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Admit UChicagoFrom the Office of AdmittanceTHE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGO

Office of AdmittanceHarper 145Chicago, IL 60637editor@chicagoshadydealer.comchicagoshadydealer.comMy Dearest,O, how I have pined for you these months since our last meeting. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, butin truth my desire to have you in my arms once more is matched only by the unbearable weight of knowing that whenI turn around the corner, I shall not see you there. I could have simply inserted this missive into the post, or even had itdelivered by private courier. But these media could not contain even the smallest fraction of my love. No, my love for youis so great that it must be heard across the nation!So here I am, reaching out to you via my top-tier college’s annual brochure. Would that the academic programs wepromote in here could teach me how to cope with the miles between us. Would that the campus map showed the wayto a world in which we could be always together. You must know that these Arts/Sports and Food could never inspire,exhilarate, or sate me as you can. When you read our application tips, know that you are the only person who I will everreally accept. Our attempts to experience and engage with the surrounding communities are but a pale shadow of theefforts I would put forth to experience you. My love, unlike the achievements and demographics of the College, cannotbe summed up in graphs or charts or numbers. Finally, know that the raucous culture our institution is known for is butthe manifestation of my wild, uncontrollable lust to have your soft body sandwiched between me and the bathroom doorof Maravillas once more.Have you yet come to a decision concerning my proposal of marriage? I know you have received similar tokens of lovefrom the vile Donald H. Pfister, Dean of Harvard College Admissions, but please, know that his love is fleeting – hardto win at first, but dull and unsatisfying once you have it. Not only that, but he will only give you the financial supportyou “need.” Know that I will give you everything I know you truly MERIT. Also, I hear he cheats. Please, let me knowof your decision by May 1st.Madly yours,James G. NondorfDean of College Admissions and Financial Aid

Study. Study. Weep.Majors, Minors, and (Inter)disciplinary OptionsAnthropologyArt HistoryBiological SciencesSpecializations in:Cellular and Molecular BiologyCutting Things OpenDiplomatic ImmunologyFLIES!Competitive Race and Ethnic StudiesComputer ScienceEast Asian Languages and CivilizationsEconomicsSpecializations in:EmbezzlementInvestment SpankingInheritanceEugenicsGender and Sexuality BuddiesHerstoryHistory and Philosophy of Hips(HIPS)IgnoranceLatin American StudiesLandscape ArchitectureLawns, Litter and SocietyMarrying Into WealthMasturbationMathematicsMidwestern Languages and CivilizationsAreas of study include:Minnesota NiceThe Daley DynastyMusicPhilosophy and Allied FieldsPhilosophy and Axis FieldsPhysicksPolitical SéancePretensePsychologyPubic PolicyRevengeUncommon FactsThe RegensteinLibrary’s new daylight-spectrumlampshelp you distinguishbetween SeasonalAffective Disorder andthe regular kind.Romance Languages and LiteraturesAreas of study include:“French”Slavic Languages and LiteraturesSmall ProblemsSPAAAAACESouth Asian Languages and CivilizationsAreas of study Include:AustralianStatisticsWild Speculation

ACADEMICSOur wide selection of classes ensure that learning is the highlight of your day. Whether learning Urduor what very well could be a science if people got their heads out of their asses, you’re sure to love yourcourses here. We’ve selected a representative sampling of uncommon students to share their typicallyuncommon schedules:Masturbation 20607:Multivariable MasturbationBiological Sciences35020: Life Will Find aWayLawns, Litter and Society20101/CompetitiveRace and Ethnic Studies34010: There Goesthe NeighborhoodSlavic Languages andLiteratures 13000:Czech Your PrivilegeAnthropology 32011:Invisibility of MarginalizedPeoples: How toHide a BodyEugenics 11100: SystematicElimination ofthe WeakEconomics 11200/Masturbation20200: TheInvisible HandSPAAAAACE 10100: SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE!Biological Sciences409600: Colonial andPostcolonial InsectsPhilosophy and AlliedFields 23647: The Semioticsof SemioticsPhilosophy and AlliedFields 23648: The Semioticsof “The Semioticsof Semiotics”Social Sciences 10201:Go Talk to Her, Man,What’s the Worst Thingthat Could Happen?

STUDENT LYFEIs there really lyfe on campus? Exo-biologists have found evidenceof amyno acyds, but given the lack of definitive evidenceof water on campus, the odds of finding real lyfe are minimal.Still, until we can get manned missions to campus, we can’tknow for sure.STUDENT LYFE

EAT UCHICAGOThere are many dining options on campus. With nearly four main dininghalls touting an impressive 24:1 student:server ratio at any given moment, and20 campus cafes serving everything from coffee and premade sandwiches tocoffee and premade salads, you can find a delicious option for any meal. Hereare some of the highlights:One of the two main cafeteriason campus, Bartlett isa hub for student kvetching.The building was originally agymnasium, and the sweat ofthe athletes of yesteryear hassoaked into the very core ofthe building, giving all of thefood a salty tang.Arley D. Cathey dining hall,the newest on campus, featureswindows and multiplebeverage stations. It is oftencryptically referred to as“South.” The dining hall alsosupports incredible biodiversity,from the largest fruit flycolony in Illinois to a strainof mouse that produces 25%more excrement on average.“You either hateCobb Cafe or everyonehates you.”RONALD LEFT-BRAIN, fourth yearmajoring in Philosophyand AxisFields.“Midway Market,colloquiallyknown as ‘BartMart,’ is the campus’smost convenientconveniencestore. Justsouth of the midwayfrom whichit takes its formalname, its nicknamecomes from owner, proprietor, and Universitydonor Barton South.”FLURRY FLANDERSON, second yearmajoring in Investment Spanking.“Located in ourbrand new artsbuilding, the LoganCafe pretendsto be a fancy museumrestaurant.In reality, it isrun by Arby’s. Itsometimes featureslive musicconcerts!”DRUNELLA C. FEATHERMASS, fifth yearmajoring in Linguistophysiology.“This Einstein’sBagel Shop is famousfor its $1gram of cocaineWednesdays.”B.A. Duesoon,first year majoringin AutomotiveMaintenance.

HELP FOR YOUR SOCIAL LIFERegistered Student OrganizationsOutdoor Adventure Club:This club has been giving students an outlet for exploring the wilderness for over two decades. Famous for the close-knitbonds they form around long time president James “The Reverend” Jones, the club is best known for their annual campingtrip to Brazil. This club is the perfect fit for students just looking for a place where anyone can fit in!Commuknity:This group of knitters certainly knows how to stitch together the University and the local community! Through their before andafter school programs for unprivileged children, this group generates an astounding 2.5 tons of knitted products annually! TheRSO’s garment business is so successful, they don’t even need RSO funding to turn a tidy profit for all members!AKPsiDo you really know what it means to Lead, really? This fraternity of leaders is for those among us who know exactly what itmeans to have power in America and internationally. Join them for any of their weekly council meetings, but only if you firmlyunderstand your place in a world of followers.Secular AllianceThis twice weekly gathering provides study and fellowship for hundreds of undergraduate Satanists. Whether you’ve had along and fulfilling relationship with the Lord High Satan, or you’re just now learning about Hades and its dark demon forces,the Secular Alliance welcomes you.Chicago Shady DealerAny trip you wanna take, any fix you need. Call Todd for prices.CrewIf you like early mornings, boats, and bargaining with international organizations to get the best cut of profits, then this groupis for you! Members rise with the sun, before even the police are up, to row far out into lake Michigan and meet with Canadianbusinessmen to buy what group members jokingly call “the goods.” In addition to international exposure, Crew members oftenmeet with local entrepreneurs to resell “the goods” at a marked-up price. Even if you don’t join, you’re sure to notice theirquirky “Re-Crew-tment”, where new members are forced to commit a random murder to seal their initiation.

ARTS/SPORTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CHICAGOVarsity Arts/SportsIntramuralsTheaterball: Theater and Performance Studies and Cinema andMedia Studies majors alike enjoy this fun game that combines thethrill and terror of acting on stage with the thrill and terror of ballsports.Horseback Dancing: This art/sport provides interpretive equestriansa chance to showcase their animals’ majestic beauty, alongwith their own majestic beauty.Impressionist Soccer: D3 champions four years in a row, UChicagostudents turn out in hoards for the big game against NYU Tisch.Who will win next year? My Monet’s on the Maroons!UChicago students participatein arts/sports on manylevels ranging from casual playto NCAA Division 3. The mostcommon way students engagein the arts/sports culture oncampus, however, is through intramurals.These murals representthe breadth and depth ofstudent creativity/strength andshowcase the painthletes’ emotional/physicaltalent.Hockapella: This winter art/sport is a favorite among the jazzerson campus. Matches are exhilarating combinations of chillingice-maneuvers and hot harmonies, as players compete to scoregoals and hit notes before nervous and delighted spectators.Mens’ Tennis: One of the oldest arts/sports played at the Universityof Chicago, Mens’ Tennis combines the graceful motions andelegant movements of tennis with the label “sport.”Track and Fieldwork: UChicago students love to run almost asmuch as they love to engage in real-world work in their fields ofinterest. They also love to love, and that’s really beautiful, isn’t it?Swimming in a sea of color: The world is a canvas, cool water thepaint, and breast-strokes the brush-strokes that smoothly caressthe blank void of creative opportunity that is the artist’s slate.A letter from the Art-chery coachHello, prospective student!My name is Vladaskova Marishnakova,and I am very excite tobe art/sport coach at Universityof Chicago! Chicago is city of inspirationand hope. If you cometo University at Chicago, youwill submersed in atmosphere ofhappy fun and competition art/sport. You should! We very muchpractice to win but fun. So cold! But fun. Many goodthings in Chicago, include art/sport but not limited. Art/sport an important part of University life, student bonding,great times. But fun. I hope you come to Universityin Chicago!“Two quarters of intramuralfootball gave my therapistyears of material.”PAULIE METH, Hoover House

Explore. Almost.Nestled in the heart of America’ssecond-best city, theUniversity of Chicago providesmyriad opportunitiesfor students to ignore the vibrantcommunities aroundthem. Indeed, most studentsreport that, after their fouryears here, the experiencesthat could have contributedthe most to their educationwould have taken place“outside of the classroom,” ifonly their “busy” scheduleshad not prevented them fromtraveling farther than onequarter-mile from the Quadrangles.Uncommon FactsThere are more than four billionpeople living on the Earth.UChicago in thecommunityUChicago is the only employer on the SouthSide of Chicago, and is proud to provide,through its contractor network, paying jobs toresidents of our surrounding communities.The University Community Service Centerhas won national and international accolades,most recently placing 5th in the United Nations’“Whose Communities Got Served?” ranking.UChicago Medicine provides life-saving medicalcare to thousands of Chicago residentsevery year, and operates a Level I trauma centerfor accident victims whose ages are perfectsquares.

uncommon neighborhoods1325 4Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, each with its own unique character.Local locals live in and visit these neighborhood locations for such proximateattractions as Chicago-style food, Chicago-brewed drinks, and NewYork bagels. While students don’t always make it out to visit these neighborhoods,when they do, they make sure to get the visit attractions notavailable to them in Hyde Park, like “the club.”1 Hyde Park: Home of the University of Chicago, Hyde Park is a popular target ofcomplaints from UChicago students who wish they lived in a city/in the suburbs/in nature/in Cambridge, MA/anywhere with some decent nightlife/vibes/tacos/happiness.2 Evanston: The legendary and perhaps apocryphal home of the mythical NorthwesternUniversity. Rumor has it that Evanston is a land of plenty, where A gradesleap from the bountiful streams and students pursue majors whose names resemblethose of the careers they hope to pursue. It sucks.3 Englewood/Woodlawn: Although students fervently advise each other neverto go to Englewood/Woodlawn, UChicago’s “quirkier” students often congregatehere in the dead of winter to play classic UChicago game, “Waiting for the 55.”4 Wrigleyville: Everything you hated about high school, on a neighborhoodscale.5 Wicker Park/Logan Square/Ukrainian Village: The Office of Admittance refusesto make any reference to "hipsters." They’ve had enough attention as it is,and the category/designation was imprecise and outdated by late 2005 anyway,and has no business in this brochure.

APPLICATION TIPSJust the tipsGeneral Advice:Wait until the last minute to submityour application. The adrenaline isthrilling and it makes you seem morebadass.If you don’t get in, don’t freak out! It’snot your grades, it's because we hateyou.We don’t read letters of recommendation,so don’t send them.Suggested donation: $60,000.Applicant DistributionEssays Consultation:Be dispassionate. If you write with enthusiasm,we’ll think you’re trying too hard.Lie. You think we bother to fact check?Go big or go home.Copy/paste your Facebook “about me”section.Mention somewhere in your applicationthat if you were a fruit, you would be apomegranate because they are zesty.UncommonQuestionsWhy doesn’t my wife love me likeshe used to?Interview Tips:Be intelligent, interesting, attractiveand well-spoken.Sewing the face of a popular kid ontoyour face will not make you charismatic.Do not show your teeth. It is a sign ofaggression.Timothy leaves Kansas City on atrain headed north-northeast at 23miles per hour. At the same moment,Chuck boards the Orient Express. Explainthe relevance of Betty Friedan’sThe Feminine Mystique to third-wavefeminism in America.Abortions!?!?Carl Sagan said “If you wish to makean apple pie from scratch, you mustfirst invent the universe.” So, goahead. Make an apple pie.Are you gonna eat that?

BY THE NUMBERSGet to knowWho was your father really?Why did he leave without sayinggoodbye? Was it somethingyou did? Could youhave been a better child, thenwould your mom not havespent your teen years trollingsingles bars? You can’t knowthese things, but you can getto know UChicago.We pride ourselves on our diversity!Students of color make up the largest demographicgroup in the class of 2017*LatinoNative Hawaiian or Pacific IslanderAmerican Indian or AlaskanNativeAfrican AmericanPrefer not to respond*Self-reported from application dataOFFICE OF ADMITTANCE, FORMERLY THE CHICAGO SHADY DEALER

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