10 <strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005
WANNA BET? Pats are Sure Thing BByy RRoonnnniiee RRoossccooee Hello again my faithful followers, it is I, Roscoe the magnificent, here once again to give you the best information in the sporting world. As you have come to understand by reading this column, I know more than anyone in the sports media and I have the only opinion that matters. This week we will focus on the Super Bowl, that unofficial American holiday where everyone lays a wager or two, hoping to cash in. Let me begin by explaining that I cannot possibly help those of you who decide to put your hard-earned money on a square, strictly hoping to win on some sort of chance. Obviously there is no skill required; simply put, if it is your day you win, if not you lose. If you feel the need to attempt to prognosticate the game, I also must give this warning: don’t do it. <strong>The</strong> reason is quite simple—you may think you know football and you may think you know how to bet, but you don’t. That is where I come in, you see I DO know what to do, because I do know football. I understand the game and, quite frankly, I am Roscoe and I am the best. I can only hope I have gotten through that thick skull of yours, and that you comprehend the greatness of my word. I need you, my faithful follower, to read and follow my word, because I want you to be a winner, just like me. <strong>The</strong> Super Bowl matches the reigning champion New England Patriots with the NFC champion Philadelphia Eagles. Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the Patriots are good, and they deserve their standing as favorites in the game. My 10year-old nephew knows Tom Brady is good and that the Pats will win. But the key isn’t just figuring out who will win, it is figuring out who will win and by how many points. This is where Roscoe makes a difference. <strong>The</strong> difference between winning and losing, the difference between making or delaying that February mortgage payment—hell, who are we kidding—the difference between you staying married or getting divorced will likely depend on who you pick and where you lay down your green. Are you the same guy that knew the Bills would kill Pittsburgh the last game of the season? Did you think Peyton Manning would beat New England a couple weeks ago? Yeah, I thought that was you. Stop thinking and just read and listen. I am doing this to keep domestic violence to a minimum on Sunday night. Before we go on there are a few things I would like to discuss—first of all, this is for entertainment purposes only. I do not condone betting, wagering or gambling of any kind. I just understand there are idiots who do nothing but decide they are experts and will call a friend or a bookie and let emotion play a part and make a stupid decision. Let me first give the best tip available—don’t do it. How about putting that $50 or $100 bucks towards the kid’s dentist bill or maybe giving the ‘98 Neon a must deserved oil change and some anti-freeze? Here’s a crazy thought: how about making the child support payments for once. Ok, now that we Brady is famous for his ability to throw a ball have cleared the air, let’s talk about some football!!! <strong>The</strong> early line has the New England Patriots as a six-point favorite. As soon as they finished that ass-whupping of Pittsburgh, the Pats were named favorites. I am here to tell you that the line will move higher and higher. <strong>The</strong> official Roscoe line has the Patriots favored by nine points. Now, my disciples, I am not predicting a Patriot win by nine points; I am just stating that is where the line should be. Why, almighty Roscoe, you ask, why should they be nine-point favorites? As I have stated many times before, that is why I am Roscoe and you are who you are—because I said so, that is why. Don’t ask, just listen and do as I say. Hey if you can get six, or even seven, jump on it because the public loves that little wuss Brady and his robot coach. And more important is the fact that the spread will move. Also, it should be noted, despite the notion that everyone loves and pulls for the underdog, when laying money down more people bet on the favorite. So 6 points on Monday will likely be 7.5 or maybe even 8 come game day. And once the spread becomes two scores, that’s when you morons become easy targets. Remember, the Roscoe line is 9 points. It may actually be higher due to the Eagles star Terrell Owens’ ankle injury. If he is unable to play that does add a point or two. But I know you, and I know once next Sunday hits, you will all get nervous about giving that extra half-point. You will begin to over-think and decide Philly isn’t that bad, they deserve more credit. Carolina kept it close last year. You will tell your buddy, “7.5 is a lot of points, and the Patriots have won 2 Super Bowls but they won by only 3 points each time; the game will be close.” Yada, yada, yada. I can hear you already. “I am sorry, Mr. Landlord, rent will be a little late this month because I thought I knew more than Roscoe.” In the end, the Patriots will prevail, they will cover the spread and Roscoe will be a winner. I know this sounds simple but quite frankly, unlike most games, it is. <strong>The</strong> Patriots have the better defense despite missing a few stars due to injury. <strong>The</strong> biggest difference comes in the coaching staff. <strong>The</strong> Pats and their star-studded staff blow away Philly’s Andy Reid and company. Reid is the most overrated coach in the league today. He choked three times in championship games before this one and if Belichick was coaching Atlanta last week, he would have lost four. Brady is just a tad better than Philly QB Donavan McNabb. McNabb has the ability to score and could make a game of it, but the likelihood is that his coach will make some blunders and hurt his team. Oh, lets not forget, if the officials have a say, the Replaytriots always get the calls. I would love to tell you something really tricky and insightful, but this one is too easy. I know you hate them since they gave us Bledsoe, but if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em. Final score, New England 27; Philadelphia 15. <strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 11
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