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Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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As Divined By Your our Ethereal Guide ...Andrew Gullerstien<br />

Aquarius<br />

(Jan 20-Feb 19)<br />

Y’know Aquarius, I’ve tried being nice<br />

with you and wearing the kid gloves,<br />

because you have no self-esteem and<br />

are a genuinely sad person. Yet every<br />

time I attempt to show you some kindness,<br />

you turn around and stick it up my<br />

ass with relish. Well, the gloves are off,<br />

you manipulative little asshole, and I<br />

don’t want you to be surprised when you<br />

no longer have your shield from reality.<br />

You see Aquarius, the reason you have<br />

no self-esteem is because you are worthless.<br />

It’s just that simple. You’ve spent<br />

your entire life crying publicly and playing<br />

the “poor me” game in order to gain<br />

sympathy just to fuck your sympathizers<br />

as soon as you get a chance. You are a<br />

sad, worthless pile of organic matter and<br />

the world would be a better place if your<br />

parents had made a smarter assessment<br />

of their genetic value. Much like mixing<br />

bleach and ammonia, a combination<br />

from which only nausea and respiratory<br />

arrest come. Fuck you, Aquarius, you’re<br />

on my cosmic shit list now. Hell, even the<br />

stars can’t stay far enough away from<br />

your ick.<br />

Pisces<br />

(Feb 20-March 20)<br />

Well Pisces, no one can say that you didn’t<br />

try. I mean some guys just fantasize<br />

about being able to blow themselves, but<br />

you made it your mission. All those special<br />

workouts and years of Yoga classes<br />

you attended just so that you might be<br />

the one. Yes, the one man that could fully<br />

pleasure himself and live free of the<br />

curse of woman. Hell, your dedication to<br />

this dream alone should have won you a<br />

Nobel Prize. Of course, that would be<br />

rather useless now that you’re in traction<br />

and the doctors have given you very little<br />

hope that your neck vertebrae will<br />

ever heal. Please, Pisces, don’t let the<br />

dream die. You may one day walk again;<br />

you may one day live your dream. Unless<br />

of course you get a bed sore, those<br />

damn things will kill you. Just ask Superman.<br />

Aries<br />

(March21-April 20)<br />

Aires, for a hardcore lesbian you seemed<br />

rather interested in some dick. Not that<br />

it’s a bad thing, it’s just changes the<br />

whole dynamic that we’ve been operating<br />

under. <strong>The</strong> whole thing is just kind of<br />

weird and calls for a new set of guidelines<br />

to be established. It’s sort of like<br />

discovering a new planet and not being<br />

sure if the native species are harmless<br />

Fraggles or those damned Ewoks. Yeah,<br />

I know what you’re gonna say about the<br />

Ewoks but those fuckers were going to<br />

eat Han, Luke and Chewbacca. <strong>People</strong><br />

like to forget that part. So, like I said, it’s<br />

not a bad thing just weird and potentially<br />

cannibalistic.<br />

…Fucking Ewoks.<br />

Taurus<br />

(April 20-May 20)<br />

Taurus, let me make this quick: You’re an<br />

asshole. Just so we’re clean on this.<br />

You’re an asshole. I simply don’t want<br />

there to be any confusion on the subject,<br />

you’re an asshole and that all there is to<br />

it Taurus. But you should know this,<br />

being the asshole that you are. Not much<br />

else to say, asshole; I have to move on to<br />

more worthwhile people.<br />

Gemini<br />

(May 21 –June 20)<br />

Gemini, you know that light switch in<br />

your front hall that doesn’t seem to be<br />

connected to anything and every time<br />

you walk by you flick it about a dozen<br />

times? Well, you should stop that<br />

because there is a dude in Finland who is<br />

going to hop on a plane and kick the shit<br />

out of you. Believe me, sleep depravation<br />

can do that to you, and it takes a lot to<br />

piss of a Fin. Just because the switch<br />

doesn’t do anything for you doesn’t<br />

mean it doesn’t do anything. You might<br />

think it’s fun but that poor bastard’s<br />

house looks like a Poltergeist frat house<br />

every time you can’t control your urges.<br />

Have a heart Gemini, enough foreigners<br />

hate us without adding Finland to the list.<br />

Cancer<br />

(June 21-July 22)<br />

Cancer, the stars have told me your<br />

lucky number and said that it can change<br />

your life for the better if used properly.<br />

<strong>The</strong> number is “Zadnpf.” Apparently it<br />

exists between fourteen and fifteen and<br />

hasn’t been discovered by mathematicians<br />

as of yet. <strong>The</strong> stars also mentioned<br />

that it wouldn’t be discovered for about<br />

three hundred years. So you’re kinda<br />

fucked on this one Cancer. Have you<br />

considered investing in Cryogenics?<br />

Leo<br />

(July 23-Aug. 22)<br />

Leo, what can I say? You were right, the<br />

dumb ass was going to break his neck if<br />

he tried blowing himself. You should give<br />

him props because the paramedics told<br />

me that he actually did get it in his mouth<br />

just seconds before his neck broke.<br />

Basically, what I am saying is that I’m not<br />

really sure if I owe you the $25 because<br />

he technically was blowing himself<br />

before his spine snapped and the wording<br />

of the bet was that he would break<br />

his neck if he “tried” to blow himself. We<br />

can talk about it later. If you go to visit<br />

Pisces, just be sure to give him the “keep<br />

dreaming the dream” shit. It helps take<br />

his mind of being a cripple.<br />

Virgo<br />

(Aug 23-Sept 22)<br />

Virgo, it takes a man with gigantic balls<br />

and a heart of stone to drink another<br />

man’s chocolate milk. Did you even think<br />

about what you were doing? Perhaps<br />

you just opened the fridge and said,<br />

“Hey, there’s some delicious chocolate<br />

milk, nobody could be saving that.” I<br />

hope you enjoyed every last drop of it<br />

before you buried the evidence in the<br />

garbage can like a dead hooker. All the<br />

while the true victim lay in his bed with<br />

dreams of sailing upon calm milk chocolate<br />

seas in search of chocolate chunk<br />

islands, only to wake to the ugly sting of<br />

betrayal. One day you’ll pay for your<br />

treachery, Virgo, for the Devil will have<br />

his due.<br />

Libra<br />

(Sept 23 –Oct 22)<br />

Libra, because you are a pain in the ass,<br />

the Cosmos and I are in agreement that<br />

from now on people should refer to their<br />

hemorrhoids only as “Libra” and do<br />

away with calling them hemorrhoids.<br />

That’s all I have for you Libra; now go<br />

play on some train tracks.<br />

Scorpio<br />

(Oct 23-Nov 21)<br />

Scorpio, I know you’ve been<br />

wondering what would happen if you<br />

asked out that really hot chick at the coffee<br />

shop. Well, I conferred with the stars<br />

and have your answer. She would say<br />

“no,” and you would be emotionally<br />

crushed. <strong>The</strong>n you would start parking<br />

outside the coffee shop every night just<br />

to stare at her through the window.<br />

Shortly after that you would begin to follow<br />

her home and park near her house<br />

until you saw all the lights go out. This<br />

would continue until you became<br />

increasingly bold. I really don’t need to<br />

finish this Scorpio; just accept that asking<br />

her out is not a good idea. As for the<br />

girl at the deli? Well I have a feeling that<br />

her club foot will dance it’s way into your<br />

heart. Well, maybe it won’t dance.<br />

Sagittarius<br />

(Nov 22 – Dec 21)<br />

Sagittarius my sweet, if you’re going to<br />

walk around naked in front of your windows<br />

with the curtains open, then please<br />

have the decency to stick to a set schedule.<br />

I’ve wasted three sick days this week<br />

and it’s gotten to the point where I am<br />

losing sleep trying to lock down the pattern,<br />

but you simply refuse to cooperate.<br />

How else am I going to know when to<br />

have the camera set up or my friends<br />

over? Have some decency, Sagittarius,<br />

because I really love tits.<br />

Capricorn<br />

(Dec 22 – Jan 19)<br />

Capricorn what the hell are you bitching<br />

about? You’re the one that took the shitty<br />

job to begin with because you didn’t<br />

“feel challenged” or some bullshit along<br />

those lines. Why don’t you just be honest<br />

and say that you wanted to bring<br />

home more money than the pittance you<br />

were bringing home before. Hell, Capricorn,<br />

it’s a capitalist society and you<br />

were just doing what comes natural. You<br />

could not have possibly known what a<br />

total fucking tool your boss was. I mean,<br />

he seemed like a normal guy at the time,<br />

beyond the fact that he had the personality<br />

of an unseasoned crouton. You had<br />

no way of knowing he wore powdered<br />

wigs, and spoke in an English accent<br />

during private “pants optional” meetings.<br />

Sure he makes you mad and often<br />

treats you like shit in front of the entire<br />

staff, but you have something he doesn’t,<br />

Capricorn. You have a video of him<br />

perched naked on the conference table<br />

while shitting on the Founder’s portrait<br />

and screaming, “This is my Mission<br />

Statement!” Now Capricorn, just give it a<br />

second and it will come…Let’s see some<br />

capitalism.<br />

Tired of<br />

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2745 Delaware Ave. Kenmore, NY<br />

876-7168<br />

<strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 19

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