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I felt hugely responsible for his death, completely incompetent, guilty and
ashamed. I was so distressed I was sent to the staff room where a medical
registrar was having coffee. He asked me why I was so upset and my
story poured out of me. The doctor told me the patient would probably
have died anyway because people rarely survived when they were as ill as
John. He asked me why I had clamped the drains; wasn‘t it obvious the air
could not escape? I said I didn‘t think; I was following the unit‘s policy to
clamp drains when moving patients. I was in automatic pilot mode.
Clamping the drains before moving a patient was seen as a safety
precaution. Clearly, this was not usually a problem when fluid was
draining. I told him I was going to pack in nursing as obviously I wasn‘t cut
out for it. He said if he always focused on his mistakes he wouldn‘t ever be
able to function effectively as a doctor and told me not to worry. He urged
me to focus on the positives and to learn from my mistake. He warned, ―If
you aren‘t sure, ask; never try and bluff it.‖
I realised during this conversation away from the bedside I had made an
awful error of judgement. I should have thought about John‘s condition
rather than following the routine procedure without thinking. The registrar
tried to comfort me; ―it wasn‘t as if you had deliberately tried to kill him!‖
The joke fell on stony ground! I was silent but still tearful. He persisted
―You have to hang onto the successes where you know you‘ve made a
difference. Don‘t wear your heart on your sleeve; toughen up a bit. Don‘t
take it to heart so much! Everyone makes mistakes; that‘s part of being
human. It‘s just in our business there are sometimes dramatic
consequences, life and death, but you have to get over it. It‘s not your
fault. Remember, you didn‘t cause the emphysema in the first place!‖
I know he was trying to reassure me and to some extent it worked. I don‘t
remember having a conversation about what happened with the nurse in
charge of the unit, although it may have taken place and I have just
forgotten about it. I remember being called out of the coffee room to
relieve someone for their break and being told to stop crying. There were
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