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Controversial Cover Angers Roaches, Old People p.1 - The Beast

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SOUNDS KINDA DERIVATIVE<br />

To whom it may concern:<br />

I would like to present you with an idea for your newspaper.<br />

I though of a great addition you can add that you can<br />

also put on the website to get more popular. What do you<br />

think about a ‘Dear Abby’ section? You can get your customers<br />

to email to ‘Dear Abby’ any concerns they have and<br />

need some advise on, questions they may need answers to,<br />

needing advise on family or love life or to just vent. This<br />

was VERY popular in PA where I lived at before and gain<br />

alot of new customers that looked forward to ‘Dear Abby’<br />

to not only see their answers but others to see what all was<br />

written to and from Abby.<br />

If you would be interested in it, please contact me and we<br />

can go over details about it. Also, I can be contracted so I<br />

would not have to be an employee if that works better.<br />

Thank you and hope to hear from you.<br />

Denise Johnson...Ticonderoga, NY<br />

Dear Denise,<br />

Keep hoping.<br />

WE TOOK ONE<br />

WEEK OFF, PEOPLE<br />

hey - did the beast fold? this would be horrible horrible<br />

news. i need a new issue like a junky needs a fix... –josh<br />

Dear Josh,<br />

Well, junky? You know what to do. On your knees, bitch!<br />

BONE JONES<br />

As a loyal reader for a long time, I would have to say that I<br />

am a little disconcerted with the fact that I can’t find a new<br />

issue of the beast anywhere. I can only assume that something<br />

serious has happened (assasination, indefinate vacation<br />

at Gitmo, etc.) I’m sure that you are receiving plenty of<br />

e-mails and calls from paranoid readers, such as myself,<br />

fearing the worst. So is this the end of the only paper worth<br />

killing trees for in this city? A response would be nice, or<br />

hell, update the website. Throw us a bone Al. We are starving<br />

out here.<br />

Jeremy Bartlett<br />

Dear Jeremy,<br />

Consider yourself boned. At least you people are paying<br />

attention. Now somebody give us some money.<br />

HEY TEACHER, LEAVE<br />

THEM KIDS ALONE<br />

To the editor of <strong>The</strong> <strong>Beast</strong>:<br />

Joel Miller’s position (Dec. 22, 2004), though well meant, is<br />

misguided. Protecting the Constitution is a far more important<br />

goal than protecting children at school. This should be<br />

clear to more than just journalists fighting for their own<br />

rights under the first amendment.<br />

Unfortunately, once again, we see school administrators<br />

take the cowardly way out. <strong>The</strong> way that does the most<br />

they can do to protect their careers and their standing in the<br />

community. By censoring young minds, you lose those<br />

young minds. Instead of teaching the need to speak up<br />

against hate (crimes and speech of all kinds), you teach the<br />

dubious values of hypocrisy and self-promotion. Bright<br />

kids can smell bullshit a mile away and City Honors is full<br />

of bright kids.<br />

It takes courage to teach—courage not to bow down to<br />

power while standing for truth. Teaching children not to<br />

bow down to outside authority while seeking truth is perhaps<br />

the most important mission an educator can aspire to.<br />

This goes beyond protecting our Constitution; this gives<br />

birth to new generations capable of writing their own new<br />

constitutions. <strong>The</strong> possibility of hated-filled actions being<br />

inspired by inflammatory writings in a student-published<br />

newspaper pales in comparison to the reality of the potential<br />

that is lost when censorship is brought to bear through<br />

misapplication of power in the hands of hypocrites.<br />

Let us now bring to light the actions of these administrators.<br />

Let’s understand the valuable lesson that was tossed aside<br />

in their rush to cover their own asses. Bad writing—full of<br />

excessive emotion, overwrought ideas—is to be expected of<br />

the young person searching to find his of her voice. Bad<br />

leadership—full of cowardice and power mongering—<br />

should not be allowed to flourish in anyone’s schools.<br />

Richard Schultz<br />

Dear Richard,<br />

Why is it that the only time we get lengthy, coherent arguments<br />

from people is when we cover a controversy at a<br />

high school?<br />

SPELLED “NIETZSCHE’S” RIGHT<br />

On a lark, we drove from Rochester to Buffalo this Saturday<br />

night just “to hit a couple of bars.” I’ve never really been to<br />

Buffalo in all these years, just around it or through it to get<br />

somewhere else. We went to Nietzsche’s and in a nearby<br />

restaurant I picked up your paper.<br />

I find your journalistic style a refreshing departure from the<br />

standard. I agree with tears in my eyes that Meet the Family<br />

was pathetic, a collection of overused ideas and actors<br />

that, if it didn’t leave you feeling empty, you already were<br />

fax to[sic] 852-4034<br />

empty. I’m working my way through the Loathsome Americans.<br />

Ralph Waldo Emerson said something to the effect that successful<br />

art is a thing that presents to the viewer/reader<br />

something he already knows but only subconsciously until<br />

seeing/reading it in the open - in the work of art.<br />

That’s how I felt when I started reading <strong>The</strong> <strong>Beast</strong>. I actually<br />

once started to write a piece along the lines of “1 beautiful<br />

white child...”, but put it aside because I wasn’t sure<br />

where I was going or why...<br />

And, being in the media business as I am, I have to imagine<br />

it’s fairly tough selling advertising for a publication like <strong>The</strong><br />

<strong>Beast</strong>.<br />

I’d like to at least buy you coffee. How do I subscribe, by<br />

check, not credit card?<br />

Rich Gardner<br />

Dear Rich,<br />

It’s usually $26 for six months, but since you write for<br />

Rochester’s City Paper, we’re going to have to charge you<br />

double.<br />

GET HER DRUNK, STUPID<br />

“Colt 45: Everyone needs to try this at least once, even if it’s<br />

at a “ghetto” themed house party. Only available in 22 and<br />

40 oz. containers (would it be any other way?).”<br />

Never say never I guess. I garnered new found respect<br />

(why I don’t know) from a charter bus full of fellow college<br />

classmates on a trip to Chicago when I returned from a<br />

party store in Northern Indiana carrying a 6 pack of Colt 45!<br />

Not the wisest of choices I admit, but having never seen this<br />

swill in a can (I am surprised that the aluminum can could<br />

actually take the abuse and resist rusting away) I became<br />

immediately intrigued and of course had to have it. <strong>The</strong><br />

strangest thing was that everyone seemed to want one. I<br />

was getting offers left and right asking if they could trade<br />

‘up’ for the Colt 45. Against my better judgment I only<br />

traded one away and drank the rest. Needless to say it<br />

made the rest of the bus ride interesting and seemed to<br />

‘raise my status’ with my fellow binge drinkers.<br />

Just thought you might want to know…<br />

Butters<br />

sic@buffalobeast.com<br />

Butters,<br />

Come to think of it, we remember those old Billy Dee<br />

Williams commercials where he was backing into his apartment<br />

with some fine chocolate honey inside, grinning from<br />

ear to ear, always holding a sixer of Colt 45. “Works every<br />

time,” he’d say, just before closing the door. Creepy.<br />

GOING COASTAL<br />

Picked up a <strong>Beast</strong> on my bi-yearly pilgramage to the Buff to<br />

see my family. I currently live in Northern California. Oh,<br />

sure, we have our share of indy-politico rags here, but nothing<br />

nearly as edgy or funny. I must say, “Christmas in hell!”<br />

really warmed my heart and filled me with the holiday spirit.<br />

How can I get a sub to your fine publication? BTW, Tell<br />

Dr. Rotten his work is needed here.<br />

Sean Re<br />

Dear Sean,<br />

Right. <strong>The</strong> Pacific Northwest needs advice on growing bud.<br />

Next thing you know, the Afghans will be asking us for tips<br />

on opium poppy horticulture.<br />

BLEDSORE<br />

If Ronnie were any DUMBER...he would be drafted by Bills<br />

fans to write for their dumbass newspapers! <strong>The</strong> Bills need<br />

2 things to have a GREAT Team: 1) A BIG CENTER, 2) a third<br />

RECEIVER to play in the slot! STONEHANDS Reed just isn’t<br />

making it....he’s good enough to add depth! Bledsoe is by far<br />

the BEST player on the team! If you IDIOTS don’t “GET IT”,<br />

maybe Drew will say “FUCK BUFFALO! (the asshole of the<br />

Earth)” You guys will be back in Quarterback HELL where<br />

you belong! I’d laugh my ass off if LOSSMAN were your<br />

STARTER next season! Well until he broke his legs again!<br />

Jrcad<br />

Dear Drew,<br />

We’re sorry Ronnie hurt your feelings. We know you’re<br />

getting to that age when great quarterbacks with nothing to<br />

prove decide to retire, but you’re planning on clinging to<br />

what you have left. We can’t argue; it’s what we would do<br />

if we were being paid millions, too. But please, that’s no<br />

reason to lash out at your fellow teammates. Take it easy<br />

Drew, you’re a good guy—it’s not like we expected you to<br />

win.<br />

FAINTING WITH DAMN PRAISE<br />

Just got the new issue. Laughed out loud like an idiot the<br />

whole bus ride home from work. Still haven’t worked my<br />

way through the whole thing. Some bits I carry with me:<br />

Switched at Birth (my wife is still a bit speechless....but in a<br />

good way); Slappy the Tsunami; <strong>The</strong> entire “Loathsome<br />

List”, but #3 is best.<br />

Missed the “Straight Dope,” though.<br />

Great paper,<br />

Jeff<br />

PS: What was the deal with the Christine Skinner letter? It<br />

was like it was written on a meth binge.<br />

Jeff,<br />

What do you mean, “like?”<br />

CHEQUE YOURSELF<br />

Mr. Uthman,<br />

I found your magazine online through a link to your ‘50<br />

Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong>’ article. Great stuff. However, as a<br />

Canadian, I feel the need to point out a few factual errors in<br />

your otherwise insightful ‘O Buffalo’ article:<br />

1) “Liberal” is a noun, not an adjective<br />

2) Ontarians hate french; try the “Beau Fleuve” thing and<br />

we’ll sell you to Quebec for an order of poutine<br />

3) Fuck the Sabres, we want the Bills<br />

4) Not even Canadians listen to Celine Dion<br />

Sorry,<br />

Adam Louis<br />

Dear Adam,<br />

1) Words can be nouns and adjectives, silly<br />

2) OK, how about “Hortonsville?”<br />

3) You can have ‘em<br />

4) Someone’s buying that shit, and it ain’t us.<br />

LOATHSOME LOVE<br />

... incredible, enviable job on 50 Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong> in<br />

America 2004. i could go on for a bit, but i’ll just be a sycophant<br />

& say it was more than inspiring.<br />

basically, i’ll be drinking to <strong>The</strong> Buffalo <strong>Beast</strong> & its future<br />

tonight.<br />

thanks very much,<br />

Shawn Badgley<br />

<strong>The</strong> Austin Chronicle<br />

If I’ve seen a better collection of entertaining writing that<br />

makes think and laugh...I’m not aware of it.<br />

Outstanding!!<br />

Tom Wark<br />

Hello! Found the article on Blogdex. <strong>The</strong> most<br />

incisive and brilliant thing I’ve read in memory !!! Give that<br />

author a raise, better yet, get him a national audience. Congratulations!<br />

Best regards,<br />

Thomas Griffin, Indianapolis<br />

My god, that is some of the funniest stuff I have EVER<br />

read. BRILLIANT!!!<br />

James Driscoll, Los Angeles<br />

Just stumbled on your website via a semi-improbable link<br />

at TwoBillsDrive. Read the 50 most loathsome list out loud<br />

to my wife, delighting in the scathing wordsmith(s?) at<br />

work here — funny as hell, as well as deeply disturbing.<br />

We are all, indeed, soaking in it — well done<br />

Nicholas Bakay<br />

That was awesome. Time to stop soaking in it.<br />

Thanks for the list.<br />

Susan Hyssen<br />

Hi,<br />

I just came across your site today, and I haven’t stopped<br />

laughing since then. Haven’t been so entertained in a long<br />

time. It’s sad, though, that there’s a truth and reality behind<br />

all your observations, that “evil-doers” (borrowed Bush<br />

saying) like those in power just get away with the utter<br />

nonsense they spew out every day.<br />

Anyway, keep up the amazing writing, and I’m going to let<br />

al my mates know about your site (knowing my luck they<br />

already do).<br />

Cheers from Scotland.<br />

Saleem<br />

Priceless. Beautiful, articulate, poignant. I’ll shut up now.<br />

FUCKING AWESOME.<br />

Eric Ortman<br />

Well done!<br />

You’ve heard my soul. I’ve passed it one.<br />

Excellent piece.<br />

Mark<br />

Thank you so much for including Colin Quinn in your 50<br />

Most Loathsome Americans list. I was flipping through the<br />

channels one night and stumbled across his show on Comedy<br />

Central and I couldn’t believe someone gave this guy a<br />

show. He couldn’t go one sentence without flubbing his<br />

lines. I mean, it was just painful. I almost felt bad for the<br />

guy.<br />

I always figured they let him read the news on SNL because<br />

someone in the back was laughing at his expense.<br />

Yet another example of the greatness produced by MTV’s<br />

Remote Control.<br />

Manzanino<br />

hi. brilliant update of the list. one thing you might add -<br />

justice thomas is<br />

actually asleep for most oral arguments, according to a<br />

supreme court reporter<br />

who recently gave a talk at harvard law. she said she usually<br />

has a good view<br />

of the bottom of his chin or the top of his head.<br />

cheers,<br />

c<br />

Dear C,<br />

We thought he was into oral. Hmmm…bottom of his chin?<br />

Top of his head? Sounds like your lecturer is doing a little<br />

arguing of her own, if you know what we mean. (We mean<br />

oral sex.)<br />

GLARING OMISSIONS<br />

wow. awesome work. but where is the rove ?<br />

Eliza Pelham Randall<br />

I’m shocked to see that Michael Moore didn’t make your<br />

list. I think Kerry could have possibly won the election if it<br />

wasn’t for Moore.<br />

Other than that, I loved your list.<br />

Bryce<br />

I know O’Reilly is not that important, and that he is probably<br />

a moron (and we should not make fun of morons). But<br />

I think that it would not be that cruel if you would have<br />

considered him for a 49th place or so.<br />

I mean, for the pathetic way he hit on that girl, and for<br />

telling her shit about his wife and her vibrator…<br />

Filipe Castro<br />

College Station, Texas<br />

Dear insatiable critics,<br />

All of these worthy candidates (and Paris Hilton, and Rush<br />

Limbaugh) were on previous lists, if it makes you feel better.<br />

Guess we just didn’t want to repeat ourselves too much.<br />

Alas, there are only 50 slots, when there could be 500.<br />

However, if you write a witty, abrasive critique of your<br />

nominees and send it to us, we promise to pawn it off as our<br />

own work next year.<br />

PICKY-NINNY<br />

Pick handles? PICK HANDLES? I’m afraid not. Lester Maddox<br />

never handed out a pick handle in his disgusting puke<br />

of a life. He handed out ax handles. AX HANDLES.<br />

See, in the south, they don’t pick. <strong>The</strong>y ax. <strong>The</strong> ax people<br />

directions, they ax you if you’re a goddamned commie liberal<br />

from up north, they ax you once to get the fuck back<br />

where you belong, then they hand you by your scrotum.<br />

But they don’t pick because if they did, they’d pick another<br />

life, one not involving living in the south or being who<br />

they are. So there.<br />

Cleveland<br />

Dear Cleveland,<br />

Well, actually, it was pick handles. Is there a difference?<br />

Anyway, we must object: there are a lot of cool, interesting<br />

people in the south. <strong>The</strong>y’re in New Orleans.<br />

LOATHSOME HATE<br />

From your “50 Most Loathsome <strong>People</strong>” list:<br />

“You think you’re an activist because you bitch all day on<br />

the internet...”<br />

You mean like your little whine-rag?<br />

Perhaps you (whoever actually wrote this little cyber<br />

tantrum - hard to tell as it doesn’t appear to have a byline)<br />

can enumerate any substantive change you’ve ever brought<br />

to bear upon the geo-political system you despise, inasmuch<br />

as you’re so well-informed and have all this keen<br />

insight that you deingrate the brainwashed masses for lacking...<br />

Jacob Marley<br />

Dear Jacob,<br />

Awww, did we touch a nerve? Look, we’re sorry we<br />

described you so accurately, but don’t take that to mean<br />

that “you” doesn’t include us. If you think that makes us<br />

hypocrites, it won’t disturb our sleep patterns. Ps. we bitch<br />

all day in print.<br />

<strong>The</strong> BEAST, January 26-February 9, 2005 23

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