Bringing Warmth into Our Lives - Jewish Infertility

Bringing Warmth into Our Lives - Jewish Infertility

Bringing Warmth into Our Lives - Jewish Infertility


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<strong>Bringing</strong> <strong>Warmth</strong><br />

<strong>into</strong> <strong>Our</strong> <strong>Lives</strong><br />

Eight Ways to Banish the Darkness/16<br />

Hazorim Bedimoh Berinoh Yiktzoru/22<br />

PCOS and Diet/64<br />

My <strong>Infertility</strong> Resume/80<br />

lssue 64/Chanukah 5772

Services<br />

24 Hour Referral Helpline • ATIME Publications • Book & Audio Libraries<br />

• Committee for Halacha & Technology • Family Builder Program • Phone Support Groups<br />

• Insurance Advocacy & Support • Medical Referrals & Research • Menorah Adoption Project<br />

• National Medical Conferences • Online Support Network • Peer support • Pregnancy-Loss Support<br />

Program/ Extreme Grief Services • Refuah Network • Seminars/Educational Events<br />

• Shabbos Near the Hospital • Support Groups • Website • Weekend Retreats<br />

Main Office:<br />

1310 48th Street, Suite 406 Brooklyn, NY 11219<br />

Phone: 718.686.8912 • Fax: 718.686.8927<br />

Helpline: 718.437.7110 or helpline@atime.org<br />

Email: admin@atime.org<br />

Hashgacha: 212.260.0790 or supervision@atime.org<br />

www.ATIME.org<br />

Mid-Atlantic Region:<br />

Tel: 443.220.2702<br />

Email: midatlantic@atime.org<br />

• Baltimore • Washington<br />

•Virginia •Delaware<br />

Florida<br />

Email: florida@atime.org<br />

Monsey:<br />

25 Robert Pitt Dr<br />

Monsey NY, 10952<br />

Tel: 845.517.4347<br />

Monsey@atime.org<br />

Canada:<br />

Small Wonders<br />

Tel 416.742.0090<br />

England:<br />

Tel: 797.328.6827<br />

Email: atime.london@gmail.com<br />

79 Fairholt Road, London, N165EW<br />

Israel:<br />

Tel: 0523.770.444<br />

Email: israel@atime.org<br />

List of Extensions for Main Office:<br />

Membership/111<br />

Insurance Advocacy/112<br />

Pregnancy Loss/113<br />

IVF Failure Survival/113<br />

Shabbos Near the Hospital Program/114<br />

Shabbos Courier Services/114<br />

Adoption/116<br />

Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger/Private Consultaion/117<br />

Mrs. Chani Blumenberg/Office Manager/200<br />

Mr. Chesky Zenwirth/Bookkeeper/201<br />

Mrs. Ruchy Reinman/Accounts Receivable/202<br />

Rabbi Shaul Rosen/Founder and President/204<br />

Mrs. Miriam Fishoff/Events Coordinator/205<br />

Mrs. Liba Simonowitz/Secretary/206<br />

Rebetzin Mindy Landau/Helpline Director/207<br />

Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz/Medical Consultant/208<br />

Mrs. Shaindy Blau/Libraries Director/209<br />

Rabbi Mordechai Koenig/Medical Consultant/210<br />

Mr. Chanoch Glick/Graphic Artist/211<br />

Mrs. Brany Rosen/Director of Member Services/212<br />

Rabbi Yoel Teitelbaum/Gabbai Tzeddaka/214<br />

Mrs. Devoiry Langsam/Supervision Hashgacha/280<br />

Helpline and Guidance/501<br />

Founder & President/Rabbi Shaul Rosen<br />

Director of Medical Affairs/Rabbi Mordechai Koenig<br />

Director of Referral Services/ Rebbitzen Mindy Landau<br />

Director of Services for Pregnacy loss/Mrs. Malky Klaristenfeld<br />

Director of Member Services/Mrs. Brany Rosen<br />

Director of Devolopement/Mr. Sender Gluck<br />

Board of Directors<br />

• Avrumie Ausch • Moshe Blum • Naftali Einhorn • Yechiel Eisenstadt • Benyamin Feit • Shabsi<br />

fuchs • Rabbi Aron Grossman • Avi Hager • David Jacobowitz • Alter Katz • Rabbi Dovid Lefkowitz<br />

• Rabbi Sendy Ornstein • Moshe Dov Stern • Rabbi Aron Twersky • Rabbi Benyamin Weiser<br />

• Rabbi Naftuli Weiss • Shmuel Zafir<br />

Medical Advisory Board<br />

• Samuel Bender, M.D •.Alan Berkeley, M.D. •Jessica Brown, M.D. • Natan Bar-Chama, M.D. •<br />

Jerome Check, M.D. • Matthew Cohen • Owen Davis, M.D. • Dan Goldschlag, M.D. • Marc Goldstein,<br />

M.D.• Richard Grazi, M.D. • Victor Grazi, M.D. • Jamie Grifo, M.D. • Lawrence Grunfeld, M.D.<br />

• Joshua Hurwitz, M.D, • Peter McGover, M.D. • Nachum Katlowitz, M.D. •Harvey Kleinman, M.D.<br />

• Zalmen Levine, M.D. • Harry J. Lieman • Prof. Bruno Lunenfeld • Steven Palter, M.D.<br />

• Darius Paduch, M.D. •Andrei Rebarber, M.D. • Zev Rosenwaks, M.D. • Daniel Salzman, M.D.<br />

• Mark V. Sauer, M.D. • Geoffrey Sher, M.D. •Jonathan Schiff, M.D. • Peter Schlegel, M.D.<br />

• Sherman Silber, M.D. • Michael Silverstein, M.D. • Eli Rybak, M.D. • Richard Scott, Jr. M.D. • Glen<br />

L. Schattman, M.D. • Aaron Weinreb, M.D. • Michael Zinger, M.D.<br />

Support Services Advisory Board<br />

• Mrs. Sara Barris, Ph.D. - Program Director • Mrs. Miriam Fishoff - Program Coordinator<br />

Mrs. Brany Rosen • Mrs. Dassy Stern • Mrs. Feige Singer • Mrs. Joy Ehrman • Mrs. Myriam<br />

Kalchstein • Mrs. Rachel Welfeld • Mrs. Rivky Bertram • Mrs. Sara Barris<br />

• Mrs. Sara Selengut • Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz<br />

Staff<br />

Staff Advisor/Blimy Steinberg<br />

Shabbos Near the Hospital Program Coordinators/Chaya Kar, Vivienne Moskowitz<br />

Pregnancy-Loss Program Coordinator/Malkie Klaristenfeld<br />

Director of Volunteers/Perry Eckstein<br />

Director of Community Affairs/Alter Katz<br />

Medical Consultant/Vivienne Moskowitz<br />

Secretary/Liba Simonowitz<br />

Office Manager/Chanie Blumenberg<br />

Bookkeeper/Chesky Zenwirth<br />

Administrative Assistant/Ruchy Reinman<br />

Event Coordinator/Miriam Fishoff<br />

Insurance Advocacy/Zissy Neustadt<br />

Hashgocha/Rabbinical Supervision Coordinator/Devoiry Langsam<br />

Mailing Coordinator/Gitty Green<br />

Library Coordinator/Shaindy Blau<br />

Peer Support Coordinator/Goldie Glauber<br />

Graphic Designer/Chanoch Glick<br />


2<br />

A TIME welcomes your signed letters, articles and poems. All<br />

suggestions, comments and constructive criticisms are welcome. All<br />

submissions become the property of A TIME and may be edited for<br />

length and clarity. Articles and letters published in A TIME express the<br />

views of the individual writers and may not necessarily represent the<br />

views of A TIME. Please address all correspondence to:<br />

A TIME 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219<br />

or email: admin@atime.org<br />

A TIME, a non-profit organization that supports and educates those in<br />

the <strong>Jewish</strong> community experiencing infertility, publishes this<br />

newsletter 4 times annually (April, June, September, and December).<br />

A TIME does not assume responsibility for the kashruth or reliability of<br />

any product or establishment advertised in its pages. We reserve the<br />

right to reject any advertising for any reason. We shall not be held<br />

liable for non-publication of any submitted advertisements.<br />

Office: A TIME, 1310 48th Street, Suite 406, Brooklyn, NY 11219.<br />

Helpline Staff<br />

Helpline Director: Rebbetzin Landau<br />

Helpline Coordinator: Esty Zafir<br />

• Esty Bernstein •Shaindy Blau • Goldie Blum • Raizy Eigner• Shani Feit • Goldie Glauber • Yehudis<br />

Grunwald- Chevy Jacobs • Chaya Kar • Malky Klaristenfeld• Devoiry Langsam • Elky Miller<br />

• Vivienne Moskowitz •Chaya Gitty Nissin - Feigy Schneid• Faigy Singer, RN<br />

• Miriam Tisser • Rivky Wezberger<br />

• Rabbi Mordechai Koenig • Rabbi Chaim Aron Unger<br />

Rabbonim trained by the A TIME Institute of Halacha and Technology (see page 89)<br />

A listing of mashgichos is available by request only.<br />

Magazine & Publications<br />

Editors/ Perry Ekstein • Devoiry Goralnik • Mindy Lowy • Chana Ruchy Fried<br />

Yiddish Editors/Yitzchok Ekstein • Yoel Z. Lowy • Chaya R. Vitriol<br />

A special thanks to Mrs. Ruchy Reinman for making this Magazine possible

Table of Content<br />

Table of Content<br />

Editorial<br />

Letter from the Editor 4<br />

Timeline 6<br />

Greetings 8<br />

Chizuk<br />

Light Up the Night 10<br />

The Tea Cup 14<br />

Eight Ways to Banish the Darkness 16<br />

Snow in the Fall 20<br />

Hazorim Bedimoh Berinoh Yiktzoru 22<br />

The Weeping Willow Tree 25<br />

Gam Zu L’tova 26<br />

A Blessing in Disguise 29<br />

My Loyal Companions 30<br />

Chizuk from Within<br />

The Whole Point 32<br />

Bound Through Struggles 36<br />

Sparks of Connection 44<br />

A Sense of Belonging 46<br />

Interview 50<br />

The Storm 54<br />

Support<br />

Power of Emotions 56<br />

Daunting Dilemmas 60<br />

How to Treat Yourself After a Loss 62<br />

Medical<br />

Optimizing Male Fertility 63<br />

PCOS and Diet 64<br />

IVM: In Vitro Maturation 68<br />

Ask the Doctor 74<br />

29<br />

113<br />

8<br />

74<br />


3<br />

Humor<br />

My <strong>Infertility</strong> Resume 80<br />

The Out of Body Experience 82<br />

19 Reasons 84<br />

Forums 86<br />

Yiddish Section 96-113<br />

A Time was founded in memory of:<br />

rw hrnhw c”r tvri g”v • rw nrsfh g”v c”r tprho ruzi b”h

Letter from the Editor<br />


Dear Friends,<br />

It has been a long time. Looking back at the past two<br />

years since we have last gone to print, you might be envisioning<br />

a terrain stretching endlessly, an expanse of waiting<br />

and setbacks and disappointments – a vast plane of connecting<br />

and becoming stronger and growing through challenges.<br />

Looking from a different perspective, it has been the<br />

shortest of times. The days have merged <strong>into</strong> weeks, then<br />

months. The months have marched by in a blur of seasons<br />

and years, and once more we are in the midst of the winter,<br />

blinking, unbelieving that we are at the threshold of<br />

Chanukah again.<br />

It is the coldest of times, when frost hovers over our existence<br />

and the winter doldrums set in, banishing us from<br />

the unfriendly outdoors and sending us indoors to be sheltered<br />

from the elements. It’s the time of harsh winds, dropping<br />

temperatures, and bone-numbing cold.<br />

And yet, it’s the warmest of times. What can be toastier<br />

than keeping snug in our heated homes and drinking warm<br />

teas on long winter nights? The warmth of Chanukah; the<br />

candles cast their homey glow as we feel cozy and warm in<br />

a circle of kedusha and inspiration.<br />

It is the happiest of times. Chanukah parties and dreidlach<br />

and deep fried goodies; music and laughter fill up our<br />

Chanukah days as we sing songs of praise to Hashem for<br />

the miracles He had performed to help us defeat our enemies.<br />

We are surrounded by our family and festivity and<br />

joy.<br />

And yet, it’s the saddest of times. Amidst the camaraderie<br />

of families and friends reuniting, we observe from<br />

the sidelines, finding it hard to fully partake in the celebration.<br />

We feel abandoned, dropped off the bandwagon of<br />

life moving on, as once again, we arrive to the parties alone.<br />

Paradoxes exist. Paradoxes especially exist in our lives.<br />

We can feel such joy and such sadness simultaneously – for<br />

the very same reason. We can feel so cold in a society<br />

whose dictates we are not following, yet feel so warm at<br />

being chosen and growing through this nisayon.<br />

In search of a historical paradox we can go back in time<br />



to the year 3622, Nes Chanukah: The Bais Hamikdosh was<br />

in ruins. The holiest of all places, the symbol of Yiddishkeit,<br />

the place where Hakadosh Baruch Hu has chosen as His<br />

place of residence was contaminated and its keilim destroyed.<br />

What greater sadness and shame could Yidden experience?<br />

And behold! The pach shemen was found, the oil<br />

necessary to keep the menorah burning. And miracle of<br />

miracles! This pach shemen, containing oil adequate for<br />

one day, burned for eight days, until a fresh batch of shemen<br />

zayis zach was ready for use.<br />

Amidst the destruction, in their holy Bais Hamikdosh<br />

ruined beyond recognition, the Yidden celebrated. They<br />

praised and sang! They thanked Hashem from the depths<br />

of their hearts. They were so happy, even as they grieved<br />

at the state of Hashem’s palace.<br />

We, too, might sometimes feel like our homes are incomplete.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> mikdosh me’at, ready and waiting, is lacking<br />

that which we wish for to make it whole. We feel<br />

destitute-stripped of what we so desperately want and<br />

yearn for. And yet, let us celebrate for what is intact; a<br />

connection with Hashem, our Emunah, our ability, like<br />

oil, to rise above circumstances and use each challenge<br />

as a stepping stone to grow from.<br />

Let us find the light within the darkness we see. As<br />

contradictory as it may seem, let us focus on the light<br />

and bring it <strong>into</strong> our lives.<br />

A famous question is asked by the Bais Yosef: Why is<br />

it that we celebrate eight days of Chanukah if the actual<br />

nes was only seven days? The first day was no miracle, as<br />

there was enough oil for that one day.<br />

There are many answers to this question, but one very<br />

profound and pertinent answer, which reads as follows:<br />

Nature in itself is a miracle. Because our eyes are so<br />

immune to the workings of nature, we don’t realize how<br />

Let us find the light<br />

within the darkness we<br />

see. As contradictory as it<br />

may seem, let us focus on<br />

the light and bring it <strong>into</strong><br />

our lives.<br />

miraculous it is. We take it for granted that the sun rises<br />

every morning, that grass grows in the spring, and that<br />

oil burns. But no, the fact that oil burns is a miracle in itself!<br />

As such, we celebrate Chanukah for eight days.<br />

How strong this message is! We so often feel that<br />

nothing short of a miracle can help us. According to the<br />

laws of nature, where the medical world is concerned,<br />

statistic-wise, there’s no hope! Let us not forget: Nature<br />

in itself is a miracle. The same One who has created His<br />

world to run according to what we perceive as “natural”<br />

is the One who performs supernatural miracles. Nothing<br />

is impossible for Him, so just keep on hoping and davening.<br />

Wishing you all a wonderful, warm, and happy<br />

Chanukah. May you all be zoche to see the light and experience<br />

your personal Chanukah miracles.<br />

The Editors<br />

We would love to hear from you! Please email your comments<br />

and suggestions to magazine@atime.org<br />


Timeline<br />

T • I • M • E • L • I<br />


Dear Friends,<br />

The A TIME Board of Directors, staff, and volunteers are<br />

thrilled to bring you this beautiful issue of Shaarei Tikva.<br />

It is only with the extreme devotion of the A TIME family<br />

that we can once again offer this comforting and informative<br />

magazine, and we thank them profusely.<br />

I am sure that all of you receiving this magazine will benefit<br />

greatly from this work of heart.<br />

I am thrilled to once again write the A TIME Timeline.<br />

I can hardly believe that A TIME has hit its nineteenth<br />

year! It was only yesterday that the dream of an organization<br />

to help couples struggling with IF was only that, A<br />

Dream. Baruch Hashem, nineteen years later, we have become<br />

a world renowned resource for anything related to<br />

fertility.<br />

We know and feel that Hashem has been with us every<br />

step of the way.<br />

Baruch Hashem, in these nineteen years, fertility has<br />

come out of the closet and we have been zoche to see many<br />

walls come down.<br />

The A TIME Helpline, established in 1993 by Doctor Neil<br />

Goldberg and Mrs. Esty Zafir, is run by our very esteemed<br />

Rebbetzin Mindy Landau and assisted by Mrs. Vivienne<br />

Moskowitz, Rabbi Chaim Aron Ungar, and Rabbi<br />

Mordechai Koenig along with many devoted volunteers.<br />

The helpline offers referrals and guidance for any type of<br />

reproductive and gynecological issue.<br />

Over the years our medical experts have established<br />

great relationships with leading physicians and are able to<br />

assist in the most efficient manner. All the medical experts<br />

on the helpline, train...train and train. They are always exploring<br />

the newest options. They visit centers, attend medical<br />

presentations, and constantly talk to the physicians.<br />

Having experienced infertility themselves, their passion<br />

to help is really felt. Private consultations are available in<br />

our offices by appointments.<br />

A TIME helpline: (718) 437-7110<br />

helpline@atime.org<br />

Private consultations (718) 686-8912 or email<br />

admin@atime.org.<br />

Every day Mashgichim and Mashgichos are dispatched<br />

to do Hashgacha for medical procedures in world<br />

renowned laboratories. Access to these prestigious labaratories<br />

is a great accomplishment.<br />

Baruch Hashem, now the sight of a mashgiach in the laboratory<br />

is normal. <strong>Our</strong> team of mashgichim are the most<br />

incredible, devoted group. With Rabbi Ausch, Rabbi Ungar,<br />

and Rabbi Koenig constantly overseeing the hashgacha program,<br />

we always are at the cutting edge of medicine and<br />

Halacha.<br />

Mrs. Devoiry Langsam coordinates this program with<br />

her excellent organizational skills and the most warm and<br />

wonderful personality.<br />

Supervision can be ordered by calling (212) 260-0790 or<br />

email supervision@atime.org.<br />

The Shabbos Near the Hospital Program, run with so<br />

much love by Mrs. Vivienne Moskowitz and Mrs. Chaya<br />

Kar, is Baruch Hashem an extremely established program.<br />

Along with the regular set-ups for Shabbos, they also<br />

arrange a courier service for blood pick up on Shabbos. I always<br />

say that no one goes <strong>into</strong> Shabbos with as many<br />

zechusim as them. Through the years they have established<br />

many host homes, meals, precious contacts, and more.<br />

To arrange for a Shabbos near the hospital or courier<br />

service call Vivienne (917) 783-9514 vivi@atime.org Chaya<br />

(718) 258-5002.<br />

Libraries were established by Mrs. Shaindy Blau in 1998.<br />

Shaindy’s love for books and knowledge is felt in all the locations.<br />

Call (718) 686-8912 or email library@atime.org.<br />

The Website, established by Mrs. Linda Franco in 1999,<br />

quickly became the new resource for support and information.<br />

Frequented by close to 8,000 people to date and run<br />

by a team of moderators from around the world, (Israel,<br />

England, and across the USA) the A TIME website has become<br />

the heartbeat of infertility. Just log on and let it take<br />

you....<br />


The A TIME Institute of Halacha and Technology, estab-<br />


• N<br />

• E<br />


7<br />

lished in 2005, quickly became the authority on Halacha<br />

and <strong>Infertility</strong>.<br />

Rabbonim in many communities have been trained by<br />

A TIME to become the best resource possible in Halacha<br />

and medicine.<br />

See the Rabbonim list on the inside cover.<br />

The Insurance Advocates were hired by A TIME in response<br />

to the incredible NY State Mandate. It took years<br />

of lobbying and demonstrations by A TIME for this to become<br />

a reality.<br />

Insurance companies in the state of New York have to<br />

cover fertility treatments up to IVF. A State Grant was established<br />

to help with IVF. Baruch Hashem, our advocates<br />

have saved couples thousands and thousands of dollars.<br />

For information about this program call (718) 686-8912 or<br />

(718) 437-7110 or helpline@atime.org.<br />

Mrs. Miriam Fishoff, our event planner, gets amazing<br />

events going around the world. From her desk in the main<br />

A TIME office, things happen all over. While she is working<br />

on really big events like the Shabbaton and the National<br />

Medical Conference she is still arranging doctors to speak<br />

in different locations, approving ads, working on phone<br />

support, ordering little gifts, posters, and arranging set-ups<br />

for yet another event. What is truly amazing about Miriam<br />

is how easy she makes it seem; so incredibly organized with<br />

such flair, things just seem to happen with Miriam.<br />

Phone Support established by Doctor Sara Barris has become<br />

the new way to join a support group from the privacy<br />

of your home. We have women joining from around the<br />

world.<br />

Get the schedule and try it. It can truly be life-altering.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> group leaders are from Boro Park, Flatbush, Lakewood,<br />

Bnei Brak, Queens, Bayswater, Kensington and even Atlanta<br />

Georgia. For a complete schedule or information call (718)<br />

686-8912 extension 205 e-mail: events@atime.org<br />

You can also text follow atimeevents to 40404 to get<br />

tweets about our future events.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> Pregnancy Loss Support Program established in<br />

2001 by Mrs. Malkie Klaristenfeld is now a worldwide, wellrecognized<br />

resource for this difficult nisayon.<br />

Thanks to Mrs. Rochel Leah Grossman, and to our incredible<br />

staff, many locations around the world, as well as<br />

hospitals and birthing centers are supplied with loss packets<br />

that are usually delivered by hand the very same day.<br />

This is followed by continued support.<br />

If requested, Chevra Kadisha is arranged by our amazing<br />

team. The grief program is run so expertly by Rabbi Y. D.<br />

Klar and Mrs. Malkie Klaristenfeld.<br />

Volunteers are trained to be present when tragedy occurs<br />

and can help make informed and healing decisions<br />

when needed. Many a night has our volunteers pacing hospital<br />

floors in anticipation of these difficult births.<br />

Medical decisions and quick securing of appointments<br />

to leading specialists are arranged if necessary. No one<br />

going through this challenge has to do this alone.<br />

To reach our pregnancy loss support department or<br />

order a packet call (718) 686-8912 during business hours<br />

and after hours (917) 627-5528 or email<br />

malkiek@atime.org.<br />

To order a packet email pregpacket@atime.org.<br />

A TIME ISRAEL, A TIME UK, A TIME Mid Atlantic, A<br />

TIME Monsey, and A TIME Crown Heights soon joined the<br />

A TIME family and wonderful people run all these<br />

branches.<br />

Hundreds of volunteers run programs around the world<br />

and Baruch Hashem the A TIME family continues to grow<br />

as we celebrate more and more simchas.<br />

All of us in A TIME have one mission in mind: to help<br />

make this journey a quicker and easier one for all of you.<br />

Every program and service we offer (and I didn’t list them<br />

all) was established to help make your dream a reality.<br />

All of us that live this nisayon become a future resource<br />

for another couple and I always say that we are the soldiers<br />

for this cause. Get involved; make a difference... become an<br />

A TIME volunteer and march with us as we hope to be<br />

zoche to be marching with joy at your simchas.<br />

Here for you,<br />

Brany Rosen<br />

Director of Member Services

Cross the Globe<br />

Greetings<br />

from Rainy Yerushalayim!<br />


We are Baruch Hashem experiencing a wet winter<br />

here in Eretz Yisroel... May the shefa of bracha continue<br />

and spread.<br />

Miriam Lieberman recently visited Eretz Yisroel and hosted an<br />

evening for ATIME members - what a wondrous opportunity to<br />

meet the staff, volunteers, and otherwise "famous people" of ATIME-<br />

NY. Thank you Miriam!!<br />

<strong>Our</strong> new telephone support groups are wildly successful, and<br />

with Joy Ehrman we can now enjoy them from Israel and Europe,<br />

too! The first Sunday of every month is reserved for our<br />

teleconferences with Joy, and they're so popular. If you haven't yet<br />

joined a call, please be in touch with us for the schedule, call-in<br />

number, and codes. You'll be happy you did!<br />

Tele-meetings for SIF - specifically for women raising an "only<br />

child" - have just been initiated. The ability to connect with women<br />

around the country, whom you can truly relate to, from the comfort<br />

of your own home, is so empowering. Thank you Dvarya!<br />

Pregnancy Loss packets are available here in Eretz Yisroel, either<br />

by drop-off (some locations) or mail. Homemade chocolates are a<br />

touch that only living in a "small" community as ours can provide.<br />

If you or someone you know is in need of a packet, don't hesitate to<br />

call. Rivka will have one out to you in no time, with confidentiality<br />

assured.<br />

ATIME Israel's library has branched out in Ezras Torah-Bar Ilan,<br />

and we have new and updated books and tapes on the way. Drop<br />

by sometime!<br />

The helpline and "office" can be reached at Israel@atime.org or<br />

052 377 0444. We're here for you; no question is too small. Be in<br />

touch if we can help in any way.<br />

'Til next time,<br />

Chanie<br />



9<br />

British<br />

Branching<br />

Thank you to all the wonderful and caring people who<br />

have made this special magazine a reality! It was sorely<br />

missed by all and we sure hope its back here now to stay!!<br />

A TIME UK are excited to inform you that we are<br />

preparing our ‘Third Annual Shabbaton’ for primary couples,<br />

which will אי"ה take place in January. Look out for<br />

further details. We welcome couples from all over the<br />

world!<br />

<strong>Our</strong> השגחה program is ב''ה up and running smoothly<br />

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Chizuk<br />

Light<br />

Up the<br />

Night<br />

The Message<br />

of the Menorah<br />

By Yeshaya Rubin<br />


Wake up in the dark of night, and you will crave<br />

to turn back under your covers. Awakening to<br />

sunshine, in contrast, makes you desire to jump out of bed.<br />

Darkness is synonymous with negativity, gloom, and<br />

despair. Light radiates positivity, happiness, and hope and<br />

is full of pulsating life. We definitely want to place ourselves<br />

on the right side of the equation and see the light. Yet, for<br />

some of us out there, there are matters beyond our control<br />

which seem to powerfully propel us to the darkness of the<br />

night. How we wish to just be like everyone else going<br />

through the system, enjoying the sunshine. Are we then to<br />

be confined to the dark clouds until those matters take a<br />

turn for the better?<br />

Obviously, in Hashem’s master creation, employing free<br />

will as a major component, we have the power to light up,<br />

overcoming the nisyonos He sends our way. There is a<br />

shining light accessible to all of us, which we can cling to<br />

as our lifeline and battle the darkness threatening to<br />

envelop us. Amidst this darkness, we have the option to<br />

delve a little deeper and see the bright light gleaming<br />

through.<br />



11<br />

Chanukah, as chazal have told us, is the festival of lights.<br />

It is only appropriate that we reflect on the message of this<br />

holy yom tov and map out a battle plan accordingly,<br />

drawing inspiration from the numerous lessons of the yom<br />

tov on how to dispel the darkness and brighten up the<br />

night.<br />

Summarizing the observation of this yom tov<br />

immediately strikes us with a thought-provoking reflection.<br />

We know that the focal point of this yom tov is the lighting<br />

of the menorah, which chazal instituted to celebrate the<br />

great miracle of the oil which supernaturally burned for<br />

eight days, even as it seemed that it was only sufficient for<br />

one day. But this leaves us to stop and ponder; what about<br />

all the other miracles? They are not commemorated with<br />

any action whatsoever. Even if we can comprehend the fact<br />

that we don’t fuss over physical salvation, there is still a<br />

major spiritual victory which we could mention. 1 We were<br />

saved from the evil decrees of the Greek regime, who was<br />

persistent in its actions to undermine Judaism and<br />

ultimately forcefully assimilate the <strong>Jewish</strong> people <strong>into</strong><br />

general society, thereby wiping out the core of the Jew.<br />

Three central and fundamental pillars of Judaism were<br />

outlawed; the observance of the holy Shabbos, whose<br />

safeguarding is akin to keeping the whole Torah, 2 Rosh<br />

Chodesh, which is the very first mitzvah we were<br />

commanded with, and milah, which is a seal of G-dliness<br />

in an otherwise physical body.<br />

Through the abundant mercy of our Father in heaven,<br />

in His wondrous ways, He delivered our enemies <strong>into</strong> our<br />

hands. We overcame them physically and defeated their<br />

hideous plans, thus allowing us to continue the existence<br />

of our nation as a <strong>Jewish</strong> people, which by definition means<br />

His chosen nation who clings to His Torah. This in itself is<br />

worthy of mention. If, as we see, we commemorate the<br />

great miracle which gave us the ability to perform the one<br />

single mitzvah of menorah in its entirety, then, all the more<br />

so, shouldn’t our miraculous salvation which enabled us to<br />

preserve our core essence be an even greater focus of our<br />

It is only appropriate that we<br />

reflect on the message of this<br />

holy yom tov and map out a<br />

battle plan accordingly, drawing<br />

inspiration from the numerous<br />

lessons of the yom tov<br />

on how to dispel the darkness<br />

and brighten up the night.<br />

celebrations? Why don’t we see anything along these lines?<br />

In order to offer a sufficient explanation, it is necessary<br />

to delve <strong>into</strong> the core of the term darkness, which is<br />

constantly used in an analogical sense. It can be defined as<br />

three main categories when used to describe an<br />

unfortunate negative experience.<br />

Ignorance: One who isn’t aware of knowledge and<br />

intelligence is likened to a fool who gropes in the dark.<br />

Included in this category is the person who lets himself be<br />

overtaken by his physical lusts and desires; he chooses to<br />

stay in the dark and not see the light. These people are<br />

alluded to by Dovid HaMelech in tehillim as people who sit<br />

in the dark… for they have disobeyed the will of G-d. 3<br />

Shlomo HaMelech spells it out clearly in Koheles; the<br />

advantage of wisdom as opposed to foolishness is akin to<br />

the advantage of light over dark. 4<br />

Troubles and tribulations: The difficulties and sufferings<br />

which befall us over the course of our lives constitute<br />

darkness, being that someone who is amidst them sees his<br />

world darken before his eyes. 5 For this reason, our world,<br />

and especially when we are in exile amongst the nations, is<br />

referred to as night, awaiting the dawn of redemption. 6<br />

Death: This is the ultimate darkness, the soul’s passing<br />

on from this world being referred to as sunset, with birth<br />

being sunrise. 7<br />

We, as mortals, can relate to all of the above in close

Chizuk<br />

He has created this world for the sole purpose of bestowing<br />

good upon His creations and is sorely distressed that we are<br />

painfully fumbling in the dark.<br />


association, each on his or her level with different variations<br />

and shades of darkness. Especially we, who yearn for the<br />

morning sunlight, for that shining face to start our day and<br />

brighten up the night; we, who wait oh so long for those<br />

cherubic faces to dispel and conquer the darkness that<br />

threatens to envelop us in its all-encompassing nature.<br />

But for all that the darkness means to us, we need to<br />

take stock and focus on the source of our pain. Hashem is<br />

filled with compassion and certainly does not will any bad<br />

for us. On the contrary, He has created this world for the<br />

sole purpose of bestowing good upon His creations 8 and is<br />

sorely distressed that we are painfully fumbling in the dark.<br />

He, for His part, wishes to grant us knowledge and<br />

intelligence and lead worry-free, infinite lives; only through<br />

our misdeeds throughout the ages have we caused the<br />

darkness of days, turning them <strong>into</strong> nights. Accordingly, He<br />

is the only source we can turn to in order to reverse the<br />

situation.<br />

The ultimate antithesis of the darkness would be a<br />

brilliant light, the likes which would symbolize an<br />

everlasting day. The definitive source of this light is our holy<br />

Torah, which is referred to as the Torah of light. 9 With our<br />

adherence to the Torah we are assured of knowledge and<br />

wisdom, freedom from troubles, 10 and infinite life. 11 All<br />

through the generations we have survived solely on the<br />

basis of maintaining our status as guardians of the Torah,<br />

which serves as our light, leading the way whilst providing<br />

us with life and sustenance.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> enemies throughout history have utilized this fact<br />

against us. When waging war upon us they immediately<br />

pounced upon our Torah observance, seeking to set up<br />

hardships and stumbling blocks so that we loosen our grip<br />

on the Torah. The Romans went as far as outright banning<br />

Torah study, forcefully trying to detach us from the source<br />

of life. On the other hand, the Greeks realized that they<br />

could never eliminate our connection with the Torah by<br />

force, so they came up with cunning notions in order to<br />

gradually wane us from our Torah observance.<br />

By abolishing the holy mitzvah of milah, they attempted<br />

to force the Jews to break the first and foremost<br />

prerequisite to learning Torah. The Torah will only reside<br />

within someone who has been circumcised and previously<br />

allowed spirituality to make an everlasting impression upon<br />

his body. 12 Furthermore, with the breakdown of Shabbos<br />

and Rosh Chodesh, the Jews would be deprived of another<br />

vital component required to facilitate the study of Torah,<br />

being that Shabbos 13 and the festivals 14 were instituted to<br />

provide a setting which is conducive to learning Torah.<br />

With these principles absent, the Greeks would be well on<br />

course to view a total abandonment of the Torah,<br />

ultimately resulting in reaching their goal of annihilating<br />

the <strong>Jewish</strong> people. Appropriately, the Greek exile is referred<br />

to by chazal as darkness, 15 considering their vigorous efforts<br />

to extinguish our light.<br />

Now we can clearly see that the lights we kindle on<br />

Chanukah are not only to salute the fact that we merited<br />

to perform the mitzvah of menorah, but are essentially a<br />

display of the glorious light which has persevered along<br />

with us throughout the ages – the holy Torah, even during<br />


51(ujal g"p ,vuo zu hui )pxhe,t rc,h prav k"d(/ 61(euc"v turhh,t uhartk js )zuv"e napyho ef"s(/ 71(tk ,anjh tuhc,h<br />

kh fh bpk,h en,h fh tac cjal vw tur kh )nhfv z:j(/ 81(zrg eusa pw je, s"v gus cnsra/ ha, jal x,ru ),vhkho h"j:h"c(<br />

chnhbv )nakh d:y"z( bu,b, jhho kguahv )tcu, u:z(/ 21(kt gav fi kfk duh unapyho ck hsguo ),vhkho en"z:f( ufi thw cngav<br />

sgehkx vdr/ 31( kt bh,bu ac,u, tkt kgxue c,urv )hruaknh ac, py"u v"d(/ 41(kt thcrt xhvrt tkt kdhrxt )ghruchi xv/(/<br />

cfnv xprh esuah gkhui atnru afuub, fk vcrhtv vbv vhv fsh kvhyhc kcrhu,)xpr agrh vkao jke t xhni t p"t(/9(br nmuv<br />

u,urv tur )nakh u:f"d(/ 01( fk vneck gkhu guk ,urv ngchrhi nnbu guk nkfu, uguk s"t )tcu, d:v( 11(,ur, jhho’ turl hnho<br />

fh,rui vtur ni vjal )evk, c:h"d(/ 5(guko jal cgsu )cbvsrhi fc/( guv"z sunv kkhkv/ 6(eunh turh fh ct turl )haghv x:t(/ 7(<br />

ujal g"p ,vuo zu nh,v )anu"r p"c p"s( gs tar kt ,jal vana )evk, h"c:c(/ 8(jp. jxs vut )nhfv z:h"j( uzvu nv abnmt<br />

neuru,:1(chbv kg,ho j"t srua t khnh jbufv ug"a hxus scrhbu/ 2(anhr, ac, aeuk fbds fk v,urv fukv )anu"r fv:h"c(/ 3(<br />

uragho cjal hsnu )a"t c:h"y( huach jal umknu, ufuw fh vnru tnrh t-k ),vhkho e"z:h – h"t(/ 4( ha h,rui kjfnv ni vxfku,<br />

When waging war upon us they immediately pounced upon<br />

our Torah observance, seeking to set up hardships and stumbling<br />

blocks so that we loosen our grip on the Torah.<br />


13<br />

the most trying of times. No matter how our enemies have<br />

tried to darken our days, we have overcome them and<br />

brightened up the night. By kindling the light we are<br />

celebrating the very essence of our nation, our clinging to<br />

the eternal source of light which will shine forever.<br />

As we sit and linger by the lights, let us try and<br />

internalize their message. All through periods of darkness<br />

and pain, we have constantly let the light of the Torah<br />

shine through. We are all connected to the Torah and its<br />

deliverer, being that Hashem, His Torah and His people are<br />

bonded as one unit. 16 Therefore, we can all bask in His<br />

sunshine and relate to the bright light shining out there.<br />

The navi so aptly tells us: 17 “As I sit in darkness Hashem is<br />

my light.” Furthermore, the seforim 18 have revealed to us<br />

an even deeper concept and have taken this a step higher,<br />

stating that darkness is in reality an elevated light so bright<br />

that it is blinding, therefore it is obscured and appears to<br />

us as darkness. It is this lofty level that is referred to in<br />

tehillim as being Hashem’s choice of residence.<br />

So, as we trek through the strenuous trail of life with<br />

its multitude of trials, let us concentrate on the fact that<br />

we are the beloved children of the Almighty Father in<br />

heaven and have the privilege of basking in His glow.<br />

Whilst sitting across the polished desk of the somberfaced<br />

physician, hearing him say, “I’m sorry to inform you<br />

but…” close your eyes and contemplate the message of<br />

the lights. Delve through the darkness and see who we<br />

are, what we are, and who our Father is – and open your<br />

eyes to a brand new world, full of bright sunshine<br />

wrapping you in its light.<br />

“<br />

It’s at the darkest time of night that<br />

dawn is just a wisp away.

Chizuk<br />

The Tea Cup<br />


There was a couple who went to England and shopped<br />

in a beautiful antique store. This trip was to celebrate<br />

their 25 th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques<br />

and pottery, especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional<br />

cup, they asked, “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cup<br />

quite this beautiful.”<br />

The lady handed it to them, and suddenly the teacup<br />

spoke. “You don’t understand,” it said. “I have not always<br />

been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of<br />

red clay. My master took me; he rolled me, pounded me,<br />

and then patted me, until I thought I was going to pass out<br />

from the treatment. ‘Please! Leave go of me,’ I begged.<br />

He only smiled and gently said ‘Not yet!’ Then, WHAM!<br />

I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun<br />

around and around and around.<br />

‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick!’ I<br />

screamed.<br />

But the master nodded quietly and said ‘Not yet.’ He<br />

spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of<br />

shape to suit himself and then… Then he put me <strong>into</strong> the<br />

oven. I had never felt such heat before. I yelled and knocked<br />

and pounded at the door.<br />


’ He spun me and poked and prodded and<br />

bent me out of shape to suit himself and then…<br />

Then he put me <strong>into</strong> the oven.<br />


15<br />

‘Help! Get me out of here!’ I could see him through the<br />

opening and I read his lips as he shook his head from side<br />

to side. ‘Not yet.’<br />

When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the<br />

door opened. He carefully took me out and put me onto a<br />

shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! ‘Ah, this is<br />

much better,’ I thought.<br />

But, after I cooled, he picked me up and he brushed and<br />

painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I<br />

would gag. ‘Oh, please! Stop it, Stop it!!’ I cried.<br />

He only shook his head and said, ‘Not yet.’<br />

Then, suddenly he put me back <strong>into</strong> the oven. Only it<br />

was not like the first one. This was twice as hot! I knew I<br />

would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I<br />

was convinced I would never make it out of there whole. I<br />

was ready to give up. Just then the door opened, and my<br />

master took me out and again placed me on the shelf,<br />

where I cooled and waited and waited, wondering, ‘What’s<br />

he going to do to me next?’<br />

An hour later he handed me a mirror and said, ‘Look at<br />

yourself!’ And I did.<br />

I said, ‘That’s not me! That can’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m<br />

beautiful!’<br />

Quietly he spoke. ‘I want you to remember,’ he said. ‘I<br />

know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had<br />

I just left you alone, you would have dried up. I know it<br />

made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had<br />

stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it<br />

was hot and unbearable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you<br />

there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad<br />

when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t<br />

done that, you would never have hardened. You would not<br />

have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in<br />

the second oven you wouldn’t have survived for long, because<br />

the hardness would not have held. Now you are a<br />

beautiful finished product. Now you are what I had in mind<br />

when I first began to work with you.’”<br />

•••<br />

We are clay in the Hands of Hashem, our Master Potter.<br />

Hashem knows what He’s doing for each of us. He molds<br />

us so lovingly, exposing us to just the right amount of pressure<br />

of the right kind, so that we become a flawless and<br />

beautiful piece of art according to His will.<br />

So, when life seems hard, and you are being pounded<br />

and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance, when<br />

your world seems to be spinning out of control, when you<br />

feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials, try this…<br />

Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup.<br />

Sit down and think of this story and then, have a little talk<br />

with the Potter.<br />

“People are like teabags; you only<br />

get to see their strength when they<br />

are in hot water.

Chizuk<br />

Eight Ways<br />

to Banish the Darkness<br />


At the darkest time of the year, when the daylight<br />

hours are at their shortest and the cold has set in;<br />

as the moon becomes smaller and smaller until it finally<br />

disappears, we go out at night and light our menorahs.<br />

According to custom, we also light our menorahs in a<br />

low place (under 3 feet). One starts to see a pattern<br />

emerging, a confluence of darkness in both time and<br />

space. It is <strong>into</strong> this place, at this time, that we bring<br />

light.<br />

In all of our lives we have times and places where the<br />

darkness seems to gather. We all experience days when<br />

we see no let-up in our struggles, we hear bad news, bear<br />

disappointments, or are going through an especially<br />

frustrating time.<br />

Chanukah teaches us powerful tools for bringing<br />

some light <strong>into</strong> the darkness.<br />

1. Teva versus Nes:<br />

A famous question is asked: Why do we celebrate the<br />

nes of the burning oil for 8 days? Since there was enough<br />

oil to burn for one day, the first day wasn’t a miracle at<br />

all, it was natural! Chanukah should thus be celebrated<br />

only seven days.<br />

Not so. The fact that oil has the ability to burn is a<br />

miracle in itself! In reality, Hashem’s Hand is behind<br />

everything that happens. “Natural” means that we have<br />

become accustomed to expect that this is the way<br />

things should be. We can bring more light <strong>into</strong> our lives<br />

by appreciating the miraculous nature of the world around<br />

us, and cultivate gratefulness for things we take for granted.<br />

2. Yevanim versus Torah/Sources of Light:<br />

Greek philosophy praises aesthetics and appearances. A<br />

person’s “light” comes from one’s appearance to the world.<br />

It’s the externals that matter.<br />

The Torah compares Yidden to oil. That which is extracted<br />

from the inside is the source of light. The Yevanim<br />

were the only conquerors of Eretz Yisroel who did not destroy<br />

the structure of the Bais Hamikdosh. Instead they defiled<br />

all of the vessels inside. Their message? The inside<br />

could be impure and rotten to the core; it’s the outside appearance<br />

that matters.<br />

The Torah’s message is not to be fooled by appearances.<br />

We miss out on many wonderful opportunities and don’t<br />


stands in illumination as the center of attention. The moment<br />

that he passes it on to someone else, he stands in<br />

darkness on the sideline.<br />

This stands in sharp contrast to the Torah concept that<br />

every person has inherent value and a unique contribution<br />

to make. The light of the Chanukah candles is additive.<br />

When one candle lights another, its own light is not diminished<br />

in any way. Actually, the candle’s ability to provide<br />

light is increased due to its cooperation with its mate.<br />

When we find our unique light and share it with the world,<br />

everyone wins.<br />


17<br />

4. Humility and Self Confidence:<br />

When we find ourselves in a low place, we are faced with<br />

a choice: beat ourselves up for it, or get up determined to<br />

try to do better. Traditionally the menorah is lit below three<br />

feet, but above one foot. We sometimes find ourselves in<br />

low places. We can either bring light <strong>into</strong> that place and<br />

move upward, or drag ourselves down deeper and beat<br />

ourselves up for it. Go for the light!<br />

get to know many great people because we dismiss them<br />

based on a superficial impression.<br />

Whenever we are facing trying times, and have feelings<br />

of inferiority that maybe we do not “match up” to what the<br />

external world expects of society, let us cling to this message,<br />

and take care to see to it that our internals are a<br />

source of pride to Hashem, for that is truly what counts.<br />

3. Competitive Versus Cooperative:<br />

In the Olympics, the winner receives the glory, and<br />

everyone else will end up being a loser. The concept of the<br />

Olympics, introduced to the world by the Yevanim, is of<br />

one man’s battle to be the best in relation to everyone else.<br />

If he makes it to the finish line, he goes down in history. If<br />

not, it was all for nothing. The Olympic torch is passed<br />

from one person to the next. When holding the torch, one<br />

5. The Same Height<br />

According to tradition, the eight lights of the menorah<br />

should be the same height. We all have our unique roles<br />

and light to shine <strong>into</strong> this world. It is very easy to look at<br />

one person’s role as being more important than another’s.<br />

When a little gasket in your car starts leaking, it can totally<br />

incapacitate your vehicle. This little piece may not be as<br />

glorious as the engine, but it is no less important to the operation<br />

of the vehicle. We may not all have high profile roles<br />

to fulfill in this world, but each and every one of us is<br />

unique and the world needs our unique light!<br />

6. Rosh Chodesh:<br />

One of the three decrees of the Yevanim was to forbid<br />

the Yidden from sanctifying the new moon each month.<br />

The lunar cycle is the monthly sign of renewal. There are<br />

times when the moon is full and the nights seem bright.<br />

There are other times when the moon is absent and the<br />

darkness of night is very deep. One of the ways that people<br />

We all experience days when we see no let-up in our struggles,<br />

we hear bad news, bear disappointments, or are going through<br />

an especially frustrating time.

Chizuk<br />

We can either bring light <strong>into</strong> that place and move upward,<br />

or drag ourselves down deeper and beat ourselves up for it.<br />

Go for the light!<br />

fall <strong>into</strong> despair is to lose hope when they find themselves<br />

in darkness. “It will always be like this”, we say to ourselves.<br />

“It will never get better.”<br />

We all go through ups and downs. We are commanded<br />

to recite kiddush levana when it first appears right after disappearing<br />

completely. What a wonderful message of faith<br />

to remember: that even when it appears dark and all seems<br />

to be forsaken, the light will come back again. Hang in<br />

there.<br />

7. Bris Milah:<br />

Bris Milah was another fundamental mitzvah prohibited<br />

by the Yevanim. Greek philosophy holds nature to be<br />

not only unchangeable, but the ideal form. The Torah associates<br />

the number seven with nature. Bris Milah, which<br />

is commanded to be performed on the 8th day, is representative<br />

of a Yid’s mission to take the nature that they<br />

were given in the world, and go beyond it to actively shape<br />

it for the better. We may come <strong>into</strong> the world with tendencies<br />

to be pessimistic, angry, impulsive, indulgent, lazy, or<br />

any of myriad “natures” that people have. Do we take the<br />

Greek approach and nurture our natures, or do we take the<br />

Torah approach and form our natures to nurture us?<br />

8. If the nes that we celebrate during Chanukah is the<br />

re-dedication of the Bais Hamikdosh and the lighting of the<br />

menorah, why do we always recount the story of the military<br />

victory of the Chashmonaim over the Yevanim? While<br />

it is true that the goal of the Chanukah story was realized<br />

in the re-dedication of the Bais Hamikdosh, there was a long<br />

and arduous battle to get there. A small band of Yidden<br />

battled against impossible odds in order to realize this goal.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> journeys seem impossible at times. The road is long<br />

and exhausting. By learning the story of the military victory<br />

of Chanukah, we gain hope that against all odds, over long<br />

periods of time, with Hashem’s help, one can come to<br />

achieve their goals.<br />

These days there is plenty of darkness in the world. May<br />

we all merit taking the messages of Chanukah <strong>into</strong> our lives<br />

and bring more light <strong>into</strong> the world.<br />

Reprinted with permission from Aish.com<br />


18<br />

“Hashem didn’t promise days without<br />

pain, laughter without sorrow,<br />

sun without rain, but He did promise<br />

strength for the day, comfort for the<br />

tears, and light for the way.

Unsuccessful IVF Cycle<br />

Sara Barris<br />

Tuesdays, 9:00-10:00 p.m.<br />

November 1<br />

December 6<br />

January 3<br />

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Chizuk<br />

Snow in the Fall<br />

Devora Hollander<br />


Disregarding the calendar, paying no heed to the<br />

boots and snow paraphernalia still neatly stored<br />

in the attic and the shovels hidden in the farthest corner<br />

of the garage, the snowflakes attacked earth. They<br />

weren’t of the typical early winter make, apologetic and<br />

helpless, that melt before they have a chance to touch<br />

upon the ground; they were snowflakes straight out of<br />

January, and they were quick to make their presence<br />

known.<br />

I stood looking out my window on Shabbos Rosh<br />

Chodesh Cheshvon and watched the street as I knew it<br />

slowly disappear under a cloak of white. Minute by<br />

minute, flake by flake, the accumulation grew until we<br />

found ourselves in the midst of a serious winter blizzard.<br />

Only it was not winter yet.<br />

While most of humanity took to staying indoors and<br />

experienced the enchanting scene from the warm confines<br />

of their homes, I wrapped up for the snow, convinced<br />

my husband to do the same, and set out to<br />

explore the world so suddenly turned white. The wind<br />

whipped mercilessly and the cold bit at our extremities,<br />

unaccustomed as of yet to its penetrating nature.<br />


How many times do I beg Hashem, do I ask Him so<br />

beseechingly that He grant me that which I yearn for<br />

so deeply, a child of my own?<br />


21<br />

But the scene! It was surreal. It enchanted us in the<br />

manner that only snow could, washing over our existence<br />

in waves of peacefulness and awe. There’s nothing quite<br />

like the serenity and beauty of untouched layers of pure,<br />

white snow. And this snow still had an added touch of<br />

magic, as the trees, still full of leaves, were bowing lower<br />

and lower to the ground as the snow kept falling.<br />

The repercussions were not long in coming. As soon<br />

as we bade Shabbos good-bye, the news started trickling<br />

in. Unable to bear the weight of the snow, many trees had<br />

fallen over the course of the day, causing much damage<br />

in many regions in the North-Eastern US. Power outages<br />

were declared on street after street as trees kept falling<br />

upon electric wires.<br />

While I, personally, was spared, many of my family<br />

members and friends found themselves living the lives<br />

their forefathers had 100 years ago, minus fireplaces or<br />

the resources to keep their homes livable. Many of them<br />

moved in with family and friends, resignedly leaving the<br />

Shabbos dishes in the sink to tackle at a time when technology<br />

showed its face once again, while others stayed<br />

put, huddled beneath blankets as they tried to survive in<br />

their cold and dark homes.<br />

Many days later, there were still people without<br />

power. Small businesses, forced to remain closed until<br />

power was restored, are expected to suffer the effects of<br />

the loss of income over the winter. Elderly people, who<br />

had spent the better part of the week without heating,<br />

were left weaker than before.<br />

What had gone wrong? What had made this snow all<br />

that much more damaging than another one?<br />

The problem was the time factor: the snow had come<br />

before its right time. It had made its appearance when<br />

the world was unready for its arrival. There is a process<br />

of nature that Hashem had put <strong>into</strong> this world. Comes<br />

fall, the leaves dry up and fall from the trees, so that<br />

throughout the winter, the trees remain upright and do<br />

not wreak the damage that this fall snow has.<br />

•••<br />

I have a beautiful dream that lives inside me, a wish<br />

that is so strong, I can almost envision it. How many<br />

times do I beg Hashem, do I ask Him so beseechingly that<br />

He grant me that which I yearn for so deeply, a child of<br />

my own? How many prayers have been dedicated to this<br />

cause? There’s urgency to my plea. Hashem, I have waited<br />

so long. Please, Tatteh, I don’t want to wait any longer.<br />

But thinking back at the snow, at the millions of<br />

homes without electricity, I remember. There is a time<br />

for everything. Waiting is not a waste of time. There is<br />

such beauty to a thing in its right time; beauty, without<br />

repercussions.<br />

If I am still waiting, it doesn’t mean that I have been<br />

forgotten; on the contrary, I am being prepared. There is<br />

a cheshbon here which I will yet come to appreciate. In<br />

fact, I appreciate it already.<br />

“A truly happy person is one who<br />

can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Chizuk<br />

By Y. Roitenbarg<br />

Hazorim Bedimoh<br />

Berinoh Yiktzoru<br />


Asuccessful businessman was growing old and<br />

knew it was time to choose a successor to take<br />

over his business. Instead of appointing one of his directors<br />

or his children, he decided to do something different.<br />

He gathered the young executives in his company. He<br />

said, “It is time for me to step down and choose the next<br />

CEO. I have decided to choose one of you.”<br />

The executives were shocked. The boss continued, “I am<br />

going to give each one of you a seed today, one special seed.<br />

I want you to plant it, water it, and then come back one<br />

year from today with what you have grown from the seed<br />

I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring,<br />

and the one I choose will be the next CEO.”<br />

One man, Jim, went home and excitedly told his wife<br />

the story. She took a pot and soil and helped him to plant<br />

the seed. Every day he would water it and watch to see if it<br />

had grown. After a few weeks, the executives began to talk<br />

about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to<br />

grow. Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.<br />

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, but still<br />

nothing grew. By now, others were talking about their<br />

plants, but Jim didn’t have a plant and he felt like a failure.<br />

Six months went by, but nothing happened. Jim knew he<br />

had killed his seed. Everyone had plants and trees. He had<br />



23<br />

Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, but still<br />

nothing grew<br />

nothing. Jim didn’t say anything to his colleagues, however.<br />

He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil. He so wanted<br />

the seed to grow.<br />

A year went by and all the executives brought their<br />

plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he<br />

was not going; he was too embarrassed to take along an<br />

empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what had<br />

happened, or rather, about what had not happened!<br />

Jim felt sick to his stomach. It was going to be the most<br />

embarrassing moment in his life.<br />

But, he knew his wife was right, so he took his empty<br />

pot to the boardroom. When Jim arrived, he was amazed<br />

at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They<br />

were beautiful, in all shapes, colors, and sizes. Jim put his<br />

empty pot on the floor, and many of his colleagues smirked<br />

and laughed. A few felt sorry for him and looked at him<br />

pitifully!<br />

When the CEO arrived, he greeted his executives. Jim<br />

cowered away and tried to hide in the back. “My, what<br />

great plants, shrubs, and flowers you have all grown,” said<br />

the CEO. “Today one of you will be appointed the next<br />

CEO!”<br />

All of a sudden, the CEO saw Jim at the back of the room<br />

with his downcast look and his empty pot and ordered Jim<br />

to come forward. Jim was terrified. He thought, “The CEO<br />

knows I am failure! Possibly he will even have me fired!”<br />

When Jim came up to the front, the CEO announced,<br />

“Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!”<br />

Jim could not believe it, nor could any of the other executives.<br />

“Jim, the failure, who could not even grow his seed; how<br />

could this be? How could he be the new CEO?” the others<br />

asked.<br />

Then, the CEO said, “One year ago from today, I gave<br />

everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed,<br />

plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But, unbeknownst<br />

to you, I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead<br />

– it was not possible for them to grow.<br />

All of you, except Jim, have brought me fine trees, plants,<br />

and flowers. When you had realized that the seed would<br />

not grow, you had substituted another seed for the one I<br />

had given you. Jim was the only one with the courage, honesty,<br />

and integrity to bring me a pot with my seed in it.<br />

Therefore, he is now the one who will be the new CEO!”<br />

I love this article. I think there are so many fabulous and<br />

profound lessons to be gleaned from this fantastic piece! Here<br />

I have included just some of my thoughts in connection to<br />

our lives, this piece of writing, and Tu Beshevat.<br />

Y. Roitenbarg<br />

I think we are all here to grow in whichever way Hashem<br />

chooses for us to flourish. There is a well known blessing<br />

which is particularly poignant and compares the growth of<br />

mankind to the growth of trees:<br />

- she’kol שכל הנטיעות שנוטעים ממך יהיו כמותך<br />

hane’tios she’notim mimcho yiheyu kemoscho.<br />

Perhaps we can think of another deeper meaning for this<br />

blessing. We are Hashem‘s sapling; He lovingly waters us with<br />

all of our needs. We are His precious children, and He<br />

deserves to have nachas from us.<br />

Perhaps then, we can have in mind a different<br />

connotation for the word kemoscho.<br />

Kemoscho can mean: exactly like You Hashem want the<br />

fruits and plants to be; exactly and precisely like You Hashem<br />

want us to thrive and grow. We don’t have to grow in<br />

accordance to our preconceived ideas, but rather exactly as<br />

Hashem desires! If my pot is empty, if my seed won’t grow,<br />

perhaps that is Hashem‘s way of testing me.<br />

Hashem is not looking for a successor, but I know He

Chizuk<br />

In the World to Come, we will not be asked what grew from<br />

our seed or whether we reproduced, we will be asked, however,<br />

what we did with the seeds we were given and whether<br />

we were productive.<br />

wants success. He does not want my flowers; He only wants<br />

to see what I do with the seed. He is watching what I do and<br />

what I become with the tests and challenges in life. It is<br />

irrelevant what grows from the seed; all that really matters<br />

is my own growth and whether I succeed!<br />

I will keep on watering and fertilizing my precious seed.<br />

Hashem has a different measuring stick. He measures our<br />

success by כמותך kemoscho – whether we are growing <strong>into</strong><br />

exactly what He expects us to become and developing <strong>into</strong><br />

who He knows we can be.<br />

I think, I hope, and I believe that in a different garden in<br />

Gan Eden I might see some beautiful, sweet-scented flowers<br />

– all the ones that are growing from my boiled seed!<br />

In the World to Come, we will not be asked what grew<br />

from our seed or whether we reproduced, we will be asked,<br />

however, what we did with the seeds we were given and<br />

whether we were productive. There we will not be asked<br />

whether we were fertile, but we will be asked whether we<br />

lovingly watered and fertilized whatever seeds He gave us to<br />

plant. There we will not be asked whether we built future<br />

generations, nor will we have to present our saplings. There<br />

we will be proud of the beautiful relationship we have built<br />

with Hashem and that we are His saplings – ‘kemoscho’.<br />

I hope we all have a wonderful and fruitful Tu Be’Shevat,<br />

but more importantly, may we lead fulfilling and fruitful<br />

lives. May we all always be blessed with the stamina to keep<br />

on going and growing. Everything that grows needs water.<br />

When, at times, that water is our hot and salty tears, then<br />

let’s not forget that “Hazorim bedimah be’rinah yiktzoru”.<br />


24<br />

“Bloom where you are planted.

The Weeping<br />

Willow Tree<br />


25<br />

I’ve always been in awe<br />

Of the weeping willow tree<br />

Mesmerized by its droopy grace<br />

As it sways in the breeze<br />

But what inspires me the most<br />

Is how<br />

Even when put to the test<br />

Of harsh winds and torrential rains<br />

It remains<br />

In its constant humbled position<br />

Bowed in submission<br />

To the will of its Creator.<br />

And as the winds of life sway me<br />

This way and that<br />

I realize<br />

That there is a certain sense of peace<br />

In swaying and in weeping<br />

In being humbled and in pain<br />

All at the same time.<br />

Taken with permission from Binah Magazine. Copyright 20xx. All Rights Reserved. Binah Magazine<br />

“A siddur that<br />

is falling apart<br />

belongs to a<br />

person that is<br />


Chizuk<br />

E. Perl<br />

Gam Zu L’tova or<br />

Baruch Hashem?<br />


Atypical day at work; I wanted to check something<br />

on my cell phone calendar. I took my cell phone<br />

out of my pocket, and flipped it open, only to see a blank<br />

screen. I closed it and opened it again; still blank. I turned<br />

it off and then back on; nothing doing. I took the battery<br />

out, shook it, stared at it, but nothing helped; the screen<br />

remained blank! Only a half hour earlier I had used it with<br />

no problem at all and now it was dead! That meant another<br />

few hours until I would get home and swap it for a<br />

different phone and a few days until I would have my contacts<br />

retrieved. This spelled trouble! My calendar with all<br />

my appointments in it, my memos with the important<br />

things I must do, and all other information stored in its<br />

memory was lost. How on earth could I handle that?<br />

To understand how terrible this tragedy is, I need to<br />

explain my relationship with my cell phone. I call it my security<br />

blanket. It’s with me all the time. I use it not only to<br />

call my dear husband 10 times a day, my friend 20 times,<br />

and send out at least 1,000 texts a week. But whenever the<br />

situation gets awkward, I pull my little pink cell phone out<br />

and get really busy with it.<br />

I’ll give you an example. When this lady in the grocery<br />

was asking me, “Who is babysitting?” and “Which school<br />

do you send your kids to?” I pulled out my cell phone, read<br />

through a text that came in, and to that oh-so-smart-lady<br />

asking, I nodded my head with a smile, and answered,<br />

“Yeah…yeah.”<br />

At every simcha or family gathering, my cell phone<br />


plays a major role, too. At first, they are all very careful and<br />

try to make me feel comfortable. It usually goes like this:<br />

“Hi! How are you?”<br />

“Great.” (Grumpy! I’ve got bad results yesterday)<br />

“Sooo happy to see you! (Yeah! I’m sure you are thrilled!)<br />

Are you still working at ABC Corporation?”<br />

“Yes.” (Got no reason to stop working yet.)<br />

“How is it going there?”<br />

“Fine.” (I hate to talk about it. I’m happy I’m not there<br />

now, and you are not interested either.)<br />

“Is that young girl you once told me about still working<br />

with you?”<br />

“Not anymore.” (She left 2 months ago when she had<br />

her second baby.)<br />

After a few minutes the topic at the table rolls over to<br />

pregnancy, nursing, and babysitters. (Or by now it’s already<br />

about homework, tuition, and graduations.) That is when<br />

my dear, beloved cell phone comes in handy. With that allso-busy<br />

expression on my face I start texting to some old<br />

buddies the typical Hi! How are you? They wonder why I’m<br />

thinking of them all of the sudden. (Now, when you get<br />

that text from me, you’ll know why.) My phone starts<br />

buzzing with all the replies I receive, and I’m simply too<br />

busy to be part of their discussions. The problem arises<br />

when the wedding hall is 2 flights underground and there’s<br />

no reception there. A Yid gebt zich an eitza. I pretend it’s<br />

working, while asking Hashem to keep me out of trouble;<br />

that no one should decide to ask to use my cell phone.<br />

If you ask me, I don’t know how the previous generations<br />

survived infertility without this awesome invention.<br />

Now it went dead. But I’m a big girl, I thought to myself.<br />

I’ve been through many failures and losses and I will survive<br />

this hurdle, too. I will be brave and say Gam zu l’tova. I’ll accept<br />

it bravely.<br />

It was then when the following story came to mind.<br />

It had been just a few weeks earlier. I had been on the<br />

phone with my mother while peeling veggies, chatting<br />

about everything and anything. My mother is so good,<br />

never overstepping her boundaries, yet so kind and caring.<br />

As we were talking, she had repeated a conversation that<br />

she had had with my dear younger sister-in-law, a mother<br />

of two. For the story’s sake, let’s call her Malky.<br />

Malky had been exhausted that day. Her 6 month old<br />

Chana’la had been up the night before until 3:00 AM. When<br />

she had finally fallen asleep, 3 year old Moishy had woken<br />

To understand how terrible<br />

this tragedy is, I need to<br />

explain my relationship with<br />

my cell phone. I call it my<br />

security blanket. It’s with me<br />

all the time.<br />

up. He had wanted a drink, a story, a super snack, and whatever<br />

it takes not to have to go back to bed. It had been after<br />

5:00 AM when she had finally seen her bed.<br />

At first, she had been complaining how tough this is.<br />

She could barely function the next day. But then, she had<br />

said that she had decided to be good about accepting this<br />

‘challenge’ by saying Gam zu l’tova, it’s all for the best.<br />

My mother hadn’t agreed, having me, her poor daughter,<br />

in mind all the time. You see, I’m married for close to a<br />

decade without any kids yet. It pains my mother deeply<br />

standing at the side, watching all that I’m going through<br />

without being able to help. I’m one of the younger ones in<br />

my big, beautiful family. (They are all so fertile that it makes<br />

me think I’m adopted.) No matter how many einiklech she’ll<br />

have, it won’t lessen the pain about me.<br />

My mother had asked her, “Why Gam zu l’tova? Why<br />

not Baruch Hashem!? For your two healthy and adorable<br />

kids you have to care for! Though it is not always easy, that<br />

is still what we all want! So many people would gladly exchange<br />

places with you; those waiting for a child or those<br />

spending their nights in a hospital with a sick child. Instead<br />

of making peace with this ‘challenge’, acknowledge it as a<br />

bracha.”<br />

Malky had listened and agreed. (Wow that’s something!<br />

To agree to a mother-in-law’s musser?) And I, from my end,<br />

when hearing this story, had thought, Hmmm, very good.<br />

She should learn to appreciate a little more all that she has.<br />

All of the sudden, I felt foolish with this dead phone in<br />

my hands. I had felt like the biggest tzadaikos for not crying<br />

over a dead cell phone. My mother’s words echoed in my<br />

head: Why Gam zu l’tova? Why not Baruch Hashem!? I can<br />

afford a cell phone, Baruch Hashem! I have an extra one at<br />

home, Baruch Hashem, and will be able to activate it today,<br />

Baruch Hashem, and best of all this hadn’t happened just<br />

one day earlier.<br />

It had been only the day before this episode that I had<br />

finished working on a major project that I had been busy<br />

with for the past two months, getting more and more hectic<br />

as it came closer to the end. It had been a mere 24 hours<br />



Chizuk<br />

previously that I had been in charge of close to 50 people<br />

working on this, with me being the only one who had all<br />

the contacts and was instructing them on what to do. Losing<br />

my cell phone with my contacts would have meant that<br />

the entire project and two months of work would have gotten<br />

stranded at the very end. I don’t want to think of what<br />

could have happened, and Baruch Hashem, it hadn’t.<br />

It’s not only my sister-in-law, who seems to be more<br />

fortunate than me and needs to learn to say Baruch<br />

Hashem. It’s meant for me, too, being more fortunate<br />

than others. From now on, whenever a gam zu l’tova situation<br />

comes my way, I will look for the Baruch Hashem<br />

behind it.<br />

“If you want to feel rich, just count all<br />

the things money can’t buy.

Chizuk<br />

Chana Yehudis Zahav<br />

A Blessing<br />

in Disguise<br />

It is assumed that the biggest bracha a person can receive<br />

is that his salvation should come and that he be granted<br />

whatever is “lacking” in his life. Sometimes, though, one is<br />

privileged to discover within their actual nisayon a blessing<br />

in disguise. This is one such case.<br />

In Parshas Bereishes, Perek Alef, Posuk 28, we find the very<br />

first bracha with which Hakodosh Baruch Hu blessed<br />

mankind, the greatest bracha that a person can receive, “Pru<br />

irvu umilu es haoretz.” Be fruitful and multiply and fill up the<br />

land. Later in Parshos Noach, this is also a directive that a man<br />

should get married so that he fulfills this command. In fact,<br />

such an important mitzvah it is, that one of the three questions<br />

stated in gemara, that a man is asked upon arriving in<br />

the World to Come is, “Asokta b’pirya v’rivya? Have you engaged<br />

in the mitzvah of pru irvu?”<br />

Some of us might think that we’ve so far been incapable<br />

of carrying out that order. While others effortlessly bring<br />

children <strong>into</strong> this world, as hard as we try, and as much hishtadlus<br />

as we constantly do, this is one mitzvah as of yet unfulfilled<br />

by us.<br />

On the contrary! The question that will be asked of each<br />

of us is not, “Have you brought children <strong>into</strong> this world? Have<br />

you been successful in pirya v’rivya?” Instead, we will be<br />

asked, “Asokta: Have you engaged in this mitzvah?”<br />

This set me thinking. How amazing! I have countless opportunities<br />

to serve Hashem in trying to fulfill this special<br />

mitzvah, the very first bracha in the Torah!<br />

Every time I gave myself an injection, every time I went<br />

through a surgery, each time I’ve gone through a loss in the<br />

past six years, I had a chance to serve Hashem. What an<br />

amazing privilege to accrue so many zchusim on this account,<br />

and to do Hashem’s will so thoroughly. Hashem must love<br />

me so much to deem me worthy of all these merits. Hodu<br />

L’Hashem Ki Tov!<br />

And so this became my mantra, in each attempt I make<br />

at having a child.<br />

Every time I give myself an injection, I say to myself, “You<br />

can do it! You are performing the greatest mitzvah, regardless<br />

of the outcome.” When I was about to begin my last IVF<br />

cycle, I said to Hashem, “Okay, I’m in your hands. I am doing<br />

the mitzvah of pirya v’rivya, so I have nothing to fear.”<br />

I find that keeping this frame of mind, doesn’t only help<br />

contain any physical discomfort, it also makes me feel accomplished<br />

and proud of my life, regardless if a procedure<br />

succeeds or not.<br />

We can’t control our lives and what Hashem blesses us<br />

with. But we can choose to take lessons out of what life gives<br />

us. Hakol bidie shamayim chutz m’yiras shamayim. Let us<br />

throw ourselves completely <strong>into</strong> doing Hashem’s will. We can<br />

only gain from living this way.<br />

Be’ezras Hashem, may we all be zoche to yeshuas, and<br />

mostly, to see the good in everything that happens.<br />



Chizuk<br />

By Ruchie Herzka<br />

My Loyal<br />

Companions<br />


Always shy and bashful, quite reticent I’d say,<br />

Getting to know a whole new crew wasn’t really my forte;<br />

Until <strong>Infertility</strong> came to visit, so far she’s here to stay,<br />

<strong>Bringing</strong> along her troop of pals to swing in on the fray;<br />

Doubt’s the nagging nuisance, the one who calls and calls,<br />

She just won’t get the message that she’s not welcome at all!<br />

Dignity is the fly-by-night; she always comes and goes,<br />

Shows up when I’d think she won’t, and leaves when I need her most;<br />

Pain comes unannounced, in her classic grays and blues,<br />

Occasionally she’ll appear to be a Mom with a Bugaboo;<br />

Perseverance is the firm one; I’d never think we’d click,<br />

So far we’re rough-n-tumbling through; with her I like to stick!<br />

Hope is an enigma; I can’t quite figure her out,<br />

She sometimes looks like Perseverance, and at times resembles Doubt;<br />

Humor, she’s a funny one, full of laughs and wit,<br />

Accompanies me through it all, always coming with;<br />

Happiness and Gratitude, these two are just divine,<br />

Hand in hand with Blessing, we’re together all the time!<br />

That’s my motley crew, a cheering squad I’ll say,<br />

I think when <strong>Infertility</strong> leaves, I’ll ask some friends to stay!<br />


the COMMITTEE for<br />


What every<br />

couple<br />

experiencing<br />

infertlity<br />

should<br />

know<br />


מכון שערי הלכה ורפואה<br />

The Committee of Halacha and Technology, Inc.<br />

Inquire about the level of<br />

Hashgacha allowed in the<br />

IVF Center of your choice.<br />

(Inquiries must be made by<br />

each couple.)<br />

A Project of<br />

A TIME<br />

Under the Leadership of:<br />

Harav Hershel Ausch<br />

R’ Mordechai Koenig<br />

Director of Medical Affairs for A<br />

TIME.<br />

Please call 212.260.07900790 to set up Hashgacha<br />


Request to have Hashgacha<br />

at the IVF center must be<br />

made by the couple.<br />

NOTIFY<br />

Notify the Machon in a<br />

timely fashion and keep the<br />

Machon updated about all<br />

progress*.<br />

.<br />

*Please let us know at the start of a cycle as to the approximate time when you’ll be needing this service<br />

*Please give us at least two days notice, so that our assistance can be ensured.<br />

The leading Rabbonim with expertise in all halachic issues pertaining to infertility and reproductive medicine are available to<br />

you through The Committee for Halacha and Technology. These Rabbonim have been educated by the Rabbonim of our<br />

Machon and by top medical physicians regarding all aspects of fertility treatments and can answer all your halachic inquiries.<br />

The Committee provides Hashgacha in all major IVF Centers. Under the leadership of R’ Hershel Ausch, these services are<br />

available exclusively through the Committee. The Committee has done extensive research and has arranged with various<br />

specialists to obtain permission for Hashgacha during IVF and IUI procedures. It is imperative that each couple call the<br />

Committee for Halacha and Technology for full details before beginning an IVF or IUI procedure.

Chizuk from Within<br />

By Y. Roitenbarg<br />

FOREWORD: I wrote the following article (last year) when a very dear friend who had joined a crocheting club soon after<br />

Sukkos told me that another group member had asked her, “For whom are you crocheting? Is this for one of your children?”<br />

In an effort to alleviate some of her pain and to show her that I truly empathized with her, I stayed up late <strong>into</strong> the night writing this<br />

article, penning my feelings in the hope of being able to encourage her, bring her comfort, and imbue her with strength. I was so glad<br />

when she told me that it not only brought her comfort, but also brought her and her crocheting to a new and higher level.<br />

The<br />

Whole<br />

‘Hole’<br />

Point<br />


When a friend recently told me that she had taken<br />

up crocheting, I was impressed for various reasons.<br />

Firstly, it was quite soon after Sukkos and she had not waited<br />

for the winter blues to set in, but attacked them before they<br />

could harass or pester her. Secondly, as soon as she had realized<br />

she needed to incorporate something extra and different<br />

<strong>into</strong> the long, dull, quiet winter months-so as to make them<br />

more interesting and exciting-she had made her choice and<br />

without any procrastination had joined the crocheting group.<br />

Thirdly, I admired her courage and bravery. Despite her own<br />

still empty nest, she was not afraid to join a group which consisted<br />

mostly of mothers and grandmothers crocheting for<br />

their own children and grandchildren. Finally, I admired her<br />

choice to take the needle in hand and begin, whereas I would<br />


do anything to avoid the needle.<br />

Now do not get me wrong or misunderstand me; I know<br />

how to sew and enjoy doing embroideries and tapestries. I am<br />

not afraid of needlepoint, and I am NOT afraid of the point of<br />

a needle. I have experienced over twenty years of infertility, and<br />

I can assure you that needles do not scare me. Though at first<br />

it was a daunting task, I nevertheless learned, long ago, how to<br />

take a needle and syringe and bravely inject myself with various<br />

medications. I don’t so much as quiver when I stretch out my<br />

arm to have my blood drawn, and no doctor or nurse could<br />

scare me with any needle. Even an anesthetist does not<br />

frighten me. As he points his long needle in my direction, before<br />

he numbs me and puts me <strong>into</strong> deep sleep, I calmly say,<br />

‏”בידו אפקיד רוחי בעת אישן ואעירה ועם רוחי גויתי ד’‏ לי ולא אירא.“‏<br />

But a crocheting needle is an entirely different story!<br />

I remember at the young age of<br />

eight or nine years old, one of our<br />

teachers taught (or tried to teach)<br />

us how to knit. We had to bring<br />

yarn and knitting needles to the<br />

class and we would all be making<br />

scarves. We all chose attractive<br />

balls of soft wool and<br />

enthusiastically began knitting.<br />

My enthusiasm was not long<br />

lasting. While most of my friends<br />

mastered this art effortlessly, I came home from every lesson<br />

in tears. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I managed<br />

to drop and lose loops. If I began with twenty rows on the<br />

knitting needle, then at the lesson’s end I would somehow<br />

wind up (pun intended) with lots of knots and twenty five<br />

or fifteen rows. While I counted and concentrated, my friends<br />

seemed to be able to talk and socialize while, simultaneously,<br />

their needles clicked and danced in harmony. They were all<br />

done with their scarves and onto their next project, whereas<br />

I did not have anything to show for my efforts, besides for a<br />

ball of twisted wool, a mess, lots of holes, and a broken heart.<br />

I would come home disheartened after each session, and my<br />

mother would try to help me and patiently show me where<br />

I had gone wrong. She would dry my tears, unravel some<br />

wool, undo some of the rows which I had painstakingly<br />

knitted, and she would help me to begin again. It seemed easy<br />

as I watched her, but as soon as I began, the needles once<br />

again seemed to dance to a different tune, and almost as<br />

though they had a mind of their own, the holes would<br />

reappear.<br />

I was so glad when the knitting course was over, and we<br />

began learning a different skill in our craft lessons. I happily<br />

put down my knitting needles and never picked them up<br />

again! I did not think I had learned anything in those lessons<br />

other than how awful it is to feel incapable, inferior, inept,<br />

and clumsy. Now, however, when my friend told me she had<br />

joined a crocheting course, I thought back to those dreaded<br />

knitting lessons and realized that even if I had not mastered<br />

the art of knitting, I had learned some important life lessons<br />

which helped me much later on in life.<br />

I think if I was brave enough to take knitting needles in<br />

hand today I could probably learn to use them. Though by<br />

nature I am a perfectionist, I don’t think I would cry or shed<br />

tears if the first scarf I‘d attempt would not come out perfect.<br />

I would not get as distraught over a few holes. You see,<br />

although I put down my knitting needles, Hashem was still<br />

holding His and knitting the picture of my life. In my mind I<br />

I am not afraid of needlepoint, and I am NOT<br />

afraid of the point of a needle. I have<br />

experienced over twenty years of infertility, and<br />

I can assure you that needles do not scare me.<br />

had envisioned attractive balls of colored wool, twenty neat<br />

loops, tidy rows, and I had pictured the image of a perfect<br />

life. However, there have been so many times and places<br />

along the way when rows seemed to have been dropped,<br />

loops were missing, and I was left with gaping holes and<br />

disappointments, which I never imagined would be part of<br />

my life. The twisted yarn of life is not as easy to unravel. There<br />

are those who try to sympathize when I am disheartened, but<br />

it is harder to dry these tears and not necessarily possible to<br />

begin again. Most of my friends seem to be creating<br />

masterpieces, while I deal with knots, holes, vacuums, and<br />

disillusionment.<br />

When I look back over the years I wonder about Hashem<br />

and His knitting needles. I had drawn up a pattern, I had<br />

visions of attractive, beautiful colored balls of soft yarn, and<br />

now I see a less than beautiful scarf. I see my life with its many<br />

holes and disappointments, the challenges of infertility, the<br />

vacuum of childlessness, and I find myself entangled in the<br />

pain of so many other BIG life challenges. I know though that<br />

Hashem is the Master Designer. His knitting needles don’t<br />

make any mistakes, even if to me it feels like they are dancing

Chizuk from Within<br />

the wrong step and even when they are clicking to a different<br />

tune than I had anticipated. The life HE is knitting for me is<br />

not HOLEY but HOLY. Indeed, I have to admit that it is<br />

precisely when I saw that my plans and patterns were not<br />

being followed, when things were not turning out according<br />

to my expectations, when my dreams were not materializing;<br />

all the times and occasions in life when I was tangled in knots,<br />

when I had to deal with vacuums and holes – that is when I<br />

became holy and spiritual. I am not afraid. I calmly turn to<br />

Hashem and say, “You can give me challenges; You can take<br />

those needles, prick me, pierce my heart, and create holes, but<br />

‏.“ועם רוחי גויתי ד’‏ לי ולא אירא holy: I will remain whole and<br />

I think I might join my friend in the crocheting club; I don’t<br />

think I am afraid of a crocheting needle or knitting needles<br />

any more.<br />

Even if I don’t learn how to crochet, I think I would still<br />

learn a great deal …… And when another group member will<br />

ask me, “Who are you crocheting for? Is this for one of your<br />

children or grandchildren?”<br />

I know what my answer will be. With a bright smile I will<br />

confidently respond, “I am crocheting for myself.”<br />

After all, the whole point of this needle and this course<br />

will be to teach me that holes make me and my life not<br />

holey but HOLY!<br />

EPILOGUE: Just six weeks after writing this article “THE WHOLE ‘HOLE’ POINT“ and sending it to my friend, I<br />

found myself again, this time on the second night of Chanukah, writing another letter, a very different letter, late <strong>into</strong> the<br />

night to the SAME friend.<br />

After completing and emailing the long and beautiful letter to her, I then wrote the following <strong>into</strong> my diary.<br />

It is the second night of Chanukah. The hour is late, very late. Sleep eludes me and I have just finished writing a long,<br />

emotional letter to a friend.<br />

Which friend? The one who joined the crocheting course after Sukkos, the one who was asked just a few short weeks ago<br />

“Is this for one of your children?”<br />

Little did she know then that she was in fact crocheting for her own baby!!! Hashem was crocheting too; He helped them<br />

to find their own pach shemen, their pure shemen zayis zoch. MAZEL TOV! May their pach shemen always bring much<br />

light to their home and their lives.<br />

Today, this morning, on the first day of Chanukah, they have brought home a miracle, a beautiful <strong>Jewish</strong> baby daughter<br />

from a hospital, just two weeks old, and they will name her on Shabbos. We are so excited celebrating “whole-heartedly” the<br />

nissim of bayomim hohem as well as the nissim of bazman hazeh!<br />


“You don’t develop courage by<br />

being happy every day, you develop<br />

it by surviving difficult times<br />

and challenging adversity.<br />


The<br />

Ronald O. Perelman<br />

and Claudia<br />

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Owen Davis, MD M.D.<br />

Ina Cholst, M.D.<br />

Pak<br />

Chung, M.D.<br />

Rony T. Elias, M.D.<br />

Dan<br />

Goldschlag, M.D.<br />

Hey-Joo Kang, M.D.<br />

Isaac<br />

Kligman, M.D.<br />

Glenn<br />

Schattman, M.D.<br />

Steven<br />

Spandorfer, M.D.<br />

Psychologists<br />

Linda<br />

Applegarth, Ed.D.<br />

Elizabeth<br />

Grill, Psy.D.<br />

Laura<br />

Josephs, s,<br />

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The Center for<br />

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Peter<br />

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Chizuk from Within<br />

Chany Feldbrand<br />

Bound Through<br />

Struggles<br />


The jangle of the phone interrupted my thoughts, and<br />

I reached for the receiver. This was pre-caller ID days,<br />

so there was that aura of anticipation; who would it be on<br />

the other end of the line? The voice was that of a stranger,<br />

but it was unusually warm and friendly. “This is Brany<br />

Rosen,” I heard the voice say. “And I am calling to thank<br />

you for the beautiful letter you sent us.”<br />

It took me a moment to grasp what she was talking<br />

about, but then it came to me. Several weeks earlier, a<br />

neighbor had given me a thin, stapled booklet telling me<br />

that she had found it encouraging and inspiring and<br />

thought that maybe I would too. I looked at the words<br />

written in simple type at the top of the cover. “A Torah <strong>Infertility</strong><br />

Medium of Exchange.” My curiosity aroused, I<br />

opened it up. The booklet consisted of a modest collection<br />

of articles and Torah thoughts geared for the <strong>Jewish</strong> infertile<br />

couple. No names were to be found anywhere in the<br />

booklet – there were just four sets of initials in tiny print<br />

on the inside front cover.<br />

I was intrigued by the contents and read them hungrily.<br />

Married for close to three years and as of yet unblessed, I<br />

felt as if I was the only one marooned on the desert island<br />

of the childless while everyone else was cruising along merrily<br />

in the glistening waters of motherhood. This booklet<br />

was a bit of proof that I was actually not the only one;<br />

there were others stranded there on the island with me.<br />

This took place about fifteen years ago. I admired the<br />

vision, the courage and the plain old guts required on behalf<br />

of those four “initials” to discuss a previously hushed<br />

and hidden topic, for the purpose of chizuk and understanding.<br />

I proceeded to take out a pen and paper and<br />

write a letter to them (an address appeared beneath the<br />

initials in the front cover), thanking them and encouraging<br />

them to continue.<br />

I certainly did not expect a phone call in return! But<br />

here was Brany on the line, thanking me for thanking<br />

them. “We loved the idea you suggested in your letter,” she<br />

continued after our preliminary chat. “And we’d like to feature<br />

it in the newsletter. Do you think you can write it?”<br />



37<br />

I was floored. I had suggested the idea of featuring a<br />

correspondence column of two women not yet blessed<br />

with children, thinking that it would be enjoyable for people<br />

to read of true-life experiences in the form of an ongoing<br />

correspondence. But I certainly hadn’t thought of<br />

doing it myself! Well, on second thought, maybe it wasn’t<br />

such a bad idea after all…<br />

“Well, I mean, um, who would I do it with?” I finally<br />

blurted out, for lack of anything else to say. But Brany had<br />

a ready answer. “I have someone<br />

who might be able to do it with<br />

you,” Brany continued. “She just<br />

submitted a poem for our next<br />

newsletter and might be interested<br />

in doing this column. I will<br />

contact her and get back to<br />

you.”<br />

Chanie, who was a bit older<br />

than me and lived far, far away<br />

from me, was game. And so the<br />

column “Dear Chanie, Dear<br />

Yehudis,” which was featured in<br />

A TIME’s magazine for several<br />

years, was born.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> first conversation was a<br />

bit strange and uncomfortable.<br />

We exchanged basic information.<br />

Chanie lived in a rather remote<br />

<strong>Jewish</strong> community, several<br />

hours’ drive from where I lived.<br />

She was married for about six<br />

years at that time and was quite<br />

advanced in her infertility journey,<br />

having already been through a number of high-tech<br />

treatments. I, on the other hand, was married for just<br />

under three years, was much closer to the onset of the<br />

journey and was still quite muddled in what I dubbed<br />

the “bewilderment and adjustment” stage of childlessness.<br />

In general, too, Chanie and I couldn’t have been more<br />

dissimilar. She hailed from a staunchly Chassidic family<br />

and upheld her traditions with a fierce pride. Her husband<br />

worked and was kove’a itim, while she held a part-time job.<br />

I felt as if I was<br />

the only one<br />

marooned on the<br />

desert island of the<br />

childless while<br />

everyone else was<br />

cruising along<br />

merrily in the<br />

glistening waters<br />

of motherhood.<br />

I was a mainstream Bais Yaakov graduate, married to a fulltime<br />

Kollel yungerman, and lived in a large “in-town” community.<br />

I taught in a local Bais Yaakov elementary school,<br />

and that was about it. Well, actually no, that was not it at<br />

all – at least not anymore! Now I was going to write for<br />

this new newsletter called A TIME.<br />

I have to admit, it was quite awkward at first. We didn’t<br />

know each other at all, and here we were going to do a column<br />

together? Was this going to be a “once a season connection”<br />

and a business-only<br />

relationship, or was this going to be<br />

a friendship? Only time would tell.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> first exchange of letters:<br />

Dear Chanie,<br />

This is so not “me,” picking up a<br />

pen and writing to a virtual stranger.<br />

But then again, the circumstances<br />

that caused me to do so don’t feel like<br />

“me” either…<br />

I’m not sure what is making me do<br />

this… perhaps the need to have someone<br />

who understands and can empathize,<br />

without being judgmental –<br />

just someone who is “there” and<br />

“knows.” I thank you, Chanie, for<br />

reaching out and graciously offering<br />

yourself. I think it will be so comforting<br />

and helpful to share this journey with<br />

someone who’s already along the<br />

path and familiar with its twists and<br />

turns, bumps and obstacles.<br />

As I write, I am asking myself, “Why on earth would you<br />

reveal your personal situation to a total stranger?” On second<br />

thought, maybe it’s not so strange after all. We share a common<br />

bond, a situation that’s challenging and trying in its own<br />

unique way, and sharing experiences can prove beneficial for<br />

both of us. And sometimes it’s easier to express oneself to a<br />

stranger.<br />

Where do I start? It’s funny; in the beginning, I couldn’t<br />

even bring myself to think “that word.” No way. It didn’t apply

Chizuk from Within<br />


to me! I find that especially with the nisayon of infertility, there<br />

is a tremendous amount of alienation one can feel from family<br />

and friends, and society at large. Being able to share what<br />

our world is all about gives me the feeling that I am not that<br />

alone after all!<br />

Chanie’s reply was not long in coming.<br />

Dear Yehudis,<br />

What a pleasant surprise to receive your letter! Thanks<br />

for writing! I am glad A TIME puts people in contact with<br />

each other; I could certainly use this for my benefit, too!<br />

Don’t ever think that the longer one is married, the easier<br />

this nisayon becomes. This is one of the few areas where no<br />

one ever wants to be considered a maven or an old-timer.<br />

But naturally, over the course of time, we do become more<br />

informed and knowledgeable, whether we like it or not. I<br />

hope our correspondence will be a continuous one for sharing<br />

situations and emotions that arise frequently and for<br />

helping each other rise above the challenges we face.<br />

Now, reading those early letters<br />

in their entirety for the first time in<br />

many years, I see that our first letters<br />

were quite stilted as we groped<br />

to find a balance between sharing<br />

information for the benefit of our<br />

readership and testing the waters<br />

of the boundaries of our new relationship.<br />

Slowly, with time (pardon the<br />

pun) our relationship began to<br />

take root and blossom. We realized<br />

that with all our external differences,<br />

we really had so much in<br />

common as far as nature and personality.<br />

There was a mutual understanding<br />

between us and we<br />

were able to relate to each other’s<br />

struggles and challenges, sharing<br />

support and chizuk to help each<br />

other cope. If it was Brany who<br />

brought us together, it was<br />

Hashem Who made us match.<br />

And what a match it was!<br />

I find that<br />

especially with the<br />

nisayon of<br />

infertility, there is a<br />

tremendous<br />

amount of<br />

alienation one can<br />

feel from family<br />

and friends, and<br />

society at large.<br />

There was something magical about the friendship,<br />

something special. Since Chanie and I were from totally<br />

different backgrounds and moved in completely different<br />

circles, we each found a perfect place to unload, a perfect<br />

place to vent. She could tell me all about her sister-inlaw’s<br />

insensitivity because I had no clue who her sister-inlaw<br />

was and had no way of ever finding out!<br />

From the once-a-season connection, solely for the purpose<br />

of writing our letters for that quarter’s issue of the A<br />

TIME magazine, our friendship slowly evolved <strong>into</strong> weekly<br />

and sometimes even daily phone conversations.<br />

We shared everything, not just our journey through the<br />

ups and downs of infertility. When my brother was dating<br />

and I was going crazy with excitement, it was only Chanie<br />

whom I could call; with everyone else, I was sworn to secrecy.<br />

When her little sister got sick and was hospitalized<br />

and the doctors feared for her life, mine was the shoulder<br />

upon which Chanie cried and felt free to express all her<br />

worries – and her emotional turmoil as she deliberated<br />

which shirt to pack in case the worst materialized.<br />

I laugh when I remember those early letters! Forget<br />

about email – neither of us had a computer then. Chanie<br />

didn’t even own a fax machine! When I wrote my letter, I<br />

would have to fax it to her neighbor’s house with the<br />

words “Strictly Confidential” emblazoned across the top.<br />

In the years since the conclusion of our column, we’ve<br />

both moved up in the technology department, and we<br />

often joked about how much easier<br />

it would be for us to write now<br />

than it was then.<br />

It came to a point that our letters<br />

became a mere backdrop to<br />

our real relationship: a side point,<br />

an almost “by the way”. Neither of<br />

us could go through a cycle of<br />

treatment without the ongoing<br />

support and encouragement of<br />

the other. I was in awe of her; she<br />

was going through all those scary,<br />

advanced procedures that I only<br />

read about and hoped and prayed<br />

would not someday be my lot.<br />

I was amazed at her ability to<br />

empathize with me even when<br />

what I was going through was<br />

child’s play for her. She helped me<br />

through the maze of confusing<br />

medical jargon and assisted me in<br />

interpreting confusing lab results.<br />

She stayed on the phone with me<br />

to help pass the time as I waited for the doctor’s return<br />

call and instructions, and would give steady doses of<br />

humor and chizuk whenever needed. It was Chanie who<br />

stood by me, and she lovingly and happily shared her practical<br />

tips and general advice to help ease the way for me.<br />

Chanie and I would sometimes joke about organizing<br />

“something”, some kind of get-together or event for people<br />

like us, mainly because we thought that it would finally<br />


enable us to meet each other! One particular exchange of<br />

letters expressed this.<br />

Dear Chanie,<br />

A crazy idea popped <strong>into</strong> my head. Tell me what you<br />

think of it. How about an evening of “Fun and Entertainment”<br />

just for women experiencing our<br />

shared circumstances? It could be so<br />

much fun! We could get a humorous<br />

speaker. There would be lots of food<br />

and no one would be subjected to uncomfortable<br />

scrutiny. And there would<br />

be a great Chinese auction. Wouldn’t<br />

it be fun?!<br />

Chanie took it one step further.<br />

She actually arranged the whole Chinese<br />

Auction! In her reply, she shared<br />

the laughs.<br />

Dear Yehudis,<br />

I’m going to do the Chinese Auction.<br />

Please pardon my somewhat<br />

strange sense of humor, but it does<br />

help me to cope. Here goes:<br />

Split the Pot:<br />

He eats half, you eat yours.<br />

(Who else is there to share dinner<br />

with?)<br />

Grand Prize:<br />

$15,000 Cash<br />

Check can be made out to your father, the gemach, a neighbor,<br />

the bank, your sister or your credit card company. This<br />

can repay the loans you so reluctantly took out to cover<br />

your medical expenses.<br />

First Prize:<br />

Lease a luxury two-door car with no back seat.<br />

No more excuses needed for not becoming the local chauffeur.<br />

Second Prize:<br />

Full color analysis<br />

Feeling blue? Having trouble putting a smile on your face?<br />

Then this is for you.<br />

Third Prize:<br />

A trip for two<br />

Time out to get away from your stress-filled life.<br />

Fourth Prize:<br />

Electronic treadmill<br />

To help overcome the feeling of going nowhere fast.<br />

Little did we dream that, indeed, the day would come<br />

when such events and get-togethers would be the norm,<br />

offering so many people the<br />

camaraderie, chizuk, and support<br />

that we so craved.<br />

This is one of the<br />

few areas where no<br />

one ever wants to<br />

be considered a<br />

maven or an oldtimer.<br />

But naturally,<br />

over the course of<br />

time, we do become<br />

more informed and<br />

knowledgeable,<br />

whether we like it or<br />

not.<br />

But all humor aside, our relationship<br />

was mostly serious<br />

business. As time went on,<br />

Chanie moved on <strong>into</strong> more<br />

high-tech treatments that<br />

were difficult and draining on<br />

her, physically, emotionally,<br />

and financially. While she didn’t<br />

share every last detail with<br />

me, I did know when she was<br />

going through a cycle of treatments<br />

and would offer my<br />

heartfelt prayers that all her<br />

superhuman hishtadlus succeed.<br />

And then there was the<br />

topic that came up from time<br />

to time: What would happen<br />

when one of us would “move<br />

on” and get positive results?<br />

We knew that for it to “happen”<br />

to both of us at the same<br />

time was highly improbable,<br />

so what would we do? I was<br />

distressed by this dilemma and thought about it often.<br />

Chanie’s friendship and support was so precious to me; I<br />

valued our relationship and couldn’t imagine it ever ending.<br />

But… what would we do?<br />

We would often discuss this openly, and of course we<br />

never came to any conclusion. It was a tough one, for this<br />

friendship was initiated and built on the situation we<br />

shared. It was not like a friendship between neighbors or<br />

school friends, where the building blocks were cemented<br />

by other things held in common. This was an infertility<br />

friendship that had blossomed <strong>into</strong> a real connection.<br />

What would be when the common denominator was removed?<br />

I always hoped and prayed that Chanie would be answered<br />

first. It wouldn’t be “fair” otherwise, I thought in<br />

indignation. She had gotten married before me, had been<br />

through much more than me, and besides, she deserved<br />

it! I had gone through so many painful cycles with her –<br />



Chizuk from Within<br />


so many failed attempts, so much money and emotional<br />

investment down the drain – I couldn’t imagine being another<br />

source of pain for her.<br />

A year and then another passed. Time seemed to fly<br />

and stand still at the same time. We both continued to<br />

struggle in our own ways. And then, after much hishtadlus<br />

and prayer, my deepest hope was realized. After a draining<br />

and exhausting round of treatments, the news came. I was<br />

stunned – and ecstatic.<br />

After the initial gush of shock, disbelief, and utter ecstasy,<br />

my thought went straight to Chanie. Instinctively, I<br />

sat down to write.<br />

Dear Chanie,<br />

This letter is by far the hardest for me to write, and<br />

though I know that I won’t be sending<br />

it for a while yet, I must write it<br />

now, when my emotions are<br />

strongest.<br />

We’ve gone through this issue<br />

many times before; in fact, we<br />

spoke about it just this past week.<br />

We knew it wouldn’t happen to<br />

both of us at the same time. So we<br />

agonized and agonized over what<br />

was the right thing to do…. To tell?<br />

And when to tell? Do you hear<br />

what I am saying? A mere three<br />

hours ago I got the call back from<br />

my doctor’s office that the Beta<br />

HCG came back positive…<br />

I feel like I am dreaming. I can’t<br />

believe it! Hayinu k’cholmin. There<br />

are no words. And my first<br />

thoughts were of you. How I davened<br />

to hear such words from you<br />

first! I know the pain and the conflicting<br />

emotions upon hearing such<br />

news. One can be happy, yet it is<br />

such a stabbing, painful reminder.<br />

Believe me, I feel like crying. The<br />

amount of pain and suffering that<br />

you’ve been through is surely enough.<br />

I remember reading once that when Sarah Imeinu was<br />

blessed with a child, all barren women of her time gave birth<br />

as well. In this way, Hashem ensured that her simchah<br />

would be complete. Oh, how I understand that now!<br />

I had an intense desire to pick up the phone and let you<br />

know immediately. You’ve helped me come so far, you deserve<br />

to share in the moment. But I know that it’s not the<br />

And how about<br />

the feelings of<br />

someone else<br />

moving on while<br />

you still remain<br />

behind? The<br />

happiness for<br />

someone’s longawaited<br />

simchah<br />

along with the<br />

pain of being the<br />

one still waiting?<br />

right thing. How often we’ve discussed this scenario. Should<br />

I continue talking and writing as if nothing has happened?<br />

That’s so not fair. If I stop cold turkey, isn’t that even worse?<br />

That’s indicating what’s going on, but doing so in the worst<br />

possible way.<br />

Remember when we discussed it? We decided that there<br />

are no solutions and we always ended the discussion with<br />

“Let’s just get there first.” But Chanie, please forgive me!<br />

However I let you know, I only mean the best! I will try my<br />

hardest! I will tell you as soon as I can! You are first on my<br />

list! And know that I daven for you and your husband always.<br />

Call me when you can, but I understand.<br />

Besuros tovos. You’re the greatest.<br />

Love,<br />

Yehudis<br />

Close and meaningful relationships<br />

always have a downside to<br />

them: the potential for pain when<br />

things do not continue along the<br />

known and familiar route. And a<br />

relationship built on only one common<br />

denominator is especially sensitive<br />

to this.<br />

I agonized over this during the<br />

early weeks of my pregnancy, alternating<br />

between the feelings of<br />

hope and anticipation for myself<br />

and the pain and distress I felt for<br />

Chanie and the other friends I had<br />

made through the nisayon of infertility.<br />

By keeping my news a secret<br />

I felt like a fraud; this was so not<br />

“me.” But I had no choice. I tried to<br />

be sensitive and discreet, and all<br />

the while I just waited and waited<br />

for the crucial three-month mark<br />

so I could be open and honest,<br />

which is in sync with my nature.<br />

As soon as the first trimester<br />

passed, I took out the above letter<br />

and prepared to send it to Chanie.<br />

I wanted her to see that my thought and feelings were<br />

with her from the beginning. I remembered the times I was<br />

on the other side, watching friends make the longed-for<br />

crossing of the invisible line.<br />

I was determined to try my hardest and do my best to<br />

minimize the pain that Chanie was likely to feel. I so cherished<br />

our friendship and the last thing I wanted was for it<br />

to peter out. But I knew that it was Chanie, as the one who<br />


was still waiting, who would take the lead. This was her<br />

call, and I would honor and respect whatever she decided.<br />

I wrote:<br />

Dear Chanie,<br />

It is about two months since I<br />

wrote the above letter, but the pain<br />

hasn’t lessened at all. I wrote that I<br />

would tell you as soon as I could, and<br />

nobody knows yet besides our parents.<br />

You understand that I couldn’t<br />

tell you earlier, don’t you? I know this<br />

is hard; I wish with my whole heart<br />

that I could make it easier.<br />

You know, in a certain sense I feel<br />

that I am still on the “infertile team.”<br />

It seems the feeling never eases.<br />

What’s that line – “It ain’t over till it’s<br />

over”? Things aren’t going very<br />

smoothly (did I ever think they<br />

would?), and we’ve had quite a few<br />

scares. Boy, does it shake me up. The<br />

fact that we waited so long greatly<br />

magnifies the fear that comes along<br />

with each problem we run <strong>into</strong>. I still<br />

fervently daven for “zara chayah<br />

v’kayamah” – for all of us. Between all<br />

the bloodwork, medication, injections, and scans, we totter<br />

regularly from ecstasy to fright. May Hashem help us all.<br />

Chanie, I understand that responding is hard for you. I<br />

think of you all the time. Write when you can and please do<br />

whatever is best for you.<br />

Love,<br />

Yehudis<br />

I waited anxiously for her reply. Finally, it came. With<br />

trembling hands, I opened the envelope and my eyes went<br />

quickly down the familiar script.<br />

Dear Yehudis,<br />

Hi! Thanks for writing. I’m struck speechless. Mazel tov<br />

to you. I hope you understand the delay in time since your<br />

letter was received – there’s been a lot going on, and then<br />

your letter came, which took me totally by surprise. But I<br />

am grateful that you told me. As much as it hurts, it hurts<br />

far more not to be told.<br />

It sounds as if you are going through a bit of a rough time.<br />

I’m also sure you’re going through all the mixed emotions<br />

I’ve heard about from other former infertile friends: feeling<br />

infertile but being pregnant… having infertile friends but<br />

joining fertile discussions.<br />

Somehow I feel lonely knowing that you’ve taken the<br />

giant leap <strong>into</strong> the world of the fertile. Maybe that’s a mean<br />

thing to say, but it’s the painful<br />

truth. Who knows how long a<br />

I will never forget<br />

where I was when<br />

the call came<br />

through. I was in<br />

the study, sitting at<br />

my husband’s desk<br />

trying to file some<br />

papers, when the<br />

phone rang. It was<br />

Chanie.<br />

friendship can last when lives<br />

take such different paths? Isn’t it<br />

horrible to think of a friendship<br />

as disposable, just because of a<br />

positive pregnancy test? I can’t<br />

believe I am being so honest with<br />

you and sounding so bitter.<br />

At the same time… I hope<br />

you’ll understand and forgive<br />

me.<br />

It took much courage and<br />

thought for you to write to me<br />

about your good news. You must<br />

have spent days thinking of how<br />

or when to share, and I see that<br />

I was in your thoughts from the<br />

very beginning, and I am<br />

touched. I appreciate that you<br />

did not think of hiding your<br />

news until it was obvious. After<br />

all, we have never met, so you<br />

could easily have hidden it until then.<br />

My sister-in-law, who was obviously expecting, thought<br />

that not telling me was the polite thing to do. She didn’t<br />

bother calling me to tell me that she was in maternity clothing<br />

even though we were going to a simchah together. She<br />

just got <strong>into</strong> the car in a maternity outfit and said nothing.<br />

Boy that was hard for me. I desperately needed time to digest<br />

her new look.<br />

I suppose you thought I might never respond to your letter.<br />

It seemed like that from the way you ended yours. Did<br />

you think our friendship would end abruptly just like that?<br />

Well, quite frankly, it could have, except for the fact that I<br />

believe in confronting obstacles I meet up with, and so not<br />

only am I responding, I’ll even tell you news – or lack thereof<br />

– on my end…<br />

Chanie was amazing. I am sure it was exceedingly difficult<br />

for her. In preparing to be interviewed for this article,<br />

I asked her to share her thoughts and feelings from that<br />

time. “When you became pregnant,” she told me, “it was<br />

not as hard for me as it was when my neighbors had kids<br />

each year or when I got requests to be kvatter for the same<br />

couple more than once. You really tried to be extra sensitive<br />

and careful, while still maintaining the close and open<br />



Chizuk from Within<br />


relationship we shared. I know that it wasn’t easy for you<br />

either. It was a tightrope – on both ends. It took a whole<br />

lot of trust and mutual good will. But it was so worth it!<br />

I’m ever grateful our friendship withstood that test.”<br />

And how about the feelings of someone else moving<br />

on while you still remain behind? The happiness for someone’s<br />

long-awaited simchah along with the pain of being<br />

the one still waiting? “I remember feeling happy for you,”<br />

Chanie told me, “yet still a little envious. I’d wonder if the<br />

day would ever come when I’d be a mother. I used to look<br />

<strong>into</strong> the back seat of my car and imagine what it would be<br />

like to have a car seat, voices, and a<br />

mess instead of a clean, quiet,<br />

empty seat.<br />

“After you gave birth, we still<br />

spoke often, but at that point, my<br />

situation began to seem bleak and<br />

hopeless. We were already past our<br />

10 th anniversary and running out of<br />

options. At time, I was so sad and<br />

distressed about what was going<br />

on. I could not relate to your new reality.<br />

You really always were a good<br />

listener and I still felt I could confide<br />

in you and share some of my struggles<br />

and pain.<br />

“However, I have to admit that<br />

sometimes I could not talk to you<br />

when I was having a down week or<br />

when your baby (who was so blessedly<br />

colicky, remember?) was<br />

screaming in the background.”<br />

<strong>Our</strong> column in A TIME drew to a<br />

close with the birth of my daughter,<br />

but our close relationship continued<br />

to blossom and flourish. I give<br />

Chanie the credit for this; this story<br />

is about her triumph. She had the<br />

courage and strength to keep up the friendship even though<br />

she was becoming more and more discouraged about her<br />

own situation.<br />

For my part I davened for her fervently all the while, listened<br />

quietly when she vented to me and tried my hardest<br />

to empathize and let her know how much I cared. I was careful<br />

never to sound like I “knew” what she was going through,<br />

always acknowledging that, compared to her, I had “gotten<br />

away with murder.” I felt awful for her plight.<br />

When I became pregnant with my second child, it was really<br />

hard. By this time, our relationship had evolved to the<br />

There was Chanie,<br />

sitting on the<br />

couch, cradling the<br />

most gorgeous<br />

baby boy I had<br />

ever seen. My eyes<br />

clouded as we<br />

both put down<br />

our babies and<br />

embraced, our<br />

tears mingling<br />

with our smiles.<br />

point that I blurted out the news to her not long after I found<br />

out myself. It turned out that the timing was really tough for<br />

her, as during that conversation she told me that she was<br />

going through a particularly difficult treatment cycle.<br />

My heart broke; the contrast was just too stark, and it<br />

hurt so badly. I truly loved and cared for Chanie, and her pain<br />

was a real ache for me as well. As she continued to confide<br />

in me the particulars of the treatment protocol for that cycle,<br />

I began silently pleading with Hashem. I begged Him to see<br />

how wholeheartedly Chanie was sharing in my simchah and<br />

not allowing her lack of good news to mar the joy of mine.<br />

“Please, Hashem,” I prayed. “She has<br />

suffered more than enough. And<br />

look. She does not begrudge my<br />

happiness; she just waits, hopes and<br />

dreams for her own. Please send her<br />

a miracle!”<br />

•••<br />

I will never forget where I was<br />

when the call came through. I was<br />

in the study, sitting at my husband’s<br />

desk trying to file some papers,<br />

when the phone rang. It was<br />

Chanie. “Are you sitting?” she asked<br />

me. “Yes,” I automatically answered,<br />

for indeed I was, and it didn’t enter<br />

my mind that she’d be saying anything<br />

close to what I was always<br />

hoping and praying I’d hear from<br />

her. For months, the dismal reports<br />

from her doctors had made hope<br />

so dim that I almost didn’t allow<br />

myself to think in that direction.<br />

But… here Chanie was, on the line,<br />

asking me if I was sitting, and then<br />

she said just three words.<br />

“I am expecting.”<br />

It is more than ten years later, and I still get tears in my<br />

eyes when I recall that moment. What had Chanie said?<br />

Chanie… was expecting…? I was too stunned for words. My<br />

mouth ran dry and I couldn’t say anything. Several long moments<br />

of silence passed. I tried to articulate some words, to<br />

no avail. I just clutched that phone to my ear… and cried.<br />

“Are you there, Yehudis?” she whispered.<br />

•••<br />


You’d better believe I was there. I was there, several<br />

months later, at her miracle baby’s bris. Yes, I lived very far<br />

away and the drive was long and daunting, but I was determined<br />

to be there, no matter what. My heart was<br />

singing as I parked my car outside her home and made my<br />

way up the unfamiliar steps. Chanie and I were going to<br />

meet – and b’chasdei Hashem, it was under the most joyous<br />

of circumstances.<br />

I held my little girl tightly in one hand and balanced my<br />

baby’s car seat in the other. I knocked firmly, my heart<br />

pounding in my chest. The door opened and I was ushered<br />

<strong>into</strong> the living room. There was Chanie, sitting on the<br />

couch, cradling the most gorgeous baby boy I had ever<br />

seen. My eyes clouded as we both put down our babies<br />

and embraced, our tears mingling with our smiles. It was<br />

a moment of triumph.<br />

The triumph of hope and joy.<br />

The triumph of answered prayers and realized dreams.<br />

But most of all, it was the triumph of a friendship that<br />

had withstood the test. The triumph of a woman, my dear<br />

friend Chanie, who had transcended her personal pain and<br />

made our friendship endure.<br />

_____________________________________<br />

Taken with permission from Binah Magazine. Copyright<br />

2011. All Rights Reserved. Binah Magazine<br />


43<br />

“<br />

Some people come <strong>into</strong> our lives and quickly go.<br />

Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our<br />

hearts. And we are never, ever the same.<br />

Experienced a loss?<br />

You are not alone.<br />

Support and help is just<br />

a phone call away.<br />

ATIME Support Line<br />

718.437.7110<br />

For a Pregnancy Loss Support Packet<br />

please call the A TIME Office:<br />

718.686.8912<br />

or email: pregpacket@atime.org.<br />

For immediate assistance<br />

call Malkie at:<br />

917.627.5528.<br />

A TIME is the premier, internationally acclaimed organization that offers advocacy, education, guidance, research and support<br />

through many programs to <strong>Jewish</strong> men, women, and couples struggling with reproductive health, pregnancy loss and infertility.

Chizuk from Within<br />

Sparks<br />

of Connection<br />


Let me introduce myself. I am Nobody Special. During<br />

my school years, I never enjoyed or sought popularity.<br />

Always seated in the corner of the classroom, I cared little for<br />

class gossip or the latest fads. I didn’t mind anyone’s business,<br />

and neither did anyone mind mine.<br />

Fast forward several years. I got engaged at the same time<br />

most of my classmates did, baruch Hashem, married my wonderful<br />

husband, and lived my own little life. A year after our<br />

marriage, I became frantic about my inability to conceive. As<br />

I watched one friend after another celebrate the birth of their<br />

children, the isolation set in like a cloud of dust, enveloping<br />

every inch of my being. However, being rather reserved by nature,<br />

it was not the isolation that troubled me; it was the sudden,<br />

unspoken attention I seemed to be drawing.<br />

Walking <strong>into</strong> our annual class reunion on Chanukah, I felt<br />

like the elephant in the room. As limited as my interactions<br />

had been in the past, I had always been able to chime in<br />

about this teacher and that lesson, and later on about my experiences<br />

at work. Now what? I tried to sit motionless on the<br />

side while my friends discussed their morning sickness and<br />

baby blues. I almost suffocated from holding my breath… But<br />

sure enough, I was noticed. Oh, I don’t mean noticed by in-<br />


By Debbi Kahlstein<br />


45<br />

clusion; I mean the indirect, sharp glances aimed in my direction<br />

as they carried on talking. Now I could no longer be inconspicuous.<br />

My stomach had suddenly become the public object of<br />

fascination.<br />

A wave of relief melted the tension I was feeling as I finally<br />

exited the room. Most of my classmates quickly filed out. Some<br />

said to me, “Call me sometime.” I said I<br />

would, but had no intention of doing so.<br />

I didn’t have to; they called me. Most<br />

callers were classmates I had barely exchanged<br />

a word within the past. They<br />

said in an overzealous tone, “How are<br />

YOU doing? I never see you, hear from<br />

you…” I was rather annoyed at first.<br />

As my journey through infertility<br />

progressed, however, I had a change of<br />

heart. I was actually moved by their gesture<br />

and show of concern. I pictured an<br />

overwhelmed mother of three, then<br />

four, stepping out of her own bubble<br />

and setting aside the time to inquire<br />

about her childless friend. I did feel like<br />

a charity project, but secretly found solace<br />

knowing that in a world so wrapped<br />

up in the whirlwind of motherhood,<br />

somebody on the inside cared enough<br />

to think about me. Additionally, I realized<br />

that I may be engaging in a greater<br />

charity project than she was in; she felt helpless, and by allowing<br />

her to reach out, I made her feel needed. Once I adopted that<br />

attitude, social interactions became so much easier, from everyday<br />

life to simchas and get-togethers of all sorts. And of course,<br />

once I discovered ATIME, I found the opportunity to become<br />

part of a circle where I felt I do belong. The various people I met,<br />

and the chizuk I received throughout this journey, gave me the<br />

confidence and proper perspective to survive. Furthermore, it<br />

helped me brave this storm with grace and tact.<br />

I lean closer to the<br />

candles, enveloped<br />

in its ambience<br />

of warmth<br />

and protection. It<br />

kindles new energy<br />

in my heart,<br />

and inspires me to<br />

forge ahead.<br />

Years have passed, and infertility has become a part of my<br />

life. There are times when I barely grant it a fleeting thought.<br />

As Chanukah approaches, I reflect on past Chanukahs that have<br />

held some of the coldest and darkest days of my life. I remember<br />

the Chanukah that should have been my due date. I recall the<br />

Chanukah that dashed my hopes, as we failed yet another crucial<br />

cycle. And here I sit yet again near<br />

the Chanukah candles, still childless.<br />

Yet, as cold and dark as those days were,<br />

I have still basked in the warmth and<br />

glow of the Chanukah licht.<br />

I lean closer to the candles, enveloped<br />

in its ambience of warmth and<br />

protection. It kindles new energy in my<br />

heart, and inspires me to forge ahead.<br />

Lighting another candle each day, I feel<br />

the presence of Hashem hovering over<br />

me.<br />

I utter a heartfelt prayer. Yet, I feel<br />

foolish to beseech Him. I feel no sense<br />

of entitlement, having somewhat shut<br />

down emotionally, which is affecting<br />

my davening and connection to Him.<br />

And now that I am hurting, I come running<br />

to Him? Why should He listen to<br />

me?<br />

As I sit in silent introspection, a<br />

thought flashes through my mind. My social life is a parable to<br />

my davening. Typically, I am shy and quiet, with no one giving<br />

me a second glance. Now that I am going through this challenge,<br />

though, I seem to get noticed all the time and am treated<br />

with sensitivity. So too, my davening may have been quiet. But<br />

now I am special. I am different. I have a special place in His<br />

heart. If my friends, whom I barely interacted with in the past,<br />

go to such great lengths to show they care, what is there to say<br />

about my Father in Heaven? He has been waiting for me for a<br />

long time.

Chizuk from Within<br />

By Yael Ehrenpreis Meyer<br />

A Sense of Belonging<br />


“Ijust know you are going to love it here…” the sugary voice of<br />

the real estate agent broke through my daydream, in which our<br />

future house featured prominently. “This yishuv is known for its warm<br />

and friendly atmosphere; there are several shuls to choose from; you’ll<br />

never find a house at this price so close to Yerushalayim; and the schools<br />

are some of the best in country.”<br />

My husband had known from the start that this was where he<br />

wanted to live: he had gone to yeshiva right nearby. Besides, his Australian<br />

country spirit had never been fully at peace in the city. Now it<br />

was up to me. I, on the other hand, had always lived in the city. I liked<br />

strolling down the busy boulevards, catching buses home after latenight<br />

events, and having the world within walking distance.<br />

I stood silently, gazing out at the glinting sunset reflected in the surrounding<br />

mountains’ embrace. I visualized the mikvah the olei regel<br />

years ago immersed in that stood just outside the town’s borders, imagined<br />

walking up the hill to a morning Tanach shiur at eight and then<br />

down at nine. I admired the array of head coverings on the women –<br />

bandanas, hats, scarves, sheitels – and the little boys – blue, white, black,<br />

intricately embroidered Yemenite designs. It was a sea of color – past,<br />

present and future – nestled within the stark green and brown peaks<br />

of Midbar Yehuda. I liked what I saw. “It’s perfect,” I said. “It’ll be home.”<br />

We moved in just before Pesach. I instantly loved my new house.<br />

And like any good relationship, it improved consistently with the time<br />

and efforts I put in, hanging pictures in the living room, planting impatiens<br />

and a real cherry tree in the front garden! My husband was welcomed<br />

in shul and soon had his makom kavua. The grocery lady quickly<br />

learned my name. And just as the real estate agent had promised, it was<br />

indeed the perfect place for raising children. There was just one problem:<br />

We didn’t have any.<br />

It wasn’t that we hadn’t noticed until then. The fact that we were<br />

already married for five years and had yet to be blessed with children<br />

was rather hard to ignore. But the city had been…well… the city. I never<br />

knew whether the couple across the hall had two kids or five or whether<br />

the noise over our heads came from a dozen kids under the age of ten<br />



47<br />

or teenage boarders who liked to party. On the yishuv, by contrast, I<br />

knew for a fact that of the 278 families living there, we were the only<br />

ones without a child. And just in case I wanted to forget, the reminders<br />

were constant: In response to my friendly greetings, my new neighbors<br />

would immediately inquire “ages and grades,” wanting to know at the<br />

outset which of their own children could play with mine. My warm<br />

“good mornings” stopped cold.<br />

I set out to shul on our second week. The grandmother in the next<br />

chair complimented me on my apparent diligence. “How impressive to<br />

see a young mother at shul. What a good example you must set for<br />

your children.” The following week, I davened at home. The local playground<br />

loomed teasingly just a few houses down – at once so near and<br />

yet so far away. I started taking the long way up to the bus stop.<br />

Two months after we arrived, the English-speakers’ email list announced<br />

the first-ever “women’s get-to-know-you” evening, designed<br />

to give all of us newcomers a chance to make friends. Finally, here was<br />

an opportunity to meet people that didn’t depend on one’s kids. I literally<br />

counted down the days until the big night arrived. I took my place<br />

and expectantly looked around at all the other people who would<br />

shortly become my friends. The organizer announced that we would<br />

go around and give each person a chance to introduce herself. I immediately<br />

began mentally planning my introductory speech; after all, I<br />

wanted to make a good first impression.<br />

“My name is Esther,” the first woman began, “I moved from Monsey<br />

three months ago with my husband and four children, aged 2, 4, 6, and<br />

8.” Linda was the next to speak: she was from Baltimore, had just had a<br />

baby, her third child, and celebrated her eldest’s fifth birthday. And she<br />

was an accountant.<br />

I was starting to sense a pattern. Apparently, “introducing yourself”<br />

meant listing your offspring. With growing uneasiness, I calculated how<br />

much longer it would be until my turn. The woman two seats away<br />

had just finished holding up a picture of her happy family of seven. I<br />

mumbled something about a burner left on – and ran. My poor husband<br />

was at a loss as to why his wife had returned from the much-anticipated<br />

party weeping. I, in turn, had to force myself to go to the next<br />

get-together. I was determined not to let my self-consciousness imprison<br />

me inside my very lovely home. Instead, I would go out and mingle<br />

− and feel part of everyone around me. In this I rarely succeeded.<br />

My neighbors couldn’t win. A Shabbos invitation meant they felt<br />

sorry for me. When no one invited us, I assumed that without kids we<br />

I was starting to sense a pattern. Apparently, "introducing<br />

yourself" meant listing your offspring.

I wished for conversations in which I could participate, but on<br />

the flip side, dreaded the self-conscious sense when others felt<br />

compelled to change the topic because of my presence.<br />


didn’t rate as desirable company. People who included me in conversation<br />

must be pitying me, and the range of topics in which I couldn’t<br />

join was a relentless reminder of my “difference.” I yearned for the<br />

anonymity and heterogeneity of the city. Sometimes I even yearned to<br />

return “home” – back to New York, where, I conjectured, the sense of<br />

belonging in my family would compensate for constantly feeling apart<br />

from my community.<br />

In calmer moments I realized that my neighbors couldn’t possibly<br />

do the right thing – because I myself wasn’t sure what the right thing<br />

was. Sometimes I wished that someone – anyone – would notice me<br />

standing by the sidelines at the Kiddush and, realizing how left out I felt,<br />

come over to sympathize. Other times I prayed to be treated just like<br />

everyone else. I wished for conversations in which I could participate,<br />

but on the flip side, dreaded the self-conscious sense when others felt<br />

compelled to change the topic because of my presence.<br />

On our first Simchas Torah, I insisted on going to shul. My husband<br />

didn’t have a choice, I reasoned, so why should I get to take the easy<br />

way out and stay home? Standing crowded amongst – yet miles away<br />

– from the other women, watching them watch their children dance,<br />

engendered a sense of pain that rose above the noise of the hakafos<br />

and threatened to engulf me entirely. I turned to leave. A neighbor<br />

tapped me on the shoulder. “Next year, b’ezras Hashem, yours will be<br />

dancing there too.” Then she was gone. I stayed.<br />

That summer marked two years since our move. In July, fifteen families<br />

in the neighborhood celebrated a new arrival. <strong>Our</strong> English-speaking<br />

women’s email list, already known as a ceaseless conduit for chesed and<br />

good-deed-doing, nearly exploded from the volume of communication<br />

as two-weeks’-worth of meals were arranged for each newly-expanded<br />

family. <strong>Our</strong> home was busy, too. We were traveling <strong>into</strong> Yerushalayim<br />

every other day for blood tests and ultrasounds, learning how to inject<br />

needles, and trying to understand the small print on strange drugs. It<br />

was our first attempt at a new procedure for infertility.<br />

The night before one segment of the procedure, we were walking<br />

home through the balmy night when I suddenly burst <strong>into</strong> tears.<br />

“What can I do for you?” my concerned husband pleaded. “Anything<br />

to make you feel better.”<br />

“I want… someone… to make me a meal,” I blurted out between<br />

sobs.<br />

“A meal,“ he repeated, more calmly, glad to have something concrete<br />

to do. “No problem, what kind? I’ll buy you any meal you like.”<br />

“I want a tuna sandwich…”<br />

He was relieved. “No problem – I’m on the case!”<br />

A fresh burst of sobs was the only response. “I don’t want you to buy<br />

it for me,” I finally explained. “I want someone to make a tuna sandwich<br />

for me.”<br />

“But how can anyone prepare a meal for you,” he asked, all too reasonably,<br />

“when no one knows what you’re going through?”<br />

His logic was wasted on me just then. But his words hid in the<br />

crevices of my memory where they gradually did induce a tectonic shift<br />

in my thinking. So it was, that several procedures later, I did something<br />

radical: I shared what we were going through with a neighbor. Three of<br />

them, to be precise. One had waited fourteen years to have a child; the<br />

other had eight children, yet always seemed to know the right thing to<br />

say; the third never asked me questions I couldn’t answer.<br />

Now my weeks of medical appointments were interjected with constant<br />

calls, visits and little “pick-me-up” gifts. On the day of another<br />

procedure, one of the three husbands volunteered to pick us from the<br />

fertility clinic an hour away. As he drove us home from our physically<br />

and emotionally enervating day, my husband dozed, but I was too<br />

pumped with adrenaline (or the wearing off of anesthesia) to sleep. I<br />

half-noticed our driver speaking softly <strong>into</strong> his phone. As we reached<br />

the entrance to the yishuv he got on the phone again. We pulled up in<br />

front of our house – where our other neighbor, father of eight, stood<br />

on our doorstep. He handed me a package. The label read, “soup,<br />

lasagna, chocolate cake, with all our love.” It was hot; fresh, just-out-ofthe-oven<br />

steaming hot.<br />

“What is this?” I asked.<br />

My neighbor, who had just devoted three hours to bringing us<br />

home, smiled. “We wanted you to have your homemade tuna sandwich.”<br />

For the first time that day, I wept.<br />

Nine months later – and eight years to the day my husband and I<br />


had gotten engaged – I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time.<br />

My daughter. I stared down in awe at the tiny human being who had<br />

made me a mother, and I was finally at peace. It was the second day of<br />

Sukkos and I knew immediately that I wanted my Sukkos baby to be<br />

named on her Yom Tov, with the day of Hoshana Rabba as my ideal<br />

time. Five days later, in the presence of family and friends, the Rav announced<br />

my baby’s name. My father, hearing his mother’s name bestowed<br />

upon his long-awaited granddaughter, wept. My husband, who<br />

had chosen the name, smiled.<br />

My mother, sisters, and I headed down to the immense communal<br />

sukkah in which our daughter’s Kiddush had been elegantly laid out by<br />

my neighbors. I approached the sukkah and paused. There was no<br />

room. The entire yishuv population, from what I could see, was squeezing<br />

themselves inside that sukkah, to celebrate the birth of my little girl.<br />

Despite the crowd, silence reigned as I spoke, explaining our daughter’s<br />

name, “Et-elle Emunah.” In addition to being a Hebrew form of<br />

her paternal grandmothers’ names, “Ethel” and “Erma,” her name could<br />

also be translated both as “a time for faith in Hashem” – a concept<br />

that resonated with every individual who had ever had to wait for their<br />

prayers to be answered in the right time – and “a time for Hashem’s<br />

faith in us,” referring, I explained, to the moment when Hashem<br />

chooses to place his faith on us and give us the gift that makes us parents.<br />

My daughter had become a star. Cars would stop short alongside<br />

me as I pushed her in her carriage (Me! Pushing a baby down the<br />

street); the mayor, the security chief, the rebbetzin – everyone was constantly<br />

asking how she was. Invitations to simchas included a special<br />

“Of course Etelle is also invited,“ notation. Yes, my daughter had become<br />

a celebrity – and I had arrived. I finally belonged!<br />

Two years have now passed. The euphoria has faded, to be replaced<br />

by reality. It’s a voyage of discovery, in which I have found out firsthand<br />

how wondrous it is to watch a child’s mind at work. I discerned,<br />

too, that I cherish aspects of motherhood other parents seem not even<br />

to notice: The excitement of Gan pick-up time (that call of “My Ima!”<br />

is directed at me!); her school birthday party (We showed up with both<br />

camera and camcorder in tow.); tiny dresses hanging out to dry. (“Who<br />

knew wet laundry could be such a source of nachas?” my husband<br />

commented.)<br />

On this voyage of exploration, I’ve discovered, too, that my heart is<br />

still fit enough to turn a few near-perfect cartwheels at the sight of my<br />

neighbor’s newborn, as my daughter keeps growing (I’m not jealous,<br />

I’m just...); that while I now have my own chevrah to schmooze with<br />

at the park, they still discuss homework, PTA, and sleepovers – issues<br />

I cannot yet contribute to.<br />

And, slowly, it dawned on me that having crossed the bridge from<br />

infertility to motherhood didn’t guarantee me a free entry <strong>into</strong> society.<br />

I have to enter at my own free will, and realize that I don’t have to fit<br />

the mold to be there.<br />

If I choose to compare myself and focus on catching up to others,<br />

I will constantly be chasing the elusive “ideal life” I had envisioned.<br />

There’s no point in pushing time, in trying to achieve a milestone, because<br />

life is not a race. While we have no control over our destiny, we<br />

do have control on how we handle it.<br />

The best gift I could’ve given myself is to realize that there’s no<br />

magic wand to happiness or belonging. The power is within me, and<br />

in no way contingent on external circumstances.<br />


49<br />

“Nobody can make you feel inferior<br />

without your consent.<br />

– Eleanor Roosevelt<br />


Chizuk from Within<br />

Interview<br />

One of my favorite quotes from the ATIME boards is “A friendship is born at the moment when one person says<br />

to another, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’” –C.S. Lewis. This, in essence, is one of the most vital<br />

lifelines that ATIME provides for their couples: friendships that are created from the sturdy bonds of sharing a painful situation<br />

with another person who really understands. One of the most helpful things to hear when you are suffering is that<br />

you are not alone. ATIME gives their couples a hand to hold during their entire, often difficult, journey of infertility.<br />

Below is a candid interview between “Chevie Shiffrin” and “Naomi Sacks” that offers insight, advice, a touch of humor,<br />

and a strong dose of chizuk to anyone going through this nisayon. Naomi went through eight years of infertility, in which<br />

many had not believed that she will ever conceive, after which she was miraculously blessed with a daughter.<br />


Chevy: <strong>Infertility</strong> is not easy. Yet, there are different degrees<br />

of hardship within this challenge. What did you find<br />

are the more difficult aspects of infertility?<br />

Naomi: <strong>Infertility</strong> presents many difficulties, especially<br />

to us living in frum communities where it is the norm that<br />

everyone has a lot of children all the time, and there are<br />

constant reminders of our lack. One has a baby, the next<br />

one is pregnant, and we end up feeling out of the loop so<br />

often.<br />

Another aspect is that growing up in the Bais Yaakov<br />


By Chevie Shiffrin<br />


51<br />

world, I was taught that my tafkid in this world is to be a<br />

mother, a link in the chain of our mesorah for the next generation,<br />

and when I did not follow in this predetermined<br />

pattern, it hurt to wonder what my tafkid may be; it was<br />

hard to accept that the Higher plan is not what I had had<br />

been trained for as a teenager, and as difficult as it is, to live<br />

each day to its fullest while taking this alternate route in<br />

life’s journey.<br />

C: On the flip side of the coin, tell me about one thing<br />

you feel you’ve gained from this challenge.<br />

N: Although I would never choose this independence, my<br />

husband and I had the luxury of just getting up and traveling<br />

together whenever we felt like doing it. Besides for<br />

which we had the opportunity to get to know each other<br />

so much better and on a more meaningful level than couples<br />

who have kids right away and get distracted from each<br />

other. Also, in hindsight, I feel that I became a more understanding<br />

and sensitive person and more accepting of other<br />

people. I firmly believe that infertility has changed me, as a<br />

person, for the better.<br />

C: What was one circumstance that was very hard to find<br />

yourself in, and how did you respond to it?<br />

N: Throughout my journey I had a lot of friends going<br />

through infertility, and then each moved on and I was left<br />

feeling very lonely. It hurt each time anew.<br />

One very close friend got married after me and had a<br />

baby boy before me. I remember how I couldn’t stay inside<br />

during the bris, and I ran out crying. At that point it was<br />

too painful for me to witness my friend’s simcha. Baruch<br />

Hashem, the bris took place in the same building as my<br />

workplace was, and I just dove <strong>into</strong> my work. I knew that if<br />

I would think about it, it would be too hard for me to deal<br />

with. You have to know yourself and try not to put yourself<br />

<strong>into</strong> a situation that is too much for you to handle.<br />

I would also like to mention something of importance: I<br />

went for therapy for a year and a half, because I was having<br />

a very hard time dealing with this challenge, and found it<br />

most helpful. I strongly encourage others who feel helpless<br />

or too weak to handle it on their own not to hesitate to go<br />

for therapy, as it can be very beneficial.<br />

C: Can you share the funniest comment you ever got?<br />

N: Two of my weirdest comments actually came from the<br />

same person, in the same conversation! It was around Rosh<br />

Hashana time and a woman told me about a segula to eat<br />

nuts or hang a shaitel on a tree or something absurd like<br />

that. In the same breath, she asked if we ever thought of<br />

adopting, and confidently claimed that she heard that if<br />

you adopt you become pregnant right away. The logic behind<br />

it took the cake: Because once the stress of trying to<br />

start a family is taken off of you, your body is relaxed and<br />

it’s that much easier to conceive.<br />

C: Oh my! How did you respond to that?<br />

N: (laughing) I said, “That’s nice but I have to go now.”<br />

C: What was your approach to living in a frum, “child oriented”<br />

community?<br />

N: My husband and I really worked hard to stay in the<br />

community and remain an integral part of it. We live out<br />

of town and tried to be “out there” and help others in similar<br />

circumstances understand that they are not the only<br />

ones going through infertility. By helping others we really<br />

helped ourselves. I encourage all of you to try to be a voice<br />

for people going through infertility; it really gave us the<br />

strength to overcome this hardship.<br />

The Shabbaton! It was my lifeline. Starting six months<br />

preceding it, I already did a mental countdown.

Chizuk from Within<br />

There’s a light at end of tunnel, and though you can’t determine<br />

what that light is right now, know that it is prepared for you.<br />


C: How did your husband deal with infertility?<br />

N: He didn’t have as much of an issue with it; ever practical,<br />

he knew we’d have a child, or else we’d do our best to<br />

adopt. It hurt him plenty, but he’s a happy person and he<br />

tried to accept his challenges with equanimity. He’s a<br />

teacher and loves to interact with the children. Lovingly,<br />

he viewed his students as his own children and that also<br />

helped him get through this.<br />

C: And now for the much debated question: What was<br />

your approach to sharing information with your parents<br />

and in-laws?<br />

N: We tended not to talk about it to either of our parents<br />

and Baruch Hashem, our parents were respectful, so we basically<br />

never discussed it.<br />

C: Yom Tov and family gatherings often highlight our<br />

pain, and can prove to be difficult for couples going<br />

through infertility. How did you prepare yourself for them?<br />

N: We tried to have a lot of guests, which was helpful until<br />

the years that the guests brought many children (at which<br />

point we invited other guests). We tried to enjoy Yom Tov<br />

and did whatever we could to keep our minds off having<br />

children, so we could focus on the beauty and spirituality<br />

of Yom Tov and not on what we didn’t have. Family gatherings<br />

weren’t too bad; we liked being surrounded by our<br />

nieces and nephews, and we never dreaded it.<br />

C: Wow, what a healthy approach!<br />

C: How did you handle intrusive questions?<br />

N: I confess to being blunt. I had no problem saying, “It’s<br />

none of your business.” But, (laughs) if I knew it would really<br />

throw them off, I would even tell them the truth! (Only<br />

about me, not about my husband) and then people would<br />

regret their inappropriate questions.<br />

C: Did your employer know what you were dealing with?<br />

N: Yes. I’m an open person. When we started going for<br />

infertility treatment, I was completely honest with her, and<br />

for the most part she was really supportive.<br />

C: What is one way that ATIME has helped you through<br />

this nisayon?<br />

N: The Shabbaton! It was my lifeline. Starting six months<br />

preceding it, I already did a mental countdown. “I can manage<br />

because it’s only four more months until the Shabbaton,”<br />

I would tell myself. There were so many amazing<br />

people year after year whose presence and words of wisdom<br />

I really appreciated. And then it kept me going for the<br />

six months thereafter. I would think, “I might be going<br />

through something really hard, but I remember so-and-so<br />

from the Shabbaton and she went through something even<br />

harder, or I remember what that Rav said etc…” The Shabbaton<br />

really carried me straight through the year.<br />

C: What is a piece of chizuk that has helped you and can<br />

perhaps benefit others going through a similar situation?<br />

N: There was so much that kept me going, but I’ll zero in<br />

on one thing: Every Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur I would<br />

daven and say that we are Banim L’Hashem – children to<br />

Hashem, and I would take chizuk from the fact that no father<br />

would make a child suffer so long; that eventually<br />

something will alleviate our suffering, whether we will<br />

adopt a child, or have one naturally, or not have children–<br />

but learn to accept that wholeheartedly. I davened and I<br />

believed that somehow Hashem would help us to have the<br />

koach to continue on.<br />

I also focused on surrounding myself with inspirational<br />

friends and with a lot of chizuk so that I would be able to<br />

be strong in the face of all I was going through.<br />

C: Within our general nisayon, we each have harder days<br />

and easier days. What are some good “pick me up” ideas<br />

that worked for you when you experiencing a day when<br />

you felt down?<br />


N: I liked to take up new hobbies, and when I got bored<br />

of one, I would take up a new one. At one point when<br />

things got really bad, I started swimming regularly. I found<br />

it helpful to have some type of physical activity to throw<br />

myself <strong>into</strong> and vent all my frustration in.<br />

I found traveling fun and recreational, and lots of chocolate<br />

is awesome! I also went back to school and excelled,<br />

which aside from keeping me busy, left me feeling accomplished<br />

and motivated. One of the hardest times of the day<br />

for me was when husband went to shul and it was quiet at<br />

home, so during those hours I busied myself with my studies.<br />

Every individual is different and, of course, what works<br />

for one, doesn’t work for all, so every person needs to do<br />

what works best for her.<br />

C: What is some advice that you’d give to friends or relatives<br />

of someone going through infertility?<br />

N: 1. Don’t complain about your children or schmooze<br />

about your kids too much, and please don’t compare your<br />

hard situations to ours or try to make us feel that you understand<br />

what we are going through.<br />

2. Be sensitive about our privacy. Don’t share with others<br />

what has been shared with you.<br />

3. Don’t be nosy or overly aggressive. If there’s something<br />

we’d like to share with you, we will; and if we don’t,<br />

please don’t pry.<br />

C: Is there any special message you’d like to share with our<br />

readers?<br />

N: Whether you live in Timbuktu, Eretz Yisroel, or anywhere<br />

else in the world, people have been through this<br />

nisayon before and you are not alone. There’s a light at end<br />

of tunnel, and though you can’t determine what that light<br />

is right now, know that it is prepared for you. <strong>Our</strong> daughter<br />

is our light; we never thought that she would be a reality<br />

and Baruch Hashem she is. Please try to find joy other than<br />

having a child. Keep trying and daven, but expand your<br />

horizon to include all sorts of joys.<br />

C: Wow! Thank you so much, Naomi. This has been so enlightening<br />

and helpful! One final question: Can you name<br />

just two pieces of advice for someone who is going through<br />

infertility?<br />

N: 1. Don’t get stuck in a hard place. Take a break; try a<br />

different doctor; don’t give up; try something new, or let<br />

yourself off the hook for a bit. You will come back refreshed<br />

and ready to try again, and something new will invigorate<br />

you.<br />

2. You’re not alone; even if you think you are, remember<br />

that you are never alone. There are so many people out<br />

there who are willing and able to help you. Don’t hesitate<br />

to reach out.<br />

C: And of course a terrific source of guidance and support<br />

is ATIME, which has a host of wonderful individuals<br />

who “have been there and done that”, people who understand,<br />

who care, and who really want to help you. Thank<br />

you again Naomi; you have been a source of chizuk and inspiration<br />

for us all.<br />


53<br />

“If you learn from your suffering, and really<br />

come to understand the lesson you were taught,<br />

you might be able to help someone else who’s<br />

now in the phase you have just completed.<br />

Maybe that’s what it’s all about after all.

Chizuk from Within<br />

Y. Halpert<br />

The Storm<br />

I sit alone<br />

Although many are around me<br />

My lips smile, my heart tries to follow<br />

The conversation flows around the table<br />

I listen to my comrades relating<br />

And dare to dream<br />

That in the near future, I will be the one<br />

To recount with Nachas<br />

Words from a sweet toddler<br />

One I can call my own.<br />

My eyes are open<br />

Yet don’t see those nearby<br />

Only distant times and faraway places.<br />

I entertain a vision<br />

Of my hands cradling<br />

And my heart overflowing with love<br />

An image that heartens and buoys me<br />

To continue swimming<br />

Towards a port which is out of sight.<br />


A friend grins to me from across the table<br />

Her eyes understand<br />

Her heart is longing too<br />

She expresses words of encouragement<br />

Words that embrace my yearning heart.<br />

And when another powerful wave<br />

Is on the horizon<br />

We clutch hands, duck our heads<br />

And brave the challenge together,<br />

And now I am no longer alone.<br />


Support<br />

Power of<br />

Emotions<br />


We all enjoy feeling happy, loved and trusting.<br />

However, in our journey of life and specifically<br />

infertility, we must also learn how to swim in the often<br />

stormy ocean of emotions which we all experience in response<br />

to the fears, failures, frustrations and disappointments<br />

we face. We do not want to be consumed with<br />

anxiety, sadness or anger. But what do we do<br />

with these feelings when they arise, as they<br />

do in normal people? Few of us can reach the<br />

level of those saintly souls who have been<br />

through terrible tragedies and never complained<br />

or even cried. How much importance<br />

should we give to our feelings? How much<br />

should we share with others? When should we<br />

simply “soldier on” and keep our feelings to ourselves?<br />

I don’t like applying the terms ‘positive’ and<br />

‘negative’ to emotions, because the conclusion which many<br />

people draw is, “I’m good only if I feel good emotions, like<br />

joy, faith and love and I’m bad if I feel bad emotions, like<br />

sadness, anger or fear.” Since we all feel these bad emotions<br />

at times, this belief can leave us feeling ashamed of our normal<br />

human feelings and our inability to eliminate them entirely.<br />

After all, even a saintly person is described as having<br />

“a cheerful countenance, even when his heart is grieving”<br />

(Chovos HaLevavos, Sha’ar HaPrishus, chapter 4, p. 309, Feldheim<br />

Publishers).<br />

A far more compassionate approach is to think of feelings<br />

as either connecting us or isolating us from Hashem or<br />

man. Using this approach, any emotion can be used<br />

in a constructive or destructive manner. For example,<br />

if Chani expresses anxiety about undergoing a<br />

new treatment and receives comforting empathy<br />

or helpful advice, then anxiety is a connecting emotion.<br />

If Devorah feels guilty for not being able to<br />

fully share in the simcha when her younger sister<br />

gives birth and asks Hashem for help to change<br />

this behavior, then guilt is a connecting emotion.<br />

If, due to fear of illness, Moshe decides to exercise<br />

and avoid junk food, then fear is a connecting<br />

emotion. If Yehudis hurts Miriam’s feelings and, after<br />

seeing Miriam’s pained expression, Yehudis apologizes sincerely<br />

and promises not to repeat that behavior, then<br />

Miriam’s expression of hurt enhances the relationship.<br />

However, if Miriam blames Yehudis and others around her<br />

for being the cause of all her pain, numbs herself with addictive<br />

habits or wastes time ruminating about things and<br />

people over which she has no control, then fear and anger<br />


It does not allow us to take the time we need to adjust<br />

to a loss, to avoid certain people, to get more active, to<br />

take a break or examine that the beliefs which we are<br />

holding onto may be the source of our pain.<br />


57<br />

isolate Miriam from people, Hashem and from his essential<br />

Divine nature.<br />

Even happiness can be isolating, if it means denying reality<br />

and avoiding dealing with painful issues that need to<br />

be addressed. People dealing with infertility, unhappy<br />

marriages, singlehood, chronic illness or<br />

other major difficulties are likely to be attacked by<br />

the self-appointed “happiness cops” — the people<br />

who go around telling everyone to “Cheer<br />

up! Count your blessings” or in a scolding voice<br />

say, “Where is your faith? Hashem wants you<br />

to be happy no matter what.” If you have the<br />

audacity to express a feeling they don’t like,<br />

it’s like they get out their guns and shoot<br />

down those “bad” emotions and then go<br />

blithely on their way, as you are left feeling even<br />

more bruised and battered than before. Their one-upmanship<br />

(“I’m better than you because I never feel sad”) is not<br />

only obnoxious, but this suppressive approach is harmful<br />

to our physical, emotional and spiritual health. It does not<br />

allow us to take the time we need to adjust to a loss, to<br />

avoid certain people, to get more active, to take a break or<br />

examine that the beliefs which we are holding onto may<br />

be the source of our pain. It is quite exhausting<br />

to have to plant a plastic smile on our<br />

faces at all times in order to avoid being “ticketed”<br />

by a happiness cop. If our feelings help<br />

us connect to Hashem and the people around<br />

us, then even the so-called “negative emotions”<br />

will serve a positive purpose. According to the<br />

Myers-Briggs personality system, people can be<br />

categorized as Feelers or Thinkers. Although we<br />

are all a combination of both, those with strong<br />

Feeling tendencies (60% women, 40% men) have<br />

a great interest in and concern for their feelings and a<br />

strong need to share these feelings, either verbally or in creative<br />

endeavors. They need frequent reassurances of love<br />

and gestures of concern and appreciation. They may not<br />

function effectively when their emotions are intense. In<br />

contrast, Thinking types (60% men, 40% women) are less<br />

interested in the world of emotions and may think it is a<br />

waste of time to hear about others’ feelings. They have an<br />

easier time disconnecting from their feelings, making decisions<br />

which may hurt others’ feelings and are adept at<br />

performing under pressure and showing a<br />

“cool” and imperturbable face to the world.<br />

They dislike sharing personal information and<br />

may be irritated by those who do. Although<br />

they may become enraged about issues which<br />

concern them, especially incompetence or lack<br />

of respect, they are often unaware of their effect<br />

on others. Thinkers may view Feelers as hyper sensitive,<br />

immature, self-pitying and crazy, while Feelers<br />

often view Thinkers as uncaring, insensitive and even<br />

cruel. Certainly, the Thinking types have an easier<br />

time in life, being less bothered by intense feelings and getting<br />

praise for their ability to function under attack and<br />

stay cool when pressured. Society encourages people to be<br />

stoic, keep a stiff upper lip and show only positive feelings.<br />

Early in life, many learn the bitter truth — “Laugh and the<br />

world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.” And<br />

yet, without the sharing of feelings, we cannot form<br />

emotional bonds. In fact, the word for feeling,<br />

regesh, is the same words as bridge, gesher. The<br />

challenge for Feeling types is to learn how to feel<br />

their feelings without falling <strong>into</strong> self-pity or despair,<br />

while Thinking types must learn to identify<br />

and validate their feelings in order to be more<br />

humane. Mental health requires that we strike<br />

a balance between these two opposite needs.<br />

In the world of infertility, there are times when<br />

we need to express our feelings and listen empathically<br />

to our spouses, and other times when we need to put<br />

our feelings aside, focus on the practical things that need<br />

to happen, be good soldiers, and function with discomfort.<br />

We fail to remember that we all feel different emotions at<br />

different times. We are not good or bad depending on the

Support<br />

Without the sharing of feelings, we cannot form<br />

emotional bonds. In fact, the word for feeling, regesh,<br />

is the same words as bridge, gesher.<br />

emotions that we feel. We are human and are good or bad<br />

depending on how we channel our emotions, whatever<br />

they may be.<br />

We see different responses to suffering in the Torah as<br />

well. For example: “It grieved Hashem in His heart”<br />

(Bereshis 1:6) is grieving a loss: “I am nothing in her<br />

eyes” (Sarai to Avram, about Hagar, Bereshis 5:15)<br />

and “Give me children. If not, I am dead.” (Rachel<br />

to Yaakov, Bereshis 30:1) is expressing pain. “And<br />

Yaakov was silent.” (Bereshis 34:5) is maintaining<br />

stoic silence. “And Yaakov was afraid and divided<br />

the camp.” (Bereshis 32:8) “Even if you see the<br />

donkey of someone you hate, help it.” (Shmos<br />

23:5) is taking positive action. “You shall love<br />

the Lord your G-d.” (Devarim 6:4) and “Take<br />

care of the stranger, orphan and widow” (Devarim<br />

24:19) is arousing positive feelings:<br />

Many people find it easier to deny, trivialize or ignore<br />

their own feelings. However, by suppressing our feelings,<br />

we miss the messages they want to convey. Even if we do<br />

try to suppress our feelings, they find a way of<br />

getting our attention, often in addictions or<br />

stress-related symptoms, such as teeth grinding,<br />

insomnia, headaches or digestive upsets.<br />

Inevitably, the accumulation of angry feelings<br />

bursts forth when our “nerve resistance” is low,<br />

such as when we are over-tired, anxious, hungry<br />

or in distress.<br />

Feelings are like children. Often, they are more<br />

in touch with the truth than we want to realize. On<br />

the other hand, our feelings can also distort and exaggerate,<br />

turning minor irritations <strong>into</strong> major upsets. Like<br />

doctors, we often misdiagnose our feelings, working ourselves<br />

up with excessive drama and self-pity or down-playing<br />

truly serious events. We can and should feel whatever<br />

we are feeling — the anxiety, grief and outrage which are<br />

normal in times of loss and pain. But then we can gently<br />

put these feelings to good use. When I, myself, am in distress,<br />

I take out my journal and write to Hashem, asking<br />

Him for help. Then I put a Magic Marker in my left hand,<br />

and write down the words I would want to hear<br />

from Him — love, comfort, understanding,<br />

praise, trust and hope. I know that I will never<br />

be like the Klausenberger Rebbe (see Feldheim<br />

press), who lost his wife and all eleven children<br />

in the holocaust, but not his indomitable spirit.<br />

In one of the concentration camps in which he<br />

was imprisoned, he refused to leave his bunker<br />

one Simchas Torah, which provoked a terrible<br />

beating by the Nazi brutes, y.sh, who beat him<br />

mercilessly and left him for dead. When his comrades<br />

returned, they were shocked to find him alive,<br />

limping around a little stool with a torn fragment of a<br />

Gemara, singing his favorite nigunnim and celebrating his<br />

love for Torah. His body was imprisoned and in pain, but<br />

his spirit was free. Even if I never reach this exalted<br />

level of faith, I am grateful that my own losses have<br />

brought me to Yiddishkeit and to a level of understanding<br />

and sensitivity that I would never have<br />

had without them.<br />

Just as we make blessings on the food we eat,<br />

thereby liberating the sparks of kedusha which<br />

are within the food, we liberate the sparks of<br />

kedusha inherent in the difficulties Hashem<br />

sends us. At times when we are feeling sad,<br />

depressed or anxious, instead of putting ourselves<br />

down for feeling this way, we should simply acknowledge<br />

that there are more sparks of kedusha which need to<br />

be liberated at this time in our lives.<br />

(Adapted from Miriam Adahan’s book, You Are a Jewel)<br />


58<br />

“Control your emotions, or they will<br />

control you.

Support<br />

Daunting<br />

Dilemmas<br />

Q<br />

: When it comes to social events, such as class reunions, parties, or family gatherings, I often feel like just staying<br />

home. I know exactly how awkward I’ll feel sitting there as everyone catches up on their news and carries conversations<br />

centered on pregnancies and their kids, of course. Although generally, I am able to stay upbeat and positive, events<br />

like these leave me feeling so down and desperate. However, I am afraid that avoiding such functions will make me even<br />

more isolated and entirely jeopardize my social life. Do I need to push myself to attend, or is it more important for me to<br />

tune <strong>into</strong> my emotions and do what’s comfortable for me then? Any insight?<br />


A<br />

:I commend you on your ability for the most part<br />

to stay upbeat and positive while riding the emotional<br />

rollercoaster of infertility. It is a great accomplishment<br />

to maintain an optimistic attitude even on the day-to-day<br />

ride. Your dilemma reflects your mature and balanced reasoning.<br />

On the one hand, when you attend social events<br />

such as class reunions and family get-togethers, where the<br />

discussions often revolve around child-centered topics, you<br />

tend to feel awkward and uncomfortable. These occasions<br />

accentuate your lack, and deeply affect your mood. On the<br />

other hand, your question demonstrates that you are aware<br />

of the negative consequences that you may experience by<br />

avoiding these gatherings.<br />

First of all, I would like to differentiate between class reunions<br />

and family gatherings and parties. Although they<br />

are similar in some ways, I feel they should not be lumped<br />

<strong>into</strong> the same category. Even the term class reunion is<br />

vague. Are you referring to informal gatherings of classmates<br />

during the summer or on Shabbos/Yomtov? Or are<br />

you referring to the exciting for most - but dreaded by others<br />

- formal reunion that occurs once every few years. I feel<br />

those class reunions are in a “class” of their own. They are<br />

generally planned with fanfare and hype and can be very<br />

painful for those classmates whose lives have not “followed<br />

the plan” dreamed about in high school.<br />

You did not choose to experience the challenge of infertility.<br />

As much as you are obligated to try and grow from<br />

the journey, your fellow classmates are obligated to display<br />

upmost sensitivity to your situation. In fact, I will share that<br />

the wonderful class representatives of my high school class<br />

felt uncomfortable planning a typically celebrated reunion<br />

because they were concerned it would be to painful for the<br />


You are correct in assuming that getting <strong>into</strong> the habit of<br />

avoiding family reunions will foster a vicious cycle of anxiety and<br />

only make it far more difficult to attend subsequent occasions.<br />


61<br />

single and divorced girls in my class. After much deliberation, they<br />

chose to forgo the reunion and substituted it with a tzedaka project<br />

in the form of a mailing. Although I am not advocating that every<br />

grade adopt this practice, I am highlighting the great effort that must<br />

be taken to minimize another’s pain. It is understandable if attending<br />

such a reunion feels too daunting and you choose to skip the party.<br />

However, if you do decide to attend, it is helpful to bear in mind that<br />

many of your classmates may not have the “ideal life” we often fantasize<br />

is being lived by “everyone else.” You may come home surprised<br />

and enlightened that the stars of the high school play, are not<br />

necessarily leading the roles they would have scripted.<br />

With regard to informal class gatherings, it is also difficult to respond<br />

with a general answer. As human beings, we share an intrinsic<br />

need to interact and feel connected. However, as individuals, we all<br />

crave different degrees of social stimulation. Although I do not know<br />

you personally, from your question, it seems that you value relationships<br />

with your friends and family. Can you choose to reach out and<br />

stay connected to those friends that you feel are most sensitive and<br />

mature; those you have shared common interests with in the past?<br />

Perhaps you will feel more at ease getting together with a small<br />

group or even one friend at a time. It is sometimes helpful to find<br />

one friend you are especially comfortable to communicate with, and<br />

express some of the comments or actions you find most difficult to<br />

deal with. Often, friends are more affected by the situation then we<br />

can possibly imagine. They walk on eggshells, and as we know, when<br />

we are insecure and unconfident, we end up saying and doing awkward<br />

things that horrify us. I pride myself on being a sensitive person,<br />

and I sometimes find myself saying “my mother” every second word,<br />

when talking to my close friend who lost both her parents at a young<br />

age. Taking the time to thank your friends that make the extra effort<br />

to stay connected and maintain a close friendship is a very powerful<br />

tool. Your cue will set the stage for success and give you and your<br />

friends the confidence and conviction that your friendship can withstand<br />

the temporary differences in your stages of life.<br />

Although I know I am preaching to the choir, as you reached out<br />

to A TIME with your questions, I cannot emphasize enough the<br />

value of drawing strength from those experiencing infertility with<br />

you. The empathy and understanding that can only emerge from<br />

those who “stand in your shoes” will give you courage to keep up<br />

ties with your old school friends, and new friends as well such as<br />

neighbors and workmates.<br />

With regard to family, Simchos and gatherings can be the source<br />

of the greatest hurt and pain for those experiencing infertility. As<br />

Yidden especially, both immediate and extended family play a<br />

tremendous role in our lives. We are therefore, most vulnerable with<br />

family, because we rely on them so much for physical and emotional<br />

support. It is important to recognize how much we are impacted by<br />

our family relationships. Even children, who experienced traumatic<br />

or severely abusive childhoods, have tremendous difficulty severing<br />

bonds with the members who mistreated them. I state this to emphasize<br />

that it is far from simple to cut ties with family members.<br />

You are correct in assuming that getting <strong>into</strong> the habit of avoiding<br />

family reunions will foster a vicious cycle of anxiety and only make<br />

it far more difficult to attend subsequent occasions.<br />

Often, because we feel so tense about anxiety-provoking situations<br />

we get trapped <strong>into</strong> an all or nothing negative thinking mode<br />

and feel utterly helpless. <strong>Our</strong> brain distorts reality, sending us messages<br />

such as “In my situation, it is impossible for me to enjoy myself,<br />

and there is nothing I can do about it!” True, one cannot “borrow a<br />

baby” before a simcha and alleviate the infertility. However, forarmed<br />

is for-warned. As I stated previously, there are some strategies<br />

that can be implemented to make the situation more bearable at<br />

the least, and hopefully somewhat enjoyable. It can be helpful to<br />

choose a specific family member that you feel most at ease with and<br />

plan to spend most of the time with her. If there is something specific<br />

that bothers you, you can share it with her and leave her the job of<br />

relaying it to others. It can also help to literally prepare topics of conversation<br />

for quiet moments, and prepared lines for those awkward<br />

comments that tend to slip out of the mouths of little cousins, siblings,<br />

nieces and nephews. Take the time and envision yourself responding<br />

gracefully or changing the topic, instead of (over)reacting<br />

and then feeling mortified. A good sense of humor and an attitude<br />

of acceptance and understanding that people generally have our<br />

best interest in mind can make all the difference.<br />

I do not mean to minimize the searing pain that comments can<br />

evoke; especially when they come from adults that are close to us<br />

or who we feel “should know better.” It takes a high level of tolerance<br />

and faith to recognize that people are only messengers, and all the<br />

specific discomfort is part of the unique challenge tailor-made for<br />

each and every individual. The self awareness you seem to possess<br />

is vital. Sometimes, we are obligated to nurture our emotional health<br />

and choose to refrain from attending specific events that we know<br />

will be unbearable. However, if you feel that it is too painful to attend<br />

family events in general, I encourage you to speak to a Rav or<br />

mentor that can advise you personally.<br />

Finally, my bracha to you, that in the zchus of your determination<br />

and strength, may you be zoche to attend future reunions, parties<br />

and gatherings with full hands and a full heart!<br />

Rivky Bertram, LSW

Support<br />

By Chevie Shiffrin<br />

How to Treat Yourself<br />

After a Loss<br />


1. Be kind to yourself and spoil yourself a bit. This includes buying<br />

that new book you wanted; taking a walk; going for a manicure;<br />

eating out with your husband or by yourself; indulging in an expensive<br />

chocolate bar; going to an interesting shiur; or joining an exercise<br />

group...whatever floats your boat and makes you feel (even if<br />

only a little bit) better.<br />

2. Listen to yourself: If you feel like you need to rest or need to<br />

cut off contact with the world for a few days or a few hours a day,<br />

if you feel you need to take some time off from work or perhaps<br />

work a few extra hours, follow your heart. Listen to yourself as long<br />

as it is temporary. Anything excessive, like more than a few days of<br />

no worldly contact, can be a sign of depression. But if you just need<br />

a bit of time, hear yourself out and indulge!<br />

3. Don’t forget your husband! He has also suffered a loss. Check<br />

in with him. Maybe he’d also like an iced coffee that you were about<br />

to buy for yourself...buy him one too! Maybe he, too, needs a little<br />

time “off”; give him some space. Maybe he wants to join you for<br />

an evening stroll. Don’t try to brave this alone. Let him be there<br />

for you and make sure to be there for him. Something like this can<br />

contribute to breaking or building a marriage. Let it build yours<br />

through open and honest communication. Talk to each other<br />

about your feelings and needs and be good to each other; you only<br />

stand to gain.<br />

4. Lose any newly gained weight. That weight will be a constant<br />

reminder of what has happened. Lose it. And once it’s off, buy yourself<br />

something new to celebrate.<br />

5. It’s okay to cry. (It’s not okay to languish in bed for weeks on<br />

end not eating, drinking, or sleeping; just sobbing all day. These are<br />

signs of depression.) Within reason, tears are good and healthy. Cry<br />

and (secret!) it’s okay for your husband to cry too. A loss is deeply<br />

disappointing and witnessing the end of a potential dream that almost<br />

was is so painful. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and... allow<br />

yourself to heal. It’s okay to cry, but it’s also okay to laugh and smile.<br />

6. It’s okay to laugh. Try to find some humor in the situation, and<br />

look for reasons to be happy and hopeful.<br />

7. Above all, don’t forget Who is in charge. Daven. Daven. Daven.<br />

Of course, you should daven to formally, but you should daven informally,<br />

as well. When you cry, direct your tears as tefillos and pour<br />

your heart out to the only One who can really help you. Keep the<br />

lines of communication between you and Hashem open and honest.<br />

Tell Hashem how much you are hurting, and how much you<br />

want to heal, physically, emotionally, and spiritually; and daven for<br />

another chance. Remember that He is always there for you in every<br />

way.<br />


Medical<br />

Optimizing Male Fertility<br />

Peter N. Schlegel, M.D.; James J. Colt Professor & Chairman of Urology,<br />

Weill Cornell Medical College, New York, NY<br />

One of the most common questions that a couple attempting<br />

to conceive will ask is, "What can I do to enhance<br />

my fertility/chance of conception?" Exposure of testes to<br />

excessive heat, whether recreational (hot tubs, saunas/Jacuzzis) or<br />

occupational (welders, bakers, sedentary jobs with extensive seating<br />

[drivers, office workers]) should be limited because heating of<br />

the testes decreases sperm production.<br />

Patients are also often interested in the relationship between<br />

exercise and male fertility. Although a sedentary lifestyle may impair<br />

sperm production, it's not clear how much exercise is helpful.<br />

It is evident that men who have excessive physical activity, where<br />

exercise extends more than 90 minutes per<br />

day (studied in runners training for<br />

marathons) may actually have lower sperm<br />

production than men with more moderate<br />

activity.<br />

The nutritional choices of a man are<br />

worth considering. Fortunately, this is an<br />

area where some research has been done<br />

at least a few rationale recommendations<br />

can be made. We know that there are clear<br />

effects of male obesity on sperm production<br />

and fertility. An overweight male has<br />

several things going against him from a fertility<br />

standpoint. First of all, the extra fat on<br />

the thighs and genital region of an obese<br />

male cause the testes to be closer to body temperature, heating<br />

the testes (that need to be at least 4 degrees cooler than the rest<br />

of the body) and decreasing sperm production. In addition to the<br />

local heat effects of obesity, the extra fat affects hormone balance<br />

in a male. Testosterone (the major male hormone) is excessively<br />

converted to estrogens (female hormones) in obese males, causing<br />

lower circulating testosterone levels. This excess conversion of hormones<br />

in fat can be treated by medications (called aromatase inhibitors)<br />

that block this conversion of the testosterone to estrogens<br />

by the aromatase enzyme. Weight loss will eventually change some<br />

of the effects of obesity, but acute, sudden weight loss may produce<br />

a "starvation mode" whereby the body responds to the apparent<br />

lack of nutrients by decreasing stimulation of the testis, reducing<br />

sperm production. So, although weight loss will benefit a man's fertility<br />

(not to mention overall health!) in the long term, patients<br />

should avoid excessively aggressive attempts at weight loss.<br />

What nutritional changes can the "non-obese" male make to<br />

enhance sperm production? The answer is not completely clear.<br />

Some anti-oxidant materials (selenium, lycopenes, etc.) are known<br />

to protect sperm from oxidative damage, but there is little or no<br />

fertility benefit that has been demonstrated to occur from dietary<br />

supplementation with these agents. One of the problems with<br />

studies that involve dietary manipulation is that most of the patients<br />

"treated" with a dietary change have not been compared to<br />

"control" patients, i.e., men who receive no specific intervention.<br />

This "control arm" is critically important because the most commonly<br />

analyzed measure of a change in fertility (semen analysis) is<br />

highly variable regardless of any intervention.<br />

So, unless a "control arm" is analyzed in a<br />

study, the "benefit" of an intervention may be<br />

due to random chance rather than a specific<br />

improvement in fertility from the treatment<br />

provided.<br />

So, what is the ideal diet for a man interested<br />

in optimizing his fertility? Unfortunately,<br />

we don't really know. Cross-sectional studies<br />

have shown that men who have a diet richer<br />

in fruits and vegetables than meats and fats<br />

tend to have higher sperm production. So, judicious<br />

enhancement of fruits & vegetables in<br />

diet is worthwhile. The type of vegetables may<br />

be important to consider as well. Soy-based<br />

diets that are often recommended for overall health may be bad<br />

for sperm production. Soy is a very weak estrogen, and estrogens<br />

given to men tend to decrease testosterone production and stimulation<br />

of the testes to produce sperm, so it is not surprising that<br />

dietary soy can decrease a man's fertility. The extensive intake of<br />

meats may also have some of its adverse effects through hormones.<br />

In the United States, antibiotics and hormonally based agents are<br />

often given to animals to boost meat development (and milk production.)<br />

Therefore, diets rich in meats may result in exposure of<br />

men to some antibiotics that adversely affect sperm production,<br />

as well as weak or potent (e.g., zearalone) estrogens that impair<br />

sperm production.<br />

In summary, diet and lifestyle can have an effect on sperm production.<br />

Men interested in fertility should consider enhancing the<br />

fruit and vegetable content of their diets, avoiding excess heat and<br />

having moderate but not excessive physical activity

Medical<br />

PCOS and DIET<br />

by Martha McKittrick, RD, CDE, Registered Dietician, Certified Diabetes Educator<br />


PCOS is a metabolic disorder that affects 5 – 7.5% of all<br />

women. It is the number one cause of infertility and if<br />

left untreated, can increase risk of endometrial cancer. In addition,<br />

women with PCOS are at a greater risk for heart disease<br />

and diabetes.<br />

Until recently,<br />

diet was not thought of as an<br />

important adjunct in treatment. However, since the discovery<br />

regarding the role insulin resistance plays in PCOS, it is now<br />

known that diet and lifestyle play an important role in the<br />

treatment of PCOS. Diet and weight management will not<br />

only help erratic menses, fertility, hirsutism and acne, but may<br />

decrease the risk of heart disease and diabetes as well. This article<br />

will discuss the role of diet in PCOS and give practical suggestions<br />

for meal planning.<br />

Role of Insulin in PCOS<br />

Exactly why and how PCOS develops is not quite clear,<br />

however most experts now agree that insulin plays a major<br />

role. Insulin is a powerful hormone that is released by the<br />

body’s pancreas in response to eating food - especially carbohydrates.<br />

It transports sugar out of the blood and <strong>into</strong> muscle,<br />

fat and liver cells, where it is converted to energy or stored as<br />

fat. Many women with PCOS have insulin resistance. This<br />

means that the process of getting the sugar out of the blood<br />

and <strong>into</strong> the cells is defective – the cells are “resistant” to insulin.<br />

The pancreas must secrete more and more insulin to<br />

get sugar out of the blood and <strong>into</strong> the cells. High levels<br />

of insulin or hyperinsulinemia, can wreak havoc in the<br />

body, causing any or all of the following conditions:<br />

polycystic ovaries, weight gain and/or difficulty losing<br />

weight, increased risk of heart disease by increasing<br />

LDL and triglycerides, decreasing HDL and increasing<br />

clotting factors. In addition, it can increase risk of diabetes<br />

by up to 40% by age 40.<br />

The discovery of insulin’s role in PCOS has brought<br />

hopes for better treatment. Treatment is no longer just<br />

aimed at treating the individual concerns (i.e. erratic<br />

menses, hirsutism, acne, etc.), but instead is now aimed<br />

at treating one of the underlying causes – insulin resistance.<br />

If insulin resistance is present, it is best treated with<br />

diet, exercise and weight loss if needed. Insulin sensitizing medications<br />

may be used as well. Most physicians prefer to start<br />

with diet and exercise and turn to drugs if needed. Keep in<br />

mind that not all women with PCOS have hyperinsulinemia,<br />

but the majority do.<br />

Why Don’t the Typical “Low-fat” Weight Loss<br />

Diets Work?<br />

Approximately 50 – 60% of women with PCOS are obese.<br />

It has been shown that losing even 5% of body weight can lead<br />

to an improvement in skin, regularity of menstrual cycles and<br />

decreased insulin levels. However many women with PCOS<br />

experience difficulty losing weight, possibly due to high insulin<br />


levels promoting fat storage. I’ve been specializing in diet and<br />

PCOS for the past 10 year and have found that the standard<br />

low fat high carbohydrate weight loss diet may not be the best<br />

approach for women with PCOS. High intakes of carbohydrates,<br />

especially refined carbohydrates (i.e. sweets, white bread,<br />

white rice, etc.) will quickly turn to sugar and cause elevated<br />

levels of insulin. Since high levels of insulin can cause a multitude<br />

of problems for women with PCOS, many women find<br />

that they feel better and are able to lose weight more effectively<br />

on a lower glycemic index diet. This is a diet that includes foods<br />

or combinations of foods that do not cause a rapid rise in blood<br />

sugar.<br />

How Many Calories Should You Eat a Day?<br />

I often see women getting caught up in limiting carbs, but<br />

forget to watch calories. Bottom line, when it comes to weight<br />

loss, all calories count – whether from protein, fat or carbohydrate.<br />

This must be emphasized as it is common to see women<br />

who feel they can eat unlimited amounts of protein and fat as<br />

long as they keep the carbohydrate intake low. A hypo caloric<br />

diet must be adhered to if weight loss is to occur. Use the following<br />

formula to determine your caloric needs:<br />

For weight maintenance<br />

• 10 calories per pound for women who are obese, very inactive,<br />

or chronic dieters<br />

• 13 calories per pound for women over age 55 who are very<br />

active<br />

• 15 calories per pound for very active women<br />

If you tend to have a difficult time losing weight and are obese,<br />

very inactive, or a chronic dieter, it is possible that you may need<br />

to use 8 or 9 calories per pound.<br />

For weight loss<br />

• To lose 1 lb a week, subtract 500 from maintenance caloric<br />

level<br />

So if your maintenance caloric needs are 2000, you should consume<br />

1500 calories a day to promote a one pound weight loss<br />

a week.<br />

How Many Carbohydrates<br />

Should You Eat A Day?<br />

I often get asked this question! But the answer is - no one<br />

really knows for sure. There are no studies that prove one diet<br />

plan works better than others. Bottom line: each woman is different<br />

and you'll need to find a plan that works for you. The<br />

most important things are that the plan is realistic, healthy and<br />

gets you results. See my sample meal plans at the bottom of<br />

this article for more guidance.<br />

My Top 15 Dietary Recommendations<br />

for PCOS<br />

1. No one diet works for everyone. Each plan must be tailored<br />

to suit the individual. In my experience, I have found that<br />

women with PCOS who are very insulin resistant, especially if<br />

they are obese, often have an easier time losing weight and feel<br />

better on a lower carb diet. However this doesn't mean that<br />

every women with PCOS needs to be on a very low carb diet.<br />

2. Do not think of this as a short-term diet but rather a<br />

healthy eating plan to be followed for the long term. I don’t<br />

even like to use the word diet as it implies deprivation and<br />

something short- term.<br />

3. A priority in treating insulin resistance is weight loss. This<br />

is more important than the macronutrient composition of the<br />

diet. Even losing 5-10% of body weight will help decrease symptoms<br />

of PCOS.<br />

4. Exercise is a key factor in decreasing insulin resistance. The<br />

ideal program includes an aerobic and resistance training component.<br />

The resistance training component should focus on<br />

light weights and more repetition. For weight loss, I would recommend<br />

at least 45 minutes of aerobic exercise 4 times a week<br />

and weight training 2 times a week. You can split the aerobic<br />

sessions up (i.e. take two 20-30 minute speed walks a day)<br />

5. Select lower glycemic index carbohydrates (i.e. whole<br />

grains, fruit, vegetables, legumes, milk) instead of higher<br />

glycemic index carbohydrates such as rice, potato, white bread,<br />

sweets.<br />

6. Consume balanced meals that contain protein/fat and<br />

carbs. This will help to control blood sugar, keep you feeling full<br />

longer and ward of carbohydrate cravings. For example, a slice<br />

of whole grain toast with some natural peanut butter may be<br />

a better choice for breakfast as compared to a bowl of cereal<br />

with fat free milk for some women. The higher fat and protein<br />

content of the peanut butter may satiate you more than the<br />

higher carbohydrate content of the cereal.<br />

7. Very low fat diets are not recommended as they can lead<br />

to increased cravings. In addition, they can worsen insulin resistance.<br />

On the other hand, you should not go overboard with<br />

your consumption of fats as they are high in calories. For example,<br />

1 T. of olive oil contains 120 calories.<br />

8. Select healthy fats. Limit saturated and trans fats as these<br />

fats can increase risk of heart disease by raising LDL cholesterol.<br />

Substitute unsaturated fat for saturated fat and trans fats. Include<br />

omega 3 fats (found in fatty fish, canola oil, leafy greens<br />

and walnuts) in the diet to decrease risk of heart disease. These<br />

fats may also improve insulin resistance. Other healthy fats include<br />

nuts and nut butters, avocado, olive and canola oil.<br />

9. Identify problem behaviors and work on making permanent<br />

behavior changes. Make small changes at a time. Food<br />

records have proven to be a very useful tool in identifying problem<br />

behaviors as well as helping you to limit your calories. Who<br />



Medical<br />


wants to write down that they had<br />

5 chocolate chip cookies? I am a<br />

huge fan of food records and<br />

find that they REALLY help my<br />

clients lose weight!<br />

10. Pay attention to how<br />

your body feels after eating<br />

various foods. Which foods<br />

set off cravings or decrease energy<br />

levels? Which foods make<br />

you feel energized? This is very<br />

important to help you determine<br />

what kind of eating plan will work best<br />

for you. And keep all tempting foods out of<br />

the house if possible!<br />

11. Suggested vitamin / mineral supplements:<br />

• Standard multivitamin<br />

• B complex if you are taking metformin<br />

• Calcium 1000 mg – 1500 mg (if unable to consume enough<br />

from the diet).<br />

• 1-2 grams of omega 3 fatty acids from a supplement if you<br />

are not eating fatty fish at least 3 times a week.<br />

• Vitamin D deficiency is being linked to PCOS. Get your Vitamin<br />

D levels checked by your doctor. While the RDA is<br />

400 IU, I would suggest at bit more … try to get at least 800<br />

IU from your multivitamin and/or calcium supplement<br />

• Magnesium: make sure you are consuming adequate<br />

amounts of magnesium (whole grains, nuts, beans, avocado,<br />

shellfish, leafy greens)<br />

12. Practice stress management. Being stressed can raise<br />

cortisol levels, which in turn, can worsen insulin resistance.<br />

I'm sure we have all heard of high cortisol levels linked to "belly<br />

fat". And, no - those pills such as cortislim don't lower cortisol<br />

levels nor do they get rid of belly fat!<br />

13. Get adequate sleep. Being sleep deprived can worsen<br />

insulin resistance, make weight loss more difficult and can intensify<br />

your carb cravings.<br />

14. Plan, planplan! Eat meals at regular intervals. Going too<br />

long without eating will only exacerbate cravings and will<br />

make it more difficult to stick to your plan. Plan healthy<br />

snacks and carry them with you. Include lots of veggies at<br />

meals to help you feel full.<br />

15. Tips for Friday nights and holidays: 1. Eat a healthy<br />

snack before services and dinner so you are not ravenous before<br />

the meal. 2. If you are going to someone elses’ home for<br />

a meal, bring a healthy dish that you know you can eat. 3. Instead<br />

of filling up at bread and crackers at the meal, try filling<br />

most of your plate with vegetable dishes.<br />

Sample Meal Plans<br />

I find that many women want sample meal plans, so I devised<br />

these 1200-1500 calorie moderately low carb meal plans<br />

to be used as a guide for weight loss.<br />

Breakfast:<br />

15 - 30 grams carbs + 100 - 150 calories protein/fat.<br />

Total calories = 180 - 310<br />

A. 2 slices whole grain toast with 2 eggs (or 4 egg whites plus<br />

one ounce low fat cheese) (30gm)<br />

B. Arnold 2 slices light whole wheat toast plus 1 ½ T. peanut butter<br />

(15 gm)<br />

C 2 slices whole wheat low carb bread with 1 ½ oz melted<br />

cheese and tomato slice (15 gm)<br />

D 1 cup low fat cottage cheese and 1 cup cubed melon (15 gm)<br />

Lunch:<br />

15 - 30 grams of carbs + 200 calories protein + 50-100 calories<br />

fat if desired. Total calories = 300 – 410 (Note you do<br />

not have to have the carbs!)<br />

A. Sandwich on 2 slices whole grain bread with 4 oz poultry,<br />

fish or lean meat, 1 tsp. mayo if desired (30 gm)<br />

B Sandwich on 2 slices light 100% whole wheat bread with 4<br />

oz poultry, fish or lean meat and some fat (avocado slices<br />

or mayo), lettuce, tomato plus one fruit (30 gm)<br />

C. Salad with assorted veggies with 4 oz poultry, fish or lean<br />

meat with 2 tsp. oil, unlimited vinegar. Add 15 grams of<br />

carbs – pick one: fruit, ½ chick peas in salad, small whole<br />

grain roll (15 gm)<br />

D. 3 oz tuna made with 1 T. light mayo, celery on a salad with<br />

4 melba crackers (15 gm)<br />

Afternoon snack:<br />

15 grams of carbs + 100 calories of protein/fat.<br />

Total calories = 180<br />

A. 1 small apple with 1 T. PB<br />

C. 1 slice of whole wheat bread and 1 oz cheese<br />

B. 15 almonds and a fruit<br />

D. 8 oz nonfat yogurt and 10 cashews<br />

C. 80 calories of whole grain cracker and 1 Polly O string<br />

cheese<br />

Dinner:<br />

4 - 6 oz protein, 100 calories fat, unlimited non-starchy veggies,<br />

15- 30 grams carbs. Total calories = 445 – 525<br />

A. 6 oz lean meat, 2 cups veggies, 2 tsp. oil (make stir-fry), 1/3<br />

– 2/3 cup brown rice (15-30 gm)<br />


B. 6 oz salmon, grilled veggies, ½ small baked potato with 2<br />

tsp. fat (15-30 gm)<br />

C. 4 oz burger, corn on cob, 1 tsp. butter, green salad with 1<br />

tsp. oil and unlimited vinegar (15 gm)<br />

D. 4 oz turkey burger on whole wheat roll, green salad with<br />

100 calories of dressing (30 gm)<br />

E. 6 oz chicken on big salad (with a lot of veggies), 100 calories<br />

of dressing (minimal carbs)<br />

After dinner snack:<br />

up to 80 calories<br />

A. one fruit<br />

B. 23 pistachio nuts<br />

C. 3 cups light popcorn<br />

D. diet ice pop<br />

In Conclusion<br />

How do you know if the plan is working for you? First, you<br />

will likely find that you feel better, have more energy and fewer<br />

cravings. You will probably see the scale start to move downward<br />

…finally! (especially if you are also incorporating exercise).<br />

You may find your cycles get more regular and some of<br />

your other symptoms of PCOS improve. And I’m pleased to<br />

say that I have received phone calls from many of my PCOS<br />

patients telling me that they are now pregnant and are asking<br />

for additional dietary guidance!<br />

Bottom line, while having PCOS can be very frustrating,I<br />

really hope that you can feel empowered by knowing that<br />

you can improve your symptoms, fertility and health by making<br />

even a few healthy lifestyle changes.<br />

—––––––––––––––––––––––––<br />

Martha has been specializing in Diet and PCOS for the past 10<br />

years. She has lectured to women with PCOS as well as to health<br />

professionals across the country. She was the nutrition editor<br />

the Dr. Walter Futtterweit’s book, A Patient’s Guide to PCOS:<br />

Understanding and Reversing Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In<br />

addition to being on staff at New York Presbyterian Hospital,<br />

Martha has a private practice where she is available for individual<br />

nutrition counselingin her NYC office and via phone. She<br />

will tailor an eating plan for you based on your goals and<br />

lifestyle. Check out Martha’s nutrition blog, City Girl Bites, for<br />

practical information on how to eat healthy and lose weight<br />

while living a hectic life.<br />

Martha’s Blog: www.citygirlbites.com<br />

Martha’s Website: www.martha-nutritionist.com<br />

(212) 879-5167<br />

Copyright © www.martha-nutritionist.com<br />


67<br />

Aaron Weinreb, MD<br />

Board Certified in Obstetrics and Gynecology<br />

Specializing in Minimally<br />

Invasive Laparoscopic Surgery, Including:<br />

Laparoscopic Ovarian Cystectomy<br />

Laparoscopic Hysterectomy<br />

Laproscopic and Hysteroscopic Myomectomy<br />

Solo-practitioner offering personalized<br />

and individualized Obstetrical Care.<br />

NYM Associates<br />

1309 Ave J Brooklyn, NY 11230 718-677-1710<br />

Most Insurances Accepted<br />

Including HMO Medicaid

Medical<br />

IVM: In Vitro Maturation<br />

Information Source: Pennsylvania IVF and <strong>Infertility</strong> - Dr. Bruce Rose of <strong>Infertility</strong> Solutions, P.C.<br />

www.infertilitysolutions.com<br />


IVM is a variation of IVF which uses immature eggs removed<br />

from the ovaries without having to perform an ovulation induction<br />

to make those eggs mature in the body. The eggs are instead<br />

matured in the laboratory. They are then fertilized, cultured and<br />

transferred as in routine IVF. Injectable medications to stimulate<br />

the ovaries are not used, which eliminates many side effects for the<br />

patient as well as decreasing the expense. IVM also eliminates the<br />

need for most of the ultrasound monitoring which is routine for<br />

IVF procedures. Blood tests to assess the progress of the ovulation<br />

induction are similarly eliminated, making the procedure more<br />

convenient and comfortable for the patient.<br />

History of IVM<br />

In the normal menstrual cycle, an egg develops inside of a cyst<br />

or follicle over a two week period in response to gonadotrophin<br />

hormones that a woman produces. The follicle increases in diameter<br />

from about 2 mm to about 20 mm. The cells around the egg<br />

multiply over this time period and produce estrogen. The egg is<br />

firmly attached to the follicle wall until increased amounts of the<br />

hormone LH (or in medical cycles, HCG) induce enzymes that free<br />

the egg from the wall so that it is free floating in the fluid in the<br />

follicle. It can then leave the follicle after LH also induces enzymes<br />

to create a hole in the follicle. During this time, the egg increases<br />

very slightly in size and all of the chromosomes are contained in a<br />

membrane in the cytoplasm. With the increase in LH as a trigger,<br />

this membrane breaks down and the egg divides the chromosomes<br />

<strong>into</strong> two equal groups and moves one of these groups outside the<br />

egg (polar body). An egg that has done this is referred to as a mature<br />

egg (or MII). In the natural cycle, the egg, which has been freed<br />

from the follicle, is then picked up by the end of one of the fallopian<br />

tubes. If the egg is lucky enough to be fertilized, it again divides the<br />

chromosomes <strong>into</strong> two equal groups and pushes one of them outside<br />

the egg.<br />


In 1935, it was observed that if rabbit eggs were removed from<br />

their follicles, some of them would spontaneously mature. In 1965,<br />

Edwards (one of the original scientists responsible for the first baby<br />

born from IVF) showed that the same thing occurred for human<br />

eggs. The first baby born from IVF, Louise Brown, was not born<br />

until 1978. The first baby born through IVM was reported in 1991.<br />

The first baby born through IVM in North America was through<br />

McGill University in 1999. The process of IVM was never as efficient<br />

as IVF. A commercial media for egg maturation is now available<br />

and the details that enable pregnancies to occur at a reasonable<br />

rate in appropriately selected patients has also been worked out.<br />

The exact limits of IVM are far from agreed upon, but IVM is clearly<br />

another tool that can be used to help some patients achieve pregnancy.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> program<br />

We started our IVM program in 2009.<br />

We use multiple approaches to IVM. One<br />

approach is based on the programmed<br />

cycle approach popularized by Dr. Jared<br />

Robbins at Brown University in Rhode Island.<br />

We like this approach because it<br />

maximizes patient convenience. The date<br />

of retrieval and transfer can be chosen<br />

months in advance. Egg quality is as uniform<br />

as it can be since the eggs receive no<br />

stimulation prior to aspiration and it offers<br />

the best opportunity to control the development<br />

of the uterine lining. Another approach<br />

we frequently use grew out of the<br />

long established program at McGill University.<br />

The approach starts with natural<br />

cycle IVF and adds IVM to it. We call it natural<br />

cycle IVM. We will often use oral medications<br />

with it and at times some<br />

injectible medications. This type of cycle can be varied to adjust<br />

to differences in patients and often has a better egg collection yield<br />

than programmed IVM.<br />

<strong>Our</strong> patients are evaluated during their initial visit with an ovarian<br />

antral follicle count (small follicles between 3 and 10 mm in diameter).<br />

The best patients for this therapy will be under age 35<br />

and have a total antral follicle count of at least 20. For such patients,<br />

we expect our success rate to be similar to the success rate<br />

for our regular IVF patients. (Results over the last several years are<br />

reviewed on the abovementioned site.)<br />

IVM or IVF are never the first therapies to be considered for a<br />

patient who has not been evaluated, but are certainly indicated in<br />

We like this<br />

approach because<br />

it maximizes<br />

patient<br />

convenience. The<br />

date of retrieval<br />

and transfer can<br />

be chosen months<br />

in advance.<br />

couples where the sperm count is low (e.g., less than 10<br />

million/ml), in a woman with missing or very damaged tubes or if<br />

the women does not ovulate in response to oral medications. The<br />

work-up for IVM focuses on the semen analysis, the uterine cavity,<br />

and the cervix. It thus can be completed very quickly. Once a couple<br />

has decided to start an IVM cycle, the women is usually placed<br />

on birth control pills for timing and on estrogen for help in developing<br />

a good lining in her uterus. An egg retrieval is then scheduled.<br />

Prior to the retrieval, the woman will require one or two<br />

ultrasound exams. A nurse anesthetist will provide in office anesthesia<br />

so the patient will not feel the egg retrieval. Eggs will be removed<br />

and matured in the laboratory. We begin the process of<br />

fertilizing eggs on the day after the retrieval. The technique used<br />

for fertilization is ICSI, which can compensate<br />

for almost any male factor problem.<br />

Embryos are usually transferred back <strong>into</strong><br />

the patient three days after the retrieval.<br />

A pregnancy test is obtained two weeks<br />

after the retrieval.<br />

We are one of very few programs in the<br />

United States to offer IVM. We are certainly<br />

the first program in the Lehigh Valley<br />

and in NE Pennsylvania to offer IVM.<br />

We also have the first pregnancy using<br />

IVM in Lehigh Valley/NE Pennsylvania.<br />

Advantages of IVM compared<br />

to traditional IVF<br />

1. Simplicity<br />

The procedure does not require any<br />

medications to stimulate the ovaries (see<br />

variations on IVM for some exceptions).<br />

The IVM procedure eliminates the need<br />

for injectable medications to suppress a<br />

patient’s endogenous (own) gonadotropin production such as<br />

Lupron, Ganirelix. or Cetrotide. It also eliminates the need for the<br />

gonadotropin medications that cause the immature eggs to develop<br />

within follicles and mature. For example, these are medications<br />

include Follistim, Gonal F, Bravelle, Menopur, and Repronex.<br />

For most patients, this is the most complex part of IVF. Patients<br />

find the process of injecting themselves with multiple different<br />

medications several times a day to be highly stressful. For the<br />

process to work well, they need to take the correct medication in<br />

the correct amount (which may change daily). Many patients start<br />

the IVF process fearful of taking injections. Some never learn to do<br />

the injections by themselves and need to coordinate their injection<br />

schedule with their friend or partner. By not using these medica-<br />



Medical<br />


tions, the complex monitoring required for IVF is no longer needed.<br />

2. Time Saving<br />

In IVF, the patient is frequently monitored with ultrasound<br />

exams and blood tests to optimize the development of follicles<br />

(containing eggs) in the ovaries. This monitoring process usually<br />

takes 10 to 14 days and requires a number of office visits that are<br />

necessary to guide the ovulation induction. For the patient, this requires<br />

missed time from work or school. For IVM, in our program,<br />

we use one or two ultrasound exams and no blood tests. The patient<br />

obviously needs to be there for the egg retrieval and the embryo<br />

transfer three days later, but these procedures can be<br />

scheduled over a long weekend arranged months in advance.<br />

3. Less Painful<br />

Eliminating most medication injections and eliminating all<br />

blood tests clearly decreases patient discomfort with IVM compared<br />

to IVF. Almost all patients handle these discomforts with IVF<br />

as a necessary component of the process,<br />

but they are still unpleasant.<br />

Generally, the patients who have the<br />

most discomfort after an egg retrieval are<br />

those with a large number of eggs, a PCO<br />

(polycystic ovary) pattern in their ovaries,<br />

or a PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome)<br />

diagnosis. (These types of patients also<br />

have the most success with IVM.) Because<br />

the medications we use in IVF hyperstimulate<br />

the ovaries, these patients may have<br />

swelling of pelvic tissues and loss of fluid<br />

<strong>into</strong> their abdomen (ascites). Some experience<br />

this for a day or two, but rare patients<br />

may experience it for several weeks. There<br />

is NO risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome<br />

with IVM.<br />

Even patients without potential for<br />

ovarian hyperstimulation, are likely to experience less recovery pain<br />

after the egg retrieval procedure. Because the cysts from which we<br />

obtain the eggs IVM are much smaller than for IVF, a smaller needle<br />

has to be used. This usually results in less discomfort after the procedure.<br />

4. Lower Cost<br />

IVM patients should have significant savings by not using many<br />

injectable medications and eliminating most of the monitoring of<br />

a normal IVF cycle. In our program, we estimate that most self-pay<br />

patients will save about 50% of the total cost of a traditional IVF<br />

cycle. For some patients, IVM will offer them the opportunity to<br />

do an IVF variant cycle when they could not afford a traditional<br />

IVF cycle. Patients may realize additional savings if they choose to<br />

use our IVM multi-cycle discount program.<br />

5. Safer<br />

IVM is clearly safer than IVF for patients with significant PCO<br />

we estimate that<br />

most self-pay<br />

patients will save<br />

about 50% of the<br />

total cost of a<br />

traditional IVF<br />

cycle.<br />

for whom the IVF ovulation inductions entails the risk of severe<br />

ovarian hyperstimulation. All IVF involves some degree of ovarian<br />

hyperstimulation, but for some patients, the side effect of ovarian<br />

hyperstimulation is dangerous and uncomfortable. Some patient<br />

get severely dehydrated and loose fluid <strong>into</strong> their abdomens. Abdominal<br />

distension may be severe enough to cause abdominal pain<br />

and difficultly breathing. The patients most severely effected can<br />

not be determined ahead of time, but anyone with PCO is at an<br />

increased risk. IVM virtually eliminates this risk.<br />

6. Theoretical Egg Advantages<br />

Eggs produced in IVM cycles are more similar to each other in<br />

appearance than eggs produced in IVF cycles. For example, eggs<br />

from older patients sometimes have a dark cytoplasm after the<br />

ovulation which requires high doses of medications with routine<br />

IVF. With IVM, eggs from such patients generally have a normal<br />

appearing cytoplasm. There is limited and contradictory information<br />

in the medical literature comparing<br />

quality of eggs obtained from IVF compared<br />

to IVM in the same patient. One especially<br />

provocative study, suggests that<br />

chromosomal abnormalities (which are<br />

created at the time of HCG or at the time<br />

of fertilization) of eggs is reduced with<br />

IVM. Earlier studies suggested that chromosomal<br />

abnormalities were increased.<br />

Disadvantages of IVM compared<br />

to traditional IVF<br />

1. Limited Use<br />

Perhaps 2000 babies have been born<br />

world-wide from IVM. This compares to<br />

more than one million born with IVF (57<br />

thousand in the United States alone in<br />

2007). There are only a few programs in the United States which<br />

offer IVM. There are over 430 IVF programs in the United States.<br />

In terms of safety and knowledge about the long term impact of<br />

the getting pregnant process on the resulting children, we can be<br />

more assured about the safety of IVF than IVM. There are a number<br />

of small studies that compare the safety of IVM to IVF within programs<br />

and find no safety problems. McGill University in Canada<br />

has an informal registry of babies born through IVM and hey have<br />

found no problems. Another reassuring aspect to IVM is that there<br />

is extensive experience with IVM in commercial large mammals.<br />

More than 100,000 cows are produced each year utilizing IVM. IVF<br />

had been an important part of cattle breeding, but has been replaced<br />

by IVM over the last fifteen years. Although I am not concerned<br />

about safety with IVM, one can never prove safety in any<br />

absolute way, and the greater our experience with a procedure the<br />

more comfortable we are with it and have a greater basis for reas-<br />


suring patients about its safety.<br />

Most practitioners consider IVM to be a minor variant of IVF<br />

since once the eggs have matured in the laboratory, all the same<br />

things are done with them as with IVF. By this reasoning, the same<br />

safety data should apply to both IVF and IVM. However, there are<br />

clearly differences in the eggs produced by this procedure. Because<br />

of the minimal use of gonadotopins with all versions of IVM, some<br />

would view IVM as theoretically safer than IVF.<br />

2. Limited Clinical Data<br />

Because of the widespread use of IVF and the limited use of<br />

IVM, the medical literature about these procedures is not comparable.<br />

Most management decisions for IVM are taken from what<br />

we know from IVF. Protocols for IVM are still at an early stage of<br />

evolution and it is easy to ask clinical questions that have no answers<br />

in the medical literature. Current approaches are very dependent<br />

on the clinician in charge, their understanding of the IVM<br />

and IVF literature, and their clinical experience.<br />

3. Pregnancy Rates<br />

The IVM literature suggests a pregnancy<br />

rate slightly below that for routine<br />

IVF to a rate about that of IVF (25-35%<br />

clinical pregnancy rate per transfer). The<br />

primary variable in the IVM literature<br />

that predicts success is the number of<br />

eggs retrieved. The best candidates for<br />

IVM are those young patients with a PCO<br />

pattern in their ovaries. These are also<br />

the best candidates for IVF and have the<br />

highest pregnancy rates as a group. Age<br />

is a key predictor of success with IVF and<br />

is also likely to be one for IVM. There is<br />

limited data on IVM in older patients or<br />

in non-PCO patients. Unfortunately, the<br />

CDC/SART national data collection of IVF success rates of programs<br />

in the United States does not distinguish between IVF and<br />

IVM in its data collection. This means that the government generated<br />

data on pregnancy rates from different programs is a mixture<br />

of the pregnancy rates for IVF and IVM (if they have IVM).<br />

IVM is reported separately in some national registries, but most<br />

include results with IVF.<br />

4. Cycle Cancellation<br />

Although IVM can clearly result in babies, it takes a lot of eggs<br />

to get there. Eggs are harder to get during the retrieval that with<br />

IVF. In IVF, the eggs are free floating in the follicle. In IVM, they are<br />

attached to the follicle wall and have to be dislodged during the<br />

retrieval (which takes much longer). It there are not many antral<br />

follicles, few eggs are likely to be retrieved. A good maturation rate<br />

is 40-50%, so you need a good number of eggs to have any to work<br />

with. A good fertilization rate is 70% (similar to routine IVF). These<br />

The best<br />

candidates for<br />

IVM are those<br />

young patients<br />

with a PCO pattern<br />

in their ovaries.<br />

factors lead to an increased frequency of cycle cancellation in patients<br />

who do not have a PCO pattern in their ovaries. (However,<br />

cycle cancellation is much lower than it is for procedures such as<br />

natural cycle IVF.)<br />

At this point in our experience, it appears that fewer embryos<br />

need to be created to achieve pregnancy with IVM than with IVF.<br />

This may reflect our particular selection of patients for IVM or it<br />

may mean that mature eggs obtained with IVM are more likely to<br />

be normal than mature eggs created through IVF (using high dose<br />

gonadotropins). We also see a much difference between individuals<br />

with respect to the maturation rate and maturation timing of<br />

their eggs.<br />

5. Program Selection<br />

Although there are important differences between IVF programs<br />

in patient management, these differences are much smaller<br />

than the different variants of IVM. Over the years, a network of information<br />

on IVF programs has evolved.<br />

The CDC/SART database serves as a tool<br />

that patients can use to begin evaluating<br />

programs. There is little similar information<br />

to help patients select programs for IVM. In<br />

terms of physician management and laboratory<br />

management, IVM is different from<br />

IVF. There is a learning curve involved in<br />

transitioning from one to the other.<br />

Variations on IVM<br />

The approach to IVM outlined above is<br />

only one of a number of approaches taken.<br />

<strong>Infertility</strong> Solutions, P. C. characterizes it as<br />

a programmed IVM cycle, because the endometrial<br />

lining is intentionally developed,<br />

the retrieval is scheduled, and gonadotropins<br />

are not used to mature the<br />

eggs in the patient.<br />

Most other variations of IVM use fertility drugs to partly stimulate<br />

the ovaries. These may be injectable gonadotropins or oral<br />

medications. Some cycles utilize endogenous hormones in ovulatory<br />

patients to stimulate the ovaries and the lining. This is a natural<br />

cycle approach to IVM, but generally the eggs in ovaries are<br />

partly stimulated. The retrieval may be scheduled or determined<br />

by ultrasound findings as the ovaries change. We call this natural<br />

cycle IVM.<br />

Programmed cycles work best in PCO or PCO-like patients with<br />

large antral follicles. Not everyone’s ovaries are the same, even if<br />

they have PCOS and variations on the theme of IVM sometimes<br />

work better than programmed IVM. At times we do use low dose<br />

gonadotropins or letrozole in conjunction with IVM.<br />

One type of augmented cycle is a hyperstimulation IVM rescue.<br />

This is where the patient intends to do IVF, but early in the ovula-<br />



Medical<br />

tion induction it becomes clear that she is at high risk of severe<br />

ovarian hyperstimulation. Many programs manage hyperstimulation<br />

with “coasting” which involves delaying the egg retrieval while<br />

withholding gonadotropins. Other programs proceed with the egg<br />

retrieval, but freeze all embryos for transfer in a later time period.<br />

We believe that conversion to IVM is a better approach.<br />

Other programs do things differently, but augmented IVF may<br />

be recommended in our program for some patients who have<br />

failed IVF, but don’t produce a large number of eggs or have failed<br />

other versions of IVM. Generally, there is a higher maturation rate<br />

for eggs obtained from an augmented cycle.<br />

Endometrial Lining<br />

Managing the development of endometrial lining is more of an<br />

issue for IVM than it is for IVF. The ovaries produce many hormones<br />

in addition to estrogen and progesterone. In large amounts,<br />

some of these hormones may impair the ability of the lining to accept<br />

an implantation. With programmed IVM, the only ovarian<br />

hormones present in very large amounts are estrogen and progesterone.<br />

These hormones also suppress androgen production which<br />

may further help the endometrial lining. For some patients, this<br />

may produce the best lining that they are capable of developing.<br />

(There are other relevant details here.)<br />

Managing the lining for IVM is also important since embryos<br />

may be produced on up to four different days. Different programs<br />

optimize outcomes in different ways with respect to this issue and<br />

management is likely to undergo changes as more research is done<br />

on the issue.<br />

Cancer<br />

The treatment of some cancers may result in sterilization. Patients<br />

often wish to preserve their fertility using advanced reproductive<br />

technologies. However, a traditional IVF cycle requires some<br />

time. An IVM retrieval can be done anytime after an induced period.<br />

Eggs can then be matured in vitro and cryopreserved. There are IVM<br />

pregnancies from both traditional slow freezing cryopreservation of<br />

embryos and from vitrified oocytes. Egg vitrification is still viewed<br />

as experimental, but does not differ much from embryo vitrification<br />

(our preferred method of embryo cryopreservation). Unfortunately,<br />

data on this approach to fertility preservation is extremely limited.<br />

New or Expanded<br />

Indications to do IVM<br />

(Cheaper or Quicker)<br />

<strong>Infertility</strong> differs from many areas of medicine. For the vast majority<br />

of of patients, the only important issue is getting pregnant quickly (as<br />

opposed to why infertility exists). For some patients, the higher probability<br />

of getting pregnant quickly may be a reason to omit a traditional<br />

work-up or less aggressive therapies and go directly to IVM.<br />

Many patients have no insurance coverage for infertility therapy.<br />

Some have no insurance coverage to pay for an infertility work-up.<br />

Patients who are good candidates for IVM (which can be determined<br />

with a very minimal work-up), may find it cost effective to do IVM as<br />

opposed to a traditional infertility workup or more traditional lower<br />

probability infertility therapies such as clomid or gonadotropins with<br />

IUI.<br />

The most advanced infertility treatments.<br />

Physicians that always have time.<br />

An occasional hug.<br />

And most importantly…<br />

Reproductive Medicine<br />

Associates of Connecticut<br />

Danbury, Norwalk, Stamford<br />

800-865-5431<br />

www.rmact.com<br />

Cristina Matera, MD<br />

Maureen O’Brien Moomjy, MD<br />

Jessica Rosenberg Brown, MD<br />

Hope.<br />

50 East 77th Street<br />

New York, NY 10075<br />

161 Fort Washington Avenue<br />

New York, NY 10032<br />

T: 212.639.9122 F: 212.639.9413<br />


Lingo Guide for Beginners<br />

2ww = Two week wait after ovulation<br />

AF = Aunt Flo (flow) A.K.A., your period<br />

AI = Artificial Insemination<br />

AO = Anovulation<br />

ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology<br />

ASA = Anti-Sperm Antibody<br />

BB = Bulletin Board<br />

BBT = Basal Body Temperature<br />

BCP = Birth Control Pills<br />

B/W = Bloodwork<br />

CD = Cycle day<br />

CM = Cervical Mucus<br />

DPO = Days Post-Ovulation<br />

Dx = Diagnosis<br />

E2 = Estradiol (Estrogen)<br />

EPT = Early Pregnancy Test<br />

ET = Embryo Transfer (IVF)<br />

FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer<br />

FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone<br />

HPT = Home Pregnancy Testa<br />

IF = <strong>Infertility</strong><br />

IUI = Intrauterine Insemination<br />

IVF = In Vitro Fertilization<br />

LAP = Laparoscopy<br />

LH = Luteinizing Hormone<br />

LP = Luteal Phase<br />

LPD = Luteal Phase Defect<br />

MC or m/c = Miscarriage<br />

O or OV = Ovulation<br />

OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test<br />

OTC = Over the Counter<br />

PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome<br />

PCT = Postcoital Test<br />

PI = Primary <strong>Infertility</strong><br />

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist<br />

SA = Semen Analysis<br />

SI = Secondary <strong>Infertility</strong><br />

TMI = Too much information!<br />

TTC = Trying to Conceive<br />

UR = Urologist<br />

US or u/s = Ultrasound<br />


Medical<br />

Ask the<br />

Doctor<br />


Medical<br />

QIs it possible to have many symptoms of Hyperthyroidism,<br />

but regular TSH levels? For a while now, I have felt symptoms<br />

indicative of low TSH, but my blood work showed normal levels.<br />

Now, finally, after many blood tests, my TSH came up as low. I am<br />

currently taking Synthroid. Does this mean I should go by how I feel<br />

and lower the dose myself, or just wait months until corresponding<br />

results show up on my blood work? Thank you.<br />

AOne can have many symptoms but the tests for thyroid disease<br />

are quite sensitive and can pick up disease states of the thyroid<br />

as well.<br />

You definitely should not go by how you feel and make determinations<br />

to raise or lower your doses by yourself. This needs to be<br />

done with a doctor who has been trained to deal with thyroid issues.<br />

It usually takes from 4-6 weeks to reach what is called equilibrium.<br />

This is the time when the dose has had the opportunity to give you<br />

an appropriate read on the blood results. If you make changes too<br />

frequently and test too often, you will not know which dosage is<br />

correct for you.<br />

However, if you feel symptomatic and those symptoms are getting<br />

worse on the new dose, then you need to have a conversation<br />

with your doctor who changed your dosage. Other changes may<br />

need to be made, but not by yourself.<br />

Hope this was helpful.<br />

Harry Lieman, MD<br />

Montefiore’s Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Health<br />


QDid anybody have success with an IVF cycle using frozen<br />

sperm that has no motility?<br />

AThis is an excellent question. Sperm with no motility cannot<br />

be used for conventional IVF. We can use non-motile sperm<br />

with ICSI though. Most centers prefer to use motile sperm for either<br />

procedure. We just need more sperm to do conventional IVF than<br />

ICSI. Speak to your RE and the embryologist at your center, or your<br />

husband may need to try to give another sample. Take care and<br />

good luck.<br />

Jonathan Schiff, MD<br />

QI have a significant issue with egg quality as is evidenced by<br />

eggs retrieved. Blood work is always normal and follicles<br />

measure the correct size but most eggs come out immature. I have<br />

done several IVF cycles at a top center and have gone for a second<br />

opinion. We have basically tried all protocols. Estrogen priming<br />

yields many more eggs but we have had instances where all eggs<br />

were immature and usually at least 2/3 of eggs retrieved are<br />

immature. My doctor does not feel waiting longer to retrieve will<br />

make a difference. Is this correct? Additionally, he feels like my<br />

progesterone starts rising and we don’t really have the choice to<br />

wait (besides for it messing up my lining which we avoid by<br />

freezing). Is there anything to do to improve egg maturity?<br />

The next problem we have is that when we have done PGD and<br />

transferred only healthy embryos, I have gotten pregnant and<br />

miscarried twice (first trimester). My doctor feels that there is a<br />

miniscule chance of miscarrying once a normal embryo has<br />

implanted, and for it to happen twice must mean that something<br />

else is wrong with my eggs that cannot be determined by PGD.<br />

He readily admits that he does not know what the problem is and<br />

he has never seen anyone with this problem. He is concerned that<br />

maybe something on the mitochondria level is off, or maybe<br />

something having to do with granulosa cells in follicles...But he<br />

said he is just guessing. He has discussed this at medical<br />

conferences and no doctor had an answer. Just wondering if<br />

anyone here has seen any case like this? Is there anything more<br />

that I can try? Should I be seeing a doctor who deals with<br />

miscarriage/losses or is this all related to my poor egg quality and<br />

I should only be seeing an RE?<br />

AThis is certainly a difficult issue and must be incredibly<br />

frustrating for you. I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to provide<br />

adequate advice in this complex situation without carefully<br />

reviewing all of the records from your previous treatments. My<br />

advice would be to find a board certified reproductive<br />

endocrinologist in your area (one can be located through<br />

www.socrei.org) to provide a thorough consultation. I know you<br />

have been to several doctors before, but a reproductive<br />

endocrinologist would be the appropriate person to see regarding<br />

IVF cycles as well as first trimester recurrent miscarriage. I really<br />

couldn’t recommend any specific further evaluation without<br />

knowing the exact details of the case and what type of evaluation<br />

has already been performed. If you do seek another consultation,<br />

I would advise collecting all possible records from previous<br />

treatments to bring to your appointment, including IVF cycle<br />

sheets, lab results, medication doses, embryology results,<br />

procedure notes (ultrasounds, hysteroscopy, etc) and any other<br />

work-up you may have undergone. I’m sorry I can’t provide any<br />

more specific advice, but I wish you the best moving forward.<br />

Adam Fechner, MD<br />

UMDNJ-New Jersey Medical School<br />

QI am 27, and after 4 years of Secondary <strong>Infertility</strong> I conceived<br />

on Clomid, but that ended disastrously. It is now a year later<br />

and my AMH is at .48! My day 3 follicular count was 6 and my FSH<br />

was 5.9. What does low AMH and good FSH mean in terms of<br />

getting pregnant? My RE says I have “diminished chances”. Am I<br />

like a 40 year old? Will I reach menopause in 5 years? Do I have<br />

chances for the future with Clomid or is my only choice IVF?<br />

ANone of these tests are absolutely reliable. AMH is a direct<br />

product of immature follicles; the more you have the higher<br />

your level. AFC is a count of immature follicles we can see on the<br />

ultrasound, and FSH is a measurement of the feedback via estrogen<br />

from the ovaries to the pituitary gland, so these are more likely to<br />

be affected by stress. We, like other facilities, definitely have seen<br />

success in patients with undetectable AMH levels. I would continue<br />

your treatments, but not waste time. Your body is likely to behave<br />

reproductively like you were 37 instead of 27.<br />

G_D bless and good luck.<br />

Peter G. McGovern, MD<br />

University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Montclair-Hoboken<br />

QI just had my first embryo transfer and have a few questions.<br />

We transferred three embryos because they were day 3, grade<br />

2. If some implant, but not all, what happens? Will the embryo dissolve<br />

or will I bleed it out?<br />

Are there supporting statistics of the likelihood of implantation<br />

given embryo quality? I’m 24 years old.<br />

Are there any signs of pregnancy that I may notice before my<br />

beta HCG in 12 days?<br />

I have heard that some women bleed and it can be either implantation<br />

bleeding, signs of an ectopic pregnancy, or shedding of<br />

the uterine lining and embryos that didn’t implant. Is there any<br />

way of knowing which type of bleeding it is if I do see bleeding?<br />

Is there anything that can be done during the 2WW to increase<br />

chances of pregnancy?<br />

A<br />

As the embryos are only a few cells, they will dissolve if they<br />

do not implant. Bleeding is related to hormones. There is very<br />

little correlation between symptoms and bleeding and pregnancy<br />

with IVF as most patients are taking progesterone<br />

supplementation. As to the specifics of your chances of

Medical<br />


conceiving, that depends on the specifics of your situation and<br />

the program, so you should ask your doctor. Hopefully you will<br />

conceive but if you do not, you should have a discussion with your<br />

doctor as to why he/she thought the embryo quality was grade 2<br />

and what his/her proposals are to try to improve the quality for<br />

another cycle.<br />

Good Luck,<br />

Susan Lobel, MD<br />

Metropolitan Reproductive Medicine<br />

QI have annovulation, but don’t have PCOS, and low doses of<br />

Clomid make me ovulate rather quickly. We’re doing IUI due<br />

to MF (really low sperm count, about 2 million). <strong>Our</strong> Rav advised<br />

us to try one more IUI with injectibles, versus Clomid, before<br />

heading for IVF.<br />

I’m wondering if anyone knows whether there is a huge difference<br />

in doing IUI with injectibles versus IUI with Clomid, especially<br />

if the reason for IUI is MF?<br />

AI think I can explain some of the controversy. If you only make<br />

one follicle, there is not much difference whether it developed<br />

naturally or from one drug versus another. The reason injectible<br />

gonadotropins have a better success rate than Clomid (we find an<br />

overall success increase of 40%, live births per cycle is 11% with<br />

injectibles vs. 8% with Clomid) is that they stimulate the ovaries<br />

directly and most women produce more follicles on them. There is<br />

a direct correlation between the number of eggs and the success<br />

rate, as more eggs equals higher pregnancy rates. That is why<br />

injectibles are sometimes recommended. The downside of<br />

gonadotropins is a greater chance of a multiple pregnancy,<br />

especially triplets or more, which is a significant issue. <strong>Our</strong><br />

experience is 12% triplets or more after injectibles, vs. 2% after<br />

Clomid and 1% or less after IVF.<br />

I agree that with 2 million motile sperm, IUI is unlikely to succeed<br />

and IVF is a much better option.<br />

G_D bless and good luck.<br />

Peter G. McGovern, MD<br />

University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Montclair-Hoboken<br />

QMy doctor prescribed estrogen for an FET cycle and told me<br />

to continue taking it once I hopefully get pregnant. I’ve read<br />

that one shouldn’t take it during pregnancy as it highly increases<br />

the risk of fetal abnormalities. Does an RE ever recommend estrogen<br />

during a frozen cycle, and for how long does the patient continue<br />

taking it? I’m worried…<br />

AIgnore the package insert, and take the estrogen. You need it<br />

for a frozen cycle, and there are no problems with birth defects.<br />

Ask your doctor if you want more details.<br />

If you read the package insert about Tylenol you would never<br />

take that either!<br />

Peter McGovern, MD<br />

University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Montclair-Hoboken<br />

QMy husband’s testosterone levels are ate 285. We saw a<br />

urologist who retested him since the original tests were done<br />

at the RE’s office, and after examining him and doing an ultrasound,<br />

proclaimed him to be in good health, with no varicoceles. We are<br />

now waiting for the blood work to come back and were told not to<br />

treat him yet.<br />

I was wondering what may be some of the causes for an otherwise<br />

healthy 27 year old male to have a testosterone level of 285. Is<br />

there any concern aside from infertility that one should have? Does<br />

this affect his health in any other way?<br />

AThat is a good question. If he looks and acts like a normal man<br />

(or really feels like he does), then there is nothing to worry<br />

about. If he has any symptoms of low testosterone (low energy level,<br />

difficulty with concentration and focus, low libido, low muscle mass,<br />

minimal facial hair, sperm count issues) then it should be considered<br />

a “low” number and treated as such. The numbers for testosterone<br />

are a range, and different men need different levels. Some men I<br />

treat have much higher levels, but have symptoms of low<br />

testosterone, while others have lower numbers but feel fine so we<br />

do not treat them. If the numbers are associated with symptoms,<br />

we treat. Otherwise we just keep a close watch.<br />

Take care and good luck,<br />

Jonathan Schiff, MD<br />

QMy husband had a hernia operation a few months ago when<br />

a mesh was inserted. We did a repeat SA since then, and his<br />

sperm counts have drastically declined with zero motility. A visit to<br />

the urologist revealed a large varicocele on one side and a small one<br />

on the other. I’m with a top RE who suggested the regular incision<br />

method and referred us to a specialist, who thinks it’s extremely<br />

complicated because of the mesh and thinks he’ll have to use<br />

microscopic tools for the surgery.<br />

We were then made aware that varicoceles can be repaired laparoscopically,<br />

but the specialist in that field said that both his<br />

method and the incision method are not ideal when there is the<br />

extra complication of a mesh. He suggested a third method using a<br />

coil or ring, which he thinks is the best approach in this case.<br />

I want to know if anyone ever uses this method, and why it is<br />

used less frequently than the incision method. Are there any risks<br />

involved, and what is the best option for us?<br />

AThe best option for you is the micro-surgical varicocele repair.<br />

Having mesh makes it a little more complicated, but it is<br />

something we do frequently. The microsurgical approach has the<br />


lowest complication rate and the lowest recurrence rate, with the<br />

highest chance of curing the problem.<br />

Good luck,<br />

Jonathan Schiff, MD<br />

QMy husband has Kleinfelter’s Syndrome and is currently<br />

taking HCG injections to raise his testosterone level. I’ve<br />

noticed that since he’s on the medication he has gained a lot of<br />

weight and is very bloated. He is trying to lose weight by exercising<br />

and dieting but can’t even lose a pound! Do you think this is an<br />

effect of the HCG?<br />

AThis is an interesting effect. Typically, weight gain occurs slowly<br />

over time with an increase in muscle mass. Some men will<br />

retain fluid as their testosterone level rises. Your husband should<br />

have his blood work checked. There are also other options to raise<br />

testosterone besides the HCG injections.<br />

Take care,<br />

Q<br />

Jonathan Schiff, MD<br />

I am doing a long protocol for IVF and started Lupron on day<br />

21. It’s now three weeks later and I still have not got my<br />

period. I am not pregnant. What now?<br />

AAnytime a woman does not get a period more than 2 weeks<br />

after starting a gonadotropin agonist such as Lupron, further<br />

testing needs to be done to determine what is going on. There is a<br />

chance you did not ovulate from the previous cycle. However, the<br />

only way to know where you are in your cycle is by performing an<br />

ultrasound and blood work. I would recommend you follow-up<br />

with your doctor as soon as possible for further evaluation and to<br />

determine your next step. I hope this helps, and good luck.<br />

Adam Fechner, MD<br />

UMDNJ-New Jersey Medical School<br />

QI am currently with an RE due to difficulty conceiving, though<br />

I have gotten pregnant in the past both naturally and<br />

through IVF. All 4 pregnancies ended in miscarriage, and my RE<br />

attributed them to poor egg quality and chromosomal issues. I once<br />

saw an MFM who did blood work and suggested I stay with the RE<br />

while trying to conceive, and when I’m 8 weeks pregnant I can<br />

switch over to him.<br />

I feel so guilty lately - like I am missing something by not being<br />

more proactive. Should I be seeing an MFM or an RE?<br />

AI am sorry for the difficulty you have had but please be<br />

reassured that there are many couples who have four<br />

miscarriages and more who go on to have healthy children. You<br />

should be followed by an RE through the first trimester. I would<br />

suggest going to another RE to review your evaluation to date and<br />

who can answer your questions on a personal level after a thorough<br />

knowledge of your history and testing to date. Best wishes for future<br />

success.<br />

Susan Lobel, MD<br />

Metropolitan Reproductive Medicine<br />

QDo you think a second opinion is needed if my doctor<br />

recommended IVF as the only option based on findings from<br />

an HSG? Do you think the second opinion should be from a doctor<br />

with more experience than the first or does it matter?<br />

AIn some cases the decision that IVF is needed can be quite<br />

straight-forward and in some cases it may be more of an<br />

opinion then a definitive finding. Also, sometimes HSG findings can<br />

be wrong, for example a result that suggests there are no tubes can<br />

be due to spasm of uterine muscle blocking the tubes. In general,<br />

your doctor should elaborate for you whether IVF is clearly<br />

necessary, whether there may be other, albeit less effective options,<br />

or whether it is worth repeating the HSG. If this discussion does not<br />

make you feel comfortable that IVF is definitely necessary then a<br />

second opinion may be worthwhile.<br />

If you decide to see another doctor then make sure to first obtain<br />

the images from your HSG and bring them with you. Without<br />

reviewing these images, it may be impossible to give a meaningful<br />

second opinion. Additionally, make sure that the doctor is wellqualified<br />

as a specialist in reproductive endocrinology and infertility.<br />

Michael Zinger, MD<br />

East Coast Fertility<br />

QI am currently in the middle of an IVF cycle (Lupron stage,<br />

starting stims tonight). My period was completely over 5 days<br />

ago, and yesterday afternoon I had really bad staining. My bedikos<br />

were fine, and the staining was only in the afternoon and was over<br />

by the evening. Today I had more staining in the afternoon. I had<br />

an exam to see if it was a scratch or anything from the vaginal<br />

ultrasound but they didn’t find anything. I am concerned that this<br />

bleeding is indicative of a greater issue because I have never had<br />

staining like this, even with my previous IVF. Any insights would be<br />

really appreciated. Thank you.<br />

ABecause Lupron causes very low estrogen levels, you may<br />

continue to bleed until the fertility drugs kick in and make<br />

enough estrogen to stabilize the uterine lining and stop bleeding.<br />

It is completely normal, do not be concerned.<br />

G_d bless and good luck with your cycle.<br />

Peter G. McGovern, M.D.<br />

University Reproductive Associates, Hasbrouck Heights-Montclair-Hoboken<br />



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Humor<br />






OBJECTIVE: To try to elicit at least a hint of a smile, smirk, or an “I’ve been there” nod of recognition to faces who have<br />

shed tears while struggling with the very same challenges I had for eight years.<br />

EDUCATION: Bais Yaakov-type schools from elementary through seminary. Coursework emphasized the woman’s role as<br />

an Eishes Chayil, Eim Habanim Sameicha, stressing on Chinuch Habanim, raising the next dor of K’lal Yisroel<br />

etc., etc.<br />

TRAINING: Nothing in the world could have prepared me for this. If anything, I “trained” myself eagerly since the age<br />

of five to raise the boy-girl twins I was surely going to have, being the daughter of a twin myself. I had their<br />

names picked out since first grade, updating them every so often when a relative passed away.<br />

EXPERIENCE: (I know that in a real resume this is supposed to be in reverse order, but in this case it just won’t work!)<br />

Fall 2000 Mazel Tov! Great wedding! During the week of Sheva Brochos I was already thinking, “Wow, isn’t it amazing<br />

that there might already be something growing inside of me?!” Ha! Little did I know that the only things<br />

“growing” inside of me throughout the next eight years would be Strep, Influenza, the common cold virus,<br />

and of course, let’s not forget, the growing apprehension, tension, sadness and depression.<br />

Fall 2001 Doctor #1 shakes her head in disbelief that I am seeing a doctor after just one year of childless marriage. I<br />

get the whole OPK/BBT scoop, then decide on my way out NOT to return to her, ever.<br />

Spring 2002 Over the past six months, on the rare occasion that I actually DO remember to check my temperature at<br />

the same time, after the same amount of sleep, in the same position, I discover that OPKs are my forte and<br />

that I ovulate more often than not. We meet Doctor #2, a tiny little man who reminds us of the Oompa<br />

Loompa elves from Willie Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. After a few tests, Dr. Oompa Loompa tells us we will<br />

likely never have children. Married less than two years, we think this is ridiculous and laugh about it in the<br />

car.<br />

Summer 2003 We are up to Doctor #4, Surgery #1, Cycle #6. A younger sibling brings the first grandchild <strong>into</strong> the family,<br />

throwing me <strong>into</strong> a deep depression that lasts for a very long time. I decide that if the humiliation at being<br />

kvatter at a younger sibling’s bris is not enough to bring us children, nothing ever will. Well, seems the humiliation<br />

isn’t enough. I vow never to be a kvatter again, bli neder.<br />

Summer 2005 I lost track of what doctor, protocol, or procedure we are up to. I have disassociated myself from all friends,<br />

siblings, relatives, neighbors and also any female of child-bearing age. Work is my salvation.<br />

Spring 2007 We try a new doctor in a different state, so the entire universe figures out where we have disappeared to<br />

for four weeks and what, exactly, is going on, although we only told our immediate families. It succeeds but<br />

then fails. I spend most of Pesach miscarrying, while watching my newest nephew being shown off to<br />


everyone in sight, although they all know what I’m going through at the time.<br />


Fall 2007 Two siblings, on two different sides of the family, both give birth to the boy-girl twins I have dreamed<br />

about since Pre 1A. I barely have time to recuperate from one blow before I am hit with the second. I try to<br />

calculate the chances of this – two siblings, two different families, both having boy-girl twins, both within<br />

months of each other, and BOTH following the loss of our long-awaited baby. I estimate 1:1,574,392. Hey,<br />

after getting the hang of success rates and statistics, this is a breeze.<br />

81<br />

Winter 2008 My husband and I laugh together, although it is not even remotely funny, that maybe Dr. Oompa Loompa<br />

was right after all.<br />

Summer 2008 This new doctor comes to our very city. We tell NOBODY. We know, our Rav knows, and of course our<br />

medical staff. That’s ALL. I work in a hospital, and need to give myself the injections every evening during<br />

my shift. I envision getting caught in the bathroom, syringe in hand, explaining the logic behind it while<br />

being led away in handcuffs. (Health care workers have a high rate of drug addiction!)<br />

Fall 2008 Success, B”H, success. When they call with the positive beta, I say, “Are you sure? Please read the name<br />

again and make sure you have it right!” I don’t trust these folks anymore.<br />

Winter 2009 Between the hormones and my heredity, we aren’t surprised and all the more overjoyed to hear we are expecting<br />

twins. Since our families have let us down so many times, as far as keeping secrets, we don’t tell<br />

them. And of course they hound us. “So, we knooow with all those drugs it’s more than one. Are you seeing<br />

a high-risk OB? You know multiples are usually preemies…” This occurs at least once a week. I say nothing<br />

and roll my eyes. Then I get really wicked. I have an ultrasound shot showing only one baby casually<br />

lying around. It works. Someone finds it and shares the latest juice with everyone. They stop bugging us for<br />

a while. We tell them the truth eventually.<br />

Spring 2009 Mazel Tov! The boy-girl twins I’ve been dreaming about since childhood have been granted to us by the<br />

One Above. Okay, maybe not exactly the way I planned..And, guess what? You think the tactless comments<br />

end with motherhood? Fuhgeddaboudit! “Sooo, what did you do?” “How many doctors did you have to<br />

see?” And even from people who don’t know me, “Are your twins natural?”<br />

POSITION May the infertility position forever remain unfilled!!!<br />

“If you will call your troubles experiences, and<br />

remember that every experience develops some<br />

latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and<br />

happy, however adverse your circumstances may<br />

seem to be.

Humor<br />

The Out of Body<br />

Experience<br />


82<br />

So, I was thinking. What really sets IVF apart from a regular<br />

conception? What really makes people out of the parsha<br />

(and those in the parsha as well, or shall we say, especially?) have<br />

the blood drain from their face upon hearing the three abovementioned<br />

ominous letters?<br />

The fact that it’s an out of body experience.<br />

And so, I decided, why not treat this like the out of body experience<br />

it is? I will donate my body for said cause, but no way<br />

do I plan to take an active emotional part in the procedures. I will<br />

be an outsider, watching the goings-on with interest, and enjoying<br />

the adventure while it lasts.<br />

Remember the Grand Trip Day in camp? Huddled in sweatshirts,<br />

bleary eyed from lack of sleep, holding a warm cup of coffee<br />

for survival as conversation is made between elaborate yawns and<br />

eye-contact consisting of a millimeter-wide slit. Well, can you<br />

imagine 2 weeks straight of this fun?! Work is forgotten, laundry<br />

is put on hold, as I ready myself to leave my house at this still and<br />

deliciously fresh pre-dawn hour. The delight of watching day take<br />

over the sky as the rest of the world slumbers! I surreptitiously<br />

make my way out, keeping my eyes on the windows of my especially<br />

nosy neighbors. This is straight out of a spy novel! Regular<br />

me, lurking in my driveway in the dead of night, as I discreetly

Devora Hollander<br />

await my ride, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible and<br />

avoid detection. The delicious thrill!<br />

And so, like the good ol’ days in camp, we travel, trying to keep<br />

the nausea in check, moodily complaining how TIRED we are and<br />

how it’s impossible to sleep under the circumstances we find ourselves<br />

in. Groggy eyed, with sleep still heavily coating our vocal<br />

cords, we talk some, and doze some, until we arrive.<br />

In this day and age we inhabit a world of people living at the<br />

thrilling edge of existence. Nothing suits the average American<br />

more than the tingling excitement and horror of feeling like one’s<br />

life is about to end any second, and then miraculously surviving<br />

as the amusement park ride screeches to a halt; getting off on<br />

wobbly legs while a queasy stomach protests with every step.<br />

Those thoughts swivel in my head as I extend my hand, or<br />

whichever part of my body is under construction at the time.<br />

(OUCH!! Who am I kidding here? This HURTS!)<br />

I close my eyes to revel in the thrill of it all. I’m fainting…inhale.<br />

I can’t handle this…exhale. Never again will I let this...….SUR-<br />

VIVED!<br />

And so at every part of any given procedure, I have another<br />

exciting little detail to add to my list of experiences. Surfers and<br />

spelunkers may think they have done it all. But they have yet to<br />

experience the feeling of their blood pressure soaring until a pulse<br />

can be felt in their eyes and at the very tippy ends of their toes, as<br />

I watch from the sidelines while my poor body is abused in ways<br />

too humiliating to mention.<br />

And let us not forget the roller-coaster ride that Mr. Hormone<br />

treats me to over the ensuing period of time. Up and Down, and<br />

Down and Up. What fun! The nausea comes in waves, too, but it<br />

only adds to the fun. What a ride!<br />

And as I wait for phone calls, and results, and answers, it’s as if<br />

I’m holding my breath at the climax of a novel. I go through several<br />

scenes in my mind, wondering… How will the Master Author end<br />

this one?<br />

Grim faced and subdued, the doctor entered the room. The couple<br />

looked at him intently as he sadly shook his head, avoiding their<br />

eyes.<br />

“The results,” he began tentatively, “are not very promising.”<br />

The couple left the room, their gait slower and more lethargic<br />

than ever before.<br />

Hey! Why am I being so negative?<br />

With a twinkle in his eye and a boom in his voice, the doctor<br />

heartily shook Husband’s hand.<br />

“It’s not every day we get to give over such wonderful news to<br />

our patients,” He said jovially. With a bounce in their step, the couple<br />

left the office.<br />

I sit their pondering and shuddering at the outcome and convince<br />

myself that this is not really me. It’s just a book that I’m reading,<br />

and just as soon as it is done, if I didn’t like it, I will simply close<br />

the book, give it some morbid thought, and then just go on with<br />

life.<br />

(Hey! Who exactly am I kidding here? But at least I will try. )<br />


83<br />

“If you're going to be able to look back at<br />

something and laugh about it, you might as<br />

well laugh about it now.

Humor<br />

19 Reasons<br />

to Rely Less on Doctors and More on Hashem:<br />

Because doctors are human, after all.<br />

A compilation of actual notes that doctors had written on their patients’ medical charts:<br />


The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.<br />

Talk about self-defamation.<br />

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared completely.<br />

Investigators are now on the case.<br />

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.<br />

Oh, right. The Bill of Rights doesn’t include “freedom to live”.<br />

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.<br />

Was she that desperate to go to the doctor?<br />

Healthy appearing, decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.<br />

To a point that he forgets that he’s supposed to be mentally alert.<br />

The patient refused an autopsy.<br />

He was so adamant about it, that he resuscitated himself to state his opinion.<br />

The patient has no past history of suicides.<br />

We were surprised to see him alive, so we checked his record.<br />

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.<br />

We are trying to convince him to leave his red blood cells with us.<br />

Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a forty pound weight gain in the past three days.<br />

A greater gain was expected, according to the amount of kiddaishim he had attended on Shabbos.<br />

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.<br />

I wonder which had a better taste.<br />

She is numb from her toes down.<br />

Which direction?<br />

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.<br />

To the point that she doesn’t even know if her head is hurting or not.<br />

Patient was alert and unresponsive.<br />

He was probably being rude on purpose.<br />

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.<br />

We found that doing the exercise under an automobile is more beneficial than your method.<br />

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.<br />

Avoiding the skin transplant we thought we would have to perform.<br />

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.<br />

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.<br />

I guess he believed in Afterlife.<br />

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.<br />

It is a lot easier than healing him.<br />

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.<br />




Chizuk<br />

FORUM<br />

What Do You Think?<br />

Posted by: G.E. Jun 10 2009, 12:44 PM<br />

Someone recently called me up about working with her sons.<br />

After sounding very interested, she asked me how old my oldest<br />

child was. I responded that I do not have any of my own children<br />

but I have helped several hundred kids for many years. Her tone<br />

changed and she hung up without committing.<br />

DH asked me what that was about, and I told him that someone<br />

doesn’t want to use me b/c I don’t have kids. He thought that<br />

made no sense. I answered that she must assume I don’t have the<br />

requisite life experience to understand children. Sure enough, she<br />

called me back yesterday with some far fetched excuse that she has<br />

to use someone else.<br />

I know I am asking a biased audience, but what do you guys<br />

think? Is having kids an important factor to whether or not you<br />

can empathize with kids?<br />

I wish I could ask live friends what they think but that would<br />

just elicit pity so it’s not worth it...<br />

Thanks for your opinions! <br />

wrong.<br />

Now, one who has children MAY be MORE empathetic, but I<br />

think it really just depends on the person and the situation.<br />

And for the record, WE ARE ALL LIVE FRIENDS!! <br />

tzip<br />

Posted by: Estie Jun 10 2009, 03:34 PM<br />

Of course it depends on the person, but sometimes someone<br />

without kids is not burnt out from dealing with their own children<br />

and actually does a better job than someone with kids.<br />

Posted by: Sarah770 Jun 10 2009, 04:34 PM<br />

Totally agree with the above posts! I have had many situations<br />

where people think I don’t know about children because I DON’T<br />

HAVE ANY YET. However, I went to school for child development<br />

and have been working with children for over a decade. The only<br />

thing we are lacking is first hand experience giving birth, nursing<br />

etc. Last time I checked that has nothing to do with being good at<br />

working with children. Don’t even bat an eyelash, she is just plain<br />

ignorant.<br />

Posted by: zezy Jun 10 2009, 05:00 PM<br />


Posted by: tzips Jun 10 2009, 03:04 PM<br />

If having kids was a prerequisite, then there would be no single or<br />

childless assistants or teachers in schools, and children would not<br />

love their single/childless aunts and uncles. This woman, for whatever<br />

reason, thinks that it takes one to know one, but she is VERY<br />

I agree with all the above posts - giving birth doesn’t suddenly<br />

make a great mom and there are plenty amazing teachers etc. who<br />

don’t have kids...if anything we can give more coz all our love and<br />

attention goes to the kids we work with since we don’t have our<br />

own to pamper, love, and help...<br />

Don’t give this another thought; she’s just unaware and not in<br />


the know - you’ll get other parents and students who DO appreciate<br />

your work!!! <br />

Posted by: 97602 Jun 10 2009, 06:02 PM<br />

I agree with what everyone has said. It depends on the personality<br />

either way, making no difference whether or not someone is a<br />

mother. A person can understand and feel for children the same, if<br />

not better, from classes and experience of working with other children.<br />

The mother may have not wanted to send her child because of<br />

feeling uncomfortable working with someone without. She may<br />

have felt that every time she talks (complains or praises) her child it<br />

may cause you harm and she did not want to place herself in this<br />

“uncomfortable” situation.<br />

Posted by: crackle Jun 10 2009, 06:43 PM<br />

From a SIFer point of view: I do have a child but somehow I<br />

don’t see how that would make me more qualified for the job then<br />

you. I personally do not have patience for other peopel’s children.<br />

That’s why I’m not a preschool morah or a tutor. I know many single<br />

morahs that are great with kids.<br />

Posted by: Ambitious Jun 10 2009, 07:59 PM<br />

She might have hung up for a different reason. How about this:<br />

She thought she was talking to someone who has kids of her own,<br />

but when she found out that you don’t, she was purely shocked<br />

and thought that she might have offended you in some way by asking<br />

you to take care of kids when you don’t have any. Maybe she<br />

just didn’t know how to respond. But if she hung up because she<br />

thinks you won’t be good at it because you don’t have any of your<br />

own, then of course, she’s ignorant.<br />

of others or from my own . . .<br />

So qualification as a mother will not do too much of the job. . .<br />

rather the experience of working with kids will do it. . .<br />

But again, that’s how people are. I see it often and would describe<br />

it- not accepting or hear someone else’s advise or comments<br />

because s/he is not at the same stage as I am. . . as ‘very boxy’ or<br />

‘narrow minded’. . .<br />

Posted by: rmn Jun 11 2009, 08:52 AM<br />

Well, let’s ask a related question: Can you make a shidduch if you<br />

are single? My answer would be of course, but many people think<br />

it’s a no-no... same issue here (I think that woman made a great mistake,<br />

but, just my humble opinion).<br />

I think we all have certain biases about other people’s ability to<br />

relate to us if they’ve never experienced what we are going through<br />

(parents, dating, marriage, etc.). Thank you for sharing this experience<br />

with us. It certainly gave me a lot to think about.<br />

Posted by: BresloverWoman Jun 11 2009, 08:59 AM<br />

I have had this experience as well..<br />

People feel that you are somehow more mature and able to handle<br />

their kids if you have your own!<br />

I am sorry that this happened to you. It’s frustrating to no end<br />

but I found that other opportunities come up and are typically better.<br />

Do I really want to work for a mother who thinks I am incapable<br />

of handling her child?<br />

Posted by: zyx Jun 11 2009, 03:42 PM<br />

My sister uses a babysitter that doesn’t have any kids of her own<br />

and she does a GREAT job. Just proves that you don’t need to be a<br />

mother in order to deal with other children...<br />


87<br />

Posted by: Hashemlovesme Jun 10 2009, 10:42 PM<br />

I think that it is very sad that she felt that you are not capable<br />

enough to understand children because you don’t have you’re own<br />

yet. I have a friend who is a very successful child therapist and she<br />

does not have children of her own yet. I agree with the other posts.<br />

Sometimes before we have children we have so much to give, so<br />

much love bottled up inside of us, that we can give so much to<br />

other children.<br />

Posted by: zan frelich Jun 11 2009, 08:19 AM<br />

I’d say, it’s rather to look for an educated therapist with years of experience,<br />

love and understanding to kids then one who is a mother<br />

of kids, since when a child needs help you need to chose for him<br />

someone who’ll see him as an individual to himself and demand for<br />

him according to his ‘kochot nafash’ and not compare him to your<br />

own or kids his age. . . I’d say the root of the problem is comparing<br />

and then demanding from a child according to what is demanded<br />

Posted by: Full-of-Bitachon Jun 11 2009, 08:12 PM<br />

That is so utterly frustrating and hurtful. I am sorry you had to<br />

deal with that!! Too bad that she lost out on having a fantastic<br />

teacher for her child. It is certainly her loss, not yours!!!<br />

The nature of the matter is proof in and of itself that giving birth<br />

and raising children isn’t necessary to be a great teacher or empathizer<br />

of children. She has her child and she obviously can’t help<br />

him. Motherhood didn’t give her those skills. That’s why she is seeking<br />

help. I don’t know why she thinks someone else has to have children<br />

to know how to teach them, if it doesn’t work the other way<br />

around!<br />

Anyway, obviously, as you said, we are a biased audience, but her<br />

comment and decision is certainly ignorance. Some of the best<br />

teachers and therapists I know are still single (unfortunately). If anything,<br />

having less home responsibility in terms of family life or kids<br />

one after the other, allows one to fully invest in work and seek out<br />

new trainings, update and upgrade materials, etc. Personally, I put<br />

everything I had in life <strong>into</strong> my clients when I was single and was

FORUM<br />

able to continue doing that even after I got married for the first few<br />

years, particularly because of IF. I was extremely devoted and available<br />

for my clients at all hours, etc. Once I had my daughter, she obviously<br />

took priority, although I am still fully present and invested<br />

when at work. Nevertheless, I automatically take less of my clients<br />

home with me than I used to. Personally, I think the clients that I<br />

worked with before my daughter was born were more fortunate, in<br />

terms of my time, patience, and investment. In any event, I don’t<br />

think my understanding of children has changed at all! My understanding<br />

of life continues to change as I go through different circumstances,<br />

but IF has made me more understanding, not less!!<br />

May you soon be zoche to excel at understanding both your students<br />

and your own kinderlach at the same time!!! One thing is for<br />

sure: If you can love and understand others’ children, you will certainly<br />

be able to easily empathize, love, and understand your own!!<br />

Posted by: naamimara Jun 14 2009, 07:58 AM<br />

I really felt quite upset at reading your post. this would seem to<br />

add unnecessary pain to IF, and I can only rely on the words of<br />

Dovid Hamelech quoted by the sefer chinuch (Shmuel II 16:11) on<br />

the mitzva not to take revenge<br />

יִל ה ביִׁשֵהְו ‏;(יִניֵעְּב)‏ ינועב ה הֶאְרִי יַלּוא ‏.ה ‏ֹול-רַמָא יִּכ—לֵּלַקיִו ‏ֹול ‏ּוחִּנַה<br />

‏.הֶּזַה םֹוּיַה ‏ֹותָלְלִק תַחַּת ‏,הָבֹוט<br />

Let him curse, because Hashem told him to. Maybe Hashem will see<br />

my suffering, and return for me a good in exchange for this cursing<br />

on this day.<br />

Working successfully with children is a gift and a skill. Some<br />

people have it, and some people don’t. She is unfortunate not to<br />

have you working with her sons, when you have so much<br />

experience and could have helped her out.<br />

Posted by: Apartment 29 Jun 14 2009, 04:10 PM<br />

I think that having your own children makes you more<br />

empathetic to YOUR OWN CHILDREN.<br />

As somebody else said, having a kid doesn’t make you have more<br />

patience for other kids (...and sometimes isn’t indicative of having<br />

any child understanding at all, unfortunately).<br />

You are great with kids- her loss! <br />

Brooklyn<br />

Monsey<br />

Lakewood<br />

England<br />


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tui sh xhcv ptrayhhgi nhr thz sgrptr’<br />

tz ehhbgr ztk bhay ptrayhhi ektr’<br />

uutx gx euny st ptr’<br />

uugi sh ptr pgkegr zgbgi dgeungi mu sh ctayhnyg mhhy’<br />

mu t dtx ptrayupy thi t zhhy’<br />

tbdgptbdgi vty zhl sgr ac, tzuh’<br />

thl uugk thhl ztdi dgbuh’<br />

cx"s<br />

ac, ak ygo’ tuhpwi drto<br />

ctmtki nhy tkgx uutx thhgr vtr. ctdgry/<br />

veusa’ uutx sti uugki nhr zhfgr zhhi dgvtkpgbg’ tni!!!<br />

btftntk’ t druhxi hhar fj ptrwi tvgraygki tzt ahhbgo ac,’ sgr rcua"g ztk thhl<br />

gx ckhhcy thcgr mu uutubyai: gx ztk auhi zhhi sh kgmyg ac,ui! tui nhr ztki tkg zufv zhhi<br />

mu kgfyhdg ehbsgrkgl tui gx ztk auhi nehuo uugri aua ,aha u,dk vgerv ccbhi hruakho ghr<br />

ktzy gx tubz thcgr nhy tptr uugrygr: gx vty zhl dgkuhby tsurl mu dhhi thbpgryhkgyh mu<br />

vtci sh zfhw mu egbgi nhykgci tzt dgvuhcgbg ac,!<br />

c"v<br />

tni/<br />

ty sh ptzhyhuug ckhe vty nhr sh dgvuhcgbg tui tunptrdgxkhfg ac, dgkgrby/<br />

uugi thl yrtfy murhe mu sh euugbekgbhai ptrwi ac, mu thl ztk "ht" tsgr "bhay" dhhi’<br />

zhl’ tsgr sh muuhhyg crhrv’ thz tbyui muuhh druhxg ayhuuk uutx rupy zhl "tnubv" tui "cyjui" tui<br />

tzuh surfaprhhzi sh auugrg uugd tui nhy sgo zhl thhbvtbskgi chhsg uugkyi/<br />

surfaptmhry sh auugrhehhyi/// t ngbya uutx vty auugrhehhyi thi kgci’ vty muuhh crhru,/ sh<br />

drhbdxyg uugd truhx thz "tuhpdgci" tui zhbegi thi sh prtckgngi tui gx ktzi ctvgrai thcgr<br />

zgbgi dgckhci ptraptry thbsgrvhho tui dguutry chz sh erhzhx uugy surfdhhi/ ptregry thz<br />

dguugi sh muuhhyg drupg’ sh zgbgi bhay sgrartei dguutri’ btr zhl tbdgyui sh vuhfg ayhuuk tui<br />

t auugrg vuhgfg abhh ayurgo vty zhl trtpdgktzy’ sh dtbmg truo thz dguutri uuh<br />

ptrtkhzhry/ zgbgi dguugi muuhh etygdtrhgx rgtemhgx: sh grayg’ uutx zgbgi cycg vtek’ sh<br />

btl t dgstbe///<br />

rhfyhdg bungr surl gpgbgi stx ,vkhowk tui yuv zhl uugbsi mu sgo tsui fk vbanu, tui nhy sh<br />

va,sku, ptrktz thl zhl thbdtbmi tuh; tho/<br />

grptkd gx ztk ptrrtfyi uugri/ nhy sgo dgstbe thi nj yuv thl prtchri uuhhygr tbmudhhi///<br />

hgsg surfdgptkgbg prtcg bgo thl bhay ti uuh nhhi pgrzgbkhfg prtckgo’ btr thl yuv rupi sh<br />

dguugbkhl uugi t ngbya dhhy tuhpi dtx tui gx thz st t prtckgo nhy sh xhhsuute’ bgny gr<br />

gx bhay ti mu pgrzgbkhl/ tuhc tcgr uugy gx tho aygri’ uugy gr rupi 113 tui uutryi nhy<br />

mu zgvi t uugky nhy ruyhbg surfpgkgr’ uutx vty dgrhxi chho vtr.’ vty zhl gx dgyuhay mu<br />

thbdtbmi t bhhg ckhe/<br />

sh dgvuhcgbg ac, uutx thr vty nhy tzuhphk dgyrhhatpy mudgdrhhy vty dgyuhay nhhi<br />

ckhe tuhpwi kgci/ murheeungbshd’ vtc thl sgrzgi thbdtbmi ti tbsgrg uugky uuh cgptr/ tbayty<br />

kfcus vnuxs vjauc "suru, ncurfho - gh yhho" ucrtao vnhhxs vrc atuk rtzgi akhy"t<br />

hhar fj ptr sh jaucwg khhbgr uutx vty zhl dgbungi sh mhhy tui tubz nhydgyhhky sgo vgrkhfi<br />

thcgrkgcgbha<br />

tui ztki nhr zufv zhhi kcht, dutkhbu’<br />

cnvrv chnhbu’<br />

t duyg uutl’<br />

crfu, btl thi btl’<br />

nhr zgbgi drhhy sgrmu’<br />

ztk stx btr zhhi sgr rmui pui vesua crul vut/<br />

tui tkg ztki nhr zufv zhhi tmhbsgr’<br />

zhl nanj zhhi nhy tubzgrg ehbsgr/<br />

sh dtbmg trdtbhztmhg ztk zhl auhi ptrntfi’<br />

tui nhr ztki auhi tn,wshd egbgi zhl prhhgi tui ktfi’<br />

tui uutubyai pui vtrmi yhpi ptr sh dtbmg napjv’<br />

haugu,’ crfv uvmkjv’<br />

ngi egi bhay ptryhd uugri stx mu ctarhhci’ tphku nhr ztki btr uugki’<br />

nnhkt uugki nhr zhl st tpaygki/<br />

ngi uugy stx fxsr dgsgbegi’<br />

tui zhl btl sh btfy cgbegi/<br />

sh ygb. sh rheusho’<br />

aunrhu uzufrhu vnv ngusho’<br />

uuh nhhgxygyha stx thz gx yteg dguugi’<br />

uutuhk thz sgr uugr gx vty stx mudgzgvi!<br />

ngi cgbyay ngi stuugby ngrhc tui vcskv sgo ac, mu ctdkhhyi’<br />

gx ptbdy zhl hgmy ti sgr xgus, nkfv nahjt’ nhy t yha t drhhyi/<br />

dganteg gxi thz drhhy uuhsgrtntk<br />

aka xgusu, thz stl thhbdgphry chh fkk hartk’<br />

ngi thz tchxk tuhxdgnuyagy’ tcgr pubsgxyuugdi bgny ngi sh nhv’<br />

stuugbgi nbjv mu vesua crul vut/<br />

btl sh xgusv thz auhi fngy bhay ehhi mhhy ptrckhci’<br />

sh mhhy thz tzuh abgk dguutri murhci/<br />

ptr etngbytri’ crhuui tui tryhekgi’ ahey ti th-nghk mu: gro.emita@enizagam<br />

t/p/<br />


zhmgbshd chho uutry’ uugi tuhci ti zhmy zhl tubzgr "j,i sbi" hgec<br />

vngku,/<br />

fkhk t nna zhuud’ ptxhdi zhhi nhy dguutri tuhpdgrtfyi<br />

thbgo "pgrmhdxyi ytd" dgcrtfi ygkgr’ "hgec nav thz t j,i<br />

dguutri"! tzt anjv thz stl tunctarhhckhl’ hgec nav thz c"v<br />

hgmy’ btl sh pgryg ntk’ strpi auhi sh khhbgr bhay uugri<br />

tbyuhay/// "gx vty dgvtkpi!" nhy prhhkhfg vgrmgr vty ngi<br />

"ahr vahrho"/<br />

"vubsgry zgfmhd ygd" pui tuhpayhhi nhy<br />

auugrg nh tui pktd ptrytdx’ tui ztdi nhy vtpgbubdxpukg dgphki<br />

pgrmhd ygd "ahr vahrho"/ thi tbsgrg<br />

uugrygr’ gx vty auhi dgvtkyi chh<br />

prtchri zhhi tnubv’ vty gr yrt. sh juze<br />

pui zhhbg jcrho’ btfntk tbdgvuhci sh<br />

tzuh yrtfy thr/ hgec nav tcgr vty<br />

tbdgbungi’ tz stx thz t bxhui pui vhnk mu<br />

vahrho" thz bhay "zhhi" xdukv/<br />

tzt nxhr, bpa’ tui thz btl tk. bhay<br />

dgvtkpi dguutri’ thz zhfgr tz "ahr<br />

uutky tuusth dguugi tz gr ztk btl thhbntk<br />

ztdi "ahr vahrho"/// btl srhh ntk ztdi nhy<br />

yhhgrg khhbgr: uutx uutky thr dgrtyi<br />

ptr hgec nav thi tzt mhhy? sh kgmyg ztl<br />

bhay dgvtkpi’ tui muo srhyi ntk tuhl<br />

bhay! uutx ptrt tbyuhaubd thz stx?!<br />

ntk "ahr vahrho" vty gx bhay dgvtkpi’<br />

vty stx muuhhyg ntk "ahr vahrho" tuhl<br />

sh khhbgr uugki tuusth uugri tbyuhay stx mu khhbgi’ tcgr stx<br />

thz dguugi sgr tn,/ pubey uuh chho grayi<br />

ptrzhfgry’ tz gr str; gx btl thhbntk yui’ tui sti thz gr t<br />

dgvtkpgbgr/<br />

nav vty dgvty t aytrehhy thi zhl’ tui nhy t pgxyehhy btfntk<br />

tbdgvuhci sh pgrmhd ygd/ zhhbg thbguuhhbhdxyg vrdaho vtci tho<br />

zhhbg jcrho vtci auhi dgktfy pui tho’ tz btl muuhh ntk uutx gx<br />

vty bhay dgvtkpi’ bgny gr zhl gx btftntk tubygr/// tcgr hgec<br />

mu tkgngiwx thcgrtaubd vty hgec nav truhxdguuhzi t<br />

aytrehhy’ tui tbdgvuhci btftntk sh pgrmhd ygd muo srhyi ntk///<br />

ptraktxi’ tui ngi vty btl tk. khhsgr bhay dgegby uutubyai<br />

ptr hgec nav’ nzk yuc/<br />

napjv’ uutx vtci nhydgvtkyi uuhphk fuju, hgec nav khhdy trhhi<br />

thi sgo "ahr vahrho" xdukv’ zgbgi sh agrh rjnho btl tk. dguugi<br />

nhy vtpgbubdxpukg<br />

dgphki "ahr vahrho"/<br />

auugrg nh tui pktd<br />

ptrytdx’ tui ztdi<br />

uugy tubz tuusth vgkpi ptrwi g,hs/<br />

"vubsgry zgfmhd ygd"<br />

pui tuhpayhhi nhy<br />

gx vty auhi<br />

dgvtkyi chh<br />

trhhbdgahey surl t ngncgr’ hhar fj<br />

zhfgr tz hgsg duyg pgukv uutx ngi yuy btr’ t hgsg ,phkv tsgr<br />

xdukv dhhy ehhbntk bhay kthcus/ vec"v khhdy gx zhfgr tuuge’ gx<br />

ngi vtci btl tptr ,phku, tui duyg pguku, tsgr xduku, tz sh<br />

chks ztk zhl grdgbmi’ tui mueungi mu sh rhfyhdg haugv/ tui stx thz<br />

dgcgyi/ tcgr sh tuhcbsgrntbyg ngav uutx vty zhl btruutx<br />

tpdgaphky’ dhy tubz ti tbsgrg ckhe’ tui uuhhzy tz muntk str;<br />

vty n,pkk dguugi dhhy j"u kthcus’ uuhhk<br />

ngi zgvy bhay gx ztk gpgx srtxyha ptxhri uuh nwuuhk tui nwvty<br />

sh prhgrshdg xdukv vty bhay dgvtkpi’ ngi<br />

egi tntk aphri tz sh ,phku, uutx ngi<br />

dgyui gpgx t xdukv’ tcgr ngi bgny zhl<br />

bhay tubygr btl’ uuhhk ngi thz tbyuhay tz<br />

nhr tkg vtci auhi zhfgr txtl ntk zhl<br />

neck dguugi ptrahsgbg duyg ecku, tsgr<br />

nhr tkg vtci pui mhhy mu mhhy<br />

euugbekgbhai’ tuhc nhr ztki yui xduku,/<br />

•••<br />

dgcrgbdy bgbygr mu zhhi ahsul!<br />

phr ntk "ahr vahrho" pgrmhd ygd’ tui<br />

hgmy zgy ngi tz hgsg pgrmhd ygd vty btr<br />

sh ngav/ uuh uutubsgrkhl zgbgi sgo<br />

ctagpgrx uugdi’ tz sgr j,i vty dgztdy<br />

gxphgy mui yui’ thhsgr gx zgbgi tuhpdaprhbdgi sh j,i tui zhhi<br />

napjv’ tui ptrmhhky sh tbsgrg zhhy pui<br />

sgr nju,i vty dguutky tuhxphri sh druhxg jxsh vao’ tz gr<br />

vty crul vao zufv dguugi mu sh ahsufho tcgr gr vty stx bhay<br />

hgmyhdg fkv’ thz nhhi pgryg ytfygr t fkv mu uugri’ thi tzt eurmg<br />

tpabhy pui t vtkcg htr!<br />

gpgx kgmybx vty zhl gx dgdgci t ayup ptrtuhx’ hgsg pgrmhd<br />

ygd cgrl vtc thl t ahsul dgyui nhy ti tbsgrg ytfygr! tui sh<br />

ferhg, ho xu;"/ tcgr sgr ytd vty zhl bhay ctuuhzi tuhpwi<br />

vtrhztby/<br />

bhay dgdtbdgi ehhi ahsufho’ ngi vty zhl dgnuyagy dgpgrkhl tui<br />

dguutry tuh; sh rhfyhdg "auugrg" nhbuy pui "eav zhuuhdu ak tso<br />

nav nhy t ahhbshdgi pbho’ vty sgr nju,i - sgr ytyi pui sh fkv<br />

ptrmhhky: gr vty dgvty thi ayuc 4 nhhskgl’ tui gx thz gpgx<br />

We are currently updating the names on our Labor/tehillim packet.<br />

Since there are many distinguished Rabbonim who advocate reciting Tehillim for others whilst in the throes of childbirth, among<br />

them Rabbi Mordechai Finkelman, Rav Yosefi and Rav Nissim Yagen of Yerushalayim, we have compiled a beautiful tefilla said<br />

while in labor along with a Tehillim list of our couples upon the couples’ request. We send it to OB/GYN offices, to labor coaches,<br />

doulas as well as expectant couples (upon request). If you would like to be on this list please contact Chani:<br />

Email: admin@atime.org • Call: 718-686-8912 ext. 200 • Fax: 718-686-8927<br />

Please make sure to include the following information:<br />

Your First & Last Name Contact Phone #<br />

Husband’s Full Hebrew Name<br />

Wife’s Full Hebrew Name<br />

Please make sure the spelling is correct.<br />

Please note, we only accept names given by the individual couples and only the Tehillim names are printed.<br />



ztdi chho "b. vjnv" uutx sti thz t nurtwshdgr ag, vfuar’ tui<br />

nhy t aytreg crgi vty gr gx tbdgvuhci mu ztdi ptr pgrmhd ygd’<br />

thi t ahhbgo ytd vty gr dgftpy ti v,gurru, tbmuvhhci ztdi<br />

"ahr vahrho" ptr pgrmhd ygd/ gr vty dgbungi sh xdukv pui gx<br />

uugy ckhhci t ptrzgxgbgr cjur vhhcy ti mu phhbhdgi pui mhhy mu<br />

mhhy/<br />

tcgr hgec nav uugry bhay hubdgr’ sh htri zhhbg ruei zhl btr<br />

tuh; truh;’ gr uugry auhi bgbygr mu sh srhhxhd’ tui sgr pjs tz gr<br />

tho/ bhay tz gr pkgdy gx tuugentfi’ btr uuh xwnhhby bhay tho/<br />

xdukv dgcgrx vtci duy dgegby hgec navwx tsrgx/ tcgr hgec<br />

nav thz dguugi pui sh xtry’ uutx xduku, vtci bhay tpgkhry mu<br />

zhhi rhfyhdgr zhuud vty zhl btfbhay tpdgrupi/<br />

gec nav thz sgr tkygr cjur’ uutx hgsgr thi auk uuhhxy<br />

bgcgl tz gr uutry tuh; zhhi ctagryi auhi thcgr mgi htr/<br />


uugi gr tui zhhbg btbyg zgbgi zhfgr tz ty ty zgy ngi auhi sh haugv/<br />

gx thz ptrayhhy zhl bhay tbdgeungi khhfy/ tuhpmuayhhi chho<br />

tcgr muo tbyuhaubd pui tho tui pui zhhbg duyg prhhby tui<br />

ygd/ pgrmhd<br />

nxhru, bpa tuhpdgaytbgi chho "b. vjnv"’ tui zhl dgaytrey nhy<br />

t vtr. puk nhy vtpgbud’ tui vty btftntk dgztdy "ahr vahrho"<br />

tunr uguav’ nhy ti v,jsau, uutx thz dgeungi nhy muuhhpk thi<br />

sh zhhy’ mu stx ntk uugy sh pgrmhd ygd ht vgkpi’ thz gr nhy<br />

dgvtkpgbgr/<br />

uugy prtchri btl thhbntk mu ztdi "ahr vahrho" pgrmhd ygd chho<br />

“b. vjnv”’ tui btl muuhh ntk pgrmhd ygd uugy gr zhfgr zhhi t<br />

xdukv pui pgrmhd ygd "ahr vahrho" vty bhay dgcrgbdy ehhi phru,<br />

ptr hgec nav/ tcgr hgec nav vty zhl bhay nhhta dguugi’ gr<br />

gx thz trhcgr pgrmhd ygd’ thi euk uthi gubv’ ehhi ygkgpti vty<br />

bhay dgekhbdgi’ ngi vty bhay tbdgyrtdi ehhi ahsul/ vehmur’ sh<br />

bhay thi tzkgfg tunaygbsi/<br />

"b. vjnv" thz pui sh auugrhehhyi uutx sgr du; ktzy bhay mu tzuh<br />

abgk’ gx etxy vhca fuju, gx tuhxmuphri/ tcgr uutx yuy ngi<br />

jhzue<br />

וויפיל סגולות<br />

זאל איך טוהן ?...<br />

י<br />


jhzue<br />

j/ turbayhhi<br />

t ngfyhdg egbhd phk ebgfy tui shbxy ptrntdy’<br />

ayhhgi drhhy tuhxmuphri tkgx uutx gr ztdy/<br />

sgr bnak ekgr thl thz dtr ptraygbskhl’<br />

ebgfy tui shbxy zgbgi nhr ngbyagkgl/<br />

ptrdkhxy zhl tntk ptri egbhd zhhgr dgyrhhatpy tuhxmupruּtuui’<br />

euny tho tuhpi dgstbe t pkti t ntxhuui/<br />

sgr nkl nkfh vnkfho vesua crul vut’<br />

vty tubz trtpdgahey tuh; sh uugky stvh/<br />

bgny tphr pui zhhi tumr ayhhbgr tui shntbyi yhhgrg’<br />

muaprhhy tui muzhhy zhh ti tuhxztdi sh ctvgkygbha zhhgrg/<br />

gk fi hgzuc tha t, tchu ut, tnu vty gr ctpuhki’<br />

sgr mhk kac, hmrv thz tubz bhay ptrvuhki/<br />

sh dtr yhhgrg uutx yugi sh ngrxyg phbekgi’<br />

uugri ptraygey thi sh yhpxyg uuhbekgi/<br />

trtpmucrgbdgi tuh; sh uugky yhhgrg turu,’<br />

uutx ztki uuhhygr tuhpaygki grkhfg thshag suru,/<br />

sgr egbhd’ gr rupy tkg shbgr muzto’<br />

ctpgky’ thl uuhk tkgx zgvi murhe ti tuhxbto/<br />

mu atpi t bj, ruj ptri cuf"g ytd btl ytd’<br />

thz uugrs t hgsg nhv tui pktd/<br />

hgsgr ztk zhl bgngi t au,; mu sh zhhy’<br />

truhxdhhi tuhpzufi sh shtntbyi btby tui uuhhy/<br />

tcgr thi sh mhhy uutx chh ruc dhhy gx uuh dganhry’<br />

vty chh tbsgrg sh vadjv tbsgra dgphry/<br />

ehhi mhhy’ dgky tui fj bhay auhbgi’<br />

ptr gbegr trcgy uugk thl thhl duy ctkuhbgi/<br />

uugi sh jcrho tui napjv yugi auhi ehbsgr ptrntdi’<br />

yugi nhr btl tkx tuntuhpvgrkhl zhl pktdi/<br />

zhh ktzi zhl tkg truhx tuhpi uugd’<br />

chh txtl gx bgny tptr uutfi tui ygd’<br />

dgauuhxygr tui btbyg prtuugi anju, thi druhxi’<br />

tcgr nhr zgbgi bgcgl uuh dgckhci thbsruhxi/<br />

zhhgr zufgbha gx mtky zhl abgk tuhx’<br />

sh anjv thi ptkt. thz dtr druhx/<br />

nhr srhhgi zhl truo pui thhi steygr muo muuhhyi’<br />

gx zgvy zhl bhay ehhi ge mu sh auugrg mhhyi/<br />

nhy druhx prhhs zhh uugri gbyptbdgi’<br />

pui tkg zhhyi nwyuvy zhh n,bu, sgrktbdgi/<br />

ktbdg yubegkg etrhstri auhi duy ctetby’<br />

tcgr btl tkgo’ btl tk. nwytpy t uutby/<br />

ptr dgmhhkyg gx bgny tcgr jsaho tui htri’<br />

thcgr phkg aygy tui kgbsgr zhh ptri/<br />

gx uutky zhl tubz tpar dgegby stfyi’<br />

tz nhr uugki auhi tzuh ckhhci antfyi/<br />

uuhphk fuju, zhh khhdi btr trhhi sgrhbgi’<br />

egbgi zhh ehhi ayhhbsgkgl bhay dgpubgi/<br />

vhhby tcgr ptrayhhgi nhr auhi sh kgxi’<br />

ngi vty pui tubz cfkk bhay ptrdgxi/<br />

sh zufgrhhgi gx ptki surl ti t mtk’<br />

tcgr zhh dgci bhay tuh; thhbntk tui btftntk/<br />

bhay tzgkfg dgyrhhg ehbsgr uuh tubz prgdi’<br />

bx,rho srfh sw’ nhr ptrayhhgi bhay zhhbg uugdi/<br />

sh dhhxy chh zhh bhay gx ptky’<br />

dtrbhay thz ptr zhh ehhi tpvtky/<br />

nhr yugi btr sh buhyhdg va,sku, tui ygxyi’<br />

stx thcrhdg ktzi nhr ptr tho’ tui vtpi tuhpi cgxyi/<br />

sgo ctkhcyi egbhd mu sgrprhhgi’<br />

sgrptr thz uugrs tkg zufgrhhgi/<br />

t kgfyhdg zhxg banvwkg uutry tubz canh ngk’<br />

thh’ ptruutx zgbgi nhr btfbhay zufv sgruuhhk?<br />

thi vuhpyayty chh hgsi zhh uugri uuh ptrdgxi’<br />

ehhbgr uuhhxy bhay zhhgr auugrg trcgy mu agmi/<br />

vao h,crl sgr burt ,vhku,’<br />

dkuxy xpgmhgk btl tubzgrg ,phku,/<br />

sgr egbhd tcgr ptrdgxy bhay pui zhh ehhi ytd’<br />

gr agpy phk bj, pui zhhgr nhv tui pktd/<br />

gr euugky mu zgvi sh vhhkhdg gcusv’<br />

pui zhhbg ebgfy tui shbxy - tbt gcst/<br />

gbegr dgyrhhatpy vty nhr sh ngrxyg tbymhey’<br />

sgrptr vtc thl gbe btl sh yhhgrxyg dgahey/<br />

vah", ztdy’ ha afr yuc kpguk,fo’<br />

gyx uugyx btl zgvi txtl bj, vmpui kfo/<br />

btl tchxk tui gbegr vtrguutbhg uugy zhl tuhxmtki’<br />

gbegr afr sgruh; thz bhay ngdkhl tuhxmuntki/<br />

btl tptr etphykgl ,vkho’<br />

tui ty ty uacu cbho kdcuko/<br />

מיר זוכן די טייערסטע...‏<br />



mudgchbsi tui btby mu tho’ tui stx dhy xhpue tui kgci ptr t ngbya!<br />

sh ycg pui t ngbya thz tz uugi gr vty t mrv tui gr uugry dgvtkpi’ stx thz uutx dhy jhu, ptr t ngbya! nhy sgo uutx nwaphry<br />

zhl tbdguutbsi tuh; sh aygbshdg jxsho pui vah",’ tui ngi kgcy nhy sgo ctagpgrwx vadjv pryh, tuh; yrhy tui arhy’ uugry ngi<br />

thz nxchr sgr j,o xupr:<br />

tkgx duyx uutx thl vtc dgyui ptrntdi vtc thl ehhi auo ygo thi kgci bhay dgyui vtci///!<br />

pui mgyk: t thcgrdgktzy vty gr<br />

dguugi tntk t ngbya uutx vty pui tkgo duyi dgyui ptrntdi’ akuo ch,/// dgzuby/// duyg ehbsgr/// t ,urvwshdg ayuc/// tui sgrmu t<br />

ahhbg prbxv/// tcgr uuh grayuhbgbs’ vty gr zhl k"g dgbungi stx kgci///!!<br />

gx uugry dgcrgbdy t nurtwshdg uutry pubgo vhhkhdgr j,o xupr:<br />

sh zgkcg str; ngi uuhxi tz ftya nwnhhby tntk tz hgbgnwx drtz<br />

zhkcgr tui eupgr// tcgr nhy sgo tkgo uugy ngi gx thhchd btr<br />

srhhgi sh zgkcg uugd///<br />

2( sh srhhsk egi dgntfy uugri pui ptrahsgbg ntyrhtki/ gx<br />

uugry dgntfy pui vtk.’ pkgxyhe tui ayhhi// tui tphku dtks’<br />

tpdgarhcgbg pkti pui tuhci’ dtrbhay ptxhry bhay tkhhbx///<br />

srhhy sgo ngbya tuh; yrhy tui arhy///<br />

hgsg ztl uutx ptxhry tui uuhtzuh gx phry zhl thz nhy t<br />

stx tkgx surfsgo uuhhk ngi vty tzuh<br />

dgsrhhy pui tuhci/// sgr ctagpgr phry tui<br />

tuh; yrhy tui arhy pui tuhci nhy ti vadjv<br />

pryh,/// tui btfngr strpi nhr tkx aygbshd<br />

uuhxi tui dgsgbei’ tz uuh tzuh sh kgci ztk<br />

zhl btr srhhgi muo duyi tsgr ptregry’ thz<br />

stx zgkcg uuhhxi nhr tz t ngbya vtky<br />

zhl bhay tkhhbx btr nhr uugri tbdgvtkyi<br />

tuh; uugkfg uugd nwuugy tho srhhgi pui tuhci<br />

tzuh uugy zhl sh dtbmg srhhsk srhhgi///<br />

tui uuh tuhl uugy zhl gx bhay srhhgi tkhhbx’<br />

btr tz ngi uugy tho srhhgi pui tuhci/// tui<br />

1( tuhc ngi vtky bhay ti sh srhhsk pui<br />

tuhci uugy gx bhay egbgi ayhhi tkhhbx///<br />

nhr egbgi zhl tpkgrbgi sgrpui truhxmubgngi<br />

t jhzue sgrpui///<br />

tbdgbungi chh fkk hartk nsur sur’ thz thbygrgxtby mu tuhpptxi<br />

tuh; ptrahsgbg aytreg dgstbegi uutx<br />

ctyrtfygbshd sgo srhhsk’ xhh thi sh gmo mtnaygk pui sh<br />

"srhhsk"’ tui uuh tuhl uuhtzuh nhr aphki zhl sgrnhy uuh gx thz auhi<br />

sh ngbya pubgo ruyhbgo ruthdi kgci///<br />

nwuugy tkx btr pruchri zhl mu aytrei tui nxsr zhhi’ uugy gx thhchd<br />

xu; fk xu; zhhi aygregr pui sh ngbyakhfg fuju, tui tuugeakgpi<br />

zhhi dtr t druhxg dguuhbx///<br />

dtr dguugi t yucv’<br />

dgptki tui gx euey<br />

tuhx akgfy thz stx<br />

gx thz akgfy/ gx egi<br />

tntk zhhi tz tphku nwthz<br />

tubz’ tz tphku nwptky<br />

nuz btfbhay nhhbgi tz<br />

stx thz dtr t<br />

aytreg khnus ptr<br />

pruchry tui nwptky uuhsgr tsurl bhay zggbshd sh haugv’ ztk ngi<br />

tcgr dgsgbei tz t dguuhbx btl tzuhphk prutuui tui surfpgkgr uugy<br />

stx zgkcg thz tuhl chh tubzgr nmc’ uutx tphku gx ntfy zhl<br />

tkx auugrgehhyi nhy txtl surfpgkgr’ aphrbshd tz nwpruchry tui<br />

dguuhbx nhywi "d" )tsgr kuhy yhhk thz stx sh "b"//( btfsgo uugy zhhi<br />

phk ngr///<br />

tptr ntk sgo "a" )uutx ctshhy tz hgsgr<br />

aygky tui nwsrhhy btftntk//(’ uuhhk sh<br />

4( uuh tuhl thz fsth tbmungrei tz pubey<br />

uuh chho srhhsk aphk kuhby zhl mu cteungi<br />

tntk uuh nhr ptki’ egi stx tcgr zhhi muo<br />

duyi zhhy///<br />

ptr tho’ vah", thz tubzgr dgyrhhg ytyg<br />

uutx vty tubz khc’ tui tphku nhr aphri<br />

akgfy thz stx dtr dguugi t yucv’ uuhhk t<br />

ngbya uuhhxy bhay thhchd uutx gx thz duy<br />

tz gx thz akgfy/ gx egi tntk zhhi tz<br />

tphku nwthz dgptki tui gx euey tuhx<br />

stx thz dtr t aytreg khnus ptr<br />

tubz’ tz tphku nwptky nuz btfbhay nhhbgi<br />

gykhfg zhhyi uuh gx egi ptki tui gx uugy<br />

tuhl tntk ptki mu sh duyg zhhy///<br />

3( uugi sh srhhsk ptky’ uugy stx bhay<br />

thhchd ptki mu sh akgfyg zhhy’ gx vty<br />

hgsgr ctn, sh zgkcg’ hgsgr vty zhl zhhbg cgxgrg tui auutfgrg<br />

mhhyi tui auugrhehhyi uutx gr str; thcgreungi///<br />

zhfgr t kgci ti ehhi auugrhehhyi’ kgrbgi nhr zhl tcgr tp pubgo<br />

srhhsk tz bhay ehhi jhkue uuh tzuh gx euey tuhx tuhxgrkhl thz<br />

thz drhbgr/// hgbgr uutx thz rhhfgr tui ngr dgkubdgi dhhy zhfgr<br />

cgxgr stx kgci’ tui sgr uutx thz agbgr tvgrdgaygky vty

c/ xupr<br />

bvd hartk thi sh hnh vjbufv mu aphki srhhsk/ gx thz ti<br />

tbdgbungbg nbvd chh dtb. fkk hartk druhx uuh ekhhi’<br />

tuhc gx thz chh hgsg dguugbkhfg pry tzuh ptraygbskhl’ thz chh<br />

tubz ptrpgkegr’ thi tubzgr nmc’ cfkk thcrhd xhh uugkfg vxcrho’<br />

zebho go bgrho///<br />

nxchr mu zhhi uutx gx nhhby tz stx kgci srhhy zhl/// uuhhk nhr kgci<br />

stx fxsr nhy tuh; yrhy tui arhy’ kgcbshd thi sh nmc uutx gx<br />

thz tntk fsth trhhbmuyrtfyi thi sh nmhtu, pui sgo ekhhbgo<br />

"srhhsk"/// uutx stx thz’ tui uutx sh aphk thz’ tui uutx nhr egbgi<br />

thz tubz ctagry tsurfmudhhi’ thz stx nna tubzgr xsr vhuo/// sgr<br />

nmc - ju. uutx gx ntfy cfkkhu, mucrtfi t ngbya’ uugrbshd<br />

zhl dtr tphku tpkgrbgi sgrpui dguuhxg gbhbho uutx gx egi tubz<br />

tchxk budg zhhi tuhpwi kgci/<br />

tpdgnuyagy pui sh tkg auugrhehhyi phzha tui dhhxyha - crgbdy<br />

gx btl nhy zhl nhy ngr cpryhu, thrg btfuuhhgi tui prtckgngi’<br />

uuh stx kgci uugry ptrsrhhy tui muptri///<br />

tui stx thz nna nhsh jusa cjsau’ nhsh acug uacug’ nhsh huo<br />

chunu’ tui tphku dtr nhsh agv uagv/// vhhby ayhhy ngi tuh; muprh<br />

"stx kgci srhhsy zhl///" stx thz ti tbdgbungbg nmhtu, uutx<br />

ehhbgr egi bhay ptrkhhegbgi’ stx zgvy ngi fxsr crujbhu, ucdanhu,’<br />

chh xhh uugo tui chh xhh uugkfg nmhtu,/ vhhby thz sgr rhhl<br />

tui sgr tpdgakhxi tui bgexyg jusa ptregry/// mu thz stx thi<br />

kuhpbshd ptrytdx nhy t ptzhyhuug dgphk tz tkgx uugy zhhi duy tui<br />

phhi’ tui ntrdi nhy t ptregryg dgphk uugrbshd mucrtfi pui sh<br />

sh phbtbmhgkg uugky uuh nwvtky thi thhi zgvi uuh sh uugky srhhy zhl’<br />

vhhby thz sh getbtnhg duy tui ntrdi akgfy tui thcgr ntrdi btl<br />

kgmyg rgzukytyi/// ju. uutx dhhxyha bgny stx thbdtbmi thcgr<br />

sgo ngbya’ uugy stx dguugbkhl tuhl phzha ptrsrhhgi sgo ruyhbgo<br />

grdgr tui bgexyg uutl murhe cgxgr/// tzuh tuhl thi sh ptkhyhag<br />

uugky’ vhhby thz sgr druhx tui ctrhny tui sgr muuhhygr thz tpdgprgdy<br />

chh hgsgo’ tui thcgrntrdi thz thbdtbmi ptregry//// gx<br />

pgky zhl ctn, bhay tuhx ehhi xpgmhphag nakho uuhhk stx zgbgi<br />

xsr vhuo’ uutx uugry ptrsrhhy pubgo kuhpi ptrytdx mu tpuhbyngbyx<br />

tui thbnhyi ytd tuugekuhpi tuhpmuyui uutx ngi str; tuhpyui///<br />

vehmur’ gx bgny thbdtbmi thcgr sgo ngbya’<br />

tuugeakgpbshd thoqthr pui xhh uugkfi btrntki xsr vjhho/// uuhphk<br />

tbdgbungbg pteyi uutx nhr zggi tui vtkyi stx nhy ytd ygdkhl<br />

tz gx euey auhi fngy tuhx uuh btyurkhfg dgaggbhai/<br />

די דריידל...‏<br />


jhzue<br />

dgzgmi chi thl///<br />

thi steygrwx tphx tuh; t ctzul///<br />

sh uutry-ztk uuhrcgky nhy ngbyai phk///<br />

hgsgr trhhbdgyui thi zhhi thhdgbg mhk///<br />

tui thl muuhai zhh///<br />

yuv ktzi nhhbg njacu, kuhpi prhh///<br />

mu uugk thl yteg egbgi sgrdrhhfi?///<br />

muo mhk tk. yhyk "ntng" grrhhfi?///<br />

nhhbg tuhdi muo vhnk thl yuv tuhpvhhci///<br />

vhhkhdg ctagpgr’ su chxy sgr rupt’ mu shr yuv thl vtpi tui dkhhci///<br />

tkgx uutx thl yuv thz va,sku, pui nhhi zhhy///<br />

tcgr su ctagpgr’ aygbshd nhy vtpgbubd su ctdkhhyxy///<br />

tui pui muuhai nhhbg njacu, t euk pui dguuhhi thl vgr///<br />

thl srhh zhl tuhx mu zgvi uugr thz sgr///<br />

tui pui sgr zhhy///<br />

sgrzgi vtc thl t duhwhag ptָr zhmy tui uuhhby///<br />

ptraytbgi vtc thl pui muuhai zhhgrg yrgri///<br />

tz mu duyg bhhgx vtci zhh bhay dgyui vgri///<br />

gx thz dguugi t rjnbu, tuh; zhh mu ckhei///<br />

ehhbgr yuy zhl bhay tuh; zhh tuneuei///<br />

tui "thl" uuh tbsgra yuy gx zhhi///<br />

thi hgsg nmc chi thl bhay "tkhhi"///<br />

thl vtc t ytyg stry thi vhnk///<br />

uutx hgsg ,phkv’ hgsg pgukv ntfy t rga tui yunk///<br />

tarhbu nv yuc jkehbu gx uuhk zhl zhbdgi t khs///<br />

tar cjr cbu nfk vgnho - dgkuhcy chxyu ctagpgr tz thl chi t ths!!!<br />

מיר זענען<br />

קיינמאל<br />

נישט אליין

ehhbntk bhay tuhpvgri shr khc mu vtci///ww<br />

jbhu,/ sh janubtho vtci pruchry nkjnv mu vtkyi tui tuhxdgrupi<br />

"nh kvw tkh///!" tcgr khhsgr zgbgi uuhhbhd pui fkk hartk dguugi ptrrgfby<br />

thi sgo etygdtrhg/// thsi zgbgi dguugi ptraktpi thi t auugri<br />

yhbegki nmc’ dgzufy dkhei muuhai sh duho uugrbshd bgcgl ptrakgpy<br />

yhpgr tui yhpgr///<br />

tkg trunhdg vtci dgeuey nhy rjnbu, tuh; sgo htbeh uutx thz<br />

bgcgl trtp pui zhbgi’ gr ayhhy nhy t pktxyhdi etryk tui ytbmy<br />

vepu, uuh purho chhbtfy’ wwnhhi ytyg vty nhl khc! nhhi ytyg vty<br />

nhl khc! gr vty nhl bhay ptrktzy’ gr vty btr dgvgry tz thl uuhk<br />

murhe eungi vty gr nhr dgahey t etryk uutx trcgy chz thl uugk<br />

tbeungi murhe mu tho tvhho! tzt duygr ytyg’ tphku btl tkgx uutx<br />

vah", - tubzgr khcg ytyg thi vhnk thz tcgr bhay dgaktpi tui<br />

dgahey sh haugv surl sh vhhkhdg janubtho/ ftya zhh vtci sti btfbhay<br />

rhfyhd ,aucv dgyti - uuh gx uugry dgcrgbdy thi sh xprho<br />

vesuaho )hgru, sca( tz sh bx jbufv thz dguugi sh thhbmhdxyg mrv<br />

thl vtc tpdgyui zhl mu sgruuhhygri pui tho tui tho tuhpmurgdi uuhhzy<br />

gr nhr btl tk. ektr tz gr uutry thl murhe tvhhneungi tui murhe<br />

pui uutx thsi zgbgi dgvtkpi dguutri ti yui ,aucv’ stl vty gr tcgr<br />

nhy zhhi tuhxygrkhag tvcv tpdgrtyguugy "t ekhhbgo erhdgkg -<br />

uugri t ths! uuhtzuh ztk thl bhay ytbmi///"<br />

t pl ani yvur"/ tui tuhpsgo prhhgi nhr zhl jbufv tuhxmusrhei<br />

tubzgr dguutkshdg anjv tz "nhhi ytyg vty nhl khc//!" tphku nhr<br />

•••<br />

vtci zhl khhsgr ptrzhbshdy ptr tho vty gr tubz tcgr stl bhay<br />

ptrktzy//!"/<br />

nhr zhmi jbufv tuhpsgrbtfy chh sh jbufv khfy’ tui nhr egbgi zhl<br />

prgdi uutx thz sh druhxg prhhs pui sgo huo yuc jbufv? tsrcv nhr<br />

thsi zgbgi dguugi thi dku, hui’ ptrzhbegi thi sh drgxyg yuntv uutx<br />

sh ragho - sh huubho vtci trhhbdgcrgbdy thi fkk hartk’ pruchrbshd<br />

tuhxmukgai sgo vhhkhdi thshai dhhxy’ tui tuhxrhhxi hgsg chxgk<br />

vhhkhdehhy uutx nhr vtci ptrntdy/ zhh vtci duzr dguugi chygrg dzhru,<br />

zgvi dtr sgrhi t auugrg mhhy’ uuhhk tzuh uuh hgsg huo yuc crgbdy<br />

jbufv tuhl truhx sh auugrgehhyi pui tubzgr nmc/// tcgr trhhbyrtfygbshd<br />

thi sgo bx jbufv egbgi nhr zhl aytrei tui truhxbgngi t<br />

dguutkshdg jhzue uutx sh bx jbufv aygky ptr nhy zhl/ uuhhk nhr<br />

tuhxmurhhxi sh hxusu,wshdg nmuu, pui ac,’ jusa’ tui nhkv’ uutx ti<br />

zhh thz t ths bhay ehhi ths tui sh ,urv thz ehhi ,urv/ zhh vtci zhl bhay<br />

yugi dkhhci tz pubey uuh "chnho vvo" vty vah", dguuhzi zhhi tvcv<br />

mu tubz kpbho naur, vshi’ tzuh tuhl "czni vzv" yuy gr naphg zhhi<br />

ctdgbhdy nhy sgo’ btr zhh vtci tuhl njkk dguugi sh vhhkhdxyg uutx<br />

fkk hartk vty btl sti ptrntdy - sh ch, vnesa’ tui nynt dguugi<br />

sgo zgkci khfyhdehhy/ tuhpwi zgkci uugd pubgo sgntkxwshdi bx uugy<br />

gr tubz vhhby tuhl uuhhzi zhhi druhxi khcatpy’ tui tubz truhxbgngi<br />

pui xhh uugkfi auugri nmc nhr yugi zhl dgpubgi/ "vah", vty tubz<br />

aygbshd khgc - uuhhk gr thz tubzgr khcg ytyg" tui gr uugy tubz<br />

hgsg ptrayhpyi uutubek thi sgo neuo esua/ thsi zgbgi khhsgr dguugi<br />

ptrzhbegi capk vnmc’ ngi vty bhay ctdrhpi sgo chygri nmc cru-<br />

zhfgr vgkpi tui crgbdi tubzgr kgfyhdg haugv///

ptbtyhag nhxyhag dkuhchdg auyho/ pui tbptbd vty gr dgaphry t<br />

uugi htbeh thz thi thbshg tuhl bhay zty dguutri vty gr tbdgvuhci<br />

mu zhfi btl yhpgr’ chz gr thz khhsgr trhhbdgptki thi t euky’ t drupg<br />

ptkhmhh vuhpyeuutryhr thz auhi dguugi dgbud she’ vtci zhh tuhpdgbungi<br />

t xpgmhgki shygeyhuu uutx ztk zhl tpdgci btr nhyi ftpi sgo dgnhhbgo<br />

ptrcrgfgr/ htbeh thz dguutri btl uuhksgr’ gr thz dgzhbegi btl<br />

yhpgr’ tcgr zhhi banv thz btfbhay dguugi ctprhshdy/<br />

ptrayhhy zhl tz bhay tkgx uutx htbeh vty tpdgyui thz dguugi<br />

tuhxdgvtkyi kuhy sh thbshtbg dgzgmi’ uugi sgr phhk thi sh thbshtbg<br />

dkhyay tui dkhyay yhpgr uuh yh;/<br />

gexprgx/// sgrntbgbshd sgo ytyi tz grdgmuutu thi sh uuhhyg thbshg<br />

kuhpy truo gpgx t crhw uutx thz khhsgr zhhi thhbmhd ehbs’ tui gr<br />

xwthz tsurl t ktbdg mhhy’ tui sh thhbmhdxyg druxi uutx rw xgbsgr<br />

vty cteungi pui htbeh zgbgi dguugi sh jusawkhfg crhuu pui tngrhegi<br />

ptrayhhy zhl tz zhhi ctkhcygr jcr’ sgr ergshy etryk’ thz nhydgptri<br />

nhy tho kturl fk vsrl/<br />

dgvgry egi ngi zhl rhfyhd wwtuhxdgciww///<br />

nhy sh tkg ngaho yucho zhhbg’ tui gr vty<br />

dgftpy t pkhdgr ehhi thbshg’ stry vty gr<br />

banv uutx vty tkhhbx bhay dguutuxy mu<br />

uutx xwsuray thz bhay ctprhshdy dguutri<br />

khpi tui gr ztdy tho bhay ehhi uutry’ stl<br />

thz ctrt ptre bhay sgr pkt. ptr tho/ zhhi<br />

khnho vty htbeh njkhy dguugi tz nhy<br />

sgo tkgo uutx sgr ytyg ptrchhxy zhl sh<br />

duy nhy tho’ tpar tzuh uugy gr btl tntk<br />

murhe eungi/<br />

sh tzuhdgrupgbg nunjho vtci dgwgmvwy rw<br />

xgbsgrwi’ vte bhay tp sh ctmhtubdgi’ ckhhc<br />

euey bgcgl tzuh tuhx/<br />

htbeh’ sgr ehbs tuh; uugngi gr vty dgkhhdy<br />

tzuhphk vtpgbubd’ zhhi thhbmhdgr ci hjhswk’<br />

dgkygr uutx gr khhdy truh; sgruh;’ btr<br />

xwrhhxy tho sh vtr. tz wwzhhiww ctkhcygr<br />

tho bhay thbygrgxhry tz zhhi ytyg khhby sh<br />

chkx nhy ckuy’ bhay mukhc sh txyrtbtnhag<br />

vty zhl dgsrhhy tui dgxuuhhpy sgo etryk thi tkg neunu, uuh ti<br />

grkhfgr ths vty bhay ehhi srhx, rdk’ xwvty<br />

tui dgntfy t ergshy etryk tuh; zhhi btngi btfsgo uutx htbeh vty<br />

dgxyrtagy nhyi grdxyi tuhc nwuugy tho bhay btfdgci’ tui htbeh<br />

dgky vty bhay dgpgky’ rw xgbsgr vty bhay dgegby pugki chh<br />

zhl bhay mu dhci ehhi dgky ptr htbehwi’ gr vty tho tphku btfdgdgci<br />

zhhi aprtl’ uutx gr vty dgstrpy tui uutx xwthz tho btr chhdgptki<br />

thi zhhi etp trhhi thz dkhhl truhx ni vfj tk vpugk/<br />

bxhui vguar’ gr thz dguugi tzuh mudguutuhby tz tkgx thz zhhbx tui tz<br />

tkgx str; gr vtci’ tz gr vty pauy tuhxdgrhxi sgo uutry bhhi pui<br />

zhhi htbeh thz tuhpdguutexi nhyi dtksgbgo kgpk thi nuhk’ rw xgbsgr<br />

vty dgvtpy tz sh tkg grkhfg thsi uutx zgbgi fxsr thhbdgaytbgi<br />

chh tho uugki vtci t vapgv tuh; zhhi ,fahywk xwztk gpgx<br />

tuhxuutexi pui tho/ tcgr khhsgr thz htbeh bhay chhdgaytbgi sgo<br />

hgsi bmrl/<br />

ekhhi gbuugktp<br />

tui ktbsi thi ctrt ptre/<br />

muuhh uutfi apgygr thz<br />

tbdgeungi mu tho t<br />

tuh; tho’ uuh grayuhby<br />

thz gr tcgr dguutri uugi<br />

ytyi thi pbho trhhi vty<br />

gr auhi zhfgr tuhpdgdgci<br />

eungi’ btfsgo uutx gr<br />

vty tzuhphk dgaphdi sgo<br />

gr thz dguugi zhfgr tz<br />

ehhi gbypgr uugy bhay<br />

nhhi yhhgrgr htbegkg’ uutx ntfxyu? pui shhi ytyg uutx uugy<br />

auru,/ muuhh pui crhuugkg t<br />

tuhpdgdgci tuh; tho’ uuh grayuhby thz gr tcgr dguutri uugi muuhh uutfi<br />

apgygr thz tbdgeungi mu tho t ekhhi gbuugktp’ t bhhgr etryk’ tui<br />

gr thz dguugi zhfgr tz ehhi gbypgr uugy bhay eungi’ btfsgo uutx<br />

gr vty tzuhphk dgaphdi sgo ytyi thi pbho trhhi vty gr auhi zhfgr<br />

tpdgarhci t ekhhi crhuuk’ wwytyg’ sgr etryk trcgy bhay! thl uuhk<br />

tvhhneungi’ uutx dhhy ptr?"/ xwthz tho bhay tbdgeungi drhbd truhxmuauugrmi<br />

sgo crhuu tui zhfgr ntfi tz xweuny ti thi ptxy’ tcgr<br />

stl vty gr dgyui tkgx thi sh uugky sgr crhuu ztk ptrktzi thbshg<br />

gkygri vtci tho dgdgci thi tkg auugrg nmcho vty stl gpgx tuhpdgyui’<br />

gr vty njkhy dguugi mu dgci thhi kgmyi atbx’ gr vty<br />

htbeh thz tuhpi auugk pui htua’ xwuuhk zhl auhi tuhpdgci// tcgr stl’<br />

sgr pktegr uutx vty zhl mupktny thi tho’ sh khcatpy uutx zhhbg<br />

tpdgvtey sgo ergshy etryk’ uugr ztdy<br />

tz sgr ytyg uugy tho btl uugki trhhbbgngi thi ayuc?<br />

fwvtc zhl auhi muphk ptrzhbshdy tui xwbhayt<br />

ngr ehhi uugd murhe’ ptruutzag sgi vty gr<br />

ytyg vty auhi tuhl tuhpdgdgci tuh; nhr’<br />

gr uuhk nhr auhi bhay egbgi’ euey tuhl tz<br />

tui gr uugy yrgpi sgo uugd murhe tvhho mu<br />

zhhi ytyg ntng/ tcgr xwthz chygr’ sgr<br />

gpgx dgky’ nhy dgky egi gr thhbgo thbygreuhpi<br />

ztk tho truhxauugrmi pui thbshg’<br />

ftpi thi trgxyhri srhh ntk khh;/ sh<br />

thhbmhdxyg gmv uutky dguugi mu ptratpi<br />

tphku btl thhi ytd’ zhl truhxwdbcwbgi thz tuhl<br />

bhay ehhi pkti’ sh ptkhmhh uugy tho dkhhl<br />

vhhkhdg thshag banv uutx crgby murhemueungi<br />

muo aura egi bhay tuhxvtkyi st<br />

htbeh thz dguutri thbdtbmi ptrmuuhhpky’<br />

thbgo euky thz zhhi kgci bhay ehhi kgci’ zhhi<br />

bhay egbgi’ tui stx vty tho uuhh dgyui ngr<br />

pui tkgo/<br />

bhay dgftpy tz sgr etryk vty pauy gexphhgry// zhhi vtr. vty<br />

dgmhygry tz zhhi ytybx dgsuks vty dgpktmy’<br />

gr thz zhfgr dguugi tz zhhi ytyg vty<br />

tuhpdgdgci tuh; tho tui gr uuhk tho ngr<br />

sh phrgr dgyrtpi t uugd gx mu sgptzhyi///( tcgr t crtl’ tngrhegi<br />

gexprgx trcgy bhay ngr’ zhh vtci tuhpdgvgry mu dhci’ htbeh vty<br />

htbeh vty pruchry truhxmubgngi gpgx ega pubgo gh yh go ntahi<br />

stry’ )euey tuhx tz dgky vtci zhh ht trhhbdgktzy’ grdgmuutu vtci<br />

tcgr sgr euky thz dguugi t uuti uugh xyrhy’ sh yhr vty zhl dggpby<br />

btr tuh; trhhi’ truhx vty ngi dgphry btr muo ch, vecru,//<br />

vty zhl dgbungi crgbgi tho tho murhe mu dhhi muo aura/<br />

thi nxw cct c,rt’ sgr duygr dgphk btl t phb; agv rmupu,’ tui tphku<br />

sh btrvtpyhd ktyegx uutx zhhi ntng vty jbufv dgntfy’ t phhgr<br />

tuhpdguugey uuh pui t yhpi jkuo/ xwthz tho surfdgkpi uuh t phko sh<br />

dganteg stuugbgbwx thi hahcv’ sgr dgante pui t ckty dnw ,uxw<br />

dgante sgrhi’ tcgr uugi sh mhhy thz dgeungi tui grdgmuutu yh; thi<br />

zhhi ptrstrci vtr. vty t uugrhnwk dgbungi busagi’ vty htbeh zhl<br />



jhzue<br />

x thz st t ctetbyg eaht/<br />

pxj prtuugy ngi nhy druhx prhhs tz tubzgrg zhhsgx<br />

zgbgi ctprhhy dguutri pui ebgfyatpy/ aygky thhl ptr’ thcgr muuhh<br />

vubsgry htr’ tptr suru, thi t mhv zgbgi cbh hartk dguugi pauyg<br />

ebgfy/ nwvty zhl ctbumy nhy zhh grdgr uuh sh tngrhetbg nhy sh auutrmg’<br />

cjunr uckcbho ucfk gcusv casv/ ktnhr bhay trhhbdhhi thbgo<br />

trhfu, vscrho’ hgsgr ptrayhhy’ xwthz st thcgr uutx zhl mu prhhgi’<br />

nwthz truhx ngcsu, kjru,/ tv’ ktnhr prtuugi ti tfy ytdhei huo<br />

yuc/<br />

acugu, - nhr zgbgi dguutri ti go vbcjr’ uvhh,o kh xdukv nfk<br />

vgnho/ nhr zgbgi ngr bhay uuh btl t ptke muuhai tbsgrg pgkegr/<br />

nhr zgbgi dguutri cbho kneuo’ cteungi t ,urv’ di gsi uugki nhr cteungi<br />

ptr sh tkg nmuu,/ sgr rca"g vty ptr hgsi pui tubz dgztdy<br />

ektr tui shhykhl tbfh vao tkehl/ uuh dkhekhl zgbgi nhr’ tuusth prhhgi<br />

nhr zhl tui chz vhhby yuhzbygr htr apgygr gxi thsi yahz eghe tui<br />

ytbmi gkhubho aau/<br />

rta vabv - kl tfuk canjv kjnl fh fcr rmv tkeho t, ngahl/<br />

nhr dkhhci tz sgr curt fk guknho sgr nkl rjni thz tubz si kjhho<br />

ukcrfv/ uuh egi ngi bhay zhhi prhhkhl’ uugi sgr rca"g thz ngchr<br />

tanu,hbu cfk abv uabv’ tui gr ptrarhhcy tubz cxpri ak msheho<br />

dnurho/ zhfgr prtuugi nhr t huo yuc/<br />

xufu, - vty stl sh ,urv ektr tbdgztdy uanj, cjdhl’ t nmuv<br />

pui tuhcgrayi’ thsi zhhyx prhhkhl/ tui gx thz btl t zfr mu sh gbbh<br />

vfcus uutx sgr rca"g vty tubz ctahmy sgrnhy thi nscr/ uugr<br />

rgsy btl anj, ,urv uugi nwytbmy chzi zhcgyi vhnk kdunrv ak<br />

,urv’ btl t htr trhcgr tui nhr vtci nxhho dguugi chz uzt, vcrfv/<br />

btfngr’ nhr vhhci uuhsgr ti crtah,! nhr vtci tzt khfyhdg ,urv<br />

uutx kgrby tubz tui vhhkhdy tubz/ tv’ t dganteg xgus, huo yuc<br />

thz zhfgr ptxhd/<br />

tcgr jbufv?<br />

uutx thz stx jbufv? nwvty dguutubgi t nkjnv/// uuhhbhd nkjnu,<br />

vtci thsi dguuhbgi cscrh hnh hartk? tuhk vty dgcrgby tfy ytd///<br />

thi ch, vnesa thz dguugi garv bhxho hgsi ytd! pkhha vty zhl dgcrtyi<br />

tui pkhdi zgbgi bhay dgpkuhdi! uuhbyi vtci dgcktzi tui sgr ruhgl<br />

pui nzcj vty zhl bhay dgrhry! rgdi vty dgdtxi tui sgr phhgr pui<br />

nzcj vty uuhhygr dgcrgby! tui ehhi huo yuc sgruh; vty ngi bhay<br />

dgntfy///<br />

hvuag vty tpdgaygky sh zui! ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay<br />

dgntfy// xbjrhcwx dtbmgr nhkhygr thz tuhxdgaytrci thcgrbtfy’<br />

tui ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay dgntfy// sh junv pui hrhju thz thhbdgzhbegi’<br />

tui ehhi huo yuc vty ngi bhay dgntfy/ bhxho vtci fxsr<br />

ptxhry chh fkk hartk’ nwvty dgkuhcy tui dgstbey sgo nxcc fk<br />

vxhcu, uutx thz gubv kgnu hartk cg, augo tkhu’ tcgr nwztdy bhay<br />

ehhi vkk tui nwmhbsy bhay ehhi khfykgl yuhzgbygr htr apgygr///<br />

•••<br />

rw xgbsgr thz dguugi tui thz btl tk. t rhhfgr ths’ sgr rta urtaui<br />

kfk scr acesuav’ hgsg yhh tuugby cteuny t pgyg b,hbv’<br />

hgsgr shbgr t drtci yage’ tui hgsgr naukj t dktyi vubsgrygr/<br />

zhhi rhhfg ptkt. thi ctrt ptre thz sgr btyurkhfgr tsrgx ptr<br />

ע<br />

א<br />

שטענדיגע<br />

אהבה<br />



tcgr ksg,h thz stx ctn, bhay rhfyhd tzuh tbmubgngi tubzgr bxhui’<br />

ptrcgxgrubd///<br />

ayhek t ctn,<br />

vtpgbubdgi muptki/ stx vty tubz aytre dgvtkpi uuhhk tubzgr vtppgbubd<br />

thz dguugi dtr tbsgra/<br />

uuhhk thi ptey’ tz ngi euey zhl tchxk tuo tuh; jcrho tui ngbyai truo’<br />

euey bhay tuhx tz gx ztk vtci t ahhfu, nhy xhh uugkfg ngaho ngi<br />

vty dgytvi cgcr’ btfsgrmu tz "thi mshe ctr. tar hgav yuc ukt<br />

hjyt"’ hgsgr vty zhl zhhi pgek pui uutx gr str; egr bgngi///<br />

tui cbudg shhbg ,pku, tui xduku,// hgsg thhbg sgrpui uugry<br />

tuugedgkhhdy tui gx dhhy j"u bhay kthcus/ sgr rcubu ak guko vty khc<br />

sh ,pku, pui sh uutx pktdi zhl nhy t bxhui’ gr khhdy gx tuuge/ stuugi<br />

uuhhygr nhywi dtbmi vtr.’ tui gx uugy dgvtkyi uugri ptr shr chz su uugxy<br />

btfngr’ egi ngi zgi murheeuebshd tuhpwi gcr pui fkk hartk nhuo vuxsv<br />

gs g,v’ uuhphk tui uugr gx zgbgi dguugi sh uutx vtci zhl tkx dgnuyagy<br />

cgzr, vah", zufv zhhi mu t haugv’ dtr ceruc th"v! tcgr chz sti’ stuugi<br />

tui stuugi mu zhhi canjv tui mu vtci sh fuju, tbmudhhi’ tzuh uuh txtl<br />

nhy tubzgr auugrhehhy’ nhy sgo zgkci bxhui/// tbdgvuhci nhy sh vhhkhdxyg<br />

tui ctkhcxyg pgrzgbkhfehhyi chh fkk hartk’ sh "tcu, vesuaho" tui sh<br />

jcrho st egbgi shr tbmhhdi thi zhhgr nmc/ vah", ztk auhi tuhxvgri shhbg<br />

,pku,’ tui nhr ztki zufv zhhi mu vgri cauru, yucu, ceruc///<br />

"vhhkhdg tnvu," arv’ rcev’ rjk tui jbv’ phk pui sh druhxg ,btho utnurtho’<br />

rtaubho utjrubho/// tui tzuh uuhhygr pui sh ,knhsh cga"y tui ,knhsh vdr"t<br />

gbypgr #3/// )n/e/(<br />

ukhyt/// tui uuh tuhl nna kgmygbx uuhhxi nhr tkg pui ptrahsgbg dsukho pui<br />

sh agbxyg tui cgxyg chh fkk hartk uutx vtci zhl dgnuyagy nhy sgo<br />

gx uugy shr drhbdgr uugri uugi su uugxy zhl st tuneuegi chh tbsgrg<br />

jcrho nhy sh zgkcg prtckgo’ tui uuh tuhl dgsgbe tz gx pgky zhl bhay<br />

zgkci prtckgo’ uc,ufo )uuh uuhhy thl dgsgbe hgmy tuhpi ntngby( rch b,i<br />

tskgr z"k’ vrv"e rw tkgzr nrhhat z"k’ vrv"e nxtyntr z"k’ rch tkjbi<br />

tuhx ehhi xpgmhgkg ytktbyi mu vtci ehbsgr’ gx uugbsy zhl ckuhz thi vah",/<br />

uutxgrnti z"k’ vdtui rch nthr aphrt z"k - r"h jfnh kuckhi’ vdtui vjzui tha<br />

z"k’ vrv"e rn"t prhhbs z"k - dtc"s hruakho’ tui phk ngr///<br />

gbypgr #4/// )t/c/a/(<br />

nnhkt’ bgngbshd stx thi ctyrtfy’ uuhhxi nhr auhi tkg tz rhfyhdgr<br />

tbmubgngi sgo bxhui tkx "t nhyk zhl mu sgrvhhci"’ svhhbu tz vah",<br />

nhhi gbypgr thz bhay ckuhz dgmhky ptr sgo prtckgo uutx thz<br />

tuhxdganugxy st’ btr cfkkhu, ptr hgsg auugrhehhy uutx gx ntfy zhl<br />

yrtxy tubz ngr uuh t muuhhyi surfmudhhi sgo bxhui’ vtkybshd tz nhr zgbgi<br />

dgbud ctdkhhcy chh tho tz nhr uugki stx egbgi chhayhhi’ zhhgbshd pui sh<br />

tntk chh t ths’ tcgr cgher chh tubzgr nmc thz gx aytre budg/<br />

tuhxsgruugkyg uugo gr uuhk cthzv tupi avut crgbdgi bgbygr mu tho///<br />

tui tuhc gx thz yteg tzuh’ strpi nhr zhl ftya thi t uugd aphri dkhekhl<br />

gx thz st muuhh tupbho uuhtzuh ngi egi tbeuei t auugrg nmc uutx ngi<br />

ntfy nhy/ thhbx’ tkx "t ayrt;" ptr t dguuhxg akgfyg yty uutx ngi<br />

nhy tubzgr auugrhehhy tui bxhui’ tui gf"p bhay jkhkv zhl tbeuegi tsgr<br />

aphri uuh t surfdgptkgbg ngbya j"u/<br />

vty dgyui thbgo gcr’ tui stx thz dguugbkhl sh grayg ztl uutx euny<br />

truh; tuhpwi dgstbe ptr t ngbya uutx dhhy tsurl xhh uugkfg auugrg<br />

tui cgher’ vtcbshd sgo ckhe sgruh;’ uugxyu aphri tz hgsg surfdhhgbsg<br />

ytd pktdbshd zhl nhy sgo bxhui’ uugri nhr tkx ngr tui ngr bgbygr mu<br />

bxhui/ gx thz tcgr st t muuhhyg uugd uuh tzuh ngi egi tpkgrbgi t bxhui’<br />

ngi egi gx tbbgngi tkx "t nhyk zhl mu sgrvhhci"///<br />

vah",’ tui nhy hgsi ytd uugri nhr tkx t ytd bgbygr mu tubzgr<br />

gbsdhkyhdg druhxg haugv uutx egi tui uugy th"v ptxhri dtr ceruc///<br />

sh grayg tupi thz ctn, bhay ehhi prtckgo uugi ngi bgny gx yteg<br />

ti tkx t sgrntbubd pui vah", zhl mu ptrcgxgri thi dguuhxg gbhbho’ uuhhk<br />

nhr strpi dkhhci tz tuhc vah", vty tubz tuhxdguugky tkx zhhbg<br />

xpgmhgkg’ uugy gr tubz zhfgr bhay prutuui nhy auugrhehhyi tui nmcho<br />

gx thz tkx duy mu ayhhdi tui uugri tkx cgxgr tui cgxgr thi tkgo’<br />

btfsgrmu tz ngi aphry tz gx thz yteg st gbhbho uutx ptrktbdy zhl<br />

ngr pui uutx nhr egbgi thcgryrtdi kuhy tubzgrg fuju, vdu; uvbpa’ tui<br />

tubz uugk nhr cgzvah", dtr ceruc dgvtkpi uugri///<br />

muo akux’ mumugbshdi tui muztnmubgngi sgo chz hgmyhdi anugx’ thz thbygrgxtby trtpmucrgbdgi’ uutx thl vtc kgmybx dgzgi tbngrei<br />

tuh; sh phkg tpyhhyai pui sh uutry "bx"’ tbdgvuhci nhywi pauywi yhhya pui "bx - t bxhui"’ tui tzuh tuhl sh ptkdgbsg phkg yhhyai’ "bx - t<br />

aytbd" )nkaui vpxue gav kl ar; uaho tu,u gk bx(’ "bx - t mhhfi" )nkaui vpxue b,,v khrthl bx kv,buxx(’ "bx - kuhpi" )nkaui vpxue<br />

kbux anv/// ubx tk tj, vgrho(’ "bx - tuhpvhhci"/<br />

kgbhbhbu egi ngi gx tpar zhhgr ahhi muztnbgngi’ nhywi ,nmh, pui sh ptrahsgbg ,hrumho uutx gx zgbgi st dguutri tuhxdganugxy tuh;<br />

sh tuhcbsgrntbyg prtdgx/ svhhbu tz tubzgr nmc egi zhl tntk aphri uuh "t bxhui" pui ctagpgr’ tui tntk uuh "t aytbd" aphrbshd tz ngi<br />

uugry ctayrtpy nhy ekgp’ tui tzuh tuhl egi ngi stx tpkgrbgi uuh "t mhhfi" pui vhnk zhl mu ptrcgxgri thi dguuhxg gbhbho’ ukgun, zv<br />

egi ngi stx tuhl tbbgngi tkx t nhyk zhl mu "sgrvhhci"’ uugrbshd bgbygr mu vah", surl tubzgr tuhxsgruugkyi nmc/<br />

vtkybshd hgmy chnh vjbufv uugi nwkuhcy vah", tuh; sh druhxg "bx jbufv"’ tui gx thz st sgr gbhi pui "prxunh bhxt"’ egi stx yteg<br />

tuhl zhhi tubzgr ,pkv mu vah",’ thi tzgkfg dgvuhcgbg znbho uugi gx thz t zni n,pkk mu zhhi tuh; "utzfv krtu, cbho ucbh cbho guxeho<br />

c,urv ucnmuu,/// )kao hjus cvske, br jbufv(’ yugi nhr vtpi tui cgyi gx ztk auhi b,ehho uugri chh tubz tkg sh vske, br jbufv nhywi<br />

rhfyhdi vhsur surl "prxunh bhxt"’ svhhbu gx ztk auhi b,prxo uugri sh rhfyhdg tpyhhya pubgo uutry "bx"’ surl t rhfyhdg "bx ni vanho"’<br />

bhay btr "chnho vvo" btr tuhl "czni vzv"’ thi tubzgr hgmyhdi auugri nmc/<br />

uuh tuhl ztk auhi b,dkv uugri sgr "tur vdbuz" - sh ctvtkygbg khfyhdehhy uutx khdy thi tubzgr yubegki nmc/// uuh nwztdy thbgo hvh rmui<br />

ptrwi khfy mhbsgi jbufv’ fh t,v ,thr brh vw tkeh hdhv jafh’ nhr ztki auhi zgvi - hgsgr thi zhhi nmc - sh rhfyhdg khfyhdehhy uutx khdy<br />

ctvtkyi’ sh khfyhdehhy uutx vah", vty tubz dgatbegi nhy t xpgmhgki vadjv tui khcatpy’ uugkbshd tubz crgbdgi t aytpk bgbygr mu<br />

tho/// uutx ftya gx euey btl hgmy tuhx vhpa yubek’ bhay zggbshd sgo duyi xu; sgrpui’ zgbgi nhr tcgr zhfgr tz sh khfyhdehhy uugy dtr<br />

ceruc th"v truhxahhbgi nhy thr puki ahhbehhy tui kgfyhdehhy/// uczfu, n,,hvu fvi dsuk ucbhu vrthbu bpktu,’ ucturl brtv tur/

uutx vty tho dgvtkpi nhy zhhi haugv’ tui uuhsgrtuo chh arv tnhbu<br />

uugry dgcrgbdy )thl dgsgbe bhay uuh( tz zh vty tbdgkhhdy sh haugv thi<br />

thz ctn, nhhi thl tz gx thz bhay st sgruh; t dgvgrhdg ,hru.’ gk<br />

fk pbho uutx nhr ztki ptrayhhi’ gx thz tkx st ztfi uutx zgbgi mu etnpktmhry<br />

ptr tubz mu uuhxi tui ptrayhhi’ tzuh uuh sgr ctagpgr vty<br />

dgztdy ptr thuc - tz zhhbg uugdi zgbgi vgfgr tubzgrg vadu, uutx nhr<br />

dgci vdr ptr tcrvo/<br />

egbgi bhay thhchd ptrayhhi/ tui stx ntfy btfbhay tuuge shhi eaht’<br />

tcgr thl nhhi tz nhr strpi tzuhphk ht uuhxi’ btr mu yui tui btfdhhi uutx<br />

sh ,urv vhhxy tubz yui aygbshd’ tui nhr strpi bhay tkgx ptrayhhi/<br />

thl vtc dgyui dtr txtl - dgztdy ,vkho’ tui dgdtbdgi mu ecrh msheho’ tui dtr txtl duyg ecku, tui ,pku, tz tubzgr yrhyngbyx ztki vtci vmkjv//<br />

th"v// ceruc tp tubz uutry uutx haugv tubzgr surl mru,’ tubzgrg ptrdgxi<br />

thl uutubya shr vmkjv tui nhr vtpi mu vgri cauru, yucu,/<br />

bxhui///<br />

rgstemhg: kgmygbx thz dguutri tuhxdganugxy tuhpwi ptruo t dtr gbkhfg buat’ uutx sh ,hrumho sgruh; zgbgi tuhl dhkyhd<br />

tuh; tubzgr chz hgmyhdi anugx’ nnhkt crgbdgi nhr st trtp sgo anugx tuhl///<br />

prtdg/// )t/g/y/(<br />

t duyi’ gx thz hgmy sh grayg ntk uutx thl arhhc st tuhpwi ptruo/ nhhi uuhhc vty nhr dgztdy thl ztk tuhxanugxi nhhi buat st tuhpwi "ngbgr uuhbek"’<br />

tui thl vt; murhemucteungi sgrpui - pubgo guko st - tchxk jhzue thi nhhi nmc/<br />

thl vtc j,ubv dgvty gyuutx ngr uuh muuhh tui t vtkc htr’ nhhi nmc thz dtr t auugrg )FM( thl egi bhay ptrdgxi sh ytd uutx sgr steygr thz<br />

trhhbdgeungi thi ayuc tui tubz ptrmhhky sh bhhgx - tubzgr auugrg nmc’ nhr zgbgi dguutri dtr mucrtfi sgrpui/// nhr vtci dgyrtfy tz gx thz )dguutky<br />

gx ztk zhhi///( ckuhz t ygu,/// gx thz dguugi dtr auugr! chz nhr vtci gbskhl tbdgvuhci tubzgr prtmgsur)ISCI\FVI( nhr vtci dgvty tkg vtpgbubdgi tz gx<br />

uugy zhl cgzvah", zhfgr duy tuhxtrcgyi’ nhr vtci dgyrtfy tui dgvtpy tz yrt. tubzgrg hgmyhdg auugrg ygd uugy btl eungi t ytd uutx nhr uugki<br />

tcgr vah", vty dgvty tbsgrg pkgbgr’ tui gx thz surfdgptki///!! thl egi bhay ptrdgxi’ uugi sgr steytr thz tubz dgeungi ztdi tubzgr auugrg<br />

prtckgo/// tuhc thl vtc bhay dgaphry dgbud mucrtfi chz sti pui tubzgr nmc’ chi thl btl dguutri ngr ptrkuhri pui sh dtr auutfg atbxi uutx nhhi<br />

prtckgo’ uuh thl chi hgmy dguutuhr dguutri’ crgbdy nhy zhl///<br />

"vhhkhdg ctagpgr uuhphk thz sgr ahgur’ uuhphk str; thl egbgi tuhxvtkyi??? uutx btl dhh thl strpi tsurl dhhi chz uugi su uugxy nhr ahei sh haugv??<br />

su zgxy stl ht uuh nhhi vtr. thz murhxi tui mucrtfi’ ytyg thl vtky ngr bhay tuhx! vgk; nhr auhi! vtc auhi rjnbu, tuh; shhi mucrtfi ehbs uutx uuhhby<br />

tzuh phk mh shr///"<br />

thl aphr zhl uuh tzt tuhxdgaphkygr//’ thl vtc dgyui tzuhphk ecku, yucu,’ tui dtrbhay vty dgvtkpi’ sgr nmc uugry btr grdgr/// uugi nhhi dtbmg<br />

napjv tui tkg nhhbg jcrho yugi dtrbhay tui zhh vtci tzt duy kgci’ tui thl vtky thi thhi khhsi bhay uuhxbshd uutx tui uugi sgr xu; uugy zhhi/// "uuh thz<br />

sgr ge pubgo yubbgk///?" )rgstemhg: zgv tryhek "uuhphk xduku, ztk thl yui?///" thi sgo tuhxdtcg cbudg sgo gbhi/(<br />

thl aphr zhl thbdtbmi tuhxdgaphky uugi thl stuugi’ uutu dhhgi nhhbg ,phku,? uutu dhhgi nhhbg nmuu, tui duyg ecku,? "ytyg! vtc rjnbu,! zgv nhhi<br />

mgr tui gbypgr nhhbg ,pku,//!<br />

gbypgr #1/// )n/k/(<br />

tchbu thz dguugvi dgbud t uutuhkg ths tui sgr tuhcgraygr vty thvo<br />

bhay dgdgci ehhi ehbsgr chz sh bhhbmhd )tphku btl mgi bxhubu,(! bgo bhay<br />

thl chi j,ubv dgvty ngr uuh srhh ntk tzuhphk’ tcgr stl egi thl bhay<br />

vgri shhi mgr///! cgptr thl uugk shr gbypgri’ uuhk thl shr euso ztdi tz<br />

ti tz stx bhay vtci ehhi ehbsgr thz uuh t ngxgsa tz sgr tuhcgraygr<br />

thz bhay muprhsi pui shr’ ptregry sgr tuhcgraygr yrtxy shr nhywi<br />

thl uuhhx pui pgkgr uutx zgbgi stx tsurl’ tui vtcgi c"v vhhby ehbsgr’<br />

uuhktbd gx thz st gpgx )TNUOC WOL(, dguugbkhl gbshdy zhl gx nhy t<br />

ehbs/ dkhhc nhr gx thz khhsgr st txtl uutx uutkyi zhl dgri dgyuhay nhy<br />

shr )tntk uugi ngi uuhhxy tz gx thz st grdgrwx thz gx t ayhek jhzue(/<br />

gbypgr #2/// )x/p/g/(<br />

tui kdch uutx su uuhhytdxy tuh; shhbg ,pku, tui ecku, yucu, uutx su<br />

aphrxy tz gx dhhgi kthcus/// uuhk thl shr btfcrgbdgi t ztl uutx vrc<br />

gnl tbfh cmrv’ thl aphr nhy shhi mgr’ thl uuhhx uutx sh grayg<br />

shtdbtz egi nhhbgi tui nhycrgbdi nhy zhl’ thl vtc zhl dgaphry sh zgkcg<br />

xphrt vty dgztdy vhh htr chh sh ac,ui’ btfdgztdy pui rch anaui phbeux<br />

z"k: ngbyai uuhhxi )nhhbgi( tz ,phkv thz t nhyk’ ngi uuhk vtci ehbsgr<br />

tuhxdgaphky uugi thl chi dguutuhr dguutri nhhi nmc’ tcgr nhhi uuhhc vty<br />

nhr tbdgmhhdy tz nhr zgbgi thi sgo nmc muztngi’ tui nhr egbgi tui uugki<br />

str; ngi n,pkk zhhi ufsuw/ gx thz tcgr bhay rhfyhd’ ,phkv thz sgr mhk’<br />

npbh nv vhw tnu,hbu geurho/// npbh/// tzuh uuh su vtxy n,pkk dguugvi<br />

stx thbthhbgo tsurfauuhmi/ stx zgkcg thz nhy shr’ thbthhbgo nhy shhi<br />

uuhhc uugki gbe vtci sh fuju,/<br />

vtxyu grphky shhi ,pehs’ stx vty sgr tuhcgraygr dguutky vgri pui<br />

shr’ dgvtkpi uugri uugxyu th"v uugi sgr tuhcgaygr uugy uugki’ ceruc<br />

th"v///<br />

nhr vtci tuhl dgvty aytreg vtppgbubdgi tuh; tubzgr grayg<br />

prtmgsur )tuhl ISCI\FVI(, tui gx thz surfdgptki///! gx thz yteg dguugi<br />

pui shhbg uugrygr zgvy ngi tz su yrtdxy dguutkshdg auks dgphki<br />

fthku su chxy gpgx aukshd sgrhi uuhhk su vtxy zhl btfbhay dgbud gbhbho<br />

dtr auugr’ tcgr nhr vtci sgrbtl tpdgntfy mu yuhai surftuhx sh<br />

auugrhehhyi tubzgr dgstbegi dtbd tui njacv’ vtpbshd ptr tubzgr haugv<br />

ptrdgbungi/ tuusth’ hgsg ztl uutx su bgnxy zhl ptָr ntfy t dguutkshdg<br />

ruao thi vhnk’ tcgr sgr tuhcgraygr vty zhl zhhbg jacubu,/ tcrvo<br />

uugi sgr curt guko uugy th"v uugki tui vtkyi tz gx thz sh rhfyhdg mhhy<br />

dgvtkpi mu uugri’ tui bhay uugri tzuh ptrkuhri uugi tubzgrg aytreg<br />



purho? jbufv prhhsy ngi zhl muo bx pubgo yrgpi sgo erhdk tuhk uutx<br />

vty dgcrgby tfy ygd’ pxj prhhsy ngi zhl tuhpwi bx pui hmht, nmrho’<br />

dgstrpy truhxeungi uugi vni thz dgayhdi mu zhhi tny/ vah", vty<br />

trhhbdgahey sh kgzubd btl cgptr gx thz cfkk dguugi t prtckgo/<br />

tui acugu, tuh; n,i ,urv’ uutx stx tkgx thz dguugi dtr xpgmhgkg<br />

dgaggbhai’ tcgr uutx thz dguugi gpgx dtr xpgmhgk purho? tui gr<br />

khhdy mu’ nxchr mu zhhi zhhi eaht’ tz nwegi bhay ztdi tz nhr prhhgi zhl<br />

tuhpwi ptey uutx nhr zgbgi c"v bhay dguutri ptrkgbsgy jkhkv surl<br />

vni vrag hna"u’ uuhhk stx bhay uugri ptrkgbsgy thz bhay ehhi<br />

xpgmhgkg jhsua’ uuhctks tzuh thz fngy trhhbdgkhhdy thbgo ycg pui<br />

vah", kdch fkk hartk’ uugi t ths thz n,pkk mu vah", tui yuy ,aucv<br />

tz gr ztk uugri tpdgvhyi/ uuh nhr zggi chh bhbuv )t ayty pui "duho"(’ tz<br />

zhh zgbgi tpdgauhby dguutri surl ,aucv tui ,phkv/ nnhkt’ fk afi fkk<br />

hartk uugry zhfgr tpdgvhyi pui tkgo chhzi surl ,aucv u,phkv/ tui<br />

stx thz bhay gpgx t xpgmhgkg tundguugbkhfg ztl’ stx thz pauy sh<br />

btyurkhfg uugd uuh tzuh vah", dhhy zhl tuo tz - ",aucv ,phkv umsev<br />

ngchrhi t, rug vdzhrv"///<br />

tuhl egi bhay sgr ygo zhhi mukhc sgo uutx nhr vtci cteungi sh<br />

ngdkhfehhy mu tuhxwvrdwbgi tubzgrg aubtho’ uuhhk nhr uuhhxi tkg tz<br />

tjaurua vty dgyui tkgx uutx tx,r vty ptrktbdy zhhgbshd sh nkfv’<br />

nnhkt’ uugi zh vty dgcgyi tz gr ztk dgci rau, ptr sh thsi tuhxmuwvrdwbgi<br />

sh phhby thz ptraygbskhl tz gr ztk nxfho zhhi sgruh;/ btfngr<br />

zggi nhr thi sh dnrt tz tjaurua thz dguugi t nkl yhpa’ tui tuhc thhi<br />

ytd ztdy gr ngi ztk vrdwbgi sh thsi tui sh tbsgrg ytd ztdy gr ptregry’<br />

thz stx t ptraygbskhfg ztl kdch tjaurua sgr ptrsrhhygr’<br />

nnhkt thz stx bhay dguugi t xpgmhgkg bx ptr fkk hartk/ pxhftktdha<br />

thz stx tkgx dguugi bhay ngr uuh btyurkhfg dgaggbhai/<br />

thz tuhc tzuh’ kuhy sgo’ auugr mu ptrayhhi uutx thz ctn, sh xhcv<br />

uutx nhr prhhgi zhl tuo purho?<br />

btr sgo ,hru. yrgpi nhr thi sh grayg pre thi nxf, ndhkv’ uuh gx<br />

uugry dgcrgbdy tz fkk hartk vty dgdgxi tui bvbv dguugi nxgus,u ak<br />

tu,u rag uutx stx vty duro dguugi t dzhrv tuh; fkk hartk mu uugri<br />

ptrkgbsgy jkhkv’ tui thi hgbg dtr grayg nhbuyi vty vah", nhy zhhi<br />

tuhxygrkhag tvcv mu zhhbg ehbsgr’ fkk hartk’ auhi tuhxdgpktby zhhgr<br />

gbydhkyhdg haugv’ btl cgptr gx vty cfkk tbdgvuhci truhxmueungi<br />

sh dzhrv/<br />

nhr zggi stx pui sh tkg tundguugbskhfg ztfi uutx gx vty zhl tbdgvuhci<br />

tpmuaphki pui hgbg nhbuy ti:<br />

- nhr uuhhxi tz tjaurua vty dgntfy muuhh xgusu, - thhbx surftuhx<br />

vubsgry tui tfmhd ygd tui sgrbtl t muuhhyg ptr zhci ygd/ btr tuh; sh<br />

zhcgyg ytd pui sh muuhhyg xgusv thz tjaurua dguutri tbdgyrhbegi’<br />

cnal 681 ygd thz gr bhay dguutri tbdgyrubegi/// "ht’ gx thz dguugi<br />

sgr ctagpgr" uutx vty dgntfy gr ztk uugri tbdgyrubegi yteg thi<br />

sgo kgmyi ytd///<br />

- ua,h thz dguugi jumpvwshd mu tjaurua thi sgo zgkci ytd )tui bhay<br />

ehhbntk cgptr(/ "gx thz dguugi vah"," uutx vty duro dguugi thr jumpv<br />

mu tjaurua///<br />

- tui nhr tkg uuhhxi tz tjaurua thz sti - thbgo tbdgyrubegbgo<br />

nmc - nhyi ctpgk pui vrdwbgi ua,h’ ctdtbdgi t argekhfg tunsgrvgryg<br />

yty truhxdgcbshd ti tunptraygbskhfg guba uutx uutky dguugbkhl<br />

dguugi mu vtrc kdch sh gchrvwkg uutx zh vty dgyui///<br />

sh tkg tundguugbkhfg ptxhrubdgi thz dgagvi btr fsh tz tx,r ztk<br />

sgrdrhhfi tui tbeungi mu sgo yrti mu uutx zh thz tbdgeungi pui uugri<br />

sh nkfv/ gx vty zhl tuhxdgpgky ptr sh haugv uutx vty apgygr<br />

sgr j,o xupr euny stry mu’ tz bhay ehhi jhkue uuh akgfy fkk<br />

hartk ztk btr zhhi’ tphku tzuh akgfy tz gx ztk zhl ctn, eungi t<br />

dzhr, fkhw j"u///! vty tubz vah", btl tkx aygbshd khc’ vah", uugy<br />

ehhbntk bhay tuhpvgri khgc mu vtci zhhbg ehbsgr cthzv nmc ahvhw/<br />

tphku cag, sh tunrgfy pui fkk hartk - uugi sh thshag ehbsgr vtci<br />

dgdgxi chho xgus, tjaurua tegdi nrsfh vmshewx dgarhhgi’ vty auhi<br />

vah", dgyrtfy uuhtzuh gr uugy egbgi vgkpi tui rtyguugi zhhbg ehbsgr/<br />

uugi thl vtc dgzgvi sgo j,"o xupr vtc thl dgyrtfy pui shhi auugrg<br />

prtdg - t prtdg uutx gx vty kfturv ctn, bhay ehhi dgvgrhdg<br />

ptxhdg gbypgr/ thl vtc thhbdgzgvi tz xhh uugi tui uuhtzuh str; ngi<br />

tkgntk dgsgbegi tui ptrayhhi’ xpgmhgk thi auugrg nmcho’ sh ptkdgbsg<br />

muuhh ztfi///<br />

1( uugri dgvtkpi tui truhxdgrtyguugy pui t auugrg nmc’ thz bhay<br />

ehhi bx tuhc gx thz dgeungi surfwi stuugbgi mu vah", tui ,aucv ytvi’<br />

uuhhk stx thz sh fj pui ,aucv u,phkv/<br />

2( bhay ehhi jhkue uuh auugr tubzgr nmc thz’ strpi nhr thhchd thhbzgvi<br />

tui uuhxi tz vah", vty ctn, khgc hgsg ths chz dtr’ tui uuh<br />

akgfy t ths ztk btr zhhi’ uugy gr tubz thhchd stl khc vtci nhy t<br />

aytreg tvcv! vah", egi tubz yteg tntk trhhbkhhdi tui t dguuhxg<br />

auugrg nmc’ tcgr gr vty auhi pui prhgr tuhxdgyrtfy tubzgr rputv’<br />

btl cgptr nhr vtci cfkk dguutuxy pubgo prtckgo/<br />

t/r/<br />

ztk vah", gbypgri tkg shhbg ,pku, tui shr crgbdi cauru, yucu,/<br />

gbypgr #4/// )r/t/(<br />

thl vtc vbtv pui uutx j/h/ tui d/k/ vtci dgarhci/<br />

sh dnrt ztdy )crfu, v/( farutv tso hxurho ctho gkhu hpapa cngahu<br />

- uugi t ngbya vty hxurho ztk gr btfeuei zhhbg ngaho/ kuhy uuh<br />

thl ptrayhh’ thz tkx sh gmv mu yui ,aucv’ tui ftya tphku tuhc su<br />

uugxy ehhbntk bhay uuhxi uugkfg gchrv’ tsgr tuhc gx thz cfkk ti<br />

gchrv uutx vty duro dguugi sh mrv’ nhy sgo tkgo thz sh ,aucv tkx<br />

fsth tui ptxhd/<br />

ju. pui sgo’ thz crujbhu, zhfgr bhay dgzuby zhl trunmusrhhgi nhy<br />

njacu, tz sgr ctagpgr ayrtpy shr hgmy’ uuhhk uuh su ptrayhhxy’<br />

tz tzuh uuh sh btbyxyg ngbyai uuh knak nti tui uuhhc uutx kgci aygbshd<br />

dtr duy’ thz tphku zhh uugki tntk zhhi dtr dgrgdy thhbgr tuhpwi muuhhyi<br />

tuh; t dguuhxg ztl uugki zhh ehhbntk bhay tpargei sgo muuhhyi nhywi<br />

trdxyi uuh zhl muyhhki r"k’ thz sh zgkcg tuhl chh sh btbyatpy pui vec"v<br />

mu tubz tui sh zgkcg murhe/<br />

nhy vmkjv/<br />

gbypgr #5/// )m/k/(<br />

ngi str; dgsgbegi tz sh tcu, vesuaho tui sh tnvu, vtci tuhl<br />

dgvty sgo zgkci prtckgo’ tui thl uuhhx bhay muztdi pui xhh uugkfg<br />

pay tz stx ztk zhh jkhkv eungi tkx t ayrt; tuh; gpgx’ tui uuh tuhl<br />

thz gx bhay trhhbdgrgfby thi sh mgi bxhubu, pui tcrvo tchbu’ tui uuh<br />


nhr uuhhxi’ uuh ra"h ztdy tuhpwi pkt. tz hmje tchbuwx ,phkv thz stx<br />


sgr j,o xupr prgdy ptruutx nhr prhhgi zhl tui ntfi t huo yuc<br />

stry/<br />

xwayhhy uutx ,ufi sgo uuhhbhdgr ngr truhxdgbungi’ gx<br />

jhzue<br />

buat thz ctn, t vhhegkg’ tui thz tubz tkg zhfgr ctetby mukhc sgo uutx gx thz ti gbhi uutx kuhpy tubz fxsr tsurl thi sh njacv tui gx yuy aygbshd<br />

nuyagbgi sgo dgstbe/ tcgr nhr ayupi gx fxsr tp bhay uugkbshd yrtfyi sgrpui mukhc sh tunektrehhy thi sgo gbhi// tui stx thz ctn, budg chh hgsg<br />

bxhui cfkk tcgr chh thbpgryhkhyh cpry// tui mukhc thr uuhfyhdehhy tui tn, thz fsth stx tntk muztnmubgngi/ uutky tkzuh dguugi t ,ugk, ptri mhcur<br />

nhymuyhhki sh atku, tui gbypgrx uutx egbgi tuhxektri sgo gbhi nhy t rhfyhdi ckhe/<br />

prtdg/// )k/n/(<br />

thl vtc t atkv cbudg sh nmc thi uutx nhr dgpubgi zhl/ thz gbe tntk tuhpdgeungi thi dgstbe sh prtdg’ tuhc sh auugrhehhy nhy uutx nhr<br />

nuyagbgi zhl’ thz t bxhui’ tsgr dtr t dzr shi tui ti guba? thl dkhhc tz gx ntfy tuhx t ayhek jhkue muuhai sh muuhh/<br />

bxhui - tuhc sh nmc uutx nhr dhhgi hgmy tsurl thz t bxhui’ sti uuhhx thl tz thl str; ngr stuugbgi sgruh; tui nrcv zhhi tui ayhhdi thi thshaehhy<br />

tui thi ngaho yucho’ chz thl uugk zufv zhhi dgvtkpi mu uugri/<br />

tcgr tuhc gx thz///!<br />

ti guba - sti tpar thz bhay ahhl mu yui gpgx sgrptr’ egi zhhi thl chi jhhc tuh; gpgx ti guba fr, jkhkv )uutx egi tuhl nhhbgi mu ckhhci<br />

ehbsgrktz j"u(? thz st btl ti guba uutx vty t ahhfu, nhy bhay vtci ehbsgr? uutx sti’ uugy btl vgkpi ,phkv sgruh;//?? tsgr egi zhhi tz sh<br />

gbypgr #1/// )j/h/(<br />

thl vtky drtsg bhay tz sh nmc thz jkhkv ti guba’ uuhhk stx thz t<br />

x,hrv tui euny tuhx thi egdbzt. mu sh grayg nmuv thi sh ,urv uutx<br />

hgsg ths thz ctpuhki dguutri - "pru urcu"// sgr ctagpgrwx rmui thz tz<br />

hgsg ths ztk vtci ehbsgr’ tui stx vty gr tubz ctpuhki/ thl vtky tz<br />

gx thz gbsgra t bxhui tuhxmuprutuui tui ctaygyhdi tubzgr tnubv<br />

ucyjui thi vah",/ thhbgr vty nhr tntk dgztdy tz stx thz ti tupi<br />

uuhtzuh vah", ztdy tubz tz gr ptrktbdy pui tubz gpgr ngr uuh t muuhhyi/<br />

tuhpyuv pui ,phkv thz tz gx yuhay sh ngbya’ nnhkt egi zhhi tz yteg sh grayg ngbya - cgptr ,phkv’ thz jhhc dguugi t vtrci guba tcgr sh<br />

hgmyhdg ngbya mu uutx thl vtc zhl dgyuhay nhywi fj v,phkv’ thz ngdkhl auhi bhay jhhc///? thz gx sh ngdkhfg xhcv sgrmu? tui tuhc bhay’ tpar<br />

ztk thl pauy tbbgngi sgo guba nhy khcatpy tui prhhs///?? thl uutky ctaytbgi mu uuhxi tuhc thhbgr egi nhr vgkpi nhy t ptxhdi gbypgr///<br />

thz bhay st tzt ztl cthzv nmc ahvhw tbmubgngi ti guba tui dtrbhay<br />

yui kngav sgrmu’ tui thhbg pui sh drgxyg ngaho uutx thz ahhl muyui<br />

sgrmu thz ptrayhhy zhl ,phkv/<br />

gbypgr #3/// )t/r/(<br />

yhhgrg k/n/<br />

thl vtc pubey bgfyi btfy dgzgvi t j,o xupr uutx thl vtc<br />

dgvtkyi tz gx thz zhhgr ptxhd mu shhi prtdg’ thl uutky shr dgrtyi gx<br />

gbypgr #2/// )n/x/(<br />

tkhhi btfmueuegi/ gx thz thi zhhi xpr gk v,urv ),ur, nav(’ sh grayg<br />

ayhek tuh; purho/ thl uugk trtpcrgbdi sgo ayhek kuhy uuh thl vtc<br />

nhy sgo uutx su prgdxy - "tui tuhc bhay’ tpar ztk thl pauy tbbgngi<br />

sh guba nhy khcatpy tui prhhs///" uuh uuhhy thl uuhhx tui ptrayhh<br />

c/ xupr<br />

א נסיון<br />

אדער אן עונש...?‏<br />

ש<br />

ptmhrbshd tzuh truo thi "sh ngbgr uuhbek" chh sh ptruowx’ vtc thl zhl ctdgdby nhy t shxeuxhg pui sh ptrdtbdgbvhhy uutx thl aphr tz gx<br />

fsth tvgrmucrgbdi’ nvbv mu zhhi sh jaucwg khhbgr uutx uugki cgzvah", vtpgbykhl truhxbgngi sgrpui t ,ugk, hgsgr thi zhhi nmc/// sh<br />



jhzue<br />

cx"s<br />

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk<br />

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk<br />

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci<br />

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci<br />

חנוכה<br />

א שטראל פון האפענונג<br />

zhl aytrei tui dkhhci pgxy sgrhi<br />

tz sgr thhcgaygr egi tui uugy duyx yui<br />

nhr strpi zhl tcgr kgrbgi pui sh nfcho<br />

bhay ehhi jhkue uuh yubek gx thz sgr nmc truo<br />

gr srhhy thcgr sh ycg’ sgr fk hfuk<br />

gr ntfy ptr zhhbg ehbsgr ztk zhhi duy tui uutuhk<br />

vhhby tuhl tzuhuuh tntk<br />

sgr thhchaygr vgkpy zhhi ptke hartk<br />

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci<br />

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci<br />

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk<br />

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk<br />

tbdguutrpi tuh; sh ragho t pjs tui hrtv<br />

sh thsi zgbgi dgvtkpi dguutri nhy t haugv<br />

nhy t dhhxy pui cyjui tui tnubv<br />

vtci zhl sh janubtho dgaytrey nhy dcurv<br />

tbyktpi pubgo aubt uuh thnngr<br />

zhl ctvtkyi thi egkgri tui drhcgr<br />

ptr thsi dguugi phbxygr tui chygr<br />

dgkgcy thi pjs tui mhygr<br />

gx cktzy trhhi jhu, tui kgci<br />

t ths ztk zhhi vtpgbubd ehhbntk tuhpdgci<br />

sh khfygkgl ykhgi nhy t pube’ t ayrtk<br />

gx ahhby trhhi vtpgbubd thcgrtk<br />

sh khfygkgl zhh sgrmhhki pui auugrg mhhyi<br />

sh khfygkgl zhh sgrntbgi pui chygrg khhsi<br />

sh bru, jbufv ngi yuy auhi drhhyi<br />

chh sh khfygkgl ngi zhmy thi prhhsi<br />



ptrdgatmy t auugrgri napy’ tui ptrwi gkyxyi vty ngi fngy<br />

dgvuhci vgby tui ahgur tuhpdgdgci’ ptrtuhxzggbshd dtr t yubegki<br />

jxrui/ nnhkt’ chh sh muuhh hubdgrg cjurho uutx ngi vty dgvtkyi tz<br />

gx uugy eungi tchxk t drhbdgrg pxe’ vty ngi zhl gyuutx tuhl ptrktzy<br />

tuhpwi aupy tui gx thz bhay truhxdgeungi thdtbmi uuh ngi vty<br />

dgvtpy/<br />

g,hs tui dtr t auugri dgrhfy/ kngav thz ngi ptrvgkygbngxhd<br />

cxhhg,t sanht btl tkx tpdgeungi gyuutx drhbdgr uuh gx thz ptrktbdy<br />

dguutri ptr zhh/ gx thz t pjs mu yrtfyi sh auugrg nmc uugi gx<br />

uutky zhh jkhkv dgkubdgi truhxmucteungi sgo pxe pui pupmi htr uutx<br />

chh sh gkyxyg cjur tcgr’ uuh sgr nmc vty tuhxdgzgi vhkpktz<br />

tui ngi vty dgaphry tz ngi dgphby zhl nna tuh;<br />

zhh vtci ptrktbdy’ uutx stx uutky dgnhhby<br />

r"k mu ptrkhri sh agbxyg htri pui zhhgr kgci/<br />

t ptrntfyi uugd’ thz yteg sti sh auugrhehhy<br />

dguugi stx uutx vty dgvtkpi mu sgrdrhhfi sh<br />

ptraygbskhl tz<br />

fkk hartk vty btl<br />

kngav btl sh napy pui sh muuhh hubdgrg’ vty<br />

ngi nhy tbdxy zhl dgdrhhy tuh; sh auugrxyg<br />

khfyhdg haugv/ nhy sgo uutx ngi vty tuhpdgdgci<br />

tkg ngbyakhfg vtpgbubdgi’ tui zhl btr<br />

napy ptr sgo kgmyi uutx thz sh gkyxyg/<br />

truhpdguutrpi tuhpwi ctagpgr’ zhl ptrktzshd thbdtbmi<br />

btr tuh; tho’ vty gr yteg dgvtkpi nhy<br />

bhay tuhpdgdgci<br />

uugdi sh auutfg<br />

ptraygbskhl tz fkk hartk vty btl bhay<br />

tuhpdgdgci uugdi sh auutfg atbxi’ btr tsrcv<br />

t dtbmg haugv/<br />

ngi vty nuxh; dguugi thhbmurhhxi kyuc, sh<br />

vmkjv pubgo cjur/ ngi vty nrcv dguugi nhy<br />

stx thz tubzgr khnus’ tz uugi gx uugry ektr<br />

tz gx thz bhayt uugr gx ztk vgkpi tuhxgr sgr<br />

,pkv u,jbubho tui zhl ptrktzy tuh; vah",’<br />

uutx zhhi rjnbu, thz ti ehhi xu; zhhgbshd zhfgr<br />

tz gr uugy ahei ti gbydhkyhdg haugv tho<br />

truhxmubgngi ntphkv ktur dsuk/ tui ty stx<br />

atbxi’ btr tsrcv<br />

ngi vty nuxh; dguugi<br />

thhbmurhhxi<br />

kyuc, sh vmkjv<br />

"tsui guko"’ sgr fk hfuk’ tubzgr ytyg thi vhnk’<br />

tui ngi khhdy zhl duy trhhi thi vtr. nhy t dguutkshdg<br />

ektrehhy tui zhfgrehhy tz "thi gus<br />

nkcsu"//’ thz bhayt uugr gx uugy tho vgkpi<br />

pubgo cjur<br />

uutubsgr vty sti ptxhry’ yteg suet chh sgo<br />

napy vty sgr aupy truhxdgdgci t dgbmkhfg<br />

tuhxgr vah",/ tui gx uugki zhl yteg sti gpgbgi<br />

ptr tho sh agrh jxs’ agrh rjnho tui agrh<br />

ctprhhtubd egdi tkg gruutryubdgi’ ti zhl tphku<br />

gpgx rgfgbgi nhy sh prhgrshdg muuhh napyho/<br />

haugv pubgo curt h,crl uutx zhhbg ngaho zgbgi<br />

ti ti ge tui ti ti tpvtky’ tui gx uugy bapg<br />

nna ti tpgbgo bx fpauyu//! ti ehhi auo ptraygbskhfg vxcr/<br />

uugri nhsu vrjcv uvnktv tkgx uutx ngi yuy zhl btr uutubyagi crujbhu,<br />

ucdanhu,///!<br />

uugi ngi yrtfy tcgr trhhi thi sh uutubsgrkhfg ptxhrubd uugki nhr<br />

zgvi tz yteg ty stx uutx nhr vtci tbvhhc dganugxy vty st<br />

ptxhry/ uuhhk uugi t ngbya yrtfy tz gr thz btl chfuk, gpgx tuhpmuyui<br />

nhy sh thhdgbg fuju, tui ngi ptrktzy zhl tuh; ngbyakhfg<br />

thcgrdgzgmy tui truhxdgbungi pubgo jusawkhfi dkhui "np,j ak cbho" nhywi<br />

rau, pubgo truhxdgcgr u,auj"j kvo<br />

mu cteungi jusawkhl tuh; thnghk sgo vgrkhfi dkhui "np,j ak cbho" ahey ti<br />

thnghk mu<br />

fuju,’ sgntkx egi tntk ptrnhbgry uugri tchxk pui sh aytreg<br />

tnubv thi vah",’ tui sgo ctagpgrwx vapgv egi eungi nhy t ayhek<br />

m48485252@gmail.com<br />

--------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />



sh ptrngdi uutx gr ptrntdy’ tui ptruutx yteg dhy gr tho bhay sh<br />

dtbmg xfuo?<br />

sh fuubv pui sh uugrygr thz tcgr bhay’ thhbmuzgmi tsgr njkhy zhhi<br />

bhay guxe mu zhhi thi ehhbg va,sku,’ xhh cgbhbh prbxv’ tui xhh cgbhbh<br />

rputv’ btr sh fuubv thz pauy trhhbmucrgbdgi thi tubzgrg vgrmgr<br />

bhay jkhkv zhl mu ptrktzi tuh; sh thhdgbg ngaho aphrbshd tz stx<br />

btr uutx sgi - phry tuhx vrc chsgrnti akhy"t - stx thz uuhhk<br />

sgr guar yrtfy chh zhl yh; thi vtr.’ tz gr thz stl bhay sgr<br />

zgbgi sh pguku, uutx yugi tuh;/ sh tkg phzhag va,sku, zgbgi btr<br />

uuhhk sgr curt guko vty tzuh ctatpi sh uugky tuh; tzt tupi tz ngi<br />

thhbmhdxygr uutx egi tui str; vgkpi sgo ths’ gx zgbgi stl st btl<br />

phk tbsgrg uutx zgbgi tuhl dgcgbyay dguutri nhy t ptrngdi’ nnhkt<br />

str; zhl ctagpyhdi tui zhl phri tuh; sh tupi uutx khdy thbgo ycg<br />

tui zhl bhay ptrktzi tuh; bhxho’ tcgr ngi str; thhchd dgsgbegi uugr<br />

uugi hgsgr uugy zhl uutrho tbrupgi nhy t ahhbgo jke’ sti uugy zhl<br />

drhbdgrvhhy muztnaygki sh ptrktbdyg xfuo/<br />

gx phry tui srhhy ti sh tkg ycghu,wshdg dgaggbhai’ uugr ntfy tp<br />

uuh tzuh tkgx ztk ptxhri’ uuhhk muo xu; uugy nnhkt b,dkv uugri tz sh<br />

tuhc tcgr gx ztk zhl tntk ntfi t ptk uugi sh muuhh tuhcbsgrntbyg<br />

thsi - sgr mucrtfgbgr ytyg tui sgr druhxgr guar - ztki zhhi<br />

dtbmg ycg thz tuhl bhay ngr uuh t ayhe bx//! tui btfngr’ tz sh ycg<br />

thz btl sh drgxyg bx uutx yuy zhl tpaphki tuh; sh dtbmg crhtv’ tui<br />

muztngi’ btr zhh tkhhi tuh; thhi pkt.’ tui knak’ sgr guar uugy zgvi<br />

uuh ruhcgr ctptki sgo trhnti’ tui gr uuhhxy tz gr egi tho rtyguugi<br />

sti tz nhr uugki zhl stx duy thhbwjzrwi thi zhl’ thz zhfgr tz sh ,phkv<br />

uugy vtci dtb. ti tbsgrg pbho tui gx uugy ngr<br />

surfwi dgci t rhzi xfuo tuhxkhhz dgky’ uugy gr<br />

zhfgr bhay yrtfyi t rdg tui gr uugy ctks<br />

trhhbyrtfygbshd<br />

thi sh pryhu, vscrho<br />

tuhpyui tui b,eck uugri’ uuhhk nhr uugki zhl thbdtbmi<br />

ptrktzi tuh; tho aphrbshd tz gr thz sh<br />

tvhbdgci sgo dtbmi xfuo uutx ngi uugy ptrktbdgi’<br />

uuhxbshd tz ti zhhi dgky uugy jkhkv<br />

thhbmhdxyg guar uutx egi tubz vgkpi/<br />

ptrabhyi uugri stx tunaukshd kgci pui sgo<br />

trhnti’ uuhhk gr thz stl zhfgr chh zhl tz uugi<br />

tzuh trhhbyrtfygbshd thi sh dguutkshdg uugrygr<br />

uutx thz nhr btruutx trhhi thi nj tui thi<br />

vty zhl tcgr<br />

truhxdgaygky t<br />

bhay gr ztk tho abgk tuhxkhhzi’ thz stl bhayt<br />

st btl thhbgr uutx ztk tho egbgi vgkpi’ tui<br />

vtr.’ vtci nhhbg njacu, tbdgvuhci trhhbmuekgri<br />

tui trunauugci truo sgo yhhgri dgstbe’ tui<br />

gx thz bhayt btl thhbgr tuh; uugo sgr trhnti<br />

ztk egbgi truhxeuegi tho mu vgkpi’ uuhhk zhh<br />

dtr thbygrgxtbyg<br />

nmhtu,/ gx thz<br />

thl vtc zhl tbdgvuhci n,cubi mu zhhi thi ptrahsgbg<br />

nmcho cahhfu, nhy sgo gbhi’ tui sti thz nhr<br />

zgbgi stl st tkhhbx’ btr zhh muuhh/<br />

tuhpdgaprhbdgi thi dgstbe t dgaggbha uutx<br />

vty zhl kgmybx tpdgaphky’ tui thz cnal sh<br />

dguugi stry srhh<br />

ctzubsgrg nmcho’<br />

kgmyg srhh htr dguugi npurxo chho vhhnhai mhcur<br />

thi tr. hartk tui uuh tuhl thi sh dtbmg uugky’<br />

"stx thz tuhl sgr uugd pui vec"v" - phry<br />

tuhx sgr naphg rch tkhnkl akhy"t nhy t zhdrhhfi<br />

yti’ - tui stx thz dgckhci thhbdgerhmy<br />

thi nhhi vtr. tui uuh tuhl thi sh vgrmgr pui sh<br />

tui uugi nhr uugki zhl n,cubi zhhi ktjr vngav’<br />

uugy b,dkv uugri t dguutkshdg dgstbe uutx<br />

mgbskhdg uutx zgbgi sti stry dguugi’ - nhr ayhhgi<br />

ptr vah", nhy t ,phkv’ tui thi tubzgrg<br />

uuhhk kuhy zhhgr<br />

gkygr vty ngi<br />

kgrby tubz sh zgkcg uutx nhr vtci chz hgmy<br />

dganugxy/<br />

njacu, yugi nhr yteg tuhxektri tui tuhxatrpi<br />

tubzgr aytreg tui pgxyg tnubv tz<br />

ptrtuhxdgzgi srhh<br />

ctzubsgrg atbxi/<br />

thi sh kgmyg srhh htr thz fkk hartk dguugi<br />

ctztrdy tuh; sh nmc tui rtkg pui sh srhh txhrh<br />

vec"v thz t fk hfuk’ gr dhy kgci’ gr dhy prbxv’<br />

tui thi zhhbg vgby khdy sgr fj kvjhu, bpa fk<br />

htpti uutx zgbgi dgzgxi tunaukshdgrvhhy thi sh<br />

uuhhyg htpti tuhpwi jyt pui trhhbanudkgi<br />

jh// tcgr tuhc yuy zhl tuhl trhhbdbcwgbgi thi<br />

tubzgr njacv dguuhxg rghubu, pui ptrahsgbg<br />

tunkgdtkg xjurv’ tui uuh nhr uuhhxi tkg zgbgi zhh<br />

bgcgl dguugi tunaukshdg ercbu, mu sh dgkydhhmhehhy pui dguuhxg<br />

tunptrtbyptrykhfg ptrauhbgi/ ptrayhhy zhl tz tuhpwi kgdtki<br />

prtby vty ngi tbdguutbsi tkg nhykgi tuhpmuuuhhzi zhhgr tunuuhxbvhhy<br />

thhdgbg pguku,’ tz vec"v thz btr t jke pui sh uutx egbgi tho vgkpi’<br />

thz yteg dgrgfy tz nhr uugki zhfgr egbgi cteungi pui vah", t ahhbgo<br />

b,hbv ptr tubzgrg ceau,’ gf"p tzuh uuh gx uutky dgptxy ptrwi<br />

guar mu dgci’ tcgr stl bhay tkgx! uuhhk nhr vtci stl btl ngbyai<br />

tui tunauks’ stl vty ngi tcgr zhl zhhgr dgnuyagy tui zhh zgbgi<br />

bgcgl tpdgzhmi ktbdg jsaho tui htri’ uugi nwpruchry tkg nhykgi zhh<br />

mu uugo mu dhhi’ tui vah", ztdy tubz: "dhhy mu sh tkg ngbyai tui<br />

pruchry gbegr nzk uuhphk gbe egbgi chh zhh tuhl cteungi///"’ tcgr<br />

mu ctprhhgi tui thi sh zgkcg mhhy vty fkk hartk thi sh dtbmg uugky<br />

thhbdgrhxi nhy ,pku, uceau, kyuc,o/<br />

ytngr nhr aphri zhl uuh thi t khhshdi nscr’ bhay vtcbshd mu uugo zhl<br />

mu uugbsi’ btr mu sgo thhbgo guar uutx nhr zggi tui sgregbgi tz<br />

btr gr egi tubz vgkpi’ tui nhy sgo stzhdi njacv uugbsi nhr zhl mu<br />

vec"v’ thz sti zhfgr tz tubzgrg ,phku, uugki dggbypgry uugri<br />

trhhbyrtfygbshd thi sh pryhu, vscrho vty zhl tcgr<br />

truhxdgaygky t dtr thbygrgxtbyg nmhtu,/ gx thz dguugi stry<br />

cakhnu,’ uuhhk sgr ctagpgr thz stl sgr cgk vrjnho tui tuhc uugi<br />

nwuugbsy zhl mu t car uso tuh; tzt tupi vty gr t dtbmg rjnbu,’<br />

srhh ctzubsgrg nmcho’ uuhhk kuhy zhhgr gkygr vty ngi ptrtuhxdgzgi<br />

srhh ctzubsgrg atbxi/ ptr sh hubdxyg pui sh srhh vty ngi<br />

thz stl t ek ujunr tz vec"v uutx gr thz sgr cgk vrjnho uugy zhl<br />

tuhpphri nhy zhhi ns, vrjnbu, tui tubz ahei t akhnu,wshdg haugv/<br />

ptrdgatmy sh drhbdxyg napy zhhgbshd sh uuhhbhdxyg ptrtbyptrykhl<br />

thi sh guukv uutx zhh vtci dgytvi’ ptr sh nhygkxyg vty ngi<br />



c"v<br />

jhzue<br />

vrc hartk zhkcrcrd<br />

hi thhbg pui sh juk vnugs ygd ptrbtfyx thz nhr<br />

tuhxdgeungi mu tsurl aptmhri t ch, nsra thi<br />

ktbdg uutrygbsg htri’ tui hgmy thz stx ehbs nna thi t nmc<br />

pui t xfb, jhho’ stx uutx pgky zhl tuhx mu tpmurtyguugi<br />

cbh cre cg, gx thz stry dgvgry dguutri sh pktnphhgrshdg<br />

srav pubgo ctetbyi naphg thi tr. hartk vdv"m rch<br />

zhhi zui yrgpy sgo rhzi xfuo pui "vubsgry yuhzgby stkkgr"///<br />

sgr druhxgr guar uugry dtr thcgrdgbungi pui sh auugrg<br />

nmc’ tui ptrktzy tphku t yrgr cag, sh mucrtfgbg ytyg<br />

khhdy trtp sh auugrg nmc’ tui muo xu; bgny gr yteg truhx<br />

tkhnkl chsgrnti akhy"t’ ti trhhbyrtfyi chi thl stry<br />

ptrvtkyi dguutri zhl muvgrbshd tchxk mu zhhbg yhhgrg uugrygr’<br />

tui tzuh chi thl auhi stry ptrckhci chzwi xu; anugx/<br />

thhbg pui sh ztfi pui sh phkg rghubu, uutx vty dgftpy nhhi<br />

t ahhbgo bscv pui "yuhzgby stkkgr"//! tui tuhc ktnhr ztdi<br />

sh ytyg thz btl ngr nmkhj tbmutuutrgngi tui thcgrbgngi<br />

vtr.’ thz dguugi sgr rghui pui sh gbhi tnubv u,phkv’ uuh tzuh<br />

sh nvkl str; zhhi chho zhl uugbsi mu vah", nhy xhh uugkfg<br />

stx vtr. pubgo guar’ uugy gr btl nuxh; zhhi mu dtr t ahhbgo<br />

b,hbv pui ftya "phb; yuhzgby stkkgr"//! tcgr stx thz<br />

pgrzgbkhfg ceav/ mukhc sh yhhgrehhy pui sh uugrygr vtc<br />

thl dgekgry gx nhymuyhhki nhy sh jaucwg khhbgr’ nhy t<br />

ctn, tuhl bhay ngr uuh phb; prtmgby pubgo druhxi xfuo<br />

uutx gx pgky zhl tuhx tui khdy tuh; sh pkhhmg pubgo trhngi<br />

ytyi/<br />

vuxpv uutx thl vtc dgekgry tkx t ptxhdg rghui nuxh; mu<br />

zhhi sgrmu/<br />

hgmy’ ktnhr zhl t nhbuy tpaygki tui trhhbyrtfyi sgo<br />

jacui pui sgo druhxi guar/ ptruutx yteg bgny gr bhay<br />

tui tzuh vty gr tbdgvuhci sgo gbhi nhy t ruyhbg atkv:<br />

ktnhr zhl trhhbkhhdi thi sh nuj pui t dtr druhxi guar’ nna<br />

tuh; zhl sh dtbmg vumtv? thsi zgbgi stl rjnbho cbh rjnbho’<br />

tui stx thz zhfgr tz kuhy sgo guarwx crhhyi ptrngdi uutky<br />

rhhl uuh erj’ cg, gx ayhhy ptr tho t mucrtfgbg tui dtr<br />

tbdguuhhytdyg ths’ tui gr dhxy zhl tuhx zhhi auugr pgek ptr<br />

zhl chh tho dtrbhay dgaphry tphku gr ztk truhxbgngi sh<br />

dtbmg xfuo uutx pgky zhl tuhx/// tui ftya nwrgsy yteg<br />

tho’ gr str; muztnaygki t rhzi xfuo ptr vumtu, rputv<br />

ptr zhhi ctkhcyi zui uutx thz tho dgcuhri dguutri btl 01<br />

bhay pui t ekhhbgo xfuo’ thz stx stl btl tkx dtrbhay egdi<br />

אויף וועם טוען<br />

מיר זיך פארלאזן...?‏<br />

א<br />



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