The Art of Happiness

Table of ContentsTitle PageCopyright PageDedicationPREFACE TO THE 10TH ANNIVERSARYEDITIONIntroductionPart I - THE PURPOSE OF LIFEChapter 1 - THE RIGHT TO HAPPINESSChapter 2 - THE SOURCES OF HAPPINESSChapter 3 - TRAINING THE MIND FORHAPPINESS

Chapter 4 - RECLAIMING OUR INNATESTATE OF HAPPINESSPart II - HUMAN WARMTH ANDCOMPASSIONChapter 5 - A NEW MODEL FORINTIMACYChapter 6 - DEEPENING OURCONNECTION TO OTHERSChapter 7 - THE VALUE AND BENEFITSOF COMPASSIONPart III - TRANSFORMINGSUFFERING

Chapter 8 - FACING SUFFERINGChapter 9 - SELF-CREATED SUFFERINGChapter 10 - SHIFTING PERSPECTIVEChapter 11 - FINDING MEANING IN PAINAND SUFFERINGPart IV - OVERCOMINGOBSTACLESChapter 12 - BRINGING ABOUT CHANGEChapter 13 - DEALING WITH ANGER ANDHATREDChapter 14 - DEALING WITH ANXIETYAND BUILDING SELF-ESTEEMPart V - CLOSING REFLECTIONS

ON LIVING A SPIRITUAL LIFEChapter 15 - BASIC SPIRITUAL VALUESAcknowledgementsTHE ART OF HAPPINESS BOOK SERIESABOUT THE AUTHORS

RIVERHEAD BOOKSPublished by the Penguin GroupPenguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York,New York 10014,USA Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East,Suite 700, Toronto, OntarioM4P 2Y3, Canada (a division of Pearson Canada Inc.)Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand,London WC2R 0RL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 StStephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland(a division of Penguin Books Ltd) Penguin Group (Australia),250 Camberwell Road,Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of PearsonAustralia Group Pty Ltd)Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre,Panchsheel Park, New Delhi-110 017,India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North

Shore 0632, New Zealand(a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd) Penguin Books(South Africa) (Pty) Ltd,24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, SouthAfricaPenguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, LondonWC2R ORL, EnglandCopyright © 1998 by HH Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler,M.D.Preface to the 10th Anniversary Edition copyright © 2009 byHH Dalai LamaIntroduction to the 10th Anniversary Edition copyright ©2009by Howard C. Cutler, M.D.All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced,scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic formwithout permission. Please do not participate in or encouragepiracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors’rights. Purchase only authorized editions. Published

simultaneously in CanadaThe excerpt from “Eight Verses of the Training of the Mind”by Geshe Langri Thangpa on page 182 is from the FourEssential Buddbist Commentaries by His Holiness the DalaiLama. P.), India.Library of Congress Cataloging-in- Publication DataBstan-dzin-rgya-mtsho, Dalai Lama XIV, date.The art of happiness.—10th anniversary ed.p. cm.With a new praface by the Dalai Lama and a new introductionby Howard C. Cutler.eISBN : 978-1-101-13516-71. Religious life—Buddhism. 2. Happiness—Religiousaspects—Buddhism. 3. Buddhism—Doctrines.1. Cutler, Howard C. 11. Title.BQ7935.B774A294.3’444—dc22

While the authors’ had made every effort to provide accuratetelephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time ofpublication, neither the publisher nor the authors’ assumeany responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur afterpublication. Further, the publisher does not have any controlover and does not assume any responsibility for author orthird-party websites or their content.http://us.penguingroup.com

Dedicated to the Reader:May you find happiness.

PREFACE TO THE 10THANNIVERSARY EDITIONby His Holiness the Dalai LamaI am very happy to learn that the publisher ofThe Art of Happiness—which I cowrote withmy old friend, the American psychiatrist HowardCutler—is bringing out a tenth anniversary edition

of the book. Those who have read the book willknow that it was the result of many hours ofdiscussion, with Howard representing the currentscientific perspective and me representing theBuddhist understanding of the issues pertaining tomental health and human well-being. So when thebook was received well by the general public, Ifelt a deep sense of satisfaction since thisindicated that our labor had made somecontribution towards others’ happiness and wellbeing.Though each of us, the two authors, camefrom different perspectives, we alwaysendeavored to bring our discussion to the basichuman level, the level where distinctions betweenpeople—gender, race, religion, culture, andlanguage—break down. At this fundamentallevel, we are all the same ; each one of us aspiresto happiness and each one of us does not wish to

suffer. This is our most fundamental reality. Andon this level, the problems that we each face ashuman beings remain the same. Given this belief,whenever I have the opportunity to engage withthe general public, I always try to draw people’sattention to this fundamental sameness of thehuman family and the deeply interconnectednature of our existence and welfare. I also sharemy belief that as a species we need to ground ourinteraction with fellow human beings and theworld around us on recognition of these profoundyet simple truths.Today, a decade after the publication of TheArt of Happiness, I am heartened to see that thetopic of human happiness is attracting increasinglevels of interest and serious research, even fromthe scientific community. There is also a growingrecognition within the wider community, as well

as a growing body of scientific evidence, thatconfirms the close connection that exists betweenour own states of mind and our happiness. Manyyears ago I wrote: “If you want others to behappy practice compassion; and if you wantyourself to be happy practice compassion.” TheBuddhist tradition has, like many of the world’sgreat spiritual traditions, exhorted us to live ourlives compassionately. These spiritual traditionsteach us to feel connected with our fellow beingsand with the world we live in. They celebrateservice to others as one of the highest virtues.Today, growing scientific data confirm thisinsight. Researchers on human happiness identifycompassionate service to others as one of thekey characteristics shared by many of theworld’s happiest people. To me this makesperfect sense. When we help others, the focus of

our mind assumes a broader horizon within whichwe are able to see our own petty problems in amore realistic proportion. What previouslyappeared to be daunting and unbearable, whichis what often makes our problems sooverwhelming, tends to lose its intensity.The question is: Can we cultivate ourselves tobe more compassionate? If so, how do we do it?Again, here I believe that profound recognition ofthe fundamental sameness of the human familyand the deeply interconnected nature of our wellbeingare crucially important. When you feelconnected with others you are able to open yourheart, which I often call our “inner door,” andreach out to others. In doing so, you acquire adeep sense of security and trust and a true senseof freedom. A key element of this process entailscultivating some degree of greater awareness

with respect to one’s own mental states,especially one’s emotions and moods. With thesepractices you can lay a strong foundation withinyou, a kind of anchor that provides a true innerhome. This is the basis of true inner happiness, agenuine wellspring of joy. Researchers oftenwonder about the causal sequence betweencompassion and happiness. They ask: Is it thecase that compassionate people are happier orare happy people more compassionate? On apractical level, I suppose, which comes first doesnot really matter. What matters is that we cancultivate both. In my own Buddhist tradition,numerous mental trainings are offered tosystematically cultivate greater compassion andwell-being. Today, with new insights from thefield of neuroscience, especially with thediscovery of brain plasticity, we know that the

human brain is highly amenable to change andadaptation, even at advanced ages, as in one’sseventies, as I am now. The revered thirteenthcenturyTibetan master Sakya Pandita once said,“Seek learning even if you were to dietomorrow.”In The Art of Happiness, we attempted topresent to the reader a systematic approach toachieving greater happiness and overcoming life’sinevitable adversities and suffering. Our approachcombines and integrates the best of East andWest—that is, Western science and psychologyon the one hand and Buddhist principles andpractices on the other. Our aim has been to sharewith others the conviction that there is a lot eachof us can do to achieve greater happiness in ourlives and, more important, to draw attention tothe tremendous inner resources that are at the

disposal of each of us. Given these central aims,the main approach in this book has been toexplore ways and means towards greaterhappiness and joy in life from the perspective ofan individual human being.Over the last ten years, Howard and I havecontinued our conversations, taking thediscussion to the level of wider society and howthe external environment impacts our happiness.In the course of these conversations we haveexplored a number of the key principles andpractices that can play an important role in one’spersonal quest for happiness. And moreimportant, we have explored some of thechallenging questions pertaining to how one canbest apply these principles and practices in thecontext of the wider society. How can onemaintain happiness in today’s troubled and

challenging world? How can one apply theprinciples of The Art of Happiness in dealingwith problems and suffering in the world? Whatare the roots of violence, on both the individuallevel and the societal level? How can one learn toundo these sources of violence? How can onesustain hope in humanity in the face of humanviolence and suffering? These are a few of thequestions we strove to address in ourdiscussions. During this decade, I have alsocontinued with my ongoing dialogues withscientists, especially from the fields of cognitiveand affective neuroscience as well as psychology,so that a greater convergence could be broughtbetween the age-old insights of my own Buddhisttradition and modern science. I hope the fruits ofthis exploration as well as my ongoingconversations with Howard will evolve into a

new book so that others can share in theseexchanges, which I have personally found deeplyenriching.

INTRODUCTION TO THE10TH ANNIVERSARYEDITIONThe Art of Happiness: Looking Backand Looking Forwardby Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

THE BEGINNINGA full decade has now passed since The Art ofHappiness was first published. As I reflect on thecourse of events leading to the book’spublication, I think back to the beginning of thenineties, when I first conceived of collaboratingwith the Dalai Lama on a book about happiness.The Dalai Lama’s name was familiar to mostAmericans by that time, but beyond the Buddhistcommunity, few had any sense of him as a realhuman being. The general public’s image of himwas often little more than a vague sketchycaricature, marred by misconceptions: the jollygiggling Buddha, “the Pope of Buddhism,” “thegod-king of Tibet.” In fact, if you mentioned theDalai Lama’s name at that time, the most likely

image to surface in the mind of an averageAmerican was probably Carl Spackler, thedisheveled golf course groundskeeper in the filmCaddysback, describing his brief stint as theDalai Lama’s caddy: “... So we finish theeighteenth and he’s gonna stiff me! And I say,‘Hey, Lama! Hey, bow about a littlesomething, you know, for the effort.’ And besays, ‘Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, butwhen you die, on your deathbed, you willreceive total consciousness.’ So I got that goinfor me—which is nice.”Of course, there were some whose mentalportrait of the Dalai Lama was more finelydrawn, those who recognized him as a NobelPeace Prize laureate, a tireless advocate forhuman rights, one who remained committed tononviolence despite living fifty years in exile as a

esult of the brutal invasion of Tibet by Chineseforces. But even among the moreknowledgeable, perception of him was oftenone-dimensional-some people saw him asessentially a political figure, for example, unawareof his stature as one of the world’s leadingBuddhist scholars, a teacher with profoundspiritual depth and wisdom. And many people atthat time would have been surprised to learn thatfar from considering himself to be a great worldleader, the Dalai Lama’s personal identity wasmost closely tied to his role as a simple Buddhistmonk—one who rose each morning at 3:30 tospend four or five hours in prayer and meditation.So by the early 1990s, I began to think abouta book that would dispel these misconceptionsand add some human flesh to the cartoonlikeimage of him in the popular imagination. But that

was not the main purpose of the book. The farmore important objective was to present hisideas about how to find happiness.

PUBLICATIONI vividly recall the meeting when I first proposedthe idea of the book to the Dalai Lama. I wasfeeling far from confident. Over the years I hadnoted his skill at deflecting such proposals—so,fully expecting that he would turn down myrequest, I had come prepared, ready to argue mycase.“Your Holiness, I know that you have alreadywritten two dozen books,” I began, “but thisbook will be quite different. The objective is todistill the essential principles that you live by,which have enabled you to achieve a happy life.And even though these underlying principles maybe based on Buddhism, I hope to present yourbeliefs in a way that can be applied by individuals

from any background or tradition, showing howto apply these principles in their daily lives tocultivate greater happiness....”“Ah, very good!” he said with enthusiasm.“And then from my perspective as apsychiatrist,” I continued, “I’d like to examineyour views on happiness, on what makes lifeworthwhile, within the context of Westernpsychology, even looking for scientific evidencethat might support your views.”“Yes. Okay!” the Dalai Lama said decisively,nodding his head in agreement to my proposal.Without taking a breath, I pressed on, drivenby my preconceived belief that he would notreadily agree. My mind was so focused onconvincing him, so intent on dazzling him with myarguments, that I had no attention left over toactually attend to what he was saying or to

egister his response.Looking a bit perplexed, the Dalai Lamasuddenly interrupted me.“Howard,” he said, starting to laugh, “Ialready agreed. Why are you still arguing thecase?”Finally grasping that he had agreed to myproposal, I felt a surge of elation—among myobjectives and reasons for proposing this book,there was a more selfish motive that I hadconveniently forgotten to mention: I wanted tolearn from him how I myself could becomehappier.We began work on the book in 1993, duringthe Dalai Lama’s first visit to Arizona, my homestate. That week he had an intensive teachingschedule, delivering a brilliant commentary on aclassic text by Shantideva, the great eighth-

century Indian Buddhist scholar. Despite his longdaily teaching sessions, we managed to carve outsome time to meet, aided by the fact that he wasstaying at the same place where his publicteachings were being given, a resort hotel in theSonoran Desert, outside Tucson. So everymorning after breakfast, and in some lateafternoons as well, we met in his suite, as I posedquestion after question, soliciting his views aboutlife, about the things that truly make lifeworthwhile, the vital questions related to humanhappiness and suffering.Over the months prior to our conversations, Ihad spent a great deal of time preparing a list ofquestions, carefully arranging their sequenceaccording to a tightly organized outline that filleda thick three-ring binder. So when I showed upfor our first meeting, I was ready. And it took

only minutes for the Dalai Lama to relieve me ofany illusions I might have had about controllingthe direction of the discussion. I had planned onsticking with my set agenda in an orderly fashion,breezing through the questions one by one likeknocking down a row of dominoes. But I quicklydiscovered that he apparently felt no compulsionto follow my agenda. His answers to myquestions were often unanticipated, suddenlyturning the conversation in a completely newdirection. I might be following a certain train ofthought, when suddenly that train would becomederailed as he went off on an unexpected tangent.So I found our discussions to be challenging attimes. At the same time, the Dalai Lama’s quickmind and robust sense of humor kept theconversations lively, and riveted my attentionthroughout.

Those conversations, supplemented withmaterial from his public talks, provided the corematerial for the book, which was later expandedby additional discussions at his home in India.Quickly becoming absorbed in the project, Idecided to temporarily give up practicingpsychiatry in order to devote my full attention toexploring human happiness, seeking an approachthat bridged East and West. I estimated that itwould take perhaps six months to complete thebook, and with the Dalai Lama as a coauthor, Ifigured that finding a publisher would be easy.As it turned out, I was wrong. Five yearslater, I was still working on the book. And thethick stack of rejection letters accumulating onmy desk from literary agents and publishers wasa growing testament to the prevailing wisdom inthe publishing industry at that time: the belief that

ooks by the Dalai Lama held no appeal to amainstream audience. In addition, they claimed,the public simply didn’t seem to be interested inthe topic of human happiness.By 1998, after years of continual rejections,and with my financial resources finally depleted, itseemed I had few options left. Still, determinedto see that at least a few new readers couldbenefit from the Dalai Lama’s wisdom, I plannedto use the last of my retirement savings to selfpublisha small number of copies. Strangely,however, it was right at that point that the motherof a close friend happened to make an offhandremark to a stranger on a New York subway—astranger who turned out to be in the publishingindustry—which initiated a series of connectionsthat finally led to agreements with both a literaryagent and a good mainstream publisher. And so,

with a small first printing and modestexpectations, the book was at last released.

UNEXPECTED SUCCESSThat was ten years ago. And the Dalai Lama, thepublisher, and I could never have imagined thesubsequent course of events. Awareness of thebook grew rapidly, spreading more by word ofmouth than by advertising or publicity. Notexpecting such an overwhelmingly positiveresponse, I watched with wonder as the booksoon appeared on the New York Timesbestsellers list, where it remained for the next twoyears. It wasn’t long before we started to seeevidence that the book was truly becoming partof the cultural milieu in America, spontaneouslyshowing up on TV sitcoms, game shows, evenMTV—the very icons of popular culture inAmerica at the time: Friends, Sex and the City,

Jeopardy!, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,MTV Cribs—and even the season’s openinggame on Monday Night Football, when one ofthe quarterbacks attributed his preseasonsuccess, in part at least, to The Art ofHappiness.Clearly, there was a kind of universal appealto the Dalai Lama’s basic message: Yes,happiness is possible—in fact, we can train inhappiness in much the same way that we trainin any other skill,directly cultivating it through effort andpractice. Explaining how happiness can beachieved by reshaping our attitudes and outlook,the Dalai Lama shows us how the key tohappiness is in our own hands. No longer do weneed to rely on luck or chance to achievehappiness, waiting for the day when all the outer

conditions of our lives finally fall into place—theday we finally lose weight, get rich, get married(or divorced!), or get that coveted promotion.His fundamental message of hope seemed tostrike a chord in people, resonating deep in thehearts of individuals not only in America butthroughout the world—people from diversebackgrounds, perhaps, but who all shared thefundamental human aspiration for happiness, ayearning for something better in life. Ultimately,the book went on to be translated into fiftylanguages and was read by millions around theworld.

A HAPPINESS REVOLUTIONThe concept of happiness as an achievable goal,something we can deliberately cultivate throughpractice and effort, is fundamental to theBuddhist view of happiness. In fact, the idea oftraining the mind has been the cornerstone ofBuddhist practice for millennia. Coincidentally,shortly after the publication of The Art ofHappiness, this same idea began to take root insociety from another direction—as a “new”scientific discovery—leading to a fundamentalshift in many people’s perception of happiness.When I first began work on The Art ofHappiness in the early 1990s, I discovered thatthere were relatively few scientific studies onhappiness and positive emotions. These were not

popular subjects for research. Although at thetime there were a handful of researchers studyinghuman happiness and positive emotions, theywere the mavericks. But then, suddenly, humanhappiness started to become a subject of intenseinterest to the scientific community and thegeneral public alike, as people began to abandontheir previous notions of happiness as elusive,mysterious, and unpredictable, replacing thatview with the perception of happiness assomething that could be scientifically investigated.And over the past decade, as more and morepeople have rejected the idea of happiness assomething that is merely a by-product of ourexternal circumstances, in favor of seeinghappiness as something that can be systematicallydeveloped, we have witnessed the exponentialgrowth of a new movement—a Happiness

Revolution.The watershed event for this new movementwas the formal establishment of a new field ofpsychology involving the study of humanhappiness. The formal birth of this new branch ofpsychology took place in 1998, when a highlyinfluential psychologist, Dr. Martin Seligman, thenewly elected president of the AmericanPsychological Association, decided to dedicatehis term as president to the establishment of thisnew field, which he dubbed “positivepsychology.” Pointing out that for the past halfcentury clinical psychology had focusedexclusively on mental illness, human weakness,and dysfunction, he called on his colleagues toexpand the scope of psychology to include thestudy of positive emotions, human strengths, and“what makes life worth living.”

Seligman teamed up with another brilliantresearcher, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, to lay thegroundwork for this new field. They were soonjoined by a core group of top researchers fromuniversities in America and Europe, and positivepsychology took off with tremendous momentum.For the first time in human history, happinesshad finally become a legitimate field ofscientific inquiry.Since that time, the Happiness Revolution hashad a growing impact on all levels of society.Feature stories on happiness have inundated thepopular media, while academic courses onpositive psychology have been cropping up oncollege campuses across the United States andthroughout the world. At Harvard University, forinstance, “The Happiness Course” has nowreplaced Introductory Economics as the most

popular undergraduate course, with enrollmentquickly soaring to well over 1,400 students eachsemester. The impact is even being seen on thegovernmental level in nations around the world,with the country of Bhutan, for instance, replacingGDP with GNH (Gross National Happiness) asits most important measure of success as anation. Policymakers in many nations are noweven exploring the idea of shaping public policybased on happiness research. As onegovernment official in Scotland exuberantlyasserted, “If we can embrace this new science ofpositive psychology, we have the opportunity tocreate a new Enlightenment.”

THE BENEFITS OF HAPPINESSOne of the factors fueling the HappinessRevolution has been the startling research in thepast decade revealing the many benefits ofhappiness, benefits extending far beyond merely“feeling good.” In fact, cultivating greaterhappiness can be seen as “one-stop shopping”for those seeking greater success in every majorlife domain. Scientific studies have shown thathappy people are more likely to attract a mate,enjoy stronger and more satisfying marriages, andare better parents. Happy people are alsohealthier, with better immune function and lesscardiovascular disease. There is even evidencethat happy individuals live up to ten years longerthan their less happy peers! In addition,

happiness leads to better mental health, greaterresilience, and an increased capacity to deal withadversity and trauma.There are some who believe that happypeople tend to be shallow and a bit stupid, anotion shared by the French novelist GustaveFlaubert, who once wrote: “To be stupid, selfish,and have good health are three requirements forhappiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all islost.” Recent research, however, has proven thisidea to be nothing but a myth, finding thathappiness leads to greater creativity andimproved mental functioning.The benefits of happiness extend to theworkplace, as well, with happy individualsperforming better and enjoying greater personalsuccess on every level, including higher income.In fact, studies show that higher income is more

directly related to one’s level of happiness than toone’s level of education. Extensive research hasalso shown that organizations with happyemployees are more successful, consistentlydemonstrating greater profitability; this isn’tsurprising considering that happy workers aremore productive, more loyal to the company,take fewer sick days, show up to work moreconsistently, have fewer conflicts withcoworkers, quit their jobs less frequently, andgenerate greater customer satisfaction.So there is no question that happiness bringstremendous personal rewards. But it is alsocritical to point out that cultivating greaterhappiness benefits not only oneself, but alsoone’s family, community,and society In fact, this is one of the keyprinciples underlying The Art of Happiness, a

principle supported by a growing body ofscientific evidence. For example, a stunningrecent study has shown that happiness is highlycontagious, spreading in social networks just likea virus. Other lines of evidence have found thathappiness and positive emotions act as anantidote to prejudice, causing changes in thebrain that prevent the instinctual bias againstthose we perceive as different, ultimatelybreaking down the barriers between Us andThem! The beneficial effects of happiness extendto the broadest level of society ; another study,for instance, found that increasing the averagelevel of happiness among the population of anation will result in an increase in freedom anddemocracy in that country!The Happiness Revolution has led increasingnumbers of individuals to seek happiness in a

more systematic and direct way. There havebeen some critics of the positive psychologymovement who have characterized their efforts asbeing nothing more than a self-absorbed, selfindulgentluxury, concerned only with personalgratification. In view of the above evidence,however, it could be argued that if you are trulyconcerned about the welfare of others andbuilding a better world, it is your duty to behappy, or to do what you can to becomehappier.

BUDDHIST WISDOM ANDMODERN SCIENCE : BRIDGINGEAST AND WESTThe coming of Buddhism to the West may well proveto be the most important event of the TwentiethCentury.—The influential British historian Arnold J.ToynbeeOne of the goals of The Art of Happiness is topresent an approach to achieving human

happiness that combines the best of East andWest, integrating traditional Buddhist wisdomwith modern Western science. Following a recenttalk in which I spoke about this approach, anaudience member asked:“If scientists have conducted research onhappiness and studies have now proven how tobecome happy, what do we need the Buddhisttheories or the Dalai Lama’s views for?Shouldn’t the scientific proof be enough?”Good questions. And as a great admirer ofthe scientific approach to happiness, I think it issafe to say that the checks and balances of thescientific method generally result in highly reliableand useful information. At the same time,however, all scientific findings are not some kindof Absolute Truth or Eternal Law. Scientificknowledge is a dynamic, living thing—and

scientific theories are always being refined,modified, or revised as we gather new data. Andin evaluating the validity of any study, there’salways the possibility of methodological errors,flaws in experimental design, statistical analysis,and so on. One also needs to consider how manysubjects were studied and whether the study hasbeen replicated. With this in mind, it’s importantto recognize that the science of human happinessis still in its infancy. While we have learned agreat deal, there is a lot that we still don’t know.The key question is: Does Buddhism haveanything to contribute to the scientificinvestigation of happiness?In considering this question, it is important tounderstand that Buddhism is not a faith-basedsystem in the traditional sense. In fact, when theBuddha first began to teach, he advised his

disciples not to blindly accept his teachings out offaith, but rather to investigate the validity of histheories and test his methods for themselves. Thisreliance on empirical investigation, theuncompromising commitment to truth, and a totaldedication to discovering the nature of reality arethings that both Buddhism and science have incommon. In fact, the Dalai Lama hasdemonstrated his total commitment to theseprinciples, stating, “If science was to conclusivelyprove that some part of the Buddhist scripturesor basic beliefs turned out to be untrue, then theBuddhist scripture or belief would have tochange.” Such a shocking statement would seemto be almost inconceivable coming from anyother religious or spiritual leader in the world!For 2,500 years, Buddhists have beenpracticing techniques to “train the mind” and

develop their inner resources. And one wouldguess that after more than two millennia,ineffective techniques and methods would havebeen gradually abandoned, while only the mosteffective and reliable methods would havesurvived. It would seem reasonable to assume,therefore, that Buddhism might have much tocontribute to our understanding of happiness andhow to achieve it, and some remarkable recentdevelopments certainly suggest that this is thecase. When The Art of Happiness was firstpublished, there was little scientific researchavailable that related to the Dalai Lama’sfundamental views on human happiness. It hasbeen very gratifying for me to see that since thattime there has been an explosion of research onhappiness, and even more gratifying to discoverthat the growing body of scientific evidence has

consistently supported the views expressed bythe Dalai Lama in this book. One example thatillustrates this is the research on happiness andcompassion discussed below.Another fascinating line of evidence is basedon some cutting-edge research conducted by Dr.Richard Davidson, a highly regardedneuroscientist at the University of Wisconsin inMadison. Using the latest technology, Dr.Davidson and colleagues identified a specific areain the left prefrontal cortex of the brain that isassociated with states of happiness. He thenmeasured the average level of activity in this“happiness” region among a large group ofordinary Americans. Later, he invited someTibetan Buddhist monks into his lab andperformed the same studies. He was astonishedto find that their levels of activity in the happiness

area of the brain were the highest he had everseen, and by a huge margin—so far above theothers that they were essentially off the chart! Ofcourse, this may not be proof of anything, butnevertheless such extreme findings are highlysuggestive of the potential value of Buddhistpractices in the quest to find effective methods ofincreasing individual happiness.

KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ANDTHE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESSIf there is a fundamental principle in The Art ofHappiness with the greatest potential to make asignificant contribution to the new science ofhuman happiness, it is this:There is an inextricable link between one’spersonal happiness and kindness, compassion,and caring for others. And this is a two-waystreet: increased happiness leads to greatercompassion, and increased compassion leads togreater happiness.In other words, studies have found not onlythat happier people tend to be more caring andmore willing to reach out and help others, but that

y deliberately cultivating greater kindness andcompassion, a person will experience increasedhappiness.It is easy to see how such principles couldhave a profound impact on any society if peopleadopted them on a widespread scale. However,since it is unlikely that most people in the Westwill “convert” to Buddhism as their primaryspiritual path, if these principles are to be widelyadopted in Western society they need to bepresented in a secular context, which generallymeans investigating them from a scientificperspective. Thus, in the following pages you willfind experimental evidence showing that happypeople tend to be kinder and morecompassionate. At the time I was writing thebook, however, I could find no research showingthe reverse principle, that cultivating greater

compassion makes people happier—one of theDalai Lama’s most cherished beliefs. But todaysuch evidence exists, showing that the practice ofkindness and compassion is a powerful strategyto increase personal happiness.In one of my favorite experiments, Dr.Davidson brought a French Tibetan Buddhistmonk into his lab to study the effects ofcompassion. This monk was a highly trainedadept who had spent many years in theHimalayan region, meditating on compassion(and who acted compassionately, as well,dedicating his life to charitable activities in theregion). Davidson began by monitoring themonk’s brain function in a resting state tomeasure baseline brain activity ; then he askedhim to perform an intensive Buddhist meditationon compassion. The results showed that during

his meditation on compassion, there was adramatic leftward shift in his prefrontal function,lighting up the “happiness region” of the brain.Davidson concluded: “The very act of concernfor others’ well-being creates a greater sense ofwell-being within oneself.” What could be moreconclusive evidence of the link between personalhappiness and compassion?In another study, conducted in “the realworld” outside the laboratory, Dr. SonjaLyubomirsky at the University of California atRiverside asked a group of subjects to chooseone day each week in which to perform five“random acts of kindness.” After six weeks, thesubjects in the study experienced a significantincrease in their overall levels of happiness andlife satisfaction.

THE FUTURE OF THE ART OFHAPPINESSFor me, one of the most rewarding aspects ofthis book’s success were the many wonderfuland moving letters we received from readersdescribing how the Dalai Lama’s words helpedthem, and the positive impact The Art ofHappiness had in their lives. In some of theletters, readers expressed interest in a sequel,pointing out various topics that had not beenincluded in the book. After hearing how the firstbook had been of such benefit to someindividuals, the Dalai Lama agreed to collaborateon a sequel ; so after reviewing the readers’requests, I prepared a list of topics. We quickly

ealized, however, that there were more topicsthan could be covered in a single volume, so wedivided the topics into a series of volumes. Ourfirst follow-up book, The Art of Happiness atWork, was published in 2003. Like the firstvolume, it was very well received and became abestseller—and more important, feedback fromreaders indicated that it was of practical value inhelping them find greater happiness at work, theactivity occupying the greatest part of our wakinghours.Focusing on the theme of inner development,the first two volumes were generally directed atthe level of the individual. We realized, however,that individual human beings do not live in avacuum—we interact within a community, asociety, and the world. And our world has manytroubles: violence, terrorism, war, prejudice and

hatred, poverty—the list is long. So the questionarose: How can we live in such a troubled worldand still remain happy? And what can a singleindividual do to try to overcome these vastproblems? These were the questions we soughtto answer in the next volume of the series, TheArt of Happiness in a Troubled World.It seems that The Art of Happiness is everybit as relevant today as when it was published adecade ago. In the intervening years we haveseen some dramatic developments in the scienceof human happiness. And as the body of researchgrows, it appears that Buddhist principles arebeginning to converge with Western science inmany ways. But in the following pages, no matterwhether the approach to happiness is seenthrough the lens of traditional Buddhist wisdomor the lens of modern scientific research—the

purpose is the same: it is our hope that you canapply the ideas presented in this book to yourown life, and thereby discover a way totranscend suffering and adversity, and find a lifeof genuine and lasting happiness.

AUTHOR’S NOTEIn this book, extensive conversations with theDalai Lama have been recounted. The privatemeetings with the Dalai Lama in Arizona andIndia, which form the basis of this work, tookplace with the express purpose of collaboratingon a project that would present his views onleading a happier life, augmented by my ownobservations and commentary from the

perspective of a Western psychiatrist. The DalaiLama generously allowed me to select whateverformat for the book I felt would most effectivelyconvey his ideas. I felt that the narrative formatfound in these pages would be most readable andat the same time impart a sense of how the DalaiLama incorporates his ideas into his own dailylife. With the Dalai Lama’s approval, I haveorganized this book according to subject matter,and thus at times I have chosen to combine andintegrate material that may have been taken fromseveral different conversations. Also, with theDalai Lama’s permission, where I deemednecessary for clarity or com prehensiveness, Ihave woven in material from some of his publictalks in Arizona. The Dalai Lama’s interpreter,Dr. Thupten Jinpa, kindly reviewed the finalmanuscript to assure that there were no

inadvertent distortions of the Dalai Lama’s ideasas a result of the editorial process.A number of case histories and personalanecdotes have been presented to illustrate theideas under discussion. In order to maintainconfidentiality and protect personal privacy, inevery instance I have changed names and altereddetails and other distinguishing characteristics soas to prevent identification of particularindividuals.—Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

INTRODUCTIONI found the Dalai Lama alone in an emptybasketball locker room moments before he wasto speak before a crowd of six thousand atArizona State University. He was calmly sippinga cup of tea, in perfect repose. “Your Holiness, ifyou’re ready ...”He briskly rose, and without hesitation he leftthe room, emerging into the thick backstage

throng of local reporters, photographers, securitypersonnel, and students—the seekers, thecurious, and the skeptical. He walked through thecrowd smiling broadly and greeting people as hepassed by. Finally passing through a curtain, hewalked on stage, bowed, folded his hands, andsmiled. He was greeted with thunderousapplause. At his request, the house lights werenot dimmed so he could clearly see his audience,and for several moments he simply stood there,quietly surveying the audience with anunmistakable expression of warmth and goodwill.For those who had never seen the Dalai Lamabefore, his maroon and saffron monk’s robesmay have created a somewhat exotic impression,yet his remarkable ability to establish rapportwith his audience was quickly revealed as he satdown and began his talk.

“I think that this is the first time I am meetingmost of you. But to me, whether it is an old friendor new friend, there’s not much differenceanyway, because I always believe we are thesame ; we are all human beings. Of course, theremay be differences in cultural background or wayof life, there may be differences in our faith, orwe may be of a different color, but we are humanbeings, consisting of the human body and thehuman mind. Our physical structure is the same,and our mind and our emotional nature are alsothe same. Wherever I meet people, I alwayshave the feeling that I am encountering anotherhuman being, just like myself. I find it is mucheasier to communicate with others on that level. Ifwe emphasize specific characteristics, like I amTibetan or I am Buddhist, then there aredifferences. But those things are secondary. If we

can leave the differences aside, I think we caneasily communicate, exchange ideas, and shareexperiences.”With this, in 1993 the Dalai Lama began aweek-long series of public talks in Arizona. Plansfor his visit to Arizona had first been set intomotion over a decade earlier. It was at that timethat we first met, while I was visiting Dharamsala,India, on a small research grant to studytraditional Tibetan medicine. Dharamsala is abeautiful and tranquil village, perched on a hillsidein the foothills of the Himalayas. For almostforty years, this has been the home of the Tibetangovernment-in-exile, ever since the Dalai Lama,along with one hundred thousand other Tibetans,fled Tibet after the brutal invasion by Chineseforces. During my stay in Dharamsala I hadgotten to know several members of the Dalai

Lama’s family, and it was through them that myfirst meeting with him was arranged.In his 1993 public address, the Dalai Lamaspoke of the importance of relating as one humanbeing to another, and it was this very samequality that had been the most striking feature ofour first conversation at his home in 1982. Heseemed to have an uncommon ability to put onecompletely at ease, to quickly create a simpleand direct connection with a fellow human being.Our first meeting had lasted around forty-fiveminutes, and like so many other people, I cameaway from that meeting in great spirits, with theimpression that I had just met a truly exceptionalman.As my contact with the Dalai Lama grew overthe next several years, I gradually came toappreciate his many unique qualities. He has a

penetrating intelligence, but without artifice ; akindness, but without excessive sentimentality ;great humor, but without frivolousness; and, asmany have discovered, the ability to inspire ratherthan awe.Over time I became convinced that the DalaiLama had learned how to live with a sense offulfillment and a degree of serenity that I hadnever seen in other people. I was determined toidentify the principles that enabled him to achievethis. Although he is a Buddhist monk with alifetime of Buddhist training and study, I began towonder if one could identify a set of his beliefs orpractices that could be utilized by non-Buddhistsas well—practices that could be directly appliedto our lives to simply help us become happier,stronger, perhaps less afraid.

Eventually, I had an opportunity to explore hisviews in greater depth, meeting with him dailyduring his stay in Arizona and following up thesediscussions with more extensive conversations athis home in India. As we conversed, I soondiscovered that we had some hurdles toovercome as we struggled to reconcile ourdifferent perspectives: his as a Buddhist monk,and mine as a Western psychiatrist. I began oneof our first sessions, for example, by posing tohim certain common human problems, illustratingwith several lengthy case histories. Havingdescribed a woman who persisted in selfdestructivebehaviors despite the tremendousnegative impact on her life, I asked him if he hadan explanation for this behavior and what advicehe could offer. I was taken aback when after a

long pause and reflection, he simply said, “I don’tknow,” and shrugging his shoulders, laughedgood-naturedly.Noting my look of surprise anddisappointment at not receiving a more concreteresponse, the Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes it’svery difficult to explain why people do the thingsthey do ... You’ll often find that there are nosimple explanations. If we were to go into thedetails of individual lives, since a human being’smind is so complex, it would be quite difficult tounderstand what is going on, what exactly istaking place.”I thought that he was being evasive. “But as apsychotherapist, my task is to find out whypeople do the things that they do ...”Once again, he broke into the laugh that manypeople find so extraordinary—a laugh saturated

with humor and goodwill, unaffected,unembarrassed, beginning with a deep resonanceand effortlessly climbing several octaves to end ina high pitch of delight.“I think that it would be extremely difficult totry and figure out how the minds of five billionpeople work,” he said, still laughing. “It would bean impossible task! From the Buddhist viewpoint,there are many factors contributing to any givenevent or situation ... There can be so manyfactors at play, in fact, that sometimes you maynever have a full explanation of what’s going on,at least not in conventional terms.”Sensing some discomfort on my part, heobserved, “In trying to determine the source ofone’s problems, it seems that the Westernapproach differs in some respects from theBuddhist approach. Underlying all Western

modes of analysis is a very strong rationalistictendency—an assumption that everything can beaccounted for. And on top of that, there areconstraints created by certain premises that aretaken for granted. For example, recently I metwith some doctors at a university medical school.They were talking about the brain and stated thatthoughts and feelings were the result of differentchemical reactions and changes in the brain. So, Iraised the question: Is it possible to conceive thereverse sequence, where the thought gives rise tothe sequence of chemical events in the brain?However, the part that I found most interestingwas the answer that the scientist gave. He said,‘We start from the premise that all thoughts areproducts or functions of chemical reactions in thebrain.’ So it is simply a kind of rigidity, a decisionnot to challenge their own way of thinking.”

He was silent for a moment, then went on: “Ithink that in modern Western society, thereseems to be a powerful cultural conditioning thatis based on science. But in some instances, thebasic premises and parameters set up byWestern science can limit your ability to deal withcertain realities. For instance, you have theconstraints of the idea that everything can beexplained within the framework of a singlelifetime, and you combine this with the notion thateverything can and must be explained andaccounted for. But when you encounterphenomena that you cannot account for, thenthere’s a kind of a tension created ; it’s almost afeeling of agony.”Even though I sensed there was truth in whathe said, I found it difficult to accept at first.“Well, in Western psychology when we come

across human behaviors that on the surface aredifficult to explain, there are certain approachesthat we can use to understand what’s going on.For example, the idea of the unconscious orsubconscious part of the mind plays a prominentrole. We feel that sometimes behavior can be aresult of psychological processes that we aren’tconsciously aware of—for instance, one mightact in a certain way so as to avoid an underlyingfear. Without being aware of it, certain behaviorsmay be motivated by the desire to not allowthose fears to surface in the conscious mind, sowe don’t have to feel the discomfort associatedwith them.”Reflecting for a moment, the Dalai Lama said,“In Buddhism there is the idea of dispositions andimprints left by certain types of experiences,which is somewhat similar to the idea of the

unconscious in Western psychology. Forinstance, a certain type of event may haveoccurred in an earlier part of your life which hasleft a very strong imprint on your mind which canremain hidden, and then later affect yourbehavior. So, there is this idea of something thatcan be unconscious—imprints that one may notbe consciously aware of. Anyway, I think thatBuddhism can accept many of the factors that theWestern theorists can come up with, but on topof that it would add additional factors. Forexample, it would add the conditioning andimprints from previous lives. In Westernpsychology, however, I think that there may be atendency to overemphasize the role of theunconscious in looking for the source of one’sproblems. I think that this stems from some of thebasic assumptions that Western psychology starts

with: for instance, it does not accept the idea ofimprints being carried over from a past life. Andat the same time there is an assumption thateverything must be accounted for within thislifetime. So, when you can’t explain what iscausing certain behaviors or problems, thetendency is to always attribute it to theunconscious. It’s a bit like you’ve lost somethingand you decide that the object is in this room.And once you have decided this, then you’vealready fixed your parameters; you’ve precludedthe possibility of its being outside the room or inanother room. So you keep on searching andsearching, but you are not finding it, yet youcontinue to assume that it is still hiddensomewhere in the room!”

When I initially conceived of this book, Ienvisioned a conventional self-help format inwhich the Dalai Lama would present clear andsimple solutions to all life’s problems. I felt that,using my background in psychiatry, I couldcodify his views in a set of easy instructions onhow to conduct one’s daily life. By the end of ourseries of meetings I had given up on that idea. Ifound that his approach encompassed a muchbroader and more complex paradigm,incorporating all the nuance, richness, andcomplexity that life has to offer.Gradually, however, I began to hear the singlenote he constantly sounded. It is one of hope. His

hope is based on the belief that while attaininggenuine and lasting happiness is not easy, itnevertheless can be done. Underlying all theDalai Lama’s methods there is a set of basicbeliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: abelief in the fundamental gentleness and goodnessof all human beings, a belief in the value ofcompassion, a belief in a policy of kindness, anda sense of commonality among all livingcreatures.As his message unfolded, it becameincreasingly clear that his beliefs are not based onblind faith or religious dogma but rather on soundreasoning and direct experience. Hisunderstanding of the human mind and behavior isbased on a lifetime of study. His views are rootedin a tradition that dates back over twenty-fivehundred years yet is tempered by common sense

and a sophisticated understanding of modernproblems. His appreciation of contemporaryissues has been forged as a result of his uniqueposition as a world figure, which has allowed himto travel the world many times, exposing himselfto many different cultures and people from allwalks of life, exchanging ideas with top scientistsand religious and political leaders. Whatultimately emerges is a wise approach to dealingwith human problems that is at once optimisticand realistic.In this book I have sought to present the DalaiLama’s approach to a primarily Westernaudience. I have included extensive excerptsfrom his public teachings and our privateconversations. In keeping with my purpose oftrying to emphasize the material that is mostreadily applicable to our daily lives, I have at

times chosen to omit portions of the DalaiLama’s discussions that concern some of themore philosophical aspects of Tibetan Buddhism.The Dalai Lama has already written a number ofexcellent books on various aspects of theBuddhist path. Selected titles can be found at theend of this book, and those interested in more indepthexploration of Tibetan Buddhism will findmuch of value in these books.

Part ITHE PURPOSE OF LIFE

Chapter 1THE RIGHT TO HAPPINESSI believe that the very purpose of our life is toseek happiness. That is clear. Whether onebelieves in religion or not, whether one believes inthis religion or that religion, we all are seeking

something better in life. So, I think, the verymotion of our life is towards happiness ...“With these words, spoken before a largeaudience in Arizona, the Dalai Lama cut to theheart of his message. But his claim that thepurpose of life was happiness raised a question inmy mind. Later, when we were alone, I asked,“Are you happy?”“Yes,” he said. He paused, then added, “Yes... definitely.” There was a quiet sincerity in hisvoice that left no doubt— a sincerity that wasreflected in his expression and in his eyes.“But is happiness a reasonable goal for mostof us?” I asked. “Is it really possible?”“Yes. I believe that happiness can beachieved through training the mind.”On a basic human level, I couldn’t help butrespond to the idea of happiness as an achievable

goal. As a psychiatrist, however, I had beenburdened by notions such as Freud’s belief that“one feels inclined to say that the intention thatman should be ‘happy’ is not included in the planof ’Creation.‘ ” This type of training had ledmany in my profession to the grim conclusion thatthe most one could hope for was “thetransformation of hys teric misery into commonunhappiness.” From that standpoint, the claimthat there was a clearly defined path to happinessseemed like quite a radical idea. As I lookedback over my years of psychiatric training, Icould rarely recall having heard the word“happiness” even mentioned as a therapeuticobjective. Of course, there was plenty of talkabout relieving the patient’s symptoms ofdepression or anxiety, of resolving internalconflicts or relationship problems, but never with

the expressly stated goal of becoming happy.The concept of achieving true happiness has,in the West, always seemed ill defined, elusive,ungraspable. Even the word “happy” is derivedfrom the Icelandic word happ, meaning luck orchance. Most of us, it seems, share this view ofthe mysterious nature of happiness. In thosemoments of joy that life brings, happiness feelslike something that comes out of the blue. To myWestern mind, it didn’t seem the sort of thing thatone could develop, and sustain, simply by“training the mind.”When I raised that objection, the Dalai Lamawas quick to explain. “When I say ‘training themind,’ in this context I’m not referring to ‘mind’merely as one’s cognitive ability or intellect.Rather, I’m using the term in the sense of theTibetan word Sem, which has a much broader

meaning, closer to’psyche’ or ‘spirit’, it includesintellect and feeling, heart and mind. By bringingabout a certain inner discipline, we can undergo atransformation of our attitude, our entire outlookand approach to living.“When we speak of this inner discipline, it canof course involve many things, many methods.But generally speaking, one begins by identifyingthose factors which lead to happiness and thosefactors which lead to suffering. Having done this,one then sets about gradually eliminating thosefactors which lead to suffering and cultivatingthose which lead to happiness. That is the way.”The Dalai Lama claims to have found some

measure of personal happiness. And throughoutthe week he spent in Arizona, I often witnessedhow this personal happiness can manifest as asimple willingness to reach out to others, tocreate a feeling of affinity and goodwill, even inthe briefest of encounters.One morning after his public lecture the DalaiLama was walking along an outside patio on theway back to his hotel room, surrounded by hisusual retinue. Noticing one of the hotelhousekeeping staff standing by the elevators, hepaused to ask her, “Where are you from?” For amoment she appeared taken aback by thisforeign-looking man in the maroon robes andseemed puzzled by the deference of theentourage. Then she smiled and answered shyly,“Mexico.” He paused briefly to chat with her afew moments and then walked on, leaving her

with a look of excitement and pleasure on herface. The next morning at the same time, sheappeared at the same spot with another of thehousekeeping staff, and the two of them greetedhim warmly as he got into the elevator. Theinteraction was brief, but the two of themappeared flushed with happiness as they returnedto work. Every day after that, they were joinedby a few more of the housekeeping staff at thedesignated time and place, until by the end of theweek there were dozens of maids in their crispgray-and-white uniforms forming a receiving linethat stretched along the length of the path that ledto the elevators.

Our days are numbered. At this very moment,many thousands are born into the world, somedestined to live only a few days or weeks, andthen tragically succumb to illness or othermisfortune. Others are destined to push throughto the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond,and savor every taste life has to offer: triumph,despair, joy, hatred, and love. We never know.But whether we live a day or a century, a centralquestion always remains: What is the purpose ofour life? What makes our lives meaningful?The purpose of our existence is to seekhappiness. It seems like common sense, andWestern thinkers from Aristotle to William Jameshave agreed with this idea. But isn’t a life basedon seeking personal happiness by nature selfcentered,even self-indulgent? Not necessarily. Infact, survey after survey has shown that it is

unhappy people who tend to be most selffocusedand are often socially withdrawn,brooding, and even antagonistic. Happy people,in contrast, are generally found to be moresociable, flexible, and creative and are able totolerate life’s daily frustrations more easily thanunhappy people. And, most important, they arefound to be more loving and forgiving thanunhappy people.Researchers have devised some interestingexperiments demonstrating that happy peopleexhibit a certain quality of openness, a willingnessto reach out and help others. They managed, forinstance, to induce a happy mood in a testsubject by arranging to have the personunexpectedly find money in a phone booth.Posing as a stranger, one of the experimentersthen walked by and “accidentally” dropped a

load of papers. The investigators wanted to seewhether the subject would stop to help thestranger. In another scenario, the subjects’ spiritswere lifted by listening to a comedy album, andthen they were approached by someone in need(also in cahoots with the experi menter) wantingto borrow money. The investigators discoveredthat the subjects who were feeling happy weremore likely to help someone or to lend moneythan another “control group” of individuals whowere presented with the same opportunity to helpbut whose mood had not been boosted ahead oftime.While these kinds of experiments contradictthe notion that the pursuit and achievement ofpersonal happiness somehow lead to selfishnessand self-absorption, we can all conduct our ownexperiment in the laboratory of our own daily

lives. Suppose, for instance, we’re stuck intraffic. After twenty minutes it finally beginsmoving again, at around parade speed. We seesomeone in another car signaling that she wantsto pull into our lane ahead of us. If we’re in agood mood, we are more likely to slow downand wave them on ahead. If we’re feelingmiserable, our response may be simply to speedup and close the gap. “Well, I’ve been stuck herewaiting all this time ; why shouldn’t they?”We begin, then, with the basic premise thatthe purpose of our life is to seek happiness. It is avision of happiness as a real objective, one thatwe can take positive steps toward achieving.And as we begin to identify the factors that leadto a happier life, we will learn how the search forhappiness offers benefits not only for theindividual but for the individual’s family and for

society at large as well.

Chapter 2THE SOURCES OF HAPPINESSTwo years ago, a friend of mine had anunexpected windfall. Eighteen months before thattime, she had quit her job as a nurse to go towork for two friends who were starting a small

health-care company. The company enjoyedmeteoric success, and within the eighteen monthsthey were bought out by a large conglomerate fora huge sum. Having gotten in on the ground floorof the company, my friend emerged from thebuyout dripping with stock options—enough tobe able to retire at the age of thirty-two. I sawher not long ago and asked how she wasenjoying her retirement. “Well,” she said, “it’sgreat being able to travel and do the things thatI’ve always wanted to do. But,” she added, “it’sstrange; after I got over all the excitement ofmaking all that money, things kinda returned tonormal. I mean things are different—I bought anew house and stuff—but overall I don’t thinkI’m much happier than I was before.”Just around the time that my friend wascashing in on her windfall profits, I had another

friend of the same age who found out he wasHIV positive. We spoke about how he wasdealing with his HIV status. “Of course, I wasdevastated at first,” he said. “And it took mealmost a year just to come to terms with the factthat I had the virus. But over the past year thingshave changed. I seem to get more out of eachday than I ever did before, and on a moment-tomomentbasis, I feel happier than I ever have. Ijust seem to appreciate everyday things more,and I’m grateful that so far I haven’t developedany severe AIDS symptoms and I can reallyenjoy the things I have. And even though I’drather not be HIV positive, I have to admit that insome ways it has transformed my life ... inpositive ways ...”“In what ways?” I asked.“Well, for instance, you know that I’ve

always tended to be a confirmed materialist. Butover the past year coming to terms with mymortality has opened up a whole new world. I’vestarted exploring spirituality for the first time inmy life, reading a lot of books on the subject andtalking to people ... discovering so many thingsthat I’ve never even thought about before. Itmakes me excited about just getting up in themorning, about seeing what the day will bring.”Both these people illustrate the essential pointthat happiness is determined more by one’sstate of mind than by external events. Successmay result in a temporary feeling of elation, ortragedy may send us into a period of depression,but sooner or later our overall level of happinesstends to migrate back to a certain baseline.Psychologists call this process adaptation, andwe can see how this principle operates in our

everyday life ; a pay raise, a new car, orrecognition from our peers may lift our mood fora while, but we soon return to our customarylevel of happiness. In the same way, an argumentwith a friend, a car in the repair shop, or a minorinjury may put us in a foul mood, but within amatter of days our spirits rebound.This tendency isn’t limited to trivial, everydayevents but persists even under more extremeconditions of triumph or disaster. Researcherssurveying Illinois state lottery winners and Britishpool winners, for instance, found that the initialhigh eventually wore off and the winners returnedto their usual range of moment-to-momenthappiness. And other studies have demonstratedthat even those who are struck by catastrophicevents such as cancer, blindness, or paralysistypically recover their normal or near-normal

level of day-to-day happiness after anappropriate adjustment period.So, if we tend to return to our characteristicbaseline level of happiness no matter what ourexternal conditions are, what determines thisbaseline? And, more important, can it bemodified, set at a higher level? Some researchershave recently argued that an individual’scharacteristic level of happiness or well-being isgenetically determined, at least to some degree.Studies such as one that found that identical twins(sharing the same genetic constitution) tend tohave very similar levels of well-being—regardlessof whether they were raised together or apart—have led these investigators to postulate abiological set point for happiness, wired into thebrain at birth.But even if genetic makeup plays a role in

happiness—and the verdict is still out on howlarge that role is—there is general agreementamong psychologists that no matter what level ofhappiness we are endowed with by nature, thereare steps we can take to work with the “mindfactor,” to enhance our feelings of happiness.This is because our moment-to-momenthappiness is largely determined by our outlook.In fact, whether we are feeling happy or unhappyat any given moment often has very little to dowith our absolute conditions but, rather it is afunction of how we perceive our situation, howsatisfied we are with what we have.

THE COMPARING MINDWhat shapes our perception and level ofsatisfaction? Our feelings of contentment arestrongly influenced by our tendency tocompare. When we compare our currentsituation to our past and find that we’re betteroff, we feel happy. This happens, for instance,when our income suddenly jumps from $20,000to $30,000 a year, but it’s not the absoluteamount of income that makes us happy, as wesoon find out when we get used to our newincome and discover that we won’t be happyagain unless we’re making $40,000 a year. Wealso look around and compare ourselves toothers. No matter how much we make, we tend

to be dissatisfied with our income if our neighboris making more. Professional athletes complainbitterly about annual salaries of $1 million, $2million, or $3 million, citing the higher salary of ateammate as justification for their unhappiness.This tendency seems to support H. L.Mencken’s definition of a wealthy man: onewhose income is $100 a year higher than hiswife’s sister’s husband.So we can see how our feeling of lifesatisfaction often depends on who we compareourselves to. Of course, we compare other thingsbesides income. Constant comparison with thosewho are smarter, more beautiful, or moresuccessful than ourselves also tends to breedenvy, frustration, and unhappiness. But we canuse this same principle in a positive way ; we canincrease our feeling of life satisfaction by

comparing ourselves to those who are lessfortunate than us and by reflecting on all thethings we have.Researchers have conducted a number ofexperiments demonstrating that one’s level of lifesatisfaction can be enhanced simply by shiftingone’s perspective and contemplating how thingscould be worse. In one study, women at theUniversity of Wisconsin at Milwaukee wereshown images of the extremely harsh livingconditions in Milwaukee at the turn of the centuryor were asked to visualize and write about goingthrough personal tragedies such as being burnedor disfigured. After completing this exercise, thewomen were asked to rate the quality of theirown lives. The exercise resulted in an increasedsense of satisfaction with their lives. In anotherexperiment at the State University of New York

at Buffalo, subjects were asked to complete thesentence “I’m glad I’m not a ...” After fiverepetitions of this exercise, the subjectsexperienced a distinct elevation in their feelings oflife satisfaction. Another group of subjects wasasked by the experimenters to complete thesentence “I wish I were a ...” This time, theexperiment left the subjects feeling moredissatisfied with their lives.These experiments, which show that we canincrease or decrease our sense of life satisfactionby changing our perspective, clearly point to thesupremacy of one’s mental outlook in living ahappy life.The Dalai Lama explains, “Although it ispossible to achieve happiness, happiness is not asimple thing. There are many levels. In Buddhism,for instance, there is a reference to the four

factors of fulfillment, or happiness: wealth,worldly satisfaction, spirituality, andenlightenment. Together they embrace the totalityof an individual’s quest for happiness.“Let us leave aside for a moment ultimatereligious or spiritual aspirations like perfectionand enlightenment and deal with joy andhappiness as we understand them in an everydayor worldly sense. Within this context, there arecertain key elements that we conventionallyacknowledge as contributing to joy andhappiness. For example, good health isconsidered to be one of the necessary factors fora happy life. Another factor that we regard as asource of happiness is our material facilities, orthe wealth that we accumulate. An additionalfactor is to have friendship, or companions. Weall recognize that in order to enjoy a fulfilled life,

we need a circle of friends with whom we canrelate emotionally and trust.“Now, all of these factors are, in fact, sourcesof happiness. But in order for an individual to beable to fully utilize them towards the goal ofenjoying a happy and fulfilled life, your state ofmind is key. It’s crucial.“If we utilize our favorable circumstances,such as our good health or wealth, in positiveways, in helping others, they can be contributoryfactors in achieving a happier life. And of coursewe enjoy these things—our material facilities,success, and so on. But without the right mentalattitude, without attention to the mental factor,these things have very little impact on our longtermfeelings of happiness. For example, if youharbor hateful thoughts or intense angersomewhere deep down within yourself, then it

uins your health ; thus it destroys one of thefactors. Also, if you are mentally unhappy orfrustrated, then physical comfort is not of muchhelp. On the other hand, if you can maintain acalm, peaceful state of mind, then you can be avery happy person even if you have poor health.Or, even if you have wonderful possessions,when you are in an intense moment of anger orhatred, you feel like throwing them, breakingthem. At that moment your possessions meannothing. Today there are societies that are verydeveloped materially, yet among them there aremany people who are not very happy. Justunderneath the beautiful surface of affluence thereis a kind of mental unrest, leading to frustration,unnecessary quarrels, reliance on drugs oralcohol, and in the worst case, suicide. So thereis no guarantee that wealth alone can give you the

joy or fulfillment that you are seeking. The samecan be said of your friends too. When you are inan intense state of anger or hatred, even a veryclose friend appears to you as somehow sort offrosty, or cold, distant, and quite annoying.“All of this indicates the tremendous influencethat the mental state, the mind factor, has on ourexperience of daily life. Naturally, then, we haveto take that factor very seriously.“So leaving aside the perspective of spiritualpractice, even in worldly terms, in terms of ourenjoying a happy day-to-day existence, thegreater the level of calmness of our mind, thegreater our peace of mind, the greater our abilityto enjoy a happy and joyful life.”The Dalai Lama paused for a moment as if tolet that idea settle, then added, “I should mentionthat when we speak of a calm state of mind or

peace of mind, we shouldn’t confuse that with atotally insensitive, apathetic state of mind. Havinga calm or peaceful state of mind doesn’t meanbeing totally spaced out or completely empty.Peace of mind or a calm state of mind is rootedin affection and compassion. There is a very highlevel of sensitivity and feeling there.”Summarizing, he said, “As long as there is alack of the inner discipline that brings calmness ofmind, no matter what external facilities orconditions you have, they will never give you thefeeling of joy and happiness that you are seeking.On the other hand, if you possess this innerquality, a calmness of mind, a degree of stabilitywithin, then even if you lack various externalfacilities that you would normally considernecessary for happiness, it is still possible to livea happy and joyful life.”

INNER CONTENTMENTCrossing the hotel parking lot on my way to meetwith the Dalai Lama one afternoon, I stopped toadmire a brand-new Toyota Land Cruiser, thetype of car I had been wanting for a long time.Still thinking of that car as I began my session, Iasked, “Sometimes it seems that our wholeculture, Western culture, is based on materialacquisition; we’re surrounded, bombarded, withads for the latest things to buy, the latest car andso on. It’s difficult not to be influenced by that.There are so many things we want, things wedesire. It never seems to stop. Can you speak abit about desire?”“I think there are two kinds of desire,” the

Dalai Lama replied. “Certain desires are positive.A desire for happiness. It’s absolutely right. Thedesire for peace. The desire for a moreharmonious world, a friendlier world. Certaindesires are very useful.“But at some point, desires can becomeunreasonable. That usually leads to trouble.Now, for example, sometimes I visitsupermarkets. I really love to see supermarkets,because I can see so many beautiful things. So,when I look at all these different articles, Idevelop a feeling of desire, and my initial impulsemight be, ‘Oh, I want this ; I want that.’ Then, thesecond thought that arises, I ask myself, ‘Oh, doI really need this?’ The answer is usually no. Ifyou follow after that first desire, that initialimpulse, then very soon your pockets will empty.However, the other level of desire, based on

one’s essential needs of food, clothing, andshelter, is something more reasonable.“Sometimes, whether a desire is excessive ornegative depends on the circumstances or societyin which you live. For example, if you live in aprosperous society where a car is required tohelp you manage in your daily life, then of coursethere’s nothing wrong in desiring a car. But if youlive in a poor village in India where you canmanage quite well without a car but you stilldesire one, even if you have the money to buy it,it can ultimately bring trouble. It can create anuncomfortable feeling among your neighbors andso on. Or, if you’re living in a more prosperoussociety and have a car but keep wanting moreexpensive cars, that leads to the same kind ofproblems.”“But,” I argued, “I can’t see how wanting or

uying a more expensive car leads to problemsfor an individual, as long as he or she can affordit. Having a more expensive car than yourneighbors might be a problem for them—theymight be jealous and so on—but having a newcar would give you, yourself, a feeling ofsatisfaction and enjoyment.”The Dalai Lama shook his head and repliedfirmly, “No.... Self-satisfaction alone cannotdetermine if a desire or action is positive ornegative. A murderer may have a feeling ofsatisfaction at the time he is committing themurder, but that doesn’t justify the act. All thenonvirtuous actions—lying, stealing, sexualmisconduct, and so on—are committed bypeople who may be feeling a sense of satisfactionat the time. The demarcation between a positiveand a negative desire or action is not whether it

gives you a immediate feeling of satisfaction butwhether it ultimately results in positive or negativeconsequences. For example, in the case ofwanting more expensive possessions, if that isbased on a mental attitude that just wants moreand more, then eventually you’ll reach a limit ofwhat you can get; you’ll come up against reality.And when you reach that limit, then you’ll lose allhope, sink down into depression, and so on.That’s one danger inherent in that type of desire.“So I think that this kind of excessive desireleads to greed—an exaggerated form of desire,based on overexpectation. And when you reflectupon the excesses of greed, you’ll find that itleads an individual to a feeling of frustration,disappointment, a lot of confusion, and a lot ofproblems. When it comes to dealing with greed,one thing that is quite characteristic is that

although it arrives by the desire to obtainsomething, it is not satisfied by obtaining.Therefore, it becomes sort of limitless, sort ofbottomless, and that leads to trouble. Oneinteresting thing about greed is that although theunderlying motive is to seek satisfaction, the ironyis that even after obtaining the object of yourdesire, you are still not satisfied. The trueantidote of greed is contentment. If you have astrong sense of contentment, it doesn’t matterwhether you obtain the object or not ; either way,you are still content.”

So, how can we achieve inner contentment?There are two methods. One method is to obtaineverything that we want and desire—all themoney, houses, and cars ; the perfect mate ; andthe perfect body. The Dalai Lama has alreadypointed out the disadvantage of this approach ; ifour wants and desires remain unchecked, sooneror later we will run up against something that wewant but can’t have. The second, and morereliable, method is not to have what we want butrather to want and appreciate what we have.The other night, I was watching a televisioninterview with Christopher Reeve, the actor whowas thrown from a horse in 1994 and suffered aspinal cord injury that left him completelyparalyzed from the neck down, requiring amechanical ventilator even to breathe. Whenquestioned by the interviewer about how he dealt

with the depression resulting from his disability,Reeve revealed that he had experienced a briefperiod of complete despair while in the intensivecare unit of the hospital. He went on to say,however, that these feelings of despair passedrelatively quickly, and he now sincerelyconsidered himself to be a “lucky guy.” He citedthe blessings of a loving wife and children butalso spoke gratefully about the rapid advances ofmodern medicine (which he estimates will find acure for spinal cord injury within the nextdecade), stating that if he had been hurt just afew years earlier, he probably would have diedfrom his injuries. While describing the process ofadjusting to his paralysis, Reeve said that whilehis feelings of despair resolved rather quickly, atfirst he was still troubled by intermittent pangs ofjealousy that could be triggered by another’s

innocent passing remark such as, “I’m just gonnarun upstairs and get something.” In learning todeal with these feelings, he said, “I realized thatthe only way to go through life is to look at yourassets, to see what you can still do ; in my case,fortunately I didn’t have any brain injury, so I stillhave a mind I can use.” Focusing on hisresources in this manner, Reeve has elected touse his mind to increase awareness and educatethe public about spinal cord injury, to help others,and has plans to continue speaking as well as towrite and direct films.

INNER WORTHWe’ve seen how working on our mental outlookis a more effective means of achieving happinessthan seeking it through external sources such aswealth, position, or even physical health. Anotherinternal source of happiness, closely linked withan inner feeling of contentment, is a sense of selfworth.In describing the most reliable basis fordeveloping that sense of self-worth, the DalaiLama explained:“Now in my case, for instance, suppose I hadno depth of human feeling, no capacity for easilycreating good friends. Without that, when I lostmy own country, when my political authority inTibet came to an end, becoming a refugee would

have been very difficult. While I was in Tibet,because of the way the political system was setup, there was a certain degree of respect given tothe office of the Dalai Lama and people relatedto me accordingly, regardless of whether theyhad true affection towards me or not. But if thatwas the only basis of people’s relation towardsme, then when I lost my country, it would havebeen extremely difficult. But there is anothersource of worth and dignity from which you canrelate to other fellow human beings. You canrelate to them because you are still a humanbeing, within the human community. Youshare that bond. And that human bond isenough to give rise to a sense of worth anddignity. That bond can become a source ofconsolation in the event that you loseeverything else.”

The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment totake a sip of tea, then shaking his head he added,“Unfortunately, when you read history you’ll findcases of emperors or kings in the past who losttheir status due to some political upheaval andwere forced to leave the country, but the storyafterwards wasn’t that positive for them. I thinkwithout that feeling of affection and connectionwith other fellow human beings, life becomesvery hard.“Generally speaking, you can have twodifferent types of individuals. On the one hand,you can have a wealthy, successful person,surrounded by relatives and so on. If thatperson’s source of dignity and sense of worth isonly material, then so long as his fortune remains,maybe that person can sustain a sense ofsecurity. But the moment the fortune wanes, the

person will suffer because there is no otherrefuge. On the other hand, you can have anotherperson enjoying similar economic status andfinancial success, but at the same time, thatperson is warm and affectionate and has a feelingof compassion. Because that person has anothersource of worth, another source that gives him orher a sense of dignity, another anchor, there isless chance of that person’s becoming depressedif his or her fortune happens to disappear.Through this type of reasoning you can see thevery practical value of human warmth andaffection in developing an inner sense of worth.”

HAPPINESS VERSUS PLEASURESeveral months after the Dalai Lama’s talks inArizona, I visited him at his home in Dharamsala.It was a particularly hot and humid Julyafternoon, and I arrived at his home drenched insweat after only a short hike from the village.Coming from a dry climate, I found the humidityto be almost unbearable that day, and I wasn’t inthe best of moods as we sat down to begin ourconversation. He, on the other hand, seemed tobe in great spirits. Shortly into our conversation,we turned to the topic of pleasure. At one pointin the discussion, he made a crucial observation:“Now sometimes people confuse happinesswith pleasure. For example, not long ago I was

speaking to an Indian audience at Rajpur. Imentioned that the purpose of life was happiness,so one member of the audience said thatRajneesh teaches that our happiest momentcomes during sexual activity, so through sex onecan become the happiest,” the Dalai Lamalaughed heartily. “He wanted to know what Ithought of that idea. I answered that from mypoint of view, the highest happiness is when onereaches the stage of Liberation, at which there isno more suffering. That’s genuine, lastinghappiness. True happiness relates more to themind and heart. Happiness that depends mainlyon physical pleasure is unstable ; one day it’sthere, the next day it may not be.”

On the surface, it seemed like a fairly obviousobservation; of course, happiness and pleasurewere two different things. And yet, we humanbeings are often quite adept at confusing the two.Not long after I returned home, during a therapysession with a patient, I was to have a concretedemonstration of just how powerful that simplerealization can be.Heather was a young single professionalworking as a coun selor in the Phoenix area.Although she enjoyed her job working withtroubled youth, for some time she had becomeincreasingly dissatisfied with living in that area.She often complained about the growingpopulation, the traffic, and the oppressive heat inthe summer. She had been offered a job in abeautiful small town in the mountains. In fact, she

had visited that town many times and had alwaysdreamed of moving there. It was perfect. Theonly problem was the fact that the job she wasoffered involved an adult clientele. For weeks,she had been struggling with the decision whetherto accept the new job. She just couldn’t make upher mind. She tried making up a list of pros andcons, but the list was annoyingly even.She explained, “I know I wouldn’t enjoy thework as much as my job here, but that would bemore than compensated for by the pure pleasureof living in that town! I really love it there. Justbeing there makes me feel good. And I’m so sickof the heat here. I just don’t know what to do.”Her mention of the term “pleasure” remindedme of the Dalai Lama’s words, and, probing abit, I asked, “Do you think that moving therewould bring you greater happiness or greater

pleasure?”She paused for a moment, uncertain what tomake of the question. Finally she answered, “Idon’t know ... You know, I think it would bringme more pleasure than happiness ... Ultimately, Idon’t think I‘dreally be happy working with thatclientele. I really do get a lot of satisfactionworking with the kids at my job....”Simply reframing her dilemma in terms of“Will it bring me happiness?” seemed to providea certain clarity. Suddenly it became much easierto make her decision. She decided to remain inPhoenix. Of course, she still complained aboutthe summer heat. But, having made the consciousdecision to remain there on the basis of what shefelt would ultimately make her happier, somehowmade the heat more bearable.

Everyday we are faced with numerous decisionsand choices. And try as we may, we often don’tchoose the thing that we know is “good for us.”Part of this is related to the fact that the “rightchoice” is often the difficult one—the one thatinvolves some sacrifice of our pleasure.In every century, men and women havestruggled with trying to define the properrole thatpleasure should play in their lives—a legion ofphilosophers, theologists, and psychologists, allexploring our relationship with pleasure. In thethird century B.C., Epicurus based his system ofethics on the bold assertion that “pleasure is thebeginning and end of the blessed life.” But evenEpicurus acknowledged the importance ofcommon sense and moderation, recognizing that

unbridled devotion to sensual pleasures couldsometimes lead to pain instead. In the closingyears of the nineteenth century, Sigmund Freudwas busy formulating his own theories aboutpleasure. According to Freud, the fundamentalmotivating force for the entire psychic apparatuswas the wish to relieve the tension caused byunfulfilled instinctual drives ; in other words, ourunderlying motive is to seek pleasure. In thetwentieth century, many researchers have chosento side-step more philosophical speculations,and, instead, a host of neuroanatomists havetaken to poking around the brain’s hypothalamusand limbic regions with electrodes, searching forthe spot that produces pleasure when electricallystimulated.None of us really need dead Greekphilosophers, nineteenth-century psychoanalysts,

or twentieth-century scientists to help usunderstand pleasure. We know it when we feel it.We know it in the touch or smile of a loved one,in the luxury of a hot bath on a cold rainyafternoon, in the beauty of a sunset. But many ofus also know pleasure in the frenetic rhapsody ofa cocaine rush, the ecstasy of a heroin high, therevelry of an alcohol buzz, the bliss ofunrestrained sexual excess, the exhilaration of awinning streak in Las Vegas. These are also veryreal pleasures—pleasures that many in oursociety must come to terms with.Although there are no easy solutions toavoiding these destructive pleasures, fortunatelywe have a place to begin: the simple reminderthat what we are seeking in life is happiness. Asthe Dalai Lama points out, that is an unmistakablefact. If we approach our choices in life keeping

that in mind, it is easier to give up the things thatare ultimately harmful to us, even if those thingsbring us momentary pleasure. The reason why itis usually so difficult to “Just say no!” is found inthe word “no”; that approach is associated with asense of rejecting something, of giving somethingup, of denying ourselves.But there is a better approach: framing anydecision we face by asking ourselves, “Will itbring me happiness?” That simple question canbe a powerful tool in helping us skillfully conductall areas of our lives, not just in the decisionwhether to indulge in drugs or that third piece ofbanana cream pie. It puts a new slant on things.Approaching our daily decisions and choices withthis question in mind shifts the focus from whatwe are denying ourselves to what we are seeking—ultimate happiness. A kind of happiness, as

defined by the Dalai Lama, that is stable andpersistent. A state of happiness that remains,despite life’s ups and downs and normalfluctuations of mood, as part of the very matrix ofour being. With this perspective, it’s easier tomake the “right decision” because we are actingto give ourselves something, not denying orwithholding something from ourselves—anattitude of moving toward rather than movingaway, an attitude of embracing life rather thanrejecting it. This underlying sense of movingtoward happiness can have a very profoundeffect ; it makes us more receptive, more open, tothe joy of living.

Chapter 3TRAINING THE MIND FORHAPPINESS

THE PATH TO HAPPINESSIn identifying one’s mental state as the primefactor in achieving happiness, of course thatdoesn’t deny that our basic physical needs forfood, clothing, and shelter must be met. But oncethese basic needs are met, the message is clear:we don’t need more money, we don’t needgreater success or fame, we don’t need theperfect body or even the perfect mate—rightnow, at this very moment, we have a mind,which is all the basic equipment we need toachieve complete happiness.In presenting his approach to working withthe mind, the Dalai Lama began, “When we referto ‘mind’ or’consciousness,‘ there are many

different varieties. Just like external conditions orobjects, some things are very useful, some arevery harmful, and some are neutral. So whendealing with external matter, usually we first try toidentify which of these different substances orchemicals are helpful, so we can take care tocultivate, increase, and use them. And thosesubstances which are harmful, we get rid of. Sosimilarly, when we talk about mind, there arethousands of different thoughts or different’minds.Among them, some are very helpful ; those, weshould take and nourish. Some are negative, veryharmful ; those, we should try to reduce.“So, the first step in seeking happiness islearning. We first have to learn how negativeemotions and behaviors are harmful to us andhow positive emotions are helpful. And we mustrealize how these negative emotions are not only

very bad and harmful to one personally butharmful to society and the future of the wholeworld as well. That kind of realization enhancesour determination to face and overcome them.And then, there is the realization of the beneficialaspects of the positive emotions and behaviors.Once we realize that, we become determined tocherish, develop, and increase those positiveemotions no matter how difficult that is. There isa kind of spontaneous willingness from within. Sothrough this process of learning, of analyzingwhich thoughts and emotions are beneficial andwhich are harmful, we gradually develop a firmdetermination to change, feeling, ‘Now the secretto my own happiness, my own good future, iswithin my own hands. I must not miss thatopportunity!’“In Buddhism, the principle of causality is

accepted as a natural law. In dealing with reality,you have to take that law into account. So, forinstance, in the case of everyday experiences, ifthere are certain types of events that you do notdesire, then the best method of ensuring that thatevent does not take place is to make sure that thecausal conditions that normally give rise to thatevent no longer arise. Similarly, if you want aparticular event or experience to occur, then thelogical thing to do is to seek and accumulate thecauses and conditions that give rise to it.“This is also the case with mental states andexperiences. If you desire happiness, you shouldseek the causes that give rise to it, and if youdon’t desire suffering, then what you should do isto ensure that the causes and conditions thatwould give rise to it no longer arise. Anappreciation of this causal principle is very

important.“Now, we have spoken of the supremeimportance of the mental factor in achievinghappiness. Our next task, therefore, is to examinethe variety of mental states that we experience.We need to clearly identify different mental statesand make a distinction, classifying themaccording to whether they lead to happiness ornot.”“Can you give some specific examples ofdifferent mental states and describe how youwould classify them?” I asked.The Dalai Lama explained, “Now forinstance, hatred, jealousy, anger, and so on areharmful. We consider them negative states ofmind because they destroy our mental happiness ;once you harbor feelings of hatred or ill feelingtowards someone, once you yourself are filled by

hatred or negative emotions, then other peopleappear to you as also hostile. So as a result thereis more fear, greater inhibition and hesitation, anda sense of insecurity. These things develop, andalso loneliness in the midst of a world perceivedas hostile. All these negative feelings developbecause of hatred. On the other hand, mentalstates such as kindness and compassion aredefinitely very positive. They are very useful ...”“I’m just curious,” I interrupted. “Youmention that there are thousands of differentstates of mind. What would be your definition ofa psychologically healthy or well-adjustedperson? We might use such a definition as aguideline in determining which mental states tocultivate and which ones to eliminate.”He laughed, then with his characteristichumility he responded, “As a psychiatrist, you

might have a better definition of a psychologicallyhealthy person.”“But I mean from your standpoint.”“Well, I would regard a compassionate,warm, kindhearted person as healthy. If youmaintain a feeling of compassion, lovingkindness, then something automatically opensyour inner door. Through that, you cancommunicate much more easily with otherpeople. And that feeling of warmth creates akind of openness. You’ll find that all humanbeings are just like you, so you’ll be able torelate to them more easily. That gives you aspirit of friendship. Then there’s less need to hidethings, and as a result, feelings of fear, self-doubt,and insecurity are automatically dispelled. Also, itcreates a feeling of trust from other people.Otherwise, for example, you might find someone

who is very competent, and you know that youcan trust that person’s competence. But if yousense that person is not kind, then you have tohold something back. You feel that‘Oh, I knowthat person can do things, but can I really trusthim?’ so you will always have a certainapprehension which creates a kind of distancefrom him.“So, anyway, I think that cultivating positivemental states like kindness and compassiondefinitely leads to better psychological health andhappiness.”

MENTAL DISCIPLINEAs he spoke, I found something very appealingabout the Dalai Lama’s approach to achievinghappiness. It was absolutely practical andrational: Identify and cultivate positive mentalstates ; identify and eliminate negative mentalstates. Although his suggestion to begin bysystematically analyzing the variety of mentalstates that we experience initially struck me asbeing a bit dry, I gradually became carried awayby the force of his logic and reasoning. And Iliked the fact that rather than classifying mentalstates, emotions, or desires on the basis of someexternally imposed moral judgment such as

“Greed is a sin” or “Hatred is evil,” hecategorizes emotions as positive or negativesimply on the basis of whether they lead to ourultimate happiness.Resuming our conversation the next afternoon, Iasked, “If happiness is simply a matter ofcultivating more positive mental states likekindness and so on, why are so many peopleunhappy?”“Achieving genuine happiness may requirebringing about a transformation in your outlook,your way of thinking, and this is not a simplematter,” he said. “It requires the application of somany different factors from different directions.You shouldn’t have the notion, for instance, thatthere is just one key, a secret, and if you can getthat right, then everything will be okay. It issimilar to taking proper care of the physical

ody ; you need a variety of vitamins andnutrients, not just one or two. In the same way, inorder to achieve happiness, you need a variety ofapproaches and methods to deal with andovercome the varied and complex negativemental states. And if you are seeking toovercome certain negative ways of thinking, it isnot possible to accomplish that simply byadopting a particular thought or practicing atechnique once or twice. Change takes time.Even physical change takes time. For instance, ifyou’re moving from one climate to another, thebody needs time to adapt to the newenvironment. And in the same way, transformingyour mind takes time. There are a lot of negativemental traits, so you need to address andcounteract each one of these. That isn’t easy. Itrequires the repeated application of various

techniques and taking the time to familiarizeyourself with the practices. It’s a process oflearning.“But I think that as time goes on, you canmake positive changes. Everyday as soon as youget up, you can develop a sincere positivemotivation, thinking, ‘I will utilize this day in amore positive way. I should not waste this veryday.’ And then, at night before bed, check whatyou’ve done, asking yourself, ‘Did I utilize thisday as I planned?’ If it went accordingly, thenyou should rejoice. If it went wrong, then regretwhat you did and critique the day. So, throughmethods such as this, you can graduallystrengthen the positive aspects of the mind.“Now, for example, in my own case, as aBuddhist monk, I believe in Buddhism andthrough my own experience I know that these

Buddhist practices are very helpful to me.However, because of habituation, through manyprevious lifetimes, certain things may arise, likeanger or attachment. So now what I do is: firstlearn about the positive value of the practices,then build up determination, and then try toimplement them. At the beginning, theimplementation of the positive practices is verysmall, so the negative influences are still verypowerful. However, eventually, as you graduallybuild up the positive practices, the negativebehaviors are automatically diminished. So,actually the practice of Dharma 1 is a constantbattle within, replacing previous negativeconditioning or habituation with new positiveconditioning.”Continuing he said, “No matter what activityor practice we are pursuing, there isn’t anything

that isn’t made easier through constant familiarityand training. Through training, we can change ; wecan transform ourselves. Within Buddhistpractice there are various methods of trying tosustain a calm mind when some disturbing eventhappens. Through repeated practice of thesemethods we can get to the point where somedisturbance may occur but the negative effects onour mind remain on the surface, like the wavesthat may ripple on the surface of an ocean butdon’t have much effect deep down. And,although my own experience may be very little, Ihave found this to be true in my own smallpractice. So, if I receive some tragic news, at thatmoment I may experience some disturbancewithin my mind, but it goes very quickly. Or, Imay become irritated and develop some anger,but again, it dissipates very quickly. There is no

effect on the deeper mind. No hatred. This wasachieved through gradual practice; it didn’thappen overnight.“Certainly not. The Dalai Lama has beenengaged in training his mind since he was fouryears old.The systematic training of the mind—thecultivation of happiness, the genuine innertransformation by deliberately selecting andfocusing on positive mental states and challengingnegative mental states—is possible because ofthe very structure and function of the brain. Weare born with brains that are geneticallyhardwired with certain instinctual behavior

patterns; we are predisposed mentally,emotionally, and physically to respond to ourenvironment in ways that enable us to survive.These basic sets of instructions are encoded incountless innate nerve cell activation patterns,specific combinations of brain cells that fire inresponse to any given event, experience, orthought. But the wiring in our brains is not static,not irrevocably fixed. Our brains are alsoadaptable. Neuroscientists have documented thefact that the brain can design new patterns, newcombinations of nerve cells and neurotransmitters(chemicals that transmit messages between nervecells) in response to new input. In fact, our brainsare malleable, ever changing, reconfiguring theirwiring according to new thoughts andexperiences. And as a result of learning, thefunction of individual neurons themselves change,

allowing electrical signals to travel along themmore readily. Scientists call the brain’s inherentcapacity to change “plasticity.”This ability to change the brain’s wiring, togrow new neural connections, has beendemonstrated in experiments such as oneconducted by Doctors Avi Karni and LeslieUnderleider at the National Institutes of MentalHealth. In that experiment, the researchers hadsubjects perform a simple motor task, a fingertappingexercise, and identified the parts of thebrain involved in the task by taking a MRI brainscan. The subjects then practiced the fingerexercise daily for four weeks, gradually becomingmore efficient and quicker at it. At the end of thefour-week period, the brain scan was repeatedand showed that the area of the brain involved inthe task had expanded ; this indicated that the

egular practice and repetition of the task hadrecruited new nerve cells and changed the neuralconnections that had originally been involved inthe task.This remarkable feature of the brain appearsto be the physiological basis for the possibility oftransforming our minds. By mobilizing ourthoughts and practicing new ways of thinking, wecan reshape our nerve cells and change the wayour brains work. It is also the basis for the ideathat inner transformation begins with learning(new input) and involves the discipline ofgradually replacing our “negative conditioning”(corresponding with our present characteristicnerve cell activation patterns) with “positiveconditioning” (forming new neural circuits). Thus,the idea of training the mind for happinessbecomes a very real possibility.

ETHICAL DISCIPLINEIn a later discussion related to training the mindfor happiness, the Dalai Lama pointed out, “Ithink that ethical behavior is another feature ofthe kind of inner discipline that leads to a happierexistence. One could call this ethical discipline.Great spiritual teachers like the Buddha advise usto perform wholesome actions and avoidindulging in unwholesome actions. Whether ouraction is wholesome or unwholesome dependson whether that action or deed arises from adisciplined or undisciplined state of mind. It is feltthat a disciplined mind leads to happiness and anundisciplined mind leads to suffering, and in fact itis said that bringing about discipline within

one’s mind is the essence of the Buddha’steaching.“When I speak of discipline, I’m referring toself-discipline, not discipline that’s externallyimposed on you by someone else. Also, I’mreferring to discipline that’s applied in order toovercome your negative qualities. A criminal gangmay need discipline to perform a successfulrobbery, but that discipline is useless.”The Dalai Lama stopped speaking for amoment and seemed to be reflecting, gatheringhis thoughts. Or, perhaps he was simplysearching for a word in English. I don’t know.But thinking about our conversation as he pausedthat afternoon, something about all this talkconcerning the importance of learning anddiscipline began to strike me as being rathertedious when contrasted with the lofty goals of

true happiness, spiritual growth, and completeinternal transformation. It seemed that the questfor happiness should somehow be a morespontaneous process.Raising this issue, I interjected, “You describethe negative emotions and behaviors as being‘unwholesome’ and the positive behaviors as’wholesome.‘ Further, you’ve said that anuntrained or undisciplined mind generally resultsin negative or unwholesome behaviors, so wehave to learn and train ourselves to increase ourpositive behaviors. So far, so good.“But the thing that bothers me is that yourvery definition of negative or unwholesomebehaviors is those behaviors which lead tosuffering. And you define a wholesome behavioras one that leads to happiness. You also startwith the basic premise that all beings naturally

want to avoid suffering and gain happiness—thatdesire is innate; it doesn’t have to be learned.The question then is: If it’s natural for us to wantto avoid suffering, why aren’t we spontaneouslyand naturally more and more repulsed by thenegative or unwholesome behaviors as we growolder? And if it is natural to want to gainhappiness, why aren’t we spontaneously andnaturally more and more drawn to wholesomebehaviors and thus become happier as our lifeprogresses? I mean, if these wholesomebehaviors naturally lead to happiness and wewant happiness, shouldn’t that occur as a naturalprocess? Why should we need so mucheducation, training, and discipline for that processto occur?”Shaking his head, the Dalai Lama replied,“Even in conventional terms, in our everyday life,

we consider education as a very important factorfor ensuring a successful and happy life. Andknowledge does not come by naturally. We haveto train; we have to go through a kind ofsystematic training program and so forth. And weconsider this conventional education and trainingto be quite hard ; otherwise why would studentslook forward so much to vacations? Still, weknow that this type of education is quite vital forensuring a happy and successful life.“In the same way, doing wholesome deedsmay not come naturally, but we have toconsciously train towards it. This is so,particularly in modern society, because there is atendency to accept that the question ofwholesome deeds and unwholesome deeds—what to do and what is not to be done—issomething that is considered to be within the

purview of religion. Traditionally, it has beenconsidered the responsibility of religion toprescribe what behaviors are wholesome andwhat are not. However, in today’s society,religion has lost its prestige and influence to somedegree. And at the same time, no alternative,such as a secular ethics, has come up to replaceit. So there seems to be less attention paid to theneed to lead a wholesome way of life. It isbecause of this that I think we need to makesome special effort and consciously worktowards gaining that kind of knowledge. Forexample, although I personally believe that ourhuman nature is fundamentally gentle andcompassionate, I feel it is not enough that this isour underlying nature; we must also develop anappreciation and awareness of that fact. Andchanging how we perceive ourselves, through

learning and understanding, can have a veryreal impact on bow we interact with othersand how we conduct our daily lives.”Playing devil’s advocate, I countered, “Still,you use the analogy of conventional academiceducation and training. That is one thing. But ifyou are talking about certain behaviors that youcall ‘wholesome’ or positive, leading tohappiness, and other behaviors leading tosuffering, why does it take so much learning toidentify which behaviors are which and so muchtraining to implement the positive behaviors andeliminate the negative? I mean, if you put yourhand in a fire, you get burned. You pull yourhand back, and you’ve learned that this behaviorleads to suffering. You don’t need extensivelearning or training to learn not to touch the fireagain.

“So, why aren’t all behaviors or emotions thatlead to suffering like that? For instance, you claimthat anger and hatred are clearly negativeemotions and ultimately lead to suffering. But whydoes one have to be educated about the harmfuleffects of anger and hatred in order to eliminatethem? Since anger immediately causes anuncomfortable emotional state in oneself, and it iscertainly easy to feel that discomfort directly, whydoesn’t one just naturally and spontaneouslyavoid it in the future?”As the Dalai Lama listened intently to myarguments, his intelligent eyes widened slightly, asif he were mildly surprised, or even amused, atthe naïveté of my questions. Then, with a hardylaugh, full of goodwill, he said:“When you talk of knowledge leading tofreedom or resolution of a problem, you have to

understand that there are many different levels.For example, let’s say that human beings in theStone Age didn’t know how to cook meat butthey still had the biological need to eat, so theyjust ate like a wild animal. As humansprogressed, they learned how to cook and thenhow to put in different spices to make the foodmore tasty and then they came up with morediverse dishes. And even up to our present age, ifwe are suffering from a particular illness andthrough our knowledge we learn that a certaintype of food is not good for us, even though wemight have the desire to eat it, we restrainourselves from eating it. So it is clear that themore sophisticated the level of our knowledge is,the more effective we will be in dealing with thenatural world.“You also need the ability to judge the long-

term and short-term consequences of yourbehaviors and weigh the two. For example, inovercoming anger, although animals mayexperience anger, they cannot understand thatanger is destructive. In the case of human beings,however, there is a different level, where youhave a kind of self-awareness that allows you toreflect and observe that when anger arises, ithurts you. Therefore, you can make a judgmentthat anger is destructive. You need to be able tomake that inference. So it’s not as simple asputting your hand in a fire, and then being burnedand just learning in the future never to do it again.The more sophisticated your level of educationand knowledge about what leads to happinessand what causes suffering, the more effective youwill be in achieving happiness. So, it is because ofthis that I think education and knowledge are

crucial.”Sensing, I suppose, my continued resistanceto the idea of simple education as a means ofinternal transformation, he observed, “Oneproblem with our current society is that we havean attitude towards education as if it is there tosimply make you more clever, make you moreingenious. Sometimes it even seems as if thosewho are not highly educated, those who are lesssophisticated in terms of their educationaltraining, are more innocent and more honest.Even though our society does not emphasize this,the most important use of knowledge andeducation is to help us understand the importanceof engaging in more wholesome actions andbringing about discipline within our minds. Theproper utilization of our intelligence andknowledge is to effect changes from within to

develop a good heart.”

Chapter 4RECLAIMING OUR INNATESTATE OF HAPPINESS

OUR FUNDAMENTAL NATURENow, we are made to seek happiness. And it isclear that feel-Nings of love, affection, closeness,and compassion bring happiness. I believe thatevery one of us has the basis to be happy, toaccess the warm and compassionate states ofmind that bring happiness,“ the Dalai Lamaasserted. ”In fact, it is one of my fundamentalbeliefs that not only do we inherently possess thepotential for compassion but I believe that thebasic or underlying nature of human beings isgentleness.““What do you base that belief on?”“The Buddhist doctrine of ‘Buddha Nature’provides some grounds for the belief that the

fundamental nature of all sentient beings isessentially gentle and not aggressive. 2 But onecan adopt this view without having to resort tothe Buddhist doctrine of’Buddha Nature.‘ Thereare also other grounds on which I base this belief.I think the subject of human affection orcompassion isn’t just a religious matter ; it’s anindispensable factor in one’s day-to-day life.“So, first, if we look at the very pattern of ourexistence from an early age until our death, wecan see the way in which we are fundamentallynurtured by other’s affection. It begins at birth.Our very first act after birth is to suck ourmother’s or someone else’s milk. That is an actof affection, of compassion. Without that act, wecannot survive. That’s clear. And that actioncannot be fulfilled unless there is a mutual feelingof affection. From the child’s side, if there is no

feeling of affection, no bond, towards the personwho is giving the milk, then the child may notsuck the milk. And without affection on the partof the mother or someone else, then the milk maynot come freely. So that’s the way of life. That’sreality.“Then, our physical structure seems to bemore suited to feelings of love and compassion.We can see how a calm, affectionate, wholesomestate of mind has beneficial effects on our healthand physical well-being. Conversely, feelings offrustration, fear, agitation, and anger can bedestructive to our health.“We can also see that our emotional health isenhanced by feelings of affection. To understandthis, we need only to reflect on how we feel whenothers show us warmth and affection. Or,observe how our own affectionate feelings or

attitudes automatically and naturally affect usfrom within, how they make us feel. These gentleremotions and the positive behaviors that go withthem lead to a happier family and community life.“So, I think that we can infer that ourfundamental human nature is one of gentleness.And if this is the case, then it makes all the moresense to try to live a way of life that is more inaccordance with this basic gentle nature of ourbeing.”“If our essential nature is kind andcompassionate,” I asked, “I’m just wonderinghow you account for all the conflicts andaggressive behaviors that are all around us.”The Dalai Lama nodded thoughtfully for amoment before replying, “Of course we can’tignore the fact that conflicts and tensions do exist,not only within an individual mind but also within

the family, when we interact with other people,and at the societal level, the national level, andthe global level. So, looking at this, some peopleconclude that human nature is basicallyaggressive. They may point to human history,suggesting that compared to other mammals‘,human behavior is much more aggressive. Or,they may claim, ’Yes, compassion is a part of ourmind. But anger is also a part of our mind. Theyare equally a part of our nature; both are more orless at the same level.‘ Nonetheless,” he saidfirmly, leaning forward in his chair, straining withalertness, “it is still my firm conviction thathuman nature is essentially compassionate,gentle. That is the predominant feature ofhuman nature. Anger, violence, and aggressionmay certainly arise, but I think it’s on asecondary or more superficial level ; in a sense,

they arise when we are frustrated in our efforts toachieve love and affection. They are not part ofour most basic, underlying nature.“So, although aggression can occur, I believethat these conflicts aren’t necessarily because ofhuman nature but rather a result of the humanintellect—unbalanced human intelligence, misuseof our intelligence, our imaginative faculty. Nowin looking at human evolution, I think thatcompared to some other animals‘, our physicalbody may have been very weak. But because ofthe development of human intelligence, we wereable to use many instruments and discover manymethods to conquer adverse environmentalconditions. As human society and environmentalconditions gradually became more complex, thisrequired a greater and greater role of ourintelligence and cognitive ability to meet the ever-

increasing demands of this complex environment.So, I believe that our underlying or fundamentalnature is gentleness, and intelligence is a laterdevelopment. And I think that if that humanability, that human intelligence, develops in anunbalanced way, without being properlycounterbalanced with compassion, then it canbecome destructive. It can lead to disaster.“But, I think it’s important to recognize that ifhuman conflicts are created by misuse of humanintelligence, we can also utilize our intelligence tofind ways and means to overcome these conflicts.When human intelligence and human goodness oraffection are used together, all human actionsbecome constructive. When we combine a warmheart with knowledge and education, we canlearn to respect other’s views and other’s rights.This becomes the basis of a spirit of

econciliation that can be used to overcomeaggression and resolve our conflicts.”The Dalai Lama paused and glanced at hiswatch. “So,” he concluded, “no matter howmuch violence or how many bad things we haveto go through, I believe that the ultimate solutionto our conflicts, both internal and external, lies inreturning to our basic or underlying human nature,which is gentle and compassionate.”Looking again at his watch, he began to laughin a friendly way. “So ... we’ll stop here ... It’sbeen a long day!” He gathered up his shoeswhich he had slipped off during our conversationand retired to his room.

THE QUESTION OF HUMANNATUREOver the past few decades, the Dalai Lama’sview of the underlying compassionate nature ofhuman beings seems to be slowly gaining groundin the West, although it has been a struggle. Thenotion that human behavior is essentially egoistic,that fundamentally we are all out for ourselves, isdeeply ingrained in Western thought. The ideathat not only are we inherently selfish but also thataggression and hostility are part of basic humannature has dominated our culture for centuries.Of course, historically there were plenty ofpeople with the opposite view. For instance, in

the mid-1700s David Hume wrote a lot about the“natural benevolence” of human beings. And acentury later, even Charles Darwin himselfattributed an “instinct of sympathy” to ourspecies. But for some reason the morepessimistic view of humanity has taken root in ourculture, at least since the seventeenth century,under the influence of philosophers like ThomasHobbes, who had a pretty dark view of thehuman species. He saw the human race as beingviolent, competitive, in continual conflict, andconcerned only with self-interest. Hobbes, whowas famous for discounting any notion of basichuman kindness, was once caught giving moneyto a beggar on the street. When questioned aboutthis generous impulse, he claimed, “I’m not doingthis to help him. I’m just doing this to relieve myown distress at seeing the man’s poverty.”

Similarly, in the earlier part of this century, theSpanish-born philosopher George Santayanawrote that generous, caring impulses, while theymay exist, are generally weak, fleeting, andunstable in human nature but, “dig a little beneaththe surface and you’ll find a ferocious, persistent,profoundly selfish man.” Unfortunately, Westernscience and psychology grabbed hold of ideaslike that, then sanctioned, and even encouraged,this egoistic view. Beginning in the earliest days ofmodern scientific psychology, there was a generalunderlying assumption that all human motivation isultimately egoistic, based purely on self-interest.After implicitly accepting the premise of ouressential selfishness, a number of very prominentscientists over the past hundred years haveadded to this a belief in the essential aggressivenature of humans. Freud claimed that, “the

inclination to aggression is an original, selfsubsisting,instinctual disposition.” In the latterhalf of this century, two writers in particular,Robert Ardrey and Konrad Lorenz, looked atpatterns of animal behavior in certain predatorspecies and concluded that humans werebasically predators as well, with an innate orinstinctive drive to fight over territory.In recent years, however, the tide appears tobe turning on this profoundly pessimistic view ofhumanity, coming closer to the Dalai Lama’sview of our underlying nature as gentle andcompassionate. Over the past two or threedecades, there have been literally hundreds ofscientific studies indicating that aggression is notessentially innate and that violent behavior isinfluenced by a variety of biological, social,situational, and environmental factors. Perhaps

the most comprehensive statement on the latestresearch was summarized in the 1986 SevilleStatement on Violence that was drawn up andsigned by twenty top scientists from around theworld. In that statement, they of courseacknowledged that violent behavior does occur,but they categorically stated that it isscientifically incorrect to say that we have aninherited tendency to make war or actviolently. That behavior is not geneticallyprogrammed into human nature. They saidthat even though we have the neural apparatus toact violently, that behavior isn’t automaticallyactivated. There’s nothing in our neurophysiologythat compels us to act violently. In examining thesubject of basic human nature, most researchersin the field currently feel that fundamentally wehave the potential to develop into gentle, caring

people or violent, aggressive people ; the impulsethat gets emphasized is largely a matter oftraining.Contemporary researchers have refuted notonly the idea of humanity’s innate aggression, butthe idea that humans are innately selfish andegoistic has also come under attack. Investigatorssuch as C. Daniel Batson or Nancy Eisenberg atArizona State University have conductednumerous studies over the past few years thatdemonstrate that humans have a tendency towardaltruistic behavior. Some scientists, such as sociologist Dr. Linda Wilson, seek to discover whythis is so. She has theorized that altruism may bepart of our basic survival instinct—the veryopposite to ideas of earlier thinkers whotheorized that hostility and aggression were thehallmark of our survival instinct. Looking at over

a hundred natural disasters, Dr. Wilson found astrong pattern of altruism among disaster victims,which seemed to be part of the recoveryprocess. She found that working together to helpeach other tended to ward off later psychologicalproblems that might have resulted from thetrauma.The tendency to closely bond with others,acting for the welfare of others as well as oneself,may be deeply rooted in human nature, forged inthe remote past as those who bonded togetherand became part of a group had an increasedchance of survival. This need to form close socialties persists up to the present day. In studies,such as one conducted by Dr. Larry Scherwitz,examining the risk factors for coronary heartdisease, it has been found that the people whowere most self-focused (those who referred to

themselves using the pronouns “I,” “me,” and“my” most often in an interview) were more likelyto develop coronary heart disease, even whenother health-threatening behaviors werecontrolled. Scientists are discovering that thosewho lack close social ties seem to suffer frompoor health, higher levels of unhappiness, and agreater vulnerability to stress.Reaching out to help others may be asfundamental to our nature as communication.One could draw an analogy with thedevelopment of language which, like the capacityfor compassion and altruism, is one of themagnificent features of the human race. Particularareas of the brain are specifically devoted to thepotential for language. If we are exposed to thecorrect environmental conditions, that is, asociety that speaks, then those discreet areas of

the brain begin to develop and mature and ourcapacity for language grows. In the same way, allhumans may be endowed with the “seed ofcompassion.” When exposed to the rightconditions—at home, in society at large, and laterperhaps through our own pointed efforts—that“seed” will flourish. With this idea in mind,researchers are now seeking to discover theoptimal environmental conditions that will allowthe seed of caring and compassion to ripen inchildren. They have identified several factors:having parents who are able to regulate their ownemotions, who model caring behavior, who setappropriate limits on the children’s behavior, whocommunicate that a child is responsible for her orhis own behavior, and who use reasoning to helpdirect the child’s attention to affective oremotional states and the consequences of her or

his behavior on others.Revising our basic assumptions about theunderlying nature of human beings, from hostile tohelpful, can open up new possibilities. If we beginby assuming the self-interest model of all humanbehavior, then an infant serves as a perfectexample, as “proof,” of that theory. At birth,infants appear to be programmed with only onething on their minds: the gratification of theirown needs—food, physical comfort, and so on.But if we suspend that basic egoistic assumption,a whole new picture begins to emerge. We couldjust as easily say that an infant is born

programmed for only one thing: the capacityand Purpose of bringing pleasure and joy toothers. By just observing a healthy infant, itwould be hard to deny the underlying gentlenature of human beings. And from this newvantage point, we could make a good case thatthe capacity to bring pleasure to another, thecaregiver, is inborn. For example, in a newborninfant the sense of smell is developed to perhapsonly 5 percent that of an adult, and the sense oftaste is developed very little. But what does existof these senses in the newborn is geared towardthe smell and taste of breast milk. The act ofnursing not only provides nutrients for the baby; italso serves to relieve tension in the breast. So,we could say that the infant is born with an innatecapacity to bring pleasure to the mother, byrelieving the tension in the breast.

An infant is also biologically programmed torecognize and respond to faces, and there arefew people who fail to find genuine pleasure inhaving a young baby gazing innocently into theireyes and smile. Some ethologists have formulatedthis into a theory, suggesting that when an infantsmiles at the caregiver or looks directly into hiseyes, the infant is following a deeply ingrained“biological blueprint,” instinctively “releasing”gentle, tender, caring behaviors from thecaregiver, who is also obeying an equallycompelling instinctual mandate. As moreinvestigators strike out to objectively discover thenature of human beings, the notion of the infant asa little bundle of selfishness, an eating andsleeping machine, is yielding to a vision of a beingthat comes into the world with an innatemechanism to please others, requiring only the

proper environmental conditions to allow theunderlying and natural “seed of compassion” togerminate and grow.Once we conclude that the basic nature ofhumanity is compassionate rather than aggressive,our relationship to the world around us changesimmediately. Seeing others as basicallycompassionate instead of hostile and selfish helpsus relax, trust, live at ease. It makes us happier.

MEDITATION ON THE PURPOSEOF LIFEAs the Dalai Lama sat in the Arizona desert thatweek, exploring human nature and examining thehuman mind with the scrutiny of a scientist, onesimple truth seemed to shine through andilluminate every discussion: the purpose of ourlife is happiness. That simple statement can beused as a powerful tool in helping us navigatethrough life’s daily problems. From thatperspective, our task becomes one of discardingthe things that lead to suffering and accumulatingthe things that lead to happiness. The method, thedaily practice, involves gradually increasing our

awareness and understanding of what truly leadsto happiness and what doesn’t.When life becomes too complicated and wefeel overwhelmed, it’s often useful just to standback and remind ourselves of our overallpurpose, our overall goal. When faced with afeeling of stagnation and confusion, it may behelpful to take an hour, an afternoon, or evenseveral days to simply reflect on what it is thatwill truly bring us happiness, and then reset ourpriorities on the basis of that. This can put our lifeback in proper context, allow a freshperspective, and enable us to see which directionto take.From time to time we are faced with pivotaldecisions that can affect the entire course of ourlives. We may decide, for instance, to getmarried, to have children, or to embark on a

course of study to become a lawyer, an artist, oran electrician. The firm resolve to become happy—to learn about the factors that lead tohappiness and take positive steps to build ahappier life—can be just such a decision. Theturning-toward happiness as a valid goal andthe conscious decision to seek happiness in asystematic manner can profoundly change therest of our lives.The Dalai Lama’s understanding of the factorsthat ultimately lead to happiness is based on alifetime of methodically observing his own mind,exploring the nature of the human condition, andinvestigating these things within a framework firstestablished by The Buddha over twenty-fivecenturies ago. And from this background, theDalai Lama has come to some definiteconclusions about which activities and thoughts

are most worthwhile. He summarized his beliefsin the following words that can be used as ameditation.sometimes when I meet old friends, it reminds mehow quickly time passes. And it makes mewonder if we’ve utilized our time properly or not.Proper utilization of time is so important. Whilewe have this body, and especially this amazinghuman brain, I think every minute is somethingprecious. Our day-to-day existence is very muchalive with hope, although there is no guarantee ofour future. There is no guarantee that tomorrow

at this time we will be here. But still we areworking for that purely on the basis of hope. So,we need to make the best use of our time. Ibelieve that the proper utilization of time is this: ifyou can, serve other people, other sentientbeings. If not, at least refrain from harming them.I think that is the whole basis of my philosophy.“So, let us reflect on what is truly of value inlife, what gives meaning to our lives, and set ourpriorities on the basis of that. The purpose of ourlife needs to be positive. We weren’t born withthe purpose of causing trouble, harming others.For our life to be of value, I think we mustdevelop basic good human qualities—warmth,kindness, compassion. Then our life becomesmeaningful and more peaceful—happier.”

Part IIHUMAN WARMTH ANDCOMPASSION

Chapter 5A NEW MODEL FOR INTIMACY

LONELINESS AND CONNECTIONIentered the sitting room of the Dalai Lama’shotel suite, and he motioned for me to sit down.As tea was poured, he slipped off a pair ofbutterscotch-colored Rockports and settledcomfortably into an oversized chair.“So?” he asked in a casual tone but with aninflection that said he was ready for anything. Hesmiled, but remained silent. Waiting.Moments before, while sitting in the hotellobby waiting for our session to begin, I hadabsently picked up a copy of a local alternativenewspaper that had been turned to the“Personals” section. I had briefly scanned thedensely packed ads, page after page of people

searching, desperately hoping to connect withanother human being. Still thinking about thoseads as I sat down to begin my meeting with theDalai Lama, I suddenly decided to set aside mylist of prepared questions and asked, “Do youever get lonely?”“No,” he said simply. I was unprepared forthis response. I assumed that his response wouldbe along the lines of, “Of course ... every once ina while everyone feels some loneliness....” Then Iwas planning on asking him how he deals withloneliness. I never expected to confront anyonewho never felt lonely.“No?” I asked again, incredulous.“No.”“What do you attribute that to?”He thought for a moment. “I think one factoris that I look at any human being from a more

positive angle; I try to look for their positiveaspects. This attitude immediately creates afeeling of affinity, a kind of connectedness.“And it may partly be because on my part,there is less apprehension, less fear, that if I act ina certain way, maybe the person will lose respector think that I am strange. So because that kindof fear and apprehension is normally absent,there is a kind of openness. I think it’s the mainfactor.”Struggling to comprehend the scope anddifficulty of adopting such an attitude, I asked,“But how would you suggest that a personachieve the ability to feel that comfortable withpeople, not have that fear or apprehension ofbeing disliked or judged by other people? Arethere specific methods that an average personcould use to develop this attitude?”

“My basic belief is that you first need torealize the usefulness of compassion,” he saidwith a tone of conviction. “That’s the key factor.Once you accept the fact that compassion is notsomething childish or sentimental, once yourealize that compassion is something reallyworthwhile, realize it’s deeper value, then youimmediately develop an attraction towards it, awillingness to cultivate it.“And once you encourage the thought ofcompassion in your mind, once that thoughtbecomes active, then your attitude towardsothers changes automatically. If you approachothers with the thought of compassion, that willautomatically reduce fear and allow an opennesswith other people. It creates a positive, friendlyatmosphere. With that attitude, you can approacha relationship in which you, yourself, initially

create the possibility of receiving affection or apositive response from the other person. Andwith that attitude, even if the other person isunfriendly or doesn’t respond to you in a positiveway, then at least you’ve approached the personwith a feeling of openness that gives you a certainflexibility and the freedom to change yourapproach as needed. That kind of openness atleast allows the possibility of having a meaningfulconversation with them. But without the attitudeof compassion, if you are feeling closed, irritated,or indifferent, then you can even be approachedby your best friend and you just feeluncomfortable.“I think that in many cases people tend toexpect the other person to respond to them in apositive way first, rather than taking the initiativethemselves to create that possibility. I feel that’s

wrong; it leads to problems and can act as abarrier that just serves to promote a feeling ofisolation from others. So, if you wish toovercome that feeling of isolation and loneliness, Ithink that your underlying attitude makes atremendous difference. And approaching otherswith the thought of compassion in your mind isthe best way to do this.”My surprise about the Dalai Lama’s claim that hewas never lonely was in direct proportion to mybelief in the pervasiveness of loneliness in oursociety. This belief wasn’t born merely from animpressionistic sense of my own loneliness or the

thread of loneliness that seemed to run as anunderlying theme throughout the fabric of mypsychiatric practice. In the past twenty years,psychologists have begun to study loneliness in ascientific manner, conducting a fair number ofsurveys and studies on the subject. One of themost striking findings of these studies is thatvirtually all people report that they do experienceloneliness, either currently or in the past. In onelarge survey, one-fourth of U.S. adults reportedthat they had felt extremely lonely at least oncewithin the previous two weeks. Although weoften think of chronic loneliness as an afflictionparticularly widespread among the elderly,isolated in empty apartments or in the backwards of nursing homes, research suggests thatteenagers and young adults are just as likely toreport they are lonely as the elderly.

Because of the widespread occurrence ofloneliness, investigators have begun to examinethe complex variables that may contribute toloneliness. For instance, they have found thatlonely individuals often have problems with selfdisclosure,have difficulty communicating withothers, are poor listeners, and lack certain socialskills such as picking up conversational cues(knowing when to nod, to respond appropriately,or to remain silent). This research suggests thatone strategy for overcoming loneliness would beto work on improving these social skills. TheDalai Lama’s strategy, bowever, seemed tobypass working on social skills or externalbehaviors, in favor of an approach that cutdirectly to the heart—realizing the value ofcompassion and then cultivating it.Despite my initial surprise, as I listened to him

speak with such conviction, I came to firmlybelieve that he was never lonely. And there wasevidence to support his claim. Often enough, Ihad witnessed his first interaction with a stranger,which was invariably positive. It started tobecome clear that these positive interactionsweren’t accidental or simply the result of anaturally friendly personality. I sensed that he hadspent a great deal of time thinking about theimportance of compassion, carefully cultivating it,and using it to enrich and soften the ground of hiseveryday experience, making that soil fertile andreceptive to positive interactions with others—amethod that can, in fact, be used by anyone whosuffers from loneliness.

DEPENDENCE ON OTHERSVERSUS SELF-RELIANCE“Within all beings there is the seed of perfection.However, compassion is required in order toactivate that seed which is inherent in our heartsand minds....” With this, the Dalai Lamaintroduced the topic of compassion to a hushedassembly. Addressing an audience of fifteenhundred people, counting among them a fairproportion of dedicated students of Buddhism,he then began to discuss the Buddhist doctrine ofthe Field of Merit.In the Buddhist sense, Merit is described aspositive imprints on one’s mind, or “mental

continuum,” that occur as a result of positiveactions. The Dalai Lama explained that a Field ofMerit is a source or foundation from which aperson can accumulate Merit. According toBuddhist theory, it is a person’s stores of Meritthat determine favorable conditions for one’sfuture rebirths. He explained that Buddhistdoctrine specifies two Fields of Merit: the field ofthe Buddhas and the field of other sentientbeings. One method of accumulating Meritinvolves generating respect, faith, and confidencein the Buddhas, the Enlightened beings. The othermethod involves practicing actions like kindness,generosity, tolerance, and so on and consciousrestraint from negative actions like killing,stealing, and lying. That second method ofacquiring Merit requires interaction with otherpeople, rather than interaction with the Buddhas.

On that basis, the Dalai Lama pointed out, otherpeople can be of great help to us in accumulatingMerit.The Dalai Lama’s description of other peopleas a Field of Merit had a beautiful, lyrical qualityto it that seemed to lend itself to a richness ofimagery. His lucid reasoning and the convictionbehind his words combined to give special powerand impact to his talk that afternoon. As I lookedaround the room, I could see that many membersof the audience were visibly moved. I, myself,was less enthralled. As a result of our earlierconversations, I was in the rudimentary stages ofappreciating the profound importance ofcompassion, yet I was still heavily influenced byyears of rational, scientific conditioning that mademe regard any talk of kindness and compassionas being a bit too sentimental for my taste. As he

spoke, my mind began to wander. I startedfurtively looking around the room, searching forfamous, interesting, or familiar faces. Havingeaten a big meal just before the talk, I started toget sleepy. I drifted in and out. At one point inthe talk, my mind tuned in to hear him say “... theother day I spoke about the factors necessary toenjoy a happy and joyful life. Factors such asgood health, material goods, friends, and so on.If you closely investigate, you’ll find that all ofthese depend on other people. To maintain goodhealth, you rely on medicines made by others andhealth care provided by others. If you examine allof the material facilities that you use for theenjoyment of life, you’ll find that there are hardlyany of these material objects that have had noconnection with other people. If you thinkcarefully, you’ll see that all of these goods come

into being as a result of the efforts of manypeople, either directly or indirectly. Many peopleare involved in making those things possible.Needless to say, when we’re talking about goodfriends and companions as being anothernecessary factor for a happy life, we are talkingabout interaction with other sentient beings, otherhuman beings.“So you can see that all of these factors areinextricably linked with other people’s efforts andcooperation. Others are indispensable. So,despite the fact that the process of relating toothers might involve hardships, quarrels, andcursing, we have to try to maintain an attitude offriendship and warmth in order to lead a way oflife in which there is enough interaction with otherpeople to enjoy a happy life.”As he spoke, I felt an instinctive resistance.

Although I’ve always valued and enjoyed myfriends and family, I’ve considered myself to bean independent person. Self-reliant. Pridedmyself on this quality in fact. Secretly, I’vetended to regard overly dependent people with akind of contempt—a sign of weakness.Yet that afternoon, as I listened to the DalaiLama, something happened. As “OurDependence on Others” was not my favoritetopic, my mind started to wander again, and Ifound myself absently removing a loose threadfrom my shirt sleeve. Tuning in for a moment, Ilistened as he mentioned the many people whoare involved in making all our materialpossessions. As he said this, I began to thinkabout how many people were involved in makingmy shirt. I started by imagining the farmer whogrew the cotton. Next, the salesperson who sold

the farmer the tractor to plow the field. Then, forthat matter, the hundreds or even thousands ofpeople involved in manufacturing that tractor,including the people who mined the ore to makethe metal for each part of the tractor. And all thedesigners of the tractor. Then, of course, thepeople who processed the cotton, the peoplewho wove the cloth, and the people who cut,dyed, and sewed that cloth. The cargo workersand truck drivers who delivered the shirt to thestore and the salesperson who sold the shirt tome. It occurred to me that virtually every aspectof my life came about as the results of others’efforts. My precious self-reliance was a completeillusion, a fantasy. As this realization dawned onme, I was overcome with a profound sense of theinterconnectedness and interdependence of allbeings. I felt a softening. Something. I don’t

know. It made me want to cry.

INTIMACYOur need for other people is paradoxical. At thesame time that our culture is caught up in thecelebration of fierce independence, we also yearnfor intimacy and connection with a special lovedone. We focus all our energy on finding the oneperson who we hope will heal our loneliness yetprop up our illusion that we are still independent.Though this connection is difficult to achieve witheven one person, I would find out that the DalaiLama is capable of and recommends maintainingcloseness with as many people as possible. Infact, his aim is to connect with everyone.Meeting with him in his hotel suite in Arizonalate one afternoon, I began, “In your public talk

yesterday afternoon you spoke of the importanceof others, describing them as a Field of Merit.But in examining our relationship with others,there are really so many different ways in whichwe can relate to one another, different kinds ofrelationships ...”“That’s very true,” said the Dalai Lama.“For instance, there’s a certain type ofrelationship that’s highly valued in the West,” Iobserved. “That is a relationship that’scharacterized by a deep level of intimacybetween two people, having one special personwith whom you can share your deepest feelings,fears, and so on. People feel that unless theyhave a relationship of this kind that there issomething missing in their lives ... In fact,Western psychotherapy often seeks to helppeople learn how to develop that type of intimate

elationship ...”“Yes, I believe that kind of intimacy can beseen as something positive,” the Dalai Lamaagreed. “I think if someone is deprived of thatkind of intimacy then it can lead to problems ...”“I’m just wondering then ...,” I continued,“when you were growing up in Tibet, you werenot only considered to be like a king but youwere also considered to be a deity. I assume thatpeople were in awe of you, perhaps even a bitnervous or frightened to be in your presence.Didn’t that create a certain emotional distancefrom others, a feeling of isolation? Also, beingseparated from your family, being raised as amonk from an early age, and as a monk nevermarrying and so on—didn’t all these thingscontribute to a feeling of separation from others?Do you ever feel that you missed out on

developing a deeper level of personal intimacywith others or with one special person, such as aspouse?”Without hesitation, he replied, “No. I neverfelt a lack of intimacy. Of course my fatherpassed away many years ago, but I felt quiteclose to my mother, my teachers, my tutors, andothers. And with many of these people I couldshare my deepest feelings, fears, and concerns.When I was in Tibet, on state occasions and atpublic events there was a certain formality, acertain protocol was observed, but that wasn’talways the case. At other times, for example, Iused to spend time in the kitchen and I becamequite close with some of the kitchen staff and wecould joke or gossip or share things and it wouldbe quite relaxed, without that sense of formalityor distance.

“So, when I was in Tibet or since I’vebecome a refugee, I’ve never felt a lack ofpeople with whom I can share things. I think a lotof this has to do with my nature. It’s easy for meto share things with others ; I’m just not good atkeeping secrets!” He laughed. “Of coursesometimes this can be a negative trait. Forexample, there may be some discussion in theKashag 3 about confidential things, and then I’llimmediately discuss these things with others. Buton a personal level, being open and sharing thingscan be very useful. Because of this nature I canmake friends more easily, and it’s not just amatter of knowing people and having a superficialexchange but of really sharing my deepestproblems and suffering. And it’s the same thingwhen I hear good news ; I immediately share it

with others. So, I feel a sense of intimacy andconnection with my friends. Of course it’ssometimes easier for me to establish a connectionwith others because they’re often very happy toshare their suffering or joy with the ‘Dalai Lama,’‘His Holiness the Dalai Lama.’” He laughedagain, making light of his title. “Anyway, I feel thissense of connection, of sharing, with manypeople. For instance, in the past, if I feltdisappointed or unhappy with Tibetangovernment policy or I was concerned with otherproblems, even the threat of Chinese invasion,then I would return to my rooms and share thiswith the person who sweeps the floor. From onepoint of view it may seem quite silly to some thatthe Dalai Lama, the head of the Tibetangovernment, facing some international or nationalproblems, would share them with a sweeper.“ He

laughed once again. ”But personally I feel it isvery helpful, because then the other personparticipates and we can face the problem orsuffering together.“

EXPANDING OUR DEFINITION OFINTIMACYVirtually all researchers in the field of humanrelationships agree that intimacy is central to ourexistence. The influential British psychoanalystJohn Bowlby wrote that “intimate attachments toother human beings are the hub around which aperson’s life revolves ... From these intimateattachments a person draws his strength andenjoyment of life and, through what hecontributes, he gives strength and enjoyment toothers. These are matters about which currentscience and traditional wisdom are at one.”It is clear that intimacy promotes both

physical and psychological well-being. In lookingat the health benefits of intimate relationships,medical researchers have found that people whohave close friendships, people whom they canturn to for affirmation, empathy, and affection,are more likely to survive health challenges suchas heart attacks and major surgery and are lesslikely to develop diseases such as cancer andrespiratory infections. For example, one study ofover a thousand heart patients at Duke UniversityMedical Center found that those who lacked aspouse or close confidant were three times morelikely to die within five years of the diagnosis ofheart disease as those who were married or hada close friend. Another study of thousands ofresidents in Alameda County, California, over anine-year period showed that those with moresocial support and intimate relationships had

lower death rates overall and lower rates ofcancer. And a study at the University ofNebraska School of Medicine of several hundredelderly people found that those with an intimaterelationship had better immune function andlower cholesterol levels. Over the course of thepast several years there have been at least a halfdozenmassive investigations conducted by anumber of different researchers looking at therelationship between intimacy and health. Afterinterviewing thousands of people, the variousinvestigators all seem to have reached the sameconclusion: close relationships do, in fact,promote health.Intimacy is equally as important in maintaininggood emotional health. The psychoanalyst andsocial philosopher Erich Fromm claimed thathumankind’s most basic fear is the threat of being

separated from other humans. He believed thatthe experience of separateness, first encounteredin infancy, is the source of all anxiety in humanlife. John Bowlby agreed, citing a good deal ofexperimental evidence and research to supportthe idea that separation from one’s caregivers—usually the mother or father—during the latterpart of the first year of life, inevitably creates fearand sadness in babies. He felt that separation andinterpersonal loss are at the very roots of thehuman experiences of fear, sadness, and sorrow.So, given the vital importance of intimacy,how do we set about achieving intimacy in ourdaily lives? Following the Dalai Lama’s approachoutlined in the last section, it would seemreasonable to begin with learning—withunderstanding what intimacy is, seeking aworkable definition and model of intimacy. In

looking to science for the answer, however, itseems that despite the universal agreementamong researchers about the importance ofintimacy, that seems to be where the agreementends. Perhaps the most striking feature of even acursory review of the various studies on intimacyis the wide diversity of definitions and theoriesabout exactly what intimacy is.At the most concrete end of the spectrum isthe author Desmond Morris, who writes aboutintimacy from the perspective of a zoologisttrained in ethology. In his book, IntimateBehavior, Morris defines intimacy: “To beintimate means to be close ... In my terms, the actof intimacy occurs whenever two individualscome into bodily contact.” After defining intimacyin terms of purely physical contact, he then goeson to explore the countless ways in which

humans come into physical contact with oneanother, from a simple pat on the back to themost erotic sexual embrace. He sees touch as thevehicle through which we comfort one anotherand are comforted, via hugs or clasps of the handand, when those avenues are not available to us,more indirect means of physical contact such as amanicure. He even theorizes that the physicalcontacts we have with objects in ourenvironment, from cigarettes to jewelry towaterbeds, act as substitutes for intimacy.Most investigators are not so concrete in theirdefinitions of intimacy, agreeing that intimacy ismore than just physical closeness. Looking at theroot of the word intimacy, from the Latin intimameaning “inner” or “innermost,” they most oftensubscribe to a broader definition, such as the oneoffered by Dr. Dan McAdams, author of several

ooks on the subject of intimacy: “The desire forintimacy is the desire to share one’s innermostself with another.”But definitions of intimacy don’t stop there.On the opposite end of the spectrum fromDesmond Morris stand experts such as thefather/son psychiatrist team, Drs. Thomas PatrickMalone and Patrick Thomas Malone. In theirbook, The Art of Intimacy, they define intimacyas “the experience of connectivity.” Theirunderstanding of intimacy begins with a thoroughexamination of our “connectivity” with otherpeople, but they do not, however, limit theirconcept of intimacy to human relationships. Theirdefinition is so broad, in fact, that it includes ourrelationship with inanimate objects—trees, stars,and even space.Concepts of the most ideal form of intimacy

also vary throughout the world and history. Theromantic notion of that “One Special Person”with whom we have a passionate intimaterelationship is a product of our time and culture.But this model of intimacy is not universallyaccepted among all cultures. For instance, theJapanese seem to rely more on friendships togain intimacy, whereas Americans seek it more inromantic relationships with a boyfriend, girlfriend,or spouse. In noting this, some researchers havesuggested that Asians who tend to be lessfocused on personal feelings such as passion andare more concerned with the practical aspects ofsocial attachments appear less vulnerable to thekind of disillusionment that leads to the crumblingof relationships.In addition to variations among cultures,concepts of intimacy have also dramatically

changed over time. In colonial America, the levelof physical intimacy and proximity was generallygreater than it is today, as family and evenstrangers shared close spaces and slept togetherin one room and used a common room forbathing, eating, and sleeping. Yet the customarylevel of communication among spouses was quiteformal by today’s standards—not much differentfrom the way acquaintances or neighbors spoketo one another. Only a century later, love andmarriage became highly romanticized and intimateself-disclosure was expected to be an ingredientin any loving partnership.Ideas of what is considered to be private andintimate behavior have also changed over time. Insixteenth-century Germany, for instance, a newhusband and wife were expected to consummatetheir marriage on a bed carried by witnesses who

would validate the marriage.How people express their emotions has alsochanged. In the Middle Ages it was considerednormal to publicly express a wide range offeelings with great intensity and directness—joy,rage, fear, piety, and even pleasure at torturingand killing enemies. Extremes of hystericallaughter, passionate weeping, and violent ragewere expressed much more than would beaccepted in our society. But the commonplaceexpression of emotions and feelings in thatsociety ruled out the concept of emotionalintimacy ; if one is to display all emotions openlyand indiscriminately, then there are no privatefeelings left to express to a special few.Clearly, the notions we take for granted aboutintimacy are not universal. They change over timeand are often shaped by economic, social, and

cultural conditions. And it is easy to becomeconfused by the variety of different contemporaryWestern definitions of intimacy—withmanifestations ranging from a haircut to ourrelationship with Neptune’s moons. So wheredoes this leave us in our quest to understandwhat intimacy is? I think that the implication isclear:There is an incredible diversity among humanlives, infinite variations among people withrespect to how they can experience a sense ofcloseness. This realization alone offers us a greatopportunity. It means that at this very momentwe have vast resources of intimacy available tous. Intimacy is all around us.Today, so many of us are oppressed by afeeling of something missing in our lives, intenselysuffering from a lack of intimacy. This is

particularly true when we go through theinevitable periods in our life when we’re notinvolved in a romantic relationship or when thepassion wanes from a relationship. There’s awidespread notion in our culture that deepintimacy is best achieved within the context of apassionate romantic relationship—that SpecialSomeone who we set apart from all others. Thiscan be a profoundly limiting viewpoint, cutting usoff from other potential sources of intimacy, andthe cause of much misery and unhappiness whenthat Special Someone isn’t there.But we have within our power the means toavoid this ; we need only courageously expandour concept of intimacy to include all the otherforms that surround us on a daily basis. Bybroadening our definition of intimacy, we openourselves to discovering many new and equally

satisfying ways of connecting with others. Thisbrings us back to my initial discussion ofloneliness with the Dalai Lama, a discussiontriggered by a chance perusal of the “Personals”section of a local newspaper. It makes mewonder. At the very moment that those peoplewere composing their ads, struggling to find justthe right words that would bring romance intotheir lives and end the loneliness, how many ofthose people were already surrounded byfriends, family, or acquaintances—relationshipsthat could easily be cultivated into genuine anddeeply satisfying intimate relationships? Many, Iwould guess. If what we seek in life is happiness,and intimacy is an important ingredient of ahappier life, then it clearly makes sense toconduct our lives on the basis of a model ofintimacy that includes as many forms of

connection with others as possible. The DalaiLama’s model of intimacy is based on awillingness to open ourselves to many others, tofamily, friends, and even strangers, forminggenuine and deep bonds based on our commonhumanity.

Chapter 6DEEPENING OUR CONNECTIONTO OTHERSOne afternoon following his public lecture, Iarrived at the Dalai Lama’s hotel suite for mydaily appointment. I was a few minutes early. An

attendant discreetly glided into the hallway torelate that His Holiness was occupied in a privateaudience and would be several more minutes. Iassumed my familiar post outside his hotel suitedoor and used the time to review my notes inpreparation for our session, trying at the sametime to avoid the suspicious gaze of a securityguard—the same look perfected by conveniencestore clerks for use on junior high school studentsloitering around the magazine racks.Within a few moments, the door opened anda well-dressed middle-aged couple were shownout. They looked familiar. I remembered that Ihad been briefly introduced to them several daysearlier. I had been told that the wife was a wellknownheiress and the husband an extremelywealthy, high-powered Manhattan attorney. Atthe time of introduction we had only exchanged a

few words, but they had both struck me asunbelievably haughty. As they emerged from theDalai Lama’s hotel suite, I noted a startlingchange. Gone was the arrogant manner and smugexpressions, and in their place were two facessuffused with tenderness and emotion. They werelike two children. Streams of tears ran down bothfaces. Although the Dalai Lama’s effect on otherswas not always so dramatic, I noticed thatinvariably others responded to him with someshift of emotion. I had long marveled at his abilityto bond with others, whatever their walk of life,and establish a deep and meaningful emotionalexchange.

ESTABLISHING EMPATHYWhile we had spoken of the importance ofhuman warmth and compassion during ourconversations in Arizona, it wasn’t until somemonths later at his home in Dharamsala that I hadan opportunity to explore human relationshipswith him in greater detail. By that time I was veryeager to see if we could discover an underlyingset of principles that he uses in his interactionswith others—principles that might be applied toimprove any relationship, whether it be withstrangers, family, friends, or lovers. Anxious tobegin, I jumped right in:“Now, on the topic of human relationships ...what would you say is the most effective method

or technique of connecting with others in ameaningful way and of reducing conflicts withothers?”He glared at me for a moment. It wasn’t anunkindly glare, but it made me feel as if I had justasked him to give me the precise chemicalcomposition of moon dust.After a brief pause, he responded, “Well,dealing with others is a very complex issue. Thereis no way that you can come up with one formulathat could solve all problems. It’s a bit likecooking. If you are cooking a very deliciousmeal, a special meal, then there are variousstages in the cooking. You may have to first boilthe vegetables separately and then you have tofry them and then you combine them in a specialway, mixing in spices and so on. And finally, theend result would be this delicious product.

Similarly here, in order to be skillful in dealingwith others, you need many factors. You can’tjust say, ‘This is the method’ or ’This is thetechnique.‘”It wasn’t exactly the answer I was lookingfor. I thought he was being evasive and felt thatsurely he must have something more concrete tooffer. I pressed on: “Well, given that there is nosingle solution to improving our relationships, arethere perhaps some more general guidelines thatmight be useful?”The Dalai Lama thought for a moment beforereplying, “Yes. Earlier we spoke of theimportance of approaching others with thethought of compassion in one’s mind. That iscrucial. Of course, just telling someone, ‘Oh, it’svery important to be compassionate; you musthave more love’ isn’t enough. A simple

prescription like that alone isn’t going to work.But one effective means of teaching someonehow to be more warm and compassionate is tobegin by using reasoning to educate the individualabout the value and practical benefits ofcompassion, and also having them reflect on howthey feel when someone is kind to them and soon. In a sense this primes them, so there will bemore of an effect as they proceed in their effortsto be more compassionate.“Now in looking at the various means ofdeveloping compassion, I think that empathy isan important factor. The ability to appreciateanother’s suffering. In fact, traditionally, one ofthe Buddhist techniques for enhancingcompassion involves imagining a situation wherethere is a sentient being suffering—for instance,like a sheep about to be slaughtered by the

utcher. And then try to imagine the suffering thatthe sheep may be going through and so on ...”The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment to reflect,absently running a string of prayer beads throughhis fingers. He commented, “It occurs to me thatif we were dealingwith someone who was verycold and indifferent, then this kind of techniquemay not be very effective. It would be as if youwere to ask the butcher to do this visualization:the butcher is so hardened, so used to the wholething, that itwouldn’t have any impact. So, forexample, it would be very difficult to explain andutilize that technique for some Westerners whoare accustomed to hunting and fishing for fun, asa form of recreation ...”“In that case,” I suggested, “it might not be aneffective technique to ask a hunter to imagine thesuffering of his prey, but you might be able to

awaken feelings of compassion by beginning withhaving him visualize his favorite hunting dogcaught in a trap and squealing with pain ...”“Yes, exactly ...” agreed the Dalai Lama. “Ithink depending on the circumstances one mightmodify that technique. For instance, the personmay not have a strong feeling of empathytowards animals but at least may have someempathy towards a close family member orfriend. In that case the person could visualize asituation where the beloved person is suffering orgoing through a tragic situation and then imaginehow he or she would respond to that, react tothat. So one can attempt to increase compassionby trying to empathize with another’s feeling orexperience.“I think that empathy is important not only asa means of enhancing compassion, but I think

that generally speaking, when dealing with otherson any level, if you’re having some difficulties, it’sextremely helpful to be able to try to put yourselfin the other person’s place and see how youwould react to the situation. Even if you have nocommon experience with the other person orhave a very different lifestyle, you can try to dothis through imagination. You may need to beslightly creative. This technique involves thecapacity to temporarily suspend insisting on yourown viewpoint but rather to look from the otherperson’s perspective, to imagine what would bethe situation if you were in his shoes, how youwould deal with this. This helps you develop anawareness and respect for another’s feelings,which is an important factor in reducing conflictsand problems with other people.”

Our interview that afternoon was brief. I hadbeen fitted into the Dalai Lama’s busy scheduleat the last minute, and like several of ourconversations, it occurred late in the day.Outside, the sun was beginning to set, filling theroom with a bittersweet dusky light, turning thepale yellow walls a deep amber, and illuminatingthe Buddhist icons in the room with rich goldenhues. The Dalai Lama’s attendant silently enteredthe room, signaling the end of our session.Wrapping up the discussion, I asked, “I knowthat we have to close, but do you have any otherwords of advice or methods that you use to helpestablish empathy with others?”Echoing the words he had spoken in Arizonamany months before, with a gentle simplicity he

answered, “Whenever I meet people I alwaysapproach them from the standpoint of the mostbasic things we have in common. We each havea physical structure, a mind, emotions. We are allborn in the same way, and we all die. All of uswant happiness and do notwant to suffer.Looking at others from this standpoint rather thanemphasizing secondary differences such as thefact that I am Tibetan, or a different color,religion, or cultural background, allows me tohave a feeling that I’m meeting someone just thesame as me. I find that relating to others on thatlevel makes it much easier to exchange andcommunicate with one another.” With that, herose, smiled, clasped my hand briefly, and retiredfor the evening.

The following morning, we continued ourdiscussion at the Dalai Lama’s home.“In Arizona we spoke a great deal about theimportance of compassion in human relationships,and yesterday we discussed the role of empathyin improving our ability to relate to one another...”“Yes,” the Dalai Lama nodded.“Besides that, can you suggest any additionalspecific methods or techniques to help one dealmore effectively with other people?”“Well, as I mentioned yesterday, there is noway that you can come up with one or twosimple techniques that can solve all problems.Having said that, however, I think there are someother factors that can help one deal with othersmore skillfully. First, it is helpful to understandand appreciate the background of the people you

are dealing with. Also, being more open-mindedand honest are useful qualities when it comes todealing with others.”I waited, but he didn’t say anything more.“Can you suggest any other methods ofimproving our relationships?”The Dalai Lama thought for a moment. “No,”he laughed.I felt that these particular bits of advice weretoo simplistic, commonplace really. Still, as thatseemed to be all he had to say on the subject forthe moment, we turned to other topics.That evening, I was invited to dinner at the homeof some Tibetan friends in Dharamsala. My

friends arranged an evening that proved to bequite lively. The meal was excellent, featuring adazzling array of special dishes and starringTibetan Mo Mos, a tasty meat dumpling. Asdinner wore on, the conversation became moreanimated. Soon, the guests were swapping offcolorstories about the most embarrassing thingthey ever did while drunk. Several guests hadbeen invited to the gathering, including a wellknowncouple from Germany, the wife anarchitect and the husband a writer, author of adozen books.Having an interest in books, I approached theauthor and began a conversation. I asked abouthis writing. His replies were short andperfunctory, his manner blunt and standoffish.Thinking him rather unfriendly, even snobbish, Itook an immediate dislike to him. Well, at least I

made an attempt to connect with him, I consoledmyself, and, satisfied that he was simply adisagreeable person, I turned to conversationwith some of the more amiable guests.The following day, I ran into a friend at a cafein the village and over tea I recounted the eventsof the evening before.“... I really enjoyed everyone, except for Rolf,that writer ... He seemed so arrogant orsomething ... so unfriendly.”“I’ve known him for several years,” my friendsaid, “... I know that he comes across that way,but it’s just that he’s a bit shy, a bit reserved atfirst. He really is a wonderful person if you get toknow him ...” I wasn’t convinced. My friendcontinued, explaining, “... even though he is asuccessful writer, he has had more than his shareof difficulties in his life. Rolf has really suffered a

lot. His family suffered tremendously at the handof the Nazis during World War II. And he’s hadtwo children, whom he has been very devoted to,born with some rare genetic disorder that leftthem extremely physically and mentallyhandicapped. And instead of becoming bitter orspending his life playing the martyr, he dealt withhis problems by reaching out to others and spentmany years devoting himself to working with thehandicapped as a volunteer. He really is quitespecial if you get to know him.”As it turned out, I met Rolf and his wife onceagain at the end of that week, at a small strip fieldserving as the local airport. We were scheduledon the same flight to Delhi, which turned out tobe canceled. The next flight to Delhi wasn’t forseveral days, so we decided to share a car toDelhi, a grueling ten-hour ride. The few bits of

ackground information that my friend hadshared with me had changed my feeling towardRolf, and on the long ride down to Delhi I feltmore open toward him. As a result, I made aneffort to sustain a conversation with him. Initially,his manner remained the same. But with just thatlittle bit of openness and persistence, I soondiscovered that, as my friend had said, hisstandoffishness was more likely due to shynessthan snobbery. As we rattled through thesweltering, dusty northern Indian coun tryside,moving ever deeper into conversation, he provedto be a warm, genuine human being and astalwart traveling companion.By the time we reached Delhi, I realized thatthe Dalai Lama’s advice to “understand thebackground of people” was not as elementaryand superficial as it first appeared. Yes, it was

simple perhaps, but not simplistic. Sometimes it isthe most basic and straightforward of advice, thekind that we tend to dismiss as naive, that can bethe most effective means of enhancingcommunication.Several days later I was still in Delhi on a twodaystopover before returning home. The changefrom the tranquillity of Dharamsala was jarring,and I was in a foul mood. Besides bat tling thestifling heat, the pollution, and the crowds, theside-walks swarmed with a common species of

urban predator dedicated to the Street Swindle.Walking the scorching Delhi streets, a Westerner,a Foreigner, a Target, approached by a halfdozenhustlers per block, it felt as if I had“CHUMP” tattooed on my forehead. It wasdemoralizing.That morning, I fell for a common two-manstreet scam. One partner splattered a splotch ofred paint on my shoes while I wasn’t looking.Down the block, his confederate, an innocentlooking shoeshine boy, brought the paint to myattention and offered to shine my shoes at theusual going rate. He deftly shined the shoes withinminutes. When finished, he calmly demanded ahuge sum—two months wages for many in Delhi.When I balked, he claimed that that was theprice he had quoted me. I objected again, andthe boy began to bellow, drawing a crowd,

crying that I was refusing to pay him for servicesalready rendered. Later that day I learned thatthis was a common scam played on unsuspectingtourists ; after demanding a huge sum, theshoeshine boy deliberately raises a fuss, drawinga crowd, with the intention of extorting the moneyfrom the tourist by embarrassment and the desireto avoid a scene.That afternoon I lunched with a colleague atmy hotel. The events of the morning were quicklyforgotten as she inquired about my recent seriesof interviews with the Dalai Lama. We becameengrossed in a discussion about the Dalai Lama’sideas regarding empathy and the importance oftaking the other person’s perspective. After lunchwe jumped into a cab and set off to visit somemutual friends. As the cab pulled away, mythoughts returned to the shoeshine scam that

morning, and as dark images rustled in my mind,I happened to glance at the meter.“Stop the taxi!” I yelled. My friend jumped atthe sudden outburst. The taxi driver scowled atme in the rearview mirror but kept driving.“Pull over!” I demanded, my voice nowquivering with a trace of hysteria. My friendappeared shocked. The taxi stopped. I pointedat the meter, furiously stabbing at the air. “Youdidn’t reset the meter! There was over twentyrupees on the meter when we started!”“So sorry, sir,” he said with a dull indifferencethat further infuriated me, “I forgot to reset.... Iwill restart ...”“You’re not restarting anything!” I exploded.“I’m fed up with you people trying to pad fares,drive around in circles, or do whatever you canto rip people off ... I’m just ... just ... fed up!” I

sputtered and fumed with a sanctimoniousintensity. My friend looked embarrassed. Thetaxi driver merely stared at me with the samedefiant expression found most often among thesacred cows that strolled out into the middle of abusy Delhi street and stopped, with the seditiousintent to hold up traffic. He looked at me as if myoutburst was merely tiresome and boring. I threwa few rupees into the front seat, and withoutfurther comment opened the car door for myfriend and followed her out.Within a few minutes we hailed another taxiand were on our way again. But I couldn’t let itdrop. As we drove through the streets of Delhi, Icontinued to complain about how “everyone” inDelhi was out to cheat tourists and that we werenothing but quarry. My colleague listened silentlyas I ranted and raved. Finally she said, “Well,

twenty rupees is only around a quarter. Why getso worked up?”I seethed with pious indignation. “But it’s theprinciple that counts!” I proclaimed. “I can’t seehow you can be so calm about this whole thinganyway when it happens all the time. Doesn’t itbother you?”“Well,” she said slowly, “it did for a minute,but I started thinking about what we were talkingabout at lunch, about the Dalai Lama saying howimportant it is to see things from another’sperspective. While youwere getting worked up, Itried to think about what I might have in commonwith the cabdriver. We both want good food toeat, to sleep well, to feel good, to be loved, andso on. Then, I tried to imagine myself as thecabdriver. I sit in a stifling cab all day without airconditioning, maybe I’m angry and jealous of rich

foreigners.... and the best way I can come upwith to try to make things ‘fair,’ to be happy, isto derive ways to cheat people out of theirmoney. But the thing is, even when it works and Isqueeze a few extra rupees out of anunsuspecting tourist, I can’t imagine that it’s avery satisfying way to be happier or a verysatisfying life.... Anyway, the more I imaginedmyself as the cabdriver, somehow the less angryI was at him. His life just seemed sad.... I mean, Istill don’t agree with what he did and we wereright to get out of the cab, but I just couldn’t getworked up enough to hate him for it....”I was silent. Startled, in fact, at how little Ihad actually absorbed from the Dalai Lama. Bythat time I was beginning to develop anappreciation of the practical value of his advice,such as “understanding another’s background,”

and of course I found his examples of how heimplemented these principles in his own life to beinspiring. But as I thought back over our series ofdiscussions, beginning in Arizona and nowcontinuing in India, I realized that right from thebeginning our interviews had taken on a clinicaltone, as if I were asking him about humananatomy, only in this case, it was the anatomy ofthe human mind and spirit. Until that moment,however, somehow it hadn’t occurred to me toapply his ideas fully to my own life, at least notright now—I always had a vague intention oftrying to implement his ideas in my life at somepoint in the future, perhaps when I had moretime.

EXAMINING THE UNDERLYINGBASIS OF A RELATIONSHIPMy conversations with the Dalai Lama in Arizonahad begun with a discussion about the sources ofhappiness. And despite the fact that he haschosen to live his life as a monk, studies haveshown that marriage is a factor that can, in fact,bring happiness—providing the intimacy andclose bonds that enhance health and overall lifesatisfaction. There have been many thousands ofsurveys of Americans and Europeans that showthat generally, married people are happier andmore satisfied with life than single or widowedpeople—or especially compared to divorced or

separated people. One survey found that six inten Americans who rate their marriage as “veryhappy” also rate their life as a whole as “veryhappy.” In discussing the topic of humanrelationships, I thought it important to bring upthe subject of that common source of happiness.Minutes before one scheduled interview withthe Dalai Lama, I sat with a friend on an outdoorpatio at the hotel in Tucson enjoying a cool drink.Mentioning the topics of romance and marriagewhich I was intending to bring up in my interview,my friend and I soon began commiserating aboutbeing single. As we talked, a healthy-lookingyoung couple, golfers maybe, happily vacationingon the cusp of the tourist season, sat down at atable near us. They had the look of a midrangemarriage—no longer honeymooners perhaps, butstill young and no doubt in love. It must be nice, I

thought.No sooner had they sat down, than theybegan to bicker.“... I told you we’d be late!” the womanaccused acidly, her voice surprisingly husky, therasp of vocal cords pickled by years of cigarettesmoke and alcohol. “Now we barely haveenough time to eat. I can’t even enjoy my food!”“... if you didn’t take so long to get ready ...”the man shot back automatically, in quieter tones,but every syllable laden with annoyance andhostility.Rebuttal. “I was ready a half-hour ago.You’re the one who had to finish reading thepaper ...”And on it went. It didn’t stop. Like the Greekdramatist Euripides said, “Marry, and it may gowell. But when a marriage fails, then those who

marry live at home in hell.”The argument, rapidly escalating, put a quickend to our lamentations about the single life. Myfriend merely rolled his eyes and, quoting a linefrom Seinfeld, said, “Oh yeah! I want to getmarried real soon!”Only moments before, I had every intention ofstarting our session by soliciting the Dalai Lama’sopinion about the joys and virtues of romanceand marriage. Instead, I entered his hotel suiteand almost before sitting down, asked, “Why doyou suppose that conflicts seem to arise so oftenin marriages?”“When dealing with conflicts, of course it can

e quite complex,” the Dalai Lama explained.“There can be many factors involved. So, whenwe are dealing with trying to understandrelationship problems, the first stage in thisprocess involves deliberately reflecting on theunderlying nature and basis of thatrelationship.“So, first of all, one has to recognize that thereare different types of relationships andunderstand the differences between them. Forexample, leaving aside the issue of marriage for amoment, even within ordinary friendships we canrecognize that there are different types offriendships. Some friendships are based onwealth, power, or position. In these cases yourfriendship continues as long as your power,wealth, or position is sustained. Once thesegrounds are no longer there, then the friendship

will also begin to disappear. On the other hand,there is another kind of friendship. Friendshipsthat are based not on considerations of wealth,power, and position but rather on true humanfeeling, a feeling of closeness in which there is asense of sharing and connectedness. This type offriendship is what I would call genuine friendshipbecause it would not be affected by the status ofthe individual’s wealth, position, or power,whether it is increasing or whether it is declining.The factor that sustains a genuine friendship is afeeling of affection. If you lack that, then youwon’t be able to sustain a genuine friendship. Ofcourse, we have mentioned this before and allthis is very obvious, but if you’re running intorelationship problems, it’s often very helpful tosimply stand back and reflect on the basis of thatrelationship.

“In the same way, if someone is running intoproblems with his or her spouse, it can be helpfulto look at the underlying basis of the relationship.For example, you often find relationships verymuch based on immediate sexual attraction.When a couple has just met, seen each other onjust a few occasions, they may be madly in loveand very happy,” he laughed, “but any decisionabout marriage made at that instant would bevery shaky. Just as one can become, in somesense, insane from the power of intense anger orhatred, it is also possible for an individual tobecome in some sense insane by the power ofpassion or lust. And sometimes you might evenfind situations where an individual could feel,‘Oh, my boyfriend or girlfriend is not really agood person, not a kind person, but still I feelattracted to him or her.’ So a relationship that is

ased on that initial attraction is very unreliable,very unstable, because it is very much based ontemporary phenomena. That feeling is very shortlived, so after some time, that will go.” Hesnapped his fingers. “So it shouldn’t be much of asurprise if that kind of relationship runs intotrouble, and a marriage based on that willeventually run into trouble ... But what do youthink?”“Yes, I’d have to agree with you on that,” Ianswered. “It seems that in any relationship, eventhe most ardent ones, the initial passion eventuallycools down. Some research has shown that thosewho regard the initial passion and romance asessential to their relationship may end updisillusioned or divorced. One socialpsychologist, Ellen Berscheid, at the University ofMinnesota I think, looked at that issue and

concluded that the failure to appreciate thelimited half-life of passionate love can doom arelationship. She and her colleagues felt that theincrease in divorce rates over the past twentyyears is partly linked to the increased importancepeople place on intense positive emotionalexperiences in their lives—experiences likeromantic love. But one problem is that thosetypes of experiences may be particularly difficultto sustain over time ...”“This seems very true,” he said. “So, whendealing with relationship problems you can seethe tremendous importance of examining andunderstanding the underlying nature of therelationship.“Now, while some relationships are based onimmediate sexual attraction, you can have othertypes of relationships, on the other hand, in which

the person in a cool state of mind will realize thatphysically speaking, in terms of appearance, myboyfriend or girlfriend may not be that attractivebut he or she is really a good person, a kind,gentle person. A relationship that is built on thatforms a kind of a bond that is more long lasting,because there is a kind of genuine communicationat a very human and personal level between thetwo ...”The Dalai Lama paused for a moment as ifmulling the issue over, then added, “Of course, Ishould make it clear that one can have a good,healthy relationship that includes sexual attractionas one component. So it seems, then, that therecan be two principal types of relationships basedon sexual attraction. One type is based on puresexual desire. In this case the motive or theimpetus behind the bond really is just temporary

satisfaction, immediate gratification. In that typeof relationship, individuals are relating to eachother not so much as people but rather asobjects. That type of relationship is not verysound. If the relationship is based only on sexualdesire, without a component of mutual respect,then the relationship becomes almost likeprostitution, in which neither side has respect forthe other. A relationship built primarily on sexualdesire is like a house built on a foundation of ice ;as soon as the ice melts, the building collapses.“However, there is a second type ofrelationship which is also based on sexualattraction, but in which the physical attraction isnot the predominant basis of the relationship. Inthis second type of relationship there is anunderlying appreciation of the value of the otherperson based on your feeling that the other

person is kind, nice, and gentle, and you accordrespect and dignity to that other individual. Anyrelationship that is based on that will be muchmore long lasting and reliable. It’s moreappropriate. And in order to establish that typeof relationship, it is crucial to spend enough timeto get to know each other in a genuine sense, toknow each other’s basic characteristics.“Therefore, when my friends ask me abouttheir marriage, I usually ask how long they’veknown each other. If they say a few months, thenI usually say, ‘Oh, this is too short.’ If they say afew years, then it seems to be better. Now theynot only know each other’s face or appearancebut, I think, the deeper nature of the other person...”“That’s kind of like Mark Twain’s quote that‘no man or woman really knows what perfect

love is until they have been married a quarter of acentury ...”The Dalai Lama nodded and continued, “Yes... So, I think many problems occur simplybecause of insufficient time to know each other.Anyway, I think that if one is seeking to builda truly satisfying relationship, the best way ofbringing this about is to get to know thedeeper nature of the person and relate to heror him on that level, instead of merely on thebasis of superficial characteristics . And in thistype of relationship there is a role for genuinecompassion.“Now, I’ve heard many people claim thattheir marriage has a deeper meaning than just asexual relationship, that marriage involves twopeople trying to bond their lives together, sharelife’s ups and downs together, share a certain

intimacy. If that claim is honest, then I believethat’s the proper basis on which a relationshipshould be built. A sound relationship shouldinclude a sense of responsibility and commitmenttowards each other. Of course, the physicalcontact, the appropriate or normal sexualrelationship between a couple, can provide acertain satisfaction that could have a calmingeffect on one’s mind. But, after all, biologicallyspeaking, the main purpose of a sexualrelationship is reproduction. And to successfullyachieve that, you need to have a sense ofcommitment towards the offspring, in order forthem to survive and thrive. So, developing acapacity for responsibility and commitment iscrucial. Without that, the relationship providesonly temporary satisfaction. It’s just for fun.” Helaughed, a laugh that seemed to be infused with

wonder at the vast scope of human behavior.

RELATIONSHIPS BASED ONROMANCEIt felt odd, speaking about sex and marriage to aman, now over sixty years old, who had beencelibate all his life. He didn’t seem averse totalking about these issues, but there was a certaindetachment to his comments.In thinking about our conversation later thatevening, it occurred to me that there was still oneimportant component of relationships that wehadn’t covered, and I was curious to learn of histake on the subject. I brought it up the followingday.“Yesterday we were discussing relationships

and the importance of basing a close relationshipor marriage on more than just sex,” I began.“But, in Western culture, it is not just the physicalsex act but the whole idea of romance—the ideaof falling in love, of being deeply in love withone’s partner—that is seen as a highly desirablething. In movies, literature, and popular culturethere’s a kind of exaltation of this kind ofromantic love. What’s your view of this?”Without hesitation, the Dalai Lama said, “Ithink that, leaving aside how the endless pursuitof romantic love may affect our deeper spiritualgrowth, even from the perspective of aconventional way of life, the idealization of thisromantic love can be seen as an extreme. Unlikethose relationships based on caring and genuineaffection, this is another matter. It cannot be seenas a positive thing,” he said decisively. “It’s

something that is based on fantasy, unattainable,and therefore may be a source of frustration. So,on that basis it cannot be seen as a positivething.”There was a finality to the Dalai Lama’s tonewhich conveyed that he had nothing more to sayon the subject. In view of the tremendousemphasis our society places on romance, I feltthat he was dismissing the lure of romantic lovetoo lightly. Given the Dalai Lama’s monasticupbringing, I supposed that he didn’t fullyappreciate the joys of romance, and questioninghim further about issues related to romancewould be as helpful as asking him to come out tothe parking lot to take a look at a problem I washaving with my car’s transmission. Mildlydisappointed, I fumbled with my notes for severalmoments and passed on to other topics.

What is it that makes romance so appealing? Inlooking at this question, one finds that Eros—romantic, sexual, passionate love—the ultimateecstasy, is a potent cocktail of cultural, biological,and psychological ingredients. In Westernculture, the idea of romantic love has flourishedover the past two hundred years under theinfluence of Romanticism, a movement which hasdone much to shape our perception of the world.Romanticism grew up as a rejection of theprevious Age of Enlightenment, with its emphasison human reason. The new movement exaltedintuition, emotion, feeling, and passion. Itemphasized the importance of the sensory world,

the subjective experience of the individual, andtended toward the world of imagination, offantasy, the search for a world that is not—anidealized past or utopian future. This idea has hadprofound impact not only in art and literature butalso in politics and all aspects of the developmentof modern Western culture.The most compelling element of our pursuit ofromance is the feeling of falling in love. Powerfulforces are at work driving us to seek this feeling,much more than simply the glorification ofromantic love which we pick up from our culture.Many researchers feel that these forces areprogrammed into our genes from birth. Thefeeling of falling in love, invariably mixed with asense of sexual attraction, may be a geneticallydetermined instinctual component of matingbehavior. From an evolutionary perspective, the

number-one job of the organism is to survive,reproduce, and assure continued survival of thespecies. It is in the best interest of the species,therefore, if we are programmed to fall in love ; itcertainly increases the odds that we will mate andreproduce. Thus, we have built-in mechanisms tohelp make that happen; in response to certainstimuli, our brains manufacture and pump outchemicals that create a euphoric feeling, the“high” associated with falling in love. And whileour brains are marinading in those chemicals, thatfeeling so overwhelms us at times that everythingelse seems to be blocked out.The psychological forces driving us to seekthe feeling of being in love are as compelling asthe biological forces. In Plato’s Symposium,Socrates tells the story of the myth ofAristophanes, concerning the origin of sexual

love. According to this myth, the originalinhabitants of Earth were round creatures withfour hands and four feet and with their back andsides forming a circle. These self-sufficientsexless beings were very arrogant and repeatedlyattacked the gods. To punish them, Zeus hurledthunderbolts at them and split them apart. Eachcreature was now two, each half longing tomerge with its other half.Eros, the drive toward passionate, romanticlove, can be seen as this ancient desire for fusionwith the other half. It seems to be a universal,unconscious human need. The feeling involves asensation of merging with the other, ofboundaries breaking down, of becoming one withthe loved one. Psychologists call this the collapseof ego boundaries. Some feel that this process isrooted in our earliest experience, an unconscious

attempt to re-create the experience we had asinfants, a primal state in which the child iscompletely merged with the parent or primarycaregiver.Evidence suggests that newborn infants do notdistinguish between themselves and the rest of theuniverse. They have no sense of personal identity,or at least their identity includes the mother,others, and all objects in their environment. Theydon’t know where they end and the “other”begins. They lack what is known as objectpermanence: objects have no independentexistence; if they are not interacting with anobject, it doesn’t exist. For example, if an infantis holding a rattle, the baby recognizes the rattleas part of herself or himself, and if the rattle istaken away and hidden from view, it ceases toexist.

At birth, the brain is not yet fully “hard wired,”but as the baby grows and the brain matures, thebaby’s interaction with the world becomes moresophisticated and the baby gradually gains asense of personal identity, of “me” as opposed to“other.” Along with this, a sense of isolationdevelops, and gradually the child develops anawareness of his or her own limitations. Theformation of identity, of course, continues todevelop throughout childhood and adolescenceas the child comes in contact with the world.People’s sense of who they are comes about asthe result of developing internal representations,formed in large part by reflections of their earlyinteractions with the important people in theirlives, and reflections of their role in society ingeneral. Gradually, the personal identity andintrapsychic structure become more complex.

But some part of us may still seek to regressto an earlier state of existence, a state of bliss inwhich there is no feeling of isolation, no feeling ofseparation. Many contemporary psychologistsfeel that the early “oneness” experience isincorporated into our subconscious mind, and asan adult it permeates our unconscious and privatefantasies. They believe that the merging with theloved one when one is “in love” echoes theexperience of being merged with the mother ininfancy. It re-creates that magic feeling, a feelingof omnipotence, as if all things are possible. Afeeling like that is hard to beat.It is no wonder then that the pursuit ofromantic love is so powerful. So what’s theproblem, and why does the Dalai Lama so easilyassert that the pursuit of romance is a negativething?

I considered the problem of basing arelationship on romantic love, of taking refuge inromance as a source of happiness. A formerpatient, David, came to mind. David, a thirtyfour-year-oldlandscape architect, initiallypresented to my office with classic symptoms ofa severe clinical depression. He explained that hisdepression may have been triggered by someminor work-related stresses, but “mostly it justkinda came on.” We discussed the option of anantidepressant medication, which he was in favorof, and we instituted a trial of a standardantidepressant. The medication proved to bevery effective, and within three weeks his acutesymptoms improved and he was back to hisnormal routine. In exploring his history, however,it didn’t take long to realize that in addition to hisacute depression, he also suffered from

dysthymia, a more insidious form of chronic lowgradedepression that had been present for manyyears. After he recovered from his acutedepression, we began to explore his personalhistory, laying a foundation that would help usunderstand the internal psychological dynamicsthat may have contributed to his many-yearhistory of dysthymia.After only a few sessions, David entered theoffice one day in a jubilant mood. “I feel great!”he declared. “I haven’t felt this good in years!”My reaction to this wonderful news was toimmediately assess him for the possibility of ashift into a manic phase of a mood disorder. Thatwasn’t the case, however.“I’m in love!” he told me. “I met her last weekat a site that I’m bidding on. She’s the mostbeautiful girl that I’ve ever seen ... We’ve gone

out almost every night this week, and, I dunno,it’s like we’re soul mates—perfect for eachother. I just can’t believe it! I haven’t dated forthe past two or three years, and I was getting tothe point that I thought I’d never meet anyone ;then all of a sudden there she was.”David spent most of that session cataloging allthe remarkable virtues of his new girlfriend. “Ithink we’re perfect for each other in every way.It’s not just a sexual thing either ; we’re interestedin the same things, and it’s frightening how muchwe think alike. Of course, I’m being realistic, andI realize that no one is perfect ... Like the othernight it bothered me a bit because I thought shewas flirting a little with some guys at a club wewere at ... but we both had been drinking a lotand she was just having fun. We discussed itafterward and worked it out.”

David returned the following week to informme that he had decided to quit therapy.“Everything is going so great in my life, I justcan’t see what there is to talk about in therapy,”he explained. “My depression is gone, I’msleeping like a baby, I’m back at work doingreally well, and I’m in a great relationship that justseems to be getting better and better. I think I’vegotten something from our sessions, but right nowI just can’t see spending money for therapy whenthere’s nothin’ to work on.”I told him I was happy he was doing so wellbut reminded him about some of the family issuesthat we had begun to identify that may have ledto his history of chronic dysthymia. All the while,common psychiatric terms like “resistance” and“defenses” began to surface in my mind.He wasn’t convinced. “Well, those may be

things that I might want to look at someday,” hesaid, “but I really think that it just had a lot to dowith loneliness, a feeling that there was someonemissing, a special person that I could share thingswith, and now I’ve found her.”He was adamant in his desire to end therapythat day. We made arrangements for his familyphysician to follow up on his medication regimen,spent the session in review and closure, and Iended by assuring him that my door was open atany time.Several months later, David returned to myoffice:“I’ve been miserable,” he said with a dejectedtone. “Last time I saw you, things were going sogreat. I really thought that I had found my idealmate. I even brought up the subject of marriage.But it seemed that the closer I wanted to

ecome, the more she pulled away. She finallybroke up with me. I got really depressed againfor a couple of weeks after that. I even startedcalling her and hanging up just to hear her voice,and driving by her work just to see if her car wasthere. After about a month I got sick of doingthat—it was just so ridiculous—and at least mysymptoms of depression got better. I mean I’meating and sleeping fine, still doing well at work,and I have plenty of energy and all, but it stillfeels as if part of me is missing. It’s like I’m backat square one, feeling just the same as I have foryears ...”We resumed therapy.

It seems clear that as a source of happiness,romance leaves a lot to be desired. And perhapsthe Dalai Lama was not far off the mark inrejecting the notion of romance as a basis for arelationship and in describing romance as merely“a fantasy ... unattainable,” something not worthyof our efforts. On closer examination, perhaps hewas objectively describing the nature of romancerather than providing a negative value judgmentcolored by his years of training as a monk. Evenan objective reference source such as thedictionary, which contains well over a dozendefinitions of “romance” and “romantic,” isliberally peppered with phrases such as “afictitious tale,” “an exaggeration,” “a falsehood,”“fanciful or imaginative,” “not practical,” “withouta basis in fact,” “characteristic of or preoccupiedwith idealized lovemaking or courting,” and so

on. It is apparent that somewhere along the roadof Western civilization a change has taken place.The ancient concept of Eros, with the underlyingsense of becoming one, of fusion with another,has taken on new meaning. Romance hasacquired an artificial quality, with flavors offraudulence and deception, the quality that hadled Oscar Wilde to bleakly observe, “When oneis in love, one always begins by deceivingoneself, and one always ends up by deceivingothers. That is what the world calls a romance.”Earlier, we explored the role of closeness andintimacy as an important component of humanhappiness. There’s no doubt of this. But if one islooking for lasting satisfaction in a relationship,the foundation of that relationship must be solid.It is for this reason that the Dalai Lamaencourages us to examine the underlying basis of

a relationship, should we find ourselves in arelationship that is going sour. Sexual attraction,or even the intense feeling of falling in love, mayplay a role in forming an initial bond between twopeople, to draw them together, but like a goodepoxy glue, that initial bonding agent needs to bemixed with other ingredients before it will hardeninto a lasting bond. In identifying these otheringredients, we turn once again to the DalaiLama’s approach to building a strong relationship—bas—ing our relationship on the qualities ofaffection, compassion, and mutual respect ashuman beings. Basing a relationship on thesequalities enables us to achieve a deep andmeaningful bond not only with our lover orspouse but also with friends, acquaintances, orstrangers—virtually any human being. It opens upunlimited possibilities and opportunities for

connection.

Chapter 7THE VALUE AND BENEFITS OFCOMPASSION

DEFINING COMPASSIONAs our conversations progressed, I discoveredthat the devel- A opment of compassion plays afar greater role in the Dalai Lama’s life thansimply a means to cultivating a feeling of warmthand affection, a means of improving ourrelationship with others. It became clear, in fact,that as a practicing Buddhist, the development ofcompassion was an integral part of his spiritualpath.“Given the importance that Buddhism placeson compassion as an essential part of one’sspiritual development,” I asked, “can you moreclearly define what you mean by ‘compassion’?”The Dalai Lama replied, “Compassion can be

oughly defined in terms of a state of mind that isnonviolent, nonharming, and nonaggressive. It is amental attitude based on the wish for others to befree of their suffering and is associated with asense of commitment, responsibility, and respecttowards the other.“In discussing the definition of compassion,the Tibetan word Tse-wa, there is also a sense tothe word of its being a state of mind that caninclude a wish for good things for oneself. Indeveloping compassion, perhaps one could beginwith the wish that oneself be free of suffering, andthen take that natural feeling towards oneself andcultivate it, enhance it, and extend it out o includeand embrace others.“Now, when people speak of compassion, Ithink that there is often a danger of confusingcompassion with attachment. So when we

discuss compassion, we must first make adistinction between two types of love orcompassion. One kind of compassion is tingedwith attachment—the feeling of controllingsomeone, or loving someone so that person willlove you back. This ordinary type of love orcompassion is quite partial and biased. And arelationship based on that alone is unstable. Thatkind of partial relationship, based on perceivingand identifying the person as a friend, may lead toa certain emotional attachment and feeling ofcloseness. But if there is a slight change in thesituation, a disagreement perhaps, or if yourfriend does something to make you angry, then allof a sudden your mental projection changes ; theconcept of‘my friend’ is no longer there. Thenyou’ll find the emotional attachment evaporating,and instead of that feeling of love and concern,

you may have a feeling of hatred. So, that kind oflove, based on attachment, can be closely linkedwith hatred.“But there is a second type of compassionthat is free from such attachment. That is genuinecompassion. That kind of compassion isn’t somuch based on the fact that this person or thatperson is dear to me. Rather, genuinecompassion is based on the rationale that allhuman beings have an innate desire to be happyand overcome suffering, just like myself. And,just like myself, they have the natural right to fulfillthis fundamental aspiration. On the basis of therecognition of this equality and commonality, youdevelop a sense of affinity and closeness withothers. With this as a foundation, you can feelcompassion regardless of whether you view theother person as a friend or an enemy. It is based

on the other’s fundamental rights rather than yourown mental projection. Upon this basis, then, youwill generate love and compassion. That’sgenuine compassion.“So, one can see how making the distinctionbetween these two kinds of compassion andcultivating genuine compassion can be quiteimportant in our day-to-day life. For instance, inmarriage there is generally a component ofemotional attachment. But I think that if there is acomponent of genuine compassion as well, basedon mutual respect as two human beings, themarriage tends to last a long time. In the case ofemotional attachment without compassion, themarriage is more unstable and tends to end morequickly.”The idea of developing a different kind ofcompassion, a more universal compassion, a kind

of generic compassion divorced from personalfeeling, seemed like a tall order. Turning it over inmy mind, as if thinking aloud, I asked, “But loveor compassion is a subjective feeling. It seemsthat the emotional tone or feeling of love orcompassion would be the same whether it was‘tinged with attachment’ or ’genuine.‘ So if theperson would experience the same emotion orfeeling in both types, why is it important todistinguish between the two?”With a decisive tone, the Dalai Lamaanswered, “First, I think that there is a differentquality between the feeling of genuine love, orcompassion, and love based on attachment. It’snot the same feeling. The feeling of genuinecompassion is much stronger, much wider ; it hasa very profound quality. Also, genuine love andcompassion are much more stable, more reliable.

For example, if you see an animal intenselysuffering, like a fish writhing with a hook in itsmouth, you might spontaneously experience afeeling of not being able to bear its pain. Thatfeeling isn’t based on a special connection withthat particular animal, a feeling of‘Oh, that animalis my friend.’ In that case you’re basing yourcompassion simply on the fact that that being alsohas feeling, can experience pain, and has a rightnot to experience such pain. So, that type ofcompassion, not mixed with desire or attachment,is much more sound, and more durable in thelong run.”Moving deeper into the subject ofcompassion, I continued, “Now in your exampleof seeing a fish intensely suffering with a hook inits mouth, you bring up a vital point—that it isassociated with a feeling of not being able to bear

its pain.”“Yes,” said the Dalai Lama. “In fact, in onesense one could define compassion as the feelingof unbearableness at the sight of other people’ssuffering, other sentient being’s suffering. And inorder to generate that feeling one must first havean appreciation of the seriousness or intensity ofanother’s suffering. So, I think that the more fullyone understands suffering, and the various kindsof suffering that we are subject to, the deeper willbe one’s level of compassion.”I raised the question, “Well, I appreciate thefact that greater awareness of other’s sufferingcan enhance our capacity for compassion. Infact, by definition, compassion involves openingoneself to another’s suffering. Sharing another’ssuffering. But there’s a more basic question: Whywould we want to take on another’s suffering

when we don’t even want our own? I mean,most of us go to great lengths to avoid our ownpain and suffering, even to the point of takingdrugs and so on. Why would we thendeliberately take on someone else’s suffering?”Without hesitation the Dalai Lama responded,“I feel that there is a significant differencebetween your own suffering and the suffering youmight experience in a compassionate state inwhich you take upon yourself and share otherpeople’s suffering—a qualitative difference.” Hepaused, and then as if effortlessly targeting myown feelings at the moment, he continued, “Whenyou think about your own suffering, there is afeeling of being totally overwhelmed. There is asense of being burdened, of being pressed undersomething—a feeling of helplessness. There’s adullness, almost as if your faculties have become

numb.“Now, in generating compassion, when youare taking on another’s suffering, you may alsoinitially experience a certain degree of discomfort,a sense of uncomfortableness or unbearableness.But in the case of compassion, the feeling is muchdifferent; underlying the uncomfortable feeling is avery high level of alertness and determinationbecause you are voluntarily and deliberatelyaccepting another’s suffering for a higherpurpose. There is a feeling of connectedness andcommitment, a willingness to reach out to others,a feeling of freshness rather than dullness. This issimilar to the case of an athlete. While undergoingrigorous training, an athlete may suffer a lot—working out, sweating, straining. I think it can bequite a painful and exhausting experience. But theathlete doesn’t see it as a painful experience. The

athlete would take it as a great accomplishment,an experience associated with a sense of joy. Butif the same person were subject to some otherphysical work that was not part of his athletictraining, then the athlete would think, ‘Oh, whyhave I been subjected to this terrible ordeal?’ Sothe mental attitude makes a tremendousdifference.”These few words, spoken with suchconviction, lifted me from an oppressed feeling toone of a feeling of the possibility of the resolutionof suffering, of transcending suffering.“You mention that the first step in generatingthat kind of compassion is an appreciation ofsuffering. But are there any other specificBuddhist techniques used to enhance one’scompassion?”“Yes. For example in the Mahayana tradition

of Buddhism we find two principal techniques forcultivating compassion. These are known asthe‘seven-point cause-and-effect’ method andthe ’exchange and equality of oneself withothers.‘ The ’exchange-and-equality’ method isthe technique that you’ll find in the eighth chapterof Shantideva’s Guide to the Bodhisattuas Wayof Life. But,” he said, glancing at his watch andrealizing that our time was running out, “I thinkthat we will practice some exercises ormeditations on compassion during the public talkslater this week.”With this, he smiled warmly and rose to endour session.

THE REAL VATUE OF HUMANLIFEContinuing our discussion of compassion inour next conversation, I began, “Now, we’vebeen speaking about the importance ofcompassion, about your belief that humanaffection, warmth, friendship, and so on areconditions absolutely necessary for happiness.But I’m just wondering—suppose, let’s say, awealthy businessman came to you and said,‘Your Holiness, you say that warmth andcompassion are crucial for one to be happy. Butby nature I’m just not a very warm oraffectionate person. To be honest I really don’t

feel particularly compassionate or altruistic. I tendto be a rather rational, practical, and perhapsintellectual person, and I just don’t feel thosekinds of emotions. Yet, I feel good about my life,I feel happy with my life the way it is. I have avery successful business, friends, and I providefor my wife and children and seem to have agood relationship with them. I just don’t feel thatanything is missing. Developing compassion,altruism, warmth, and so on sounds nice, but forme, what’s the point? It just seems so sentimental...”’“First of all,” the Dalai Lama replied, “if aperson said that, I would still have doubtswhether that person was really happy deepdown. I truly believe that compassion providesthe basis of human survival, the real value ofhuman life, and without that there is a basic piece

missing. A deep sensitivity to other’s feelings isan element of love and compassion, and withoutthat, for example, I think there would beproblems in the man’s ability to relate with hiswife. If the person really had that attitude ofindifference to other’s suffering and feelings, theneven if he was a billionaire, had a goodeducation, had no problems with his family orchildren, and was surrounded with friends, otherrich businesspeople, politicians, and leaders ofnations, I think that in spite of all these things thatthe effect of all these positive things would justremain on the surface.“But if he continued to maintain that he didn’tfeel compassion, yet he didn’t feel anythingmissing ... then it might be a little bit difficult tohelp him understand the importance ofcompassion ...”

The Dalai Lama stopped speaking for amoment to reflect. His intermittent pauses, whichoccurred throughout our conversations, did notseem to create an awkward silence ; rather, theywere like a gravitational force, gathering greaterweight and meaning to his words when theconversation resumed.Finally, he continued, “Still, even if that wasthe case, there are several things that I couldpoint out. First, I might suggest that he reflect onhis own experience. He can see that if someonetreats him with compassion and affection, then itmakes him feel happy. So, on the basis of thatexperience, it would help him realize that otherpeople also feel good when they are shownwarmth and compassion. Therefore, recognizingthis fact might make him more respectful of otherpeople’s emotional sensitivity and make him

more inclined to give them compassion andwarmth. At the same time he would discover thatthe more you give others warmth, the morewarmth you receive. I don’t think that it wouldtake him very long to realize that. And as a result,this becomes the basis of mutual trust andfriendship.“Now suppose this man had all these materialfacilities, was successful in life, surrounded byfriends, financially secure, and so on. I think it iseven possible that his family and children mightrelate to him and experience a kind ofcontentment because the man is successful andthey have plenty of money and a comfortable life.I think that it is conceivable that up to a certainpoint, even without feeling human warmth andaffection, he may not experience a feeling oflacking something. But if he felt that everything

was OK, that there was no real requirement fordeveloping compassion, I would suggest that thisview is due to ignorance and shortsightedness.Even if it appeared that others were relating tohim quite fully, in reality what is happening is thatmuch of the people’s relationship or interactionwith him is based on theirperception ofhim as asuccessful, wealthy resource. They may beinfluenced by his wealth and power and relate tothat rather than to the person himself. So in somesense, although they may not receive humanwarmth and affection from him, they may becontented ; they may not expect more. But whathappens is if his fortune declined, then that basisof the relationship would weaken. Then he wouldbegin to see the effect of not having warmth andimmediately begin to suffer.“However, if people have compassion,

naturally that’s something they can count on ; evenif they have economic problems and their fortunedeclines, they still have something to share withfellow human beings. World economies arealways so tenuous and we are subject to so manylosses in life, but a compassionate attitude issomething that we can always carry with us.”A maroon-robed attendant entered the roomand silently poured tea, as the Dalai Lamacontinued, “Of course, in attempting to explain tosomeone the importance of compassion, in somecases, you might be dealing with a veryhardened, individualistic, and selfish person,someone concerned only with her or his owninterests. And it is even possible that there arepeople who may not have the capacity toempathize with even someone whom they love orwho may be close to them. But even to such

people, it is still possible to present theimportance of compassion and love on thegrounds that it’s the best way to fulfill their selfinterests.They wish to have good health, live alonger life, and have peace of mind, happiness,and joy. And if these are things that they desire,I’ve heard that there is even scientific evidencethat these things can be enhanced by feelings oflove and compassion ... But as a doctor, apsychiatrist, perhaps you would know betterabout these scientific claims?”“Yes,” I agreed. “I think there is definitelysupporting scientific evidence to back up theclaims about the physical and emotional benefitsof compassionate states of mind.”“So I think that educating someone aboutthese facts and scientific studies couldcertainlyencourage some people to cultivate a more

compassionate state of mind ... ,” the Dalai Lamacommented. “But I think that even aside fromthese scientific studies, there are other argumentsthat people could understand and appreciatefrom their own practical or direct everydayexperience. For example, you could point outthat lack of compassion leads to a certainruthlessness. There are many examples indicatingthat at some level deep down, ruthless peoplegenerally suffer from a kind of unhappiness anddiscontent, people like Stalin and Hitler. Suchpeople suffer from a kind of nagging sense ofinsecurity and fear. Even when they are sleeping Ithink that sense of fear remains ... All that mightbe very difficult for some people to understand,but one thing you could say is that these peoplelack something that you can find in a morecompassionate person—a sense of freedom, a

sense of abandonment, so when you sleep youcan relax and let go. Ruthless people never havethat experience. Something is always grippingthem ; there is some kind of hold on them, andthey aren’t able to experience that feeling ofletting go, that sense of freedom.”He paused for a moment, absently scratchinghis head, then continued, “Although I’m justspeculating, I would guess that if you asked someof these ruthless people, ‘When were youhappier, during your childhood, when you werebeing cared for by your mother and had more ofa closeness with your family, or now, when youhave more power, influence and position?’ I thinkthey would say that their youth was morepleasant. I think even Stalin was loved by hismother in childhood.”“In bringing up Stalin,” I observed, “I think

you’ve hit on a perfect example of what you’resaying, of the consequences of living withoutcompassion. It’s well known that the two mainfeatures that characterized his personality werehis ruthlessness and his suspiciousness. Heviewed ruthlessness as a virtue, in fact, andchanged his name from Djugashvili to Stalin,meaning ‘man of steel.’ And as his lifeprogressed, the more ruthless he became, themore suspicious he became. His suspiciousnesswas legendary. His fearfulness andsuspiciousness of others eventually led to massivepurges and campaigns against various groups ofpeople in his country, resulting in theimprisonment and execution of millions. But hestill continued to see enemies everywhere. Notlong before his death he told Nikita Khrushchev,‘I trust no one, not even myself.’ In the end he

even turned on his most faithful staff. And clearlythe more ruthless and powerful he became, themore unhappy he was. One friend said that finallythe only human trait he had left was hisunhappiness. And his daughter Svetlanadescribed how he was plagued by loneliness andan emptiness inside and got to the point that heno longer believed that people were capable ofbeing genuinely sincere or warmhearted.“Anyway, I know it would be very difficult tounderstand people like Stalin and why they didthe horrible things that they did. But one of thepoints that we’re talking about is that even theseextreme examples of ruthless people might lookback with nostalgia on some of the more pleasantaspects of their childhood, such as the love theyreceived from their mothers. But where does thatleave the many people who didn’t have pleasant

childhoods or loving mothers? People who wereabused and so on? Now, we are discussing thetopic of compassion. In order for people todevelop the capacity for compassion, don’t youthink that it’s necessary for them to be raised byparents or care-takers who showed them warmthand affection?”“Yes, I think that’s important.” He paused,deftly and automatically rotating his rosarybetween his fingers as he reflected. “There aresome people who, right from the beginning, havesuffered much and have lacked other’s affection—so that later in life it seems almost as if theyhave no human feeling, no capacity forcompassion and affection, those who arehardened and brutal....” The Dalai Lama pausedagain, and for several moments seemed toponder the question earnestly. As he bent over

his tea, even the contour of his shoulderssuggested that he was deep in thought. Heshowed no inclination to continue immediately,however, and we drank our tea in silence. Finallyhe shrugged his shoulders, as if acknowledgingthat he had no solution.“So do you think that techniques to enhanceempathy and develop compassion would not behelpful to people with that sort of difficultbackground?”“There are always different degrees of benefitthat one might receive from practicing variousmethods and techniques, depending on one’sparticular circumstances,” he explained. “It’s alsopossible that in some cases these techniques maynot be effective at all ...”Trying to clarify, I interrupted, “And thespecific techniques to enhance compassion that

you’re referring to are ... ?”“Just what we have been talking about. First,through learning, thoroughly understanding thevalue of compassion—this gives you a feeling ofconviction and determination. Then, employingmethods to enhance empathy, such as using yourimagination, your creativity, to visualize yourselfin another’s situation. And later this week in thepublic talks we’ll discuss certain exercises orpractices that you can undertake, such as thepractice of Tong-Len, that serves to strengthenyour compassion. But I think it’s important toremember that these techniques, such as thepractice of Tong-Len, were developed to help asmany as possible, at least some portion of thehuman population. But it was never expected thatthese techniques could help 100 percent ofpeople, the entire human population.

“But the main point really ... if we are talkingabout various methods to develop compassion—the important thing is that people make a sincereeffort to develop their capacity for compassion.The degree to which they will actually be able tocultivate compassion depends on so manyvariables, who can tell? But if they make theirbest efforts to be kinder, to cultivate compassionand make the world a better place, then at theend of the day they can say, ‘At least I’ve donemy best!’”

THE BENEFITS OF COMPASSIONIn recent years there have been many studies thatsupport the idea that developing compassion andaltruism has a positive impact on our physical andemotional health. In one well-known experiment,for example, David McClelland, a psychologist atHarvard University, showed a group of studentsa film of Mother Teresa working amongCalcutta’s sick and poor. The students reportedthat the film stimulated feelings of compassion.Afterward, he analyzed the students’ saliva andfound an increase in immunoglobulin-A, anantibody that can help fight respiratory infections.In another study done by James House at theUniversity of Michigan Research Center,

investigators found that doing regular volunteerwork, interacting with others in a warm andcompassionate way, dramatically increased lifeexpectancy, and probably overall vitality as well.Many other researchers in the new field of mindbodymedicine have demonstrated similarfindings, documenting that positive states of mindcan improve our physical health.In addition to the beneficial effects on one’sphysical health, there is evidence that compassionand caring behavior contribute to good emotionalhealth. Studies have shown that reaching out tohelp others can induce a feeling of happiness, acalmer mind, and less depression. In a thirty-yearstudy of a group of Harvard graduates,researcher George Vaillant concluded, in fact,that adopting an altruistic lifestyle is a criticalcomponent of good mental health. Another

survey by Allan Luks, conducted with severalthousand people who were regularly involved involunteer activities that helped others, revealedthat over 90 percent of these volunteers reporteda kind of “high” associated with the activity,characterized by a feeling of warmth, moreenergy, and a kind of euphoria. They also had adistinct feeling of calmness and enhanced selfworthfollowing the activity. Not only did thesecaring behaviors provide an interaction that wasemotionally nourishing, but it was also found thatthis “helper’s calm” was linked to relief from avariety of stress-related physical disorders aswell.While the scientific evidence clearly backs upthe Dalai Lama’s position on the very real andpractical value of compassion, one needn’t relysolely on experiments and surveys to confirm the

truth of this view. We can discover the close linksbetween caring, compassion, and personalhappiness in our own lives and in the lives ofthose around us. Joseph, a sixty-year-oldbuilding contractor whom I first met some yearsago, serves as a good illustration of this. Forthirty years Joseph rode the gravy train,capitalizing on a seemingly limitless constructionboom in Arizona to become a multimillionaire. Inthe late 1980s, however, came the biggest realestate crash in Arizona’s history. Joseph washeavily leveraged and lost everything. He endedup declaring bankruptcy. His financial problemscreated a strain on his marriage, which finallyresulted in a divorce after twenty-five years ofmarriage. Not surprisingly, Joseph didn’t take allthis very well. He started drinking heavily.Fortunately, he was able to eventually quit

drinking with the help of AA. As part of his AAprogram he became a sponsor and helped otheralcoholics stay sober. He discovered that heenjoyed his role as a sponsor, reaching out tohelp others, and started volunteering in otherorganizations as well. He put his businessknowledge to use in helping the economicallyunderprivileged. In talking about his current life,Joseph said, “I own a very small remodelingbusiness now. It brings a modest income, but Irealize that I’ll never be as rich as I once was.The funny thing is, though, that I don’t really wantthat kind of money again. I much prefer spendingmy time volunteering for different groups,working directly with people, helping them outthe best I can. These days, I get more pureenjoyment out of one day than I did in a monthwhen I was makin’ the big money. I’m happier

than I’ve ever been in my life!”

MEDITATION ON COMPASSIONAs promised during the course of ourconversations, true to his word, the Dalai Lamaconcluded one public talk in Arizona with ameditation on compassion. It was a simpleexercise. Yet in a powerful and elegant way, heseemed to summarize and crystallize his previousdiscussion of compassion, turning it into a formalfive-minute exercise that was direct and to thepoint.“In generating compassion, you start byrecognizing that you do not want suffering and

that you have a right to have happiness. This canbe verified or validated by your own experience.You then recognize that other people, just likeyourself, also do not want to suffer and that theyhave a right to have happiness. So this becomesthe basis of your beginning to generatecompassion.“So ... let us meditate on compassion today.Begin by visualizing a person who is acutelysuffering, someone who is in pain or is in a veryunfortunate situation. For the first three minutes ofthe meditation, reflect on that individual’ssuffering in a more analytic way—think abouttheir intense suffering and the unfortunate state ofthat person’s existence. After thinking about thatperson’s suffering for a few minutes, next, try torelate that to yourself, thinking, ‘that individualhas the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy,

happiness, and suffering that I do.’ Then, try toallow your natural response to arise—a natural,feeling of compassion towards that person. Tryto arrive at a conclusion: thinking how stronglyyou wish for that person to be free from thatsuffering. And resolve that you will help thatperson to be relieved from their suffering. Finally,place your mind single-pointedly on that kind ofconclusion or resolution, and for the last fewminutes of the meditation try to simply generateyour mind in a compassionate or loving state.”With that, the Dalai Lama assumed a crossleggedmeditation posture, remaining completelyimmobile as he practiced the meditation alongwith the audience. Stark silence. But there wassomething quite stirring about sitting among the

assembly that morning. I imagine that even themost-hardened individual could not help beingmoved when surrounded by fifteen hundredpeople, every one of them holding the thought ofcompassion in their minds. After a few minutes,the Dalai Lama broke into a low Tibetan chant,his voice deep, melodic, gently breaking andfalling in tones that soothed, comforted.

Part IIITRANSFORMING SUFFERING

Chapter 8FACING SUFFERINGIn the time of the Buddha, a womannamed Kisagotami suffered the death ofher only child. Unable to accept it, she ran

from person to person, seeking a medicineto restore her child to life. The Buddhawas said to have such a medicine.Kisagotami went to the Buddha, paidhomage, and asked, “Can you make amedicine that will restore my child?”“I know of such a medicine,” theBuddha replied. “But in order to make it, Imust have certain ingredients.”Relieved, the woman asked, “Whatingredients do you require?”“Bring me a handful of mustard seed,”said the Buddha.The woman promised to procure it forhim, but as she was leaving, he added, “Irequire the mustard seed be taken from ahousehold where no child, spouse, parent,or servant has died.”

The woman agreed and began goingfrom house to house in search of themustard seed. At each house the peopleagreed to give her the seed, but when sheasked them if anyone had died in thathousehold, she could find no home wheredeath had not visited—in one house adaughter, in another a servant, in others ahusband or parent had died. Kisagotamiwas not able to find a home free from thesuffering of death. Seeing she was notalone in her grief, the mother let go of herchild’s lifeless body and returned to theBuddha, who said with great compassion,“You thought that you alone had lost ason ; the law of death is that among allliving creatures there is no permanence.”

Kisagotami’s search taught her that no one livesfree from suffering and loss. She hadn’t beensingled out for this terrible misfortune. This insightdidn’t eliminate the inevitable suffering that comesfrom loss, but it did reduce the suffering thatcame from struggling against this sad fact of life.Although pain and suffering are universalhuman phenomena, that doesn’t mean we havean easy time accepting them. Human beings havedevised a vast repertoire of strategies foravoiding having to experience suffering.Sometimes we use external means, such aschemicals—deadening and medicating ouremotional pain with drugs or alcohol. We have anarray of internal mechanisms as well—psychological defenses, often unconscious, thatbuffer us from feeling too much emotional painand anguish when we are confronted with

problems. Sometimes these defense mechanismscan be quite primitive, such as simply refusing torecognize that a problem exists. At other times,we may vaguely recognize that we have aproblem but immerse ourselves in a milliondistractions or entertainments to avoid thinkingabout it. Or we might use projection—unable toaccept that we have a problem, weunconsciously projectitonto others and blamethem for our suffering: “Yeah, I’m miserable. Butit’s not me that has the problem; it’s someoneelse who has the problem. If it wasn’t for thatdamn boss constantly giving me a hard time [or”my partner ignoring me“ or ... ], I’d be fine.”Suffering can only be avoided temporarily.But like a disease that’s left untreated (orperhaps superficially treated with medication thatjust masks the symptoms but doesn’t cure the

underlying condition), the disease invariablyfesters and worsens. The high from drugs oralcohol certainly eases our pain for a while, butwith continued use, the physical damage to ourbodies and the social damage to our lives cancause far more suffering than the diffusedissatisfaction or the acute emotional pain that ledus to these substances in the first place. Theinternal psychological defenses like denial orrepression may shield and protect us from feelingthe pain a bit longer, but it still doesn’t make thesuffering disappear.Randall lost his father to cancer a little over ayear ago. He was quite close to his father, and atthe time everyone was surprised by how well hewas taking the death. “Of course I’m sad,” heexplained in a stoic tone. “But really I’m fine. I’llmiss him, but life goes on. And anyway, I can’t

focus on missing him right now; I have to arrangethe funeral and take care of his estate for mymom ... But I’ll be fine,” he reassured everyone.One year later, however, shortly after theanniversary of his father’s death, Randall beganto spiral into a severe depression. He came tosee me and explained, “I just can’t understandwhat is causing this depression. Everything seemsto be going well right now. It can’t be the deathof my father ; he died over a year ago, and I’vealready come to terms with his death.” With verylittle therapy it became clear, however, that instruggling to keep a tight reign on his emotions, inorder to “be strong,” he had never fully dealt withhis feelings of loss and grief. These feelingscontinued to grow until finally manifesting as anoverpowering depression that he was forced todeal with.

In Randall’s case, his depression lifted ratherquickly as we focused on his pain and feelings ofloss, and he was able to fully confront andexperience his grief. Sometimes, however, ourunconscious strategies to avoid facing ourproblems are more deep-seated—deeplyingrained coping mechanisms that can becomeembedded in our personality and are hard toextract. Most of us know a friend, acquaintance,or family member, for example, who avoidsproblems by projecting onto others and blamingthem—accusing others of having faults that, infact, are his or her own. This certainly isn’t aneffective method of eliminating problems,however, and many of these individuals arecondemned to a lifetime of unhappiness as longas they continue in that pattern.

The Dalai Lama detailed his approach to humansuffering—an approach that ultimately includes abelief in the possibility of freedom from sufferingbut starts with accepting suffering as a natural factof human existence, and courageously facing ourproblems head-on.In our daily lives problems are bound to arise.The biggest problems in our lives are the onesthat we inevitably have to face, like old age,illness, and death. Trying to avoid our problemsor simply not thinking about them may providetemporary relief, but I think that there is a better

approach. If you directly confront your suffering,you will be in a better position to appreciate thedepth and nature of the problem. If you are in abattle, as long as you remain ignorant of thestatus and combat capability of your enemy, youwill be totally unprepared and paralyzed by fear.However, if you know the fighting capability ofyour opponents, what sort of weapons they haveand so on, then you’re in a much better positionwhen you engage in the war. In the same way, ifyou confront your problems rather than avoidthem, you will be in a better position to deal withthem.“This approach to one’s problems was clearlyreasonable, but pressing the issue a bit further, Iasked, “Yes, but what if you directly confront aproblem, and find out that there’s no solution?That’s pretty tough to face.”

“But I think it’s still better to face it,” hereplied with a martial spirit. “For example, youmight consider things like old age and death asnegative, unwanted, and simply try to forgetabout them. But eventually these things will comeanyway. And if you’ve avoided thinking aboutthese things, when the day comes that any ofthese events occur, it will come as a shockcausing an unbearable mental uneasiness.However, if you spend some time thinking aboutold age, death, and these other unfortunatethings, your mind will be much more stable whenthese things happen as you have already becomeacquainted with these problems and kinds ofsuffering and have anticipated that they willoccur.“That’s why I believe it can be useful toprepare yourself ahead of time by familiarizing

yourself with the kinds of suffering you mightencounter. To use the battle analogy again,reflecting on suffering could be seen as a militaryexercise. People who never heard of war, guns,bombing, and so on might faint if they had to gointo battle. But through military drills you couldfamiliarize your mind with what might occur, so ifa war erupted, it would not be so hard on you.”“Well, I can see how familiarizing ourselveswith the kinds of suffering we might encounterwould have some value in reducing fear andapprehension, but it still seems that sometimescertain dilemmas present no option but thepossibility of suffering. How can we avoid worryin those circumstances?”“A dilemma such as?”I stopped to consider. “Well, let’s say, forexample, that a woman is pregnant and they do

an amniocentesis or sonogram and find out thatthe child will have a significant birth defect. Theydiscover that the child will have some extrememental or physical handicap. So, obviously thewoman is filled with anxiety because she doesn’tknow what to do. She can choose to dosomething about the situation and get an abortion,to save the baby from a life of suffering, but thenshe will experience a feeling of great loss andpain and perhaps she will also experience otherfeelings such as guilt. Or, she can choose to letnature take its course and have the baby. Butthen, she may be faced with a lifetime of hardshipand suffering for herself and the child.”The Dalai Lama listened intently as I spoke.With a somewhat wistful tone, he replied,“Whether one approaches these problems fromthe Western or the Buddhist perspective, these

kinds of dilemmas are very difficult, very difficult.Now your example regarding the decision toabort the fetus with a birth defect—nobody reallyknows what would be better in the long run.Even if a child is born with a defect, maybe in thelong run it would be better for the mother or thefamily or the child itself. But also there’s thepossibility that taking into account the long-termconsequences, it is better to abort ; maybe thatcould be more positive in the long run. But thenwho decides? It’s very difficult. Even from theBuddhist viewpoint, that sort of judgment isbeyond our rational ability.” He paused, thenadded, “I think, though, that their backgroundand beliefs would play a role in how particularindividuals might respond to this kind of difficultsituation ...”We sat in silence.

Shaking his head, he finally said, “Byreflecting on the types of sufferingthatwe aresubjectto, you can mentally prepare for thesethings ahead of time to some degree, byreminding yourself about the fact that you maycome across these kinds of dilemmatic situationsin your life. So you can prepare yourself mentally.But you should not forget the fact that this doesnot alleviate the situation. It may help youmentally cope with it, reduce the fear and so on,but it does not alleviate the problem itself. Forinstance, if a child with a birth defect is going tobe born, no matter how strongly you thoughtabout it ahead of time, you still have to find a wayto handle it. So this is still difficult.”As he said this there was a note of sadness inhis voice—more than a note, perhaps a chord.But the underlying melody was not one of

hopelessness. For a full minute, the Dalai Lamastopped speaking once again, gazing out thewindow as if looking out onto the world at large,then continued, “There’s really no avoiding thefact that suffering is part of life. And of course wehave a natural tendency to dislike our sufferingand problems. But I think that ordinarily peopledon’t view the very nature of our existence to becharacterized by suffering ...” The Dalai Lamasuddenly began to laugh, “I mean on yourbirthday people usually say, ‘Happy Birthday!,’when actually the day of your birth was the birthof your suffering. But nobody says, ‘HappyBirth-of-Sufferingday!” he joked.“In accepting that suffering is part of yourdaily existence, you could begin by examining thefactors that normally give rise to feelings ofdiscontent and mental unhappiness. Generally

speaking, for instance, you feel happy if you orpeople close to you receive praise, fame, fortune,and other pleasant things. And you feel unhappyand discontent if you don’t achieve these thingsor if your rival is receiving them. If you look atyour normal day-to day life, however, you oftenfind that there are so many factors and conditionsthat cause pain, suffering, and feelings ofdissatisfaction, whereas the conditions that giverise to joy and happiness are comparatively rare.This is something that we have to undergo,whether we like it or not. And since this is thereality of our existence, our attitude towardssuffering may need to be modified. Our attitudetowards suffering becomes very importantbecause it can affect how we cope withsuffering when it arises. Now, our usualattitude consists of an intense aversion and

intolerance of our pain and suffering. However,if we can transform our attitude towardssuffering, adopt an attitude that allows usgreater tolerance of it, then this can do muchto help counteract feelings of mentalunhappiness, dissatisfaction, and discontent.“For me personally, the strongest and mosteffective practice to help tolerate suffering is tosee and understand that suffering is the underlyingnature of Samsara, 4 of unenlightened exis ence.Now when you experience some physical pain orother problem, of course at that moment there isa feeling of ‘Oh! This suffering is so bad!’There’s a feeling of rejection associated with thesuffering, a kind of feeling of ‘Oh, I shouldn’t beexperiencing this.’But at that moment if you canlook at the situation from another angle andrealize that this very body...,“ he slapped an arm

in demonstration, ”is the very basis of suffering,then this reduces that feeling of rejection—thatfeeling that somehow you don’t deserve to suffer,that you are a victim. So, once you understandand accept this reality, then you experiencesuffering as something that is quite natural.“So, for example, when dealing with thesuffering the Tibetan people have undergone, inone way you could look at the situation and feeloverwhelmed, wondering, ‘How in the world hasthis happened?’ But from another angle youcould reflect on the fact that Tibet also is in themiddle of Samsara,” he laughed, “as is this planetand the whole galaxy.” He laughed again.“So, anyway, I think that how you perceivelife as a whole plays a role in your attitude aboutsuffering. For instance, if your basic outlook isthat suffering is negative and must be avoided at

all costs and in some sense is a sign of failure, thiswill add a distinct psychological component ofanxiety and intolerance when you encounterdifficult circumstances, a feeling of beingoverwhelmed. On the other hand, if your basicoutlook accepts that suffering is a natural part ofyour existence, this will undoubtedly make youmore tolerant towards the adversities of life. Andwithout a certain degree of tolerance towardsyour suffering, your life becomes miserable; thenit’s like having a very bad night. That night seemseternal ; it never seems to end.”“It seems to me that when you speak aboutthe underlying nature of existence as beingcharacterized by suffering, as basicallyunsatisfactory, that sounds like a prettypessimistic view, really discouraging in fact,” Inoted.

The Dalai Lama quickly clarified, “When Ispeak of the unsatisfactory nature of existence,one needs to understand that this is in the contextof the overall Buddhist path. These reflectionshave to be understood in their proper context,which is within the framework of the Buddhistpath. Unless this view of suffering is seen in itsproper context, I agree that there is a danger, oreven a likelihood, of misunderstanding this typeof approach as being rather pessimistic andnegative. Consequently, it’s important tounderstand the basic Buddhist stance towards thewhole issue of suffering. We find that in Buddha’sown public teachings, the first thing he taught wasthe principle of the Four Noble Truths, the first ofwhich is the Truth of Suffering. And here, a lot ofemphasis is placed on the realization of thesuffering nature of one’s existence.

“The point that has to be borne in mind is thatthe reason why reflection on suffering is soimportant is because there is a possibility of away out ; there is an alternative. There is aPossibility of freedom from suffering. Byremoving the causes of suffering, it is possible toattain a state of Liberation, a state free fromsuffering. According to Buddhist thought, the rootcauses of suffering are ignorance, craving, andhatred. These are called the ‘three poisons of themind.’These terms have specific connotationswhen used within a Buddhist context. Forexample, ‘ignorance’ doesn’t refer to a lack ofinformation as it is used in an everyday sense butrather refers to a fundamental misperception ofthe true nature of the self and all phenomena. Bygenerating insight into the true nature of realityand eliminating afflictive states of mind such as

craving and hatred, one can achieve a completelypurified state of mind, free from suffering. Withina Buddhist context, when one reflects on the factthat one’s ordinary day-to-day existence ischaracterized by suffering, this serves toencourage one to engage in the practices that willeliminate the root causes of one’s suffering.Otherwise, if there was no hope, or no possibilityof freedom from suffering, mere reflection onsuffering just becomes morbid thinking, andwould be quite negative.”As he spoke, I began to sense how reflecting onour “suffering nature” could play a role inaccepting life’s inevitable sorrows and could even

e a valuable method of putting our dailyproblems in proper perspective. And I began toperceive how suffering might even be seen in awider context, as part of a greater spiritual path,particularly in view of the Buddhist paradigm,which recognizes the possibility of purifying themind and ultimately achieving a state in whichthere is no more suffering. But, turning away fromthese grand philosophical speculations, I wascurious to learn how the Dalai Lama dealt withsuffering on a more personal level, how hehandled the loss of a loved one, for instance.When I first visited Dharamsala many yearsago, I had gotten to know the Dalai Lama’s olderbrother, Lobsang Samden. I became quite fondof him and was saddened to hear of his suddendeath a few years back. Knowing that he and theDalai Lama were particularly close, I said, “I

imagine that the death of your brother Lobsangwas very hard on you ...”“Yes.”“I was just wondering how you handled that.”“Of course, I was very, very sad when Ilearned of his death,” he said quietly.“And how did you deal with that feeling ofsadness? I mean was there something inparticular that helped you get over it?”“I don’t know,” he said pensively. “I felt thatfeeling of sadness for some weeks, but thatfeeling gradually lifted. Still, there was a feeling ofregret ...”“Regret?”“Yes. I was gone at the time he died, and Ithink if I had been there, maybe there wassomething I could have done to help. So I havethis feeling of regret.”

A lifetime of contemplating the inevitability ofhuman suffering may have played a role in helpingthe Dalai Lama accept his loss, but it did notcreate a cold emotionless individual with grimresignation in the face of suffering—the sadnessin his voice revealed a man with deep humanfeeling. At the same time, his candor andfrankness of manner, completely devoid of selfpityor self-recrimination, created theunmistakable impression of a man who had fullyaccepted his loss.On that day, our conversation had lasted wellinto the late afternoon. Daggers of golden light,cutting through wooden shutters, were slowlyadvancing across the darkening room. I sensed amelancholy atmosphere pervading the room andknew that our discussion was coming to the end.Yet I hoped to question him in greater detail

about the issue of loss, to see if he had additionaladvice about how to survive the death of a lovedone, other than simply accepting the inevitabilityof human suffering.As I was about to expand on the subject,however, he appeared somewhat distracted, andI noticed a cast of weariness around his eyes.Shortly, his secretary quietly entered the roomand gave me The Look: honed by years ofpractice, it indicated that it was time to leave.“Yes ... ,” the Dalai Lama said apologetically,“perhaps we should close ... I’m a bit tired.”The next day, before I had an opportunity toreturn to the subject in our private conversations,the issue was raised in his public talk. Anaudience member, clearly in pain, asked the DalaiLama, “Do you have any suggestions about howto handle a great personal loss, such as the loss

of a child?”With a gentle tone of compassion, heanswered, “To some degree, that depends onpeople’s personal beliefs. If people believe inrebirth, then accordingly, I think there is someway to reduce sorrow or worry. They can takeconsolation in the fact that their loved one will bereborn.“For those people who do not believe inrebirth, then I think there are still some simpleways to help deal with the loss. First, they couldreflect that if they worried too much, allowingthemselves to be too overwhelmed by the senseof loss and sorrow, and if they carried on withthat feeling of being overwhelmed, not onlywould it be very destructive and harmful tothemselves, ruining their health, but also it wouldnot have any benefit to the person who has

passed away.“For example, in my own case, I have lost mymost respected tutor, my mother, and also one ofmy brothers. When they passed away, of course,I felt very, very sad. Then I constantly keptthinking that it’s no use to worry too much, and ifI really loved these people, then I must fulfill theirwishes with a calm mind. So I try my best to dothat. So I think if you’ve lost someone who isvery dear to you, that’s the proper way toapproach it. You see, the best way to keep amemory of that person, the best remembrance, isto see if you can carry on the wishes of thatperson.“Initially, of course, feelings of grief andanxiety are a natural human response to a loss.But if you allow these feelings of loss and worryto persist, there’s a danger ; if these feelings are

left unchecked, they can lead to a kind of selfabsorption.A situation where the focus becomesyour own self. And when that happens youbecome overwhelmed by the sense of loss, andyou get a feeling that it’s only you who is goingthrough this. Depression sets in. But in reality,there are others who will be going through thesame kind of experience. So, if you find yourselfworrying too much, it may help to think of theother people who have similar or even worsetragedies. Once you realize that, then you nolonger feel isolated, as if you have been singlepointedlypicked out. That can offer you somekind of condolence.”

Although pain and suffering are experienced byall human beings, I have often felt that thosebrought up in some Eastern cultures appear tohave a greater acceptance and tolerance forsuffering. Part of this may be due to their beliefs,but perhaps it is because suffering is more visiblein poorer nations such as India than it is inwealthier countries. Hunger, poverty, illness, anddeath are in plain view. When a person becomesold or sick, they aren’t marginalized, shipped offto nursing homes to be cared for by healthprofessionals—they remain in the community, tobe cared for by the family. Those living in dailycontact with the realities of life cannot easily denythat life is characterized by suffering, that it is anatural part of existence.As Western society gained the ability to limitthe suffering caused by harsh living conditions, it

seems to have lost the ability to cope with thesuffering that remains. Studies by social scientistshave emphasized that most people in modernWestern society tend to go through life believingthat the world is basically a nice place in which tolive, that life is mostly fair, and that they are goodpeople who deserve to have good things happento them. These beliefs can play an important rolein leading a happier and healthier life. But theinevitable arising of suffering undermines thesebeliefs and can make it difficult to go on livinghappily and effectively. In this context, a relativelyminor trauma can have a massive psychologicalimpact as one loses faith in one’s basic beliefsabout the world as fair and benevolent. As aresult, suffering is intensified.There’s no doubt that with growingtechnology, the general level of physical comfort

has improved for many in Western society. It isat this point that a critical shift in perception takesplace ; as suffering becomes less visible, it is nolonger seen as part of the fundamental nature ofhuman beings—but rather as an anomaly, a signthat something has gone terribly wrong, a sign of“failure” of some system, an infringement on ourguaranteed right to happiness!This kind of thinking poses hidden dangers. Ifwe think of suffering as something unnatural,something that we shouldn’t be experiencing,then it’s not much of a leap to begin to look forsomeone to blame for our suffering. If I’munhappy, then I must be the “victim” of someoneor something—an idea that’s all to common inthe West. The victimizer may be the government,the educational system, abusive parents, a“dysfunctional family,” the other gender, or our

uncaring mate. Or we may turn blame inward:there’s something wrong with me, I’m the victimof disease, of defective genes perhaps. But therisk of continuing to focus on assigning blame andmaintaining a victim stance, is the perpetuation ofour suffering—with persistent feelings of anger,frustration, and resentment.Of course, the wish to get free of suffering isthe legitimate goal of every human being. It is thecorollary of our wish to be happy. Thus it isentirely appropriate that we seek out the causesof our unhappiness and do whatever we can toalleviate our problems, searching for solutions onall levels—global, societal, familial, andindividual. But as long as we view suffering as anunnatural state, an abnormal condition that wefear, avoid, and reject, we will never uproot thecauses of suffering and begin to live a happier life.

Chapter 9SELF-CREATED SUFFERINGOn his initial visit, the well-groomed middle-agedgentleman, elegantly dressed in an austere blackArmani suit, sat down in a polite yet reservedmanner and began to relate what had brought him

into the office. He spoke rather softly, in acontrolled, measured voice. I ran through the listof standard questions: presenting complaint, age,background, marital status, ....“That bitch!” he cried suddenly, his voiceseething with rage. “My damn wife! EX-wife,now. She was having an affair behind my back!And after everything I did for her. That little ...that little ... SLUT ! ” His voice became louder,more angry, and more venomous, as for the nexttwenty minutes he recounted grievance aftergrievance against his ex-wife.Our time was coming to a close. Realizing thathe was just getting warmed up and could easilycontinue in this vein for hours, I redirected him.“Well, most people have difficulty adjusting to arecent divorce, and that is certainly somethingthat we can address in future sessions,” I said

soothingly. “By the way, how long have you beendivorced?”“Seventeen years, last May.”In the last chapter we discussed the importanceof accepting suffering as a natural fact of humanexistence. While some kinds of suffering areinevitable, other kinds are self-created. Weexplored, for instance, how the refusal to acceptsuffering as a natural part of life can lead toviewing oneself as a perpetual victim and blamingothers for our problems—a surefire recipe for amiserable life.But we also add to our own suffering in otherways. All too often we perpetuate our pain, keep

it alive, by replaying our hurts over and overagain in our minds, magnifying our injustices in theprocess. We repeat our painful memories withthe unconscious wish perhaps that somehow itwill change the situation—but it never does. Ofcourse, sometimes this endless recounting of ourwoes can serve a limited purpose ; it can adddrama and a certain excitement to our lives orelicit attention and sympathy from others. But thisseems like a poor trade-off for the unhappinesswe continue to endure.In speaking about how we add to our ownsuffering, the Dalai Lama explained, “We can seethat there are many ways in which we activelycontribute to our own experience of mentalunrest and suffering. Although, in general, mentaland emotional afflictions themselves can comenaturally, often it is our own reinforcement of

those negative emotions that makes them somuch worse. For instance when we have angeror hatred towards a person, there is lesslikelihood of its developing to a very intensedegree if we leave it unattended. However, if wethink about the projected injustices done to us,the ways in which we have been unfairly treated,and we keep on thinking about them over andover, then that feeds the hatred. It makes thehatred very powerful and intense. Of course, thesame can apply to when we have an attachmenttowards a particular person ; we can feed that bythinking about how beautiful he or she is, and aswe keep thinking about the projected qualitiesthat we see in the person, the attachmentbecomes more and more intense. But this showshow through constant familiarity and thinking, weourselves can make our emotions more intense

and powerful.“We also often add to our pain and sufferingby being overly sensitive, overreacting to minorthings, and sometimes taking things toopersonally. We tend to take small things tooseriously and blow them up out of proportion,while at the same time we often remain indifferentto the really important things, those things whichhave profound effects on our lives and long-termconsequences and implications.“So I think that to a large extent, whether yousuffer depends on how you respond to a givensituation. For example, say that you find out thatsomeone is speaking badly of you behind yourback. If you react to this knowledge thatsomeone is speaking badly of you, this negativity,with a feeling of hurt or anger, then you yourselfdestroy your own peace of mind. Your pain is

your own personal creation. On the other hand, ifyou refrain from reacting in a negative way, letthe slander pass by you as if it were a silent windpassing behind your ears, you protect yourselffrom that feeling of hurt, that feeling of agony. So,although you may not always be able to avoiddifficult situations, you can modify the extent towhich you suffer by how you choose to respondto the situation.”We also often add to our pain and sufferingby being overly sensitive, overreacting tominor things, and sometimes taking things toopersonally ...“ With these words, the DalaiLama recognizes the origin of many of the day-

to-day aggravations that can add up to be amajor source of suffering. Therapists sometimescall this process personalizing our pain—thetendency to narrow our psychological field ofvision by interpreting or misinterpreting everythingthat occurs in terms of its impact on us.One night I had dinner with a colleague at arestaurant. The service at the restaurant turnedout to be very slow, and from the time we satdown, my colleague began to complain: “Look atthat! That waiter is so damn slow! Where is he? Ithink he’s purposely ignoring us!”Although neither of us had pressingengagements, my colleague’s complaints aboutthe slow service continued to escalate throughoutthe meal and expanded into a litany of complaintsabout the food, tableware, and anything else thatwas not to his liking. At the end of the meal, the

waiter presented us with two free desserts,explaining, “I apologize for the slow service thisevening,” he said sincerely, “but we’re a littleunderstaffed. One of the cooks had a death in thefamily and is off tonight, and one of the serverscalled in sick at the last minute. I hope it didn’tinconvenience you ...”“I’m still never coming here again,” mycolleague muttered bitterly under his breath as thewaiter walked off.This is only a minor illustration of how wecontribute to our own suffering by personalizingevery annoying situation, as if it were beingintentionally perpetrated on us. In this case, thenet result was only a ruined meal, an hour ofaggravation. But when this kind of thinkingbecomes a pervasive pattern of relating to theworld and extends to every comment made by

our family or friends, or even events in society atlarge, it can become a significant source of ourmisery.In describing the wider implications of thiskind of narrow thinking, Jacques Lusseyran oncemade an insightful observation. Lusseyran, blindfrom the age of eight, was a founder of aresistance group in World War II. Eventually, hewas captured by the Germans and imprisoned inBuchenwald concentration camp. In laterrecounting his experiences in the camps,Lusseyran stated, “ ... Unhappiness, I saw then,comes to each of us because we think ourselvesat the center of the world, because we have themiserable conviction that we alone suffer to thepoint of unbearable intensity. Unhappiness isalways to feel oneself imprisoned in one’s ownskin, in one’s own brain.”

“BUT IT’S NOT FAIR!”In our daily life, problems invariably arise. Butproblems themselves do not automatically causesuffering. If we can directly address our problemand focus our energies on finding a solution, forinstance, the problem can be transformed into achallenge. If we throw into the mix, however, afeeling that our problem is “unfair,” we add anadditional ingredient that can become a powerfulfuel in creating mental unrest and emotionalsuffering. And now we not only have twoproblems instead of one, but that feeling of“unfairness” distracts us, consumes us, and robsus of the energy needed to solve the originalproblem.

Raising this issue with the Dalai Lama onemorning, I asked, “How can we deal with thefeeling of unfairness that so often seems to tortureus when problems arise?”The Dalai Lama replied, “There may be avariety of ways that one might deal with thefeeling that one’s suffering is unfair. I’ve alreadyspoken of the importance of accepting sufferingas a natural fact of human existence. And I thinkthat in some ways Tibetans might be in a betterposition to accept the reality of these difficultsituations, because they will say, ‘Maybe it isbecause of my Karma in the past.’ They willattribute it to negative actions committed in eitherthis or a previous life, and so there is a greaterdegree of acceptance. I have seen some familiesin our settlements in India, with very difficultsituations—living under very poor conditions, and

on top of that having children with both eyesblind or sometimes retarded. And somehowthese poor ladies still manage to look after them,simply saying, ‘This is due to their Karma ; it istheir fate.’“In mentioning Karma, here I think that it isimportant to point out and understand thatsometimes due to one’s misunderstanding of thedoctrine of Karma, there is a tendency to blameeverything on Karma and try to exonerate oneselffrom the responsibility or from the need to takepersonal initiative. One could quite easily say,‘This is due to my past Karma, my negative pastKarma, and what can I do? I am helpless.’ Thisis a totally wrong understanding of Karma,because although one’s experiences are aconsequence of one’s past deeds, that does notmean that the individual has no choice or that

there is no room for initiative to change, to bringabout positive change. And this is the same in allareas of life. One should not become passive andtry to excuse oneself from having to takepersonal initiative on the grounds that everythingis a result of Karma, because if one understandsthe concept of Karma properly, one willunderstand that Karma means ‘action.’ Karma isa very active process. And when we talk ofKarma, or action, it is the very action committedby an agent, in this case, ourselves, in the past.So what type of future will come about, to a largeextent, lies within our own hands in the present. Itwill be determined by the kind of initiatives thatwe take now.“So, Karma should not be understood interms of a passive, static kind of force but rathershould be understood in terms of an active

process. This indicates that there is an importantrole for the individual agent to play in determiningthe course of the Karmic process. For instance,even a simple act or a simple purpose, likefulfilling our needs for food ... In order to achievethat simple goal, we need an action on the part ofourselves. We need to look for food, and thenwe need to eat it ; this shows that even for thesimplest act, even a simple goal is achievedthrough action ...”“Well, reducing the feeling of unfairness byaccepting that it is a result of one’s Karma maybe effective for Buddhists,” I interjected. “Butwhat about those who don’t believe in thedoctrine of Karma? Many in the West forinstance ...”“People who believe in the idea of a Creator,of God, may accept these difficult circumstances

more easily by viewing them as part of God’screation or plan. They may feel that even thoughthe situation appears to be very negative, God isall powerful and very merciful, so there may besome meaning, some significance, behind thesituation that they may not be aware of. I thinkthat kind of faith can sustain and help them duringtheir times of suffering.”“And what about those who don’t believe ineither the doctrine of Karma or the idea of aCreator God?”“For a nonbeliever ... ,” the Dalai Lamapondered for several moments beforeresponding, “ ... perhaps a practical, scientificapproach could help. I think that scientists usuallyconsider it very important to look at a problemobjectively, to study it without much emotionalinvolvement. With this kind of approach, you can

look at the problem with the attitude ‘If there’s away to fight the problem, then fight, even if youhave to go to court!’” He laughed. “Then, if youfind that there’s no way to win, you can simplyforget about it.“An objective analysis of difficult orproblematic situations can be quite important,because with this approach you’ll often discoverthat behind the scenes there may be other factorsat play. For instance, if you feel that you’re beingtreated unfairly by your boss at work, there maybe other factors at play; he may be annoyed bysomething else, an argument with his wife thatmorning or something, and his behavior may havenothing to do with you personally, may not bespecifically directed at you. Of course, you muststill face whatever the situation may be, but atleast with this approach you may not have the

additional anxiety that would come along with it.”“Could this kind of ‘scientific’ approach, inwhich one objectively analyzes a situation, alsopossibly help one to discover ways in whichoneself may be contributing to the problem? Andcould that help reduce the feeling of unfairnessassociated with the difficult situation?”“Yes!” he responded enthusiastically. “Thatwould definitely make a difference. In general, ifwe carefully examine any given situation in a veryunbiased and honest way, we will realize that to alarge extent we are also responsible for theunfolding of events.“For instance, many people blamed the GulfWar on Saddam Hussein. Afterwards, on variousoccasions I expressed, ‘That’s not fair!’ Undersuch circumstances, I really feel kind of sorry forSaddam Hussein. Of course, he is a dictator, and

of course, there are many other bad things abouthim. If you look at the situation roughly, it’s easyto place all the blame on him—he’s a dictator,totalitarian, and even his eyes look a little bitfrightening!” he laughed. “But without his army hiscapacity to harm is limited, and without militaryequipment that powerful army cannot function.All this military equipment is not produced byitself from thin air! So, when we look at it likethat, many nations are involved.“So,” the Dalai Lama continued, “often ournormal tendency is to try to blame our problemson others, on external factors. Furthermore, wetend to look for one single cause, and then try toexonerate ourselves from the responsibility. Itseems that whenever there are intense emotionsinvolved, there tends to be a disparity betweenhow things appear and how they really are. In

this case if you go further and analyze thesituation very carefully, you’ll see that SaddamHussein is part of the source of the problem, oneof the factors, but there are other contributingconditions as well. Once you realize this, yourearlier attitude that he is the only causeautomatically falls away and the reality of thesituation emerges.“This practice involves looking at things in aholistic way—realizing that there are many eventscontributing to a situation. For example, ourproblem with the Chinese—again, there is muchcontribution made by ourselves. I think perhapsour generation may have contributed to thesituation, but definitely our previous generations Ithink were very negligent, at least a fewgenerations back. So I think we, as Tibetans,contributed to this tragic situation. It’s not fair to

lame everything on China. But there are somany levels. Of course, although we might be acontributing factor to a situation, that doesn’tmean we are solely to blame. For example,Tibetans have never completely bowed down toChinese oppression ; there has been continuedresistance. Because of this the Chinesedeveloped a new policy—transferring largemasses of Chinese to Tibet so that the Tibetanpopulation becomes insignificant, the Tibetansdisplaced, and the movement for freedom cannotbe effective. In this case we cannot say that theTibetan resistance is to blame or is responsiblefor the Chinese policy.”“When you are looking for your owncontribution to a situation, what about thosesituations that clearly aren’t your own fault, thatyou have nothing to do with, even relatively

insignificant everyday situations, such as whensomeone intentionally lies to you?” I asked.“Of course, I may initially feel a sense ofdisappointment when somebody isn’t truthful, buteven here, if I examine the situation, I mightdiscover that in fact their motive for hidingsomething from me may not be the result of a badmotive. It may be that they simply have a certainlack of confidence in me. So sometimes when Ifeel disappointed by these kinds of incidents, I tryto look at them from another angle; I’ll think thatmaybe the person did not want to fully confide inme because I won’t be able to keep it secret. Mynature usually tends to be quite straightforward,so, because of this, the person might havedecided that I’m not the right person who cankeep the secrets, that I may not be able to keepsecrets as many people would expect. In other

words, I am not worthy of the person’s full trustbecause of my personal nature. So, looking at itin that way, I would consider the cause to be dueto my own fault.”Even coming from the Dalai Lama, thisrationale seemed like a bit of a stretch—finding“your own contribution” to another’s dishonesty.But there was a genuine sincerity in his voice ashe spoke, which suggested that in fact this was atechnique he had used to practical advantage inhis personal life to help deal with adversity. Inapplying this technique to our own lives, ofcourse, we might not always be so successful infinding our own contribution to a problematicsituation. But whether we are successful or not,even the honest attempt to search for our own

contribution to a problem allows a certain shift offocus that helps to break through the narrowpatterns of thinking that lead to the destructivefeeling of unfairness that is the source of so muchdiscontent in ourselves and in the world.

GUILTAs products of an imperfect world, all of us areimperfect. Every one of us has done somewrong. There are things we regret—things wehave done or things we should have done.Acknowledging our wrongdoings with a genuinesense of remorse can serve to keep us on theright track in life and encourage us to rectify ourmistakes when possible and take action tocorrect things in the future. But if we allow ourregret to degenerate into excessive guilt, holdingon to the memory of our past transgressions withcontinued self-blame and self-hatred, this servesno purpose other than to be a relentless source ofself-punishment and self-induced suffering.

During an earlier conversation in which we hadbriefly discussed the death of his brother, Irecalled that the Dalai Lama had spoken of someregrets related to his brother’s death. Curiousabout how he dealt with feelings of regret, andpossibly guilt feelings, I returned to the subject ina later conversation, asking, “When we weretalking about Lobsang’s death, you mentionedsome regrets. Have there been other situations inyour life that you’ve regretted?”“Oh, yes. Now for instance there was oneolder monk who lived as a hermit. He used tocome to see me to receive teachings, although Ithink he was actually more accomplished than I

and came to me as a sort of formality. Anyway,he came to me one day and asked me aboutdoing a certain high-level esoteric practice. Iremarked in a casual way that this would be adifficult practice and perhaps would be betterundertaken by someone who was younger, thattraditionally it was a practice that should bestarted in one’s midteens. I later found out thatthe monk had killed himself in order to be rebornin a younger body to more effectively undertakethe practice ...”Surprised by this story, I remarked, “Oh,that’s terrible! That must have been hard on youwhen you heard ...”The Dalai Lama nodded sadly.“How did you deal with that feeling of regret?How did you eventually get rid of it?”The Dalai Lama silently considered for quite a

while before replying, “I didn’t get rid of it. It’sstill there.” He stopped again, before adding,“But even though that feeling of regret is stillthere, it isn’t associated with a feeling ofheaviness or a quality of pulling me back. Itwould not be helpful to anyone if I let that feelingof regret weigh me down, be simply a source ofdiscouragement and depression with no purpose,or interfere with going on with my life to the bestof my ability.”At that moment, in a very visceral way, I wasstruck once again by the very real possibility of ahuman being’s fully facing life’s tragedies andresponding emotionally, even with deep regret,but without indulging in excessive guilt or selfcontempt.The possibility of a human being’swholly accepting herself or himself, complete withlimitations, foibles, and lapses of judgment. The

possibility of recognizing a bad situation for whatit is and responding emotionally, but withoutoverresponding. The Dalai Lama sincerely feltregret over the incident he described but carriedhis regret with dignity and grace. And whilecarrying this regret, he has not allowed it to weighhim down, choosing instead to move ahead andfocus on helping others to the best of his ability.Sometimes I wonder if the ability to livewithout indulging in self-destructive guilt is partlycultural. In recounting my conversation with theDalai Lama about regret to a friend who is aTibetan scholar, I was told that, in fact, theTibetan language doesn’t even have an equivalentfor the English word “guilt,” although it does havewords meaning “remorse” or “repentance” or“regret,” with a sense of “rectifying things in thefuture.” Whatever the cultural component may

e, however, I believe that by challenging ourcustomary ways of thinking and by cultivating adifferent mental outlook based on the principlesdescribed by the Dalai Lama, any of us can learnto live without the brand of guilt that does nothingbut cause ourselves needless suffering.

RESISTING CHANGEGuilt arises when we convince ourselves thatwe’ve made an irreparable mistake. The tortureof guilt is in thinking that any problem ispermanent. Since there is nothing that doesn’tchange, however, so too pain subsides—aproblem doesn’t persist. This is the positive sideof change. The negative side is that we resistchange in nearly every arena of life. Thebeginning of being released from suffering is toinvestigate one of the primary causes: resistanceto change.In describing the ever-changing nature of life,the Dalai Lama explained, “It’s extremelyimportant to investigate the causes or origins of

suffering, how it arises. One must begin thatprocess by appreciating the impermanent,transient nature of our existence. All things,events, and phenomena are dynamic, changingevery moment ; nothing remains static. Meditatingon one’s blood circulation could serve toreinforce this idea: the blood is constantlyflowing, moving ; it never stands still. Thismomentarily changing nature of phenomena is likea built-in mechanism. And since it is the nature ofall phenomena to change every moment, thisindicates to us that all things lack the ability toendure, lack the ability to remain the same. Andsince all things are subject to change, nothingexists in a permanent condition, nothing is able toremain the same under its own independentpower. Thus, all things are under the power orinfluence of other factors. So, at any given

moment, no matter how pleasant or pleasurableyour experience may be, it will not last. Thisbecomes the basis of a category of sufferingknown in Buddhism as the ‘suffering of change.’”The concept of impermanence plays a centralrole in Buddhist thought, and the contemplationof impermanence is a key practice.Contemplation of impermanence serves two mainvital functions within the Buddhist path. On aconventional level, or in an everyday sense, theBuddhist practitioner contemplates his or herown impermanence—the fact that life is tenuousand we never know when we’ll die. When this

eflection is combined with a belief in the rarity ofhuman existence and the possibility of attaining astate of spiritual Liberation, of release fromsuffering and endless rounds of rebirth, then thiscontemplation serves to increase thepractitioner’s resolve to use her or his time tobest advantage, by engaging in the spiritualpractices that will bring about this Liberation. Ona deeper level, the contemplation of the moresubtle aspects of impermanence, theimpermanent nature of all phenomena, begins thepractitioner’s quest to understand the true natureof reality and, through this understanding, dispelthe ignorance that is the ultimate source of oursuffering.So, while the contemplation of impermanencehas tremendous significance within a Buddhistcontext, the question arises: does the

contemplation and understanding ofimpermanence have any practical application inthe everyday lives of non-Buddhists as well? Ifwe view the concept of “impermanence” from thestandpoint of “change,” then the answer is adefinite yes. After all, whether one looks at lifefrom a Buddhist perspective or a Westernperspective, the fact remains that life is change.And to the degree that we refuse to accept thisfact and resist the natural life changes, we willcontinue to perpetuate our own suffering.The acceptance of change can be animportant factor in reducing a large measure ofour self-created suffering. So often, for instance,we cause our own suffering by refusing torelinquish the past. If we define our self-image interms of what we used to look like or in terms ofwhat we used to be able to do and can’t do now,

it is a pretty safe bet that we won’t grow happieras we grow older. Sometimes, the more we tryto hold on, the more grotesque and distorted lifebecomes.While the acceptance of the inevitability ofchange, as a general principle, can help us copewith many problems, taking a more active role byspecifically learning about normal life changes canprevent an even greater amount of the day-todayanxiety that is the cause of many of ourtroubles.Revealing the value of recognizing normal lifechanges, a new mother told me about a visit tothe emergency room she had made at twoo‘clock in the morning.“What seems to be the problem?” thepediatrician asked her.“MY BABY ! SOMETHING’S WRONG ! ”

she cried frantically, “I think he’s choking orsomething! His tongue keeps protruding ; he justkeeps sticking it out ... over and over again ...like he’s trying to get something out, but there’snothing in his mouth ...”After a few questions and a brief examination,the doctor assured her, “There’s nothing toworry about. As a baby grows, he develops anincreasing awareness of his own body and what itcan do. Your baby has just discovered histongue.”Margaret, a thirty-one-year-old journalist,illustrates the critical importance of understandingand accepting change in the context of a personalrelationship. She came to me complaining of mildanxiety which she attributed to difficulty adjusting

to a recent divorce.“I thought that it might be a good idea to havea few sessions just to talk to someone,” sheexplained, “to help me really put the past to restand make the transition back to the single life. Tobe honest, I’m a little nervous about it ...”I asked her to describe the circumstances ofher divorce.“I guess I’d have to describe it as amiable.There were no big fights or anything like that. Myex and I both have good jobs, so there weren’tany problems with a financial settlement. Wehave one boy, but he seems to have adjusted tothe divorce well, and my ex and I have a jointcustody agreement that is working well ...”“I mean, can you tell me what led to thedivorce?”“Umm ... I suppose we just fell out of love,”

she sighed. “It seemed that gradually the romancewas gone ; we just didn’t have the same intimacythat we had when we were first married. Weboth got busy with our jobs and our son and justseemed to drift apart. We tried some sessions ofmarital counseling, but they didn’t do any good.We still got along, but it was like we werebrother and sister. It didn’t feel like love, like areal marriage. Anyway, we mutually agreed that itwould be best to get a divorce ; something justwasn’t there anymore.”After spending two sessions delineating herproblem, we decided on a course of short-termpsychotherapy, focusing specifically on helpingher reduce her anxiety and adjust to her recentlife changes. Overall, she was an intelligent andemotionally well-adjusted person. She respondedvery well to a brief course of therapy and easily

made the transition back to single life.Despite obviously caring for each other, itwas clear that Margaret and her husband hadinterpreted the change in their level of passion asa sign that the marriage should end. All too oftenwe interpret a diminution of passion as a signalthat there is a fatal problem in the relationship.And more often than not, the first whisper ofchange in our relationship may create a sense ofpanic, a feeling that something is drasticallywrong. Perhaps we did not pick the right partnerafter all. Our mate just doesn’t seem like theperson we fell in love with. Disagreements comeup—we may be in the mood for sex and ourpartner is tired, we may want to see a specialmovie but our partner has no interest in it or isalways busy. We may discover differences thatwe never noticed before. So, we conclude, it

must be over ; after all, there’s no getting aroundthe fact that we are growing apart. Things justaren’t the same anymore ; maybe we should geta divorce.So what do we do? Relationship expertschurn out books by the dozen, cookbooks tellingus exactly what to do when the passion and flameof romance grow dim. They offer a myriad ofsuggestions designed to help rekindle theromance—restructure your schedule to makeromantic time a priority, plan romantic dinners orweekend getaways, compliment your mate, learnhow to have a meaningful conversation.Sometimes these things help. Sometimes theydon’t.But before pronouncing the relationship dead,one of the most beneficial things we can do whenwe notice a change is to simply stand back,

assess the situation, and arm ourselves with asmuch knowledge as possible about the normalpatterns of change in relationships.As our lives play out, we develop frominfancy to childhood, to adulthood, to old age.We accept these changes in individualdevelopment as a natural progression. But arelationship is also a dynamic living system,composed of two organisms interacting in a livingenvironment. And as a living system, it is equallynatural and right that the relationship go throughstages. In any relationship, there are differentdimensions of closeness—physical, emotional,and intellectual. Bodily contact, sharing emotions,thoughts, and exchanging ideas are all legitimateways of connecting with those we love. It isnormal for the balance to wax and wane:sometimes physical closeness decreases but

emotional closeness can increase; at other timeswe don’t feel like sharing words but just want tobe held. If we are sensitive to this issue, we canrejoice in the initial bloom of passion in arelationship, but if it cools, instead of feelingworry or anger, we can open ourselves to newforms of intimacy that can be equally—orperhaps more—satisfying. We can delight in ourpartner as a companion, enjoy a steadier love, adeeper bond.In his book Intimate Bebavior,DesmondMorris describes the normal changesthat occur in a human being’s need for closeness.He suggests that each of us repeatedly goesthrough three stages: “Hold me tight,” “Put medown,” and “Leave me alone.” The cycle firstbecomes apparentin the firstyears of life whenchildren move from the “hold me tight” phase

characteristic of infancy to the “put me down”stage when the child first begins to explore theworld, crawl, walk, and achieve someindependence and autonomy from the mother.This is part of normal development and growth.These phases do not just move in one direction,however ; at various stages a child mayexperience some anxiety when the feeling ofseparateness becomes too great, and then thechild will return to the mother for soothing andcloseness. In adolescence, “leave me alone”becomes the predominant phase as the childstruggles to form an individual identity. Althoughthis may be difficult or painful for the parents,most experts recognize it as a normal andnecessary phase in the transition from childhoodto adulthood. Even within this phase, there is stilla mixture of phases. While the adolescent is

crying “Leave me alone!” to his parents at home,the “hold me tight” needs may be met by strongidentification with the peer group.In adult relationships as well, the same fluxoccurs. Levels of intimacy change, with periodsof greater intimacy alternating with periods ofgreater distance. This is also part of the normalcycle of growth and development. To reach ourfull potential as human beings, we need to be ableto balance our needs for closeness and unionwith times when we must turn inward, with asense of autonomy, to grow and develop asindividuals.As we come to understand this, we will nolonger react with horror or panic when we firstnotice ourselves “growing apart” from ourpartner, any more than we would panic whilewatching the tide go out at the seashore. Of

course, sometimes a growing emotional distancecan signal serious problems in a relationship (anunspoken undercurrent of anger for instance),and even breakups can occur. In those cases,measures such as therapy can be very helpful.But the main point to keep in mind is that agrowing distance doesn’t automatically spelldisaster. It can also be part of a cycle that returnsto redefine the relationship in a new form that canrecapture or even surpass the intimacy thatexisted in the past.So, the act of acceptance, of acknowledgingthat change is a natural part of our interactionswith others, can play a vital role in ourrelationships. We may discover that it is at thevery time when we may feel most disappointed,as if something has gone out of the relationship,that a profound transformation can occur. These

transitional periods can become pivotal pointswhen true love can begin to mature and flower.Our relationship may no longer be based onintense passion, the view of the other as theembodiment of perfection, or the feeling that weare merged with the other. But in exchange forthat, we are now in a position to truly begin toknow the other—to see the other as he or she is,a separate individual, with faults and weaknessesperhaps, but a human being like ourselves. It isonly at this point that we can make a genuinecommitment, a commitment to the growth ofanother human being—an act of true love.Perhaps Margaret’s marriage could havebeen salvaged by accepting the natural change inthe relationship and forming a new relationshipbased on factors other than passion andromance.

Fortunately, however, the story didn’t endthere. Two years after my last session withMargaret, I ran into her at a shopping mall (thesituation of running into an ex-patient in a socialsetting is one that invariably makes me, like mosttherapists, feel a bit awkward).“How have you been?” I asked.“Things couldn’t be better!” she exclaimed.“Last month, my ex-husband and I remarried.”“Really?”“Yeah, and it’s going great. We continued tosee each other, of course, because of the jointcustody. Anyway, it was difficult at first ... butafter the divorce, somehow the pressure was off.We didn’t have any expectations .anymore. Andwe found out that we really did like each otherand love each other. Things still aren’t the sameas when we were first married, but it doesn’t

seem to matter ; we’re really happy together. Itjust feels right.”

Chapter 10SHIFTING PERSPECTIVEOnce there was a disciple of a Greekphilosopher who was commanded by hisMaster for three years to give money to

everyone who insulted him. When thisperiod of trial was over the Master said tohim, “Now you can go to Athens and learnWisdom.” When the disciple was enteringAthens, he met a certain wise man who satat the gate insulting everybody who cameand went. He also insulted the disciple,who burst out laughing. “Why do youlaugh when I insult you?” said the wiseman. “Because,” said the disciple, “forthree years I have been paying for thiskind of thing and now you give it to me fornothing.” “Enter the city,” said the wiseman, “it is all yours ...”Th e fourth-century Desert Fathers, an assortmentof eccentric characters who retired to the desertsaround Scete for a life of sacrifice and prayer,

taught this story to illustrate the value of sufferingand hardship. It wasn’t hardship alone, however,that opened the “city of wisdom” to the disciple.The prime factor that allowed him to deal soeffectively with a difficult situation was hiscapacity to shift perspective, to view hissituation from a different vantage point.The ability to shift perspective can be one ofthe most powerful and effective tools we have tohelp us cope with life’s daily problems. The DalaiLama explained:“The ability to look at events from differentperspectives can be very helpful. Then, practicingthis, one can use certain experiences, certaintragedies to develop a calmness of mind. Onemust realize that every phenomena, every event,has different aspects. Everything is of a relativenature. For example, in my own case, I lost my

country. From that viewpoint, it is very tragic—and there are even worse things. There’s a lot ofdestruction happening in our country. That’s avery negative thing. But if I look at the sameevent from another angle, I realize that as arefugee, I have another perspective. As a refugeethere is no need for formalities, ceremony,protocol. If everything were status quo, if thingswere okay, then on a lot of occasions you merelygo through the motions ; you pretend. But whenyou are passing through desperate situations,there’s no time to pretend. So from that angle,this tragic experience has been very useful to me.Also, being a refugee creates a lot of newopportunities for meeting with many people.People from different religious traditions, fromdifferent walks of life, those who I may not havemet had I remained in my country. So in that

sense it’s been very, very useful.“It seems that often when problems arise, ouroutlook becomes narrow. All of our attentionmay be focused on worrying about the problem,and we may have a sense that we’re the only onethat is going through such difficulties. This canlead to a kind of self-absorption that can makethe problem seem very intense. When thishappens, I think that seeing things from a widerperspective can definitely help—realizing, forinstance, that there are many other people whohave gone through similar experiences, and evenworse experiences. This practice of shiftingperspective can even be helpful in certainillnesses or when in pain. At the time the painarises it is of course often very difficult, at thatmoment, to do formal meditation practices tocalm the mind. But if you can make comparisons,

view your situation from a different perspective,somehow something happens. If you only look atthat one event, then it appears bigger and bigger.If you focus too closely, too intensely, on aproblem when it occurs, it appearsuncontrollable. But if you compare that eventwith some other greater event, look at the sameproblem from a distance, then it appears smallerand less overwhelming.”Shortly before one session with the Dalai Lama, Ihappened to run into an administrator of a facilitywhere I used to work. During my tenure at hisfacility we had a number of run-ins because Ibelieved that he was compromising patient care

in favor of financial considerations. I hadn’t seenhim in quite a while, but as soon as I spotted him,all of our arguments came flooding back and Icould feel the anger and hatred welling up insideme. By the time I was ushered into the DalaiLama’s hotel suite for our session later that day, Iwas considerably calmer, but still feeling a bitunsettled.“Let’s say that someone makes you angry,” Ibegan. “Your natural response to being hurt, yourimmediate response, is to get angry. But in a lotof cases, it’s not just a matter of getting angry atthe time you’re being hurt. You might think aboutthe event later, even much later, and every timeyou think about it you become angry all overagain. How would you suggest dealing with thatkind of situation?”The Dalai Lama nodded thoughtfully, and

looked at me. I wondered if he sensed that Iwasn’t bringing up the topic for purely academicreasons.“If you look from a different angle,” he said,“then surely the person who caused this anger inyou will have a lot of other positive aspects,positive qualities. If you look carefully, you willalso find that the act which has made you angryhas also given you certain opportunities,something which otherwise would not have beenpossible, even from your point of view. So witheffort you’ll be able to see many different anglesto a single event. This will help.”“But what about if you look for the positiveangles of a person or event and can’t find any?”“Here, I think, we would be dealing with asituation where you might need to make someeffort. Spend some time seriously searching for a

different perspective on the situation. Not just ina superficial way. But in a very pointed and directway. You need to use all your powers ofreasoning and look at the situation as objectivelyas possible. For instance, you might reflect on thefact that when you are really angry at someoneyou tend to perceive them as having 100 percentnegative qualities. Just as when you are stronglyattracted to someone the tendency is to see themas having 100 percent positive qualities. But thisperception does not correspond with reality. Ifyour friend, who you view as so wonderful, wereto purposely harm you in some way, suddenlyyou would become acutely aware that they aren’tcomposed of 100 percent good qualities.Similarly, if your enemy, the one you hate, wereto sincerely beg your forgiveness and continue toshow you kindness, it’s unlikely that you would

continue to perceive them as 100 percent bad.So, even though when you are angry at someoneyou might feel that the person has no positivequalities, the reality is that nobody is 100 percentbad. They must have some good qualities if yousearch hard enough. So, the tendency to seesomeone as completely negative is due to yourown perception based on your own mentalprojection, rather than the true nature of thatindividual.“In the same way, a situation that you initiallyperceive as 100 percent negative may have somepositive aspects to it. But I think that even if youhave discovered a positive angle to a badsituation, that alone is often not enough. You stillneed to reinforce that idea. So you may need toremind yourself of that positive angle many times,until gradually your feeling changes. Generally

speaking, once you’re already in a difficultsituation, it isn’t possible to change yourattitude simply by adopting a particularthought once or twice. Rather it’s through aprocess of learning, training, and getting usedto new viewpoints that enables you to dealwith the difficulty.”The Dalai Lama reflected for a moment, and,adhering to his usual pragmatic stance, he added,“If, however, in spite of your efforts, you do notfind any such positive angles or perspectives to aperson’s act, then for the time being the bestcourse of action may be to simply try to forgetabout it.”

Inspired by the Dalai Lama’s words, later thatevening I tried to discover some “positive angles”to the administrator, ways in which he was not“100 percent bad.” It wasn’t hard. I knew him tobe a loving father, for instance, trying to raise hischildren the best he could. And I had to admitthat my run-ins with him had ultimately benefitedme—they had been instrumental in my decisionto quit working at that facility, which ultimatelyled to more satisfying work. While thesereflections didn’t immediately result in anoverwhelming liking for this man, theyunquestionably took the bite out of my feelings ofhatred with surprisingly little effort. Soon, theDalai Lama would offer an even more profoundlesson: how to completely transform one’sattitude toward one’s enemies and learn tocherish them.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE ON THEENEMYThe Dalai Lama’s primary method oftransforming our attitude about our enemiesinvolves a systematic and rational analysis of ourcustomary response to those who harm us. Heexplained:“Let’s begin by examining our characteristicattitude toward our rivals. Generally speaking, ofcourse, we do not wish good things for ourenemies. But even if your enemy is madeunhappy through your actions, what is there foryou to be so joyful about? If you think about itcarefully, how can there be anything more

wretched than that? Carrying around the burdenof such feelings of hostility and ill will. And doyou really want to be that mean?“If we take revenge upon one’s enemy, then itcreates a kind of vicious cycle. If you retaliate,the other person is not going to accept that—heor she is going to retaliate against you, and thenyou will do the same, so it will go on. Andespecially when this happens at the communitylevel, it can go on from generation to generation.The result is that both sides suffer. Then, thewhole purpose of life becomes spoiled. You cansee this in the refugee camps, where hatred iscultivated towards another group. This happensfrom childhood on. It is very sad. So, anger orhatred is like a fisherman’s hook. It’s veryimportant for us to ensure that we are not caughtby this hook.

“Now, some people consider that stronghatred is good for national interest. I think this isvery negative. It is very short-sighted.Counteracting this way of thinking is the basis ofthe spirit of nonviolence and understanding.”Having challenged our characteristic attitudetoward one’s enemy, the Dalai Lama went on tooffer an alternative way of viewing one’s enemy,a new perspective that could have a revolutionaryimpact on one’s life. He explained:“In Buddhism in general, a lot of attention ispaid to our attitudes towards our rivals orenemies. This is because hatred can be thegreatest stumbling block to the development ofcompassion and happiness. If you can learn todevelop patience and tolerance towards yourenemies, then everything else becomes mucheasier—your compassion towards all others

egins to flow naturally.“So, for a spiritual practitioner, one’s enemiesplay a crucial role. As I see it, compassion is theessence of a spiritual life. And in order for you tobecome fully successful in practicing love andcompassion, the practice of patience andtolerance is indispensable. There is no fortitudesimilar to patience, just as there is no afflictionworse than hatred. Therefore, one must exertone’s best efforts not to harbor hatred towardsthe enemy, but rather use the encounter as anopportunity to enhance one’s practice of patienceand tolerance.“In fact, the enemy is the necessarycondition for practicing patience. Without anenemy’s action, there is no possibility forpatience or tolerance to arise. Our friends do notordinarily test us and provide the opportunity to

cultivate patience ; only our enemies do this. So,from this standpoint we can consider our enemyas a great teacher, and revere them for giving usthis precious opportunity to practice patience.“Now there are many, many people in theworld, but relatively few with whom we interact,and even fewer who cause us problems. Sowhen you come across such a chance forpracticing patience and tolerance, you shouldtreat it with gratitude. It is rare. Just as havingunexpectedly found a treasure in your ownhouse, you should be happy and grateful towardsyour enemy for providing that preciousopportunity. Because if you are ever to besuccessful in your practice of patience andtolerance, which are critical factors incounteracting negative emotions, it is due to thecombination of your own efforts and also the

opportunity provided by your enemy.“Of course, one might still feel, ‘Why should Ivenerate my enemy, or acknowledge his or hercontribution, because the enemy had no intentionto give me this precious opportunity for practicingpatience, no intention of helping me? And notonly do they have no wish or intention to helpme, but they have a deliberate malicious intentionto harm me! Therefore, it’s appropriate to hatethem—they are definitely not worthy of respect.’Actually, it is in fact the presence of this hatefulstate of mind in the enemy, the intention to hurtus, that makes the enemy’s action unique.Otherwise, if it is just the actual act of hurting us,then we would hate doctors and consider themas enemies because sometimes they adoptmethods that can be painful, such as surgery. Butstill, we do not consider these acts as harmful or

the acts of an enemy because the intention on thepart of the doctor was to help us. So, therefore,it is exactly this willful intention to harm us thatmakes the enemy unique and gives us thisprecious opportunity to practice patience.”The Dalai Lama’s suggestion to venerate one’senemies because of the opportunities for growththey provide might be a bit hard to swallow atfirst. But the situation is analogous to a personseeking to tone and strengthen one’s bodythrough weight training. Of course, the activity oflifting is uncomfortable at first—the weights areheavy. One strains, sweats, struggles. Yet it is thevery act of struggling against the resistance that

ultimately results in our strength. One appreciatesgood weight equipment not for any immediatepleasure it provides, but for the ultimate benefitone receives.Perhaps even the Dalai Lama’s claims aboutthe “rarity” and “preciousness” of The Enemy aremore than just fanciful ratio nalizations. As I listento my patients describe their difficulties withothers, this becomes quite clear—when it comesdown to it, most people don’t have legions ofenemies and antagonists they’re struggling with,at least on a personal level. Usually the conflict isjust confined to a few people. A boss perhaps,or a coworker, an ex-spouse, a sibling. Fromthat standpoint, The Enemy is truly “rare”—oursupply is limited. And it’s the struggle, theprocess of resolving the conflict with The Enemy—through learning, examining, finding alternative

ways of dealing with them—that ultimately resultsin true growth, insight, and a successfulpsychotherapeutic outcome.Imagine what it would be like if we wentthrough life never encountering an enemy or anyother obstacles for that matter, if from the cradleto the grave everyone we met pampered us, heldus, hand-fed us (soft bland food, easy to digest),amused us with funny faces and the occasional“goo-goo” noise. If from infancy we were carriedaround in a basket (later on, perhaps on a litter),never encountering any challenge, never tested—in short, if everyone continued to treat us like ababy. That might sound good at first. For the firstfew months of life it might be appropriate. But if itpersisted it could only result in one becoming asort of gelatinous mass, a monstrosity really—with the mental and emotional development of

veal. It’s the very struggle of life that makes uswho we are. And it is our enemies that test us,provide us with the resistance necessary forgrowth.

IS THIS ATTITUDE PRACTICAL?The practice of approaching our problemsrationally and learning to view our troubles or ourenemies from alternative perspectives certainlyseemed like a worthwhile pursuit, but I wonderedto what degree this could really bring about afundamental transformation of attitude. Iremembered once reading in an interview thatone of the Dalai Lama’s daily spiritual practiceswas the recitation of a prayer, The Eight Verseson the Training of the Mind, written in theeleventh century by the Tibetan saint, LangriThangpa. It reads, in part:Whenever I associate with someone,

may I think myself the lowest among alland hold the other supreme in the depthof my heart! ...When Isee beings of wicked nature,pressed by violent sin and affliction, mayI hold these rare ones dear as if I hadfound a precious treasure! ...When others, out of envy, treat mebadly with abuse, slander and the like,may I suffer the defeat and offer thevictory to others! ...When the one, whom I have benefitedwith great hope, burts me very badly,may I behold him as my supreme Guru!In short may I, directly and indirectly,offer benefit and happiness to allbeings ; may I secretly take upon myselfthe barm and suffering of all beings! ...

After I read about this, I asked the Dalai Lama,“I know that you’ve contemplated this prayer agreat deal, but do you really think it is applicablethese days? I mean, it was written by a monkliving in a monastery—a setting where the worstthing that might happen is someone gossipingabout you or telling lies about you or perhaps theoccasional punch or slap. In that case it might beeasy to ‘offer the victory’ to them—but intoday’s society the ’hurt’ or bad treatment onereceives from others might include rape, torture,murder, etc. From that standpoint, the attitude inthe prayer really doesn’t seem applicable.” I felta bit smug, having made an observation that Ithought was rather apt, the ol’ bon mot.The Dalai Lama was silent for severalmoments, his brow furrowed deep in thought,

then said, “There may be something in what youare saying.” He then went on to discuss instanceswhere there may need to be some modification tothat attitude, where one may need to take strongcountermeasures to other’s aggression to preventharm to oneself or others.Later that evening I thought over ourconversation. Two points vividly emerged. First,I was struck by his extraordinary readiness totake a fresh look at his own beliefs and practices—in this case, demonstrating a willingness toreevaluate a cherished prayer that had no doubtfused with his very being through years ofrepetition. The second point was less inspiring. Iwas overcome with a sense of my ownarrogance! It occurred to me that I hadsuggested to him that the prayer might not beappropriate because it wasn’t in keeping with the

harsh realities of today’s world. But it wasn’t untillater that I reflected on who I had been speakingto—a man who had lost an entire country as aresult of one of the most brutal invasions inhistory. A man who has lived in exile for almostfour decades while an entire nation placed theirhopes and dreams of freedom on him. A manwith a deep sense of personal responsibility, whohas listened with compassion to a continuousstream of refugees pouring out their stories of themurder, rape, torture, and degradation of theTibetan people by the Chinese. More than onceI’ve seen the look of infinite caring and sadnesson his face as he listened to these accounts, oftentoldby people who crossed the Himalayas onfoot (a two-year journey) just to catch a glimpseof him.And these stories aren’t of physical violence

only. Often they involved the attempt to destroythe spirit of the Tibetan people. A Tibetanrefugee once told me about the Chinese “school”he was required to attend as a youngster growingup in Tibet. The mornings were devoted toindoctrination and study of Chairman Mao’s“little red book.” The afternoons were devoted toreporting on various homework assignments. The“homework” was generally devised to eradicatethe deeply ingrained spirit of Buddhism amongthe Tibetan people. For example, knowing aboutthe Buddhist prohibition against killing and thebelief that every living creature is equally aprecious “sentient being,” one schoolteacherassigned his students the task of killing somethingand bringing it to school the following day. Thestudents were graded. Each dead animal wasgiven a certain point value—a fly was worth one

point, a worm—two, a mouse—five, a cat—ten,and so on. (When I recounted this story to afriend recently, he shook his head with a look ofdisgust, and mused, “I wonder how many pointsthe student would get for killin’ the damnteacher?”)Through his spiritual practices, such asrecitation of The Eight Verses on the Trainingof the Mind, the Dalai Lama has been able tocome to terms with the reality of this situation yetcontinue to campaign actively for freedom andhuman rights in Tibet for forty years. At the sametime he has maintained an attitude of humility andcompassion toward the Chinese, which hasinspired millions worldwide. And here was I,suggesting that this prayer might not be relevantto the “realities” of today’s world. I still flush withembarrassment whenever I think of that

conversation.

DISCOVERING NEWPERSPECTIVESIn trying to apply the Dalai Lama’s method ofshifting perspective on “the enemy,” I happenedto stumble upon another technique one afternoon.During the course of preparing for this book Iattended some teachings by the Dalai Lama onthe East Coast. On my return home I took anonstop flight back to Phoenix. As usual, I hadbooked an aisle seat. Despite having justattended spiritual teachings, I was in a rathercranky mood as I boarded the packed plane.Then I discovered I had been mistakenlyassigned a center seat—sandwiched between a

man of generous proportions who had theannoying habit of draping his thick forearm overmy side of the armrest and a middle-aged womanwhom I took an immediate dislike to because, Idecided, she had usurped my aisle seat. Therewas something about this woman that reallybothered me—her voice a bit too shrill, hermanner a bit too imperial, I’m not sure. Rightafter takeoff she began talking continuously to theman sitting directly in front of her. The manturned out to be her husband, and I “gallantly”offered to exchange seats with him. But theywouldn’t have it—they both wanted aisle seats. Igrew more annoyed. The prospect of five solidhours seated next to this woman seemedunbearable.Realizing that I was reacting so strongly to awoman whom I didn’t even know, I decided that

it must be “transference”—she mustsubconsciously remind me of someone from mychildhood—the ol’ unresolved-feelings-of-hatetoward-my-motheror something. I racked mybrain but couldn’t come up with a likelycandidate-she just didn’t remind me of anyonefrom my past.It then occurred to me that this was theperfect opportunity to practice developingpatience. So, I started in on the technique ofvisualizing my enemy in my aisle seat as acherished benefactor, placed next to me to teachme patience and tolerance. I figured this shouldbe a snap—after all, as “enemies” go youcouldn’t get any milder than this—I had just metthis woman, and she hadn’t actually doneanything to harm me. After about twenty minutes,I gave it up—she still bugged me! I resigned

myself to remaining irritable for the rest of theflight. Sulking, I glared at one of her hands thatwas furtively encroaching on my armrest. I hatedeverything about this woman. I was staringabsently at her thumbnail when it occurred to me:Do I hate that thumbnail? Not really. It was justan ordinary thumbnail. Unremarkable. Next, Iglanced at her eye and asked myself: Do I reallyhate that eye? Yes, I did. (Of course, for nogood reason—which is the purest form of hate). Ifocused in closer. Do I hate that pupil? No. Do Ihate that cornea, that iris, or that sclera? No. So,do I really hate that eye? I had to admit that Ididn’t. I felt that I was on to something. I movedon to a knuckle, a finger, a jaw, an elbow. Withsome surprise I realized that there were parts ofthis woman that I didn’t hate. Focusing ondetails, on particulars, instead of

overgeneralizations, allowed a subtle internalchange, a softening. This shift of perspective torean opening in my prejudice, just wide enough tolook at her as simply another human being. As Iwas feeling this, she suddenly turned to me andstarted a conversation. I don’t remember whatwe talked about—it was small talk mostly—butby the end of the flight my anger and annoyancehad been diffused. Granted, she wasn’t my NewBest Friend but also she was no longer The EvilUsurper of My Aisle Seat—just another humanbeing, like me, moving through life as best shecould.

A SUPPLY MINDThe ability to shift perspective, the capacity toview one’s problems “from different angles,” isnurtured by a supple quality of mind. Theultimate benefit of a supple mind is that it allowsus to embrace all of life—to be fully alive andhuman. Following a long day of public talks inTucson one afternoon, the Dalai Lama walkedback to his hotel suite. As he slowly walked backto his room, a bank of magenta rain cloudsspanned the sky, absorbing the late afternoonlight and sending the Catalina Mountains intodeep relief, the entire landscape a vast palette ofpurple hues. The effect was spectacular. Thewarm air, laden with the fragrance of desert

plants, of sage, a dampness, a restless breeze,holding the promise of an unbridled Sonoranstorm. The Dalai Lama stopped. For severalmoments he quietly surveyed the horizon, takingin the entire panorama, finally commenting on thebeauty of the setting. He walked on, but after afew steps he paused again, bending down toexamine a tiny lavender bud on a small plant. Hetouched it gently, noting its delicate form, andwondered aloud about the name of the plant. Iwas struck by the facility with which his mindfunctioned. His awareness seemed to move soeasily from taking in the complete landscape tofocusing on a single bud, a simultaneousappreciation of the totality of the environment aswell as the smallest detail. A capacity toencompass all facets and the full spectrum of life.Every one of us can develop this same

suppleness of mind. It comes about, at least inpart, directly through our efforts to stretch ourperspective and deliberately try on newviewpoints. The end result is a simultaneousawareness of the big picture as well as ourindividual circumstances. This dual outlook, aconcurrent view of the “Big World” and our own“Little World,” can act as a kind of triage, helpingus separate what is important in life from whatisn’t.In my own case, it took a bit of gentle proddingby the Dalai Lama, during the course of our

conversations, before I began to break out of myown limited perspective. By nature and training,I’ve always tended to address problems from thestandpoint of individual dynamics—psychologicalprocesses occurring purely within the domain ofthe mind. Sociological or political perspectiveshave never held much interest for me. In onediscussion with the Dalai Lama I startedquestioning him about the importance ofachieving a wider perspective. Having hadseveral cups of coffee earlier, my conversationstarted to become quite animated and I began tospeak about the ability to shift perspective as aninternal process, a solitary pursuit, based solelyon an individual’s conscious decision to adopt adifferent view.In the midst of my spirited discourse, theDalai Lama finally interrupted to remind me,

“When you speak of adopting a widerperspective this includes working cooperativelywith other people. When you have crises whichare global by nature for instance, such as theenvironment or problems of modern economicstructure, this calls for a coordinated andconcerted effort among many people, with asense of responsibility and commitment. This ismore encompassing than an individual orpersonal issue.”I was annoyed that he was dragging in thesubject of the world while I was trying toconcentrate on the subject of the individual (andthis attitude, I’m embarrassed to admit, on thevery topic of widening one’s viewpoint!).“But this week,” I insisted, “in ourconversations and in your public talks, you’vespoken a lot about the importance of effecting

personal change from within, through internaltransformation. For instance, you’ve spokenabout the importance of developing compassion,a warm heart, of overcoming anger and hatred,cultivating patience and tolerance ...”“Yes. Of course, change must come fromwithin the individual. But when you are seekingsolutions to global problems, you need to be ableto approach these problems from the standpointof the individual as well as from the level ofsociety at large. So, when you’re talking aboutbeing flexible, about having a wider perspectiveand so on, this requires the ability to addressproblems from various levels: the individual level,the community level, and the global level.“Now, for instance, at the talk at theuniversity the other evening, I spoke about theneed to reduce anger and hatred through the

cultivation of patience and tolerance. Minimizinghatred is like internal disarmament. But, as I alsomentioned in that talk, that internal disarmamentmust go with external disarmament. That I think isvery, very important. Fortunately, after the Sovietempire collapsed, at least for the time being,there is no more threat of nuclear holocaust. So, Ithink this is a very good time, a very good start—we should not miss this opportunity! Now I thinkwe must strengthen the genuine force of peace.Real peace—not just mere absence of violenceor absence of war. Mere absence of war can beproduced by weapons—like the nucleardeterrent. But a mere absence of war is notgenuine, lasting world peace. Peace mustdevelop on mutual trust. And since weapons arethe greatest obstacle for development of mutualtrust, I think the time has now come to figure out

how to get rid of these weapons. That is veryimportant. Of course, we cannot achieve thisovernight. I think the realistic way is step by step.But anyway, I think we must make our ultimategoal very clear: The whole world should bedemilitarized. So, on one level we should beworking toward developing inner peace, but atthe same time it’s very important to worktowards external disarmament and peace as well,making a small contribution in whatever way wecan. That’s our responsibility.”

THE IMPORTANCE OF FLEXIBLETHINKINGThere is a reciprocal relationship between asupple mind and the ability to shift perspective: Asupple, flexible mind helps us address ourproblems from a variety of perspectives, and,conversely, deliberately trying to objectivelyexamine our problems from a variety ofperspectives can be seen as a kind of flexibilitytraining for the mind. In today’s world, theattempt to develop a flexible mode of thinkingisn’t simply a self-indulgent exercise for idleiritellectuals-it can be a matter of survival. Evenon an evolutionary scale, the species that have

een most flexible, most adaptable toenvironmental changes, have survived andthrived. Life today is characterized by sudden,unexpected, and sometimes violent change. Asupple mind can help us reconcile the externalchanges going on all around us. It can also helpus integrate all of our internal conflicts,inconsistencies, and ambivalence. Withoutcultivating a pliant mind, our outlook becomesbrittle and our relationship to the world becomescharacterized by fear. But by adopting a flexible,malleable approach to life, we can maintain ourcomposure even in the most restless andturbulent conditions. It is through our efforts toachieve a flexible mind that we can nurture theresiliency of the human spirit.

As I got to know the Dalai Lama, I becameamazed at the extent of his flexibility, his capacityto entertain a variety of viewpoints. One wouldexpect that his unique role as probably theworld’s most recognized Buddhist might put himin the position of being a sort of Defender of TheFaith.With this in mind, I asked him, “Do you everfind yourself being too rigid in your viewpoint,too narrow in your thinking?”“Hmm ...” he pondered for a moment beforereplying decisively. “No, I don’t think so. In fact,it’s just the opposite. Sometimes I’m so flexiblethat I’m accused of having no consistent policy.”He broke into a robust laugh. “Someone willcome to me and present a certain idea, and I’llsee the reason in what they’re saying and agree,

telling them, Oh, that’s great!‘ ... But then thenext person comes along with the oppositeviewpoint, and I’ll see the reason in what they aresaying as well and agree with them also.Sometimes I’m criticized for this and have to bereminded, ’We’re committed to this course ofaction, so for the time being let’s just keep to thisside.‘ ”From this statement alone one might get theimpression that the Dalai Lama is indecisive, withno guiding principles. In fact, that couldn’t befurther from the truth. The Dalai Lama clearly hasa set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for allhis actions: A belief in the underlying goodness ofall human beings. A belief in the value ofcompassion. A policy of kindness. A sense of hiscommonality with all living creatures.In speaking of the importance of being

flexible, malleable, and adaptable, I don’t meanto suggest that we become like chameleons—soaking up any new belief system that we happento be around at the time, changing our identity,passively absorbing every idea that we’reexposed to. Higher stages of growth anddevelopment depend on an underlying set ofvalues that can guide us. A value system that canprovide continuity and coherence to our lives, bywhich we can measure our experiences. A valuesystem that can help us decide which goals aretruly worthwhile and which pursuits aremeaningless.The question is, how can we consistently andsteadfastly maintain this set of underlying valuesand yet remain flexible? The Dalai Lama hasseemed to achieve this by first reducing his beliefsystem to a few fundamental facts: 1) I am a

human being. 2) I want to be happy and I don’twant to suffer. 3) Other human beings, likemyself, also want to be happy and don’t want tosuffer. Emphasizing the common ground heshares with others, rather than the differences,results in a feeling of connection with all humanbeings and leads to his basic belief in the value ofcompassion and altruism. Using the sameapproach, it can be tremendously rewardingsimply to take some time to reflect on our ownvalue system and reduce it to its fundamentalprinciples. It is the ability to reduce our valuesystem to its most basic elements, and live fromthat vantage point, that allows us the greatestfreedom and flexibility to deal with the vast arrayof problems that confront us on a daily basis.

FINDING BALANCEDeveloping a flexible approach to living is notonly instrumental in helping us cope witheveryday problems—it also becomes thecornerstone for a key element of a happy life:balance.Settling comfortably into his chair onemorning, the Dalai Lama explained the value ofleading a balanced life.“A balanced and skillful approach to life,taking care to avoid extremes, becomes a veryimportant factor in conducting one’s everydayexistence. It is important in all aspects of life. Forinstance, in planting a sapling of a plant or a tree,at its very early stage you have to be very skillful

and gentle. Too much moisture will destroy it, toomuch sunlight will destroy it. Too little will alsodestroy it. So what you need is a very balancedenvironment where the sapling can have a healthygrowth. Or, for a person’s physical health, toomuch or too little of any one thing can havedestructive effects. For example, too muchprotein I think is bad, and too little is bad.“This gentle and skillful approach, taking careto avoid extremes, applies to healthy mental andemotional growth as well. For instance, if we findourselves becoming arrogant, being puffed up byself-importance based on one’s supposed oractual achievements or qualities, then the antidoteis to think more about one’s own problems andsuffering, contemplating the unsatisfactoryaspects of existence. This will assist you inbringing down the level of your heightened state

of mind, bringing you more down to earth. Andon the contrary, if you find that reflecting on theunsatisfactory nature of existence, suffering andpain and so forth, makes you feel quiteoverwhelmed by the whole thing, then, again,there’s a danger of going to the other extreme. Inthat case you might become totally discouraged,helpless, and depressed, thinking that‘Oh, I can’tdo anything, I’m worthless.’ So under suchcircumstances, it’s important to be able to upliftyour mind by reflecting on your achievements, theprogress that you have made so far, and yourother positive qualities so that you can uplift yourmind and get out of that discouraged ordemoralized state of mind. So what is requiredhere is a kind of very balanced and skillfulapproach.“Not only is this approach helpful for one’s

physical and emotional health, but it applies toone’s spiritual growth as well. Now, for instance,the Buddhist tradition includes many differenttechniques and practices. But it is very importantto be very skillful in one’s application of thevarious techniques, and not to be too extreme.One needs a balanced and skillful approach heretoo. When undertaking Buddhist practice it isimportant to have a coordinated approach,combining studying and learning with thepractices of contemplation and meditation. This isimportant so that there won’t be any imbalancesbetween academic or intellectual learning andpractical implementation. Otherwise, there is adanger that too much intellectualization will killthe more contemplative practices. But then, toomuch emphasis on practical implementationwithout study will kill the understanding. So there

has got to be a balance....”After a moment’s reflection, he added, “So, inother words, the practice of Dbarma, realspiritual practice, is in some sense like a voltagestabilizer. The function of the stabilizer is toprevent irregular power surges and instead giveyou a stable and constant source of power.”“You stress the importance of avoidingextremes,” I inserted, “but isn’t going to extremeswhat provides the excitement and zest in life? Byavoiding all extremes in life, always choosing the‘middle way,’ doesn’t that just lead to a bland,colorless existence?”Shakinghis head no, he answered, “I thinkyou need to understand the source or basis ofextreme behavior. Take for example the pursuitof material goods—shelter, furniture, clothing,and so on. On one hand, poverty can be seen as

a sort of extreme and we have every right tostrive to overcome this and assure our physicalcomfort. On the other hand, too much luxury,pursuing excessive wealth is another extreme.Our ultimate aim in seeking more wealth is asense of satisfaction, of happiness. But the verybasis of seeking more is a feeling of not havingenough, a feeling of discontentment. That feelingof discontentment, of wanting more and moreand more, doesn’t arise from the inherentdesirability of the objects we are seeking butrather from our own mental state.“So I think that our tendency to go toextremes is often fueled by an underlying feelingof discontentment. And of course there may beother factors which lead to extremes. But I thinkit is important to recognize that while going toextremes may seem appealing or ‘exciting’ on the

surface, it can in fact be harmful. There are manyexamples of the dangers of going to extremes, ofextreme behavior. I think that by examining thesesituations you’il be able to see that theconsequence of going to extremes is that you,yourself, will eventually suffer. For example, on aplanetary scale if we engage in excessive fishing,without proper regard for long-termconsequences, without a sense of responsibility,then it results in depletion of the fish population...Or sexual behavior. Of course there is thebiological sexual drive for reproduction and soon, and the satisfaction one gets from sexualactivity. But if sexual behavior becomes extreme,without proper responsibility, it leads to so manyproblems, abuses ... like sexual abuse andincest.”“You mentioned that in addition to a feeling of

discontentment, there may be other factors thatlead to extremes....”“Yes, certainly.” He nodded.“Can you give an example?”“I think narrow-mindedness could be anotherfactor that leads to extremes.”“Narrow-mindedness in the sense of...?”“The example of excessive fishing leading todepletion of the fish population would be aninstance of narrow thinking, in the sense that oneis looking only at the short term, and ignoring thewider picture. Here, one could use education andknowledge to widen one’s perspective andbecome less narrow in one’s viewpoint.”The Dalai Lama picked up his rosary from aside table, rubbing it between his hands as hesilently mulled over the issue under discussion.Glancing at his rosary, he suddenly continued, “I

think in many ways narrow-minded attitudes leadto extreme thinking. And this creates problems.For instance, Tibet was a Buddhist nation formany centuries. Naturally that resulted inTibetans feeling that Buddhism was the bestreligion, and a tendency to feel that it would be agood thing if all of humanity became Buddhist.The idea that everyone should be Buddhist isquite extreme. And that kind of extreme thinkingjust causes problems. But now that we’ve leftTibet, we’ve had a chance to come into contactwith other religious traditions and learn aboutthem. This has resulted in coming closer to reality—real—izing that among humanity there are somany different mental dispositions. Even if wetried to make the whole world Buddhist it wouldbe impractical. Through closer contact with othertraditions you realize the positive things about

them. Now, when confronted with anotherreligion, initially a positive feeling, a comfortablefeeling, will arise. We’ll feel if that person finds adifferent tradition more suitable, more effective,then that’s good! Then it’s like going to arestaurant-we can all sit down at one table andorder different dishes according to one’s owntaste. We might eat different dishes, but nobodyargues about it!“So, I think that by deliberately broadeningour outlook we can often overcome the kind ofextreme thinking that leads to such negativeconsequences.”With this thought, the Dalai Lama slipped hisrosary around his wrist, patted my hand amiably,and rose to end the discussion.

Chapter 11FINDING MEANING IN PAIN ANDSUFFERINGVictor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist imprisonedby the Nazis in World War II, once said, “Man isready and willing to shoulder any suffering as

soon and as long as he can see a meaning in it.”Frankl used his brutal and inhumane experiencein the concentration camps to gain insight intohow people survived the atrocities. Closelyobserving who survived and who didn‘t, hedetermined that survival wasn’t based on youthor physical strength but rather on the strengthderived from purpose, and the discovery ofmeaning in one’s life and experience.Finding meaning in suffering is a powerfulmethod of helping us cope even during the mosttrying times in our lives. But finding meaning inour suffering is not an easy task. Suffering oftenseems to occur at random, senselessly andindiscriminately, with no meaning at all, let alone apurposeful or positive meaning. And while we arein the midst of our pain and suffering, all ourenergy is focused on getting away from it. During

periods of acute crisis and tragedy it seemsimpossible to reflect on any possible meaningbehind our suffering. At those times, there is oftenlittle we can do but endure. And it’s natural toview our suffering as senseless and unfair, andwonder, “Why me?” Fortunately, however,during times of comparative ease, periods beforeor after acute experiences of suffering, we canreflect on suffering, seeking to develop anunderstanding of its meaning. And the time andeffort we spend searching for meaning in sufferingwill pay great rewards when bad things begin tostrike. But in order to reap those rewards, wemust begin our search for meaning when thingsare going well. A tree with strong roots canwithstand the most violent storm, but the treecan’t grow roots just as the storm appears on thehorizon.

So where do we begin in our search formeaning in suffering? For many people, thesearch begins with their religious tradition.Although different religions may have differentways of understanding the meaning and purposeof human suffering, every world religion offersstrategies for responding to suffering based on itsunderlying beliefs. In the Buddhist and Hindumodels, for example, suffering is a result of ourown negative past actions and is seen as acatalyst for seeking spiritual liberation.In the Judeo-Christian tradition, the universewas created by a good and just God, and eventhough His master plan may be mysterious andindecipherable at times, our faith and trust in Hisplan allow us to tolerate our suffering more easily,trusting, as the Talmud says, that “EverythingGod does, He does for the best.” Life may still

e painful, but like the pain a woman experiencesin childbirth, we trust that the pain will beoutweighed by the ultimate good it produces. Thechallenge in these traditions lies in the fact that,unlike in childbirth, the ultimate good is often notrevealed to us. Still, those with a strong faith inGod are sustained by a belief in God’s ultimatepurpose for our suffering, as a Hasidic sageadvises, “When a man suffers, he ought not tosay, ‘That’s bad! That’s bad!’ Nothing Godimposes on man is bad. But it is all right to say,‘That’s bitter! That’s bitter!’ For amongmedicines there are some that are made withbitter herbs.” So, from the Judeo-Christianperspective, suffering can serve many purposes: itcan test and potentially strengthen our faith, it canbring us closer to God in a very fundamental andintimate way, or it can loosen the bonds to the

material world and make us cleave to God as ourrefuge.While a person’s religious tradition may offervaluable assistance in finding meaning, even thosewho do not subscribe to a religious worldviewmay upon careful reflection find meaning andvalue behind their suffering. Despite the universalunpleasantness, there is little doubt that oursuffering can test, strengthen, and deepen theexperience of life. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.,once said, “What does not destroy me, makesme stronger.” And while it is natural to recoilfrom suffering, suffering can also challenge us andat times even bring out the best in us. In TheThird Man, author Graham Green observes, “InItaly for thirty years under the Borgias, they hadwarfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed—butthey produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci,

and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they havebrotherly love, five hundred years of democracyand peace, and what did they produce? Thecuckoo clock.”While at times suffering can serve to toughenus, to strengthen us, at other times it can havevalue by functioning in the opposite manner-tosoften us, to make us more sensitive and gentle.The vulnerability we experience in the midst ofour suffering can open us and deepen ourconnection with others. The poet WilliamWordsworth once claimed, “A deep distress hathhumanized my soul.” In illustrating this humanizingeffect of suffering, an acquaintance, Robert,comes to mind. Robert was the CEO of a verysuccessful corporation. Several years ago, hesuffered a serious financial setback that triggereda severe immobilizing depression. We met one

day during the depths of his depression. I hadalways known Robert to be the model ofconfidence and enthusiasm, and I was alarmed tosee him looking so despondent. With intenseanguish in his voice, Robert reported, “This is theworst I’ve ever felt in my life. I just can’t seem toshake it. I didn’t know that it was even possibleto feel so overwhelmed and hopeless and out ofcontrol.” After discussing his difficulties for awhile, I referred him to a colleague for treatmentof his depression.Several weeks later, I ran into Robert’s wifeKaren and asked her how he was doing. “He’sdoing much better thanks. The psychiatrist yourecommended prescribed an antidepressantmedication which is helping a lot. Of course, it’sstill going to take a while for us to work throughthe problems with the business, but he’s feeling

much better now and we’re going to be all right...”“I’m really glad to hear that.”Karen hesitated a moment, then confided,“You know, I hated to see him go through thatdepression. But in a way, I think it has been ablessing. One night during a fit of depression hebegan crying uncontrollably. He couldn’t stop. Iended up just holding him in my arms for hourswhile he wept, until he finally fell asleep. Intwenty-three years of marriage, that’s the firsttime something like that has happened ... and tobe honest I’ve never felt so close to him in mylife. And even though his depression is betternow, things are different somehow. Somethingseemed to just break open ... and that feeling ofcloseness is still there. The fact that he shared hisproblem and we went through it together

somehow changed our relationship, made usmuch closer.”In searching for ways that one’s personalsuffering can take on meaning, we turn onceagain to the Dalai Lama, who illustrated howsuffering can be put to practical use within thecontext of the Buddhist path.“In Buddhist practice, you can use yourpersonal suffering in a formal way to enhanceyour compassion—by using it as an opportunityfor the practice of Tong-Len. This is a Mahayanavisualization practice in which one mentallyvisualizes taking on another’s pain and suffering,and in turn giving them all of your resources,good health, fortune, and so on. I will giveinstruction on this practice in greater detail lateron. So, in doing this practice, when you undergoillness, pain, or suffering, you can use that as an

opportunity by thinking, ‘May my suffering be asubstitute for the suffering of all other sentientbeings. By experiencing this, may I be able tosave all other sentient beings who may have toundergo similar suffering.’ So you use yoursuffering as an opportunity for the practice oftaking others’ suffering upon yourself.“Here, I should point out one thing. If, forinstance, you become ill and practice thistechnique, thinking, ‘May my illness act as asubstitute for others who are suffering fromsimilar illnesses,’ and you visualize taking on theirillness and suffering and giving them your goodhealth, I’m not suggesting that you ignore yourown health. When dealing with illnesses, first ofall it’s important to take preventative measures soyou don’t suffer from these illnesses, like takingall the precautionary measures such as adopting

the right diet or whatever it may be. And thenwhen you become ill, it is important not tooverlook the necessity of taking the appropriatemedications and all the other methods that areconventional.“However, once you do become ill, practicessuch as Tong-Len can make a significantdifference in how you respond to the situation ofillness in terms of your mental attitude. Instead ofmoaning about your situation, feeling sorry foryourself, and being overwhelmed by anxiety andworry, you can, in fact, save yourself fromadditional mental pain and suffering by adoptingthe right attitude. Practicing Tong-Lenmeditation, or ‘giving and receiving,’ may notnecessarily succeed in alleviating the real physicalpain or lead to a cure in physical terms, but whatit can do is protect you from unnecessary

additional psychological pain, suffering, andanguish. You can think, ‘May I, by experiencingthis pain and suffering, be able to help otherpeople and save others who may have to gothrough the same experience.’ Then yoursuffering takes on new meaning as it is usedas the basis for a religious or spiritualpractice. And on top of that, it is also possible inthe cases of some individuals practicing thistechnique, that instead of being sorry andsaddened by the experience, the person can seeit as a kind of privilege. The person can perceiveit as a kind of opportunity and, in fact, be joyfulbecause this particular experience has made himor her richer.”“You mention that suffering can be used in thepractice of Tong-Len. And earlier you discussedthe fact that intentional contemplation of our

suffering nature ahead of time can be helpful inpreventing us from becoming overwhelmed whendifficult situations arise ... in the sense ofdeveloping greater acceptance of suffering as anatural part of life...”“That’s very true ...,” the Dalai Lama nodded.“Are there other ways that our suffering canbe seen as having some meaning, or at least thecontemplation of our suffering as having somepractical value?”“Yes,” he replied, “definitely. I think earlierwe mentioned that within the framework of theBuddhist path, reflecting on suffering hastremendous importance because by realizing thenature of suffering, you will develop greaterresolve to put an end to the causes of sufferingand the unwholesome deeds that lead tosuffering. And it will increase your enthusiasm for

engaging in the wholesome actions and deedsthat lead to happiness and joy.”“And do you see any benefits of reflecting onsuffering for non-Buddhists?”“Yes, I think it can have some practical valuein some situations. For example, reflecting onyour suffering can reduce your arrogance, yourfeeling of conceit. Of course,” he laughedheartily, “this may not be seen as a practicalbenefit or be a convincing reason for someonewho doesn’t consider arrogance or pride to be afault.”Becoming more serious, the Dalai Lamaadded, “But anyway, I think that there is oneaspect to our experience of suffering that is ofvital importance. When you are aware of yourpain and suffering, it helps you to develop yourcapacity for empathy, the capacity that allows

you to relate to other people’s feelings andsuffering. This enhances your capacity forcompassion towards others. So as an aid inhelping us connect with others, it can be seen ashaving value.“So,” the Dalai Lama concluded, “looking atsuffering in these ways, our attitude may begin tochange ; our suffering may not be as worthlessand bad as we think.”

DEALING WITH PHYSICAL PAINBy reflecting on suffering during the quietermoments of our lives, when things are relativelystable and going well, we may often discover adeeper value and meaning in our suffering.Sometimes, however, we may be confrontedwith kinds of suffering that seem to have nopurpose, with no redeeming qualities whatsoever.Physical pain and suffering often seem to belongto that category. But there is a differencebetween physical pain, which is a physiologicalprocess, and suffering, which is our mental andemotional response to the pain. So, the questionsarises: Can finding an underlying purpose andmeaning behind our pain modify our attitude

about it? And can a change in attitude lessen thedegree to which we suffer when we arephysically injured?In his book, Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants,Dr. Paul Brand explores the purpose and valueof physical pain. Dr. Brand, a world-renownedhand surgeon and leprosy specialist, spent hisearly years in India where, as the son ofmissionaries, he was surrounded by people livingunder conditions of extreme hardship andsuffering. Noticing that physical pain seemed tobe expected and tolerated much more than in theWest, Dr. Brand became interested in the painsystem in the human body. Eventually, he beganworking with leprosy patients in India and madea remarkable discovery. He found that theravages of leprosy and the horrible disfigurementswere not due to the disease organism directly

causing the rotting of the flesh, but rather it wasbecause the disease caused loss of pain sensationin the limbs. Without the protection of pain, theleprosy patients lacked the system to warn themof tissue damage. Thus, Dr. Brand observedpatients walking or running on limbs with brokenskin or even exposed bones ; this causedcontinuous deterioration. Without pain,sometimes they would even stick their hands in afire to retrieve something. He noticed an utternonchalance toward self-destruction. In his book,Dr. Brand recounted story after story of thedevastating effects of living without pain sensation—of the repetitive injuries, of cases of ratsgnawing off fingers and toes while the patientslept peacefully.After a lifetime of working with patientssuffering from pain and those suffering from lack

of pain, Dr. Brand gradually came to view painnot as the universal enemy as seen in the Westbut as a remarkable, elegant, and sophisticatedbiological system that warns us of damage to ourbody and thus protects us. But why must theexperience of pain be so unpleasant? Heconcluded that the very unpleasantness of pain,the part that we hate, is what makes it soeffective in protecting us and warning us ofdanger and injury. The unpleasant quality of painforces the entire human organism to attend to theproblem. Although the body has automaticreflexive movements that form an outer layer ofprotection and move us quickly away from thepain, it is the feeling of unpleasantness thatgalvanizes and compels the entire organism toattend and act. It also sears the experience intothe memory and serves to protect us in the future.

In the same way that finding meaning in oursuffering can help us cope with life’s problems,Dr. Brand feels that an understanding of thepurpose of physical pain can lessen our sufferingwhen pain arises. In view of this theory, he offersthe concept of “pain insurance.” He feels that wecan prepare for pain ahead of time, while healthy,by gaining insight into the reason we have it andtaking the time to reflect on what life would bewithout pain. However, since acute pain candemolish objectivity, we must reflect on thesethings before pain strikes. But if we can begin tothink of pain as a “speech your body is deliveringabout a subject that is of vital importance to you,in the most effective way of getting yourattention,” then our attitude about pain will beginto change. And as our attitude about painchanges, our suffering will diminish. As Dr. Brand

states, “I am convinced that the attitude wecultivate in advance may well determine howsuffering will affect us when it does strike.” Hebelieves that we can even develop gratitude in theface of pain. We may not be grateful for theexperience of pain, but we can be grateful forthe system of pain perception.There is no doubt that our attitude and mentaloutlook can strongly affect the degree to whichwe suffer when we are in physical pain. Let’ssay, for instance, that two individuals, aconstruction worker and a concert pianist, sufferthe same finger injury. While the amount ofphysical pain might be the same for bothindividuals, the construction worker might suffervery little and in fact rejoice if the injury resultedin a month of paid vacation which he or she wasin need of, whereas the same injury could result

in intense suffering to the pianist who viewedplaying as his or her primary source of joy in life.The idea that our mental attitude influencesour ability to perceive and endure pain isn’tlimited to theoretical situations such as this; it hasbeen demonstrated by many scientific studies andexperiments. Researchers looking into this issuebegan by tracing the pathways of how pain isperceived and experienced. Pain begins with asensory signal—an alarm that goes off whennerve endings are stimulated by something that issensed as dangerous. Millions of signals are sentthrough the spinal cord to the base of the brain.These signals are then sorted out and a messageis sent to higher areas of the brain telling of pain.The brain then sorts through the prescreenedmessages and decides on a response. It is at thisstage that the mind can assign value and meaning

to the pain and intensify or modify our perceptionof pain ; we convert pain into suffering in themind. To lessen the suffering of pain, we need tomake a crucial distinction between the pain ofpain and the pain we create by our thoughtsabout the pain. Fear, anger, guilt, loneliness, andhelplessness are all mental and emotionalresponses that can intensify pain. So, indeveloping an approach to dealing with pain, wecan of course work at the lower levels of painperception, using the tools of modern medicinesuch as medications and other procedures, butwe can also work at the higher levels bymodifying our outlook and attitude.Many researchers have examined the role ofthe mind in the perception of pain. Pavlov eventrained dogs to overcome the pain instinct byassociating an electrical shock with a food

eward. Researcher Ronald Melzak tookPavlov’s experiments a step further. He raisedScottish terrier pups in a padded environment inwhich they wouldn’t encounter the normalknocks and scrapes of growing up. These dogsfailed to learn basic responses to pain ; they failedto react, for instance, when their paws werepricked with a pin, as opposed to their littermateswho squealed with pain when pricked. On thebasis of experiments such as these, he concludedthat much of what we call pain, including theunpleasant emotional response, was learnedrather than instinctive. Other experiments withhuman beings, involving hypnosis and placebos,have also demonstrated that in many cases thehigher brain functions can overrule the painsignals from the lower stages on the painpathway. This indicates how the mind can often

determine how we perceive pain and helpsexplain the interesting findings of investigatorssuch as Dr. Richard Sternback and BernardTursky at Harvard Medical School (and laterreaffirmed in a study by Dr. Maryann Bates etal.) who noted that there were significantdifferences among different ethnic groups in theirability to perceive and withstand pain.So it seems that the assertion that our attitudeabout pain can influence the degree to which wesuffer is not simply based on philosophicalspeculation but is backed up by scientificevidence. And if our investigation into themeaning and value of pain results in a change ofattitude about pain, our efforts will not bewasted. In seeking to discover an underlyingpurpose of our pain, Dr. Brand makes oneadditional fascinating and critical observation. He

describes many reports of leprosy patients’claiming, “Of course, I can see my hands and myfeet, but somehow they don’t feel like part of me.It feels as if they are just tools.” Thus, pain notonly warns us and protects us, but it unifies us.Without pain sensation in our hands or feet, thoseparts no longer seem to belong to our body.In the same way that physical pain unifies oursense of having a body, we can conceive of thegeneral experience of suffering acting as aunifying force that connects us with others.Perhaps that is the ultimate meaning behind oursuffering. It is our suffering that is the mostbasic element that we share with others, thefactor that unifies us with all living creatures.

We conclude our discussion of human sufferingwith the Dalai Lama’s instruction on the practiceof Tong-Len, which he referred to in our earlierconversation. As he will explain, the purpose ofthis visualization meditation is to strengthen one’scompassion. But it can also be seen as apowerful tool in helping transmute one’s personalsuffering. When undergoing any form of sufferingor hardship, one can use this practice to enhanceone’s compassion by visualizing relieving otherswho are going through similar suffering, byabsorbing and dissolving their suffering into yourown—a kind of suffering by proxy.The Dalai Lama presented this instructionbefore a large audience on a particularly hotSeptember afternoon in Tucson. The hall’s airconditioning units, struggling against the soaring

desert temperatures outside, were ultimatelyovercome by the additional heat generated bysixteen hundred bodies. Temperatures in theroom began to climb, creating a general level ofdiscomfort that was particularly appropriate forthe practice of a meditation on suffering.

The Practice of Tong-Len“This afternoon, let us meditate on the practice ofTong-Len, ‘Giving and Receiving.’ This practiceis meant to help train the mind, to strengthen thenatural power and force of compassion. This isachieved because Tong-Len meditation helpscounteract our selfishness. It increases the powerand strength of our mind by enhancing ourcourage to open ourselves to others’ suffering.“To begin this exercise, first visualize on oneside of you a group of people who are indesperate need of help, those who are in anunfortunate state of suffering, those living underconditions of poverty, hardship, and pain.Visualize this group of people on one side of you

clearly in your mind. Then, on the other side,visualize yourself as the embodiment of a selfcenteredperson, with a customary selfishattitude, indifferent to the well-being and needs ofothers. And then in between this suffering groupof people and this selfish representation of yousee yourself in the middle, as a neutral observer.“Next, notice which side you are naturallyinclined towards. Are you more inclined towardsthat single individual, the embodiment ofselfishness? Or do your natural feelings ofempathy reach out to the group of weakerpeople who are in need? If you look objectively,you can see that the well-being of a group orlarge number of individuals is more importantthan that of one single individual.“After that, focus your attention on the needyand desperate people. Direct all your positive

energy to them. Mentally give them yoursuccesses, your resources, your collection ofvirtues. And after you have done that, visualizetaking upon yourself their suffering, theirproblems, and all their negativities.“For example, you can visualize an innocentstarving child from Somalia and feel how youwould respond naturally towards that sight. Inthis instance, when you experience a deep feelingof empathy towards the suffering of thatindividual, it isn’t based on considerationslike‘He’s my relative’ or ’She’s my friend.‘ Youdon’t even know that person. But the fact thatthe other person is a human being and you,yourself, are a human being allows your naturalcapacity for empathy to emerge and enable youto reach out. So you can visualize something likethat and think, ’This child has no capacity of his

or her own to be able to relieve himself or herselffrom his or her present state of difficulty orhardship.‘ Then, mentally take upon yourself allthe suffering of poverty, starvation, and thefeeling of deprivation, and mentally give yourfacilities, wealth, and success to this child. So,through practicing this kind of ’giving-andreceiving’visualization, you can train your mind.“When engaging in this practice it issometimes helpful to begin by first imagining yourown future suffering and, with an attitude ofcompassion, take your own future suffering uponyourself right now, with the sincere wish offreeing yourself from all future suffering. After yougain some practice in generating a compassionatestate of mind towards yourself, you can thenexpand the process to include taking on thesuffering of others.

“When you do the visualization of‘taking uponyourself,’ it is useful to visualize these sufferings,problems, and difficulties in the form ofpoisonous substances, dangerous weapons, orterrifying animals—things the very sight of whichnormally makes you shudder. So, visualize thesuffering in these forms, and then absorb themdirectly into your heart.“The purpose of visualizing these negative andfrightening forms being dissolved into our heartsis to destroy our habitual selfish attitudes thatreside there. However, for those individuals whomay have problems with self-image, self-hatred,anger towards themselves, or low self-esteem,then it is important to judge for themselveswhether this particular practice is appropriate ornot. It may not be.“This Tong-Len practice can become quite

powerful if you combine the‘giving andreceiving’with the breath ; that is, imagine’ receiving’ wheninhaling and’giving’ when exhaling. When you dothis visualization effectively, it will make you feelsome slight discomfort. That is an indication thatit is hitting its target—the self-centered,egocentric attitude that we normally have. Now,let us meditate.”At the conclusion of his instruction on Tong-Len,the Dalai Lama made an important point. Noparticular exercise will appeal to or beappropriate for everyone. In our spiritual journeyit’s important for each of us to decide whether aparticular practice is appropriate for us.

Sometimes a practice will not appeal to usinitially, and before it can be effective, we need tounderstand it better. This certainly was the casefor me when I followed the Dalai Lama’sinstruction on Tong-Len that afternoon. I foundthat I had some difficulty with it—a certain feelingof resistance—although I couldn’t put my fingeron it at the moment. Later that evening, however,I thought about the Dalai Lama’s instruction andrealized that my feeling of resistance developedearly in his instruction at the point where heconcluded that the group of individuals was moreimportant than the single individual. It was aconcept I had heard before, namely, the Vulcanaxiom pro-pounded by Mr. Spock in Star Trek:The needs of the many outweigb the needs ofthe one. But there was one sticking point to thatargument. Before bringing it up to the Dalai

Lama, perhaps not wanting to come across asbeing just “out for number one,” I sounded out afriend who was a longtime student of Buddhism.“One thing bothers me ...,” I said. “Sayingthat the needs of a large group of peopleoutweigh those of just one single person makessense in theory, but in everyday life we don’tinteract with people en masse. We interact withone person at a time, with a series of individuals.Now, on that one-to-one level, why should thatindividual’s needs outweigh my own? I’m also asingle individual ... We’re equal ...”My friend thought for a moment. “Well, that’strue. But I think that if you could try to considereach individual as truly equal to yourself—nomore important but no less either—I think thatwould be enough to start with.”I never brought up the issue with the Dalai

Lama.

Part IVOVERCOMING OBSTACLES

Chapter 12BRINGING ABOUT CHANGE

THE PROCESS OF CHANGEWe’ve discussed the possibility of achievinghappiness by working toward eliminating ournegative behaviors and states of mind. In general,what would be your approach to actuallyaccomplishing this, to overcoming negativebehaviors and making positive changes in one’slife?“ I asked.“The first step involves learning,” the DalaiLama replied, “education. Earlier, I think Imentioned the importance of learning ...” 11“You mean when we talked about theimportance of learning about how the negativeemotions and behaviors are harmful to our pursuit

of happiness, and the positive emotions arehelpful?”“Yes. But in discussing an approach tobringing about positive changes within oneself,learning is only the first step. There are otherfactors as well: conviction, determination, action,and effort. So the next step is developingconviction. Learning and education areimportant because they help one developconviction of the need to change and helpincrease one’s commitment. This conviction tochange then develops into determination.Next, one transforms determination intoaction—the strong determination to changeenables one to make a sustained effort toimplement the actual changes. This final factorof effort is critical.“So, for example, if you are trying to stop

smoking, first you have to be aware that smokingis harmful to the body. You have to be educated.I think, for instance, that information and publiceducation about the harmful effects of smokinghave modified people’s behavior ; I think thatnow many fewer people smoke in Westerncountries than in a communist country like Chinabecause of the availability of information. But thatlearning alone is often not sufficient. You have toincrease that awareness until it leads to a firmconviction about the harmful effects of smoking.This strengthens your determination to change.Finally, you must exert the effort to establish newhabit patterns. This is the way that inner changeand transformation take place in all things, nomatter what you are trying to accomplish.“Now, no matter what behavior you areseeking to change, no matter what particular goal

or action you are directing your efforts towards,you need to start by developing a strongwillingness or wish to do it. You need to generategreat enthusiasm. And, here, a sense of urgencyis a key factor. This sense of urgency is apowerful factor in helping you overcomeproblems. For example, knowledge about theserious effects of AIDS has created a sense ofurgency that has put a check on a lot of people’ssexual behavior. I think that often, once youobtain the proper information, that sense ofseriousness and commitment will come.“So, this sense of urgency can be a vital factorin effecting change. It can give us tremendousenergy. For instance, in a political movement, ifthere is a sense of desperation, there can be atremendous sense of urgency—so much that thepeople may even forget that they are hungry, and

there is no feeling of tiredness or exhaustion inpursuit of their objectives.“The importance of urgency not only appliesto overcoming problems on a personal level, buton a community and global level as well. When Iwas in St. Louis, for instance, I met the governor.There, they had recently had severe flooding. Thegovernor told me that when the flood firsthappened, he was quite concerned that given theindividualistic nature of society, people might notbe so cooperative, that they might not committhemselves to this concerted and cooperativeeffort. But when the crisis happened, he wasamazed by the response of the people. Theywere so cooperative and so committed to theconcerted effort in dealing with the floodproblems that he was very impressed. So to mymind, this shows that in order to accomplish

important goals, we need an appreciation of thesense of urgency, like in this case ; the crisis wasso urgent that people instinctively joined forcesand responded to the crisis. Unfortunately,” hesaid sadly, “often we don’t have that sense ofurgency.”I was surprised to hear him stress theimportance of the sense of urgency given theWestern stereotype of the Asian “Let it be”attitude engendered by a belief in many lifetimes ;if it doesn’t happen now, there’s always next time...“But then the question is, how do you developthat strong sense of enthusiasm to change orurgency in everyday life? Is there a particularBuddhist approach?” I asked.“For a Buddhist practitioner, there are varioustechniques used to generate enthusiasm,” the

Dalai Lama answered. “In order to generate asense of confidence and enthusiasm, we find inthe Buddha’s text a discussion of thepreciousness of human existence. We talk abouthow much potential lies within our body, howmeaningful it can be, the good purposes it can beused for, the benefits and advantages of having ahuman form, and so on. And these discussionsare there to instill a sense of confidence andcourage and to induce a sense of commitment touse our human body in a positive way.“Then, in order to generate a sense of urgencyto engage in spiritual practices, the practitioner isreminded of our impermanence, of death. Whenwe talk about impermanence in this context, weare talking in very conventional terms, not aboutthe more subtle aspects of the concept ofimpermanence. In other words, we are reminded

that one day, we may no longer be here. Thatsort of understanding. That awareness ofimpermanence is encouraged, so that when it iscoupled with our appreciation of the enormouspotential of our human existence, it will give us asense of urgency that we must use everyprecious moment.”“That contemplation of our impermanenceand death seems to be a powerful technique,” Iremarked, “to help motivate one, develop asense of urgency to effect positive changes.Couldn’t that be used as a technique for non-Buddhists as well?”“I think one might take care in the applicationof the various techniques to non-Buddhists,” hesaid thoughtfully. “Perhaps this might apply moreto Buddhist practices. After all,” he laughed, “onecould use the same contemplation for exactly the

opposite purpose—‘Oh, there is no guaranteethat I am going to be alive tomorrow, so I mightas well just have lots of fun today!’ ”“Do you have any suggestions for how non-Buddhists might develop that sense of urgency?”He replied, “Well, as I pointed out, that’swhere information and education come in. Forexample, before I met certain experts orspecialists, I was unaware of the crisis about theenvironment. But once I met them and theyexplained the problems that we are facing, then Ibecame aware of the seriousness of the situation.This can apply to other problems that we face aswell.”“But sometimes, even having information, westill might not have the energy to change. Howcan we overcome that?” I asked.The Dalai Lama paused to think, then said, “I

think that there might be different categories here.One kind may arise out of some biologicalfactors that may be contributing to the apathy orlack of energy. When the cause of one’s apathyor lack of energy is due to biological factors, onemay need to work on one’s lifestyle. So, if onetries to get sufficient sleep, eat a healthy diet,abstain from alcohol, and so on, these kinds ofthings will help make one’s mind more alert. Andin some cases one may even need to resort tomedication or other physical remedies if thecause is due to illness. But then there’s anotherkind of apathy or laziness—the kind that arisespurely out of a certain weakness of mind ...”“Yes, that’s the kind I was referring to ...”“To overcome that kind of apathy and togenerate commitment and enthusiasm toovercome negative behaviors or states of mind,

once again I think the most effective method, andperhaps the only solution, is to be constantlyaware of the destructive effects of the negativebehavior. One may need to repeatedly remindoneself of those destructive effects.”The Dalai Lama’s words rang true, yet as apsychiatrist, I was acutely aware of how stronglyentrenched some negative behaviors and ways ofthinking could become, how difficult it was forsome people to change. Assuming that therewere complex psy chodynamic factors at play, Ihad spent countless hours examining anddissecting patients’ resistance to change. Turningthis over in my mind, I asked:“People often want to make positive changesin their lives, engage in healthier behaviors, andso on. But sometimes there just seems to be asort of inertia or resistance ... How would you

explain how that occurs?”“That’s quite easy ... ,” he began casually.EASY ?“It’s because we simply become habituatedor accustomed to doing things in certain ways.And then, we become sort of spoiled, doing onlythe things that we like to do, that we are used todoing.”“But how can we overcome that?”“By using habituation to our advantage.Through constant familiarity, we candefinitely establish new behavior patterns.Here’s an example : In Dharamsala I usuallywake up and start the day at 3:30, although herein Arizona these days I wake up at 4:30; I getone more hour’s sleep,” he laughed. “At thebeginning you need a little bit of effort to get usedto this, but after a few months, it becomes sort of

a set routine and you don’t need to make anyspecial effort. So even if you were to go to bedlate, you might have a tendency to want a fewmore minutes’ sleep, but you still get up at 3:30without having to give special thought to it, andyou can get up and do your daily practices. Thisis due to the force of habituation.“So, by making a steady effort, I think we canovercome any form of negative conditioning andmake positive changes in our lives. But you stillneed to realize that genuine change doesn’thappen overnight. Now, for example, in my owncase, I think if I compare my normal state ofmind today to, say, twenty or thirty years ago,there’s a big difference. But this difference, Icame to step by step. I started to learn Buddhismaround the age of five or six, but at that time Ihad no interest in Buddhist teachings,” he

laughed, “although I was called the highestreincarnation. I think it wasn’t until I was aroundsixteen years old that I really began to have someserious feeling about Buddhism. And I tried tostart serious practice. Then, over the course ofmany years, I began to develop a deepappreciation of Buddhist principles, andpractices, which initially seemed so impossibleand almost unnatural, became much more naturaland easy to relate to. This occurred throughgradual familiarization. Of course, this processtook more than forty years.“So, you see, deep down, mentaldevelopment takes time. If someone says, ‘Oh,through many years of hardship things havechanged,’ I can take that seriously. There’s agreater likelihood of the changes being genuineand longlasting. If someone says, ‘Oh, within a

short period, say two years, there has been a bigchange,’ I think that is unrealistic.”While the Dalai Lama’s approach to changewas unarguably reasonable, there was one matterthat seemed to need to be reconciled:“Well, you’ve mentioned the need for a highlevel of enthusiasm and determination totransform one’s mind, to make positive changes.Yet at the same time we acknowledge thatgenuine change occurs slowly and can take along time,” I noted. “When change takes place soslowly, it’s easy to become discouraged. Haven’tyou ever felt discouraged by the slow rate ofprogress in relation to your spiritual practice ordiscouragement in other areas of your life?”“Yes, certainly,” he said.“How do you deal with that?” I asked.“As far as my own spiritual practice goes, if I

encounter some obstacles or problems, I findit helpful to stand back and take the longtermview rather than the short-term view. Inthis regard, I find that thinking about oneparticular verse gives me courage and helps mesustain my determination. It says:As long as space enduresAs long as sentient beings remainMay I too liveTo dispel the miseries of the world.“However, as far as the struggle for thefreedom of Tibet is concerned, if I utilize thatkind of belief, those verses—being prepared towait ‘eons and eons ... as long as spaceendures,’ and so on—then ) I think I would befoolish. Here, one needs to take more immediate

or active involvement. Of course, in that situation,the struggle for freedom, when I reflect on thefourteen or fifteen years of effort at negotiationwith no results, when I think about the almostfifteen years of failure, I develop a certain feelingof impatience or frustration. But this feeling offrustration doesn’t discourage me to the point oflosing hope.”Pressing the issue a bit further, I asked, “Butwhat exactly prevents you from losing hope?”“Even in the situation with Tibet, I think thatviewing the situation from a wider perspectivecan definitely help. So, for instance, if I look atthe situation inside Tibet from a narrowperspective, focusing only on that, then thesituation appears almost hopeless. However, if Ilook from a wider perspective, look from aworld perspective, then I see the international

situation in which whole communist andtotalitarian systems are collapsing, where even inChina there’s a democracy movement, and thespirit of Tibetans remains high. So, I don’t giveup.”Given his extensive background and training inBuddhist philosophy and meditation, it isinteresting that the Dalai Lama identifies learningand education as the first step in bringing aboutinternal transformation, rather than moretranscendental or mystical spiritual practices.Although education is commonly acknowledgedas important in learning new skills or securing agood job, its role as a vital factor in achieving

happiness is widely overlooked. Yet studies haveshown that even purely academic education isdirectly linked to a happier life. Numeroussurveys have conclusively found that higher levelsof education have a positive correlation withbetter health and a longer life, and even protectan individual from depression. In trying todetermine the reasons for these beneficial effectsof education, scientists have reasoned that bettereducatedindividuals are more aware of healthrisk factors, are better able to implement healthierlifestyle choices, feel a greater sense ofempowerment and self-esteem, have greaterproblem-solving skills and more effective copingstrategies—all factors that can contribute to ahappier, healthier life. So, if merely academiceducation is associated with a happier life, howmuch more powerful can be the kind of learning

and education spoken of by the Dalai Lama—education that focuses specifically onunderstanding and implementing the full spectrumof factors that lead to lasting happiness?The next step in the Dalai Lama’s path tochange involves generating “determination andenthusiasm.” This step is also widely accepted bycontemporary Western science as an importantfactor in achieving one’s goals. In one study, forinstance, educational psychologist BenjaminBloom examined the lives of some of America’smost accomplished artists, athletes, andscientists. He discovered that drive anddetermination, not great natural talent, led to theirsuccess in their respective fields. As in any otherfield, one could assume that this principle wouldequally apply to the art of achieving happiness.Behavioral scientists have extensively

esearched the mechanisms that initiate, sustain,and direct our activities, referring to this field asthe study of “human motivation.” Psychologistshave identified three principle types of motives.The first type, primary motives, are drivesbased on biological needs that must be met forsurvival. This would include, for example, needsfor food, water, and air. Another category ofmotives involves a human being’s need forstimulation and information. Investigatorshypothesize that this is an innate need, requiredfor proper maturation, development, andfunctioning of the nervous system. The finalcategory, called secondary motives, are motivesbased on learned needs and drives. Manysecondary motives are related to acquired needsfor success, power, status, or achievement. Atthis level of motivation, one’s behavior and drives

can be influenced by social forces and shaped bylearning. It is at this stage that the theories ofmodern psychology meet with the Dalai Lama’sconception of developing “determination andenthusiasm.” In the Dalai Lama’s system,however, the drive and determination generatedare not used only in the pursuit of worldlysuccess but develop as one gains a clearerunderstanding of the factors that lead to truehappiness and are used in the pursuit of highergoals, such as kindness, compassion, andspiritual development.“Effort” is the final factor in bringing aboutchange. The Dalai Lama identifies effort as anecessary factor in establishing new conditioning.The idea that we can change our negativebehaviors and thoughts through new conditioningis not only shared by Western psychologists, but

it is in fact the cornerstone of contemporarybehavior therapy. This kind of therapy is basedon the basic theory that people have largelylearned to be the way they are, and, by offeringstrategies to create new conditioning, behaviortherapy has proven to be effective for a broadrange of problems.While science has recently revealed that one’sgenetic predisposition clearly plays a role in anindividual’s characteristic way of responding tothe world, most social scientists andpsychologists feel that a large measure of the waywe behave, think, and feel is determined bylearning and conditioning, which comes about asa result of our upbringing and the social andcultural forces around us. And since it is believedthat behaviors are largely established byconditioning, and reinforced and amplified by

“habituation,” this opens up the possibility, as theDalai Lama contends, of extinguishing harmful ornegative conditioning and replacing it with helpful,life-enhancing conditioning.Making a sustained effort to change externalbehavior is not only helpful in overcoming badhabits but also can change our underlyingattitudes and feelings. Experiments have shownthat not only do our attitudes and psychologicaltraits determine our behavior, an idea that iscommonly accepted, but our behavior can alsochange our attitudes. Investigators found thateven an artificially induced frown or smile tendsto induce the corresponding emotions of anger orhappiness ; this suggests that just “going throughthe motions” and repeatedly engaging in apositive behavior can eventually bring aboutgenuine internal change. This could have

important implications in the Dalai Lama’sapproach to building a happier life. If we beginwith the simple act of regularly helping others, forinstance, even if we don’t feel particularly kind orcaring, we may discover an inner transformationis taking place, as we very gradually developgenuine feelings of compassion.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONSIn bringing about genuine inner transformationand change, the Dalai Lama emphasizes theimportance of making a sustained effort. It is agradual process. This is in sharp contrast to theproliferation of “quick fix” self-help techniquesand therapies that have become so popular inWestern culture in recent decades—techniquesranging from “positive affirmations” to“discovering your inner child.”The Dalai Lama’s approach points towardslow growth and maturity. He believes in thetremendous, perhaps even unlimited, power ofthe mind—but a mind that has beensystematically trained, focused, concentrated, a

mind tempered by years of experience and soundreasoning. It takes a long time to develop thebehavior and habits of mind that contribute to ourproblems. It takes an equally long time toestablish the new habits that bring happiness.There is no getting around these essentialingredients: determination, effort, and time. Theseare the real secrets to happiness.When embarking on the path to change, it isimportant to set reasonable expectations. If ourexpectations are too high, we’re setting ourselvesup for disappointment. If they are too low, itextinguishes our willingness to challenge ourlimitations and achieve our true potential.Following our conversation about the process ofchange, the Dalai Lama explained:“You should never lose sight of theimportance of having a realistic attitude—of being

very sensitive and respectful to the concretereality of your situation as you proceed on thepath towards your ultimate goal. Recognize thedifficulties inherent in your path, and the fact thatit may take time and a consistent effort. It’simportant to make a clear distinction in your mindbetween your ideals and the standards by whichyou judge your progress. As a Buddhist, forinstance, you set your ideals very high: fullEnlightenment is your ultimate expectation.Holding full Enlightenment as your ideal ofachievement is not an extreme. But expecting toachieve it quickly, here and now, becomes anextreme. Using that as a standard instead ofyour ideal causes you to become discouragedand completely lose hope when you don’tquickly achieve Enlightenment. So you need arealistic approach. On the other hand, if you say,

‘I’m just going to focus on the here and now ;that’s the practical thing, and I don’t care aboutthe future or the ultimate attainment of Buddhahood,’then again, that is another extreme. So weneed to find an approach that is somewhere inbetween. We need to find a balance.“Dealing with expectations is really a trickyissue. If you have excessive expectations withouta proper foundation, then that usually leads toproblems. On the other hand, withoutexpectation and hope, without aspiration, therecan be no progress. Some hope is essential. Sofinding the proper balance is not easy. One needsto judge each situation on the spot.”I still had nagging doubts ; although we maycertainly modify some of our negative behaviorsand attitudes given enough time and effort, towhat extent is it truly possible to eradicate the

negative emotions? Addressing the Dalai Lama, Ibegan, “We’ve spoken about the fact thatultimate happiness depends on eliminating ournegative behaviors and mental states—things likeanger, hatred, greed, and so on...”The Dalai Lama nodded.“But these kinds of emotions seem to be anatural part of our psychological makeup. Allhuman beings seem to experience these darkeremotions to one degree or another. And if that’sthe case, is it reasonable to hate, deny, andcombat part of ourselves? I mean, it seemsimpractical, and even unnatural, to try tocompletely eradicate something that is an integralpart of our natural makeup.”Shaking his head, the Dalai Lama replied,“Yes, some people suggest that anger, hatred,and other negative emotions are a natural part of

our mind. They feel that since these are a naturalpart of our makeup, there is no way to reallychange these mental states. But that is wrong.Now, for example, all of us are born in anignorant state. In this sense, ignorance is alsoquite natural. Anyway, when we are young, weare quite ignorant. But as we grow, day by daythrough education and learning we can acquireknowledge and dispel ignorance. However, if weleave ourselves in an ignorant state withoutconsciously developing our learning, we won’t beable to dispel ignorance. So, if we leaveourselves in a ‘natural state’ without making aneffort to dispel it, then the opposing factors orforces of education and learning do not comenaturally. And in the same way, through propertraining we can gradually reduce our negativeemotions and increase positive states of mind

such as love, compassion, and forgiveness.”“But if these things are a part of our psyche,ultimately how can we be successful in fightingagainst something which is part of ourselves?”“In considering how to fight against thenegative emotions, it is useful to know how thehuman mind works,” answered the Dalai Lama.“Now the human mind is of course very complex.But it is also very skillful. It can find many ways inwhich it can deal with a variety of situations andconditions. For one thing, the mind has the abilityto adopt different perspectives through which itcan address various problems.“Within Buddhist practice, this ability to adoptdifferent perspectives is utilized in a number ofmeditations in which you mentally isolate differentaspects of yourself, then engage in a dialoguebetween them. For instance, there is a meditation

practice designed to enhance altruism, wherebyyou engage in a dialogue between your own‘self-centered attitude,’ a self that is theembodiment of self-centeredness, and yourself asa spiritual practitioner. There is a kind of adialogical relationship. So similarly here, althoughnegative traits such as hatred and anger are partof your mind, you can engage in an endeavor inwhich you take your anger and hatred as anobject and do combat with it.“In addition, from your own daily experience,you often find yourself in situations in which youblame or criticize yourself. You say, ‘Oh, on suchand such day, I let myself down.’ Then youcriticize yourself. Or, you blame yourself fordoing something wrong or for not doingsomething, and you feel angry towards yourself.So here also, you engage in a kind of dialogue

with yourself. In reality, there are not two distinctselves; it’s just the one continuum of the sameindividual. But still, it makes sense to criticizeyourself, to feel angry towards yourself. This issomething that you all know from your ownexperience.“So although, in reality, there is only onesingle individual continuum, you can adopt twodifferent perspectives. What takes place whenyou are criticizing yourself? The ‘self’ that iscriticizing is done from a perspective of yourselfas a totality, your entire being, and the ’self’ thatis being criticized is a self from a perspective of aparticular experience or a particular event. Soyou can see the possibility of having this ‘self-toselfrelationship.’“To expand on this point, it may be quitehelpful to reflect upon the various aspects of

one’s own personal identity. Let us take theexample of a Tibetan Buddhist monk. Thatindividual can have a sense of personalizedidentity from the perspective of his being a monk,‘myself as a monk.’ And then he can also have alevel of personal identity that is not so muchbased upon his consideration of monkhood butrather of his ethnic origin, like Tibetan, so he cansay, ‘I as a Tibetan.’ And then at another level,that person can have another identity in whichmonkhood and ethnic origin may not play anyimportant role. He can think, ‘I as a humanbeing.’ So you can see different perspectiveswithin each person’s individual identity.“What this indicates is that when weconceptually relate to something, we are capableof looking at one phenomenon from manydifferent angles. And the capacity to see things

from different angles is quite selective ; we canfocus on a particular angle, a particular aspect ofthat phenomenon, and adopt a particularperspective. This capacity becomes veryimportant when we seek to identify and eliminatecertain negative aspects of ourselves or enhancepositive traits. Because of this capacity toadopt a different perspective, we can isolateparts of ourselves that we seek to eliminateand do battle with them.“Now, in further examining this subject, a veryimportant question arises: Although we mayengage in combat with anger, hatred, and theother negative states of mind, what guarantee orassurance do we have that it is possible to gainvictory over them?“When speaking of these negative states ofmind, I should point out that I am referring to

what are called Nyon Mong in Tibetan, orKlesha in Sanskrit. This term literally means ‘thatwhich afflicts from within.’ That’s a long term, soit is often translated as ‘delusions.’ The veryetymology of the Tibetan word Nyon Monggives you a sense that it is an emotional andcognitive event that spontaneously afflicts yourmind, destroys your peace of mind, or bringsabout a disturbance within your psyche when itarises. If we pay close enough attention, it’s easyto recognize the afflictive nature of these‘delusions’ simply because they have thistendency to destroy our calmness and presenceof mind. But it’s much more difficult to find outwhether we can overcome them. That is aquestion that directly relates to the whole idea ofwhether it is possible to attain the full realizationof our spiritual potential. And that is a very

serious and difficult question.“So, what grounds do we have to accept thatthese afflictive emotions and cognitive events, or‘delusions,’ can be ultimately rooted out andeliminated from our minds? In Buddhist thought,we have three principal premises or grounds onwhich we believe that that can happen.“The first premise is that all ‘deluded’ statesof mind, all afflictive emotions and thoughts, areessentially distorted, in that they are rooted inmisperceiving the actual reality of the situation.No matter how powerful, deep down thesenegative emotions have no valid foundation. Theyare based on ignorance. On the other hand, allthe positive emotions or states of mind, such aslove, compassion, insight, and so on have a solidbasis. When the mind is experiencing thesepositive states, there is no distortion. In addition,

these positive factors are grounded in reality.They can be verified by our own experience.There is a kind of grounding and rootedness inreason and understanding; this is not the casewith afflictive emotions like anger and hatred. Ontop of that, all these positive states of mind havethe quality that you can enhance their capacityand increase their potential to a limitless degree, ifyou regularly practice them through training andconstant familiarity ...”I interrupted, “Can you explain a bit morewhat you mean by the positive states of mindhaving a ‘valid basis,’ and the negative states ofmind having ‘no valid basis’?”He clarified, “Well, for example, compassionis considered a positive emotion. In generatingcompassion, you start by recognizing that you donot want suffering and that you have a right to

have happiness. This can be verified or validatedby your own experience. You then recognize thatother people, just like yourself, also do not wantto suffer and they have the right to havehappiness. This becomes the basis of yourbeginning to generate compassion.“Essentially, there are two kinds of emotionsor states of mind: positive and negative. One wayof categorizing these emotions is in terms ofunderstanding that the positive emotions arethose which can be justified, and the negativeemotions are those which cannot be justified. Forinstance, earlier we discussed the topic of desire,how there can be positive desires and negativedesires. Desire for one’s basic necessities to bemet is a positive kind of desire. It is justifiable. Itis based on the fact that we all exist and have theright to survive. And in order to survive, there are

certain things that we require, certain needs thathave to be met. So that kind of desire has a validfoundation. And, as we discussed, there areother types of desire that are negative, likeexcessive desire and greed. Those kinds ofdesires are not based on valid reasons, and oftenjust create trouble and complicate one’s life.Those kinds of desires are simply based on afeeling of discontentment, of wanting more, eventhough the things we want aren’t really necessary.Those kinds of desires have no solid reasonsbehind them. So, in this way we can say that thepositive emotions have a firm and validfoundation, and the negative emotions lack thisvalid foundation.”

The Dalai Lama continued his examination of thehuman mind, dissecting the workings of the mindwith the same scrutiny that a botanist might use inclassifying species of rare flowers.“Now this brings us to the second premise onwhich we base the claim that our negativeemotions can be rooted out and eliminated. Thispremise is based on the fact that our positivestates of mind can act as antidotes to ournegative tendencies and delusory states ofmind. So, the second premise is that as youenhance the capacity of these antidotalfactors, the greater their force, the more youwill be able to reduce the force of the mentaland emotional afflictions, the more you will beable to reduce the influences and effects of these

things.“When talking about eliminating negativestates of mind, there is one point that should beborn in mind. Within Buddhist practice, thecultivation of certain specific positive mentalqualities such as patience, tolerance, kindness,and so on can act as specific antidotes tonegative states of mind such as anger, hatred, andattachment. Applying antidotes such as love andcompassion can significantly reduce the degree orinfluence of the mental and emotional afflictions,but since they seek to eliminate only certainspecific or individual afflictive emotions, in somesense they can be seen as only partial measures.These afflictive emotions, such as attachment andhatred, are ultimately rooted in ignorance—misconception of the true nature of reality.Therefore, there seems to be a consensus among

all Buddhist traditions that in order to fullyovercome all of these negative tendencies, onemust apply the antidote to ignorance—the‘Wisdom factor. ’This is indispensable. The‘Wisdom factor’ involves generating insight intothe true nature of reality.“So, within the Buddhist tradition, we not onlyhave specific antidotes for specific states of mind,for example, patience and tolerance act asspecific antidotes to anger and hatred, but wealso have a general antidote—insight into theultimate nature of reality—that acts as an antidoteto all of the negative states of mind. It is similarto getting rid of a poisonous plant: you caneliminate the harmful effects by cutting off thespecific branches and leaves, or you caneliminate the entire plant by going to the root anduprooting it.”

Concluding his discussion about the possibility ofeliminating our negative mental states, the DalaiLama explained, “The third premise is that theessential nature of mind is pure. It is based on thebelief that the underlying basic subtleconsciousness is untainted by the negativeemotions. Its nature is pure, a state which isreferred to as the ‘mind of Clear Light.’ Thatbasic nature of the mind is also called BuddhaNature. So, since the negative emotions are notan intrinsic part of this Buddha Nature, there is apossibility to eliminate them and purify the mind.“So it is on these three premises that

Buddhism accepts that the mental and emotionalafflictions ultimately can be eliminated throughdeliberately cultivating antidotal forces like love,compassion, tolerance, and forgiveness, andthrough various practices such as meditation.”The idea that the underlying nature of the mindis pure and we have the capacity to completelyeliminate our negative patterns of thinking was atopic that I had heard the Dalai Lama speak ofbefore. He had compared the mind to a glass ofmuddy water ; the afflictive mental states werelike the “impurities” or the mud, which could beremoved to reveal the underlying “pure’ nature ofthe water. This seemed a little abstract, somoving on to more practical concerns, Iinterrupted.“Let’s say that one accepts the possibility ofeliminating one’s negative emotions, and even

egins to take steps in that direction. From ourdiscussions, however, I sense that it would taketremendous effort to eradicate this dark side—tremendous study, contemplation, constantapplication of antidotal factors, intensivemeditation practices, and so on. That might beappropriate for a monk or someone who candevote a lot of time and attention to thesepractices. But what about an ordinary person,with a family and so on, who may not have thetime or opportunity to practice these intensivetechniques? For them, wouldn’t it be moreappropriate to simply try to control their afflictiveemotions, to learn to live with them and managethem properly, rather than to try to completelyeradicate them? It’s like patients with diabetes.They may not have the means of a completecure, but by watching their diet, taking insulin,

and so on, they can control the disease andprevent the symptoms and the negative sequelaeof the disease.”“Yes, that’s the way!” he enthusiasticallyresponded. “I agree with you. Whatever steps,however small, one can take toward learning toreduce the influence of the negative emotions canbe very helpful. It can definitely help one live ahappier and more satisfying life. However, it isalso possible for a layperson to attain high levelsof spiritual realization—someone who has a job,a family, a sexual relationship with one’s spouse,and so on. And not only that, but there have beenpeople who didn’t start serious practice until laterin life, when they were in their forties, fifties, oreven eighties, and yet they were able to becomegreat highly realized masters.”“Have you personally met many individuals

who you feel may have achieved these highstates?” I inquired.“I think that’s very, very difficult to judge. Ithink that true sincere practitioners never showoff these things.” He laughed.Many in the West turn to religious beliefs as asource of happiness, yet the Dalai Lama’sapproach is fundamentally different from manyWestern religions in that it relies more heavily onreasoning and training the mind than on faith. Insome respects, the Dalai Lama’s approachresembles a mind science, a system that onecould apply in much the same way as peopleutilize psychotherapy. But what the Dalai Lama

suggests goes further. While we’re used to theidea of using psychotherapeutic techniques suchas behavior therapy to attack specific bad habits—smoking, drinking, temper flares—we are notaccustomed to cultivating positive attributes—love, compassion, patience, generosity—asweapons against all negative emotions and mentalstates. The Dalai Lama’s method for achievinghappiness is based on the revolutionary idea thatnegative mental states are not an intrinsic part ofour minds ; they are transient obstacles thatobstruct the expression of our underlying naturalstate of joy and happiness.Most traditional schools of Westernpsychotherapy tend to focus on adjusting toone’s neurosis rather than a complete overhaul ofone’s entire outlook. They explore theindividual’s personal history, relationships, day-

to-day experiences (including dreams andfantasies), and even the relationship with thetherapist in an attempt to resolve the patient’sinternal conflicts, unconscious motives, andpsychological dynamics that may be contributingto his or her problems and unhappiness. The goalis to achieve healthier coping strategies,adjustment, and amelioration of symptoms, ratherthan directly training the mind to be happy.The most distinguishing feature of the DalaiLama’s method of training the mind involves theidea that positive states of mind can act asdirect antidotes to negative states of mind. Inlooking for parallels to this approach in modernbehavioral science, cognitive therapy perhapscomes closest. This form of psychotherapy hasbecome increasingly popular over the past fewdecades and has been proven to be very

effective in treating a wide variety of commonproblems, particularly mood disorders such asdepression and anxiety. Modern cognitivetherapy, developed by psychotherapists such asDr. Albert Ellis and Dr. Aaron Beck, is based onthe idea that our upsetting emotions andmaladaptive behaviors are caused by distortionsin thinking and irrational beliefs. The therapyfocuses on helping the patient systematicallyidentify, examine, and correct these distortions inthinking. The corrective thoughts, in a sense,become an antidote to the distorted thinkingpatterns that are the source of the patient’ssuffering.For example, a person is rejected by anotherand responds with excessive feelings of hurt. Thecognitive therapist first helps the person identifythe underlying irrational belief: for example, “I

must be loved and approved of by almost everysignificant person in my life at all times, or if notit’s horrible and I’m unworthy.” The therapistthen presents the person with evidence thatchallenges this unrealistic belief. Although thisapproach may seem superficial, many studieshave shown that cognitive therapy works. Indepression, for instance, cognitive therapistsargue that it is one’s negative self-defeatingthoughts that underlie the depression. In much thesame way that Buddhists view all afflictiveemotions as distorted, cognitive therapists viewthese negative depression-generating thoughts as“essentially distorted.” In depression, thinking canbecome distorted by viewing events in all-ornothingterms or overgen eralizing (e.g., if youlose a job or fail a class, you automatically think,“I’m a total failure!”) or by selectively perceiving

only certain events (e.g., three good things andtwo bad things may happen in one day, but thedepressed person ignores the good and focusesonly on the bad). So in treating the depression,with the help of the therapist the patient isencouraged to monitor the automatic arising ofnegative thoughts (e.g., “I’m completelyworthless”) and actively correct these distortedthoughts by gathering information and evidencethat contradict or disprove it (e.g., “I haveworked hard to raise two children,” “I have atalent for singing,” “I have been a good friend,” “Ihave held down a difficult job,” etc.).Investigators have proven that by replacing thesedistorted modes of thinking with accurateinformation, one can bring about a change inone’s feelings and improve one’s mood.The very fact that we can change our

emotions and counteract negative thoughts byapplying alternative ways of thinking lendssupport to the Dalai Lama’s position that we canovercome our negative mental states through theapplication of the “antidotes,” or thecorresponding positive mental states. And whenthis fact is combined with recent scientificevidence that we can change the structure andfunction of the brain by cultivating new thoughts,then the idea that we can achieve happinessthrough training of the mind seems a very realpossibility.

Chapter 13DEALING WITH ANGER ANDHATREDIf one comes across a person who has been shot by

an arrow, one doesnot spend time wondering about where the arrowcame from, or thecaste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing whattype of wood theshaft is made of, or the manner in which thearrowhead was fashioned.Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling outthe arrow.—Shakyamuni, the BuddhaWe turn now to some of the “arrows,” thenegative states of mind that destroy ourhappiness, and their corresponding antidotes. All

negative mental states act as obstacles to ourhappiness, but we begin with anger, which seemsto be one of the biggest blocks. It is described bythe Stoic philosopher Seneca as “the mosthideous and frenzied of all the emotions.” Thedestructive effects of anger and hatred have beenwell documented by recent scientific studies. Ofcourse, one doesn’t need scientific evidence torealize how these emotions can cloud ourjudgment, cause feelings of extreme discomfort,or wreak havoc in our personal relationships.Our personal experience can tell us that. But inrecent years, great inroads have been made indocumenting the harmful physical effects of angerand hostility. Dozens of studies have shown theseemotions to be a significant cause of disease andpremature death. Investigators such as Dr.Redford Williams at Duke University and Dr.

Robert Sapolsky at Stanford University haveconducted studies that demonstrate that anger,rage, and hostility are particularly damaging to thecardiovascular system. So much evidence hasmounted about the harmful effects of hostility, infact, that it is now considered a major risk factorin heart disease, at least equal to, or perhapsgreater than, the traditionally recognized riskfactors such as high cholesterol or high bloodpressure.So, once we accept the harmful effects ofanger and hatred, the next question becomes:how do we overcome it?On my first day as a psychiatric consultant toa treatment facility, I was being shown to my newoffice by a staff member when I heard bloodcurdlingscreams reverberating down the hall ...“I’m angry...”

“Louder!”“I’M ANGRY!”“LOUDER! SHOW IT TO ME. LET MESEE IT!”“I’M ANGRY!! I’M ANGRY!! I HATEYOU!!! I HATE YOU!!”It was truly frightening. I remarked to the staffmember that it sounded as if there was a crisisthat needed urgent attention.“Don’t worry about it,” she laughed. “They’rejust having a group therapy session down the hall—helping the patient get in touch with her anger.”Later that day, I met with the patient privately.She appeared drained.“I feel so relaxed,” she said, “that therapysession really worked. I feel as if I’ve gotten allmy anger out.”In our next session the following day,

however, the patient reported, “Well, I guess Ididn’t get all my anger out after all. Right after Ileft here yesterday, as I was pulling out of theparking lot some jerk almost cut me off ... and Iwas furious! And I kept cursing that jerk undermy breath all the way home. I guess I still need afew more of those anger sessions to get the restof it out.”In setting out to conquer anger and hatred, theDalai Lama begins by investigating the nature ofthese destructive emotions.“Generally speaking,” he explained, “there are

many different kinds of afflictive or negativeemotions, such as conceit, arrogance, jealousy,desire, lust, closed-mindedness, and so on. Butout of all these, hatred and anger are consideredto be the greatest evils because they are thegreatest obstacles to developing compassion andaltruism, and they destroy one’s virtue andcalmness of mind.“In thinking about anger, there can be twotypes. One type of anger can be positive. Thiswould be mainly due to one’s motivation. Therecan be some anger that is motivated bycompassion or a sense of responsibility. Whereanger is motivated by compassion, it can be usedas an impetus or a catalyst for a positive action.Under these circumstances, a human emotion likeanger can act as a force to bring about swiftaction. It creates a kind of energy that enables an

individual to act quickly and decisively. It can bea powerful motivating factor. So, sometimes thatkind of anger can be positive. All too often,however, even though that kind of anger can actas a kind of protector and bring one extraenergy, that energy is also blind, so it is uncertainwhether it will become constructive or destructivein the end.“So, even though under rare circumstancessome kinds of anger can be positive, generallyspeaking, anger leads to ill feeling and hatred.And, as far as hatred is concerned, it is neverpositive. It has no benefit at all. It is always totallynegative.“We cannot overcome anger and hatredsimply by suppressing them. We need to activelycultivate the antidotes to hatred: patience andtolerance. Following the model that we spoke of

earlier, in order for you to be able to successfullycultivate patience and tolerance you need togenerate enthusiasm, a strong desire to seek it.The stronger your enthusiasm, the greater yourability to withstand the hardships that youencounter in the process. When you are engagedin the practice of patience and tolerance, inreality, what is happening is you are engaged in acombat with hatred and anger. Since it is asituation of combat, you seek victory, but youalso have to be prepared for the possibility oflosing that battle. So while you are engaged incombat, you should not lose sight of the fact thatin the process, you will confront many problems.You should have the ability to withstand thesehardships. Someone who gains victory overhatred and anger through such an arduousprocess is a true hero.

“It is with this in mind that we generate thisstrong enthusiasm. Enthusiasm results fromlearning about and reflecting upon the beneficialeffects of tolerance and patience, and thedestructive and negative effects of anger andhatred. And that very act, that very realization initself, will create an affinity towards feelings oftolerance and patience and make you feel morecautious and wary of angry and hateful thoughts.Usually, we don’t bother much about anger orhatred, so it just comes. But once we develop acautious attitude towards these emotions, thatreluctant attitude itself can act as a preventativemeasure against anger or hatred.“The destructive effects of hatred are veryvisible, very obvious and immediate. Forexample, when a very strong or forceful thoughtof hatred arises within you, at that very instant, it

totally overwhelms you and destroys your peaceof mind; your presence of mind disappearscompletely. When such intense anger and hatredarises, it obliterates the best part of your brain,which is the ability to judge between right andwrong, and the long-term and short-termconsequences of your actions. Your power ofjudgment becomes totally inoperable; it can nolonger function. It is almost like you have becomeinsane. So, this anger and hatred tends to throwyou into a state of confusion, which just serves tomake your problems and difficulties so muchworse.“Even at the physical level, hatred bringsabout a very ugly, unpleasant physicaltransformation of the individual. At the veryinstant when strong feelings of anger or hatredarise, no matter how hard the person tries to

pretend or adopt a dignified pose, it is veryobvious that the person’s face looks contortedand ugly. There is a very unpleasant expression,and the person gives out a very hostile vibration.Other people can sense it. It is almost as if theycan feel steam coming out of that person’s body.So much so, that not only are human beingscapable of sensing it, but even animals, pets,would try to avoid the person at that instant.Also, when a person harbors hateful thoughts,they tend to collect inside the person, and thiscan cause things like loss of appetite, loss ofsleep, and certainly make the person feel moretense and uptight.“For reasons such as these, hatred iscompared to an enemy. This internal enemy, thisinner enemy, has no other function than causingus harm. It is our true enemy, our ultimate enemy.

It has no other function than simply destroying us,both in the immediate term and in the long term.“This is very different from an ordinaryenemy. Although an ordinary enemy, a personwhom we regard as an enemy, may engage inactivities that are harmful to us, at least he or shehas other functions ; that person has got to eat,and that person has got to sleep. So he or shehas many other functions and therefore cannotdevote twenty-four hours a day of his or herexistence to this project of destroying us. On theother hand, hatred has no other function, no otherpurpose, than destroying us. So, by realizing thisfact, we should resolve that we will never give anopportunity for this enemy, hatred, to arise withinus.”“In dealing with anger, what do you thinkabout some of the methods of Western

psychotherapy, which encourage expressingone’s anger?”“Here, I think we have to understand thatthere may be different situations,” the Dalai Lamaexplained. “In some cases, people harbor strongfeelings of anger and hurt based on somethingdone to them in the past, an abuse or whatever,and that feeling is kept bottled up. There is aTibetan expression that says that if there is anysickness in the conch shell, you can clear it byblowing it out. In other words, if anything isblocking the conch shell, just blow it out, and itwill be clear. So similarly here, it is possible toimagine a situation in which, due to the bottling upof certain emotions or certain feelings of anger, itmay be better to just let it out and express it.“However, I believe that generally speaking,anger and hatred are the type of emotions which,

if you leave them unchecked or unattended, tendto aggravate and keep on increasing. If yousimply get more and more used to letting themhappen and just keep expressing them, thisusually results in their growth, not their reduction.So, I feel that the more you adopt a cautiousattitude and actively try to reduce the level oftheir force, the better it is.”“So, if you feel that expressing or releasingour anger isn’t the answer, then what is?” Iinquired.“Now, first of all, feelings of anger and hatredarise from a mind that is troubled bydissatisfaction and discontent. So you canprepare ahead of time by constantly workingtoward building inner contentment and cultivatingkindness and compassion. This brings about acertain calmness of mind that can help prevent

anger from arising in the first place. And thenwhen a situation does arise that makes you angry,you should directly confront your anger andanalyze it. Investigate what factors have given riseto that particular instance of anger or hatred.Then, analyze further, seeing whether it is anappropriate response and especially whether it isconstructive or destructive. And you make aneffort to exert a certain inner discipline andrestraint, actively combating it by applying theantidotes: counteracting these negative emotionswith thoughts of patience and tolerance.”The Dalai Lama paused, then with hiscustomary pragmatism, added, “Of course, inworking towards overcoming anger and hatred,at the initial stage you may still experience thesenegative emotions. But there are different levels ;if it’s a mild degree of anger, then at that moment

you can attempt to directly confront it andcombat it. However, if it’s a very strong negativeemotion that develops, then, at that moment, itmight be very difficult to challenge or to face it. Ifthat is the case, then at that moment it may bebest to simply try to forget about it. Think ofsomething else. Once your mind is a little bitcalmed down, then you can analyze; you canreason.” In other words, I reflected, he wassaying, “Take a time out.”He went on. “In seeking to eliminate angerand hatred, the intentional cultivation of patienceand tolerance is indispensable. You couldconceive of the value and importance of patienceand tolerance in these terms: Insofar as thedestructive effects of angry and hateful thoughtsare concerned, you cannot get protection fromthese from wealth. Even if you are a millionaire,

you are still subject to the destructive effects ofanger and hatred. Nor can education alone giveyou a guarantee that you will be protected fromthese effects. Similarly, the law cannot give yousuch guarantees or protection. Even nuclearweapons, no matter how sophisticated thedefense system may be, cannot give you theprotection or defense from these effects ...”The Dalai Lama paused to gather momentum,then concluded in a clear, firm voice, “The onlyfactor that can give you refuge or protectionfrom the destructive effects of anger andhatred is your practice of tolerance andpatience.”

Once again, the Dalai Lama’s traditional wisdomis completely consistent with the scientific data.Dr. Dolf Zillmann at the University of Alabamahas conducted experiments demonstrating thatangry thoughts tend to create a state ofphysiological arousal that makes us even moreprone to anger. Anger builds on anger, and asour state of arousal increases, we are more easilytriggered by anger-provoking environmentalstimuli.If left unchecked, anger tends to escalate. So,how do we go about diffusing our anger? As theDalai Lama suggests, giving vent to anger andrage has very limited benefits. The therapeuticexpression of anger as a means of catharsisseems to have originated from Freud’s theoriesof emotion, which he saw as operating on ahydraulic model: when pressure builds, it must be

eleased. The idea of getting rid of our anger bygiving vent to it has some dramatic appeal and ina way might even sound like fun, but the problemis that this method simply does not work. Manystudies over the past four decades haveconsistently shown that the verbal and physicalexpression of our anger does nothing to dispel itand just makes things worse. Dr. AaronSiegman, a psychologist and anger researcher atthe University of Maryland, believes, for instance,that it is just this kind of repeated expression ofanger and rage that triggers the internal arousalsystems and biochemical responses that are mostlikely to cause damage to our arteries.While giving vent to our anger clearly isn’t theanswer, neither is ignoring our anger orpretending it isn’t there. As we discussed in PartIII, avoidance of our problems does not make

them go away. So, what’s the best approach?Interestingly, the consensus among modern angerresearchers such as Dr. Zillmann and Dr.Williams, is that methods similar to the DalaiLama’s appear to be most effective. Sincegeneral stress lowers the threshold for what maytrigger anger, the first step is preventative:cultivating an inner contentment and calmer stateof mind, as recommended by the Dalai Lama,can definitely help. And when anger does occur,research has shown that actively challenging,logically analyzing, and reappraising the thoughtsthat trigger the anger can help dissipate it. Thereis also experimental evidence suggesting that thetechniques that we discussed earlier, such asshifting perspective or looking at different anglesof a situation, can also be very effective. Ofcourse, these things are often easier to do at

lower or moderate levels of anger, so practicingearly intervention before thoughts of anger andhatred escalate can be an important factor.Because of their vast importance in overcominganger and hatred, the Dalai Lama spoke in somedetail on the meaning and value of patience andtolerance.“In our day-to-day life experiences, toleranceand patience have great benefits. For instance,developing them will allow us to sustain andmaintain our presence of mind. So if an individualpossesses this capacity of tolerance and patience,then, even in spite of living in a very tenseenvironment, which is very frantic and stressful,

so long as the person has tolerance and patience,the person’s calmness and peace of mind will notbe disturbed.“Another benefit of responding to difficultsituations with patience rather than giving in toanger is that you protect yourself from potentialundesirable consequences that might come aboutif you reacted with anger. If you respond tosituations with anger and hatred, not only does itnot protect you from the injury or harm that hasalready been done to you—the injury and harmhas already taken place—but on top of that, youcreate an additional cause for your own sufferingin the future. However, if you respond to aninjury with patience and tolerance, then althoughyou may face temporary discomfort and hurt, youwill still avoid the potentially dangerous long-termconsequences. By sacrificing small things, by

putting up with small problems or hardships, youwill be able to forgo experiences or sufferingsthat can be much more enormous in the future.To illustrate, if a convicted prisoner could savehis life by sacrificing his arm as a punishment,wouldn’t that person feel grateful for theopportunity? By putting up with that pain andsuffering of having an arm cut off, the personwould be saving himself or herself from death,which is a greater suffering.”“To the Western mind,” I observed, “patienceand tolerance are certainly considered virtues,but when you are directly beset by others, whensomeone is actively harming you, responding with‘patience and tolerance’ seems to have a flavorof weakness, of passivity.”Shaking his head in disagreement, the DalaiLama said, “Since patience or tolerance comes

from an ability to remain firm and steadfast andnot be overwhelmed by the adverse situations orconditions that one faces, one should not seetolerance or patience as a sign of weakness, orgiving in, but rather as a sign of strength, comingfrom a deep ability to remain firm. Responding toa trying situation with patience and tolerancerather than reacting with anger and hatredinvolves active restraint, which comes from astrong, self-disciplined mind.“Of course, in discussing the concept ofpatience, as in most other things, there can bepositive and negative kinds of patience.Impatience isn’t always bad. For instance, it canhelp you take action to get things done. Even inyour daily chores, like cleaning your room, if youhave too much patience, you might move tooslowly and get little done. Or, impatience to gain

world peace—that certainly can be positive. Butin situations that are difficult and challenging,patience helps maintain your willpower and cansustain you.”Becoming increasingly animated as he movedmore deeply into his investigation of the meaningof patience, the Dalai Lama added, “I think thatthere is a very close connection between humilityand patience. Humility involves having thecapacity to take a more confrontational stance,having the capacity to retaliate if you wish, yetdeliberately deciding not to do so. That is what Iwould call genuine humility. I think that truetolerance or patience has a component orelement of self-discipline and restraint—therealization that you could have acted otherwise,you could have adopted a more aggressiveapproach, but decided not to do so. On the other

hand, being forced to adopt a certain passiveresponse out of a feeling of helplessness orincapacitation—that I wouldn’t call genuinehumility. That may be a kind of meekness, but itisn’t genuine tolerance.“Now when we talk about how we shoulddevelop tolerance towards those who harm us,we should not misunderstand this to mean thatwe should just meekly accept whatever is doneagainst us.” The Dalai Lama paused, thenlaughed. “Rather, if necessary, the best, thewisest course, might be to simply run away—runmiles away!”“You can’t always avoid being harmed byrunning away ...”“Yes, that’s true,” he replied. “Sometimes,you may encounter situations that require strongcountermeasures. I believe, however, that you

can take a strong stand and even take strongcountermeasures out of a feeling of compassion,or a sense of concern for the other, rather thanout of anger. One of the reasons why there is aneed to adopt a very strong countermeasureagainst someone is that if you let it pass—whatever the harm or the crime that is beingperpetrated against you—then there is a dangerof that person’s habituating in a very negativeway, which, in reality, will cause that individual’sown downfall and is very destructive in the longrun for the individual himself or herself. Thereforea strong countermeasure is necessary, but withthis thought in mind, you can do it out ofcompassion and concern for that individual. Forexample, so far as our own dealings with Chinaare concerned, even if there is a likelihood ofsome feeling of hatred arising, we deliberately

check ourselves and try to reduce that, we try toconsciously develop a feeling of compassiontowards the Chinese. And I think thatcountermeasures can ultimately be more effectivewithout feelings of anger and hatred.“Now, we’ve explored methods ofdeveloping patience and tolerance and letting goof anger and hatred, methods such as usingreasoning to analyze the situation, adopting awider perspective, and looking at other angles ofa situation. An end result, or a product ofpatience and tolerance, is forgiveness. Whenyou are truly patient and tolerant, thenforgiveness comes naturally.“Although you may have experienced manynegative events in the past, with the developmentof patience and tolerance it is possible to let go ofyour sense of anger and resentment. If you

analyze the situation, you’ll realize that the past ispast, so there is no use continuing to feel angerand hatred, which do not change the situation butjust cause a disturbance within your mind andcause your continued unhappiness. Of course,you may still remember the events. Forgettingand forgiving are two different things. There’snothing wrong with simply remembering thosenegative events; if you have a sharp mind, you’llalways remember,” he laughed. “I think theBuddha remembered everything. But with thedevelopment of patience and tolerance, it’spossible to let go of the negative feelingsassociated with the events.”

MEDITATIONS ON ANGERIn many of these discussions, the Dalai Lama’sprimary method of overcoming anger and hatredinvolved the use of reasoning and analysis toinvestigate the causes of anger, to combat theseharmful mental states through understanding. In asense, this approach can be seen as using logic toneutralize anger and hatred and to cultivate theantidotes of patience and tolerance. But thatwasn’t his only technique. In his public talks hesupplemented his discussion by presentinginstruction on these two simple yet effectivemeditations to help overcome anger.

Meditation on Anger: Exercise 1“Let us imagine a scenario in which someonewho you know very well, someone who is closeor dear to you, is in a situation in which he or sheloses his or her temper. You can imagine thisoccurring either in a very acrimonious relationshipor in a situation in which something personallyupsetting is happening. The person is so angrythat he or she has lost all his or her mentalcomposure, creating very negative vibrations,even going to the extent of beating himself orherself up or breaking things.“Then, reflect upon the immediate effects ofthe person’s rage. You’ll see a physicaltransformation happening to that person. This

person whom you feel close to, whom you like,the very sight of whom gave you pleasure in thepast, now turns into this ugly person, evenphysically speaking. The reason why I think youshould visualize this happening to someone else isbecause it is easier to see the faults of others thanto see your own faults. So, using yourimagination, do this meditation and visualizationfor a few minutes.“At the end of that visualization, analyze thesituation and relate the circumstances to yourown experience. See that you yourself have beenin this state many times. Resolve that ‘I shallnever let myself fall under the sway of suchintense anger and hatred, because if I do that, Iwill be in the same position. I will also suffer allthese consequences, lose my peace of mind, losemy composure, assume this ugly physical

appearance,’ and so on. So once you make thatdecision, then for the last few minutes of themeditation focus your mind on that conclusion ;without further analysis, simply let your mindremain on your resolution not to fall under theinfluence of anger and hatred.”

Meditation on Anger: Exercise 2“Let us do another meditation using visualization.Begin by visualizing someone whom you dislike,someone who annoys you, causes a lot ofproblems for you, or gets on your nerves. Then,imagine a scenario in which the person irritatesyou, or does something that offends you orannoys you. And, in your imagination, when youvisualize this, let your natural response follow;just let it flow naturally. Then see how you feel,see whether that causes the rate of yourheartbeat to go up, and so on. Examine whetheryou are comfortable or uncomfortable; see if youimmediately become more peaceful or if youdevelop an uncomfortable mental feeling. Judge

for yourself ; investigate. So for a few minutes,three or four minutes perhaps, judge, andexperiment. And then at the end of yourinvestigation, if you discover that ‘Yes, it is of nouse to allow that irritation to develop.Immediately I lose my peace of mind,’ then sayto yourself, ‘In the future, I will never do that.’Develop that determination. Finally, for the lastfew minutes of the exercise, place your mindsingle-pointedly upon that conclusion ordetermination. So that’s the meditation.”The Dalai Lama paused for a moment, thenlooking around the room of sincere studentspreparing to practice this meditation, he laughed,and added, “I think if I had the cognitive faculty,ability, or the clear awareness to be able to readother people’s minds, then there would be agreat spectacle here!”

There was a ripple of laughter in the audience,which quickly died down as his listeners startedthe meditation, beginning the serious business ofdoing battle with their anger.

Chapter 14DEALING WITH ANXIETY ANDBUILDING SELF-ESTEEMIt is estimated that in the course of a lifetime atleast one in four Americans will suffer from adebilitating degree of anxiety or worry severe

enough to meet the criteria for the medicaldiagnosis of an anxiety disorder. But even thosewho never suffer from a pathological or disablingstate of anxiety will, at one time or another,experience excessive levels of worry and anxietythat serve no useful purpose and do nothing butundermine their happiness and interfere with theirability to accomplish their goals.The human brain is equipped with anelaborate system designed to register theemotions of fear and worry. This system servesan important function—it mobilizes us to respondto danger by setting in motion a complexsequence of biochemical and physiologicalevents. The adaptive side of worry is that itallows us to anticipate danger and takepreventative action. So, some types of fears anda certain amount of worry can be healthy.

However, feelings of fear and anxiety can persistand even escalate in the absence of an authenticthreat, and when these emotions grow out ofproportion to any real danger they becomemaladaptive. Excessive anxiety and worry can,like anger and hatred, have devastating effects onthe mind and body, becoming the source of muchemotional suffering and even physical illness.On a mental level, chronic anxiety can impairjudgment, increase irritability, and hinder one’soverall effectiveness. It can also lead to physicalproblems including depressed immune function,heart disease, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue,and muscle tension and pain. Anxiety disorders,for instance, have even been shown to causestunted growth in adolescent girls.In seeking strategies to deal with anxiety, wemust first recognize, as the Dalai Lama will point

out, that there may be many factors contributingto the experience of anxiety. In some cases, theremay be a strong biological component. Somepeople seem to have a certain neurologicalvulnerability to experiencing states of worry andanxiety. Scientists have recently discovered agene that is linked to people who are prone toanxiety and negative thinking. Not all cases oftoxic worry are genetic in origin, however, andthere is little doubt that learning and conditioningplay a major role in its etiology.But, regardless of whether our anxiety ispredominantly physical or psychological in origin,the good news is that there is something we cando about it. In the most severe cases of anxiety,medication can be a useful part of the treatmentregimen. But most of us who are troubled bynagging day-to-day worries and anxiety will not

need pharmacological intervention. Experts in thefield of anxiety management generally feel that amultidimensional approach is best. This wouldinclude first ruling out an underlying medicalcondition as the cause of our anxiety. Workingon improving our physical health through properdiet and exercise can also be helpful. And, as theDalai Lama has emphasized, cultivatingcompassion and deepening our connection withothers can promote good mental hygiene andhelp combat anxiety states.In searching for practical strategies toovercome anxiety, however, there is onetechnique that stands out as particularly effective:cognitive intervention. This is one of the mainmethods used by the Dalai Lama to overcomedaily worries and anxiety. Applying the sameprocedure used with anger and hatred, this

technique involves actively challenging theanxiety-generating thoughts and replacing themwith well-reasoned positive thoughts andattitudes.Because of the pervasiveness of anxiety in ourculture, I was eager to bring up the subject withthe Dalai Lama and learn how he deals with it.His schedule was particularly busy that day, and Icould feel my own anxiety level rising as,moments before our interview, I was informed byhis secretary that we would have to cut ourconversation short. Feeling pressed for time andworrying that we wouldn’t be able to address allthe topics I wanted to discuss, I sat down quickly

and began, reverting to my intermittent tendencyto try to elicit simplistic answers from him.“You know, fear and anxiety can be a majorobstacle to achieving our goals, whether they areexternal goals or inner growth. In psychiatry wehave various methods of dealing with thesethings, but I’m curious, from your standpoint,what’s the best way to overcome fear andanxiety?”Resisting my invitation to oversimplify thematter, the Dalai Lama answered with hischaracteristically thorough approach.“In dealing with fear, I think that we first needto recognize that there are many different types offear. Some kinds of fear are very genuine, basedon valid reasons, fear of violence or fear ofbloodshed, for example. We can see that thesethings are very bad. Then there’s fear about the

long-term negative consequences of our negativeactions, fear of suffering, fear of our negativeemotions such as hatred. I think these are theright kinds of fears ; having these kinds of fearsbring us onto the right path, bring us closer tobecoming a warmhearted person.” He stoppedto reflect, then mused, “Although in a sense theseare kinds of fears, I think perhaps that there maybe some difference between fearing these thingsand the mind’s seeing the destructive nature ofthese things ...”He ceased speaking again for severalmoments, and appeared to be deliberating, whileI stole furtive glances at my watch. Clearly hedidn’t feel the same time crunch that I did.Finally, he continued speaking in a leisurelymanner.“On the other hand, some kinds of fears are

our own mental creations. These fears may bebased mainly on mental projection. For example,there are very childish fears,” he laughed, “likewhen we were young and passed through a darkplace, especially some of the dark rooms in thePotala, 5 and became afraid—that was basedcompletely on mental projection. Or, when I wasyoung, the sweepers and people looking after mealways warned me that there was an owl thatcaught young children and consumed them!” theDalai Lama laughed even harder. “And I reallybelieved them!”“There are other types of fear based onmental projection,” he continued. “For example,if you have negative feelings, because of yourown mental situation, you may project thosefeelings onto another, who then appears assomeone negative and hostile. And as a result,

you feel fear. That kind of fear, I think, is relatedto hatred and comes about as a sort of mentalcreation. So, in dealing with fear, you need tofirst use your faculty of reasoning and try todiscover whether there is a valid basis for yourfear or not.”I asked, “Well, rather than an intense orfocused fear of a specific individual or situation,many of us are plagued by more of an ongoingdiffuse worry about a variety of day-to-dayproblems. Do you have any suggestions abouthow to handle that?”Nodding his head, he replied, “One of theapproaches that I personally find useful to reducethat kind of worry is to cultivate the thought: Ifthe situation or problem is such that it can beremedied, then there is no need to worryabout it. In other words, if there is a solution or

a way out of the difficulty, then one needn’t beoverwhelmed by it. The appropriate action is toseek its solution. It is more sensible to spend theenergy focusing on the solution rather thanworrying about the problem. Alternatively, ifthere is no way out, no solution, no Possibilityof resolution, then there is also no point inbeing worried about it, because you can’t doanything about it anyway. In that case, thesooner you accept this fact, the easier it will beon you. This formula, of course, implies directlyconfronting the problem. Otherwise you won’t beable to find out whether or not there is aresolution to the problem.““What if thinking about that doesn’t helpalleviate your anxiety?”“Well, you may need to reflect on thesethoughts a bit more and reinforce these ideas.

Remind yourself of it repeatedly. Anyway, I thinkthat this approach can help reduce anxiety andworry, but that doesn’t mean it always will work.If you are dealing with ongoing anxiety, I thinkyou need to look at the specific situation. Thereare different types of anxieties and differentcauses. For example, some types of anxiety ornervousness could have some biological causes ;for instance, some people tend to get sweatypalms, which according to the Tibetan medicalsystem could indicate an imbalance of subtleenergy levels. Some types of anxiety, just likesome types of depression for instance, may havebiological roots, and for these medical treatmentmay be useful. So in order to deal with theanxiety effectively, you need to look at the kind itis and the cause.“So, just like fear, there can be different types

of anxiety. For example, one type of anxiety,which I think may be common, could involve fearof appearing foolish in front of others or fear thatothers might think badly of you ...”“Have you ever experienced that kind ofanxiety or nervousness?” I interrupted.The Dalai Lama broke into a robust laugh,and without hesitation he responded, “Oh yes!”“Can you give an example?”He thought for a moment, then said, “Now,for instance, in 1954 in China, on the first day ofmeeting with Chairman Mao Zedong, and alsoanother occasion in meeting with Chou En-lai. Inthose days I wasn’t fully aware of the properprotocol and convention. The usual procedurefor a meeting was to start with some casual talkand then proceed to the discussion of business.But on that occasion I was so nervous that the

moment I sat down, I just jumped right intobusiness!” The Dalai Lama laughed at thememory. “I remember that afterwards mytranslator, a Tibetan communist who was veryreliable and my great, great friend, looked at meand started laughing and teasing me about it.“I think that even these days, just before apublic talk or teachings are about to start, Ialways feel a little bit of anxiety, so some of myattendants usually say, ‘If that’s the case, thenwhy did you accept the invitation to giveteachings in the first place?’ ” He laughed again.“So how do you personally deal with thatkind of anxiety?” I asked.With a querulous and unaffected tone in hisvoice he said quietly, “I don’t know ...” Hepaused, and we sat in silence for a long time, asonce again he seemed to carefully consider and

eflect. At last he said, “I think having propermotivation and honesty are the keys toovercoming those kinds of fear and anxiety. So, ifI am anxious before giving a talk, I’ll remindmyself that the main reason, the aim of giving thelecture, is to be of at least some benefit to thepeople, not for showing off my knowledge. So,those points which I know, I’ll explain. Thosepoints which I do not understand properly—thenit doesn’t matter ; I just say, ‘For me, this isdifficult.’ There’s no reason to hide or to pretend.From that standpoint, with that motivation, Idon’t have to worry about appearing foolish orcare about what others think of me. So, I’vefound that sincere motivation acts as anantidote to reduce fear and anxiety.”“Well, sometimes the anxiety involves morethan just appearing foolish in front of others. It’s

more of a fear of failure, a feeling of beingincompetent ...” I reflected for a moment,considering how much personal information toreveal.The Dalai Lama listened intently, silentlynodding as I spoke. I’m not sure what it was.Maybe it was his attitude of sympatheticunderstanding, but before I knew it, I had shiftedfrom discussing broad general issues to solicitinghis advice about dealing with my own fears andanxieties.“I don’t know ... sometimes with my patientsfor instance ... some are very difficult to treat—cases in which it isn’t a matter of making a clearcutdiagnosis like depression or some otherillness that is easily remedied. There are somepatients with severe personality disorders, forinstance, who don’t respond to medication and

have failed to make much progress inpsychotherapy despite my best efforts.Sometimes I just don’t know what to do withthese people, how to help them. I can’t seem toget a grasp on what’s going on with them. And itmakes me feel immobilized, sort of helpless,” Icomplained. “It makes me feel incompetent, andthat really creates a certain kind of fear, ofanxiety.”He listened solemnly, then asked in a kindlyvoice, “Would you say that you’re able to help70 percent of your patients?”“At least that,” I replied.Patting my hand gently, he said, “Then I thinkthat there’s no problem here. If you were able tohelp only 30 percent of your patients, then Imight suggest that you consider anotherprofession. But I think you’re doing fine. In my

case people also come to me for help. Many arelooking for miracles, for miraculous cures, and soon, and of course I can’t help everybody. But Ithink the main thing is motivation—to have asincere motivation to help. Then you just do thebest you can, and you don’t have to worry aboutit.“So, in my case also there are of course somesituations that are tremendously delicate orserious, and such a heavy responsibility. I thinkthe worst is when people place too much trust orbelief in me, in circumstances in which somethings are beyond my capability. In such cases,sometimes anxiety, of course, develops. Here,once again, we return to the importance ofmotivation. Then, I try to remind myself as far asmy own motivation is concerned, I am sincere,and I tried my best. With a sincere motivation,

one of compassion, even if I made a mistake orfailed, there is no cause for regret. For my part Idid my best. Then, you see, if I failed, it wasbecause the situation was beyond my bestefforts. So that sincere motivation removes fearand gives you self-confidence. On the otherhand, if your underlying motivation is to cheatsomeone, then if you fail, you really becomenervous. But if you cultivate a compassionatemotivation, if you fail, then there’s no regret.“So, again and again, I think that propermotivation can be a sort of protector, shieldingyou against these feelings of fear and anxiety.Motivation is so important. In fact all humanaction can be seen in terms of movement, and themover behind all actions is one’s motivation. Ifyou develop a pure and sincere motivation, if youare motivated by a wish to help on the basis of

kindness, compassion, and respect, then you cancarry on any kind of work, in any field, andfunction more effectively with less fear or worry,not being afraid of what others think or whetheryou ultimately will be successful in reaching yourgoal. Even if you fail to achieve your goal, youcan feel good about having made the effort. Butwith a bad motivation, people can praise you oryou can achieve goals, but you still will not behappy.”In discussing the antidotes to anxiety, the DalaiLama offers two remedies, each working on adifferent level. The first involves activelycombating chronic rumination and worry by

applying a counteractive thought: remindingoneself, If there is a solution to the problem,there is no need to worry. If there is nosolution, there is no sense in worrying either.The second antidote is a more broadspectrumremedy. It involves the transformationof one’s underlying motivation. There is aninteresting contrast between the Dalai Lama’sapproach to human motivation and that ofWestern science and psychology. As wepreviously discussed, researchers who havestudied human motivation have investigatednormal human motives, looking at both instinctualand learned needs and drives. At this level, theDalai Lama has focused on developing and usinglearned drives to enhance one’s “enthusiasm anddetermination.” In some respects, this is similar tothe view of many conventional Western

“motivation experts,” who also seek to boostone’s enthusiasm and determination toaccomplish goals. But the difference is that theDalai Lama seeks to build determination andenthusiasm to engage in more wholesomebehaviors and eliminate negative mental traits,rather than emphasizing the achievement ofworldly success, money, or power. And perhapsthe most striking difference is that whereas the“motivational speakers” are busy fanning theflames of already existing motives for worldlysuccess, and the Western theorists arepreoccupied with categorizing standard humanmotives, the Dalai Lama’s primary interest inhuman motivation lies in resbaping andchanging one’s underlying motivation to one ofcompassion and kindness.In the Dalai Lama’s system of training the

mind and achieving happiness, the closer onegets to being motivated by altruism, the morefearless one becomes in the face of evenextremely anxiety-provoking circumstances.But the same principle can be applied in smallerways, even when one’s motivation is less thancompletely altruistic. Standing back and simplymaking sure that you mean no harm and that yourmotivation is sincere can help reduce anxiety inordinary daily situations.Not long after the above conversation withthe Dalai Lama, I had lunch with a group ofpeople that included one young man whom I hadnot met before, a college student at a localuniversity. During lunch, someone asked how myseries of discussions with the Dalai Lama weregoing, and I recounted the conversation aboutovercoming anxiety. After quietly listening to me

describe the idea of “sincere motivation as anantidote to anxiety,” the student confided that hehad always been painfully shy and very anxious insocial situations. In thinking about how he mightapply this technique in overcoming his ownanxiety, the student muttered, “Well, all that’spretty interesting. But I guess the hard part isalways having this lofty motivation of kindnessand compassion.”“I suppose that’s true,” I had to admit.The general conversation turned to othersubjects, and we finished our lunch. I happenedto run into the same college student the followingweek at the same restaurant.Approaching me in a cheerful manner, hesaid, “You remember we were talking aboutmotivation and anxiety the other day? Well, Itried it out and it really works! There’s this girl

who works at a department store in the mallwhom I’ve seen a lot of times ; I’ve alwayswanted to ask her out, but I don’t know her andI’ve always felt too shy and anxious, so I’venever even talked to her. Well, the other day Iwent in again, but this time I started thinkingabout my motivation for asking her out. Mymotivation, of course, is that I’d like to date her.But behind that is just the wish that I could findsomeone whom I can love and who will love me.When I thought about it, I realized that there isnothing wrong with that, that my motivation wassincere; I didn’t wish any harm to her or myself,but only good things. Just keeping that in mind,and reminding myself of it a few times, seemed tohelp somehow; it gave me the courage to strikeup a conversation with her. My heart was stillpounding, but I feel great that at least I was able

to get up the nerve to speak with her.”“I’m glad to hear that,” I said. “Whathappened?”“Well, as it turns out, she already has a steadyboyfriend. I was a bit disappointed, but it’s okay.It just felt good that I was able to overcome myshyness. And it made me realize that if I makesure that there’s nothing wrong with mymotivation and keep that in mind, it could helpthe next time I’m in the same situation.”

HONESTY AS AN ANTIDOTE TOLOW SELF-ESTEEM OR INFLATEDSELF-CONFIDENCEA healthy sense of self-confidence is a criticalfactor in achieving our goals. This holds truewhether our goal is to earn a college degree,build a successful business, enjoy a satisfyingrelationship, or train the mind to become happier.Low self-confidence inhibits our efforts to moveahead, to meet challenges, and even to takesome risks when necessary in the pursuit of ourobjectives. Inflated self-confidence can beequally hazardous. Those who suffer from anexaggerated sense of their own abilities and

accomplishments are continuously subject tofrustration, disappointment, and rage when realityintrudes and the world doesn’t validate theiridealized view of themselves. And they arealways precariously close to sinking intodepression when they fail to live up to their ownidealized self-image. In addition, theseindividuals’ grandiosity often leads to a sense ofentitlement and a kind of arrogance that distancesthem from others and prevents emotionallysatisfying relationships. Finally, overestimatingtheir abilities can lead to taking dangerous risks.As inspector Dirty Harry Callahan, in aphilosophical frame of mind, tells us in the filmMagnum Force (while watching theoverconfident villain blow himself up), “A man’sgotta know his limitations.”In the Western psychotherapeutic tradition,

theorists have related both low and inflated selfconfidenceto disturbances in people’s self-imageand have searched for the roots of thesedisturbances in people’s early upbringing. Manytheorists see poor self-image and inflated selfimageas two sides of the same coin,conceptualizing people’s inflated self-image, forinstance, as an unconscious defense againstunderlying insecurities and negative feelings aboutthemselves. Psychoanalytically orientedpsychotherapists in particular have formulatedelaborate theories of how distortions in selfimageoccur. They explain how the self-image isformed as people internalize feedback from theenvironment. They describe how people developtheir concepts of who they are by incorporatingexplicit and implicit messages about themselvesfrom their parents and how distortions can occur

when early interactions with their caregivers areneither healthy nor nurturing.When disturbances in self-image are severeenough to cause significant problems in their lives,many of these people turn to psychotherapy.Insight-oriented psychotherapists focus onhelping the patients gain an understanding of thedysfunctional patterns in their early relationshipsthat were the cause of the problem and provideappropriate feedback and a therapeuticenvironment where the patients can graduallyrestructure and repair their negative self-image.On the other hand, the Dalai Lama focuses on“pulling out the arrow” rather than spending timewondering who shot it. Instead of wondering whypeople have low self-esteem or inflated selfconfidence,he presents a method of directlycombating these negative states of mind.

In recent decades, the nature of “the self” wasone of the most researched topics in the field ofpsychology. In the “me decade” of the 1980s, forinstance, thousands of articles appeared eachyear, exploring issues related to self-esteem andself-confidence. With this in mind, I addressedthe subject with the Dalai Lama.“In one of our other conversations you spokeof humility as a positive trait, and how it is linkedwith the cultivation of patience and tolerance. InWestern psychology, and our culture in general, itseems that being humble is largely overlooked infavor of developing qualities like high levels ofself-esteem and self-confidence. In fact, in the

West there’s a lot of importance placed on theseattributes. I was just wondering—do you feel thatWesterners sometimes tend to put too muchemphasis on self-confidence, that it’s kind ofoverindulgent or too self-absorbed?”“Not necessarily,” the Dalai Lama replied,“although the subject can be quite complicated.For example, the great spiritual practitioners arethose who have made a pledge, or developed thedetermination, to eradicate all of their negativestates of mind in order to help to bring ultimatehappiness to all sentient beings. They have thiskind of vision and aspiration. This requires atremendous sense of self-confidence. And thisself-confidence can be very important because itgives you a certain boldness of mind that helpsyou accomplish great goals. In a way, this mayseem like a kind of arrogance, although not in a

negative way. It is based on sound reasons. So,here, I would consider them to be verycourageous—I would consider them to beheroes.”“Well, for a great spiritual master what mayappear on the surface to be a form of arrogancemay in fact be a kind of self-confidence andcourage,” I allowed. “But for normal people,under everyday circumstances, the opposite ismore likely to occur—someone appears to havestrong self-confidence or high self-esteem, but itcan be in reality simply arrogance. I understandthat according to Buddhism, arrogance iscategorized as one of the ‘basic afflictedemotions.’ In fact, I’ve read that according toone system, they list seven different types ofarrogance. So, avoiding or overcomingarrogance is considered very important. But so is

having a strong sense of self-confidence. Thereseems to be a fine line between them sometimes.How can you tell the difference between themand cultivate one while reducing the other?”“Sometimes it’s quite difficult to distinguishbetween confidence and arrogance,” heconceded. “Maybe one way of distinguishingbetween the two is to see whether or not it issound. One can have a very sound or very validsense of superiority in relation to someone else,which could be very justified and which could bevalid. And then there could also be an inflatedsense of self which is totally groundless. Thatwould be arrogance. So in terms of theirphenomenological state, they may seem similar....”“But, an arrogant person always feels thatthey have a valid basis of ...”

“That’s right, that’s right,” the Dalai Lamaacknowledged.“So, then how can you distinguish betweenthe two?” I inquired.“I think sometimes it can be judged only inretrospect, either by the individual or from a thirdperson’s perspective.” The Dalai Lama paused,then joked, “Maybe the person should go to thecourt to find out if it is a case of inflated pride orarrogance!” He laughed.“In making the distinction between conceitand valid self-confidence,” he went on, “onecould think in terms of the consequences of one’sattitude—conceit and arrogance generally lead tonegative consequences whereas a healthy selfconfidenceleads to more positive consequences.So, here when we are dealing with ‘selfconfidence’you need to look at what is the

underlying sense of ’self.‘ I think one cancategorize two types. One sense of self, or’ego,‘is concerned only with the fulfillment of one’sself-interest, one’s selfish desires, with completedisregard for the well-being of others. The othertype of ego or sense of self is based on a genuineconcern for others, and the desire to be ofservice. In order to fulfill that wish to be ofservice, one needs a strong sense of self, and asense of self-confidence. This kind of selfconfidenceis the kind that leads to positiveconsequences.”“Earlier,” I noted, “I think you mentioned thatone way to help reduce arrogance or pride, if aperson acknowledged pride as a fault and wishedto overcome it, was to contemplate one’ssuffering—reflecting on all the ways we aresubject to or prone to suffering, and so on.

Besides contemplating one’s suffering, are thereany other techniques or antidotes to work withpride?”He said, “One antidote is to reflect upon thediversity of disciplines that you may have noknowledge of. For example, in the moderneducational system you have a multitude ofdisciplines. So by thinking about how many fieldsyou are ignorant of, it may help you overcomepride.”The Dalai Lama stopped speaking, and,thinking that was all he had to say on the subject,I started looking through my notes to move on toa new topic. He suddenly resumed speaking in areflective tone, “You know, we’ve been talkingabout developing a healthy self-confidence ... Ithink perhaps honesty and self-confidence areclosely linked.”

“Do you mean being honest with yourselfabout what your capabilities are and so on? Ordo you mean being honest with others?” I asked.“Both,” he replied. “The more honest you are,the more open, the less fear you will have,because there’s no anxiety about being exposedor revealed to others. So, I think that the morehonest you are, the more self-confident you willbe ...”“I’m interested in exploring a bit more abouthow you personally deal with the issue of selfconfidence,”I said. “You’ve mentioned thatpeople seem to come to you and expect you toperform miracles. They seem to put so muchpressure on you and have such high expectations.Even if you have a proper underlying motivation,doesn’t this still cause you to feel a certain lack ofconfidence in your abilities?”

“Here, I think you have to keep in mind whatyou mean when you say either‘lack ofconfidence’ or’possessing confidence’ withregard to a particular act or whatever it may be.In order for you to have a lack of confidence insomething, it implies that you have a kind of beliefthat you can do it, that, generally speaking, it iswithin your scope. And then if something is withinyour scope and you can’t do it, you begin to feel,‘Oh, you know, maybe I’m not good enough orcompetent enough or up to it’ or something alongthose lines. However, for me to realize that Icannot perform miracles—that does not lead toloss of confidence, because I never believedmyself to have that capacity in the first place. Idon’t expect myself to be able to performfunctions like the fully enlightened Buddhas—tobe able to know everything, perceive everything,

or do the right thing at any and all times. So whenpeople come to me and ask me to heal them orperform a miracle or something like that, insteadof making me feel a lack of confidence, it justmakes me feel quite awkward.“I think that, generally, being honest withoneself and others about what you are or arenot capable of doing can counteract thatfeeling of lack of self-confidence.“But then, now for example, in handling thesituation with China, sometimes I feel a lack ofself-confidence. But usually I consult about sucha situation with officials and in some casesnonofficials. I ask my friends their opinion andthen discuss the matter. Since many of thedecisions are taken on the basis of discussionswith various people and not just taken rashly, anydecision that is taken then makes me feel quite

confident and there’s no sense of regret forhaving taken that course.”Fearless and honest self-appraisal can be apowerful weapon against self-doubt and low selfconfidence.The Dalai Lama’s belief that this kindof honesty can act as an antidote to thesenegative states of mind has in fact been confirmedby a number of recent studies that clearly showthat those who have a realistic and accurate viewof themselves tend to like themselves better andhave more confidence than those with poor orinaccurate self-knowledge.Over the years, I’ve often witnessed the DalaiLama’s illustrating how self-confidence comes

from being honest and straightforward aboutone’s abilities. It came as quite a surprise to mewhen I first heard him say in front of a largeaudience simply “I don’t know” in response to aquestion. Unlike what I was used to withacademic lecturers or those who set themselvesup as authorities, he admitted his lack ofknowledge without embarrassment, qualifyingstatements, or attempting to appear that he knewsomething by skirting the issue.In fact, he seemed to take a certain delightwhen confronted with a difficult question forwhich he had no answer and often joked about it.For example, one afternoon in Tucson, he hadbeen commenting on one verse of Shantideva’sGuide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life thatwas particularly complex in its logic. He struggledwith it for a while, got mixed up, then burst out

laughing, saying:“I’m confused! I think it’s better just to leaveit. Now, in the next verse ...”In response to appreciative laughter from theaudience, he laughed even harder, commenting,“There is a particular expression for thisapproach. The expression is it’s like an oldperson eating—an old person with very poorteeth. The soft things you eat ; the hard things, youjust leave.” Still laughing, he said, “So we’ll leaveit at that for today.” He never wavered in thatmoment from his own supreme confidence.

REFLECTING ON OURPOTENTIAL AS AN ANTIDOTE TOSELF-HATREDOn one trip to India in 1991, two years beforethe Dalai Lama’s visit to Arizona, I briefly metwith him at his home in Dharamsala. That weekhe had been meeting daily with a distinguishedgroup of Western scientists, physicians,psychologists, and meditation teachers, in anattempt to explore the mind-body connection andunderstand the relationship between emotionalexperience and physical health. I met with theDalai Lama late one afternoon, afterone of hissessions with the scientists. Toward the end of

our interview, the Dalai Lama asked, “You knowthis week I’ve been meeting with thesescientists?”“Yes ...”“Something came up this week which I foundvery surprising. This concept of ‘self-hatred.’You are familiar with that concept?”“Definitely. A fair proportion of my patientssuffer from it.”“When these people were speaking about it,at first I wasn’t certain if I was understanding theconcept correctly,” he laughed. “I thought, ‘Ofcourse we love ourselves! How can a personhate himself or herself?’ Although I thought that Ihad some understanding about how the mindworks, this idea of hating oneself was completelynew to me. The reason why I found it quiteunbelievable is that practicing Buddhists work

very hard trying to overcome our self-centeredattitude, our selfish thoughts and motives. Fromthis viewpoint I think we love and cherishourselves too much. So to think of the possibilityof someone not cherishing oneself, and evenhating oneself, was quite, quite unbelievable. As apsychiatrist, can you explain this concept for me,how it occurs?”I briefly described for him the psychologicalview of how self-hatred arises. I explained howour self-image is shaped by our parents andupbringing, how we pick up implicit messagesabout ourselves from them as we grow anddevelop, and I outlined the specific conditionsthat create a negative self-image. I went on todetail the factors that exacerbate self-hatred,such as when our behavior fails to live up to ouridealized self-image, and described some of the

ways that self-hatred can be cultur allyreinforced, particularly in some women andminorities. While I was discussing these things,the Dalai Lama continued to nod thoughtfully witha quizzical expression on his face, as if he werestill having some difficulty grasping this strangeconcept.Groucho Marx once quipped, “I’d never join anyclub that would have me for a member.”Broadening this kind of negative self-view into anobservation about human nature, Mark Twainsaid, “No man, deep down in the privacy of his

own heart, has any considerable respect forhimself.” And taking this pessimistic view ofhumanity and incorporating it into hispsychological theories, the humanisticpsychologist Carl Rogers once claimed, “Mostpeople despise themselves, regard themselves asworthless and unlovable.”There is a popular notion in our society,shared by most contemporary psychotherapists,that self-hatred is rampant within Westernculture. While it certainly exists, fortunately it maynot be as widespread as many believe. Itcertainly is a common problem among those whoseek psychotherapy, but sometimespsychotherapists in clinical practice have askewed view, a tendency to base their generalview of human nature on those few individualswho walk into their offices. Most of the data

ased on experimental evidence, however, haveestablished the fact that often people tend to (orat least want to) see themselves in a favorablelight, rating themselves as “better than average” inalmost any survey asking about subjective andsocially desirable qualities.So, while self-hatred may not be as universalas commonly thought, it can still be a tremendousobstacle for many people. I was as surprised bythe Dalai Lama’s reaction as he was by theconcept of self-hatred. His initial response alonecan be very revealing and healing.There are two points related to hisremarkable reaction that warrant examination.The first point is simply that he was unfamiliarwith the existence of self-hatred. The underlyingassumption that self-hatred is a widespreadhuman problem leads to an impressionistic sense

that it is a deeply ingrained feature of the humanpsyche. But the fact that it is virtually unheard ofwithin entire cultures, in this case the Tibetanculture, strongly reminds us that this troublingmental state, like all of the other negative mentalstates that we have discussed, is not an intrinsicpart of the human mind. It is not something thatwe are born with, irrevocably saddled with, noris it an indelible characteristic of our nature. It canbe removed. This realization alone can serve toweaken its power, give us hope, and increase ourcommitment to eliminate it.The second point related to the Dalai Lama’sinitial reaction was his response, “Hate oneself?Of course, we love ourselves!” For those of uswho suffer from self-hatred or know someonewho does, this response may seem incrediblynaive at first glance. But on closer investigation,

there may be a penetrating truth to his response.Love is difficult to define, and there may bedifferent definitions. But one definition of love,and perhaps the most pure and exalted kind oflove, is an utter, absolute, and unqualified wishfor the happiness of another individual. It is aheartfelt wish for the other’s happiness regardlessof whether he does something to injure us oreven whether we like him. Now, deep in ourhearts, there’s no question that every one of uswants to be happy. So, if our definition of loveis based on a genuine wish for someone’shappiness, then each of us does in fact lovehimself or herself—every one of us sincerelywishes for his or her own happiness. In myclinical practice I’ve sometimes encountered themost extreme cases of self-hatred, to the pointwhere the person experiences recurrent thoughts

of suicide. But even in these most extreme cases,the thought of death is ultimately based on theindividual’s wish (distorted and misguided thoughit may be) to release her- or himself fromsuffering, not cause it.So perhaps the Dalai Lama was not far off themark in his belief that all of us have an underlyingself-love, and this idea suggests a powerfulantidote to self-hatred: we can directly counteractthoughts of self-contempt by reminding ourselvesthat no matter how much we may dislike some ofour characteristics, underneath it all we wishourselves to be happy, and that is a profoundkind of love.

On a subsequent visit to Dharamsala, I returnedto the subject of self-hatred with the Dalai Lama.By then he had familiarized himself with theconcept and had begun developing methods forcombating it.“From the Buddhist point of view,” heexplained, “being in a depressed state, in a stateof discouragement, is seen as a kind of extremethat can clearly be an obstacle to taking the stepsnecessary to accomplish one’s goals. A state ofself-hatred is even far more extreme than simplybeing discouraged, and this can be very, verydangerous. For those engaged in Buddhistpractice, the antidote to self-hatred would be toreflect upon the fact that all beings, includingoneself, have Buddha Nature—the seed orpotential for perfection, full Enlightenment—nomatter how weak or poor or deprived one’s

present situation may be. So those peopleinvolved in Buddhist practice who suffer fromself-hatred or self-loathing should avoidcontemplating the suffering nature of existence orthe underlying unsatisfactory nature of existence,and instead they should concentrate more on thepositive aspects of one’s existence, such asappreciating the tremendous potential that lieswithin oneself as a human being. And byreflecting upon these opportunities and potentials,they will be able to increase their sense of worthand confidence in themselves.”Raising my now-standard question from theperspective of a non-Buddhist, I asked, “Well,what would be the antidote for someone whomay not have heard of the concept of BuddhaNature or who may not be a Buddhist?”“One thing in general that we could point out

to such people is that we are gifted as humanbeings with this wonderful human intelligence. Ontop of that, all human beings have the capacity tobe very determined and to direct that strongsense of determination in whatever direction theywould like to use it. There is no doubt of this. Soif one maintains an awareness of these potentialsand reminds oneself of them repeatedly until itbecomes part of one’s customary way ofperceiving human beings—including oneself—then this could serve to help reduce feelings ofdiscouragement, helplessness, and selfcontempt.”The Dalai Lama stopped for a moment, thenproceeded with a probing inflection whichsuggested that he was still actively exploring,continuously engaging in a process of discovery.“I think that here there might be some sort of

parallel to the way we treat physical illnesses.When doctors treat someone for a specificillness, not only do they give antibiotics for thespecific condition, but they also make sure thatthe person’s underlying physical condition is suchthat he or she can take antibiotics and toleratethem. So in order to ensure that, the doctorsmake sure, for instance, that the person isgenerally well nourished, and often they may alsohave to give vitamins or whatever to build thebody. So long as the person has that underlyingstrength in his or her body, then there is thepotential or capacity within the body to heal itselffrom the illness through medication. Similarly, solong as we know and maintain an awarenessthat we have this marvelous gift of humanintelligence and a capacity to developdetermination and use it in positive ways, in

some sense we have this underlying mentalhealth. An underlying strength, that comesfrom realizing we have this great humanpotential. This realization can act as a sort ofbuilt-in mechanism that allows us to deal with anydifficulty, no matter what situation we are facing,without losing hope or sinking into self-hatred.”Reminding ourselves of the great qualities weshare with all human beings acts to neutralize theimpulse to think we’re bad or undeserving. ManyTibetans do this as a daily meditation practice.Perhaps that’s the reason why in Tibetan cultureself-hatred never took hold.

Part VCLOSING REFLECTIONS ONLIVING A SPIRITUAL LIFE

Chapter 15BASIC SPIRITUAL VALUESTh e art of happiness has many components. Aswe’ve seen, it begins with developing anunderstanding of the truest sources of happinessand setting our priorities in life based on the

cultivation of those sources. It involves an innerdiscipline, a gradual process of rooting outdestructive mental states and replacing them withpositive, constructive states of mind, such askindness, tolerance, and forgiveness. Inidentifying the factors that lead to a full andsatisfying life, we conclude with a discussion ofthe final component—spirituality.There is a natural tendency to associatespirituality with religion. The Dalai Lama’sapproach to achieving happiness has beenshaped by his years of rigorous training as anordained Buddhist monk. He is also widelyregarded as a preeminent Buddhist scholar. Formany, however, it is not his grasp of complexphilosophical issues that offers the most appealbut rather his personal warmth, humor, anddown-to-earth approach to life. During the

course of our conversations, in fact, his basichumanness seemed to override even his primaryrole as a Buddhist monk. Despite his shavedhead and striking maroon robes, despite hisposition as one of the most prominent religiousfigures in the world, the tone of our conversationswas simply of one human being to another,discussing the problems that we all share.In helping us understand the true meaning ofspirituality, the Dalai Lama began bydistinguishing between spirituality and religion:“I believe that it is essential to appreciate ourpotential as human beings and recognize theimportance of inner transformation. This shouldbe achieved through what could be called aprocess of mental development. Sometimes, Icall this having a spiritual dimension in our life.“There can be two levels of spirituality. One

level of spirituality has to do with our religiousbeliefs. In this world, there are so many differentpeople, so many different dispositions. There arefive billion human beings and in a certain way Ithink we need five billion different religions,because there is such a large variety ofdispositions. I believe that each individual shouldembark upon a spiritual path that is best suited tohis or her mental disposition, natural inclination,temperament, belief, family, and culturalbackground.“Now, for example, as a Buddhist monk, Ifind Buddhism to be most suitable. So, formyself, I’ve found that Buddhism is best. But thatdoes not mean Buddhism is best for everyone.That’s clear. It’s definite. If I believed thatBuddhism were best for everyone, that would befoolish, because different people have different

mental dispositions. So, the variety of peoplecalls for a variety of religions. The purpose ofreligion is to benefit people, and I think that if weonly had one religion, after a while it would ceaseto benefit many people. If we had a restaurant,for instance, and it only served one dish—dayafter day, for every meal—that restaurantwouldn’t have many customers left after a while.People need and appreciate diversity in theirfood because there are so many different tastes.In the same way, religions are meant to nourishthe human spirit. And I think we can learn tocelebrate that diversity in religions and develop adeep appreciation of the variety of religions. Socertain people may find Judaism, the Christiantradition, or the Islamic tradition to be mosteffective for them. Therefore, we must respectand appreciate the value of all the different major

world religious traditions.“All of these religions can make an effectivecontribution for the benefit of humanity. They areall designed to make the individual a happierperson, and the world a better place. However,in order for the religion to have an impact inmaking the world a better place, I think it’simportant for the individual practitioner tosincerely practice the teachings of that religion.One must integrate the religious teachings intoone’s life, wherever one is, so one can use themas a source of inner strength. And one must gaina deeper understanding of the religion’s ideas,not just on an intellectual level but with a deepfeeling, making them part of one’s innerexperience.“I believe that one can cultivate a deeprespect for all the different religious traditions.

One reason to respect these other traditions isthat all of these traditions can provide an ethicalframework which can govern one’s behavior andhave positive effects. For instance, in theChristian tradition a belief in God can provideone with a coherent and clear-cut ethicalframework which can govern one’s behavior andway of life—and it can be a very powerfulapproach because there is a certain intimacycreated in one’s relationship with God, and theway to demonstrate one’s love of God, the Godwho created you, is by showing love andcompassion to one’s fellow human beings.“I believe that there are many similar reasonsto respect other religious traditions as well. Allmajor religions, of course, have providedtremendous benefit for millions of human beingsthroughout many centuries in the past. And even

at this very moment, millions of people still get abenefit, get some kind of inspiration, from thesedifferent religious traditions. It is clear. And in thefuture also, these different religious traditions willgive inspiration to millions of coming generations.That is a fact. So therefore, it is very, veryimportant to realize that reality and respect othertraditions.“I think that one way of strengthening thatmutual respect is through closer contact betweenthose of different religious faiths—personalcontact. I have made efforts over the past fewyears to meet and have dialogues with, forexample, the Christian community and the Jewishcommunity, and I think that some really positiveresults have come of this. Through this kind ofcloser contact we can learn about the usefulcontributions that these religions have made to

humanity and find useful aspects of the othertraditions that we can learn from. We may evendiscover methods and techniques that we canadopt in our own practice.“So, it is essential that we develop closerbonds among the various religions; through thiswe can make a common effort for the benefit ofhumanity. There are so many things that dividehumanity, so many problems in the world.Religion should be a remedy to help reduce theconflict and suffering in the world, not anothersource of conflict.“We often hear people say that all humanbeings are equal. By this we mean that everyonehas the obvious desire of happiness. Everybodyhas the right to be a happy person. And everyonehas the right to overcome suffering. So ifsomeone is deriving happiness or benefit from a

particular religious tradition, it becomes importantto respect the rights of others ; thus we must learnto respect all these major religious traditions.That is clear.”During the Dalai Lama’s week of talks in Tucson,the spirit of mutual respect was more than justwishful thinking. Those of many different religioustraditions were found among the audience,including a sizable representation of Christianclergy. Despite the differences in traditions, apeaceful and harmonious atmosphere pervadedthe room. It was palpable. There was a spirit ofexchange as well, and no little curiosity amongthe non-Buddhists present about the Dalai

Lama’s daily spiritual practice. This curiosityprompted one listener to ask:“Whether one is a Buddhist or of a differenttradition, practices such as prayer seem to beemphasized. Why is prayer important for aspiritual life?”The Dalai Lama answered, “I think prayer is,for the most part, a simple daily reminder of yourdeeply held principles and convictions. I, myself,repeat certain Buddhist verses every morning.The verses may look like prayers, but they areactually reminders. Reminders of how to speakto others, how to deal with other people, how todeal with problems in your daily life, things likethat. So, for the most part, my practice involvesreminders—reviewing the importance ofcompassion, forgiveness, all these things. And, ofcourse, it also includes certain Buddhist

meditations about the nature of reality, and alsocertain visualization practices. So, in my owndaily practice, my own daily prayers, if I goleisurely, it takes about four hours. It’s quitelong.”The thought of spending four hours a day inprayer prompted another listener to ask, “I’m aworking mother with small children, with verylittle free time. For someone who is really busy,how does one find the time to do these kinds ofprayers and meditation practices?”“Even in my case, if I wish to complain, I canalways complain about lack of time,” the DalaiLama remarked. “I’m very busy. However, ifyou make the effort, you can always find sometime, say, in the early morning. Then, I think thereare some times like the weekend. You cansacrifice some of your fun,” he laughed. “So at

least, I think daily, say a half an hour. Or if youmake the effort, try hard enough, perhaps youmay be able to find, let us say, thirty minutes inthe morning and thirty minutes in the evening. Ifyou really think about it, maybe it is possible tofigure out a way of getting some time.“However, if you think seriously about thetrue meaning of spiritual practices, it has to dowith the development and training of your mentalstate, attitudes, and psychological and emotionalstate and well-being. You should not confineyour understanding of spiritual practice to termsof some physical activities or verbal activities, likedoing recitations of prayers and chanting. If yourunderstanding of spiritual practice is limited toonly these activities, then, of course, you willneed a specific time, a separate allotted time todo your practice—because you can’t go around

doing your daily chores, like cooking and so on,while reciting mantras. That could be quiteannoying to people around you. However, if youunderstand spiritual practice in its true sense, thenyou can use all twenty-four hours of your day foryour practice. True spirituality is a mentalattitude that you can practice at any time. Forexample, if you find yourself in a situation inwhich you might be tempted to insult someone,then you immediately take precautions andrestrain yourself from doing that. Similarly, if youencounter a situation in which you may lose yourtemper, immediately you are mindful and say,‘No, this is not the appropriate way.’ Thatactually is a spiritual practice. Seen in that light,you will always have time.“This reminds me of one of the TibetanKadampa masters, Potowa, who said that for a

meditator who has a certain degree of innerstability and realization, every event, everyexperience you are exposed to comes as a kindof a teaching. It’s a learning experience. This Ithink is very true.“So, from this perspective, even when you areexposed to, for instance, disturbing scenes ofviolence and sex, like in TV and films, there is apossibility to view them with an underlyingmindfulness of the harmful effects of going toextremes. Then, instead of being totallyoverwhelmed by the sight, rather you can takethese scenes as a kind of an indicator of thedamaging nature of unchecked negative emotions—something from which you can learn lessons.”

But learning lessons from old reruns of The A-Team or Melrose Place is one thing. As apracticing Buddhist, however, the Dalai Lama’spersonal spiritual regimen certainly includesfeatures unique to the Buddhist path. Indescribing his daily practice, for instance, hementioned it includes Buddhist meditations on thenature of reality, as well as certain visualizationpractices. While in the context of this discussionhe mentioned these practices only in passing,over the years I’ve had an opportunity to hearhim discuss these topics at length—his talkscomprising some of the most complexdiscussions I’ve ever heard on any subject. Histalks on the nature of reality were filled withlabyrinthine philosophical arguments andanalyses; his descriptions of Tantric visualizations

were inconceivably intricate and elaborate—meditations and visualizations whose objectiveseemed to be to construct within one’simagination a sort of holographic atlas of theuniverse. He had spent a lifetime engaged in thestudy and practice of these Buddhist meditations.It was with this in mind, knowing the monumentalscope of his efforts, that I asked him:“Can you describe the practical benefit orimpact these spiritual practices have had on yourday-to-day life?”The Dalai Lama was silent for severalmoments, then quietly replied, “Although my ownexperience may be very little, one thing that I cansay for certain is that I feel that through Buddhisttraining, I feel that my mind has become muchmore calm. That’s definite. Although the changehas come about gradually, perhaps centimeter by

centimeter,” he laughed, “I think that there hasbeen a change in my attitude towards myself andothers. Although it’s difficult to point to theprecise causes of this change, I think that it hasbeen influenced by a realization, not fullrealization, but a certain feeling or sense of theunderlying fundamental nature of reality, and alsothrough contemplating subjects such asimpermanence, our suffering nature, and the valueof compassion and altruism.“So, for example, even when thinking aboutthose Communist Chinese who inflicted greatharm on some of the Tibetan people—as a resultof my Buddhist training I feel a certaincompassion towards even the torturer, because Iunderstand that the torturer was in fact compelledby other negative forces. Because of these thingsand my Bodhisattva vows and commitments,

even if a person committed atrocities, I simplycannot feel or think that because of theiratrocities they should experience negative thingsor not experience a moment of happiness. 6 TheBodhisattva vow has helped me develop thisattitude ; it has been very useful, so naturally Ilove this vow.“This reminds me of one senior chant masterwho is staying at Namgyal Monastery. He was inChinese prisons as a political prisoner and inlabor camps for twenty years. Once I asked himwhat was the most difficult situation he facedwhen he was in prison. Surprisingly, he said thathe felt the greatest danger was of losingcompassion for the Chinese!“There are many such stories. For example,three days ago I met a monk who spent manyyears in Chinese prisons. He told me that he was

twenty-four years old at the time of the 1959Tibetan uprising. At that time he joined theTibetan forces in Norbulinga. He was caught bythe Chinese and put in prison along with threebrothers who were killed there. Two otherbrothers were also killed. Then his parents diedin a labor camp. But he told me that when he wasin prison, he reflected on his life until then andconcluded that even though he had spent hisentire life as a monk at Drepung Monastery, untilthat time he felt that he was not a good monk. Hefelt that he had been a stupid monk. At thatmoment he made a pledge that now that he wasin prison, he would try to be a genuinely goodmonk. So as a result of his Buddhist practices,because of this training of the mind, he was ableto remain mentally very happy even if he was inphysical pain. Even when he underwent torture

and severe beatings, he was able to survive it andstill feel happy by viewing it as a cleansing of hispast negative Karma.“So, through these examples, one can reallyappreciate the value of incorporating spiritualpractices within one’s everyday life.”Thus, the Dalai Lama added the finalingredient of a happier life—the spiritualdimension. Through the teachings of the Buddha,the Dalai Lama and many others have found ameaningful framework that enables them toendure and even transcend the pain and sufferingthat life sometimes brings. And as the Dalai Lamasuggests, each of the world’s major religioustraditions can offer the same opportunities to helpone achieve a happier life. The power of faith,

generated on a widespread scale by thesereligious traditions, is interwoven in the lives ofmillions. That deep religious faith has sustainedcountless people through difficult times.Sometimes it operates in small quiet ways,sometimes in profound transformativeexperiences. Every one of us, at some timeduring our lives, has no doubt witnessed thatpower operate on a family member, a friend, oran acquaintance. Occasionally, examples of thesustaining power of faith find their way onto thefront pages. Many are familiar, for instance, withthe ordeal of Terry Anderson, an ordinary manwho was suddenly kidnapped off the street inBeirut one morning in 1985. A blanket wasthrown over him, he was shoved into a car, andfor the next seven years he was held as a hostageby Hezbollah, a group of Islamic fundamentalist

extremists. Until 1991 he was imprisoned indamp, filthy basements and small cells,blindfolded and chained for extended periods,enduring regular beatings and harsh conditions.When he was finally released, the world turnedits eyes toward him and found a man overjoyedto be returned to his family and his life but withsurprisingly little bitterness and hatred toward hiscaptors. When questioned by reporters about thesource of his remarkable strength, he identifiedfaith and prayer as significant factors that helpedhim endure his ordeal.The world is filled with such examples of theways in which religious faith offers concrete helpin times of trouble. And extensive recent surveysseem to confirm the fact that religious faith cansubstantially contribute to a happier life. Thoseconducted by independent researchers and

polling organizations (such as the Gallupcompany) have found that religious people reportfeeling happy and satisfied with life more oftenthan non-religious people. Studies have foundthat not only is faith a predictor of self-reports offeelings of well-being, but a strong religious faithalso appears to help individuals deal moreeffectively with issues such as aging or copingwith personal crises and traumatic events. Inaddition, statistics show that families of those withstrong religious belief often have lower rates ofdelinquency, alcohol and drug abuse, and ruinedmarriages. There is even some evidence tosuggest that faith may have benefits for people’sphysical health—even for those with seriousillnesses. There have, in fact, been literallyhundreds of scientific and epi demiologic studiesestablishing a link between strong religious faith,

lower death rates, and improved health. In onestudy, elderly women with strong religious beliefswere able to walk farther after hip surgery thanthose with fewer religious convictions, and theywere also less depressed following the surgery. Astudy done by Ronna Casar Harris and MaryAmanda Dew at the University of PittsburghMedical Center found that heart-transplantpatients with strong religious beliefs have lessdifficulty coping with postoperative medicalregimens and display better long-term physicaland emotional health. In another, conducted byDr. Thomas Oxman and his colleagues atDartmouth Medical School, it was found thatpatients over the age of fifty-five who underwentopen-heart surgery for coronary artery or heartvalve disease and who had taken refuge in theirreligious beliefs were three times more likely to

survive than those who did not.The benefits of a strong religious faithsometimes come about as a direct product ofcertain specific doctrines and beliefs of aparticular tradition. Many Buddhists, for instance,are helped to endure their suffering as a result oftheir firm belief in the doctrine of Karma. In thesame way, those who have an unshak able faithin God are often able to withstand intensehardship because of their belief in an omniscientand loving God—a God whose plan may beobscure to us at present but One who, in Hiswisdom, will ultimately reveal His love for us.With faith in the teachings of the Bible, they cantake comfort in verses such as Romans 8:28: “Allthings work together for the good to them thatlove God, to them who are called according toHis purpose.”

Although some of the rewards of faith may bebased on specific doctrines unique to a particularreligious tradition, there are other strength-givingfeatures of a spiritual life that are common to allreligions. Involvement in any religious group cancreate a feeling of belonging, communal ties, acaring connection with fellow practitioners. Itoffers a meaningful framework in which one canconnect and relate with others. And it can giveone a feeling of acceptance. Strongly heldreligious beliefs can give one a deep sense ofpurpose, providing meaning for one’s life. Thesebeliefs can offer hope in the face of adversity,suffering, and death. They can help one adopt aneternal perspective that allows one to get outsideof oneself when overwhelmed by life’s dailyproblems.Although all these potential benefits are

available to those who choose to practice theteachings of an established religion, it is clear thathaving a religious belief alone is no guarantee ofhappiness and peace. For example, at the verysame moment Terry Anderson sat chained in acell demonstrating the finest attributes of religiousfaith, just outside his cell raged mass violence andhatred demonstrating the very worst attributes ofreligious faith. For years in Lebanon, varioussects of Muslims were at war with Christians andJews, fueled by violent hatred on all sides andresulting in unspeakable atrocities committed inthe name of faith. It’s an old story, and one thathas been told too often throughout history andrepeated too often in the modern world.Because of this potential to breed divisivenessand hatred, it is easy to lose faith in religiousinstitutions. This has led some religious figures

such as the Dalai Lama to try to distill thoseelements of a spiritual life that can be universallyapplied by any individual to enhance his or herhappiness, regardless of religious tradition orwhether he or she believes in religion.Thus, with a tone of complete conviction, theDalai Lama concluded his discussion with hisvision of a truly spiritual life:“So, in speaking of having a spiritualdimension to our lives, we have identified ourreligious beliefs as one level of spirituality. Nowregarding religion, if we believe in any religion,that’s good. But even without a religious belief,we can still manage. In some cases, we can

manage even better. But that’s our own individualright ; if we wish to believe, good! If not, it’s allright. But then there’s another level of spirituality.That is what I call basic spirituality—basichuman qualities of goodness, kindness,compassion, caring. Whether we are believers ornonbelievers, this kind of spirituality is essential. Ipersonally consider this second level ofspirituality to be more important than the first,because no matter how wonderful a particularreligion may be, it will still only be accepted by alimited number of human beings, only a portion ofhumanity. But as long as we are human beings, aslong as we are members of the human family, allof us need these basic spiritual values. Withoutthese, human existence remains hard, very dry.As a result, none of us can be a happy person,our whole family will suffer, and then, eventually,

society will be more troubled. So, it becomesclear that cultivating these kinds of basic spiritualvalues becomes crucial.“In seeking to cultivate these basic spiritualvalues, I think we need to remember that out ofthe, say, five billion human beings on this planet, Ithink perhaps one or two billion are very sincere,genuine believers in religion. Of course, when Irefer to sincere believers, I’m not including thosepeople who simply say, for example, ‘I amChristian’ mainly because their familybackground is Christian but in daily life may notconsider very much about the Christian faith oractively practice it. So excluding these people, Ibelieve that there are perhaps only around onebillion who sincerely practice their religion. Thatmeans that four billion, the majority of the peopleon this earth, are nonbelievers. So we must still

find a way to try to improve life for this majorityof the people, the four billion people who aren’tinvolved in a specific religion—ways to help thembecome good human beings, moral people,without any religion. Here I think that education iscrucial—instilling in people a sense thatcompassion, kindness, and so on are the basicgood qualities of human beings, not just a matterof religious subjects. I think earlier we spoke atgreater length about the prime importance ofhuman warmth, affection, and compassion inpeople’s physical health, happiness, and peace ofmind. This is a very practical issue, not religioustheory or philosophical speculation. It is a keyissue. And I think that this is in fact the essence ofall the religious teachings of the differenttraditions. But it remains just as crucial for thosewho choose not to follow any particular religion.

For those people, I think we can educate themand impress upon them that it’s all right to remainwithout any religion but be a good human being,a sensible human being, with a sense ofresponsibility and commitment for a better,happier world.“In general, it is possible to indicate yourparticular religious or spiritual way of life throughexternal means, such as wearing certain clothes,or having a shrine or altar in your house, or doingrecitations and chanting, and so on. There areways of demonstrating that externally. However,these practices or activities are secondary to yourconducting a truly spiritual way of life, based onthe basic spiritual values, because it is possiblethat all of these external religious activities can stillgo along with a person’s harboring a verynegative state of mind. But true spirituality should

have the result of making a person calmer,happier, more peaceful.“All of the virtuous states of mind—compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, caring, andso on—these mental qualities are genuineDharma, or genuine spiritual qualities, because allof these internal mental qualities cannot coexistwith ill feelings or negative states of mind.“So, engaging in training or a method ofbringing about inner discipline within one’s mindis the essence of a religious life, an inner disciplinethat has the purpose of cultivating these positivemental states. Thus, whether one leads a spirituallife depends on whether one has been successfulin bringing about that disciplined, tamed state ofmind and translating that state of mind into one’sdaily actions.”

The Dalai Lama was due to attend a smallreception held in honor of a group of donors whohad been strong supporters of the Tibetan cause.Outside the reception room a large crowd hadgathered in anticipation of his appearance. By thetime of his arrival the crowd had become quitedense. Among the onlookers I saw a man whomI had noticed a couple of times during the week.He was of indeterminate age, although I wouldhave guessed middle twenties, maybe earlythirties, tall and very thin. Notable for hisdisheveled appearance, he, however, had caughtmy attention because of his expression, one that Ihad frequently seen among my patients—anxious,profoundly depressed, in pain. And I thought Inoticed slight repetitive involuntary movements of

the musculature around his mouth. “Tardivedyskinesia,” I had silently diagnosed, aneurological condition caused by chronic use ofantipsychotic medication. “Poor guy,” I thoughtat the time but quickly forgot about him.As the Dalai Lama arrived, the crowdcondensed, pressing forward to greet him. Thesecurity staff, most of them volunteers, struggledto hold back the advancing mass of people andclear a path to the reception room. The troubledyoung man whom I had seen earlier, now with asomewhat bewildered expression, was crushedforward by the crowd and pushed to the edge ofthe clearing made by the security team. As theDalai Lama made his way through, he noticed theman, broke free from the mooring of the securitycrew, and stopped to talk to him. The man wasstartled at first and began to speak very rapidly

to the Dalai Lama, who spoke a few words inreturn. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, butI saw that as the man spoke, he started tobecome visibly more agitated. The man wassaying something, but instead of responding, theDalai Lama spontaneously took the man’s handbetween his, patted it gently, and for severalmoments simply stood there silently nodding. Ashe held the man’s hand firmly, looking into hiseyes, it seemed as if he were unaware of themass of people around him. The look of pain andagitation suddenly seemed to drain from theman’s face and tears ran down his cheeks.Although the smile that surfaced and slowlyspread across his features was thin, a look ofcomfort and gladness appeared in the man’seyes.The Dalai Lama has repeatedly emphasized

that inner discipline is the basis of a spiritual life.It is the fundamental method of achievinghappiness. As he explained throughout this book,from his perspective inner discipline involvescombating negative states of mind such as anger,hatred, and greed, and cultivating positive statessuch as kindness, compassion, and tolerance. Healso has pointed out that a happy life is built on afoundation of a calm, stable state of mind. Thepractice of inner discipline can include formalmeditation techniques that are intended to helpstabilize the mind and achieve that calm state.Most spiritual traditions include practices thatseek to quiet the mind, to put us more in touchwith our deeper spiritual nature. At theconclusion of the Dalai Lama’s series of publictalks in Tucson, he presented instruction on onemeditation designed to help us begin to quiet our

thoughts, observe the underlying nature of themind, and thus develop a “stillness of mind.”Looking out over the assembly, he began tospeak in his characteristic manner as if, instead ofaddressing a large group, he was personallyinstructing each individual in the audience. Attimes he was still and focused, at times moreanimated, choreo graphing his instruction withsubtle head nods, hand gestures, and gentlerocking motions.

MEDITATION ON THE NATUREOF THE MIND“The purpose of this exercise is to begin torecognize and get a feel for the nature of ourmind,” he began, “at least on a conventional level.Generally, when we refer to our ‘mind,’ we aretalking about an abstract concept. Without havinga direct experience of our mind, for example, ifwe are asked to identify the mind, we may becompelled to merely point to the brain. Or, if weare asked to define the mind, we may say it issomething that has the capacity to ‘know,’something that is ‘clear’ and ’cognitive.‘ Butwithout having directly grasped the mind through

meditative practices, these definitions are justwords. It’s important to be able to identify themind through direct experience, not just as anabstract concept. So the purpose of this exerciseis to be able to directly feel or grasp theconventional nature of the mind, so when you saythe mind has qualities of ’clarity’ and ‘cognition,’you will be able to identify it through experience,not just as an abstract concept.“This exercise helps you to deliberately stopthe discursive thoughts and gradually remain inthat state for longer and longer duration. As youpractice this exercise, eventually you will get to afeeling as if there is nothing there, a sense ofvacuity. But if you go farther, you eventuallybegin to recognize the underlying nature of themind, the qualities of ‘clarity’ and ’knowing.‘ It issimilar to having a pure crystal glass full of water.

If the water is pure, you can see the bottom ofthe glass, but you still recognize that the water isthere.“So, today, let us meditate onnonconceptuality. This is not a mere state ofdullness, or a blanked-out state of mind. Rather,what you should do is, first of all, generate thedetermination that ‘I will maintain a state withoutconceptual thoughts.’ The way in which youshould do that is this:“Generally speaking, our mind ispredominantly directed towards external objects.Our attention follows after the sense experiences.It remains at a predominantly sensory andconceptual level. In other words, normally ourawareness is directed towards physical sensoryexperiences and mental concepts. But in thisexercise, what you should do is to withdraw your

mind inward; don’t let it chase after or payattention to sensory objects. At the same time,don’t allow it to be so totally withdrawn thatthere is a kind of dullness or lack of mindfulness.You should maintain a very full state of alertnessand mindfulness, and then try to see the naturalstate of your consciousness—a state in whichyour consciousness is not afflicted by thoughts ofthe past, the things that have happened, yourmemories and remembrances; nor is it afflictedby thoughts of the future, like your future plans,anticipations, fears, and hopes. But rather, try toremain in a natural and neutral state.“This is a bit like a river that is flowing quitestrongly, in which you cannot see the riverbedvery clearly. If, however, there was some wayyou could stop the flow in both directions, fromwhere the water is coming and to where the

water is flowing, then you could keep the waterstill. That would allow you to see the base of theriver quite clearly. Similarly, when you are able tostop your mind from chasing sensory objects andthinking about the past and future and so on, andwhen you can free your mind from being totally‘blanked out’ as well, then you will begin to seeunderneath this turbulence of the thoughtprocesses. There is an underlying stillness, anunderlying clarity of the mind. You should try toobserve or experience this ...“This can be very difficult at the initial stage,so let us begin to practice from this very session.At the initial stage, when you begin to experiencethis underlying natural state of consciousness, youmight experience it in the form of some sort of‘absence.’ This is happening because we are sohabituated to understanding our mind in terms of

external objects ; we tend to look at the worldthrough our concepts, images, and so on. Sowhen you withdraw your mind from externalobjects, it’s almost as if you can’t recognize yourmind. There’s a kind of absence, a kind ofvacuity. However, as you slowly progress andget used to it, you begin to notice an underlyingclarity, a luminosity. That’s when you begin toappreciate and realize the natural state of themind.“Many of the truly profound meditativeexperiences must come on the basis of this kindof stillness of mind.... Oh,” the Dalai Lamalaughed, “I should warn that in this type ofmeditation, since there is no specific object tofocus on, there is a danger of falling asleep.“So, now let us meditate ...“To begin, first do three rounds of breathing,

and focus your attention simply on the breath.Just be aware of inhaling, exhaling, and theninhaling, exhaling—three times. Then, start themeditation.”The Dalai Lama removed his glasses, foldedhis hands in his lap, and remained motionless inmeditation. Total silence pervaded the hall, asfifteen hundred people turned inward, in thesolitude of fifteen hundred private worlds,seeking to still their thoughts and perhaps catch aglimpse of the true nature of their own mind.After five minutes, the silence was cracked butnot broken as the Dalai Lama began to chantsoftly, his voice low and melodic, gently leadinghis listeners from their meditation. At the close ofthe session that day, as always, the Dalai Lamafolded his hands together, bowed to his audienceout of affection and respect, rose, and made his

way through the surrounding crowd. His handsremained clasped together and he continued tobow as he left the room. As he walked throughthe dense crowd he bowed so low, in fact, thatfor anyone who stood more than a few feetaway, it was impossible to see him. He appearedto be lost in a sea of heads. From a distance onecould still detect his path, however, from thesubtle shift in the crowd’s movement as hepassed along. It was as if he had ceased to be avisible object and had simply become a feltpresence.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTSThis book would not exist without the efforts andkindness of many people. First, I would like toextend my heartfelt thanks to Tenzin Gyatso, thefourteenth Dalai Lama, with deep gratitude for hisboundless kindness, generosity, inspiration, andfriendship. And to my parents, James and BettieCutler, in loving memory, for providing thefoundation for my own path to happiness in life.My sincere thanks extends to many others:

To Dr. Thupten Jinpa for his friendship, hishelp in editing the Dalai Lama’s portions of thisbook, and his critical role in acting as interpreterfor the Dalai Lama’s public talks and many of ourprivate conversations. Also to Lobsang Jordhen,the Ven. Lhakdor, for acting as interpreter for anumber of my conversations with the Dalai Lamain India.To Tenzin Geyche Tethong, Rinchen Dharlo,and Dawa Tsering, for their support andassistance in many ways over the years.To the many people who worked so hard toassure that the Dalai Lama’s 1993 visit toArizona was a rewarding experience for so manyothers: to Claude d‘Estree, Ken Bacher, and theboard and staff of Arizona Teachings, Inc., toPeggy Hitchcock and the board of ArizonaFriends of Tibet, to Dr. Pam Willson and those

who helped organize the Dalai Lama’s address atArizona State University, and to the dozens ofdedicated volunteers for their tireless efforts onbehalf of all those who attended the Dalai Lama’steachings in Arizona.To my extraordinary agents, Sharon Friedmanand Ralph Vicinanza, and their wonderful staff,for their encouragement, kindness, dedication,help in many aspects of this project, and hardwork above and beyond the call of duty. I owethem a special debt of gratitude.To those who provided invaluable editorialassistance, insight, and expertise, as well aspersonal support during the lengthy writingprocess: to Ruth Hapgood for her skillful effortsin editing earlier versions of the manuscript, toBarbara Gates and Dr. Ronna Kabatznick fortheir indispensable help in wading through

voluminous material and focusing and organizingthat material into a coherent structure, and to myvery talented editor at Riverhead, Amy Hertz, forbelieving in the project and helping shape thebook into its final form. Also to Jennifer Repoand the hard-working copy editors and staff atRiverhead Books. I would also like to extendwarm thanks to those who helped transcribe theDalai Lama’s public talks in Arizona, type thetranscripts of my conversations with the DalaiLama, and type parts of the earliest versions ofthe manuscript.In closing, my profound thanks:To my teachers.

To my family and the many friends who haveenriched my life in more ways than I can express:to Gina Beckwith Eckel, Dr. David Weiss andDaphne Atkeson, Dr. Gillian Hamilton, HelenMitsios, David Greenwalt, Dale Brozosky, KristiIngham Espinasse, Dr. David Klebanoff,Henrietta Bernstein, Tom Minor, Ellen WyattGothe, Dr. Gail McDonald, Larry Cutler, RandyCutler, Lori Warren, and with special thanks anddeep appreciation to Candee and Scott Briertey—and to other friends whom I may have failed tomention here by name, but whom I hold in myheart with continued love, gratitude, and respect.

THE ART OF HAPPINESS BOOKSERIESThe Art of Happiness: A Handbook forLiving, 10th Anniversary Edition, by HisHoliness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler,M.D. New York: Riverhead Books, 2009(originally published 1998).

The Art of Happiness at Work by His Holinessthe Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D.New York: Riverhead Books, 2003.The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World byHis Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C.Cutler, M.D. New York: Doubleday 2009.The Art of Happiness book project is a series ofbooks on the theme of human happiness, writtenby His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C.Cutler, M.D. The books examine various facetsof human happiness from both Eastern andWestern perspectives. Since the originalpublication of The Art of Happiness: A

Handbook for Living in 1998, there has been arapidly growing interest in the subject ofhappiness worldwide, including a new field ofpsychology devoted to the scientific study ofhuman happiness and flourishing. During theseyears, the Dalai Lama and Dr. Cutler havecontinued their collaboration.

ABOUT THE AUTHORSHis Holiness the Dalai Lama was born on July 6,1935, to a poor farming family in northeasternTibet. At the age of two he was recognized asthe Dalai Lama, the spiritual and temporal leaderof Tibet, the fourteenth in a succession datingback six hundred years. At age six he began hislifelong training as a Buddhist monk. Since 1959,he has lived in exile from Tibet in Dharamsala,

India. His tireless efforts on behalf of humanrights, world peace, and basic human values havebrought him international recognition. He is therecipient of numerous honors and awards,including the 1989 Nobel Peace Prize and a U.S.Congressional Gold Medal.For more information about the Dalai Lama,including his schedule of teachings, visit:www.dalailama.com.Howard C. Cutler, M.D., is a psychiatrist,bestselling author, and speaker. He is coauthorwith His Holiness the Dalai Lama of theacclaimed Art of Happiness series of books,which have been translated into fifty languages

and have appeared on bestseller lists around theworld. As a leading expert on the science ofhuman happiness and a pioneer in the field ofpositive psychology, Dr. Cutler gives keynotepresentations, leads workshops, and teachescourses on happiness throughout the world.He is a diplomate of the American Board ofPsychiatry and Neurology and is on the editorialboard of the American Journal ofPsychotherapy. Dr. Cutler has dedicated his lifeto helping others find greater happiness,fulfillment, and success. He lives in Phoenix.For more information about The Art ofHappiness, including books, workshops, andcourses, or to contact Dr. Cutler, please visit:www. theartofhappiness.com.

1The term Dharma has many connotations but noprecise English equivalent. It is most often usedto refer to the teachings and doctrine of theBuddha, including the scriptural tradition as wellas the way of life and spiritual real izations thatresult from the application of the teachings.Sometimes Buddhists use the word in a moregeneral sense—to signify spiritual or religiouspractices in general, universal spiritual law, or thetrue nature of phenomena—and use the termBuddhadharma to refer more specifically to theprinciples and practices of the Buddhist path. TheSanskrit word Dharma is derived from theetymological root meaning “to hold,” and in thiscontext the word has a broader meaning: anybehavior or understanding that serves “to holdone back” or protect one from experiencing

suffering and its causes.2In Buddhist philosophy, “Buddha Nature” refersto an underlying, basic, and most subtle nature ofmind. This state of mind, present in all humanbeings, is completely untainted by negativeemotions or thoughts.3The Cabinet of the Tibetan government-in-exile.4Samsara (Skt.) is a state of existencecharacterized by endless cycles of life, death, andrebirth. This term also refers to our ordinary stateof day-to-day existence, which is characterizedby suffering. All beings remain in this state,propelled by karmic imprints from past actionsand negative “delusory” states of mind, until oneremoves all negative tendencies of mind and

achieves a state of Liberation.5The Potala was the traditional winter palace ofthe Dalai Lamas, and a symbol of the religiousand historical heritage of Tibet. Originally built bythe Tibetan King Song-tsen Gampo in theseventh century, it was later destroyed and notrebuilt until the seventeenth century by the fifthDalai Lama. The current structure rises a majestic440 feet from the summit of the “Red Hill” inLhasa. It is over a quarter mile long, thirteenstories high, and filled with over a thousandchambers, assembly halls, shrines, and chapels.6In the Bodhisattva vow, the spiritual traineeaffirms his intention to become a Bodhisattva. ABodhisattva, literally translated as the “awakeningwarrior,” is one who, out of love and

compassion, has attained a realization ofBodhicitta, a mental state characterized by thespontaneous and genuine aspiration to attain fullEnlightenment in order to be of benefit to allbeings.