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THE
SEX FACTOR
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THe fiT and sexy gay mag
issUe #130 sUmmeR 2012
Holiday fun
Get ready to rumble
Body image
Does your body matter?
Positive sex
The REAL sex life of
a positive guy
CRUISING
FOR SEX
+ exclusive:
We interview
the Queen!
sort it out: “i
don’t care if
i get HiV.”

The more men you have, the more likely you’ll pick up an STI.
So go for a check-up at least once every six months. For you. For him. For peace of mind.
To find your nearest clinic go to clinicfinder.org.uk

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Summer, sex and feedback!
Hello and welcome to our ‘Sex Issue’. Well, you could argue that
every issue is the sex issue but this time we’ve added more kick
ass content to sex up your summer.
A big thank you to everyone who has emailed us with your
feedback on this magazine. All the emails, tweets and Facebook
posts are being collected and shown to the people who fund
this magazine. There is a huge chance that FS may not be
around for much longer. A sad thought, but with your help we
can hopefully prevent this.
We need YOU to fill in a survey.
If you have read an article in FS and said to yourself
“I didn’t know that”, or if one of our articles ever changed how
you behave sexually, or if this magazine has changed your life
in any way, shape or form then please complete this survey.
You can find the survey at www.gmfa.org.uk/fssurvey.
Brought to you by
Funded by the Pan London
You can still give us feedback on this issue via our Facebook
page (www.facebook.com/fsmag) or tweet us with your
comments (@FSmagazineUK).
HIV Prevention Programme Ian Howley, Editor. Tweet Me: @IanHowley
www.gmfa.org.uk |3

LLGS.org.uk
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elp us ccontinue
ontinue tto
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unity y bby
bby
y DONA DONATING TING or JOINING OUR
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war ard d
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Reg. . No. N . 29 296193 Registered R in England.

Atlaspix / Shutterstock.com
! UPFRONT
FS for a queen
We were quite honoured when we got the nod to sit down with the Queen* for a natter and a
cuppa to celebrate Her Majesty’s 60 years in power. But we were slightly alarmed when she
kept coughing and pouring a see-through substance into her tea.
Q. Your Majesty, you're in your
Diamond Jubilee year. How does it
feel to be still ruling the country?
Quite frankly, one is pleased to be
still the top queen in this country.
Q. What has been your greatest
achievement since you became the
Queen? Getting Brian May to play
the national anthem on one’s roof.
Q. Who do you really want to take
over from you when you kick the
bucket? The line of succession is set
dear, but failing that one would
rather like to see Phillip Schofield in
a crown.
Q. What are your thoughts on
Camilla becoming the next queen?
It’s not Camilla one is worrying
about. Have you seen the Prince of
Wales?! Little wonder he’s started
moonlighting as a weatherman.
Q. Who is your favourite, Harry or
William? A grandmother doesn’t
have favourites, dear. But Harry.
Q. What do you REALLY think of
Kate? Well, as Mrs “please call me
Carole” Middleton likes to remind
one, she’s a lovely girl.
Q. Like us, you're basically a Twitter
addict. Do you ever ‘drunk tweet’?
Does one ever not drunk tweet?
Q. You currently don't follow anyone
on Twitter. Will you follow us? One is
a leader, not a follower.
Q. Lots of gay people love you. Do
you wish any of your family was
gay? One’s not the only queen in
this household.
Q. The Voice or Britain's Got Talent?
One’s rather partial to The Voice,
mainly because the Queen of the
Netherlands has something of a soft
spot for Tom Jones and likes to
receive text updates on his
appearance. Britain may have talent,
although one’s reasonably sure that
Amanda Holden does not.
Q. What album are you currently
listening to? Queen’s Greatest Hits.
Q. You're getting on a bit now. How
do you keep yourself healthy? A
daily Royal Martini (three parts gin,
one part gin, dash of gin).
Q. As you know FS does a lot
around gay men's sexual health.
What's your message to our
readers? Keep yourself safe. No one
likes a reckless queen.
Q. Will you come to FS HQ and get
drunk with us? We'll have plenty of
gin for you. Make one’s a double.
Gin O’Clock...
l Check out the
amazingly funny and
best-selling ‘Gin
O’Clock’. Her
Majesty’s book is
available to buy on
Amazon and at all
leading bookstores.
l Follow the Queen on Twitter -
@Queen_Uk and on
Facebook.com/royalginoclock.
*Obviously not the real one.
www.gmfa.org.uk |5

*
Stop! Holiday time...
If you are lucky enough to be going on holiday this summer, here’s some quick
advice from Dr. Seán Cassidy to make sure you are ready to rumble.
Getting set
It makes sense to do a bit of advance
planning before you jet off to sunnier
climes. If you’re travelling outside the
EU, you might need vaccinations or
antimalarial tablets and this needs to
be arranged at least six weeks in
advance. Check with your GP or local
travel clinic who will be able to advise
you on what you need. Don’t leave
without ensuring you have adequate
travel insurance, just in case the worst
happens.
Fun in the sun
While most of us love the idea of
catching some rays on the beach, be
careful you don’t overdo it. Always
apply sunscreen before you go out –
you’ll need a sunscreen with an SPF
of at least 15, but you might need up
to SPF 40 for the first couple of days,
depending on your skin type. Try to
avoid the sun between 11am and 3pm
and slap a hat and sunglasses on. If
you do get burnt, apply some
aftersun cream and stay out of the
sun until the redness has settled.
Appetite for destruction
Traveller’s diarrhoea is one of the
most common illnesses for
holiday-makers, but there are a few
easy steps to avoid it. Don’t drink
local tap water if you’re not used to it,
use bottled water where possible and
say no to ice cubes in drinks. Stick to
restaurants where you know the food
will be cooked in a hygienic
environment, and if you decide to try
some street food make sure any meat
is cooked the whole way through. If
you do develop diarrhoea or
vomiting, seek medical attention if
your symptoms last more than 24
hours, as there’s a chance you could
be dehydrated.
Get ready to party
While you’re away you’ll want to
sample the nightlife on offer, but there
are dangers for the Brit abroad.
Letting your hair down and going a bit
6|
HealtH
crazy is part of being on holiday, but
just remember that you can still catch
STIs, including HIV. In many countries
there are no standardised measures
for alcohol so that cheeky G&T might
actually be a double or even a treble!
If you take recreational drugs, be
careful about what you’re taking as
the effects might be stronger than
you’re used to. Make sure you stick
with your friends and if in doubt, just
say no!
Pack condoms and lube
A bit of holiday nookie is high on
the ‘to do’ list of most gay boys.
But finding condoms in a foreign
country can be difficult and
depending where you are, you don’t
know if they are going to be any
good or not. Make sure you bring
plenty along. Packing polyurethane
condoms like Durex Avanti or
Pasante Unique, means that you
don’t have to use water- or
silicone-based lube. You can use
whatever you have handy even
if it has oil in it. Unique come in a
handy three pack shaped like a
credit card. To buy
low-cost condoms online visit
www.freedoms-shop.nhs.uk. And if
you buy latex condoms, don’t forget
the lube.
Back to reality
Just because you’re back in drizzly
Britain doesn’t mean the holiday
blues can’t still bite. Don’t ignore any
symptoms you might develop upon
your return, as there are plenty of
bugs that can plague you for weeks
and months afterwards. If you
develop diarrhoea, vomiting, fevers
or a rash then always get this checked
out by your GP, or call NHS Direct on
0845 46 47.
Finally, and most importantly –
ENJOY YOURSELF! And send us a
postcard.
l Tweet me: @Dr_SeanC
Pavel Isakov/Shutterstock.com
Summer
Take condoms and lube
Even if you don’t plan to fuck at
the cruising area, you might
change your mind in the heat of
the moment. If you haven’t got
any condoms and lube, other guys
may be happy to spare some.
Wear someThing suiTable
Don’t wear expensive gear or a
new pair of shoes. The ground
may be muddy and if it’s dark you
may not be able to see where
you’re walking. Put your keys,
money and anything else you
don’t want to lose in a secure,
zipped pocket.
leave valuables aT home
You won’t need your credit cards
or a lot of cash. If you take your

Cruising
phone, put it in silent mode and keep
it out of sight. Don’t walk around
checking Grindr on your new
smartphone. Not only will you be
advertising it to potential
pickpockets, but you may not notice
if guys are cruising you.
geT To knoW The area
If you don’t already know the area
well, walk around and check it out
when you get there – especially if it’s
likely to be dark by the time you
leave. Find out where the exits are
and where any paths lead to. It’s a
good idea to stay fairly close to
where most guys are concentrated.
be clear abouT WhaT you WanT
Even once you’ve hooked up with
someone, there may not be much
verbal communication. However you
can’t expect him to read your mind.
If you’re confident and make it clear
what you want, the chances are he’ll
be more relaxed too. If you want to
fuck him, tell him – or take out a
condom – and see how he reacts. If
you want to get fucked, he’ll
definitely get the message if you put
a condom on his cock.
keep clear of Trouble
There may be occasions when you
need to refuse unwanted advances
or find yourself in a difficult
situation. Try to avoid confrontation,
but be prepared to raise your voice
or push someone away if they
continue trying to do something after
you’ve said no.
If you’re the victim of a crime, like
theft, assault or homophobic abuse,
or if you witness something
HealtH & aDVICe
Letting your
hair down and
going a bit crazy
is part of being on
holiday, but just
remember that
you can still
catch STIs.
When the weather gets warmer, a lot of guys fancy some outdoor fun.
Here are a few handy hints if you like a bit of al fresco cruising.
happening, you might feel reluctant
to go to the police in case you get
asked why you were there. In fact,
it’s not against the law to go to a
cruising area or even to have
consenting sex with someone
there, as long as you can’t be seen
by other people who might be
offended. If you don’t want to
contact the local police, you can
report an incident by calling
Galop’s helpline on 020 7704 2040
or through their website
www.galop.org.uk. They can liaise
with the poilce and you can remain
anonymous if you wish.
l For more info, check out
GMFA’s ‘Cruising’ booklet
www.gmfa.org.uk/cruising.
www.gmfa.org.uk |7

Does your behaviour
feel out of control?
Can’t have a good time without drugs or alcohol?
Wanting a relationship, but can’t stop having anonymous sex?
Can’t have sex without being high?
If so, we may be able to help.
FREE 8 week group programmes for gay & bisexual men to
address addictive behaviour patterns. Evenings 6.00pm - 8.30pm
in Central London, including two Saturdays.
For more information or to book your place,
please telephone Brian Wood on 0207 812 1516
Charity no 288527 (England and Wales) and SCO39986 (Scotland).
Funded by the Pan-London HIV Prevention Programme.

kristian+LiFE
The real sex life of a
positive person
“We forgot the condoms,” said my
boyfriend as we unpacked our cases
ready for a dirty weekend in Ireland. It
had been a late night, an early start for
the airport, and after a horrible week at
work, neither of us had particularly
been in the mood to pay more than
lip-service to the vagaries of holiday
packing. We’d barely remembered our
passports.
Palms on foreheads, we looked at
each other in disbelief. “How the hell
could we forget the condoms?” I said
“That’s the first thing we need to pack
when we go away!”
You see, I have HIV, and he doesn’t.
And we like sex. So it’s a bit of a
problem when we forget to pack
condoms for a weekend in the middle
of nowhere.
Now, there may be more than one
way to skin a cat, but there’s only one
way to skin a cock, so a lack of latex
put paid to certain ‘activities’. But I
guess that’s the wonderful thing about
gay sex. You have two cocks, two
mouths and four hands. Let’s just say
we coped.
Since contracting HIV, I’ve had to
learn a bit about
responsibility and
honesty. As the
positive partner of a
negative man, I feel
a responsibility to
protect him. It’s
only natural when
you love
someone. But,
while we enforce
a condoms
everytime policy
with sex, there also
has to be acceptance
on both sides, and
we’ve had to find a sort of
peace with the fact that he
may end up with it one day, despite
how careful we are.
Relationships aside, if I were single
I’d be taking the same approach.
Like 99% of gay men in their 30s,
I’ve had a fair amount of sex. OK, I’ve
had a lot of sex. And a lot of sexual
partners. I’ve had sex as an
HIV-negative man and I’ve had sex as
“Like 99%
of gay men in
their 30s, I’ve had
a fair amount of sex.
OK, I’ve had a lot
of sex. And a lot
of sexual
partners.”
an
HIV-positive
man, with
people from
both ends of
the spectrum.
And yes, I’ve
barebacked
with positive
guys. Ooh,
controversial.
Positive guys
bareback with each
other all the time.
Everyone knows that. And while
HIV isn’t the only disease people
should worry about, I’m a grown man,
which gives me the luxury of making
decisions for myself. The cards were
on the table on both sides and we
made a decision. For the record, I
never have and never will bareback
with a negative guy.
So, apart from the rule of ‘never go
in without a skin’, I’d say my sex life is
pretty normal. Sorry for anyone who
was hoping for an earth-shattering
revelation.
Some of it has been great, some
of it good, some OK and
some of it has been pretty
bloody awful, to be
honest. I’ve had
bottles of poppers
fall on my head,
cramp in my foot,
a knee or two in
the bollocks. I’ve
settled in for a
long session only
to cum in 30
seconds, and there
have been other
times when I couldn’t
cum if you were
holding a gun to my head.
“It amazes me that issues
of gay/straight/bi still resonate,” wrote
Richard Fairbrass in the 23 April
edition of the Evening Standard, in
response to the public reaction to
Jessie J’s supposed ‘lesbian cover-up’.
“Sometimes even gay sex can be
pretty rubbish. It might help diffuse the
curiosity and exoticism around the
subject if more people knew this!”
Well, let’s face it. He has a
point, and when it
comes to the sex
lives of positive
people, even the
gay community
can be pretty
short sighted
at times.
There’s a fair
amount of
prejudice. Any
of these sound
familiar?
“He has HIV,
which must
mean he’s a dirty
bottom slut who
only cares about
getting the next cock up
him.” or “I wouldn’t go near
him, he’s riddled”.
Judgements aside, there’s a pretty
serious awareness issue going on, too,
and it’s not because of a lack of
available information. Did I get HIV
because I’m promiscuous? Nope. I got
HIV because I was naïve.
And in the same way we’ve all been
grilled by our tipsy, straight colleagues
in the pub about our sex lives and
relationships “Who’s the ‘woman’?”
“Do you wear leather?” There is a
certain ‘exoticism’ around sex with
positive guys. “How does it work?”
I’ve been asked. “What are the risks?”
People are curious. They want to know
more, but they’re embarrassed to ask.
Gay sex is great. It’s sticky, sweaty,
dirty, loving, hard, soft and heart
poundingly wonderful. And it’s no
different when you’re positive. I’ve had
sex that makes you see stars and the
kind that has you praying for it to be
over. Sometimes in the same night.
Everyone likes a touch of the enigma,
the risk of being caught, the thrill of
anonymity, or a new cock to play with.
It’s why we initially seek out sex in all
its forms. But, positive or negative,
and whatever kind of sex you enjoy,
should you ever sacrifice honesty and
self-respect for a good time? Think
about it.
l Kristian Johns is an author and
former editor who now runs his own
copywriting agency. His first full-length
novel is due out in 2012. You can catch
his personal musings at his blog,
www.sexdrugsandsausagerolls.com
and on Twitter, @guy_interruptd.
www.gmfa.org.uk |9

Needy
LifestyLe
or Greedy?
Are you HAviNG
Too MucH Sex?
Words by Simon Gage. Tweet me: @simonjhgage
Sex is a good thing. A very good thing. Let’s just make that clear before we even start.
As Kate Bush once said, “It’s good for the blood circulation, good for releasing the tension,
the root of our reincarnation”. Not quite sure about that last one, but there’s no beating a good
sex life for keeping you happy and healthy. It’s even good for the prostate...
It’s also a great way to connect with
someone, an outlet for expressing
how you really feel (sex with
someone you love and trust is a
unique way of really letting go) and,
you know, just nice. We wouldn’t all
be thinking about it every seven
seconds, or whatever that statistic
is, if it weren’t.
So, why do so many of us have
sex we don’t really want with people
we don’t really like and then feel
terrible about it and about ourselves
afterwards? There are many reasons.
Probably the main reason a lot of
us feel bad about ourselves after
sex, especially sex with someone
we don’t really know, is that we’ve
been taught to. Sex, we’ve had
drummed into us, is only for the
married and the straight and the
beautiful. Never mind that sex is a
perfectly normal human function –
like eating and sleeping and weeing
and pooing – religions have always
tried to control us through it: you
can only have it at a certain age,
with a certain person, under certain
circumstances that may or may not
10|
involve a hole in a sheet after a
certain ceremony where your
parents (who may well have lopped
the end off your penis, just to
remind you they were there first)
are there to give their consent.
As a gay man living in the modern
world, you may think you have left
all that behind. Laughed at it. Maybe
over drinks with someone you’re not
married to who you’re just about to
have sex with. But it’s there in the
culture and in the back of your mind
and it might – might – just be one of
the reasons you feel bad after a hot
sex session. Those religious types
know that if they get their hands on
your tender brain early enough,
those thoughts will be there forever.
It will be your life’s work shaking
them. But that’s not what we’re
talking about here.
We are talking about those gay
men – maybe you! – who find
themselves on a treadmill of sex,
always chasing the next shag and
moving on to the one after that as
soon as it’s been had. Nothing
wrong with that, you might be
saying. A heavily populated sex life
is perfectly acceptable, especially
among us open-minded gay men,
whether that cast of thousands is
present in the same room at the
same time or dealt with
consecutively in small groups or
one-on-ones. If you’re happy
slagging your arse around town
(around the world in some cases)
with the help of some iPhone apps
and ‘dating’ websites and are
keeping it safe with requisite
condoms and lashings of lube, then
we raise our glasses to you. More
power to your elbows and other
body parts if you are happy with
that situation and it makes you feel
fulfilled and content and good about
yourself.
But do you ever wonder if this
‘next, next, next’ style of sex life
you’ve created for yourself is really
what you want? Or is it a symptom
of something wrong with your life?
Here are some of the reasons your
fabulously well-attended sex life
might not be making you as
happy as you think it should.
t

cover story
“Why
do so many of
us have sex we
don’t really want with
people we don’t really
like and then feel
terrible about it and
about ourselves
afterwards?”
www.gmfa.org.uk |11

12|
“Yes, you
might get your
heart broken if you
fall in love with
someone, but how
lovely is it to be
in love!”

1. You don’t want to be hurt
You know how it is when you have
your heart broken. We don’t need to
go into that here but you know how
you make those resolutions that it
will never EVER happen again.
You’re going to be a new person,
someone who doesn’t get hurt. And
the best way to keep your heart out
of harm’s way is not to get too
involved with any one person. If you
spread your charms and your seed
as far and as wide as you can then
you make it difficult to become
attached to anyone. And if you don’t
become attached to anyone then
you can’t be hurt by them.
Some guys take this to extremes
and have a ‘one time only’ rule, by
which they only allow themselves to
have sex with someone once. There
are no dates. Friendship and sex are
kept separate and the boffing – no
matter how good it turns out to be –
may never happen again.
That’s all very well, you might say.
There are plenty of fish in the sea
and all that, but you have to be in it
to win it and if you are avoiding
proper connections with guys just
because you don’t want to get hurt,
then you are ultimately putting
yourself out of the possibility of real
happiness with someone you love.
Even the Queen once said, “grief is
the price we pay for love”. Yes, you
might get your heart broken if you
fall in love with someone, but how
lovely is it to be in love! And have
sex with someone you’re in love
with! Risk management can go too
far.
2. You need the validation
You know that feeling if you have a
Grindr account or even if you’re just
on Facebook – you need the thumbs
up! If you put a picture of yourself on
Facebook and don’t get a bunch of
‘likes’ and a few comments, you are
crest fallen. If you do get the little
blue thumbs-ups and “Wow, you are
amazing”, you get a little buzz. Same
with Grindr/Scruff/Gaydar/Manhunt
etc. If you log on and don’t have the
ping of approval and the nudges and
the pokes and the whatevers then it’s
a major blow to your self-esteem.
This has been proven scientifically by
measuring dopamine levels – that’s
levels of happy juice surging through
your body – of those Facebook
people who get thumbs ups and
those who don’t.
The need for this sort of validation
is so prevalent that a huge
percentage of the users of those
hook-up facilitator sites and apps
have no intention of ever meeting
Knowing
the risK
l Men who have sex with
30 or more partners in a
year are more likely to be
diagnosed with HIV.
l When it comes to HIV
and sex, fucking without
condoms is definitely the
riskiest thing you can do.
l If you don’t have HIV,
getting fucked without a
condom by a guy with HIV
and him cumming inside
you is the riskiest sex you
can have. You can also
catch HIV if you are the
one doing the fucking.
l Sucking cock also
carries a risk when it
comes to HIV if the
HIV-negative guy is the
one doing the sucking and
an HIV-positive guy cums
in his mouth.
l No one has ever caught
HIV from having their cock
sucked, but you can catch
other STIs.
l STIs can make you
more likely to catch HIV or
more likely to pass it on if
you are HIV-positive.
cover story
apart from treating that young
beautiful man as a piece of meat to
put your mark on, you are not
considering them as someone to fall
in love with. They are mere arm
candy, a diamond-studded notch on
your bedpost that you will dump
before you are dumped. Maybe that
young beautiful guy you had sex
with is your best ever boyfriend, if
you’d just give him a chance. And
treat him like a person.
3. You can’t focus
In these times of plenty (yeah,
we know there’s a recession but
there are still t-shirts for a fiver at
H&M), we have too much choice.
This means that we no longer value
what we have and are kept in a
heightened state of desire.
Remember when you were a kid
and you had a much-cherished
album. You knew every word to
every track and the liner thing had
crumbled with over-handling. Now
you can have any track you want,
how many songs do you value in
the same way?
It’s the same with lovers. First
loves are intense. Subsequent
loves are meaningful in a variety of
ways, depending on how much you
liked someone, how long you spent
with them etc. If you have too many
men passing through your life then
you will not value them. You will
not get to know them. It’s a question
of focus: if the line of sexual
partners is moving too fast it will
become a blur.
4. You’re too impatient
Sex partners can be like contestants
on X Factor. They come on, get their
few seconds then get the big ‘It’s a
no from me, I’m afraid’. And while
there are studies that suggest that
you know whether you’re into
someone within the first few
seconds (which is where speed
dating comes in), we’ve all got
stories about someone we worked
with and to start with we really
didn’t like them, but then by the
time the Christmas party came
around we were really into them.
And while no one’s suggesting
you have to keep having sex with
someone where it’s not clicking,
there is something to be said for
taking a bit of time. Yes, the sexual
chemistry has to be there but that
doesn’t mean you have to take a
running jump at the bed moments
after the first meeting. Whatever
happened to ‘seeing how things
go’? Or ‘giving someone a second
chance’? People can grow on you,
even if they don’t want their
approvers back. This can extend to
actual sex: you might be having sex
with someone not because you like
or even fancy them, but because
you need the ego boost. It’s the
reason some guys go with men they
think are not in their league: so they
can feel attractive and desired.
The flipside of this is our need to
shag – and be seen to be shagging!
– guys out of our league; guys who
are younger, hotter, prettier, bigger.
We need our friends to see us with
those guys, to be able to point to
those guys just to enhance our
self-esteem. How great must I be if
that incredibly hot man over there
agreed to have sex with me?
Hmmm?
Yes, it’s lovely to have sex with you know. And not just in the
anyone, they just need to be wanted the young and the beautiful, but, rude way.
t
www.gmfa.org.uk |13

cover story
5. is the grass greener?
Here’s the gist. If you don’t want to
catch an STI and in particular HIV
then the best way to do this is cut
down the number of guys you have
sex with. Stats show us that the more
guys you sleep with in a year, the
more likely you will pick up an STI or
HIV. Men with 30 or more sexual
partners in the last year are more
likely to have been diagnosed
with HIV.
What does that mean for you? Are
you saying to yourself, “But I always
wear condoms so it doesn’t matter
how many guys I fuck”. First of all we
say well done you, but you need to
know that in the last year 13% of gay
men had a condom break or slip off
while fucking. Wearing a condom all
the time does not guarantee that you
won’t catch an STI or HIV.
What’s the answer? We know full
well asking you to cut down on the
number of sexual partners you have
is a hard task. But, did you know
that 50% of gay men say they have
had sex with fewer than five
partners in the last year? So the
perception that we are all sex mad
horn-dogs is quite a false
stereotype. Getting yourself into a
relationship could be the key. There is
such a thing as depth in a
relationship. And we’re not talking
about putting it in right up to the fuzz,
either. Depth comes with time and if
you have a revolving door on your
bedroom, you are never going to get
the depth that brings fulfilment,
connection, and friendship. Plus
there could be a chance for sex on
tap with a lesser rick of catching an
STI or HIV.
Remember, there is nothing wrong
with sex. We love sex. We wouldn’t
be without it. And we want you to
have the best – and the safest! – sex
14|
Did you
know that 50%
of gay men say
they have had sex
with fewer than
five partners in
the last
year?
you possibly can. It’s very possible
to get this from a relationship too.
If you think you might have a
problem with sex, with having too
much sex with too many people and
feeling crap about yourself
afterwards, then that might be
something worth thinking or even
talking to someone about.
You never know, you might even
get better sex out of it!
how You catch an sti
l Fucking without a condom (HIV, hep B and C, gonorrhoea,
chlamydia, syphilis, herpes, anal warts and NSU).
l Sucking cock or being sucked off (gonorrhoea, chlamydia,
syphilis and herpes).
l Rimming (LGV, gonorrhoea and hep A).
l Skin to skin contact (herpes, warts, crabs and sometimes
syphilis).
l Sharing sex toys (without cleaning) (HIV, hep B and C,
gonorrhoea, chlamydia, syphilis, and anal warts).
l For more info: www.gmfa.org.uk/sex.
true LiFe
When the need for
sex goes wrong
“sauna sex ended with hiV”
simon, 26, from London:
A few months ago I found out that
I’m HIV-positive. I guess I’ve done
quite a bit of soul searching since
then. I avoided getting tested for a
long time, but recently during one
of my more sensible phases I
decided I had to know my status. I
think I knew I had HIV, so I waited
until I’d finished a two-month
holiday backpacking around Asia
before I got tested. I was right, and
now I need to deal with the
consequences. I completely blame
being off my face on drugs and
alcohol for contracting HIV.
If I didn’t get so horny and out of
it, I’d still be negative. When I’m
trashed, my inhibitions seem to go
out the window and I get into a
mood where I need to have lots of
sex, and being safe is the last thing
on my mind. I don’t know the
specific occasion when I contracted
HIV, but I’ve no doubt it was in a
sauna or a darkroom.
I usually only go to saunas after
I’ve been clubbing on drugs. I’ve
been fucked too many times to
remember, and I know in most
cases that condoms were never
used. Being versatile, I’ve also
fucked hundreds of guys – you
always hope you’ll be OK, but I
guess my behaviour has caught up
with me.
Don’t get me wrong, under
normal circumstances, like when I
meet guys in bars or on Gaydar, I
always carry and use condoms. I
thought testing positive would
change my behaviour, but I do still
go to saunas and darkrooms when
I’m twatted, and sometimes I
forget to use protection. I feel like
an animalistic instinct takes over
me. I know I could give HIV to
someone the way someone gave it
to me, but sometimes I just can’t
help myself.
Anyone reading my story should
realise there are probably many
more lads like me having sex in
saunas who know they are
HIV-positive yet forget to play safe.
There are also plenty of guys who
don’t know their status, as was the
case with me until a few weeks
ago, so you can never be sure
when you’re putting yourself at
risk.

THE THE THE THE THE
DO YOU WANT
BETTER SEX?
This fun one day course will help you
explore what you want from your sex
life, and will help you make it safer and
more enjoyable.
COURSE COURSE COURSE COURSE COURSE
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M E N
We are running ‘The Sex Course’
classes in cities in England. All
places on the course are free of
charge. The course starts at 10am
and finishes at 5pm.
Book your place online at www.gmfa.org.uk/national or call 020 7738 3712
SATURDAY 23rd JUNE
CITY AGENCY
Bristol THT
Southampton GCHS
GMFA courses delivered nationally in partnership with:
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This intervention is funded by

LifestyLe
Mind over
body matters
Words by Liam Murphy. Tweet me: @liamwaterloo
Body image can be one of the biggest influences over a gay man's life. It can affect the
type of clothes you wear, the food you eat, the friends you make and the relationships you
form. The way you see yourself can even affect the sexual partners that you choose and the
type of sex you have.
Stonewall has recently published the results of its Gay Men’s Health survey,
which revealed some surprising stats. Over half of gay and bisexual men
have a normal body mass index (BMI) compared with under a third of men
in general, while only 44% of gay and bisexual men are overweight or obese
compared with 70% of men in general. However, the report also found that
just 25% of gay and bisexual men meet the recommendation of 30 minutes
or more of exercise, five times or more per week, compared with 39 per cent
of men in general. 13% admitted to having had a problem with their weight
and around 45% worried about the way they look.
So just where is this stereotype of the gym-obsessed homosexual coming
from? Why do people fall for it and does it adversely affect people’s sex lives?
The gym thing
Dan is a 27-year-old PR executive
from London. He has broad
shoulders and an enviably thin waist
- the kind that would send most of
us into a fit of jealous rage. Despite
his hectic work life which often
blends with an equally frantic social
life, he finds the time to hit the gym
at least four times per week. Just
where does he find the motivation
to do all that iron pumping?
"The main drive to go the gym
is a 50/50 split between hoping
to emerge at the end of the
hour with a body like David
Chokachi in the opening titles
of Baywatch (a 90s reference,
kids) and the opportunity to
check out fit blokes.”
Other than indulging his fiery libido,
he also admits that the gym
dedication is a symptom of what he
thought was expected from him.
16|
“There’s
nothing wrong
with keeping fit
and building
muscle, as long as
it’s done in a
healthy, natural
way.”
“My gay-self was raised on the
ideal of the ‘Bel Ami’ boy – perfect
chest, perfect abs, perfect skin. It’s
what I desperately wanted to be and
it’s what I thought people wanted
from me. Everyone wants to be
desired and I decided to become
what I thought was desirable. My
self-esteem was often quite low as I
set my goals so high. I’m finally at a
stage in my life where I’m happy
with how I look. It takes a lot of
maintenance but I really do enjoy
exercising and to an extent it allows
me to eat and drink what I want
guilt-free.”
Clubbing culture and gym culture
seem to go hand-in-hand, especially
when you glance at some of the
photographs in the scene
magazines, where a large
proportion of party-goers are
shirtless, chiselled hunks. They are
tantalising but intimidating images
that can put a lot of pressure on gay
men to emulate this to fit in.
“When I first started clubbing, it
took me a year before I’d even
consider taking off my clothes,” says
Tom, 22, a regular clubber. “Being
surrounded by all those bare, buff
bodies motivated me to get into
shape. It wasn’t so much that I
wanted to become a massive Muscle
Mary, just toned enough to feel
comfortable stripping to the waist. I
used to drink a lot just so I had the
confidence to unbutton my shirt.”
“I was stressed by the pressure
but it wasn’t the pressure of the
scene, it was what I put on myself.
For a long time I resented every
moment spent in the gym - I hated it
– but for every session I missed, I’d
be so hard on myself. I now have a
better balance but there are times
when I feel like a bloated mess
compared with some other guys.”
Personal trainer and gym manager
Neil handles clients of all shapes
and sizes and believes it’s wrong
to vilify gym culture.
t

HeALtH
www.gmfa.org.uk |17

HeALtH
18|

“There’s nothing wrong with
keeping fit and building muscle, as
long as it’s done in a healthy, natural
way. I would never recommend
using chemical means (such as
steroids) to achieve your body goals
and I wouldn’t encourage anyone to
use a gym if they hate it. It’s about
enjoyment and staying fit and
healthy. Find an activity you enjoy
and go from there. If you want a
model torso, then you need to put
the work in and watch your diet.
That said, I always advise my clients
to strike a balance between enjoying
life and training hard.”
Sona Barbosa, the Counselling Team
Leader at the GMI Partnership,
explains the rationale behind why
gay men often punish themselves
about how they look.
“A lot of gay men have
assumptions and beliefs about gay
culture from what they see in
magazines and other media, which
is often just a stereotype of what
actually exists. Many people I speak
to are fine with the way they look,
they just worry more about
how people think they
look. There are those
who think they need
to look a certain
way to be liked or
loved and this can
lead to them
having sex with
any man that
shows an interest.
This can be
dangerous
emotionally, as well
as physically. The
important thing is to
encourage people to try and
get out of the mindset of the ‘gay’
stereotype and start thinking more
about how they feel about their
own body.”
Bears laid bare
Perhaps the natural flipside to the
gym obsessive is the bear
community, which tends to shun a
protein-fuelled existence for a less
sculpted body shape. Brett identifies
himself as a ‘chub’ and a ‘bear’ and
is attracted to the same kind of
man – which is essentially a man of
a large, hairy build, for those not in
the know. As with a lot of gay men,
he did try to emulate the images
that he saw in the media of what he
was expected to look like, but it was
only when he discovered that
different ‘scenes’ existed that he
came to terms with the way he
“Having
a ‘twink’ look
means I attract a
certain type of guy,
which isn’t always
what I’m attracted to.
I don’t want to look
like a young boy
forever either!”
“I aspired to look like the
images of buff men, and
although I could get slimmer
and lay down a bit of muscle,
it would take far more
investment than I was
prepared to make. I recognise
that my body has always been
made for comfort rather than
speed and it has veered
between ‘medium’ and ‘extra
extra large’ over the years. I
discovered bars and clubs
where my size wasn’t greeted
with distaste and it was
positively welcomed. That isn’t
to say there was ever open
hostility but I felt I was viewed
as the ‘funny fat fella’ rather
than the object of lust.”
We also asked Brett whether he
thought that the ‘chub’ and ‘bear’
scene was encouraging the
maintenance of an ‘unhealthy’ body
type (in the eyes of health
professionals).
“Absolutely not.
Being bigger isn’t
essential but
acceptance of
yourself is a big
thing. There is a
hugely physical
social side to the
bear scene, from a
hug of welcome to
a ‘woof’ of
attractiveness.
There are ‘chasers’
who like very different
physiques from themselves.
For me, that can lead to a lot of
self-doubt – what exactly does this
10-stone guy with abs of steel see in
a balding 20-stoner? – which you
don’t get when you’re more evenly
matched. Just like anywhere, people
tend to be attracted to those that are
like themselves but I wouldn’t
deliberately make myself fat just to
fit in.”
Monty Moncrieff, the Head of
Services at gay and lesbian support
network London Friend, who also
identifies himself as a bear, relays
his thoughts on bear culture:
“In terms of body image, being a
bear is not just about being big, as
there are plenty of trimmer, leaner,
muscled bears out there. If you are
big though, I think it can be a
confidence booster in a world where
being slim is constantly presented
as desirable but I think that people
can find that in other areas too, or
by having a group of supportive
friends; it’s not just within the bear
scene. The flip side of course is that
it can make it easier to stay big,
which may present a different set of
health challenges, but everyone
needs to make their own choices
about their health. There’s nothing
wrong with going to the gym
regularly but when it’s driven by
purely aesthetic reasons, rather than
keeping fit, then you have to
wonder what impact it’s having on
somebody’s self-esteem if they feel
they constantly have to work at it
just to be accepted.”
The inbetweeners
What if you aren’t a super-toned
muscle god or a hairy jolly bear? The
majority of gay men don’t fall into
these extremes and have average to
slim frames. Are they suffering the
same body image issues? Michael,
23, a fashion student from London
has a small build and is of average
height, yet seems to face the same
afflictions as everyone else.
“I guess I can be described as
a ‘twink’. I’ve always looked
younger than I am and been a
bit skinny. I generally quite like
the way I look in clothes but
when I get naked I start to feel
really uncomfortable about my
appearance. I hate the way my
ribs stick out and I have no
arse, so I’m trying to put on
weight at the moment. Most
people think I don’t eat much
but I’m always eating!”
Michael also goes further to explain
why he is trying to change his shape
and bulk up.
“It’s not that I hate the way I look
at all. As I said, I think I look great in
the right outfit. I just know that most
guys tend to go for more muscled
bodies and they’re the sort of men I
go for. Having a ‘twink’ look means I
attract a certain type of guy, which
isn’t always what I’m attracted to. I
don’t want to look like a young boy
forever either! Putting on some
weight or muscle might make me
look a bit older.”
And it all comes
down to sex
The sad fact is, the pressure to
achieve a particular body type,
whether that’s gym bunny or
looked. t
www.gmfa.org.uk |19

HeALtH
bear, can sometimes lead to less
than safe sexual health decisions.
Matthew Hodson, the Head of
Programmes at GMFA, explains how
some of the pressures of the gay
community can affect even the most
sensible of us.
“The gay scene, probably even
more than heterosexual culture,
celebrates youth and beauty.
Gay men are bombarded with
images of buff beauties, displaying
the kind of chiselled perfection that,
for the majority of us, is
unattainable. For some gay
men, the scene is as
hostile and unwelcoming
as any heterosexual
environment. Sometimes
alcohol, drugs or sex are
used to blot out our own
insecurities. It’s not hard
to see the impact that this
There is
nothing wrong
with hitting the gym
or boasting a bit of a
beer belly. The main
thing is to do it
for you and to
make yourself
happy.
20|
can have on the numbers of gay
men who become infected with HIV.
Men are better able to demand
condom use and to take
responsibility for safer sex if they
feel confident about themselves.
Men are more likely to stay in
control of the sex they have if they
can picture a healthy and happy
future for themselves.”
Matthew adds, “Research shows
that some men use anonymous
sexual environments, like
backrooms or cruising grounds,
because they don’t feel that they
can compete otherwise and
these men are more likely to
have high numbers of sexual
partners, which means that
they are also more likely to
pick up STIs.
HIV-positive men who
consider themselves to be
more attractive than average are
more likely to have sex which could
pass on the virus. Men who
consider themselves less attractive
than average were also more likely
to do the same than men who
consider themselves to be just
average in the looks department.”
Work that inner
body
Gay men, like anyone, are always
going to have hang-ups about how
they look. Pressures come from
everywhere, from the TV we watch
to the popstars we worship, not just
from our own community. However
data shows that gay men who are
content with themselves are less
likely to put themselves at risk of
catching an STI or HIV. Matthew
Hodson says: “It’s been established
that feelings of depression or low
self-esteem can lead to men taking
risks. At the same time, feelings of
over-confidence can blind people to
the risks that they are taking. When
it comes down to sexual health,
you’re better off if you know that
you are neither a monster or
Superman. Chances are you’re fine
just the way that you are.”
There is nothing wrong with
hitting the gym or boasting a bit of a
beer belly. The main thing is to do it
for you and to make yourself happy.
We gay men tend to work more on
our outer appearance than our inner
self. The best way to overcome body
image issues is to try and take care
of your mind before you take care of
your abs. You might find you’re just
that little bit more satisfied.
If you would like to talk to someone
or feel you need support the
following services can help:
l London Friend – offers
one-to-one counselling and support
for LGBT people. Call 020 7833 1674
or visit
www.londonfriend.org.uk/counselling.
l Friend or Foe – a weekend
workshop from PACE on
self-esteem for people living in
London. To book a place visit,
www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk.
l London Lesbian & Gay
Switchboard – Support 24 hours a
day about love, life and safer sex.
Call, 0300 330 0630.
l For more info on sex, visit
www.gmfa.org.uk/sex.

LIFESTYLE
!
THE ISSUE
Losing hope in La-La Land
The story of a bipolar bear by Bipolar Bear (aka Christopher Banks)
They call it the land of dreams. I’m too cynical to be totally
taken in by such sentiment, but being in Hollywood in
2009 for Outfest, the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Film
Festival, with my short film Teddy was a really exciting
moment.
Earlier that week, I’d been invited to a special event for
filmmakers in the boardroom of the Directors Guild of
America, where pictures of everyone from my hero Orson
Welles to fellow Kiwi Peter Jackson lined the walls. So
how did I find myself sitting on the bed one night in a tarry
pit of blackness, slipping into a hole that I feared I couldn’t
climb out of?
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder five years ago,
and I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs. For those of
you who don’t know, bipolar disorder is a mental illness
where you experience extremes of mood, from black dog
depression to being abnormally elevated, speedy or
anxious. Neither end is a great place to be, and
sometimes you can get both at the same time.
I felt the depression coming on earlier in the evening,
22|
“I was far
from home, in a
world that felt
totally alien to me.
All the elements of
hope, on that night,
at that moment
in time, were
gone.”
but thought I’d be able to ride it out. My filmmaking
partner and best mate Andy was out clubbing. I wasn’t in
the mood, so I stayed in.
After a few more hours alone, the blackness filled my
lungs. I was drowning.
Aspiration, direction and confidence? From my
experiences earlier in the week I should have been full of
them. I couldn’t even remember those feelings. As far as
my brain was concerned, they’d happened in another
lifetime.
The people I’d seen out on the gay scene in West
Hollywood had depressed me beyond belief. With a few
exceptions, who became friends, I mostly saw a plastic
world populated by young men who felt old at 25, and were
terrified to tell you how old they were lest they be rejected.
I saw behind the Wizard’s curtain and the fantasy looked
fake, unhealthy and devoid of real emotion or connection.
Everything was surface. Everyone was either holding back,
or had nothing left to give because they were just empty
shells. Was that my future?
Catalin Petolea/Shutterstock.com

I was far from home, in a world that felt totally alien to
me. And, clearly, my brain wasn’t working properly. All the
elements of hope, on that night, at that moment in time,
were gone.
I didn’t have enough medication with me to take an
overdose, so I started
thinking about what sharp
objects there might be in the
kitchen drawer that could do
the job.
At this point, a little circuit
breaker kicked in and told
me something was wrong.
You can’t do this, I thought.
You can’t let Andy come
back and find you in a
bleeding dead heap on the
floor.
Why didn’t I call him? Why
didn’t I call my partner back
home in New Zealand, my
parents, anyone?
The absence of hope
strips you of such options.
Your brain tricks you into
thinking that you shouldn’t
be bothering them, deal
with it quietly; and if that
option includes your exit
from this world, then they
wouldn’t want to know. It
would only upset them.
Can you see how
irrational that paragraph is?
Thankfully, I had one
working neurone left that
enabled me to close the
kitchen drawer and reach for
the phone book. I phoned a
suicide helpline.
Once the woman who
answered my call
established my relative
safety and got me to tell her
where I was, we talked for
about ten minutes. She let
me pour out all the sewage
running through my head. It
was enough to stop the
nuclear reactor from melting
down and get it back to
somewhere below a dull
emergency. I’ll never know
who that woman was, but
she saved my life that night.
VOXPOP
Niall, 23
Events Manager,
Sligo, Ireland
What do you do to
de-stress?
Exercise, generally. I try
to go to the gym three
times a week. Go on
the running machines.
Is depression/stress
something you're
worried about?
Fortunately I have not
suffered from
depression myself, but
sometimes I get
over-anxious when I'm
really feeling the
pressure at work. That's
why I find running
really helps.
Do you know
anybody affected by
stress/depression?
I had a friend from uni
days who killed
himself. It's why I
would never be
dismissive of someone
if they claimed they
were suffering.
If you were feeling
down, who would
you talk to?
I'm lucky in that I am
still close with my
immediate family. They
were very supportive
when I decided to come
out, and have
continued to be.
I tell you this story not to moan about the shallowness
of parts of the gay scene, or evoke sympathy, but to show
you what happens when the elements of hope are
removed from your life.
Today, I still struggle with negative thoughts, but I’d like
to think I’m better at reaching out when things get bad. It’s
part and parcel of having bipolar disorder, and I accept
that these symptoms will recur throughout my life. But
they are manageable, and it is possible to be happy and
live a good life in the presence or absence of a mental
illness.
Hope is the belief that you never know what’s around
the corner. Who knows what you could miss if you
decide to switch off the light and let go? Talk to your
mates. Really, talk to them. And remember that it’s okay
to not be okay.
VOXPOP
Stuart, 34
Graphic
Designer, from
Romford
What do you do to
de-stress?
Go down the pub! A
crowd of us from work
tend to go for a swift
pint or two at the end
of every day. It's the
English way!
Is depression/stress
something you're
worried about?
I've been unemployed
for long periods in the
past. When you get
stuck in that rut, it's a
very difficult cycle to
break out of. Now I'm
back in the workforce it
makes such a
difference.
Do you know
anybody affected by
stress/depression?
Yes. There is a history of
alcoholism and stuff in
my family, but they
never really referred to
it as depression or
mental illness as such.
They called it 'shell
shock' - because of the
bombing during the
Blitz - or spoke of
people in hospital
having trouble with
their nerves.
If you were feeling
down, who would
you talk to?
My partner, I guess. I
have mates but we
don't tend to go in for
the emotional stuff,
really.
VOXPOP
If you need to talk to someone, the following
organisations can help:
l London Lesbian & Gay Switchboard:
Call: 0300 330 0630
l CALM - A helpline for men feeling out of control or
suicidal. Call 0808 802 58 58.
l For more info on mental health issues if you are gay,
visit www.nhs.uk/Livewell/LGBhealth.
l Bipolar Bear’s blog can be found at
www.bipolarbear.co.nz. He is also on
facebook.com/bipolarbearnz & Twitter
@bipolarbearnz.
Nigel, 29
Counsellor, from
Deptford
What do you do to
de-stress?
I meditate. I am an
atheist, but I started
going to the London
Buddhism Centre and
took a course in
meditation. It teaches
you about mindfulness
and breathing
techniques.
Is depression/stress
something you're
worried about?
Well, yes. I took
anti-depressant
medication for a long
time but found the side
effects so debilitating
that in the end I
decided to go it alone
and find a more natural
and healthy way to deal
with my problems.
Do you know
anybody affected by
stress/depression?
Yes, my mum is bipolar.
That used to be known
as manic depression.
There is a genetic
history of it in my
family.
If you were feeling
down, who would
you talk to?
My GP. He keeps an eye
on me and has been
very helpful in
suggesting dietary
changes and alternative
treatments that can
help you manage
depression. Keep the
Black Dog at bay!
www.gmfa.org.uk |23

health & aDVICe
Six decrees of separation
Lucas Owen shares six relationship mistakes and how to overcome them
Dating someone new should be exciting but, for me, these are paranoid
times for one simple reason: in the back of my brain lives a doubt monkey.
Many of us have them; my monkey tells me I am inevitably hurtling
towards a future of loneliness, surrounded by senile cats and the ripening
scent of urine. Mine, in case you were wondering.
This point right here is where I convince myself this new relationship’s
not going to work out, and the prophecy becomes self-fulfilling. I’ve
identified the following six telltale signs that you’re over-thinking your
current romantic endeavour and how to beat them.
You saY:
“No way I’m this lucky.”
Picture the scene. It’s your second
date; the conversation flows almost
as easily as the wine and you have
discovered a mutual love for
guilty-pleasure TV like Air Crash
Investigation. He’s an amazing
kisser, has an arse you could lose
hours to and, for some reason,
wants to see you again. The only
reasonable explanation is that he is
an axe-wielding maniac who plans
to kill you in your sleep, right?
Beat this! Stick it out. Maybe -
just maybe – it’s not luck. He might
actually like you and not be
criminally insane.
You saY:
“He’s not my usual type.”
It is shallow and ridiculous to write
off your new man on the basis that
he differs physically from your
dream guy. FYI, my dream guy is
the bearded Aussie chap from the
“It’s time” equal marriage campaign
video. Ooft.
Beat this! Attraction is obviously
a big deal, so as long as you fancy
him, does it really matter? Even if
you have a definite ‘type’, remember
rules were meant to be broken.
You saY:
“I’m on the rebound.”
Everyone has that one friend who
bounces immediately from one
doomed relationship to another, and
nobody wants to be that guy, but we
all have our own coping
mechanisms when we’re freshly
back on the market - mine normally
involves Ben and Jerry, but others
prefer Chris, Kevin, Scott and/or
Steve.
24|
Beat this! Ask for a time-out to
cool things down. A no-pressure
date a couple of weeks later will tell
you if he’s the real deal.
You saY:
“We don’t have enough
in common.”
He’s not heard of your favourite
band, and reads zombie novels
while you’re streaming old episodes
of America’s Next Top Model online.
He doesn’t even have an iPhone. All
the important things, y’know?
Beat this! Rather than your
differing opinions on Cheryl Cole’s
discography, focus on those things
that truly test your compatibility:
drive, compassion, sense of humour.
If you still get that sinking feeling,
prepare to abandon ship.
You saY:
“What will my friends
think?”
Getting my mother to approve of a
boyfriend is a piece of cake. For any
new relationship of mine, getting
the nod from my best friends is my
greatest challenge. Their standards
are exacting, and with my past
littered with failed relationships - of
which only one was deemed
permissible - I’m starting to think
they know better than me.
Beat this! My trick is to take
advantage of my sales experience
by talking up my newest love
interest’s ‘benefits’, like hobbies and
interests I know he and my friends
share. Try doing the same.
You saY:
“The sex is meh.”
All the furtive glancing and saucy
sexting can be undone in seconds if
the chemistry isn’t electric the
moment you get naked. Before you
start drafting the “it’s not you, it’s
me” text, all is not lost - just think of
sex as a dance routine (I know my
audience here), and soon you’ll
realise it’s just a case of getting your
moves in sync. Without meaning to
stretch the metaphor too far, it helps
to be dancing to the same song.
Beat this! Talk openly about what
gets your hips swinging, and what
doesn’t, if you’re to have any chance
of foxing his trot to everyone’s
satisfaction. Sometimes people
need to feel comfortable before you
get the best sex out of them.
If any of these resonate with your
own inner monologue – do yourself
a favour. Don’t become me.
Unexpected as it may seem, the
man who’s walked into your life
could just be the one to walk you
hand-in-hand towards the sunset,
but only if you haven’t already run
headlong in the opposite direction.
l Tweet me: @TheMrWriter.
Viorel Sima/Shutterstock.com

advice
Sort it out!
FS readers and a trained counsellor give their advice on how to tackle one of life’s problems.
This month’s problem...
“I don’t care if I get HIV.”
Your say...
Dear aNONYMOUS
There’s only one explanation
A for you emailing FS and for
saying, in that email, that you
aren’t alarmed, but also saying
you’re scared, telling your story in
an alarming fashion and ending
with a cry for help! You are
conflicted. Part of you knows that
26|
what you’re doing is both risky and
wrong, and part of you doesn’t want
to know. You won’t get this conflict
resolved by any magazine. Man up
and get some counselling.
Tony from Tonbridge
Dear aNONYMOUS
The longer you stay in this
A state, the worse it’s going to
get. You need to take some
action now to help yourself. Believe
me, once you start taking positive
steps to take control of your life, you
will start to feel better about
yourself. First thing, check that you
have support. Talk to friends who
you believe will understand and try
to help you. Once you have support,
get tested. Yes, of course it’s scary,
but there are two options here:
either you are HIV-positive, in which
case getting tested will mean that
you can access treatment which can
help you to live a long life, or you

are still HIV-negative, in which case
you’re probably wasting a lot of
energy worrying about it, and
knowing that you’re negative may
help to motivate you to take fewer
risks in future. Whether you’re
HIV-negative or HIV-positive, not
testing, and not knowing, isn’t going
to help you.
Gav via email
Dear aNONYMOUS
Bruv it sounds like this is a
A mental health issue. My mate
had depression and while he
was depressed he never really cared
about his actions. He wanted to
break out of it but just didn’t have
the energy. So maybe you are
depressed and having lots of sex
because it’s giving you brief
moments of escapism. Either way,
talk to a professional. It’s the only
way forward for you.
Zavi via email
A counsellor’s
opinion...
Sona Barbosa, Counsellor
Team Leader for the GMI
Partnership, says:
Dear aNONYMOUS
There are a lot of issues
A
caught up in your email and I
think we should look at them
one-by one. You write that you don’t
know your HIV status and have
never been tested for HIV, well, you
are in good company. At least 25%
of gay men who are HIV-positive
don’t know that they are as, like
you, they have not tested. In writing
this I don’t mean that you are
HIV-positive, what I do mean is that
you should get tested even though
you are scared. I do wonder what
you are scared of though. Is it a
diagnosis of being HIV-positive?
Being anxious or fearful of having
HIV and all that it entails is perfectly
natural. Fear and anxiety are just a
couple of the many emotions you
will inevitably feel, and will have to
manage. By waiting you are
choosing to live in permanent
anxiety, uncertainty and fear, which
in the long term can be a lot harder
to cope with. We know that the
sooner you are diagnosed the better
for your long-term health as you will
be able to start medication to keep
you healthy at a time when your
body needs the help. Although an
HIV diagnosis is not something
anyone wants to hear, if that is your
status then knowing it will not
change it and in fact can be seen as
the best information for your future
heath.
HIV tests are very quick and can
be done in a number of settings, not
only hospitals or GUM clinics. Some
tests are done using an ‘INSTI test’
with the result being known in a few
seconds. There are a number of
organisations that offer these tests,
in a friendly and supportive setting,
which will help you through the test,
regardless of the result.
Although you write that you don’t
care about being infected with HIV,
or passing it on, you also say that
something inside you wants to stop
the behaviour that is putting
yourself and others at risk. Deep
down I think that you do care about
yourself and others, even if you
don’t want to admit that right now.
You seem to be convinced that you
are HIV-positive and I wonder how
you would react to an HIV-negative
result. I think that regardless of your
HIV status you need to look at the
sex you are having, why you cannot
negotiate the kind of sex you have
and more particularly your
self-esteem. Low self-valuation may
lead some gay men to use sex
encounters as a coping strategy,
without considering safer sex
practices. I would recommend you
look into counselling which will be
able to help you understand your
behaviour and the issues behind it,
and look at ways of making the
changes you want.
Next month’s
problem...
I’ve been watching porn
since I was in my mid-teens.
Q Recently though, I have
found myself watching
more and more bareback porn. It’s
come to the point that I only watch
bareback porn. My mates were
round the other day and as you do
we talked about sex over a few
beers. I told them I liked watching
bareback stuff. I could tell straight
away they were shocked that I
would admit to it. I’m wondering is
there anything wrong with what I’m
doing. I know the risks that comes
with bareback sex but surely I’m not
doing any harm, or am I? Edward,
22, from London
l If you have some advice
to give, or you have a problem
that needs sorting, email:
fsmag@gmfa.org.uk.
Sort it out
EXTRA
GMFA answers your other
questions and worries.
Do I need extra thick
Condoms, or am I just thick?
I've recently been given
Q
some condoms but they
say on the packaging:
'for vaginal intercourse , other
uses can increase the potential
of breakage.' I thought
condoms were condoms and so
all appropriate for anal sex?
A study of kitemarked
condoms found no
difference in failure rates
between 'ordinary' condoms
and 'extra thick' condoms when
used for anal sex, so all
condoms that carry the kitemark
should be fine for anal sex.
Condom failure is most usually
related to using the wrong kind
of lube, or putting the lube in
the wrong places, or not putting
the condom on properly. GMFA
recommend that you use
kitemarked condoms, where
available, as these have been
properly tested. For more info,
visit: www.gmfa.org.uk/condoms.
What are these white spots
on my cock?
I’ve got lots of white
Q
spots on the head of my
cock and I don’t know
what they are. Are they an STI?
White spots on your penis
could be genital warts,
although they are more likely to
be pearly penile papules. If the
white spots are around the ridge
on the head of your cock, and
they look like white spots, then
they are likely to be PPP. Warts
look more like little cauliflowers.
Pearly penile papules are
common. They are nothing to
worry about and are not
sexually transmitted. If you
Google them you will find
pictures that may help to
confirm this. However, if you
are in doubt, we recommend
that you see a doctor, or visit
your local GUM service,
because if they are genital warts
then they will need to be
treated. You can find out more
about genital warts at:
www.gmfa.org.uk/sex/stis/warts.
www.gmfa.org.uk |27

LIFESTYLE
28|
SUMMER IN THE CITY
There’s no doubt the eyes of the world are going to be on our capital city this summer.
We're sure you don't need reminding about the two main events. One has something to do
with diamonds and the other with gold – they sound like our kind of celebrations!
Here's a quick sprint through some of the other things that are going to sparkle in London
over the next few months – and, as most are free, they won't cost you a queen's ransom.
CLapham street party
Edgeley Road, Sat 30 June
The Two Brewers and Kazbar join
forces for the annual Clapham
Street Party on Saturday 30 June.
Expect an afternoon in the sun (fingers
crossed) with friends in
Edgeley Road alongside Kazbar.
There is a purpose to the partying
too – and that's to raise funds for
GMFA, the lovely people who
publish FS magazine. Keep an eye
on our Facebook wall for more
details as soon as we get them.
WorLdpride
WorldPride Parade, central London,
Sat 7 July, 1pm
WorldPride Festival, around London,
Sun 17 June, 1–7 pm and 23 June to
8 July
Just a week later and it's the annual
Pride London parade and party.
There'll be an extra special
international feel this year as
London has the honour of hosting
WorldPride. Two million people are
expected in central London on
Saturday 7 July. The day starts with
the parade at 1pm, followed by various
events and parties in Soho and
Trafalgar Square. To get a queen's
eye view of the parade, head to
Marble Arch, Bond Street, Oxford
Circus, Piccadilly Circus, Charing
Cross or Leicester Square tube stations.
In the weeks running up to the
big day (23 June to 8 July), you
might like to check out the
WorldPride Festival. It kicks off on
Sunday 17 June with a launch party
in Soho, and the organisers are
promising us a lively afternoon and
evening of street entertainment and
a great atmosphere.
piCniC With pride
Clapham Common, 29 July, 2pm
Sadly the Pride House London
events planned for Clapham
This year
London has the
honour of hosting
WorldPride. Two
million people
are expected in
central London
on Saturday
7 July.
Common to coincide with the
Olympics have had to be cancelled,
but an unofficial Picnic with Pride is
taking place instead.I t's a chance for
us to show our support for LGBT
athletes. To take part, all you need to
do is go along to Clapham Common
from 2pm on Sunday 29 July with a
picnic and your friends.
London 2012 FestivaL
Around London and the rest of
Britain, 21 June to 9 September
If, like us, you didn't get tickets to
watch Tom Daley and Matthew
Mitcham in their Speedos, you can
still get into the Olympic spirit at
one of the hundreds of free events
that make up the London 2012
Festival, which runs until the end of
the Paralympics in September. We're
particularly looking forward to the
weekend of free River of Music
events along the Thames on 21 and
22 July. Six stages represent the
continents – Asia in Battersea Park,
Africa in Jubilee Gardens, Europe in
Trafalgar Square and Somerset
House, the Americas at the Tower of
London, and Oceania in the
Greenwich Old Royal Naval
College.The camptastic Scissor
Sisters are performing by the Tower
of London (Sat 21 July), and
Diversity, the London Gay Men’s
Chorus and the Pink Singers will be
leading a sing-along of favourite gay
anthems in Trafalgar Square (also 21
July).
dates & inFo
l Clapham Street Party:
30 Jun, www.facebook.com/gmfa.uk
l WorldPride Parade: 7 July
l WorldPride Festival: 23 June to
8, July www.pridelondon.org
l Picnic with Pride: 29 July,
on.fb.me/pridepicnic
l London 2012 Festival: 21 June to
9 September,
www.london2012.com/festival

Yuri Arcurs/Shutterstock.com
i
LISTINgS
Clinics
lFor a list of GUM services in
London visit www.gmfa.org.uk/
clinics.
Condoms
lFreedoms provides free
condoms and lube on the scene.
They also sell low-cost, high
quality condoms and lube via
their online shop. Visit:
www.freedoms-shop.nhs.uk.
Counselling/mentoring
lThe GMI Partnership offers free
sexual health counselling and
mentoring to gay men in London.
For more information visit
www.gmfa.org.uk/counselling or
ring 020 7160 0941. You can also
visit: www.gmipartnership.org.uk.
Helplines
lCALM - A helpline for men
feeling out of control or suicidal.
Call 0808 802 58 58. Lines are
open 4 days a week, Saturday to
Tuesday, 5pm to midnight.
lThe London Lesbian and Gay
Switchboard: 0300 330 0630.
Available daily 10am-11pm.
lTHT Direct 0808 802 1221.
Available Monday to Friday
Turn your Gaydar on with THT.
Nearly everyone has an online dating profile these days so why not use it to
connect with people who are going through the same situation as you? THT runs
weekly group chat on the dating service Gaydar. Share your experiences of life
with HIV, get support online and get answers to your questions. Login to
www.gaydar.co.uk, click on chatrooms and search for the Community Room
called ‘THT - HIV+ Groupwork’ chatroom.
The chats generally take place every
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
from 5.30pm to 8.30pm.
lFor more information visit
www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk or call THT
on 020 7812 1773.
Published by GMFA
Unit 11 Angel Wharf,
58 Eagle Wharf Road,
London, N1 7ER
Tel: 020 7738 6872
Email: gmfa@gmfa.org.uk
Website: www.gmfa.org.uk
Charity number 1076854
ISSN 1750-7162
HEaLTH & advICE
10am-10pm and weekends
12noon-6pm.
Websites
lFor information about sex,
sexual health and what’s on offer
in London visit www.gmfa.org.uk.
Workshops and courses
lTHT and PACE offer free
courses and workshops to gay
men in London. To find out more
about what’s on offer visit
www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk.
lAlternatively, for PACE
workshops phone: 020 7700 1323
or visit: www.pacehealth.org.uk.
lFor THT courses and groups
phone: 020 7812 1773, or visit:
www.tht.org.uk.
Friend or Foe?
Are you a good friend to yourself or your own worst enemy? ‘Friend or Foe’ is a weekend
workshop on self-esteem, exploring how you can relate to yourself in more compassionate, supportive
and constructive ways and move away from being critical, nasty or destructive to
yourself. Participants are asked to commit to all three days of the workshop. The workshop
begins on Friday 29 June at 6.30pm, continues Saturday 30 June and Sunday 1 July from 10am
to 5pm and finishes at 5pm on Sunday 1 July.
lFor more information visit www.gmfa.org.uk/gwk or call PACE on 020 7700 1323.
The FS team for issue 130 was Ian Howley (Editor), Matthew Hodson, Liam Murphy,
Lucas Owen, Sean Cassidy, Simon Gage and Gavin Smith. Vox pops by Vivienne
Button (viviennebutton@hotmail.co.uk). Design and layout by
www.christiantate.co.uk .
FS is part of the Pan London HIV Prevention Programme.
Appearance in FS is not an indication of an individual’s sexual orientation
or HIV status. The views of our writers are not necessarily the views of FS,
of the organisations mentioned, GMFA, or of the editor.
You can view the current issue and past issues of FS online at:
www.gmfa.org.uk/fs.
Volunteers contribute to the planning, writing, editing and production of FS.
To volunteer or donate, contact GMFA using the details to the left.
www.gmfa.org.uk |29

Last chance
Here are some things to remember from this issue...
30|
seX! www.gmfa.org.uk/sex
to learn how to have
better sex
Cruising for CoCk
bring condoms and lube with you
HELP! We need you!
Keep FS magazine funded by completing our
survey, visit www.gmfa.org.uk/fssurvey.
CATCHing HiV
fucking without
condoms is the
riskiest thing you
can do
Low cost
condoms
buy them at
www.freedoms-shop.nhs.uk
45%
of gAy men
worry
AbouT THe
wAy THey
look

FREE FOR GAY MEN
C OUNSELLING
M ENTORING
H EALTH TRAINER
020 7160 0941
www.gmipartnership.org.uk
gmi partnership
GMI Partnership services are free and provided by
Londoners from diverse backgrounds, who are trained
and supervised to work with men across the City.
The GMI Partnership is funded as part of
the Pan-London HIV Prevention Programme.
© The GMI Partnership 2011