Seven and James Barely Baptist Church - The Noble NoZe ...

thenozecongress
Front Cover
Brother’s Page
Lariat Scandal (again)
Gettin’ Kinky
Lunar eclipse
Point
Counterpoint
Baylor Democrats Complain
Insignificant
DPS to arrest students
Wireside Laughs
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kekomuckitymuck
The Rope is a monthly,
published sporadically,
copyright 2006 by the
Noble NoZe Brotherhood.
Published with
pluck and luck since
1924. Any similarities
to any person, living or
dead, is probably intentional.
Cunning Linguist’s
Warning: Reading the
Rope may be hazardous
to your health. Satch!
volume82
number1
tableofcontents
Fine Living Section
An ode
Unrest at the NoZe Mansion
Party Guide!
Mr. PuZzle
NoZe in the Street
Guest Columnist: Tom Hanks
The Government is Watching You
Dear Lorde Mayor
Wanna be a NoZe Brother?
Back Cover
Keko Muckity Muck! Keko Muckity Muck! Mene Mene Tekle Upharsin! Satchel on, Brother Long
NoZe, Satch! BSSS! BMMC! HRGS! In the Not-Too-Distant-Future, or approximately four-score
and seven days, the elected office of the King of Texas will be selected from the connected
elite by the local disaffected and misdirected with lottery tickets in one hand, and a pocketful of
miracles in the other. Our survey has Kinky to win with 34%, but in all honesty, Allan Marshall’s
probably gonna get more votes, and with hope springing anew for Baylor Football, the Brothers
of NoZe dare to suppose that maybe the only big O’s in Baylor’s name will be under Brother
NoZe v. Wade’s “special tab” on the deck at George’s Foodplace instead of the stat sheets that
never seem to have a column for “heart”. Maybe in this season’s first issue our “Robot John
Morrisses” will give this Rope the play-by-play it always had no need for, keeping the voice of
Baylor Satire in the form Baylor understands the most: a triune one. So slime those freshman,
doze through Chapel, and remember you’ve probably already forgotten we had a Chancellor.
Can I get a Satch? Satchel? Satchelissimoo!!!!
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1
Director
broTheNoZeousMonk (1)
Studio Executive
broKurtVonNoZegut (2)
Executive Producer
broNoZeSequitur
Key Grip
broLovePotion#NoZe (3)
Producers
broAbstiNoZe (4)
broNoZeV.Wade (5)
broMarlonBrandNoZe
Cast (in order of appearance)
broKuntNoZeKinte
broNoZeBeforeHoes
broFatsDomiNoZe
broNoZeDef
broNoZepotism
broElectricNoZealoo (6)
broCliff’sNoZe (7)
broFearAndNoZingInElmMott (8)
Contact:
therope
Noble NoZe Brotherhood
P.O. Box 612
Elm Mott, TX 76640
NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com
TheRopeAdvertising@hotmail.com
www.TheNoZe.org
2.
6.
4.
7.
5.
8.
1.
3.

Lariat admits to image manipulation
Campus daily withdraws photograph of campus diversity, admits image was doctored, fires photographer.
The Baylor Lariat has withdrawn a
photograph depicting a new trend in campus
diversity and admitted that the image was doctored,
following the emergence of new suspicions
against images published by the paper.
On Monday, the Lariat admitted that one of its
photographers used software to distort an image
depicting campus diversity. The original
photo and the doctored photo can be seen to
the right.
The Lariat was embarrassed by the
obviously doctored photo where a blatantly
superimposed Allan Marshall was used an impressive
14 times in one photo. The photographer
was subsequently sacked.
Lariat editor Kelly Coleman was asked
for a statement about the photo. “We had photos
of Allan all over the place, and we grabbed
one we liked and went to town with it. That’s
ok, right?”
The Noble NoZe Brotherhood sent reporter
Bro. Cliff’s NoZe out to dig deeper into
the situation.
Bro. Cliffs NoZe was able to secure an
interview with President John Lilley.
Lilley replied, “it comes down to image.
One time, a photo was taken of me and I had a
few wrinkles. I knew that the photo was going
to run in the Lariat, so I made a few phone calls
and a donation to Kelly Coleman with a strict
restriction that it only be used for education
purposes.”
It was later discovered that all of Lilley’s
wrinkles were removed from the photo.
Student reaction to the scandal was mixed.
Student Body President Mark Laymon
said, “Allan is a stand-up guy. Any man should
be proud to be associated with him, and he is
working hard to expand campus diversity.”
In fact Marshall is doing a lot to expand
diversity. Bro. Cliff’s NoZe dug further
and discovered that Allan Marshall in fact had
a large picture of Bootsy Collins, bassist for
Parliament featuring George Clinton and the P-
Lariat photo, before and after diversification. While subtle, notice the addition of
several Alan Marshall clones to the second picture.
Funk All-Stars, hanging above his bed.
Marshall was asked for a comment on
the poster. “I identify more with Bootsy Collins
than with Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was a
great politician, but have you ever seen Bootsy
play bass? Bootsy is like the George Washington
of bass playing. Who wants to be Lincoln
when you can be the father of our nation?”
The Lariat was asked to comment on
why Bootsy Collins was not featured in the
doctored photo.
“He’s not even a Baylor student!” the
Lariat said. “But we did want the funk in the
photo. Unfortunately, we couldn’t have the
funk.”
But perhaps the most grievous error
occurred when a photographer from the Lariat
skewed a photo of a pregnant nun into the
NoZe Brotherhood 80th anniversary story.
Further investigation proves that the
Brother in question had a questionably large
beer gut. Dare you make fun of a man due to
the shape of his body? Shame on you.
Rest assured good reader, that The Rope
shall never try to fool you into believing that
our images are true. You must know that our
code of ethics strictly forbids us from publishing
anything that would mislead our dedicated
readers. Sleep well at night knowing that if you
see it, you can believe it.
Thank God the NoZe
Brothers regularly
produce an integrity
saturated rag.
18

Texas nymphomaniacs excited about getting
“Kinky in the governor’s office”
Last year popular Texan
Kinky Friedman, or as he is known
in some circles, Bro. The Yellow
NoZe of Texas (Satch!), announced
his plans to run in this year’s Texas
Gubernatorial Election as an Independent
Party candidate. Despite
lackluster performance by Independent
candidates in the past, Kinky
saw surprising support early on.
In recent months the Jewish
Cowboy, as he is known, has seen
a spike in polling numbers and we
here at The Rope have uncovered
the secret as to why.
“Oh man, I am getting so
hot right now,” said local nymphomaniac
Bulge Urlson. “I knew
Texas was slowly becoming a more
and more progressive state, but now
I am hearing about people ‘getting
Kinky in the Governor’s Office’ and
I am literally about to burst. I just
wish people would get more proactive.
Instead of talking about doing
it, why not take the guided tour of
the capital building and get kinky
along the way. I’ve done it before.”
It would appear that Mr.
Friedman’s newest constituency is
comprised mostly of sex addicts
who have completely misunderstood
his campaign slogans. Most
of Kinky’s said supporters don’t
even know that they are following
a person, instead believing that
people plan on performing various
sexual acts in the state government
offices.
All over Texas reports are
coming in of Kinky fans being arrested
for lewd misconduct in local
polling places. Last week a some
400 UT students were incarcerated
for hosting the first ever “sit-on” in
front of the capital building, though
it is suspected that this had nothing
to do with the misunderstanding
and was in fact a demonstration to
“keep Austin weird.”
Another of Kinky’s fans, one
Ph: 254.776.6776 703 N. Valley Mills
Poppa Rollo’s
17
Pizza, Beer and Fun
“Hey Billy, I managed
to sneak in an extra
large sausage, do ya
wanna see it?”
Candy Flapperstein, was perplexed
at the newest of the candidate’s
slogans. “I’m all for getting down
and dirty in the governor’s office, it
wouldn’t be my first time, but now
everyone is saying, ‘he’s not Kinky,
he’s my governor,’ and in my opinion
that is going too far. Sexual liberation
is one thing, but politicizing
it is a whole new ball game, forgive
the pun.”
Kinky’s outspoken critics
have complained that the gubernatorial
hopeful has full knowledge of
this phenomenon and is planning on
using it his advantage.
When contacted for a rebuttal
to these claims, Mr. Friedman
said, “Hell yeah. I am going to ride
this gravy train all the way into office.
This is going to work out better
than when I said I would make
Willie Nelson part of the cabinet in
order to win the stoner vote. Besides,
it’s not like what I am doing
is unethical, people vote based on
a name all the time. For example,
do you really think so many people
would have voted him in twice if
they knew Bush was a person?”
Recent polling has shown
that Texans favor Friedman over
Republican candidate Rick Perry
four to one, but since only one in
twenty nine non-republicans vote in
each election it would seem Texas
will be staying a red state for a long
time.
As for the Kinky campaign,
no plans have been made to re-educate
the new support and a new slogan
that reads, “Don’t Forget to Get
Kinky on November 7th, Ya’ll,”
will be hitting college campuses in
the very near future.
Holy Law #7 years
since the last rerun,
and MST3K is still
funny. Satch!
Ph: 254.752.0041 1229 N. 18th
Cancun Mexican
Tired of small
portions? Come to
Cancun, our carne
es mas grande!

U.S. establishes free Druidic state on the moon
No man has stepped foot on
the moon since the crew of Apollo
11 left the surface on December 14,
1972, and that was just the way the
locals liked it. But all that changed
this past month when the United
States established the first “free
state” on the surface of the moon
for religious refugees.
Ever since the domination
of Christianity in Europe, thousands
of Druidic peoples, or Druish
people as they are sometimes called,
have been persecuted all over the
continent. Even here in the U.S.,
shamanistic moon tribes have been
under constant attack since English
settlers first landed on Plymouth
Rock.
“The suffering and degradation
of these noble peoples will
stand no longer. From now on
the Druish people will be masters
of their own destiny,” said United
States President George W. Bush
at the signing of the constitution
for the Druish State of Lunasreal, a
state created and supported by the
U.S. government.
The new nation is located on
the West Bank of The Sea of Tranquility.
“Finally, a home of our own.
We have been a displaced people
for centuries now, and it is a great
thing the United States has done
for us,” praised Druish politician
Olaf Splendorwich. “We worship
the moon, even building temples to
it and having outlandish orgies in
its honor, so it is only fitting that it
would be given to us so that we may
live out the rest of our lives in our
holy land.”
Not everyone is so excited
about the establishment of the new
nation. Many displaced lunar natives,
dubbed Palislunians in English,
are furious over America’s actions
in the region.
Palislunian holy man,
Manontha Moonhamed made a public
statement on lunar television network
Apollojazeera after US troops
first set foot on the lunar surface
and began making room for the new
BearMeat blog
http://bearmeat.blogspot.com/
Baylor’s first sports blog!
“You know Tommy, I’ve
never seen a big piece
of bear meat..and I’m
quite curious”
residents. Moonhamed claimed, “It
is a terrible crime that the U.S. and
the Druish infidels have committed
against the Palislunian peoples. We
wish only to keep our homes, but
I fear now that we will forever be
expelled from the place we hold so
dear.”
Since the establishment of
the free Druish state of Lunasreal
conflict has broken
out in the region,
and with the full
support of the U.S.
military behind the
Lunasreali’s, the
Palislunians have
seen little success
in their effort to
win back the land
they believe is
rightfully theirs.
Palislunian
supporters say that
they have nothing
against the Druish
people, and believe they too deserve
a fair shake, they just wish that the
establishment of a home nation for
the Druids did not come at the cost
of so many lunar natives.
“I think the problems of the
West Bank are simply ludicrous,”
said U.S. Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumsfeld. “The U.S. owns
the moon, we have since ’69. It
was ours to give away. If the lunar
people had such a problem with us
staking a claim, they should have
fought harder to keep the moon
when we first got there.”
Many critics of the plan say
that the U.S. is escalating a conflict
they can’t hope to contain, let alone
understand. Some fear that America’s
involvement will cause backlash
from Palislunian sympathizer
groups, such as Al Crater.
Despite the U.S. extreme
action in the region, no other nation
seems to mind, let alone care, with
Palislunians launch anti-air missiles against
the Druish.
the exception of the British who are
in full support.
As for now, the conflict
seems unresolved and it would appear
that the only way the crisis can
ever truly end is if the U.S. does the
right thing and steps in to fix the
problem they are ultimately responsible
for.
I think the author
of this piece is trying
to say something.
16

By Bro. Fats DomiNoZe
I’m not going to mince words Sloan, I miss you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your
charming musk… but most of all I miss the undeniable inspiration you brought to us all.
Things haven’t been the same since you left. Sure, we had our differences, our tough
times, but in the end-- weren’t we all better for it? Didn’t we learn something? I know I did.
Remember the time when, on a moments notice, you and I winged on down to south
Spain for a long weekend? Those were the days. There’s something missing now that you’re
gone, some intangible excitement in the air that I can’t quite put my finger on. At least when
you were Chancellor, I could still pop in for tea and crumpets.
Maybe I grew accustomed to your face; I guess I just miss my best friend. And maybe
it’s time to move on, but let me tell you that I’m not ready. There will never be another one of
your kind. Things are boring around here with Lilley. I need an iron fist, not an oatmeal one.
The sense of adventure is gone, and the distinguishable taste of irony has fled. Sometimes I
have to remind myself that like some beautiful birds, you aren’t meant to be caged. Your feathers
were just too bright.
And just between the two of us, the faculty senate hasn’t been the same. You were the
Tom to their Jerry, or perhaps the Newman to their Jerry… I’m not quite sure. I want cages
rattled and feathers ruffled, and I can only hope that the fine folks at HBU will treat you with as
much respect as we did. I hope they welcome your vision with open arms and chocolate muffins.
If the faculty senate isn’t whining, and the regents aren’t divided, then this NoZe Brother
doesn’t sleep well.
15
Point: I Miss Bobby Sloan!
Bro. Fats DomiNoZe mourns the loss of his
thumbs.
Dock’s River Front
$2.00 you-call-its on Monday
$2.50 you-call-its on Friday
Located at the corner of
I-35 and Martin Luther King Blvd.
Ph: 254.714.2993
Come to Dock’s, we have more
catfish than you can handle.

Counterpoint: I Miss Food, Clothing, and Shelter
By: David Lyle Jeffrey
““At least I still have my pride, right!?”
I miss my old job.
I miss the wallpaper in my old Baylor office.
I even miss my afternoon rides down the elevators of Pat Neff. But most of all I miss the
ability to afford my family the standard of living we grew accustomed to when I was banking
as Baylor Provost.
Going from high-profile to no-profile is hard. Do you know the pain of selling a $75,000
boat for $20,000 in an estate auction? When you’re the Jeffster, it’s not easy to give up the finer
things in life-- people develop certain expectations.
You should have seen the expression on my daughters’s face when I brought home generic
peas instead of the name brand ones that my family had grown an attachment to. All of
our kids learned to chew solid foods with those peas! And to top it all off, things aren’t exactly
easy on the missus either... just last week we had to trade in her Beamer for a Sam’s Choice
Club car. (But on the bright side, I guess it does get good gas mileage.)
To be perfectly frank, I guess the news isn’t all dreary. It turns out that a guy like me
has options now. I can change my destiny. Just last week I got a job offer as shift leader at the
new Dairy Queen in Bellmead. I think a position like that will allow me to flourish creatively.
Also, it turns out my 401K plan will roll over to the Queen, so perhaps things are finally starting
to turn around for me.
That’s the guy who
screwed up my
Reese’s Blizzard
last week!
14

Baylor Democrats to host Anti-Pro-War Rally
This past weekend the Baylor Democrats,
a campus liberal group, hosted their first
ever Anti-Pro-War rally. Organizers pointed out
that they were not actually protesting the war,
but instead those individuals who are in support
of it.
“I have watched enough Daily Show to
know that Republicans, excuse me, war supporters
are all dumb,” said Baylor Democrats
president Karen Petree. “If the musings of John
Stewart have taught me anything, it’s that people
should make up their minds for themselves and
not follow the biased ponderings of a politically
biased TV personality like Bill O’Reilly.”
The rally saw a large turnout until the attendees
realized the function was in fact being
hosted by what some students called “hippie liberals.”
When asked to comment Clay Schramm,
another member of Baylor Democrats said, “I
really think people need to understand that we
aren’t here to protest the war per say, but more
the people who we perceive to be in support of it,
regardless of their political views. I know that as
Democrats, we are supposed to be open-minded,
but we are really trying to get the message out
254.755.0070 1321 S. Valley Mills
Bankstons
cards, comics, and miscellany
13
there that we can be as politically obtuse as the
next party.”
“When I first came to this school, it
wasn’t cool to be a Democrat,” lamented Sean
O’Neil of the organization.
“But now with Puff Daddy
and Paris Hilton on the
lefty bandwagon, it’s getting
harder and harder to retain
that surly, yet individualistic,
stereotype that people
like Michael Moore worked
so hard to create. Now that
everyone is becoming more
open-minded socially, we
have to protest Republicans
themselves, not just the actions
of their ‘lesser-of-twoevils’
President.”
Though the Baylor
Democrats themselves
deemed the rally a huge success,
other campus political organizations where
not convinced.
Chairman of the Baylor College Republicans,
Robert Watts, was quoted as saying,
“Please tell me this is the
lost episode of Star Trek
where Kirk and Spock
finally kiss.”
Baylor Democrat member preparing
for the upcoming election season.
“Huh?! What other party?”
Stephanie Bialko, who asked to be referred
to as Anti-Republican (as opposed to
Democrat, claiming that was cooler) said, “The
only thing worse than Republicans
anymore is these
Kinky supporters. Don’t
they know they are going
to steal away votes from
our party, which actually
has a chance? It’s hard
enough getting votes for
liberal candidates without
those idiots stealing the
idealistic pot head vote!
They are just doing it to be
cool anyway.”
The rally ended without
any major problems, which
many attribute to the low
attendance, seeing as how
this is a conservative campus.
The Baylor Democrats are already planning
their next big event, tentatively titled, “Let’s Get
Passive Aggressive: A Night of Poignant Political
Chalking.”
254.757.2957 1123 S. 8th St.
Common Grounds
At Common Grounds we have the meanest cup of
Cowboy Coffee this side of the Brazos.

Beta social chair demoted
Fraternity president claims chair is no longer “his boy, Blue!”
Beta Theta Pi fraternity’s social chair
Matt Oliver was removed from office recently
when it was discovered that he was no longer
able to fulfill his official duties. Social chairs
are expected to be the public face of a fraternity,
and a shining example of the organization’s
engaging personality.
Sources close to the fraternity say that
Oliver’s inability to keep up with new comedy
movies, and therefore new comedy movie
quotes, is the primary reason for his removal.
With his failure to see Talladega Nights: The
Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Oliver’s fate was
sealed.
When approached for question, Beta
president Dave Duncan was more than happy
to tell his side of the story. Duncan explained,
“So last week I see him in the bathroom of
Hankamer, and I took the chance to give him a
good laugh. I walked up, took the urinal next
to him and waited for him to look over at me.
When he did, I looked down at my piece and
said to him, ‘Oh yeah, it’s the real deal down
Beta social chair Matt Oliver seen partying shortly after
reconstructive surgery.
there.’ He just stared at me like I was crazy.
After a minute I said, ‘I wake up in the morning
and I piss excellence!’ Still nothing! I was
ashamed to know him.”
People in the bathroom claim Duncan
stormed out after the exchange and referred
to Oliver as “Pepe Le Bitch”, another popular
quote from the movie Talladega Nights.
With the scope of this scandal becoming
apparent to the Rope staff, reporter Bro.
Cliff’s NoZe was dispatched to get the scoop
from the rest of the Betas.
“Meow, he knew the rules of his position
when he took it meow. Meow, we had to
give him the boot and hope he learned his lesson
meow,” explained Ernest Austin, another
member of the fraternity. When questioned
if he was actually saying “meow”, Austin
changed the subject and offered Bro. Cliff’s
NoZe a beer. The beer was discovered to have
a bar of soap in it and Austin claims to have
“gotten [him] good,” and that Cliff’s NoZe was
a “rookie bee-otch.”
After reporting back
with his findings, Bro.
Cliffs NoZe said, “My
god, those guys are unbelievable.
It was all ‘earmuffs’
this, and ‘once it
hits your lips, it’s so good’
that. Frankly I found the
whole ordeal exhausting.”
Kip Thiston, yet another
Beta, was questioned
about Oliver’s removal,
and he too was unable to
answer a question coherently.
Thiston told the
NoZe, “Do you like my cologne? It’s the scent
of desire, m’lady. Sex Panther that is. It has
bits of real panther in it, that’s how you know
it’s good.”
It was later discovered that the odor was in
fact not Sex Panther, but instead the overbearing
scent of douche bag.
Though the social coup within Beta was
swift and merciless, Oliver seemed resigned to
his fate.
“I knew what was expected of me. As
social chair, I was supposed keep up with what
was hip, to better showcase the personality of
Beta,” Oliver lamented. “Rule #1: never leave
a fellow crasher behind. Rule #76: no excuses.
Play like a champion! These were the rules I
was lived by, and I failed my brothers.
The members of Beta were quick to
recognize Oliver’s remorse and offered to give
him a second chance. Matt was given his old
post of social chair back under the condition
that he see Talladega Nights twice and pre-order
tickets to the Borat movie.
It was reported that all was forgiven between
Beta’s current president and re-crowned
social chair. After a hearty embrace Duncan
was heard to say, “Why can’t I quit you?”
Why are they
writing about Beta? Last
I checked, they weren’t
exactly on my list of
interesting topics.
12

DPS to ticket pedestrians on campus
Proliferation of banana peels cited as cause
Bright ideas are often born on the crapper.
The same goes for the not-so-bright ones.
Baylor DPS, after spending the better
part of the afternoon in the can, decided to ticket
pedestrians found on campus as a further precaution
to student’s safety after
deciding last week to ticket
longboarders.
“When I was a
child, my brother tied my
shoelaces together while
I was taking a nap during
an episode of Clutch
Cargo (with Spinner and
Paddlefoot),” Police Chief
Dim Joak said. “I ran outside
to play stickball with
my friends, and when I
reached the threshold of
our neo-modernist, pre-colonial,
gothic ranch house, I
tripped down the stairs and
rolled into the moat meant
to keep out carpetbaggers.
I fought for my life while
my friends placed bets on
the odds I would survive. I’ll never forgive my
brother.” Students are baffled by Joak’s logic.
“How are we supposed to get to class if
we can’t walk there?” freshman Cindy Daphne
Clue said.
Joak, sitting in his chair at police head-
11
Artist rendering of Joe Baylor
in 2060 “Hangin’ Ten” on his
“Tubular H-Board.”
quarters, petting a Siamese cat with his iron claw,
offered a reply.
“Hoverboards. If it’s good enough for
Marty McFly, it’s good enough for Baylor.”
But the main problem with issuing 15,000
studentshoverboardsisthe
cost, and the fact that Mattel
never manufactured
them in the first place. According
to Mattel, the cost
of manufacturing a hoverboard
would cost around
$30,000, roughly $5,000
more than a year’s tuition
at the Baylor Barber Kollege
of Knowledge.
President Lilley called an
emergency meeting of the
Regents to address the issue.
“Look fellas, we have a
serious problem on this
campus,” Lilley said.
“Either we spend a few
hundred bucks to have all
the banana peels removed
from 5th street, or we spend $450,000,000 on
hoverboards. What’s it gonna be?”
Regent Jim “Pepsi” Turner said, “I think
I’ve got a five hundred thousand dollar bill in my
wallet. Just keep the change.”
So a high-volume discounted order of
hoverboards are heading down Interstate 35 towards
Waco as we speak and freshman “Rude”
John Jude is practicing his hop-ons with an old
skateboard he found in a dumpster. Unfortunately,
while practicing, he was arrested by Baylor
DPS for riding a longboard-type mode of transportation.
The only problem with the mass order of
hoverboards seems to be that Mattel believes it
will take 50 years to complete the order, mainly
due to the fact that the technology doesn’t exist
yet.
Dim Joak said that he is sorry to inform
students that unfortunately they will have to
learn to walk on air until the hoverboards arrive
for the class of 2060.
“It’s really a Christ-like quality, and we
should all strive to be more like our Lord and
Savior,” Joak said.
Physics department spokesman Dr. Scott
“I’d like butter on my” Yost offered a response.
“It’s impossible for humans to walk on air. I’m
surrounded by morons. I quit.”
Upon hearing Yost’s response, Joak
countered, “Nothing is impossible with God.”
Holy Law #747s would be
easier to sleep on if they
were more like Chapel.
Scruffy Murphy’s
“If I told you that you had a nice body, would you
hold it against me?”
Come to Scruff’s, where your terrible pickup lines will work.
Between 12th and 13th on Speight

HONEST ALLEN’S FIRESIDE CHATS
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 2006
The Common Baylor Community Sickens Me
Please don’t hold this post against
me. You all know that I’m honest
through and through, and that when
I get a burning desire to express
myself, the first place I turn to is my
blog (which unfortunately is public).
But I digress: by Lincoln’s beard you
people disgust me!
I know, I know… I realize this is substantially
detrimental to my position
as EVP but until now I’ve been able
to keep my disgust for you Facebook
fanatics, you pious posers, and you ill-mannered ingrates under my fedora. Unfortunately
for you, my cool disposition can no longer bare the collective obsessions of
modern blog-posting and my regrettably forthright nature. Let’s get right to it.
When I Sneeze I Expect a “Bless-You.”
So I’m studying in the library when some Zeta sneezes. It’s one of those “hold your
breath so you get that cute little sneeze but at the same time risk blowing something
in your brain” sneezes and I think nothing of it and offer a “bless-you” with two or
three other neighbors, because that just happens to be the lesser extent of my moral
character. And then everything goes quiet again, everyone goes back to studying
when all of a sudden I feel this mighty sneeze arising in my nasal cavity.
This potent yet respectful spasm sounds in the communal area of the library and I
wipe my hands clean (despite the fact that it was a dry sneeze) and begin to study
again when I realize that no one said “bless-you” for my sneeze. I look around and
realize that no one even thought about it, not even the girl I had just shown the same
courtesy to. I dismissed the thought: Allan Marshall does not jump to conclusions
about one’s moral character, and like Cousin Bertha says, “Don’t start kicking ass until
ass kicking presents itself warranted.” But then some freshman sneezes (without
covering his mouth, mind you) and a fair amount of people offer their good manners
as if it were reflex.
What the hell is wrong with this society? When your honest EVP shows a momentary
(but by no means pertinent) weakness you fail to offer any remorse, but when stupid
freshmen and shallow girls do, you’re all “Dear God! Bless your soul! Are you sick!?
Is there anything I can do?” Frankly, I’m appalled.
posted by Honest Allan @ 3:09 AM
About Me
Name:
Allan Chelsea Marshall
Location:
Waco, TX
I keep no secret of the fact that I am honest.
And as you can tell by this public internet
blog, I am open. I would say that I am common
to show that I am humble as well (which
is true) but that would be a lie, and as I have
previously stated I am honest. But I am
nothing without Christ. People are alright, I
guess.
Previous Posts
* Dear Lord it is Difficult to Stay Honest
* Lincoln could beat up Chuck Norris
* The Pariah that is My Soul
* My Dry Cleaning Bills are Outrageous
* Sea Otters are Cute
* Trekkies: The Next Generation of Cool
How come every time
I Google “Kermit the Frog“
this site comes up?
10

The NoZe presents: Fine Living
Bro. NoZepotism reveals how to win your future in-laws over for cheap
Everyone knows one of the most stressful
situations in a relationship is meeting the parents.
This is very often a make or break point. In
my five years, and three engagements, I’ve come
up with a game plan that will leave the future
in-laws speechless while leaving you plenty of
money to buy those sweet, sweet 40’s. Here are
five easy steps to please the future in-laws and
ensure that your sweetie will be pleasing you for
months to come.
1) Dumpster Diving- Now, some people
will claim that you can find a veritable cornucopia
of the earth’s bounty behind the ghetto HEB,
and that the dumpster behind the local fried
chicken shack will more than provide for a family
of 20. But if you really wanna show off some
class, here’s a simple rule: the more expensive
the place, the better the garbage.
Personally, I prefer 1424, that classy Italian
place downtown. Sometimes they throw out
whole loaves of that delicious bread, and leaving
of them out on the dinner table can be the proverbial
foot in the door to the in-law’s hearts.
For salads, you gotta go the Taj-Ma-
HEB. They’re the only ones that throw out the
organic produce. Endives? Who knows what
they are, but damn if they don’t leave the future
baby mama’s parents impressed.
For a main course, there’s only one option:
Claypot. Half the time they don’t even
close their back door, so if you can get in and
9
out without being seen, you can walk away with
their “secret sauce.” Throw that stuff on anything
else that you have managed to scrounge up, cook
up some steamed rice, and bam!, a fancy Asian
dish that will knock their socks off (if they don’t
like it, just drop hints about their unsophisticated
pallet).
2) Wines- Save up some fancy wine
bottles that you have taken in from the dumpster
outside of Casa Royale, fill them with Franzia (or
if your desperate, Night Train). Your girlfriends
parents will probably never know.
3) Grooming- MCC offers discount
haircuts/manicures/pedicures to people who are
willing to be guinea pigs for their cosmopology
students. If they mess up, claim it’s the latest
style from “back east.” If they are from the east
coast, claim it’s from “out west.”
4) Clothing- This is kinda tricky. I still
haven’t figured this one out.
5) Culture- Every couple of months the
local mega-bookstores throw out tons of novels.
A simple trip to their waste receptacle and
you’ll be buried in culture. It doesn’t matter if
all the books are trashy romance, or liberal filth.
A makeshift book cover will disguise that fact.
Your best bet is to do some preliminary research,
and look for the Barnes and Noble editions of
classics. Five minutes in the Baylor library (using
your roommate’s account) and you’ll be able
to reproduce respectable covers. A bookcase full
of these and you’ll look well read, well versed,
and they won’t even notice you look like the
lovechild of the 1950’s and early 90’s.
Bro. NoZepotism, growing brillo pads on
his face since 1983.
Holy Law #3 Holy Laws
always seem to be enough
to fill up space.
Consignment Furniture
Showroom
Open Monday-Saturday, 10 am - 7 pm
“Well dear, I think it’s just about time we bought a desk
big enough for the two of us.”
7524 Bosque Blvd. Ph: 254.235.7770

An ode to the cowboy
who walks beside me
Reminiscent of the Marlboro Man (sans the beautiful country-side, horse, advertised
tobacco product, and humble, experienced looks), you, young wrangler, walk
beside me as I journey forth towards my introduction to sociology class on a hot Monday
morning.
The impeccable contrast to three freshmen
who care not a whim for those victimized in earshot
of their gossip (I digress, Clayton: Mallory
is pissed that you didn’t call her and she feels apathetic
enough to you now to publicly proclaim
“you can blow her”), your attire makes everyone
nostalgic for the arduous but pragmatic nature
of one’s origins-- homes where one rises early to
guide large herds of cattle across the open fields
of the frontier lands, as opposed to now, when
one rises early because one’s art history class is
across campus and scheduled at a most unfortunate
hour.
A black felt hat sits upon your cabeza
(that’s Spanish for “head”) as a beacon of your
western brand, shaming the majority of us who
have long forgotten and now excuse the largebrimmed
fedora from our attire’s attendance.
That hat rests upon your head in compliment to your plaid knitted shirt, which tucks
well into the creased jeans you have fastened by a belt and its grandiloquent buckle. A
lesser, more common man would have feared such garb for the chaffing it would more
than likely produce in the late hours of this hot summer’s day, but no, not you! Though
your skin may appear to have been pampered soft and your girth enlarged by a comfortable
home life I can see by the stride of your unsullied boots that you are genuine and
made of harder stuff than most.
I wonder where your hardy ambition takes you: psychology? Child education?
Business administration? I do not possess the time to pursue, nor the imagination to
fathom, the possibilities inherent in such a query, young wrangler. But wherever you
may venture, I am certain you possess the social and intellectual experience to wrestle
all faced conundrums.
Rush KΩT!
Now I know where
they got the inspiration
for Brokeback Mountain.
Tragedy strikes
NoZe mansion
A fortunate turn of events led to a showdown
last night at the NoZe Brotherhood mansion, which
was unfortunately ended by police intervention. All
parties involved were affiliated with the Noble NoZe
Brotherhood (Satch!) and as such are questionable as
sources.
To date, the only confirmable information released
revolves around one Bro. Cliff’s NoZe being
taken into custody by the police when he apparently
tried to bludgeon a fellow NoZe Brother to death with
a bulk package of Hostess cupcakes.
Luckily, we managed to catch him being taken
out of the towering six story estate. Unluckily for him,
however, he was covered in crème filling and being
trailed by a litter of cats dying to get a lick.
When asked for comment he stated, somewhat
exacerbated, “I wrote this article… All I wanted was a
fair shot, and I couldn’t even get that. (Linguist Note:
This is true.) He wouldn’t even read my articles! (Linguist
Note: Also true.) He doesn’t even tell me what he
wants me to write!” While struggling with the police,
he cried out, “If it wasn’t for all these freakin’ cats, I’d
take another crack at him!”
As Bro. Cliff’s NoZe was being carried off,
Bro. TheNoZeous Monk emerged with small ½ inch
lacerations and Scooby Doo band aids covering his
arms and neck.
When asked for comment Bro. TheNoZeous
stared blankly at the reporter and simply stated, “This
is terrible!” When asked if he would recover from the
assault, he replied, “I couldn’t give a rats ass about
the attack, (Linguist’s Note: To be honest, I quite like
Hostess cupcakes) I’m talking about the ‘article’ he
wrote.”
As Bro. Cliff’s NoZe was being mildly beaten
in order to prepare him for prison life, he let forth one
last quip, “I’ll get you some day, Bro. Monk… and
next time it’ll be Twinkies!” (Linguist’s Note: There
will be no next time.)
8

Official Fall 2006 Fraternity Party Guide
As part of our required community service for Baylor Judicial Services, the Noble NoZe Brotherhood (Satch!) has dedicated this space to
informing freshmen on what to expect during this Fall’s party season. No matter which party you attend, keep in mind that drinking, trying to get
laid, and general debauchery will lead to happiness.
7
Matt McDade, coming to
party near you this Fall.
ATO – Avoid eye contact with Daniel Cook, and if at all possible, avoid attending.
Beta – Be ready for horseshoes, washers, fat chicks and getting drafted by “Team Wasted.”
BYX – Come for the Christian fellowship, stay because your salvation depends upon it.
Delt – Expect John Green to ask random partygoers to help him “tap” a keg.
Also, be sure to come dressed in a pastel Polo, plaid shorts and Ray Ban sunglasses
securely fastened by neon croakies.
Fiji – Step 1: Pre-party at the SLC in fashionable workout attire (preferably tight-fitting).
Step 2: Spend three hours sculpting, waxing, plucking and adjusting front-tuck.
Step 3: Accessorize.
Kappa Sig – Six words: Beer goggles are not an option.
KOT – Freshman, despite what they say, you’re not required to show your Baylor ID.
However, you are required to show some form of Ducks Unlimited membership.
Pike – Never go alone. Do not trust any of their beverages and most importantly, do not come.
Phi Chi – See Kappa Sig, but add a splash of Jesus.
ΣAE – See Delt, but add some class and subtract bronzer.
ΣΦE – R.I.P.
ΣX – The drunken red-head is not having seizures, he’s dancing.
TKE – Do we really need to even bother?
A Bear of a Team
bear
cotton
With such famous
clients as these, we
invite you to join the
growing family of Bear
Cotton customers.
254.296.0095
Recognize these familiar faces?
Screen printing - Embroidery - TShirts - Caps

Mr. PuZzle Sez...
What’s the fastest route between
Chapel and your intro chemistry
class in the science building?
Answer: Becoming a business major.
254.756.2721 920 Kultgen Fwy.
Clay Pot
“Wowee Zowee, this
is a good cup of
jasmine tea!”
Why do I get the
feeling that we’re just filling
up space here? God forbid
that those NoZe Brothers be
original for once.
6

NoZe Brotherhood
weekly forecast
5
Before you make plans,
check out the forecast!
Wednesday
Scattered sunshine with a
37% chance of Mongolian
invasion.
Thursday
Heavy showers and total
annihilation of the human
race by unforeseen causes.
Friday
7% chance of second
coming, 93% chance of
miscalculated odds.
Saturday
Clear, ideal for kite flying
and picnicking.
Sunday
Scattered pop-corn showers.
Monday
37% of British invasion,
establishing an
imperialistic state.
Similes are like
diamonds from heaven
By: Dr. Tom Hanks, above-average English professor
Good day! Greetings students, fellow
faculty and common riff-raff. Today, I’ll
be treating you to a piece as timeless
as the rivers that suckled our early
civilizations. I’m addressing, specifically,
the importance of similes in everyday
use.
Similes are as crucial to successful
conversation as anti-Semitism is to the
Palestinian cause. Their value is like
Baylor’s immeasurable debt. Some claim
erroneously that similes are like metaphors.
Not so! Similes are far more
striking, much like lightning during a hot
summer’s night. Sometimes when a metaphor
is utilized to make a comparison,
it’s as useless as a three-legged dog
at the racetrack. Similes are always effective, like the whiskey
I occasionally put into my coffee to sooth my nerves.
Similes also trounce metaphors in their street cred. Ever
since the movie Clueless, everyone can, like, find a way to introduce
a simile into conversation. Metaphors are like ice-cream sundaes,
nice to think about but sticky in reality. Not only that, but
a conversation without similes is as lifeless as immigration reform.
In fact, similes are as important to democracy and free-thinking
as football is to Baylor. A people without it are like a sunny day
without warmth. Conversations are left as cold as Larry Chonko’s
heart when grading business projects.
So, I encourage you all to learn the importance of similes,
just like the drunken frat boy to your left learned the legal
system, by experience. Enjoy similes like I enjoy my job: every
day!

This Article Read During National Security Briefing
After the release of this issue of The Rope
which you are currently reading, the Noble NoZe
Brotherhood (Satch!), and any student who read
this publication, were put on a super secret FBI
watch list today. Sources close to the federal
security agency said there are now plans to spy
on the secret society and anybody with even the
slightest association with them.
After the terrorist attacks of 9/11, and
the passing of the Patriot Act, the Department
of Homeland Security, in conjunction with
the CIA, FBI and other federal enforcement
agencies, have begun random searches
on publications and email transmissions.
Their idea is to look for any given number
of words, called spook words, which would
signal suspicious behavior, thus allowing security
agencies to identify potential threats
before they become a problem. Examples of
spook words include: terrorism, military
and White House.
“Wow, I really can’t believe what is
going on here anymore. This article started
off as a simple restaurant review and now
they are all over us like a Kappa Delta at
Golden Corral,” said Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut.
“All I said was that the restaurant’s Middle
Eastern food was ‘the best I had ever tasted.’
That it was a ‘jihad of flavor, and [the food]
issued a fatwa calling the assassination of
the president of hunger living in my belly.’
Maybe it was a little offensive to Arab people,
but it was all in good fun. Personally, I thought
it was very clever, and I never expected all this
hubbub.”
Now under the watchful eye of the
United States Government, the NoZe
Brotherhood (Satch!), and hopefully everyone
reading this piece, have been careful to
not act out in any kind of explosive behavior.
“Man, those guys are total fascists! …
Or is it communists? I can never decide what
overly angst ridden term to use,” declared Bro.
Breakin’ 2: Electric NoZealoo.
NoZe, Rope Readers Placed on FBI Watch List
Cunning Linguist Bro. TheNoZeous
Monk was also very outspoken on the subject. “I
don’t think people understand how bad this has
gotten. We can’t even use words like “lacrosse,”
“artichoke” or “badger,” because they are all
spook words. No joke. Maybe we bring it on
ourselves, I mean the fact that we wear disguises
can be misconstrued as undercover activities,
but we are just trying to remain anonymous in
case of administration backlash. It’s not so much
to evade being spied on. But now, because of all
Enforcement officer Bilko Johnson teaching Rope
reader Elian Gonzalez a lesson.
the Arab references Bro. VonNoZegut made in
the third paragraph of this piece, it has become
quite handy. This whole mess is a hot button issue,
and we don’t want any problems with the
government.”
The NoZe have also made it clear that
they wish to apologize to anyone that reads this
piece on their website, because they too will now
be watched. They say that there is no point in
using firewalls, passwords or other forms of
internet security, because these people are expert
hackers and are capable of circumventing
all forms of encryption. They will be able to secure
information on all the sites you have been
to, including porno sites in which you watch
people having sex.
“In the end, I really don’t think it’s that
big of a deal. No one will get in any trouble
over it. It’s not like we are the Illuminati or
anything,” Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut said. “Plus, I
think everyone is making a big stink over nothing.
Most people don’t even know it’s happening.
And, if you aren’t doing anything
wrong, then you don’t have anything to
worry about—HEY! My arm doesn’t bend
that way!”
(Linguist Note: After giving his thoughts
on the subject, Bro. VonNoZegut was picked
up in a stylish black van by a group of gentlemen
wearing black ski masks. Perhaps
he was late for a flight on an airplane to
Aspen or Breckenridge. I hope they made it
to the airport on time.)
All involved in this spook word fiasco
have expressed their desire to see the problem
resolved quickly. In other news, The
Rope will no longer be published due to the
appearance of black helicopters over the
NoZe Brothers’ Elm Mott Mansion.
That guy with the
gun looks a little too
happy to be busting up
NoZe fans.
4

Dear Lorde Mayor
3
Lorde Mayor Bro. Kurt VonNoZegut
dismisses the paparazzi.
Bored in class? Well stop wasting
your time, visit our website!
www.TheNoZe.org
Check out old Ropes, hot pictures
and blabber on our messageboard!
Dear Lorde Mayor,
What if I told you that pancakes, chocolate
chip cookies and pineapple upside down cake
were all made with the same ingredients?
That it’s all in the preparation. Well, the same
is true for rocks!
~Rockin’ for Jocks
Dear Dr. M. Greene,
First off, I would call you a liar sir! Then I
would remind you that you need pineapples to
make pineapple upside down rocks.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
Did you hear I got a new job?
~Chancellor Emeritus
Dear Robert Sloan
Here’s hoping it’s better than a shit sandwich.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
What can a strapping young lad such as myself
do for fun here in Waco, Texas.
~Formerly of Tyler
Dear New Freshmen,
I’ve been hearing rumors of Coolio coming for
homecoming.
Dear Lorde Mayor,
I don’t have time for you anymore, now that I
have a REAL job! Oh, snap!
~Remembering My Days
Dear Bro. Charles K. PoNoZi
Yeah, I heard about that new job. If
you go next door, tell Dante I said hello. I
know he’s not even supposed to be there today,
but chances are he will be.
Dear Lorde Mayor
Did you hear boss? I’m a lawyer now!
~Missing His Beloved Scruff’s
Dear Bro. Obi-Wan KeNoZebi
Hate to break it to you brother but taking the
bar exam does not equal passing the bar exam
Dear Lorde Mayor,
You know what I like about freshman girls? I
keep getting older and they stay the same age.
~Still Hanging Around
Dear Caleb Marsh,
Quoting movies huh? I hear Beta needs a new
social chair.
Oh my God, who is
that horribly disfigured
person!?

Class schedule suffocating you?
Get a breath of fresh air at
UNRUSH
In accordance to a writ of proboscis issued
by the most immaculate and supreme, glorified
and deep fried Elmo, the Noble NoZe
Brotherhood is hosting its 82nd bi-annual
UnRush and Luau! The gala event will be
held Thursday, September 7th at 11:17
post mullet in the proximity of Seven
and James Barely Baptist Church (on
James Street). Bring a flotation device
and whatever you do, don’t come!
So, you wanna be a NoZe Brother?
Then you gotta come to
PAPER PICKUP
Paper pickup will be Sunday, September
10th, at 3:47 post milk in the vicinity of the
Burleson Statue on Baylor Campus. Original
satirical submissions of 4,219 words
or less (preferably much, much less) will
be accepted. Flotation devices will not be
accepted. Make sure to include your name,
phone number, GPA and favorite tool
(freshmen, put SAT score in lieu of GPA).
Remember, NO teats, piddle, or caca, and
for Elmo’s sake..BE FUNNY THIS TIME!