Java.Dec.2.2015
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GIRL ON FARMER<br />
Here it comes again. I can hear the sleigh bells<br />
ringing and the cash registers clinking; Christmas is<br />
here again. I love Christmas. On Halloween I get sad<br />
because no little kids wear homemade costumes,<br />
and on Thanksgiving I have an ethical quandary with<br />
the whole “let’s eat, then we’ll kill you” part. But<br />
Christmas? No way. Christmas is 100% fun. Maybe<br />
it has something to do with the intersection of all<br />
things great—food, friends, family and presents. And<br />
don’t forget wine.<br />
I have written about some of the things I did as a kid<br />
for Christmas, most memorably, the “quarter pull”<br />
where drunk relatives gathered to watch my siblings<br />
and I dig into a glass jar of quarters to see who<br />
could pull out the most money and subsequently try<br />
and steal from one another. The pull gave us money<br />
to buy presents for family and friends. One of my<br />
favorites, a note pad covered in purple plastic that<br />
said “Gag Me With a Spoon.” I gave it to my friend<br />
Lisa Billingsley. Everyone was pretty jealous of that<br />
one, obviously.<br />
As a kid, writing Christmas lists was basically the<br />
highlight of the entire year, and I don’t know about<br />
you, but I certainly spared no desire. I had no limit<br />
to the number of items, and cost was no object in<br />
my mind—clearly, because one year I asked for a<br />
golf cart. And I was serious as hell. Let me tell you<br />
now, this idea was ahead of its time. People didn’t<br />
roll around on carts in the hood the way they do<br />
now. Although I approached my Christmas list in<br />
the vein of “ain’t no mountain high enough,” my<br />
parents did not feel the same and I did not get a<br />
golf cart.<br />
I think I know what the kids are going to be asking<br />
for this year. You know, there is always the hotticket<br />
item that parents are throwing themselves<br />
at the mercy of the crowds to get their grubby<br />
mom-and-dad hands on, hoping that their kids<br />
might like them more, which I understand. They<br />
weren’t my proudest moments, but I have resorted<br />
to buying my daughter’s love on holidays—<br />
especially as she’s gotten older and isn’t so<br />
impressed by me anymore. Anyway, here is what<br />
the kids want: hoverboards. But here’s the thing, I<br />
am not OK with: calling them hoverboards.<br />
38 JAVA<br />
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