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Healing Hurts that Sabotage the Soul
by Curt Grayson and Jan Johnson
Chapter 5: PATTERNS THAT BLOCK GROWTH
In an ideal world, children would grow up getting the love they need at all the right
moments. During crises, parents or grandparents or teachers would pull them aside, tell them
what they need to know and hold them on their laps as long as they need to be held. The reality
is, however, that no parent fulfills every child's needs for love and security. It's easy to misread
children, overreacting to minor troubles and never suspecting what does haunt them. Many
parents do the best they can, but they become distracted with money problems and their own
marital difficulties. Others imitate the harshness and of their upbringing even though they
desperately wish to do otherwise.
Jesus demonstrated the ideal version of childhood in which children feel safe and loved
when He gathered them around Him and blessed them (Mark 10:13-16). When the disciples
tried to push the children away, Jesus demanded to see them. He focused His full attention on
them, listened to them and touched them. He let them put their dirty little hands all over His
tunic. His actions told the disciples that children are precious people worthy of His time. Like
the best parent anyone could imagine, He intervened on the children's behalf and filtered out the
negatives of the culture.
In our culture, however, it's been assumed that if children aren't being beaten, starved or
molested, they're fine. Yet many of us are not fine, considering the ways we need reassurance in
the deepest parts of ourselves, What must I do to feel loved? Some of us find answers to that
question by doing whatever it takes to please others or get their attention. These behaviors work
against our goals as followers of Jesus.
The first step in shedding these destructive behaviors is to examine our upbringing and look
for patterns of denial, blame, isolation and angry reactions. These four reactions are most
apparent in families with these patterns.
A parent or sibling with "King Baby" tendencies A family member who acts like royalty,
ruling the family and forcing his or her wishes on the others is sometimes called a, "King Baby."
Even though this person is an adult, he or she acts like a baby, demanding to have his or her
needs met. These King or Queen Babies upset the entire family if they don't get what they want
(attention, power or even sympathy) or don't have access to whatever satisfies their drivenness (a
job, money or alcohol). The spouse and children put that parent or sibling's needs before their
own. To a greater or lesser degree, King or Queen Baby parents and siblings dominate the other
family members. They may not even be viewed this way because they also go out of their way
to make up for their childish behavior by buying presents, doing kindnesses and being fun.
This King Baby role may have developed over several generations. Perhaps Grandma
pretended to be sick when she didn't get her way. Or Grandpa demanded that everyone shut their
mouths whenever tension rose in the family. In these ways, they maintained control over family