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Encouraging Men to Change The Long Road Back from Abuse By Rob Okun • Voice Male M ake no mistake. There is no excuse, ever, for anyone—male or female—to abuse another human being. It’s also true that most men don’t act abusively. Still, too many men do, and their behavior has a ripple effect—violence in the home is directly connected to violence in the world. That understanding guides the work of a growing number of men’s centers and initiatives around the U.S. and the world, including Voice Male’s publisher, the Men’s Resource Center for Change (MRC). It explains why this growing coalition believes domestic abuse is a men’s issue, a fathers’ issue, a coaches’ and teachers’ issue. Men have a lot to gain from taking the issue on. Every week in pockets around the U.S., programs like the MRC’s Moving Forward run groups for men who’ve acted abusively. These groups, often co-led by a man and a woman, teach practical strategies the men can employ as an alternative to lashing out. Participants come mandated by the court or “voluntarily”—some of the latter have been urged to enroll by an at-her-wits’-end partner, a therapist, a relative or friend. It is demanding work, and progress is slow. How could it be otherwise—undoing 30 or 40 years of ingrained behaviors in 30 or 40 weeks? But the rewards are priceless. I remember a man in one of the groups I led I’ll call “Jimmy” who, besides being emotionally abusive to his wife, was also physically abusing his teenage son. One night, in the group, Jimmy had a memory come back to him, strong and clear. “I was seven and a bigger kid would terrorize me after school, choking me,” he shared. “My dad used to pick me up but usually he’d arrive after the bully had left. I was too ashamed to tell him what “My dad yelled to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’ That was what I was taught. That’s why I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of my son. Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed up my thinking has been?” was happening, afraid of what he’d say. One day he came early and witnessed the bully grabbing me around the neck. When he let me go, instead of comforting me, my father glared and said, ‘Go back and hit him! Knock him down. Let him have it!’ Even though he was bigger, I was full of adrenaline and fear, so I knocked the bully down and got on top of him and whaled away. My dad yelled to me—and I’ll never forget it—‘Push his face in the ground. Make him eat dirt!’” At that moment, Jimmy began to shake and the tears came. All eyes in the group were on him. When his sobbing had subsided, he looked up and said, “That was what I was taught. That’s why I think it’s okay to beat the crap out of my son.” And then he said quietly, “Why did it take 37 years before I realized how screwed up my thinking has been?” Of the hundreds of men who have come through our program, most do stop their physical violence. Some come to understand the damage their emotional and verbal abuse causes and learn to curb it. Sadly, some take little away from the tool kit of strategies we offer. Over the years, former members have written us letters of appreciation. Some have been ordered back or have voluntarily returned to the program. In a few instances, they have written stories for Voice Male. In the Spring 2005 issue, Jake Asbin, a man serving a 12-month jail sentence on a domestic assault and battery charge, wrote remorsefully about abusing his wife of 12 years and his “stupidity” in throwing “away a comfortable…happy lifestyle.” He asked: “How could I resort to being violent instead of knowing how to communicate my anger? How did I allow my anger to consume me? Why did I hurt the one person who mattered so much to me?” “I guess I’m seeking redemption,” he continued. “I hope so—I have quite a lot to atone for…I have learned and appreciated the [Moving Forward group] the most…I guess every man dreams of a second chance. I hope I will get that chance someday, when I finally forgive myself. Until that happens, however, I must always take full responsibility for what I did.” In November, hundreds of people who work with men acting abusively in programs around the United States and abroad will convene in Detroit for a major batterers’ intervention conference. What they have come to understand is that the road back from abuse and toward accountability is arduous, long and winding. But those who have walked it for decades now know that it’s a journey worth taking. VM Rob Okun is executive director of the Men’s Resource Center for Change and the editor of Voice Male. A version of this column originally appeared in the September issue of The Women’s Times. 12
Saying Yes to Nonviolence I am a male anthropologist teaching at a university in Sendai, Japan, a northern city on the island of Honshu. I am married and have a son. I have been actively involved in the Japanese grassroots movement confronting domestic violence and other forms of violence against women for some time. Violence against women is as rampant in Japan as in the United States. Like many of you reading this, no doubt, I was forced by my feminist friends to confront male perpetrators of violence: “After all,” they said, “you are a man too, aren’t you? Do something about those violent guys!” Partly as a result, I took a four-day course on counseling batterers at Emerge in Cambridge, Mass., in 2001, and have been in regular touch with the Men’s Resource Center for Change for more than three years now. Recently, I had to help my son write an essay on peace. We went on the Internet and found out that the United Nations had declared 2001–2010 as the International Decade for a Culture of Peace and Non-violence for the children of the world. UNESCO is mainly in charge of the related activities, and they are calling for people to sign Manifesto 2000 for a culture of peace and nonviolence, a six-point pledge drafted by a group of Nobel Peace Prize recipients. The six key points of the Manifesto are: Looking to Connect? Try the MRC’s Drop-in MEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men. Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St. IN AMHERST Open to all men. Sundays, 7-9 PM at the MRC Respect all life Reject violence Share with others Listen to understand Preserve the planet Rediscover solidarity It is so ironic—no, tragic—that the decade for peace and nonviolence started with September 11, 2001, and the subsequent retaliatory violence by the United States and its allies (including Japan). And halfway through this decade, we have seen nothing but violence on a global scale. We have to do something to change the global culture of violence to a culture of peace, but how can we do so if we grow up in violent families? Nurturing and fostering a culture of peace must begin in our homes, and that means we have to do something about abuse in our homes. This may be no suprise to American readers of Voice Male, but it’s real fresh news here in Japan. My son and I both signed the Manifesto. I think it’s a good start. Now we have to keep the six pledges in our home, our neighborhood, our country, and beyond. I would like to invite you to do the same. Manifesto 2000 was publicly unveiled on March 4, 1999, in Paris, and has been signed by many people around the world, including such luminaries as the Dalai Lama, Rigoberta Menchu, Elie Wiesel, Desmond Tutu, Vaclav Havel, and Coretta Scott King. To add your signature and your support and for more information on this important document, visit the UNESCO website (http://www3.unesco.org/iycp/uk/uk_sommaire.htm). —Ichiro Numazaki IN GREENFIELD Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Building, Mohawk Trail FOR GAY, BISEXUAL & QUESTIONING MEN Open to all gay, bisexual, gay-identified F-to-M trans men & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE Open to all men who have experienced any form of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional or sexual) Fridays, 7-8:30 PM, at the MRC FACILITATED BY TRAINED VOLUNTEERS FREE & CONFIDENTIAL MEN’S RESOURCE CENTER 236 N. PLEASANT ST., AMHERST (413) 253-9887, ext. 10 aarnaboldi@mrcforchange.org FALL 2005 • 13
Page 1 and 2: New Visions of Manhood Voice Male T
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