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Dear Dickheads,<br />
Oh yeah, and stop killing trees, <strong>SLUG</strong>.<br />
I’d like to comment on your column for<br />
l<strong>as</strong>t month’s Beautiful Godzilla. I find<br />
it kind of sad and pathetic that you’re<br />
so judgmental of cyclists whom you<br />
consider “granola.” I mean, you may<br />
not have had to duck and binge so<br />
hard if you just open up to different<br />
types of people and enjoy yourself in<br />
the company of somebody showing<br />
you something that might be new.<br />
And really, I’m sure that you would<br />
appreciate the air in the mountains <strong>as</strong><br />
opposed to inhaling smog when you<br />
get on your bike. Even though <strong>SLUG</strong><br />
stands for “Salt Lake” Underground,<br />
Salt Lake is still a part of Utah, and<br />
Utah h<strong>as</strong> a lot to offer when it comes<br />
to experiencing the outdoors. Also,<br />
<strong>SLUG</strong> is supposed to be local-centric<br />
and anti-corporate. There’s nothing<br />
more local than our wild surroundings<br />
and disengaging from the constructs<br />
that society subjects us to. People who<br />
like to be outside and experience the<br />
beauties that our fair state h<strong>as</strong> to offer<br />
shouldn’t necessarily be labeled <strong>as</strong><br />
“granola,” either—there are plenty of<br />
people who commune with the earth<br />
whom I’m sure you’d call “granola,”<br />
like burners, who don’t even partake<br />
in activities that people do outside.<br />
And what’s so self-righteous about hiking<br />
or climbing a rock? Like … It’s just<br />
walking, but away from civilization. I<br />
will agree that you’re probably not an<br />
athlete, though—most urban cyclists<br />
are just a glorified set of calves.<br />
-A hiker against haterade<br />
Dear Walt Whitman,<br />
We get it. You <strong>as</strong>ked Beautiful<br />
Godzilla out on a date, saw<br />
her glorified set of calves, and<br />
thought she’d make a great<br />
hiking partner. Now you’re<br />
writing in ‘cause she had a<br />
horrible time listening to you<br />
go on and on about how the<br />
“divine soil” is the only truth on<br />
this earth, won’t call you back<br />
and made fun of you in her<br />
column. Walt, there’s absolutely<br />
nothing wrong with enjoying<br />
the outdoors. Even B.G. likes<br />
the way the mountains look <strong>as</strong><br />
a background in all her selfies.<br />
There’s just a fine line between<br />
Nature appreciation and …<br />
well, what you’re all about.<br />
All this talk about “communing<br />
with the earth” … It’s a little<br />
creepy. So is your beard. You<br />
may want to consider getting<br />
a trim and toning down the<br />
erotica a bit so your next OKCupid<br />
date doesn’t think you’re a<br />
homeless serial killer. As for the<br />
killing trees jab, all we have<br />
to say is LEAVES OF FUCKING<br />
GRASS.<br />
Take a hike, Walt.<br />
xoxo,<br />
<strong>SLUG</strong> Mag<br />
FAX, SNAIL MAIL OR EMAIL<br />
US YOUR LETTERS!<br />
Fax: 801.487.1359 • Mailing Address:<br />
Dear Dickheads c/o <strong>SLUG</strong> Mag<br />
351 Pierpont Ave. Ste. 4B SLC, UT 84101<br />
or dickheads@slugmag.com<br />
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