Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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CHEAP! ANNOUNCEMENTS You should take out a classified ad in The Beast! Allow 5 minutes to cool before serving I don’t care that it’s “your jam,” if you tell me to “Lean back” one more time, so help me, I will destroy you. Naming your plant Frodo isn’t cute; it’s sad, very sad. From talking with you, I don’t think you know what perineum actually means $ Cash Paid $ For pre-1980 baseball cards & sports memorabilia of any kind. I make house calls. Rick 685-3797 1999 VW Passat Wagon, 107k 5spd, ABS, A/C, Power everything, New rear brake pads and rotors, new front upper control arms. 4 snow tires $6500obo 430- 7172 88 Dodge Ram w/ Cap Runs great! $900/BO Josh Brown 465-8566 ADULT V.H.S. AND D.V.D. FOR SALE $5.00 EACH. FOR LIST WRITE TO: JEFFREY ZANDROW- ICZ 32 VILLAGE VIEW LANCASTER, N.Y. 14086 OR E-MAIL ME at jmmrz@hotmail.com Gemini PT100 Turn Table. Works perfectly! $175/BO Josh Brown 465-8566 Indonesian beach front property. Capitalize on the disastrous tsunami today! 832-8100 Tanning Bed For Sale: 4 yrs. Old Sun Quest stand-up or lay down. New bulbs. $700/bo. Tony 563-3799 HAVE CRAP TO SELL? CALL 856-4355 22 The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 Classifieds FOR SALE ACROSS 1. Business, credit, and index, e.g. 6. NES video game RC _____-Am 9. Mr. Five Freddy 12. “Surreal Life 3” Spanish annoyance 13. Holm or McClellan 14. The only bar lawyers won’t drink at? 15. Ookla The Mok singer/guitarist English 16. Deep Fried’s psycho whaler 18. Goethe’s alchemist, or Mondo’s owner 20. What your wife gets of everything in the divorce, if you’re lucky 21. A hand ball? 24. Source of peyote 26. Mary or Raggedy 27. A small amount 28. Sex, hyper or that thing you try doing while intoxicated, e.g. 31. Kick-ass tattoo shop Madd _____ 33. Takes away forcefully 34. “No, don’t guzzle it, ____ ____! This ain’t Jim Beam, motherfucker, it’s single malt Glenlivet!” 35. Ultra-rare Pokemon (from the Game Boy “Red” & “Blue” editions) 36. The one who “wears the pants” in a gay relationship, which all things considered is probably the least appropriate metaphor for this word 37. Whipping it out in front of an undercover cop is one of these 39. Common chat-room request of an amorous 55-Across 40. Shakespearean expression of tragedy 42. Consumed, and being turned into poop 44. The act of having sex with a 21-Across 46. Money shot, to Li’l Jon 50. Numbered road (abbr.) 51. Utilize 52. Astral or bi 53. Green Lantern Corps home planet 54. “The Beauty Of The Rain” chick Williams 55. People who got 35, 39, & 53-Across without looking PORN: 22 DVDs, 46 mags. $65 /BO. Pat 884-3923 MISC SERVICES REVENGE FOR HIRE Fired? Evicted? Dumped? Cheated on? Feel like your hands are tied? Want to get even? We can help. COVERTSNEAKYGUYS.COM Will do anything for crack. 832-8100 EMPLOYMENT Body Piercers Wanted: Stop in at Adrenalin Rush 3283 Delaware Ave, Kenmore. Must have experience. 1yr. Apprenticeships avail for $1,500. 563-3799 Hair Design Artist Wanted: Must have experience & following. Chair rental also avail. $200/mo. Stop in at 7th Ray Salon & Spa 3283 Delaware Ave, Kenmore. 563-3799 Nail Tech Wanted: Space for rent $150/mo. for busy salon, must have following. 563-3799. 7th Ray Salon & Spa 3283 Delaware Ave, Kenmore. DOWN 1. Measures medication or motorcycle power 2. Band responsible for “Take On Me” 3. ‘80s expression of awesomeness 4. Republican solution to a military personnel problem 5. “Brave New World” mood-altering drug 6. Not at all happy 7. Goes off verbally, in the style of a pre-brainwashed Dennis Miller 8. Blamed for Lennon quitting the band 9. People who think they’re powerless to change anything 10. Cain’s brother 11. John Candy character, or your dinner after a night at the Old Pink 17. 1992 cartoon starring a green space rabbit: “Bucky ______” (another one for the 55-Across crowd...) 19. Crappy computer scanner brand 21. British cigarettes 22. Sign over Christ’s head on the crucifix 23. Recently defunct Buffalo-based hardcore band 25. Reusable type of computer disc 27. Type of South American monkey 29. AV-8 Sea Harrier jets don’t need runways because they have this 30. The ability to read minds 32. Comic book company who did “Grimjack” and “Nexus” (55-Across, I’m looking in your direction...) 33. Land of the setting sun? 35. Deficient, as in an amount or an effort 38. Organization full of 55-Across 39. Where the foot meets the leg 40. Big, round hairdo 41. Kane’s wife, in the WWE 43. 30-Down’s favorite channel? 45. Birth control implant 47. Care to lend one to Caesar? 48. Terminus 49. The power through which the Tao is made manifest, but pluralized because I felt like it... You don’t like it, make your own puzzle Now hiring incompetent morons. Must have own press-on nails and weave. Apply at any area Wilson Farms Tattoo Artist Wanted: Must have experience. 1yr. Apprenticeships avail for $3,500. Stop in at Adrenalin Rush 3283 Delaware Ave, Kenmore. 563-3799 Bring your portfolio! LOST & FOUND LOST: This thing. Call 832- 8100 if you have any information ANONYMOUS CONFESSIONS You know how I’m always talking about the trip I took to Zambia and how much it changed my life-well, I actually never went. I just saw something about it on the Discovery channel. Nice SWMSS, young, tall homeowner in Kenmore. Looking for live-in SWF to share expenses. Maybe more. 400-2055 Solution on page 20 $22..0000 aa lliinnee W ANTED The Beast is looking for new digs. If you have a space that can accommodate around the clock hedonism and debauchery, then we’re your new tenant. Call 856-4355. Smoking & loud music a must PERSONALS White male 51y/o, 5’ 9” slim. Desires female company and enjoys art, music, sports & exercising. Age unimportant. Call Michael @ 895-4406 885566-- 44335555 // ccllaassssiiffiieeddss@@bbuuffffaalloobbeeaasstt..ccoomm ADULT SERVICES ASIAN PARADISE 5’6” 110lb 34C Long Hair Brown eyes. 22 yrs old. In/Out . 818-7396 BUSTY BLONDE Other girls to choose from, in or out 990-3435 DREAMS DO COME TRUE Guaranteed!! 5’1”, 95#, 32b- 23-32, 19yo 602-9809 outcalls EROTIC REDHEAD OUT-CALL ONLY. 465-1410 Free Mustache rides. Females only! Ask for The Tiger. 883-7636 GAY & BI MASSAGES For men. In & out. Properly licensed. $50/hour. By Samuel 881-5055 JACKIE BROWN’S STAG SERVICE Experienced exotic dancers. Cheap rates. Phone (716) 563-5944 PLACE YOUR ADULT ADVERTISEMENT IN THE BEAST CLASSIFIEDS AND RECEIVE 2 FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. WE ARE EXCEPTING TRADE For questions, corrections, or clue suggestions, e-mail Zilla at zmannzilla@juno.com
SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE To whom it may concern: I would like to present you with an idea for your newspaper. I though of a great addition you can add that you can also put on the website to get more popular. What do you think about a ‘Dear Abby’ section? You can get your customers to email to ‘Dear Abby’ any concerns they have and need some advise on, questions they may need answers to, needing advise on family or love life or to just vent. This was VERY popular in PA where I lived at before and gain alot of new customers that looked forward to ‘Dear Abby’ to not only see their answers but others to see what all was written to and from Abby. If you would be interested in it, please contact me and we can go over details about it. Also, I can be contracted so I would not have to be an employee if that works better. Thank you and hope to hear from you. Denise Johnson...Ticonderoga, NY Dear Denise, Keep hoping. WE TOOK ONE WEEK OFF, PEOPLE hey - did the beast fold? this would be horrible horrible news. i need a new issue like a junky needs a fix... –josh Dear Josh, Well, junky? You know what to do. On your knees, bitch! BONE JONES As a loyal reader for a long time, I would have to say that I am a little disconcerted with the fact that I can’t find a new issue of the beast anywhere. I can only assume that something serious has happened (assasination, indefinate vacation at Gitmo, etc.) I’m sure that you are receiving plenty of e-mails and calls from paranoid readers, such as myself, fearing the worst. So is this the end of the only paper worth killing trees for in this city? A response would be nice, or hell, update the website. Throw us a bone Al. We are starving out here. Jeremy Bartlett Dear Jeremy, Consider yourself boned. At least you people are paying attention. Now somebody give us some money. HEY TEACHER, LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE To the editor of The Beast: Joel Miller’s position (Dec. 22, 2004), though well meant, is misguided. Protecting the Constitution is a far more important goal than protecting children at school. This should be clear to more than just journalists fighting for their own rights under the first amendment. Unfortunately, once again, we see school administrators take the cowardly way out. The way that does the most they can do to protect their careers and their standing in the community. By censoring young minds, you lose those young minds. Instead of teaching the need to speak up against hate (crimes and speech of all kinds), you teach the dubious values of hypocrisy and self-promotion. Bright kids can smell bullshit a mile away and City Honors is full of bright kids. It takes courage to teach—courage not to bow down to power while standing for truth. Teaching children not to bow down to outside authority while seeking truth is perhaps the most important mission an educator can aspire to. This goes beyond protecting our Constitution; this gives birth to new generations capable of writing their own new constitutions. The possibility of hated-filled actions being inspired by inflammatory writings in a student-published newspaper pales in comparison to the reality of the potential that is lost when censorship is brought to bear through misapplication of power in the hands of hypocrites. Let us now bring to light the actions of these administrators. Let’s understand the valuable lesson that was tossed aside in their rush to cover their own asses. Bad writing—full of excessive emotion, overwrought ideas—is to be expected of the young person searching to find his of her voice. Bad leadership—full of cowardice and power mongering— should not be allowed to flourish in anyone’s schools. Richard Schultz Dear Richard, Why is it that the only time we get lengthy, coherent arguments from people is when we cover a controversy at a high school? SPELLED “NIETZSCHE’S” RIGHT On a lark, we drove from Rochester to Buffalo this Saturday night just “to hit a couple of bars.” I’ve never really been to Buffalo in all these years, just around it or through it to get somewhere else. We went to Nietzsche’s and in a nearby restaurant I picked up your paper. I find your journalistic style a refreshing departure from the standard. I agree with tears in my eyes that Meet the Family was pathetic, a collection of overused ideas and actors that, if it didn’t leave you feeling empty, you already were fax to[sic] 852-4034 empty. I’m working my way through the Loathsome Americans. Ralph Waldo Emerson said something to the effect that successful art is a thing that presents to the viewer/reader something he already knows but only subconsciously until seeing/reading it in the open - in the work of art. That’s how I felt when I started reading The Beast. I actually once started to write a piece along the lines of “1 beautiful white child...”, but put it aside because I wasn’t sure where I was going or why... And, being in the media business as I am, I have to imagine it’s fairly tough selling advertising for a publication like The Beast. I’d like to at least buy you coffee. How do I subscribe, by check, not credit card? Rich Gardner Dear Rich, It’s usually $26 for six months, but since you write for Rochester’s City Paper, we’re going to have to charge you double. GET HER DRUNK, STUPID “Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it’s at a “ghetto” themed house party. Only available in 22 and 40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?).” Never say never I guess. I garnered new found respect (why I don’t know) from a charter bus full of fellow college classmates on a trip to Chicago when I returned from a party store in Northern Indiana carrying a 6 pack of Colt 45! Not the wisest of choices I admit, but having never seen this swill in a can (I am surprised that the aluminum can could actually take the abuse and resist rusting away) I became immediately intrigued and of course had to have it. The strangest thing was that everyone seemed to want one. I was getting offers left and right asking if they could trade ‘up’ for the Colt 45. Against my better judgment I only traded one away and drank the rest. Needless to say it made the rest of the bus ride interesting and seemed to ‘raise my status’ with my fellow binge drinkers. Just thought you might want to know… Butters sic@buffalobeast.com Butters, Come to think of it, we remember those old Billy Dee Williams commercials where he was backing into his apartment with some fine chocolate honey inside, grinning from ear to ear, always holding a sixer of Colt 45. “Works every time,” he’d say, just before closing the door. Creepy. GOING COASTAL Picked up a Beast on my bi-yearly pilgramage to the Buff to see my family. I currently live in Northern California. Oh, sure, we have our share of indy-politico rags here, but nothing nearly as edgy or funny. I must say, “Christmas in hell!” really warmed my heart and filled me with the holiday spirit. How can I get a sub to your fine publication? BTW, Tell Dr. Rotten his work is needed here. Sean Re Dear Sean, Right. The Pacific Northwest needs advice on growing bud. Next thing you know, the Afghans will be asking us for tips on opium poppy horticulture. BLEDSORE If Ronnie were any DUMBER...he would be drafted by Bills fans to write for their dumbass newspapers! The Bills need 2 things to have a GREAT Team: 1) A BIG CENTER, 2) a third RECEIVER to play in the slot! STONEHANDS Reed just isn’t making it....he’s good enough to add depth! Bledsoe is by far the BEST player on the team! If you IDIOTS don’t “GET IT”, maybe Drew will say “FUCK BUFFALO! (the asshole of the Earth)” You guys will be back in Quarterback HELL where you belong! I’d laugh my ass off if LOSSMAN were your STARTER next season! Well until he broke his legs again! Jrcad Dear Drew, We’re sorry Ronnie hurt your feelings. We know you’re getting to that age when great quarterbacks with nothing to prove decide to retire, but you’re planning on clinging to what you have left. We can’t argue; it’s what we would do if we were being paid millions, too. But please, that’s no reason to lash out at your fellow teammates. Take it easy Drew, you’re a good guy—it’s not like we expected you to win. FAINTING WITH DAMN PRAISE Just got the new issue. Laughed out loud like an idiot the whole bus ride home from work. Still haven’t worked my way through the whole thing. Some bits I carry with me: Switched at Birth (my wife is still a bit speechless....but in a good way); Slappy the Tsunami; The entire “Loathsome List”, but #3 is best. Missed the “Straight Dope,” though. Great paper, Jeff PS: What was the deal with the Christine Skinner letter? It was like it was written on a meth binge. Jeff, What do you mean, “like?” CHEQUE YOURSELF Mr. Uthman, I found your magazine online through a link to your ‘50 Most Loathsome People’ article. Great stuff. However, as a Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in your otherwise insightful ‘O Buffalo’ article: 1) “Liberal” is a noun, not an adjective 2) Ontarians hate french; try the “Beau Fleuve” thing and we’ll sell you to Quebec for an order of poutine 3) Fuck the Sabres, we want the Bills 4) Not even Canadians listen to Celine Dion Sorry, Adam Louis Dear Adam, 1) Words can be nouns and adjectives, silly 2) OK, how about “Hortonsville?” 3) You can have ‘em 4) Someone’s buying that shit, and it ain’t us. LOATHSOME LOVE ... incredible, enviable job on 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004. i could go on for a bit, but i’ll just be a sycophant & say it was more than inspiring. basically, i’ll be drinking to The Buffalo Beast & its future tonight. thanks very much, Shawn Badgley The Austin Chronicle If I’ve seen a better collection of entertaining writing that makes think and laugh...I’m not aware of it. Outstanding!! Tom Wark Hello! Found the article on Blogdex. The most incisive and brilliant thing I’ve read in memory !!! Give that author a raise, better yet, get him a national audience. Congratulations! Best regards, Thomas Griffin, Indianapolis My god, that is some of the funniest stuff I have EVER read. BRILLIANT!!! James Driscoll, Los Angeles Just stumbled on your website via a semi-improbable link at TwoBillsDrive. Read the 50 most loathsome list out loud to my wife, delighting in the scathing wordsmith(s?) at work here — funny as hell, as well as deeply disturbing. We are all, indeed, soaking in it — well done Nicholas Bakay That was awesome. Time to stop soaking in it. Thanks for the list. Susan Hyssen Hi, I just came across your site today, and I haven’t stopped laughing since then. Haven’t been so entertained in a long time. It’s sad, though, that there’s a truth and reality behind all your observations, that “evil-doers” (borrowed Bush saying) like those in power just get away with the utter nonsense they spew out every day. Anyway, keep up the amazing writing, and I’m going to let al my mates know about your site (knowing my luck they already do). Cheers from Scotland. Saleem Priceless. Beautiful, articulate, poignant. I’ll shut up now. FUCKING AWESOME. Eric Ortman Well done! You’ve heard my soul. I’ve passed it one. Excellent piece. Mark Thank you so much for including Colin Quinn in your 50 Most Loathsome Americans list. I was flipping through the channels one night and stumbled across his show on Comedy Central and I couldn’t believe someone gave this guy a show. He couldn’t go one sentence without flubbing his lines. I mean, it was just painful. I almost felt bad for the guy. I always figured they let him read the news on SNL because someone in the back was laughing at his expense. Yet another example of the greatness produced by MTV’s Remote Control. Manzanino hi. brilliant update of the list. one thing you might add - justice thomas is actually asleep for most oral arguments, according to a supreme court reporter who recently gave a talk at harvard law. she said she usually has a good view of the bottom of his chin or the top of his head. cheers, c Dear C, We thought he was into oral. Hmmm…bottom of his chin? Top of his head? Sounds like your lecturer is doing a little arguing of her own, if you know what we mean. (We mean oral sex.) GLARING OMISSIONS wow. awesome work. but where is the rove ? Eliza Pelham Randall I’m shocked to see that Michael Moore didn’t make your list. I think Kerry could have possibly won the election if it wasn’t for Moore. Other than that, I loved your list. Bryce I know O’Reilly is not that important, and that he is probably a moron (and we should not make fun of morons). But I think that it would not be that cruel if you would have considered him for a 49th place or so. I mean, for the pathetic way he hit on that girl, and for telling her shit about his wife and her vibrator… Filipe Castro College Station, Texas Dear insatiable critics, All of these worthy candidates (and Paris Hilton, and Rush Limbaugh) were on previous lists, if it makes you feel better. Guess we just didn’t want to repeat ourselves too much. Alas, there are only 50 slots, when there could be 500. However, if you write a witty, abrasive critique of your nominees and send it to us, we promise to pawn it off as our own work next year. PICKY-NINNY Pick handles? PICK HANDLES? I’m afraid not. Lester Maddox never handed out a pick handle in his disgusting puke of a life. He handed out ax handles. AX HANDLES. See, in the south, they don’t pick. They ax. The ax people directions, they ax you if you’re a goddamned commie liberal from up north, they ax you once to get the fuck back where you belong, then they hand you by your scrotum. But they don’t pick because if they did, they’d pick another life, one not involving living in the south or being who they are. So there. Cleveland Dear Cleveland, Well, actually, it was pick handles. Is there a difference? Anyway, we must object: there are a lot of cool, interesting people in the south. They’re in New Orleans. LOATHSOME HATE From your “50 Most Loathsome People” list: “You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on the internet...” You mean like your little whine-rag? Perhaps you (whoever actually wrote this little cyber tantrum - hard to tell as it doesn’t appear to have a byline) can enumerate any substantive change you’ve ever brought to bear upon the geo-political system you despise, inasmuch as you’re so well-informed and have all this keen insight that you deingrate the brainwashed masses for lacking... Jacob Marley Dear Jacob, Awww, did we touch a nerve? Look, we’re sorry we described you so accurately, but don’t take that to mean that “you” doesn’t include us. If you think that makes us hypocrites, it won’t disturb our sleep patterns. Ps. we bitch all day in print. The BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 23
Page 1 and 2: Controversial Cover Angers Roaches,
Page 3 and 4: Devil in a Blue Dress Nation Deligh
Page 5 and 6: Fuzzy Logic It’s been a big probl
Page 7 and 8: Scores Injured as Landon Clone Ramp
Page 9 and 10: Are You Dyslexic? Gai feae in tod s
Page 11 and 12: WANNA BET? Pats are Sure Thing BByy
Page 13 and 14: SSeeppaarraatteedd aatt bbiirrtthh?
Page 15 and 16: In Good Company ✪ This snoozefest
Page 17 and 18: Saturday February 5th at Showplace
Page 19 and 20: As Divined By Your our Ethereal Gui
Page 21: BEAST EATS Key (for one entree, sid

Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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