Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

Recommendations

Info

ar•dak n [Russ, ·‡apple‰‡Í, brothel, chaos] slang (1997) Dives Green Buffalo Pub ★ ★★★ ★★ Cheers: This is the place for you if you have no hope of ever leaving the immediate Lancaster/Depew area. Great for depressing conversations or advice about rolling a proper joint, what to do about your knocked-up girlfriend (for the second time), or how shitty it is working in the dilapidated warehouse you're employed in. Beer is cheap, mixed drinks could be a bit cheaper but not too bad. Great "blue collar" jukebox drinking songs, "Deer hunter" video game w/rifle, trashy broads even a retarded midget could bag (with some serious beer goggles, of course.) As a bona fide chicken finger fanatic/professional critic, some of the best fingers and fresh-cut homemade French fries I've ever had in the Greater Buffalo-Niagara region and dirt cheap at that. ($5 for a basket) Jeers: Obtaining the best chicken fingers and fries has become increasingly difficult/erratic; cook is "not here" most of the time, sometimes requesting food for take out is met by a "no" from whomever answers the phone. Can feel extremely uncomfortable if you're not a 100% miserable Buffalonian, they can smell it a mile away. Prepare to be met with cold stares and not too discreet comments; violence in air is palpable, very much resembles the Mos Eisley cantina from Star Wars (I think I saw Ponda Bobba in there last week). Lots of dicks from high school you don't want to see and vice versa. Address: 165 Lake Ave, Lancaster Phone: 681-4414 Pour House ★ ★★ ★★ Cheers: Alcohol numbs pain. Jeers: We weep for our future. This is the former Kettle’s South, the diviest of dives north of Eden, a place where you could step into the john in peace, then return to find bodies broken and bleeding and the cops taking names. Not anymore. Now it’s lit up like a library. Friend from LA, equally disappointed, called the place a “tool shed” because of its 100:1 menwomen ratio. Jukebox, which once held reliable classic rock, was playing John Mayer, so we fled. Address: 23 South Buffalo Street, Hamburg Phone: 649-9895 Essex St. Pub ★ ★★ ★ Cheers: If you’re feeling nostalgic for the bygone days of the mid to late ‘90s, then head to the Essex. There’s no better place to relive those heady times than this “bar the millenium forgot.” Nod your head thoughtfully to the strains of Sonic Youth’s seminal album Dirty as you stare wistfully at the autographed picture of Rita Repulsa, recalling a more innocent time, before the Power Rangers sold out. They say you can never go home again, but you can go to the Essex, where the Rolling Rock splits are 2 for $1.75 and the bartenders care enough to give you a to-go cup of ice water if they know you’re driving drunk. Jeers: The bathroom is disgusting and so cramped 20 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 that an associate had to balance on the toilet and use the top of the wooden divider between the sink and stall in order to cut and snort his drugs. One final word regarding the bathroom: “Crowbar” must have a freakishly small penis, and I can’t thank him enough for making an already unpleasant place almost intolerable. The legend of the camera, “you can’t see it, it’s near the broken TV,” makes smoking impossible and lends an air of Orwellian paranoia that seems out of place given the general atmosphere of the bar, but right in step with the times. Address: 6 Essex St.(Rhode Island Ave) Phone: 883-2150 Pyramid Lounge ★ ★★ ★ Cheers: Classic dive bar. Fake wood paneling and ramshackle appearance will make you feel right at home—if you live in your parents' basement. Longtime fixture among Hamburg watering holes. Goodsized bar, with decent crowd when we visited. Lack of Harleys parked outside perplexing. Friendly patrons politely pretend not to notice your inebriated slurring. Well-lit back room with decent pool table where you get the feeling you could play a friendly game of pool or have it off with the chestnut haired temptress you just met and nobody would notice one way or the other. Jeers: Place cleary ravaged by the smoking ban; the only place to light up is on the sidewalk out front, thereby exposing you to the scorn of school children. Sports memorabilia behind the bar is twice as old as anybody in the place Address: 187 Buffalo St, Hamburg Phone: 648-3646 Jacobi’s ★ ★ ★ Cheers: Cheap Pitchers and Tuesday night Kareoke might draw a stray college kid or two in here. Kitchen closes at midnight and I suppose the wings can be deemed tolerable. Jeers: On every other night you will find every sad middle-agers from the university heights area slowly drowning their considerable pain in a haze of alcohol (and maybe something else as well). 400lb women will slowly be sliding down their bar stools as their once cool biker husbands oggle the twenty-something bartender. If you have six dollars left in your pocket and you want to spend it on beer we suggest a twelve pack of Natural Ice. The karaoke-man mocked one Beast staffer’s rendition of "Insensitive" by Jann Arden, which was not appreciated at all. Address: 384 Kenmore Ave. Phone: 835-5678 Hours: 11am-til late (kitchen open until midnight) Molly’s Pub ★★ ★ ★ Cheers: Molly’s is what the Steer could be if assholes stopped going there. Awesome drink specials assure Things That Do & Don’t Suck THE BEAST DECODING key you that these guys don’t fuck around. No watereddown drinks here; even the 50-cent well drinks are mostly alcohol. More dartboards than pretty much any bar this side of the Atlantic. Karaoke combined with cheap drinks makes every Tuesday night there amusing as hell. On a recent Saturday night, we caught a friend’s band playing here and had a sloppy-great time. At least we think we did; don’t remember the end of that night. This is the bar for people going out to drink; no pussies need apply. Thanks Molly’s. Once more, we were seen puking in your parking lot. And we’ll certainly do it again.. Jeers: Sometimes, they make you pay a cover. That sucks. The place has kind of a weird set-up and it’s awkward when bands play there. Oh, and there’s this creepy guy who comes by himself for karaoke Tuesdays and sings Elton John songs. Last time, he pointed to a friend during “Your Song.”. Address: 3199 Main St. Phone: 836-6559 Caruso’s ★★ ★★ ★ Cheers: Cheap beer and drinks in general. Really competitive pool games. Friendly staff, who will actually buy back drinks when you tip them (a sacred deal that many bartenders across this great land, and especially in our fair city seem to have forgotten about). While the cracked linoleum floor, old wooden furniture, and giant Tom Selleck poster in back add to the atmosphere, it’s the people that make this bar exceptional. They’re racially and economically diverse, and tend to be completely unlike the yahoos you find on Elmwood or Chippewa. There are no posing hipsters or weakling Buffalo scenesters, and the more authentic type of gangster would run out any fake-ass wannabes. Simply put, This place is authentic and has character… dare we say soul. Jeers: Caruso’s is far from just about anywhere. The beer selection is lousy and Jameson is unavailable. Finding songs you actually want to hear on the jukebox ranges from excessively time-consuming to plain impossible (unless you really like R&B). The crowd there is occasionally too friendly… you may find yourself trapped in an advice-strewn conversation about the meaning of love and life with a regret-filled 47year-old man. You also might end up finishing off a blunt out front with a “21”-year-old kid who just got out of the pokey, and insists he can trick out your ancient Japanese car for “like $500.” There are women there, but most of them seem to be underage, taken, or both. Address: 829 Niagara St Phone: 648-1390 Elmwood Lounge ★★ ★★ ★ Cheers: This place is just plain nuts on any Saturday night of the year. $3 to see Lance Diamond is an incredible bargain. Anything can happen here—you could get drunk, high, and laid or wind up out back in a pool of piss, blood and vomit. Either way, it’s exciting. Plenty of horny women as well as some weird characters like the old bald guy with a ZZ Top beard sitting at the corner of the bar nursing a glass of ridiculously cheap draft beer all night, oblivious to the madness all around. Consider the Lounge ground zero = Fahkie Factor! Do you have a chance in hell of getting laid here? ★ = Not unless you screw the homeless guy out back ★★ = If you bring an 8-ball of coke and an HIV-negative certificate, you’ve got a shot ★★★ = Get ready for a Ron Jeremy evening: you’re gonna get fa-a-a-ahhked = Fracas Factor! Is a fight likely to break out here? ★ = No, all the guys look like the lead singer from Weezer ★★ = Just don’t wendel anyone’s girlfriend, and you’ll be fine ★★★ = One false move, and you’ll think you’re in the cafeteria at Attica = Foam Factor! Will cheap-0 BEAST readers be able to afford the beer? ★ = less than $2 per beer ★★ = $2–3 per beer ★★★ = $4–40,000 for your next blackout. We’re still spellbound by Stacy the adorable bartender. Jeers: Old and sort of dingy, direct skin contact with interior surfaces not advisable. The mens’ room was put in as an afterthought; the door neither opens all the way nor fully shuts, one of those odd carpentry errors typical of area dives. Twisted old people sit around for hours pissing away their golden years and Social Security on Lotto and Quickdraw. If you don’t like a crowd, come in any night of the week and witness an ever-changing cast of misfits and characters even Quentin Tarantino couldn’t dream up. And no, Stacy won’t date you, but she’ll definitely entertain you. Address: Elmwood and West Utica Phone: 882 - 5881 ‘Nice’ J.P. Fitzgerald’s ★★★ ★★ ★★ Cheers: When we were kids, this was the Village Edge restaurant, known for its soup and salad bar and its matronly staff. When we were older, it became a loud pseudo-Irish bar with a deck, a great jukebox, and a lot of great times we don’t remember. Now, years later, we wish it had a soup and salad bar again. But there we were, and old man sitting in a young man’s bar, waiting for my turn to groove. Place is packed constantly, and probably a lot of fun if you don’t mind the groping. Jeers: We mind the groping; maybe we’re getting old. Why won't the backwards baseball cap thing go the fuck away? Hanging out with two single friends was like walking a couple of Irish setters through a park while keeping them from sniffing. Spent evening staring at floor trying not to make eye contact with either the fridge-sized no-necks with something to prove or the waifish succubi who provoke them. Went home and reproposed to our wives. Made a hot cup of soup. Wept softly for a generation. Address: 4236 Clark St, Hamburg Phone: 649-4025 Tralf ★ ★ ★★ Cheers: Upscalish sit-down concert venue with good sound system and occasionally good national and regional acts, such as the recent Paul Westerberg show. Cool bartenders. High ceilings keep the accumulating cigarette smoke well above your head and eyes. Live shows end in plenty of time for you to go do some serious drinking elsewhere. Jeers: Most of the live acts tend toward the dinosaur whitey blues genre. Drinks on the pricey side. At the more packed shows where they remove some of the tables, spilled beers turn the ancient gray all-weather carpeting into a gooey mess that will attempt to relieve you of your shoes. All those aging white people dancing poorly as if they're at some kind of beach party can be creepy. You have to ride up an extremely narrow escalator to get there. Address: 622 Main Street (2nd floor at Theatre Place) Phone: 851-8725
BEAST EATS Key (for one entree, side dish and drink per person) $ = UP TO $15.00 • $$ = $15.00 - $30.00 • $$$ = $30.00 - $50.00 • $$$$ = $50.00 - ∞ Diners ZJ’s $ Cheers: This is a former “Your Host” restaurant that hasn’t changed much over the years. The atmosphere has stayed the same—big tables, lots of booths, a lunch counter. The food, however, has made leaps into the future. There’s something to be said for a restaurant that lets you look into their kitchen. Every souvlaki lover has his own idea of the best, and this is ours. Loaded with onions and feta, served with a crisp grilled pita, it gets topped with a dressing we have tried to duplicate at home with depressing results. A full menu of pies and desserts that you must save room for. Jeers: With a dozen bars within a mile radius surrounding it, one would hope ZJ’s would stay open for that 4 a.m. bar crowd. No such luck. Walls are adorned with framed prints by local artist/mogul Thelma Winter. Sort of homey, until you realize they’re for sale. Address: Hamburg Village Square, 140 Pine Street Phone: 646-5950 Lake Effect Diner $ Cheers: We all stumbled into this ‘50s style diner, half drunk and half expecting to get hosed or attacked by dogs. That didn’t happen for a couple of reasons. The milkshakes more than make up for the trailer architecture, which echoes a cold war bomb shelter, and the waitress made us feel at home. The menu offers a great deal to choose from in appetizers, entrees and deserts. A great place to take a dame out after a picture, especially if she likes stainless steel and you’re broke. The Lake Effect Diner is a swell place to get a decent late night meal that won’t break the bank. Jeers: The damn thing is made of stainless steel. We know that shouldn’t really affect us that much, but it does! After a while, we began to reason that the building would scramble the GPS in our cell phones, and if we left in different clothes we could elude JonBenet Ramsey’s ghost. She was bound to find us again, we keep blowing her off. The booths were a little too cozy for our rotund modern asses. Not a good place to do angel dust. Address: 3165 Main St Phone: 831-0443 ‘Nice’ Left Bank $$$$ Cheers: Sometimes you need to dine in style. Plenty of atmosphere in this trendy joint. The help was courteous and efficient, with impressive knowledge of the specials. Tasty sauce reductions at every turn. Menu packed with flavor and know-how by great chefs. Large fenced patio for death-stick consumption, nice for romantic chatter and dinner under the stars—when it’s not totally fucking freezing. Right across street from Essex Pub and Craig's house. Waitresses were all hot enough to convince you to trade nuclear secrets to China. Jeers: Better get reservations about a month in advance...and make sure there's room on the ol' credit card. Bar full of rich, snobby fucks who haven’t lived an honest day in their sniveling, insignificant lives. Address: 501 Rhode Island St. Phone: 882-3509 Water Valley Inn $ Cheers: Prototypical of the small, homey roadside restaurants that once populated Western New York, then disappeared to make way for the "neighborhood grill" chains. Small bar in front attracts a genial, more mature, meet-the-guys-on-the-way-home crowd. The old photos and bric-a-brac tacked to walls may remind one of, say, Applebee’s, but try to remember that places like this gave THEM the idea. Too few stray from the safe and outstanding fish fries (the air is heavy with the aroma of oil, though the fried entrees are surprisingly light and crisp), but the adventurous will be rewarded with creative dishes full of flavors, and in portions one human could conceivably consume. Jeers: With Route 62, Water Valley Nursery, a homestead and Eighteen Mile Creek boxing it in on all sides, they can't expand their lot, and parking is tight even when sober. If your parking brake works and you don’t mind a short walk, you can park on the street. There’s nothing they can do about it, but the dumpster in the parking lot takes the edge off your appetite in the summer months. Address: 6656 Gowanda State Road (Route 62), Hamburg- Phone: 649-9691 Kentucky Greg’s Hickory Pit NEW!! $$ Cheers: The only impression we ever had of this place before we tried it was from a former coworker who would come waddling back to work, bloated, bleary-eyed and with the pacified half-grin of the Buddha. We now know that joy. Head-sized sandwiches overflowing with spicy pork or chicken, choices of beans or greens, or whatever else should be good for you but is definitely, definitely not. Life is about quality, not longevity, so get the cheese fries- shoestring fried potatoes smothered (it’s a cliche, but this time we mean it) in real shredded cheese—not that goo other places soak your spuds in— and, in a sort of bad-ass culinary nose-thumbing, a healthy dollop of sour cream. Watching your diet? Bring a friend and share. Jeers: We guess one way of becoming a slow-burning legend is to put your business way the hell out in East Cupcake. We always drive by twice, then, somehow, end up in the parking lot of the ice cream stand next door. Waitress laughed at us when we asked for Texas toast with my sandwich, which was served on...Texas Toast. Okay, we’re idiots. We were distracted by the cheese fries. Address: 2186 George Urban Blvd, Depew Phone: 685-6599 Betty’s $ Cheers: Cybele’s mourners in Allentown have a new place to go with half the wait and half the attitude. Betty’s is full of familiar faces from Cybele’s and some near-identical dishes, but is an altogether brighter and more conventional affair. Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich is reportedly delicious. Plantains and salsa is tasty and unusual. Service is casual and friendly without being slovenly. This place has a really good feel to it, charming decor, a familiar clientele and staff, and a neatly tucked-away location that’s just a block from Allen St. Definitely recommended. Jeers: Dour Cybele’s regulars may experience discomfort in sunny dining room. No bar. Dinner portions not gigantic. Upon further review, the steak sandwiches are actually quite excellent. Not enough plantains per order. Coffee is high-octane, but with a hint of truck stop. Address: 370 Virginia St Phone: 362-0633 The Rendevous $$ Cheers: One of the most interesting and enjoyable places to have a meal in the area. The large patio is very cool. It'll make you feel like you're eating in New Orleans or somewhere in South America (yeah, right). The gumbo is a must, but watch out—it will fill you up fast. The crab cakes and jambalaya are spicy and delicious and great as an appetizer or entree. You can't go wrong with their many seafood selections, or the wide selection of poorboy sandwiches made with fresh Italian bread. Indoor dining booths still sport the carvings of an ancient people that used to inhabit the region in the first half of the last century. Jeers: Patio bar not open when we visited, causing our alcoholic selves to attempt actual conversation while waiting the few extra seconds it took to get more drinks. While outdoor seating is eclectic, it would be nice if the seats were dried before you sat down. Jukebox filled with great tunes taunts us with its inoperability. Address: 520 Niagara Street Phone:856-3309 Century Grill $ Cheers: Man, are we relieved. We thought we’d have to suck up to this new advertiser and lie about how great the place is, but it turns out to be legitimately great. The Century Grill is, to begin with, an awesome space—huge and old, with giant beams and brickwork (the place was actually built by freemasons). They have a great selection of beers, including local brews—try the oatmeal stout, it’s amazing. But the real story is the top notch menu, with not one item that doesn’t sound absolutely delicious. Though the salads look good, it’s mainly carnivorous fare—the “Century Burger,” a half-pound of ground beef on a bologna steak with cheddar, Swiss, provolone & bacon, sounds like something you could go to hell for eating, but might be worth it. Great sandwiches are only $6.50 for lunch—screw the Mainplace Mall food court already. The filet mignon dinner special was fucking great, as well as the garlic mashed potatoes. The fish fry is worth the cardiovascular hit—and it’s available every day! Apparently, this place gets pretty raucous on the weekends, especially when there’s a fight on TV. A really great place to eat, especially when you’re hungry. Jeers: Jeers: Waitress brought the wrong appetizer—but, to be fair, the shrimp quesadilla was damn good anyway. Cole slaw was a little weird. We could barely move after eating all that food and drinking numerous oatmeal stouts, which would have been a decent lunch by themselves. No lunch Saturday and Sunday. Address: 320 Pearl Street Phone: 853-6322 Asian Ichi Shogun NEW!! $$$ Cheers: God Damn it's good. Wanna melt those panties right off your date? Sit down with eight of your chums and get ready for some crazy-ass Iron Chef-style deliciousness. Beast reviewers charmed by Morimoto look-alike chef. He actually said "sesame disco" as crazy strobe lights came on. Then the egg catching began: this guy started spinning eggs for the fried rice on the grill, tossed 'em around like a Jujitsu king and then caught them on the edge of his spatula, crackin' those baby chickens onto the grill. Nice. The sushi list was long and diverse, a nice counterpoint to the Hibachi meats we ordered. Get the Emperor's feast with steak and lobster if you want to be a real man. Jeers: High sitting-next-to-teens-from-Lockport factor; for a minute we thought we were at a Chucky Cheese birthday party. Fried rice debris occasionally blasted off grill into our drinks by onion volcanoes. Retarded “700 Club” rerun on TV in background. Address: 7590 Transit Road, Williamsville Phone: 631-8899 New Manchurian House $$ Cheers: As the Chinese buffets bloom in the South towns, it’s hard to believe this simple, unassuming restaurant has held its ground. We know people who speak of the Manchurian House like others speak of their alma maters. Located at the busy intersection of Routes 62, 75 and 391, the inside is surprisingly quiet and tastefully under-decorated. The friendly service is fast and attentive. The menu holds all of your favorites (the lemon chicken is ethereal). They have plenty of lunch specials and gourmet dinner packages. Take-out is available and speedy. Jeers: Big picture windows look out upon intersection and Wilson farms parking lot, but in the right frame of mind, you can pretend it’s a parking lot in Hong Kong. Located in a well-cared-for plaza, it is still nondescript, and you may want to blindfold your date ‘til you get inside. Address: 16 Pierce Avenue, Hamburg Phone: 648-7173 Falafel Bar $ Cheers: Not the most inventive name, but this place is a worthy successor to the location of the original Pano’s and Edrito’s as a cheap and tasty chow haven. In addition to pretty great falafel, this place has all the usual Mediterranean appetizers and wraps, including souvlaki and impressively non-soggy grape leaves. Finish off with some authentic baklava if you’ve got the room. We’ve been waiting for a place like this; it almost makes up for the loss of Edrito’s from the Elmwood strip. Jeers: The lady who owns this building is prone to ousting successful businesses for unknown reasons, so don’t get too attached. Asked for coffee 3 times; never got it. A little sand in the tabouleh made for one or two distressing bites, but hey, it happens. Address: 1009 Elmwood Ave Phone: 884-0444 India Gate $$ Cheers: Lamb Madrasi and Chicken Masala tried and approved. Service so nice, you’ll feel ashamed to be a cynic; they stayed open late just for us. $5.95 lunch buffet special might be the best lunch deal of any restaurant on Elmwood. Kick-ass Pakoras, excellent curries, about nine thousand varieties of naan. Distribution of socialist literature in the doorway hints at hidden, deeply-held passions under all that obsequious service. Unlike other Indian lunch buffets, theirs includes dessert, including a fantastic kheer (rice pudding). Pleasant atmosphere and comfy booth seating.We frequently see Sabi playing the role of good citizen, sweeping up refuse on the street outside. Jeers: Unpopular Ghandi-looking customer seen fasting here on weekends. Elmwood street traffic tends to lure too many SUVowner types in here. Somehow we think this place would be improved by a huge octagonal fishtank. Address: 1116 Elmwood Avenue Phone: 886-4000 Indian Clay Oven Restaurant $$ Cheers: Clay Oven has been serving authentic Indian food for some 20 years. The current location is a small and well-lit with a homey atmosphere. The menu is varied and interesting. The Chicken Curry and Beef Vindaloo are delicious and spicy (or mild if you prefer). For you meatheads that think veggie food is for pussies try the Vegetable Jalaffrazi. It will knock your socks off and make you wonder why you’ve wasted so many years clogging your arteries with chunks of charred barnyard flesh. Friendly and efficient staff often throw in a little somethin-somethin extra to enhance you dining pleasure. Excellent Indian beer selection. Jeers: Cheesy Bus. Mgt. 101 menu introduction is a hilarious bit of tortured Abu English with the topper being their “flagrant” spices. Two words to stay away from “homemade cheese.” Near the door there is a non-functioning display case and counter behind which they seem to throw all their junk. No hard liquor for you serious drunks. Address: 3689 Sheridan Drive, Amherst Phone: 832-1030 Mexican El Canelo NEW!! $ Cheers: BEAST ALERT! The ONLY authentic Mexican place in town. Special "La Casa" dinner was so good we almost shit ourselves, and not in the bad Mexican restaurant way. Menu absolutely jam-packed with all kinds of down-home Yucatan yummies, including cheese enchiladas with actual Mexican cheeses and smothered with stewed beef tips. Salsa tasted like a kiss from a beautiful Spanish mamasita. $2 Molson bottles every night. Crazy cooks spew food orders out in about 5 minutes max. Fun to watch giant boobies and zany antics from Telemundo shows on TV in corner. Right by the Thruway. Bottles of hot sauce make Dave's Insanity seem like baby food. Jeers: Not open 24 hours. Lots of complaining trash from Kaisertown eating here. If you fear authentic experiences, go get a super mighty and hurry home before someone talks to you. Address: 431 Dingens St. (Ogden St. Exit 53), Cheektowaga Phone: 897-1195 Coyote Cafe $$ Cheers: When this restaurant first popped up, it was a simple eatery that made its reputation on great authentic Mexican food. In recent years, it has expanded to include a bar, which has expanded itself. After annexing the vacant building next door, the Coyote Cafe will soon be in the banquet business. For all this attention to expansion, one might expect the food to suffer. It hasn’t. A favorite is the flautas: chicken, cheese and spices rolled in tortillas, fried crisp and served with lettuce and tomato, sour cream and guacamole. If your entree gets two sides, you can double up on the house specialty, Sopa de Fideo, billed as “Mexican spaghetti.” No problemo. Lots of free chips and salsa to ensure you take half your meal home in a box. Lines out the door most evenings, so reservations will shave an hour off your wait time. Jeers: While we’re tempted to use the words “obnoxious,” “irritating,” and “insane,” we will instead refer to the hostess as “brassy,” because a lot of people like being cackled at while they eat. Decorations are getting a little bit “Chi Chi’s”, and I’m not sure why this place has a gift shop by the front door, while the bar, “Carlos’ Cantina,” languishes in the rear behind a wall. Address: 36 Main Street, Hamburg Phone: 649-1837 Pizza etc. Jim’s Steakout $$ Cheers: Unlike other lame-ass greasebucket joints like Mister Pizza, if the Jim’s Steakout open sign is lit- it’s open! Jim’s for the late night party crowd is like death and taxes, something you can count on. Its open until 5am, for God’s sake (and yours!). Many a night have we closed the bar and stumbled into a nearby location to be delighted by the smell of food, the look of desperate anticipation in the eyes of people holding their receipts, and of course the wellmaintained asses of late night party girls. Sure it’s packed, but where else are you gonna go? Jeers: Why isn’t Jim’s Steakout advertising in The Beast? Where is the love? And why are their ads so goddamn bad? The television commercials are even worse than their print ads; have you seen this shit? Lots of grainy, shaky and blurred footage of dilapidated hoagies, fries, neon signs and questionably hot chicks run over a track of ‘80s style break beats. Talk about low production values; they seem to have been conceived by a film student’s stool sample. This reviewer’s heart would be significantly softened by cash. Address: Wherever drunks need tacos to drive home with Phone: There’s 4 of them; look it up or ask a local fatty Louie’s $ Cheers: Louie’s delivers. It’s not pizza, and it’s not Chinese, and it delivers. That alone makes them a great boon to the homebody in search of variety. Milkshakes, curly-q fries, burgers, dogs, and sausage sandwiches delivered? Thank you. Broccoli-cheddar poppers make us happy. Sweet potato fries are more like a dessert than a side. “Healthy” selections abound, like the portabella sandwich, grilled chicken, and a tempeh burger which is really pretty good. All in all, a great place to get food you know you’ll like. Jeers: BBQ pork rib sandwich is of identical quality to those awful “McRib”-style truck stop sandwiches. Breaded deepfried zucchini sticks with Ranch dressing must be the single most unhealthy way to eat vegetables yet devised—plus they’re mushy. Address: 470 Elmwood Ave Phone: 884-0382 Avenue Pizza $$ Cheers: Easily memorized phone number. Jeers: Ordered pizza from this place late one night a couple of weeks ago at the office, because La Nova burned down (we hope they made a lot of money), and it was tragically undercooked and mushy. Like idiots, we ordered from them again the next night, and paid dearly: the subs were just crappy, old and smelly, but edible. The wings, on the other hand, tasted like they’d been basted in piss. Seriously, we all tried to eat them, but after a couple each we were just looking at each other like, “what’s wrong with these fucking wings?” Maybe they were rancid, maybe undercooked, or maybe the piss thing we mentioned earlier, but it was just wrong. Probably the only food ever to get thrown out at the Beast office. And they forgot our Coke. Last time we get from this hole; now if only we could forget the damn phone number. Also largely responsible for the double-parking nightmare on Elmwood and Utica. Note: this review only applies to their Elmwood location; we got a really good pie from the place on Hertel and Delaware the other day and the delivery guy was a peach. Address: 502 Elmwood Ave. Phone: 883-3355 Bruno’s Market Pizzeria NEW!! $ Cheers: After long-time casual favorite Giacobbi's Trattoria committed hare kiri by transforming into the eccentric Eggertsville Grille, a solid replacement turned up across the street. Bruno's has quality pizza and pasta, served in a small but clean and bright dining area. The pizza is every bit as good as the over-priced La Nova fare. Specialty choices include a killer stuffed pepper pizza. They serve a good assortment of pasta dishes and appetizers that are primo and ample. Eggplant parmesan and stuffed peppers are two BEAST favorites. Jeers: By default a take-out joint because they don't serve alcohol. Desserts seem kind of an afterthought. They have an ice-cream bar freezer near the door that shamelessly preys on the underdeveloped impulse control facility of children, including our publisher’s son. Address: 1274 Eggert Rd. Phone: 833-6800 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 21
Page 1 and 2: Controversial Cover Angers Roaches,
Page 3 and 4: Devil in a Blue Dress Nation Deligh
Page 5 and 6: Fuzzy Logic It’s been a big probl
Page 7 and 8: Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramp
Page 9 and 10: Are You Dyslexic? Gai feae in tod s
Page 11 and 12: WANNA BET? Pats are Sure Thing BByy
Page 13 and 14: SSeeppaarraatteedd aatt bbiirrtthh?
Page 15 and 16: In Good Company ✪ This snoozefest
Page 17 and 18: Saturday February 5th at Showplace
Page 19: As Divined By Your our Ethereal Gui
Page 23 and 24: SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE To whom it

Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

You also want an ePaper? Increase the reach of your titles

Delete template?

Save as template?