FREE Download - Jan Johnson

Inappropriate role models Parents assuming the roles of King Baby or the caretaker act
childishly -- pouting, manipulating, throwing tantrums -- and so kids grow up thinking that this
babyish behavior is appropriate in adults. When mature behavior is displayed in such a home, it
is often the children who display it. Role reversal is common. Kids comfort and soothe their
parents.
At the age of ten, Tim began rescuing his mother.
One time my mom was lying on our old green couch crying and said, "I'm going to
kill myself, Tim."
"No, Mom, don't!" I pleaded.
"Why shouldn't I?" she asked.
I was only in fifth grade and I didn't know what to say. I looked through the
doorway into the kitchen. The oven door was open and I thought of a reason that made
sense to me: "You make great pizza, Mom. You put all that gooey cheese on it."
She smiled. She lay there for a while and then got up and fixed dinner. I've helped
her! I thought. I felt powerful that I could prevent my mother's suicide.
As a young adult, I sensed that my role was to take care of people as I had done with
my mother. I became a pastor, clueless that I was listening to the voice of my broken
childhood telling me that I should take care of others. I just thought I wanted to help
people.
When my mother would become depressed, I would sometimes tease her and try to
make her laugh. She would feel better for a while. Other times, she would still feel
down. Then I felt as if I'd failed. I hadn't tried hard enough. I wasn't clever enough.
Eventually I felt as if her problems were my fault. Guilt permeated my life. Even
when I became a Christian as a teen, I felt guilty before God. I felt that I had to perform
by leading, teaching, singing. I had to do it all, compulsively. I worried that my
salvation was slipping.
In this way, Tim's childhood set the tone for his life. As a pastor, he devoted his life to
listening to people and offering pat solutions. He felt guilty when things went wrong at the
church.
One result of role reversal is that children grow up too fast. They aren't allowed to be kids.
Tim is well loved in his church for his empathic manner in pastoral counseling. "I started
counseling my mother when I was seven. Then I became the listener-counselor for all my teen
friends. No wonder I became a pastor." The bad news for Tim, however, is that as a young
pastor, he's already burned out. No matter how much he tries to help people, he never feels
successful enough.
YOU MAY BE WONDERING ...