Staff

nightwire.net

Staff

May 2007 •

3


CONTENTS AND STAFF

Contents

Page 5

Pittsburgh Cultural Trust

Presnts - Altar Boyz

Pages 6-7 Wine and Brew

Page 8 Predictions

Page 10 Relationships

Page 11 Entertainment

Page 12-13 Dining Review - Seviche

Pages 16-17 Music - Boogie Hustlers

Pages 20-21 Travel - Utah

Page 22 Night Tech

Pages 24-37 Humor and Jokes

Page 38 Horoscopes

Staff

Publisher: Joyce Campisi

Editor-in-Chief: Joyce Campisi

Executive Editor: Joseph P. Campisi, III

Production Manager: Rob Hoffman

Photography: Todd Brunozzi

Photographer: Jennifer Campisi

David Tucker

Graphic Designer: Donnie Garber

Dennis Kostley

Zach Harvey

Account Executive: Timothy Dady

Executive VP Sales: John Palmer

Feature Writers: Suz Pisano, Kara

Czerniak, Uriel Markovitz, Trish Imbrogno

Contributing Writers: Bill Mace

Jean Mace

Dottie Wilhelm

Lori Hon

Webmaster: Benjamin Auman

Distribution: Take One USA

Nightwire

622 Second Avenue

Pittsburgh, PA. 15219

412-755-1055

FAX: 412-755-1056

editor@nightwire.net/www.nightwire.net

Copyright ®, SX publications, Nightwire. All rights reserved. SX Publications, Nightwire owns the copyrights of the photographs and contents of this publication. No part of this

publication may be reproduced, modified, retransmitted or published in any part of copyrighted material without the expressed written permission of the publisher. The articles

and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent opinions of SX Publications, Nightwire, they are those of the writers and advertisers

and may not necessarily represent those of SX Publications, Nightwire. SX Publications, Nightwire in no way offers any recommendations, endorsements or guarantees of any

kind with regard to any service, product or person in any way for the actions ensuing from advertising. This publication contains elements adult in nature and may not be suitable

for minors. Some of the products and services available through advertisements are not for purchase by minors. SX Publications, Nightwire cannot be held responsible for

photos submitted by advertisers and photography supplied by advertisers or vendors without a release from the model(s). SX Publications, Nightwire will assume no liability for

misprints, typos, ad print quality, ad placement or incorrect ad copy.


Altar Boyz

CULTURAL TRUST

ALTAR BOYZ, the acclaimed musical

comedy now in its third year Off-

Broadway at New World Stages, is the

winner of the coveted Outer Critics Circle

Award for Best Musical Off-Broadway and

the longest running new musical comedy

to open in New York in years. It was also

recently awarded the Audience Award for

Favorite Long Running Musical from

Broadway.com. Full of sharp parody,

sinfully spectacular dancing, and irreverent

humor, this spoof about a heavenly guygroup

is adored by audiences and critics

alike. With an extraordinary mix of sidesplitting

songs “convincing enough to be

played on MTV,” uncontrollable laughs and lighthearted fun,

this award-winning and totally original new musical is 90

minutes of pure delight that's suitable for all ages and will

have the whole family laughing and singing along.

Among the devoted fans of ALTAR BOYZ, known as

Altarholics, are such bold-faced names as Anna Maria

Alberghetti, Ann Rutherford (Gone With the Wind), Ana

Gasteyer (“Saturday Night Live”), Anne Jeffreys, Anthony Rapp

and Rosario Dawson (Rent film), Armando Valdes-Kennedy

(“CSI: Miami”), Christine Ebersole, Frances Sternhagen

(“Cheers”, “Sex & The City”), Cynthia Nixon, David Hyde

Pierce, Dick Gautier, Donna Mills, Doris Roberts, Ellen Greene

(Little Shop of Horrors), Esther Williams, Jai Rodriquez (“Queer

Eye”), Jason Kidd (NJ Nets), Jeff Timmons (98 Degrees),

Jennifer Ferrin (“As The World Turns”), Joan Rivers, John

Kander (Cabaret, Chicago), John Savage, Kandice Pelletier

(Miss New York), Kathy Bates, Kevin Bacon, Laura Benanti,

Marcia Wallace (“Newhart”), Mario Cantone, Michael Cerveris

(Sweeney Todd), Michelle Lee, Mike Stoller, Mr. Blackwell,

Ricky Paull Goldin (“Guiding Light”), Rosie O'Donnell, Simon

Russell Beale, Stella Stevens, Stephen Flaherty (Ragtime),

Stephen Schwartz (Wicked), Stephen Sondheim, Tommy Tune,

Trevor Penick (O-Town), Twyla Tharp and countless others who

have seen the show over and over. For all the gossip on the

BOYZ, visit www.altarholics.com

Critics are spreading the word coast to coast: “Finally, an

Off Broadway musical that actually works!” (Jason Zinoman,

The New York Times); “Sly and funny subversion, terrific

voices, soothing harmonies, and deliciously funny numbers. It

sends you home with a smile! Made up of five potential Teen

People cover boys.” (Charles Isherwood, The New York Times);

“Thank Heaven for Altar Boyz! It keeps you laughing all

evening long. If laughter is a form of salvation, my soul is

clean!” (Howard Kissel, Daily News); “Hilarious! This

sweet and sassy, witty and completely unpretentious

show sends everybody out on a cloud of mirth - and we

mean everybody! Finally, a show to unite the

country!”(Jacques Le Sourd, Journal News); “Ninety

minutes of heavenly hilarity!” (The Boston Globe); “You’ll

laugh your socks off!” (The Chicago Tribune); “Hallelujah

brothers and sisters! Altar Boyz is in town. Funny songand-dance

numbers that never stop and a talented cast

of five handsome men keep Fort Lauderdale jumpin'

from beginning to end. It's top-notch musical theater!”

(Miami Herald).

ALTAR BOYZ is directed by Stafford Arima and

choreographed by Christopher Gattelli. ALTAR BOYZ has

music and lyrics by Gary Adler and Michael Patrick

Walker with book by Kevin Del Aguila, based on a

concept by Marc Kessler and Ken Davenport. Casting

for the ALTAR BOYZ includes Matthew Buckner (as

Matthew), Ryan J Ratliff (Mark), Jesse JP Johnson

(Luke), Jay Garcia (Juan) and Ryan Strand (Abraham –

he’s Jewish!)

ALTAR BOYZ will begin performances at the Byham

Theater on Tuesday, April 24, and continue running

through Sunday, May 6, as part of the PNC Broadway

Across America – Pittsburgh series. The performance

schedule for each week is as follows: Tuesday –

Thursday, 7:30 p.m.; Friday at 8 p.m.; Saturday at 2 p.m.

and 8 p.m.; and Sunday at 1 p.m. (ASL-interpreted

performance on May 6) and 6:30 p.m. Tickets (

$19.50 - $54.50) may be purchased at the

Box Office at Theater Square, online at

www.pgharts.org or by calling 412-456-6666.

May 2007 •

5


WINE AND BREW

Sunset Wheat Hits the Burgh

Miller Brewing Co. subsidiary Jacob Leinenkugel

Brewing Co. introduced Sunset Wheat in Midwestern

markets last spring, and rolled it out here in Pittsburgh

early this year. After purchasing the Jacob Leinenkugel

Brewing Company, a 140 year old family brewery, Miller

promised them that they would allow this craft brewery

to continue their family tradition of brewing craft beer.

The brewery is located in Chippewa Falls, WI and they

are the leading craft brewer in the Midwest.

Today, fifth-generation Leinenkugel brothers Jake and

Dick have continued their great-great grandfather’s

dedication to brewing great beer. In an exclusive

interview with Dick, Nightwire gained some insight into

this family and their brewery.

When asked about the Miller acquisition, Dick stated

that he felt the acquisition of the brewery was a very

positive move – “it’s the best of both worlds”, because

Miller agreed to leave the brewery to do what it does

best – brew craft beers. In addition, Miller provides the

brewery with all the resources to succeed - from

marketing and promotion, to raw market prices on

things such as glass, grains, hops and malt, thereby

giving a smaller brewery the leverage and clout of a

large company. With the Miller support this brewery will

definitely thrive.

When asked what it was like growing up in a family

of brewers, Dick said that “it’s in your blood!” On

weekends as a young boy he would explore the

brewery, and by age 17 was giving tours. He learned

about the brewing process from the ground up. In his

freshman year of college, he started at the bottom, all

summer he worked stapling returnable cases. He grew

up in a family rich with pride and tradition. He was told

by his grandfather, “just because your last name is

Leinenkugel, that means that you’ll have to work

harder.” And so he did, his next summer he worked as

an assistant on the delivery trucks and in his third year

he worked online in the bottling department. Jake, his

older brother, did the same learning the family business

from the bottom up.

Inspired by the golden sunsets or a relaxing getaway,

Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat is a year-round beer that

features a slightly fruity and citrus character

complemented by the gentle spiciness of coriander. It is

brewed and balanced with a combination of malted

wheat and pale barley malt, cluster hops and other

natural flavors. An orange garnish adds extra

Continued on Page 7

6 • May 2007


Breathing - Does the Wine Need Air

By: Uriel Marcovitz

As a general rule, I consider the practice of giving wine

time to “breathe” before it’s served to be somewhat

overrated.

The idea behind it is simple: Wines that need aging may

be shy on aroma and flavor when they’re first opened, a

characteristic that’s sometimes described in wine speak as

“closed” or “tight.” Give them a little exposure to air, the

theory goes, and you’re providing a rough-and-ready

substitute for the more gentle oxidation that occurs with

fine wines as they age in the cellar.

While there’s some truth in this, it’s worth remembering

that it only applies to certain wines. Most wines are fresh

and fruity and ready to go as soon as they’re put in the

bottle, and letting these wines breathe risks missing out on

their first blush of freshness. Worse still is the risk you take

in breathing an older wine that's fully mature, as some

older wines - like some older people - become fragile with

age and may give up their spirit very quickly after the cork

is pulled.

So, I recommend breathing only for young, tannic

wines, typically reds as a way to ease the initial "closed"

quality or harshness from tannins. But, if you do it at all,

don't simply pull the cork, which exposes only a tiny circle

of wine the size of a dime in the bottleneck to the air.

Rather, pour a glass, and do it briskly so the wine gets a

WINE AND BREW

good exposure to the atmosphere. Then leave it for an

hour or two, and you may find that the wine “opens up”

before dinner.

Another approach, of course, is simply to open the wine

at the time you serve it, take it as it comes, but if you find

it shy, harsh and astringent, push back your glass and

enjoy it after dinner, when it's had time to breathe.

These wines are available at Sonoma Grille, 947 Penn

Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15222 (412) 697-1336 and at PA State

Stores.

Franciscan Cabernet - A tasty treat, a consistently

excellent wine with great tannins and delicious mouthfeel.

A truly great value.

Stags Leap Winery Merlot - A firmly structured wine

with strong character, A truly classic merlot in the

Bordeaux style. Absolutely a winner.

Flowers Perrenial Pinot Noir -Fruit aromas such as red

currant, cherry, raspberry, and plum are at the core of this

wine. Hints of clove, mineral and perfume contribute to the

most seamless Perennial to date. Mouth filling flavors of

earth and plum, a smooth texture, followed by a wellbalanced

tannin and acidity profile. Delicious !!!

~Uriel Marcovitz is the Sommelier and General Manager, Sonoma Grille

continued from page 6

refreshment and a chance to “get away to a better

place” in every bottle.

Last April, Sunset Wheat was awarded a bronze

medal in the herb and spice beer category at the

World Beer Cup, the world’s largest and most

diverse international beer competition for

commercial breweries. In October, they took home

the silver at the Great American Beer Festival which

featured 2,410 beers from more than 450 brewers

from across the U.S.

Leinekugel’s Sunset Wheat is making quite an

impact on the Pittsburgh market. The Nightwire staff

was invited to sample and taste test Sunset Wheat

against Blue Moon. We all agreed that this craft

wheat beer was a far superior beer when compared

head to head. If you like Blue Moon we think you are

going to “love” Sunset Wheat. You can try Sunset

Wheat at the following locations

Harold’s Inn, Aliquippa – Shenanigans, Babcock

Blvd, North Hills – Lil Melius, Beaver – Sals, Beaver

Falls – Pittsburgh Bottle Shop, Bridgeville – South

Hills Roadhouse, Brownsville Road – Sunny Jim’s,

Camp Horne Road – Zander’s, Frankstown Road –

Star Lite Lounge, Blawnox - Middle Road Inn,

Glenshaw - Buffalo Wild Wings, Greensburg – Large

Hotel, Large – Coyote Café, Bloomfield – Buffalo

Wild Wings, Monroeville – Pugliano’s Italian Grill,

Monroeville – Tolerico’s, Monroeville – Bella Luna,

Monroeville – Zooky’s, New Brighton – Long Branch

Saloon, New Brighton – Fox & Hound, North Hills –

Rivertown Pub, North Huntingdon – McFadden’s,

North Shore – Ugly, North Shore – Finnegan’s Wake,

North Shore – Bootleggers, Oakland – Hemingways,

Oakland – Peter’s Pub, Oakland – Buffalo Wild

Wings, Robinson – North Park Lounge Clubhouse,

Robinson – Jabby Joe’s, Robinson – Buffalo Blues,

Shady Side – Harris Grill, Shady Side – Pittsburgh

Deli Co, Shady Side – Dee’s Café, South Side – The

Library, South Side – Smokin Joe’s, South Side –

Buckhead Saloon, Station Square – Hard Rock,

Station Square – Back Room, Head Stones,

Loose Moose.

May 2007 •

7


PREDICTIONS

These true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from

a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist

predictions.

ARIES - The Liar

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with.

Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves

relationships, Addictive. Loud.

TAURUS - The Tramp

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to

give a good fight for what they want. Extremely

outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good

kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person.

One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most

attractive people on earth!

GEMINI - Irresistible

Nice Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in

the you know where... Lover not a fighter, but will still

knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud.

Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make

out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST

IRRESISTIBLE.

CANCER - The Cutie

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one

of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will

ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and

proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great telling stories.

Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes

down to it. Someone you should hold on to.

LEO - The Lion

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back.

Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost

anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down

to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long

relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to

find. Good when found.

VIRGO - The One that Waits

Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right

now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud.

Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy

to please. The one and only.

LIBRA - The Lame One

Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly,

fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person

you will ever meet! however not the kind of person you

wanna mess with ... u might end up crying...

SCORPIO - The Addict

EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good

sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser.

Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves

being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Caring.

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found.

Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not

one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to

everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun

and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you

will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!!! Not the

kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up

crying.

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future.

Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker.

Always gets what he or she wants. Cool Loves to own

Gemini's in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart.

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water

Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves

being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic.

Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter,

But will Knock your lights out.

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal.

Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be

around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of

Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants.

Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.

8 • May 2007


Y O G A

T R I B A L

B E L L Y

D A N C E

MODERN

D A N C E

CAPOEIRA

breathe

SPECIALIZED

MASSAGE

YOGA1113 East Carson Street

3rd Floor

Historic South Side

81.YOGA

412

12/481

81

www.breathe-yogastudio.com


RELATIONSHIPS

The Martian’s Guide to Intimacy

By: Kara Czerniak

Some couples don’t have a clue as to what is missing

in their relationship or what intimacy looks like to either

one of them. When it comes to real long-term intimacy

between couples, there seem to be some general

guidelines they follow. The “Martian’s Guide to Intimacy”

answers the question: What would a Martian who came

to Earth to study

intimate Earthlings

find them doing

First, our martian

anthropologist

would notice that

people who are

intimate spend time

together.

Unfortunately, the

luxury of time to talk

and interact is often

more available at

work than at home.

Think, even when in

the same room, how

much time do you

really connect

Second, our

Martian would

notice that people

who are intimate

talk about

vulnerable feelings,

hopes, and dreams.

Men do not typically

share their vulnerable feelings such as fear, hurt, or

embarrassment as readily as women do. Many men

seem to specialize in showing only one emotion: anger. If

you are a man, here is an experiment for you: Try saying

one thing a week about something that has worried you,

frightened you, or hurt you that week. If your partner

responds well, maybe you should make a habit of telling

her or him your vulnerable feelings. Talking about

vulnerable feelings can be a good litmus test of the

potential for intimacy in a relationship. How does your

partner react to your intimate admissions Vulnerability

means just that -- the person who is doing the revealing

is vulnerable to being hurt -- so take care to respond

nonjudgmentally when your partner is so exposed.

The third observation that our Martian anthropologist

would make is that people who are intimate touch each

other a fair amount. Maybe they hug or hold hands;

maybe they put their arms around each other and sit

close enough so that their bodies touch. If the Martian

gains access to bedrooms, he would observe touching.

The next observation that our Martian scientist would make

is that intimacy is usually different for men and women. For

women, intimacy involves discussing the nature of your

relationship, your intentions in the relationship, and your

feelings of affection for the other person. For men, no

discussion is necessary. For men, intimacy is usually implied, If

I am spending time with

you, then I obviously like

you. If we are friends for

years and have spent

lots of time together, we

are close friends.

Whatever the reason,

men rarely discuss their

relationships with their

“best buddies.”

One other action that

we think our Martian

friend would observe is

that people who are

intimate do thoughtful

actions for each other --

grants of daily loving

behaviors. We call them

grants, not loans,

because loans need to

be paid back, but grants

are given freely. A grant

has no contingencies. “I’ll

cook tonight, if you cook

tomorrow night” is not a

grant. Things like

bringing coffee to your spouse in bed, going outside to get the

paper for him or her, getting something repaired that your

partner is supposed to handle -- these are the grants of

kindness that a Martian would observe when studying intimate

couples.

Many couples neglect the ongoing maintenance of the

closeness in their relationship. They assume that, once they

have developed a sense of intimacy, they can count on it

being there in the future. That’s like planting a garden and then

never weeding or watering it. It may survive, but usually a

garden needs regular tending to keep it growing. Give your

relationship ongoing attention and a little “intimacy food” every

now and then, and watch it flourish!

~Kara Czerniak is a romance consultant with UndercoverWear, Inc., a company dedicated to

educating women of all ages how to enhance their sexuality and femininity, and empower their

relationships. She can be contacted for home parties and individual questions at

412-719-7003 or by email at karaucw@comcast.net.

10 • May 2007


“Kill Pit” in Pittsburgh

Spike TV began production March 28 in Pittsburgh –

filming in Market Square and Lawrenceville on the fastpaced,

thrilling original scripted eight-hour dramatic event

“The Kill Pit”. Steve Shill (“The Sopranos,” “The Wire,”

“Rome” and the upcoming series “The Tudors”) has been

signed to direct the eight-hour series and will serve as a

co-executive producer with Mandeville and Lions Gate.

The series revolves around a downtown bank robbery

by a team of American Iraqi-War veterans that goes

terribly awry and the hostage negotiations that ensue.

Amphitheatre at Sandcastle

Sandcastle Waterpark and Live Nation have made the

decision to postpone the opening of the Amphitheatre at

Sandcastle until the spring of 2008.

Tom Mendenhall, SVP with Live Nation, stated that “An

aggressive construction schedule and delays in obtaining

necessary permits led us to the conclusion that it was in

everyone’s best interest to delay the opening until 2008.”

Live Nation is still considering producing festivals

including the Pittsburgh Irish Festival at Riverplex adjacent

ENTERTAINMENT

More than a dozen hostages from all walks of life are

taken, ranging from the daughter of a business tycoon to

co-workers in a heated relationship. Throughout the eighthour

event, viewers will follow the escalating action as the

volatile soldiers plot their way out, the negotiator

anticipates their moves and the hostages desperately try

to survive. Time is critical and the game intensifies with

surprising twists at every turn.

“The Kill Pit” is slated to premiere on Spike TV on

Sunday, July 22.

to Sandcastle this season. Construction for the overall

amphitheatre project will begin this fall.

Peter J. McAneny, President of Kennywood

Entertainment who operates Sandcastle Waterpark, stated

that “Although disappointed that we have to delay the

opening we firmly believe that it is the correct decision.

We continue to be excited about the opportunity to work

with Live Nation and to bring this new venue to life in

2008.”

May 2007 •

11


DINING

Seviche

By: Suz Pisano

Miami’s South Beach has landed

in Pittsburgh! Seviche located at 930

Penn Avenue, brings, hip, hot and

absolutely beautiful cuisine right to

the heart of the Cultural District.

Seviche means marinated fresh

seafood that “cooks” in citrus fruit

acids. The results are delicious tapas

served by friendly outgoing staff in a

welcoming atmosphere, alive with

the hot colors reminiscent of Latin

America. Seviche definitely serves

raw with a twist! Plus, the extensive

bar menu will most definitely delight.

Look forward to offerings of different

Mojitos, (yes, there are more than

the basic!), Martinis, Frozen Drinks,

Imported Beers, Rums, and Wines

by the glass and bottle.

Immediately upon entering this

new bar and restaurant, you’ll feel

live you’ve been transported to the

lounge you’ve always wanted to be

at in the ‘burgh. Small, tall tables

surround the bar, while couches in the window allow for the

perfect spot to be seen. This will be a beautiful people place,

without the pretention. Owner, Albert Torchia planned the

location, selection of staff, and mood of Seviche very

carefully. He likes that the staff like not only the restaurant,

but each other as well. Everyone gets along here and the

attitude is certainly contagious. You’ll definitely get the feeling

that everyone is welcome here. Seviche prides itself on

being very friendly and that seems to go hand-in-hand with

the sharing of small plates – tapas.

Now let’s get down to the food- ahhh, the tapas...we

tasted so many with each different than the next. We were

greeted by Chef Curiel Bame who explained that most of the

recipes were derived from his mother’s native Mexican

cuisine. At Seviche, he was given the opportunity to refine

each tapas and make them his own. The first round

presented to our table were - Steamed Mussels ($8) served

with green curry, coconut milk and fennel brunoise. The

mussels were perfectly steamed, plump and tender. Ancho

Dusted Camarones ($10) grilled Venezuelan prawns served

skewered, spicy and with pineapple, quince chutney. This

was a wonderful complement of sweet, with nice and spicy.

The Fire and Ice Seviche ($8) was served on single serving

spoons and we were directed to eat them like a “shooter”.

The traditional seviche recipe is made a little spicier in this

version with habanero peppers, red onion and topped with a

prickly pear granita. Very different but great with a mojito!

We’ve never had anything like it - but would definitely

recommend it & try it again. The next dish we were served

was Filet Mignon A La Plancha ($12). Melt in your mouth filet

12 • May 2007


DINING

served with saffron alioli, confit of wild mushrooms

and a tempranillo reduction. Not one bite of this dish

remained! Chef Curiel’s mix of flavor is both daring

and diverse. His plating and presentation of every

dish is meticulous, and you’ll really appreciate the

beauty of each offering. It’s so nice to be served such

beautiful food, it will really give you an appreciation

for the preparation and ingredients. Tiradito ($8) a

Peruvian style sashimi was next and if you’re a fan of

sashimi tuna - this is the tapas for you. It’s prepared

with lemon juice, cilantro oil, red chili and sea salt. So

fresh and tender served with jicama and calabaza

slaw. I highly recommend this tapas. Next we were

served a Bocadillo (meaning little sandwich), Grilled

Pulled Pork Cuban ($9). These little sandwiches had

Manchego cheese and a very tender pork filling. I

think I’ll order these every time I come to Seviche,

they were that good. We also sampled the Pork

Empenada ($7), which quickly became one of our favorites.

We were not expecting a spicy filling in fried bread dough.

These are served with a house salsa that makes it extra

delicious and tangy. Salmon Croquettas ($6) were presented

with Latin American sweet potato and we loved these as well.

Delicate and crispy, another perfect tapas. Our last tapas was

the Asian Tartare. This was almost too delicious to eat - Tuna

Tartare served on sushi rice and nori rolls with white truffle oil

wasabi mayonnaise and Tobiko caviar. This will change your

thoughts on sushi forever, it was so delicious that I wanted to

scoop up the mayonnaise with my finger. Everyone at the

table, even some not sushi fans, loved this. Asian Tartare is

another highly recommended dish.

On the menu at Seviche, you can order single plates for $8

or three tapas for $18. The Chef’s Table consists of seven

courses of assorted Seviche and tapas tastings for $35 per

person. If you’re not sure what to order - this may be the way

to go. Following all of the plates we were served, of course

dessert was to follow. We couldn’t imagine what Chef Curiel

was about to serve - his desserts change frequently. This night

the offerings were Tres Leche Cake which is marinated in three

types of milk and plated with chocolate sauce & strawberries.

This is a delicate in texture yet creamy sweet

concoction. I’ve never had anything like it & we all loved

it. Two different kinds of Mexican Ice Cream Sandwiches

were filled with homemade chocolate and homemade

quince and cinnamon ice creams. The cookie part of the

sandwich reminded me of a flourless chocolate cake

dense, decadent & delicious. The last dessert we tried

were the Banana Fritters topped with pineapple and an

interesting red pepper. The warm fritter with the sweet

pineapple was accentuated nicely with the red pepper. It

not only looked gorgeous but really expanded the flavor,

not too hot but definitely a twist on an old favorite.

It’s rare that a new restaurant opens to be an instant

success but with a young and vibrant chef, excellent

décor, good music, great service, fine food, drinks and

dessert. Seviche has arrived and will be around for a

long, long time. Check out Monday nights for Salsa

dancing! Seviche is open Monday through Saturday from

5pm until 1am. It’s going to be my first choice in town

for late night bites. Get there soon - I foresee a line out

the door in no time. Congratulations Seviche!

www.seviche.com

May 2007 •

13


May 2007 •

15


MUSIC

Peace, Love and Boogie

By: Trish Imbrogno

Photos by Todd Brunozzi

What do you get when you combine the smooth sounds of Marvin

Gaye and Curtis Mayfield, some hot James Brown funk, and the classic

jazz of Herbie Hancock and Marcus Miller A unique blend of music and

voice with a whole lot of soul…

Since 2003, the Boogie Hustlers have been spreading peace, love and

boogie in the Pittsburgh area. The 8-piece band began playing small

venues around the area, and premiered as a “festival” band at Spring

Fest, an intimate weekend of music, in 2004.

Backed by a mob of talent, lead men Sean “Rigs” Reiger and Vince

Wylie watched the Band’s popularity explode after the release of their

debut album “122 Ellsworth” in early 2006. Since that time, the Boogie

Hustlers have expanded from a local band to a nationally touring act,

playing festivals and venues from Kansas to Vermont, Georgia to Illinois,

and regularly touring I-95 from DC to the Big Apple. They have shared

the stage with The Black Crowes, Robert Randolph, Les Claypool and

Tea Leaf Green.

The Boogie Hustlers’ music reflects their personal sacrifice to make

16 • May 2007


MUSIC

the music they all love. The majority of the members of the

group support themselves through other means, making the

ultimate sacrifice of time away from loved ones, and

occasionally monetary hemorrhaging to make their musical

aspirations a reality. Often time, the band makes a long drive

home in the early morning on Sunday so trumpet player,

Shaun Bell, can continue to play for his church. Ryan Meals is

a substitute teacher when not tearing it up on rhythm guitar for

the band. Bandleader Sean Rigs has a painting company he

runs to support his wife and four year old daughter, Kaia.

Keyboardist, Greg Barbone is so eager to get this band to the

top that he’s forfeiting his commencement ceremonies at

Duquesne University’s Mary Pappert School of Music to play a

festival in Ohio.

The Boogie Hustlers have a sound that will grab a hold and

make you move. From Darnell Anderson laying down sax lines

to the groove from drummer Dave Jamison, they are a mustsee

band! You can see for yourself on May 18 and 19, when

they headline two nights at Spring Fest in Fairchance, PA

(www.kindshows.com), the very festival at which they made

their debut in 2004. Another Pittsburgh favorite, No Bad JuJu

will also share the stage at Spring Fest this year! Forth of July

weekend at Nelsons Ledges in Garrettsville, OH (only a short

dive from Pittsburgh), the Hustlers will open for Ekoostik

Hookah at one of the largest festivals of the summer, Grateful

Fest. They will also release a new album on June 29 with a

party at the REX Theater on the Southside.

In addition to seeing the Hustlers live, you can hear them

locally on WYEP (91.3 FM). “122 Ellsworth” is available for

download on iTunes, or you can purchase it (and much more

Hustler gear) on their website, www.boogiehustlers.com.

Don’t forget to make them your friend on Myspace,

www.myspace.com/theboogiehustlers.

May 2007 •

17


18 • May 2007

Calico


May 2007 •

19


Photography by Todd Brunozzi

Deadhorse Point

Moonrise Over Mesa

Mexican Ha

Slot Canyon

Delicate Arc


Monument Valley

Deadhorse Point

Bryce Canyon

xican Hat

Balanced Rock

licate Arch

Road to Monument Valley

Newspaper Rock


May 2007 •

23


NIGHTTECH

Cushion Control

A new generation of remote controls: a bunch of

different cushions each having its own function: one for

the channels, one for the power, one for the volume and

so on. These remote controls can be thrown around,

transforming the fights over “who has the remote” into

playful cushion fights.

http://www.didierandnicholas.com/

22 • May 2007


JOKES JOKES JOKES

Stuff To Make You Laugh

The Coach

At one point during a game, the coach called one of

his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do

you understand what cooperation is What a team is"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we

win or lose together as a team" The little boy nodded

yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when

an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the

umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand

all that

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, “And when I take you out of the game

so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good

sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb butt' is it"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and

explain all that to your grandmother"!

Why Sentence Structure Is So

Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it

down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an

impossible decision because they were both super

workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would

fire the first one who used the water cooler the next

morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible

hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler

to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've

never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off" she says. "I feel like crap."

Arkansas Surgeons

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas.

In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers

in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he

performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young

man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I

reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in

track and field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several

years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and

she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an

hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair

and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now

she's a Senator from New York who may be our next president

Ol’ Blue

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but

about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly

squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says,

"you won't believe the wonders that modern education is

coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at

Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get

him in that program"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll

get him into the course. So, his father sends the dog and the

$1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs

out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you

just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this

program that they've implemented a new one to teach the

animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do

to get him in that program"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. His father sends

the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his

father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So

he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is

all excited. "Where's Ole Blue I just can't wait to see him talk

and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday

morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the

living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street

Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked,

'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead

who lives in town'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch

before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer......)

24 • May 2007


PONDER THIS

One Question Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important

one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where

you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional

situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet

spontaneous.

Please read slowly and give due consideration

to each line.

The Situation

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos

all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are photojournalist

working for a major newspaper, and you're

caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is

nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There

are houses and people swirling around you, some

disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all

of its destructive fury.

The Test

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for

her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You

move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You

suddenly realize who it is.

It's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are

about to take her under forever. You have two options: You

can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a

dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the

death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her

mind, at least).

The Question

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

1. Would you select high contrast color film, or

2. Would you go with the classic simplicity of black and

white

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Three men and three women are traveling by train to the

Super Bowl. At the station, the three women each buy a

ticket and watch as the three men buy just one ticket. "How

are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket" asks

one of the women. "Watch and learn," answers one of the

men.

They all board the train. The three women take their

respective seats but all three men cram into a toilet together

and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the

conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the

toilet door and says, "Ticket, please.”

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges

with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The women see this

happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the

game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip

and save some money. When they get to the station

they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to

their astonishment, that the three men don't buy any

ticket at all!!

How are you going to travel without a ticket" says

one perplexed woman.

"Watch and learn," answer the men.

When they board the train, the three women cram

themselves into a toilet, and the three men cram into

another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train

is on its way, one of the men leaves her toilet and

walks over to the toilet in which the women are hiding.

The man knocks on their door and says, "Ticket,

please."

I'm still trying to figure out why women ever think

they are smarter than men.

May 2007 •

25


26 • May 2007


May 2007 •

27


HUMOR

Irish Jokes

Paddy Murphy

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like

he'd just been run over by a train.

His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut

and bruised and he's walking with a limp

"What happened to you" asks Sean, the bartender. "

Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't

do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,

and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended

yourself, didn't you have something in your hand"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and

a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Another Irish Joke

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is

driving home from the city one night and, of course, his

car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,

where have ya been"

Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a

few to drink this evening."

I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and

folding his arms across his chest, "that a few

intersections back, your wife fell out of your car"

Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute

there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O’Malley

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,

when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

Brenda, may I come in" he asks. "I've somethin'

to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're

always welcome, Tim.

But where's my husband" "That's what I'm here to be

telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must,

Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim"

It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout

and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he

at least go quickly"

Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday

morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary "

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down

that damn gun...'

And The Best For Last

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a

confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the

drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper

on this side either!"

28 • May 2007


HUMOR

Larry The Accountant

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says,

"Where in the hell have you been"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get"

I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking" she said, shaking her

head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a

hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a

while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money

feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out

shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred

bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 232 at John Hopkins Hospital.

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me

Why my house is such a mess.

He asked if I'd been 'computering',

And I had to answer "yes".

He told me to get off my fanny

And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...

The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.

That really did the trick...

I was just admiring my work...

I didn't mean to 'click'.

But click, I did, and oops I found

A real absorbing site !

That I got SO way into...

I was into it all night. Sigh

Nothing's changed except my mouse

It's very, very shiny.

I guess my house will stay a mess...

While I sit here on my hiney.

Bubba

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems.

Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody

under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. Just put

yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink.

Come talk to me three times a week, and we should

be able to get rid of those fears. How much do you

charge eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor

I'll sleep on it," said Bubba. Six months later the

doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you

ever come to see me about those fears you were

having" asked the psychiatrist. Eighty dollars a

week for a year is an awful lot of money! A

bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have

saved all that money that I went and bought me a

new pickup"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a

bartender cure you He told me to cut the legs off

the bed! Ain't nobody under there now !!

Heaven or Hell

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting

it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a

sudden she hears the most awful blood curdling

screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only

someone having the holes put into her shoulder

blades for wings." The old lady looks a little

uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling

screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is

happening" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's

just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't

do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You

can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and

sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got

the holes drilled for that."

Quote of the Month

I LOVE MY COMPUTER BECAUSE MY FRIENDS

LIVE IN IT!!

May 2007 •

29


JOKES, JOKES, JOKES

Living In the South

Tennessee:

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying

an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some

mathematical help. He called her into his office and

said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee

and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000,

minus 14%, how much would you take off" The

secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

"Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those

Tennessee women.

Alabama:

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and

paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the

hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of

an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry" the others

asked.." Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple

of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer

back" they inquired. " A tough call," nodded the hunter.

"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying...

"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in

Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be

in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana

20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the

store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just

stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba

replied, "Did you see who it was "The young man

answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

West Virginia:

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-

65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID" The driver replied,

"Bout whut"

North Carolina:

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the

side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of

flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got

back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he

drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back.

He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I

have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the

flowers" The man responded, "When you break down they

tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never

did understand it neither."

And our favorite:

You can say what you want about the South, but you never

hear of anyone retiring and moving North!

White Wedding Dress

Son asked his mother the following question:

Mom, why are wedding dresses white"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows

your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this

with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white" The

father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all

household appliances come in white.

Catholic heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open

heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of

nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun

asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for

his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy

voice,

"No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in

the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help

you"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are

not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my

brother-in-law."

30 • May 2007


TODD

AD


HUMOR

Children

Things to Think About

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are

our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...

here is something to make you chuckle.

1. You spend the first two years of their life

teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend

the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Whenever your children are out of control,

you can take comfort from the thought that

even God's omnipotence did not extend

to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,

God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T! "

"Don't what "

Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit

We have forbidden fruit

Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! "

" No Way! " "Yes way! " "Do NOT eat the fruit! " said God.

"Why "

"Because I am your Father and I said so! " God replied,

wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the

elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple

break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit " God asked. "Uh huh,"

Adam replied. "Then why did you " said the Father. "I don't

know," said Eve. "She started it! " Adam said. "Did not! ""Did

too! " "DID NOT! "Having had it with the two of them,

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have

children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed..

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

2. Grandchildren are God's reward

for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why

some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word

what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties

is to remind yourself that there are children

more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes,

but they are still getting in.

Immigration Officer

The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed

all the tests so far, there is only one test left.

Unless you pass it you cannot enter the United States of

America. Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink

and Green."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green,

and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar."

Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works

at a Verizon help desk.

I talked to him yesterday.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children

wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If

God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it

would be a piece of cake for you...

May 2007 •

33


THINK ABOUT THIS

Here are some more thoughts

for the Month

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious

differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2... I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every

minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend

on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal

to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out

alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk

to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are

missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,

why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being

under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to

Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want

Fries With That

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a

cash advance.

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was

already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless

dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses

up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a

lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background

music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a

Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is

going on.

Advice For The Day

Be nice to your kids.

They will choose your

nursing home one day.

And Finally

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION

AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,

DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO

ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

32 • May 2007


WISDOM

The Wisdom of Larry

the Cable Guy...

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below

average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second

mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some

people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad

memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of

payments.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong

lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet

engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

"What the heck happened"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall

off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people

appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of

jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis Raise

my hand.

Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother,

met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy

was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so

much, that she fell in love with him right there but never

asked for his number and could not find him. A few

days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister

Answer to Psychopath Test:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to

test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested

serial killers took part in the test and answered the question

correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good

for you. If you did, it was good to knowing you.

Give this some thought before reading the next column

34 • May 2007


HUMOR

First Time Sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big

event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she

would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he

takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells

the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the

boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to

know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist

asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,

10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack

because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time

and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and

meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to

meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is

taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A

minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his

head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the

boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no

idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers

back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

There Were Two Nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for

the past thirty-eight and a half minutes I wonder what he

wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes

at the most! What can we do

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk

faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only

logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do At this rate he will reach us in

one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that

way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is

worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't

follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run

as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he

could.

SM: And

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his

pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister A nun with her dress up can

run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Mary’s…

May 2007 •

35


HUMOR

Italian Boy’s Confession

Things Found Only in America

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a

loose girl". The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny

Parisi" "Yes, Father, it is."And who was the girl you were

with" "I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her

reputation." "Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name

sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina

Minetti" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Volpe" "I'll never

tell." "Was it Nina Capelli" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name

her." "Was it Cathy Piriano" "My lips are sealed." "Was it

Rosa Di Angelo, then" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,

Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and

have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4

months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides

over and whispers,"What'd you get" "4 months vacation

and five good leads."

Wimpiest Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning

strikes, he slides underneath our bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared

that when my mother works nightshift, he sleeps with the

woman next door."

Water or Wine

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have

demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at

the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1

kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In

other words, we are consuming 1 kilo ofPoop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine (or

rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go

through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or

fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house

faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking

places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick

walk all the way to the back of the store to get their

prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes

at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese

burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the

vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth

thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our

useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines

to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't

miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in

the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages

of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to

describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning

'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM

machines with Braille lettering.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to

drink water and be full of poop. There is no need to thank

me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public

service.

36 • May 2007


PUNS

No Pun intended

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll

serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm

and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you"!

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of

Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it

common" "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy

says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true," says Daisy. "No

bull!"

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. Their kids are

nothing to look at.

10. Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic who sits up night

after night wondering if there really is a Dog

11. I went to buy some camouflage pants the other day but I

couldn't find any.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the

other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit

a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once

again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent

tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager

came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But

why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he

said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open

foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named

"Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name

him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself

to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells

her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of

Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've

seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, was a great spiritual

leader. He walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He

also ate very little, which made him rather frail and thin.

And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This

made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good). A supercalloused,

fragile, mystic hexed by halitosis.

12. A priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar. The

bartender says, "What is this, a joke"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week and got hurt. The

doctor says I pulled a mussel.

20 And finally, there was the person who told ten

different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least

one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten

did.

May 2007 •

37


HOROSCOPES

By: Kris Brandt Riske

ARIES: THE RAM (March 20 to April 19) Family

relationships benefit from the Sun, Venus and Mercury as

this trio travels in Gemini, your communication sign and

Cancer which guides your domestic life. Couples delight

in time together at home, being lazy and working on

home improvements. Home is also the best place to

socialize, so consider hosting a holiday get-together for

friends and neighbors at month’s end.

TAURUS: THE BULL (April 19 to May 20) You’re on the

go seeing friends and socializing the first two weeks of

May as Mars travels in Pisces, your friendship sign. After

that, the pace slows and you’ll enjoy quiet, quality time

with your closest pals and partner. If you’re searching for

love, someone fascinating could appear as if by magic

after Venus enters Cancer on May 8. Introduce yourself to

neighbors and be alert as you run errands and go about

your daily activities.

GEMINI: THE TWINS (May 20 to June 21) Mars, your

friendship planet, zips into Aries, your friendship sign,

May 15. That’s a terrific influence for your social life, as

warmer temperatures encourage outdoor activities with

friends. Fill your calendar with dates, events, and outings

the next six weeks. A positive financial trend begins this

month with the May 8 arrival of Venus in Cancer, your

solar Second House of personal resources.

CANCER: THE CRAB (June 21 to July 22) May brings

you may opportunities for love, romance, and carefree

days with friends. TLC and intimate moments link hearts,

minds and passions for couples the week of the May 3

Full Moon in Scorpio as Venus completes its Gemini

transit. The same time frame brings a new romantic

interest to some singles. If you’re debating the merits of a

dating relationship, finances may be the deciding factor.

LEO: THE LION (July 22 to August 22) You can choose

to socialize with friends any time you wish this month.

There will be plenty of opportunities with Mercury, your

friendship planet, in Gemini, your friendship sign, May 11-

27. Ask a pal to arrange a date around the time the Sun

enters Gemini, may 22. The setup could be the start of a

whirlwind romance with the soul mate you’re searching

for. If you’re committed, surprise your mate with a

weekend or evening adventure and a dazzling gift.

VIRGO: THE VIRGIN (August 22 to September 22)

Your social life begins to take off May 8 when Venus

enters Cancer, your friendship sign. It’s joined by Mercury

on May 28, just in time for a holiday weekend get

together. Make a few calls, get things started, and set

your sights on meeting new people all month. Venus also

increases the odds for a new romance (thanks to a friend)

while traveling or involved in a club or organization.

LIBRA: THE BALANCE (September 22 to October 23)

Love sizzles as Mars stirs passions during its six-week

trip through Aries, which begins May 15, and has you at

your most impulsive in matters of the heart. That’s great

for spontaneous TLC with your partner, but stop short if

you even think about eloping. The fiery planet also can

spark impatience, so go easy on yourself and others,

especially loved ones.

SCORPIO: THE SCORPION (October 23 to November

22) The May 2 Full Moon in Scorpio could trigger

temporary stress and strain in a close personal

relationship when ideas, needs, and desires clash. Open

the lines of communication and try to view things from

the other person’s perspective. With a little compromise

you’ll be ready for a fresh start at the New Moon in

Taurus, your partnership sign, May 16.

SAGITTARIUS: THE ARCHER (November 22 to

December 21) Romance, togetherness, and social

events fill many of your May evenings and weekends,

with the Sun, Mercury, and Venus visiting Gemini, your

partnership sign, and Mars arriving in Aries, your solar

Fifth House of romance and recreation, May 15. The

influence peaks around the time the Sun enters Gemini

on May 22 when the spotlight is on new relationships and

cozy, intimate, TLC-filled hours for couples.

CAPRICORN: THE GOAT (December 21 to January

19) May’s New and Full Moons in your solar Fifth and

Eleventh Houses light up your social life and invite

romantic opportunities for couples and singles alike.

With Venus in Cancer, your partnership sign after May 7,

and Mercury in the same sign the last four days of May,

you’ll delight in memorable hours with your mate and

loved ones. You also can expect workplace relationships

to be congenial, supportive, and at times pleasantly

surprising. Teamwork is the way to go this month.

AQUARIUS: THE WATER BEARER (January 19 to

February 18) May is one of your best months of the year

for romance and socializing. With at least one, and at

times two, planets in Gemini your solar Fifth House of

pleasure and recreation, this month, you’ll have plenty of

opportunities for both, as well as quality time with your

children, if you’re a parent. Target the fourth week of May

to surprise your partner with memorable TLC-filled

moments. If you’re single, get things started with

someone who interests you, or ask a friend to arrange a

date.

PISCES: THE FISH (February 18 to March 20) Family

ties are in focus again this month, with Venus in Taurus

the first week. Mercury travels in the same sign May 11-

27, and is joined by the Sun on May 22. Enjoy life

together and also promote communication. Listen closely

to what your favorite people say. Chances are, they’ll

trigger new insights into current challenges, which will

cause a shift in your personal views. Get out and about

and socialize after Venus enters Cancer, your solar Fifth

House of pleasure, May 8.

38 • May 2007


CLASSIFIEDS

APRIL CLASSIFIEDS:

WANTED: Female Models

www.GeneFenton.com

724-463-7145 or 724-463-0648

HELP WANTED:

Servers - Hostess’s - Bartenders

APPLY IN PERSON – ASAP

Now Open

8600 McKnight Road

Across from Olive Garden-McIntyre Square

Pittsburgh, PA 15237

412-366-8484

PERSONALS:

Professional Personal Masseuse

Please call: 724-223-0939

Pager: 888-549-6763

Leave a message – All calls returned!

40 • May 2007

More magazines by this user
Similar magazines