May Week 2013 Special Edition - The Cambridge Student ...

May Week 2013 Special Edition - The Cambridge Student ...

02 Editorial & News

It’s May Week. You’ve done

everything you were meant to

(more or less), and now freedom

and relaxation beckon. You deserve

it. The Cambridge student is tipsy,

and most of The Cambridge

Student is too, but there’s no real

change there. Being part of TCS

is a lot like living in a perpetual

May Week; you sleep at weird

hours, drink too much, and lose

the ability to spell things properly.

More importantly, enjoy knowing

that whatever you’re doing at any

given moment, your DoS is likely

to disapprove. There is a growing

Insanitabridgeans by Clementine Beauvais

tendency among Cambridge

tutors and DoS’es to warn their

students away from the evils of

journalism, student drama, and

anything which might possibly

detract from Tripos. One former

TCS editor recently enraged their

DoS within seconds of arriving at a

supervision. Their crime? Turning

up in a TCS hoodie. If in doubt,

just remember: these people don’t

know very much about education.

They may be a world-expert

on Norman fonts, but when it

comes to really understanding

Cambridge, your Tutor’s opinion


isn’t necessarily the most reliable.

The difference between a first and

a starred first is not important.

Throwing yourself into life in

Cambridge, trying everything

your time here can provide is. The

education Cambridge offers is

unique because provides you with

the opportunity to do an absurdly

varied number of things, in a very

short space of time, knowing that

you may never have the chance to

do them again. Join that college

croquet team! Learn to speak

Ukranian! And try your hand at

working for a weekly newspaper,

or directing some Shakespeare,

or anything. But remember that

your degree, at the end of the

day, isn’t particularly important.

If you do everything, you can

do anything. If you only do

academic work, you can become

an academic. The choice is yours.


TCS would like to thank

Clementine Beauvais for her

beautiful, funny and strangely

touching work. For the last

Touche! Sword nicked from May Ball

SWNS/Masons News

Yema Stowell

News Reporter

The streets of Cambridge have

become a little more dangerous

after a sword was taken from

Trinity May Ball on Monday

night. Yesterday afternoon, the

Ball’s Ents Officer, Mary Price,

commented on the Overheard at

Cambridge Facebook group where

she reported the missing sword.

The post offers an “amnesty”

period where the sword can be

returned anonymously to the

College, but warns that if the

sword is not returned today, and if

the person who took it did so with

no intention of returning it, then

they “will be guilty of theft – an

offence punishable by up to seven

years in prison.”

Trinity ents

officer: the

sword must be

returned today

This suggestion has been met

with disdain from several students

who have asked why the sword

was at the ball in the first place,

with many others questioning the

accuracy of the Daily Mail article

where the picture first appeared.

One student wrote, “Trinity has

SWORDS? Homerton didn’t even

have a shisha tent! #rippedoff.”

Another student identified the

sword as a sabre, continuing:

“Sabres are regularly targeted to

be “borrowed” by opportunistic

guests at May Balls, not just

Trinity - I personally confiscated

a sword at Peterhouse last year.”

The alleged theft wasn’t the only

strange event at Trinity to arouse

the interest of the tabloids. On

Tuesday, one opportunistic

SWNS/Masons News

hack was caught scouting for

information on the Overheard

page where she enquired about a

student who left Trinity May Ball

with a wine glass embedded in his

foot. The journalist’s nonchalant

comment read: ‘Who’s the guy

with the glass stuck in his foot

College “keen

to recover the

wine glass base

and stem”

on the daily mail?! lol.’ Once the

journalist’s identity was revealed,

she came under heavy fire for

her “underhand” tactics, and was

subsequently banned.

Several students have responded

to the situation with serious

criticism of the journalist’s

presence within the group, but

many have adopted a more lighthearted

perspective. Discussing

the missing sword, one student

wondered whether Trinity College

had yet checked the Hogwarts’

sorting hat while another user

commented satirically that the

College “is also very keen to

recover the wine glass base and

stem, for the sake of the contractor


Otherwise, prison. Prison for you

all.” At the time of going to press,

neither the sword nor the wine

glass had been returned.


Thursday, 20th June, 2013 {TCS}

seven years, Clementine has

been drawing Insanitabridgeans

for TCS (known elsewhere as

‘Doodles from the Bubble’). It’s the

world’s second-longest running

student cartoon strip, and the

misadventures of Jenny and Tim

have, in a small way, made the

world a better place for hundreds

of thousands of Cantabridgeans.

TCS doesn’t do free advertising,

so I won’t tell you to buy her

childrens’ books, but sources

close to TCS can exclusively reveal

that they’re really rather good.


Editor in Chief:

Tristram Fane Saunders

Associate Editor:

Zoah Hedges-Stocks

News Editor:

Gwen Jing

Deputy News Editors:

Madeleine Bell, Timur Cetin,

Adam Clark, Hazel Shearing

Magazine Editor:

James Redburn

International Editors:

Fahd Humayun & Daniel Rowe

Comment Editors:

Izzy Bowen & Jeremy Wikeley

Features Editors:

Alice Eccles & Hannah Marcus

Interviews Editors:

Emily Handley & Harry Peto

Music Editor: Sophie Luo

Film Editor: Arjun Sajip

Art Editors:

Miranda Bain & Jake Wood

Books Editor: Georgia Wagstaff

Theatre Editors:

Suzanne Duffy

& Hannah Greenstreet

Listings & Events Editor:

Jenni Reid

Sport Editors:

Nick Butler & Gerald Wu


Caitlin Blumgart

Chief Photographer

David Hurley

Sub-Editors: Ashley Chhibber, Zahra

Mashhood, Jeni Bloomfield, Katherine

Bond, Isabel Adomakoh Young, Yema

Stowell, Olivia Morgan, Sky Holmes,

Rachel Fletcher, Ciara Berry, Felix de Brey

& Elizabeth Gould

Web Editor: Mark Curtis

Board of Directors: Mark Curtis

(Business), Zoah Hedges-Stocks (invited

member), Isabel Adomakoh Young,

Arjun Sajip, Dom Weldon,

Nicholas Tufnell (co-chair),

Laurence Tidy (co-chair)

& Tristram Fane Saunders

The Cambridge Student is editorially independent

and financially self-sufficient.

The Cambridge Student is published by Cambridge

University Students’ Union. All copyright is the

exclusive property of the publisher. No part of this

publication is to be reproduced, stored on a retrieval

system or submitted in any form or by any means

without prior permission of the publisher.




Recycled paper made up

80.6% of the raw material for

UK newspapers in 2006

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013

News 03

Bumped off! Bad boaties, dead ducklings

Controversial local animal rights activist speaks to TCS

Nick Stenning

Ashley Chhibber

News Reporter

Following years of escalating tensions

between users of the River Cam, May

Bumps crews have faced accusations

of careless rowing resulting in the

deaths of wildlife on the river.

Lee Culley, a charity worker with

a narrow boat on the Cam, claims

to have seen two ducklings killed

during a women’s division race:

They just kept on going and their

blades went through the ducks and

killed two. The ducks were only three

weeks old… I am worried about the

other wildlife. We just don’t have that

much of it left on the river because

there are just too many rowers.”

Culley rowed for 6 years and

received Blades for The Champion

of the Thames (a pub on King’s

Street), until discouraged by the

increasing traffic on the river. He has

since become a vocal figure amongst

Cambridge animal rights’ activists,

and was one of the key volunteers

to look after the infamous swan, ‘Mr

Asbo’, during the 2010 May Bumps.

Mr Asbo was removed last year by

the Cam Conservators and Natural

England, following escalating

violence and fears that he might

move further upriver and thereby

endanger tourists and punters. In

protest, campaigners dressed up as

swans and delayed and disturbed

races during the 2012 May Bumps.

Culley and two other men were

“It’s outrageous.

Rowing should

be banned.”

- King’s economist

subsequently taken to court by the

Cam Conservators. He was convicted

as “master in lawful command” of

the incident and fined £704. Culley

told TCS, that he saw the courtcase

as a waste of money which

could have been better spent on

protecting wildlife: “It cost the Cam

Conservators nearly £2,000 to take

us to court over breaking bylaws. It

was counter-productive, really.”

According to the Cam

Conservators, Culley’s misbehaviour

contributes to the problem. They told

him, “if people like yourself were

compliant with our bylaws without

being chased continually, then we

could dedicate more time to the very

issues that you want to discuss.”

However, Culley saw this response

as “a positive outcome”, telling TCS

that he is still a member of the

conservators; “We all sat down at the

table to discuss it after, which is what

I wanted.”

This is not the first incident in

which wildlife have suffered as a

result of Bumps. In May 2012, a duck

and its ducklings were killed when

the Cam Conservators arranged for

the banks of the Cam to be mown in


One Cambridge resident and

offer-holder watching the races

on Saturday, Bryony Hutchinson,

said: “I think there’s not much you

can do about it, but it’s still sad. It

wouldn’t be much fun to watch, but

I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more

often, actually. And the swans are


Yet not all students share this

view. King’s economist Ruairi

O’Donoghue was incensed: “I think

it’s outrageous. Rowing should be

banned, and the rowers responsible

should be prosecuted. We should

be trying not to interfere with the

natural environment so much.” Ash

Simkins, a Bio Natsci watching the

races, agreed: “It’s not survival of the

fittest. It’s just humans destroying

everything, like they always do.”

A Cambridge University

Combined Boat Clubs (CUCBC)

spokesperson attempted to reassure

worried parties: “Every effort is

being made to mitigate disturbance

to wildlife and to keep ducks and

other waterfowl out of the way of

racing boats.

Indeed, the start of the men’s

second division on Wednesday night

was delayed by 15 minutes while a

family of ducks were guided out of

harm’s way.”

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04 News Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}

Russell Group to

help reform A-Levels

The Russell Group is to secure a

permanent role in the design of

A-Levels, with the establishment of

the A-Level Content Advisory Board

(ALCAB). The group of leading

universities, including Cambridge

and Oxford, will advise Ofqual,

the qualifications regulator, on the

content of A-Level subjects they

regard as “adequate preparation” for

higher education. Previously such

moves have been criticised as a shift

to a narrow curriculum, especially

by the teaching unions. However

Education Minister Michael Gove

welcomed “Strong leadership from

Russell Group universities”, after

opposition to his reforms which

proposed abolishing AS-Levels.

The new board may delay the

introduction of some of the reformed

A-Levels, designedfrom continuous

two year courses, from 2015 to 2016.

Union debate screw-up

Last Thursday, The Cambridge

Union held a debate on Israel-

Palestine relations described by

some students as “the emptiest

debate all term”, with controversy

surrounding the choice of speakers.

With the motion of “This House

Believes the Two State Solution is

the Only Solution”, the organisers

came under fire for not including

any Palestinian representatives to

argue on the Palestine side. Union

President Joel Fenster said: “We

invited a dozen Palestinians, but

unfortunately they weren’t available

- we are often limited to who says

yes. The Palestinian Ambassador

spoke (see TCS interview p10)

earlier in the term, on this very

issue, but unfortunately wasn’t

available to return for the debate.”

Welsh HE revamp -

two year degrees?

The Welsh government has

announced that it will consider

“radical” changes in higher

education, including two-year

undergraduate courses. This is one

of the priorities laid out in Labour’s

draft policy statement released

on 11th June. The government

is considering two-year

undergraduate courses followed by

single year funded Master’s courses

– a way to “support postgraduate

study”. Other possible changes

include the introduction of “selfsufficient”

courses like veterinary

medicine to the country. The Welsh

government also envisages new

performance measures to assess

the quality of the education system.

Spotted: Damon

and Clooney

On 1st June Matt Damon visited

Cambridge’s Kelsey Kerridge

Sports Centre, shocking Cambridge

residents. The following day he

returned to play basketball with

Hollywood friend George Clooney.

The pair were given free entry

by the staff, who were surprised

by the stars’ laid-back attitude.

Liane Shadrack, the sports centre

manager, is optimistic about the

consequences of their visit: “maybe

they will tell some of their A-list

friends so who knows who will be

in next”. On Sunday night the actors

ate in Loch Fyne on Trumpington

Street, and are believed to have

stayed in Hotel Du Vin.

Inflatable penis replaces jelly wrestling

Adam Clark

Deputy News Editor

The Wyverns’ Garden party

passed off quietly this Sunday,

without the traditional female jelly

wrestling competition. However

the appearance of a giant inflatable

penis to ride in bucking bronco

style was seen as a deliberate jibe at

feminist concerns over the party.

Debate this year has centred on

the jelly wrestling competition

after a petition to stop the ‘sexist’

event gained 1,167 signatures and

was officially cancelled. The party

did feature a jelly pool but a sign

(pictured, right) asked revellers to

“please refrain from wrestling in our

jelly”. Two male attendees did have

a quick wrestle before being stopped

by organisers.

Nina de Paula Hanika, organiser

of the original petition, said,

They’re free to define themselves

however they wish. I’m just unsure

why they would choose, of all

possible options, a giant inflatable

penis. It speaks for itself really.” She

added, “The sign on the pool was an

immature response which showed

it’s likely they didn’t understand the

issues we raised.”

One attendee at the party

admitted the inflatable penis had

Following increasingly tense

negotiations over the Government

Spending Review it has emerged that

the Treasury is pushing for cuts in

spending on higher education that

would specifically target student


At present, graduates only start

paying back loans when their salaries

exceed £21,000, though this position

is seemingly undermined by reports

that some 40% of loans go unpaid.

The Treasury is said to have suggested

a lowering of the earnings limit to

£18,000, in a move that they claim

has the potential to save hundreds of

millions of pounds.

The proposal comes amidst

some “misogynistic overtones”, but

said that in general “there appeared

to be a level of decency that you

might not have expected given the

party’s reputation. A limited number

of portaloos was an issue, and led to

perhaps a considerable amount of

outdoor excretion, but nothing too


Suicide Sunday’s most infamous

drinking society event was held

several miles out of town in

Trumpington, having been banned

four years ago from being held on

university land. The dress code was

bikinis for women and blazers and

shorts for men.

In previous years the party has

been the focus of tabloid Suicide

Sunday coverage, but this year the

Cardboard Boat Race held on the

same day seemed to take centre

stage. The Daily Mail opted for

happy pictures of racers on the Cam.

Oxford Union in bizarre sexist hacking scandal

Gerald Wu

News Reporter

The former Secretary-designate of

the Oxford Union, Cai Wilshaw,

has been accused of attempted

computer hacking and sexist behaviour.

Having resigned over ‘personal

reasons’ just three days after

his election, nine emails in the form

of screenshots were leaked and

Double blow for students as Spending Review

seeks to redraw student loans

Alex Rice

News Reporter



excretion, but

nothing too


distributed to the Treasurer-elect

and Librarian-elect, as understood

by student newspaper Cherwell.

In his personal emails, Wilshaw

enquired: “HOW do I get the files

of people with Macs?”, although it

is unclear whether he actually applied

the knowledge gained from

an unknown correspondent named

‘A.J.’ to hack his competitors’ computers.

Wilshaw was also involved

revelations from a leaked confidential

report showing that the government

is considering redrawing the terms of

all loans taken out within the last 15

years. It is estimated that this would

affect around 3.6 million people in

England alone.

In the report, dubbed ‘Project

Hero’, the authors outline a script for

ministers to persuade graduates to

accept a worsening of their interest

rates. They suggest ministers argue

that ‘you have a better deal than your

younger siblings (they will incur

£9,000 fees and up to RPI +3% rates)’

The news has been met with stark

condemnation from the NUS, whose

president Liam Burns said that ‘any

change to terms and conditions

of loans would risk completely

undermining claims ministers made

about their policies’. He goes on to

suggest introducing a law to protect

the terms and conditions of student

Graduates to

pay back loans

on £18,000 per


loans once taken out.

Reaction amongst Cambridge

students has been much the same,

with Molly Seymour at Homerton

criticising the way in which debate

around the plans appears to

have “bypassed students”. Yet the

in creating internet memes targeted

at Librarian candidate Amelia

Hamer. One particular memm

depicted Hamer with the words

‘Gets sponsorship - Prize: BJ”.

Responding to these allegations

in an open letter to Cherwell,

Wilshaw admitted his role in

creating the memes but remained

silent over the hacking claims. He

claimed the memes were motivated

by personal rivalry, and ‘not remotely

by sexism’. Instead, Wilshaw

drew attention to thehacking of

own his computer which was used

to leak his personal emails to the

Union committee in the first place.

The Oxford Union has not

responded to the fresh allegations

made by Wilshaw.”

- Graduates will repay loans at a lower wage threshhold

- Leaked government report reveals massive tax-hike for students

overwhelming reaction has been

one of disbelief, with many students

shocked that the government have the

right to change their loan conditions;

a feeling that the proposed measures

amount to a concerted attack on


However, the plans are not yet set in

stone and are being resisted by Vince

Cable who heads the Department

for Business, Innovation and Skills

(DBIS), where cuts would fall.

Mr Cable has said that any cut

would damage British universities,

which face growing international

competition from institutions

overseas. George Osborne will later

this month unveil spending plans for

2015/16, the first year after the general


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06 News Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}

Murray Edwards

student assaulted

On Tuesday 4th June an

undergraduate student at Murray

Edwards was assaulted whilst

walking to a taxi. The incident

took place at around 1 a.m. on

Bridge Street near Patisserie

Valerie. The student concerned

described the attacker as white, in

his early twenties, with dark spiked

hair, wearing a red t-shirt and blue

jeans. She was able to fight him off

and get to the taxi. In an email to

the college’s students, the Senior

Tutor described the attack as

“unpleasant and potentially very

serious”, warning them to go in

pairs whenever they are walking

at night.

Police called over

“ugly” prostitute

A man has been warned by the

police for calling 999 to claim a

prostitute breached the Sale of

Goods Act by being less attractive

than she had claimed. The call

was made by a man in Solihull,

Birmingham. The man claimed to

have met the woman in a hotel car

park where he raised the issue of her

looks, after which she took his car

keys and ran away before throwing

them back at the client. He then

contacted the police where he

claimed she “Has misrepresented

herself totally”. The West Midlands

police informed him that she had

not omitted any offence whereas he

was guilty of soliciting for sex. He

refused to give his details but the

police have identified and warned

him. Sergeant Jerome Moran of the

Solihull police station called the

case “unbelievable”.

Cambridge school to

hire porn star

The headmaster of The Leys school

in Cambridge – regarded as one

of the best private schools in the

country – has claimed that he

would consider inviting a porn star

into the school for sex education

lessons. Mark Slater is concerned

with the amount of online

pornography being watched by

pupils and believes that this could

combat it. He argued that a talk

by a porn star could be beneficial

by highlighting to pupils the

difference between pornography

and genuine relationships and how

the former can damage the latter.

Slater claimed he would consider

an invitation as long as the porn

star was going to “put across good

values and be a good influence”.

Female professor

gender gap persists

Figures obtained by the Times

Higher Education has shown that

efforts to balance out the gender

gap in academic staff across the UK

is falling far short of expectations.

Whilst overall, around one in five

professors in the UK is female this

is not spread out equally, with some

institutions having just one female

professor for every ten positions.

Only six of the 24 Russell Group

universities have higher than

average female representation

among the professoriate-

Cambridge has just 15.6% of

professors as women. This has led to

calls for funding to ensure women

are able to progress academically

along with male counterparts.

‘Cheating’: Everybody does it

Hazel Shearing

Deputy News Editor

A recent European survey has found

that students are unaware of what

constitutes cheating in assessed work

and exams. With their work constantly

assessed as part of the Cambridge

weekly supervision system, students

admit that the high pressure and tight

deadlines make cheating a more casual

and frequent ocurrence.

40% of UK

students don’t

know what

counts as


According to the study by Coventry

University, only 6% of students

consider copying 40% of an essay

word-for-word from another source to

be plagiarism. However, when asked

about an essay where “some changes”

had been made to another text and

submitted, almost 40% were unsure

about whether this was plagiarism,

or completely disagreed that it was.

The surve y showed that nearly one

third of UK students believe they

have plagiarised intentionally or by


When asked by The Cambridge

Parents panic as notorious Cambridge

scam school swindler disappears

Tristram Fane Saunders


Taryn Edwards, director of the

Cambridge College Programme, has

“disappeared,” The Cambridge Student

has been told. Concerned parents

contacted TCS this week to complain

about the Programme’s dubious

business practices.

The Programme gained attention

in the national press last year after

claiming offering Cambridge students

summer work, then refusing to pay. Ms.

Edwards still owes several thousand

pounds to Cantabridgeans, and is

in debt to a number of Cambridge

colleges (see ‘The Grinch who stole

Cambridge,’ TCS, 24/1/2013).

Dora, the mother of a pupil set

to attend the programme this July,

called TCS to explain that Edwards

“disappeared” after receiving an initial

payment of $200, and would no longer

Student if they have ever cheated in

submitted work, responses were mixed

depending on the type of work.

Students asked made notable

distinctions between exams and

supervision work, with most claiming

that they had not cheated in the

former either at school or at university.

One first year claimed that cheating

undermines the value of exams: “I was

in an Arabic exam and everyone was

looking at each others’ answers. It just

defeats the point of proving you have

a skill”.

Supervision work, however,

encourages a much more relaxed

attitude. An engineer claimed that in

weekly work “the answers are at the

back of the question paper so you have

to tailor your working to the solution”,

rejecting the suggestion that this was

cheating. She added, “I tried to flick

to the back of the exam paper for the

answers. There was nothing there”.

Sharing notes is the most common

possible form of “cheating” amongst

arts students. Despite claiming that

he has never cheated himself, one

historian admitted that he has shared

notes with friends for essays in order

to lighten the work-load: “I know some

people pretty much copy second years’

essays every week”.

Another first year equally denied

that there is anything wrong with this:

“I borrowed someone’s revision notes

respond to phone calls or emails. Dora

put a stop to a second cheque for $6000

to cover the full scheme costs, but

has been unable to recover the hefty

registration fee. Dora told TCS “It’s

been more than a month a month now,

and we can’t get any information from

her,” Dora explained. “If she’d taken the

full fee, I wouldn’t know what to do.”

Meanwhile, Jennifer, who arranged

a place for her daughter on the

programme believing it was affiliated

to Cambridge, told TCS that she

has become “very concerned” about

Edwards’ business practices.

for a weekly essay so I didn’t have to

read it myself, not really cheating

as I’m going to eventually read it

anyway”. One student even claimed

that flirtation is a common means of

getting someone else’s notes to copy.

However, other students highlighted

the drawbacks of note-sharing and

basing essays on Wikipedia, which is

In an attempt to rebuild her

credibility, Edwards has launched an

online video testimonial campaign,

featuring people who claim to be

students from the programme.

According to a source close to the

Programme, ‘Elizabeth’ (who gives one

of the testimonials) is not a student, but

is in reality Edwards’ new staff director.

Last summer, Ms. Edwards was

“trapped” by angry former employees

in the courtyard of Robinson College,

and served with a court order. Edwards

fled the country just hours later. She

is believed to still be living in Illinois

where her house is in the process of

being reclaimed by her bank. Further

information recovered from Edwards’

shredded business documents has

confirmed that she goes by multiple

aliases, and has lied to colleagues about

the ages of her students.

One source close the Programme

told TCS, “She really is every bit

another common problem. One first

year argued “it stops people doing the

full reading themselves, stimulating

their mind in the right way and getting

the full breadth of knowledge”.

When asked by TCS why note

sharing and plagiarism is so frequent

in Cambridge, the most common

response was that the time-constraints

of weekly essays and supervision work

made it the easiest option.

The frequency of submitted

work can encourage a more relaxed

attitude towards it. “Every point I’ve

ever written has been regurgitated

criticism”, admitted one English

student. “F.R Leaves [sic.] and I have

startlingly similar ideas”.

Cambridge MP Bullied for “ginger goatee”

Hazel Shearing

Deputy News Editor

Liberal Democrat MP Julian Huppert

was the subject of what he has

described as “bullying” last week in

the House of Commons. According

to Huppert, MPs deliberately

made it harder for him to speak by

verbally teasing him and calling him


There are clearly efforts by some

MPs to try to make it harder for some

people to speak”, said Huppert. On


“She really is

every bit

as loony as

people say”

“Every point

I’ve ever made

has been



12th June he tweeted determinedly:

“I’ve had enough. I’m going to give a

full speech in this debate...”

The MP has confirmed that

occurrences like these are not oneoffs,

claiming: “It’s happening to

me at the moment, it’s happened to

other people in the past and it will

happen to more people in the future

which is what really upsets me”. He

has described the MPs’ behaviour as

“simply unacceptable”.

Huppert’s experience has attracted

attention outside of politics.

Sarah Carver, 38, was outraged by

the situation. Carver related the

situation to her own 11 year-old son’s

experiences, who she had recently

moved out of his primary after cases

of bulling. “Bullying is horrible and

isolating whether you are a child or

an adult”, Carver said. “Mr Huppert’s

friends should stand up for him and

there should be someone to help him.”

as loony as people say she is […] I

had assumed she was done – that

last summer was the last heist, so to

speak – but she is obviously intent on

pushing her luck until this whole thing

completely implodes around her.”

TCS has repeatedly tried to contact

Edwards, with no success. According

to the Programme’s website, the

programme is set to return this summer,

but there is no mention of where it will

take place. After a campaign started by

TCS earlier this year, every Cambridge

College formally refused to allow Ms.

Edwards or the Programme to use

their property.

Edwards’ alleged disappearance is

bad news for those parents who have

already paid for the programme. If the

Programme does not take place this

summer – as looks increasingly likely

– those parents who have already paid

the full fee could lose more than US


Inf-Life Teacher

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013

News 07

Chaos at Cindies

TCS News

Last Tuesday night at Cindies

(officially Ballare), police were

called by a student who was being

crushed in the mismanaged queue.

There appeared to be a lack of

orderly queuing system on the night

of the 11th of June, as students

celebrating the end of exams

described the scene as “crazy”, a

“scrum” and “manic”.

Cambridgeshire Police confirmed

that: “There is record of a call being

made just before midnight but no

suggestion any action was taken.”

“I was crushed

as everyone

pushed. At one

point I thought

I was going to


According to the nightclub, one

complaint was dealt with in relation

to that night.

One second year English student

who was close to fainting in the

queue said: “They clearly had far too

few bouncers to control the queue.

There was only one man trying to

block off the stairs and check ID and

so he couldn’t make the crowd form

an orderly queue.

“I was crushed as everyone pushed

forwards; it was very claustrophobic

and at one point I thought I was

going to faint. It was like being at the

front of a gig. They really needed an

increase in staff members.”

According to the nightclub,

however, the club only opened at

10:30pm and there was no issue with

capacity, which it states was only at


The student who raised the alarm

with police was unavailable for


Speaking to TCS, Andrew Barney,

manager of Cindies (or ‘Ballare’),

said: “The safety and enjoyment of

our customers is always our main

priority. Whilst there was a minor

issue in the queue on Tuesday night,

it was dealt with swiftly and safely

by our team and the Police were not


“It was like

being at the

front of a gig.

They really

needed more

staff members.”


“We recognise that it’s the end of

exam season and our customers are

keen to get out there and celebrate,

but we’d urge them to behave

responsibly when waiting to get into

the club.”

Ballare has run as a nightclub

in Cambridge since the 1970s,

having been branded previously as

Ronelles, Cinderella Rockerfellas

and Fifth Avenue.

Meet employers with vacancies this Autumn/Winter.

Technical and non-technical roles available within

a range of employment sectors

Careers Service

Summer Event

14:00 – 17:00 Wednesday 26 June

University Centre, Granta Place CB2 1RU

Full details via the online programme at Entry via your University ID card

08 News Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}

Cambridge physical

sciences receive


A new physical science research

centre in Cambridge has received

£63 million worth of funding. The

Maxwell Centre is being built on

the West Cambridge university site

and will open in summer 2015. The

centre is designed as a hub for a

partnership between fundamental

physics research and industrial

investment, especially in renewable

energy sources. It will build on

the existing work of Cambridge’s

Programme for the Physics of

Sustainability. £21 million is

coming from the government, with

the rest from industrial partners

(including Hitachi, Toshiba and the

Wellcome Trust) and the Higher

Education Funding Council for


New city climate

change scheme

A collaboration of organisations

aim to bring down Cambridge’s

carbon emissions and energy costs,

reducing carbon by 30% by 2050.

The aim is to contribute to the

target of 80% set by the UK Climate

Change Act for the same year.

The Cambridge Retrofit Project

will involve massive parts of the

city, costing £1bn and including

around 20,000 private homes.

Energy-efficient measures installed

will include window glazing and

energy-efficient lighting. King’s

College Chapel – as the logo for the

project – will also be involved. Plans

include under-floor insulation and

low-energy light bulbs.

Cambridge museum

digging app NIB

The Cambridge Museum of

Archaeology and Anthropology

is playing host to a high-tech

application which allows users to

delve into the collection of 160

locally found artifacts from the

Cambridge Wall’ and learn about

the three eras - Prehistoric, Roman

and Medieval - that they came

from. The app also allows users

to peel back the layers of

archaeology of the Cambridge

region and locate the areas that

each object was found. It is hoped

that this interactive application,

which is currently being trialed on

iPads in the museum, will increase

visitor interest and eventually

become a personal downloadable


Cambridge wins


research award

The Government has made

Cambridge an “Academic Centre

of Excellence in Cyber Security

Research” (ACE-CSR). Cyber-

Security is about protecting activity,

assets and services on digital devices

and networks from unauthorized

interference or attack and involves

anything from improving chipand-pin

technology, to securing

government computer networks

against hostile attacks from

foreign countries or criminal

organisations. Faculty member Dr

Frank Stajano, head of the

Cambridge ACE-CSR, said: “We

are committed to researching longterm

solutions to the fundamental

cybersecurity problems that will

affect the society of tomorrow.”

Flashers strike again: Cambridge students warned

Maddy Bell

Deputy News Editor

Cambridge students are being

warned to “be vigilant” when out in

Cambridge after a series of events

have triggered police investigations

in a number of locations around the


Most recently, Murray Edwards

College reminded students to take

safety precautions when out in the

streets after a student was assaulted

outside of Patisserie Valerie on

Bridge Street at 1am on 5th June.

Police were said to be searching for a

young white man in his early twenties

with dark spiked hair and dark eyes.

In late May, Porters at Peterhouse

College witnessed a man indecently

exposing himself to a girl on

Trumpington Street, and raised the

alarm with the police. The man was

subsequently arrested, at 2.45pm on

the 21st of May on Trumpington

Street. Whilst the Porters themselves

CUSU takes on welfare support systems

Vidya Diwakar

News Reporter

Following accusations that

University tutors cope insufficiently

with students’ emotional needs,

Cambridge University Students’

Union (CUSU) recently launched

a welfare campaign in an effort to

confront inadequacies in dealing

with mental health.


would rather you

drop out than

get a bad grade”

The aim of the campaign is to

raise awareness of the prevalence of

mental health issues and the services

currently offered to help students

deal with these, and to de-stigmatise

mental health itself.

Current initiatives undertaken

by the campaign include a petition

to demonstrate the prevalence of

the issues, conducting talks and

distributing leaflets about mental

health, and pushing forward to

include mental health talks during

fresher’s week.

Chris Page, CUSU/GU welfare and

rights officer, said, “CUSU actively

campaigns for the continuing

improvement of student support in

Cambridge. We are particularly keen

to see more formal training offered to

tutors, who support students but are

not student support professionals.”

Indeed, provision of mental health

services appears to be lacking across

the university, leading to many

having to degrade or cope with

their health concerns in silence.

One undergraduate student from

Cambridge was left with no other

choice but to degrade due to an

eating disorder and depression.

“I got the impression that

Cambridge would rather you degrade

and come back and do well, or drop

out completely than get a bad grade,”

she said.

The university offered her little

support. Available appointments for

counseling were scarce. When the

student met with her Director of

Studies, “[leaving] was always first

thing he suggested.” Without proper

care or attention, the problem got

so severe that the student had to

eventually take a year off from her


When asked what measures she

believes should be taken to deal with

mental health issues, the student

responded that more support from

Director of Studies would be an

initial step. She added, “I felt very

strongly that my DoS’s only concern

was my academic welfare.”

Does Oxbridge admission depend on where you live?

Adam Clark

Deputy News Editor

New questions have been raised

about the success of Oxbridge’s

outreach in admissions after a

Freedom of Information request

showed the domination of certain

parts of the UK in admissions.

Headline figures included Surrey

sending almost as many students

to Oxbridge as Wales and the

north-east of England combined

– despite having only 868



average: 2.5


admissions per

1,000 16-17

year olds

compared to 1,187 from Wales and

the North-East.

Three areas of London –

were unable to provide comment

because of the criminal proceedings

taking place, Cambridgeshire

Constabulary confirmed that: “A

man was arrested in connection with

the reported indecent exposure in

Trumpington Street on May 21 and

has since been charged.”

Students told to

“remain vigilant”

when outside of

college at night

The man has been identified as

Thomas Calverhouse, aged 38, of

Birdwood Road, Cambridge, and

has been charged with a public order

offence (using threatening words

of behaviour to cause harassment,

alarm or distress). He appeared

before Cambridge magistrates on

June 4, and has been released on

conditional bail until his trial at

Kensington and Chelsea,

Richmond upon Thames and

the City of London – sent

more than 25 students to

Oxbridge per 1,000 16-17 year

olds in those area, compared

to a national average of 2.5

Oxbridge admissions per 1,000 16-

Three London

areas sent

more than

25 students

per 1,000 to


17 year olds.

In general the figures showed

the dominance of the Oxford-

Cambridge-London triangle

in Oxbridge offers, with only

the Trafford borough of Manchester

achieving an offer rate of

above 6 per 1,000 16-17 year olds

outside the south.

Cambridge Magistrates Court on

16th July.

Various other cases were also

registered amongst the university

community and across the city last

year. On May 24th, a woman in the

Romsey area of Cambridge called

the police at 1.30am after seeing a

man exposing himself to her through

the patio doors from her garden. In

March 2012, Christopher Brunning,

“I felt my DoS’s

only concern was

my academic


Mike Nicholson, director of

admissions and outreach at Oxford

argued the figures represented

deep socio-economic disparities

that cannot be addressed by the

universities alone, saying: “This

is something every part of society

needs to work together to address,

going right down to early years


Professor Les Ebdon, of the Office

for Fair Access to Higher Education

(Offa) added that the universities

faced problems of being national

rather than local recruiters. “Most

post-1992 universities recruit

most of their students from a 50-

mile radius. That’s a lot easier to

cover than if you are a national

recruiter”. Cambridgeshire and

Oxfordshire both have higher

Oxbridge offer rates than the

national average at 9.57 and 10.56

offers per 1,000 16-17 year olds


However the publication of the

figures has renewed calls from

those in areas with noticeably

low Oxbridge admission rates

62, was ordered to pay nearly £2,000

for exposing himself to a woman and

two young children whilst driving

along in his car.

While no links have been

drawn between the cases, they

constitute strong warnings to

students that it remains necessary

to remain cautious on the streets of


for a “level playing field”. Simon

Hackett, head of children’s services

in Sandwell, Birmingham, said the

figures showed a “long-standing

problem”, which recurred every

year. Sandwell has the seventhlowest

Oxbridge offer rate of any

local authority area in England and


Data was combined from

“This is

something every

part of society

needs to work

together to


the 2012 application cycle and

the 2011 census data of numbers

of 16-17 year olds, with the

assumption that this age group

would form the majority of those

applying in the 2012 cycle.

James Bowe


10 International Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


Palestinian envoy

accuses Israel of

“ethnic cleansing”

in TCS exclusive

Speaking exclusively to The

Cambridge Student on May

8 2013, Professor Hassassian,

the Palestinian Ambassador to

the UK, claimed that Israel was

involved in an ethnic cleansing

process in the Occupied West Bank

Territories. His comments came

after an address at the Cambridge

Union in which he called on the

West to adopt a tougher stance

against what he saw as violations of

international law. His words came

in the context of the vote at the

United Nations to grant Palestine

Observer Status last November,

to which he alluded several times.

That motion passed the General

Assembly with 138 countries in

favour and 9 against (including the

United States, Canada, Israel and

the Czech Republic). In Professor

Hassassian’s words: “Israel is

on the way to becoming a fully

fledged apartheid state…an ethnic

cleansing process is fully underway.”

TCS: Is there a potential solution

to the question of a Palestinian


PH: Yes. Everybody knows

what it is. [He refers to a creation

along pre-June 1967 borders, lines

drawn up before a war which

facilitated Israel’s expansion into

UN-affirmed Palestinian territory].

If it’s so obvious, why hasn’t that

been implemented then?

Because Israel doesn’t

want to implement it.

There were riots throughout the

West Bank last year in the context

of the November assault on Gaza.

Is there anything that can be done

to maintain order? [The West Bank

is currently divided by an Israelibuilt

wall, 700 km long and up to

10 km inside Palestine territory

based on the 1948 armistice line,

which the UN has affirmed as the

legal border of a Palestinian state.

Around 300,000 Israeli settlers live

in enclaves throughout Palestinian

territory, on both sides of the wall.]

In terms of economic

improvement, Israel could give

us a chance by removing some

of its restrictions upon our trade

relations with the Arab world and

Europe. I think that would help

us maintain a better standard of

living for the Arab people. I think

the idea of armed struggle, or

violence, or terrorism or what have

you, is no longer a valid option for

the Palestinian people. We need to

let the world know exactly what

is happening on the ground by

resorting to peaceful resistance.

That means civil disobedience,

going to demonstrations, like you

saw in the last two or three years

in Berlin before the wall came

down. Resorting to violence is

political suicide. That’s why we’ve

been very strict on our security

in the West Bank. But, you know,

you can’t control every single

individual. Sometimes you have

mishaps, say, a settler being killed

or a settler killing Palestinians.

Mostly the settlers are the

gunners, taking the law into their

own hands. Plus, they’re being

supported by the IDF, who watch

them kill and pillage. Nothing is

being done about it. That’s why

we’re begging the international

community to intervene.

Obama has been seen by some

as having gone further than any

previous American President in

his support of Israeli policy. Take

the case of the E1 zone, in which

Israel announced settlement

construction last year. No previous

U.S. President had allowed that.

[Israeli control over this zone

completes the circle of settlements

around Jerusalem, cutting off

the city’s 200,000 Palestinians

from the rest of the West Bank].

Why is Tel Aviv getting such

a free reign under President

Obama’s administration?

President Obama is constricted

in terms of his political power.

The chief executive of the United

States does not have total control.

Congress controls all policies,

including foreign. The President’s

hands are tied by the neocons, by

the Republicans, by the lobbyist

groups like AIPAC (the American

Israeli Public Affairs Committee).

So he won’t do anything to

jeopardise relations with Israel.

It’s always Palestinians who have

to make concessions. It’s always

the underdog being pressured, not

the top-dog. They keep asking for

more and more, at the expense of

the two-state solution. I think it’s

a way of managing the occupation.

And America should have the

guts to confront them. You know,

Israel is diplomatically isolated.

But they couldn’t care less.

As long as the US is behind

them, who cares about isolation?

Israel can just keep on boasting

that they’re the only democratic

country in the region, next to

all these Arab mongrels and

crackpot fundamentalists who

want to throw them into the sea.

They use the same old tactics.

Don’t you think the vote in the

United Nations is a wake-up

call? What the United States is

doing is totally against the will

of the International Community.

Interviewer: Ben Bayley

Turkey’s polarising protests

George Dickinson

International Reporter

Taksim Square, together with Gezi Park,

is more than twice the size of Cairo’s

Tahrir Square. In the last two weeks,

against the backdrop of police brutality,

both have been filled to capacity. These

protests are the unveiling of a rising dissatisfaction

with Recep Tayyip Erdogan,

Turkey’s polarising prime minister.

Erdogan is not an inevitable part of the

Turkish political landscape, like Bashar

al-Assad in Syria or Hosni Mubarak

was in Egypt, but his recent behaviour

suggests that he is nursing aspirations to

become so. Since taking power in 2002,

the judiciary, armed forces, and media

have been in thrall to him. The government

controls the appointment of judges,

almost all serving admirals are in prison,

and press bosses sack critical journalists

in order to avoid losing government

contracts. After Erdogan stands down

as prime minister in 2015, he is wellknown

to be considering a run for the

presidency. He has already suggested new

legislation to empower the position with

the right to dissolve Parliament and to appoint

the new cabinet.

This narrative of a long-planned transformation

from democratic harbinger

to autocratic strongman has been lent

credibility by Erdogan’s description of the

protests. It is not his refusal to acknowledge

the political reality of the protesters’

claims that is particularly worrying,

but his refusal to acknowledge that they

are politically-minded at all. By implying

that a threat to him is a threat to all

of Turkey, he belies a view that his preservation

is a fundamental part of the state’s

success. It was left to the president to say

that in a democracy every citizen’s view

demanded respect, and to his deputy to

acknowledge that the police had used excessive


At the same time, the protesters are a

Hassan Rouhani, the moderate cleric

candidate and former nuclear negotiator,

has been elected the 11th president of

the Islamic Republic of Iran. In the

face of tough economic and political

sanctions imposed by the United States

and the European Union, last week the

country elected a new leader. From over

600 registered candidates a final eight

men were approved as politically and

religiously fit to stand by the countries

conservative body, the guardian council.

With sanctions blamed for the

countries double digit inflation and sliding

currency, foreign policy and engagement

with the West was the number one

agenda in the run up to the election,

with the top candidates including two

nuclear negotiators, one former foreign

minister and Tehran Mayor and former

police chief Mohammad Bagher Qalibaf.

From the outset the conservatives

were divided. The hardliner right

backing the current nuclear negotiator

Saeed Jalili, and the remaining

conservative candidates each claiming

to have a strong group of followers,

the reformist camp took advantage of

the divided conservatives and united

disparate bunch. Some are the original

environmentalists, some are secularists

perceiving creeping Islamification,

some are worried about Turkey’s foreign

policy towards Syria, and some are simply

frustrated by the attention given to

vainglorious infrastructure projects to

the detriment of a lagging labour market.

Erdogan’s attitude, however, risks uniting

these groups under a common purpose.

In addition to police tactics that included

firing teargas canisters directly at activists,

he has threatened to unleash the national

spy agency against protesters, to mobilise

one million of his own supporters against

an opposition party, and to ‘cleanse’ Taksim

Square. A survey of 3000 activists

revealed that 91% felt that the police’s

disproportionate use of force against the

original environmentalists was influential

in persuading them to attend the protests.

The people of the country feel like

they are living through unrealised

political potential. Turkey has had a

democratically elected government for

decades. Since Erdogan became prime

minister in 2001, Gross Domestic Product

per capita has increased by a factor

of three, Foreign Direct Investment by

more than six, and exports by nearly ten.

Moderate Rouhani

wins Iran elections

Hassan Darian

International Reporter

behind their candidate Hassan Rouhani.

With no clear winner evident, and

the conservative vote split between

4 candidates, the election was posed

for a second round. However, last

minute backing from popular former

presidents significantly boosted

Rouhani’s campaign and overall chances.

Lawyer, politician and diplomat,

Hassan Rouhani was educated in judicial

law in the 1970s at the old Glasgow

Polytechnic (now Glasgow Caledonian

University), returning in the 1990s to

undertake a law doctorate. Rouhani

came to prominence in 2003 as Iran’s

nuclear negotiator with the EU big three

– Britain, France and Germany – helping

to negotiate the Saadabad declaration

which subsequently saw Iran voluntarily

suspend uranium enrichment, avoiding

further escalation of accusations

and easing western pressure.

As news that Rouhani had achieved

just over 50% of the electoral vote

was announced, spontaneous street

celebrations broke out across Iran. Hope

and prospects for national reconciliation

are currently at a high, but it remains to

be seen if Rouhani’s victory can really

bring about significant change and a

transformation in Iran’s troubled relations

with the international community.

Turkey’s 21st century expectations have

been refined. Since 1960, Turkey has had

three military coups, street battles left

and right that claimed 5,000 lives in less

than a decade, and a Kurdish insurgency

that has killed 45,000. But now Turks

care about their environment: about

trees in municipal parks, about canals

to the Black Sea, and about bridges over

the Bosphorus. Their political expectations

have become equally sophisticated.

Whilst their leaders govern with the

permission of a majority, other democratic

rights like equality before the law

and freedom of and from religion are

not respected. One Cambridge student

from Turkey remarked that these protests

“simply revealed the nastier sides of

Erdogan’s government, which all along

underlay his democratic bravado.”

Turkey’s future depends on a balancing

act between consolidating enough

of an opposition to univocally depose

Erdogan at the polls in 2015, and preventing

the formation of an urgent, unpredictable

protest movement without

the patience to wait until election day.

At present, Erdogan’s metamorphosis

from democrat to sultan is running

away from him.



At least 19 people have now died in

floods which have swept across Central

Europe. The Elbe, the Danube and

other rivers overflowed their banks

following weeks of heavy rain. Some

23,000 people were forced to leave their

homes when a dam burst on the floodswollen

River Elbe.

Damage from the past weeks’

flooding is expected to lead to insurance

claims of up to 2.5bn pounds, according

to the credit rating agency Fitch Ratings.

Chancellor Angela Merkel visited the

Bavarian city of Passau on the border

with the Czech Republic, where she

declared that 8 billion euros in aid

would be provided by the federal state

and regional administrations in order

to reconstruct parts of the country

submerged under water. The amount of

aid now is thus greater than following

the “floods of the century” of 2002 in

Germany – which cost 6.5 billion euros.

The effect on the environment has

also been noteworthy. Worst hit are

rabbits and beavers, drowned by the

waters. In some parts of Bavaria more

than 70 per cent of new born storks

have died from hypothermia according

to the Bavarian Federation for the

Protection of Birds. But the floods

have not been bad news for all animals.

Midges and other flying animals have

grown in number, and so too the

adult storks able to feed on them, their

competitors having been decimated.

Daniel Rowe

International Editor


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12 Comment

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


May Week: In defence of the Daily Mail

Jeremy Wikeley suggests that the press interest in

May Week is not as unjustified as it might seem.

On Friday afternoon I spent a lovely

couple of hours in a carefully

maintained little garden eating

large amounts of strawberries doused in

cream, drinking champagne and talking,

for the large part, about cricket.

At the time of writing I am about

to do something very similar.

The experience will no doubt repeat

itself through the coming week, the monotony

only broken by an entire night

running through medieval cloisters in

black tie. There is nothing scurrilous

about either of these activities. But they

could hardly be considered normal.

Cambridge students often act indignant

at the press attention that

May Week receives. ‘We’re just like

any other students! This is just like any

other university! Go pick on someplace

else.’ This is special pleading.

That Cambridge University is not an

entirely normal institution is apparent

throughout the year: the workload, the

calibre of the teaching, the traditions, the

social profile of students, and the huge

litany of extra-curricular organizations

all speak to a very particular divergence

from the norm. May Week squeezes the

weirdest of these quirks into seven days

of supreme oddity. Garden Parties and

May Balls: after one week of intense

exposure these become almost natural

- but speak to anyone who’s experiencing

them for the first time and you

will be sure to get a different response.

A very tiny proportion of UK’s student

age population is naturally comfortable

drinking Pimms in the company

of legions of garish blazers, or quaffing

oysters in evening wear. Of course these

activities, and the extremes of behaviour

that a select few choose to concurrently

indulge in, do not represent Cambridge

students as an entire body. But nevertheless

May Week, however one personally

chooses to spend it, is an important part

of most peoples’ time at Cambridge.

May Week

can hardly be



Besides, life at Cambridge is rather totalizing

- you very quickly become blasé

about the strangest of things. This creates

the feeling that we are being picked

Chris Huang

on unnecessarily. And the university’s

much maligned social profile means that

many Cambridge students are entirely

comfortable with dos like Garden Parties

and May Balls, before they even arrive.

If someome has been habitually attending

lavish celebrations their entire

life, even events a twentieth as spectacular

or traditional as this week’s,

the suggestion that they are involved

in something that others might consider

peculiar is very hard to fathom.

Let me explain my point by means of a

personal confession: if I am ever involved

in a conversation about the experience

of applying to Cambridge, I have to engage

in a serious amount of privilegechecking.

An older sibling of mine was

an undergrad here while I was a teenager,

and several other close family members

had attended Oxbridge in the past.

So by the time I came to make

my application, the whole place

had been entirely normalized.

The idea of going to Cambridge excited

me, the interviews worried me.

But I was never once under the impression

that this place wasn’t for

people like me. Quite the opposite.

This leads me to fear that I will never

really be able to properly see things from

the perspective of those, both here and in

the public at large, who find Cambridge

alien and intimidating. Arguably, a similar

empathetic myopia is involved when

we respond to the press’s interest in what

we get up to. We are unable to understand

what the fuss is all about. This, of course,

does not mean that there is no fuss at all.

There is no secret plan to sabotage the

university’s reputation; the Daily Mail is

not driven by reverse snobbery. Rather,

Cambridge’s very real peculiarities mean

that any fun had in public instantly

becomes newsworthy. This interest is

not likely to wane anytime soon, however

much we would like the press to be

more responsible in how they present

the university to potential applicants.

Because Cambridge is different.

The vast majority of that difference is to

our advantage. May Week is one huge social

gathering organized by a wide variety

of vibrant cultural organizations; sporting

societies, musical and theatrical societies,

the Union. This year was even witness to

the first ever Poetry Garden Party, complete

with readings and a book swap.

And in this sense May Week is a

wonderful advertisement for what the

university and the collegiate system has

to offer. Perhaps we should concentrate

on showing the world our best side,

rather than worrying when the papers

inevitably set out to catch our worst.

My vision for CUSU

next year:

Flick Osborne

Happy May Week


Congratulations on

making it to the end of exams.

It’s the end of a long year so I’ll

keep this short and sweet! I’d

like to outline the plans and

priorities for CUSU next year.

By necessity, these plans are

flexible. It is essential that CUSU

is communicative and responsive

to both your needs and the

changeable political environment.

While we’re adaptable, there are

also some internal and external

campaigns which will be a

central focus of the team’s efforts.

Our internal campaigns will

work towards advancing the

excellent work of the Living

Wage Campaign across colleges,

building on Jesus and Homerton

Colleges’ success. We will also

investigate hidden costs between

colleges, hopefully establishing

more parity across the University.

A third internal focus will be

lobbying the University for a

block grant. This will go toward

improving CUSU’s services

provided directly to you.

I would also love to see even

more growth and development

in the Welfare and Women’s

Officers brilliant work. We’ll

continue campaigning and

improving services for disabled

students and student parents,

and we’ll keep drawing attention

to issues about domestic

violence, rape and sexism.

The aim is to

bring CUSU to

you , uniting the

student body and

making CUSU

more accessible.”

Our external campaigns give

students a strong, assertive

position on the political stage.

It’s so important that Cambridge

students have an inter-collegiate,

united voice for campaigning on

big issues which affect students

both within our University

and all over the country.

This year, our Access campaigns

will continue to grow – we’re

currently the only university

in the country with a fulltime

Access sabbatical officer.

That gives us the opportunity

to expand the Shadowing

Scheme and to make the Target

Schools Scheme more effective

both for you and for schools.

We will continue to stand

against the abolition of AS Levels,

following the hugely successful

petition which Vicky Hudson ran

this year. The team will scrutinise

government policy and campaign

for student rights on both local

and national political levels.

Besides that, we will of course

aim to improve CUSU’s services

which reach you directly. I will

use the Common Room and

Membership Engagement team

and the JCR Presidents and

External Officers network to

communicate better with your

JCRs and the wider student body.

The aim is to bring CUSU to

you, uniting the student body,

extending our campaigns and

reshaping CUSU structure

wherever possible to make it more

accessible and communicative.

I’m thrilled to be involved

with CUSU next year and to be

representing and working for you

as Cambridge students. If you’ve

got any questions, feedback or

suggestions about CUSU you

can contact me via email, or

through the CUSU website.



04:00 Finish dissertation

(First Class!)

09:00 Print and bind my dissertation

at Mail Boxes Etc

23 King Street

T:01223 361601


**Ask Mail Boxes about shipping

my stuff home - Kate says

they ship worldwide and if I

mention her name they’ll

give me 10% off

Hand in Dissertation

(Job done)

16:01 Time to celebrate!!


(Party at Kate’s)

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013


Comment 13

New mosque will be a stunning piece of design

Cambrige’s new ‘super-mosque’ promises inspiring architecture

that assimilates, rather than rejects, its surrounding influences,

says Adam Thelwall.

This city has a troubled religious

history, but a colourful

architectural one. So when the

Mawson Road Mosque began exceeding

its capacity (leaving locals praying

on the street), the Cambridge

Mosque Project stepped in with a suitably

ambitious plan for a new ‘supermosque’

on an old brownfield site.

This was the natural step forward;

however there has been a notable

backlash from an anti-Islamist

platform, especially the EDL, with

the main (stated) reservation being

predicted congestion problems.

This new mosque, however, actually

fits right into Cambridge’s long

architectural tradition, and promises,

from the building’s newly-revealed

designs, at least, to be a positive addition

to the city and its culture.

A quick internet search directs

you to a stunning animated video of

what the mosque will look like: a line

of trees running up to a two-story

porch supported by great wooden

columns, which branch and fan out

into a knotted wooden canopy. This

impressive naturalistic style is continued

into the prayer room, topped with

a small but traditional golden dome.

This is in addition to its practical

benefits: the new ‘eco’ building is hoped

to include teaching and research facilities,

a library and even a restaurant,

which certainly plays to the strengths

of an international research city.

As an example, trees have deep

roots in Cantabrian architecture -

take the foliage-topped Corinthian

columns which grace Pembroke

chapel and the Fitzwilliam Museum.

The city’s Modernist mid-20th

century architecture which also attempts

to mimic trees, this time

in straight concrete supports.

All are very much in the same vein

of bringing nature to man-made structures,

and nowhere have I seen such

a bold and vivid semblance to this

as in the plans for the new mosque.

Furthermore, it soon becomes apparent

that the mosque’s design assimilates

rather than rejects its surrounding

cultures, particularly in its

Western influences. The prayer room

walls are white and are missing the

colourful mosaics of eastern Islamic

Cambridge Mosque Project

architecture. The knotted wooden

ceiling (that mimics the ceiling of an

orchard so well) ends up looking very

much like the ribbed vaulting seen

in traditional gothic architecture.

Something the mosque will have in

common with King’s College Chapel.

This is one of the many reasons why

the EDL’s protests against the mosque

seem absurd, even ridiculous. Their

argument that Islamic assimilation

is not taking place does not translate

architecturally. This is not to suggest

that the mosque necessarily should

emulate the architecture around it,

but the fact that it does shows just how

insubstantial the EDL’s opposition is.

The building seems to be a stunning

and well-balanced Western-Islamic

piece, which nestles quietly into its surroundings.

Half of the building faces

Mecca and half of it follows the lines of

the road on which is sits. By contrast,

King’s College Chapel is a towering

gothic structure that sits, very proud

and conspicuous, on the parade. I

know which I find more intimidating.

In fact, gothic architecture is said

to have been initially inspired by

Eastern and Islamic designs. With

this in mind one could even argue

that the city would be incomplete

without a mosque – since Islamic

and Easter architecture has provided

an important influence to some of

the old gothic parts of Cambridge.

But although the council rejected

claims that the dome is “needlessly

provocative”, campaigners and vandals

alike have continued to protest

the construction on political grounds.

In reality, the biggest barrier still

left is a financial one: with millions

of pounds left to raise (the total cost

of the project will be £17.5 million),

the Cambridge Mosque Project is

still asking for small donations by

text to raise the money, ‘brick by

brick’. Each brick is £1.40 by the way.

But I say, watch the designer’s

video. The plans are a new and interesting

development for Cambridge,

and suggest that the institution

will fit into, embrace, and contribute

positively to the city as a whole,

whilst allowing us all to celebrate

the fact that Cambridge continues

to attract such exciting architecture.

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Escaping and Exploring - the TCS Travel Guide

ventures beyond the bubble


TCS gives you the definitive ratings for parties at

Trinity, St John’s, Wyverns’ and more


The Grand Tour - TCS explores some of

Europe’s artistic curiosities


Trimmed Down Fringe - the TCS guide to the

best Cambridge shows at the Edinburgh festival


Alt-J drummer Thom Green takes time out before

the band’s Cambridge gig to chat with Sophie Luo


Zoah Hedges-Stocks samples Loch Fyne








PUZZLES p28-29

16 Travel {MISC.} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


by Rachel Smith


There’s more to Ely than the

Cathedral, but that’s a good place to

start. There is an admission charge

but not if you attend a service: choral

evensong in the late afternoon

is great for music lovers. The

exceptional examples of Victorian

stained glass and the view from the

West Tower are not to be missed.

Most famous of all is the Lantern

Tower, a medieval artwork in glass

and wood which dazzles visitors

with its intricacy and ingenuity.

History buffs will enjoy a trip to

the Ely Museum in the Bishop’s

Gaol where, for a small fee, you’ll

be privy to the story of Ely and

the surrounding Fens. Oliver

Cromwell’s House is another must

and if you want to see both the

Museum and the House it’s cheaper

to buy a joint ticket.

Ely’s High Street boasts many of

the same chain shops that you’d find

in larger towns but nestled amongst

the hubbub is Toppings, a delightful

three-storey bookshop crammed

with lovingly wrapped tomes of all

varieties. Toppings has a packed

schedule of author talks so even if

you miss the event itself the displays

are full of signed editions. You can

even ask for a cup of tea from the

counter on the second floor and pull

up a chair in amongst the stacks.

If you fancy a bite to eat, try the

Prince Albert, which serves good

pub grub with a rotating selection

of cask ales. But be warned, there’s

no food on Saturday evenings or all

day on Sunday. For a river view, try

The Boathouse Restaurant where

£10 will get you a hearty meal, or

The Cutter Inn where there’s an

evening special and plenty of meat.

Everyone’s talking about Poets

House, a swanky new fine-dining

option where the seasonal menus

include whipped goat’s cheese served

with gingerbread and beetroot jelly.

Side of purple-sprouting broccoli

with toasted almonds anyone?

What you’ll really want, however,

is afternoon tea with scones and

the only place to go is Peacocks.

This flourishing tearoom is based

in the downstairs of a family home,

and it’s maintained a cosy - if kitsch

- charm. They claim to offer the

widest range of tea in the world,

from a Builders’ brew to a Sherlock

Holmes (a pungent combination of

Earl Grey and Lapsang Souchong).

It can get busy, especially on sunny

weekends, so if you can’t get a

table try Tea for Two, Ye Olde Tea

Shoppe, or the Refectory Cafe in the

Cathedral instead.

Ely is a mere 15 minutes on the

train journey Cambridge Station

and you’ll have change from a fiver

if you use your railcard to buy a

day return. If you’re feeling more

adventurous, it’s a 20 mile cycle on

flat terrain which takes you right

past Wicken Fen National Nature

Reserve. Or Ely’s a great place to

take the parents when they come to

collect you at the end of term, with

the added bonus that they can drive

you there.

Ely celebrates its namesake each

year in late April or early May

with an Eel Day Festival. There

are eel processions, eel tastings,

eel displays, eel-basket weaving

demonstrations and the World Eel

Throwing Competition. This year

the Illuminated Boat Parade was

cancelled due to bad weather, but the

annual Town Crier’s Competition

bravely went ahead as planned. And

did I mention there’s an eel conga?

If you’ve missed the festival, don’t

panic. The slippery local delicacies

can still be sampled at the fortnightly

Farmers Market, or often appear on

the menu the Lamb Hotel. You can

also download the ‘Eel Trail’ map,

or pick up a copy in the Tourist

Information Centre (located at

Oliver Cromwell’s House). 70 brass

markers guide you around Ely’s

Heritage sites, which are punctuated

by five public artworks portraying

the life of an eel. Yes, r-eel-y.


t’s May Week. You’re free, you’re happy, you want to

evening. Luckily, the Cambridgeshire countryside s

picturesque villages only a punt or cycle-ride away.

into the wilderness, with no thought of personal safety,

a day out. Expect scones, tea

Les Goodey LRPS


by Diane Esson

For the navigationally challenged,

the guided busway linking

Cambridge to St. Ives is a godsend.

It is IMPOSSIBLE to get lost. And

I say this as an experienced “thisis-not-the-way”-ward

traveller. If

you have yet to see the pedestrian

path hugging the guided busway,

it is a wide and wonderfully

smooth stretch of tarmac that runs

practically uninterrupted between

Cambridge and St. Ives.

It took an hour of leisurely cycling

to reach St. Ives, a timeframe I very

much appreciated after having a

minor heart attack the day before.

(As it transpires, there’s a town

in Cornwall – “CORNWALL?!”

– that pops up on Google Maps

when one casually enters ‘St.

Ives’. Fortunately, England

had the good sense to put

another St. Ives a mere

15 miles northwest of

Cambridge, making my

promise to TCS to cycle

there and report back by

the end of the month a

much more achievable


Arriving in Market

Square, I was greeted by

a brilliant hodgepodge of merchant

stalls boasting fabrics, baked

goods, cheeses, meats, hoovers,

dog treats, plants, jewellery, and

even an impressive display of

enormous knickers and related

undergarments. The market has

been going strong since AD 1200

(ascertained by carbon-dating

the pantaloons) and I am

proud to say I did my part

to preserve this wonderful

tradition of local trade.

Grabbing a map from

the Corn Exchange (c.

1864), I made my way to

the bridge chapel (one of

only three in England!),

retraced my steps to

the Manor house (c. 1600

and now home to a

waterfront café)

and pottered

along the River

Ouse to the old

parish church. In

addition to a unique

claim to fame (Oliver

Cromwell worshipped

here in the 1630’s), the

parish church is noted

for its cream tea on

Sundays, served 3-5pm.

In this I’d have eagerly

taken part, had it not been

10am. And Monday. Such is


Instead, I spent most of my time

goggling over glass cases in the

Norris Museum. I delighted most

in the petrified mammoth tooth

(it’s bigger than my face!) and

the history of ice-skating

on the Fens. I also

realised I had turned

into my mother after

spending a full ten

minutes in awe of

the region’s famed

lace-making pillow.



Cambridgeshire, was

home to Woolly

Mammoths, Oliver

Cromwell and the

world’s first pocket calculator. It

is also a junction of old and new:

its local Priory once protected

the bones of Saint Ivo and now,

in an act of modernity, protects

recycle bins; similarly, in a fantastic

demonstration of irony, what was

once one of the country’s largest

cattle markets now serves as part

of the famed Monday market. It

really is a most delightful town. It

offers the perfect escape from the

Cambridge Bubble with a variety

of quaint, lazy-day activities and

a wealth of historical bits & bobs.

Arguably, the same might be said of

St. Ives, Cornwall. But thankfully, I

wouldn’t know.

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {MISC.} Travel 17



by Harry Dadswell

see the world and be back in time for your ball in the

eems to be tailor-made for just this kind of escape, its

TCS’s team of intrepid investigators have sallied forth

in our quest to bring you a guide to the best spots for

, and lashings of ginger beer.

Cambridge can sometimes be

a claustrophobic place. Perhaps

this is most noticeable in Easter

Term when libraries are stuffed

with stressed students, the streets

clogged with tourists upset that

all the colleges have been shut for

the exam season. On the hottest

days before sitting my Part One

in History I sometimes found the

pressure-cooker environment too

much to bear. Jumping on my bike I

would cycle as far out of Cambridge

as my legs would take me, before

sitting down to read a book on

Richard III or whatever it was that

I studied back then. Such was my

eagerness to escape that I never

planned my destinations. I would

inevitably find myself reading in

strange and lonely places, perched

on tree stumps surrounded by those

endless flat fields.

One of my regrets looking back is

that I didn’t know about the village

of Madingley as a place to escape

to. Grantchester was always

a place to be saved for the

drunken punting trips made

once exams were passed

and forgotten. Madingley

however has a peculiar

charm that is missing

in the Indianalike

dullness of

much of the


a r o u n d


For the best

approach to the village, one should

head out along Madingley Road and

take the first right down Cambridge

Road after crossing the M11.

You will pass a cemetery where

nearly four thousand American

servicemen killed in the Second

World War lie buried under rows

of crosses. Running along the back

is a wall enscribed with the names

of over five thousand missing

servicemen lost in the War of the

Atlantic or shot down on bombing

missions over Europe.

Continuing down Cambridge

Road, you will get the most

handsome angle on Madingley

when crossing the crest of a hill.

One is met with a lake, a parish

church and various cottages. The

dominant feature of this small

settlement however is Madingley

Hall, a seventeenth-century manor

whose most famous occupant was

a young Trinity undergraduate,

the future Edward VII. Queen

Victoria and Prince

Albert, eager that their youngest

son be given rigorous academic

training in preparation for his

future role, were nonetheless keen

that he had a suitably grand place

to live. Arriving in 1861, Edward

had recently shocked his parents by

calling on the services of an Irish

prostitute. Albert would write to

Edward of his disgust that he had

thrust himself into the hands of ‘one

of the most abject of the human

species, to be by her initiated into

the sacred mysteries of creation,

which ought to be shrouded in

holy awe’. For all his parents’ hopes

that Cambridge might reform him,

Edward would always be more of a

playboy than a scholar.

One might regret that this

manor is no longer in royal hands,

imagining the riotous weekend

parties that might be arranged

here with Prince Harry as its lord

(although most of us would never

get an invite). If its current function

as the University’s Institute of

Continuing Education might

seem humdrum, a walk through

the grounds of Madingley Hall

can still transport you back

to more regal times. So if any

o f you are gripped

by that desire to

escape, even just

for a couple of

hours, make sure

that Madingley is

your destination.


by India Rose Matharu-Daley

“eϊθε γενοίμην * … would I were /

In Grantchester, in Grantchester!”

Rupert Brooke wrote “The Old

Vicarage, Grantchester”, his ode

to the little village just south of

Cambridge, in 1912. He had taken

up residence there, at Orchard

House, in 1909 to escape the

anxieties of life at King’s College –

“for Cambridge people rarely smile,

/ Being urban, squat, and packed

with guile”, or so the poem goes.

In Grantchester, during the heady

summer before the First World War,

Brooke created a bucolic, bohemian

idyll. “I live on honey, eggs and milk,

prepared for me by an old lady like

an apple (especially in the face) and

sit all day in a rose garden to work,”

he wrote in a letter to his sweetheart

Noel Olivier. Brooke gathered

around him the “Neo-Pagans”, a

cerebral set comprising writers

Virginia Woolf and E. M. Forster,

economist John Maynard Keynes

and philosophers Bertrand Russell

and Ludwig Wittgenstein, alongside

Augustus John, an eccentric painter

who lived in a nearby caravan with

two wives and five wild children. By

day the thinkers wandered barefoot

over the Grantchester Meadows and

by night they bathed naked in the

same pool as Lord Byron, another

Cantabrigian, had done a century


The February day we visited

Grantchester was bright but frosty,

so we did not fancy following

Brooke’s example to a tee. Yet we

did continue another Grantchester

tradition pioneered by earlier

adventurous Tabs: afternoon tea

at the Orchard. Sat on deckchairs

under the web of bare, black apple

branches, we enjoyed gigantic,

jammy scones. Then a ploughman’s

lunch – crusty bread, cured ham,

slices of cheese, pickled onion, a

tart apple and tangy chutney – a

piquant, pastoral collation. It is, in

my indignant opinion, shaped in

defence of our Illustrious National

Cuisine against a barrage of derision

from abroad, unassuming and

marvellous, like most British food.

After our hour’s saunter down the

Grantchester Grind, as the 2.5 mile

route from Cambridge is known, we

almost deserved all that epicurean

fun. We began on the Backs and

traced the winding Cam down to the

Mill Pond and weir. Then the right

fork of the river, passing through

the 1920s suburbs and out onto the

Grantchester Meadows. From there

it was all fresh air, muddy boots and

green fields, stiles, cattle grids and

intermittent sunshine. Good for

the soul. Keen eyes will spot varied

birdlife along the way. In spring

there will be woodpeckers, warblers

and wrens in the willows, followed

by kingfishers darting from their

branches into the water later in the


Nevertheless, to arrive in

Grantchester in style is to arrive by

river. Brooke himself

commuted by canoe. In summer

students would punt down to

the Orchard for a breakfast of

champagne and strawberries after

their May Balls – a custom that

seems worth reviving! So does

wild swimming. The River Granta’s

deeper banks at Grantchester make

diving there far safer than leaping

off the Bridge of Sighs downstream.

In summer, then, we ought to

head south and make like Brooke

and Byron, if only to “lie / Day-long

and watch the Cambridge sky, /

And, flower-lulled in sleepy grass, /

Hear the cool lapse of hours pass, /

Until the centuries blend and blur /

In Grantchester, in Grantchester…”





18 Events {MISC.} Star ratings out of 3. rating out of 5 stars is, like, soo0 2010.

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


Clare May Ball: better than John’s? Such a claim may

be controversial, but there were just so many smiles,

so much patience in the queues, so many revellers

staying to the survivors’ photo: even the Daily Mail

splashed photos of Clare because Trinity wasn’t decadent

enough. Every inch of Clare’s delightful space was filled

with dodgems, crazy-golf or salsa lessons. Early-morning

punting offered a moment of tipsy dawn-lit serenity

only otherwise available at stuffier balls along the river.

There were at least five different music venues which featured a fantasy league of student

favourites, whilst the main stage hosted the Correspondents (captivating dancing

and costume), King Charles (captivating stage presence) and the Futureheads

(generally captivating). Clare showed they know their music by picking three headliners

who are a thousand times better live than you’d ever get from recordings.

The Committee chose a general theme which didn’t tie them down. A few baffling

elements suggested more ‘science fiction’ than ‘kaleidoscopic’; the hammocks

hung around bizarre tentacles reminiscent of the Sarlacc from Return of the Jedi.

Then there was the coloured food. Sure, it tasted great: my highlight was the veggie curry. But

the Committee felt the need to dye the crepes blue, the doughnuts green, the sparkling wine

bright yellow. Glow-in-the-dark cocktails are fun, but simpler fare should not look so

radioactive. Luckily it was too dark to see most of these colours until morning, at which

point the Committee were wise enough to provide naturally-coloured bacon butties.

Food & Drink:

** Entertainment:

*** Value for




It isn’t known as the 7th best

party in the World for nothing.

Even the weather stood

respectfully to attention for

the annual St. John’s College

May Ball, which hadn’t been

the case for Trinity the night

before. With a champagne reception

to greet guests, eight

of the nine courts that make

up the college were utilized,

even sprawling onto the luscious

backs where there were

dodgems, as well as the spectacular

fireworks display. Set to

music, the pyrotechnics really

proclaimed that the night had

begun as ball goers and those

in punts soaked in the fantastic

shower of lights, fire, smoke

and sound just before 11pm.

New Court held the main

‘Waiting all Night’ , ‘Not Giving

In’ and ‘Feel the Love’ were belted

out. Filled with energy, the

crowd were singing the songs

back at the band in a blissful

exchange of music and love.

The buttery was a chill out

zone where Ball-goers could

relax and unwind, whilst getting

their hair and nails done.

Across the Bridge of Sighs,

which was transformed into

a luminous hanging garden,

a disco tent took up third

court, whilst piping hot sausages

and mash were at the

ready for those with the munchies.

Second court hosted

the likes of all male accappella

group Over the Bridge who

rocked the evening whilst the

burger queue sprawled its way

stage where AlunaGeorge lazily around cocktail bars.

warmed up the crowd at midnight

with haunting vocals and

dynamic beats. As they gyrated

Forecourt hosted a spectacular

water feature, whilst crepes,

profiteroles and acoustic music

across the stage, the music got

Food & Drink:

everyone in the mood, whilst

the delicatessens of the court

included an open bar, a hog

Entertainment: ***

roast and skewered fruits. At

1am Rudimental exploded over

the speakers and the crowd really

got going as hits such as

Better than John’s, then? Admittedly my

view of the latter is skewed by the fact that

I spent half the night lugging rubbish bags

full of Pimm’s-logged cucumbers across the

Bridge of Sighs for a pittance wage. Still, Clare

was enough to give any other ball a run for

its money. It was tuxedo-twirlingly amazing,

an unrelentingly fun, magical night.

Ted Loveday


Value for



could be found in little marques,

and a cheese selection mixed

with classical music awaited

those who entered the Hall.

First Court welcomed acts such

as Cadenza, Simon Astell, paella

and the Churchill Casino.

As the night wore one, the beautiful

lighting fixtures just added

to the ambience and the morning

was ushered in with Bacon

Baps, croissants, coffee, and the

Gents singing before the long

awaited survivors photo. At St.

John’s they ball so hard cause

their shit be definitely crazy.

Justina Ogunseitan


Raising the curtain on May disco, Robinson’s range of ents was

Week 2013, Robinson pulled remarkable, but the headline acts

off an excellent value-formoney

May Ball. Nominally themed geon Detectives provided a good

were rather disappointing. The Pi-

around London’s Great Exhibition of nostalgia trip if you liked them when

1851, Robinson looked as good as you were sixteen. Other stages offered

a fun and eclectic mix of acts,

Robinson probably can. The Chinese

court was a particular highlight with though this was let down by a quiet

its elegant lighting and oriental entertainment.

on), and a comedy stage which was

silent disco (that’s with headphones

The workhorse of any ball – the rather hidden away.

food and drink – was varied and Some ‘meh’ ents were compensated

for by the sheer volume of things

plentiful. Alongside May Ball staples

of hog roast and burgers, Robinson to do. Dodgems, dancing lessons

provided noodles, a tasty sausage and mini-golf were enjoyable, and a

casserole, and a welcome, if unchallenging,

curry challenge, among oth-

to live out an inebriated version of

bouncy assault course allowed you

ers. While the quality was hit-andmiss,

and the breakfast reminiscent Ultimately, any flaws with the ball

your Total Wipeout fantasies.

of aeroplane food, a wide selection could only have been remedied by

meant there was something for everyone.

Crucially, drinks remained inson’s architectural homage to the

a higher ticket price, or less of Rob-

available with no queues until the Soviet Union. Robinson May Ball

end, to see ballgoers through a 5am more than delivered – a great way

Queen tribute band ostensibly led by to kick off this year’s May Week.

Freddie Mercury’s ageing uncle.

Michael Yoganayagam and

Featuring six stages and a silent

Matt Tyler

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 = You might as well be at Oxford {MISC.} Events 19




In the same year in which the Queen celebrated a


There is little doubt that this ball will live long

in the memory of those who attended it. With

spectacular fireworks, smashing acts, gorgeous

food and fantastic attractions, I came away a very happy

man, made even happier by the reluctance of the journos

on Trinity Street to take my picture. Wins all around.

The oysters were always going to be popular, and I

was one of the guests lucky enough to snaffle one; they

also brought the added enjoyment of watching people

ponder how to consume them. The joy of queue-jumping

allowed my partner and I to hotfoot it down to the

far end of the South Paddock as quickly as possible in

search of meat. It started well: the hog roast was brilliant,

made even better by effective distribution, while

the hot dogs were equally good, though the queue

was lengthy. The main food tent really pulled out the

stops, and our loaded plates were indicative both of the

quality and the quantity at hand. Plenty of seating and live acts –

ranging from samba to a cello quartet – ensured our enjoyment.

Onto the ents: Example, though starting slowly, really pulled it

together in the last 20 minutes, and when he wasn’t praising our

intelligence (oh, behave…!), got the whole crowd onside with

his hits. Cue much bellowing and stomping. Basshunter, too, entertained

us all with his call-and-echo songs, cheery banter and

bouncy music; although I have never seen anything as creepy as

him singing ‘All I Ever Wanted’ to the poor Ball President, culminating

in an attempted kiss. Needless to say, nobody was very

surprised when he was escorted out of the ball in the early hours...

The smaller acts were just as good: The Brass Funkeys, The

Midnight Feast, The King’s Men, and CUJO were all stars. Both

the dodgems and the chair-o-plane were great ideas, and not

even the long queues could discourage us from several rides.

The same cannot be said for the food: it seemed to be badly organised,

to say the least, with lengthy intermissions without food,

Food & Drink:

** Entertainment:

*** Value for



*** = top notch, ** = decent, *

or sometimes running out altogether.

Take note, next year’s committee:

don’t put ‘Late’ as a time

in your programme. It’s not specific,

and leads to disappointment.

Overall, though, a top night. Never

bored (though occasionally hungry),

this ball truly had everything.

Good luck beating this, St John’s.

Oli Thicknesse

landmark reign of 60 years, her namesake college

commemorated a different but nonetheless impressive

milestone: one hundred years of May Balls.

The nature of the occasion was considered so important

that the ‘centenary’ was chosen as the main

theme. Guests were treated to weekly email updates

from the ball committee with tantalising insights

into what lay in store, including the much-hyped appearance

by Bastille and the inclusion of Simon Amstell

as a last-minute, high-profile addition to the comedy stage. Another thoughtful touch

by the committee involved a tracking system, where ball-goers could trace their friends’

whereabouts with an interactive wristband and iPhone app, showing the many technological

advances that have taken place since the inaugural Queens’ ‘May Week Dance’ in 1913.

The celebration of a milestone anniversary suited the college particularly

well, with the Mathematical Bridge connecting the medieval side of Queens’

to the more modern Cripps Building. For the first time, the ‘Dark’ and ‘Light’ areas

of the college were also joined by the temporary Philosophical Bridge.

The quality of the food and entertainment on offer seemed to convince the majority of

guests that the event lived up to the lofty promises made by the committee. Oysters and champagne

jostled for space alongside paella and churros, macarons and Indian kulfi ice-cream.

Relief was also provided in the shape of The Boy with Tape on his Face, whose mime act

combined old-fashioned charm with unpredictable comedy. Bastille were the biggest crowdpullers

of the night, best remembered for the huge reaction received from their collaboration

with the college chapel choir on recently released singles.

Unlike the tired faces emerging from the ball after the survivors’

photo, Queens’ shows no signs of slowing down. Its welljudged

combination of high-quality and memorable entertain-

ment suggests that the college will continue to provide many

more years of balls that, as the record from 1913 states, only

one person has ever failed to enjoy, because he “was not there”.

Emily Handley


and Busted, all of which had the

Food & Drink:

crowd on their feet. But the entertainment

and nostalgia didn’t stop

*** Entertainment: there.

Much like a childhood dream,


ball-goers stood in the queue for

Value for

the Dodgems with candyfloss in


one hand, popcorn in the other

and a glass of adulthood in the


form of white wine balanced

With a red carpet laid out to welcome

guests and an impressive The Ball’s relatively smaller

somewhere in-between.

Hollywood-style ‘Homerton’ sign budget, though shown in there

providing a perfect photo opportunity,

the long and arduous ment than a more expensive May

being less variety in entertain-

trip to Homerton seemed worth Ball, did not hinder the evening.

it from the go. American flags Homerton ensured a number of

covered the grounds making it favourites were available, including

a chocolate fountain and even

impossible to forget the theme,

a theme which was very successfully

deployed from the roaring

twenties American Cabaret to a

Casino tucked away in the corner

and a Wild West Tavern with a

shooting arcade.

Even the music reflected the

theme with jazz on the Main

Stage and an emotional singsong

of ‘New York’ with DJ Tim in the

early hours of the morning.

A highlight of the evening was

Truly Medley Deeply. The band

attracted huge support in their

performance of songs described

as a ‘musical memory lane’ including

the Macarena, the Beach Boys

Food & Drink:





Value for


a Bucking Bronco on the ‘Hollywood

Lawn’, all in a triumphant

quest to make it impossible to

comprehend boredom in the land

of American Dreams.

A number of activities adhered

to a strict time limit which was a

shame when missed and the entertainment

closed down pretty

sharply before the Survivors’

Photo, but the general organisation

proved swift and efficient.

A range of musical acts, a hugely

successful theme and an informal

relaxed atmosphere, Homerton

proved that the lengthy journey

out was not something to complain


Yema Stowell

20 Events {MISC.}


Downing’s Eastern Odyssey

lived up to all expectations,

providing a well-thought

out and entertaining trip into the

Orient. Many of the typical ball elements

were to be found, both good

and bad - the former including fairground

rides, a chocolate fountain

and a silent disco, the latter a lack of

entertainment and food post-3AM.

The Eastern theme was followed

through effectively for the most

part. Areas included Japan, China,

Thailand, India and ‘Home

from Home’, and although each

was not particularly well-defined

Food & Drink:

** Entertainment:


Value for



there were many pleasant touches

and attention to detail to be found.

The Chill Out tent provided an essential

warm area to collapse and rest weary

feet, hundreds of origami swans surrounded

those battling to the sushi conveyor,

and there was constantly something

happening in the culture tent.

Indeed the entertainment was extensive,

beginning in the queue where

drummers, fire dancers and belly

dancers performed before excited (or

perhaps more impatient) ball-goers.

Live music was always to be found

in various locations, the fireworks

were a brilliant surprise and more

than held their own alongside the

more well-known displays elsewhere,

whilst the dodgems and waveswinger

were the usual crowd-pleasers.

Also available to while away some time

were a casino, arcade and spa providing

massages and foot treatments. A ‘water

screen’ onto which video and slightly

dubious pictures of ball-goers were

projected was an interesting, if slightly

incongruous, centrepiece to the ball.

Headliners Dog is Dead attracted a

reasonable crowd and their set was

well performed; each song was enjoyable

enough, despite having no notable

stand-outs. Next up were Toploader,

who as expected had quite the reverse

problem. The songs proceeding the one

we were all there to hear were average

at best, and although Dancing in the

Moonlight certainly sparked a great

response, it was not all that different

from the usual reaction it gets in Cindies;

the fact that Toploader were there

performing it made no real difference.

Was it worth the money? Two years

of May Balls down and I’m still not

truly convinced any of them are. But

Downing certainly didn’t make me feel

too hard done by for departing with so

much money. As we have come to expect,

the champagne flowed, the food

was varied and of good quality, and

perfectly manicured grounds provided

a grand setting. Downing went beyond

this, providing a coherent and enjoyable

theme, comfort, fun and surprises.

Jenni Reid


Jesus’s 2013 May Ball theme was

‘Dreamcatcher.’ My uneasy fears that

this might translate into some sort of

reappropriation of Native American culture

were assuaged after reading through

the program. Instead, the committee had

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}

Food & Drink:

Entertainment: ***


Value for



made each area into a particular ‘dream’ - either literal (nightmare, flying)

or metaphorical (love, fame.) For a country as multicultural as the

UK, the variety of cuisine outside of London is often woefully lacking, but

the Ball’s offerings spanned the globe - Moroccan meatballs, croque monsieurs,

falafel, pulled pork, and ostrich or kangaroo burgers. There was

even an authentic Caribbean goat curry, an unusual choice that was truly

fantastic. My vegetarian friend especially appreciated the plentiful meatfree

options. In terms of entertainment, the musical groups were strong,

but the smaller, non-musical offerings were somewhat lacking - massage

chairs replaced real masseuses, henna tattooists were squeezed into the

same room so that it was hard to do either, ‘UV Pong’ sounded promising

until it turned out just to be glow-in-the-dark ping pong. Other low points

included the poorly organized, overcrowded and poorly-microphoned

dawn ceilidh, and something called a ‘lightweight interactive multimedia

ball’ that projected grimacing photographs of ballgoers’ detached heads,

set to the discordant chords of wind chimes - an object that will haunt my

dreams for months. The large-scale ents tended to be better, such as the

impressive, almost professional-level casino in the dining hall, the light

show which transformed walls into 25-foot-tall rotating skulls or made

the windows appear to twist and shudder or open into a yawning chasm,

and the excellent silent disco. While I understand why my ticket cost as

much as it did, I felt the money could be better allocated in the future:

fewer splurges on unimportant details like table centerpieces and papiermâché

clouds; more money spent on offering multiple carnival rides

(which produce the best ‘return on investment’ of fun in my opinion) and

upgrading the small-scale non-musical entertainment. Meanwhile some

of the more run-of-the-mill food offerings could have been sacrificed to

enable more staffing on the two or three counters offering popular but

labor-intensive food items (thus avoiding the dreaded 45-minute wait for

an undercooked ostrich burger...)

Francie Neukom


The Cambridge Union Society Garden Party was as

sophisticated as it sounds. Tents were erected in the

beautiful Sidney Sussex gardens, housing champagne,

Pimm’s and cool gin and tonic. Women were dressed in elegant

summer dresses, men in refined suits. All were milling around,

sampling sweet scones while the smooth saxophone started another

jazz refrain. The garden party had all the ingredients of a

stereotypical English afternoon. Even the weather complied to

be typically miserable and overcast, which was a factor even the

best of garden party organisers could not rectify.

But as quaint as the garden party was, unfortunately this was

all there was to it. The entertainment lay solely in the hands of

the jazz musicians, who had to have a break at some points in

their three-hour performance, so there were often times when

there was literally no entertainment. There was also an apparent

lack of planning when it came to the weather; though it

thankfully did not rain, the grass was cold and damp, and a lack

of seating meant people had to risk grass stains for the sake of

being able to eat. The food was another issue. Of course the idea

of having boxes of food for each person to ensure everybody

had some lunch was a good decision, but the choices were limited

to tuna salad, falafel salad or chicken salad, with the latter

running out within the first half an hour. It was evident from

the half-eaten salads scattered around the garden that

people were less than impressed with the food. The

scones were

more popular, but there was a collective


ment that there was no variety of cake

served. The

unlimited champagne, Pimm’s and gin

and tonic was definitely the saviour of the garden

p a r t y ,

but it was so civilised that people were


about taking full advantage of the


It was

of drink.

a nice and relaxing afternoon, but

I’m sure most would agree that for

£25 (or £20 for members), it certainly

wasn’t worth it. If Magdalene JCR

can host a garden party for a mere £3,

surely in the week when money seems

to jump out of your wallet, you want

to make the most of everything you


Robyn Asbury

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22 Art {MISC.} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


No, not the eighteenth-century homage to Italy. Our writers unearth some stranger sites from across Europe...

Looking down a corridor in

Berlin’s Neues Museum, I got that

particular kind of déjà vu which only a

few objects in the world can produce:

the Mona Lisa, or the Statue of Liberty.

Objects whose images are so iconic,

they are both instantly familiar and

completely strange when you see them

in reality. I had caught sight of the bust

of Queen Nefertiti. The Neues Museum

puts you in an odd state of mind, as

the clean lines of modern restoration

abruptly give way to bullet holes and

bare brickwork. The building becomes

an artifact in itself, a record of the city’s

brutal history. Nefertiti sits in a room on

her own, small enough to feel intimate.

You can see the marks of the sculptor’s

tools in the plaster. Look right into her

one intact eye. Face to face with the

most beautiful woman in the world, in

the most extraordinary setting. Worth

another look.

The Bust of Queen Nefertiti - Berlin,

Neues Museum, by Bryony Bates

Paul Mannix

The Romanesque Collection -

Barcelona, MNAC, by Eliza Lass

Hidden behind the be-fountained

entrance of Barcelona’s MNAC is

a Romanesque collection memorable

for rather more than its magnificent air

conditioning, which itself induces tears

of joy in summertime. The fragmented

frescoes and mournful wooden saints

have resisted many outside attempts to

remove them from their native region.

Their triumphant display is creative

and poignantly protective of Catalonia’s

individual artistic heritage. Each fresco

is transplanted onto an architectural

‘shadow,’ suggesting its original setting.

It is as though they have been lifted

straight from the apses of Pyrenean

churches to the wall in front of you. The

grey bareness of these modern apses

and pillars allow old colours to breathe,

from the flaked and muted to brighter

coral-snake tones. Even if Romanesque

art isn’t your bag, trust me, these low lit,

curving chambers, deep in the bowels

of the Palau Nacional, are the calmest,

most evocative spaces in the city.

Sharon Mollerus

Cyprus is the birthplace of

Aphrodite, and as such you’d

assume the island’s ancient art is

as beautiful as the goddess herself.

However, no one could describe the

Scylla mosaic in the House of Dionysus

as a looker. You can hardly make out

which bits are woman, which bits are

dog and which are giant sea snake.

There is also an odd spiky protrusion

from her torso, which is apparently a

wrecked ship’s prow. The monochrome

depiction reminds me of a 20s film.

The Romans covered her up under

newer mosaics that look like garish

carpets, but after seeing dozens of

buff gladiators depicted in tiles, Scylla

comes as a relief. You can see the rage

on her face as she slithers through the

sea, and it’s a nice change to find a

woman showing some dominance for

once. The mosaic is the oldest on the

island and made of pebbles, which

seems a fitting touch for a sea monster.

So although the Scylla mosaic clearly

wasn’t a hit for the Ancient Romans,

for my money it makes a better

floor decoration than some spiteful,

simpering goddess like Aphrodite.

The Scylla Mosaic - Cyprus, The House

of Dionysus, by Kayte Williams


Fondation Cartier

Ron Muek - Paris, The Foundation

Cartier, by Nicole Kanne

When entering the wide,

empty and sterile exhibition

spaces of the Fondation Cartier in

Paris, Ron Mueck’s hyperrealist

sculptures of an elderly couple in

swimsuits, or his dead, plucked

chicken hanging upside-down

from the ceiling into the gallery

space, constitute something of a

shock at first glance.

The uncanny, yet intriguing

works of the Australian-born and

London-based artist evoke at once

reality and dream, everyday-life

and fairytale. Through surprises in

scale as well as the play with an at

times unflinching naturalism, they

subliminally lead the visitor to

reflect on his or her own physical

and spiritual self.

After an initial success in

2005, this is the Mueck’s second

exhibition at the Fondation

Cartier. It will be on view until 27

October 2013.

Stuck for a spare moment in

downtown Reykjavik? I wasn’t,

at least not after buying my coffee

at a shop next to The Icelandic

Phallogical Museum. I was struck

with bewilderment. I just had to

visit the only museum I know of

dedicated to manhoods. While other

countries in financial scrapes turn to

panic, Iceland instead invests in the

arts, and the power of the phallus.

What can be said about a museum

devoted to all members, great and

small? It sure is something. There are

a wide array of penises from all sorts

of creatures; including seals, whales,

and goats. In fact, about 280 of

Iceland’s mammals are represented.

The museum even features a set

of silver replicas in honour of the

2008 Olympic handball team. And

no, they didn’t pose for the casting.

Brilliant and barking, this ingenious

exhibition should not be missed.

The Icelandic Phallogical Museum -

Reykjavik, by Valdemar Alsop

Valdemar Alsop

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We can discuss your concerns with you,

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{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {MISC.} Books 23


TCS asked Holden Caulfield to write a guide to summer reading.

After some reluctance, he agreed.

Summer Reading. Phoniest damn column if I ever saw one. Wouldn’t’ve

written this crap if I could’ve avoided it, it ain’t the kinda thing you spend

your free time doing. I mean, I could’ve gone to the movies. Corny as hell,

I know right, but still. But not like those phoney bastards you see queuing for

hell up outside the movies, blocking up the sidewalk and giving you the look

like you’re missing out. Am I missing out! Instead I’m gonna chew the bull for

a few hundred words and tell you what I think of books. In Summer. Phoniest

damn thing I ever saw.


like a good smelling book. You know? The kind you pick up in one of those

thrift stores. You pick up any tome in those thrift stores and guaranteed it’ll

smell just like your grandma’s nightgown. I once spent a whole lotta time

just smelling those tomes. The clerk asked me if I was gonna buy something.

You should’ve seen her face when I kept on sticking my head in those pages

like some kinda lunatic. It killed me. I was in there for hours. That killed me.

If you’re asking, I like fat tomes and thin tomes. I mean, I’m not fussy. Why

think about the end when you’ve only just begun? Those phonies who see

how many pages there are before reading, man they kill me. I once had a

friend, Allen Konigsberg. All he read were those self-help books. How to Win

Friends and Influence People. Wadda load of crap. Think and Grow Rich. Like

that’s all it takes. Those lousy authors could shift a thousand copies in less time

than you could say J.D. Rockefeller. How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. I

got it: put down that bastard book and pick up a novel.



this Konigsberg guy, he’d wanna know how to make dough and get

popular and all that crap so much, but the problem was he hated reading

books. I mean, any Hemingway or Fitzgerald I offered him he turned

his nose up at. He wanted thin tomes and easy answers, and so he’d read the

blurb and contents, and then put the book down. But naturally, they gave him

no answers at all. And so he’s probably trailing round that bookstore on 12th

street, still worrying and not living and probably wondering why the heck he

can’t influence people. Goddam Konigsberg.

That’s all I’m gonna write. Have a good summer and all.

24 Theatre {MISC.}

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}



ADC, Tues 11th June- Sat 22nd, 7.45pm, then touring

This year’s Footlights International

Tour Show, Canada, thrived on

small-talk; it was often the delivery

of minor lines in a quick and

throwaway manner that brought

the humour out in a sketch. In

this regard Matty Bradley and

Rosa Robson shone and delivered

some great lines, mumbling

under boxes and around samurai

corpses. Matilda Wnek’s deadpan

delivery, meanwhile, lent all of her

roles a strong poise and charm.


In his director’s notes, Jack Parlett

mentions his awareness of the potential

‘pitfall’ of this play: that what is ostensibly a

drama about two men and their art could

become an art history lecture. As a series

of conversations between 1940s Abstract

Expressionist painter Mark Rothko and

his assistant Ken on the philosophy of art

broadly and of Rothko’s more specifically,

the script does merit this concern. But

in spite of that, and perhaps because of

the energy of the production, it was a

great show. Dealing with biographical,

as opposed to narrative, scripts is often

a challenge, and the talented cast and

crew rose to the challenge magnificently

to create a play that combined wide

philosophical ideas with a sense of

the personal lives of these two men:

one’s international fame and troubled

mind and one’s childhood trauma.

The play raises some exciting ideas

about perception, colour associations,

and the commodification and

intellectualisation of art; this is no doubt

what drew Parlett to it, and he was right

to be intrigued. On the one hand we have

the very physical act of Rothko’s creative

process - that of mixing paints, layering

them, allowing them to dry and then

deepening them with more layers, ‘like

glazes’. On the other, there is intellectual

metaphorical discussion of topics such

as ‘the thing that is black’ and how

Rothko’s works become ‘a continuous

narrative unfolding on the walls’.

There were times when the alterations

in pace felt a little forced. Though Gabriel

Likewise, speedy cuts at

the end of sketches made for

the funniest moments, such as

the Valhalla sketch, and being

stranded on a boat. The show

was remarkably co-ordinated, so

much so that a brief stumble with

a prop-heavy scene noticeably

put the whole cast on edge.

Yet while its strength came

from brevity, the show suffered

from long stretches of exposition

to set up sketches that petered

Corpus Playroom

Tues 18th- Sat 22nd


Cagan’s explosions of rage were startling

and genuine, and an ironic comic tone

occasionally raised it from the dark, it is

difficult to add real texture where tone

rarely changes. Brief and touchingly

portrayed sallies into Ken’s eventful past

allowed for some emotional intensity, as

did the exploration of the psychology of

fame. The physicality of the artist’s studio

was developed very effectively; both men

frequently mixed the ubiquitous reds in

buckets and pots onstage, and Parlett

allows a silence to fall for several minutes

as the two men prime a canvas with paint

‘the colour of dried blood’ before finally

falling back panting and paint-spattered.

The three-dimensionality of the theatre

as a way of exploring a 2D artist’s work

and motivation provides a chance to

push the boundaries of the studio space

that is Corpus, and this was enhanced by

a strong set, with Rothko reproductions

(courtesy of Jessica O’Driscoll Brian)

on the walls, spattered white cloth

everywhere, and a single monumental

canvas on the back wall that towers over

the whole space. Disconcertingly, the two

characters tend to gaze out at us as though

we were the murals, startling us into

considering the nature of observation.

Overall, RED is a curious script, made

into a strong production that is well worth

a watch, partly to enjoy the fascinating

depiction of a creative partnership, and

partly to make you think about art in

ways you hadn’t since Art GCSE, if at all.

Isabel Adomakoh Young

out a little. Others strained a

little too hard for a pun or prop

gimmick and suffered duly.

The first half romped around

geekdom, with magic rings and

demons galore. While amusing,

the prevalent humour was more

giggle-inducing than full-on

hilarious, and conjured the

ASDF films of Youtube fame

more than anything else (an

association perhaps brought

on by the blank white screens



Corpus Playroom, Tues 18th- Sat 22nd, 9.30pm

This week’s Corpus Lateshow

is the first performance in

Britain of Venezuelan playwright

Rodolfo Santana’s play, Tourists’

Influence on the Incline of the

Leaning Tower of Pisa, translated

by Charles Philip Thomas.

Unfortunately, Fergus Blair’s

choice of play was an appalling

mistake and wasted a valuable

90 minutes of my May Week.

The play was set in Florence and

Sand Oz, Flickr

ADC Theatre

that formed the set design).

Towards the second half the

humour took a turn for the more

intellectual, revolving around

some fascinating explorations

of metatheatre that, if not

always funny, were conceptually

appreciable. But the constant

problem with anything meta

is that it can become too selfconscious,

and jokes often lost

their effect when actually followed

through, such as the “sketch for

one”. On the other hand, a certain

sketch explaining a sketch

(#meta) was carried

off surprisingly well

by Emma Sidi,

whose talent

was probably

the most




abounded too,

but these were

less successful. A

Fun fact: it is the first

time that the Footlights

International Tour

Show has had more

female members than


television, used

to time the duration of

sketches, became predictable,

and only foregrounded time

wasted. The sand witch sketch was

especially predictable and drawn

out, saved again by Robson’s phatic

eloquence. Then again, perhaps all

this metatheatre eventually made

focused on the late-night encounter

between Dante, a hotel worker, and

Nikita, a mysterious, blood-stained

young woman. During the course

of the play Nikita educates Dante,

firstly, about an evil world-wide

conspiracy to conceal the damage

tourists are doing to historic

monuments and art and, secondly,

about the tendency of tourists

to turn into ravening, depraved

beasts during the night. Nikita

reveals to Dante her determination

to hunt down and kill tourists

in order to save the world.

Whilst the plot could have been

entertainingly absurd it ended

up being merely incoherent

and repetitive. Nikita’s diatribes

about the evils of tourism were

exceedingly monotonous and her

desire to save historic monuments

was somewhat undermined by

her insistence that all the real

monuments had been either

destroyed or hidden, leaving

only copies for the tourists to

deface. Furthermore, the love

story between Nikita and Dante

made absolutely no sense. Nikita

vacillated between throwing herself

at Dante, who she claimed to find

irresistible due to his short stature,

them so self-conscious that they

gave the audience an opportunity

to claim back wasted time. All

I’ll say is that, if you have the

nerve, you could really profit.

Indeed, audience interaction

was the strong point of the

evening. My favourite part was

the use of reference cards: every

turn the sketch took was newly

ingenious. The second half also

saw certain flat sketches from the

first half receive a breath of fresh

air with second half revivals.

The international tour isn’t

travelling to Canada

during its trip across

the pond and, aside

from a passing

and threatening him with a knife,

whilst Dante seemed unable to

decide between branding Nikita as

a lunatic and ravishing her on the

desk. The inconsistencies of their

earlier interactions made their

later claims of love and devotion

seem somewhat implausible.

The only bright points in the

play were the attacks by monsters,

transformed tourists murdered by

Dante. These attacks were hilarious,

largely due to the ridiculous

monster costumes. However, I

think I was more laughing at,

rather than with, the actors.

This play clearly intended to raise

some serious issues. The questions

it raised about the value and

dangers of tourism and the relative

value of preserving human history

versus allowing people transient

pleasures were interesting.

Unfortunately the thoughtprovoking

aspects of this play

were rather overshadowed by the

pretentious dialogue, unconvincing

love story and disjointed plot.

The theatre was empty when

I went and, frankly, I think

that that is how it should stay.

Martha Fromson

reference, the

country seemed

a trivial choice

for the title.

My wager for

why it’s there

is that the show

simply happens

to embody the

stereotypical spirit of

Canada: America’s kookier, less

efficient and somewhat hitand-miss

sibling... although if

there was one thing the show

was not, then it is stereotypical.

Ben Redwood

Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}



From Footlights shows to

productions untested in

Cambridge, there are over a

dozen student shows going up to

Edinburgh from Cambridge.We

decided to save you the trouble of

trawling through camdram by giving

you a selection of our highlights:





This adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic

tale of love and tortoises by first time

writer Ryan Ammar was described

by our reviewer Martha Fromson as

‘absolutely charming.’ Jack Mosedale

plays the titular tortoise with a

dry humour and narrates the love

story. Expect farce, flamboyance

and flatulence in this play that is

definitely not just for children.



This May Week,

CowsDrinkMilk directors

Pete Skidmore and

Oliver Marsh will be bringing

a very different Shakespeare

performance to the Red Buildings

Lawn at Pembroke. Inspired by

the Edinburgh craze for inebriated

performances of the playwright’s

work, Smashed Shakespeare:

Hammered Hamlet will see two

of the six cast




to perform

drunk onstage.

Skidmore and Marsh

say it’s “practically the

perfect May Week Show”

combining drink, with serious

acting and improvisation.

It is a Cambridge

tradition to stage

Shakespeare plays

in May Week

and the craze

continues through

Roca Ruiz

the summer with the city’s

Shakespeare festival. However,

the CowsDrinkMilk performance

must surely be the only one this

year with an allocated alcohol




Alex MacKeith’s new adaptation of

this trio of tragedies wowed and

baffled reviewers in equal measure in

its production in Michaelmas. Former

TCS Theatre Editor, Davina Moss,

described this show as ‘ if

MacKeith’s had a series of hilarious

dreams...when adapting the Oresteia.’

Glitz, glamour and contemporary

cultural references abound as

the tales of revenge are uprooted

to a Las Vegas Casino setting.




This bittersweet play by Daniel

Henry Kaes about the most popular

destination for suicide in Britain

garnered favourable reviews in

Cambridge. It meshes dialogues

and monologues as the lives of three

very different characters converge.

The play is unafraid to take risks,

veering from seriousness to comedy

to a scene with music and maracas,

in its wildly varying moods.




A devised piece of theatre, based

on over 60 verbatim accounts of

mental illness, Snap Out of It! aims

budget, intoxicated audition recalls

involving stripping and whipped

cream, dancing which promises to

“look like Cindies choreographed”

and original electro-swing mixes

by Cambridge’s Red Violin.

I asked the two whether

less-well-known societies are

sometimes forced to pick slightly

more gimmicky and wacky

performances in order to attract

audiences and compete

with the ‘ADC brand’.

Skidmore is keen to

state that the troupe

isn’t going for an

“amateurish angle”,

nor do they want to

“distance themselves

from professionalism”. This

show is about having fun and

doing something original in the

Cambridge May Week drama

scene. It’s been an informal

rehearsal process and promises

to complement May Week quite

well: drinking and comic theatre

in a beautiful outdoor setting.

It’s a performance with a

difference, but Skidmore says

that whilst CowsDrinkMilk

wanted to do something original,

the intention wasn’t to “sacrifice

to challenge preconceptions and

sensitively explore mental health.

Our reviewer Maeve Hannah found

this performance particularly

affecting: “most of its power for me

was in how true it rang to... the ‘very

particular brand of guilt’ we can

often feel as incredibly privileged

people suffering from depression.”



Winner of the 2012 Marlowe/

RSC Other Prize, this piece of new

writing by Isobel Cohen about a

artistic integrity for shock humour

or controversy.” The pair describe

a relaxed and informal, yet

structured rehearsal process which

promises to include the perfect

amount of comic disorder and

classical Shakespearean elements:

“it’s 90% original Hamlet”.

Whilst the pair have never

directed a May Week Show,

Marsh has a passion for changing

and adapting Shakespeare and

it sounds as though there have

been some interesting processes

of abridging and redistributing

lines amongst the characters.

Horatio and Laertes have been

combined to add an interesting

dynamic to the play and the

protagonist himself becomes

“more talked about than talking”.

But they didn’t just pick Hamlet

for an alliterative name for the show,

Skidmore says that “introducing a

drunk person into a serious play

ups the humour”. The Edinburgh

shows were Shakespearean

comedies, but Skidmore and

Marsh opted for a tragedy which

is “a lot naughtier than people

think”, and promise that the

drunken element will highlight

the sexual innuendoes, bawdiness

The TCS Guide to the best of the Cambridge shows

hitting the 2013 Edinburgh Festival Fringe

family with seven girls on a remote

Scottish island attracted mixed

reviews in Cambridge. A great

part of its power lies in its sensory

effects; the performance blends

music, myth, a rough and ready

set, and puppetry. It promises to

be a visually stunning production.

And it involves an ornithologist.

And something new:





and of course the mentioning

of drink. The performance will

also have a compère to oversee

the structured madness.

Far from being a few drunks

trying to read Hamlet, this

promises to be a highly original

and refreshing performance for

May Week. There are some high

expectations; May Week is waiting

to see whether CowsDrinkMilk’s

launch into the world of Cambridge

Drama will be an alcohol-fuelled

raging success or a boozedup

flop. Speaking to Skidmore

and Marsh, I strongly suspect it

{MISC.} Theatre 25

Stuart Caie, Flickr

Atri Banerjee’s new and modernised

version of Luigi Pirandello’s metaplay

will come home to Cambridge

after its Edinburgh run as the

Week 1 Michaelmas lateshow at

the ADC. Banerjee also directed

Elton John and Tim Rice’s AIDA

at the end of Lent term, which was

a great success. Although it may

not be a musical, this production

promises to add a healthy dose of

the Absurd to your Edinburgh.

Suzanne Duffy and Hannah



Jack Pulman-Slater talks to the comedy troupe CowsDrinkMilk about mixing booze and Shakespearean tragedy into

the perfect May Week cocktail...


won’t be the latter; this should

be a fantastically fresh show.

CowsDrinkMilk have already

gained ground with performances

in Edinburgh, Manchester and

Cambridge, and are scheduled to

have their own ADC Lateshow

at the start of Michaelmas next

year. If all goes well, I think

CowsDrinkMilk may be a troupe

to keep an eye out for in the future.

Smashed Shakespeare: Hammered

Hamlet runs from the 20th-22nd

June, 6:30pm, Red Buildings

Lawn, Pembroke College.

26 Features {MISC.} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}



It doesn’t matter who it’s from, or whether it is accompanied by a weak smile, a strange upper-arm fondle, or

consolation cash from your Gran. I’ve been informed the phrase is intended solicitously, but I remain sceptical.

‘Good Luck’ is stupid not because exams aren’t about luck – a lot of the time they are – but because it is not within

your power to bestow luck upon me. All you do when you say this is re-affirm my powerlessness, and your own

under-developed ability to relate socially and emotionally to other humans.


You don’t know this. You say you know you can’t know, but you ‘believe’. Who are you to believe in me? You

have no idea what I have planned. I might draw a picture on my exam script. I might give that picture grotesquely

exaggerated genitalia, a Nazi flag and a handbag, and label it as an eminent Cambridge intellectual. Then we’ll

see if I’m fine.


No. I got an average of above 90% in my A levels, endured three gruelling interviews, wrote over 50 essays in three

years and sat 4 Finals in a week. I am not so insupportable I need you to physically cradle me. Your clammy

touch will not restore me to self-confidence, perspective or success. I would rather you asked me if I wanted a rectal

examination – at least those are conventionally succeeded by a set of results.


I don’t know. I’m not marking my script. But it’s likely I’ll get a 2.i, like most members of this institution.

What’s that? Your son got a First? What did he study? Baking Technology Management? You stupid, stupid

woman. Your SON is stupid, will be forever greasy, dozy and unemployed, and his girlfriend is probably

planning to leave him.

5. ‘WHAT NOW?’

Don’t give me your ‘Big Wide World’ bollocks. I don’t know what’s next, and nor do you. Yes, I was going to be

a journalist, but now I’m not. Why? Don’t ask me that. It won’t be because I’m too good to be a journalist, will it?

You’re asking because you like to be reminded that you’re not the only one in this world who has failed to meet

every expectation, deadline and debt that ever came their way. Cremation is the next notable event you have in your

diary, and we both know it. Leave me alone. In 5 years I will be famous, and you will be dead.


Michaelmas 2013

Vacancies for writers, reporters,

reviewers, sub-editors and


Please send us a personal statement

of around (01223) 400 words, 355155 including

details of any relevant experience.

Writer and Reporter applications

should include a sample article of

no more than 400 words.

Photographers should include an

email with links to your work along

with your personal statement.

There are no strict deadlines for

writer, reporter etc applications -

you can apply anytime prior to start

of Michaelmas term!

To apply email:

27 Hills Road,





Limited delivery area available late night ask for details.

Drivers carry less than £10.

(01223) 355155

Opening Hours: Delivering 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Closes for carryout: Midnight, 7 days a week.



Pop in

Tap the app

S008179-1 157x180mm 24 HR Delivery Advert-Cambridge Central.indd 1 17/10/2012 10:31

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {MISC.} Interviews 27


As recently as 2010, Alt-J were still making music in their dorm rooms while attending the University of Leeds. Now, thanks to the

staggering success of their 2012 debut album ‘An Awesome Wave’, the band have a Mercury Prize under their belt and a rapidly growing fan

base that includes Tilda Swinton among its members. During a break before the band’s recent show at the Cambridge Corn Exchange,

drummer Thom Green sat down with Sophie Luo for a chat about meeting Skrillex at Coachella, Kurt Cobain holograms, and much more.

Since you’re from Cambridge,

does it feel very different playing a

hometown show?


It does. Well, it feels strange. I feel more

like an outsider since coming back.

Obviously I’ve lived here, so I have

my own little personal connections

to things, but now it’s kind of like I’m

visiting for work, which is strange.

Do you get stopped or recognised

often in Cambridge?

Well, I haven’t been back for a

while, so, you know... no. [Laughs]

You’re about to embark on a

massive tour for festival season.

What are the best and worst parts

about touring?

Well, there are a few things. Improving

as a musician. I think I’m a hundred

times better a drummer than I was two

years ago, and that’s really exciting. I

love playing the drums more now

than I ever have before. Just the

opportunities to meet other people -

you get to meet your idols sometimes.

Such as...

He’s not my idol, but I look up to

him a lot. I met Skrillex at Coachella.

That completely blew my mind. He

watched our show from the side of

the stage and then came over and

said hello afterwards. We ended up

hanging out and watching Knife

Party with him. It was just like, “this

is absurd.” I love dubstep - that’s what

I’m all about at the moment, and I

couldn’t believe it. Skrillex is one of the

most famous people in music, and he

couldn’t walk more than three metres

without somebody wanting a photo.

But he did it! He’s one of the nicest

people I’ve ever met. He met them,

he got their names, he remembered

everybody. So yeah, meeting people

like that, and getting to see places I

would never get the opportunity to

go to, like most of America, Australia

and various places in Europe.

What’s the most surreal thing that’s

happened to you since you won the


You find yourself in situations with

certain people. Like, Tilda Swinton

came to see us in New York. She came

backstage and all of us were talking

to Tilda Swinton. We got a photo and

everything, and she asked for the

photo. That kind of thing. Or I’ve just

got a drum endorsement from Tama.

I’ve always wanted to use one of their

kits, but they’re really expensive - I

could never afford it. And then they

offered me a worldwide endorsement,

which is insane. I’ve just sent off all my

specs for my new kit and I’m on their

artist roster. They just have the best

drummers in the world. It’s crazy. It’s

like a childhood dream. Just... weird.

But it’s almost like I don’t deserve

it. I don’t know why they’ve done it.

I mean, you’re a pretty great


[Laughs] I know that I’m not shit,

you know what I mean? But you

can never relate to that kind of

thing. It’s just a goal I’ve managed

to achieve, and a big goal as well.

Is a second album currently in the


It is, yeah. It’s hard at

the moment because

we’re touring so

much. It’s kind

of ironic - we

don’t actually get

that much time

together to write.

For example, like

today, you wake up on

the bus, you feel pretty

tired, it takes you a while to wake

up and shower, you have a little

personal time. You’re never in the

mindset to just start writing together.

You might want to go out and see the

place you’re in, see family, that sort

of thing. But I make a lot of music

on my laptop; I do remixes and I’m

always making music. Joe [Newman,

vocals/guitar] is the same - he’s got

“We are writing,

but it’s not

been modeled

into anything

Alt-J yet”

a huge imagination, so he’s always

putting things down, whether it’s

on his guitar or just lyrics. So we are

writing, but it’s not been modeled

into anything Alt-J just yet. October

is when we finish touring, so we’re

going to just do the album then.

I’m hoping it will get out next year.

First half of next year, hopefully.

Can you give us a rundown of Alt-

J’s musical tastes?

I listen to a lot of bass music,

like dubstep. I grew up

listening to metal; I

was in a metal band.

We were terrible but

we looked cool. Joe

[Newman] likes

individual tracks.

He doesn’t really

actively seek out

music, I don’t think. He

likes Laura Marling a lot,

actually - I think he quite likes

songwriters. Gus [Unger-Hamilton,

keyboards] likes a lot of indie: Foals,

Hot Chip, that kind of thing. He

also likes a lot of early music, which

I hate. Just doesn’t do anything for

me. Gwil [Sainsbury, guitar/bass]...

Gwil’s weird. Gwil, as far as I can tell,

doesn’t actually listen to that much

music. [Pause] I couldn’t tell you.

He likes Pink Floyd, I know that.

How do you come up with the

concepts for your music videos,

which are often bizarre?

It’s hard because I don’t particularly

like working on music videos. I can’t

see how you can really represent

sound with a video as such. Especially

nowadays, it’s just pretty much going

on Youtube for a company to track.

But with ‘Breezeblocks’, for example,

there’s a website called Radar, and

you upload a track that you want

a video to be made for and a brief

and then people bid on it. I think

for ‘Breezeblocks’ we had 60 different

[bids] which we went through. The

one that we liked was by a guy called

Ellis [Bahl] from Brooklyn, and it

was just one page. Very brief and

to the point. Some people would

send like 20 pages of ideas, and it

was just too much. But he seemed

like he knew what he was doing,

so we gave it to him. Obviously we

couldn’t be there [for the video],

but we Skyped with him quite a lot.

To me, a video’s a video. I just don’t

have that connection with music

videos too much. I would prefer to

have something that was completely

abstract. That’s why we’re not in

[our] videos, because we don’t need

to represent the music with us. I

think if you try and match the track

with the video, it just doesn’t work.

If you could see any artist or band

perform, who would it be?

Probably Nirvana. Yeah. Definitely.

I’ve not seen Radiohead play, but I

can pretty much imagine what it’d

be like, I think. Deftones are one

of my favourite bands as well, and

I’ve not actually seen them play,

which is weird because I’ve been a

fan of them since their first album.

But then... I’d rather see Nirvana,

you know. I would love to see Kurt

Cobain performing. That would

be incredible. [Pause] I just hope -

you know they did this hologram?

With Tupac?

Yeah. I just fucking pray to God

that they don’t do that. They can’t

do that. He would never want that

in a million years. I’d be distraught.

What four items would Alt-J bring

along if stranded on a desert island?

We’d probably take a ball. Just a ball.

Because, you know... it’s entertaining.

An acoustic guitar, because you can use

an acoustic guitar as a drum. [Pause]

Could we have a laptop with the

internet? That’d be brilliant. And then...

maybe like a box. Just so if you needed

to, you could go sit in a box. To be

away from the others. That’d be ideal.

28 Food, Cartoons & Puzzles {MISC.} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}
















In three minutes, make as

many words as you can from

the letters above. Each word

must be at least 3 letters

long, and must include the

centre letter. Each letter can

only be used once per word.

No plurals or proper nouns.

The wheel also contains one

9-letter word inspired by

this week’s front page. Find

it, and you’re officially the

coolest cat in Cambridge.

How many words did you find?

16+ words = 1st

11-15 words = 2:1

6-10 words = 2:2

3-5 words = 3rd

0-2 words = Drunk/Asleep

Cox-ic Waste by Alex Cussons

David Blaikie

Zoah Hedges-Stocks is left

underwhelmed by the

not-so-fine fish restaurant


This meal felt like a May Ball

marred by rain; a sense of

anticipation followed by

frustration at wasted potential.

Our waiter was knowledgeable

and attentive (although somewhat

bafflingly, a request for smaller

portions was dismissed as ‘not

possible’) and initially his enthusiasm

was infectious. We ordered the

salmon trio starter (£8.75), despite

knowing that the sashimi part of the

trio was unavailable. Going to Loch

Fyne without sampling the smoked

salmon would be akin to going to

Egypt and not seeing the pyramids.

The kiln-smoked Bradan Rost salmon

came in a meaty chunk which was a

good contrast to the delicate sheets

of the more traditionally smoked

salmon. Both were outshone,

though, by the trio of marinated

herrings (£6.65) which were the

best dish of the night. The Madeiramarinated

herring was surprisingly

and pleasantly sweet, the mustardmarinated

herring was creamy

and subtle rather than hot, and the

refreshing pickled herring rounded

off the trio nicely. We decided to

try the charcuterie plate (£6.25),

impressed that a fish restaurant would

bother to offer one - the sentiment

did not survive the sampling.

The lobster frites (£24.45) arrived

with cold chips and barely any garlic

butter. The crustacean didn’t have

the dignity in death that it deserved.

The bisque was better and the ideal

post-exam comfort food. The seafood

mixed grill (£20.45) was only a partial

success. Whilst the shellfish were

good, the salmon and the bream

were bland. Perhaps unsurprisingly,

the dish lacked cohesiveness. The

Loch Fyne,

Trumpington Street, 11.30AM-10.30PM

bed of new potatoes and spinach

failed to tie it together and the

one unifying element was the

excessive amount of butter.

The tarte tatin (£5.45) was

perfectly caramelised whilst still

retaining a hint of sharpness , whilst

the crème brûlée (£5.25) and Muscat

dessert wine (£4.65, 125ml) were

respectable. The interesting herrings

and flawless dessert bookended

mains that let Loch Fyne down.

Perhaps the fault was less with

the restaurant than our choices;

the marinated and smoked starters

allowed more room for creative

flair, whereas our main courses

were simple dishes where the

ingredients were the star. If we had

ordered the specials, we might have

witnessed more creative flair, but

in order to write a useful review,

we chose dishes readers could be

sure of finding on the menu. The

overall meal was pleasant, but the

main courses were as bland as this

review. I cannot paint you a vivid

‘word-picture’ because there were

few piquant tastes to describe. The

restaurant was kind enough to offer

us a complementary review meal

– but if I had been eating there for

my graduation dinner and paying

the menu prices, I would have felt

underwhelmed. Loch Fyne wasn’t

bad; it simply failed to inspire.

The restaurant seems to be

keen to catch the more quotidian

student customer as well as the

graduation dinner crowd; fish and

chips, with a choice of traditional

batter or tempura, are £5.50.

Perhaps Loch Fyne works better as

a down-to-earth lunch spot than

it does as a dinner destination.

Food Served



12 - 2pm



Nowhere to hold parties

or club meetings?

Book one of our rooms

Conveniently located in the heart of the

city opposite the Mill Pub

Mill Lane



Credit Crunch Lunch

Enjoy a main course with a beer,

glass of wine or soft drink

Fresh sandwiches and filled rolls made to order

Homemade burgers, jacket potatoes, steaks and

a range of seasonal dishes also available

Bar also open weekday evenings

from 5pm

01223 338090

Open to all





Beer Festivals

Fishing, football &

swimming clubs

Darts, snooker, pool

& table tennis

Ceroc, Tango & Salsa

dance classes

Zumba, Boxercise &

Tai Chi exercise classes


Free House

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {MISC.} Cartoons & Puzzles 29

6 7



Set by Vegetable


1. Injured, can spare organ (8)

8. Announce the king’s in danger on a ship – it’s black and

white (12)

10. Swimmer’s to perform, not hard – one shooting through

the water (7)

11. In Ontario, wandering American (5)

12. Leg adjustment faulty: it’s the end of the world! (4, 9)

14. Composer’s piece of delectable harmony (5)

15. Politician, or snob fiddling expenses initially (7)

18. Certainty of French tax on head, involving information

technology (13)

1 2 3 4 5

10 11

12 13

Two Weeks Earlier by Ling Li

14 15 16 17





2. Colour road map pale brown from the

bottom, excluding Cuba (5)

3. I do run about cross after vehicle put on

Australian beach; ultimately an eyesore, it

ruins the atmosphere (6, 7)

4. European incentive, arousing feeling (7)

5. We barristers mixed fruit (12)

6. Racecourse excludes a northerner (4)

7. Knight and official turn around, turn

around and start to see fairground rides (6,


9. Now and again eking out bind (4)

12. Starts to learn I love yellow flower (4)

13. Short jacket met with hesitant noise,

stopping and starting more (7)

Would you like to try your hand at making puzzles

or crosswords? Have you you always fancied the

idea of becoming a cartoonist?

Email to become an

illustrator, cartoonist or puzzle-setter for

The Cambridge Student next term.

Unnatural Selection by Caitlin Blumgart





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30 Sport Thursday, June 20th, 2013 {TCS}


Will Spencer previews both

sides ahead of the Ashes...

Perhaps more so than ever before,

England will enter into

this summer’s Ashes series

as clear favourites. For their part,

Australia seem to be in a consistent

state of disarray. A convincing

3-0 home Test series win against Sri

Lanka at the start of the year after

competing strongly in a 1-0 series

loss against South Africa, the world’s

number one side, suggested that

their stock was on the rise. However,

their shortcomings were brutally

exposed in their most recent Test

series, a 4-0 drubbing away in India.

Specifically, the lack of resources

in their spin bowling department is

a particular worry. Their frontline

Test spinner is groundsman-turnedcricketer

Nathan Lyon, steadily improving

but distinctly innocuous.

Moreover, their batting order remains

flimsy, yet to truly recover from the

retirements of Ricky Ponting and

Michael Hussey. Shane Watson, formerly

one of their most solid players,

is out of touch and unsettled

after being somewhat farcically reprimanded

over failing to complete

a ‘homework’ task during the India

series. Though admittedly a different

format, Australia’s exit at the group

stage of the 50-over Champions Trophy

in England exposed their lack of

confidence. The surprise Ashes selection

of Chris Rogers, 35, could yet

prove to be an inspired one: as a seasoned

county pro, his local knowledge

and calm should be invaluable.

The outlook for England seems

contrastingly positive. Though only

just scraping a Test series draw in

New Zealand earlier this year, a

convincing 2-0 win in the return

series which followed suggested

that when motivated and in home

conditions, they could prove to be

utterly dominant. Even the perpetually

frustrating Stuart Broad showed

glimpses of the potential which convinces

England to keep persisting

with him, bagging a seven-wicket

haul in bowling New Zealand out for

68 in the first home Test. More striking

was the Test series win in India

in December, an impressive result

which highlighted England’s versatility,

particularly their comparative

strength in spin bowling resources.

The fitness of Kevin Pietersen,

mooted for an imminent return to

action with Surrey, is a primary concern.

As England’s main aggressor, he

is the one batsman in England’s top

six able to shift the momentum of a

match in the course of a session. The

emergence of Joe Root has bolstered

England, though, displaying a cool

presence at odds with his young age.

Question marks remain over Alastair

Cook’s opening partner, the incumbent

Nick Compton having been told

to regain form before selection. A

change at Compton’s expense would

most likely involve Root, a natural

opener, moving up to partner Cook

and accommodate Jonny Bairstow,

or perhaps James Taylor. Any injuries

in the fast-bowling department

could leave England short. A promising

crop of young bowlers in county

cricket has yet to truly develop, Surrey’s

Stuart Meaker being the quickest

of them, but too erratic to make

a serious case for selection. Australia’s

emerging pace bowlers should

make for an intriguing contest.


TCS Sport takes a

look back at what you

may have missed when

you were in the library

this term...


Two 800m Medals at

Under-23 Nationals

The women’s pairing of Emily Dudgeon

and Hanna Tarver led the way

for CUAC at last weekend’s Under-20

and Under-23 National Championships

in Bedford. The pair repeated

their double-medal-winning exploits

from last month’s BUCS Championships

[pictured] but in the opposite

order as Dudgeon took silver in a season’s

best time of 2:05.13, with Tarver

third in 2:06.68. Each will have to

find a little more speed to dip under

the qualifying time for the upcoming

European U-23 Championships.

In the U-20 1,500m, Lewis Lloyd finished

5th in 3:56.00 and also missed

out on European qualification, yet still

performed very well in a high quality

race with a brutal last lap burn-up.

Elsewhere, Matt Leach finished 12th

in the U-23 5,000m in 14.58.91 (his

second quickest ever) while Katherine

Turner placed 10th over 1,500m in

4:33.1 to continue the strong season

for Cambridge distance runners.


2nd May: Karters

race ahead of Oxford:

Cambridge won their first Varsity

Karting match for three years

with a 79-61 victory at the Rye

House circuit.

6th May: Joy for

Rowers and Athletes

CUAC won 5 BUCS medals,

including High Jump gold for

Emma Perkins, before the Rowers

won 5 more, including gold in the

Men’s Lightweight Singles.

12th May: Pool club

pocket Varsity win:

Cambridge scored their first Varsity

Pool win since 2008 with their biggest

ever winning margin: 52-38.

Niall Murphy winning 8 out of 9


Punt, pole and paddle is the way forward

Yema Stowell

Sport Reporter

Tennis rackets as oars, umbrellas

as sails, and one makeshift drummer

for a bit of on-ship entertainment:

it can only be the Cambridge

University Cardboard Boat Race.

Eager spectators lined the banks

of the River Cam to cheer friends on

while a few turned up to experience

a bit of schadenfreude on Suicide

Sunday as yet another boat disintegrated

into the Cam. But on Sunday

none of the boaties were to be

deterred by the river’s cold waters.

One crew sunk in style with pimms

on board and two separate boats


Today at Fenners:

Women: 10:30am, Men: 3pm

joined together in the hope that double

the effort could produce results.

It was not just students who lined the

banks, families too joined in the festivities,

not to mention the tourists.

Unsurprisingly, the oarsome boating

puns and references were plentiful

as competing names included ‘One

Hull of a Problem’ and ‘Ship happens’.

“It was better than May bumps!”

claimed one enthusiastic spectator,

and there were smiles on

everyone’s faces at Jesus Green,

even those left to pull their sopping

cardboard out from the river.

After the race, TCS Sport caught up

with the proud and humble winners

of the 2013 Cardboard Boat Race:

Hannah Malcolm

James Wright, John Grenfell-Shaw,

Adam Dougall and Daisy Gomersall.

A circular boat, a firm base, three

oars to hand and a punter at the

back, ‘The Gaffa Maria’ took the

group approximately 15-20 hours

to make. “We’re happy to win” said

James, “and surprised too. The punting

pole was fairly last minute.”

The opportunity

to express

ingenuity remains

a fl o a t ”

The crew got off to a good start,

reached Magdalene Bridge within

minutes and journeyed back with

confidence and triumphant cheers.

When asked about the secret to their

success, the group replied: “Punt,

pole and paddle is the way forward”

and this success comes in the form of

two free St Edmund’s May Ball tickets.

The salvaging of cardboard and

park picnics continued throughout

the afternoon leaving one particularly

well-designed boat to paddle as

far as Queens’. Overall, it was a thoroughly

successful event which ended

in many declarations of boating intent

for next year, suggesting that

the opportunity to express ingenuity

through a bit of cardboard, PVA

glue and gaffa tape remains afloat.











Hannah Malcolm

{TCS} Thursday, June 20th, 2013

Sport 31

18th May: Cleansweep

for CUAC:

Cambridge won the 139th Athletics

Varsity match 4-0 after dominant

victories in the Men’s and Women’s

1st’s and 2nd’s matches at Wilberforce


19th May: BUCS

dominance in Cycling:

With gold on the track in the Women’s

team Pursuit, Cambridge ended

the BUCS cycling season with

8 golds, and 12 overall, medals as

they close in on the overall title.

25th May: Pythons

win thriller 20-13

Cambridge overcame Oxford to

win the American Football Varsity

match with Joe Yarwood and Steve

Kinnersely each scoring touchdowns.

26th May: Dead heat

for triathletes:

The Triathlon Varsity match ended

2-2 with Cambridge winning the

Men’s Team and Individual races

courtesy of Will Kirk, with the

women suffering narrow defeats.

8th June: Polo heartbreak

at Windsor:

A strong Oxford team beat Cambridge

11-3 in the 135th Polo Varsity

match, although the Light Blues

did win the Old Boys match.

[Full report on TCS online]

Confidence high ahead of July’s Varsity Tennis showdown

Gerald Wu chats about preparations, PhDs and predictions with team captains Sven Sylvester and Sophie Walker ahead of the season fi n a l e

The biggest obstacle to training

in Easter term - exams

- is gone now. How are the

preparations coming along?

Sven Sylvester: The preparations

have been great, most of the team

finished exams quite early so we have

had solid training for the last two

weeks. We still have a couple more

warm-up matches before Varsity.

So, as long as the sun stays around,

the preparations will be perfect.

Sophie Walker: Well, we still have

obstacles, namely May Balls, but we’re

managing to fit in lots of training and

match practice around the partying.

What are the training plans for the

next few weeks? Any injuries?

SS: Luckily, we don’t have many injury

issues at the moment, except that

of Constantine Markides, our number

one, who has some problems with

shin splints. However, with a careful

training regime, he should be fine.

We are planning on training from

now until Varsity five days a week

for two to three hours a day. Also,

we have matches on the weekends

and a day off per week for the team.

SW: A few niggling injuries... The

vice-captain has been suffering from

a long-term shoulder injury and Ilana

Goodman, number 5 on the

team, sprained her ankle last term

and is still recovering. They’re confident

they’ll be fine for Varsity

though. As for training plans, we’re

working on improving our fitness

and hitting as many balls as possible.

Can you explain how difficult is it to

cope with training on top of exams

at this time of the year every season?

SS: It’s hard for me as a PhD student

with no exams to fully understand

the balance of exams and training.

I feel that training provides a very

good stress relief for the guys. The

hardest thing is to maintain their

motivation throughout this period.

However, now that everything

is done, the relaxed atmosphere is

great for good tennis to be played.

SW: Exam term can prove a bit of a

nightmare. Inevitably, everyone has

to cut down on court time. Having to

spend so much time at a desk, fitness

levels and consistency really drop.

However, at the same time, it’s really

great stress relief to get on court

and hit a few balls between exams.

Can you summarise the team’s performance

this year? Any outstanding

results? Anything in particular

to improve on?

SS: We have one of the best squads

that Cambridge has seen in recent

years. Winning our BUCS division

was a great achievement. A few

matches stand out in particular. Tim

Prossor dominated the ex-Oxford

captain 6-3, 6-1 in a BUCS match,

the final doubles match against the

International Club of Great Britain

where myself and Sam Ashcroft won

3-6, 7-6, 6-3 to win the match overall

and James Shacklock’s strong singles

win over the Essex number two. We

need to continue building more consistency

throughout the next couple

of weeks but not too much more to

improve on, we are in fighting shape!

SW: The team did very well this

year, maintaining its position in the

South Premiership division of BUCS

and securing some good results in

friendly matches against the International

Club, Queen’s and Wimbledon.

After all the hard work this year,

surely nothing less than a Varsity

victory will suffice...

SS: That’s right, nothing but an

eighth win in a row will suffice.

Ian Loo

SW: Too true! The team has worked

really hard this year and it hasn’t been

easy with mass injury and low numbers.

They deserve to do very well. Oxford

are looking much stronger than

they have in a while but we’re looking

good too. I have every confidence in

my team. They’re a talented squad.

Hand on heart, give us a prediction

for this year’s Varsity match.

SS: I think it will be a tough match

and it will go down to the wire. However,

with the depth in our squad, I am

predicting a 14-7 win for Cambridge.

SW: Cambridge!

Sven Sylvester

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David Ponting

Fairy-tale for Clare as Downing bumped off the top

Peter Gallimore

Sport Reporter

The final day of May Bumps 2013 will

last long in the memory after thrilling

conclusions to the top divisions.

Clare W1 finished off a spectacular

week by claiming top spot in the

women’s division for the first time

since 1980, receiving double Blades for

bumping up every day in the process.

Caius M1 looked supreme in the final

race and caught Downing in front of a

packed crowd at The Plough to reclaim

the headship they lost in a dramatic

turn of events the evening before.

The four day event started off in

inauspicious circumstances. The

lower divisions were plagued with

delays resulting from lost equipment

and a curious lack of gunpowder for

the starting cannons which rendered

the race-starts almost inaudible for

spectators. This added to the usual

1-Day Varsity loss for Cambridge at a rainy Lord’s

Nick Butler

Sport Reporter

The first of three Varsity matches

ended with a disappointing sevenwicket

defeat for Cambridge.

With captain Paddy Sadler choosing

from the same core of players that

enjoyed a 17-run victory in last year’s

fixture, hopes were high of a repeat

performance. Yet, as the Light Blues

floundered at 0-1 after four successive

maidens, it appeared a tall order.

The overcast and windy conditions

were producing plenty of seam

movement down the famous

Lords slope, and with their pacemen

and agile close fielders in

full flight, Oxford were reaping

the benefits of winning the toss.

Cambridge were 13-2 after 10

overs with Alex Hearne and Nipuna

Senaratne each being dismissed by

first day carnage resulting from

inexperienced and mismatched crews

blocking up the river after bumping

out. The racing became shrouded in

controversy after an unidentified boat

killed two ducklings and the racing

was further delayed as attempts were

made to clear waterfowl from the river.

Day 2 saw more early chaos and a

highly unusual situation in the W3

division. There was confusion near

the start of the race and the resulting

technical decisions awarded a rowover

to Selwyn W2. This led to the

almost unheard-of consequence of

a “one-and-a-half overbump” by

Magdalene W2, who rose five places

on Thursday on their way to Blades.

By Friday, the sun had returned to

the riverside and the rowing action

was heating up accordingly. Clare

W1, having already bumped on the

first two days, faced their toughest

challenge so far in catching a Jesus

Cambridge 153-7

Oxford 89-3

Oxford win by 7 wickets (D/L)

the impressive Frederick Johnson,

and they continued to score at

a rate alien to those brought up

on a diet of Twenty20 cricket. As

every run brought cheers from the

Light-Blue supporters, Cambridge

just appeared to be getting going

when they suffered a double-blow.

Paul Best trapped leg before for

32 and Akbar Ansari, out caught

for 7 as Oxford’s spinners proved

just as dangerous as their quickies.

Once again, the batsman showed

plenty of fight as the left and right

handed combination of Tom

Elliot and Matthew Hickey began

to rebuild, with a lofted six by

Elliot the highlight of the innings.

The wickets, however, continued

crew who were themselves snapping

at the heels of Downing for the

headship. The three boats tussled

almost the entire length of the course

before Clare secured a dramatic bump

on Jesus just metres from the finish

line – when news filtered back to

Grassy Corner the Clare fans amassed

there erupted into celebration.

“This excitement

soon turned

to hushed


This excitement soon turned to

hushed bemusement as the Caius

M1 crew who had looked imperious

in the opening two days came to a

halt and were caught by Downing.

It quickly transpired that this

to fall. Hickey had a rush of blood

and was caught on the boundary

for 23, before new man Ben Wylie

was dismissed for 0. At that point,

the rain fell and the players sprinted

for the dressing room in a routine

which was to become all too familiar.

This first shower proved temporary

and the players were soon back out

to be greeted by a RAF flypast for the

Queen’s birthday. Suitably inspired

Elliott continued his fine innings,

driving Oxford captain Sam Agarwal

for successive boundaries and

eventually departing for 62 off 92 balls.

With the batsmen treading water

both metaphorically and literally,

the rain fell again. The innings

was halted at 158-8 off 46 overs

and an early lunch was taken.

It was imperative that Cambridge

made a good start in the field.

Captain Sadler and Thomas Probert

theatrical twist was caused by a

rudder failure on the Caius boat.

Downing M1’s position in the top

spot was to last less than 24 hours

however, as they were closed almost

from the start of Saturday’s race by

a Caius crew determined to make

amends, with the headship sealed on

the Plough reach. Coxswain Jon Dean

commented: “We were a little worried

by the equipment failure on Friday, but

were grateful that it hadn’t happened

on Saturday and we had the

opportunity to reclaim the headship.

It’s been a successful - and unique -

bumps and we are glad to have had

so much support from our alumni

and friends.” Churchill secured their

position as winners of the Pegasus

Cup for the most successful Club

in emphatic style as all five of their

crews moved up on the final day.

Yet the final word has to go to Clare

W1 – the sense of anticipation before

produced plenty of bounce and

pace in conditions which remained

treacherous, and favourable for

bowlers. Yet, in comparison with

Oxford’s flawless effort, some sloppy

fielding, including a dropped catch

in the covers, let Cambridge down.

The batsmen were

treading water


and literally”

Oxford were on 25-0 after six overs

when the rain fell again and after a two

hour delay, the innings was reduced to

20 overs with a revised target of 89.

First change bowler Alisdair Pollock

eventually made the breakthrough

when Elliot held a fine catch to

the final womens’ race was palpable

and a sizeable crowd gathered

expectantly on the Long Reach to

watch the dramatic finale play out

live. They were not disappointed.

Clare and Downing opened up a large

lead on the crews behind and by the

time the two boats emerged onto the

final stretch the gap between them

was visibly closing. The decisive bump

came close to the railway bridge and it

meant that the Clare crew had claimed

the sweetest of victories; double Blades

for moving up every day on their way

to the top of the 2013 final standings.

Captain Rachel Boyd reflected:

“We were, and still are, ecstatic about

our achievement in Bumps - not only

in reclaiming the Mays Headship

for the first time in 33 years but by

blading to it in the process. What

better way to celebrate the 40th

anniversary of the admission

of women to our college!”

dismiss Ben Jeffery. Yet with dark

clouds still looming ominously,

Oxford’s pair of Agarwal and Kennedy

set about their target with relish.

Kennedy in particular launched a

beautiful cut for four before another

via an audacious reverse sweep,

and the game was effectively over.

Cambridge did take two further

wickets: Agarwal dismissed for 16

before Ben Wylie made amends for a

disappointing match with an excellent

take to dismiss Williams. Yet the

winning runs were never far away and,

in a fashion rather befitting an anticlimatic

contest, they arrived via a wide

with 22 balls still to spare. Kennedy

was the star with his unbeaten 43.

With the women’s match

abandoned due to the weather,

Cambridge will now hope for

better fortunes at this afternoon’s

Twenty20 Varsity match at Fenners.

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