Issue 2 - December 2012.pdf - KEGS Ambassador Archive

Issue 2 - December 2012.pdf - KEGS Ambassador Archive

Cake Corner



201 2

Volume 5 Issue 2

Editor-In-Chief: James Dilley

Three Wise Men?

What did you learn this year?

As 2012 draws to a close and we prepare to usher

in another year (provided the world doesn’t end

tonight, the possibility of which is explored on

page eighteen of this issue), it’s a good time to

reflect on what we’ve achieved, observed, felt.

It’s been a year of great progress; the London

Olympics provided a beautiful demonstration

of what humanity can achieve given the correct

mindset, a man skydived from space, a robot that

looked like Wall-E landed on Mars… Yet it has also,

in keeping with most years, been one of regress,

locally and internationally. An increasingly

militaristic tone resonates from the Iranian region,

for example, as the regime’s apparent pursuit of

nuclear weapons upsets the global community.

The Israelis and Palestinians continue to throw

lethal stones at each other, with innocent men,

women and children the victims of their tantrums.

Back home, a beloved institution has shown

signs of crumbling, as child abuse scandals and

mismanagement rock the BBC.

But what does this all mean? Should we care?

Surely every year, every time period, has its share

of doom and gloom?

Well, that’s the point. Wikipedia tends to be

as good a guide as any to most topics, so I ask

you this- what will the ‘2012’ Wikipedia page

look like to future generations? If we compare

it to the pages for years gone by, how much real

progress will it show? Taking the technological

advancements of our age for granted, I suspect

that they won’t look so dissimilar; I guarantee,

for example, that there’ll be numerous examples



of people killing each other in whatever year

you choose. Our general intelligence may have

evolved since these eras, but our behaviour

towards each other is still, in many ways,

Neanderthal. We often don’t bother to build

bridges and associate with the mindsets of the

seven billion humans with whom we share this

planet, and that is a tragedy. So, if you learn one

thing from this year, let it be that despite our

iPads, our Internet and our plastic surgery, we

still have not achieved the harmony that we as

a species deserve and crave. Take a willingness

to understand, respect and appreciate your

associates into 2013 and watch as the next year

becomes infinitely better than the last.

In this special 32 page Christmas edition of the

Ambassador, the people of KEGS take a sideways

glance at 2012 through the two Reviews of the

Year; one general and one for sport (on pages 8-9

and 29-30 respectively). The much-revered ‘A

Head Of The Times’ feature briefly comes out of

retirement for a festive special on page 13, bizarre

Christmas traditions are explored on page 22 and,

naturally, Cake Corner returns for a double-page

bonanza of Christmas treats (baked by Messrs

Sherrington, Carter and Barrow) on pages 26-27.

See this tempting publication as a gift to you, our

esteemed readers; an extravagant assortment of

delicious articles, cooked to perfection and dusted

with icing sugar.

Merry Christmas!

James Dilley, Editor in Chief

J&T Jewers and Twinn

KEGS-Anime the Month

Despite all of the festive fun the Ambassador

has in store for you over the course of its many

pages, I’m required by regulation to only discuss

things that have happened in the past few weeks.

So, if you were expecting any Christmas puns that

could make you contemplate suicide, I suggest

you look at George’s part. Anyway, moving on.

As most of you probably know, in November

KEGS hosted the big sell-out musical event of

the year, KEGS House Music 2012. The variety

of pieces was excellent throughout, especially

the House Band acts; however I could only partly

see them due to the techie’s abuse of the smoke

machines resulting in most of the audience

struggling to breathe.

After that came the charity raffle, for which I

must acknowledge the Year Sevens for not only

raising money for a good cause, but also for

their incredibly brave advertising skills which

involved running up to Year Tens in the canteen

and shouting something about winning an iPod

Shuffle as loud as possible. Congratulations to

the winner who made £50 selling it on eBay.

As for extra-curricular school excursions this

month, I was lucky enough to go on the German

Christmas Markets trip, which offered all sorts of

awesome German stuff, ranging from over twenty

types of sausage and chocolate museums to an

anti-Israeli protest march.

Thanks to Mr Torrie and all the other staff for

a great trip. Unfortunately my word count for

this issue has been reached, so before I hand you

over to George I hope you all have a fairly good

Christmas holiday and I’d like to tell the Year

Nines that their summer RE exam answers have

been leaked online and can be accessed at

Charlie Jewers

Get KEGS-cited!

This issue I have been left with a dilemma.

The Ambassador comes out on the 21st of

December 2012 and as we all know, by the next

day the world will have ended. Therefore, as we

don’t technically have any more school until

the end of the world (according to the Mayans),

I will have to impart knowledge on what should

happen this and next year, if the world does not

end by some Godly miracle.

Basically, I have to say what is going to

happen after the last day of school in 2012,

when we are all aware that none of it will occur.

Despite this fact, I will carry on regardless.

The major thing coming up in KEGS, or more

accurately not in KEGS, is the Christmas


This is a time where we are all let out of

school for thirteen days and we have great

fun doing absolutely nothing, only to spend

our entire last Sunday (or, more likely, Sunday

night) doing all of the homework that the

teachers have inconsiderately given us.

We then have another seven weeks of

school before any more weeks off (well,

except from the random non-pupil days

scattered throughout the half term- yet there

are never any reasons for them*, so they are

unpredictable to even the greatest of minds).

Unlike other years however, the new school

year will start even later into 2013 than it did in

2012. That is one of the most interesting things

to happen at the beginning of the New Year, so

lap up your extra time of freedom before the

boredom sets in.

*Or are there? Head over to page 21 to find


George Twinn


Little Guys Ask the Biggest Questions

Nikhil Shah, School Editor

Hello to all Year 7s and elves. Have you been good this year? Well, that doesn’t matter because

Santa IS NOT AND NEVER WILL BE coming down the chimney tonight. Statements like this are

slightly frowned upon in Western society because you are small children, but never mind- it’s

about time you learnt the ways of the world! Anyway, let me look through the list of questions

you’ve sent to me and I will enlighten you about KEGS in the winter.

What does KEGS do for Christmas?

Ah, good question young one. I know you are

desperate to read on but you need patience

my young padawans (N.B: a padawan is not a

Pokemon). First of all, when it snows, we have a

massive snowball fight. You are the main targets

because you are small, irritating and it is

fun to smash colossal amounts of ice into your

spotless faces (just kidding). The last Christmas

tradition is the Christmas assembly, where you

sit down desperate to get out of the school-

only to then lead out in the normal way, of


Is the canteen food any different at Christmas?

Well, there is the annual Christmas dinner!

And yes, the food is amazing; stuffed

mushrooms, turkey and Christmas pudding.

You know; traditional Christmas dinner, only

at lunchtime. The highlights of the dinner are

the roast potatoes. Bliss in your mouth. The

teachers love it too- it’s a good sober-up from

the previous night’s Christmas party, where

Mr Worrall was the DJ and, as usual, the P.E.

department organised the whole thing as Mr

Green blew his whistle to that annoying Flo-

Rida song.

Do we get Christmas homework?

Unfortunately, yes. Like all the rubbish gifts

you get, homework is one of them. Here is a

list of all the presents you don’t want: socks,

a T-shirt of a footie team you don’t like, a

tangerine, a book, homework and definitely


Year 7 in traditional Christmas attire

not a new Windows phone! Similar to Justin

Bieber’s music, homework is one of the things

you never stop hating. Christmas homework

is the worst if you go on holiday. I do holiday

homework at the last minute; Sunday night all

the way.

Merry Christmas and see

you next time tiny ones!

Young Engineers: First Lego League

Henry Sainsbury, Lower School Editor

Tuesday 20th November was the culmination

of eight long weeks of presentation planning,

speech writing, robot building and general

hard work from all the participants of the

First Lego League. All the teams were nervous

on the way to the event, but as one student so

consistently pointed out, we had to win at least

one of the eight trophies, because there were

only seven teams registered that were not

from KEGS. Our hopes were later raised as two

teams didn’t turn up - we had to get at least

three trophies.

The competition seemed to run smoothly

enough. By the second round of the competition,

KEGS had very varied results - with challenge

scores stretching from ten to 115. Round

Three saw a very surprising turn around, as the

team which had got ten points twice, managed

to score a high score of 130. KEGS now had two

teams through to the knock-out stages!

The Knock-Out stages were a complete

success, with both KEGS teams beating their

opponents (Senior Saviours scoring the high

score of the day - 131 points), guaranteeing a

KEGS win. In the final, team Regeneration beat

Senior Saviours securing themselves a large


KEGS went on to win seven out of the eight

original trophies. However, the biggest surprise

was yet to come - Senior Saviours, as runner

ups in the Robot challenge and winners of the

core values competition, won the regional finals

and became the first KEGS team to secure

themselves a place in the national finals ever.

Congratulations to everyone who took part

and well done for such a record-breaking year

of results. All the teams would like to thank

their mentors for giving up their time to help

them. They would also like to thank Miss Walton

and Mr Wilson for accompanying them on

the trip. However the biggest thanks undoubtedly

go to Miss Bunting, because without her

none of this would have been possible.

Healthy Schools gets Stuck In

(with a few helping hands)

James Barnes, Sixth Form Editor

The newly inaugurated Healthy Schools team had their first chance to shine recently, testing

both their culinary skills and their ability to teach others.

With the help of Chef Perry and a group

of eager year sevens, we were making KEGS

chutney for the Christmas Fair (using fresh

ingredients and a secret blend of spices).

Despite a few cuts and bruises (on the part of

the Healthy Schools Team), we all had a great

time, and found it really rewarding seeing

the year sevens picking up skills. The chutney

wasn’t too shabby either, although some of

us need to work on tidying up afterwards! All

our thanks go to Mr Perry and Mr Perrotton for

making the event possible, and watch out for

more healthy schools events this year!


“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”

James Dilley: You are a true staple of KEGS,

bringing many a P.E. and cover lesson to life, but

just how long have you been part of the school?

Mr Roberts: I came here 15 years ago; I was head of

department in London for many years at a range of

fairly rough schools in places such as Walthamstow,

Hackney and Chingford. I originally retired at

50 but for some reason decided to get back into


David Barker: You’re known to have a great interest

in the First World War amongst other historical

events. What is it about these topics that fascinate

you so much?

Mr Roberts: One of the reasons that I’m so

interested is that mine was one of the first

generations that didn’t have to go to war. I was

born down in Plymouth which suffered heavy

bombing during the Second World War; one of

my first memories is seeing my playground as a

bombsite. My father was a Dunkirk and Normandy

veteran and my grandfather fought in the First

World War so I was brought up around stories of

war. I have been fortunate to go with KEGS to the

Somme and Ypres almost on a yearly basis and

every time you go you learn more and more. Not

only do you learn about the logistics of what went

on but really it’s incredible to think that 750,000

men from this country lost their lives when the

population was only 40 million; every family in the

land was affected by it. You only have to look at the

memorial in the library to see the enormous effect

it had, in particular on young officers of Sixth Form

age who, due to their intelligence and ability, were

selected to lead their men over the top, of course

resulting in their decimation. I find the bravery of

these people fascinating; young men who were

prepared to sacrifice their lives for, let’s face it, the

freedom we have today. I read around the subject

and do a lot of research. I suggest to all of our boys,

even if most of them go to the Somme with our

excellent History department that they have a good

look at the history of the KEGS boys that fought in

the wars.

JD: So, back to the school- tell us about your most

memorable KEGS experience.

Mr Roberts: Haha, well it wasn’t an educational

experience unfortunately; it was probably being

assaulted by a local yobbo (years before your time).

Bearing in mind that I have taught in many


Interview with KEGS stalwart, Mr. Roberts

Quick Fires

Ralph Lauren sweater or Nike hoodie? Ralph Lauren

sweater, provided I can find one in the charity shop.

Mercedes or Jaguar? Got to be a Mercedes but I

wouldn’t say no to a Porsche 911.

The Telegraph or The Sun? Definitely the Telegraph.

Guns or flowers? What does that mean?! I think it’d

have to be a gun; I had a shotgun as a boy when out in

the country. Shot hundreds of rabbits.

Javelin or shotput? Javelin, it’s the only REAL throw;

shot put is just a push. The good thing about javelin is

that no matter what body shape you are, if you have a

good throwing arm you can be good at it. It’s a weapon

of war, as Mr Green would say, and throwing one is for

real men.

rough areas and never had any problems of the

sort before, I was quite surprised. I was on the field

on a summer’s day and a Sixth Former brought to

my attention the fact that a 21 year old, piercingcovered

yobbo had jumped over the wall and

gone after one of our boys. I felt that it was my

duty to step in and protect him, but when I told

him to leave the premises on certain terms he

decided to hit me in the eye with his key-filled

fist! I thought he’d blinded me but I picked him up

and smashed him on the floor- despite the fact

that he was struggling I pinned him down, much to

Mr Scammel’s [ex head of Drama] amusement (he

watched all of this out of the window and didn’t

come down to help!). Eventually after about ten

minutes the police arrived and took him away- a

very bizarre experience.

DB: As a boy growing up, which sports did you

enjoy the most?

Mr Roberts: I was a footballer, playing for my

school and captaining the county as a schoolboy.

Football was my real love, but eventually I turned

to athletics. That was because of a really bad

accident which happened when I was playing

football; I smashed my leg up very badly when I

was 22. I hit a rock under the pitch and as I lay in

hospital the surgeon said to me ‘Mr Roberts, what

do you do for a living?’ Of course, I was a young P.E.

teacher, and he said ‘well I regret to tell you that

you won’t run again’. I replied “Yes I b****y will”,

and made up my mind in that bed that I really had

wasted my time and needed to pursue something.

So, at the age of 22 I started to train very, very hard

up in London and eventually competed for Great

Britain for 10 years in the British athletics team.

I’d done cricket, football, and athletics seasonally

before and had been pretty good at all of them but

I had not pursued one to any great degree.

JD: In recent years KEGS has modernised greatly,

with an increase in the use of technology and

group projects etc. What, if anything, would you

like to see brought back from the good old days of


Mr Roberts: I can’t talk about technology because

I’m a bit of a technophobe when it comes to these

things, but from the P.E. point of view I really regret

the fact that a lot of the ‘Physical’ has gone out

of Physical Education. Lessons tend to be very

educational with less of the intense physical effort

that really needs to be put into them. I think the

youth of today need to look further into the long

term. A third of men develop heart disease in later

life which is caused partly by not being physically

active in earlier life. The problem, of course, is that

boys come to our school increasingly unfit and they

lack P.E. teachers and men in primary school; a lot

of them also come from single parent families with

no dad around. They’re often a bit overweight and

as a result find it difficult to run very far (though

you chaps didn’t). You probably remember those

days when you had to run until it hurt and that’s

what they find difficult. A lot of them have never

done it and that’s sad because in my generation we

were pushed hard from the very beginning.

JD: You’ve described yourself in the past as a bit of

a “loose cannon”. Why is this?

Mr Roberts: I suppose really because I tend to be

politically incorrect. I find that political correctness

and conforming to European law as well as

watching your Ps and Qs as a teacher is difficult.

JD: UKIP supporter?

Mr Roberts: I wouldn’t say I’m a UKIP supporter,

but I have sympathy for a lot of extremist groups in

many ways- it’s a sad state of affairs when you find

yourself siding with these people, but there are

certain things that have happened in government

that should have been sorted out a long time

ago. I think young teachers have got to be so

careful these days; one wrong comment can be

misunderstood or taken completely out of context.

I think a bit of cynical humour, which most boys

appreciate, is important, especially within Physical

Education; if you’re going to join a rugby team you

are going to have no chance if you can’t take any

humour. Because people are cocooned from the

odd cynical comment, they go out into the wider

world unprepared for coping with what happens.

I think that a bit of humour and a bit of banter is a

good thing and most of the boys enjoy it. Perhaps

I say a few things which other teachers wouldn’t. I

don’t do it with any malice; I take the mick out of

everybody at some point, so I don’t discriminate.

I think that the boys appreciate someone who is a

little bit different.

DB: What do you think about the education system


Mr Roberts: One of the things that I have

discovered about education as it has changed over

my career is that there is more and more pressure

on teachers, schools and pupils. One of the things

that I have learned during my 40-odd years of

teaching is how education has become political

football. Each successive government tries to claim

that under them they have improved education and

results have improved. It is nonsense; education

cannot get better year after year. The government

puts massive pressure on schools through things

like league tables and SATs, resulting in pressure

on individual teachers to get better year on year.

That percolates down to the pupils- I feel sorry

for young teachers and particularly pupils these

days. The old idea of rounded education where you

were taught a lot about everything seems to have

disappeared because pupils now have to specialise

early on what they’re going to do, how well

they’re going to do, and what career they plan on

starting further down the line. Pressure is on them

relentlessly- I do worry that this constant pressure

will take its toll.

JD: What do you think of KEGS as an institution of


Mr Roberts: KEGS is a wonderful institution. I came

from a council estate but I was lucky enough to

go to a grammar school. A lot of people would

say that grammar schools are elitist but I think

grammar schools are wonderful for two reasons.

One: they allow boys who come from deprived

families to have the same education as those

whose fathers are rich, and two: bright children

often miss opportunities under the normal state

system because teachers try so hard to keep unruly

children under control and to get average children

up to a certain level, preventing the bright children

from being stretched. KEGS produces fantastic

young men at the end of it all. I’m a huge fan of this

particular school and one hope I have is that this

school does not change when I finally leave; it is a

formula that works. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!


Review of the Year


The Unstoppable Rise

of One Direction

Conor Healy

2012 has seen the

burgeoning One Direction

(1D) ascend to fame and

the group is by far one

of the largest names in

music today, having seen

worldwide success with

their recent album “Up All

Night”. Many comparisons

are made between 1D and

the iconic group The Beatles,

which is really tiresome as

in my eyes at least, they are

beyond comparable. I ask

you to recall the last time

The Beatles appeared on the

X Factor; you’re probably

drawing an obvious blank.

I would also ask that you

inform me of the last time

The Beatles had a number

one single-1969 would be

the correct answer. And

1D’s most recent melodic

triumph, I hear you ask?

2012; this just shows The

Beatles to be complacent

and lazy with their partial

success. 1D continue to

produce high quality music

that is adored by a global

community regardless

of time frame, and any

comparisons drawn to The

Beatles is a direct affront

to our beloved Niall, Harry,

Zayne, Liam and Louis, who

embody everything that is

right in the world.

2012 Heralds the End of

the Twilight Saga

Nikhil Shah

The epic conclusion to Twilight; really?! Whilst all the girls

started crying after Breaking Dawn Pt. 2, the men had a

party. Vampires don’t have glitter spilt over their bodies,

their eyes don’t glow like fluorescent tennis balls and they

certainly don’t wear make-up. A vampire is a wicked being.

A real vampire is the one from the Muppets- I bet he could

beat Edward Cullen in a fight any day. Werewolves are

hairy, dirty animals, like Year Tens. What I really don’t get

about Twilight is that Cedric Diggory was killed by Peter

Pettigrew, so how can he now be a vampire? Also, Bella

is the most depressing protagonist ever. She has a thing

for this dead wizard covered in eyeshadow and when he

breaks up with her she starts moaning even more than she

did before. I don’t know what goes on in Stephanie Meyers

head but she should be in a correctional facility- thank

God for 2012, and thank God for no more Twilight.

The Ups and Downs of the BBC

Arjun Kiri

The BBC, an organisation at the very heart of our country, has

had a year of ups and downs and its importance in relation to

all of us makes its mention a worthy addition to the review of

the year. Having televised the Royal Wedding successfully in

2011, the BBC began 2012 on a high. The mammoth task of

covering the Diamond Jubilee was not a task too large either,

as the BBC captured the awe of the pageant as well as the

historical significance of the event whilst not forgetting the

community spirit of street parties. In July, the Olympics were

also televised just as successfully with some iconic moments

The Rise of Indie Games

Iain Buchanan

A Typically KEGS Welcome For New Year 12s

Mehleen Rahman

It may sound nauseatingly clichéd to say that this year

has been the most hectic ever, but the dark circles under

my eyes and go-to hairstyle popularised by the freaky

girl in The Ring is a solid confirmation of the above fact.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. I was rather anxious

about going to a different Sixth Form than my boyfriend,

but the KEGS boys have accepted him as a part of daily

life, lovingly dubbing him Moby, because and I quote

“he’s fat like a whale and white”. They’ve also made

sure that he was fully immersed into the KEGS banter by

sending him updates of my daily conduct: ranging from

my numerous alleged infidelities to voice mails threatening

him to “back off from the M-dog”.

When I look back and think that less than five months

ago I was sitting my GCSEs, I realise that my time-tracking

skill is rather like Israel’s claim on Gaza- utterly nonexistent.

I’m rather looking forward to the 21.12.2012; if

I get lucky, I won’t have to hand in my GPR essay. Come

on Mayans, I have faith in you!

captured involving

Usain Bolt, Mo

Farah and Andy

Murray to mention

just a few. However,

November saw a

turn of events as

the Jimmy Savile

scandal came to light and hard earned respect was

lost overnight as the nation looked on in disbelief. Has

this scandal damaged the BBC beyond repair or can

they bounce back from it in 2013? Let’s wait and see.

This year in the video game industry, beyond the brainless

blockbusters that the media seems so obsessed with, there

have been numerous artistic gems. This year was punctuated

by the release of a number of excellent independent games,

developed by small groups or individuals. Thirty Flights of

Loving, my favourite of the year, is a short story involving

no shooting, fighting or even talking. You are simply guided

through its bizarre non-linear narrative, resulting in something

truly Tarantino-esque. Lone Survivor, another narrative-driven

game, puts you in the shoes of an amnesiac apocalypse

survivor in a beautiful hand-painted world, with a terrifying

story told through flashbacks, hallucinations and dreams.

FTL: Faster than Light focuses on atmosphere. Placing you as

the commander of a spaceship entrusted with defending the

last interstellar bastion of the human race from attack, FTL

is strangely poignant, with a feeling of being lost in space

rendered through its static, pixellated artwork and minimalist

soundtrack. Other highlights of this year are Mark of the Ninja,

perhaps the perfect stealth game, and Hotline: Miami, a game

that uses senseless violence to ask sensible questions.

2012 is the year in which independent games have come into

their own, and only more can be expected from 2013.

The Changing Face of Black Music

Ayiba Cesario

If you know anything about hip-hop or R&B,

you’ll know it’s the last genre you would associate

with homosexuality. But when R&B star

Frank Ocean revealed his first love was a man in

the summer of this year, many pondered: could

this momentous event change the urban music

industry? In terms of reactions, things went

well. After a short period of everyone making

shifty glances towards one another as if to say

“are you cool with this?”, Ocean was greeted

with much support and respect over his decision

to come out from hip-hop heavyweights

such as DJ Drama and Jay-Z. Even Frank’s fellow

members of the rap collective Odd Future

(who are notorious for dropping the derogatory

F-bomb when referencing homosexuality) were

out in full support, tweeting “Proud of Frank.”

This is pretty accepting for a community whose

members feel the need to use the phrase “no

homo” frequently in their raps to clarify that

they are most definitely not gay. However, despite

this, if we really look closely at the industry,

has much changed? I mean, there’s been no

Kanye West at an LGBT rally and calling someone

gay in a freestyle rap battle would still be a

grave insult.

So, in answer to the question “has black music

become more open and accepting this year?”

the answer is no, not really; but it’s good to

know that if you’re beautiful and talented

enough, you can get away with pretty much



The Rant Page - a rant from a different anonymous KEGS pupil every issue, no holds barred.

This time around, the vampire saga Twilight gets the hairdryer treatment from a fuming reader.


“An ancient monster forms

a manipulative relationship

with an emotionally disturbed

girl, putting her life in repeated

danger”. Well, that sounds like

an epic romance, doesn’t it? It

certainly does to fans of the

Twilight *saga* (referred to

as ‘twifans’, or ‘idiots’). I put

saga in asterisks because what

I actually mean is *protracted

heap of drivel which represents

the death spasms of Western

literature*. And that’s just the


I actually feel sorry for

Stephanie Meyers. That her

name will be forever tied

to some of the worst trash

ever pumped into the public

consciousness is probably a

punishment in itself. But we

must hold her accountable.

Her Year 2 “What I Did In My

Summer Holidays” writing style,

awful characterisation and a

plot so clichéd it has become

a cliché have perpetually

polluted the waters of fantasy/

horror writing with countless

terrible plagiarisms about

creepy abusive relationships

with vampires (the relationship

between Bella and Edward

fulfils all criteria for an

abusive relationship, by the

way). The portrayal of Bella is

misogynistic and profoundly

unhelpful in terms of

educating young people about

relationships and women’s


Something bugging you?

If you want to see your words of irate complaint here, then

write to us to make it into Issue 3!

To be honest, the alpaca is probably the better actor.

rights. And worst of all, it

inspired 50 Shades of Grey.

Need I say more?

And the movies...Well,

reading the books (which, to

my shame, I have done) is like

reading about people vomiting.

Watching the films is like being

part of a Clockwork-Orangeesque

experiment, having

your eyes forced open and

being made to watch footage

of people vomiting, while a

toxin which simulates death is

poured into your veins. Over

the course of eight hours.

There’s Kirsten Stewart, with

all the warmth and expression

of Slenderman. There’s Robert

Pattinson, who seems to have

sold his acting talent to the

Devil in exchange for more

chin. And there’s Taylor Lautner,

aka the werewolf Jacob Black,

one of a select few people who

actually make me physically

sick to look at- especially when

he doesn’t have a shirt on,

which is always.

These ‘actors’ are the

harbingers of the death of

subculture, resulting in so

many people thinking of

themselves as ‘special’ or

‘misunderstood’ when in fact

they are just shallow and

banal. Vampires used to be

cool. Look at them now. I mean,

Edward is just asking for a

stake through the heart. If you

want to see a proper vampire,

go watch Dracula, the original

with Bela Lugosi. Or Blade. Or

Interview with a Vampire. Or

read the books which inspired

these works. Just don’t watch

Twilight, or read it. Even

Lesbian Vampire Killers is


Snails in Ginger Beer:

The Origins of Consumer Law

Adam Kania

In our day to day lives at school, there are very many things

which we take for granted.

If I walk around school with my top button undone, I can take

for granted that I am likely to be spending my Friday lunchtime sat

in detention. This idea lends itself very nicely to the real world (for

those studying GCSE English; it is a microcosm). In England there is

a structured legal system (a teacher) and if I were to commit a crime

(having my top button undone) I could bank on being punished for

this crime (spending Friday lunchtime in detention).

We have just defined the

basic principles of a number of

aspects of law, using our school

as a metaphor. Consumer law

is slightly different however;

I shall come to that later. Now

that we have a mutual ground on

which to discuss the law, let us


From here on in, we

encounter an egg and chicken

style obstacle: what came first,

these laws or the act of people

breaking them? I.e. if nobody

ever left their top button

undone, would there need to be

a deterrent to stop them from

doing so in future? What would

you suggest? Should we attempt

to put in place a system which

accounts for everything that ever

might go wrong? Or do we wait

until a new problem presents

itself and deal with it afterwards?

There are strengths and

weaknesses to both these

approaches, but the way in which

English law has developed has

been the latter: the law has

developed as a result of the

cases which have been passed

through it. For this reason, many

of the old cases which are the

basis of our modern law seem

very trivial, but without them

things which we take for granted

would be foreign to us.

The first case that will be

presented to a student studying

law at university is very likely

to be that of Donoghue vs.

Stevenson. This is the foundation

of consumer law and the subject

of this article. The case goes

that a woman bought from a

shop keeper a bottle of ginger

beer which, upon consumption,

was found to contain ”the

decomposed remains of a snail”.

So, what bearing does a

woman finding a snail in her

drink have on anything? Well,

this case proposed the question

of whether a manufacturer owes

a duty of care to a customer in

negligence, even if no contract

existed between the consumer

and the manufacturer. In short,

was the manufacturer of the

ginger beer responsible for

the injury caused to her by his

product? Well, it was ruled that

the manufacturer did hold a

duty to the consumer’s health-

even though it was not the

manufacturer’s direct fault for

the injury which occurred.

Now this is a concept so

fundamental to everything that

goes on in our lives regarding

health and safety and duty of

care which takes place every

time we buy anything. However,

before 1932 this concept never

even existed and this goes to

show how the law develops over

time and how we come to accept


As recently as this year with

the trigger litigation case, the

law is changing- in this case with

regards to whether insurance

policies should cover disease

caused by asbestos poisoning

which only surfaces years after

the contract was made and

Doesn’t Take Much

To Pass The Bar!

As with every profession,

there’s always a few who

make it through Law School

on a wing and a prayer. Those

few are the ones who tend

to make for comedic court


Lawyer: Now doctor, isn’t it

true that when a person dies

in his sleep, he doesn’t know

about it until the next morning?

Witness: Did you actually

pass the bar exam?

Lawyer: How was your first

marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death

was it terminated?

Witness: Now whose death

do you suppose terminated it?

which is now void. So, when you

next think about the law, think

about what circumstances must

have come about to warrant the

changing of the existing law- it

may not be what you expect.


A Head of the Times:

Christmas Special

Festive greetings comrades! It seems that A Head of the

Times is a lot like a gown; you try to get rid of it and

people get upset. So ‘I’m back’, Terminator style, for one

last fun-filled outing. As with anything, it takes 10,000

hours of practice to perfect one of these- so enjoy it!

Well, the tinsel’s

on the tree, the

turkey’s been

ordered, and the

holiday homework has been

set. Suddenly it’s beginning

to look a lot like Christmas.

You know what’s been a real

cracker (get it?!)- my Year

7 RE class’ recent student

teaching project on the

Christmas story. Sure there

have been a few inaccuracies

(I’m still not convinced that

the angel Gabriel foretold

the end of the world in

2012), and the heckling of

poor Derek was borderline

banterous, but it’s yet

another example of where

the future lies. We need to

digest and disseminate the

learning revolution through

the organic integration

of students into the

research-engaged global

teaching matrix. Without

the cumbersome burden of

teaching, teachers will have

their time freed up faster

than you can say “No way is

that straw going through a


potato!” And let’s not forget

my other quantum leap

forward- my blog, which

now has more international

hits than ever - though it

seems that the Somalians

were actually trying to extort

money from my followers.

Pirates not pedagogists!

The new year when it

comes will bring with it

lots of challenges, many

of which we’ll hopefully

struggle with. And that’s

relevant to me too; I’ve got

my classroom surveillance

system to monitor, my bus

lane legal battle to fight,

and my Twitter page won’t

update itself! A Head of

the Times will have to be

consigned to that dusty pile

of IB papers and returned

letters to Brian Cox. C’est la

vie, as you budding linguists

would say! Anyway, I’d

better let you all return to

that bittersweet symphony

we call life. Have a rocking

Christmas kids!

‘‘We need to digest and disseminate

the learning revolution through the

organic integration of students into the

research-engaged global teaching

matrix. ‘‘

Diary of

a year

Dear Mr. Ambassador,

Things have been hectic since my first

entry in the October issue. On some

nights I have 45 minutes of homework,

which is difficult to do when you’re

travelling in and out of the zone every

day. The Guildford to Croydon leg of

my journey is particularly difficult- the

bus driver always looks like he wants

to hurt me when I pay with a £20 note.

But when I get to school, things are

much better. Last week I got in a big

debate with Mr. Barrow about whether

I was talking in assembly. I definitely

won. I could see he was running out of

arguments and needed more time; I’m

sure that’s why he suggested that we

could continue the discussion afterschool.

Food tech is my favourite lesson because

I want to be a food-technician

when I’m older if I get a good A Level

grade in it. We got to use the knives

again last week! Apart from Jimbo-

he’s not allowed to after last time. I

gave my form tutor some of my fish

pie- I didn’t get a chance to ask her if

she liked it though as she was off ill for

the rest of the week.

Well, I think I’ve almost reached my

word limit now. By the way, does anyone

know how to get to the church we

line up for Games at? And if anyone

saw the incident by the lockers on 6th

December, you need to go and see Mr.

Milliken to write down your witness



Cameron and Osborne

“Two arrogant posh boys who don’t know the price of milk”

Arjun Kiri

Nadine Dorries, the now

notorious Conservative

back-bencher famous for

appearing and subsequently

disappearing from I’m a Celebrity,

has recently voiced a number of her

opinions to the press (hence the

blunt title for this article). However,

it does bring to light some of the

key issues with having our country

run by two men who are more

divorced from ordinary life than

Nick Clegg is prone to topping the

charts with apology songs. A recent

survey by the Daily

Mirror posted some

interesting (yet

unsurprising) results

about the leaders of

our country:

» David Cameron

is near the top of the list of

politicians who people dread

being stuck in a lift with, ranking

at 21% which makes him more

unpopular than the annoying

voiced Labour leader Ed Miliband

who wasn’t far off at 19%.

» The survey showed that only 1 in 4

people in Birmingham think David

Cameron understands the life of

your “Average Joe.” This drops to

1 in 5 in Northern England and 1

in 6 in Scotland and Wales.

Famous for grilling politicians,

Jeremy Paxman has given us

our fair share of laughs having

left both of our two posh boys

momentarily speechless. An excerpt

from an interview with Osborne

“The Old Etonian Tory high

flyers need to come back

down to Earth to avoid

having a highly contested

general election.”

in his ministerial role as Shadow

Chancellor went like this:

Paxman: You’re like the man who

walks behind the horse with the


Osborne: (blankly and in disbelief)

I have to say this is the most

meaningless line of questioning I’ve

heard from you.

Coming back to Nadine Dorries-

despite her alleged lack of care for

her constituency, she raised a good

point when she said; “16 million

people watch I’m A

Celebrity, so that’s

where MPs should be

going.” The notion

that Dorries needs to

“rebuild bridges with

her constituency”

can also be argued as a need for the

Old Etonian Tory high flyers to come

back down to Earth to avoid having

a highly contested general election.

David Cameron’s most recent

nonsensical comment went

something like “we need to stop

bashing the bankers, we need to

support them”. A recent scientific

study showed that a group of share

traders were prepared to take greater

risks than a group of psychopaths

for either monetary gain or simply

destroying their competitors. Once

again Cameron has found a great

way to alienate the public and

portray himself as the quintessential

banker’s puppet.

Some classic Jeremy

Paxman quotes that

will brighten up your


“The English approach

to ideas is not to kill

them, but to let them

die of neglect.”

“I hate the word

sneering, I can’t help

the way my face looks.”

On University


Jeremy Paxman: What

is another name for

“cherry pickers” and

“cheese mongers”?



Jeremy Paxman: No.

They’re regiments in

the British Army who

will be very upset with



Is facebook Really Worth Our Time?

WeiNan Zhou, Middle School Editor

Is Facebook worth our time? Does it really help us to keep in

touch with current friends, organise events, share funny links, or

keep people up to date on what’s going on in each other’s lives?

No it doesn’t, and with that

said I ask of you: please stop

wasting your life on Facebook!

You know you do it; you

sit there in front of the

computer refreshing your

Facebook page, reading other

people’s status updates

and intermittently adding

a comment or two in the

process. Do I really need

to point out how much of a

waste of time this is? Sure it’s

perfectly fine to fine check

once in awhile but really the

amount of time people spend

just reading status updates

is incredible. Furthermore,

I don’t understand that

people don’t realise how

much time they really spend

on Facebook. If somebody

were to tell you that they

spent hours on any other

site, simply clicking around,

you’d look at them and ask

them if they were mad! But

with Facebook it’s perfectly

acceptable to spend hours

doing absolutely nothing

productive at all. I’ve sat

beside friends who, for at

least an hour, did nothing but

browse through party photos,

profile pictures and status


Aside from this, some

people may tell you that

Facebook allows you to

converse with friends, but

what may I ask are phones


for? A recent investigation

showed an average person

spends 1.5 hours a day on

Facebook; but doing what?

Well I’ve seen how young

teenagers claim to have socalled

“conversations” on

the site. I see people sending

“What’s up?” before receiving

a reply “Not much” followed

by the caption reading ‘Bob

is now offline’. Facebook

dedicates its time to wasting

our lives, by manipulating

us to having pretend wars

with the Mafia (and no, I

haven’t lost the plot; it’s just

the crazy world of Facebook

games). As for the Facebook

gamers out there, let me

burst your bubble. Those

evil mafia men who want to

blow up the world do not

exist, and neither do genuine

conversations as long as these

“social” networks continue to

pickpocket precious teenage

time when you could be doing

something else, for example,

talking with friends.

To add to all this time

wasting, there are individuals

whose main purpose, it

seems, is to take photos to

upload them to Facebook.

After uploading them, they

then sit and wait in front

of the computer to wait to

see what the comments are

like, and how to respond in

a “witty” manner. But this

isn’t the worst of crimes

that has been committed on

Facebook. There will always

be the few who think that

other Facebook users are not

intelligent enough to work out

that the brilliant drawing of

that “butterfly” they posted

to attract as many likes as

possible, was really only

copied from another Internet

site. This leads on to my final

point: using Facebook to

attract “likes” on a comment

or an uploaded photo/

drawing. This is pointless

and a waste of time; to be

honest, conversations in real

life are far more rewarding

than this type of virtual


There really is more to life

than altering our statuses.

There’s little doubt that there

is much to do in the UK, from

long walks in the countryside

to visiting museums and

galleries; so much more than

just changing our Facebook

status from ‘Bob is bored’ to

‘Bob is worried about whether

or not he has clean socks!’

So to conclude: get out more,

and stop wasting your life on


Interesting, but pointless inventions...

by Shahzaib Shaikh

The festive season is upon us and if you have no idea what to buy for your family and friends,

this article is for you. These ten gift ideas are so useless that they automatically become a

necessity for anyone and everyone, just to make your life that tiny bit easier (or more difficult).

These inventions may not all be particularly scientific, but they do use technology in one way

or another, so in no particular order:

Skittle Sorter

This invention, made by

Brian Egenriether, sorts

different skittles according

to their colour and different

wavelengths. Using an infrared

LED and a phototransistor

to figure out the colour and

therefore the correct bowl for

that colour, a BASIC Stamp 2

microcontroller controls three

motors to deliver the Skittle to

its corresponding bowl using

chutes and a turning table.

A video of it in action can be

found on YouTube. You could

sort it by hand quicker, but who


Laser Guided Scissors

Baby Mop

This is an old but still awesome

idea to give to a new family-

their child can double up as a

mop as well as a financial strain

(at least now it can earn its rent).

There were many questions upon

release of this product whether it

was exploiting children, but the

product owners say it’s nothing

of the sort; the child is simply

doing what it does at this age,

crawling around on the floor.

Who gave us this invention?

Japan of course.

Are you finding it hard to cut out that picture? Struggling to

snip straight along the page? Well, struggle no more! These

laser guided scissors are for YOU, at the reasonable price of

£11- yes that’s right, eleven whole pounds! We at the KEGS

Ambassador are not responsible for any damage to retinas

of the people around you.

Motorized Ice-Cream Cone

This is the limit of laziness. You

cannot be lazier unless you have

a machine to bring the cone

towards your mouth that follows

you around wherever you go-

it’s certainly one way to increase

obesity. Sellers don’t seem to

mention any form of speed

control, but there is a vibrating

function as well. Yeah, you heard

me correctly.


Is that chicken in my Cheesy Bandit?

Zeeshan Mitha

Zeeshan Mitha has something

to say to “the home of fresh

baking”- otherwise known as



I am writing to you to

complain about an incident that

occurred on a balmy autumn

afternoon in 2012. Although this

may seem like a mindless tirade,

I feel that it is important that

you know about this and ensure

that it does not happen again, in

order that the society of today

may shop in your emporium free

from vexation.

A day in which I started

with a cheerful disposition

later transformed into an

extremely painful ordeal. I

was merely sauntering down

the road towards your bakery,

minding my own business;

the lovely walk served as an

anodyne to my stressful school

life. I approached GREGGS

and browsed the selection of

food looking for my favourite

lunchtime delicacy, the infamous

‘Cheesy Bandit’. I adore this

particular item so much as I

belong to the Hindu religion

and am, therefore, a vegetarian.

After honing in on my tasty

treat, I purchased it and left,

eagerly anticipating the instant

gratification that I was soon to

receive. As I took my first bite

I was overloaded with a sense

of joy comparable to no other. I

expeditiously devoured half of

my lunch and was nearly at the

point of total satisfaction. I was

totally freed by the delicious


However, things took a turn

for the worse.

There was something wrong.


An unfamiliar substance

passed over my salivating

tongue. It was slimy and tough,

and I began to feel afflicted.

As I began to break down I

dismantled the contents of my

purchase to investigate further,

and then it hit me. The shock

realisation of this is comparable

to that of a vertigo-ridden

chap being thrown out of the

top window of a monolithic

skyscraper and landing in a

Some more competent

dexterity in the

assembly of your

products would be


piranha infested pool. For

sixteen years, one hundred and

thirty three days and seven

hours I had been meat-free.

But that had abruptly ended. I

was subjected to unknowingly

eating chicken which had been

hideously misplaced. The

palpable vegetarian symbol

on the outer packaging glared

at me mockingly. I felt queasy.

Not only have I defied my own

religion but the rest of my

day was ruined, and my own

personal moral outlook has been

irreparably tarnished. I took

the offending item back to your

store and was given a refund and

a complementary cookie, but

not even this triple chocolate

parcel of pleasure could make

up for the earlier proceedings.

Your staff displayed the

acme of incompetency whilst

carrying out what should

be an intelligible mundane

task. Some more competent

dexterity in the assembly of

your products would be much

appreciated, as opposed to the

sheer inadequacy shown on that

fateful day. I do hope that this

fundamental issue is promptly

addressed and that it is rectified

instantaneously. This horrifying

experience has not only changed

my view of GREGGS, but also

my ideology of life itself. It has

irreversibly changed me and

that I shall never forget. In the

nicest way possible, I hope that

all of your chains are squashed

by millions of giant octopods

falling from the heavens, or

that you are all driven out by

rabid chickens who are seeking

revenge on my behalf.

Kind Regards,

A very angry customer.

Uncle Joe: Progressive Opinion

Joe Richards

I’ll admit that, sitting down in front of the computer this afternoon, I was a little unsure as to what

I should write about. I asked around a little bit, and a few suggestions were thrown at me: the UKIP

members who had their foster children taken away from them; Big Dave battling backbench rebellions;

the complete lack of locks in the Boys’ Toilets. Actually, I made up that last one to draw attention to

a subject that is close to my heart, but to which I’m sure I wouldn’t be allowed to devote an entire

column. Shame.

Anyway, taking heed from The

Apprentice, I decided to completely ignore

my market research, and write about

something completely different: The Church

of England.

They’ve been busy these past few

months. Appointing an Old Etonian to lead

them, side-lining women a little bit more,

and continuing their crusade against gay

marriage. You might think it ironic that a

church that was formed to allow Henry VIII

to dissolve his marriage(s) is now accusing

gay people of ‘destroying the sanctity of

marriage’, and you’d be right. Unfortunately,

that irony is lost on the Church.

Similarly, it may seem strange to you

that whilst it would not be theologically

appropriate for the Church to have women

bishops, the other leader of the Church

(i.e. not the Archbishop of Canterbury)

is a woman. You might know her; she’s

old, wears lots of hats, not a fan of pop

concerts…. her husband’s almost certainly

a member of UKIP. I think she goes by the

name of Elizabeth, but I’ll check that one for


The Church of England was unable for

detailed comment, instead giving their usual

dose of interactive, if slightly patronising

fun (anyone who’s ever been to a Christingle

service will know what I’m talking about):

A quick look on the National Secular

Society’s website told me that my new-

found favourite policy, disestablishment, does not, in fact,

refer to abolishing the Church. Yes, I was disappointed too.

In fact, disestablishment is the separation of Church and

State. Ah, yes, Year 8 History is all coming back to me now;

the textbooks, the classroom, the Cockney accent.

So, there you have it. My new campaign: separate the

Church from the State, end one’s influence over the

other, and, whilst we’re at it, maybe take the bishops

out of the House of Lords too. ‘Radical leftie rubbish’ as

everyone’s favourite junior Republican would say. Talking

of Republicans, religion & the state are just as intimately

linked in the USA. After all, as George W. Bush would say:

‘I trust that God speaks directly through me. Without that, I

couldn’t do my job’.

До свиданя, comrades!

Super-Happy-Fun-Time Quiz (©Church of England, 2012) :

1. In the event that gay marriage was legalised, which of the following would be the result:

A) Russia would declare nuclear war;

B) Ice caps would melt;

C) Families would be destroyed;

D) Judgement Day will commence;

E) BBC1 will replace all its programming with repeats of The Big Questions?

2. The plan for women bishops was most likely orchestrated by whom:

A) The KGB;

B) The Mormon Church;

C) The KGB;

D) Evil Muslim Convert George Galloway;

E) Barack Obama?


The End Of The World In 2012:

Collision Theory

Nibiru, or Planet X (because

the marketing

power of ‘X’ is second to

none), is a large planetary

body that will collide

with Earth today, making

every disaster movie asteroid

impact look like a sparkler

in the process. Originally

proposed in 1995 by Nancy

Lieder, passing along the message

from concerned extraterrestrials

from Zeta Reticuli,

Nibiru is hurtling towards us

at 2400km/s, and it arrives


Sounds unlikely? Astronomers

would agree, but that’s

because they’re lying to you!

These misguided ‘scientists’

are either blinded by the establishment

or are, in a misguided

attempt to reassure

us, denying its existence in

order to prevent mass panic in

our final days. But in doing so,

they cause needless death! Nibiru

is coming, and its passing

will cause great cataclysms

upon the earth! The so-called

‘scientists’ now seek to bury

the message of those brave

prophets who dare spread the

warning; such is the strength

of our message. They claim

that if Nibiru was coming,

“astronomers would have

been tracking it for the last

decade”. They even have the

audacity to claim that Nibiru

would by now be visible in the

night sky! Some, recognising

that their lies are about to be

revealed, try to blind the public

with science, claiming that


were Nibiru real, it would have

been ejected from the solar

system long ago by Jupiter, or

that if it was really travelling

fast enough to reach Earth

today, it would reach galactic

escape velocity and fly out of

the solar system! They have

even ‘calculated’ the speed at

which it is travelling, which is

somehow correct?! In these

ways they continue to maintain

their deception, but in the

interests of truth I will speak

out. For the very concept of a

planetary collision may seem

silly to you, dear reader, but

this is not the first time Earth

has been hit by a planet...

Introducing Theia, the Greek

titan who gave birth to the

moon goddess and also the

planetoid that smashed into

Earth 4.5billion years ago,

creating the moon. The Modified

Giant Impact Hypothesis

states that the proto-Earth

had a Mars-sized partner

sharing its orbit. For a time,

they were able to share, but

as Theia got bigger, its orbit

became less stable, causing

the planetoid to drunkenly

stumble into the Earth. Theia,

like most drunks, exploded

on impact, throwing a huge

cloud of debris from the two

planetoids into orbit. This

cloud of debris came together

to form - “The MOON!” you

shout out, because intellectual

posturing is the school

sport. Unfortunately for your

ego, two moons formed from

the debris. The second, like

Conor Cooper

the planet that spawned it,

was a) smaller than its partner

and b) all up in its grill. This

second impact “pancaked”

the smaller moon across the

larger moon’s surface, forming

its far side. What’s more, this

is thought to have been merely

one of several ‘giant impacts’

early in Earth’s history.

You see! The truth is out there,

dear reader! Say, “what’s that

in the sky...”?

Well, that bright thing is the

sun. Or, depending on where

you’re reading this, possibly

a ceiling light. Don’t look at

those. You’ll go blind. And

that’d be a shame, because

the world isn’t really ending

today. What IS ending today

is the 13th B’aktun, a Mayan

Calendar, which marks the

beginning of a new era. So in

South America, while everyone

else is glancing up at the

sky, they’re celebrating a new

millennium. They believe the

‘big change’ that has everyone

so worked up is a “harmony

and balance between mankind

and nature.” You read

that right; the Outdoor Classroom

is part of the Mayan ‘end

of the world’. But we can still

take something from today.

Perhaps instead of waiting for

the end, we could think about

how to make things better in

the meantime. We’re not all

going to die today, so we need

to stop living like we will.

But regardless, let’s have a big

party- it’s a new Mayan millennium.

Happy New Year!

Bishops Stortford MUN Conference:

Meet the Delegates

Instead of writing a bog-standard report, the KEGS Ambassador brings you an exclusive

interview with the school’s delegates for an insight into the recent Model United Nations event

at Bishops Stortford High School.

Mr Interviewer: Now, for all our

readers, could you give a brief

explanation of the course of the


Ben M: When we arrived at

the conference we had an

introduction, and then we split

off into the separate rooms for

the morning. In the afternoon

we all gathered for the general

assembly where we discussed

the separate resolutions that

had been passed. It was a really

enjoyable day.

WeiNan: I would say that the

lobbying session in our separate

committees was the focal point

of the day as it was vital to gain

support from other delegations.

Mr Interviewer: So to clarify, just

how important was the lobbying


Tom M: As WeiNan said, it was

a crucial part of the day. If you

didn’t get this right, people could

have a whole new perspective on

your resolution.

Mr Interviewer: I know some

of your resolutions were of

extremely high quality, how

happy were you that your

resolutions got passed in the

General Assembly?

Tom M: I don’t know, mine didn’t

get passed…

Matt: Well, all I’m going to say is

that even though my resolution

didn’t get passed I still enjoyed

looking at- I mean debating with

the delegate of China.

Mr Interviewer: We obviously

all want to learn from the best,

so what would you say made a

resolution worthy of the general


Tom M: Well, Henry’s really

the guy to ask, but I suppose

not doing a U-turn halfway

through the day and accidentally

changing your policies helps (as

someone managed to do). Also, I

somehow managed to lose votes

in the lobbying process… still not

sure about that.

Mr Interviewer: I heard that note

passing was interesting; could

you tell us more about this?

Ben M: Well, all I’ll say is that if

this was the real UN, then the

UK would be at war with various

countries, including France,

Germany and Russia.

WeiNan: It depends what you

define as interesting; the note

passing was definitely effective

and helped us to communicate

easily with other delegations.

Matt: Well yes, I agree.

Ben R: I’m sure you do…

Mr Interviewer: I think we’d

better move on. Now I have to

ask this question, how good was

the food?

WeiNan: Bag of Sensations for

me, didn’t decide to go for the

light lunch.

Matt: Lunch was very enjoyable

and the food was good… well

it was for Bishop Stortford’s


Tejas: I didn’t enjoy lunch, the

food was distasteful and so were

the people surrounding it.

Mr Interviewer: Well what about

lunchtime as a whole- was that


Callum: When we eventually got

Matt to stop staring at the female

delegates of China and Germany

we went to watch Arsenal thrash

Spurs in another room.

Tom S: For me, watching Sam

Wisbey’s reactions to the Arsenal

goals were priceless.

Sam: One does not simply watch

football quietly…

Mr Interviewer: I’m sorry to

interrupt you guys but we’re

running out of time, just one

last question, what was your

favourite moment of the


Tejas: It’s got to be Henry’s

reaction when he found at he

hadn’t won the ‘best delegate’

award. He went into possibly

the greatest tirade I have ever

seen; definitely something

Mitt Romney would be proud

of. Maybe we shouldn’t have

teased him so much about it; we

got a few angry stares from Mr

Thomlinson afterwards...

WeiNan: Yeah for me it had to be

the experience of participating

in an external MUN event for the

first time, it was great! Everyone

involved would like to thank

Mr Burcher for organising the

event and also Mr Thomlinson

who accompanied us on the


Mr Interviewer: Thank you for

your time delegates- we hope

our readers have learned a lot

from your experiences and look

forwards to hearing from your

successes in the future.


The Truth About Non Pupil Days

Non-pupil days: few actually know the truth of their purpose. Teacher training I hear? Extra

marking time after a rowdy night out at Mrs Cod perhaps? Peer marking even? No- it’s a matter

of WAR! Not the ‘Further with Berger’ campaign which still conspires to subjugate the UK as the

51st State, but a real deterioration of civil order. The truth is our beloved teachers assemble in the

purpose built ‘outdoor arena’, commonly misnamed ‘the outdoor classroom’, for a conflict of all

out dominance- this is the TEACHER BATTLE!

As usual, Mr Sherrington

assumes the role of mediator

on a particularly chilly Monday.

The teachers file in one by one.

Notable team uniforms include

Mr Levitt in his oversized West

Ham ‘hand-me-downs’ and Dr

Hitch in a somewhat skimpy

Fulham shirt. Meanwhile, Mr

Sherrington proclaims some

new rules: ‘in the spirit of

keeping it trendy’, he bellows

from the lectern, ‘this shall be

a paintball battle; you know...

keep it young, keep it fresh!’

His announcements

continue- ‘due to Academy

cutbacks, the customary 100

paint balls per teacher will

be reduced to 43’. Mrs Singh

however, with some crafty

money management skills,

seems to have acquired some

9708 paint pellets, whilst Mr

Levitt can be seen running to


the protection of his precious

pumpkins. Mr Sherrington

is busily removing Biology

teacher Mr Wren for insisting

on wearing his non-regulation

green jumper over his paintball


And now, everyone is ready.

Lovely Paula the dinner lady

raises her arm and the air falls

silent with anticipation. Messrs

Worrall and Russell begin a

deadly battle of the squints.

Paula inhales ready to blow the

whistle- ‘WAIT’ sounds a voice,

and Mr Sherrington adds- ‘for

those interested, all updates

will be on Twitter’. A wave of

groans ripples through the staff.

Paula, sensing her moment,

raises her arm again with a

smoking black card, yelling


Pellets start to whiz.

The principal mediator (with the assistance of H. Pattendon

Esq. the chicken) readies himself for a day of carnage in the

Teacher Battle

Likely alliances have already

formed. Red, blue and green

splodges splatter the fences,

and Team ‘Reem Ginger Ninjas’

has a rather innovative weapon-

Mr Russell has Ms Wiltshire

held in what can only be

described as a Vo5 hair spiked

battering ram. They stampede

towards the upright Mr Carter.

Yet, the well groomed man

remains firm.

The hair torpedo is getting

unbearably close. 10 feet!

5 feet! 2 feet! Mr Carter still

remains emotionless. Suddenly,

Matrix style, time slows and

the assembly book is quickly

produced. In seeing the deadly

ancient KEGS artefact Team

Ginger screws their faces in

fear. Two swift whacks are all

it takes to hypnotise the Art

and Drama reps into infantlike

stupors. Before Mr Carter

has time to read his Brinny.P

inspired victory rap, he receives

a whollop to the face from the

militarily-clothed Mr Worrall’s

air guitar. He proclaims ‘you

stole my kill! Fool!’

Many teachers have fallen

now, yet Mr Green amazingly

remains squatting in his

transvestite netball outfit

(which he claims to be part

of lost property). He elatedly

begins to skip after figuring out

where the trigger is on his gun,

but unwittingly the P.E. teacher

fires all his allotted pellets into

the air.

Returning Geography

veteran Mr Smith twitches to

the noise, quickly letting loose

three deadly Geography darts

from his extra pointy colouring

The Truth About Non Pupil Days

pencil bandolier, knocking Mr Green clean out.

Mr Levitt now returns from the field bundled

with marrows – only to drop his prized crops to

clasp his ears from the continental double team

of Shearman and Midroit.

In vain the History teacher muffles his ears

to the heckling of their talk and is chased off

the court by a barrage of croissant boomerangs.

Taking flight to the German department too is Mr

Thomlinson, rightly concerned as Madame Selaj

has mistaken him for Tin-Tin yet again, badgering

for an autograph. The battle seems to intensify

and the fury spills onto the streets.

A preoccupied Mr Steele leads a barber

shop quartet with Ms. Turtle, Sparsh Pandya

and Joe Thomas, who are unaware their ringing

harmonies are aggravating the furious Dr Hitch.

The Geography legend tears into the singers

steaming like Eyjafjallajökull, grunting at Mr

Steele: ‘dépêche-toi this!’

A sudden gust of wind drops the temperature

and a thick blanket of snow immediately forms.

Dr Greenwood projects in Shakespearean

fashion, ‘the game will have to be cancelled!’ Mr

Sherrington, however, shakes his head, manically

babbling ‘you know the terms men! Play on!’

Mutiny does not occur; instead the teachers

so overcome with tiredness simply lie down in

the now 11 inch-thick snow. It seems we have

no winner then... but no! There remains one

sumptuous rotund silhouette with clenched fists

firm against the snow, and an eagle perched

upon the shoulder.

To be Continued…


Tam on the Decks

A sideways glance at what’s hot in the world of music

Tahmidur Rahman

Kendrick Lamar

L.A rapper Kendrick Lamar’s first major label release

is the story of a good kid from Compton and his

reaction to the pressures of a struggling community

ostensibly oppressing his aspirations. The album

gives Kendrick the drive to break into a music

industry full of money trees and swimming pools full

of liquor.

Described as a short film, Kendrick looks to take

us on his journey from rags to riches with the

same story-telling prowess as Jay-Z and Nas. The

powerfully personal portrayals, reflected in the

fly-on-the-wall home photo of his childhood for a

cover, show an intimate development throughout his

youth. Comedic voicemail ‘skits’, in which his father

questions the whereabouts of his dominoes, give the

album diversity in tone as he leads us through the

necessities of crime, complications of relationships

and a reliance on loyalty among cliques and family.

As well as this, Lamar expresses the love for his

Compton home amongst the criticisms; “Compton,

Compton. Ain’t no city quite like mine.”

Kendrick’s rags to riches story is a beautiful revival

of the prominent themes of 90s hip-hop, heavily

influenced by the music of his youth, reliant on the

political outrage and socio-economical analyses

of rappers like Tupac Shakur, N.W.A, DMX and

The Notorious B.I.G. His humble beginnings and


allegiance to his mother resonate throughout the

album, as Backstreet Freestyle, Real and Compton

celebrate Lamar’s achievements whilst referring to

the limitations his initial wealth and surroundings

had on the realisation of his political aspirations.

If I was to write 10 pages for this review, maybe I

would be able to find a point of criticism for good

kid, m.A.A.d city. However, this album, founded and

created on the resonating principles of conscientious

hip-hop, has to be one of my favourite albums of this

century so far. The style of production merges early

hip-hop’s dependence on simple drum beats and

ecstatic brass with the bass-dependent minimalism

of contemporary names like Drake, particularly on

Poetic Justice and Swimming Pools (which Twitter

claims as two of the most popular recent tracks).

Kendrick’s development in style from his allegorical

debut album Section .80 to the more complex

story-telling of good kid, m.A.A.d city shows a more

intelligent and accessible method of weaving his

message into narration- a masterpiece of lyricism and



“Breaking the Watershed”

Editor’s Music Picks

A quick flick through Dilley’s Disks

In the ‘unlikely’ event that the world hasn’t ended, we at the KEGS Ambassador feel that it’s

important to write a record of what our Editor raved about in 2012. You might not agree, but here

they are:

The Editor’s Top Ten Tracks of 2012

1. Clique- GOOD Music

2. Call Me Maybe- Carly Rae Jepsen

3. Money Trees- Kendrick Lamar

4. Sweet Life- Frank Ocean

5. Rock Bottom- King Krule

6. Take U 4 A Dinna- Ur Boy Bangs

7. Oliver Twist- D’Banj

8. White Dress- Kanye West

9. Goldie- A$AP Rocky

10. Chum- Earl Sweatshirt

The Editor’s Top Ten Albums of 2012

1. good kid, m.A.A.d city- Kendrick Lamar

2. Channel Orange- Frank Ocean

3. Trilogy- The Weeknd

4. 1999- Joey Bada$$

5. The Money Store- Death Grips

6. Habits & Contradictions- ScHoolboy Q

7. Cruel Summer- Kanye West Presents GOOD


8. awE NaturalE- THEESatisfaction

9. Control System- Ab-Soul

10. Life Is Good- Nas


“Hard Times”


“The End”


Jacob Henton

The Christmas buying season is upon us and, whether you are

shopping for your sister, brother, mother, father or yourself, I’m

here to give you the complete guide to what to get, and perhaps

stem the tide of the gushing mainstream wound that is the last

quarter of the year.

Compliment games, you say? What’s a compliment?

Assassin’s Creed 3

So I’ll begin by not

recommending this game. If the

core game mechanic of literally

going around a field killing

English people wasn’t enough

to put you off, the fact that it

had a rushed development cycle

of only a year, the repetitive

gameplay, and a story so rushed

it could have been written in

a tea break certainly will. The

multiplayer’s good though. 2/10

Halo 4

The one dimensional Master

Chief is back with his crazy

robot girlfriend. Unjustifiably,

might I add? Halo 3 rounded off

the condemning story of the

Halo world quite concisely with

(spoiler) Chief being lost in space

and humanity losing the war to

the alien menace, but Microsoft

would be damned before they

let its biggest earner get shut off.

So, here we have Halo 4- ‘the first

instalment in an all new trilogy’

smarms the box art. Microsoft,

unfortunately, doesn’t realise

that no one asked for this. Halo 3

recently celebrated its billionth

match and the Reach servers are

still kept busy, so why try and fix

what isn’t broken? 3/10


Farcry 3

Farcry 2 was exactly like

its successor; a jam-packed,

roller coaster of a game set in

rural Africa, with competent

multiplayer, an entertaining story

and immersive open world. Then

when you get bored of that you

can drive around and take out

your frustrations on the zebras.

If I had to be critical of Farcry 3

(which I do, it’s in job description,

you know? Critic) I’d quietly say

something about it not trying

anything new before going back

to blazing through a jungle on my

doom-buggy. 7/10

XCOM: Enemy unknown

Possibly one of the most

engaging action/RTS games ever

made, XCOM has you follow

a group of soldiers who fight

back against an alien invasion.

You manage their base, their

weapons, their squad placement,

their actions in the field and what

colour tie they wear to work in

the morning. I can’t recommend

this if you like a fast, frantic

style of gameplay, but if you can

get into it, XCOM will keep you

entertained until the next slur of

titles grace our shelves. 9/10

Hitman: Absolution

Hitman was once a

series about getting away with

removing the target and only the

target- the fun came from using

what little you had and sneaking

past vastly superior opponents

to do this. They start ramping

up the Hitman’s abilities and

all of a sudden you’re playing a

power armoured space marine,

not a booted and suited silent

killer. Now the game is just about

fighting fetishized nuns. I tell

no lies. If you haven’t seen the

trailer for this game, watch it,

just, not at school.


Lego Lord of the Rings

This is the one you’ve all

been waiting for. The stuffing

to the turkey. The peas to the

carrots. Lego LotR is the best

thing to come out of Lego

since the Indiana Jones kits.

Play through the entire trilogy,

following a caricatured entourage

of hobbits, elves, dwarves men

and wizards, all voiced by actors

from the film. Staccato bursts

of humour are woven carefully

into the completely interactive

world while not impeaching on

Tolkien’s epic storyline. If you

have a younger sibling, introduce

LotR to them through this, or

play with likeminded teenagers-

you will not be disappointed.

And with the release of the film

version of The Hobbit, you’ll be

swimming in Middle Earth until

the Orcs invade. 10/10

Top 5 Weirdest Christmas Traditions

David Barker, Entertainment Editor

It’s not all mince pies, turkey and baubles

everywhere in the world this December. Prepare

to be amazed as we take a look at these weird and

wonderful Christmas traditions from across the


5. Kentucky Fried Christmas:

In the UK it is the norm to sit down with our

families and tuck into a tasty Christmassy meal

consisting of sprouts, turkey and pigs-in-blankets,

but in Japan, Christmas traditions for some have

truly transformed. Christmas Day places special

emphasis on romance with a sweetheart of one’s

choice and in recent years Japanese lovers have

been known to dine at their nearest KFC for that

perfect Christmas romantic meal. Demand for

Colonel Sander’s special treats is so great that

tables have to be booked weeks in advance.

4. El Caganer – A Dastardly Defecating Decoration:

While most British families choose to decorate

their homes and their trees with the traditional

Christmas staples of Santa, reindeers and baubles,

many families from Spain, Italy and Portugal choose

to display a figurine depicting a red capped peasant

displaying his bare buttocks after finishing his

business. Originating from the nativity story, El

Caganer translates literally to ‘The Great Defecator’.

The suave looking chap is considered so crucial to

Christmas tradition in Catalonia, that in 2005, the

Barcelona city council provoked a public outcry

by commissioning a nativity scene which did not

include a Caganer.

3. Christmas Praising:

In Caracas, the capital of Venezuela, it is customary

to travel to early-morning church services during

the festival period on roller skates – roads are even

cleared to provide Christmas worshippers with a

safe passage.

2. Christmas Log - Not quite what you’re


Continuing the faecal theme - one very common

in Catalonian tradition - the ‘Tió de Nadal’ known

to many as the ‘defecating log’, is quite simply a

log with a crudely-painted face and sticks wedged

in to represent arms and legs with a hole through

it. Starting on December 8th, the Catalonian

children ‘feed’ the log all kinds of tasty treats until

Christmas day, when the craziness occurs. The kids

take the unsuspecting log and place him in front

of the fireplace and hit it with sticks until all of the

treats and sweets come out of its bottom. Yum!

1. Kiviak – The Digging Up of the Dead Bird.

Kiviak, a tasty Inuit delicacy traditionally eaten

around Christmas time in Greenland, is prepared by

fermenting 300 to 500 auk birds into a bag made

of seal skin and covered in seal fat. The kiviak is

then left to ferment for up to 18 months and is then

eaten by biting off the bird’s head and sucking out

the inner juices. In order to prevent their houses

from smelling like a week old plate of the KEGS

canteen’s finest macaroni cheese, kiviak eaters

choose to gorge on their favourite dish away from

their homes in the snow.



Cake Corner

by Max “Greg Wallace” Blore &

Henry “Delia Smith” Dodd

We last saw our heroes after the dramatic conclusion of possibly the

most important and exciting thing ever to happen. Dodd and Blore’s

documentation of Cake Corner was universally adored as our boys

provided lavish descriptions, cheeky quips and fantastic hair. They

were not, however, about to rest on their laurels. Once again our

loveable duo has stepped up to the plate, licked clean by their

ever-ravenous tongues and roped in the ACTUAL Senior Leadership

Team (none of this sub-deputy deputy rubbish) to take part in the

ultimate test of nerves, creativity and culinary prowess. We’ve seen

them rule the school but the question constantly on everybody’s lips

is this: can they bake? Over to the boys.

First up, Shezza, the Shezzman, Big Shez. Our headmaster’s

creation (previously unveiled on Twitter @headguruteacher)

was described by the HM himself as a

‘classic chocolate yule log’. The first test: Christmassy

appearance. The Queen Bee’s log certainly didn’t disappoint

on this front. With its lush chocolate, festive

icing sugar and amateur taxidermy it proved to be a truly

classic combo. However, our suspicions were arisen by the

aforementioned Tweet when the Gaffer suggested that he

had had “A little help from Nigella” when baking the cake

(#thesherringtonenquiry). Nevertheless, the homemade appeal

really won our judge’s hearts. In terms of flavour the Big

Cheese certainly delivered. As our judges gave into temptation

and took their first timid bite, like unreliable Magikarps,

Mr Blore fainted. Mr Dodd began to weep, such was the intricacy

and the richness of the creamy,

“The heart-warming

Christmassy glow”

choccy coating. The sponge itself,

whilst possessing a slightly rubbery

crumb, had an abundance of

complex undertones, of which gin-

ger and cinnamon were the most prevalent, furthering the

heart-warming Christmassy glow that struck the judges on

first appearance. There were certainly parallels to be drawn

between the log and its masterful creator; despite an aura

of intimidating majesty, its warm gooey-ness just made you

want to give it a hug. Musical notes sang on the tongue, with

the flavours complimenting each other even more so than

Brad Starr and the infamous saxophone.

Overall, a triumph.

Next up, Mr Carter presented our judges with a

‘radian cake’. A savage ferocity gleamed in his

usually playful eyes, such was the competitiveness

of the bout. It became clear that for our loveable

Maths teacher, this was about more than just a cake;

Mr Carter was not about to miss a chance to knock

Mr Sherrington off his lofty perch. Unfortunately for

Mr C it did not begin well. Our appeal for a Christmas

theme had been lost on him and whilst beautiful

in its own way, it lacked the festive frivolity of his

opponents’ entries. The shortcomings stopped

there however, as the

moist crumb and creamy

icing proved to provide

a delectable fusion of

flavour and fun. Yet

“A delectable fusion

of flavour and fun”

here the plot thickens. Typically of Mr Carter’s

oh so controversial nature, he had managed

to divide our judges. Whilst young master

Dodd likened the wondrous creation to

a “massage in the mouth”, Judge Blore

remained fairly unimpressed, insisting

that Mr Carter’s toil had amounted to

the conjuring of something little better

than the cakes (and I use the word in its

loosest sense) in the canteen. Regardless of

its delightful texture, Mr Carter had clearly not

realised that he was very much playing with the big

boys at Cake Corner.

Cake Corner by Max “Greg Wallace” Blore & Henry “Delia Smith” Dodd

Having cleansed their palettes with a glugg of Radnor

Hills’ finest spring water, our judges embarked on their

third and final adventure; Mr Barrow’s ‘Chocolate

Bomb’. Mr Barrow did not disappoint, delivering a

cake that caressed the senses; in particular providing

an aroma which left the judges diving snout first into

the chocolate mountain. All went swimmingly for Mr

Barrow on the presentation front with the addition

“A cake that caressed

the senses”

of several edible sugary

snowmen which really

got the judges’ juices

going. Now though, all

thought to tasting. Fortunately it became apparent

that Mr Barrow had delivered on his promise of a

‘chocolate bomb’ (there is nothing our judges like

less than being given false promises), with an intensely chocolaty sensation manifesting itself into every

crevice of our favourite pair’s mouths. However, baking is a game of ratios and our judges just felt that the

balance of icing to sponge was a little off, with a little more creaminess needed to compliment the moist

crumb which made up the majority of the cake. However, the subtleties of Mr Barrow’s creation were not lost

on our experienced tasters, who picked up delightfully spicy undertones of nutmeg, ginger and cinnamon.

Our legendary senior leadership team pulled

out all the stops and our judges would first like

to thank them all for their generous offerings

to the cake Gods. However, they had to choose

a winner and once again this proved to be

rather tricky but eventually a decision was made. With

regret, it must be announced that there was no option

but to put Mr Carter in third place. One small slip up

could lose you the competition; our judges were forced

to put their emotions aside and appreciate that the

other delights provided greater depth of flavour and

more importantly adhered to the Christmas theme. It

should be noted however that there is no shame in this;

Mr Carter provided a masterpiece which in any other

competition would have dominated. It is statement to

the sheer strength of the opposition that he was not

more successful. In second place, despite being the new

kid on the block, was Mr Barrow; our judges agreed

that the many-faceted choccy monster was impressive

and deservedly slotted in between the cakes of our

other two competitors. This left just one man and his

cake. But this was not just a cake. This was a wonder;

a wonder baked on the stoic foundations of ambition,

confidence and enthusiasm which make this school so

great. Mr Sherrington did not win because he copied

from his partner, nor because he opted to “wing it” and

assume that he’d be fine. Mr Sherrington won this most

proud and prestigious competition because he fought

for it. His undeniable victory is testament to the power

of hard work and passion and the judges sincerely hope

that through this triumph he has inspired you, as he has

them, to achieve greatness.

“I’d marry anyone who made puddings like that!” remarked

Max, licking his lips. “Mmmm…sublime. I just can’t wait for

the next exciting and entertaining issue!” replied Dodd

excitedly, “I heard that Mr Green makes a scrumptious

bakewell tart!” With this our heroes walked off into the

sunset in search of more tasty treats.

Find out what happened in the next issue…


“This had a title, but PSG bought it”

Justice Akushie, Sports Editor

It’s been another couple months of Premier

and Champions League madness with Michu

in top form, QPR struggling and Chelsea

deciding to take a page out of Mancini’s book,

and crash out early.

The firing of Di Matteo has had Chelsea

fans up in arms and has left pundits baffled

as to what a manager would have to do in

order to gain Roman Abramovich’s support.

Next thing you know, Chelsea’s new interim

manager Rafa Benitez will probably get sacked

for failing to achieve in the T20 World Cup!

Torres, however, has actually taken a step

up with a load of goals in recent games. The

Spanish striker said he hoped to stay within

that coveted “1 goal for every 24 hours of

football” barrier. Meanwhile QPR are deep

inside the relegation zone. Newly appointed

manager Harry Redknapp had managed to

scramble together three successive draws,

but it looks like he will struggle to turn them

around this season. QPR are currently 11/10

to avoid the drop which means that if you bet

£10, you will lose £10.

Across the continent, Barcelona Centre

Forward Lionel Messi was two

goals away from breaking

the World Record for the

number of goals scored in

a calendar year (85 by Gerd

“Der Bomber” Müller”) when

he collapsed in agony in

Barcelona’s game against

Benfica. It was devastating; I

felt as if somebody had sliced

Da Vinci’s hand off when he

was two brush strokes away

from completing the Mona

Lisa, or as if someone had

nicked a number off of one of

Einstein’s theories. It was interesting to hear

Barcelona Manager Tito Vilanova pretend as

if he actually thought Messi was just “another

Barcelona player” in his press conference,


however. Anyway, Messi wasn’t as badly

injured as was first thought, coming back in

Barca’s next game to score a double, securing

the record. Astonishing stuff.

It’s the end of an era over in the USA as

David Beckham announced that he was leaving

L.A. Galaxy for “one last challenge”, after a

fairy-tale 3-1 cup final victory against Houston

Dynamo. The midfielder has already fended

off several claims as to which league he will

be going to from the press, but people are still

continuing to speculate as to why exactly he

chose to leave the MLS. My guess is that his

wife felt like moving to Paris.

Last but not least, BALOwatch! Man City’s

Mario Balotelli became a father for the first

time in December after his girlfriend Raffaella

Fico gave birth to a baby daughter, reportedly

named Pia. This doesn’t seem to have affected

his style however, as he later took a picture of

himself wearing a camouflage onesie whilst

standing next to his camouflage car and

camouflage quad bike. It’s not setting fire to

your own house, but it’s something.

I’ll leave you with a quote from his

Manchester City teammate Pablo Zabaleta:

“Mario is a character who, as a teammate,

sometimes makes you laugh at what he does

and other times makes you just want to kill


Pep Guardiola: Where’s he off to next?

Tejas Kotwal

As football’s hottest property begins the search for a new club, Tejas Kotwal looks at his

possible destinations…

Many were surprised when

Guardiola left Barcelona last

year; after all, why would you

want to leave Europe’s most

talented and beloved team?

In fact, he turned out to have

a very good reason. Guardiola

felt he had achieved all he

could at Barça and this was

true; he had won numerous La

Liga titles, Copa del Reys, The

Champions League and even

the World Club Championship.

Furthermore, he said leaving

Barça would give him more

time to spend with his family

and friends, something many

managers regretted not being

able to do.

But after many months

away from the highly stressful

world of football, it seems

the world’s most sought after

manager is ready to return.

The question on everyone’s

mind is: who will he be


The list of potential clubs

seems to be increasing every

day: AC Milan, Manchester

United, Chelsea, Arsenal,

Manchester City, Inter Milan;

heck, even Real Madrid

want him. The list is literally

endless. I don’t think anybody

would be surprised if he left

the sunny beaches of Spain

to fly north and manage

Chelmsford City the way these

rumors are flying in....

Even though Manchester

City has openly said they want

him at the club, I don’t really

see that happening. Guardiola

isn’t a manager who will be

influenced by money and, let’s

face it, that’s all Man City can

really offer him.

On the face of it, the two

Milan clubs seem like a real

possibility. They are widely

respected clubs, with histories

that most clubs would be

envious of. However, they pose

their own problems. Despite

great pasts, the present isn’t

looking too good. Both clubs

have seen huge dips in form

and are nowhere near as good

as they used to be. Think

Liverpool, but Italian.

Maybe Pep will join Arsenal,

or Manchester United?

Unfortunately, these two clubs

already have great managers. Alex Ferguson and Arsène Wenger

are by far the two best managers in the Premier League and

there is no way they are going to be replaced by Guardiola. The

only possibility is that one of them retires (ahem...Ferguson....


So who does that leave?

Chelsea. Please, for the love of God, don’t join Chelsea.

While writing this article I have tried to stay as unbiased

as possible, but if this guy joins Chelsea I think I will have to

cry. It’s not that I have anything personal against the club but

the way they have gone about their business these past few

months has been, quite frankly, shocking. First the club sacks Di

Matteo for, you know, leading them to FA Cup and Champions

League glory last season. Then they replace him with Rafa

Benitez who apparently is about to be sacked too! All this

whilst finding themselves ten points adrift from the top of the

table. Bravo.

Chelsea has had eight managers during Abramovich’s time

at Chelsea and most of those have failed to last even a single

season. Knowing that you have the backing of your boss is key

to a manager’s reign and that is just something Pep Guardiola

won’t have at Chelsea. Why waste your talents at a club that

will fire you after a few losses?

By now you’re all probably wondering ‘well then, who is he

going to join?’ I don’t condone betting but if you plan to, I’d put

you’re money on Chelmsford City...


Sports Review of the Year


Freddie Flintoff: From

Pitches to Punches

Danial Naqvi

This year ex-England

cricketer Andrew

Flintoff had been

training for one of the

‘biggest matches’ he

had ever taken part in;

and it wasn’t a game of

cricket. Flintoff is just

the latest example of a

sportsman who swaps

one talent for another;

the only difference this

time is that Flintoff

swapped one talent

(cricket) for something

which he admits he

is terrible at (boxing).

Sure he won his first

fight, but he looked like

he was having a scrap

outside the pub rather

than in the big arena.

In comparison to other

‘switchers’ (Michael

Jordan, etc) this is a

poor attempt. Okay

Freddie, you won; but

now retire. Kthxbi.

The London 2012 Olympic Games

Fred Forsey

My biggest sporting event of the year would have to be the

Olympics. The entire nation was behind all the athletes and

the nation was on its feet if we won, no matter what event

or match. For those of you who went, you will know that the

atmosphere was incredible, no matter where or when you

went, and nothing could compare to the excitement when

Mo Farah or Jessica Ennis won their gold medals. Even Tom

Daley winning his bronze was twice as special as the silver

and gold medallists with the strength of his performance

and what he had achieved in the face of adversity. The size,

achievements and execution of the games was enough to

win me over and make London 2012 my sporting event of

the year.

Justice Akushie

The London Summer Olympics 2012 began on Friday July

27 and ended on Sunday August 12, but what took place in

that short two-week period is something none of us are going

to forget for a very long time. For at least those 17 days,

it felt as if all the cold-hearted cynicism that Britain is particularly

famous for was suddenly lost in a frenzy of hospitality

and pride. Every time someone British won a podium

place, it felt as if we’d won our own mini World Cup.

I probably won’t watch any volleyball or kayaking as a

result of the Olympics, and I definitely won’t be watching

any woman’s football. But that “proud to be British” feeling,

something that is so rare, will stay with me forever.

Romain Grosjean: Formula 1’s Joey Barton

Tejas Kotwal

KEGS Wednesday League Football - 2012 Season

Brad Starr

To be a part of Wednesday League Football at KEGS in 2012

was an honour bestowed upon 22 lucky individuals. Refereed

by Mr Alan Torrie in Wednesday Games lessons, it provided a

suitable outlet for intense skill on the football pitch. Although

the rules are not clear cut, one learned from experience that

although diving can be rewarding, Mr Torrie has sharp eyes to

detect any actors. The often head on style of tackling personified

by Councillor Dodd’s intense challenges brought a new

perspective to the game of real men; football. Wednesday

League has weathered me and many others into veterans of

football, and the beauty witnessed in the high scoring games

continues to stun and impress many a spectator. Long live

Wednesday League, Long live Football.

Chelmsford in the FA Cup

James Beaumont

Having battled their way through the qualifying rounds, including

what is regarded as one of the greatest cup clashes of all

time, Chelmsford City’s 1st round match ended in delight after

they beat Colchester United (3 leagues higher than them) 3-1

in front of a capacity crowd. The second round pitched the

Clarets against Crawley Town in the second round. Despite the

fans, dubbed the “Claret Army” being extremely vocal throughout,

Chelmsford’s luck ran out. They were beaten 3-0 by a

sublime Crawley side. So, the dream is over for another year;

oh well, there’s always the FA Trophy!

Embarrassing’, the ‘first-lap nutcase’ and ‘an

idiot’ are just a few phrases used to describe

this man. For those of you who don’t follow

Formula 1, this is a guy who managed to

crash his car eight times over the course of

last season’s races. Yes, eight times. Don’t

get me wrong, I’m not a sadistic guy who

enjoys watching these types of things. In

fact, I find it pretty sad when crashes occur

even once. But eight times! Wow, that takes

some doing. For a sport that doesn’t enjoy

very much mainstream success I hope this

will get people watching it. It’s much more

interesting than watching footballers ‘injure’

themselves anyway...

The African Cup of Nations

Wiza Kaluba

This year has been one of ups and downs

when it comes to sport, with the Olympics,

the Europa League, the Euros and

the FA Cup- and those are just the events

that included football. Of course, a fair

and unbiased account of the year would

bring up other sporting triumphs- I think

Jess Ennis won something or other.... Now

back to the footie. The real event this year

was of course the one that united a continent,

and provided some of the greatest

quality football on Earth. Forget Ibrahimovic

or Messi, 2012 has been the year

of the Chipolopolo (Zambia). The reigning

champions of the African Cup of Nations

have qualified to defend their title despite

being described as “sloppy”, although this

could’ve been because of the overwhelming

atmosphere at the 45,000 seater

Ugandan stadium. Either way the African

Cup looks set to thrill in 2013 with the

greatest team in Africa ready to shine



Which is the best wacky sport?

Danial Naqvi

Fred Forsey

Toe Wrestling

Bubble Football

Imagine arm wrestling. Then imagine your arms

to be your legs and your hands to be feet. Ladies

and gentlemen, meet the wackiest sport in the

world: toe wrestling.

In the 1970s a chap named George Burgess

wanted to give England at least one sport where

they could be world-beaters in... Cue the invention

of toe wrestling. It was pretty awkward when a

Canadian won the inaugural event and Burgess

became a laughing stock, but the new sport he

created went from strength-to-strength ever since.

Every year masses of top players congregate

in Derbyshire (it was previously Wetton before

the location change) to take part in the world

championships. Contenders like Tom “100m”

Martin, Paul “Tomatominator” Beech and Alan

“Nasty” Nash (the current world champion) with

their nonsensical nicknames go toe-to-toe in what

is the biggest appendage-vying predicament of

the calendar year.

As the event gets under way, the competitors

have to have their feet and toes checked by the

referee to ensure they are fit to wrestle (can’t

have those long nails which can severely harm the

other wrestler) and sit down on the floor, ready to

go cat-and-mouse at each other. After sportingly

taking off each other’s shoes and socks, the battle

commences with a ritualistic chant- “one, two,

three, four, I declare a toe war”- and both players

lock toes, aiming to physically and mentally break

down their opponent.

Once someone is victorious as they pin their

adversary for a whopping 3 seconds, they get

the coveted trophy and become the global toewrestling

champion; wacky or what?



Design and Layout:

Aaron Demolder, James Murdey,

Hanna Rudner and William Luckin

Originating from Norway, bubble football is

indoor football with smaller goals. Oh also, players

run around in a big bubble and you can tackle

almost however you like. As you can imagine, this

game is incredibly fun. Who wouldn’t want to

smash into their friends with no chance of getting

injured at all? It’s got all the fun of paintball, yet

you don’t need to be a scaredy-cat just because

you don’t want to get a bruise. What chance of

being bruised is there if you are surrounded by

a big bubble? In toe wrestling, you’re just sitting

down, linking feet and pushing. There’s also a

chance of broken toes, and we wouldn’t want that

now, would we Dan?

The game is also reasonably physically

demanding; there’s running involved, lots of

getting up when you fall down, not to mention

charging into other players when they don’t have

the ball because you feel like it... And don’t forget

getting hot in the big bubble you have to carry

with you wherever you go. Toe wrestlers sit down

all day, and even sit down whilst competing.

I wouldn’t call that much of a sport. Even darts

players stand up whilst throwing.

Finally, shouldn’t people compete in amateur

sports in order to have fun and make friends?

Where are you going to go to in order to socialise

when toe wrestling? What fun are you having

by hurting your feet and wrestling with other

people? Bubble Football is a safe, fun and social

sport for all ages, whether you’re a grown man or

5 years old.

Volume 5 2012

Issue 02 December

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