December 2014 - UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST
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<strong>UNCLE</strong> <strong>ANDY’S</strong> <strong>DIGEST</strong><br />
The Most Unusual Digest in America<br />
The Best<br />
Things in<br />
Life are...<br />
FREE<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
Winter is HERE!<br />
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Sir Lancelot once had a very bad dream about his horse. It was a knight mare.<br />
How to Tell if<br />
You're a Grinch<br />
Submitted by WEP<br />
• You reuse last year's<br />
Christmas cards and<br />
send them out under<br />
your own name.<br />
• You steal light bulbs<br />
from you neighbor's outdoor<br />
display to replenish<br />
your own supply.<br />
• You have dressed a dog<br />
or cat as Santa Claus,<br />
elf helper, or reindeer. If<br />
you dressed an endangered<br />
species, that’s<br />
even better!<br />
• You put out last year's<br />
stale candy canes for<br />
children.<br />
• You enclose a shoddy<br />
and inferior gift from<br />
Target, Walmart, or<br />
K-Mart in an L.L. Bean<br />
or other prestige box to<br />
impress your friends.<br />
• You make collect long<br />
distance phone calls to<br />
your family on Christmas<br />
day.<br />
• At the office Christmas<br />
party, you horde huge<br />
stockpiles of goodies for<br />
later consumption at<br />
home.<br />
• After an invitation to a<br />
friend's house, you bring<br />
a commercially produced<br />
fruitcake and try<br />
to pass it off as home<br />
made.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
2<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south<br />
for the winter.<br />
MODERN WOODMEN<br />
OF AMERICA<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
Wednesday, Dec 3rd<br />
Grid Iron 4pm – 7pm<br />
(Chapter 14346)<br />
1567 Lisbon St. Lewiston<br />
$7 Member; $8 Guest<br />
Sunday, Dec 7th<br />
Flagship Cinema<br />
(Chapter 10589)<br />
Lewiston/Auburn<br />
$3.50 Member; $5 Guest<br />
Sunday, Dec 7th<br />
Sabattus American Legion<br />
Breakfast 7:30 – 10am<br />
Island Rd, Sabattus<br />
$5 Member; $6 Guest<br />
Tuesday, Dec 9th<br />
Sam’s Noon – 7pm<br />
(Chapter 12749)<br />
Marketplace Mall, Lewiston<br />
$2.50 Member; $4.50 Guest<br />
Wednesday, Dec 17th<br />
Rolly’s Diner 7am – 10am<br />
(Chapter 12907)<br />
87 Mill St, Auburn<br />
$3 Member; $4 Guest<br />
Thursday, Dec 18th<br />
Schemengees 4pm – 7 pm<br />
(Chapter 14437)<br />
551 Lincoln St, Lewiston<br />
$7 Member; $9 Guest<br />
Dick Courtemanche<br />
207-786-3622<br />
Lewiston<br />
Art Chamberlain<br />
207-514-7003<br />
Lewiston<br />
Paul Colasante*<br />
207-782-8823<br />
Lewiston<br />
Michael Courtemanche*<br />
207-783-8921<br />
Lewiston<br />
Tuesday, Dec 30th<br />
Roy’s 4pm – 7pm<br />
(Chapter 8609)<br />
Washington St, Auburn<br />
$2.50 Member; $4 Guest<br />
Forest Cluff*<br />
207-725-4606<br />
Brunswick<br />
Ron Ouellette*<br />
207-786-3612<br />
Lewiston<br />
Kim Pelkey*<br />
207-786-2573<br />
Lewiston/Norway<br />
*Registered representative. Securities offered through MWA Financial Services Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Modern Woodmen of America. Member: FINRA, SIPC.<br />
Be naughty – save Santa the trip.<br />
Deb Wagemann*<br />
207-783-8804<br />
Auburn<br />
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-<br />
TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED<br />
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to change. If<br />
additional info is needed, please call our office,<br />
please do not call restaurants. All activities can<br />
only be attended at the times listed.<br />
*************************<br />
Tickets need to be purchased at the<br />
Modern Woodmen District Office,<br />
184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all<br />
activities and can only be picked up the<br />
week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs<br />
9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon<br />
(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 3
<strong>UNCLE</strong> <strong>ANDY’S</strong> <strong>DIGEST</strong><br />
is published by the first<br />
Friday of every month by<br />
Maine Mountain Ocean<br />
Group, Inc. with offices at<br />
9 Grove Street, Auburn, ME.<br />
It is distributed free throughout<br />
Central Maine and mailed<br />
to subscribers all over the<br />
world. Subscriptions are<br />
$30/year. Send a $30 check<br />
made out to<br />
<strong>UNCLE</strong> <strong>ANDY’S</strong> <strong>DIGEST</strong> to:<br />
P.O. Box 3363,<br />
Auburn, ME 04212<br />
Staff<br />
JIMBO<br />
First in the Oven<br />
TIM<br />
Brace the Bank<br />
MAGGIE<br />
Facebook Fan<br />
THOMAS<br />
Forty-Something<br />
PAM<br />
Perfectly Posh<br />
GENE-O<br />
Driving Ms. Daisy<br />
<strong>UNCLE</strong> <strong>ANDY’S</strong> <strong>DIGEST</strong><br />
MAILING ADDRESS:<br />
PO Box 3363<br />
Auburn, ME 04212<br />
EMAIL: editor@UncleAndys.com<br />
PHONE: 207 783-7039<br />
FAX: 207 777-3898<br />
UncleAndysDigest.com<br />
Why does Christmas come when the stores are always so crowded?<br />
SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />
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• All work done in house,<br />
including metal frameworks<br />
Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!<br />
We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted<br />
We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider<br />
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SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />
801 Webster Street, Lewiston<br />
514-0660<br />
SmileAgainDentures.com<br />
Or email us at:<br />
smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />
Mike & Joe<br />
Adkins,<br />
licensed<br />
denturists<br />
While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very hard to<br />
ensure the accuracy of the information in our<br />
client’s advertisements and our publication in<br />
general, we are not responsible for vendor<br />
availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,<br />
product pricing errors, or omissions.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
4<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Tolkien enjoyed writing fairy tales so much it became a Hobbit.
Thomas to Jimbo: I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday;<br />
20% Thursday; 5% Friday.<br />
“Honey, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand!” – Homer Simpson<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 5
Out ’n About at<br />
Feztival of Trees at<br />
the Kora Temple<br />
in Lewiston<br />
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.<br />
Upscale Comfort Food and Home Style Hospitality<br />
in a Historically Distinct Setting.<br />
Our menu features a modern twist on<br />
traditional Lewiston & Auburn favorites,<br />
alongside innovative railroad inspired<br />
comfort food dishes.<br />
GRAND<br />
OPENING!<br />
<strong>December</strong> 10th<br />
• Locally Owned<br />
• Thoughtfully Sourced<br />
• Made from Scratch<br />
• Maine Craft Artisans<br />
103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston • 333-3070 • RailsMaine.com<br />
Monday - Thursday 11am - 9pm; Friday & Saturday 11am - 11pm; Sunday 10am - 2pm<br />
Jimbo to Maggie: Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.<br />
One of the dozens of<br />
Christmas trees expertly<br />
decorated.<br />
That new<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
sales guy is out ‘n about<br />
almost as much<br />
as I am!<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
6<br />
Chip Morrison<br />
Androscoggin Chamber<br />
President<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Santa Sighting<br />
at the Kora Temple’s<br />
Feztival of Trees<br />
I shouldn't have plugged my iPhone in in the kitchen. It's now in the sync.
The door just broke, I could fix it, but it hinges on other things.<br />
Mardi Gras style<br />
Barber Shop<br />
We Would Like To Thank Our Community<br />
for 27 Great Years With These Great Offers!<br />
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2010 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston • 782-1514 • premierpoolsandspas.com<br />
He was so skinny, his shoulder-blade kept cutting his shirts.<br />
Brian Bickford<br />
What sets Brian’s Barber<br />
Shop apart from others is its<br />
“traditional New Orleans”<br />
theme. The owner, Brian Bickford<br />
has lived in New Orleans<br />
where he at first earned a meager<br />
living as a street musician<br />
until receiving his cosmetology<br />
license in Louisiana. Brian acquired<br />
a great love for New Orleans<br />
culture during his time<br />
living there, and as a result decided<br />
to bring some of that culture<br />
back home with him to<br />
share with his customers.<br />
Upon entering Brian’s Barber<br />
Shop, one will immediately notice<br />
the traditional Mardi Gras<br />
Colors (green, gold and purple)<br />
that set the color scheme of the<br />
shop. On the walls are an assortment<br />
of Mardi Gras masks,<br />
posters, photos of Brian when<br />
in New Orleans as well as when<br />
he played saxophone in a rock<br />
band, plus his pride and joy, a<br />
ceramic alligator named<br />
“Coco”.<br />
Upon his discharge from the<br />
Navy in 1990, Brian used his GI<br />
bill to complete cosmetology<br />
school and has worked in that<br />
industry in Michigan, Louisiana,<br />
and Texas. Being that his true<br />
passion is for cutting hair, since<br />
moving back to Maine he attended<br />
barber college and obtained<br />
his barber license. Brian<br />
also holds an American Crew<br />
Method 01 certification and<br />
now offers a large variety of<br />
haircuts in today’s trendy styles<br />
for men!<br />
Brian’s Barber Shop is located<br />
at 1761 Lisbon Road (Beside<br />
the Elk’s Lodge) in<br />
Lewiston. Call 956-1793. Check<br />
out Brian’s Barber Shop on<br />
Facebook! See his ad on page<br />
30.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 7
Out ’n About with<br />
some local<br />
celebrities<br />
My carpenter came round the other day, and made the best entrance I have ever seen.<br />
Bah humbug!<br />
Rick Lachapelle<br />
Jeremy Caron<br />
Hi Shelby!<br />
Dr. David Baker<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
8<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
You know what I find odd? Numbers that aren't divisible by 2.
How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?<br />
Two, the light bulb you remove & the light bulb you replace it with.<br />
PICK UP ’N GO FOODS AT DAD’S PLACE<br />
Let us make your party EASY!<br />
Platters<br />
• Finger Roll<br />
• Sandwich<br />
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• Veggie<br />
• Fresh Fruit<br />
• Wraps<br />
• Dessert<br />
Lasagna •<br />
Baked Ziti •<br />
Shepherd’s Pie •<br />
Chicken Pot Pie •<br />
Pasta Salads •<br />
Meatballs •<br />
Smoked Pulled •<br />
Pork •<br />
Wings •<br />
Baked Boneless •<br />
Chicken Breast •<br />
And Much More! Ask Dad for a menu!!<br />
Please allow 24 hours notice for cold pick-up, 48 for hot<br />
We Carry a Large Selections of Beer Wines & Liquors<br />
Bacardi Light Bailey’s Jim Beam Kahlua Mr Boston<br />
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Check Out Our Daily Specials & Over 200 Menu Items to Choose From!<br />
Family<br />
Trees<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
A little girl asked her<br />
mother, “How did the<br />
human race appear?”<br />
The mother answered,<br />
“God made Adam and<br />
Eve and they had children<br />
and so was all<br />
mankind made.”<br />
Two days later the girl<br />
asked her father the<br />
same question. The father<br />
answered, “Many<br />
years ago there were<br />
monkeys from which<br />
the human race<br />
evolved.”<br />
The confused girl returned<br />
to her mother<br />
and said, “Mom, how is<br />
it possible that you told<br />
me the human race<br />
was created by God,<br />
and Dad said they<br />
developed from<br />
monkeys?”<br />
The mother answered,<br />
"Well, dear, it is very<br />
simple. I told you about<br />
my side of the family<br />
and your father told<br />
you about his.”<br />
There’s NO PLACE like...<br />
See our coupons<br />
on the “Just Darn<br />
Good Deals” page<br />
Dad’s Place<br />
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info<br />
I put deodorant on one armpit only... I don't smell half bad.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 9
Change<br />
The following words<br />
were written on the<br />
tomb of an Anglican<br />
bishop in the crypts of<br />
Westminster Abbey:<br />
When I was young and<br />
free and my imagination<br />
had no limits, I<br />
dreamed of changing<br />
the world. As I grew<br />
older and wiser, I discovered<br />
the world<br />
would not change, so I<br />
shortened my sights<br />
somewhat and decided<br />
to change only my<br />
country.<br />
But it too seemed<br />
immovable.<br />
As I grew into my twilight<br />
years, in one last<br />
desperate attempt, I<br />
settled for changing<br />
only family, those closest<br />
to me, but alas,<br />
they would have none<br />
of it.<br />
And now as I lay on my<br />
deathbed, I suddenly<br />
realize if I had only<br />
changed myself first,<br />
then by example I<br />
would have changed<br />
my family.<br />
From their inspiration<br />
and encouragement, I<br />
would then have been<br />
able to better my country<br />
and, who knows, I<br />
may have even<br />
changed the world.<br />
– Author Unknown<br />
A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though,<br />
because nobody likes a smart-ass.<br />
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Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
10<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child<br />
playing with matches.
Did you hear about the limo driver who worked for 25 years without one customer?<br />
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.<br />
FLOORING & KITCHEN<br />
782-0831<br />
Mon. - Fri. 8am - 5pm<br />
Sat. 8am - 4pm<br />
675 Main Street, Lewiston • ShermArnolds.com<br />
10% OFF<br />
All Kitchen Cabinets & Countertops!<br />
’Tis the Season to Remodel Your Kitchen!<br />
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!<br />
Our<br />
NEW OUTLET STORE<br />
My son seems to think my money and my energy are both renewable resources.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 11
Out ’n About at<br />
Heidi’s Brooklyn<br />
Deli in Auburn<br />
Ladies and gentlemen, I have made a decision. That’s it. Just thought you should know.<br />
It doesn’t happen every day.<br />
Brent!<br />
Wake up!!<br />
Kirstie Acker<br />
Huh, what?!<br />
Oh, it’s time to<br />
make the<br />
donuts!<br />
Brent Cary<br />
Husband: A man who<br />
buys his football tickets<br />
four months in advance<br />
and waits until the 24th<br />
of <strong>December</strong> to do his<br />
Christmas shopping.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
12<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies.
All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do.<br />
Honesty. Tenacity. Courage.<br />
Realistic Solutions for Your Legal Needs!<br />
Ask About Home Visits!<br />
We specialize in:<br />
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The Law Offices of<br />
Kimberly A. Levesque, Esq.<br />
207-440-2130<br />
87 Essex Street,<br />
Lewiston<br />
Call for your FREE<br />
consultation!<br />
If you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.<br />
Out ’n About at Sea 40 on Halloween<br />
Downsizing<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
The recent announcement<br />
that Donner and<br />
Blitzen have elected to<br />
take the early retirement<br />
package has triggered<br />
a good deal of<br />
concern about whether<br />
they will be replaced,<br />
and about other<br />
restructuring decisions<br />
at the North Pole.<br />
Streamlining is due to<br />
the North Pole’s loss of<br />
dominance of this season’s<br />
gift distribution<br />
business. Home shopping<br />
channels, the Internet,<br />
and mail order<br />
catalogs have diminished<br />
Santa’s market<br />
share. He could not sit<br />
idly by and permit further<br />
erosion of profits.<br />
The downsizing was<br />
made possible through<br />
the purchase of a late<br />
model Japanese sled<br />
for the CEO’s annual<br />
trip. Improved productivity<br />
from Dasher and<br />
Dancer–who will retrain<br />
at the Harvard<br />
Business School is<br />
anticipated.<br />
Reduction in reindeer<br />
will lessen airborne environmental<br />
emissions<br />
for which the North<br />
Pole has received unfavorable<br />
press.<br />
I am pleased to inform<br />
you that Rudolph’s role<br />
will not be disturbed.<br />
Tradition still counts for<br />
something at the North<br />
Pole.<br />
I yelled at Santa and he gave me a spanking and put me in the naughty chair.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 13
Out ’n About at<br />
Heidi’s Brooklyn<br />
Deli in Auburn<br />
I wonder what<br />
Michele will get me<br />
for Christmas?<br />
Tim to Jimbo: I've reached the age where “happy hour” is a nap.<br />
Pick a Proven Winner<br />
Choosing a Real Estate Agent can be difficult.<br />
Choose one with a proven track record!<br />
Rollie Heckethorn<br />
Office: 729-7297<br />
Cell: 344-0007<br />
Rollie Heckethorn:<br />
• Licensed in Real Estate since 1988<br />
• Past President of the Androscoggin<br />
Board of Realtors<br />
• <strong>2014</strong> AVBOR Realtor of the Year<br />
• Assisting buyers & sellers of residential,<br />
commercial & investment properties all<br />
over the state of Maine<br />
Karleigh Eccles<br />
Karleigh,<br />
we’re supposed to get<br />
the boss lady a gift.<br />
Now let’s focus<br />
here!<br />
Winter is coming, get your vehicle ready!<br />
Call for your appointment...<br />
782-5500 Towing Discounts<br />
with shop repairs<br />
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Body Work • Collision Repairs • Complete Re-sprays • Custom Paint<br />
& More!<br />
FINALLY!<br />
845 Washington St., Northbound in Auburn<br />
777-3339<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
14<br />
BreAnna Witten<br />
The junior librarian was<br />
reincarnated as a bookmark<br />
because he always<br />
knew his place.<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
REMOTE STARTERS<br />
216 Center Street, Auburn Next to Republic Jewelry, Parking in back of building<br />
soundeffectsmaine.com<br />
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.
How is soy sauce black and soy milk white when soybeans are green?<br />
Merry Christmas &<br />
Happy New Year!<br />
Don’t spend $18 + at the<br />
beauty salon, get your...<br />
Mens & Boys CUTS for<br />
All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.<br />
Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts<br />
Marcel’s<br />
Barber Shop<br />
54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444<br />
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm<br />
$<br />
12<br />
Out ’n About at<br />
Heidi’s Brooklyn<br />
Deli in Auburn<br />
See what<br />
I have to deal<br />
with?<br />
Going Out of Business Sale!<br />
Everything Must Go!<br />
Super Deals on All Remaining Ready-Made<br />
Frames, Prints, Matte Board and More!<br />
Equipment & Supplies, Too!<br />
23 Cross Street, Auburn • 786-4333<br />
WINTER SCHEDULE<br />
School Vacation Skate:<br />
Dec. 23 rd & 30th 1:30 - 4pm<br />
Closed Christmas & New Year’s Day<br />
Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm<br />
Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00<br />
Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm<br />
Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm<br />
Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm<br />
Available for private parties<br />
Call Today!<br />
or Stop In<br />
Fridays & Saturdays 10am-4pm<br />
Rollodrome<br />
Where<br />
Good Skaters<br />
Meet<br />
Merry<br />
Christmas!<br />
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.<br />
50%<br />
OFF<br />
Since 1954<br />
12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940<br />
www.rollodrome.com<br />
Becky Davis<br />
Reflecting<br />
after celebrating our<br />
8th Anniversary...<br />
We still have fun!<br />
Michele Tribou<br />
I don't like the tops of<br />
stairs. They always<br />
bring me down.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 15
Riddle Me This<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
You are driving in a car<br />
at a constant speed.<br />
On your left hand side<br />
there is a valley and on<br />
your right hand side<br />
there is a fire engine<br />
travelling at the same<br />
speed as you.<br />
I don't know what it is either, but it was on sale.<br />
You’ll LOVE Our Rates!<br />
Low Rates • Fast Approval • Great Terms<br />
In front of you there is<br />
a galloping pig which is<br />
the same size as your<br />
car and you cannot<br />
overtake it.<br />
Behind you there is a<br />
helicopter flying at<br />
ground level. Both the<br />
giant pig and the helicopter<br />
are travelling at<br />
the same speed as<br />
you.<br />
What must you do to<br />
safely get out of this<br />
highly dangerous<br />
situation?<br />
Don’t Let The Grinch<br />
Steal Your Holiday!<br />
Call Dane, Ken<br />
or Michele<br />
today!<br />
Answer: Get off the<br />
merry-go-round!<br />
Office Party<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Myra was going to the<br />
Christmas office party<br />
but needed a new<br />
party dress.<br />
In the clothing store<br />
she asked, “May I try<br />
on that dress in the<br />
window, please?”<br />
“Certainly not, miss,”<br />
responded the salesgirl,<br />
“You'll have to use<br />
the fitting room like<br />
everyone else.”<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
16<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Great Falls<br />
Federal Credit Union<br />
34 Bates Street, Lewiston • 782-7192<br />
760 Minot Ave, Auburn • 753-0500<br />
*Restrictions & qualification apply<br />
www.GreatFallsfcu.com<br />
Panic is like stress with boundary issues.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.<br />
Season’s Greetings<br />
Family Friendly Dentist<br />
~ Right in Your Backyard ~<br />
Serving Poland & Surrounding Areas Since 1997<br />
Accepting<br />
New Patients!<br />
James F. Weigand, DDS<br />
General Dentistry<br />
364 Maine Street<br />
Poland Spring • 998-4587<br />
(Located at the Poland Community Health Center<br />
at the Corner of Rt. 26 & 122)<br />
Monday - Thursday 8am - 5pm<br />
Most Insurances Accepted<br />
“I stopped believing in<br />
Santa Claus when I<br />
was six. Mother took<br />
me to see him in a<br />
department store and<br />
he asked for my<br />
autograph.”<br />
– Shirley Temple<br />
It’s almost 11PM here and I’m still not rich.<br />
Weird.<br />
Season’s<br />
Greetings<br />
from<br />
My BFF is a Bowl of Fattening Food.<br />
THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS<br />
1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave,<br />
Auburn<br />
784-8587 or (888) 895-6801<br />
AndroscogginOrtho.com<br />
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.<br />
A Full Service Salon<br />
1117 Center St., Auburn<br />
(behind Met Life) • 784-3522<br />
People say I'm lazy. I say I'm at peace with the world.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 17
My doctor is worried about my blood pressure. I told him, next time, don't leave me sitting<br />
in the waiting room for 2 hours.<br />
134 Main St., Auburn<br />
376-3376<br />
Authorized<br />
Service<br />
Center<br />
Gift Certificate<br />
www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com<br />
Main St. Music Lessons<br />
& Instrument Repair<br />
Give the Gift of Music<br />
GIFT CERTIFICATES AVAILABLE!<br />
Qualified<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Jake had proposed to<br />
young Gina, and was<br />
being interviewed by<br />
his prospective fatherin-law.<br />
“Do you think<br />
you are earning<br />
enough to support a<br />
family?” the older man<br />
asked the suitor.<br />
“Yes, Sir,” replied Jake,<br />
“I’m sure I am.”<br />
“Think carefully now,”<br />
said Gina’s father.<br />
“There are twelve of<br />
us…”<br />
Why adopt a highway? I already drive like I own the road.<br />
NOW A STATE INSPECTION STATION!<br />
ANY MAKE... ANY MODEL...<br />
ANY PROBLEM...<br />
NO PROBLEM!<br />
• Appointments required<br />
• Fully warranteed & certified<br />
• $60/hr labor rate<br />
Brad’s Precision Auto<br />
144 Riverside Dr., Auburn<br />
333-0364<br />
Merry<br />
Christmas!<br />
Front Row L to R: Mallory & Dan<br />
Middle Row: Penny, Marek, John, Eli & Gavin<br />
Back Row: Sarah, Brad, Ryan & Steve<br />
I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.<br />
Come see us<br />
at our<br />
NEW Location!<br />
We’re now at<br />
61 Mill Street in Auburn<br />
(in the old Pontbriand<br />
Hardware building)<br />
61 Mill Street, Auburn • 783-6927 or 1-800-834-5706<br />
Mon-Fri 7:30-5:30 • Sat. 8-4 • MySelco.com<br />
Our Gift to You<br />
ONE FREE DRUM LESSON!! *<br />
*<br />
with your first month of drum lessons<br />
786-6861<br />
25 Mary St., Lewiston<br />
Now<br />
Accepting<br />
New Students<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
18<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
My retirement plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Me: Who's a good boy? Dog: I thought we settled this.<br />
*Holiday Special*<br />
Ship Any Bakery Item to Family & Friends<br />
& Receive 20% OFF Your Online Orders!<br />
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!<br />
Must<br />
Use Code:<br />
UncleAndys<br />
Every Friday<br />
Buy 1 dozen donuts at regular price ( $ 7.50)<br />
and get the 2nd dozen at half price!<br />
$<br />
11.25 for both<br />
Take Home For<br />
The Holidays Our Famous<br />
Mini Pastry Platters<br />
$<br />
17/2 dozen<br />
$<br />
39/5 dozen<br />
Mon.<br />
6am-noon<br />
Tues-Fri<br />
6am-3pm<br />
161 Lincoln St. • Lewiston<br />
784-7042<br />
LabadiesBakery.com<br />
Your opinion is very important to me, please remain on the line until it goes to voicemail.<br />
Feeding Time<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
It was a cold and misty<br />
Christmas morning in<br />
the very depth of winter<br />
after a heavy fall of<br />
snow and only one<br />
farmer and the minister<br />
managed to arrive at the<br />
church for the morning<br />
service. “Well”, said the<br />
clergyman “'I guess<br />
there's no point in having<br />
a service today.”<br />
I have a new<br />
found respect for<br />
the Massachusetts<br />
Police Dept.<br />
Thank you<br />
ENPRO Services<br />
for the tickets,<br />
they were amazing<br />
seats!<br />
Great seats!<br />
Thanks, dad!!<br />
“Well that's not how I<br />
see it,” said the farmer.<br />
“If only one cow turns up<br />
at feeding time, I still<br />
feed it.”<br />
Ireland, Jason & Aiden Hall<br />
at Gillette Stadium for a Patriots game<br />
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 19
Opposites<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
I don’t know which I’m asking my son to change more, his attitude or his underwear.<br />
A family had twin boys<br />
whose only resemblance<br />
to each other was their<br />
looks. If one felt it was<br />
too hot, the other<br />
thought it was too cold. If<br />
one said the TV was too<br />
loud, the other claimed<br />
the volume needed to be<br />
turned up. Opposite in<br />
every way, one was an<br />
eternal optimist, the<br />
other a doom and gloom<br />
pessimist.<br />
Just to see what would<br />
happen, at Christmas<br />
time their father loaded<br />
the pessimist's room<br />
with every imaginable<br />
toy and game. The optimist's<br />
room he loaded<br />
with horse manure.<br />
That night the father<br />
passed by the pessimist's<br />
room and found<br />
him sitting amid his new<br />
gifts crying bitterly.<br />
"Why are you crying?"<br />
the father asked.<br />
Merry Christmas from all of us!<br />
M<br />
SABATTUS<br />
MAIN STREET MARKET<br />
For take-out, groceries, fresh meats, cold beer & more!<br />
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502<br />
OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm<br />
“Try us once,<br />
you’ll be a regular!”<br />
$<br />
3 OFF<br />
ANY LARGE PIZZA!<br />
Limit one per customer<br />
(UAD) Expires 12.31.14<br />
I use single quotes instead of double quotes because I only mean half of what I say.<br />
Congratulations to Oak Hill High School<br />
Back to Back Class D State Champs!<br />
"Because my friends will<br />
be jealous, I'll have to<br />
read all these instructions<br />
before I can do<br />
anything with this stuff,<br />
I'll constantly need batteries,<br />
and my toys will<br />
eventually get broken."<br />
answered the pessimist<br />
twin.<br />
Passing the optimist<br />
twin's room, the father<br />
found him dancing for<br />
joy in the pile of manure.<br />
"What are you so happy<br />
about?" he asked.<br />
To which his optimist<br />
twin replied, "There's got<br />
to be a pony in here<br />
somewhere!"<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
20<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
I would have brought change if I had known that the road to success was a toll road.
Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree<br />
and eat candy out of your socks?<br />
Out ’n About at<br />
Androscoggin<br />
Orthodontics<br />
We like<br />
to make a great<br />
first impression<br />
Brandy<br />
(warrior princess)<br />
& Doreen<br />
(impression whisperer)<br />
Clinical Assistants<br />
Breaking up is hard to do. Have to unfriend, de-Google+, ex-Pinterest, unfollow, de-list,<br />
uninstagram, and LinkOut.<br />
WINTER WELLNESS<br />
Purchase a Package during the month of <strong>December</strong> & Kick off your<br />
2015 with SPRQ! Wellness Packages run January thru April!<br />
Logistically<br />
speaking, my job is<br />
all in the details.<br />
NEW<br />
LOCATION<br />
FITNESS<br />
Package #1<br />
6-1 hour Personal Training Sessions + Meal/Pantry<br />
assessment, a personal guide through 15 day Winter<br />
Wellness Detox, including a foot detox & Reiki Session<br />
& six 15 min. Infrared Sauna visits<br />
All for only $ 300<br />
Package #2<br />
4-1 hour Individualized One-on-One Sessions +<br />
Meal/Pantry assessment, foot detox & Reiki Session &<br />
six 15 min. Infrared Sauna visits<br />
All for only $175<br />
181 Sabattus Road, Sabattus • 375-6000 • SPRQStudio.com<br />
Nikki<br />
Logistics Administrator<br />
A nice box of chocolates<br />
provide your total<br />
daily intake of calories<br />
in one place. Isn't that<br />
handy?<br />
My son has been playing a popular trading game at school. It’s called the Cold and Flu.<br />
Why can’t he just play soccer like other kids?<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 21
Ouellette<br />
Promoted<br />
I’m dating the girl across the street. I know what people say, but honestly, lawn distance<br />
relationships aren't that hard.<br />
Winter Hours: Mon. - Sun 9am - 10pm<br />
Catherine Ouellette<br />
Community Credit<br />
Union is pleased to announce<br />
the promotion of Catherine<br />
Ouellette to Card Services Coordinator<br />
from New Accounts<br />
Representative/Operations<br />
Support. Ouellette has been<br />
with Community Credit Union<br />
for three years.<br />
She participates in various<br />
Credit Union events such as<br />
the Heart Walk and Community<br />
Recycle Day. In her free<br />
time Ouellette enjoys fourwheeling.<br />
She currently lives<br />
in Auburn.<br />
Community Credit Union is<br />
a member-owned, full service<br />
financial institution that has<br />
been serving its members and<br />
Androscoggin County since<br />
1945. Community Credit<br />
Union has branches located at<br />
144 Pine Street, Lewiston and<br />
40 Stanley Street, Auburn. A<br />
new location on Route 4 in<br />
Turner will be opening soon.<br />
For more info, log onto<br />
communitycreditunion.com<br />
See their ad on page 8.<br />
“Did you ever notice<br />
that life seems to follow<br />
certain patterns? Like I<br />
noticed that every year<br />
around this time, I hear<br />
Christmas music.”<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
22<br />
– Tom Sims<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
BRING US ALONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS!<br />
Buy 3 Large Size Meatballs<br />
Mini<br />
Get 1 FREE! Meatballs<br />
It’s our gift to you!<br />
$5/dozen<br />
Now Serving Beer & Wine<br />
Check out our Catering Menu online<br />
63 Sabattus Street, Lewiston 782-0701<br />
www.LuiggisPizzeria.com<br />
I had an account with a bank in the North Pole, but they froze all my assets.<br />
Out ’n About at Feztival of Trees at the Kora Temple in Lewiston<br />
I think it’s time<br />
I demand to be put on<br />
the Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
payroll...<br />
Jessica Siderio, Susan Lindkvist, Matthew Shaw & Mary Martin<br />
The divers had to be careful, the octopus was heavily armed.
In-laws are merger acquisitions.<br />
Mid Maine Drug Screening & Investigations<br />
Full Service<br />
Drug<br />
Testing<br />
Company & Private<br />
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577-6000 • www.MMDrugScreening.com<br />
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unless you check. ck.<br />
ena<br />
nt Screeninn<br />
g Pre-Employment<br />
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criminal history<br />
• Federal Criminal History<br />
• Terrorist Watch List<br />
• Maine SBI Criminal History<br />
• Interpol / FBI Most Wanted<br />
• Terrorist Watch List<br />
• Sex Offender/Violent Offender Search<br />
• Sex Offender/<br />
All States<br />
Violent Offender Search All States<br />
• Trans Unionn Credit Report w/ credit score<br />
• National Eviction Check<br />
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49 • Interpol / FBI Most Wanted<br />
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9.99<br />
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• Pre-probation Drug Testing<br />
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Online Orders for Background checks<br />
Run a backgorund check right from your own computer!<br />
Pain Mangement Clinics<br />
• Private Practices - Rehab Centers<br />
Property Management Companies • Hospitals<br />
Call us for more information @ 577-6000<br />
Gossipy monkeys are blab-boons.<br />
Ask about<br />
quantity<br />
discounts!<br />
Out ’n About at<br />
Androscoggin<br />
Orthodontics<br />
Your perception<br />
of our reception is<br />
important to us!<br />
Tammy<br />
Receptionist<br />
Dr. TJ Bauer<br />
with patient,<br />
Shelby Rucker<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
Really,<br />
Daddy? Now<br />
you take my<br />
picture!?<br />
“I know I’m not gonna<br />
understand women. I<br />
will never understand<br />
how you can take boiling-hot<br />
wax, pour it on<br />
to your upper thigh, rip<br />
the hair out by the root<br />
– and still be afraid of a<br />
spider.”<br />
– Jerry Seinfeld<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 23
Greater Lewiston/Auburn’s 20 th<br />
Y<br />
O<br />
UR<br />
V<br />
Best Chinese Restaurant:<br />
Chopsticks<br />
37 Park St., Lewiston • 783-6300<br />
#1 Jeweler in the area:<br />
600 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 784-6766<br />
Best Auto Body<br />
Shop in the area:<br />
1524 Minot Ave.,<br />
Auburn • 784-6121<br />
19<br />
17<br />
20<br />
Best Pool & Spa<br />
Company:<br />
1975 Lisbon St.,<br />
Lewiston • 783-0858<br />
Best Sports<br />
Pub:<br />
120 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 786-0715<br />
9<br />
Best Breakfast Place:<br />
Rolly’s<br />
87 Mill Street Auburn<br />
753-0171 7<br />
DINER<br />
8<br />
#1 In Dining Excellence:<br />
775 Washington St N,<br />
Auburn • 784-2110<br />
17<br />
Best Community<br />
Bank/Credit Union:<br />
391 Main St.,<br />
Lewiston • 784-5435<br />
6<br />
O<br />
TES<br />
Best Dance Studio:<br />
Mary Jane’s School of Dance<br />
675 Main St. Lewiston • 946-7302<br />
15<br />
Best Convenience<br />
Store:<br />
484 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 622-1609<br />
6<br />
Best Automotive Service:<br />
1122 Center St,<br />
Auburn • 753-0433<br />
14<br />
Best Chiropractor:<br />
Dr. Gerald Nadeau<br />
6<br />
336 Center St., Auburn • 777-1104<br />
Best Pizza:<br />
95 Lincoln St.,<br />
Lewiston • 786-2020<br />
Best Casual<br />
Restaurant:<br />
120 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 786-0715<br />
13<br />
Lewiston<br />
House of Pizza<br />
13<br />
Best Roofing Contractor:<br />
99 Spring St.,<br />
Lewiston 784-1819<br />
Best Prime Rib<br />
775 Washington St N,<br />
Auburn • 784-2110<br />
St. Hilaire<br />
Contractors<br />
6<br />
6<br />
#<br />
A<br />
RE<br />
I<br />
N<br />
Indicates<br />
number of years<br />
as winner.<br />
Best Banquet Facility:<br />
490 Pleasant St, Lewiston<br />
330-3775 13<br />
Best Landscape Company:<br />
78 Lisbon St, Lisbon<br />
353-4848<br />
Best Insurance Agency:<br />
Bilodeau Insurance<br />
541 Lisbon St, Lewiston, • 784-4029<br />
Vote online at:<br />
BESTOFSURVEYS.COM<br />
Inn &<br />
Conference<br />
Center<br />
10<br />
12<br />
Best Facial/Skin Care Salon:<br />
Healthy Beauty<br />
Wellness Spa<br />
Best Burger:<br />
120 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 786-0715<br />
Market Surveys of America, an independent survey com<br />
Best Businesses for <strong>2014</strong> Survey. The above winners are the r<br />
5<br />
486 Sabattus St.,<br />
Lewiston • 333-3235<br />
Best Eye Care Professionals:<br />
Optometric Associates<br />
Dr. Pauline Beale, Dr. Douglas Henry, Dr. Stephen Ebersole<br />
168 East Ave., Lewiston (784-3564)<br />
5<br />
5
Annual Best Businesses for <strong>2014</strong><br />
Best Financial Planners:<br />
541 Lisbon St<br />
Lewiston<br />
786-0651<br />
Best<br />
Wait Staff:<br />
120 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 786-0715<br />
5<br />
Poirier Associates<br />
4<br />
Best Sushi<br />
Restaurant: 2<br />
40 East Ave. #2<br />
Lewiston • 795-6888<br />
Best Bar/Lounge:<br />
490 Pleasant St.,<br />
Lewiston • 330-3775<br />
2<br />
Japanese Cuisine<br />
at the Ramada Inn<br />
Best Heating Oil Service:<br />
3 Conant Rd<br />
Turner<br />
225-3588<br />
Best Day Spa:<br />
71 East Ave., Lewiston<br />
783-3321<br />
www.cassiels.com<br />
Best Attorneys:<br />
75 Park St.,<br />
Lewiston • 795-5000 3<br />
Best Boutique:<br />
866 Main St., Lewiston<br />
754-3057<br />
Best Acupuncturist:<br />
12 Highland Spring Rd.,<br />
Lewiston • 783-2016<br />
Best Contract<br />
Security Company:<br />
86 Main St.,<br />
Auburn • 800-292-4965<br />
Best Car Wash:<br />
1103 Lisbon St.,<br />
Lewiston<br />
333-3655<br />
2<br />
Best International<br />
Restaurant:<br />
40 East Ave. #2<br />
Lewiston • 795-6888<br />
Blanchard’s Cash Fuel, INC<br />
2<br />
3<br />
3<br />
Diane<br />
Ford<br />
Best Place To Buy Carpet/Flooring:<br />
675 Main St.,<br />
Lewiston<br />
782-0831<br />
3<br />
3<br />
4<br />
4<br />
J&S Oil/Ultra<br />
Clean Car Wash<br />
Japanese Cuisine<br />
Best Martini Bar:<br />
490 Pleasant St.,<br />
Lewiston • 330-3775<br />
Best Real Estate Company:<br />
22 Strawberry Ave.<br />
Lewiston • 782-0670<br />
Best Mortgage Company:<br />
181 Center St.,<br />
Auburn • 777-1551<br />
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The Three<br />
Southern<br />
Wise Men<br />
Submitted by WEP<br />
I was travelling through<br />
a small Southern town<br />
when I spotted a<br />
"Nativity Scene" that<br />
showed great skill and<br />
talent. One small feature<br />
bothered me<br />
though. The three wise<br />
men were wearing firemen's<br />
helmets. I was<br />
totally unable to come<br />
up with a reason or explanation.<br />
At a "Quik Stop" on the<br />
edge of town, I asked<br />
the lady behind the<br />
counter about the<br />
helmets. She exploded<br />
into a rage, yelling at<br />
me, "You darn Yankees<br />
never do read the<br />
Bible!" I assured her<br />
that I did, but simply<br />
couldn't recall anything<br />
about firemen in the<br />
Bible.<br />
She jerked her Bible<br />
from behind the<br />
counter and ruffled thru<br />
some pages, and<br />
finally jabbed her finger<br />
at a passage.<br />
Sticking it in my face<br />
she said, "See, it says<br />
right here,<br />
Deep cuts were made in the guillotine industry and heads rolled.<br />
Join Us for the<br />
Count Down to 2015 at<br />
New Year’s Eve Bash!<br />
<strong>December</strong> 31st 8:00pm – 1:00am<br />
Live music by:<br />
• Live coverage of<br />
Times Square Ball Drop<br />
• Drink Specials<br />
• Party Favors to ring in the<br />
New Year!<br />
Japanese Cuisine<br />
40 East Ave., Lewiston • 795-6888 • sea40me.com<br />
'The three wise men<br />
came from afar'."<br />
Open Mic Night<br />
Every Wednesday at 7pm<br />
FREE Dessert<br />
when you celebrate your birthday<br />
at Sea 40!<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
26<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
I bought a ton of staples and pushpins all for $3.99, plus tacks.
Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.<br />
Russian Rain<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
There once was a Czar<br />
in Russia whose name<br />
was Rudolph the Red.<br />
Local Bands Every Friday 4-5pm<br />
and L/A’s Got Talent... Sign Up at LAAlerts.com for schedule<br />
The Dean of Maine Radio... Dave Dean<br />
Heard every weekday 2 – 6 PM<br />
He was standing in his<br />
house one day with his<br />
wife. He looked out the<br />
window and saw something<br />
happening. He<br />
says to his wife, "Look<br />
honey. It’s raining."<br />
She, being the obstinate<br />
type, responded,<br />
"I don't think so, dear. I<br />
think it’s snowing."<br />
But Rudolph knew better.<br />
So he says to his<br />
wife, "Let's step outside<br />
and we'll find out."<br />
Lo and behold, they<br />
step outside and<br />
discover it was in<br />
fact rain.<br />
So Rudolph turns to his<br />
wife and replies," I<br />
knew it was raining.<br />
Rudolph the Red<br />
knows rain, dear!"<br />
Photos courtesy of<br />
Haines Photography<br />
Turn the page for the November band line-up!<br />
To see our full schedule, sign up at LAAlerts.com.<br />
Also, check our Facebook page: Z1055<br />
Brought to you by:<br />
Hear it on:<br />
Remove<br />
the center<br />
spread and hang<br />
on your wall!<br />
Watch for more local<br />
bands coming each<br />
month in Uncle Andy’s<br />
Digest!!<br />
"Reflect upon your<br />
present blessings, of<br />
which everyone has<br />
plenty; not on your past<br />
misfortunes of which<br />
we all have some."<br />
– Charles Dickens<br />
If you're right 98% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 27
CALL THE PROS<br />
Assisted Home<br />
Care II<br />
“Our Family Assisting Your Family”<br />
Now expanding our services to the<br />
Midcoast Region!<br />
See page 44 to learn more about<br />
the services we offer.<br />
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org<br />
Affordable Office Solutions | 550 Lisbon St., Lewiston<br />
cubiclesinmaine.com | 783-4820 or Toll Free 866-464-CUBE<br />
• Driveways<br />
• Patios<br />
• Walkways<br />
• Porches<br />
• Steps<br />
• Poolscapes<br />
Blackie’s Farm<br />
Fresh Produce<br />
Christmas Trees<br />
Wreaths & Kissing Balls<br />
Open Year<br />
Round<br />
966 Minot Ave. • Auburn • 786-0005<br />
Hours: 6am - 8pm<br />
GIVE YOUR WARDROBE<br />
A MAKEOVER<br />
with custom handmade bracelets by Jackie<br />
Jackie’s Bracelets, Etc.<br />
61 Albert Street, Lewiston<br />
333-2763<br />
jackiesbraceletsetc.com<br />
Join us for some Affordable FUN!<br />
$<br />
10 up to 48 cards - Games pay $ 50 - $ 100<br />
Sunday at 6:00PM<br />
Wed., Thurs, & Friday<br />
at 6:30PM<br />
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall<br />
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394<br />
Like us on<br />
1761 Lisbon Road, Lewiston (next to the Elks Lodge)<br />
956-1793<br />
$<br />
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Any Hair Cut<br />
with this ad<br />
Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Remote Starters - A Great Christmas gift!<br />
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Basic model starting at<br />
installed<br />
1339 Sabattus St. Lewiston 754-7873<br />
Each starter comes<br />
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• 2 Remotes<br />
• Expert Installation<br />
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CALL<br />
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Indecision is the key to flexibility.
CALL THE PROS<br />
GOT HEAT?? FREE Pre-winter Checkup With Ad<br />
Carla & Co.<br />
Paul Mitchell Focus Salon<br />
Merry Christmas!<br />
MEN’S CUT<br />
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$<br />
22<br />
w/select stylists (expires 12/30/14)<br />
954 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 207.241.0205 • Carla Martin (Owner)<br />
No Separating<br />
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Call us for a FREE quote.<br />
Serving: Norway • West Paris<br />
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& NOW Lewiston/Auburn!<br />
743-3891<br />
70 Main Street, South Paris • harrisbrosrubbishremoval.com<br />
Bookkeeping<br />
Plus<br />
QuickBooks Classes Offered<br />
Bookkeeping Services<br />
9 Grove Street, Auburn • 782-8124<br />
Rolly’s Diner<br />
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />
Breakfast & Lunch<br />
Specials Daily<br />
Season’s Greetings To All!<br />
If Rolly’s<br />
were open on major<br />
holidays I’d be here<br />
then, too!<br />
Closed Christmas Day<br />
• Unusual Omelettes<br />
• Crepes<br />
• Breakfast All Day<br />
• Extensive Menu<br />
87 Mill St.<br />
New Auburn<br />
753-0171<br />
(for take-out)<br />
It is that time<br />
of year<br />
Q: How did they know<br />
the shark attack victim<br />
had dandruff?<br />
Clockwise: Mary, Roger, Stephen, Ellen & Jim<br />
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm<br />
Sunday 7 am – noon<br />
A: They found his<br />
head and shoulders on<br />
the beach.<br />
Santa was was out all night sleighing, now he’s wanted by the police in 49 states.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 31
Out ’n About at<br />
Sea 40 on<br />
Halloween<br />
Franki,<br />
let’s shut that saw<br />
off for the pic!<br />
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy<br />
with the suit gets all the credit.<br />
10% OFF Your First Snow Plowing<br />
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Inc.<br />
Andy Morin<br />
207.784.8293<br />
cell: 207.576.4714<br />
amorinexc@roadrunner.com<br />
Franki &<br />
Thomas Hamann<br />
Could you<br />
wait till I’m done<br />
eating, jeez!<br />
NOW OPEN!<br />
Shopping for Holiday Gifts? Stop By<br />
& Pick Up a Gift Certificate!<br />
~ Booth Rentals Available ~<br />
Tues – Thurs 9am - 7pm; Fri 9am - 5pm; Sat 9am - 12pm<br />
232 Center Street, Auburn • 753-9368<br />
(next to Play It Again Sports)<br />
Lynn Norris & Michelle Higgins<br />
Owner/Stylist<br />
Stylist<br />
Let Heidi’s Take the Stress Out of Your Holidays<br />
Grab a bite while you’re out shopping and get<br />
some GIFT CARDS for your favorite elves.<br />
A gift that will put a<br />
smile on anyone’s face!<br />
GIFT CARD<br />
784-3434<br />
Locally Owned<br />
& Operated<br />
600 Turner Street • Auburn<br />
Our platters are a great crowd pleaser for your<br />
holiday get togethers!<br />
HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm • Sun 10am-8pm<br />
heidisauburn.com<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
32<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!<br />
Out ’n About at<br />
Sea 40 on<br />
Halloween<br />
Dear Santa, I can explain...<br />
DAD’S PLACE<br />
REDEMPTION<br />
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551<br />
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)<br />
Bottle Drives<br />
Welcome!<br />
MORE FOR<br />
YOUR $$<br />
Get more for your<br />
returns at Dad’s!<br />
6¢<br />
on all 5¢ returns<br />
with this coupon.<br />
(must present coupon at<br />
Redemption Center prior to counting)<br />
✃<br />
Dad’s Redemption<br />
UAD expires 12.31.14<br />
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.<br />
Jamie & Ashley<br />
focused on the job at<br />
hand<br />
Excuse<br />
me Miss...<br />
Can you help<br />
me down?<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 33
My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's mad that I beat him to it.<br />
I put mine up three years ago.<br />
Mall Trainer<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
While working as a<br />
mall Santa, I had many<br />
children ask for electric<br />
trains. "If you get a<br />
train," I would tell each<br />
one, "you know your<br />
dad is going to want to<br />
play with it too. Is that<br />
okay?"<br />
The usual answer was<br />
a quick yes, but after I<br />
asked one boy this<br />
question, he became<br />
very quiet. Trying to<br />
move the conversation<br />
along, I asked what<br />
else he would like<br />
Santa to bring him.<br />
CAMERON TIRE & SERVICE<br />
Scooter<br />
60 Minot Ave • Auburn<br />
782-6666 or 783-2026<br />
FAMILY OWNED & OPERATED SINCE 1983<br />
We can do it:<br />
• Wheel alignment<br />
& balancing<br />
• Complete brake work<br />
• Engine tune-up<br />
• Lube-oil-filter<br />
• State Inspections<br />
$10 OFF<br />
ANY Service<br />
with Coupon!<br />
Merry Christmas!!<br />
A PROUD MEMBER OF THE<br />
NAPA AUTO CARE TEAM<br />
OUR TIRES<br />
Thanks! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year,<br />
now Christmas is cancelled.<br />
He promptly replied,<br />
"Another train.<br />
Interesting<br />
Christmas<br />
Facts:<br />
A wreath with holly, red<br />
berries and other decorations<br />
began from at<br />
least the 17th century.<br />
Holly, with its sharply<br />
pointed leaves, symbolized<br />
the thorns in<br />
Christ's crown-ofthorns.<br />
Red berries<br />
symbolized the drops<br />
of Christ's blood. A<br />
wreath at Christmas<br />
signified a home that<br />
celebrated the birth of<br />
Christ.<br />
Jane, Owner & Stylist; Brian Saucier, LMT<br />
& Sarah, Stylist<br />
Now offering BOOTH RENTALS<br />
Call For More Information<br />
Sarah Jeanne’s<br />
Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental<br />
Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning<br />
77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston<br />
SarahJeannes.com<br />
795-6778<br />
Buy a $ 50<br />
Gift Certificate & get<br />
a $ 10 bonus FREE<br />
Buy 3<br />
1hr Massages<br />
For Only $135<br />
Holiday Special<br />
$<br />
99.95<br />
$200 of<br />
Spa Services<br />
for Only<br />
Express mani & pedi, hand paraffin,<br />
120min tanning package, men’s or women’s hair<br />
cut, eyebrow wax & 50% off products<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
34<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Remember, Christmas isn't about how big the tree is, or what's under it.<br />
It's about who's around it.
RETAIL • WHOLESALE • REDEMPTION • LIQUOR STORE<br />
5 Locations for Your Convenience<br />
ROOPERS<br />
LISBON ST.<br />
Now Selling<br />
Liquor!<br />
ATM’s onsite & Lottery/Megabucks!<br />
Sabattus Street, Lewiston Lisbon Street, Lewiston Main Street, Auburn<br />
Minot Ave, Auburn<br />
WHAT’S BREWING<br />
AND ALWAYS NEW<br />
YOUR BETTER BEER PIONEERS<br />
Since 1992<br />
Main Street, Lewiston<br />
Beer Specials<br />
Coors Lt/Bud/Bud Light 18 packs . . . .$13.99<br />
Coors/Bud/Bud Lt/Lite 6pk 16oz cans .$4.99<br />
Smuttynose 12 packs . . . . . . . . . . . . .$12.99<br />
Twisted Tea 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$13.99<br />
Sierra Nevada 12pk . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99<br />
Black Velvet<br />
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$14.99<br />
Save $5<br />
Jameson<br />
750ml<br />
$22.99<br />
Save $4<br />
Bulleit<br />
Bourbon<br />
750ml<br />
$24.99<br />
Save $4<br />
Wine Specials<br />
Andre 750 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2 for $9<br />
Barefoot 1.5 L . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99<br />
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Rex Goliath 750 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . .2 for $11<br />
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Pinnacle/DeKuyper Candy Canes . . . .$3.99<br />
Jack Daniels Honey 750ml w/Flask . .$23.99<br />
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Jim Beam<br />
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$26.99<br />
Save $4<br />
Jack Daniels<br />
1.75L<br />
$39.99<br />
Save $5<br />
Hendricks Gin<br />
750ml<br />
$24.99<br />
Save $10<br />
694 Main St.<br />
Lewiston • 782-1482<br />
794 Sabattus St.<br />
Lewiston • 783-6353<br />
1420 Lisbon St.<br />
Lewiston • 333-3095<br />
545 Minot Ave.<br />
Auburn • 783-2047<br />
303-311 Main St.<br />
Auburn • 783-9098
Out ’n About at<br />
Sea 40 on<br />
Halloween<br />
That’s right,<br />
I’ve got the<br />
eye of the tiger<br />
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?<br />
272 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls<br />
Prime360Training.com • 577-5979<br />
prime360training@gmail.com<br />
Group Classes • Individual Training • Nutrition Consultations<br />
Team Performance Enhancement • Meditation Consultations<br />
Make up my mind:<br />
strike a pose or get<br />
your order?<br />
3 Stages of<br />
Man<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
1) He believes in Santa<br />
Claus.<br />
Testimonial for PRiME 360º: (abbreviated for space - see full testimonial on website)<br />
“To all the Moms, I am a 29 year old stay at home mother of two beautiful, active, and<br />
BJ Grondin, CSCS<br />
patience testing boys... After my kids, I had the baby belly and overtime I didn’t feel strong<br />
or confident anymore... I met BJ Grondin and was introduced to PRiME360. I started by<br />
taking a class or two. I walked into a small class size where there were clients of all ranges and ages. I fit in...<br />
Again, with the help of PRiME360 and their nutrition guide, I made a LIFE STYLE CHANGE. My focus was to<br />
lose weight, to gain energy, vitality, and whole health. After being apart of the PRiME360 family for a little more<br />
then six months now, I can’t thank PRiME360 enough.<br />
My “baby belly” is back to just being my stomach with some muscles to show off now. My knowledge of what I<br />
should be fueling my body with is now on track. I only wish I would have known what I know now when I was in<br />
high school and college as an athlete.<br />
... I encourage you to do this not only for yourself, but also for your confidence, your vitality, and your sanity.”<br />
– Kat McKay<br />
New Years Resolutions<br />
We can help make that decision stick!<br />
Buy 2 months of<br />
classes get the<br />
3rd month FREE!<br />
Limit one per person.<br />
Call for details.<br />
✃<br />
Expires 12.31.14<br />
3 Individual<br />
Training Sessions<br />
for just $ 99.<br />
Limit one per person.<br />
New customers only.<br />
Call us<br />
TODAY!<br />
You’ll be glad<br />
you did!!<br />
✃<br />
Expires 12.31.14<br />
2) He doesn't believe<br />
in Santa Claus.<br />
3) He is Santa Claus!<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
36<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
Join us for our<br />
Super Bowl Party!<br />
$50 pp (all inclusive)<br />
Pig Roast, Tailgate Hors d'oeuvres & includes<br />
2 beverages of your choice! Tons of giveaways!!<br />
Join us for<br />
lunch or<br />
dinner<br />
7 days<br />
a week!<br />
Get a<br />
FREE $10<br />
bonus card<br />
with every<br />
$50 Gift Card<br />
Purchase!<br />
Merry<br />
Christmas<br />
to all!<br />
Happy<br />
New Year!<br />
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com
Keep Talking<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Officer Williams pulls<br />
over a speeding car.<br />
He says, "I clocked you<br />
at 85 miles per hour,<br />
sir."<br />
Nigel, the driver says,<br />
"Goodness, officer, I<br />
had it on cruise control<br />
at 60; perhaps your<br />
radar gun needs calibrating."<br />
Not looking up from her<br />
knitting, Betty, the wife<br />
says: 'Now don't be<br />
silly, dear -- you know<br />
that this car doesn't<br />
have cruise control."<br />
As Officer Williams<br />
writes out the ticket,<br />
Nigel looks over at his<br />
wife and growls, "Can't<br />
you please keep your<br />
mouth shut for once,<br />
Betty!?"<br />
Betty smiles sweetly<br />
and says, "Well dear<br />
you should be thankful<br />
your radar detector<br />
went off when it did or<br />
your speed would have<br />
been higher."<br />
As Officer Williams<br />
makes out the second<br />
ticket for the illegal<br />
radar detector unit,<br />
Nigel glowers at his<br />
wife and says through<br />
clenched teeth,<br />
"Woman, can't you<br />
keep your mouth<br />
shut?"<br />
The officer frowns and<br />
says, "And I notice that<br />
you're not wearing your<br />
seat belt, sir. That's an<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
38<br />
(continued on next page)<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Christmas light displays are the freestyle rap battles of the suburbs.<br />
Join Us for Paint Nite!<br />
• Event lasts appx. 2 hours<br />
• No Experience Needed<br />
• Just Plain FUN!<br />
• Paint & 16x20 canvas<br />
supplied<br />
Limited tickets<br />
available. Sign up<br />
today!<br />
www.paintnite.com/pages/events/view/portland/854518<br />
Village Inn<br />
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796<br />
Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com<br />
Thursday,<br />
<strong>December</strong> 18th<br />
7:00PM<br />
$45/pp<br />
Gift cards make<br />
a great gift!<br />
A song told me to Deck the Halls...so I did. Mr.and Mrs. Hall are not very happy.<br />
Out ’n About with some local celebrities<br />
I just can’t<br />
get enough of<br />
Uncle Andy’s<br />
Digest!<br />
May Christmas be about what's in your Heart and not what's in your pocket.
It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.<br />
Service<br />
Rental<br />
Sales<br />
G.A. DOWNING<br />
CO., INC.<br />
111 Woodman Hill RD<br />
Minot, ME 04258<br />
207.782.4508<br />
800.924.4500<br />
Liquid Waste Pumping • Portable sanitation facilities<br />
Do not neglect<br />
your Septic System<br />
For proper maintenance, it should be pumped periodically.<br />
CALL US TODAY TO SET UP AN APPOINTMENT<br />
We carry risers, covers,<br />
baffle replacements, septic additives.<br />
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.<br />
Merry<br />
Christmas<br />
(continued from previous page)<br />
automatic $75 fine."<br />
Nigel replies, "Yeah,<br />
well, you see, officer, I<br />
had it on, but I took it<br />
off when you pulled me<br />
over so that I could get<br />
my license out of my<br />
back pocket."<br />
Betty chips in again,<br />
"Now, dear, you know<br />
very well that you didn't<br />
have your seat belt on.<br />
You never wear your<br />
seat belt when you're<br />
driving."<br />
And as Officer Williams<br />
is writing out the third<br />
ticket, Nigel turns to his<br />
wife and barks, "WILL<br />
YOU PLEASE SHUT<br />
UP??"<br />
The officer looks over<br />
at Betty and asks,<br />
"Does your husband<br />
always talk to you this<br />
way, Ma'am?"<br />
"Oh, no. Only when<br />
he's got illegal paraphernalia<br />
in the trunk."<br />
Christmas trees are grown in every American state.<br />
Kelley Darcy Amanda Christopher<br />
336 Center St. • Auburn • 777-1611<br />
Call Today &<br />
Book Your<br />
Appointment For<br />
The Holidays<br />
Before It’s<br />
Too Late!<br />
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.<br />
777-1611<br />
X-Mas Stamps<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
A woman goes to the<br />
post office to buy<br />
stamps for her Christmas<br />
cards. She says to<br />
the clerk, “May I have<br />
50 Christmas stamps?”<br />
The clerk says, “What<br />
denomination?”<br />
The woman says, “God<br />
help us. Has it come to<br />
this? Okay, give me 6<br />
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian,<br />
10 Lutheran and<br />
22 Baptists.”<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 39
Out ’n About with<br />
some local<br />
celebrities<br />
Kim<br />
My boyfriend is just like Santa Claus. He gives me presents and is imaginary.<br />
Peg<br />
Richard<br />
Wishing You A<br />
Merry Christmas!<br />
Thank You Everyone For a Great Year!<br />
Your Patronage & Support Means Everything To Us!<br />
Sharon<br />
Raiquan<br />
Taryn Ouellette &<br />
Stephanie Gagne<br />
Mike<br />
Tanya<br />
Fresh<br />
Baked Bread<br />
$1.99/Loaf<br />
Get Your<br />
Holiday<br />
Platters,<br />
Finger<br />
Rolls, &<br />
Dessert<br />
Trays Here!<br />
Unfilled finger<br />
rolls $2/dozen<br />
Annette<br />
Andy<br />
Corey<br />
We, your cats, at<br />
Christmas say, Thanks<br />
for caring for us each<br />
day.<br />
We love this season,<br />
all green and red,<br />
And by the way,<br />
the hamster’s dead.<br />
Rick<br />
Scott<br />
Pizza<br />
UFO<br />
GEORGIO’S<br />
740 Minot Avenue, Auburn<br />
783-2981<br />
Coffee & Donut<br />
Only $1.54!<br />
Open daily 5am-9pm<br />
www.mygeorgios.com<br />
Locally owned & operated<br />
Subs<br />
Michelle<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
40<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
This holiday season, in lieu of gifts, I've decided to give everyone my opinion.
If you received all of the gifts in the song 'The Twelve Days of Christmas', you would receive 364 presents.<br />
New Auburn Social Club<br />
7 Second Street, Auburn • 782-9039<br />
Christmas Giving Tree Stop by and get a tag from the Holiday<br />
Giving Tree to help make a child smile this Christmas Season!<br />
Holiday Events<br />
KIDS CHRISTMAS PARTY Dec. 14th 11am - 1pm<br />
Santa arrives at noon (please sign-up your child(ren) - members only)<br />
DART SHOOT FOR S.A.P.A.R.S. Dec. 13th 11am - 1pm<br />
(Sexual Assault Prevention & Response Services) 1 st Place Prize $200 (based on 4 players $10/pp)<br />
ADULT CHRISTMAS PARTY Dec. 20th Happy Hour 5-7pm<br />
Gift Swap 6-8pm ($20 or less) 8-midnight DJ Scotty Dawg<br />
NEW YEAR’S EVE BASH Live Music - 4 Play<br />
$20/pc or $15/pp Tickets go on Sale Dec. 8th<br />
Electric lights on Christmas trees were first used in 1895.<br />
Thinking Ahead<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
PROTECTING<br />
What You Love.<br />
What You Do.<br />
What You Cherish..<br />
Kerrie Robbins<br />
Commercial Insurance<br />
Specialist<br />
232 Center St., Auburn<br />
786-0417<br />
VarneyAgency.com<br />
Mon.-Fri. 8am-4:30pm<br />
commercial home auto recreational umbrella life health<br />
A lady lost her handbag<br />
in the bustle of<br />
Christmas shopping. It<br />
was found by an honest<br />
little boy and returned<br />
to her. Looking<br />
in her purse, she commented,<br />
"Hmmm....<br />
That's funny. When I<br />
lost my bag there was<br />
a $20 bill in it. Now<br />
there are twenty $1<br />
bills."<br />
The boy quickly<br />
replied, "That's right,<br />
lady. The last time I<br />
found a lady's purse,<br />
she didn't have any<br />
change for a reward."<br />
Alabama was the first state to declare Christmas a legal holiday in 1836.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 41
Leavitt Football<br />
Hardcore Fans!<br />
More diamonds are bought around Christmas than any other time of the year.<br />
POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE<br />
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POOL BUILDERS OF MAINE<br />
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Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
42<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
The best thing to carry with you when you start feeling tired is a knapsack.
If you robbed a kissing booth you'd make out like a bandit.<br />
Shop Manager,<br />
Chad Paradis<br />
Happy Holidays!<br />
Come and Relax in our private, tranquil Spa Room!<br />
<strong>December</strong><br />
Special<br />
Your Road To Maine Value TM<br />
Welcomes New Manager, Chad Paradis!<br />
For Brakes, Tires,<br />
Exhaust, Oil Changes,<br />
Batteries, Tune-ups & more<br />
visit Maine Auto Service!<br />
Your complete car & light truck service center.<br />
510 Canal Street, Lewiston • 333-6000 • maineautoservice.com<br />
FREE Paraffin dip<br />
with manicure or pedicure<br />
185 Webster St., Lewiston • 783-0200<br />
Chad & his crew invite you to<br />
stop by for a<br />
FREE<br />
STATE<br />
INSPECTION<br />
in <strong>December</strong> with this ✃<br />
ad<br />
Expires 12.31.14<br />
The Chick Has Got it Going On!<br />
Time to book your Christmas Party with us!<br />
Our back room holds up to 75 people.<br />
We accommodate for small parties, too. Dates are filling fast!<br />
We’ll be all decorated for Christmas on Friday, November 28th.<br />
You’re gonna<br />
love it!<br />
of Lewiston<br />
1472 Lisbon St, Lewiston • 376-3870 • ChickadeeLewiston.com<br />
Wishing You<br />
All A Very<br />
Merry Christmas<br />
& Happy New Year!<br />
<strong>December</strong><br />
Special<br />
Little known fact: Michael Jackson's original glove went on to become<br />
the Hamburger Helper.<br />
The Meaning<br />
of Christmas<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
And the Grinch, with his<br />
Grinch-feet ice cold in the<br />
snow, stood puzzling and<br />
puzzling, how could it be<br />
so? It came without ribbons.<br />
It came without<br />
tags. It came without<br />
packages,<br />
boxes or bags.<br />
And he puzzled<br />
and puzzled<br />
'till his<br />
puzzler<br />
was<br />
sore.<br />
Then the Grinch thought<br />
of something he hadn't<br />
before. What if Christmas,<br />
he thought, doesn't come<br />
from a store. What if<br />
Christmas, perhaps,<br />
means a little bit more.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
– Dr. Seuss<br />
I gave my stressed out<br />
feline too much elixir.<br />
Now he's catatonic.<br />
Down Payment<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
Judi was walking by<br />
the jewelry store one<br />
day in the midtown<br />
mall. She saw a diamond<br />
bracelet that she<br />
really liked. In the store<br />
she went.<br />
"Excuse me," she said<br />
to the saleslady behind<br />
the counter, "Will a<br />
small deposit hold that<br />
bracelet until my husband<br />
does something<br />
unforgivable?"<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 43
Out ’n About at<br />
Sea 40 on<br />
Halloween<br />
Yes I did spend 15 minutes looking for matching socks. Think of the time I saved<br />
not sorting them when I put them away.<br />
Assisted Home Care II<br />
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Assisting Your Family”<br />
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• Guarantee Continuity of Caregivers<br />
• Assist with Independent Living at Home<br />
11 Bank St., Brunswick • 212-6736 • assistedhomecare.org<br />
When You Miss This Sign...<br />
My golf outfit<br />
next year...<br />
Not bad, huh?<br />
Look for this one!<br />
We’ll have you<br />
back on the road<br />
in no time!<br />
FREE<br />
ESTIMATES!<br />
COLLISION REPAIR & PAINTING 1111 Center Street, Auburn • 782-6515<br />
Dave Johnson<br />
“The remarkable thing<br />
about my mother is<br />
that for 30 years she<br />
served us nothing but<br />
leftovers. The original<br />
meal has never been<br />
found.”<br />
– Calvin Trillin<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
44<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organizations.
I'm leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.<br />
My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.<br />
AFTER HOURS HAS WHAT YOU’RE LOOKING FOR!<br />
WE CARRY:<br />
• All Dab Accessories & rigs<br />
• Glasspipes, Metalpipes,<br />
Hookahs, Woodpipes<br />
• Detox - Vaporizers<br />
• E-Hookahs & E-Liquid<br />
• Butane, Papers, Shisha<br />
& Incense<br />
• Seedless Clothing<br />
• Posters<br />
• Bags<br />
• Pipe Cases<br />
Open Mon - Sat<br />
10am - 8pm<br />
25 Lisbon Street, Lewiston • 795-7600<br />
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.<br />
We’re a<br />
FULL Service<br />
Vaporizer<br />
Shop.<br />
We have vaporizers for<br />
all uses as well as e-cigs,<br />
e-hookahs (refillable &<br />
disposeable). And many<br />
flavors of premium<br />
American made e-juice<br />
from 0-24mg nicotine<br />
levels.<br />
Out ’n About with<br />
some local<br />
celebrities<br />
Thank you<br />
to everyone who<br />
voted for me!<br />
And I guess<br />
the Digest is<br />
okay, too!<br />
Ron Chicoine<br />
Newly elected<br />
County Commissioner<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 45
The Real Thing<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Just before Christmas,<br />
an honest politician, a<br />
generous lawyer and<br />
Santa Claus all got into<br />
the elevator at the Ritz<br />
Hotel in London. As<br />
the elevator travelled<br />
from the 5th floor down<br />
to the ground level,<br />
one-by-one they noticed<br />
a $100 bill lying<br />
on the elevator floor.<br />
Which one picked up<br />
the $100 bill, and<br />
handed it in at reception?<br />
Santa of course... Do<br />
the other two actually<br />
exist?<br />
A Good Day<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
A husband and wife<br />
wake up one morning.<br />
The husband leans<br />
over to kiss his wife on<br />
the cheek but she<br />
says, “Don’t touch me!<br />
I’m dead!”<br />
“What on earth are you<br />
talking about?” says<br />
the husband. “We’re<br />
both lying here talking.”<br />
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.<br />
We’re BIG<br />
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Wash your comforters,<br />
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COME SEE WHY WE’RE<br />
STILL HERE AFTER<br />
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The wife replies, “I<br />
know. But I’m definitely<br />
dead.”<br />
“You can’t be dead,”<br />
replies her husband.<br />
“What in the world<br />
makes you think you’re<br />
dead?”<br />
His wife replies, “I must<br />
be dead. I woke up this<br />
morning and nothing<br />
hurts!”<br />
Our customers say,<br />
“Beal’s is the cleanest<br />
Laundromat in L/A!”<br />
LAUNDROMAT • CLEANERS • COIN-OP<br />
51 Hampshire St. Auburn<br />
784-8581<br />
Search: Beal’s Laundromat & Cleaners<br />
Mon.-Fri 7am-9pm • Sat.&Sun. 8am-9pm<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
46<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Father to three-year old: "No a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.<br />
Why Join Carbonite’s Contact Center?<br />
NOW<br />
HIRING!<br />
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BENEFITS BEGIN YOUR FIRST DAY OF WORK<br />
Lots of growth opportunities once you master your job<br />
On-site game room and Canteen Micro Market<br />
NOW HIRING TECHNICAL SUPPORT REPRESENTATIVES IN LEWISTON<br />
As a Support Representative, you will be helping our customers become familiar with our products<br />
and services while increasing their confidence in our brand. You will be responsible for responding<br />
to incoming support requests via email, chat and telephone.<br />
Gram<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Last year, just before<br />
Christmas, Miriam, a<br />
grandmother was giving<br />
directions to her<br />
grown up grandson<br />
who was coming to<br />
visit with his wife. 'You<br />
come to the front door<br />
of the condominium<br />
complex. I am in<br />
apartment 2B.'<br />
Miriam continued,<br />
'There is a big panel at<br />
the door. With your<br />
elbow push button 2B.<br />
I will buzz you in.<br />
Come inside, the elevator<br />
is on the right.<br />
Get in, and with your<br />
elbow hit 2. When you<br />
get out I am on the left.<br />
With your elbow, hit my<br />
doorbell.'<br />
'Grandma, that sounds<br />
easy,' replied<br />
Jonathan, the grandson,<br />
'but why am I hitting<br />
all these buttons<br />
with my elbow.'<br />
To which she answered,<br />
'You're coming<br />
to visit empty handed?'<br />
Too Strong<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
APPLY ONLINE:<br />
www.carbonite.com/jobs<br />
Did you know Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It’s declared<br />
unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission.<br />
If you see a fat man<br />
Who’s jolly and cute,<br />
wearing a beard<br />
and a red flannel suit,<br />
and if he is chuckling<br />
and laughing away,<br />
while flying around<br />
in a miniature sleigh<br />
with eight tiny reindeer<br />
to pull him along,<br />
then lets face it…<br />
Your eggnog’s too<br />
strong...
Out ’n About with some local celebrities<br />
Patti, get your<br />
own copy! This one<br />
is mine!!<br />
Hours: Tue. Wed. Fri. 8-4<br />
Thurs. 8-5 • Sat. 8-12<br />
TOWNLINE<br />
ANTIQUES<br />
Buying & Selling<br />
837-3784<br />
“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash<br />
Do fish get thirsty?<br />
hwilliamsbarber.com<br />
John Jalbert, UAD friend<br />
& Patti Gagne<br />
Walk-ins<br />
Welcome<br />
740-6316<br />
Merry Christmas to All!<br />
$<br />
10 CUTS<br />
184 Turner St. Auburn<br />
(Next to Coastal T-shirts)<br />
“Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit, it’s on my Visa statement twelve months a year also.”<br />
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a<br />
door.<br />
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Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
48<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I've only been driving<br />
for 10 minutes?
How can one TV station have the "exclusive" accurate weather?<br />
Did they "storm" in and scoop the others?<br />
History Lesson<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
Daniel aged 4, returned<br />
from Sunday<br />
school with a new perspective<br />
on the Christmas<br />
story.<br />
He had learned all<br />
about the wise men<br />
from the east who<br />
brought gifts to the<br />
baby Jesus.<br />
Thomas to Jimbo: Does your train of thought have a caboose?<br />
Out ’n About at Georgio’s in Auburn<br />
Do you<br />
want cheese<br />
on that?<br />
Stay<br />
hungry my<br />
friends!<br />
Daniel was so excited<br />
he just had to tell his<br />
parents, “I learned in<br />
Sunday School today<br />
all about the very first<br />
Christmas. There wasn't<br />
a Santa Claus way<br />
back then, so these<br />
three guys on camels<br />
had to deliver all the<br />
toys. And Rudolph the<br />
Red-nosed Reindeer<br />
with his nose so bright<br />
wasn't there yet, so<br />
they had to have this<br />
big light in the sky to<br />
find their way around.”<br />
A Head Start<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
It was just before<br />
Christmas and the<br />
sherrif was in a happy<br />
mood. He asked the<br />
prisoner who was in<br />
the cell, 'What are you<br />
charged with?'<br />
The prisoner replied,<br />
'Doing my Christmas<br />
shopping too early.'<br />
Annette Pulsifer & Sharon Moreau<br />
Striking a pose in between breakfast sandwiches<br />
Did Noah include termites on the ark?<br />
'That's no crime', said<br />
the sherrif. 'Just how<br />
early were you doing<br />
this shopping?'<br />
'Before the shop<br />
opened', answered the<br />
prisoner.<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong> UncleAndys.com 49
<strong>2014</strong> Captains:<br />
#14 Levi Craig,<br />
#13 Billy Bedard,<br />
#57 Will Perkins &<br />
#2 Mitchell Davis<br />
Thomas to Jimbo: Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean that my job is a crime?<br />
Just Darn Good Deals<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
Sabattus<br />
Main Street Market<br />
2 Main Street, Sabattus • 375-8502<br />
$<br />
3 OFF<br />
ANY LARGE<br />
PIZZA!<br />
Limit one per customer per visit.<br />
Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
Dad’s Place<br />
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls<br />
345-5551 • DadsPlace.info<br />
HAMBURGER OR<br />
CHEESBURGER BASKET<br />
Limit one per customer per ✃<br />
visit.<br />
Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
ONLY<br />
$<br />
5<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
at the Ramada<br />
490 Pleasant St. Lewiston • 784-2331<br />
1/2 OFF DINNER<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
85 Center Street,<br />
Auburn • 784-8221<br />
PatsAuburn.com<br />
FREE SMALL BREAD STICKS<br />
✃<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
Grant’s Bakery<br />
525 Sabattus St. Lewiston<br />
783-2226<br />
GrantsBakery.com<br />
Large 10” Pork Pie<br />
Health & Beauty<br />
34 Center St.<br />
Auburn<br />
333-3069<br />
yourbestskinofmaine.com<br />
LOOK YOUNGER!<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Leavitt<br />
Football<br />
A winning<br />
tradition<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
The Library Cafe<br />
49 Spring St. Auburn<br />
784-2300<br />
AuburnLibraryCafe.com<br />
FREE Coffee or Soda<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Hobbies<br />
808 Main St. Lewiston<br />
753-3054<br />
KellysFabricConnection.com<br />
20% OFF<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Uncle Andy’s Digest<br />
50<br />
<strong>December</strong> <strong>2014</strong><br />
...with<br />
Jimbo<br />
783-7039<br />
Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
The awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents.<br />
✃<br />
Just Darn Good Deals<br />
Cookware<br />
770 Main St. Lewiston (Marden’s Plaza)<br />
783-4500 • SaucyPots.com<br />
10% OFF<br />
Total Order<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Automotive<br />
1009 Center St.<br />
Auburn<br />
333-3390<br />
AutoCityofMaine.com<br />
20% BONU$<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.24.14 (UAD)<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
63 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 782-0701<br />
LuiggisPizzeria.com<br />
FREE MEATBALL<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
1052 Minot Ave.<br />
Auburn<br />
783-6885<br />
MacsGrill.com<br />
FREE $10 BONUS CARD<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.24.14 (UAD)<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
Dad’s Place<br />
23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls<br />
345-5551 • DadsPlace.info<br />
FREE COFFEE FRIDAYS<br />
Limit one per customer per ✃<br />
visit.<br />
Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Infinity<br />
Scarfs<br />
$<br />
10.50<br />
✃<br />
Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Retail<br />
Eats & Treats<br />
785 Main St.<br />
Lewiston<br />
We’re more than<br />
purses!<br />
Soy Wax<br />
$<br />
4<br />
40 East Ave. Lewiston • 795-6888<br />
Sea40me.com<br />
FREE DESSERT<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
Health & Beauty<br />
Sarah Jeanne’s<br />
77 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 795-6778<br />
SarahJeannes.com<br />
SAVE $100<br />
✃<br />
Limit one per customer per visit. Expires 12.31.14 (UAD)<br />
There is a special place in hell for people that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving.<br />
For Mom<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
The Santa Claus at the<br />
shopping mall was very<br />
surprised when Emily,<br />
a young lady about 20<br />
years old walked up<br />
and sat on his lap.<br />
Now, we all know that<br />
Santa doesn't usually<br />
take requests from<br />
adults, but she smiled<br />
very nicely at him, so<br />
he asked her, “What do<br />
you want for Christmas?”<br />
“Something for my<br />
mother, please,”<br />
replied Emily sweetly.<br />
“Something for your<br />
mother? Well, that's<br />
very loving and<br />
thoughtful of you,”<br />
smiled Santa. “What<br />
would you like me to<br />
bring her?”<br />
Without turning a hair<br />
Emily answered<br />
quickly, “A son-in-law.”<br />
Face It<br />
Submitted by Jimbo<br />
Finding one of her students<br />
making faces at<br />
others on the playground,<br />
Ms. Smith<br />
stopped to gently reprove<br />
the child.<br />
Smiling sweetly, the<br />
teacher said, “Bobby,<br />
when I was a child, I<br />
was told if I made ugly<br />
faces, it would freeze<br />
and I would stay like<br />
that.”<br />
Bobby looked up and<br />
innocently replied,<br />
“Well, Ms. Smith, you<br />
can’t say you weren’t<br />
warned.”
I’ll be<br />
calling the<br />
boys at<br />
Liquid Sunshine<br />
on <strong>December</strong><br />
26th.<br />
I was going to tell you a joke about infinity, but it didn't have an ending!<br />
Pick Up & Drop Off Service<br />
Gift<br />
Certificates<br />
Available<br />
That’s Right... We’ll pick your car up, wash it and return it to you!<br />
Call for details<br />
References<br />
Available<br />
Satisfaction<br />
Guaranteed!<br />
Basic Car Wash,<br />
ALL BY HAND Full Recons Superior<br />
Cleaning Products<br />
Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm<br />
Fri. by appointment<br />
Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.<br />
Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit<br />
with results that you will be proud to show off.<br />
Visit us at our state of the art office at:<br />
730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza<br />
783-1351<br />
Same Day Emergency Care<br />
We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider<br />
LIQUID SUNSHINE<br />
CAR WASH & DETAIL<br />
865 Sabattus Street Lewiston • 333-3004<br />
Hours: Mon- Fri 8:30am - 5:00pm • Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm<br />
auburnplazafamilydentistry.com<br />
WWW.<strong>UNCLE</strong>ANDYS<strong>DIGEST</strong>.COM
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