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Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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BEAST EATS<br />

Key (for one entree, side dish and drink per person)<br />

$ = UP TO $15.00 • $$ = $15.00 - $30.00 • $$$ = $30.00 - $50.00 • $$$$ = $50.00 - ∞<br />

Diners<br />

ZJ’s<br />

$<br />

Cheers: This is a former “Your Host” restaurant that hasn’t changed<br />

much over the years. <strong>The</strong> atmosphere has stayed the same—big<br />

tables, lots of booths, a lunch counter. <strong>The</strong> food, however, has made<br />

leaps into the future. <strong>The</strong>re’s something to be said for a restaurant<br />

that lets you look into their kitchen. Every souvlaki lover has his own<br />

idea of the best, and this is ours. Loaded with onions and feta, served<br />

with a crisp grilled pita, it gets topped with a dressing we have tried<br />

to duplicate at home with depressing results. A full menu of pies and<br />

desserts that you must save room for.<br />

Jeers: With a dozen bars within a mile radius surrounding it, one<br />

would hope ZJ’s would stay open for that 4 a.m. bar crowd. No such<br />

luck. Walls are adorned with framed prints by local artist/mogul<br />

<strong>The</strong>lma Winter. Sort of homey, until you realize they’re for sale.<br />

Address: Hamburg Village Square, 140 Pine Street<br />

Phone: 646-5950<br />

Lake Effect Diner<br />

$<br />

Cheers: We all stumbled into this ‘50s style diner, half drunk and<br />

half expecting to get hosed or attacked by dogs. That didn’t happen<br />

for a couple of reasons. <strong>The</strong> milkshakes more than make up for the<br />

trailer architecture, which echoes a cold war bomb shelter, and the<br />

waitress made us feel at home. <strong>The</strong> menu offers a great deal to<br />

choose from in appetizers, entrees and deserts. A great place to take<br />

a dame out after a picture, especially if she likes stainless steel and<br />

you’re broke. <strong>The</strong> Lake Effect Diner is a swell place to get a decent<br />

late night meal that won’t break the bank.<br />

Jeers: <strong>The</strong> damn thing is made of stainless steel. We know that<br />

shouldn’t really affect us that much, but it does! After a while, we<br />

began to reason that the building would scramble the GPS in our cell<br />

phones, and if we left in different clothes we could elude JonBenet<br />

Ramsey’s ghost. She was bound to find us again, we keep blowing her<br />

off. <strong>The</strong> booths were a little too cozy for our rotund modern asses.<br />

Not a good place to do angel dust.<br />

Address: 3165 Main St<br />

Phone: 831-0443<br />

‘Nice’<br />

Left Bank<br />

$$$$<br />

Cheers: Sometimes you need to dine in style. Plenty of atmosphere<br />

in this trendy joint. <strong>The</strong> help was courteous and efficient, with<br />

impressive knowledge of the specials. Tasty sauce reductions at every<br />

turn. Menu packed with flavor and know-how by great chefs. Large<br />

fenced patio for death-stick consumption, nice for romantic chatter<br />

and dinner under the stars—when it’s not totally fucking freezing.<br />

Right across street from Essex Pub and Craig's house. Waitresses were<br />

all hot enough to convince you to trade nuclear secrets to China.<br />

Jeers: Better get reservations about a month in advance...and<br />

make sure there's room on the ol' credit card. Bar full of rich, snobby<br />

fucks who haven’t lived an honest day in their sniveling, insignificant<br />

lives.<br />

Address: 501 Rhode Island St.<br />

Phone: 882-3509<br />

Water Valley Inn<br />

$<br />

Cheers: Prototypical of the small, homey roadside restaurants that<br />

once populated Western New York, then disappeared to make way for<br />

the "neighborhood grill" chains. Small bar in front attracts a genial,<br />

more mature, meet-the-guys-on-the-way-home crowd. <strong>The</strong> old photos<br />

and bric-a-brac tacked to walls may remind one of, say, Applebee’s,<br />

but try to remember that places like this gave THEM the idea.<br />

Too few stray from the safe and outstanding fish fries (the air is heavy<br />

with the aroma of oil, though the fried entrees are surprisingly light<br />

and crisp), but the adventurous will be rewarded with creative dishes<br />

full of flavors, and in portions one human could conceivably consume.<br />

Jeers: With Route 62, Water Valley Nursery, a homestead and Eighteen<br />

Mile Creek boxing it in on all sides, they can't expand their lot,<br />

and parking is tight even when sober. If your parking brake works<br />

and you don’t mind a short walk, you can park on the street. <strong>The</strong>re’s<br />

nothing they can do about it, but the dumpster in the parking lot<br />

takes the edge off your appetite in the summer months.<br />

Address: 6656 Gowanda State Road (Route 62), Hamburg-<br />

Phone: 649-9691<br />

Kentucky Greg’s Hickory Pit<br />

NEW!!<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: <strong>The</strong> only impression we ever had of this place before we<br />

tried it was from a former coworker who would come waddling back<br />

to work, bloated, bleary-eyed and with the pacified half-grin of the<br />

Buddha. We now know that joy. Head-sized sandwiches overflowing<br />

with spicy pork or chicken, choices of beans or greens, or whatever<br />

else should be good for you but is definitely, definitely not. Life is<br />

about quality, not longevity, so get the cheese fries- shoestring fried<br />

potatoes smothered (it’s a cliche, but this time we mean it) in real<br />

shredded cheese—not that goo other places soak your spuds in—<br />

and, in a sort of bad-ass culinary nose-thumbing, a healthy dollop of<br />

sour cream. Watching your diet? Bring a friend and share.<br />

Jeers: We guess one way of becoming a slow-burning legend is to put<br />

your business way the hell out in East Cupcake. We always drive by<br />

twice, then, somehow, end up in the parking lot of the ice cream<br />

stand next door. Waitress laughed at us when we asked for Texas toast<br />

with my sandwich, which was served on...Texas Toast. Okay, we’re<br />

idiots. We were distracted by the cheese fries.<br />

Address: 2186 George Urban Blvd, Depew<br />

Phone: 685-6599<br />

Betty’s<br />

$<br />

Cheers: Cybele’s mourners in Allentown have a new place to go with<br />

half the wait and half the attitude. Betty’s is full of familiar faces<br />

from Cybele’s and some near-identical dishes, but is an altogether<br />

brighter and more conventional affair. Jamaican jerk chicken sandwich<br />

is reportedly delicious. Plantains and salsa is tasty and unusual.<br />

Service is casual and friendly without being slovenly. This place<br />

has a really good feel to it, charming decor, a familiar clientele and<br />

staff, and a neatly tucked-away location that’s just a block from Allen<br />

St. Definitely recommended.<br />

Jeers: Dour Cybele’s regulars may experience discomfort in sunny<br />

dining room. No bar. Dinner portions not gigantic. Upon further<br />

review, the steak sandwiches are actually quite excellent. Not<br />

enough plantains per order. Coffee is high-octane, but with a hint of<br />

truck stop.<br />

Address: 370 Virginia St<br />

Phone: 362-0633<br />

<strong>The</strong> Rendevous<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: One of the most interesting and enjoyable places to have a<br />

meal in the area. <strong>The</strong> large patio is very cool. It'll make you feel like<br />

you're eating in New Orleans or somewhere in South America (yeah,<br />

right). <strong>The</strong> gumbo is a must, but watch out—it will fill you up fast.<br />

<strong>The</strong> crab cakes and jambalaya are spicy and delicious and great as<br />

an appetizer or entree. You can't go wrong with their many seafood<br />

selections, or the wide selection of poorboy sandwiches made with<br />

fresh Italian bread. Indoor dining booths still sport the carvings of<br />

an ancient people that used to inhabit the region in the first half of<br />

the last century.<br />

Jeers: Patio bar not open when we visited, causing our alcoholic<br />

selves to attempt actual conversation while waiting the few extra<br />

seconds it took to get more drinks. While outdoor seating is eclectic,<br />

it would be nice if the seats were dried before you sat down.<br />

Jukebox filled with great tunes taunts us with its inoperability.<br />

Address: 520 Niagara Street<br />

Phone:856-3309<br />

Century Grill<br />

$<br />

Cheers: Man, are we relieved. We thought we’d have to suck up to<br />

this new advertiser and lie about how great the place is, but it turns<br />

out to be legitimately great. <strong>The</strong> Century Grill is, to begin with, an<br />

awesome space—huge and old, with giant beams and brickwork (the<br />

place was actually built by freemasons). <strong>The</strong>y have a great selection<br />

of beers, including local brews—try the oatmeal stout, it’s amazing.<br />

But the real story is the top notch menu, with not one item that doesn’t<br />

sound absolutely delicious. Though the salads look good, it’s<br />

mainly carnivorous fare—the “Century Burger,” a half-pound of<br />

ground beef on a bologna steak with cheddar, Swiss, provolone &<br />

bacon, sounds like something you could go to hell for eating, but<br />

might be worth it. Great sandwiches are only $6.50 for lunch—screw<br />

the Mainplace Mall food court already. <strong>The</strong> filet mignon dinner special<br />

was fucking great, as well as the garlic mashed potatoes. <strong>The</strong> fish<br />

fry is worth the cardiovascular hit—and it’s available every day!<br />

Apparently, this place gets pretty raucous on the weekends, especially<br />

when there’s a fight on TV. A really great place to eat, especially<br />

when you’re hungry.<br />

Jeers: Jeers: Waitress brought the wrong appetizer—but, to be fair,<br />

the shrimp quesadilla was damn good anyway. Cole slaw was a little<br />

weird. We could barely move after eating all that food and drinking<br />

numerous oatmeal stouts, which would have been a decent lunch by<br />

themselves. No lunch Saturday and Sunday.<br />

Address: 320 Pearl Street<br />

Phone: 853-6322<br />

Asian<br />

Ichi Shogun<br />

NEW!!<br />

$$$<br />

Cheers: God Damn it's good. Wanna melt those panties right off<br />

your date? Sit down with eight of your chums and get ready for<br />

some crazy-ass Iron Chef-style deliciousness. <strong>Beast</strong> reviewers<br />

charmed by Morimoto look-alike chef. He actually said "sesame<br />

disco" as crazy strobe lights came on. <strong>The</strong>n the egg catching began:<br />

this guy started spinning eggs for the fried rice on the grill, tossed<br />

'em around like a Jujitsu king and then caught them on the edge of<br />

his spatula, crackin' those baby chickens onto the grill. Nice. <strong>The</strong><br />

sushi list was long and diverse, a nice counterpoint to the Hibachi<br />

meats we ordered. Get the Emperor's feast with steak and lobster if<br />

you want to be a real man.<br />

Jeers: High sitting-next-to-teens-from-Lockport factor; for a<br />

minute we thought we were at a Chucky Cheese birthday party. Fried<br />

rice debris occasionally blasted off grill into our drinks by onion<br />

volcanoes. Retarded “700 Club” rerun on TV in background.<br />

Address: 7590 Transit Road, Williamsville<br />

Phone: 631-8899<br />

New Manchurian House<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: As the Chinese buffets bloom in the South towns, it’s hard<br />

to believe this simple, unassuming restaurant has held its ground.<br />

We know people who speak of the Manchurian House like others<br />

speak of their alma maters. Located at the busy intersection of<br />

Routes 62, 75 and 391, the inside is surprisingly quiet and tastefully<br />

under-decorated. <strong>The</strong> friendly service is fast and attentive. <strong>The</strong><br />

menu holds all of your favorites (the lemon chicken is ethereal).<br />

<strong>The</strong>y have plenty of lunch specials and gourmet dinner packages.<br />

Take-out is available and speedy.<br />

Jeers: Big picture windows look out upon intersection and Wilson<br />

farms parking lot, but in the right frame of mind, you can pretend<br />

it’s a parking lot in Hong Kong. Located in a well-cared-for plaza, it<br />

is still nondescript, and you may want to blindfold your date ‘til you<br />

get inside.<br />

Address: 16 Pierce Avenue, Hamburg<br />

Phone: 648-7173<br />

Falafel Bar<br />

$<br />

Cheers: Not the most inventive name, but this place is a worthy<br />

successor to the location of the original Pano’s and Edrito’s as a<br />

cheap and tasty chow haven. In addition to pretty great falafel, this<br />

place has all the usual Mediterranean appetizers and wraps, including<br />

souvlaki and impressively non-soggy grape leaves. Finish off<br />

with some authentic baklava if you’ve got the room. We’ve been<br />

waiting for a place like this; it almost makes up for the loss of Edrito’s<br />

from the Elmwood strip.<br />

Jeers: <strong>The</strong> lady who owns this building is prone to ousting successful<br />

businesses for unknown reasons, so don’t get too attached.<br />

Asked for coffee 3 times; never got it. A little sand in the tabouleh<br />

made for one or two distressing bites, but hey, it happens.<br />

Address: 1009 Elmwood Ave<br />

Phone: 884-0444<br />

India Gate<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: Lamb Madrasi and Chicken Masala tried and approved.<br />

Service so nice, you’ll feel ashamed to be a cynic; they stayed<br />

open late just for us. $5.95 lunch buffet special might be the best<br />

lunch deal of any restaurant on Elmwood. Kick-ass Pakoras, excellent<br />

curries, about nine thousand varieties of naan. Distribution<br />

of socialist literature in the doorway hints at hidden, deeply-held<br />

passions under all that obsequious service. Unlike other Indian<br />

lunch buffets, theirs includes dessert, including a fantastic kheer<br />

(rice pudding). Pleasant atmosphere and comfy booth seating.We<br />

frequently see Sabi playing the role of good citizen, sweeping up<br />

refuse on the street outside.<br />

Jeers: Unpopular Ghandi-looking customer seen fasting here on<br />

weekends. Elmwood street traffic tends to lure too many SUVowner<br />

types in here. Somehow we think this place would be<br />

improved by a huge octagonal fishtank.<br />

Address: 1116 Elmwood Avenue<br />

Phone: 886-4000<br />

Indian Clay Oven Restaurant<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: Clay Oven has been serving authentic Indian food for some<br />

20 years. <strong>The</strong> current location is a small and well-lit with a homey<br />

atmosphere. <strong>The</strong> menu is varied and interesting. <strong>The</strong> Chicken Curry<br />

and Beef Vindaloo are delicious and spicy (or mild if you prefer). For<br />

you meatheads that think veggie food is for pussies try the Vegetable<br />

Jalaffrazi. It will knock your socks off and make you wonder why<br />

you’ve wasted so many years clogging your arteries with chunks of<br />

charred barnyard flesh. Friendly and efficient staff often throw in a<br />

little somethin-somethin extra to enhance you dining pleasure.<br />

Excellent Indian beer selection.<br />

Jeers: Cheesy Bus. Mgt. 101 menu introduction is a hilarious bit of<br />

tortured Abu English with the topper being their “flagrant” spices.<br />

Two words to stay away from “homemade cheese.” Near the door there<br />

is a non-functioning display case and counter behind which they<br />

seem to throw all their junk. No hard liquor for you serious drunks.<br />

Address: 3689 Sheridan Drive, Amherst<br />

Phone: 832-1030<br />

Mexican<br />

El Canelo<br />

NEW!!<br />

$<br />

Cheers: BEAST ALERT! <strong>The</strong> ONLY authentic Mexican place in town.<br />

Special "La Casa" dinner was so good we almost shit ourselves, and<br />

not in the bad Mexican restaurant way. Menu absolutely jam-packed<br />

with all kinds of down-home Yucatan yummies, including cheese<br />

enchiladas with actual Mexican cheeses and smothered with stewed<br />

beef tips. Salsa tasted like a kiss from a beautiful Spanish mamasita.<br />

$2 Molson bottles every night. Crazy cooks spew food orders<br />

out in about 5 minutes max. Fun to watch giant boobies and zany<br />

antics from Telemundo shows on TV in corner. Right by the Thruway.<br />

Bottles of hot sauce make Dave's Insanity seem like baby food.<br />

Jeers: Not open 24 hours. Lots of complaining trash from Kaisertown<br />

eating here. If you fear authentic experiences, go get a super<br />

mighty and hurry home before someone talks to you.<br />

Address: 431 Dingens St. (Ogden St. Exit 53), Cheektowaga<br />

Phone: 897-1195<br />

Coyote Cafe<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: When this restaurant first popped up, it was a simple<br />

eatery that made its reputation on great authentic Mexican food.<br />

In recent years, it has expanded to include a bar, which has<br />

expanded itself. After annexing the vacant building next door, the<br />

Coyote Cafe will soon be in the banquet business. For all this attention<br />

to expansion, one might expect the food to suffer. It hasn’t. A<br />

favorite is the flautas: chicken, cheese and spices rolled in tortillas,<br />

fried crisp and served with lettuce and tomato, sour cream and guacamole.<br />

If your entree gets two sides, you can double up on the<br />

house specialty, Sopa de Fideo, billed as “Mexican spaghetti.” No<br />

problemo. Lots of free chips and salsa to ensure you take half your<br />

meal home in a box. Lines out the door most evenings, so reservations<br />

will shave an hour off your wait time.<br />

Jeers: While we’re tempted to use the words “obnoxious,” “irritating,”<br />

and “insane,” we will instead refer to the hostess as “brassy,”<br />

because a lot of people like being cackled at while they eat. Decorations<br />

are getting a little bit “Chi Chi’s”, and I’m not sure why this<br />

place has a gift shop by the front door, while the bar, “Carlos’ Cantina,”<br />

languishes in the rear behind a wall.<br />

Address: 36 Main Street, Hamburg<br />

Phone: 649-1837<br />

Pizza etc.<br />

Jim’s Steakout<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: Unlike other lame-ass greasebucket joints like Mister Pizza,<br />

if the Jim’s Steakout open sign is lit- it’s open! Jim’s for the late<br />

night party crowd is like death and taxes, something you can count<br />

on. Its open until 5am, for God’s sake (and yours!). Many a night<br />

have we closed the bar and stumbled into a nearby location to be<br />

delighted by the smell of food, the look of desperate anticipation in<br />

the eyes of people holding their receipts, and of course the wellmaintained<br />

asses of late night party girls. Sure it’s packed, but where<br />

else are you gonna go?<br />

Jeers: Why isn’t Jim’s Steakout advertising in <strong>The</strong> <strong>Beast</strong>? Where is<br />

the love? And why are their ads so goddamn bad? <strong>The</strong> television<br />

commercials are even worse than their print ads; have you seen this<br />

shit? Lots of grainy, shaky and blurred footage of dilapidated hoagies,<br />

fries, neon signs and questionably hot chicks run over a track of ‘80s<br />

style break beats. Talk about low production values; they seem to<br />

have been conceived by a film student’s stool sample. This reviewer’s<br />

heart would be significantly softened by cash.<br />

Address: Wherever drunks need tacos to drive home with<br />

Phone: <strong>The</strong>re’s 4 of them; look it up or ask a local fatty<br />

Louie’s<br />

$<br />

Cheers: Louie’s delivers. It’s not pizza, and it’s not Chinese, and it<br />

delivers. That alone makes them a great boon to the homebody in<br />

search of variety. Milkshakes, curly-q fries, burgers, dogs, and<br />

sausage sandwiches delivered? Thank you. Broccoli-cheddar poppers<br />

make us happy. Sweet potato fries are more like a dessert than<br />

a side. “Healthy” selections abound, like the portabella sandwich,<br />

grilled chicken, and a tempeh burger which is really pretty good. All<br />

in all, a great place to get food you know you’ll like.<br />

Jeers: BBQ pork rib sandwich is of identical quality to those awful<br />

“McRib”-style truck stop sandwiches. Breaded deepfried zucchini<br />

sticks with Ranch dressing must be the single most unhealthy way<br />

to eat vegetables yet devised—plus they’re mushy.<br />

Address: 470 Elmwood Ave<br />

Phone: 884-0382<br />

Avenue Pizza<br />

$$<br />

Cheers: Easily memorized phone number.<br />

Jeers: Ordered pizza from this place late one night a couple of<br />

weeks ago at the office, because La Nova burned down (we hope<br />

they made a lot of money), and it was tragically undercooked and<br />

mushy. Like idiots, we ordered from them again the next night, and<br />

paid dearly: the subs were just crappy, old and smelly, but edible.<br />

<strong>The</strong> wings, on the other hand, tasted like they’d been basted in piss.<br />

Seriously, we all tried to eat them, but after a couple each we were<br />

just looking at each other like, “what’s wrong with these fucking<br />

wings?” Maybe they were rancid, maybe undercooked, or maybe the<br />

piss thing we mentioned earlier, but it was just wrong. Probably the<br />

only food ever to get thrown out at the <strong>Beast</strong> office. And they forgot<br />

our Coke. Last time we get from this hole; now if only we could<br />

forget the damn phone number. Also largely responsible for the<br />

double-parking nightmare on Elmwood and Utica. Note: this review<br />

only applies to their Elmwood location; we got a really good pie<br />

from the place on Hertel and Delaware the other day and the delivery<br />

guy was a peach.<br />

Address: 502 Elmwood Ave.<br />

Phone: 883-3355<br />

Bruno’s Market Pizzeria<br />

NEW!!<br />

$<br />

Cheers: After long-time casual favorite Giacobbi's Trattoria committed<br />

hare kiri by transforming into the eccentric Eggertsville<br />

Grille, a solid replacement turned up across the street. Bruno's has<br />

quality pizza and pasta, served in a small but clean and bright dining<br />

area. <strong>The</strong> pizza is every bit as good as the over-priced La Nova<br />

fare. Specialty choices include a killer stuffed pepper pizza. <strong>The</strong>y<br />

serve a good assortment of pasta dishes and appetizers that are<br />

primo and ample. Eggplant parmesan and stuffed peppers are two<br />

BEAST favorites.<br />

Jeers: By default a take-out joint because they don't serve alcohol.<br />

Desserts seem kind of an afterthought. <strong>The</strong>y have an ice-cream bar<br />

freezer near the door that shamelessly preys on the underdeveloped<br />

impulse control facility of children, including our publisher’s son.<br />

Address: 1274 Eggert Rd.<br />

Phone: 833-6800<br />

<strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 21

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