Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
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As Divined By Your our Ethereal Guide ...Andrew Gullerstien<br />
Aquarius<br />
(Jan 20-Feb 19)<br />
Y’know Aquarius, I’ve tried being nice<br />
with you and wearing the kid gloves,<br />
because you have no self-esteem and<br />
are a genuinely sad person. Yet every<br />
time I attempt to show you some kindness,<br />
you turn around and stick it up my<br />
ass with relish. Well, the gloves are off,<br />
you manipulative little asshole, and I<br />
don’t want you to be surprised when you<br />
no longer have your shield from reality.<br />
You see Aquarius, the reason you have<br />
no self-esteem is because you are worthless.<br />
It’s just that simple. You’ve spent<br />
your entire life crying publicly and playing<br />
the “poor me” game in order to gain<br />
sympathy just to fuck your sympathizers<br />
as soon as you get a chance. You are a<br />
sad, worthless pile of organic matter and<br />
the world would be a better place if your<br />
parents had made a smarter assessment<br />
of their genetic value. Much like mixing<br />
bleach and ammonia, a combination<br />
from which only nausea and respiratory<br />
arrest come. Fuck you, Aquarius, you’re<br />
on my cosmic shit list now. Hell, even the<br />
stars can’t stay far enough away from<br />
your ick.<br />
Pisces<br />
(Feb 20-March 20)<br />
Well Pisces, no one can say that you didn’t<br />
try. I mean some guys just fantasize<br />
about being able to blow themselves, but<br />
you made it your mission. All those special<br />
workouts and years of Yoga classes<br />
you attended just so that you might be<br />
the one. Yes, the one man that could fully<br />
pleasure himself and live free of the<br />
curse of woman. Hell, your dedication to<br />
this dream alone should have won you a<br />
Nobel Prize. Of course, that would be<br />
rather useless now that you’re in traction<br />
and the doctors have given you very little<br />
hope that your neck vertebrae will<br />
ever heal. Please, Pisces, don’t let the<br />
dream die. You may one day walk again;<br />
you may one day live your dream. Unless<br />
of course you get a bed sore, those<br />
damn things will kill you. Just ask Superman.<br />
Aries<br />
(March21-April 20)<br />
Aires, for a hardcore lesbian you seemed<br />
rather interested in some dick. Not that<br />
it’s a bad thing, it’s just changes the<br />
whole dynamic that we’ve been operating<br />
under. <strong>The</strong> whole thing is just kind of<br />
weird and calls for a new set of guidelines<br />
to be established. It’s sort of like<br />
discovering a new planet and not being<br />
sure if the native species are harmless<br />
Fraggles or those damned Ewoks. Yeah,<br />
I know what you’re gonna say about the<br />
Ewoks but those fuckers were going to<br />
eat Han, Luke and Chewbacca. <strong>People</strong><br />
like to forget that part. So, like I said, it’s<br />
not a bad thing just weird and potentially<br />
cannibalistic.<br />
…Fucking Ewoks.<br />
Taurus<br />
(April 20-May 20)<br />
Taurus, let me make this quick: You’re an<br />
asshole. Just so we’re clean on this.<br />
You’re an asshole. I simply don’t want<br />
there to be any confusion on the subject,<br />
you’re an asshole and that all there is to<br />
it Taurus. But you should know this,<br />
being the asshole that you are. Not much<br />
else to say, asshole; I have to move on to<br />
more worthwhile people.<br />
Gemini<br />
(May 21 –June 20)<br />
Gemini, you know that light switch in<br />
your front hall that doesn’t seem to be<br />
connected to anything and every time<br />
you walk by you flick it about a dozen<br />
times? Well, you should stop that<br />
because there is a dude in Finland who is<br />
going to hop on a plane and kick the shit<br />
out of you. Believe me, sleep depravation<br />
can do that to you, and it takes a lot to<br />
piss of a Fin. Just because the switch<br />
doesn’t do anything for you doesn’t<br />
mean it doesn’t do anything. You might<br />
think it’s fun but that poor bastard’s<br />
house looks like a Poltergeist frat house<br />
every time you can’t control your urges.<br />
Have a heart Gemini, enough foreigners<br />
hate us without adding Finland to the list.<br />
Cancer<br />
(June 21-July 22)<br />
Cancer, the stars have told me your<br />
lucky number and said that it can change<br />
your life for the better if used properly.<br />
<strong>The</strong> number is “Zadnpf.” Apparently it<br />
exists between fourteen and fifteen and<br />
hasn’t been discovered by mathematicians<br />
as of yet. <strong>The</strong> stars also mentioned<br />
that it wouldn’t be discovered for about<br />
three hundred years. So you’re kinda<br />
fucked on this one Cancer. Have you<br />
considered investing in Cryogenics?<br />
Leo<br />
(July 23-Aug. 22)<br />
Leo, what can I say? You were right, the<br />
dumb ass was going to break his neck if<br />
he tried blowing himself. You should give<br />
him props because the paramedics told<br />
me that he actually did get it in his mouth<br />
just seconds before his neck broke.<br />
Basically, what I am saying is that I’m not<br />
really sure if I owe you the $25 because<br />
he technically was blowing himself<br />
before his spine snapped and the wording<br />
of the bet was that he would break<br />
his neck if he “tried” to blow himself. We<br />
can talk about it later. If you go to visit<br />
Pisces, just be sure to give him the “keep<br />
dreaming the dream” shit. It helps take<br />
his mind of being a cripple.<br />
Virgo<br />
(Aug 23-Sept 22)<br />
Virgo, it takes a man with gigantic balls<br />
and a heart of stone to drink another<br />
man’s chocolate milk. Did you even think<br />
about what you were doing? Perhaps<br />
you just opened the fridge and said,<br />
“Hey, there’s some delicious chocolate<br />
milk, nobody could be saving that.” I<br />
hope you enjoyed every last drop of it<br />
before you buried the evidence in the<br />
garbage can like a dead hooker. All the<br />
while the true victim lay in his bed with<br />
dreams of sailing upon calm milk chocolate<br />
seas in search of chocolate chunk<br />
islands, only to wake to the ugly sting of<br />
betrayal. One day you’ll pay for your<br />
treachery, Virgo, for the Devil will have<br />
his due.<br />
Libra<br />
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)<br />
Libra, because you are a pain in the ass,<br />
the Cosmos and I are in agreement that<br />
from now on people should refer to their<br />
hemorrhoids only as “Libra” and do<br />
away with calling them hemorrhoids.<br />
That’s all I have for you Libra; now go<br />
play on some train tracks.<br />
Scorpio<br />
(Oct 23-Nov 21)<br />
Scorpio, I know you’ve been<br />
wondering what would happen if you<br />
asked out that really hot chick at the coffee<br />
shop. Well, I conferred with the stars<br />
and have your answer. She would say<br />
“no,” and you would be emotionally<br />
crushed. <strong>The</strong>n you would start parking<br />
outside the coffee shop every night just<br />
to stare at her through the window.<br />
Shortly after that you would begin to follow<br />
her home and park near her house<br />
until you saw all the lights go out. This<br />
would continue until you became<br />
increasingly bold. I really don’t need to<br />
finish this Scorpio; just accept that asking<br />
her out is not a good idea. As for the<br />
girl at the deli? Well I have a feeling that<br />
her club foot will dance it’s way into your<br />
heart. Well, maybe it won’t dance.<br />
Sagittarius<br />
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)<br />
Sagittarius my sweet, if you’re going to<br />
walk around naked in front of your windows<br />
with the curtains open, then please<br />
have the decency to stick to a set schedule.<br />
I’ve wasted three sick days this week<br />
and it’s gotten to the point where I am<br />
losing sleep trying to lock down the pattern,<br />
but you simply refuse to cooperate.<br />
How else am I going to know when to<br />
have the camera set up or my friends<br />
over? Have some decency, Sagittarius,<br />
because I really love tits.<br />
Capricorn<br />
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)<br />
Capricorn what the hell are you bitching<br />
about? You’re the one that took the shitty<br />
job to begin with because you didn’t<br />
“feel challenged” or some bullshit along<br />
those lines. Why don’t you just be honest<br />
and say that you wanted to bring<br />
home more money than the pittance you<br />
were bringing home before. Hell, Capricorn,<br />
it’s a capitalist society and you<br />
were just doing what comes natural. You<br />
could not have possibly known what a<br />
total fucking tool your boss was. I mean,<br />
he seemed like a normal guy at the time,<br />
beyond the fact that he had the personality<br />
of an unseasoned crouton. You had<br />
no way of knowing he wore powdered<br />
wigs, and spoke in an English accent<br />
during private “pants optional” meetings.<br />
Sure he makes you mad and often<br />
treats you like shit in front of the entire<br />
staff, but you have something he doesn’t,<br />
Capricorn. You have a video of him<br />
perched naked on the conference table<br />
while shitting on the Founder’s portrait<br />
and screaming, “This is my Mission<br />
Statement!” Now Capricorn, just give it a<br />
second and it will come…Let’s see some<br />
capitalism.<br />
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<strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 19