NAME THAT GOON Rock Marketing 101 (This month, I'm E-mailing my column from beautiful Los . Angeles, where I'm attending the Grammy Awards with Poison lead screech Bret Michaels-hey, charity work is good for the karma, not to mention free food n' booze.) So, you've decided to start your own band -congratulations, J<strong>as</strong>per, just what the world needed: Another yowling rock group. But, of course, yours will be different, something new and innovative - not like those other losers. Right? If I can't convince you to d~ something more worthwhile, like writing your own O.J. Simpson tell-all book (Hint: the more lesbians, !he better). then let me>cl~e ybu id on the one most important tool to put you and your unemployed visionary buddies in Fat City. Great music? No, that's never been a proven factor. A <strong>SLUG</strong> feature story? Only I€ you can afford it. No- Homecheese-you've got to have a cool name! And 5,000 stickers within 30 seconds of thinking it up! Just pay attention and learn from Salt Lake's finest(?) on how to christen your crew. First of all, pick one name and'stick with it. The Uncalled 4. a tubby, mediocre cover band merely steps into a (large) phone booth and magically transforms into Heads-, a tubby, mediocre "original" band- Shazam! Se<strong>as</strong>on Of The S ~ r h will be known ti1 Doomsday <strong>as</strong> "Formerly the Bad Yodelers" because A: they can't let go of the p<strong>as</strong>t, or B: "12th rate Straightedge with vocals like wet brakes on a Mazda" won't fit on a flyer. W<strong>as</strong>atch rock legendbartender extrodinaire/authw of "I Invented Utah Punk, Asshole" Jon Shuman can swap a band name f<strong>as</strong>ter than he can change a keg: AJJ (great name) begat WAG (still cool), which begat the DollvmoDs (huh?. All bring us to the current m, a name that nicely fits their martini-swishing arena rock/lounge anthems (Arena Lounge? Call me before I copyright it). At le<strong>as</strong>t honky tonk heroes the have the cl<strong>as</strong>s not to promote ad infintum "Formerly the Broken Hearts" or "Now 90% yodel-free". Another good rule of thumb is that if it sounds like another bands name, don't use it! CommonDlace h<strong>as</strong> been around for years, so why would a bunch of hairy chicks decide to use a dumbshit name like Commonpround? The mind wobbles. The early 90's Houseband wars (Amphouse Mother, Doghouse, Krakhouse, etc,) left only one survivor. House Of w. No one's quite ready for the A1 Grossi Experience, are they? Don't get too wend n' arty or you're gonna get slapped. A name like Agnes Poetry just brings to mind sissyboy synthcrap and Eurofag dlsco pants (Perfecto!), while hethvst Wristrocket merely induces headaches. My Spanish is a little rusty, but I believe that Pilsm<strong>as</strong> De gat^ translates to "Let's put the cat to sleep, I'm hungry". Abstrak sounds a hell of a lot like Anthrax, and so does the name; the JQ& and 3 Rinse lQ& are reminiscent of'the Keed and Free Vince Pool, except except they make a little less sense. J-Binder sounds about <strong>as</strong> thrilling <strong>as</strong> "L<strong>as</strong>er Karaoke", but SwamD could be a more manly sizzlefest than this girl can handle. The various subgenres of music in the valley seem to put more thought into naming their dicks than their bitchin' bands. On the Trend-0-Grunge tip, the Qbvious and uonest E u (same band, sorry) are nowhere near <strong>as</strong> pretentious and derivative <strong>as</strong> Wish and bdle Of T h u (again, same band). In Skaville, Stretch aAmsrron is hillbilly jive fo m<strong>as</strong>tubation (got that right), and Insatiable should get a clue after all these years and just call themselves what everyone else does: Insufferable. The Goth scene never disappoints in the title department, just check out Daughters Of The Nile-oooh, spooky! And then there's a Dreary ha ha ha ha ha ha' ha, no, wait a 1 minute, ha ha ha h, ha ha, I can do this ha ha ha ha ha ha oh shit, ha ha ha ha I can't stop! Hell me!, ha. ha ha Ha h; ha ... 0, course, 1 Metal is known fo bad names, b a I ~ hair, and just plain I old disregard for the rules, man. Here you got yer One (the other w<strong>as</strong> poked out by a stray chin-weed), scar S t r w (think saying it's painful? Try listening to 'em), Wolfeane (cock rock without the rock - or the cock, for that matter), Wicked Innocence - Dude, what a conundrum - look it up, pinheads), botic Kontortiqn (Komplete Krap? Too e<strong>as</strong>y), and, oh yes, Blister'd Toad, haha ha ha ha ha ha, oh god, it's starting again, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ... Now I show off my fancy writin' skills (Athey School Of Journalism And Lung Cancer, Magna Cum Stain, '93) by wrapping this sucker up AND dropping in my capsule review of the <strong>SLUG</strong> 6th anniversary show at the Borin' Grill. No cover, no prizes, and far fewer - but much higher quality -fights than l<strong>as</strong>t year. Unfortunately, I missed the stars of redundofeature #8,122 on "Women In Rock" (Salt Lake Trib-always on the cutting edge) Power Tools For G&, sorry. My favorite new band in the galaxy, w, shred like a SWAT van full of gators, and they even suffer for their art: those fetching coconut tit-cozies that b<strong>as</strong>s-god- 's Bret Michaels dess Jaime sported ain't built for. comfort, trust me. Judging by the insant turgid state of the male audience, Erector is right! The Decom~osers quickly beat the boners down with their volume, volume, volume approach to garage raunch and stunning Road Warrior Spring f<strong>as</strong>hions. And sadly, Trailer Park brought their scorched earth policy to the people for the l<strong>as</strong>t time before going splitsville. Talk radio stud/TP groupie extrordinare Mark Shearing warned me "If they bring ou't the big cowboys, there's going to be trouble." Yeah, you hear that line every week on Renegade, but you never think much is really going to happen. Sure enough, the cardboard cowpokes were set up. Mayo .& crew destroyed ear DNA, more fights broke out. somebody called the cops, and right about then I left (me and the police don't see eye to eye, capis h?). . (I'm off to the Grammys now, have to get there before Bret's career slips even further down the toilet. If I inadvertently left your band out, sorry andlor you're welcome- some of you just have NO sense of humor!). - Helen Wolf
RIVERBED JED ANGERVOVERLOAD PIPEFITTERS (from Seattle) DEVIANCE A .,&$$d . \ 83 NO RESTRICTIOW DOORS OPEN AT 7r30PM A PRIVATE CLUB FOR urmru
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