3. Dame Cicely Saunders, "Spiritual Pain," a paper presented at St.

Christopher's Hospice Fourth International Conference, London 1987,

published in Hospital Chaplain (March 1988).

4. Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying, 36.

5. I strongly recommend her detailed book on how to care for the

dying, Facing Death and Finding Hope (Doubleday, 1997).


1. Often people have asked me: "Does this mean that it is somehow

wrong to look after ourselves, and care for our own needs?" It

cannot be said too often that the self-cherishing which is destroyed

by compassion is the grasping and cherishing of a false self as we saw in

Chapter 8. To say that self-cherishing is the root of all harm should

never be misunderstood as meaning either that it is selfish, or wrong,

to be kind to ourselves or that by simply thinking of others our problems

will dissolve of their own accord. As I have explained in Chapter

5, being generous to ourselves, making friends with ourselves, and

uncovering our own kindness and confidence, are central to, and

implicit in, the teachings. We uncover our own Good Heart, our fundamental

goodness, and that is the aspect of ourselves that we identify

with and encourage. We shall see later in this chapter, in the

"Tonglen" practice, how important it is to begin by working on ourselves,

strengthening our love and compassion, before going on to

help others. Otherwise our "help" could ultimately be motivated by a

subtle selfishness; it could become just a burden to others; it could

even make them dependent on us, so robbing them of the opportunity

to take responsibility for themselves, and obstructing their development.

Psychotherapists say too that one of the core tasks for their clients

is to develop self-respect and "positive self-regard," to heal their feelings

of lack and inner impoverishment, and to allow them the experience

of well-being that is an essential part of our development as

human beings.

2. Shantideva, A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life (Bodhicaryavatara),

translated by Stephen Batchelor (Dharamsala: Library of

Tibetan Works and Archives, 1979), 120-21.

3. The Dalai Lama, A Policy of Kindness: An Anthology of Writings by

and about the Dalai Lama (Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion, 1990), 53.

4. Quoted in Acquainted with the Night: A Year on the Frontiers of

Death, Allegra Taylor (London: Fontana, 1989), 145.

5. Shantideva, A Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life, 34.

6. The teachings define these four "immeasurable qualities" with

great precision: loving kindness is the wish to bring happiness to

those who lack happiness; compassion is the desire to free those who

are suffering from their suffering; joy is the wish that the happiness

people have found will never desert them; and equanimity is to see

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