Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 

Special 

Inaugural 

Ridicule 

Issue 

page 2-3 

If it’s too loud, you’re insane 

Polar Bear 

Spotted in 

Snowdrift 

page 6 

FREEDOM? -- AGGHHH! 

ACLU CLU 

Endorses 

New 

Handgun 

page 12 

January 26-February 9, 2005 

ISSUE #67 

www.buffalobeast.com

INAUGURAL BALLS 

Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage 

It makes sense, really, that most of the media 

reaction surrounding George Bush’s inaugural 

address doesn’t involve debating 

Bush’s points, but actually figuring out what 

the hell he really said. This should be 

strange, but after four years of this guy I’m 

getting used to it. 

I’m not sure, but I think there was a time, not 

so long ago, when Presidents said stuff and 

people came away knowing what had just 

happened. You know, “reduce government 

waste” or “health care for the children” or 

“Saddam has massive stockpiles of Sarin 

gas” or some other lie, but a lie you could 

hold onto. Now it’s gaseous non-sequiturs 

like “exporting democracy.” The Bush 

administration is so feverishly attuned to the 

business mindset that they describe abstract 

concepts as manufactured goods. “Spreading 

liberty.” It’s not cream cheese, you know. 

The upshot is that now, after a speech prepared 

over three months, Bush’s dad is out 

there doing damage control, assuaging foreign 

press fears that they’ll be wearing hoods 

and getting peed on by Alberto Gonzalez in a 

few weeks. I’m still not convinced they’re 

wrong. 

The real problem isn’t that Bush’s vision is 

vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda 

that has already been in place for years. It 

isn’t even that he’s completely revised his 

justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq 

for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he’s 

launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem 

about Bush’s speech is that it simply 

isn’t true, and doesn’t make any sense. It’s 

100% manure from start to finish. Let’s have 

a look: 

Across the generations, we have proclaimed 

the imperative of self-government, 

because no one is fit to be a 

master, and no one deserves to be a 

slave. Advancing these ideals is the 

mission that created our nation. 

Not true. Half the nation rode to prosperity 

on the backs of slaves. Our much-abused 

forefathers all owned them. Clearly they didn’t 

have too much trouble with the concept. 

Neither does Bush, who is trying to bully his 

own party into granting illegals quasi-legal, 

second-class status in order to create a new 

underclass for cheap, cheap labor. They said 

the south would rise again, and they were 

right. 

So it is the policy of the United States to seek 

and support the growth of democratic 

movements and institutions in every nation 

and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending 

tyranny in our world. 

Not true. Bush does not oppose tyranny. 

America does not oppose tyranny. Military 

dictatorships—those that are willing to play 

ball—have long been among America’s 

favorite business partners. We regularly 

attempt to overthrow democratically elected 

leaders who are unwilling to sell off their 

assets and screw over their people. 

If you don’t already know this stuff, you’re 

not alone. But your opinion still doesn’t matter. 

That kind of information—that is, our 

actual national history and not the vague 

assemblage of images, sound bites and anecdotes 

that most have been led to believe represents 

who we are—is a prerequisite to even 

forming an opinion that merits consideration. 

In the real world, outside the CNN studio, 

this habit of displacing weak foreign 

leaders and imposing military dictatorships 

has gone unabated and has continued full 

force under Bush, in Haiti and Venezuela, for 

example. 

Beyond that, he has been all too happy to tolerate 

tyranny in other countries—Pakistan, 

Saudi Arabia and Kuwait come to mind, not 

to mention most of Africa and South America—especially 

when his corporate friends are 

doing business there. The only reason he 

went to war in Iraq was that Hussein refused 

to go along, and we just couldn’t manage to 

assassinate the guy. Everything else is just 

presentation. 

America will not impose our own style of 

government on the unwilling. 

Oh, come on. 

2 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 

The real problem about Bush’s 

speech is that it simply isn’t true, and 

doesn’t make any sense. It’s 100% 

manure from start to finish. 

““““““ 

We felt the unity and fellowship of our 

nation when freedom came under attack, 

and our response came like a single hand 

over a single heart. And we can feel that 

same unity and pride whenever America 

acts for good, and the victims of disaster are 

given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, 

and the captives are set free. 

The “victims of disaster” bit is somewhat 

galling after Bush’s reluctance to cough up 

aid for the tsunami victims, but that “captives 

set free” line is just too much. In reality 

we’re building permanent jails in other 

countries for the express purpose of keeping 

prisoners (“detainees” in terrorspeak) in 

them, without counsel or visitation rights, or 

even charges, for the very reason that there is 

no evidence to support charges against them. 

Again: We’re throwing these people in jail 

forever, without charging them, without trying 

them, just because we can. And, truth be 

told, most of us don’t really seem to give a 

damn. Discussions about the torture issue 

these days seem to hinge on the question of 

whether torture works or not, or how it hurts 

us in the public relations area, with hardly a 

stray thought as to whether it makes us a 

clearly evil entity on the world scene. 

What kind of asshole can claim to be on a 

holy mission to eliminate tyranny while he’s 

bbyy AAllllaann UUtthhmmaann 

attaching electrodes to your balls? It has 

become painfully clear, despite executive 

protestations, that torture is a matter of policy 

in this administration. The denials only 

serve to placate those who are most determined 

not to know the truth. We have 

become a nation that will beat and rape you 

before we even know who the hell you are, 

and Allawi’s government in Iraq has gladly 

followed suit, employing many of the same 

people to do the job that Saddam hired. 

That’s Bush’s legacy. 

History has an ebb and flow of justice, but 

history also has a visible direction set by liberty 

and the author of liberty. 

There’s more meaningful lines than this in 

Jabberwocky. The speech was awash in 

grandiose, sermonic prose, not even tipping 

its hat to reality. It was the best indicator yet 

that we are all screwed, that we’ve been 

conned by a man who has no idea how the 

world works, or just doesn’t give a damn. 

My point is this: the speech was an embarrassment, 

a ridiculous fairytale version of the 

world, less nuanced than “Mighty Morphin’ 

Power Rangers.” Freedom’s on the march, 

and tyranny better look out ‘cause God’s on 

our side and we’re gonna rain some hot, 

flammable freedom on their tyrannical 

asses! 

The Europeans are freaking out, probably 

because Bush’s religiofascist rhetoric is really 

starting to remind them of someone they’d 

just as soon forget, as well as our slavishly 

fawning media and woefully misinformed, 

panicky public. 

And many of the biggest names in that 

media, especially those on TV, saw an 

entirely different speech, or at least 

they got paid enough to fake it. Here’s 

what some were saying while the rest 

of us were recovering from the ideological 

tea-bagging: 

The hideous Dick Morris, on O’Reilly, said it 

was the best speech: “... Since John F. 

Kennedy’s and one of the five or sixth greatest 

of all time. It was beautiful, it was poetic... 

and it articulated a bold new doctrine for 

American policy. It was a very substantive 

speech.” 

The Cleveland Plain Dealer called it “a thematic 

symphony keyed to the unalienable 

rights of people - the same truths this 

nation’s founders held to be self-evident.” 

Howard Fineman, not one to be outdone in 

Presidential cock-chugging, called the 

address “the biggest statement of American 

purpose in the world of any President I can 

think of. It is Woodrow Wilson on steroids. 

It’s big.” 

Wow. Wilson on steroids! Just who we need 

to straighten this country out. 

It’s hard not to be disgusted. We are an 

immensely ignorant people being robbed of 

our reputation—not to mention our money— 

by sociopath leaders with the aid of an obsequious, 

pandering press. The President 

announces a policy of preemptive war 

against, say, half the world, based on false 

premises and holy appointment, and our 

popular media acts like he dropped his pants 

and shat diamonds. 

Ready for another four years? 

Evil Publisher 

Paul Fallon 

(pfallon@buffalobeast.com) 

Just plAin eviL Syndicate 

Lee Langenfeld 

Craig Robbins 

STAFF 

Evil Editor-in-Chief 

Allan Uthman 

(aluthman@buffalobeast.com) 

Needs a Mint 

Ian Murphy 

(ian@buffalobeast.com) 

Evil Associate Editor 

Chris Crawford 

(chris@buffalobeast.com) 

Evil News Briefs 

Chris Abbey 

(cabbey@buffalobeast.com) 

Evil Cinema Critic 

Michael Gildea 

(Michael@buffalobeast.com) 

Doesn’t Do Much 

Robert Yates 

Evil Contributors 

Matt Taibbi, N. Sorrenti, Andrew Gullerstien, 

Ronnie Roscoe, Donnie Dobovich, 

Zoester Frye, Tits Biffle 

Evil Illustrators 

Jason Youngbluth , James Gielow, 

Stephen Notley, 

Evil Interns 

Some Devry Asshole 

---------------------------------------------- 

FOR ADVERTISING RATES AND 

INFO CALL PAUL 856-4355 

WARNING: This publication contains 

profanity and unpopular opinions, 

and may inform you. Uptight ninnies 

and libel lawyers are advised to put 

it down and back away slowly. 

THE BEAST 

100 South Elmwood Ave. 

Buffalo, NY 14202 

Phone: (716) 856-4355 

Fax: (716) 852-4034 

Letters to the Editors 

should be addressed to: 

sic@buffalobeast.com 

This Issue’s Confirmation Hearing 

Onomatopoeia 

““SShhhhhhoooooomm bb--bb--bbooww,, bb--bb--bbooww,, rraatt-ttaattaattaattaattaatt--bboooomm,, 

rraattaattaattaatt bboooomm!!””

Devil in a Blue Dress 

Nation Delighted by Media Saturation of Unattainable Affluence 

I’ve always thought that one of America’s 

best selling points was that it 

never had a king. If there is one thing 

that defines us as a people, as opposed 

to all other peoples, it is this fact. 

Every other nation in the world has a dozen 

or so of those embarrassing chapters from 

the past to live down. Not us. The moment of 

our conception was a rejection of the very 

idea of kings. All of that goes out the window 

whenever we have a presidential inauguration. 

The urge to turn the White House into 

Buckingham Palace (or, more to the point, 

Camelot) is one of the oldest and most 

shameful traditions of the media age, but 

this disgusting phenomenon always heats to 

whiteness during inauguration week, regardless 

of what party is ascending to power. 

What a splendiferous reception hall! Look at 

all the rich and tasty things on the banquet 

table! Why, it must be a hundred feet long! 

“Paula, set the stage from your perspective,” 

gushed serial ass-kisser Wolf Blitzer, as he 

threw to Paula Zahn, standing at the inauguration 

site, on CNN. “This is a majestic 

moment for the entire country!” 

We heard about all the majesty; from the 

scalloped crab, roasted Missouri quail, 

chestnuts and brined root vegetables at the 

post-inauguration congressional luncheon 

(“Mmm, scalloped crab sounds good,” said 

CNN anchor Carol Costello) to the mariachi 

band, Cohiba cigars and “buffet tables 

loaded with Tex-Mex fare” at the “Black Tie 

& Boots” ball the night before (“I feel very 

simpatico with the people of Texas,” offered 

shameless-hanger-on-in-a-cowboy-hat Rudy 

Giuliani) to the elegant inauguration lunch 

at Statuary Hall in the Capitol (“It’s majestic,” 

repeated the fixated Blitzer. “What a 

beautiful hall, for those of our viewers who 

have never been inside the U.S. Capitol...”). 

And so on and so on. Then there was this 

Washington Times description of the king 

stepping into the courtyard to meet his subjects 

at the Boogie Ball: 

At 9:30 p.m., Mr. Bush and his wife, first 

lady Laura Bush, took the stage with daughters 

Jenna and Barbara, and the crowd 

THE BEAST PAGE 3 

Name: Longhorn Salute 

Turn-ons: Football, evil, the Book of 

Revelations, touch-screen voting 

machines, occupying oil-rich nations, 

Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer 

Turn-offs: Rehnquist’s tracheotomy, 

the Congressional Budget Office, 

Norwegians, the first amendment 

Belle of the Ball? 

By now we 

all know the 

dress and 

have seen 

the photos, 

but what 

else 

goes 

behind 

making 

the 

first 

lady 

look 

how a 

first 

lady 

should? 

Satanic Presidential Hand Gesture 

How I became The Beast page 3 

Satanic Presidential Hand Gesture: 

Well, the fact that there’s a whole clan 

of people in Texas hailing Beelzebub 

in support of a college football team 

shouldn’t really come as much of a 

surprise at this point, nor that they 

should be present at the locus of global power during Bush’s coronation ceremony. 

What surprises me, really, is that they would display me so easily, given 

the number of people paid to vet their every action and word. I guess they’re 

really devoted to those longhorns—or possibly Satan. 

Future Plans: I’ll be appearing on liberal websites around the world for the next 

few weeks—I’m fairly certain I’ll be more widely circulated than that old “one-finger 

victory salute” video clip. I also hope to awaken doubt in millions of bitter 

secularists, spurring their interest in Biblical prophecy. 

How I want to be remembered: As the hand gesture that should have tipped 

off Christians that maybe they were betting on the wrong horse. 

Actual human hair 

Standard GOP lobotomy 

Convincing life like eyes 

Surgically enhanced smile 

Victoria’s Secret Service 

Kevlar bra 

Presidential corset 

designed by NASA 

Front butt #1, code 

named project FUPA 

Long sleeves hide tattoo of 

Chairman Mao 

Wrinkly hands indicate true age 

Source: AP 

went wild. Mrs. Bush wore a rose silk taffeta 

Carolina Herrera ensemble with a Western 

touch—a full skirt and bodice resembling 

a button-down shirt. Jenna wore 

black and white, and Barbara seafoam 

green. 

“It’s nice to be home,” the president told the 

throng. “Or as close to home as you can get 

in Washington.” 

Then, to even louder cheers, Mr. Bush said, 

“The best decision I ever made was asking 

Laura to marry me.” 

That Laura would be wearing a rose silk 

taffeta Carolina Herrera ensemble with a 

Western touch was known in advance. The 

press had been briefed. And with this news, 

the press ran and ran. The Queen’s inauguration 

outfits were a story, a non-sarcastic 

story, in almost every paper in the country 

last week, to the point where Oscar de la 

Renta, the designer of her now-famous “ice 

blue” inauguration ceremony ensemble, was 

received by the press as though he were a visiting 

head of state. 

Katie Couric was in the receiving line. “Many 

of us forget what’s in the speeches, because a 

lot of us are focused on what the first lady is 

wearing,” she gushed, as she introduced de la 

Renta on her show. “And wait no longer, this 

is a gown first lady Laura Bush will wear to 

this evening’s inaugural balls. It’s a silvery 

blue number designed by Oscar de la 

Renta...” 

Introducing the designer, she said, “Hi, 

Oscar. May I call you Oscar?” 

She asked permission, ladies and gentlemen. 

Oscar consented. 

De la Renta then did his job. The playbook 

for celebrity suck-up is universal. Like Ange- 

bbyy MMaatttt TTaaiibbbbii 

“Paula, set the stage from 

your perspective,” gushed 

serial ass-kisser Wolf 

Blitzer, as he threw to Paula 

Zahn, standing at the inauguration 

site, on CNN. “This 

is a majestic moment for the 

entire country!” 

lo Dundee dutifully telling ESPN at the premiere 

of Ali that Will Smith could have been 

a top-flight middleweight instead of an actor, 

de la Renta pulled out the standard pre-fight 

hype: Laura had the “most extraordinary 

sort of blue eyes I’ve ever seen in any lady,” 

that blue with a little turquoise was the only 

possible color for such a specimen, etc., etc. 

But Katie just couldn’t get past the name 

thing. 

“As a designer,” she began, “I have to call you 

Mr. De La Renta—as a designer, Mr. De La 

Renta...” 

“No, please don’t,” said Caesar, refusing the 

crown. 

“I know, but it’s so weird for me, Oscar,” she 

said. Then she added: “But, as a designer, is 

this really one of the most coveted assignments 

you can think of?” 

Yes, it was, Oscar agreed. The rest of the 

press corps seconded the motion. The St. 

Petersburg Times raved over the “muchtouted 

silvery-blue tulle dress,” hyping also 

the other inauguration dresses designed by 

one Sally Jennings, who once designed a 

dress for Adele Graham, wife of Senator Bob 

Graham. The Graham dress, the Times 

noted, was “a white silk chiffon dress with 

little triangles along the hem, a subtle clue 

that Adele was a Tri Delta.” The Atlanta 

Journal-Constitution, echoing the brandidentifying 

sociopathy of American Psycho, 

noted that Laura would attack this political 

event by “[slipping] into custom-made Stuart 

Weitzman shoes: pearl gray leather D’Orsay 

pumps for day and silver lace pumps for 

night.” 

The New York Times, as is its wont, did not 

simply baldly kiss Laura’s skirts, but instead 

deigned to draw global conclusions from her 

dress. In a piece that asserted that “A More 

Relaxed Laura Bush Shows Complexity 

Under Calm,” the putatively serious journalist 

Todd Purdum wrote, “She sits on a red 

damask settee in the White House Map 

Room... stroking Miss Beazley, her new Scottie 

puppy, a tiny feminine form of Roosevelt’s 

beloved Fala. Her gray pinstripe 

pantsuit is soft and perfectly put together, 

and so is she.” 

Of course, once this is all over, all of these 

news organizations will go back to being 

ball-busting crusaders for truth. It only 

seems like they’re totally enjoying this little 

vacation of kneeling at the altar of fabulousness 

and throwing rose petals at a mute 

Texas housewife. 

The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 3

BUFFALO in Briefs 

I’ve Fallen and I Can’t 

Get Elected 

What an exciting time to be 

Mayor of Buffalo, especially 

with plans of merging the city into 

the county moving into high gear. 

Naturally, Tony Masiello blasted the 

proposed merger plan making the 

rounds because it eradicates his job, 

despite the fact he’s a member of the 

commission which drafted the plan. 

Politics is funny like that; a guy will 

sit around at the table for almost a 

decade with a smile and an approving 

nod then turn around and call 

the fellows a bunch of assholes. It’s a 

mayoral election year. Voters would 

be wise to carefully understand what 

the candidates think about merging 

the city into Erie County and ponder 

why a person would want to run for 

a job that’s supposed to go the way 

of the buffalo. Of course, Byron 

Brown and Sam Hoyt don’t want a 

merger, at least not before they can 

set up shop and enjoy two or three 

easy terms. So let’s get down to the 

essentials here: First of all, a merger 

will take many more years to accomplish; 

we’re talking about the coordination 

and cooperation between 

many layers of bitterly opposed governments 

and political players, none 

of whom want to lose their jobs: the 

Mayor, the Common Council, the 

County Executive and the legislature, 

the senators and representatives 

in Albany, the Governor, and 

don’t forget all the judges and 

lawyers once the lawsuits get under- 

Sky Falling 

Four months and counting: Red 

Budget, Green Budget, no budget, 

who knows what we’ll wind up 

with, the Yellow Budget? It’s a complete 

mess; a second vote on raising 

the sales tax to 9.25%, the third 

highest in the nation, came up two 

votes shy of the ten it received last 

month after the hastily amended 

not-so-Red Budget was agreed 

upon in a secret meeting and passed 

without any review just minutes 

before the deadline would have put 

the Red Budget into law. The state 

legislature insists on at least ten 

votes before it will consider allowing 

the county to raise the tax, but 

Giambra is forwarding the measure 

to Albany even though it won’t get 

voted upon. Joel says he’ll agree to a 

.75% increase to 9 cents on the dollar, 

but it would mean not sharing 

with the city and other county 

municipalities, which was a condition 

of raising the tax in the first 

place. 

Now poor Joel will look really bad 

firing thousands of county employees 

and he’s whining about how 

hard he’s working to do what’s 

right for the county, and it’s all the 

OTHER politicians who are screwing 

us over. From a logical standpoint, 

what are we supposed to do? 

Keep raising taxes and fees until 


Despite lagging in the polls Mayor 

Masiello insists “I got mad game!” 

way. Yeah, a merger’ gonna happen 

real soon, eight years and counting 

since the idea was unveiled. 

Now as for the mayoral race, that’s 

simple: Masiello couldn’t win a 

fourth term unless slightly more 

than half the electorate is forcibly 

lobotomized. A recent poll shows 

him losing in a landslide against 

every other candidate. His handlers 

are already looking for some 

unlucky local corporation, foundation 

or charity to park his doofus ass 

so he can collect a fat paycheck and 

shut the hell up. That leaves Sam 

Hoyt and Byron Brown to duke it 

out, two of the dimmest of dim bulbs 

Albany has to offer. Little do they 

realize the BEAST is creating our 

own perfect candidate using top 

secret former Soviet Union brainwashing 

technology and our robot 

will kick both their asses. 

Giambra consults his top advisor 

nobody can afford to live here 

except county employees? That 

would serve ‘em right, they’d all 

wake up one day and realize the 

only ones left to bleed dry are themselves. 

Cuts need to be made, deep 

cuts, across the board, painful ones, 

yet they must be made if Erie County’s 

going to turn its’ horrendous 

financial affairs around. And that 

can only start from the top down, 

not the bottom up. Too bad there’s 

nobody out there determined to 

right the ship and damn the personal 

consequences for doing what’s 

needed. Oh well, anyway, nothing 

for you to get worked up about, just 

be prepared to cough up more of 

your hard earned dollars for every 

bogus effort to “fix” the problem. 

Hometown Zeroes 

Two unidentified firemen 

found themselves not only 

super-embarrassed, but in seriously 

deep shit after destroying 

a $600,000 fire truck while performing 

a demonstration of the 

big ladder for a group of 

schoolchildren. The hush-hush 

accident happened way back in 

November outside Ladder 10 

on Seneca Street and resulted in 

only minor injuries to one firefighter. 

The seventeen-year-old 

truck toppled over like a 

palsied brontosaurus, and the 

investigation concluded that 

standard procedures were not 

followed. No shit—how hard is 

it to pull this off, anyway? 

Imagine if that happened 

during a real fucking 

fire? The two 

boneheads 

responsible 

have been suspendedwithout 

pay, 

pretty 

much a 

guarantee 

Three years after the Homicide 

Squad was disbanded and 

many, many unsolved murders 

later, it’s been resurrected in an 

effort to, well, you know, solve 

some homicides. It was an 

experiment worth trying by a 

cash-strapped police department, 

but the results are conclusive: 

all them murders ain’t 

gonna solve themselves. A 21 

man (and woman) squad 

devoted solely to solving murder 

cases gets to start with a 

backlog of 31 homicides from 

they’ll never be allowed to do 

anything again at the station 

besides make coffee and order 

pizza. The boys at Ladder 10 

have been duly shamed and 

should still be suffering daily 

indignities from everyone 

about “that time the truck up 

and flipped over.” When the 

axe inevitably falls on the Buffalo 

Fire Department we bet 

these guys will beg to be shut 

down and transferred immediately. 

Flipping over the 

fire truck has 

been hailed as a 

monumental 

fuck up 

Welcome Back Copper 

2004 alone. Hopefully the trails 

haven’t gone cold yet. Maybe 

it’s the proliferation of all the 

“CSI” and “Law And Order”type 

television shows that got 

to the police brass. They’d prefer 

looking cool and being 

appreciated, not maligned in 

the press all day long. So the 

BEAST would like to personally 

welcome the Homicide Squad 

back from the dead; we hope it 

means that less guys are out 

writing parking tickets. 

Murder, depicted below, is considered by many to be illegal 

Hip Hop 

Huckster 

Proving just how desperate most 

Buffalo area businesses really are, 

third rate rap star Da’ Franchise and 

his entourage blew into town like a 

tornado and ran up a massive 

$350,000 bill before disappearing 

without a trace. Claiming Buffalo is 

the rap mecca he always wanted to 

visit, Da’ Franchise somehow convinced 

recording and production 

studios he and his posse were in 

town to lay down mad tracks, shoot 

a few videos, make a movie, and 

film a full blown reality television 

show, a grandiose vision simply 

(and humbly) dubbed “The $4.4 Million 

Project.” Who could resist such 

a too-good-to-be-true pitch? Not any 

of the local music studios (including 

Chameleon West), video producers, 

and talent agencies. The rappers also 

took up six rooms and two jacuzzi 

suites at the downtown Best Western 

and skipped out after running up a 

$15,000 tab. They ate like kings for 

free, too, courtesy of an embarrassed 

West Seneca catering firm out almost 

$100,000. “They stayed 10 or 12 

[days] and then fled with a tour bus 

full of young girls for Boston, I 

heard,” said Denis Tripi, manager of 

the Best Western. 

Talk about livin’ large—these guys 

came in and had a blast, recording 

beats, shooting videos with choreographed 

dancers, renting limos, partying 

all over town, nailing all our 

hoes, all for free. Damn, now we’re 

pissed too! Anyhow, the Buffalo trip 

proved inspiring—the Boston Herald 

reports that the same wankstas just 

pulled the same scam in Beantown, 

stiffing another catering firm and the 

Residence Inn there for thousands 

before taking their “project” on the 

road again. Maybe they’re trying to 

rack up a $4.4 million bill 

Sucks to be 

You 

One of the dumbest things anyone 

can ever do is leave a loaded gun at 

home with unattended children. It’s 

the first thing they tell you in Parenting 

101, a mistake as obvious as 

balancing your hairdryer on the 

edge of the bathtub. If you’re a 

Deputy District Attorney, this 

should never be an issue. Unfortunately, 

Mark Sacha did leave a 

loaded rifle in his closet, and the 

kids broke it out on a recent boring 

Saturday night and, of course, the 

fifteen-year-old accidentally shot his 

twelve-year-old sister in the head, 

killing her instantly. Two other kids 

were in another room. Mom and 

Dad were at the hospital where 

Grandpa was dying. Talk about a 

heavy load of shit. Of course, things 

could be worse for Sacha—doesn’t 

look like any charges will be filed 

for some reason.

Fuzzy Logic 

It’s been a big problem for many 

years in the public school system: 

those pesky regents exams 

required for graduation are just 

too darn tough for today’s high 

school kids. Finally, the Board of 

Regents is proposing a plan 

which would allow students 

who fail by a few points to graduate, 

sort of like in the Special 

Olympics, where “close enough” 

equals a gold medal. The proposition 

is aimed at helping struggling 

school systems (i.e. most of 

Buffalo) to boost their numbers 

and make teachers and administrators 

who can almost, but not 

quite, get their students to pass, 

look good. In Buffalo the numbers 

don’t lie, that is if you can 

get the numbers; comparative 

studies are hard to come by in 

these parts precisely because 

they show how pathetic our situation 

is. An analysis of state figures 

ranking a dozen school districts 

in the state with similar 

socio-economic makeup ranked Buffalo 

number eleven or twelve out of twelve in 

categories like test scores, graduation, 

spending per pupil, spending per teacher, 

etcetera. No surprises there. We think it’s a 

damn good idea to dumb it down, shit, 

with the Internet and 5000 channels of television 

these kids can find the answer to 

Many education 

experts speculate that 

low regional test 

scores can be 

improved via pointy 

hats 

anything they need if given enough time 

and the proper bandwidth. No wonder so 

many American jobs are going to sweltering 

foreign shitholes in India and Pakistan, 

they either don’t have as many mindless 

distractions or just deal with them a shitload 

better than we do. 

1197 Hertel Avenue 

continued on next page idiot 


Wednesday January 26th - 8pm FREE! 

Full Treble Stereo 

Burn like nero 

The Next Syphillis 

Thursday January 27th - 9pm $TBA 

Friday January 28th 

8pm 

11pm - $5 

Last Daysof Radio 

Humphrey 

Saturday January 29th - 8pm $5 

11pm - $ TBA 

Whiskey Daredevils 

Tuesday February 1st- 6pm $8 

Big D & The Kids Table 

Amy Ryan & The Operatives 

Mechatama 

Rex Banner 

Wednesday February 3rd 

Emergenza 

Thursday February 4th 

Emergenza 

Friday February 5th 

Emergenza 

47 East Mohawk Street 

855-3931 

www.mohawkplace.com 


RIPPED FROM 

THE HEADLINES 

WMDs not Found, Media Coverage Likewise 

The world little noted, but at some point 

late last year the American search for 

weapons of mass destruction in Iraq ended. 

We will, however, long remember the 

doomsday warnings from the Bush administration 

about mushroom clouds and sinister 

aluminum tubes; the breathless 

reports from TV correspondents when the 

invasion began, speculating on when the 

‘smoking gun’ would be unearthed; our 

own failures to deconstruct all the spin 

and faulty intelligence. 

—New York Times editorial, Jan. 13 

The timorous admission made by 

the White House last week that it had 

given up pretending to search for 

WMDs in Iraq was an occasion for 

much smugness and finger-pointing in 

most of the major dailies. 

Among the rest of the population, 

this laughably tiny news item—I’m 

writing this column on Jan. 13, but 

by the time this hits the newsstands 

on the 26th, it will surely, and 

amazingly, have been a dead story 

for days—was mainly fodder for 

two minutes of office water-cooler 

gloating among the anti-Bush 

crowd. 

It is unrealistic to expect anything 

different. In the run-up to the war, 

every major daily and television 

network in the country parroted 

the White House’s asinine WMD 

claims for months on end, all but 

throwing their panties on stage 

the instant Colin Powell showed 

what appeared to be a grainy aerial 

picture of a pick-up truck to the 

U.N. Security Council. 

“““ 

Justice would seem to demand 

that a roughly equivalent amount 

of coverage be given to the truth, 

now that we know it (and we can 

officially call it the truth now, because even 

Bush admits it; previously the truth was just 

a gigantic, unendorsed pile of plainly obvious 

evidence). But that isn’t the way things 

work in America. We only cover things 

around the clock every day for four or five 

straight months when it’s fun. 

O.J. was fun. Monica Lewinsky was fun. 

“America’s New War” was fun—there was a 

war at the end of that rainbow. But “We All 

Totally Fucked Up” is not fun. You can’t 

make a whole new set of tv graphics for “We 

All Totally Fucked Up.” There is no obvious 

location where Wolf Blitzer can do a 

somber, grimacing “We All Totally Fucked 

Up” live shot (above an “Operation We All 

Totally Fucked Up” bug in the corner of the 

screen). Hundreds of reporters cannot rush 

to stores to buy special khakis or rain slickers 

or Kevlar vests in preparation for “We 

All Totally Fucked Up.” They would have to 

wear their own clothes and stand, not in 

front of burning tanks or smashed Indonesian 

hovels, but in front of their own apartments. 

That is why we will never get four months of 

the truth, to match four months of preposterous 

bullshit. The business is not designed 

for it. It just can’t happen. 

Most Americans instinctively understand 

this and accept it. Even those people who 

are consciously offended by this set of circumstances 

accept it. It is as natural to us as 

the weather. 

However, there are times when this phenomenon 

seems to go a little too far. This is 

one of those times. 

RReeggaarrddiinngg tthhee ffiirrsstt ppooiinntt,, wwhhaatt ccoouulldd 

bbee ffuunnnniieerr tthhaann tthhee ssiigghhtt ooff tthhee New 

York Times ccaalllliinngg aa ssttoorryy ““lliittttllee nnootteedd,,”” 

wwhheenn tthhee ppaappeerr iittsseellff oonnllyy ggaavvee tthhee 

ssttoorryy 33..55 iinncchheess oonn Page A16!! LLiikkee 

aallmmoosstt aallll tthhee rreesstt ooff tthhee ppaappeerrss iinn tthhee 

ccoouunnttrryy,, wwhhaatt tthhee Times mmeeaanntt wwaass nnoott 

““lliittttllee nnootteedd,,”” bbuutt little covered.. 

“““ 

Countless news organizations last week took 

the same pathetic, transparently disingenuous 

position vis a vis the WMD flap that the 

New York Times did in the above passage. 

The basic media lie—the new lie, not the old 

lie—was a two-pronged thing. It went something 

like this: 

First, Bush admitted there were no WMDs, 

but so few people cared that it was “little 

noted” around the world. Phrases such as 

“quiet conclusion” (CBS News) or “quietly 

ended” (USA Today) or “quiet denouement” 

(the Virginia Pilot) reinforced this idea that 

the story was somehow inherently quiet and 

of small import. 

Descriptions of the story’s small stature 

were usually followed by a similarly quiet 

mea culpa. They usually read something 

like this: Now that we know the truth for 

sure, we media organizations must try to 

unravel how it “could have happened”—how 

we failed to see through it all, or “deconstruct 

all the faulty spin and intelligence,” as 

the Times put it. 

Regarding the first point, what could be funnier 

than the sight of the New York Times 

calling a story “little noted,” when the paper 

bbyy MMaatttt TTaaiibbbbii 

itself only gave the story 3.5 inches on Page 

A16! Like almost all the rest of the papers in 

the country, what the Times meant was not 

“little noted,” but little covered. Amazingly, 

only two major dailies in the entire country—the 

Washington Post and the Dallas 

Morning News—even put the official end to 

the WMD search on the front page. The rest 

of the country’s news organs buried the 

story deep in the bowels of their news sections, 

far behind Prince Harry’s Nazi suit 

and the residual tsunami stuff. And then 

they have the balls to turn around and 

say this news was “quiet”? 

As for the second question— 

how it could have happened—I 

have an answer. It is an answer 

that will not require the convening 

of a special symposium at the 

Columbia Journalism School, the 

commission of a new study by the 

Brookings Institution, or a poll by 

Poynter. The answer is this: You 

lied! 

It’s really as simple as that. Everyone 

knew it was bullshit. I defy Bill 

Keller to stare me in the face and tell 

me he didn’t know the whole Iraq war 

business was a lie from the start. 

Whether or not there were actually 

WMDs in Iraq is a canard; this was 

essentially unknowable at the time. It 

was the rest of it that was obviously idiotic, 

yet even the pointiest heads in the 

business, like the folks at the Times, 

swallowed it with a smile. 

There was the idea that Saddam Hussein, 

a secular dictator whose chief 

domestic enemies were Islamic fundamentalists, 

was somehow a natural 

potential ally for bin Laden. There was 

the supposition, credulously reported for 

months, that if Saddam “disarmed,” we 

would back off (we were going in anyway, 

everyone could see that; all of the 

“inspections” coverage, that whole 

drama, was a pathetic fraud). There was the 

idea that Bush and Co. were sincerely 

moved to grave concern by “intelligence” 

about Saddam’s weapons (on the contrary, 

there was a veritable mountain of evidence 

that the Bush administration was turning 

over every couch pillow in Washington in 

search of even the flimsiest fig-leaf to stick 

on its WMD claims; the source of the WMD 

panic was clearly the White House, not Langley 

or any other place). There was the idea 

that a preemptive invasion was not a revolutionary 

idea, not illegal, not an outrage. And 

so on. 

The problem wasn’t a small, isolated ethical 

error, like Judith Miller’s Chalabi reporting. 

The error here was not a mistake of fact. The 

problem was that a central tenet of our system 

of news reporting dictates that lies of 

consensus will never be considered punishable 

mistakes. In other words, once everyone 

jumps in the water, a story acquires its 

own legitimacy. 

And now we get papers like the Times wondering 

aloud why they didn’t feel the ground 

under their feet. Answer: you jumped in the 

water. And you knew what you were doing.

Scores Injured as Landon 

Clone Rampages 

LOS ANGELES (DP): NBC Executives said 

last week that a plan to boost fallen ratings 

by bringing back the hit television series 

“Highway to Heaven” had been scrapped, 

after an attempt to clone beloved actor 

Michael Landon ended in tragedy. 

“The Landon Clone had been doing well,” 

Said an NBC spokesman. “It was kept in a 

storage locker at MGM Studios in Culver 

City, and had completed the filming of two 

new “Highway” episodes. I can tell you that 

the clone was exceedingly well taken care of. 

It was fed whipped pumpkins thrice daily, 

given regular walks, and had shown no tendencies 

toward violence, which is what 

makes this situation so difficult for us all.” 

Sources say the Landon Clone had developed 

a strong bond to co-star Victor French, 

who played Landon’s boisterous yet good 

natured sidekick, Mark Gordon. When 

asked about their relationship, French had 

this to say: 

“The clone would curl up at my feet after 

filming had wrapped for the day, and coo 

gently. He enjoyed being stroked, and having 

verses from the Old Testament read 

aloud to him. It was like having Michael 

back in our lives again, except this Michael 

couldn’t tell time or make decisions.” 

According to Culver City Police, they 

received a frantic phone call Wednesday, 

from a key- grip on the MGM lot, who 

claimed that the Landon Clone had broken 

free and fled the set, and was trying to kick 

live birds out of the air. 

“I’ve never experienced anything like this in 

my twenty years on the force.” Said a 

responding officer. “When we arrived we 

encountered a nude Landon, screaming 

obscenities and turning over picnic tables 

full of terrified people. We tried to corral 

him, but he had superhuman strength; he 

threw us aside like rag dolls.” 

Apparently the Landon Clone had become 

enraged while shooting a “Highway to Heaven” 

scene where ex-police officer Mark Gordon 

tried to break up a fight between a 

street-tough and a homeless puppeteer, 

played by Dick Van Dyke. At the dramatic 

climax of the scene, Victor French (Mark 

Gordon) was supposed to get hit in the 

mouth with lightning as punishment from 

God for losing his cool, but the pyrotechnics 

misfired, and French’s beard caught fire. 

“This was too much for the clone’s fragile 

mind to comprehend.” Said French. “He 

The 

burst out of an emergency exit, and that’s 

when this whole nightmarish rampage 

began.” 

“He was snapping people’s necks like pretzel 

rods,” said a visibly shaken MGM Security 

Guard. “We tried to take him down with bear 

mace, but it had no effect. One of the other 

guards managed to get a shot off before Landon 

took him, but he caught the bullet in his 

teeth. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I 

never would have believed it. I hid myself 

underneath a van until the coast was clear. I 

was damn lucky to escape with my life.” 

Landon’s rampage ended tragically when he 

climbed a broadcast tower and chewed 

through a power line. Hundreds of terrified 

onlookers watched as the clone was violently 

electrocuted, falling to the ground in a 

shower of sparks. 

“This is a tragedy which could have been 

easily prevented,” said a Culver City Police 

spokesman. “NBC should have known better 

than to twist nature by resurrecting Michael 

Landon for its own selfish devices. It should 

be noted that a full investigation is underway.” 

“We never thought it would come to this,” 

admitted a tearful French. “After Michael 

died the first time we had been keeping a 

length of dental floss that he used in the 

hope that someday, the technology would 

exist that would allow us to bring him back 

using the DNA from his gum cells. Believe 

me; we’re all truly sorry for what has happened 

here. The idea that cloning Michael 

would result in a horrible science fiction 

man-beast had never entered our minds, 

and be assured, our plans for cloning Lorne 

Greene this fall to begin filming on ‘Bonanza 

3000’ have also been scrapped.” 

Local Hour 

Every Friday at 10pm on WHLD 1270 AM 

Coming up on 

the Elavation 

Local Hour: 

The Landon clone will be most 

remembered for killing people 

Feb 4.......................................................... Emile “Papa” Lattimer 

Feb 11............................................................. Synyer Hanesworth 

Feb 18..................................................................... Wendell Rivera 

Feb 11................................Maelstrom Percussion Ensemble 

Local Musicians: for booking call Brian 390-3494 

Music, interviews 

and general silliness 

Central Park 

Grill 

2519 Main St., Buffalo 

C 

PG 

“Music & Martinis” 

Joe Head 

Every Wednesday 

a great place to 

put your 

836-9466 


Pizzeria 

3171 Main St. 

(Between Molly’s Pub and The Steer) 


OPEN FROM 

4PM - 5AM! 

838-0800 

Pizza& Subs 

Get Them While They’re Hot! 

tiger may be getting a little long in 

This the tooth baby, but this tiger will bite 

you. Oh yes, he will bite you baby. Ouch! 

Don’t be scared momma. The tooth isn’t the 

only thing of the tiger’s that’s getting longer. 

Wait, where are you going? Sometimes the 

tiger just gets a little crazy baby. Crazy for 

you! Rargh! 

This tiger is definitely still on the prowl. 

All those young cats won’t know how to treat 

a fine lady like yourself. Oh no, not like the 

tiger. On our first date we can stop by the 

yarn store, to buy a ball of yarn so those 

young cats will have something to play with 

while this tiger teaches you all about the jungle; 

the hills, valleys, foliage and wildlife. 

And by wildlife the tiger doesn’t mean crabs, 

he means his penis. The tiger just wanted to 

make that clear. This tiger bought a special 

shampoo. Rargh! 

This tiger is showing no signs of slowing 

down but you have just stopped him dead in 

his tracks! God Damn you are sexy! You 

deserve the “tiger treatment.” Ouch! Do you 

see these whiskers on the tiger’s face? The 

tiger calls that the old flavor saver, so why 

don’t you have a seat and the tiger will purr 

for you. Sweet Jesus, you are Dee-vine! 

What’s that my baby? Oh I see; the hunter 

has become the hunted, predator become 

prey and you got the tiger in the sights of 

Sunday, January 16 th , after a night of drinking, 

drugs and “cruising for ‘tang,” Beast Art 

Director Ian Murphy fell victim to his own 

stupidity by drinking from a glass filled with 

his own urine. 

“The really funny part,” claims Murphy, “is 

that in my drunken stupor I thought, boy am 

I glad I have this full glass of water right next 

to me, because I can’t get up.” 

Reportedly, the glass had been placed there 

by Murphy himself two nights earlier and 

did in fact once contain water. The crucial 

detail Murphy had failed to remember during 

the incident was that it had been filled 

again not an hour earlier, when he relieved 

his bladder. 

“The really funny part,” claims Murphy, 

“was that as I was lying there spinning and 

close to a violent bout of vomiting, I had to 

pee so bad that I thought ‘boy, am I glad I 

have this empty glass to wiz into, because I 

can’t get up.’” 

“It was a little warm,” admitted Murphy, 

who continued to drink from the glass until 

morning. “Yeah, I was so drunk and my piss 

was so clear that I didn’t even notice until 

This Tiger 

is Still on 

the Prowl 

A Beast Reader Opinion 

BByy BBiillll ““TThhee TTiiggeerr”” DDoonnoovvaann 

your love gun. It’s cool baby, pull that trigger 

baby, pull it, pull it, pull it, pull it, oh, oh, 

wait, wait don’t go. 

Did the tiger mention this tiger has a gift 

certificate to Applebee’s? You can get what 

ever you want, except the surf and turf. And 

there might not be enough for dessert. You 

won’t need dessert because this tiger has 

something much sweeter for you; a whole 

night of earth shattering orgasms—the kind 

that will make you wonder where you are. 

You’ll be in tiger town. 

We probably shouldn’t get a lot of drinks 

either, because the gift certificate is only for 

$25. Not to worry sweet thing, the tiger has 

some Nyquil back at his place. The tiger 

cleaned up a bit; he even polished the head 

with a toothbrush, which is something the 

tiger saw in a war movie and did because he 

thought you would appreciate a clean bathroom. 

The tiger is fastidious in its cleanliness, the 

tiger saw that on another cable channel. The 

tiger also saw an ad for BowFlex. In 6-8 

weeks the tiger had that BowFlex and that’s 

why the tiger has bad credit and the body of 

a Greek god! 

As if you needed to ask, this tiger is feelin’ 

fine and frisky, fit as a fiddle, wanna spread 

you wide open and get down in the middle! 

Rargh! This tiger is still on the prowl! 

Beast Art Director Accidentally 

Drinks Own Urine 

the morning” 

stated Murphy 

during a briefing 

with his 

roommate the 

next afternoon. 

Murphy’s roommate, 

who preferred 

to remainunidentified, 

has asserted, 

“Please stop Murphy: Needs a mint 

talking about 

this; it’s fucking 

disgusting; you need help!” Murphy 

responded to his roommate’s disgust by 

saying, “Oh la-de-da, aren’t you perfect just 

because you never drank your own urine 

before. People are so fucking judgmental. I 

need a drink. This is bullshit; I am fucking 

out of here!” 

Murphy says he hasn’t suffered any noticeable 

ill effects from the urine consumption, 

but admits, the experience was “pretty 

gross,” adding, “I definitely brushed my 

teeth pretty hard and used extra Listerine 

that morning. Other than that, no big deal. I 

just hope my mom doesn’t read this.”

Are You Dyslexic? 

Gai feae in tod skeqa fjeoa dpd soewj 

diadodf aierokd. Aofaejf oaid jcei zpzzdo 

jdjeie apal dofifido zdjjzm eiam dzoz, 

fjeifj oadzlk voir dz;lk (adioa it eoa). Ajaei 

aopf-rso sfpv, gkes fpdfoe if towp? 

“Whaat’sae nefe, medfpeoal paaad tadofer?” 

sfeated eokther reprafeafaaevk. 

“Bdgadte yhdtc dtan uhe thst yp dhkohtgh, 

ytdhk th!” 

Yoj yji oyjyjj fjreoia ofeks; oefkdls fjroe m 

eofirfj saou rgkor aigj egal, cgorirg gha 

brogd ti groir prsr ris fage. 

“Wisyd pme Cuurt,” pe dowbadpe, jietion 

wawn o fesco f oijew peodkasoley-mdjepelwking 

sieklwo ncieodk apfo r ban, 

including cough syrup, “ejfoly pwpkere”, 

nsjda odlive plue. 

Bleps infoe skwee leverdly snetheing lslew 

soajr, ghsia woioe skdp—woe koesl deitne. 

Shuf oe wej sal eoq jdis ow oirntels, 

Tienksmwl ow doe rj slappegnee kof wokal 

soc iewsnet ao ekdojwps, hetoh jef 

lefksweo: 

@. Isiowert jijny oftevefny. Oi shert 

posindea, rewop ke sniver weenite os djei 

fh ale ow jeutr djs wo eir—her tutlek ke 

dooty. 

&. Bustresa ki guintry. Yeh fedres trews 

ay the Lucite, pointy seft quibly vestrution 

new sej Fredonia. 

$. Hud eri ashewi zcoz qp. Oag 

cnpaighu ch ri fc; wofrfarfhag ajyutf deuc 

hciuax axiaucgsec ghaiy ccdh iaegsae giad 

ieyghjkdaf iuyg fedora dhau oglingaser aid; 

fhawi dufa ifsa ewi fsoap! 

Corrections 

#. Bi ayugv awf fvn pdoiu. Evi xib xfghb 

spgt, vbsoiygh vspseuvh vspiuhbxtu, bsibhb 

jbsoitb bhspt jbhgp ghiuekkmc. Opfi fu 

ajeu fov vhuuaeh; vuh aoua jfoa oughg jn 

vorae auo. 

Aie aou vter aoer aprjge vdmanpb g bshut 

bnvvvvas urve auhjd v oeg goeghoe fkoe dir 

ewi vjeiv—wepgi aeijg vaa apgijl pa kilewojsha. 

Poewq ned fornication rfj 3o ak 28 sap 

aie adeipad, 2985-2085- fwhue aodp jfirp 

as. 

Noe akinty riwo jdiaedj kointy djfeo 

apdoad poaefja, jwfiw aif, efuohfa irus 

vndoejamd soejd. Ei afhfa ghu aopbiap 

bgpb, svorfosf spffufu sauhca eodal aid ae 

ned tiner dja proboscis fwefiffre. Inertia 

dhei fp hew ssiden fhe ince threase fonduptory 

clasmar. 

Dyslexia office ynam Amamami leak 

Sew Forresd how si ticured her 

In the January 13 th Issue of Artvoice, the cover headline, “Better Waking Trough 

[sic] Chemistry,” is misspelled. The headline should read, “No One Gives a Shit 

About Snapcase.” The Beast apologizes for the error. 

In the January 17 th issue of Alt Press, the item entitled “Top Ten most Outrageous 

Statements of 2004” was stolen in its entirety from the website 

mediamatters.org. The accompanying graphic appears to be original. The Beast 

apologizes for the ethical violation. 

The secret encoded message to al Qaeda operatives hidden in the text of Matt 

Taibbi’s article about Time’s “Person of the Year” issue misstated the address of 

the target. The correct apartment number is 14. The Beast apologizes for the 

error, especially to the victims’ families. 

While Supplies Last! 

Pentium/Celeron Computer-from $25 

17’ Monitors-$25-$35 

(more than 100 to choose from) 

Ram/Sdarm/Hard Drives/Parts! 

Call John 332-4658, email info@6is9.org 


10 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005

WANNA BET? 

Pats are Sure Thing BByy RRoonnnniiee RRoossccooee 

Hello again my faithful followers, it is I, 

Roscoe the magnificent, here once 

again to give you the best information in the 

sporting world. As you have come to understand 

by reading this column, I know more 

than anyone in the sports media and I have 

the only opinion that matters. This week we 

will focus on the Super Bowl, that unofficial 

American holiday where everyone lays a 

wager or two, hoping to cash in. 

Let me begin by explaining that I cannot 

possibly help those of you who decide to put 

your hard-earned money on a square, strictly 

hoping to win on some sort of chance. 

Obviously there is no skill required; simply 

put, if it is your day you win, if not you lose. 

If you feel the need to attempt to prognosticate 

the game, I also must give this warning: 

don’t do it. The reason 

is quite simple—you 

may think you know 

football and you may 

think you know how 

to bet, but you don’t. 

That is where I come 

in, you see I DO know 

what to do, because I 

do know football. I 

understand the game 

and, quite frankly, I 

am Roscoe and I am 

the best. 

I can only hope I have 

gotten through that 

thick skull of yours, 

and that you comprehend 

the greatness of 

my word. I need you, 

my faithful follower, 

to read and follow my 

word, because I want 

you to be a winner, 

just like me. 

The Super Bowl matches the reigning champion 

New England Patriots with the NFC 

champion Philadelphia Eagles. Now, it 

doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that 

the Patriots are good, and they deserve their 

standing as favorites in the game. My 10year-old 

nephew knows Tom Brady is good 

and that the Pats will win. But the key isn’t 

just figuring out who will win, it is figuring 

out who will win and by how many points. 

This is where Roscoe makes a difference. 

The difference between winning and losing, 

the difference between making or delaying 

that February mortgage payment—hell, who 

are we kidding—the difference between you 

staying married or getting divorced will likely 

depend on who you pick and where you 

lay down your green. 

Are you the same guy that knew the Bills 

would kill Pittsburgh the last game of the 

season? Did you think Peyton Manning 

would beat New England a couple weeks 

ago? Yeah, I thought that was you. Stop 

thinking and just read and listen. I am doing 

this to keep domestic violence to a minimum 

on Sunday night. 

Before we go on there are a few things I 

would like to discuss—first of all, this is for 

entertainment purposes only. I do not condone 

betting, wagering or gambling of any 

kind. I just understand there are idiots who 

do nothing but decide they are experts and 

will call a friend or a bookie and let emotion 

play a part and make a stupid decision. Let 

me first give the best tip available—don’t do 

it. How about putting that $50 or $100 

bucks towards the kid’s dentist bill or maybe 

giving the ‘98 Neon a must deserved oil 

change and some anti-freeze? Here’s a crazy 

thought: how about making the child support 

payments for once. Ok, now that we 

Brady is famous for his ability 

to throw a ball 

have cleared the air, let’s talk about some 

football!!! 

The early line has the New England Patriots 

as a six-point favorite. As soon as they finished 

that ass-whupping of Pittsburgh, the 

Pats were named favorites. I am here to tell 

you that the line will move higher and higher. 

The official Roscoe line has the Patriots 

favored by nine points. Now, my disciples, I 

am not predicting a Patriot win by nine 

points; I am just stating that is where the 

line should be. Why, almighty Roscoe, you 

ask, why should they be nine-point 

favorites? As I have stated many times 

before, that is why I am Roscoe and you are 

who you are—because I said so, that is why. 

Don’t ask, just listen and do as I say. Hey if 

you can get six, or even seven, jump on it 

because the public 

loves that little wuss 

Brady and his robot 

coach. And more 

important is the fact 

that the spread will 

move. Also, it should 

be noted, despite the 

notion that everyone 

loves and pulls for the 

underdog, when laying 

money down more 

people bet on the 

favorite. So 6 points 

on Monday will likely 

be 7.5 or maybe even 

8 come game day. 

And once the spread 

becomes two scores, 

that’s when you 

morons become easy 

targets. 

Remember, the 

Roscoe line is 9 

points. It may actually 

be higher due to the Eagles star Terrell 

Owens’ ankle injury. If he is unable to play 

that does add a point or two. But I know 

you, and I know once next Sunday hits, you 

will all get nervous about giving that extra 

half-point. You will begin to over-think and 

decide Philly isn’t that bad, they deserve 

more credit. Carolina kept it close last year. 

You will tell your buddy, “7.5 is a lot of 

points, and the Patriots have won 2 Super 

Bowls but they won by only 3 points each 

time; the game will be close.” Yada, yada, 

yada. I can hear you already. “I am sorry, 

Mr. Landlord, rent will be a little late this 

month because I thought I knew more than 

Roscoe.” 

In the end, the Patriots will prevail, they will 

cover the spread and Roscoe will be a winner. 

I know this sounds simple but quite 

frankly, unlike most games, it is. The Patriots 

have the better defense despite missing a 

few stars due to injury. The biggest difference 

comes in the coaching staff. The Pats 

and their star-studded staff blow away 

Philly’s Andy Reid and company. Reid is the 

most overrated coach in the league today. 

He choked three times in championship 

games before this one and if Belichick was 

coaching Atlanta last week, he would have 

lost four. Brady is just a tad better than 

Philly QB Donavan McNabb. McNabb has 

the ability to score and could make a game 

of it, but the likelihood is that his coach will 

make some blunders and hurt his team. Oh, 

lets not forget, if the officials have a say, the 

Replaytriots always get the calls. I would 

love to tell you something really tricky and 

insightful, but this one is too easy. 

I know you hate them since they gave us 

Bledsoe, but if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. 

Final score, New England 27; Philadelphia 

15. 


“I ADVERTISED IN 

THE BEAST, AND NOW 

I CAN TASTE COLOR!” 


Inaugural Numbers 

$40 Million Cost of entire event 

$17 Million Money spent on red white and blue jell-o shots 

1 Creepy-voiced tracheotomized Supreme Court Justices in attendance 

12 Number of Loritabs Bush twins Jenna and Barbara split 

10,000 Number of anti-Bush protesters dismissed by 

televised and print media as “unimportant” 

9,872 Number of protesters who actually are unimportant 

27 Number of times Bush said “freedom” in his address 

34 Number of times he attempted to 

say “tsunami” before it was dropped 

93 Percentage of German 

war criminals that think 

Laura is “hot stuff” 

534 Number of days until Kitty 

Kelley will be killed in a small 

plane crash 

23% Chance that you will read 

this bit to the end

SSeeppaarraatteedd aatt bbiirrtthh?? 

Barbara... 

... and a Boxer? 


y Michael Gildea michael@buffalobeast.com 

Your Your Guide guide to what What sucks Does and what Not Suck doesn’t on on the silver Silver screen Screen 

Assault on Precinct 13 ✪ 

Here we are. Three weeks into the new year and we 

get hit with a unnecessary remake of a cult classic. A 

cult classic that, under an objective viewing, wasn’t 

that great to begin with. 

If you’re unfamiliar with the plot of the original: a 

small band of criminals and cops in a soon-to-beclosed-down 

precinct are overrun by faceless gang 

members who stick it to the man by surrounding the 

building and opening fire with silenced weapons at 

anything that attempts to make a break for it. 

So now, decades later, some unneeded rationale is 

added to this zombie premise without the zombies. 

Gang members are replaced with rogue cops trying 

to kill a mobster (Lawrence Fishburne), sending the 

whole thing straight to hell. 

If all of these things don’t break the deal for you, 

Ethan Hawke is in it. The fact that he’s starring with 

another commanding black actor in another dirty cop 

movie cements my belief that Hawke is only convincing 

as the shitty punk ass white boy next to an ebony 

monolith that will play the bride to Hawke’s bridesmaid 

at the Oscars. 

Presuming he can find his way there. 

To be honest, I was so distracted by Ethan Hawke 

when watching this movie that I couldn’t really get 

into it, much less pay attention to it. I kept thinking of 

how incredibly stupid he is. I’ve accepted the fact that 

he doesn’t wash his hair. I can deal with the fact that 

he thinks he’s a really interesting director and a brilliant 

author who can only write about an angry and 

confused young artist. I’ve come to terms with that, 

and I’ve never been happier. But what I can’t get past 

is the fact that a donkeydick like Hawke managed to 

land a goddess like Uma Thurman, convince her to 

have his children, and then cheat on her. 

That’s like walking off a $75,000-a-year job on a 

whim. I mean, who the hell does that? Especially in 

this town. 

Long story short, rent the original. Or wipe your ass 

with your money and flush it. I don’t care. 


Are We There Yet? 

Ten minutes into Are We There Yet, three little words 

kept spinning around in my head like a mantra: Fuck 

Ice Cube. Fuck him in the ear. 

I understand that everything one of my adolescent 

heroes does cannot and in all likelihood will not be 

just as good as The Predator. Torque and both Barbershop 

movies have proven this to me and I’m okay 

with that. 

But Cube’s not even trying anymore. The PG rating is 

the biggest red flag here. The man who once wanted 

to slaughter white devils everywhere is now the 

organ grinder’s monkey as he entertains their spawn. 

The black dude who tap-danced for Lawrence Welk 

has more street cred than Ice Cube will after dropping 

this turd, and I’m pretty sure that poor son of a 

bitch is dead by now. 

Are We There Yet is nothing more than a Home Alone 

rip-off with fewer redeeming qualities, if you can 

believe that. At least the smug little bastard in the 

Home Alone movies was fighting for his life. The rotten 

little shits that Ice Cube is babysitting, for some 

chick he’s trying to cornhole, are just mean for the 

hell of it and no other reason. They should be castrated 

and left in solitary for thirty years and beaten 

regularly. And so should Ice Cube. The only reason I 

could think of him doing this movie is that he needs 

the money. 

Elektra 

67 

If you’re one of the sorry sons of bitches that saw the 

tragedy put onto film known as Daredevil, you know 

what a clunky piece of shit it was, and you are also 

partially responsible for this awful spin-off. 

You brought this on yourself, ass rod. 

I don’t know about you, but every time I see Jennifer 

Garner, I zoom in on those beady little black eyes, 

and once she starts talking (you know it’s going to 

happen anyway), she blasts away any vestigial remnants 

of sexual attraction that I may or may not have 

had for her. Then I start thinking of the Canadians on 

“South Park.” You know, the ones with the beady eyes 

and the flapping heads? 

The fact that she dates Ben Affleck doesn’t help matters 

any. 

Elektra doesn’t even make mention to Daredevil or 

the only saving grace of that film, Colin Farrell as 

Bullseye, who killed Jennifer Garner’s character. 

Between this, The Punisher, and the upcoming Fantastic 

Four film coming out, the comic book movie 

scene should finally sputter and die in 2005. Keep 

Spider-Man, X-Men, and Batman going. Give The Hulk 

and Superman one more shot. If they don’t make 

good, I won’t stand in the way of their deaths. 

But if you feel the same way I do, we have a responsibility 

to end the Daredevil/Elektra thing right now. If 

anyone ever mentions either film in a favorable manner, 

punch them in the head. I don’t care if you have 

to chase them down for six city blocks. If you don’t 

want to see any more shit like this, you know what 

you have to do. 

Coach Carter ✪ 

I can sum up Coach Carter in four words: Wrong 

place, wrong time. 

You go see a movie about thugs playing basketball in 

downtown Buffalo and you’re asking for trouble. 

Nothing terrible happened, provided that not being 

able to hear a movie can be a good thing. 

No, really. I love hearing cell phones go off every thirty 

seconds. Have a ten-minute conversation with 

Tiny. I don’t mind. Go ahead; I’m sure it‘s important. 

Oh, your baby daddy’s on the phone? He’s going to 

be on “Cheaters?” Get out! When’s it on? Ask him! 

Please, talk to the screen. It’s really going to have an 

impact on the plot of the movie. I mean, it always 

does when you yell at a horror movie. They can hear 

you and they will listen to you. 

Yeah, that bitch is pretty fly. I’m not a booty man 

myself, but yeah, that would look good with some 

cole slaw slapped up on that shit. I’ve never been 

freaky with the mayo before, but I’ll give anything a 

shot, you know? 

That shorty is spending all the child support on her 

new man. Let’s go fuck his shit up RIGHT NOW! 

White Noise 

I can’t decide which is worse, these dull and lifeless 

horror movies that work off of a lukewarm plot—the 

ones that pretty much sum up the whole story in it’s 

snoozeville trailer and try to give you your money’s 

worth with a donkey turd of a twist, or the sad bastards 

who go and see these things and convince 

everyone they happen to come into contact with just 

how great it was. 

Are they trying to convince us that it was good or is 

it themselves, in an effort to rationalize that they really 

didn’t just piss away more than eight dollars and 

the 300% markup on the popcorn they gave to the 

theater. 

Run-on sentences aside, White Noise is just another 

orbit in the downward spiral that is the modern 

American horror movie. Maybe it’s the sort of film 

that will be appreciated in fifteen to twenty years on 

cable. You know, when nothing else is on and “Yes, 

Dear” on UPN loses the coin toss. 

I’ll bet that Michael Keaton (the biggest star in this 

turkey) is really glad that he stopped doing those 

career-ruining Batman movies.

In Good Company ✪ 

This snoozefest stars Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, 

and Scarlett Johannson, and never fails to bore or 

annoy. 

Quaid’s a verteran salesman whose company gets 

bought out, and his boss (Grace) is half his age. But 

things try to get more interesting when his boss 

winds up banging Quaid’s daughter. 

If this is the kind of shit that Grace is going to quit 

“That 70’s Show” for, he shouldn’t turn in his bellbottoms 

yet. Bad haircuts and playing the quintessential 

dork do not a career move make. And as for Miss 

Johannson, what the hell is this? You were on the fast 

track with Lost in Translation, and this is what you follow 

it up with? Screw you and your It-Girl status, your 

glow-in-the-dark dye job, and your mannish walk. 

The movie’s like week-old bread that no one bothered 

to stick in the refrigerator, let alone rewrap. It’s 

like a beltsander taken to the side of your head. 

Watching infomercials that push pyramid schemes 

for three days straight. No sleep. 

So yeah, you can expect to hear about it from stupid 

people with no taste for weeks to come. 

Racing Stripes ✪✪ 

Remember in Fight Club when Brad Pitt’s character 

was working as a projectionist and splicing single 

frames of porn into the kids’ movies, and Edward 

Norton was narrating it? The talking animal movie 

with the celebrity voices? Well, this is it. 

If you can disconnect Frankie Muniz’s, David Spade’s, 

and Steve Harvey’s voices from their faces in your 

mind, you may actually enjoy Racing Stripes. Of 

course, having a kid nagging you to take them to see 

it should be somewhere in the equation. 

But then, this is coming from someone who’s a sucker 

for animal movies and Animal Planet. Babe is one 

of my favorite movies and imagining Dudley Moore 

sloshed while recording the narration for The Adventures 

of Milo and Otis only adds to the film’s already 

abundant charm. 

Rounding out the cast of Racing Stripes are Dustin 

Hoffmann as a donkey, Joey Pants as a pelican and 

Snoop Dogg as—you’ll never guess—a dog! Who 

could have thought of that? 

MIDNIGHT MOVIE MADNESS! 

Saturdays at the Amherst Theatre 

3500 Main Street 

834-7655 

www.dipsontheatres.com 

1/29/05 – DONNIE DARKO: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT (2001/2004) 

See writer-director Richard Kelly’s remarkable, disturbing, and provocative vision—the first 

real cult film of the 21st Century—as you’ve never seen it before: with new scenes, new special 

effects, and new revelations. This will be your only chance to experience DONNIE on a big 

screen in Buffalo! 

2/5/05 – STREET TRASH: THE DIRECTOR’S CUT (1987) 

Writer-producer Roy Frumkes (THE SUBSTITUTE, DOCUMENT OF THE DEAD) will 

introduce this extended cut of his cult classic! Roy is the editor-in-chief of Films in Review, the 

country’s first film magazine, and he’ll answer questions from the audience. The Village Voice 

called STREET TRASH “…terrifically crunchy, dirty, and filthy as well as boasting brilliantly 

creative special effects.” This film is unrated; it contains sex, nudity, violence, gore, and 

buckets of slime! Be warned: it’s as offensive as anything John Waters ever directed! 

2/12/05 – EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN (1987) 

Before he directed SPIDER-MAN, Sam Raimi set the tone for contemporary horror films with 

this slapstick splatterfest loaded with outrageous special effects and starring Bruce Campbell! 

You’ve seen it on video and DVD; now see it on a big screen with a screaming audience! 

Unrated; contains violence and gore. “Essential viewing for horror buffs.”—Phantom of the 

Movies. 

2/19/05 – DEAD ALIVE (1992) 

Peter Jackson (LORD OF THE RINGS) topped Raimi in the outrageous department with this 

New Zealand zombie classic, one of the bloodiest, funniest horror film ever made! Unrated; 

contains violence, gore, and dismemberment by lawnmower! “Astonishing, vigorous, 

inventively gruesome comedy.”—Leonard Maltin. 

2/26/05 – THE EXORCIST (1973) 

Forget those lame sequels! Our series concludes with William Friedkin’s adaptation of William 

Peter Blatty’s bestseller. Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn star in one of the scariest films ever 

made! Don’t see it alone. Winner of 1973 Oscars for Best Adapted Screenplay and Sound. 

Rated R. “The film contains brutal shocks, almost indescribable obscenities.”—Roger Ebert 

www.slimeguy.com 

Is Your Child 

•depressed? 

•restless? 

•easily 

distracted? 

•stupid? 

•whiny? 

•ugly? 

•fat? 

•always 

playing? 

•annoying 

in general? 

If you answered yes 

to any of these questions 

your child may have a serious 

medical condition. Ask your 

doctor about The Beast. 

subscription@buffalobeast.com 


BEASTIVITIES 

BUFFALO’S CLUB AND CONCERT GUIDE 

Wednesday, January 26 

Live music. 

Alternative Brews …Pro Jam, every week, 

Chicago Jack & The Marvelous Heptones, 8pm 

Broadway Joe’s …One Push Wednesdays: An 

evening of skate & snowboarding cinema, 

10pm 

Buffalo Icon …Darkbuster, Ball Cheese Psychotics, 

Clockers, Last Night Revival, 7pm 

Classic Roxx …Fillmore, A Thorn For Every 

Heart, Drawback, 7pm 

Club Infinity …Universal Grille, 7pm 

Colored Musicians Club …Art Anderson Big 

Band, every Wed, 8-10pm 

Comix Cafe …ComedySportz, all improv, hilarious, 

8pm, call 835-HAHA for reservations 

Cozumel …Open mic w/ Michael Disanto, 

every Wed, 10pm 

E.B. Green’s …Jackie Jocko, every Wed, 6- 

10pm 

Elmwood Lounge …Blankface, every Wed, 

10pm 

Evolution …Universal Grille, every Wed, 7pm 

Heroes (Willliamsville) …Karaoke w/ Johnny 

Saffire, 9, FREE 

McGarret’s …Buffalo’s finest local groove 

bands and jam music, $2 Saranacs, 11pm 

Merlin’s …Axis of Evil, Demetae, 10pm, free! 

Mohawk Place …Full Treble Stereo, Burn Like 

Nero, The Next Syphilis, 8pm 

Nietzsche’s …Miss Vickie, 9pm 

Tudor Lounge …Pamela Ryder’s Musicians 

Workshop, every Wed, 9pm 

DJ’s. 

Allen St Bar & Grill …DJ DR No aka Lazy G aka 

The New Dictator aka Dave G spins garage-soul 

punk rock & roll yo. 

Club Marcella …Our Showgirls hosted by Ms. 

Fanta-See, 1030pm 

Faso’s Grateful Bear …Ladies 80’s Night 

Frank’s ...Buffalo’s best hip hop weekly: 

Underground Hip Hop w/ Biz-e & MC Reginoff, 

special guests, 11pm, ladies FREE 

Jade Ultra Lounge …Service Industry Night: 

Happy Hour 11pm-1am, complimentary food, 

DJ’s spin New School Lounge, every week, no 

cover, all are welcome to come chill!! 

La Luna …E-Love & Don spin rock, brit-pop, 

indie, & new wave, 10pm 

Mulligan’s …DJ Doug every Wednesday, 10pm 

Off The Wall …Transmission Indie: Indie Rock 

Wednesdays, 10pm-2am 

Thursday January 27 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Local Live #303: 

Closer2Yesterday, Unwelcome Guests, Phantasm, 

10pm 

Colored Musicians Club …Carol McLaughlin 

Band, every Thurs, 8-10pm 

Comix Cafe …Mark Matusof, Funny lady Linda 

O., call 835-HAHA for reservations 

Groove,,,Warlock, Illmatic spin r&b, hip-hop, 

and reggae, 10pm 

Crocodile Bar …Universal Grille Band, 9pm 

E.B. Green’s, Hyatt Regency ... Jackie Jocko 

& Joe Peters, every Thurs., 7-11pm 

Lafayette Tap Room …The Mick Hayes Band, 

830pm, free 

McGarret’s …The finest jazz-jam-funk bands 

every week, $2 pints of anything! This Week: 

Forbidden Trio 11pm 

Merlin’s …Trailer Park Mafia, The Inebriates, 

Great Mistake, 10pm 

Nietzsche’s …Nigel, South of Nowhere, Hanabi, 

930pm 

Mohawk Place …Tommy Stinson, Mark Norris, 

9pm 

Royal Pheasant …The Vibe Collective w/ The 

Waz, Crittendon, & Rozler, 10pm, free 

Tralf …Hot Tuna, 8pm 

Tudor Lounge …Jony James every Thurs, 8pm, 

FREE 

DJ’s. 

Blu Lounge …Freeform: Guest DJs (rock, hip 

hop, indie, house, drum n bass & more), 10pm 

Club Marcella …Ladies Night Thursdays, drag 

kings & queens perform @ 930 & 1130pm 

Continental …Retro Thursdays (upstairs), 

10pm 

Frank’s …METAL NIGHT. The only one in the 

city. Stoner Metal Sandy throws down the 

grind. 11pm 



658 Lounge …Last Minute DnB: drum n bass, 

10pm, free 

New World Record …DJ Zuk, soundscapes for 

the mind, every week 8-10pm 

Opium Lounge … Depeche Mode vs. 

Kraftwerk: Back 2 the 80’s w/ DJ Mike Parker, 

vintage tunes, huge patio, 10pm 

Roxy’s Green Room …Bassline Thursday with 

Soul Disciples (jazzy grooves, classic disco, 

house anthems, trip hop), 10pm (21+) 

Third Room …DJs Chief and Chris (old school, 

new school, and underground hip hop), every 

Thurs, 10pm 

Friday, January 28 

Live music. 

Alternative Brews …JJ Swing Big Band, 6pm 

Anchor Bar …Jimmy Gomes and The Jazz 

Example w/ vocalist Dodo Green, every Fri, 

10pm 

Broadway Joe’s …Shaky Stage, The Ducinals, 

TBA, 10pm 

Club Infinity …Cock Robin Tsunami Benefit, 

doors @7pm 



Continental …Metal Show: My Lost Lenore, 

Where She Wept, Fireborn, Endface, South of 

Nowhere, 9pm 

E.B. Green’s, Hyatt Regency …Jackie Jocko 

& Joe Peters, every Fri, 6-10pm 

Kabob & Curry …Worldly Improvisations of 

Purnima, great Indian food, 6pm 

Kleinhans …Mark Isham 

Jade Ultra Lounge …Friday Happy Hour w/ 

live jazz, funk, and soul bands every week from 

5-9pm 

Lafayette Tap Room …Ron Locurto CD 

Release Party w/ 3 bands, 930pm 

McGarret’s …Rogue Science, 11pm 

Merlin’s …Steam Donkeys, FREE, 7-10pm / 

Todd Eberwine Band, Blue Rocket Trio, 11pm 

Mohawk Place …Willie & The Reinhardts, 

730pm / 50 Amp Fuse, Last Days of Radio, 

Humphrey, 11pm 

Nietzsche’s …Blood of Jupiter, Irving Klaws, 

1030pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge … The Latin Jazz 

Project, 630-1030pm, FREE 

Pearl Street Grill …Strictly Hip, 10pm 

Shadow Lounge & Restaurant …Buffalo’s 

only piano bar & lounge featuring Lyn Cala & 

friends, 630-1030pm 

Showplace Theatre …STEMM, Syxsycsycos, 

Confirmed Kill, Vacancy, Armed Response, 

630pm 

Soos’s Cafe …The Maniacs play the music of 

the Grateful Dead, 10pm 

Soundlab …Missing Planes, Exit Strategy, 

L’Dorado, 9pm 

Tudor Lounge …Dan Harper, The Designated 

Hitters, every Fri, 6pm, free / Sing t Ming 

Karaoke, 11pm 

DJ’s. 

Blu Lounge …Freestyle Fridays: Funk, soul, 

indie rock, breaks, 80’s, and anything else to 

get you moving, 11pm 

Club Marcella …DJ Doogie & Charles Masters 

(dance music) on the main floor; Joe the D 

(hip-hop, R&B) in the VIP room, 10pm 

Continental …Goth/Alt/Indie/DJ (upstairs), 

11pm 

Frank’s …Rewind Fridays hosted by Biz-E, with 

guest DJ’s spinning underground beats, 11pm 

Jade …JADE 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY: w/ legendary 

funky house duo EAST COAST BOO- 

GIEMEN, don’t miss the party!! @10pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge …DJ Skoobie, every 

Fri, 1130pm 

Off The Wall …Rotating trip-hop, hip-hop, 

and abstrakt DJ’s. Come chill in Buffalo’s most 

unique retro-cafe-bar-restaurant-chill-space. 

11pm 


Opium Lounge …Latin Fridays: salsa, 

merengue, bachata, reggaton, 10pm-4am 

Prespa …Foundation: Every Friday featuring 

deep house, downtempo, electro, & brokenbeat 

in a casual sophisticated lounge setting, 

10pm 

658 Lounge …Funky Fresh Fridays: Breaks all 

night from DJ’s citra, devious, and special 

guests, 11pm, 18+ 

Sphere …Ladies Night, Ladies Free, 11pm 

Saturday January 29 

Live music. 

Alternative Brews …John Rochelle, 2pm / 

Bittersweet Rose, 9pm 

Broadway Joe’s …THE ENIGMA, Anal Pudding, 

Anger Soil, Legbas Assassin, Chloroform Coulier, 

Z Mann Zilla, The Worlds Largest Trio, 930pm 

Buffalo Icon …BUFFALO ROCKS FOR TSUNAMI 

RELIEF: Terry Sullivan, Jinxed, Molotov Cocktail, 

Alison Pipitone, Queen City Nights, Stay 

Lows, Standard of Living, La Cacahouette, 7pm 

Club Infinity …Shania Twin: Tribute to Shania 

Twain, doors @7pm 



On FRIDAY JANU- 

ARY 28TH there is 

cause for celebration. 

Or, at least in 

our case, an excuse 

to go out and get 

wasted. JADE ULTRA 

LOUNGE (199 Deleware 

@Chippewa) 

celebrates its 1 Year 

Anniversary, and to 

make the party even 

bigger they have 

legendary DC funkyhouse 

duo the EAST COAST BOOGIEMEN, who’re known world-wide 

for being great DJ’s, producers, and raging partiers. You’ll want to get 

there by midnight for the free champagne toast ya mooch. 

Continental …Digital Geist, AKP, Burn Like 

Nero, 10pm 


& Joe Peters, every Sat, 7-11pm 

Elmwood Lounge …Lance Diamond Show, 

every Sat, 11pm-3am 

Lafayette Tap Room …Smokin Joe Kubeck w/ 

Bnois King, 930pm 

Merlin’s …My Last Heartbreak, Hanabi, The 

Russions, 11pm 

Mohawk Place …Lakeside Fall, 8pm / Whiskey 

Daredevils, Bloody Hollies, Ghettoways, 11pm 

Nietzsche’s …Tinsley Ellis Blues Band, 9pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge …David Kane Quartet, 

every Sat, 7-10pm, FREE 

Pokey Joe’s Club Bar …Blues Matinee hosted 

by Brent & the Accuratones, 2-6pm 

Razzberri’s …The Feast, 9pm 


only piano bar & lounge featuring Joe the Carnival 

Clown & friends, 700-10pm 

Soos’s Cafe …Moonrock plays the music of 

The Beatles, The Hip, Phish, Stones, and Dylan, 

10pm 

Tudor Lounge …The Clockers, The Inebriates, 

The Flour City Knuckleheads, Global Descent, 

10pm 

DJ’s. 

Allen St. Hardware Cafe …Sick & Tone Atlas: 

Jazz soul and hip-hop sprinklings, every week 

@ 11pm 

Blu Lounge …House music. Techno music. 

DJ’s Aeon & Josh Waxum, 11pm 

Club Marcella …Cruzin Saturdays, live house 

trance techno with DJ Mighty Mic, 10pm 

Continental …Alternative Dance CDJ 

(upstairs), 11pm 

Groove …College Night (R&B, hip hop, reggae), 

10pm, 18+ 

Mulligan’s Brick Bar …DJ College, every Sat, 

10pm 



unique retro-cafe-bar-restaurant-chill-spot. 

11pm 

Prespa …Structure: house, breaks, electro, & 

electric beats in a lounge setting, DJ Scotty 

deja blu. 2 for 1 pints after 2am. 

Rendezvous …Jubei, Kei, & Spectre, midnight 

Sphere …Live to Air with Wild 101.1 DJ Noodles 

on the main floor, Lil Joe in the front 

lounge, 18+ to enter, 11pm 

Steel Drums …SUMMER BREEZE SATURDAYS: 

Steppin Out Sounds (Reggae, Dancehall, 

Roots) w/ DJ Universal, Tony Vibes, & Mr. Woo, 

2 nd drink free!, 10pm 

Utopia …Sexy Saturdays w/ Jon Boesche, 9pm 

Sunday, January 30 

Live music. 

Albright Knox …Barry Harris 

Crocodile Bar …Strictly Hip plays the music of 

Tragically Hip, 9m 

HSBC Arena …Yanni Sucks, 8pm 

Merlin’s …Open mic w/ Lana & Mike Hund, 

every Sun, 10pm 

Nietzsche’s …The Allen St. Jazz Band, never a 

cover charge, 730pm 

Tudor Lounge …The Jony James Band, every 

Sun, 7pm, FREE 

DJ’s. 

Club Marcella …“Life’s a Drag” hosted by Miss 

Understood w/ DJ Frankie, every Sun, 11:30pm 

& 1:30am 

Le Metro (Elmwood) …”Sunday Skool” deep 

house, trip hop, chill-out soul, 11pm 

Rendezvous … 

Spot Coffee …Dharma Lab spins broken beats 

& downtempo, come chill, 8pm 

Monday, January 31 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Greenlight Booking presents 

Indie Night, 10pm 

Elmwood Lounge …Clopex plays every Monday, 

930pm, FREE 

Merlin’s …Karaoke w/ Billy-Oke, every Mon, 

10pm 

McGarret’s …Rhubarb, 10pm, FREE 

Nietzsche’s …Singer/Songwriter Showcase 

830pm / Open Mike with Michael Meldrum, 

1030pm 

Tuesday, February 1 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Open Mic Tuesday w/ Hoaxium 

& Stinky Ben, every Tues., 1030pm 

Comix Cafe …Dueling Pianos, every week, call 

835-HAHA 

Merlin’s …No Good Deed, 11pm 

Mohawk Place …Big D & The Kids Table, Amy 

Ryan & the Operatives, Mechatama, Rex Banner, 

6pm 

Ya Ya’s … Fat Tuesday EVERY Tuesday! LeeRon 

Zydeco & the Hot Tamales, Buffalo’s finest oyster 

bar, every Tues, 6-9pm 

DJ’s. 

Allen St Bar & Grill …Chilled Beats, DJs Scotty 

and Snackboy spin reggae, dub, downtempo, 

underground hip-hop and indie rock, every 

Tues, 10pm-3am 

Blu Lounge …DJ Two-Ten and DJ E-Rock spin 

all that is rock, 10pm, FREE 

Jade Ultra Lounge …College Night! 18 to 

enter w/ college ID, DJ’s play Top 40 tunes of 

all kinds, drink specials to fit your student 

budget!! 10pm 

Mulligan’s Brick Bar …DJ College, every Tues, 

10pm 

Wednesday, February 2 

Live music. 



Broadway Joe’s …One Push Wednesdays: An 

evening of skate & snowboarding cinema, 

10pm 




Comix Cafe …ComedySportz, call 835-HAHA 

for reservations 

Friday February 4th at 

The Continental 10pm $5/7 

Anal Pudding with My Lost 

Lenore and Junkbutton 



Frank’s ...Buffalo’s only hip hop weekly: 




10pm 


10pm 





bands and jam music, $2 Saranacs. 11pm 

Merlin’s …Brian Wheat, Tony Derosa, Peter 

Burakowski, 10pm 

Nietzsche’s …Pat Kane & Friends, 9pm 

Tudor Lounge …Open Mic w/ Geno McManus 

DJ’s. 











Happy Hour 11pm-1am, Complimentary food, 








Thursday February 3 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Early Hardcore Show: Psyopus, 

Sons of Azrael, Let it Die, From This Day, 

Thorax Collapse, 630pm 

Colored Musicians Club …Carol McLaughlin 

Band, every Thurs, 8-10pm 

Comix Cafe …Tim Joyce, ABC’s America’s Funniest 

People, Christina Knowles, call 835-HAHA 


Continental …Allentown Music Presents: 

Open Mic Night, 9pm 

Crocodile Bar …Universal Grille Band, 9pm 

E.B. Green’s, Hyatt Regency ... Jackie Jocko 

& Joe Peters, every Thurs., 7-11pm 

Lafayette Tap Room …The Mick Hayes Band, 

830pm, free 

McGarret’s …The finest jazz-jam-funk bands 

every week, $2 pints of anything! 11pm 

Merlin’s …Mark Webb, Amy Ryan & the Operatives, 

10pm 

Mohawk Place …EMERGENZA: Round 2, 8pm 

Nietzsche’s …Whatsie, The In Crowd, 8pm 

Royal Pheasant …The Vibe Collective w/ The 

Waz, Crittendon, & Rozler, 10pm, free 

Tudor Lounge …Jony James every Thurs, 8pm, 

FREE 

DJ’s. 

Blu Lounge …Freeform: Guest DJs (rock, hip 

hop, indie, house, drum n bass & more), 10pm 

Broadway Joe’s …Psinemataque: Foreign, 

classic, and indie films w/ soul n jazz by Sick n 

Tone, 1130pm 

Club Marcella …Ladies Night Thursdays, drag 

kings & queens perform @ 930 & 1130pm 

Continental …Retro Thursdays (upstairs), 

10pm 

Frank’s …METAL NIGHT. The only one in the 

city. Stoner Metal Sandy throws down the 

grind. 11pm 



658 Lounge …Last Minute DnB: drum n bass, 

10pm, free 

New World Record …DJ Zuk, soundscapes for 

the mind, every week 8-10pm 

Opium Lounge … Depeche Mode vs. 

Kraftwerk: Back 2 the 80’s w/ DJ Mike Parker, 

vintage tunes, huge patio, 10pm 

Roxy’s Green Room …Bassline Thursday with 

Soul Disciples (jazzy grooves, classic disco, 

house anthems, trip hop), 10pm (21+) 

Third Room …DJs Chief and Chris (old school, 

new school, and underground hip hop), every 

Thurs, 10pm 

Anal Pudding spreads its 

blend of perv-rock with 

two very different bands. 

My Lost Lenore delivers 

heavy metal masterpieces 

with a spectacular female 

vocalist/violinist (Lauren 

Clifford). Junkbutton originally 

rocked Fredonia before moving their gutter rock sound to Buffalo. 

Junkbutton also drinks a lot of Miller High Life. 

Friday February 4 

Live music. 

Alternative Brews …Mick Hayes Band, 6pm 

Anchor Bar …Jimmy Gomes and the Jazz 

Example, every Fri, 10pm 

Broadway Joe’s …The Lynch Band (featuring 

members of Schleigho & moe.), North Park Project, 

Uberfunk, Weezing Stubblers, 10pm 

Club Infinity …SKA IS DEAD: Streetlight Manifesto, 

Voodoo Glow Skulls, MU 330, Cherry 

Bing, 7pm 




Continental …Anal Pudding, Junk Button, My 

Lost Lenore, Discount Auto Parts, 9pm 


& Joe Peters, every Fri, 6-10pm 

Jade Ultra Lounge …Friday Happy Hour w/

Saturday February 5th 

at Showplace Theatre 7pm 

The Voodoo Dollies “Sexorcist” 

CD Release Party 

The finest slut-rock outfit 

Western New York has to 

offer, The Voodoo Dollies 

will release their latest cd, 

“The Sexorcist.” The Dollies 

recently played in Los 

Angeles at the legendary 

Dragonfly. This is going to 

be one hell of a party. Joining 

them on this monumental occasion are: Hanabi, Roach, Pyrolixious 

and the critically acclaimed Fold In Half Cat. 

live 

jazz, funk, and soul bands every week from 5- 

9pm 

Kabob & Curry …Worldly Improvisations of 

Purnima, great Indian food, 6pm 

Merlin’s …Steam Donkeys, FREE, 7-10pm / 

Flatbed, Jimmy Siv & the Runabouts, Roadhouse 

Gypsies, 11pm 

Mohawk Place …Willie & The Reinhardts, 

730pm / EMERGENZA: Round 2, 8pm 

Nietzsche’s …LOTUS w/ special guest DJ ZUK, 

10pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge …The Latin Jazz 

Project, 630-1030pm 


only piano bar & lounge featuring Lyn Cala & 

friends, 630-1030pm 

Showplace Theatre …Middleman, Mini Motor 

Punch, The Great Mistake, Floozie, La Cacahouette, 

7pm 

Soundlab …Nick Castro, The Feathers, Tracy 

Morrow, 9pm 

Tudor Lounge …Dan Harper, The Designated 

Hitters, every Fri, 6pm, free 

DJ’s. 

Blu Lounge …Freestyle Fridays: Funk, soul, 

indie rock, breaks, 80’s, and anything else to 

get you moving, 11pm 

Club Marcella …DJ Doogie & Charles Masters 

(dance music) on the main floor; Joe the D 

(hip-hop, R&B) in the VIP room, 10pm 

Continental …Goth/Alt/Indie/DJ (upstairs), 

11pm 

Frank’s …Rewind Fridays hosted by Biz-E, with 

guest DJ’s spinning underground beats, 11pm 

Jade …PLUSH Fridays: The finest in house 

music from Jubei, Ryan Lidell, and special 

guests. 10pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge …DJ Skoobie, every 

Fri, 1130pm 




11pm 

Opium Lounge …Latin Fridays: salsa, 

merengue, bachata, reggaton, 10pm-4am 

Prespa …Foundation: Every Friday featuring 

deep house, downtempo, electro, & brokenbeat 

in a casual sophisticated lounge setting, 

10pm 

Sphere …Ladies Night, Ladies Free, 11pm 

Saturday February 5 

Live music. 

Alternative Brews …April Mazzone, 2pm / 

TBA, 9pm 

Broadway Joe’s …The Darkling Metal Circus: 

Darkling, Deathrattle, more tba, 10pm 

Buffalo Icon …Staple, Poor Man’s Riches, 

Hope Dies Last, The Highway Beautiful, 6pm 

Club Infinity …Live country music w/ JB 

Aaron & Tombstone, 7pm 




Continental …Groundless, Wyld Stallyons, The 

Mind Automatic, Ted Eddison 


& Joe Peters, every Sat, 7-11pm 

Elmwood Lounge …Lance Diamond Show, 

every Sat, 11pm-3am 

Lafayette Tap Room …Jim Suhler & Monkey 

Beat 

Merlin’s …Fogcutter, Vision Serpents, The 

Astroes, 11pm 

Mohawk Place …EMERGENZA: Round 2, 8pm 

Nietzsche’s …Bob Marley Birthday Celebration 

w/ Neville Francis & the Riddim Posse, The 

Dreadbeats, 10pm 

O Restaurant and Lounge …David Kane Quartet, 

every Sat, 7-10pm, FREE 

Royal Pheasant …The Forbidden Trio, 10pm 


only piano bar & lounge featuring Joe the Carnival 

Clown & friends, 700-10pm 

DJ’s. 

Allen St. Hardware Cafe …Sick & Tone Atlas: 

Jazz soul and hip-hop sprinklings, every week 

@ 11pm 

Blu Lounge …House music. Techno music. 

DJ’s Aeon & Josh Waxum, 11pm 

Club Marcella …”Boys Night Out”, live house 

trance techno with DJ Mighty Mic, 10pm 

Continental …Alternative Dance CDJ 

(upstairs), 11pm 

Groove …College Night (R&B, hip hop, reggae), 

10pm, 18+ 

Mulligan’s Brick Bar …DJ College, every Sat, 

10pm 




11pm 

Prespa …Structure: house, breaks, electro, & 

electric beats in a lounge setting, DJ Scotty 

deja blu. 2 for 1 pints after 2am. 

Rendezvous …Jubei, Kei, & Spectre, midnight 

Steel Drums …SUMMER BREEZE SATURDAYS: 

Steppin Out Sounds (Reggae, Dancehall, 

Roots) w/ DJ Universal, Tony Vibes, & Mr. Woo, 

2 nd drink free!, 10pm 

Sphere …Live to Air with Wild 101.1 DJ Noodles 

on the main floor, Lil Joe in the front 

lounge, 18+ to enter, 11pm 

Utopia …Sexy Saturdays w/ Jon Boesche, 9pm 

Sunday, February 6 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Capillary Action, Talibam!, 

Achilles, The Hue of Two, 730pm 

Crocodile Bar …Strictly Hip plays the music of 

Tragically Hip, 10pm 

Merlin’s …Open mic, every Sun, 10pm 

Nietzsche’s …The Allen St. Jazz Band, FREE, 

730pm 

Tudor Lounge ...The Jony James Band, every 

Sun, 7pm, FREE 

DJ’s. 

Broadway Joe’s …Tribute to Dave Matthews, 

1030pm 

Club Marcella …“Life’s a Drag” hosted by Miss 

Understood w/ DJ Frankie, every Sun, 1130pm 

& 

1:30am 

Le Metro (Elmwood) …”Sunday Skool” Deep 

House, trip-hop, funky soul, 11pm 

Rendezvous … 

Spot Coffee (Downtown …DJ Flip, Souo Station, 

830pm, 1030pm 

Monday, February 7 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Greenlight Booking presents 

Indie Night, 10pm 

Buffalo Icon …Bowling For Soup, American 

Hi-Fi, Riddlin Kids, MC Lars, 6pm 

Coffee Bean Cafe …Mountain Run, John 

Martz, 8pm 

Elmwood Lounge …Clopex plays every Monday, 

930pm, FREE 

Merlin’s …Karaoke w/ Billy-Oke, every Mon, 

10pm 

McGarret’s …Lazlo Hollyfeld plays 2 sets, 

every Mon, Buffalo’s hottest Mon night!, 10pm, 

FREE 

Nietzsche’s …Singer/Songwriter Showcase 

830pm / Open Mike with Michael Meldrum, 

1030pm 

Tuesday, February 8 

Live music. 

Broadway Joe’s …Open Mic w/ Hoaxium & 

Stinky Ben, every Tues, 1030pm 

Comix Cafe …Dueling Pianos, every week, call 

835-HAHA 

Frizzys …Rhubarb, Fat Tuesday, 10pm 

Nietzsche’s …Artvoice Mardis Gras Celebration: 

bands all day 

Ya Ya’s … Fat Tuesday EVERY Tuesday! LeeRon 

Zydeco & the Hot Tamales, Buffalo’s finest oyster 

bar, every Tues, 6-9pm 

DJ’s. 

Allen St Bar & Grill …Chilled Beats, Scotty 

and Snackboy spin, dub, downtempo, underground 

hip-hop, every Tues, 10pm-3am 

Blu Lounge …DJ Two-Ten and DJ E-Rock spin 

all that is rock, 10pm, FREE 

Club Marcella …Mardi Gras Spectacular: Bare 

as you Dare, Grand as you Can, The finest drag 

and costume performances of the year 

Jade Ultra Lounge …College Night! 18 to 

enter w/ college ID, DJ’s play Top 40 tunes of 

all kinds, drink specials to fit your student 

budget!! 10pm 

Mulligan’s Brick Bar …DJ Fritz, every Tues, 

10pm 

Wednesday, February 9 

Live music. 



Broadway Joe’s …Face Down in Mexico City 

With an Ice Pick in the Back, Cru Jones, Faultlines, 

7pm / One Push Wednesdays: An evening 

of skate & snowboarding cinema, 10pm 

Buffalo Icon …18 Visions, Emery, Remembering 

Never, Misery Signals, Inferis, 7pm 







10pm 


10pm 





bands and jam music, $2 Saranacs. 11pm 

Mohawk Place …Chin Up Chin Up, 9pm 

Tudor Lounge …Pamela Ryder’s Musicians 

Workshop, every Wed, 9pm 

DJ’s. 











Happy Hour 11pm-1am, Complimentary food, 








Want your venue or event listed here? Want us 

to get rid of it? Don’t be a lazy promoter. Email 

marshall@buffalobeast.com and we just 

might take care of that for you. 



Iwas a Catholic. Not just any 

Catholic. I went to church with 

my family every Sunday and on 

every holy day of obligation. I 

attended a Catholic elementary 

school, a Jesuit High School, and a 

Jesuit College. I was married in a 

Catholic church with a Catholic 

priest. I was president of my parish 

counsel at my Catholic church. And 

I am the God Father to seven children. 

All this, and by age 32 I had 

never actually read the Bible. If you 

had asked me when I was 32 

whether I had ever read the Bible, I 

would have given the same answer 

just about every Catholic I have 

asked gives me: “Over the years I 

have probably read the whole Bible, 

yes.” But the sad fact is that after 

being a Catholic for over 32 years, I 

had never read the book which is 

undoubtedly the foundation for 

Christianity. 

When my son was born, I felt I 

needed to increase my faith in God. 

And, as my three daughters were 

born, that desire grew. I didn’t 

want to be merely a good Catholic; 

I wanted to be a great Catholic. My 

parents were great Catholics for me 

and I wanted to be that for my children. 

I asked my parish priest what 

I could do to become a great 

Catholic. He suggested that I start 

by going to the source of our faith; 

the Bible. So I did. I began reading 

Genesis and didn’t stop until I finished 

Revelation. Over 1400 pages. 

I read every night. I read on planes. 

I read while waiting for meetings. I 

read every day. Sometimes a lot, 

sometimes a little, but always 

something. It took me over a year. 

At first, I didn’t take notes, I just 

read. I didn’t want to turn it into a 

“study thing;” I simply wanted to 

absorb the Word of God, to take it 

all in. 

Since my goal was to become a 

great Catholic, at first everything 

made sense. Everything worked. If 

it didn’t, I made it work. King 

David is an adulterer and murder? 

No problem. Rebecca favors her 

son Jacob over her son Esau and 

cheats Esau out of his birthright? 

No problem. Jacob marries his two 

cousins, and has 12 sons with two 

wives and two concubines, works 

for me. 

But at some point things began to 

unravel. Maybe it was when I began 

to appreciate that the Old Testament 

portrayed God as a racist. Or 

maybe it was when Moses claimed 

that God told him to commit genocide 

in Canaan. I didn’t immediately 

conclude that the Bible was an 

offensive insult to God, though. I 

simply concluded that I wasn’t 

bright enough or insightful enough 

to understand the mysteries. 

So I kept reading. But rather than 

simply read and absorb, I started 

the process of folding corners. 

Every time something didn’t make 

sense to me, I folded the corner of 

the page. I didn’t want to be slowed 

down by my ignorance. I planned 

that, after I finished the Bible once, 

I would go back and address the 

few outstanding issues. Before 

long, though, I was folding both 

corners of every page. I even started 

making small tears in pages, to 

remind myself that there were 

more than two issues on particular 

pages. 

By the time I reached the New Testament, 

I had practically doubled 

the thickness of the book with all of 

my folds. It looked like an accordion. 

I was relieved to get to 

Matthew, though. After all, Jesus 

came here to set the record 

straight. He came to tell the Jews 

they were on the wrong path and to 

provide guidance for Jew and Gentile 

alike. My questions would soon 

be answered. But that didn’t happen. 

My issues only grew. By the 

time I finished Matthew, I had 

given up on my corner-folding 

technique and pulled out a pen. By 

the time I finished Revelation, I 

had notes everywhere. 

It simply didn’t make sense. This 

was the Word of God, but it didn’t 

sound like that to me. So I spoke 

with some really smart Christians. 

They told me to pray about it. 

Wow! Why didn’t I think of that? 

The only problem was that I had 

been praying about it, every day, 

five times per day. The book simply 

didn’t make sense! Then they told 

me that I must not have enough 

faith. I’m not listening. I’m not 

opening myself up to God’s Word. 

Let’s see; I had just dedicated 

almost two years of my life to reading 

a book most Christians haven’t 

even read, I’d dedicated myself to 

prayer at least five times per day, 

I’d gone to every smart Christian I 

know to get answers, and I didn’t 

have enough faith? I wasn’t listening? 

I wasn’t opening myself up to 

God’s Word? 

I made a new plan. I would read the 

book again. This time, though, I 

wouldn’t read it as a Christian; I 

would read it as a Martian. I wouldn’t 

read it with the belief that Jesus 

is the “Son of God;” I would believe 

that Jesus was just a man, until the 

text proved otherwise. This time I 

would read the book with only 

three assumptions. First, that God 

loves his children at least as much 

as I love mine. Second, that God 

wouldn’t favor one child over 

another (I wouldn’t and God is a 

better parent than I am). And third, 

that God is all-powerful and allknowing. 

The second reading changed my 

life. 

You see, without a lifetime of Christian 

baggage obstructing my view, I 

was able to see Jesus for the first 

time. I didn’t see the compassionate, 

loving, Son of God who gave his 

life to take away the sins of the 

world. At least not in Jesus. What I 

saw in Jesus was arrogance, anger, 

abusiveness, self love, insecurity, 

and racism. Most of all though, I 

saw a man; not God. 

I now find it funny that authors of 

books like the The DaVinci Code 

invest all kinds of time attempting 

to expose major weaknesses in the 

Catholic Church. Typically, 

Catholics respond with “outrage” at 

the author, and sometimes disenchantment 

with the Catholic religion. 

I think it’s funny because 

regardless of whether the leaders of 

the Catholic Church are corrupt, 

the religion is fatally flawed by the 

fact that it’s centered on Jesus. To 

discredit the Christian religion, one 

need only read the book—not The 

DaVinci Code, the Bible. The 

Gospels in particular. The words 

Jesus actually spoke. If you read 

the Gospels as I did, as a Martian, 

you will see that Jesus is a man and 

Christianity is a fraud. 

Over the next few months, I’ll show 

you what I saw the second time I 

read the Bible, the book that over 

two billion people have accepted as 

the Word of God. 

Itza Crock is an attorney and 

lapsed Catholic in the Buffalo area. 

He is using a pseudonym because 

he would probably otherwise be 

beaten up by misguided Christians 

with no sense of irony.

As Divined By Your our Ethereal Guide ...Andrew Gullerstien 

Aquarius 

(Jan 20-Feb 19) 

Y’know Aquarius, I’ve tried being nice 

with you and wearing the kid gloves, 

because you have no self-esteem and 

are a genuinely sad person. Yet every 

time I attempt to show you some kindness, 

you turn around and stick it up my 

ass with relish. Well, the gloves are off, 

you manipulative little asshole, and I 

don’t want you to be surprised when you 

no longer have your shield from reality. 

You see Aquarius, the reason you have 

no self-esteem is because you are worthless. 

It’s just that simple. You’ve spent 

your entire life crying publicly and playing 

the “poor me” game in order to gain 

sympathy just to fuck your sympathizers 

as soon as you get a chance. You are a 

sad, worthless pile of organic matter and 

the world would be a better place if your 

parents had made a smarter assessment 

of their genetic value. Much like mixing 

bleach and ammonia, a combination 

from which only nausea and respiratory 

arrest come. Fuck you, Aquarius, you’re 

on my cosmic shit list now. Hell, even the 

stars can’t stay far enough away from 

your ick. 

Pisces 

(Feb 20-March 20) 

Well Pisces, no one can say that you didn’t 

try. I mean some guys just fantasize 

about being able to blow themselves, but 

you made it your mission. All those special 

workouts and years of Yoga classes 

you attended just so that you might be 

the one. Yes, the one man that could fully 

pleasure himself and live free of the 

curse of woman. Hell, your dedication to 

this dream alone should have won you a 

Nobel Prize. Of course, that would be 

rather useless now that you’re in traction 

and the doctors have given you very little 

hope that your neck vertebrae will 

ever heal. Please, Pisces, don’t let the 

dream die. You may one day walk again; 

you may one day live your dream. Unless 

of course you get a bed sore, those 

damn things will kill you. Just ask Superman. 

Aries 

(March21-April 20) 

Aires, for a hardcore lesbian you seemed 

rather interested in some dick. Not that 

it’s a bad thing, it’s just changes the 

whole dynamic that we’ve been operating 

under. The whole thing is just kind of 

weird and calls for a new set of guidelines 

to be established. It’s sort of like 

discovering a new planet and not being 

sure if the native species are harmless 

Fraggles or those damned Ewoks. Yeah, 

I know what you’re gonna say about the 

Ewoks but those fuckers were going to 

eat Han, Luke and Chewbacca. People 

like to forget that part. So, like I said, it’s 

not a bad thing just weird and potentially 

cannibalistic. 

…Fucking Ewoks. 

Taurus 

(April 20-May 20) 

Taurus, let me make this quick: You’re an 

asshole. Just so we’re clean on this. 

You’re an asshole. I simply don’t want 

there to be any confusion on the subject, 

you’re an asshole and that all there is to 

it Taurus. But you should know this, 

being the asshole that you are. Not much 

else to say, asshole; I have to move on to 

more worthwhile people. 

Gemini 

(May 21 –June 20) 

Gemini, you know that light switch in 

your front hall that doesn’t seem to be 

connected to anything and every time 

you walk by you flick it about a dozen 

times? Well, you should stop that 

because there is a dude in Finland who is 

going to hop on a plane and kick the shit 

out of you. Believe me, sleep depravation 

can do that to you, and it takes a lot to 

piss of a Fin. Just because the switch 

doesn’t do anything for you doesn’t 

mean it doesn’t do anything. You might 

think it’s fun but that poor bastard’s 

house looks like a Poltergeist frat house 

every time you can’t control your urges. 

Have a heart Gemini, enough foreigners 

hate us without adding Finland to the list. 

Cancer 

(June 21-July 22) 

Cancer, the stars have told me your 

lucky number and said that it can change 

your life for the better if used properly. 

The number is “Zadnpf.” Apparently it 

exists between fourteen and fifteen and 

hasn’t been discovered by mathematicians 

as of yet. The stars also mentioned 

that it wouldn’t be discovered for about 

three hundred years. So you’re kinda 

fucked on this one Cancer. Have you 

considered investing in Cryogenics? 

Leo 

(July 23-Aug. 22) 

Leo, what can I say? You were right, the 

dumb ass was going to break his neck if 

he tried blowing himself. You should give 

him props because the paramedics told 

me that he actually did get it in his mouth 

just seconds before his neck broke. 

Basically, what I am saying is that I’m not 

really sure if I owe you the $25 because 

he technically was blowing himself 

before his spine snapped and the wording 

of the bet was that he would break 

his neck if he “tried” to blow himself. We 

can talk about it later. If you go to visit 

Pisces, just be sure to give him the “keep 

dreaming the dream” shit. It helps take 

his mind of being a cripple. 

Virgo 

(Aug 23-Sept 22) 

Virgo, it takes a man with gigantic balls 

and a heart of stone to drink another 

man’s chocolate milk. Did you even think 

about what you were doing? Perhaps 

you just opened the fridge and said, 

“Hey, there’s some delicious chocolate 

milk, nobody could be saving that.” I 

hope you enjoyed every last drop of it 

before you buried the evidence in the 

garbage can like a dead hooker. All the 

while the true victim lay in his bed with 

dreams of sailing upon calm milk chocolate 

seas in search of chocolate chunk 

islands, only to wake to the ugly sting of 

betrayal. One day you’ll pay for your 

treachery, Virgo, for the Devil will have 

his due. 

Libra 

(Sept 23 –Oct 22) 

Libra, because you are a pain in the ass, 

the Cosmos and I are in agreement that 

from now on people should refer to their 

hemorrhoids only as “Libra” and do 

away with calling them hemorrhoids. 

That’s all I have for you Libra; now go 

play on some train tracks. 

Scorpio 

(Oct 23-Nov 21) 

Scorpio, I know you’ve been 

wondering what would happen if you 

asked out that really hot chick at the coffee 

shop. Well, I conferred with the stars 

and have your answer. She would say 

“no,” and you would be emotionally 

crushed. Then you would start parking 

outside the coffee shop every night just 

to stare at her through the window. 

Shortly after that you would begin to follow 

her home and park near her house 

until you saw all the lights go out. This 

would continue until you became 

increasingly bold. I really don’t need to 

finish this Scorpio; just accept that asking 

her out is not a good idea. As for the 

girl at the deli? Well I have a feeling that 

her club foot will dance it’s way into your 

heart. Well, maybe it won’t dance. 

Sagittarius 

(Nov 22 – Dec 21) 

Sagittarius my sweet, if you’re going to 

walk around naked in front of your windows 

with the curtains open, then please 

have the decency to stick to a set schedule. 

I’ve wasted three sick days this week 

and it’s gotten to the point where I am 

losing sleep trying to lock down the pattern, 

but you simply refuse to cooperate. 

How else am I going to know when to 

have the camera set up or my friends 

over? Have some decency, Sagittarius, 

because I really love tits. 

Capricorn 

(Dec 22 – Jan 19) 

Capricorn what the hell are you bitching 

about? You’re the one that took the shitty 

job to begin with because you didn’t 

“feel challenged” or some bullshit along 

those lines. Why don’t you just be honest 

and say that you wanted to bring 

home more money than the pittance you 

were bringing home before. Hell, Capricorn, 

it’s a capitalist society and you 

were just doing what comes natural. You 

could not have possibly known what a 

total fucking tool your boss was. I mean, 

he seemed like a normal guy at the time, 

beyond the fact that he had the personality 

of an unseasoned crouton. You had 

no way of knowing he wore powdered 

wigs, and spoke in an English accent 

during private “pants optional” meetings. 

Sure he makes you mad and often 

treats you like shit in front of the entire 

staff, but you have something he doesn’t, 

Capricorn. You have a video of him 

perched naked on the conference table 

while shitting on the Founder’s portrait 

and screaming, “This is my Mission 

Statement!” Now Capricorn, just give it a 

second and it will come…Let’s see some 

capitalism. 

Tired of 

Textbooks? 

Check out our selection of 

graphic novels, comics, busts, 

statues, & toys. 

Seeley & Kane’s 

Cards & Comics 

2745 Delaware Ave. Kenmore, NY 

876-7168 


ar•dak n [Russ, ·‡apple‰‡Í, brothel, chaos] slang (1997) 

Dives 

Green Buffalo Pub 

★ ★★★ ★★ 

Cheers: This is the place for you if you have no hope 

of ever leaving the immediate Lancaster/Depew area. 

Great for depressing conversations or advice about 

rolling a proper joint, what to do about your 

knocked-up girlfriend (for the second time), or how 

shitty it is working in the dilapidated warehouse 

you're employed in. Beer is cheap, mixed drinks could 

be a bit cheaper but not too bad. Great "blue collar" 

jukebox drinking songs, "Deer hunter" video game 

w/rifle, trashy broads even a retarded midget could 

bag (with some serious beer goggles, of course.) As a 

bona fide chicken finger fanatic/professional critic, 

some of the best fingers and fresh-cut homemade 

French fries I've ever had in the Greater Buffalo-Niagara 

region and dirt cheap at that. ($5 for a basket) 

Jeers: Obtaining the best chicken fingers and fries 

has become increasingly difficult/erratic; cook is "not 

here" most of the time, sometimes requesting food 

for take out is met by a "no" from whomever 

answers the phone. Can feel extremely uncomfortable 

if you're not a 100% miserable Buffalonian, they 

can smell it a mile away. Prepare to be met with cold 

stares and not too discreet comments; violence in air 

is palpable, very much resembles the Mos Eisley cantina 

from Star Wars (I think I saw Ponda Bobba in 

there last week). Lots of dicks from high school you 

don't want to see and vice versa. 

Address: 165 Lake Ave, Lancaster 

Phone: 681-4414 

Pour House 

★ ★★ ★★ 

Cheers: Alcohol numbs pain. 

Jeers: We weep for our future. This is the former Kettle’s 

South, the diviest of dives north of Eden, a place 

where you could step into the john in peace, then 

return to find bodies broken and bleeding and the 

cops taking names. Not anymore. Now it’s lit up like 

a library. Friend from LA, equally disappointed, called 

the place a “tool shed” because of its 100:1 menwomen 

ratio. Jukebox, which once held reliable classic 

rock, was playing John Mayer, so we fled. 

Address: 23 South Buffalo Street, Hamburg 

Phone: 649-9895 

Essex St. Pub 

★ ★★ ★ 

Cheers: If you’re feeling nostalgic for the bygone 

days of the mid to late ‘90s, then head to the Essex. 

There’s no better place to relive those heady times 

than this “bar the millenium forgot.” Nod your head 

thoughtfully to the strains of Sonic Youth’s seminal 

album Dirty as you stare wistfully at the autographed 

picture of Rita Repulsa, recalling a more innocent 

time, before the Power Rangers sold out. They say 

you can never go home again, but you can go to the 

Essex, where the Rolling Rock splits are 2 for $1.75 

and the bartenders care enough to give you a to-go 

cup of ice water if they know you’re driving drunk. 

Jeers: The bathroom is disgusting and so cramped 


that an associate had to balance on the 

toilet and use the top of the wooden divider 

between the sink and stall in order to cut and snort 

his drugs. One final word regarding the bathroom: 

“Crowbar” must have a freakishly small penis, and I 

can’t thank him enough for making an already 

unpleasant place almost intolerable. The legend of 

the camera, “you can’t see it, it’s near the broken 

TV,” makes smoking impossible and lends an air of 

Orwellian paranoia that seems out of place given the 

general atmosphere of the bar, but right in step with 

the times. 

Address: 6 Essex St.(Rhode Island Ave) 

Phone: 883-2150 

Pyramid Lounge 

★ ★★ ★ 

Cheers: Classic dive bar. Fake wood paneling and ramshackle 

appearance will make you feel right at 

home—if you live in your parents' basement. Longtime 

fixture among Hamburg watering holes. Goodsized 

bar, with decent crowd when we visited. Lack of 

Harleys parked outside perplexing. Friendly patrons 

politely pretend not to notice your inebriated slurring. 

Well-lit back room with decent pool table where you 

get the feeling you could play a friendly game of pool 

or have it off with the chestnut haired temptress you 

just met and nobody would notice one way or the 

other. 

Jeers: Place cleary ravaged by the smoking ban; the 

only place to light up is on the sidewalk out front, 

thereby exposing you to the scorn of school children. 

Sports memorabilia behind the bar is twice as old as 

anybody in the place 

Address: 187 Buffalo St, Hamburg 

Phone: 648-3646 

Jacobi’s 

★ ★ ★ 

Cheers: Cheap Pitchers and Tuesday night Kareoke 

might draw a stray college kid or two in here. 

Kitchen closes at midnight and I suppose the wings 

can be deemed tolerable. 

Jeers: On every other night you will find every sad 

middle-agers from the university heights area slowly 

drowning their considerable pain in a haze of alcohol 

(and maybe something else as well). 400lb women 

will slowly be sliding down their bar stools as their 

once cool biker husbands oggle the twenty-something 

bartender. If you have six dollars left in your 

pocket and you want to spend it on beer we suggest 

a twelve pack of Natural Ice. The karaoke-man 

mocked one Beast staffer’s rendition of "Insensitive" 

by Jann Arden, which was not appreciated at all. 

Address: 384 Kenmore Ave. 

Phone: 835-5678 

Hours: 11am-til late (kitchen open until midnight) 

Molly’s Pub 

★★ ★ ★ 

Cheers: Molly’s is what the Steer could be if assholes 

stopped going there. Awesome drink specials assure 

Things That Do & Don’t Suck 

THE BEAST 

DECODING 

key 

you that these guys don’t fuck around. No watereddown 

drinks here; even the 50-cent well drinks are 

mostly alcohol. More dartboards than pretty much 

any bar this side of the Atlantic. Karaoke combined 

with cheap drinks makes every Tuesday night there 

amusing as hell. On a recent Saturday night, we 

caught a friend’s band playing here and had a sloppy-great 

time. At least we think we did; don’t 

remember the end of that night. This is the bar for 

people going out to drink; no pussies need apply. 

Thanks Molly’s. Once more, we were seen puking in 

your parking lot. And we’ll certainly do it again.. 

Jeers: Sometimes, they make you pay a cover. That 

sucks. The place has kind of a weird set-up and it’s 

awkward when bands play there. Oh, and there’s 

this creepy guy who comes by himself for karaoke 

Tuesdays and sings Elton John songs. Last time, he 

pointed to a friend during “Your Song.”. 

Address: 3199 Main St. 

Phone: 836-6559 

Caruso’s 

★★ ★★ ★ 

Cheers: Cheap beer and drinks in general. Really competitive 

pool games. Friendly staff, who will actually 

buy back drinks when you tip them (a sacred deal that 

many bartenders across this great land, and especially 

in our fair city seem to have forgotten about). While 

the cracked linoleum floor, old wooden furniture, and 

giant Tom Selleck poster in back add to the atmosphere, 

it’s the people that make this bar exceptional. 

They’re racially and economically diverse, and tend to 

be completely unlike the yahoos you find on Elmwood 

or Chippewa. There are no posing hipsters or weakling 

Buffalo scenesters, and the more authentic type of 

gangster would run out any fake-ass wannabes. Simply 

put, This place is authentic and has character… 

dare we say soul. 

Jeers: Caruso’s is far from just about anywhere. The 

beer selection is lousy and Jameson is unavailable. 

Finding songs you actually want to hear on the jukebox 

ranges from excessively time-consuming to plain 

impossible (unless you really like R&B). The crowd 

there is occasionally too friendly… you may find yourself 

trapped in an advice-strewn conversation about 

the meaning of love and life with a regret-filled 47year-old 

man. You also might end up finishing off a 

blunt out front with a “21”-year-old kid who just got 

out of the pokey, and insists he can trick out your 

ancient Japanese car for “like $500.” There are 

women there, but most of them seem to be underage, 

taken, or both. 

Address: 829 Niagara St 

Phone: 648-1390 

Elmwood Lounge 

★★ ★★ ★ 

Cheers: This place is just plain nuts on any Saturday 

night of the year. $3 to see Lance Diamond is an 

incredible bargain. Anything can happen here—you 

could get drunk, high, and laid or wind up out back in 

a pool of piss, blood and vomit. Either way, it’s exciting. 

Plenty of horny women as well as some weird 

characters like the old bald guy with a ZZ Top beard 

sitting at the corner of the bar nursing a glass of 

ridiculously cheap draft beer all night, oblivious to the 

madness all around. Consider the Lounge ground zero 

= Fahkie Factor! Do you have a chance in hell of getting laid here? ★ = 

Not unless you screw the homeless guy out back ★★ = If you bring an 

8-ball of coke and an HIV-negative certificate, you’ve got a shot ★★★ 

= Get ready for a Ron Jeremy evening: you’re gonna get fa-a-a-ahhked 

= Fracas Factor! Is a fight likely to break out here? ★ = No, all the guys 

look like the lead singer from Weezer ★★ = Just don’t wendel anyone’s 

girlfriend, and you’ll be fine ★★★ = One false move, and you’ll 

think you’re in the cafeteria at Attica 

= Foam Factor! Will cheap-0 BEAST readers be able to afford the beer? 

★ = less than $2 per beer ★★ = $2–3 per beer ★★★ = $4–40,000 

for your next blackout. We’re still spellbound by Stacy 

the adorable bartender. 

Jeers: Old and sort of dingy, direct skin contact with 

interior surfaces not advisable. The mens’ room was 

put in as an afterthought; the door neither opens all 

the way nor fully shuts, one of those odd carpentry 

errors typical of area dives. Twisted old people sit 

around for hours pissing away their golden years and 

Social Security on Lotto and Quickdraw. If you don’t 

like a crowd, come in any night of the week and witness 

an ever-changing cast of misfits and characters 

even Quentin Tarantino couldn’t dream up. And no, 

Stacy won’t date you, but she’ll definitely entertain 

you. 

Address: Elmwood and West Utica 

Phone: 882 - 5881 

‘Nice’ 

J.P. Fitzgerald’s 

★★★ ★★ ★★ 

Cheers: When we were kids, this was the Village Edge 

restaurant, known for its soup and salad bar and its 

matronly staff. When we were older, it became a loud 

pseudo-Irish bar with a deck, a great jukebox, and a 

lot of great times we don’t remember. Now, years 

later, we wish it had a soup and salad bar again. But 

there we were, and old man sitting in a young man’s 

bar, waiting for my turn to groove. Place is packed 

constantly, and probably a lot of fun if you don’t mind 

the groping. 

Jeers: We mind the groping; maybe we’re getting old. 

Why won't the backwards baseball cap thing go the 

fuck away? Hanging out with two single friends was 

like walking a couple of Irish setters through a park 

while keeping them from sniffing. Spent evening staring 

at floor trying not to make eye contact with either 

the fridge-sized no-necks with something to prove or 

the waifish succubi who provoke them. Went home 

and reproposed to our wives. Made a hot cup of soup. 

Wept softly for a generation. 

Address: 4236 Clark St, Hamburg 

Phone: 649-4025 

Tralf 

★ ★ ★★ 

Cheers: Upscalish sit-down concert venue with good 

sound system and occasionally good national and 

regional acts, such as the recent Paul Westerberg 

show. Cool bartenders. High ceilings keep the accumulating 

cigarette smoke well above your head and 

eyes. Live shows end in plenty of time for you to go 

do some serious drinking elsewhere. 

Jeers: Most of the live acts tend toward the dinosaur 

whitey blues genre. Drinks on the pricey side. At the 

more packed shows where they remove some of the 

tables, spilled beers turn the ancient gray all-weather 

carpeting into a gooey mess that will attempt to 

relieve you of your shoes. All those aging white people 

dancing poorly as if they're at some kind of beach 

party can be creepy. You have to ride up an extremely 

narrow escalator to get there. 

Address: 622 Main Street (2nd floor at Theatre Place) 

Phone: 851-8725

BEAST EATS 

Key (for one entree, side dish and drink per person) 

$ = UP TO $15.00 • $$ = $15.00 - $30.00 • $$$ = $30.00 - $50.00 • $$$$ = $50.00 - ∞ 

Diners 

ZJ’s 

$ 

Cheers: This is a former “Your Host” restaurant that hasn’t changed 

much over the years. The atmosphere has stayed the same—big 

tables, lots of booths, a lunch counter. The food, however, has made 

leaps into the future. There’s something to be said for a restaurant 

that lets you look into their kitchen. Every souvlaki lover has his own 

idea of the best, and this is ours. Loaded with onions and feta, served 

with a crisp grilled pita, it gets topped with a dressing we have tried 

to duplicate at home with depressing results. A full menu of pies and 

desserts that you must save room for. 

Jeers: With a dozen bars within a mile radius surrounding it, one 

would hope ZJ’s would stay open for that 4 a.m. bar crowd. No such 

luck. Walls are adorned with framed prints by local artist/mogul 

Thelma Winter. Sort of homey, until you realize they’re for sale. 

Address: Hamburg Village Square, 140 Pine Street 

Phone: 646-5950 

Lake Effect Diner 

$ 

Cheers: We all stumbled into this ‘50s style diner, half drunk and 

half expecting to get hosed or attacked by dogs. That didn’t happen 

for a couple of reasons. The milkshakes more than make up for the 

trailer architecture, which echoes a cold war bomb shelter, and the 

waitress made us feel at home. The menu offers a great deal to 

choose from in appetizers, entrees and deserts. A great place to take 

a dame out after a picture, especially if she likes stainless steel and 

you’re broke. The Lake Effect Diner is a swell place to get a decent 

late night meal that won’t break the bank. 

Jeers: The damn thing is made of stainless steel. We know that 

shouldn’t really affect us that much, but it does! After a while, we 

began to reason that the building would scramble the GPS in our cell 

phones, and if we left in different clothes we could elude JonBenet 

Ramsey’s ghost. She was bound to find us again, we keep blowing her 

off. The booths were a little too cozy for our rotund modern asses. 

Not a good place to do angel dust. 

Address: 3165 Main St 

Phone: 831-0443 

‘Nice’ 

Left Bank 

$$$$ 

Cheers: Sometimes you need to dine in style. Plenty of atmosphere 

in this trendy joint. The help was courteous and efficient, with 

impressive knowledge of the specials. Tasty sauce reductions at every 

turn. Menu packed with flavor and know-how by great chefs. Large 

fenced patio for death-stick consumption, nice for romantic chatter 

and dinner under the stars—when it’s not totally fucking freezing. 

Right across street from Essex Pub and Craig's house. Waitresses were 

all hot enough to convince you to trade nuclear secrets to China. 

Jeers: Better get reservations about a month in advance...and 

make sure there's room on the ol' credit card. Bar full of rich, snobby 

fucks who haven’t lived an honest day in their sniveling, insignificant 

lives. 

Address: 501 Rhode Island St. 

Phone: 882-3509 

Water Valley Inn 

$ 

Cheers: Prototypical of the small, homey roadside restaurants that 

once populated Western New York, then disappeared to make way for 

the "neighborhood grill" chains. Small bar in front attracts a genial, 

more mature, meet-the-guys-on-the-way-home crowd. The old photos 

and bric-a-brac tacked to walls may remind one of, say, Applebee’s, 

but try to remember that places like this gave THEM the idea. 

Too few stray from the safe and outstanding fish fries (the air is heavy 

with the aroma of oil, though the fried entrees are surprisingly light 

and crisp), but the adventurous will be rewarded with creative dishes 

full of flavors, and in portions one human could conceivably consume. 

Jeers: With Route 62, Water Valley Nursery, a homestead and Eighteen 

Mile Creek boxing it in on all sides, they can't expand their lot, 

and parking is tight even when sober. If your parking brake works 

and you don’t mind a short walk, you can park on the street. There’s 

nothing they can do about it, but the dumpster in the parking lot 

takes the edge off your appetite in the summer months. 

Address: 6656 Gowanda State Road (Route 62), Hamburg- 

Phone: 649-9691 

Kentucky Greg’s Hickory Pit 

NEW!! 

$$ 

Cheers: The only impression we ever had of this place before we 

tried it was from a former coworker who would come waddling back 

to work, bloated, bleary-eyed and with the pacified half-grin of the 

Buddha. We now know that joy. Head-sized sandwiches overflowing 

with spicy pork or chicken, choices of beans or greens, or whatever 

else should be good for you but is definitely, definitely not. Life is 

about quality, not longevity, so get the cheese fries- shoestring fried 

potatoes smothered (it’s a cliche, but this time we mean it) in real 

shredded cheese—not that goo other places soak your spuds in— 

and, in a sort of bad-ass culinary nose-thumbing, a healthy dollop of 

sour cream. Watching your diet? Bring a friend and share. 

Jeers: We guess one way of becoming a slow-burning legend is to put 

your business way the hell out in East Cupcake. We always drive by 

twice, then, somehow, end up in the parking lot of the ice cream 

stand next door. Waitress laughed at us when we asked for Texas toast 

with my sandwich, which was served on...Texas Toast. Okay, we’re 

idiots. We were distracted by the cheese fries. 

Address: 2186 George Urban Blvd, Depew 

Phone: 685-6599 

Betty’s 

$ 

Cheers: Cybele’s mourners in Allentown have a new place to go with 

half the wait and half the attitude. Betty’s is full of familiar faces 

from Cybele’s and some near-identical dishes, but is an altogether 

brighter and more conventional affair. Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich 

is reportedly delicious. Plantains and salsa is tasty and unusual. 

Service is casual and friendly without being slovenly. This place 

has a really good feel to it, charming decor, a familiar clientele and 

staff, and a neatly tucked-away location that’s just a block from Allen 

St. Definitely recommended. 

Jeers: Dour Cybele’s regulars may experience discomfort in sunny 

dining room. No bar. Dinner portions not gigantic. Upon further 

review, the steak sandwiches are actually quite excellent. Not 

enough plantains per order. Coffee is high-octane, but with a hint of 

truck stop. 

Address: 370 Virginia St 

Phone: 362-0633 

The Rendevous 

$$ 

Cheers: One of the most interesting and enjoyable places to have a 

meal in the area. The large patio is very cool. It'll make you feel like 

you're eating in New Orleans or somewhere in South America (yeah, 

right). The gumbo is a must, but watch out—it will fill you up fast. 

The crab cakes and jambalaya are spicy and delicious and great as 

an appetizer or entree. You can't go wrong with their many seafood 

selections, or the wide selection of poorboy sandwiches made with 

fresh Italian bread. Indoor dining booths still sport the carvings of 

an ancient people that used to inhabit the region in the first half of 

the last century. 

Jeers: Patio bar not open when we visited, causing our alcoholic 

selves to attempt actual conversation while waiting the few extra 

seconds it took to get more drinks. While outdoor seating is eclectic, 

it would be nice if the seats were dried before you sat down. 

Jukebox filled with great tunes taunts us with its inoperability. 

Address: 520 Niagara Street 

Phone:856-3309 

Century Grill 

$ 

Cheers: Man, are we relieved. We thought we’d have to suck up to 

this new advertiser and lie about how great the place is, but it turns 

out to be legitimately great. The Century Grill is, to begin with, an 

awesome space—huge and old, with giant beams and brickwork (the 

place was actually built by freemasons). They have a great selection 

of beers, including local brews—try the oatmeal stout, it’s amazing. 

But the real story is the top notch menu, with not one item that doesn’t 

sound absolutely delicious. Though the salads look good, it’s 

mainly carnivorous fare—the “Century Burger,” a half-pound of 

ground beef on a bologna steak with cheddar, Swiss, provolone & 

bacon, sounds like something you could go to hell for eating, but 

might be worth it. Great sandwiches are only $6.50 for lunch—screw 

the Mainplace Mall food court already. The filet mignon dinner special 

was fucking great, as well as the garlic mashed potatoes. The fish 

fry is worth the cardiovascular hit—and it’s available every day! 

Apparently, this place gets pretty raucous on the weekends, especially 

when there’s a fight on TV. A really great place to eat, especially 

when you’re hungry. 

Jeers: Jeers: Waitress brought the wrong appetizer—but, to be fair, 

the shrimp quesadilla was damn good anyway. Cole slaw was a little 

weird. We could barely move after eating all that food and drinking 

numerous oatmeal stouts, which would have been a decent lunch by 

themselves. No lunch Saturday and Sunday. 

Address: 320 Pearl Street 

Phone: 853-6322 

Asian 

Ichi Shogun 

NEW!! 

$$$ 

Cheers: God Damn it's good. Wanna melt those panties right off 

your date? Sit down with eight of your chums and get ready for 

some crazy-ass Iron Chef-style deliciousness. Beast reviewers 

charmed by Morimoto look-alike chef. He actually said "sesame 

disco" as crazy strobe lights came on. Then the egg catching began: 

this guy started spinning eggs for the fried rice on the grill, tossed 

'em around like a Jujitsu king and then caught them on the edge of 

his spatula, crackin' those baby chickens onto the grill. Nice. The 

sushi list was long and diverse, a nice counterpoint to the Hibachi 

meats we ordered. Get the Emperor's feast with steak and lobster if 

you want to be a real man. 

Jeers: High sitting-next-to-teens-from-Lockport factor; for a 

minute we thought we were at a Chucky Cheese birthday party. Fried 

rice debris occasionally blasted off grill into our drinks by onion 

volcanoes. Retarded “700 Club” rerun on TV in background. 

Address: 7590 Transit Road, Williamsville 

Phone: 631-8899 

New Manchurian House 

$$ 

Cheers: As the Chinese buffets bloom in the South towns, it’s hard 

to believe this simple, unassuming restaurant has held its ground. 

We know people who speak of the Manchurian House like others 

speak of their alma maters. Located at the busy intersection of 

Routes 62, 75 and 391, the inside is surprisingly quiet and tastefully 

under-decorated. The friendly service is fast and attentive. The 

menu holds all of your favorites (the lemon chicken is ethereal). 

They have plenty of lunch specials and gourmet dinner packages. 

Take-out is available and speedy. 

Jeers: Big picture windows look out upon intersection and Wilson 

farms parking lot, but in the right frame of mind, you can pretend 

it’s a parking lot in Hong Kong. Located in a well-cared-for plaza, it 

is still nondescript, and you may want to blindfold your date ‘til you 

get inside. 

Address: 16 Pierce Avenue, Hamburg 

Phone: 648-7173 

Falafel Bar 

$ 

Cheers: Not the most inventive name, but this place is a worthy 

successor to the location of the original Pano’s and Edrito’s as a 

cheap and tasty chow haven. In addition to pretty great falafel, this 

place has all the usual Mediterranean appetizers and wraps, including 

souvlaki and impressively non-soggy grape leaves. Finish off 

with some authentic baklava if you’ve got the room. We’ve been 

waiting for a place like this; it almost makes up for the loss of Edrito’s 

from the Elmwood strip. 

Jeers: The lady who owns this building is prone to ousting successful 

businesses for unknown reasons, so don’t get too attached. 

Asked for coffee 3 times; never got it. A little sand in the tabouleh 

made for one or two distressing bites, but hey, it happens. 

Address: 1009 Elmwood Ave 

Phone: 884-0444 

India Gate 

$$ 

Cheers: Lamb Madrasi and Chicken Masala tried and approved. 

Service so nice, you’ll feel ashamed to be a cynic; they stayed 

open late just for us. $5.95 lunch buffet special might be the best 

lunch deal of any restaurant on Elmwood. Kick-ass Pakoras, excellent 

curries, about nine thousand varieties of naan. Distribution 

of socialist literature in the doorway hints at hidden, deeply-held 

passions under all that obsequious service. Unlike other Indian 

lunch buffets, theirs includes dessert, including a fantastic kheer 

(rice pudding). Pleasant atmosphere and comfy booth seating.We 

frequently see Sabi playing the role of good citizen, sweeping up 

refuse on the street outside. 

Jeers: Unpopular Ghandi-looking customer seen fasting here on 

weekends. Elmwood street traffic tends to lure too many SUVowner 

types in here. Somehow we think this place would be 

improved by a huge octagonal fishtank. 

Address: 1116 Elmwood Avenue 

Phone: 886-4000 

Indian Clay Oven Restaurant 

$$ 

Cheers: Clay Oven has been serving authentic Indian food for some 

20 years. The current location is a small and well-lit with a homey 

atmosphere. The menu is varied and interesting. The Chicken Curry 

and Beef Vindaloo are delicious and spicy (or mild if you prefer). For 

you meatheads that think veggie food is for pussies try the Vegetable 

Jalaffrazi. It will knock your socks off and make you wonder why 

you’ve wasted so many years clogging your arteries with chunks of 

charred barnyard flesh. Friendly and efficient staff often throw in a 

little somethin-somethin extra to enhance you dining pleasure. 

Excellent Indian beer selection. 

Jeers: Cheesy Bus. Mgt. 101 menu introduction is a hilarious bit of 

tortured Abu English with the topper being their “flagrant” spices. 

Two words to stay away from “homemade cheese.” Near the door there 

is a non-functioning display case and counter behind which they 

seem to throw all their junk. No hard liquor for you serious drunks. 

Address: 3689 Sheridan Drive, Amherst 

Phone: 832-1030 

Mexican 

El Canelo 

NEW!! 

$ 

Cheers: BEAST ALERT! The ONLY authentic Mexican place in town. 

Special "La Casa" dinner was so good we almost shit ourselves, and 

not in the bad Mexican restaurant way. Menu absolutely jam-packed 

with all kinds of down-home Yucatan yummies, including cheese 

enchiladas with actual Mexican cheeses and smothered with stewed 

beef tips. Salsa tasted like a kiss from a beautiful Spanish mamasita. 

$2 Molson bottles every night. Crazy cooks spew food orders 

out in about 5 minutes max. Fun to watch giant boobies and zany 

antics from Telemundo shows on TV in corner. Right by the Thruway. 

Bottles of hot sauce make Dave's Insanity seem like baby food. 

Jeers: Not open 24 hours. Lots of complaining trash from Kaisertown 

eating here. If you fear authentic experiences, go get a super 

mighty and hurry home before someone talks to you. 

Address: 431 Dingens St. (Ogden St. Exit 53), Cheektowaga 

Phone: 897-1195 

Coyote Cafe 

$$ 

Cheers: When this restaurant first popped up, it was a simple 

eatery that made its reputation on great authentic Mexican food. 

In recent years, it has expanded to include a bar, which has 

expanded itself. After annexing the vacant building next door, the 

Coyote Cafe will soon be in the banquet business. For all this attention 

to expansion, one might expect the food to suffer. It hasn’t. A 

favorite is the flautas: chicken, cheese and spices rolled in tortillas, 

fried crisp and served with lettuce and tomato, sour cream and guacamole. 

If your entree gets two sides, you can double up on the 

house specialty, Sopa de Fideo, billed as “Mexican spaghetti.” No 

problemo. Lots of free chips and salsa to ensure you take half your 

meal home in a box. Lines out the door most evenings, so reservations 

will shave an hour off your wait time. 

Jeers: While we’re tempted to use the words “obnoxious,” “irritating,” 

and “insane,” we will instead refer to the hostess as “brassy,” 

because a lot of people like being cackled at while they eat. Decorations 

are getting a little bit “Chi Chi’s”, and I’m not sure why this 

place has a gift shop by the front door, while the bar, “Carlos’ Cantina,” 

languishes in the rear behind a wall. 

Address: 36 Main Street, Hamburg 

Phone: 649-1837 

Pizza etc. 

Jim’s Steakout 

$$ 

Cheers: Unlike other lame-ass greasebucket joints like Mister Pizza, 

if the Jim’s Steakout open sign is lit- it’s open! Jim’s for the late 

night party crowd is like death and taxes, something you can count 

on. Its open until 5am, for God’s sake (and yours!). Many a night 

have we closed the bar and stumbled into a nearby location to be 

delighted by the smell of food, the look of desperate anticipation in 

the eyes of people holding their receipts, and of course the wellmaintained 

asses of late night party girls. Sure it’s packed, but where 

else are you gonna go? 

Jeers: Why isn’t Jim’s Steakout advertising in The Beast? Where is 

the love? And why are their ads so goddamn bad? The television 

commercials are even worse than their print ads; have you seen this 

shit? Lots of grainy, shaky and blurred footage of dilapidated hoagies, 

fries, neon signs and questionably hot chicks run over a track of ‘80s 

style break beats. Talk about low production values; they seem to 

have been conceived by a film student’s stool sample. This reviewer’s 

heart would be significantly softened by cash. 

Address: Wherever drunks need tacos to drive home with 

Phone: There’s 4 of them; look it up or ask a local fatty 

Louie’s 

$ 

Cheers: Louie’s delivers. It’s not pizza, and it’s not Chinese, and it 

delivers. That alone makes them a great boon to the homebody in 

search of variety. Milkshakes, curly-q fries, burgers, dogs, and 

sausage sandwiches delivered? Thank you. Broccoli-cheddar poppers 

make us happy. Sweet potato fries are more like a dessert than 

a side. “Healthy” selections abound, like the portabella sandwich, 

grilled chicken, and a tempeh burger which is really pretty good. All 

in all, a great place to get food you know you’ll like. 

Jeers: BBQ pork rib sandwich is of identical quality to those awful 

“McRib”-style truck stop sandwiches. Breaded deepfried zucchini 

sticks with Ranch dressing must be the single most unhealthy way 

to eat vegetables yet devised—plus they’re mushy. 

Address: 470 Elmwood Ave 

Phone: 884-0382 

Avenue Pizza 

$$ 

Cheers: Easily memorized phone number. 

Jeers: Ordered pizza from this place late one night a couple of 

weeks ago at the office, because La Nova burned down (we hope 

they made a lot of money), and it was tragically undercooked and 

mushy. Like idiots, we ordered from them again the next night, and 

paid dearly: the subs were just crappy, old and smelly, but edible. 

The wings, on the other hand, tasted like they’d been basted in piss. 

Seriously, we all tried to eat them, but after a couple each we were 

just looking at each other like, “what’s wrong with these fucking 

wings?” Maybe they were rancid, maybe undercooked, or maybe the 

piss thing we mentioned earlier, but it was just wrong. Probably the 

only food ever to get thrown out at the Beast office. And they forgot 

our Coke. Last time we get from this hole; now if only we could 

forget the damn phone number. Also largely responsible for the 

double-parking nightmare on Elmwood and Utica. Note: this review 

only applies to their Elmwood location; we got a really good pie 

from the place on Hertel and Delaware the other day and the delivery 

guy was a peach. 

Address: 502 Elmwood Ave. 

Phone: 883-3355 

Bruno’s Market Pizzeria 

NEW!! 

$ 

Cheers: After long-time casual favorite Giacobbi's Trattoria committed 

hare kiri by transforming into the eccentric Eggertsville 

Grille, a solid replacement turned up across the street. Bruno's has 

quality pizza and pasta, served in a small but clean and bright dining 

area. The pizza is every bit as good as the over-priced La Nova 

fare. Specialty choices include a killer stuffed pepper pizza. They 

serve a good assortment of pasta dishes and appetizers that are 

primo and ample. Eggplant parmesan and stuffed peppers are two 

BEAST favorites. 

Jeers: By default a take-out joint because they don't serve alcohol. 

Desserts seem kind of an afterthought. They have an ice-cream bar 

freezer near the door that shamelessly preys on the underdeveloped 

impulse control facility of children, including our publisher’s son. 

Address: 1274 Eggert Rd. 

Phone: 833-6800 


CHEAP! 

ANNOUNCEMENTS 

You should take out a classified 

ad in The Beast! 

Allow 5 minutes to cool 

before serving 

I don’t care that it’s “your 

jam,” if you tell me to “Lean 

back” one more time, so 

help me, I will destroy you. 

Naming your plant Frodo 

isn’t cute; it’s sad, very sad. 

From talking with you, I 

don’t think you know what 

perineum actually means 

$ Cash Paid $ 

For pre-1980 

baseball cards 

& sports 

memorabilia of 

any kind. 

I make house 

calls. Rick 

685-3797 

1999 VW Passat Wagon, 

107k 5spd, ABS, A/C, 

Power everything, New rear 

brake pads and rotors, new 

front upper control arms. 4 

snow tires $6500obo 430- 

7172 

88 Dodge Ram w/ Cap 

Runs great! $900/BO Josh 

Brown 465-8566 

ADULT V.H.S. AND 

D.V.D. FOR SALE $5.00 

EACH. FOR LIST WRITE 

TO: JEFFREY ZANDROW- 

ICZ 32 VILLAGE VIEW 

LANCASTER, N.Y. 14086 

OR E-MAIL ME at 

jmmrz@hotmail.com 

Gemini PT100 Turn Table. 

Works perfectly! $175/BO 

Josh Brown 465-8566 

Indonesian beach front 

property. Capitalize on the 

disastrous tsunami today! 

832-8100 

Tanning Bed For Sale: 4 

yrs. Old Sun Quest stand-up 

or lay down. New bulbs. 

$700/bo. Tony 563-3799 

HAVE CRAP TO SELL? 

CALL 856-4355 


Classifieds 

FOR SALE 

ACROSS 

1. Business, credit, and index, e.g. 

6. NES video game RC _____-Am 

9. Mr. Five Freddy 

12. “Surreal Life 3” Spanish annoyance 

13. Holm or McClellan 

14. The only bar lawyers won’t drink at? 

15. Ookla The Mok singer/guitarist English 

16. Deep Fried’s psycho whaler 

18. Goethe’s alchemist, or Mondo’s owner 

20. What your wife gets of everything in the divorce, if you’re 

lucky 

21. A hand ball? 

24. Source of peyote 

26. Mary or Raggedy 

27. A small amount 

28. Sex, hyper or that thing you try doing while intoxicated, e.g. 

31. Kick-ass tattoo shop Madd _____ 

33. Takes away forcefully 

34. “No, don’t guzzle it, ____ ____! This ain’t Jim Beam, motherfucker, 

it’s single malt Glenlivet!” 

35. Ultra-rare Pokemon (from the Game Boy “Red” & “Blue” editions) 

36. The one who “wears the pants” in a gay relationship, which all 

things considered is probably the least appropriate metaphor for 

this word 

37. Whipping it out in front of an undercover cop is one of these 

39. Common chat-room request of an amorous 55-Across 

40. Shakespearean expression of tragedy 

42. Consumed, and being turned into poop 

44. The act of having sex with a 21-Across 

46. Money shot, to Li’l Jon 

50. Numbered road (abbr.) 

51. Utilize 

52. Astral or bi 

53. Green Lantern Corps home planet 

54. “The Beauty Of The Rain” chick Williams 

55. People who got 35, 39, & 53-Across without looking 

PORN: 22 DVDs, 46 mags. 

$65 /BO. Pat 884-3923 

MISC SERVICES 

REVENGE FOR HIRE 

Fired? Evicted? Dumped? 

Cheated on? Feel like your 

hands are tied? Want to 

get even? We can help. 

COVERTSNEAKYGUYS.COM 

Will do anything for crack. 

832-8100 

EMPLOYMENT 

Body Piercers Wanted: 

Stop in at Adrenalin Rush 

3283 Delaware Ave, Kenmore. 

Must have experience. 

1yr. Apprenticeships 

avail for $1,500. 563-3799 

Hair Design Artist Wanted: 

Must have experience & following. 

Chair rental also 

avail. $200/mo. Stop in at 

7th Ray Salon & Spa 3283 

Delaware Ave, Kenmore. 

563-3799 

Nail Tech Wanted: Space 

for rent $150/mo. for busy 

salon, must have following. 

563-3799. 7th Ray Salon & 

Spa 3283 Delaware Ave, 

Kenmore. 

DOWN 

1. Measures medication or motorcycle power 

2. Band responsible for “Take On Me” 

3. ‘80s expression of awesomeness 

4. Republican solution to a military personnel problem 

5. “Brave New World” mood-altering drug 

6. Not at all happy 

7. Goes off verbally, in the style of a pre-brainwashed Dennis 

Miller 

8. Blamed for Lennon quitting the band 

9. People who think they’re powerless to change anything 

10. Cain’s brother 

11. John Candy character, or your dinner after a night at the 

Old Pink 

17. 1992 cartoon starring a green space rabbit: “Bucky 

______” (another one for the 55-Across crowd...) 

19. Crappy computer scanner brand 

21. British cigarettes 

22. Sign over Christ’s head on the crucifix 

23. Recently defunct Buffalo-based hardcore band 

25. Reusable type of computer disc 

27. Type of South American monkey 

29. AV-8 Sea Harrier jets don’t need runways because they 

have this 

30. The ability to read minds 

32. Comic book company who did “Grimjack” and “Nexus” 

(55-Across, I’m looking in your direction...) 

33. Land of the setting sun? 

35. Deficient, as in an amount or an effort 

38. Organization full of 55-Across 

39. Where the foot meets the leg 

40. Big, round hairdo 

41. Kane’s wife, in the WWE 

43. 30-Down’s favorite channel? 

45. Birth control implant 

47. Care to lend one to Caesar? 

48. Terminus 

49. The power through which the Tao is made manifest, but 

pluralized because I felt like it... You don’t like it, make your 

own puzzle 

Now hiring incompetent 

morons. Must have own 

press-on nails and weave. 

Apply at any area Wilson 

Farms 

Tattoo Artist Wanted: 

Must have experience. 1yr. 

Apprenticeships avail for 

$3,500. Stop in at Adrenalin 

Rush 3283 Delaware Ave, 

Kenmore. 563-3799 Bring 

your portfolio! 

LOST & FOUND 

LOST: This thing. Call 832- 

8100 if you have any information 

ANONYMOUS 

CONFESSIONS 

You know how I’m always 

talking about the trip I took 

to Zambia and how much it 

changed my life-well, I actually 

never went. I just saw 

something about it on the 

Discovery channel. 

Nice SWMSS, young, tall 

homeowner in Kenmore. 

Looking for live-in SWF to 

share expenses. Maybe 

more. 400-2055 

Solution on page 20 

$22..0000 aa lliinnee 

W ANTED 

The Beast is looking 

for new digs. If you 

have a space that can 

accommodate around 

the clock hedonism 

and debauchery, then 

we’re your new tenant. 

Call 856-4355. 

Smoking & loud 

music a must 

PERSONALS 

White male 51y/o, 5’ 9” 

slim. Desires female company 

and enjoys art, music, 

sports & exercising. Age 

unimportant. Call Michael 

@ 895-4406 

885566-- 44335555 // ccllaassssiiffiieeddss@@bbuuffffaalloobbeeaasstt..ccoomm 

ADULT SERVICES 

ASIAN PARADISE 

5’6” 110lb 34C Long Hair 

Brown eyes. 22 yrs old. 

In/Out . 818-7396 

BUSTY BLONDE 

Other girls to choose from, in 

or out 990-3435 

DREAMS DO COME TRUE 

Guaranteed!! 5’1”, 95#, 32b- 

23-32, 19yo 602-9809 outcalls 

EROTIC REDHEAD 

OUT-CALL ONLY. 

465-1410 

Free Mustache rides. 

Females only! Ask for The 

Tiger. 883-7636 

GAY & BI MASSAGES 

For men. In & out. Properly 

licensed. $50/hour. By 

Samuel 881-5055 

JACKIE BROWN’S STAG 

SERVICE Experienced 

exotic dancers. Cheap rates. 

Phone (716) 563-5944 

PLACE YOUR ADULT 

ADVERTISEMENT IN 

THE BEAST CLASSIFIEDS 

AND RECEIVE 2 FOR THE 

PRICE OF ONE. 

WE ARE 

EXCEPTING TRADE 

For questions, corrections, or clue suggestions, e-mail Zilla at zmannzilla@juno.com

SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE 

To whom it may concern: 

I would like to present you with an idea for your newspaper. 

I though of a great addition you can add that you can 

also put on the website to get more popular. What do you 

think about a ‘Dear Abby’ section? You can get your customers 

to email to ‘Dear Abby’ any concerns they have and 

need some advise on, questions they may need answers to, 

needing advise on family or love life or to just vent. This 

was VERY popular in PA where I lived at before and gain 

alot of new customers that looked forward to ‘Dear Abby’ 

to not only see their answers but others to see what all was 

written to and from Abby. 

If you would be interested in it, please contact me and we 

can go over details about it. Also, I can be contracted so I 

would not have to be an employee if that works better. 

Thank you and hope to hear from you. 

Denise Johnson...Ticonderoga, NY 

Dear Denise, 

Keep hoping. 

WE TOOK ONE 

WEEK OFF, PEOPLE 

hey - did the beast fold? this would be horrible horrible 

news. i need a new issue like a junky needs a fix... –josh 

Dear Josh, 

Well, junky? You know what to do. On your knees, bitch! 

BONE JONES 

As a loyal reader for a long time, I would have to say that I 

am a little disconcerted with the fact that I can’t find a new 

issue of the beast anywhere. I can only assume that something 

serious has happened (assasination, indefinate vacation 

at Gitmo, etc.) I’m sure that you are receiving plenty of 

e-mails and calls from paranoid readers, such as myself, 

fearing the worst. So is this the end of the only paper worth 

killing trees for in this city? A response would be nice, or 

hell, update the website. Throw us a bone Al. We are starving 

out here. 

Jeremy Bartlett 

Dear Jeremy, 

Consider yourself boned. At least you people are paying 

attention. Now somebody give us some money. 

HEY TEACHER, LEAVE 

THEM KIDS ALONE 

To the editor of The Beast: 

Joel Miller’s position (Dec. 22, 2004), though well meant, is 

misguided. Protecting the Constitution is a far more important 

goal than protecting children at school. This should be 

clear to more than just journalists fighting for their own 

rights under the first amendment. 

Unfortunately, once again, we see school administrators 

take the cowardly way out. The way that does the most 

they can do to protect their careers and their standing in the 

community. By censoring young minds, you lose those 

young minds. Instead of teaching the need to speak up 

against hate (crimes and speech of all kinds), you teach the 

dubious values of hypocrisy and self-promotion. Bright 

kids can smell bullshit a mile away and City Honors is full 

of bright kids. 

It takes courage to teach—courage not to bow down to 

power while standing for truth. Teaching children not to 

bow down to outside authority while seeking truth is perhaps 

the most important mission an educator can aspire to. 

This goes beyond protecting our Constitution; this gives 

birth to new generations capable of writing their own new 

constitutions. The possibility of hated-filled actions being 

inspired by inflammatory writings in a student-published 

newspaper pales in comparison to the reality of the potential 

that is lost when censorship is brought to bear through 

misapplication of power in the hands of hypocrites. 

Let us now bring to light the actions of these administrators. 

Let’s understand the valuable lesson that was tossed aside 

in their rush to cover their own asses. Bad writing—full of 

excessive emotion, overwrought ideas—is to be expected of 

the young person searching to find his of her voice. Bad 

leadership—full of cowardice and power mongering— 

should not be allowed to flourish in anyone’s schools. 

Richard Schultz 

Dear Richard, 

Why is it that the only time we get lengthy, coherent arguments 

from people is when we cover a controversy at a 

high school? 

SPELLED “NIETZSCHE’S” RIGHT 

On a lark, we drove from Rochester to Buffalo this Saturday 

night just “to hit a couple of bars.” I’ve never really been to 

Buffalo in all these years, just around it or through it to get 

somewhere else. We went to Nietzsche’s and in a nearby 

restaurant I picked up your paper. 

I find your journalistic style a refreshing departure from the 

standard. I agree with tears in my eyes that Meet the Family 

was pathetic, a collection of overused ideas and actors 

that, if it didn’t leave you feeling empty, you already were 

fax to[sic] 852-4034 

empty. I’m working my way through the Loathsome Americans. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson said something to the effect that successful 

art is a thing that presents to the viewer/reader 

something he already knows but only subconsciously until 

seeing/reading it in the open - in the work of art. 

That’s how I felt when I started reading The Beast. I actually 

once started to write a piece along the lines of “1 beautiful 

white child...”, but put it aside because I wasn’t sure 

where I was going or why... 

And, being in the media business as I am, I have to imagine 

it’s fairly tough selling advertising for a publication like The 

Beast. 

I’d like to at least buy you coffee. How do I subscribe, by 

check, not credit card? 

Rich Gardner 

Dear Rich, 

It’s usually $26 for six months, but since you write for 

Rochester’s City Paper, we’re going to have to charge you 

double. 

GET HER DRUNK, STUPID 

“Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it’s 

at a “ghetto” themed house party. Only available in 22 and 

40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?).” 

Never say never I guess. I garnered new found respect 

(why I don’t know) from a charter bus full of fellow college 

classmates on a trip to Chicago when I returned from a 

party store in Northern Indiana carrying a 6 pack of Colt 45! 

Not the wisest of choices I admit, but having never seen this 

swill in a can (I am surprised that the aluminum can could 

actually take the abuse and resist rusting away) I became 

immediately intrigued and of course had to have it. The 

strangest thing was that everyone seemed to want one. I 

was getting offers left and right asking if they could trade 

‘up’ for the Colt 45. Against my better judgment I only 

traded one away and drank the rest. Needless to say it 

made the rest of the bus ride interesting and seemed to 

‘raise my status’ with my fellow binge drinkers. 

Just thought you might want to know… 

Butters 

sic@buffalobeast.com 

Butters, 

Come to think of it, we remember those old Billy Dee 

Williams commercials where he was backing into his apartment 

with some fine chocolate honey inside, grinning from 

ear to ear, always holding a sixer of Colt 45. “Works every 

time,” he’d say, just before closing the door. Creepy. 

GOING COASTAL 

Picked up a Beast on my bi-yearly pilgramage to the Buff to 

see my family. I currently live in Northern California. Oh, 

sure, we have our share of indy-politico rags here, but nothing 

nearly as edgy or funny. I must say, “Christmas in hell!” 

really warmed my heart and filled me with the holiday spirit. 

How can I get a sub to your fine publication? BTW, Tell 

Dr. Rotten his work is needed here. 

Sean Re 

Dear Sean, 

Right. The Pacific Northwest needs advice on growing bud. 

Next thing you know, the Afghans will be asking us for tips 

on opium poppy horticulture. 

BLEDSORE 

If Ronnie were any DUMBER...he would be drafted by Bills 

fans to write for their dumbass newspapers! The Bills need 

2 things to have a GREAT Team: 1) A BIG CENTER, 2) a third 

RECEIVER to play in the slot! STONEHANDS Reed just isn’t 

making it....he’s good enough to add depth! Bledsoe is by far 

the BEST player on the team! If you IDIOTS don’t “GET IT”, 

maybe Drew will say “FUCK BUFFALO! (the asshole of the 

Earth)” You guys will be back in Quarterback HELL where 

you belong! I’d laugh my ass off if LOSSMAN were your 

STARTER next season! Well until he broke his legs again! 

Jrcad 

Dear Drew, 

We’re sorry Ronnie hurt your feelings. We know you’re 

getting to that age when great quarterbacks with nothing to 

prove decide to retire, but you’re planning on clinging to 

what you have left. We can’t argue; it’s what we would do 

if we were being paid millions, too. But please, that’s no 

reason to lash out at your fellow teammates. Take it easy 

Drew, you’re a good guy—it’s not like we expected you to 

win. 

FAINTING WITH DAMN PRAISE 

Just got the new issue. Laughed out loud like an idiot the 

whole bus ride home from work. Still haven’t worked my 

way through the whole thing. Some bits I carry with me: 

Switched at Birth (my wife is still a bit speechless....but in a 

good way); Slappy the Tsunami; The entire “Loathsome 

List”, but #3 is best. 

Missed the “Straight Dope,” though. 

Great paper, 

Jeff 

PS: What was the deal with the Christine Skinner letter? It 

was like it was written on a meth binge. 

Jeff, 

What do you mean, “like?” 

CHEQUE YOURSELF 

Mr. Uthman, 

I found your magazine online through a link to your ‘50 

Most Loathsome People’ article. Great stuff. However, as a 

Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in 

your otherwise insightful ‘O Buffalo’ article: 

1) “Liberal” is a noun, not an adjective 

2) Ontarians hate french; try the “Beau Fleuve” thing and 

we’ll sell you to Quebec for an order of poutine 

3) Fuck the Sabres, we want the Bills 

4) Not even Canadians listen to Celine Dion 

Sorry, 

Adam Louis 

Dear Adam, 

1) Words can be nouns and adjectives, silly 

2) OK, how about “Hortonsville?” 

3) You can have ‘em 

4) Someone’s buying that shit, and it ain’t us. 

LOATHSOME LOVE 

... incredible, enviable job on 50 Most Loathsome People in 

America 2004. i could go on for a bit, but i’ll just be a sycophant 

& say it was more than inspiring. 

basically, i’ll be drinking to The Buffalo Beast & its future 

tonight. 

thanks very much, 

Shawn Badgley 

The Austin Chronicle 

If I’ve seen a better collection of entertaining writing that 

makes think and laugh...I’m not aware of it. 

Outstanding!! 

Tom Wark 

Hello! Found the article on Blogdex. The most 

incisive and brilliant thing I’ve read in memory !!! Give that 

author a raise, better yet, get him a national audience. Congratulations! 

Best regards, 

Thomas Griffin, Indianapolis 

My god, that is some of the funniest stuff I have EVER 

read. BRILLIANT!!! 

James Driscoll, Los Angeles 

Just stumbled on your website via a semi-improbable link 

at TwoBillsDrive. Read the 50 most loathsome list out loud 

to my wife, delighting in the scathing wordsmith(s?) at 

work here — funny as hell, as well as deeply disturbing. 

We are all, indeed, soaking in it — well done 

Nicholas Bakay 

That was awesome. Time to stop soaking in it. 

Thanks for the list. 

Susan Hyssen 

Hi, 

I just came across your site today, and I haven’t stopped 

laughing since then. Haven’t been so entertained in a long 

time. It’s sad, though, that there’s a truth and reality behind 

all your observations, that “evil-doers” (borrowed Bush 

saying) like those in power just get away with the utter 

nonsense they spew out every day. 

Anyway, keep up the amazing writing, and I’m going to let 

al my mates know about your site (knowing my luck they 

already do). 

Cheers from Scotland. 

Saleem 

Priceless. Beautiful, articulate, poignant. I’ll shut up now. 

FUCKING AWESOME. 

Eric Ortman 

Well done! 

You’ve heard my soul. I’ve passed it one. 

Excellent piece. 

Mark 

Thank you so much for including Colin Quinn in your 50 

Most Loathsome Americans list. I was flipping through the 

channels one night and stumbled across his show on Comedy 

Central and I couldn’t believe someone gave this guy a 

show. He couldn’t go one sentence without flubbing his 

lines. I mean, it was just painful. I almost felt bad for the 

guy. 

I always figured they let him read the news on SNL because 

someone in the back was laughing at his expense. 

Yet another example of the greatness produced by MTV’s 

Remote Control. 

Manzanino 

hi. brilliant update of the list. one thing you might add - 

justice thomas is 

actually asleep for most oral arguments, according to a 

supreme court reporter 

who recently gave a talk at harvard law. she said she usually 

has a good view 

of the bottom of his chin or the top of his head. 

cheers, 

c 

Dear C, 

We thought he was into oral. Hmmm…bottom of his chin? 

Top of his head? Sounds like your lecturer is doing a little 

arguing of her own, if you know what we mean. (We mean 

oral sex.) 

GLARING OMISSIONS 

wow. awesome work. but where is the rove ? 

Eliza Pelham Randall 

I’m shocked to see that Michael Moore didn’t make your 

list. I think Kerry could have possibly won the election if it 

wasn’t for Moore. 

Other than that, I loved your list. 

Bryce 

I know O’Reilly is not that important, and that he is probably 

a moron (and we should not make fun of morons). But 

I think that it would not be that cruel if you would have 

considered him for a 49th place or so. 

I mean, for the pathetic way he hit on that girl, and for 

telling her shit about his wife and her vibrator… 

Filipe Castro 

College Station, Texas 

Dear insatiable critics, 

All of these worthy candidates (and Paris Hilton, and Rush 

Limbaugh) were on previous lists, if it makes you feel better. 

Guess we just didn’t want to repeat ourselves too much. 

Alas, there are only 50 slots, when there could be 500. 

However, if you write a witty, abrasive critique of your 

nominees and send it to us, we promise to pawn it off as our 

own work next year. 

PICKY-NINNY 

Pick handles? PICK HANDLES? I’m afraid not. Lester Maddox 

never handed out a pick handle in his disgusting puke 

of a life. He handed out ax handles. AX HANDLES. 

See, in the south, they don’t pick. They ax. The ax people 

directions, they ax you if you’re a goddamned commie liberal 

from up north, they ax you once to get the fuck back 

where you belong, then they hand you by your scrotum. 

But they don’t pick because if they did, they’d pick another 

life, one not involving living in the south or being who 

they are. So there. 

Cleveland 

Dear Cleveland, 

Well, actually, it was pick handles. Is there a difference? 

Anyway, we must object: there are a lot of cool, interesting 

people in the south. They’re in New Orleans. 

LOATHSOME HATE 

From your “50 Most Loathsome People” list: 

“You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on 

the internet...” 

You mean like your little whine-rag? 

Perhaps you (whoever actually wrote this little cyber 

tantrum - hard to tell as it doesn’t appear to have a byline) 

can enumerate any substantive change you’ve ever brought 

to bear upon the geo-political system you despise, inasmuch 

as you’re so well-informed and have all this keen 

insight that you deingrate the brainwashed masses for lacking... 

Jacob Marley 

Dear Jacob, 

Awww, did we touch a nerve? Look, we’re sorry we 

described you so accurately, but don’t take that to mean 

that “you” doesn’t include us. If you think that makes us 

hypocrites, it won’t disturb our sleep patterns. Ps. we bitch 

all day in print. 


SUBSCRIBE 

OR DIE! 

subcription@buffalobeast.com 

856-4355

Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

You also want an ePaper? Increase the reach of your titles

Delete template?

Save as template?