01.12.2016 Views

Java.DEC.20162-2

Create successful ePaper yourself

Turn your PDF publications into a flip-book with our unique Google optimized e-Paper software.

I’m clearly not a chef, but I have watched<br />

“Chopped,” and even when they’re cooking<br />

with a vegetable that smells like someone<br />

took a dump, they definitely give it a more<br />

appealing name.<br />

pictures of our home offices decorated for the holidays. Maybe DD could have a<br />

place in the background, left for more discerning eyes to discover and wonder if I<br />

was being funny or if I like to cook meals in my toilet bowl.<br />

Every year I say the same thing: I will find gifts throughout the year. I will be<br />

a five-star gift giver—one of those people who gives gifts that make people<br />

say, “Where did you find this?” in a tone that expresses an equal measure of<br />

excitement and genuine wonder. Behind my back people will whisper about my<br />

thoughtfulness and ability to find just the right gift. They will try and think of<br />

ways to get me something as wonderful as I’ve given them. I will overhear this<br />

chatter and nonchalantly wave my hand and say, “Oh god, don’t worry about it, I<br />

just picked it up.”<br />

Unfortunately, this never happens. I am so short-term thinking that even if I see<br />

something one week before someone’s birthday I think they will like, I don’t buy<br />

it, assuming I will stumble upon something more wonderful in the next few days.<br />

It never happens. A few weeks ago in Tucson I visited a few stores that sold<br />

local art and interesting things. I went as far as to say out loud to my husband,<br />

“Maybe we should get this for so and so for Christmas.” Then we both shook our<br />

heads as if we were planning for a retirement dinner and it was ridiculous to get<br />

something so far in advance. This is why I am a bad gift giver. I have no doubt<br />

that this year, like every other, I will cram-shop between Changing Hands, Urban<br />

Outfitters, World Market and the Mexican store in Guadalupe to get every gift.<br />

The five-star gift givers, like my sister, listen to every random item you wish<br />

for throughout the year and then surprise you with them on special days like<br />

Christmas. And they say things like, “I remember in August you said you liked<br />

that skirt that girl was wearing. So when you went to the bathroom, I ran to<br />

her table and asked her where she got it. She said Spain. Then I researched for<br />

two weeks and found the village where the skirts are made. They don’t have a<br />

website. So I tracked down a person who lives in the village and bought it for<br />

you. It just arrived last month!” And she’s serious.<br />

There’s always next year. This Christmas, I’m sure I will end up stuffing<br />

someone’s stocking with Dump Dinners. So, even if you forget all year long to<br />

stock up on five-star gifts, there’s always the gift aisle at Fry’s. Don’t forget the<br />

toilet paper.

Hooray! Your file is uploaded and ready to be published.

Saved successfully!

Ooh no, something went wrong!