Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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INAUGURAL BALLS Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage It makes sense, really, that most of the media reaction surrounding George Bush’s inaugural address doesn’t involve debating Bush’s points, but actually figuring out what the hell he really said. This should be strange, but after four years of this guy I’m getting used to it. I’m not sure, but I think there was a time, not so long ago, when Presidents said stuff and people came away knowing what had just happened. You know, “reduce government waste” or “health care for the children” or “Saddam has massive stockpiles of Sarin gas” or some other lie, but a lie you could hold onto. Now it’s gaseous non-sequiturs like “exporting democracy.” The Bush administration is so feverishly attuned to the business mindset that they describe abstract concepts as manufactured goods. “Spreading liberty.” It’s not cream cheese, you know. The upshot is that now, after a speech prepared over three months, Bush’s dad is out there doing damage control, assuaging foreign press fears that they’ll be wearing hoods and getting peed on by Alberto Gonzalez in a few weeks. I’m still not convinced they’re wrong. The real problem isn’t that Bush’s vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn’t even that he’s completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he’s launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush’s speech is that it simply isn’t true, and doesn’t make any sense. It’s 100% manure from start to finish. Let’s have a look: Across the generations, we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government, because no one is fit to be a master, and no one deserves to be a slave. Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. Not true. Half the nation rode to prosperity on the backs of slaves. Our much-abused forefathers all owned them. Clearly they didn’t have too much trouble with the concept. Neither does Bush, who is trying to bully his own party into granting illegals quasi-legal, second-class status in order to create a new underclass for cheap, cheap labor. They said the south would rise again, and they were right. So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world. Not true. Bush does not oppose tyranny. America does not oppose tyranny. Military dictatorships—those that are willing to play ball—have long been among America’s favorite business partners. We regularly attempt to overthrow democratically elected leaders who are unwilling to sell off their assets and screw over their people. If you don’t already know this stuff, you’re not alone. But your opinion still doesn’t matter. That kind of information—that is, our actual national history and not the vague assemblage of images, sound bites and anecdotes that most have been led to believe represents who we are—is a prerequisite to even forming an opinion that merits consideration. In the real world, outside the CNN studio, this habit of displacing weak foreign leaders and imposing military dictatorships has gone unabated and has continued full force under Bush, in Haiti and Venezuela, for example. Beyond that, he has been all too happy to tolerate tyranny in other countries—Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait come to mind, not to mention most of Africa and South America—especially when his corporate friends are doing business there. The only reason he went to war in Iraq was that Hussein refused to go along, and we just couldn’t manage to assassinate the guy. Everything else is just presentation. America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Oh, come on. 2 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 The real problem about Bush’s speech is that it simply isn’t true, and doesn’t make any sense. It’s 100% manure from start to finish. ““““““ We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when freedom came under attack, and our response came like a single hand over a single heart. And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America acts for good, and the victims of disaster are given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, and the captives are set free. The “victims of disaster” bit is somewhat galling after Bush’s reluctance to cough up aid for the tsunami victims, but that “captives set free” line is just too much. In reality we’re building permanent jails in other countries for the express purpose of keeping prisoners (“detainees” in terrorspeak) in them, without counsel or visitation rights, or even charges, for the very reason that there is no evidence to support charges against them. Again: We’re throwing these people in jail forever, without charging them, without trying them, just because we can. And, truth be told, most of us don’t really seem to give a damn. Discussions about the torture issue these days seem to hinge on the question of whether torture works or not, or how it hurts us in the public relations area, with hardly a stray thought as to whether it makes us a clearly evil entity on the world scene. What kind of asshole can claim to be on a holy mission to eliminate tyranny while he’s bbyy AAllllaann UUtthhmmaann attaching electrodes to your balls? It has become painfully clear, despite executive protestations, that torture is a matter of policy in this administration. The denials only serve to placate those who are most determined not to know the truth. We have become a nation that will beat and rape you before we even know who the hell you are, and Allawi’s government in Iraq has gladly followed suit, employing many of the same people to do the job that Saddam hired. That’s Bush’s legacy. History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction set by liberty and the author of liberty. There’s more meaningful lines than this in Jabberwocky. The speech was awash in grandiose, sermonic prose, not even tipping its hat to reality. It was the best indicator yet that we are all screwed, that we’ve been conned by a man who has no idea how the world works, or just doesn’t give a damn. My point is this: the speech was an embarrassment, a ridiculous fairytale version of the world, less nuanced than “Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.” Freedom’s on the march, and tyranny better look out ‘cause God’s on our side and we’re gonna rain some hot, flammable freedom on their tyrannical asses! The Europeans are freaking out, probably because Bush’s religiofascist rhetoric is really starting to remind them of someone they’d just as soon forget, as well as our slavishly fawning media and woefully misinformed, panicky public. And many of the biggest names in that media, especially those on TV, saw an entirely different speech, or at least they got paid enough to fake it. Here’s what some were saying while the rest of us were recovering from the ideological tea-bagging: The hideous Dick Morris, on O’Reilly, said it was the best speech: “... Since John F. Kennedy’s and one of the five or sixth greatest of all time. It was beautiful, it was poetic... and it articulated a bold new doctrine for American policy. It was a very substantive speech.” The Cleveland Plain Dealer called it “a thematic symphony keyed to the unalienable rights of people - the same truths this nation’s founders held to be self-evident.” Howard Fineman, not one to be outdone in Presidential cock-chugging, called the address “the biggest statement of American purpose in the world of any President I can think of. It is Woodrow Wilson on steroids. It’s big.” Wow. Wilson on steroids! Just who we need to straighten this country out. It’s hard not to be disgusted. We are an immensely ignorant people being robbed of our reputation—not to mention our money— by sociopath leaders with the aid of an obsequious, pandering press. The President announces a policy of preemptive war against, say, half the world, based on false premises and holy appointment, and our popular media acts like he dropped his pants and shat diamonds. Ready for another four years? Evil Publisher Paul Fallon (pfallon@buffalobeast.com) Just plAin eviL Syndicate Lee Langenfeld Craig Robbins STAFF Evil Editor-in-Chief Allan Uthman (aluthman@buffalobeast.com) Needs a Mint Ian Murphy (ian@buffalobeast.com) Evil Associate Editor Chris Crawford (chris@buffalobeast.com) Evil News Briefs Chris Abbey (cabbey@buffalobeast.com) Evil Cinema Critic Michael Gildea (Michael@buffalobeast.com) Doesn’t Do Much Robert Yates Evil Contributors Matt Taibbi, N. Sorrenti, Andrew Gullerstien, Ronnie Roscoe, Donnie Dobovich, Zoester Frye, Tits Biffle Evil Illustrators Jason Youngbluth , James Gielow, Stephen Notley, Evil Interns Some Devry Asshole ---------------------------------------------- FOR ADVERTISING RATES AND INFO CALL PAUL 856-4355 WARNING: This publication contains profanity and unpopular opinions, and may inform you. Uptight ninnies and libel lawyers are advised to put it down and back away slowly. THE BEAST 100 South Elmwood Ave. Buffalo, NY 14202 Phone: (716) 856-4355 Fax: (716) 852-4034 Letters to the Editors should be addressed to: sic@buffalobeast.com This Issue’s Confirmation Hearing Onomatopoeia ““SShhhhhhoooooomm bb--bb--bbooww,, bb--bb--bbooww,, rraatt-ttaattaattaattaattaatt--bboooomm,, rraattaattaattaatt bboooomm!!””
Devil in a Blue Dress Nation Delighted by Media Saturation of Unattainable Affluence I’ve always thought that one of America’s best selling points was that it never had a king. If there is one thing that defines us as a people, as opposed to all other peoples, it is this fact. Every other nation in the world has a dozen or so of those embarrassing chapters from the past to live down. Not us. The moment of our conception was a rejection of the very idea of kings. All of that goes out the window whenever we have a presidential inauguration. The urge to turn the White House into Buckingham Palace (or, more to the point, Camelot) is one of the oldest and most shameful traditions of the media age, but this disgusting phenomenon always heats to whiteness during inauguration week, regardless of what party is ascending to power. What a splendiferous reception hall! Look at all the rich and tasty things on the banquet table! Why, it must be a hundred feet long! “Paula, set the stage from your perspective,” gushed serial ass-kisser Wolf Blitzer, as he threw to Paula Zahn, standing at the inauguration site, on CNN. “This is a majestic moment for the entire country!” We heard about all the majesty; from the scalloped crab, roasted Missouri quail, chestnuts and brined root vegetables at the post-inauguration congressional luncheon (“Mmm, scalloped crab sounds good,” said CNN anchor Carol Costello) to the mariachi band, Cohiba cigars and “buffet tables loaded with Tex-Mex fare” at the “Black Tie & Boots” ball the night before (“I feel very simpatico with the people of Texas,” offered shameless-hanger-on-in-a-cowboy-hat Rudy Giuliani) to the elegant inauguration lunch at Statuary Hall in the Capitol (“It’s majestic,” repeated the fixated Blitzer. “What a beautiful hall, for those of our viewers who have never been inside the U.S. Capitol...”). And so on and so on. Then there was this Washington Times description of the king stepping into the courtyard to meet his subjects at the Boogie Ball: At 9:30 p.m., Mr. Bush and his wife, first lady Laura Bush, took the stage with daughters Jenna and Barbara, and the crowd THE BEAST PAGE 3 Name: Longhorn Salute Turn-ons: Football, evil, the Book of Revelations, touch-screen voting machines, occupying oil-rich nations, Seasons in the Abyss by Slayer Turn-offs: Rehnquist’s tracheotomy, the Congressional Budget Office, Norwegians, the first amendment Belle of the Ball? By now we all know the dress and have seen the photos, but what else goes behind making the first lady look how a first lady should? Satanic Presidential Hand Gesture How I became The Beast page 3 Satanic Presidential Hand Gesture: Well, the fact that there’s a whole clan of people in Texas hailing Beelzebub in support of a college football team shouldn’t really come as much of a surprise at this point, nor that they should be present at the locus of global power during Bush’s coronation ceremony. What surprises me, really, is that they would display me so easily, given the number of people paid to vet their every action and word. I guess they’re really devoted to those longhorns—or possibly Satan. Future Plans: I’ll be appearing on liberal websites around the world for the next few weeks—I’m fairly certain I’ll be more widely circulated than that old “one-finger victory salute” video clip. I also hope to awaken doubt in millions of bitter secularists, spurring their interest in Biblical prophecy. How I want to be remembered: As the hand gesture that should have tipped off Christians that maybe they were betting on the wrong horse. Actual human hair Standard GOP lobotomy Convincing life like eyes Surgically enhanced smile Victoria’s Secret Service Kevlar bra Presidential corset designed by NASA Front butt #1, code named project FUPA Long sleeves hide tattoo of Chairman Mao Wrinkly hands indicate true age Source: AP went wild. Mrs. Bush wore a rose silk taffeta Carolina Herrera ensemble with a Western touch—a full skirt and bodice resembling a button-down shirt. Jenna wore black and white, and Barbara seafoam green. “It’s nice to be home,” the president told the throng. “Or as close to home as you can get in Washington.” Then, to even louder cheers, Mr. Bush said, “The best decision I ever made was asking Laura to marry me.” That Laura would be wearing a rose silk taffeta Carolina Herrera ensemble with a Western touch was known in advance. The press had been briefed. And with this news, the press ran and ran. The Queen’s inauguration outfits were a story, a non-sarcastic story, in almost every paper in the country last week, to the point where Oscar de la Renta, the designer of her now-famous “ice blue” inauguration ceremony ensemble, was received by the press as though he were a visiting head of state. Katie Couric was in the receiving line. “Many of us forget what’s in the speeches, because a lot of us are focused on what the first lady is wearing,” she gushed, as she introduced de la Renta on her show. “And wait no longer, this is a gown first lady Laura Bush will wear to this evening’s inaugural balls. It’s a silvery blue number designed by Oscar de la Renta...” Introducing the designer, she said, “Hi, Oscar. May I call you Oscar?” She asked permission, ladies and gentlemen. Oscar consented. De la Renta then did his job. The playbook for celebrity suck-up is universal. Like Ange- bbyy MMaatttt TTaaiibbbbii “Paula, set the stage from your perspective,” gushed serial ass-kisser Wolf Blitzer, as he threw to Paula Zahn, standing at the inauguration site, on CNN. “This is a majestic moment for the entire country!” lo Dundee dutifully telling ESPN at the premiere of Ali that Will Smith could have been a top-flight middleweight instead of an actor, de la Renta pulled out the standard pre-fight hype: Laura had the “most extraordinary sort of blue eyes I’ve ever seen in any lady,” that blue with a little turquoise was the only possible color for such a specimen, etc., etc. But Katie just couldn’t get past the name thing. “As a designer,” she began, “I have to call you Mr. De La Renta—as a designer, Mr. De La Renta...” “No, please don’t,” said Caesar, refusing the crown. “I know, but it’s so weird for me, Oscar,” she said. Then she added: “But, as a designer, is this really one of the most coveted assignments you can think of?” Yes, it was, Oscar agreed. The rest of the press corps seconded the motion. The St. Petersburg Times raved over the “muchtouted silvery-blue tulle dress,” hyping also the other inauguration dresses designed by one Sally Jennings, who once designed a dress for Adele Graham, wife of Senator Bob Graham. The Graham dress, the Times noted, was “a white silk chiffon dress with little triangles along the hem, a subtle clue that Adele was a Tri Delta.” The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, echoing the brandidentifying sociopathy of American Psycho, noted that Laura would attack this political event by “[slipping] into custom-made Stuart Weitzman shoes: pearl gray leather D’Orsay pumps for day and silver lace pumps for night.” The New York Times, as is its wont, did not simply baldly kiss Laura’s skirts, but instead deigned to draw global conclusions from her dress. In a piece that asserted that “A More Relaxed Laura Bush Shows Complexity Under Calm,” the putatively serious journalist Todd Purdum wrote, “She sits on a red damask settee in the White House Map Room... stroking Miss Beazley, her new Scottie puppy, a tiny feminine form of Roosevelt’s beloved Fala. Her gray pinstripe pantsuit is soft and perfectly put together, and so is she.” Of course, once this is all over, all of these news organizations will go back to being ball-busting crusaders for truth. It only seems like they’re totally enjoying this little vacation of kneeling at the altar of fabulousness and throwing rose petals at a mute Texas housewife. The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 3
Page 1: Controversial Cover Angers Roaches,
Page 5 and 6: Fuzzy Logic It’s been a big probl
Page 7 and 8: Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramp
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Page 23 and 24: SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE To whom it

Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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