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"Well, yes," I replied. "I felt very depressed as a teenager, but that's all over now.
I'm in Bible college."
"Maybe," she smiled. "My hope for you is that you could wear your hurts a little
more easily. Put them out there on your sleeve. Let people know you've hurt and that
God is with you in the middle of it. Don't pretend that God makes everything easy."
I was completely confused by what she said, but I said nothing.
After that, I noticed that I was quieter, that I listened more, that I seemed to connect
better with people. As I look back, I see that this was the first of many clues I received
that the best way to communicate God's love was not to minimize the pain of life, but to
call on God's presence in the middle of it.
The Bad
Denial moves from good to bad when adults continue to block out painful experiences
and store them in the holding tank of the subconscious mind. For example, Donna's husband
(chapter 2) told her over and over that her critical ways were killing him inside. She meant well,
and she prayed about it for a day or two, but then another crisis occurred and she vented her
anger by criticizing him.
The Ugly
When adults continue to ignore the truth about what they feel, the holding tank of the
subconscious mind gets so full of hurt that it begins leaking in the form of crises and nagging
itches. Facing them is hard work and involves looking at patterns and roles developed in
childhood and carried into adulthood. It's not easy to admit these mistakes, find forgiveness, and
develop new patterns. It doesn't feel good to do these things, but it's good for us. It provides a
gateway to living before God and the world in a more authentic way.
Coming out of denial is difficult because we live in degrees of awareness. We see our
destructive patterns clearly for a minute or two, and then we slip back into seeing ourselves as a
"looking-good kid." Or a crisis passes, so we forget the problem and go on.
BLAME "It was her fault, God."
Adam blamed his sin on Eve. Eve blamed the serpent and the first blame loop formed (Gen.
3:12-13). They both tried to look good in God's eyes -- as if people could manipulate God's
opinion of them. The human tendency to shift responsibility away from ourselves is at work
when we say:
• I wouldn't be this way except . . .
• If you hadn't said that to me, then . . .
• I can't help the way I am because . . .
Sometimes people reverse the flow of the blame and judge themselves without mercy.
Maybe it's my fault, they think, even when logic disproves it. Blame becomes a way of life for