Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast
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SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE<br />
To whom it may concern:<br />
I would like to present you with an idea for your newspaper.<br />
I though of a great addition you can add that you can<br />
also put on the website to get more popular. What do you<br />
think about a ‘Dear Abby’ section? You can get your customers<br />
to email to ‘Dear Abby’ any concerns they have and<br />
need some advise on, questions they may need answers to,<br />
needing advise on family or love life or to just vent. This<br />
was VERY popular in PA where I lived at before and gain<br />
alot of new customers that looked forward to ‘Dear Abby’<br />
to not only see their answers but others to see what all was<br />
written to and from Abby.<br />
If you would be interested in it, please contact me and we<br />
can go over details about it. Also, I can be contracted so I<br />
would not have to be an employee if that works better.<br />
Thank you and hope to hear from you.<br />
Denise Johnson...Ticonderoga, NY<br />
Dear Denise,<br />
Keep hoping.<br />
WE TOOK ONE<br />
WEEK OFF, PEOPLE<br />
hey - did the beast fold? this would be horrible horrible<br />
news. i need a new issue like a junky needs a fix... –josh<br />
Dear Josh,<br />
Well, junky? You know what to do. On your knees, bitch!<br />
BONE JONES<br />
As a loyal reader for a long time, I would have to say that I<br />
am a little disconcerted with the fact that I can’t find a new<br />
issue of the beast anywhere. I can only assume that something<br />
serious has happened (assasination, indefinate vacation<br />
at Gitmo, etc.) I’m sure that you are receiving plenty of<br />
e-mails and calls from paranoid readers, such as myself,<br />
fearing the worst. So is this the end of the only paper worth<br />
killing trees for in this city? A response would be nice, or<br />
hell, update the website. Throw us a bone Al. We are starving<br />
out here.<br />
Jeremy Bartlett<br />
Dear Jeremy,<br />
Consider yourself boned. At least you people are paying<br />
attention. Now somebody give us some money.<br />
HEY TEACHER, LEAVE<br />
THEM KIDS ALONE<br />
To the editor of <strong>The</strong> <strong>Beast</strong>:<br />
Joel Miller’s position (Dec. 22, 2004), though well meant, is<br />
misguided. Protecting the Constitution is a far more important<br />
goal than protecting children at school. This should be<br />
clear to more than just journalists fighting for their own<br />
rights under the first amendment.<br />
Unfortunately, once again, we see school administrators<br />
take the cowardly way out. <strong>The</strong> way that does the most<br />
they can do to protect their careers and their standing in the<br />
community. By censoring young minds, you lose those<br />
young minds. Instead of teaching the need to speak up<br />
against hate (crimes and speech of all kinds), you teach the<br />
dubious values of hypocrisy and self-promotion. Bright<br />
kids can smell bullshit a mile away and City Honors is full<br />
of bright kids.<br />
It takes courage to teach—courage not to bow down to<br />
power while standing for truth. Teaching children not to<br />
bow down to outside authority while seeking truth is perhaps<br />
the most important mission an educator can aspire to.<br />
This goes beyond protecting our Constitution; this gives<br />
birth to new generations capable of writing their own new<br />
constitutions. <strong>The</strong> possibility of hated-filled actions being<br />
inspired by inflammatory writings in a student-published<br />
newspaper pales in comparison to the reality of the potential<br />
that is lost when censorship is brought to bear through<br />
misapplication of power in the hands of hypocrites.<br />
Let us now bring to light the actions of these administrators.<br />
Let’s understand the valuable lesson that was tossed aside<br />
in their rush to cover their own asses. Bad writing—full of<br />
excessive emotion, overwrought ideas—is to be expected of<br />
the young person searching to find his of her voice. Bad<br />
leadership—full of cowardice and power mongering—<br />
should not be allowed to flourish in anyone’s schools.<br />
Richard Schultz<br />
Dear Richard,<br />
Why is it that the only time we get lengthy, coherent arguments<br />
from people is when we cover a controversy at a<br />
high school?<br />
SPELLED “NIETZSCHE’S” RIGHT<br />
On a lark, we drove from Rochester to Buffalo this Saturday<br />
night just “to hit a couple of bars.” I’ve never really been to<br />
Buffalo in all these years, just around it or through it to get<br />
somewhere else. We went to Nietzsche’s and in a nearby<br />
restaurant I picked up your paper.<br />
I find your journalistic style a refreshing departure from the<br />
standard. I agree with tears in my eyes that Meet the Family<br />
was pathetic, a collection of overused ideas and actors<br />
that, if it didn’t leave you feeling empty, you already were<br />
fax to[sic] 852-4034<br />
empty. I’m working my way through the Loathsome Americans.<br />
Ralph Waldo Emerson said something to the effect that successful<br />
art is a thing that presents to the viewer/reader<br />
something he already knows but only subconsciously until<br />
seeing/reading it in the open - in the work of art.<br />
That’s how I felt when I started reading <strong>The</strong> <strong>Beast</strong>. I actually<br />
once started to write a piece along the lines of “1 beautiful<br />
white child...”, but put it aside because I wasn’t sure<br />
where I was going or why...<br />
And, being in the media business as I am, I have to imagine<br />
it’s fairly tough selling advertising for a publication like <strong>The</strong><br />
<strong>Beast</strong>.<br />
I’d like to at least buy you coffee. How do I subscribe, by<br />
check, not credit card?<br />
Rich Gardner<br />
Dear Rich,<br />
It’s usually $26 for six months, but since you write for<br />
Rochester’s City Paper, we’re going to have to charge you<br />
double.<br />
GET HER DRUNK, STUPID<br />
“Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it’s<br />
at a “ghetto” themed house party. Only available in 22 and<br />
40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?).”<br />
Never say never I guess. I garnered new found respect<br />
(why I don’t know) from a charter bus full of fellow college<br />
classmates on a trip to Chicago when I returned from a<br />
party store in Northern Indiana carrying a 6 pack of Colt 45!<br />
Not the wisest of choices I admit, but having never seen this<br />
swill in a can (I am surprised that the aluminum can could<br />
actually take the abuse and resist rusting away) I became<br />
immediately intrigued and of course had to have it. <strong>The</strong><br />
strangest thing was that everyone seemed to want one. I<br />
was getting offers left and right asking if they could trade<br />
‘up’ for the Colt 45. Against my better judgment I only<br />
traded one away and drank the rest. Needless to say it<br />
made the rest of the bus ride interesting and seemed to<br />
‘raise my status’ with my fellow binge drinkers.<br />
Just thought you might want to know…<br />
Butters<br />
sic@buffalobeast.com<br />
Butters,<br />
Come to think of it, we remember those old Billy Dee<br />
Williams commercials where he was backing into his apartment<br />
with some fine chocolate honey inside, grinning from<br />
ear to ear, always holding a sixer of Colt 45. “Works every<br />
time,” he’d say, just before closing the door. Creepy.<br />
GOING COASTAL<br />
Picked up a <strong>Beast</strong> on my bi-yearly pilgramage to the Buff to<br />
see my family. I currently live in Northern California. Oh,<br />
sure, we have our share of indy-politico rags here, but nothing<br />
nearly as edgy or funny. I must say, “Christmas in hell!”<br />
really warmed my heart and filled me with the holiday spirit.<br />
How can I get a sub to your fine publication? BTW, Tell<br />
Dr. Rotten his work is needed here.<br />
Sean Re<br />
Dear Sean,<br />
Right. <strong>The</strong> Pacific Northwest needs advice on growing bud.<br />
Next thing you know, the Afghans will be asking us for tips<br />
on opium poppy horticulture.<br />
BLEDSORE<br />
If Ronnie were any DUMBER...he would be drafted by Bills<br />
fans to write for their dumbass newspapers! <strong>The</strong> Bills need<br />
2 things to have a GREAT Team: 1) A BIG CENTER, 2) a third<br />
RECEIVER to play in the slot! STONEHANDS Reed just isn’t<br />
making it....he’s good enough to add depth! Bledsoe is by far<br />
the BEST player on the team! If you IDIOTS don’t “GET IT”,<br />
maybe Drew will say “FUCK BUFFALO! (the asshole of the<br />
Earth)” You guys will be back in Quarterback HELL where<br />
you belong! I’d laugh my ass off if LOSSMAN were your<br />
STARTER next season! Well until he broke his legs again!<br />
Jrcad<br />
Dear Drew,<br />
We’re sorry Ronnie hurt your feelings. We know you’re<br />
getting to that age when great quarterbacks with nothing to<br />
prove decide to retire, but you’re planning on clinging to<br />
what you have left. We can’t argue; it’s what we would do<br />
if we were being paid millions, too. But please, that’s no<br />
reason to lash out at your fellow teammates. Take it easy<br />
Drew, you’re a good guy—it’s not like we expected you to<br />
win.<br />
FAINTING WITH DAMN PRAISE<br />
Just got the new issue. Laughed out loud like an idiot the<br />
whole bus ride home from work. Still haven’t worked my<br />
way through the whole thing. Some bits I carry with me:<br />
Switched at Birth (my wife is still a bit speechless....but in a<br />
good way); Slappy the Tsunami; <strong>The</strong> entire “Loathsome<br />
List”, but #3 is best.<br />
Missed the “Straight Dope,” though.<br />
Great paper,<br />
Jeff<br />
PS: What was the deal with the Christine Skinner letter? It<br />
was like it was written on a meth binge.<br />
Jeff,<br />
What do you mean, “like?”<br />
CHEQUE YOURSELF<br />
Mr. Uthman,<br />
I found your magazine online through a link to your ‘50<br />
Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong>’ article. Great stuff. However, as a<br />
Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in<br />
your otherwise insightful ‘O Buffalo’ article:<br />
1) “Liberal” is a noun, not an adjective<br />
2) Ontarians hate french; try the “Beau Fleuve” thing and<br />
we’ll sell you to Quebec for an order of poutine<br />
3) Fuck the Sabres, we want the Bills<br />
4) Not even Canadians listen to Celine Dion<br />
Sorry,<br />
Adam Louis<br />
Dear Adam,<br />
1) Words can be nouns and adjectives, silly<br />
2) OK, how about “Hortonsville?”<br />
3) You can have ‘em<br />
4) Someone’s buying that shit, and it ain’t us.<br />
LOATHSOME LOVE<br />
... incredible, enviable job on 50 Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong> in<br />
America 2004. i could go on for a bit, but i’ll just be a sycophant<br />
& say it was more than inspiring.<br />
basically, i’ll be drinking to <strong>The</strong> Buffalo <strong>Beast</strong> & its future<br />
tonight.<br />
thanks very much,<br />
Shawn Badgley<br />
<strong>The</strong> Austin Chronicle<br />
If I’ve seen a better collection of entertaining writing that<br />
makes think and laugh...I’m not aware of it.<br />
Outstanding!!<br />
Tom Wark<br />
Hello! Found the article on Blogdex. <strong>The</strong> most<br />
incisive and brilliant thing I’ve read in memory !!! Give that<br />
author a raise, better yet, get him a national audience. Congratulations!<br />
Best regards,<br />
Thomas Griffin, Indianapolis<br />
My god, that is some of the funniest stuff I have EVER<br />
read. BRILLIANT!!!<br />
James Driscoll, Los Angeles<br />
Just stumbled on your website via a semi-improbable link<br />
at TwoBillsDrive. Read the 50 most loathsome list out loud<br />
to my wife, delighting in the scathing wordsmith(s?) at<br />
work here — funny as hell, as well as deeply disturbing.<br />
We are all, indeed, soaking in it — well done<br />
Nicholas Bakay<br />
That was awesome. Time to stop soaking in it.<br />
Thanks for the list.<br />
Susan Hyssen<br />
Hi,<br />
I just came across your site today, and I haven’t stopped<br />
laughing since then. Haven’t been so entertained in a long<br />
time. It’s sad, though, that there’s a truth and reality behind<br />
all your observations, that “evil-doers” (borrowed Bush<br />
saying) like those in power just get away with the utter<br />
nonsense they spew out every day.<br />
Anyway, keep up the amazing writing, and I’m going to let<br />
al my mates know about your site (knowing my luck they<br />
already do).<br />
Cheers from Scotland.<br />
Saleem<br />
Priceless. Beautiful, articulate, poignant. I’ll shut up now.<br />
FUCKING AWESOME.<br />
Eric Ortman<br />
Well done!<br />
You’ve heard my soul. I’ve passed it one.<br />
Excellent piece.<br />
Mark<br />
Thank you so much for including Colin Quinn in your 50<br />
Most Loathsome Americans list. I was flipping through the<br />
channels one night and stumbled across his show on Comedy<br />
Central and I couldn’t believe someone gave this guy a<br />
show. He couldn’t go one sentence without flubbing his<br />
lines. I mean, it was just painful. I almost felt bad for the<br />
guy.<br />
I always figured they let him read the news on SNL because<br />
someone in the back was laughing at his expense.<br />
Yet another example of the greatness produced by MTV’s<br />
Remote Control.<br />
Manzanino<br />
hi. brilliant update of the list. one thing you might add -<br />
justice thomas is<br />
actually asleep for most oral arguments, according to a<br />
supreme court reporter<br />
who recently gave a talk at harvard law. she said she usually<br />
has a good view<br />
of the bottom of his chin or the top of his head.<br />
cheers,<br />
c<br />
Dear C,<br />
We thought he was into oral. Hmmm…bottom of his chin?<br />
Top of his head? Sounds like your lecturer is doing a little<br />
arguing of her own, if you know what we mean. (We mean<br />
oral sex.)<br />
GLARING OMISSIONS<br />
wow. awesome work. but where is the rove ?<br />
Eliza Pelham Randall<br />
I’m shocked to see that Michael Moore didn’t make your<br />
list. I think Kerry could have possibly won the election if it<br />
wasn’t for Moore.<br />
Other than that, I loved your list.<br />
Bryce<br />
I know O’Reilly is not that important, and that he is probably<br />
a moron (and we should not make fun of morons). But<br />
I think that it would not be that cruel if you would have<br />
considered him for a 49th place or so.<br />
I mean, for the pathetic way he hit on that girl, and for<br />
telling her shit about his wife and her vibrator…<br />
Filipe Castro<br />
College Station, Texas<br />
Dear insatiable critics,<br />
All of these worthy candidates (and Paris Hilton, and Rush<br />
Limbaugh) were on previous lists, if it makes you feel better.<br />
Guess we just didn’t want to repeat ourselves too much.<br />
Alas, there are only 50 slots, when there could be 500.<br />
However, if you write a witty, abrasive critique of your<br />
nominees and send it to us, we promise to pawn it off as our<br />
own work next year.<br />
PICKY-NINNY<br />
Pick handles? PICK HANDLES? I’m afraid not. Lester Maddox<br />
never handed out a pick handle in his disgusting puke<br />
of a life. He handed out ax handles. AX HANDLES.<br />
See, in the south, they don’t pick. <strong>The</strong>y ax. <strong>The</strong> ax people<br />
directions, they ax you if you’re a goddamned commie liberal<br />
from up north, they ax you once to get the fuck back<br />
where you belong, then they hand you by your scrotum.<br />
But they don’t pick because if they did, they’d pick another<br />
life, one not involving living in the south or being who<br />
they are. So there.<br />
Cleveland<br />
Dear Cleveland,<br />
Well, actually, it was pick handles. Is there a difference?<br />
Anyway, we must object: there are a lot of cool, interesting<br />
people in the south. <strong>The</strong>y’re in New Orleans.<br />
LOATHSOME HATE<br />
From your “50 Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong>” list:<br />
“You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on<br />
the internet...”<br />
You mean like your little whine-rag?<br />
Perhaps you (whoever actually wrote this little cyber<br />
tantrum - hard to tell as it doesn’t appear to have a byline)<br />
can enumerate any substantive change you’ve ever brought<br />
to bear upon the geo-political system you despise, inasmuch<br />
as you’re so well-informed and have all this keen<br />
insight that you deingrate the brainwashed masses for lacking...<br />
Jacob Marley<br />
Dear Jacob,<br />
Awww, did we touch a nerve? Look, we’re sorry we<br />
described you so accurately, but don’t take that to mean<br />
that “you” doesn’t include us. If you think that makes us<br />
hypocrites, it won’t disturb our sleep patterns. Ps. we bitch<br />
all day in print.<br />
<strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 23