Java.DEC.20162-2
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I’m clearly not a chef, but I have watched<br />
“Chopped,” and even when they’re cooking<br />
with a vegetable that smells like someone<br />
took a dump, they definitely give it a more<br />
appealing name.<br />
pictures of our home offices decorated for the holidays. Maybe DD could have a<br />
place in the background, left for more discerning eyes to discover and wonder if I<br />
was being funny or if I like to cook meals in my toilet bowl.<br />
Every year I say the same thing: I will find gifts throughout the year. I will be<br />
a five-star gift giver—one of those people who gives gifts that make people<br />
say, “Where did you find this?” in a tone that expresses an equal measure of<br />
excitement and genuine wonder. Behind my back people will whisper about my<br />
thoughtfulness and ability to find just the right gift. They will try and think of<br />
ways to get me something as wonderful as I’ve given them. I will overhear this<br />
chatter and nonchalantly wave my hand and say, “Oh god, don’t worry about it, I<br />
just picked it up.”<br />
Unfortunately, this never happens. I am so short-term thinking that even if I see<br />
something one week before someone’s birthday I think they will like, I don’t buy<br />
it, assuming I will stumble upon something more wonderful in the next few days.<br />
It never happens. A few weeks ago in Tucson I visited a few stores that sold<br />
local art and interesting things. I went as far as to say out loud to my husband,<br />
“Maybe we should get this for so and so for Christmas.” Then we both shook our<br />
heads as if we were planning for a retirement dinner and it was ridiculous to get<br />
something so far in advance. This is why I am a bad gift giver. I have no doubt<br />
that this year, like every other, I will cram-shop between Changing Hands, Urban<br />
Outfitters, World Market and the Mexican store in Guadalupe to get every gift.<br />
The five-star gift givers, like my sister, listen to every random item you wish<br />
for throughout the year and then surprise you with them on special days like<br />
Christmas. And they say things like, “I remember in August you said you liked<br />
that skirt that girl was wearing. So when you went to the bathroom, I ran to<br />
her table and asked her where she got it. She said Spain. Then I researched for<br />
two weeks and found the village where the skirts are made. They don’t have a<br />
website. So I tracked down a person who lives in the village and bought it for<br />
you. It just arrived last month!” And she’s serious.<br />
There’s always next year. This Christmas, I’m sure I will end up stuffing<br />
someone’s stocking with Dump Dinners. So, even if you forget all year long to<br />
stock up on five-star gifts, there’s always the gift aisle at Fry’s. Don’t forget the<br />
toilet paper.