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Download issue as PDF - SLUG Magazine

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Dear Dickheads,<br />

Oh yeah, and stop killing trees, <strong>SLUG</strong>.<br />

I’d like to comment on your column for<br />

l<strong>as</strong>t month’s Beautiful Godzilla. I find<br />

it kind of sad and pathetic that you’re<br />

so judgmental of cyclists whom you<br />

consider “granola.” I mean, you may<br />

not have had to duck and binge so<br />

hard if you just open up to different<br />

types of people and enjoy yourself in<br />

the company of somebody showing<br />

you something that might be new.<br />

And really, I’m sure that you would<br />

appreciate the air in the mountains <strong>as</strong><br />

opposed to inhaling smog when you<br />

get on your bike. Even though <strong>SLUG</strong><br />

stands for “Salt Lake” Underground,<br />

Salt Lake is still a part of Utah, and<br />

Utah h<strong>as</strong> a lot to offer when it comes<br />

to experiencing the outdoors. Also,<br />

<strong>SLUG</strong> is supposed to be local-centric<br />

and anti-corporate. There’s nothing<br />

more local than our wild surroundings<br />

and disengaging from the constructs<br />

that society subjects us to. People who<br />

like to be outside and experience the<br />

beauties that our fair state h<strong>as</strong> to offer<br />

shouldn’t necessarily be labeled <strong>as</strong><br />

“granola,” either—there are plenty of<br />

people who commune with the earth<br />

whom I’m sure you’d call “granola,”<br />

like burners, who don’t even partake<br />

in activities that people do outside.<br />

And what’s so self-righteous about hiking<br />

or climbing a rock? Like … It’s just<br />

walking, but away from civilization. I<br />

will agree that you’re probably not an<br />

athlete, though—most urban cyclists<br />

are just a glorified set of calves.<br />

-A hiker against haterade<br />

Dear Walt Whitman,<br />

We get it. You <strong>as</strong>ked Beautiful<br />

Godzilla out on a date, saw<br />

her glorified set of calves, and<br />

thought she’d make a great<br />

hiking partner. Now you’re<br />

writing in ‘cause she had a<br />

horrible time listening to you<br />

go on and on about how the<br />

“divine soil” is the only truth on<br />

this earth, won’t call you back<br />

and made fun of you in her<br />

column. Walt, there’s absolutely<br />

nothing wrong with enjoying<br />

the outdoors. Even B.G. likes<br />

the way the mountains look <strong>as</strong><br />

a background in all her selfies.<br />

There’s just a fine line between<br />

Nature appreciation and …<br />

well, what you’re all about.<br />

All this talk about “communing<br />

with the earth” … It’s a little<br />

creepy. So is your beard. You<br />

may want to consider getting<br />

a trim and toning down the<br />

erotica a bit so your next OKCupid<br />

date doesn’t think you’re a<br />

homeless serial killer. As for the<br />

killing trees jab, all we have<br />

to say is LEAVES OF FUCKING<br />

GRASS.<br />

Take a hike, Walt.<br />

xoxo,<br />

<strong>SLUG</strong> Mag<br />

FAX, SNAIL MAIL OR EMAIL<br />

US YOUR LETTERS!<br />

Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address:<br />

Dear Dickheads c/o <strong>SLUG</strong> Mag<br />

351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101<br />

or dickheads@slugmag.com<br />

6 SaltLakeUnderGround slugmag.com 7

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