200607 - English Language Learning

***84 ‘They Said I Couldn’t’GARY SLEDGESix inspiring stories of peoplewho never gave up.109 You Be the JudgeROBIN GERBERIf you jump in the ocean, youswim at your own risk. Right?112 StarstruckPETER LESCHAKWhen I finally bought a fancytelescope, I saw the universein a whole new light.H AMERICA IN YOUR POCKET H**JULY2006116 How Rude Are You?NEENA SAMUEL & JOSEPH K. VETTERCourtesy is kaput. Or is it?Our global survey will surprise you.122 Dam Break!WILLIAM M. HENDRYXThe family was fast asleep.The next moment they werefighting for their lives.130 Face to Face withUma Thurman LAURA YORKEOn breaking up, bouncing back,and why it’s great to vent.Summer Weight-Loss Special92 ControlYour CravingsPAULA DRANOVGo ahead, take a bite.Ten new ways tooutwit your weight.476*The Next DisasterARE WEREADY?ALICE LIPOWICZA special reporton 10 high-riskcities.FEATURES98 When It Paysto PlayKATHRYN CASEYRemember how activewe used to be? Here’s howto get back in the habit.COVER: (THURMAN) YARIV MILCHAN; (BACKGROUND) SUSAN GOLDMANMANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS

102Why Me?LISA COLLIER COOLHeather was only 33and had never smoked.How could she havelung cancer?PHOTOGRAPHED BY SHONNA VALESKA136 Cheated Out ofHouse and HomeMAX ALEXANDERDon’t let these latest scamshappen to you.143 Stray Fromthe Heart ALANNA NASHJordie the cat came into our livesat exactly the right time.146 Secrets and LiesLAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAMTo claim his inheritance, he’d haveto reveal his true identity.*ON THE COVER*154 No Pain, No Pills“MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN”How to keep your aching backor trick knee from ruiningyour life.162 BONUS READSHIPWRECKEDKENNETH MILLERA family’s dream trip aroundthe world suddenly turnedinto a nightmare.5

JULY2006COLUMNS33 That’s Outrageous!Bad Lawsuits MICHAEL CROWLEY45 My Planet ANDY SIMMONS51 Health IQ MICHAEL F. ROIZEN, MD, & MEHMET C. OZ, MD57 Money Makers MARIA BARTIROMO67 Ask Laskas JEANNE MARIE LASKAS200 RD Challenge WILL SHORTZ19 Feeling jammed yet?DEPARTMENTS15 You Said It19 Only in America27 Everyday Heroes41 Word Power60 Humor in Uniform63 All in a Day’s Work75 Quotable Quotes152 Laughter, the Best Medicine197 Life in These United States179 RDLIVING75All-AmericanThis Fourth of July, get away withoutleaving home. Picnic on firecrackerfried chicken, sip a healthy new icedtea, and play a round of Qolf whileFido puzzles over Molecuball.180 Health184 Food188 Home190 Cars192 You194 PetsLWA/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGES MCALISTER/BURKEY/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGESILLUSTRATED BY KIRSTEN ULVE

RD PresentsPicnic Time!(great, free recipes)Reader’s Digest is proud toannounce a new partnershipwith Allrecipes.com, theworld’s largest onlinecommunity of home cooks.The site features 30,000 greatAmerican recipes, each created,tested and reviewed by users. And just in time for summer,Allrecipes.com is offering a collection of its Top Ten 5-star (★★★★★)picnic recipes—exclusively for you. This 12-page gift to RD readers is availablefor free download at allrecipes.com/picnic.So take a look, grab your shopping list, andput together an outdoor feast your family canreally dig into.Summer Slim-DownReady to put on that swimsuit? If not,ChangeOne, RD’s officialdiet and fitness program,can help you meetyour goals. Get onemonth free! For details,visit changeonediet.com/summer.Pain at the PumpGas prices got you down? Duringthis vacation driving season,make a pledge to consume lessfuel by using some of our save-agallontips. Even little changeshelp! Go to rd.com/saveagallon to learn more.8RD DIGITALCheck out our high-tech offerings.>>RD.COMThe family-friendly place to go forgames, jokes, recipes, story updates,interviews, RD exclusives, contests,customer care (rd.com/help) and more.>>RD OUT LOUDrd.com/podcastsWeekly podcasts that takeyou behind the scenes.>>DIGITAL EDITIONrd.com/digitalEach month’s issue delivered rightto your computer.WARD SCHUMAKER

GO AHEAD: MAKE US LAUGHEveryone has a funny story. Just send us yours, and ifwe publish it in Reader’s Digest, you’ll be laughing allthe way to the bank. Here’s how it works:WE PAY$100-$300for material we print in Life in These United States, All in a Day’s Work,Humor in Uniform, and $100 for material we print in Laughter, the BestMedicine, Quotable Quotes or elsewhere.THE RULESPlease note your name, address and phone number with all submissions.Previously published material must include the name, date, page number,Web address or other source identification. Original items should be lessthan 100 words, and if we select and pay for your item, we will own allrights. All contributions may be edited and cannot be acknowledged orreturned. We may run your item in any section of our magazines, orelsewhere. If we receive morethan one copy of the sameor a similar item, we payonly for the one we select.HOW TO SUBMITJOKES ANDANECDOTES■ Go to rd.com/joke tosubmit original material■ To enclose funnyitems clipped fromother sources, mail to:Humor, Reader’sDigest, Box 100,Pleasantville,New York 10572-0100Rates are subject to change;for current information,please visit rd.com.12ILLUSTRATED BY BENITA EPSTEIN

YOU SAID ITLETTERS ON THE MAY ISSUEAmerica’s100 BestEthan berman,head of Risk-Metrics Group, isan example of what aleader should be (#93,Best Payback). In thisage of scandals, hugebonuses and corporatebankruptcies, he is unique for acknowledginghis “overly generousraise” was “due more to his workers’efforts than his own.”KATHLEEN HOOVER, Holtwood, PennsylvaniaThe giant peach water tower inGaffney, South Carolina (#46, BestSkyscrapers) isn’t just a water towerto my family. Our youngest is treatedat Shriners Hospital for Children inGreenville, and the drive there isover six hours. The giant peach isour landmark for “almost there!”SUSAN JACKSON, Columbia, North CarolinaI’ve got more entries for #10, BestStreet Names: Avenue Avenue inWhite Oak, North Carolina; StreetStreet in Anoka, Minnesota; WayCool Way in Wishon, California;Losers Loop in Sula, Montana; andthe “last” street in the country—ZZZZ Street in Kearney, Nebraska.JOE SNYDER, Nipomo, CaliforniaThe air tent (#36,Best Cover-Up) caughtmy attention. When myhusband and I werehoneymooning in Spain,we rented a tent froman elderly British coupleand camped on thebeach. The small tenthad crisscross “airbeams” with an extensionpole in the center.Five minutes with a foot pump, andwe had it standing.Well, what goes up must comedown. When we finally emergedfrom the collapsed tent the nextmorning, sweating, disheveled andlooking like a couple of newlywedswho’d made a night of it, we weregreeted by our highly amused hosts.We suspected they’d unscrewedthe valve and had a little fun at ourexpense. They predicted that withour sense of humor and knack forteamwork, we’d have a long, happymarriage. And we certainly did—35 years. SHIRLEY KUKTA, Lake Forest, CaliforniaA Promise KeptTom hallman’s story about AntonioSeay, the young man whogot legal custody of his siblings,was incredible (“Brotherly Love”).With many of our young peoplefalling victim to drugs and lack of15

ONLY INAmericaIDEAS, TRENDS, AND INTERESTING BITS FROM ALL OVERMCALISTER/BURKEY/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGESGetting Mighty Crowded in HereDoes it feel like it’s harder than ever tomaintain your personal space? Maybeit is. Sometime this October, the CensusBureau predicts, the U.S. population willtop 300 million. That’s nearly double thenumber of people who called this countryhome just 50 years ago. No wonderthere’s less elbowroom.The United States, it seems, is goingthrough an adolescent growth spurt. Thenation added 32.7 million people duringthe 1990s—the highest one-decade increasein the nation’s history. The surgeisn’t slowing down: Experts see the populationapproaching 400 million by 2040.Meanwhile, we’ve got only so muchspace. We can’t just expand to handlethe growth. So we’ll have to accept morebumping up against one another—andlearn to do it with minimal bruising.“The more people we have in a limitedterritory,” says Joel Cohen, demographerand author of How Many PeopleCan the Earth Support? “the morewe’ll have to make trade-offs.”Here’s one to consider: Let’spreserve our wide-open spaces.They come in handy when wecan flee the crowds.Learnmore from theNature Conservancy.Visit rd.com/green.19

RD I JULY 2006Bleacher CreaturesTalk about the dog days of summer. More andmore Major League baseball teams—including theChicago White Sox, Florida Marlins and, this year,the Oakland Athletics—now host a bring-yourpooch-to-the-parkpromotion each season.(Chicago’s came first, in 1996.) In mostcases, a section of outfield stands is reservedfor fans and their pet pals, with specificareas set aside for when naturecalls. And if Rex doesn’t reach thedesignated spot in time? Guess that’swhen you count on your cleanup hitter.THE BIG IDEAA Sweet ChangeA year ago, Kimberly Reindl, 35, was anFCC lawyer in Washington, D.C. PeterClement, 38, was a financial analyst.They and friend Paul Allulis, 38, also alawyer, had secure, high-paying jobs.But “we all felt we were lacking somethingin our careers,” says Clement.That something turned out to bechocolate.In spring 2005, Reindl read about anOregon-based company called Vocation-Vacations. Started in 2004 by BrianKurth, a former corporate exec who’dseen his father work for years in aninsurance job he hated, the firm offerspeople the chance to test-drive adream by spending up to severaldays working at one of 75jobs—actor, brewmaster, cattlerancher—with a pro.Demand surely exists forsuch a service. A 2004 Uni-versity of Phoenix survey found that 23percent of working adults don’t like theircareers and want to switch—just like theWashington crew. The trio signed up, viaKurth, to work last year under masterPortland chocolatier Jack Elmer, spendinglong hours cranking out truffles—andloving it. Soon after getting home, Reindland Clement quit their jobs (and selfemployedAllulis says he’ll join themfull-time soon). Now they’re orderinggear, testing recipes and preparing toopen their new Baltimore store, ManzanitaChocolate, later this year. Callit their just deserts.From left:Allulis,Reindl,Clement20

RD I JULY 2006Forget the Lipstick,Just Pass the SoapChalk up another milestoneon the march towardgender equality: Thesedays, women swear as much asmen—sometimes more. A recentAP/Ipsos poll found that61% of women ages 18-44 swearat least a few times a week (a percentage equal to that of men the sameage); nearly 1 in 4 of these young women swear several times a day. Amongmen 45 and up, 48% swear a few times a week; 14%, a few times a day.Where do they pick up this habit? Not Mom: Just 4% of women over 45swear a few times a day. So let’s not blame them for this new family curse.Stuff That’s Really Out of This WorldDid you know that NASA’s mission includes spinning its technology off into theprivate sector? Check out these recent space-age gems it’s helped create:PRODUCTEXTRATERRESTRIAL EDGEARTIGA PHOTO/MASTERFILEThe MosquitoKilling SystemTheHutchSnuggleGOLD-TOESocksWith OutlastDigital Media,Inc.’s fishlocatorDeveloped by an American firm with help from engineers atNASA’s Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama, thisdevice emits heat and carbon dioxide to mimic a tasty, breathinghuman. Its interior electric grid then fries hungry bugs.This U.K.-built outdoor home for pet rabbits iskinder to critters than its bug-zapping cousin.Its NASA-designed fabric walls keep hutch temperaturesconstant—and bunnies cozy—regardlessof weather conditions outside.Outlast’s NASA-developed Smart Fabric Technologymoderates temperature and wicks away moisturein men’s GOLDTOE All Day Comfort socks madewith these fibers. Also available in select khakis andEddie Bauer sweaters.A GPS/satellite-info system that claims to detect wherefish are hiding. And once you’ve cleaned and cookedyour catch, wash it down with a big glass of Tang.22

Worth Checking OutBefore You Check InDomestic travel is up, withtourists expected to spend$674 billion jetting aroundthe country this year. That’s fuelinga hotel-building boom: Nearly450,000 new rooms are in thepipeline. Owners of existing hotelsare responding with a makeoverfrenzy. “Renovation is the order ofthe day,” says Pat Ford of LodgingEconometrics, a lodging-industryconsulting firm. The upshot: Hoteliersare ditching furniture—everythingfrom bed sets to drapes to armchairs—that smart shoppers can find for low pricesat stores like Hotel Surplus Outlet in Los Angeles.One more reason not to swipe the towels.CHRIS CRAYMER/STONE/GETTY IMAGESRD INDEXA quick review of some of the good, bad and ugly to cross our radar recently.YEANAYSoft-drink makers For agreeing to stopselling most sodas in schools. A smallstep, and a bit late, too,but we’ll raise a glass,since it should help improvechildren’s health.William Swanson For trying to passoff as original wisdom material thatwasn’t his in Swanson’s UnwrittenRules of Management. The RaytheonCEO broke one of the most basic rules:Don’t claim others’ work as your own.The U.S. Postal Service For its proposalto create a new “forever” stampfor first-class mail. Once bought, thestamp could be used at any time in thefuture without a sender needing to addpostage when rates increase. That’swhat we call pushing the envelope.The U.S. Postal ServiceFor tying its good ideato a bad one: a new ratehike. The service wants to raise theprice of a stamp from 39 to 42 centsnext year—after boosting it by 2 centsin January. Return this one to sender.24

ONLY IN AMERICATHINGS We Don’t Want You to Miss(CAR) COURTESY SONY PICTURES CLASSICSRD’s picks for greatways to spend yourfree time this monthGAMEaBRIDGEd teaches beginnersthe basics ofbridge, making it easyfor thewholefamilyto enjoyplayinga hand.Hard totrumpthat.MOVIEOn sale mid-JulyBOOKJohn McPhee’s UncommonCarriers is a rollickingportrait of Americafrom the sometimesscary vantage point ofbarge captains, truckdrivers and freight-trainengineers who haul allthe stuff—from seafoodto coal—that weconsume. Hopaboard foran eyeopeningride. On sale nowTV SHOWWith Katie Couric tappedto helm CBS EveningNews, PBS’s AmericanMasters looks at iconicanchor Walter Cronkite,“the most trusted man inAmerica.” Airs 7/26The higher gas prices rise, themore we think about otheroptions. In his documentaryWho Killedthe Electric Car?Chris Paine probesthe tortured life ofwhat once lookedto be a promisingalternative. Rightor wrong about where the blame for the car’s failure lies—and there seems to beplenty to go around—it’s a timely take on an important topic. Opens 6/28CDOn The River in Reverse,British songsmith ElvisCostello teams with NewOrleans rhythm-andblueslegend Allen Toussaintto produce a batchof smoky, swampy andsoulful songs. Listeningto it, the Crescent Citysounds so strong you’dthink the hurricanenever hit. On sale 6/825

EVERYDAY HEROESTakingthePlungeBY GAIL CAMERONWESCOTTJust past noonon a clear, windyday last September,Jonah Spearand Paul Cannon werein the final stages of preparing tenstudents, mostly beginners, to soarthrough the air on a flying trapeze.Catching them midair would be the6'4" Cannon, swinging upside downfrom the opposite direction withoutstretched hands. Spear, a 24-yearoldactor and gymnast, handled thesafety lines from below. “Like yousee in the circus,” says Cannon, 41.Situated outdoors in lowerManhattan’s Hudson River Park,Trapeze School New York lookslike a giant aluminum junglegymfor grownups. Its takeoff platforms,23 feet in the air, offer spectacularviews of the Statue of Liberty andEllis Island—which, Spear pointsFortunately, trapeze instructors Jonah Spear (left)and Paul Cannon can also handle themselves in water.out, can be a comforting distractionfor novice daredevils who experiencelast-minute jitters.Since the school opened in 2001,nearly 17,000 people have felt thethrill and exhilaration of flyingthrough the air. Many return againand again. (Business is boomingsince Al Roker, Kelly Ripa and othershave taken their turns on TV.)Cannon and Spear have beenteaching since the school’s first days.Spear learned trapeze flying as ateenager, at a summer camp specializingin circus performing. Whena friend told him about TrapezeSchool, he showed up on the secondday, asking if more staff was needed.PHOTOGRAPHED BY MARVI LACAR/GETTY IMAGES 27

RD I JULY 2006The answer was yes. Cannon, whowas already on-board, trained him.Classes run two hours, and thatThursday morning, the group hadbeen working for nearly an hour anda half. Spear was holding the safetylines for a student swinging on thebar, while Cannon changed into“Got any rope?” a policeofficer called. “There’sa guy in the river.”tights and prepared to mount theladder for the culminating “catchphase” of the class.Suddenly a police officer appearedat the front gate. “Got any rope?” hecalled. “There’s a guy in the river.”His tone seemed more matter-of-factthan urgent. Cannon went to theequipment shed to grab a spool ofrope, while Spear kept working.“Forward drop!” he yelled to hisstudent, who, on command, plungedtwo stories into the net below. Asthe young woman scrambled to herfeet, Spear stopped the class andjoined Cannon at the edge of theHudson River, just 40 feet fromthe school.They expected to toss a line tosomeone splashing around or hangingonto the retaining wall. Instead,looking into the murky water, theycould barely make out a shadow.“He’s sinking!” yelled someone inthe small crowd that had gathered.“He’s under the water!” Police officerswere busy tying the end of the28rope to a guardrail, but no one elseappeared to be taking any action.“A lot of people seemed to expectsomebody to do something,” saysSpear. The two trapeze instructorsdecided they were on deck. Cannondived in first, and Spear, carryingthe end of the rope, jumped rightafter him, wallet and cellphone still in his pocket,sneakers on his feet.The water was lukewarmand choppy, so dirty downbelow that it was impossibleto see anything. Cannon swamas deep as he could and came upempty. The victim was obviouslysinking fast.“We looked at each other,” saysSpear, “and knew, without saying it,that the next dive was it. We bothwent down.”This rescue mission was not unlikewhat the two men do togetherevery day. “My extensive experiencehurling myself to unimaginableheights and letting Paul catch memade it very easy to jump in thewater with him,” says Spear. “We’veboth tied knots and hung ropes onwhich the other’s life depends.”At a depth of about ten feet,Cannon literally bumped into thedrowning man. Groping clumsily,he managed to grab one wrist. Inblue jeans and boots, the man wasdead weight. And although Cannonwas in great physical shape—he’s anexpert mountaineer who recentlysummited Kilimanjaro—he wasrapidly running out of breath. Kick-

RD I JULY 2006ing as hard as he could, he struggledto push the victim to the surface.Spear swam over with the ropeand helped raise the man’s headhigher out of the water. His eyeswere rolled back, and foam wascoming out of his mouth. Certain hewas dead, they strained to get therope around his body. But the thin,lightweight cord used in trapezespottingwas difficult to hold in thewater, and they couldn’t get enoughslack to tug him out.Noticing some students standingonshore, Spear yelled for someoneto toss down a safety belt. He divedagain and managed to get the beltaround the man’s waist and the ropethrough one of the buckles.Finally, police were able to pullthe victim from the Hudson. By thetime Cannon and Spear climbedout of the water, 23-year-old JamesKue was lying on his back receivingCPR from one of the trapeze students.Audra Alexander, a stay-athomemom from Indiana, used toteach CPR, so she knew just what todo. After four cycles of chest compressionsand breaths—nearly twominutes—the young man spit outa mouthful of water and startedto breathe again.Alexander rolled him over onhis side into what’s called recoveryposition—arm up under his headand one knee bent. The rest of thestudents gathered around to shieldhim from the bright sunlight untilan ambulance arrived.A few days later, Spear and Cannonwent to visit James Kue inBellevue Hospital. Turns out he wasvisiting from Michigan and hadbeen in New York for only a fewdays. He said he had no memory ofeven being in the water, and no cluehow he wound up there. (Accordingto the police report, no one is certainexactly what happened.)“It was so amazing to see himwith color in his cheeks, breathing,”says Spear. He took Kue’s hand andtold him, “You got another chance.Now you can do anything.”At Christmas, Kue sent an e-mailto his rescuers, saying thanks, andannouncing that he hopes to returnto Manhattan one day for a goodswing on the trapeze.HEY, WE GOT ONE!30My geography teacher always toldus that not many people lived inWyoming. But I never knew justhow rare human sightings wereuntil I came across a recentnewspaper headline. It screamed“Man Found in Wyoming.”LOWELL WEEDFILLERS ILLUSTRATED BY JAMES MCMULLAN

® THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!MICHAEL CROWLEYLawsuit LunacyThere’s big money in blaming others for yourown bad luck. Too bad it costs all of us.PHOTOGRAPHED BY KAREN BALLARD/REDUXThree years ago BobDougherty had some bumluck at a Home Depot inLouisville, Colorado.Dougherty sat down on a toilet inthe store’s bathroom—and couldn’tget up. A prankster had smearedglue on the seat, and Dougherty wasbonded to the toilet. As paramedicsrushed him to the hospital, thetoilet seat came free—but notwithout leaving some skin behind.Ouch!Sounds like Doughertyhad a horrible day, right?Not necessarily. You see,Dougherty is hoping to turnthat really bad day into a reallybig payday. About two yearsafter the incident, Doughertywrote to Home Depot demanding$3 million in damages. When thecompany offered him just $2,000,he sued. Dougherty argued thatthe store was slow to help himand paper seat covers shouldMichael Crowley is a senioreditor at The New Republic.ILLUSTRATED BY VICTOR JUHASZhave been available. Was he laughedout of court? Hardly. The lawsuit isslowly moving forward. Meanwhile,the jerk who actually put glue on thetoilet was never caught.Three million bucks over toiletseatcovers? That’s what passes for alegitimate lawsuit these days. Peoplethink the courtroom is theproper place to take33

RD I JULY 2006any beef, no matter how petty, embarrassingor absurd. “This is acountry where it’s hard to satirizewhat people sue over, because ittends to be overtaken by the reality,”says Walter Olson, a ManhattanInstitute fellow and the editor ofOverlawyered.com. “And themessage some of these lawsuitsOne man backed a citydump truck into his owncar and sued the city.send is that if something bad hashappened to you, it must be someoneelse’s fault, and you must beowed compensation.”It’s not just ridiculous—it affectsall of us. Our society has become sosue-happy that the average federaldistrict judge fields 400 new casesa year. With dockets so clogged withjunk, it can take years for any legitimatecase to wind its way throughthe courts. Justice delayed is justicedenied.All of these loony lawsuits hit ourwallets too. Insurance premiumsskyrocket as everyone scramblesto cover his behind, court costs rise,and astronomical settlements depresscorporate earnings and shareholdervalue. According to a WhiteHouse Council of Economic Advisorsestimate, the United States suffersan excessive “litigation tax” ofOutraged? Write to Michael Crowleyat outrageous@rd.com.34$136 billion per year. Meanwhile, thepersonal-injury lawyers—whosesmiling faces are plastered everywhereon ads encouraging us to jointhe lawsuit parade—are laughing allthe way to the bank.These days, even people behavingin reckless or flat-out illegal wayswant to blame someone when theirown stupidity burns them.Take Juan Alejandro Soto,who, after a night of drinking,arrived with his friendsat a closed New York Citysubway platform. Ratherthan return to street level, the mendecided to trek to the next stationalong a nonpublic catwalk. (Everhear of a taxi, guys?) Sure enough, atrain came along. But instead ofstanding as far from the tracks aspossible, Soto tried to outrun it and,tragically, was struck, losing bothhis legs.Soto didn’t curse his foolishnessand give thanks he wasn’t killed,however. He sued. Soto argued thatthe conductor should have beenable to stop before hitting him, atheory he bolstered by describingthe typical speed he previouslyreached on a treadmill. Incredibly,last March, a jury awarded Soto$1.4 million, despite a dissentingjudge who said that Soto’s injurieswere “entirely his own fault.”But in our upside-down legalsystem, the word fault can meanstrange things. For instance, in May2003, a trucker was driving on apublic road near Cedar Springs,

THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!Michigan, when a small Cessnaclipped the top of his landscapingvehicle and crashed into a field.Miraculously, no one was hurt, andit all seemed like a freak accident.So imagine how the owner of Dean’sLandscaping felt when he found outthat the plane owners wanted himto pay $21,000 for damages to theCessna. The plane owners contendedthat, under the state’s nofaultinsurance law, they weren’ttechnically operating a “vehicle,”and because the plane was in theair, the incident didn’t occur on aroad—which meant they were entitledto compensation. It’s a kookyargument, but two judges agreed,and the landscaper’s insurance companycoughed up the damages.And nothing takes the cake likesomeone who actually tries tosue himself. That’s what happenedrecently in Lodi, California. CurtisGokey was driving a city dumptruck when he managed to backthe truck into a car—his own car.Incredibly, Gokey filed a claimagainst the city seeking $3,600 indamages. His claim hilariouslystated that “my personal vehiclewas parked and backed into by acity vehicle,” neatly skipping thefact that he did the backing into.There is a small glimmer of hope:Abusing the courts can backfire.One night in 2004, two Coloradoteenage girls knocked on a neighbor’sdoor and dashed off, leavingbehind a gift of cookies and afriendly note. Sounds sweet, doesn’tit? But for Wanita Renea Young, itwas a traumatic experience. Youngwas terrified by the mystery knock;she spent the night at her sister’shouse and went to the hospital thenext day with an anxiety attack. Allover a knock and some cookies!After gently scolding the girls forbeing out late (it was after 10 p.m.),a judge ended up awarding Young$900 for her hospital bill. But in theensuing media flurry, the girls werecelebrated as heroes—and Younglooked like a scrooge.You can almost go on forever.There’s the pimp in Floridawho sued his clients for gettinghim arrested. Or theNew Mexico woman who took outa restraining order against DavidLetterman after claiming he washarassing her by code on his TVshow. Or the woman suing SeminoleCounty, Florida, after she trippedover a pine cone in a county parkinglot. Got any shame, people?With greedy lawyers poised totake advantage of every goofymishap, dreams of big bucks havereplaced common sense. To rein inthis lawsuit abuse, some members ofCongress have proposed puttingcaps on lawyers’ fees and damageawards, and switching class-actionsuits from state to federal courts.But until that happens, my advice isthat you retain a good lawyer—andtry not to drive into any airplanes.Want to help stop lawsuit lunacy? Tofind out how, go to rd.com/lawsuit.35

WORD POWER ®Revolution! It was 230 years ago that our FoundingFathers finished the Declaration of Independence.So this month we used words from thathistoric document for our quiz. A lot has changedsince 1776, but many word meanings remain thesame. Light the fireworks. Answers on next page.1. refute v.—A: to starta fight. B: prove to befalse. C: plan an escape.D: join together.2. tyrant n.—A: angry speech.B: bushy beard.C: unjust ruler.D: rebel leader.3. barbarous adj.—A: thorny. B: rugged.C: cruel. D: well cooked.4. sufferance n.—A: unfair law. B: patientendurance. C: right tovote. D: objection.5. candid adj.—A: openand sincere. B: holdinghigh honor. C: showingoptimism. D: hopeless.6. plunder v.—A: to rob.B: plot against. C: makenoise. D: deceive.7. compliance n.—A: actof conforming. B: showof protest. C: efficiency.D: lack of concern.8. formidable adj.—A: self-centered. B: wellplanned out. C: powerfulor impressive. D: overlycomplicated.9. impel v.—A: to stabwith a knife. B: keepunder control. C: makesafe. D: drive or urgeforward.10. prudence n.—qualityof being A: modest.B: indecisive. C: sad.D: wise or cautious.11. render v.—A: toimpose a fine. B: makeor provide. C: hold arally. D: cast a ballot.12. annihilation n.—A: partnership. B: bothersomedetail. C: deepbreath. D: destruction.13. evince v.—A: topersuade effectively.B: bring forth. C: backaway. D: display clearly.14. usurpation n.—A: excess material.B: quick result.C: wrongfulseizure. D: disrespectfor authority.15. abdicate v.—A: tocast off. B: take by force.C: wait patiently.D: point out.16. consanguinity n.—A: logical conclusion.B: close connection.C: cheerful atmosphere.D: self-confidence.Sign HereJohn Hancock’s signature isprobably the most famous onthe Declaration of Independence.Do you know the namesof some other signers?Answers on the next page.--m--l A--m- (Massachusetts)B--j---n -r--k--- (Pennsylvania)S--u-- C--se (Maryland)E-w--- -ut-e-g- (South Carolina)-h-m-- J---er--- (Virginia)J--n --th--sp--- (New Jersey)-og-- S---m-- (Connecticut)ILLUSTRATED BY DAVID SHELDON 41

RD I JULY 2006ANSWERS1. refute—[B] To prove tobe false or erroneous byargument or evidence.The defense witness wasquick to refute the prosecutor’saccusations.2. tyrant—[C] An unjustruler withabsolutepower. TheColonists feltthat King GeorgeIII was a tyrant.3. barbarous—[C] Savagelycruel; uncivilized.The pirates were knownfor their barbarous treatmentof the sailors theykidnapped.4. sufferance—[B] Patientendurance; misery.After years of sufferance,she’d finally had enough ofher husband’s abuse andfiled for divorce.5. candid—[A] Open andsincere; unbiased. When Iasked for my mother’shelp, she offered me somecandid advice.6. plunder—[A] To rob ortake, especially by forceand during wartime. Theenemy forces destroyedcrops and plundered thevillagers’ homes.7. compliance—[A] Anact of conforming to a ruleor demand. She submittedpaperwork in compliancewith the bank’s lendingpolicy.8. formidable—[C] Powerfulor impressive; causingfear or awe. Our salesreps dreaded weekly meetingswith the formidabledistrict manager.9. impel—[D] To drive orurge forward, often bymoral pressure. My elderlyaunt impelled me to moveinto her home and takecare of her.10. prudence—[D] Thequality of being wise andcautious; good judgment.We urged our teenage sonto exercise prudence behindthe wheel.11. render—[B] To makeor provide; deliver. Afterhearing both sides of theargument, the judge rendereda fair decision.12. annihilation—[D]Destruction; nullification;rout. The lopsided loss ourbasketball team sufferedcould fairly be called anannihilation.13. evince—[D] To displayclearly; show. Thewriter never forgot theloss of his twin, asevinced by the brotherportrayed in all his novels.14. usurpation—[C]Wrongful seizure, often ofpower, place or office. Therebel army was chargedwith usurpation ofthe government.15. abdicate—[A] To cast off; discard.King Edward VIII choseto abdicate the throne sohe could marry WallisSimpson, an Americandivorcée.16. consanguinity—[B]Close connection, oftenfrom the same blood ororigin. The sisters treasuredtheir consanguinity,even though they alllived in different partsof the world.VOCABULARY RATINGS8-10 Good 11-13 Excellent14-16 ExceptionalSign Here Answers:Samuel Adams; BenjaminFranklin; Samuel Chase;Edward Rutledge; ThomasJefferson; John Witherspoon;Roger Sherman.Are you known for your magnanimity? Go to wordpower.com and find out.42

MY PLANETBY ANDY SIMMONS, GUEST COLUMNISTLoveHandlesAndy Simmons is guest columnist thismonth while Mary Roach is on sabbaticalwriting her third book.Honesty is overrated.The other day I camehome to find my wife,Jennifer, in tears.“What’s wrong?” I asked.“Quinn used the F word.”She was referring to our threeyear-old.“You mean—”“Yes. She called me Fat!” Jenniferis not overweight, but like mostwomen I know, she has an inflatedview of her body. She cautiouslywalked over to a full-length mirrorand sighed. “Great, the only partof me that’s trim is my breasts. Behonest ...” Uh-oh. “Am I fat?”“Not particularly.” I tried to catchthe words as they left my mouth, butthey were quick, juking and jivingfrom my grasp until they landedwith a thud in her ears.“Listen, Slim, you could stand tolose a few tons yourself!” she said asshe stomped off toward the kitchen.“I like my fat!” I said. “And remember,I’ve known it longer than I’veknown you. What are you doing?”The refrigerator door was open,and she was flinging pizzas, coldcuts and ice cream out the window.“I’m going on a diet, and I’m draggingthis family with me!”“No, not the Chinese takeout!”Too late.The next morning, we waddledoff to the bookstore, where thesheer volume of diet books demandedthat we split up. I tookthe books between 41° longitude,55° latitude and 43° longitude, 57°latitude. Jennifer covered the rest.There were low-fat diets, highproteindiets, low-calorie diets,high-fiber diets, water diets, vegandiets, fish diets, fruit-juice diets.There were books on portion con-ILLUSTRATED BY BONNIE TIMMONS 45

RD I JULY 2006trol, and books that screamed EATLIKE A PIG! Overwhelmed, we settledfor just one shelf’s worth. We’dtry a different diet every day for amonth until one worked. We dubbedit the Diet-a-Day Diet.First up was the Color Diet. Youcan eat all the food you want, aslong as it’s one hue.Whoosh! We stoodthere pitching one dietbook after anotherout the window.46“Let’s try brown,” I said. “We canhave steak, fried mozzarella sticks,stout ale, hash browns and chocolatecake. As long as we don’t eat asalad, we’re fine.”Jennifer thought choosing brownsmacked of cheating. She counteredwith red. I said that red meant beets,and beets were good for one thing:throwing out. Since we couldn’tagree, we left it to chance. I grabbedQuinn’s box of 64 Crayola crayons,closed my eyes and picked.“What color did you get?”“Gray.” We dined on skim milk.The color diet book joined theKung Pao chicken in the backyardand was replaced by a high-proteindiet. Jennifer’s not much of a meateater, so I was surprised.“You’re allowed one glass of winea day,” she explained.“One glass or one vase per day?”I asked, noting the King Henry VIIIsizegoblet she had chosen.“Dieting is stressful,” she said.“Well, in that case, I’m having apiece of bread.”Whoosh! Out the window wentthe high-protein diet book. By week’send, the only thing growing in ourgarden was the pile of diet books.The first one to fold was Quinn.She might be only three,but it doesn’t take afour-year-old to knowdieting cuts into one’s icecream allotment.After putting her to bedwith promises of chocolatebars and more cheese thana mouse would want in a lifetime,I came back into the living room.There, in front of the TV, I foundJennifer, miserable, watching themovie The Mummy.“She’s so beautiful and so thin,”she said of the star, Rachel Weisz.“You look like her,” I said.“Put your glasses on, Simmons.”It was the first time she’d laughedin a week.“I’m serious.” I was, too, and itwasn’t just the starvation talking.“I’ve got the diet for us.”She groaned. “It’s called theDenial Diet,” I said. “We pretendwe’re perfect physical specimensand go on with our lives. You enjoyyour wine, and I’ll consume all thebrown foods I want.”Jennifer liked my idea so muchthat we celebrated by eating all ofQuinn’s chocolates. That’ll teachher to call us fat. ■

HealthIQGET SMART ABOUT YOUR BODY WITH DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZSOURCE: AMERICAN HEART JOURNAL; AMERICAN SOCIETY OFPLASTIC SURGEONS; THE COCHRANE LIBRARY; OPHTHALMICEPIDEMIOLOGY; AMERICAN PHYSIOLOGICAL SOCIETYTHE BUZZ1When it comes toheart attack risk,having lots of good(HDL) cholesterol maybe better than lowlevels of bad (LDL).2The number ofpeople who hadcosmetic surgeryjumped by 38% from2000 to 2005.3Patients wholisten to musicafter surgeryneed fewerpainkillersthan thosewho don’ttune in.4In 2002 and 2003,an estimated27,000 people visitedthe ER for injuriesrelated to eyeglasses.5Just six weeks ofyoga can boost lungfunction and breathing.Got a question for thedoctors? E-mail them atHealthIQ@rd.comCrazy for CoffeeI drink up to four six-ounce cups of coffee mostdays. How unhealthy is this?Unless drinking that much gives youmore jitters than an opening-night performance,you’re in luck. Studies consistentlyshow that coffee and caffeine reduce the riskof Parkinson’s, and may even protect againstAlzheimer’s disease and cancer. Drinking 24ounces of coffee a day can be good for you.QWhy? It could be the flavonoids orthe antioxidants. (Coffee is America’sbiggest source of antioxidants.We get six times more from joe&Athan from bananas, the largestfood source.) That said, stopthe java if you notice migraines,abnormal heartbeatsor stomach upset.Our quick coffee tips: At home, use a paperfilter (the paper binds to a chemical that increasesbad LDL cholesterol levels). If youlighten it, use skim milk (not cream) andskip the sugar. And you may want to add morecalcium to your diet or consider a supplement,since caffeine pulls thismust-havemineralfrom thebones.51

HOW TO HEALONE COMMON PROBLEMSUNBURNFOUR EXPERT SOLUTIONSTHE DERMATOLOGISTTake an anti-inflammatory inthe first 12 hours to reduce theultimate damage and ease pain.See a doctor if you’ve got swelling orblisters, or if you feel sick. He maygive you antibiotics to ward off infection.If not, stick to the pain pills,moisturize your skin and try soothingcold compresses. One badburn boosts the risk of skincancer, so see a dermatologistfor skin checks.DAVID E. BANK, MD,Director, Center for Dermatology,Cosmetic and Laser Surgery,Mount Kisco, New YorkTHE NUTRITIONISTTo help prevent burns,take beta carotene and vitaminE supplements before yougo out in the sun. If you’re alreadyfeeling the pain of a burn, moisturizeyour skin using creams with vitaminE or flaxseed, chamomile, lavenderor almond oils. All may help speedhealing, prevent scarring and reduceirritation and inflammation.JOHN FOREYT, PHD, Director, Nutrition ResearchClinic, Baylor College of Medicine, Houston, TexasIn 2005,31% ofAmericansadmitted togetting a recentsunburn.THE PLASTIC SURGEONTreat symptoms with coldcompresses and a moisturizer.Avoid the sun, or cover yourburn when you do go out. If skinstarts peeling, leave it alone, sincepicking it off can lead to bleedingand scars. If you notice either, wait6 to 12 months to let the skin heal.Then a doctor may treat it witha chemical peel.ROD ROHRICH, MD,Chairman of Plastic Surgery, University ofTexas Southwestern Medical Center,Dallas, TexasTHE BEAUTY PRODrink lots of water;avoid hot showersor baths (heat driesout skin). Take a lukewarm bathwith colloidal oatmeal, chamomiletea bags and a few tablespoons ofbaking soda to relieve pain. Moisturizewith alcohol- and perfume-freelotion. If you see freckling or skinproblems after you heal, an aestheticiancan exfoliate and heal the skinwith microdermabrasion.KELLY CHARRON, Director, Spa Education &Development, Klinger Advanced AestheticsBOTTOM LINEIf sunscreen runs into your eyes when you swim or sweat, it’s not really protectingyou. Use a water-resistant product like Coppertone Sport, or CosmedicineGlobal Health Face or Body, and reapply often. Once burned, take325-650 mg of aspirin for a day or two, drop a few Alka-Seltzertablets into a bath, or add two crushed aspirin to two teaspoonsof lotion to ease inflammation. DR. ROIZEN & DR. OZ52

MONEY MAKERSMARIA BARTIROMOOpen to AdventureOne passion led to another. Soon he was inuncharted waters, having fun and making juice.NBC UNIVERSAL TELEVISIONCOURTESY PLUM TVSometimes it’s best to followyour heart and do what youlove. For Tom Scott, cofounderof Nantucket Nectars,“a love of boats turned into alove of juices.”A Brown University student, Scottvacationed on Nantucket Island, aresort community off the coast ofMassachusetts. At 19, he spent hisdays working on his boat, so whensomeone suggested he make muffinsto sell to people docked in the harbor,Scott figured, Why not?As he and a college friend, TomFirst, made their muffin rounds,yachties would ask if they had newspapersor cigarettes for sale. “We’dsay, ‘Sure, up at the dock.’ Then we’dhurry back, buy ten papers and sellthe extras to our other customers.”Soon they had a thriving business.With the slogan “Ain’t nothing thoseboys won’t do,” Tom and Tom couldbe seen running around the harbordoing everything from selling ice toshampooing dogs.The summer of 1988 was a hotone. Tom First came back from vacationin Spain praising a particularlythirst-quenching peach juice concoction.He tried to replicate itTom ScottMaria Bartiromo is host andmanaging editor of the syndicatedprogram The Wall Street JournalReport, as well as host ofCNBC’s Closing Bell.57

RD I JULY 2006and, as Scott says, “Bang! It was thatquick.” Nantucket Nectars was born.The market opportunity for ahealthy, tasty drink was wide open.Bottled water hadn’t yet becomepopular. Most juices, Scott recalls,“were horrible, full of additives.”Scott says he never thought aboutScott’s dog was partLab,part spaniel,part shortstop. Andpart of the company lure.going into business. He and Firstboth failed an accounting courseat Brown. It wasn’t until Scott tooka community college class that hebegan to understand the concept ofprofit margins. Mostly, he says, “welearned on the job.”They focused obsessively on qualityand getting the product theywanted. When they started bottlingtheir juices, the bottle cap companymade caps only in white or silver forother clients. “We wanted a purplecap. They said, ‘We are not puttingpurple paint in the machine.’ Wesaid, ‘We’ll clean the machine.’ ”The purple caps became a hallmarkof Nantucket Nectars. So didthe messages printed on the undersideof each cap—fun trivia aboutNantucket or inside informationabout company employees or thefact that Scott’s ball-retrieving dogBecky was “part Lab, part springerspaniel, and part shortstop.”58“A lot of that stuff is more intuitivethan people realize,” Scott saysof their offbeat marketing efforts.Although he and First were heraldedas mavericks, he admits, “Forus, it was so much trial and error.You bounce off this wall and thenoff that wall, and meanwhile you tryto stay on your feet.”Their balancing actworked. Nantucket Nectarsgrew to national prominence,landing on Inc. magazine’slist of fastest-growingU.S. companies for threeyears running. They were in49 states and some 15 countries. Still,Scott felt he couldn’t be complacent.“There was never a moment whenwe said, ‘Wow, we are making it.’I lived in my car for a long time.Plenty of nights I cried because Ithought we’d go out of business. Butwhen you have this dream and youlove what you do, you do it.”After a dozen or so years, though,the sense of adventure, of alwayslearning, faded. Growing the companyfrom $100 million to $500 millionwould demand different skillsand tasks than creating it fromscratch. “The business was no longerabout marketing a product the wayno one else had before. It was aboutdistribution and shelf space.”Instead of waking up each dayto the excitement and challengeof something new, Scott realized,“I wasn’t having as much fun.”They sold the company to CadburySchweppes in 2002. “It was a

MONEY MAKERSchallenging time,” Scott recalls. “Ididn’t know what to do with therest of my life.” After a lot of soulsearching,he concluded, “The onlyway I can be happy again is to dosomething I love.”He was approached by NantucketTelevision, a tiny local cable stationthat was always on the verge ofbankruptcy. Scott had even bailedthem out. This time, he had a newanswer: “How about if I buy youguys out, and I’ll run the station?”Four years later, Nantucket Televisionhas morphed into Plum TV,a station serving local news with aglobal twist to markets in Nantucket,Martha’s Vineyard, Vail,Aspen and the Hamptons. “My hopeis that one day Plum TV can be verysmart, very fair, interesting TV.”For now, though, Scott’s loving hisjob again. And that’s enough tomake every day an adventure.Got a money question? Write to MariaBartiromo at moneymakers@rd.com.AND FYI …• Martha Stewart turned her passioninto a billion-dollar empire.She shares her secrets in her bookThe Martha Rules: 10 Essentials forAchieving Success as You Start,Grow, or Manage a Business.• Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman, authorof Pivot, says just one turn in attitudecan lead to success.• Looking for a meaningful, happylife? Try What Do I Do Now? AHandbook for Life by Mark E. Klein.59

®HUMOR IN UNIFORMAs he reviewed pilot crash reports, my AirForce military science professor stumbledupon this understated entry: “After catastrophicengine failure, I landed long. As I had no power,the landing gear failed to deploy and no brakingwas available. I bounced over the stone wall at theend of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck whilecrossing the perimeter road, crashed through theguardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractorparked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree.Then I lost control.”JOHN D. MILLARDTo bolster security atour Army post in Germany,we initiated RandomAccess ControlMeasures at our gates.This meant stopping andchecking cars at varioustimes of the day, resultingin terrible traffic.One senior officer cameup with a solution: “Weneed more predictabilityin our randomness.”JEFFREY CHURCHWhile visiting aVA hospital with myson, I overheard aretired Army sergeantasking people whichbranch of the militarythey’d served in. Somesaid Army, a few Navy,others Air Force.“What were you in?”she asked a man who’djust entered the room.Confused, he mumbled,“The bathroom.”SUSAN LOPSHIREWith severalyears of ArmyNational Guard dutyunder his belt, myroommate applied forofficer training. But hislifelong dreams weredashed after he failedthe eye exam.“That’s too bad,” Isympathized. “Does thatmean you now have toquit the Guard entirely?”“No, I get to keepmy old job,” he said.“Driving trucks.”DIANE HASTINGS60“And these are for keeping up appearances.”You could earnup to $300for your own funny story.Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 12 for details.ILLUSTRATED BY IAN BAKER

ALL IN A DAY’S WORK ®Awoman walkedinto our copy shopto pick up a large order.While there, she askedme to make a copy ofher driver’s license,birth certificate andpassport. When I gaveher the total price, sheasked if she could paywith a personal check.“Sure,” I said automatically.“I just need to seesome ID.” JEREMY DOLPHSpanish never cameeasily to my sister. Still,she did her best to communicatewith the Spanish-speakingstaff at therestaurant she managed.But when she made mistakes—andshe made alot—she’d apologize bysaying, “Me estúpido.”Finally, a staffer tookpity on her. “Susanna,you’re not estúpido,” shesaid, bucking up mysister’s ego. “You are awoman,” she continued.“So you are estúpida.”MARY BETH YODERIt was the bottom of the ninth andthe bassists were loaded.“Does anyone in thisroom need to be dismissedfrom jury duty?”my father, a judge, askeda roomful of prospectivejurors.A nervous young manstood up. “I’d like to bedismissed,” he said.“And why is that?”“My wife is about toconceive.”Slightly taken aback,Dad responded, “I believe,sir, you mean‘deliver.’ But either way,I agree. You should bethere.” BETH DUNCANOn his way home from work recently, my husband came upona “Road Closed” sign. Undeterred, he maneuvered his truck around it andcontinued on. But he didn’t get very far. The pavement ended, giving wayto another, larger sign: “What Part of ‘Road Closed’ Didn’t You Understand?”TERI KERSCHENILLUSTRATED BY DAN REYNOLDS63

RD I JULY 2006When the driverin front of my policecruiser began weavingin and out of his lane,I quickly hit the sirensand pulled him over.As I approached hiswindow, I was hit withthe stench of alcohol.“Sir,” I said, “canyou tell me when youstarted drinking andhow much you’vehad?”“Well, Officer, I can’ttell you how much I’vehad,” he slurred. “ButI started drinking in1967.” ROBERT W. MILLERIn the midst of acreative writingassignment we weredoing in class, I askedmy first-grade studentsto come up with a goodname for the maincharacter.“Chicago,” called outone student.“Actually, I was lookingfor more of a Christianname,” I said.“St. Louis!” he yelledback. BRITE TEMPLETONYou could earnup to $300for your own funny story.Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 12 for details.64A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-oldpatient for a walk in the hospital corridor. Whenshe got him back to his room and sat him down,he took a deep breath and announced,“That was great! I don’tfeel a day over 100!” MARY CIPOLLONEThe guest speakerat our trainingsessions for correctionalofficers was a leadingpsychologist. We appreciatedthe fact that hewas able to answer inplain English a questionmany of us had: What isthe difference betweensomeone who is delusionaland someone whois schizophrenic?“Delusional peoplebuild castles in the air,”he explained. “Schizophrenicsmove in andlive there.” REBECCA LEWISMy colleagues and i recently received thise-mail from the facilities department: “Due toconstruction, your office may be either cooleror warmer than usual on Tuesday.Dress accordingly.” DEBRA DONATHWhile leading atour of kindergartenstudents through ourhospital, I overheard aconversation betweenone little girl and anx-ray technician.“Have you ever brokena bone?” he asked.“Yes,” the girl replied.“Did it hurt?”“No.”“Really? Which bonedid you break?”“My sister’s arm.”A.L. GRABERMy father, agravedigger, wastold to prepare for afuneral. But on theday of the service, itwas discovered thathe had dug up thewrong plot. Luckily forhim, the deceased’sdaughter was veryunderstanding.“Poor Dad,” shelamented. “He alwayscomplained he couldnever find a parkingspace.” EMILY WILLMOT

ASK LASKASYOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS, SHE’S GOT ANSWERSQAt social gatherings, my husbandnever introduces me to the personhe’s talking to. I stand around like astatue, and he ignores me. I’ve complainedabout this many times, and he says I’m justbeing sensitive. I say it’s rude. He says it’simpolite to interrupt the person talkingto him. What do you say? SILENTLY BURNINGADear Burning,It’s rude, and he’s being a dope.But don’t hold your breath waitingfor him to see the light—and don’tstand there like a stone. Stick yourhand out and introduce yourself.Move along to other circles, andmake new acquaintances. If yourhusband wanders over after his gabsession, stop everything and introducehim. Lead by example!QI work in an office where thepartners hire pretty girls whosimply don’t have the skills. Therest of us get their stuff tossed at usto complete. One Monday a partneryelled at me because my cubicle wasstacked with unfinished work. Right.Because I spent Friday doing an urgentjob Gorgeous had no idea howto handle. Under the circumstances,what can I do?A REAL WORKERJeanne Marie Laskas is the author ofGrowing Girls (Bantam).ADear Real,Hard to believe that in this dayand age Gorgeous is still getting afree ride, isn’t it? Welcome to life,unfair as ever. You have a legitimategripe, so go ahead and complainto your boss. Ask that your duties beput in writing. Do your job and do itwell, but don’t expect the culture tomagically change. If you can’t standto work in an environment wherea premium is on looks, find anotherplace to work—but not Hollywood.QMy sister-in-law and her husbandborrowed several thousanddollars from us for a car anda new apartment. They promisedto pay us back after they got settled.They’ve been settled now threeyears and have moved into a house.Every time my husband confrontshis sister, she starts crying andscreaming, and he backs off. Whatrecourse do I have?TAKENPHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CORBITT; PHOTO: KAREN MEYERS 67

RD I JULY 2006ADear Taken,If your husband can’t talk withhis sister, maybe he should put thefacts down in a letter. Or you couldmeet with her husband and clear theair. Remind him of your agreement,and suggest a repayment schedule.If this doesn’t work, it may be timeto write off the debt as tuition in theschool of hard knocks—and leavelending to the banks.QMy daughter has had this friendsince kindergarten. We’ve metthe father once, but have only talkedon the phone with the mother. Thefriend keeps inviting my daughterfor sleepovers, but I’m uneasy. Webarely know these people and haveno idea what their values are. Howdo I tactfully explain we need toknow them better before sendingmy daughter to their home? CAUTIOUSADear Cautious,This isn’t about tact. It’s aboutgood parenting. Tell these folks exactlyhow you feel. If they resist theidea of getting to know you betterbefore you entrust your child tothem, well, perhaps your fears werejustified. If they agree, and afteryou’ve met them, volunteer to holdthe first round of sleepovers. Then,only when you’re ready, let yourdaughter go.QMy boyfriend and I argue overthe phrase “Till death do uspart.” He believes it’s absolute. Ibelieve people change and there are68

ASK LASKASsituations when a marriage mustend. When I won’t agree with him,he begins to doubt me. This hasopened a fissure between us. Howcan we bridge the gap? LADY CREVASSEADear Crevasse,I’m with him. I believe if yougo into marriage thinking that itshould last only as long as it lasts,you’re setting yourself up for failure.I feel commitment to a relationshipis an absolute. But I’m not marryinghim, you are. If you two see thiscontract in fundamentally differentways, do not walk down the aisleuntil you reach agreement. Thisissue is too big to ignore.Question of the MonthQMy wife’s son, 35, was firedfrom his last job and moved inwith us. He’s drawing unemploymentand isn’t looking for work. Hisdaily routine: get up, watch TV, eatand chain-smoke. I’ve told himabout places that are hiring, but hedoesn’t go. What’s wrong? STUMPEDADear Stumped,What you and your wife aredoing is called “enabling.” At 35,he should survive a little tough love.Tell Sonny he has six weeks to geton his feet; then give him the boot.QUESTIONS ABOUT PARENTS,PARTNERS OR OFFICE POLITICS?E-mail Jeanne Marie Laskas atadvice@rd.com. Sending gives uspermission to edit and publish.69

ILLUSTRATED BY KIRSTEN ULVEAmerica is notperfect, but it’smuch betterthan anywhereelse in the world.“QUOTABLE QUOTES ®CATHERINE ZETA-JONES in In StyleNever be thefirst to arriveat a party or thelast to go home,and never,ever be both.DAVID BROWNin EsquireWinning depends on where you putyour priorities. It’s usually best toput them over the fence. JASON GIAMBII think the most un-American thingyou can say is “You can’t say that.”GARRISON KEILLOR‘ ’I’ve never found an interesting personwith a foul mouth.My father gave me the best adviceof my life. He said, “Whateveryou do, don’t wake up at 65 yearsold and think about what youshould have done with your life.”GEORGE CLOONEYWHO SAIDIT?I spent 30 yearssleep-deprived andI got used to it.b) Bill Clintona) Jimmy Carterb) Bill Clintonc) George W. BushFOR ANSWER, SEE BELOWMARILYN VOS SAVANT in ParadeThe man who complains about theway the ball bounces is likely theone who dropped it.KENT HILL quoting Lou HoltzLife’s like a novelwith the endripped out.RASCAL FLATTS in “Stand” (Lyric Street Records)I know it’s summer if I hear thetinkle of bells on an ice cream truck.Mentally my feet start running andI’m hollering, “Mama, I need anickel!”LINDA ELLERBEEin Take Big Bites (Putnam)We pay $100 for the wit and wisdom of$ famous contemporary people. See page 12.75

KeepingAmericaSafe(CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT) JASON HAWKES/CORBIS; BILL ROSS/CORBIS; CRAIG AURNESS/CORBIS; CORBISThe Next DisasterARE WEREADY?A special report on 10 high-risk citiesAfter the attacks on September 11and the hurricanes that slammed theGulf Coast last year, you’d expect ourmajor cities to be ready with disasterplans that will save lives and property.There’s no doubt we’ll be hit again—maybe even harder—because the listof possible calamities is long: from abird flu pandemic to a massive Californiaearthquake, to more monsterBY ALICE LIPOWICZstorms, to another terrorist attack.But are we really prepared to protectpeople, as well as their homes andbusinesses? Every major urban areahas received federal funding, much ofit from the Department of HomelandSecurity (DHS), in order to make theircities more secure. But there are noset criteria for measuring preparedness(the feds are working on that),77

RD I JULY 2006and the quality of disaster plans varieswidely throughout the country.So Reader’s Digest decided to do anindependent assessment of 10 highriskurban areas, focusing on key securityindicators. We analyzed publicdata, consulted with federal and localemergency workers, and contactedthe mayors’ offices to gauge the readinessof these cities to meet both naturaland man-made disasters. For eachof 11 separate measures, a citygot a if it met the criteria;a if it exceededthem; or a ifit was only partwaythere. If it failed tomeet the criteria atall, the city got a .We gave pointvalues to each ofthese marks, thenconverted the totalsinto a final grade for eachcity. (For further detailsabout the grading system, see thebox on page 81.)Our criteria fell under three maincategories:Emergency ReadinessAre there at least 1,000 first responders(such as police, fire andEMTs) per 100,000 residents?They’re our first line of protectionin almost any disaster situation—professionalswho are trained to handleeverything from rescuing victimsto providing first aid, to enforcingquarantines, to directing traffic forevacuations.78Suppose inthe midst of aflu pandemic,your city ranlow on criticalmedicines.Are there federal search-and-rescueteams based within 50 miles?Large cities often have specializedteams to deal with such things as highrise-buildingrescues or hazardouschemical spills. But these squads aresometimes small, ill-equipped, or runon a shoestring. This is not true offederal urban search-and-rescue taskforces that the DHS supports acrossthe country. Each task force is madeof 62 members and 4 canines,as well as a “comprehensivecache” of equipment.DHS task forcesare not automaticallyassigned; a cityneeds to apply andpresent its case.(Extra credit wasgiven to cities withtwo or more taskforces within 50 miles.)Has the city or state earned“green status” from the Centersfor Disease Control and Prevention?Suppose that in the midst of a flupandemic or bio terror attack, yourcity ran low on critical medicines.The CDC stands ready to help by distributingdrugs and medical equipmentfrom its Strategic NationalStockpile. But the agency wants toknow that a city or state is able toquickly mobilize hundreds of healthworkers and volunteers trained tohandle the logistics, and has space setaside for storage and refrigeration.You’re best off if your city has earnedthe CDC’s “green status”—even if the

ARE WE READY?First responders must get to a disaster scene quickly and be able to communicatewith other emergency workers, while hospitals cope with a surge of patients.(LEFT TO RIGHT) CORBIS; ROB HOWARD/CORBIS; CORBISstate itself has not—because it meanslocal health teams can handle the supplieson their own. (Extra credit wasgiven to every city that has met thecriteria for green status.)Does the city website explain clearlywhat to do in case of evacuation?Who can forget the images ofstranded New Orleans residents, orthe 5-mph crawl out of Houston? Itturned out that New Orleans’s evacuationplans were both inadequateand poorly communicated. One waycities can avoid a similar nightmareis to put clear and easy-to-find evacuationinformation on their websites.Some cities, such as Boston andWashington, post the preferred streetroutes. Others, like Las Vegas, won’tdisclose details due to security fears,but their websites may provide waysto quickly get evacuation details whenyou need them (such as numbers tocall or alert services you can sign upfor). Among the more importantthings to address are people withoutvehicles of their own (a huge failingin New Orleans) and instructions forpet owners.Does the website include details forresidents with special needs?In July 1995, a vicious heat wave79

RD I JULY 2006killed nearly 500 people in Chicago,a disproportionate number of themolder residents who lived alone. In anycrisis, the elderly and disabled can beuniquely vulnerable. That’s why citiessuch as Houston are creating registriesof residents who would need specialhelp. Such lists would indicate, forinstance, that a certain person in acertain apartment building is wheelchair-bound.Other cities are instructingpeople with disabilities tocall 911 for assistance—though this relies onphone systems thatcould be overloadedor go dead. If a city’sdisaster planningshows no awarenessof specialneedspeople, it isn’tcomplete.CrisisCommunicationsCan first responders—police, fireand medical—talk to one another?On September 11, firefighters diedinside the World Trade Center becausethey could not make contactwith police helicopters trying to radiowarnings. Incompatible communicationsis a country-wide problem, andconverting or replacing decades-oldradio systems can be a long, expensiveprocess. Cities have gotten a bigboost if they’ve taken part in Rapid-Com, a DHS program providing technicalassistance and training thatspeeds up the transition.80On 9/11,firefightersdied becausethey couldn’tpick upradiowarnings.Has the city adopted E911?Many cities have upgraded their 911call centers in recent years, butthey’re even better prepared if they’veincorporated “E911” (or “enhanced911”). This technology enables emergencyoperators to identify the preciselocation of cell-phone callersthrough GPS systems. If you wind upstranded in floodwaters, E911 couldsave your life.Does the city provide24-hour emergencyalerts?What if an evacuationorder goesout, but it’s 3 a.m.and you’re soundasleep? Not a problemif your city hasa way of alerting youat any time of day.Some rely on streetsirens to do the trick. Othershave used their websites to inviteresidents to sign up for e-mailnotifications or automated phone callsin an emergency. (Extra credit wasgiven to cities for adopting the lateste-mail and phone technologies.)Medical ResponseAre there at least 500 hospital bedsfor every 100,000 residents?Getting to victims quickly is a criticalfirst step. But you better have aplace to take them for treatment. Areasonable standard, according to preparednessexperts, is 500 hospital bedsfor every 100,000 people—a ratio that

ARE WE READY?would likely mean a city could findenough spare beds in an emergency.Of course, beds alone won’t help amassive number of burn victims orpeople suffering from chemical exposureunless the hospital is preparedto treat them. But all the cities in oursurvey have specialty units in theirhospitals that can handle such cases.Are local teams trained to respondquickly and work together?If an urban area was targeted byweapons of mass destruction, cityhealth officials couldn’t just wait forfederal help to arrive. First respondersand hospitals would need to react rightaway. They could also need medicalvolunteers—say, to help vaccinate peopleor distribute medicines and supplies.How to ensure that all theseprofessionals and volunteers work togetheras seamlessly as possible? If acity is part of DHS’s MetropolitanMedical Response System, it has obtainedfederal assistance in developingplans, and has received critical trainingand equipment.Are labs nearby that specialize inbiological and chemical threats?The CDC is on the cutting edge withits Laboratory Response Network—integrated labs nationwide that havethe equipment and expertise toquickly identify pathogens and toxicchemicals. An LRN lab in Florida wasthe first to detect anthrax in terroristmailings in 2001.Laboratories can be members onlyif they have highly trained staff andexceptional facilities, as well as a trackrecord of testing accuracy. A handfulof LRN labs qualify as “Level 1,”meaning they can test for chemicalpoisons such as mustard and nerveagents. (Extra credit was given tocities that have two or more LRN labswithin 50 miles.)Additional reporting by JOHN MITCHELLMaking the GradeDoes Not Meet StandardPartly Meets StandardMeets StandardExceeds StandardThese symbols appear in the chart on the nexttwo pages, and indicate whether—and how fully—the cities met all our criteria. Top to bottom(starting with the black dash), they go from noheadway in adopting measures, worth 0 points,all the way to extra steps taken, which earned3 points. We added up all the points earned bya city, then used a formula to convert this totalinto a final score on a scale of 0% to 100%.Are you ready? Visit rd.com/prepared to findout what you need in an emergency.81

CityHas at least1,000 firstrespondersper100,000residentsEmergency ReadinessHas at leastone searchand-rescuetask forcewithin 50milesMeets CDCguidelinesto distributeNationalStockpileWebsiteincludesclearevacuationinformationWebsite hasinformationfor peoplewith specialneedsMiamiNew YorkWashington, D.C.BostonChicagoHoustonLos AngelesPhiladelphiaLas VegasDetroit

Crisis CommunicationsFirstresponderscan talk toone anotherHassuccessfullydeployedE911Offers24-houremergencyalertsMedical ResponseHas at least500 hospitalbeds per100,000residentsLocal teamsare trainedto respondquicklyand worktogetherHas labsnearby specializinginbiologicaland chemicalthreatsScore81%818177696562584227

‘They SaidICouldn’t’Six stories of people whowouldn’t give upBY GARY SLEDGE REPORTING BY LISA MILLER FIELDSToo Short,Can’t SingThe adolescent girl from Tennesseeis standing on the stage of a dramasummer camp in upstate New York.It’s a beautiful day. Butthe girl doesn’t feel beautiful.She’s not the leggy,glamorous Hollywoodtype. In fact, she describesherself as dorky.Since she was sixyears old, Reese Witherspoonhas wantedto be a country singer.And Dolly Parton isher idol. But this flatchestedwisp of a84girl is no Dolly Parton.Nevertheless, all ofthis summer she’s beenacting, dancing andsinging—giving it herbest.Despite three yearsof lessons, at the endSelf-confidenceis the bestmakeup moneycan buy, ReeseWitherspoondiscovered.of camp her coaches tell her to forgetabout singing. They suggest shethink about anothercareer. If Reese didhave talent, it washiding under herskinny, mousy frameand her Coke-bottleglasses.Still, she takestheir words to

(LEFT) ©20TH CENTURY FOX/COURTESY EVERETT COLLECTION; JAMES WHITE/CORBIS OUTLINE

RD I JULY 2006heart. After all, why shouldn’tshe believe the professionals?But back at home inNashville, her mother, a pediatricnurse—a funny, happy,upbeat person—wouldn’t lether mope. Her father, a physician,encouraged her toachieve in school. So sheworked hard at everything and wasaccepted at Stanford University.And at age 19, she got a part in alow-budget movie called Freeway.That led to a substantial role in themovie Pleasantville. But her big breakcame with Legally Blonde.Well, she decided, if you can’t singand you aren’t glamorous, “play toyour strengths. If you’re going to makeit in this business, it’s not going to beon sexy—that’s not who you are. Betterfocus on what you’re good at. Celebrateyourself.”And then came the offer that tookher back to her Nashville roots—playingthe wife of tormented country starJohnny Cash. A singing role.All of a sudden the old fears wereback. She was so nervous on the set,a reporter wrote, she “kept a sickbucket” nearby and admitted she“would go backstage after a singingscene and shake.” But she didn’t giveup on the movie or herself.The humor and drive she learnedat home overcame the self-doubtlearned on that summer stage. Shespent six months taking singinglessons again. She learned to play theAutoharp. And the hard work built upher confidence.86You have onlyan outside shotfor success atbest, a teachertold AdamZimmerman. Hetook that shot.Last March, Reese Witherspoonwalked up on another stage, the KodakTheatre in Hollywood, and acceptedthe Oscar as Best Actress for herheartbreaking, heartwarming singingrole as June Carter Cash in Walkthe Line.Dumb KidsCan’t Jump“Too dumb. You’ll never graduatefrom high school,” his elementaryschool teacher told seven-year-oldAdam Zimmerman. Sure enough, he“failed” and was held back a grade.Being left behind by friends madehim feel like “trash.” But his teacher’scutting comment changed his life. ItRICK HAYE/MARSHALL UNIVERSITY

“THEY SAID I COULDN’T”HSNtransformed a kid with dyslexia into aperson driven to succeed.“Just because one person sayssomething, don’t take their word,” hismother told him. “Go out and provethem wrong. It’s not about the disability;it’s what you do about it.”Zimmerman did graduate from highschool, and at 5'7" he excelled in twosports he was considered too smallfor: basketball and volleyball. He wasMVP and All Conference in both.That still wasn’t enough to earn hima big-time college scholarship. So hewent to a Division II school andworked on his game. And though acoach told him he’d never be a DivisionI basketball player, in his sophomoreyear he transferredto Marshall University inWest Virginia, a Division Ischool. And he practiced and practiced.The following year he made theteam as a walk-on player.This May, the dumb kid who wastoo short graduated with a degree insports management and marketing.When he thinks back to that gradeschool teacher, he says, “I thank herfor saying that. It’s unbelievable howa person’s words can stick in the backof your mind and push you to be morethan what they say you can be.”“There’s Gotta Bea Better Way”Joy Mangano was 33 and divorced,had three kids under age 7, and wasbarely keeping up paymentsJoy Mangano on her small two-bedroommade it big home by working extra weekendhours as a waitress.with simplesolutions to “There were times when Ieveryday would lie in bed and think,problems. I don’t know how I’m going topay that bill,” Mangano says.But she had a knack for seeing theobvious. She knew firsthand how hardit was to mop the floor. “I was tired ofbending down, putting my hands indirty water, wringing out a mop,” Manganosays. “So, I said, ‘There’s gottabe a better way.’ ”How about a “self-wringing” mop?She designed a distinctive tool youcould twist in two directions at once,and still keep your hands clean anddry. She set out to sell it, first a few atflea markets.Then Mangano met with the media.But would couch potatoes buy a mop?87

RD I JULY 2006The experts on shopping TV were lessthan certain. They gave it a try, and itfailed. Mangano was sure it would sellif they’d let her do the on-camerademonstration. “Brave little me. I said,‘Get me on that stage, and I will sellthis mop because it’s a great item.’ ”So QVC took a chance on her. “I gotonstage and the phones went crazy.We sold every mop in minutes.”Today she’s president of IngeniousDesigns, a multimillion-dollar company,and one of the stars of HSN, theHome Shopping Network. Talkingabout her household inventions is “asnatural for me as it is for a parent totalk about their child,” Mangano says.Today one of her favorite productsis Huggable Hangers. The thin, spacesavingimplements are the most successfulgadget ever sold on HSN, with100 million hanging out there in closetsacross the country. Of course, youcouldn’t possibly sell hangers on TV.If You’re Not Dead,You Can Get BetterRandy Kraus was paralyzed. His leftside was useless. But his right handwas good enough to lift the barrel ofa .38 to his temple.Once, he’d been a police officer inFresno, California, and owneda private-eye agency. Once,he’d been strong and able.Now, he felt he was nothing.His trouble started withParkinson’s disease, but itdidn’t end there. In July 2002,the 60-year-old Kraus went88into the hospital for an operation thatimplanted electrodes in his brain tocontrol the shaking. But during theoperation, he had a stroke. He was paralyzed.The cop, the tough guy, theman who loved golf, “could think, butcouldn’t move.”Transferred to a rehab hospital,Kraus wanted the therapists to give itto him straight. “You may never walkagain,” they told him. “Maybe youwon’t even be able to talk.”Once home, he found he couldn’tlift a fork or take a drink by himself.Physical therapy was so painful andslow. What did he have to live for?So now Kraus held the gun againsthis head. Feeling the cold metal on hisskin, he began to consider not his pain,Randy Krausdiscovered thatall journeysstart with onestep, even if it’sa small one.MARK CROSSE/FRESNO BEE

JENS SCHLUETER/AFP/GETTY IMAGESbut the pain he would cause his wife,daughters and grandchildren. Hedidn’t pull the trigger.And his exercise physiologist, AndrewGarud, didn’t pull any puncheswith him. You are where you are, hetold him. The pace would be slow; thepain would be real. “But as long as youare alive, you have the ability to getbetter.”After three months of working withGarud, Kraus wanted to see if he couldstand.He could. Then he took three steps,sat down and cried like a baby.One step, as they say, led to another.Next he managed a short walk alongthe edge of a boxing ring in the healthclub where they worked out. It wasthe hardest fight of Kraus’s life.People at the gym cheered him on.Garud kept sayinghe could do more.Now, Kraus canShe could haveplayed it safein England, butJane Goodallwent off tothe wild.brush his teeth and shave himself, getaround the house with a walker. Littletriumphs only the paralyzed can fullyunderstand.Forget It—DoSomething PracticalThe 16-year-old schoolgirl dreamedof a profession studying wildlife inAfrica, but the school’s career counselorwas “horrified” at this impracticalidea. She thought taking picturesof people’s pets would “make a nicelittle career.”But Jane’s mother said, “If you reallywant something, you work hardenough, you take advantage of oppor-89

RD I JULY 2006tunities, you never give up and youwill find a way.”Never giving up meant traveling tothe other side of the earth. It meantenduring physical hardship in themountains of Tanzania. And it meantsurviving a raid in which rebels capturedpeople who worked with her andheld them for ransom. All survived,and so did Jane Goodall’s dream.Her research documented the complexsocial behavior of chimpanzees—animals that greet one anotherwith a kiss or a hug, and makeand use tools. Dr. Jane Goodallbecame known worldwide,and she changed the way wethink about these remarkablecreatures, all by doing theimpractical.Try It aDifferent WayBobby Moresco grew up in NewYork’s Hell’s Kitchen, a tough working-classneighborhood on Manhattan’sWest Side. But Hell’s Kitchen liesright next door to Broadway, and thebright lights attracted Bobby from thetime he was a teen. Being stagestruckwas hardly what a street kid couldadmit to his buddies. Fearing theirridicule, he told no one, not even hisgirlfriend, when he started taking actinglessons at age 17. If you were a kidfrom the neighborhood, you became acop, construction worker, longshoremanor criminal. Not an actor.Moresco struggled to make thatlong walk a few blocks east. He stud-90From bluecollar to blacktie, BobbyMoresco writesabout real lifein America.ied acting, turned out forall the cattle calls—andduring the decade of the1970s made a total of $2,000. “I wasn’ta good actor, but I had a driving needto do something different with mylife,” he says.He moved to Hollywood, where hedrove a cab and worked as a bartender.“My father said, ‘Stop this crazinessand get a job; you have a wife anddaughter.’ ” But Moresco kept workingat his chosen craft.Then in 1983 his younger brotherThomas was murdered in a moblinkedkilling. Moresco moved backto his old neighborhood and startedwriting as a way to explore the painand the patrimony of Hell’s Kitchen.Half-Deserted Streets, based on hisbrother’s killing, opened at a smallOff-Broadway theater in 1988. A Hollywoodproducer saw it and asked himto work on a screenplay.MARK HANAUER/CORBIS OUTLINE

“THEY SAID I COULDN’T”His reputation grew, and he gotenough assignments to move back toHollywood. By 2003, he was again outof work and out of cash when he gota call from Paul Haggis, a director whohad befriended him. Haggis wantedhelp writing a film about the countryafter September 11. The two workedon the script, but every studio in townturned it down. They kept pitching it.Studio execs, however, thought no onewanted to see a stark, honest visionof race and fear and lives in collisionin modern America.Moresco believed so strongly in thescript that he borrowed money, soldhis house. He and Haggis kept pushing.At last the writers found an independentfilm producer who would take achance, but the upfront money was someager, Moresco deferred his salary.Crash slipped into the theaters inMay 2005, and quietly became both asmash hit and a critical success. It wasnominated for six Academy Awardsand won three—Best Picture, BestFilm Editing and Best Writing (OriginalScreenplay) by Paul Haggis andthe kid from Hell’s Kitchen.At age 54, Bobby Moresco becamean overnight success. “If you havesomething you want to do in life, don’tthink about the problems,” he says,“think about the ways to get it done.”Do you have a great “They Said ICouldn’t” story? Share it at rd.com/nevergiveup.EYE OF NEWT + EAR OF TOAD ...The big thing in the auto world is hybrids. But what about the animalworld? The Washington Post asked its readers to come up with the offspringof two distinct animals. Here they are:Camel + Ocelot = Camelot: Flourished for one brief shiningmoment.Cicada + Elephant = Cicaphant: Even after 17 years, it never forgetshow nice you are.Cardinal + Shar-Pei = Cardsharpei: One of the dogs playing poker.Badgers + Gnus = Badgnus: Travels fast, on or underground; oftenunearthed by pesky hounds.Scottish Terrier + Tapir = Scotchtapir: Uses sticky traps to ensnareits prey.Porcupine + Soldier Ant = Porcupinesol: A pet that keeps its owncage sparkling clean and fresh.91

SUMMER WEIGHT-LOSS SPECIALTake a Bite(A small one)(LEFT) ALISON MIKSCH/FOODPIX/JUPITER IMAGES; (RIGHT) MANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS

10 waysto outwityour weightBY PAULA DRANOVTerri crecco believes she’s addictedto sugar. Even as a kid, shehad trouble resisting sweets. Asan adult, when things aren’t goingwell, cookies and ice cream make her feelbetter. Once, she downed a whole pound ofjellybeans walking back to her office afterher lunch break. “I meant to eat just a few,but I couldn’t stop until I finished the entirebag,” she says. “My cravings can be awful, insatiable.You can’t ignore them.” As a result,the 55-year-old New York City mortgage bro-93

RD I JULY 2006ker has been waging a lifelong battlewith her weight.Karsten Askeland, 56, a Niagara Fallspolice officer, got hooked on burgers,fries and other fast food when he was14 and sidelined from sports afterbreaking his leg. Until then, Askelandhad been a trim and athletic kid whoplayed basketball and football, and wasthe fastest sprinter on the track team.Immobilized by his broken leg, he continuedto eat as if he was still burningthousands of calories a week playingsports. Long after his leg healed andin the years beyond high school, hecontinued to indulge. “It would benothing for me to eat my supper athome and then go out immediatelyto McDonald’s and order a QuarterPounder with Cheese, a fish sandwich,a large order of fries and a large Coke.Sometimes I would go to McDonald’stwo or three times a day!”Before Askeland knew it, his weighthad ballooned to 280 pounds. In 1975he began a strict low-calorie diet andexercise plan to get down to 190 sohe could join the police force. But onhis break from the night shift, hewould head for the local Chineserestaurant. In time, he regained all theweight and more, reaching a high of474 pounds. Since then, life for Askelandhas been a struggle to lose weightand subdue those hard-to-deny cravingsfor fast food.Stress and Comfort FoodWhat makes people eat like this?On a more modest scale, why do wereach for chocolate or doughnuts or94potato chips when we’re stressed,tired or bored? “Under stress, wecrave foods that we liked as children,a time in our psychological life whenthere was little stress,” says JohnForeyt, PhD, professor of psychiatryat Baylor College of Medicine inTexas. No surprise, then, that whenwe’re under pressure, we don’t reachfor the steamed broccoli.Even animals respond to stress byindulging in fattening foods. A studyat the University of California, SanFrancisco, found that chronic stressprompted lab rats to indulge in highcaloriefoods (in the rats’ case, foodcontaining lard and sucrose).When cravings start to sabotagehealth or weight-loss efforts, however,they may become a source of stress,and that’s a double whammy. Can youlose weight despite yearnings forchocolate or cheeseburgers? Expertssay yes, though conquering cravingscan take some savvy strategy—as wellas insight into the brain and bodychemistry that underlies the yen forRocky Road ice cream or guacamoleand chips.Gotta Have It—Why?Virtually all women (97 percent)and most men (68 percent) admit tohaving food cravings, according toone study. For women, chocolate andother sweets top the list, while menoften yearn for entrées such as juicysteaks or cheeseburgers with allthe trimmings. After menopause,women’s cravings may become morelike men’s. “It’s tempting to say that

MANGO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIShormonal changes areto blame. But therealso could be a groupof older women whogrew up during the Depressionwhen morevalue was placed onmeat and protein foods,so who knows?” explainsMarcia Pelchat,PhD, a food-cravingsresearcher at the MonellChemical SensesCenter in Philadelphia.Hormonal swingsseem to be at leastpartly responsible forwomen’s cravings. Levelsof both estrogenand the feel-good brain chemical serotonindrop when women are premenstrual.And there’s a possibility thatsweets, pasta and other carbohydratefoods can boost serotonin, making youfeel better. Hormonal changes mayalso explain cravings for picklesand ice cream or other pregnancyrelatedhankerings, but so far, there’sno solid proof.Could what we crave be somethingour body needs? Experts are prettycertain that missing nutrients are notto blame for the vast majority of cravings.True, chocolate provides thebody with magnesium. But sad to say,if our bodies really were crying outfor magnesium, we would be longingfor big green salads, which provide alot more than the small amount foundin a chocolate bar.Cravings have very little to do withWomenmay cravechocolate,while menyearn for ajuicy steak.TAKE A BITEhunger, either. Who ishungry at the end ofThanksgiving dinnerwhen the pumpkin pieis served? And whoturns it down? “If you’rehungry, you don’t reallycare what you eat.An unflavored bowl ofoatmeal will do,” saysAllen Levine, PhD, directorof the MinnesotaObesity Center.Instead of satisfyinghunger, cravings rewardus and give uspleasure. Researchersare just beginning tounderstand the brainchemistry at work here. They havefound that the creamy, rich taste ofchocolate can give you a rush that’smore subdued but not totally atodds—biochemically speaking—fromwhat happens in the brain when drugaddicts inject heroin or sniff cocaine.Are Drugs the Answer?At the University of Michigan, researchersfound that cravings forsweets can be turned off with naloxone,a powerful intravenous drug ordinarilyused to counteract heroin andmorphine overdoses. They gave naloxoneto 14 women who were bingeeaters, 8 of whom were obese, and to12 normal-weight women. While gettingthe drugs intravenously, thewomen were told to eat as much asthey wanted of a mouth-wateringarray of cookies and candy bars. Once95

RD I JULY 2006the drug entered their systems, thebinge eaters lost interest in the highcalsmorgasbord. (The normal-weightwomen didn’t eat any more or less.)Another Michigan study showed thatnaloxone squelched the pleasurebinge-eating participants got fromconsuming chocolate and cookies.This doesn’t mean we need a heavydutydrug like naloxone to curb ourappetites, but it does reveal a biochemicalrelationship between foodcravings and drug addiction. “I don’tthink we should be too horrified” atthe parallels, says Dr. Pelchat. “Drugsare bad because they stimulate rewardcircuits more strongly and quicklythan food, and make us neglect ourresponsibilities and fail to take careof ourselves.”Naloxone is much too powerful foreveryday use, but some see promisein the drug Acomplia, currently awaitingapproval by the FDA, which may10 Ways to Control Your CravingsYou can lose weight by overcomingyour cravings now. Here arethe latest tricks of the trade fromresearchers and experts:Avoid your triggers “You cravewhat you eat, so if you switch whatyou’re eating, you can weaken yourold cravings and strengthen newones,” says Marcia Pelchat, PhD, of theMonell Center. This can happen prettyfast. For five days, her study volunteersdrank bland dietary-supplementbeverages. During that time, theycraved fewer of their trigger foods.By the end of the study, the volunteersactually wanted the supplements instead.The first few days are always thehardest, and you probably can’t completelyeliminate your old cravings.But the longer you avoid your triggerfoods, the less likely you may be towant them. In fact, you’ll probablybegin to crave the foods you eat, a realbonus if you’ve switched to fresh fruit.Destroy temptation If you’ve succumbedto a craving and bought a boxof cookies or some other trigger food96and start to feel bad while eating it,destroy it. “Don’t just throw it away;run water over it, ruin it. You’ll feel asense of accomplishment that you’velicked your binge,” says CarolineApovian, MD, director, Nutrition andWeight Management Center at BostonMedical Center. Don’t think about themoney you’re wasting. If the cookiesdon’t go into the garbage, they’regoing straight to your hips.Go nuts Drink two glasses of waterand eat an ounce of nuts (6 walnuts,12 almonds or 20 peanuts). Within20 minutes, this can extinguish yourcraving and dampen your appetite bychanging your body chemistry, saysRD’s “Health IQ” columnist MichaelF. Roizen, MD.Jolt yourself with java Trysipping a skim latte instead of reachingfor a candy bar. The caffeine itcontains won’t necessarily satisfy yourcravings, but it can save you the caloriesby quenching your appetite, saysDr. Roizen. And the warm richnessand ritual can distract you.

TAKE A BITEhelp people lose weight or stop smoking.Still, it’s doubtful that any drugwill be able to cure our cravings. Afterall, they’re not rational—and they’renot all governed by a single brainchemical. “We would have to knowwhat other pleasures we would block,”says Dr. Levine. Another problem withdesigning a drug: Cravings affect morethan one area of the brain. WhenDr. Pelchat and researchers at the Universityof Pennsylvania used functionalMRIs to watch responses to cravings,they saw activity in brain areas relatedto emotion, memory and reward.Researchers now want to knowwhether those reward mechanisms inthe brain could be satisfied by alternativeturn-ons—music, perhaps, orvideo games or shoe shopping. Thatstudy is in the works. Shopaholicseverywhere, beware!How do you conquer your cravings?Tell us at rd.com/cravings.PHOTOGRAPHED BY SUSAN GOLDMANLet it go Since stress is a huge triggerfor cravings, learning to deal withit could potentially save you hundredsof calories a day. This will take somepractice. You can try deep breathingor visualizing a serene scene on yourown, or you can speed things up bybuying one of the many CDs thatteach progressive muscle relaxation.A good one is Relaxation/AffirmationTechniques by Nancy Hopps (availableat rd.com/relax).Take a power nap Cravings sneakup when we’re tired. Focus on thefatigue: Shut the door, close your eyes,re-energize.Get minty fresh Brushyour teeth; gargle withmouthwash. “When youhave a fresh, clean mouth,you don’t want to mess itup,” says Molly Gee, RD,of Baylor College of Medicinein Houston.Distract yourself Ifonly ice cream will do, it’sa craving, not hunger.“Cravings typically lastten minutes,” says JohnOn the CoverCraving ice cream?A half-cup of thelight kind, toppedwith berries, hasonly 162 calories.Foreyt, PhD, of Baylor College of Medicine.Recognize that and divert yourmind: Call someone, listen to music,run an errand, meditate or exercise.Indulge yourself—within limitsOnce in a while, it’s OK to go aheadand have that ice cream (see our coverphoto, below). But buy a small cone,not a pint. Try 100-calorie CocoaViachocolate bars and 100-caloriesnack packs of cookies, peanuts orpretzel sticks. The trick is to buy onlyone pack at a time so you won’t betempted to reach for more. And sinceeven 100 extra calories can sabotageweight loss if you indulgedaily, strike a bargain withyourself to work off theexcess calories. A brisk15-minute walk will burn100 calories or so.Plan or avoid Varyyour usual routine toavoid passing the bakeryor pizzeria. If you knowyou’ll be face-to-face withirresistible birthday cake,allocate enough caloriesto fit it into your diet.97

SUMMER WEIGHT-LOSS SPECIALWhen ItPaystoPlayRemember how much moreactive we used to be? How to getback in the habit. I BY KATHRYN CASEYDAVID ROTH/BOTANICA/JUPITER IMAGESWho could forgetthe late-’60s sitcomThe Brady Bunch?When Greg, Marcia,Peter, Jan, Bobbyand Cindy weren’t all gathered aroundthe table eating pork chops and applesaucewhile gabbing about the triumphsand mishaps of their day, theywere riding their bikes or playing ballin the AstroTurf backyard. Or the familymight be camping together, competingin a sack race, riding mules intothe Grand Canyon—or even just runningdown the stairs of their modsplit-level house to answer the phone.The groovy TV show that aired from1969 to 1974 may not have reflectedsome of the harsher realities of Americanfamily life in that era, but it didshow we moved around more (and atebetter!) in those pre-computer, precell-phonetimes.Today, many people wistfully reminisceabout how Americans lived beforevideo games usurped sandlotbaseball and fast food replaced mealsaround the table. We can learn fromthe way America lived then, includinghow to eat healthier and lose weight.The Home-CookedAdvantageThe family dinner is disappearing,plummeting 33 percent in the pastthree decades. The result is obvious:“We’re eating more calories and gettingless exercise than previous gen-99

RD I JULY 2006erations,” says Lawrence Cheskin, MD,director of the Johns Hopkins WeightManagement Center. “Supersizing ourfood is supersizing us.”Aside from the emotional benefitsof sharing a family meal, the real advantageis control—of the quality, ingredientsand portions of food. In 1970,34 percent of America’s food budgetwas spent in restaurants. Now it’sStart GoodNew HabitsHow is it possible to eat dinner togetherand exercise more when both parentswork and kids are overscheduled? It canbe done, says William Doherty, co-authorof Putting Family First.• Schedule it Make time for mealstogether just like you do for soccerpractice or dentist appointments. Planmeals in advance, shop for groceries onweekends and freeze what you can.• Make it fun Benefits from a familymeal don’t happen just by sitting andeating together; it’s what you do with thattime. First, turn off the TV and talk to oneanother. But avoid stressful subjects likereport cards or work, or power strugglesover food. Keep conversation light.• Go out and play Remember thatswing set in the backyard, the basketballhoop at the end of the driveway, the bikesin the garage? Even 15 minutes of funtogether burns calories, reduces stressand promotes family bonding.• Take a break Limit passive computerand TV time. Get up every 20 minutesand do some stretches, tackle a householdchore or go out for a walk. It clearsyour mind and helps burn off lunch!nearly half. “And restaurant portionshave ballooned,” says Lisa Young, PhD,RD, an adjunct professor at NYU andauthor of The Portion Teller. In her research,Young found restaurant portionswere two to eight times that ofstandard serving sizes.Eating while driving or watchingtelevision has another unhealthy sideeffect. Distracted, we don’t realizehow much we’re putting in ourmouths. At family dinners, when wepause to talk, we eat more slowly, allowingour stomachs time to signalour brains that we’re full.Little Moves MatterIn addition, so much of what’s beendesigned for our high-tech age keepsus from moving around. We sit forhours at the computer—working,shopping, reading, researching, playinggames, even making friends. Withoutever leaving the couch, we cananswer the phone, change the channeland send e-mails from our handhelddevices. Studies have shown thatsome kids raised on these gadgets mayexpend almost no extra physical energyin the course of a day.But here’s how it used to be: We gotup to change the channel. We walkedto the corner mailbox to send a letter.We ran around the backyard to play agame. We got up to answer the phone.We went to the library to do research.We made new friends in the park or atthe bowling alley. Parents went for awalk after dinner. Kids went outsideand just played. And those little expendituresof calories really added up.

Then and …DINNER Salad with dressing,roll with butter, roasted chicken,baked potato and green beansSNACK 16-oz. soda and smallplain popcornNowCALORIES INCalories& Fat618calories,21g fat423calories,11g fatDINNER Hardee’s MonsterThickburgerSNACK 44-oz. soda, largepopcorn with butter topping,3-oz. box Milk DudsCalories& Fat1,410calories,107g fat1,989calories,87g fatCALORIES OUTCalorie expenditures vary by age, gender and weight. These examples are for a140-pound woman.Wash and wax car by handWalk two blocks to mail letterPlay tag for 45 minutes inbackyardWalk a block or two to nearestpay phone, dial and walk backDrive to mall, walk to store,try on clothes, pay, walk backto car and drive homeWalk to co-worker’s office andhand him documentsDrive to photo developer, dropoff film and return next dayCaloriesburned200222255713319178Drive through car washType e-mail and hit sendPlay video game on couchfor 45 minutesPull cell phone from pocketand hit speed dialSit at computer, visit store’swebsite, choose item, type incredit card info and get itemfrom mailboxStay at desk, attach documentsto e-mail and hit sendSit at computer and uploadphotosCaloriesburned9.59.5851017429SOURCE: FABIO COMANA, exercise physiologist, American Council on ExerciseToday, kids must be productive andprepare for success. From 1981 to 1997,children’s free time dropped by 12hours a week and unstructured activitiesby 50 percent. “We’re so worriedabout our kids being able to competethat we’ve created stress for the entirefamily,” says William Doherty, PhD,professor of family social science atthe University of Minnesota. And, aswe know, stress can lead to overeatingand obesity—something we never sawin the lives of that Brady gang.Additional reporting by LISA MILLER FIELDSFor more ideas on healthy weight-losshabits, visit rd.com/healthyhabits.101

One night, HeatherRudnick says, her griefturned into a fiercedetermination to“beat this monster.”

WhyMe?Heather was only 33 andhad never smoked. How couldshe have lung cancer?BY LISA COLLIER COOLHeather rudnick stepped into her boss’s office and shut the door.Outside, a winter chill hung over the glass towers of downtown Philadelphia.“I just got a call: My doctor wants me to come in to discuss mytest results,” she said, choking on the words as she started to cry. “Hewon’t tell me on the phone.” Her boss didn’t ask any questions but said,“Let’s go. You’re too upset to drive.”As they sped to the doctor’s office on that cold January day in 2003,Heather, the divorced mom of a six-year-old son, was terrified. Twelvedays earlier, she’d developed heart palpitations during a treadmill workout.She blamed stress, since she’d been putting in a lot of overtime ather job as a business development coordinator at a Philadelphia law firm.PHOTOGRAPHED BY SHONNA VALESKA103

Heather (with Brad and Tyler) says, “We just try to appreciate the time we have.”After the palpitations persisted forseveral hours, she went to the ER,where tests showed that her heart wasokay. Then a young resident pointedto a cloudy spot on her chest x-ray,in the right lung, which he thoughtmight be pneumonia. That didn’tmake sense to Heather. She felt fineexcept for her pounding heartbeat,which returned to normal the nextmorning. Still, she consulted a lungspecialist and had more tests, includinga needle biopsy. Then she just hadto wait for the results.Now, on the way to the doctor’soffice, she jumped when her bosstouched her arm and suggested theypray together, asking for the strengthto handle the results, whatever theymight be. That made Heather evenmore anxious. “My mind was scream-104ing, No! What are you doing? Youneed to pray that the results are nothing!You need to pray that I am fine!”She had called her boyfriend, BradSaler, before leaving work. To her relief,he was there in the waiting room.He wrapped her in his arms to try toconsole her; then they went into theexam room together.“I felt like I was having an out-ofbodyexperience when I heard the diagnosis,”says Heather. “Tears werepouring down my face. How could Ihave lung cancer? I was only 33, and I’dnever smoked even one cigarette. Thedoctor had no answers, but he keptstressing that the cancer had beencaught early, so surgery should takecare of it. I felt trapped in the middleof a tornado, with the funnel closingin on me.”

WHY ME?She left in a daze, wondering how tobreak the news to her parents. Shecalled her mom at work, and theycried together. Then it was time topick up her son, Tyler, at school. “Imust have looked like I’d been hit bya truck, and my face was swollen fromcrying, but he didn’t notice anythingwrong.” Instead, the little boy wasexcited they were going to visit hisgrandparents.Heather thought she had her emotionsunder control when she arrivedat her parents’ home in Marlton, NewJersey, the same suburb where she andTyler lived. But when her dad gaveher a wink and a sad smile, she lost it,and had to rush to another room. Herfather followed her and gave her along hug. “Dad looked into my eyes,and said I was going to get throughthis,” she says. “I believed him.”The next few days were a blur ofphone calls and medical visits. “Onenight, I fell into a black hole of selfpity,and said, ‘Why me?’ Nothing Bradsaid made me feel any better. He toldme I’d be fine, and I screamed, ‘Youdon’t know that!’ When I asked, ‘Whatabout Tyler?’ he promised to take careof him. Instead of being reassured bythis, I found myself yelling, ‘You thinkI’m going to die!’ I was so scared thatI was beyond all comfort.” And shehad another fear that she was afraidto voice: “Brad and I had only beendating for eleven months. I wonderedif he’d bail. I had a lot of baggage, withhaving a ready-made family—and acancer diagnosis.”But Brad was by her side on February17, 2003, the day of her surgery. Ablizzard had struck New Jersey theday before, and Heather was worriedher operation would be canceled. Beforedawn, Brad shoveled throughfour-foot snowdrifts to the car, whileshe called to make sure the surgeonwould be there at 5:45, as scheduled.At the hospital, there was only timeto say, “I love you” and “See you later”to her boyfriend and her parents beforeshe was wheeled to the OR.Doctors removed almosthalf her lung,along with surroundinglymph nodes, throughan incision under herarm. After a three-dayhospital stay, Heatherreturned to her parents’ home, whereshe spent a month recuperating. Atfirst, she was in such pain that all shecould do was lie on the couch. “Thedoctor gave me a machine to blowinto, and exercises so my shoulderwouldn’t freeze up, but after two minutesI was in absolute agony. It evenhurt to sneeze. I felt like somebodyhad shoved a hard shoe box where mylung was supposed to be.”By her one-month checkup, she wasmuch better. “I told the surgeon thatI’d wear my four-inch scar like a badgeof honor—even in my bikini.” Thedoctor grinned, but the light momentdidn’t last. He turned somber as heexplained that the lab had found cancerin five of her lymph nodes. “I feltblindsided,” says Heather. “Instead ofhaving early cancer, it was advanced.105

RD I JULY 2006I was afraid to ask how much time Ihad left because I didn’t want thatnumber in my head. It would havesucked all the hope out of me.”A panel of cancer specialists reviewedher case and advised six weeksof daily radiation, plus weekly chemotherapy.They explained that becauseshe was young, they could hit her witheverything at once, to get the best shotat a cure. Heather took a deep breath,then said, “Okay, do it.”By the middle of April 2003, HeatherLung Cancer andNonsmokersDana reeve’s recent death highlightsan alarming fact: Women who don’tsmoke are at far greater risk for thedisease than their male counterparts.Among men, only 10 percent of lung cancersoccur in nonsmokers, compared withas much as 30 percent for women. Doctorsare still probing this deadly gendergap, but hormones may play a role, saysDr. James Stevenson of theCancer Institute of NewJersey. “There is some evidencethat estrogen is involvedin the developmentof lung cancer in bothsmoking and nonsmokingwomen.” Other risk factorsfor both sexes include exposureto tobacco fumes,asbestos, radon gas in soil,air pollution and workplacetoxins, or a family history of lung cancer.In 2006, about 20,000 nonsmokers are expectedto develop lung cancer, along withabout 155,000 past and current smokers.106Dana Reeve diedof lung cancer inMarch at age 44.felt well enough to return to work parttimeat the law firm, and started hertreatment later that month. She andBrad also went to a lung cancer supportgroup. Heather was by far theyoungest patient. She found it hearteningto meet ten friendly survivors,and hear their stories of victory anddetermination.Meanwhile, Brad made a decision:He was going to propose. “For a fewmonths, I’d known in my heart that Iwanted to marry Heather, but I’dthought it was too soon to ask,”says the 36-year-old financialplanner. “I wanted to be with herwhether she had cancer or not,because I loved her.” On the Fridaynight before her treatmentwas to begin, during a Scrabblegame he spelled out the words“marry me” on the board, thenshowed her a sparkling diamondring. Thrilled, she flung her armsin the air and, laughing and crying,said, “Yes, yes, yes!”Her happiness helped herget through the first few daysof radiation. “I was on cloudnine, showing my ring to anyonewho would listen,” saysHeather. When she lay on agreen hospital recliner for herfirst chemo session, andwatched the drugs drip intoher arm, she was filled withdread, not just of the side effects,but also the possibility thatit wouldn’t work. According toher doctor, James Stevenson, MD,co-director of the ComprehensiveAP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS

Should You Be Screened?By the time lung cancer symptomsstrike (these include persistentcough, unexplained fever,weight loss, hoarseness, bloodyphlegm and shortness of breath), thedisease is usually so advanced that85 percent of patients die within fiveyears of diagnosis. But now it can bedetected early, according to a February2006 multicenter study. Of 28,689symptom-free men and womenscreened with a spiral CT lung scan,most of those diagnosed with lungcancer (464 patients) had small, highlytreatable tumors that hadn’t spreadoutside the lung.“The only question that needs answeringis exactly how many lives willbe saved,” says Claudia Henschke, MD,the study’s lead author. “Perhaps itmight be as much as 50 percent.”However, lung scans, which cost about$300 each, can also pick up harmlessabnormalities, causing healthy peopleneedless alarm.So who should get tested? “Considerscreening if you’re 50 or older, andhave smoked a pack a day for at leastten years, or two packs a day for atleast five years—even if you have nowquit,” says Dr. Henschke. For more information,go to ielcap.org, the site ofthe International Early Lung CancerAction Program.Lung Cancer Program at the CancerInstitute of New Jersey at Cooper UniversityHospital, “only 15 to 20 percentof people with her stage of cancer arecured, even with chemotherapy andradiation. Most don’t live more thantwo years. But if anyone could beatthose odds, it’s Heather. She’s youngand healthy, and has every reason tobe optimistic.”During the treatment, however, shegot sicker and more discouraged everyday. She vomited blood, developedblistering burns on her chest and back,and smelled a constant charred scentthat left her too nauseated to eat. The5' 7" mom’s weight dropped from 140pounds to 113, and her strawberryblondcurls fell out in clumps. Bradmoved in to take care of her. As shegot sicker, her thoughts grew increasinglygloomy. “When Brad talkedabout our wedding, a voice in my headasked if I’d still be around then. I hadvisions of Tyler sobbing because I’ddied. I’d watch him as he slept, andwonder if he’d remember me.”But one night, as she sat by Tyler’sbed, her sadness shifted to fierce determination.“It was as if a switchclicked on inside me,” she says. “I hadto make it through the treatment so Icould beat this monster. My little boyneeded me—and I needed him!” Shebattled side effects for months, but littleby little her strength returned. Totrack her progress, she had lung scansevery three months, and was elatedwhen test after test found no sign ofcancer. On January 15, 2004, she worea strapless ivory gown as she marriedBrad on a cruise ship, with Tyler asthe best man.In November 2004, however, shegot terrible news: A scan showed 25or more specks scattered through both107

RD I JULY 2006lungs. Because the nodules were sotiny, it was impossible to biopsy them,says Dr. Stevenson. He determined itcould be a microscopic spread of hercancer, or inflammation from hertreatment. He advised scans everythree months to see if the spots grewsignificantly. If so, he’d do a biopsy.And if cancer was found, the onlytreatment was chemotherapy. Butuntil there was a clear diagnosis, theycould only watch and wait.Each subsequent scan showed thatthe specks had grown slightly, but notenough for a biopsy. Faced with constantanxiety, and no immediate medicaloptions, Heather looked for otherways to protect her health. Since shewas already slim, exercised as much aspossible and avoided exposure to secondhandsmoke, she only had one badhabit to kick: her terrible diet.“I’d have a soft pretzel with mustardfor breakfast, fast food burgersfor lunch, and nachos glopped withcheese for dinner.” In May 2005 shebegan a special macrobiotic diet.Dr. Stevenson okayed the plan. “Someof my patients with advanced lungcancer have tried a macrobiotic diet.For someone like Heather, it may havean impact, but there’s not much researchon that.” She says she’s neverfelt healthier, and on her most recentscan, the spots remain tiny, leadingDr. Stevenson to conclude that if theyare cancer, it’s a very slow-growingform. “There’s still reason for optimism,”he says.To celebrate, in March 2006Heather and Brad went on a sevendaycruise. Leaving winter behind,they visited Dunns River Falls in Jamaica.As rushing water splashed theirlegs, they began to climb the 600-footwaterfall. While many people stoppedat a platform partway up, Heatherpushed on, despite her radiationdamagedlungs, until she made it tothe top. That victorious moment, shesays, sums up her cancer journey: “It’sa series of slippery rocks I’ve had toclimb for the past three years. I don’tknow where I’ll end up, but whateverthe obstacles are, I’m determined totake that next step.”BUT I LIKE TO HEAR MYSELF TALKSome people live by the credo “Why use one word to describe somethingwhen I can use 47?” But in some cultures, that’s frowned upon.Here are some succinct examples and their English translations.Tingo (Easter Island): “To take all the objects one desires from thehouse of a friend, one at a time, by borrowing them”Nakkele (Tulu, India): “A man who licks whatever the food has beenserved on”108Bakku-shan (Japanese): “A girl who appears pretty from behind butnot from the front” The Meaning of Tingo by ADAM JACOT DE BOINOD (Penguin)

When you jump in the ocean, you swimat your own risk. Right?YOUBe the JudgeBY ROBIN GERBERRabbi israel poleyeff, a high schoolteacher in Cedarhurst, New York,didn’t have much time for vacations.Neither did his wife, Eugenie,a school secretary. That’swhy the couple, both intheir 60s, had beenlooking forward to atrip to Miami Beachduring the break betweenschool termsin February 1997.Zachary Breaux,another New Yorker,headed to Miami Beachthat week as well. The 36-year-old jazz guitarist wasthere with his wife, Frederica, andtheir young daughters, Alexis, Mia andNina. Breaux’s latest album, UptownGroove, had just reached No. 14 onBillboard’s contemporary jazz chart,and the family had gone to MiamiBeach to celebrate.Neither family could have knownthat their lives were about tobe tragically linked. TheBreauxes were stayingat the Seville Hotel,on the water at 29thStreet. On their lastday of vacation,they strolled out tojoin other beachgoersalready enjoyingthe sand, sun andsurf. The beach hada city-run bathhousewith showers and picnictables, and a tiki hut that housed HurricaneBeach Rentals, with beachchairs, umbrellas and watersportequipment. What the beach did nothave was a lifeguard.ILLUSTRATED BY GUY BILLOUT 109

RD I JULY 2006That same day, the Poleyeffs madetheir way down to the 29th Streetbeach. Eugenie Poleyeff loved to swim.So, as her husband enjoyed the sunnyday, Eugenie joined a number of othersalready in the water.But no one at the 29th Street beachknew that a riptide was rushing withdeadly force under the surface. A riptideis a narrow slice of rapidlycoursing water that movesaway from the shore—and Eugenie had theextreme bad luckof swimming rightinto this perilouscurrent. The powerfulriptide immediatelypulled herout to sea.As Eugenie cried outfor help, it was ZacharyBreaux, building sand castleswith his daughters, who heardher screams. The young father shotinto the water, while his wife rantoward the boardwalk to find a lifeguard.Zachary’s daring leap intothe sea made perfect sense to his family:In 1988, the excellent swimmerand former Eagle Scout had saved adrowning man off the coast of Italy.But the riptide proved too strongeven for him: Zachary was also overcomeby the ocean’s force. Horrifiedbystanders gathered at the surf’s edgeand watched the two swimmers thrashin the ocean. Incredibly, a group ofRobin Gerber is a lawyer in Washington, D.C.,and author of Katharine Graham: The LeadershipJourney of an American Icon.110men were able to snatch the pair andbring them to shore. A few of the menwere still administering CPR when alifeguard ran up from a beach eightblocks away. But it was too late. Eugenieand Zachary both died.The Poleyeff and Breaux familiessued Miami Beach, arguing that thecity had control over the area. Thecity should have warned swimmersof rip currents, theyclaimed. And whyweren’t lifeguards onduty? Anyone couldsee people wereswimming. Didn’tMiami Beach havea duty to provideocean-lovers with asafe place to swim?After all, the cityseemed to be encouragingpeople to swim by supplyingpublic showers andwatersport rentals. At every otherbeach where the city offered theseamenities, there were also lifeguards.The day of the drowning, the lifeguardat the 21st Street beach, just eightblocks away, had even posted riptidewarning flags. This tragedy could havebeen avoided if Miami Beach hadshown reasonable care.The city saw its responsibilities differently.Miami Beach’s lawyers certainlydid not think licensing beachequipmentrentals increased the city’sresponsibility for swimmers. And theattorneys were adamant that the citycouldn’t protect against riptides,events that occur suddenly, randomly,

YOU BE THE JUDGEand in oceans all over the world. Howcould the city protect people from thenatural force of the sea? Keep in mindthat Florida has over 2,000 miles ofshoreline. It would be impossible toprotect the public at all times.Besides, the city council had decidedwhich beaches along the vastshoreline to specify as swimmingareas. These beaches had posted signsinforming the public that swimmingwas allowed. The 29th Street beachhad not been designated a swimmingarea, and had no sign indicating thatswimming was—or was not—allowed.For Miami Beach to be held liablefor the deaths, a city attorney argued,“you’d have to say that the AtlanticOcean itself is a hazardous conditionthat must be guarded and protectedagainst.” People have a right to swimwherever they want, the city said, butMiami Beach didn’t have a duty toprotect them wherever and wheneverthey chose to swim.Did the city of Miami Beach have aduty to warn swimmers of danger, or didPoleyeff and Breaux swim at their ownrisk? You Be the Judge!Verdict The Case of the Raging RiptideLast year, the Florida SupremeCourt made clear that MiamiBeach was running the beach on29th Street as a public swimming area.The city was responsible for the beachand water activities.The court added that by supplyingamenities, especially beach rentals,the city influenced people’s selectionof that area for swimming. The publicwas led to believe that swimmingwas allowed—signs or no signs. Thecourt even went so far as to say thatMiami Beach knew people wereswimming there and as a result hadprovided access from the boardwalkas well as beach facilities, such asshowers. The city, whether it admittedit or not, was running a swimmingarea at the 29th Street beach, and hada duty to warn swimmers of the possibledangers.Nine years have passed since IsraelPoleyeff and Frederica Breaux losttheir spouses, and a settlement fromMiami Beach seems likely. Lifeguardsare now posted at the 29th Streetbeach, and the city’s website providesinformation on rip currents. Two morePoleyeff grandchildren have beenborn, one named for Eugenie. AndZachary Breaux’s album, the one thatput him on the Billboard chart, is stillfor sale. The last song on the CD iscalled “I Love This Life.”KNOW OF ANY INTEREST-ING OR ODD CASES? E-mailjudgeideas@rd.com. Yourstory could be the next You Be theJudge! Sending gives us permissionto edit and publish. Do you agree withthe decision in this case? Share youropinion at rd.com/community.111

starstruckWhen I finally bought a fancytelescope, I saw the universe in awhole new light I BY PETER LESCHAKFROM NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ADVENTURENASA, ESA AND H.E. BOND/STSCI112

I contracted celestial fever trying, in a way, to reach outer space andget to heaven. In early 1998, my friends Chris and Catherine purchaseda serious telescope, a six-inch Maksutov-Cassegrain. They knew I wasa lapsed high school nerd astronomer, so they were eager to sharetheir new toy with me.One cold winter night, Chris and I hiked onto a frozen lake neartheir house in northeastern Minnesota, packing a tripod and the newMak. Chris focused on the Double Cluster, a pair of dense shoals of starsmore than 7,000 light-years away. He slipped in a wide-angle eyepieceand grinned. “Check that out,” he said.I looked. The field was packed with stars from center to edge and wasso finely resolved that I felt as if I could climb in there and float around.This unexpected revival of my astronomy obsession after 30 yearshad started almost accidentally. A few months earlier, I had impulsivelypointed to Orion and recited to Chris and Catherine the namesof stars I’d taught myself as an adolescent. Under a clear, dark sky, itwas easy to be moved by stars, like sparkles on the frosting of a cake.With his dreamscope, Peter Leschaksees Saturn, the CrabNebula, and the Dippersshining through redand-greenarcs ofcelestial mist.PHOTOGRAPHED BY PER BREIEHAGEN

RD I JULY 2006“There’s Rigel,” I said, “and there’sBetelgeuse and Bellatrix.” My companionswere genuinely starstruck, andtheir enthusiasm was contagious.But the only telescope I owned wasa cheap 60-millimeter refractor, littlebetter than the instrument used byGalileo in 1610 to discover the fourlargest moons of Jupiter. A Christmasgift when I was 14, it had seen “firstlight,” the term describing the initiationof a new scope, in January1965. Since then I’d occasionally daydreamedabout owning a quality telescope,as my small refractor didn’t somuch reveal the cosmos as veil it.As a teenager in the late 1960s, I calculatedthat if I saved every dime Iearned from my newspaper route, I’dbe able to purchase my fantasy telescopein 71 years. But even when Ibegan to earn adult-size paychecks asa peripatetic wildland firefighter, thefantasy faded into a wishing well ofperceived frivolity.After that night on the lake, I wondered,Why not get a good telescope?But the impulse to possess smelled ofheresy, so I squelched it. What I desiredwould cost about $4,000.Then came El Niño. Assuming abusy wildfire year in northeasternMinnesota where I live, it would beconceivable to pay the bills, sock awaysome loot as a grubstake against hardtimes, and still buy an excellent instrument.I mulled it over for six weeks.I mentioned it to my wife, Pam (alsoa firefighter), then felt guilty for evenverbalizing the desire. We’d had somany lean years. She fixed me witha penetrating eye. “It’s not just themoney, is it?” she asked.“Well,” I replied, “it is the money,but I suppose it’s also a feeling that Idon’t deserve such a fine object.” NowI felt a little pathetic as well as guilty.“Get over it.” She then explained—turning one of my fatalistic notionsback on me—that I could be dead tomorrow,rendering all financial pruderyirrelevant. “Get the telescope,” shesaid. “Life is short.”That clinched it. Within five weeks,my fire buddies, who preferred beerand burgers, were tired of hearingabout my choices in optics. But I hadmy starship.The 540-millimeter TV-101 is a stunninginstrument. The flat black mountis so smooth and finely machined thatjust aiming the scope is a pleasure, likespinning the steering wheel of a Lexus.In his practical yet poetic CelestialHandbook, Robert Burnham, Jr., wrotethat amateur astronomers enjoy a benefitdabblers in other fields lack. Forexample, rock hounds must be contentwith second- or third-rate specimens—theywill not own the Hopediamond or the complete skeleton ofa triceratops. But the part-time astronomer“has access at all times tothe original objects of his study; themasterworks of the heavens belong tohim as much as to the great observatoriesof the world.”I greedily wanted to begin a totalimmersionbaptism of light with thenew scope. A stretch of foul weatherNATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ADVENTURE (SEPTEMBER ’04), © 2004 BY NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SOCIETY,17 AND M STREETS, N.W., WASHINGTON, D.C. 20036

The Ring Nebula, capturedby the Hubble TelescopeHow to get startedAgood beginner’s star chart is Wil Tirion’sDeepMap 600 (oriontelescopes.com). Howmuch you spend on a telescope depends onwhat you want to see, but expect to pay at least$300. Opt for a quality scope with a 3-inch refractor(low maintenance, with a lens) or a 6-inchreflector (a brighter image, but the trade-off isbulk, weight and frequent realigning of the opticalmirror). Catadioptric telescopes are a good compromisebetween weight, size and performance.For expert guidance, join an astronomy club. P.L.HUBBLE HERITAGE TEAM (AURA/STSCI/NASA)intervened, and with the summer solsticeapproaching, the backwoods skyabove our cabin wasn’t fully dark untilafter 10 p.m. I took “astronomy naps”in the afternoons so I could be alert atthe eyepiece until long after midnightif the clouds were to part.At 10:30 one June evening, I set upthe TV-101. It was a clear night. A waninggibbous moon was due to riseclose to 11 o’clock, washing out the sky,so there wasn’t much time to hunt fordim, deep-sky objects like galaxies,star clusters or nebulae.I swung the scope to the constellationof Lyra, homing in on the famousRing Nebula. The Ring is a planetarynebula, an expanding shell of gas surroundingan exceptionally hot star.Such structures are often doughnutshaped—abright band with a darkcore—the star sometimes visible inthe center, like a cosmic bull’s-eye. I’dseen the Ring as a fuzzy dot in the old60-millimeter three decades before.Now, when I zeroed in with theTV-101, my breathing stopped. I couldsee the Ring, distinct and magnificent!I laughed aloud, delighted. I’d seenphotographs, practically drooled onthem, but this was real, an “original.”In a moment I was dancing aroundthe tripod, demented with excitement,overcome by an abrupt feelingof déjà vu, not over the Ring itself,but over the sense of awe and wonder.It was a vivid flashback to the summerof 1965: I’m 14 years old. I’mthrilled, inspired. That old 60-millimeter,with all its shortcomings, had alteredmy worldview, literally changedmy life. It offered the incandescentjoy of small-town adolescent explorationand discovery. Now I felt thatbrand of joy and release again. Backthen, despite some fast-forward growingup I was shoved into by circumstance—familyrupture, religiousconfusion, the prospect of the draft—there was a quality I held in abundance:hope. I considered the futureopen-ended, not unlike the vista seenthrough a telescope.And that June night, in the glow ofthe Ring and the rising moon, at age47, I was again revived and reborn. ■115

UncommonCourtesyWe keep hearing about thedeath of civility—but it’s alive andwell in a place you’d least expectBY NEENA SAMUEL AND JOSEPH K. VETTERAwoman heads into apopular New York Citycoffee shop on a chillywinter morning. Justahead of her, a mandrops a file full of documents.The woman pauses, and stoopsto help gather the papers.Six blocks away, a different man entersanother shop, but not before politelyholding the door for the personbehind him. A clerk at another busystore thanks a customer who’s justmade a purchase. “Enjoy,” the youngwoman says, smiling widely. “Have anice day.” She sounds like she reallymeans it.116Whoa. Common courtesy on themean streets of a city known for itsin-your-face style? Have New Yorkerssuddenly gone soft?In her international bestsellingdeath-of-manners manifesto Talk tothe Hand, author Lynne Truss arguesthat common courtesies such as saying“Excuse me” are practically extinct.There are certainly plenty whowould agree with her. Consider thatin one recent survey, 70 percent ofU.S. adults said people are ruder nowthan they were 20 years ago.Is it really true? Reader’s Digest decidedto find out if courtesy truly isILLUSTRATED BY ISTVAN BANYAI

RD I JULY 2006kaput. RD sent reporters to majorcities in 35 countries where the magazineis published—from Auckland,New Zealand, to Zagreb, Croatia. Inthe United States, that meant targetingNew York, where looking out forNo. 1—the heck with the other guy—has always been a basic survival skill.The routine in New York was similarto the one followed elsewhere:Two reporters—one woman and oneman—fanned out across the city, homingin on neighborhoods where streetlife and retail shops thrive. They performedthree experiments: “doortests” (would anyone hold one openfor them?); “document drops” (whowould help them retrieve a pile of “accidentally”dropped papers?); and“service tests” (which salesclerkswould thank them for a purchase?).For consistency, the New York testswere conducted at Starbucks coffeeshops, by now almost as common inthe Big Apple as streetlights. In all, 60tests (20 of each type) were done.Along the way, the reporters encounteredall types: men and womenof different races, ages, professions,and income levels.They met an aspiringactress, a high schoolstudent, a hedgefundanalyst andtwo New York City police officers.And guess what? In the end, four outof every five people they encounteredpassed RD’s courtesy test—makingNew York the most courteous city inthe world. Imagine that.A for EffortWhile 90 percent of New Yorkerspassed the door test, only 55 percentaced the document drop. Are peopleless likely to help others when doingso takes extra effort or time? Not always,the reporters found. Take thepregnant woman who thought nothingof bending down to help us with ourpapers. Or the Queens woman namedLiz who precariously balanced twocoffees, her keys and her wallet on atakeout tray with one hand, whilepicking up papers off the wet pavementwith the other. Her reason forhelping? “I was there,” shesaid matter-of-factly.Part of the JobNineteen of the 20 clerkswho were subjected to servicetests passed. Roger Benjamin,the manager andcoffee master at a Man-118

hattan Starbucks, acknowledged thatthe chain trains its employees to becourteous. And some baristas the RDreporters encountered went beyondbasic niceties. “You have to feed offpeople’s vibes,” said one clerk. “Yougo out of your way to show customersthey did us a favor by coming here.” Atanother store, a green-apron-cladattendant said that while courtesy waspart of his job, he sought respect inreturn: “It’s contagious.”Chivalry: Not Dead YetOverall, men were the most willingto help, especially when it came todocument drops. In those, men offeredaid 63 percent of the time, comparedto 47 percent among women. Ofcourse, men weren’t entirely democraticabout whom they’d help. All ofthem held the door for RD’s femalereporter, and were more than twiceas likely to help her pick up fallen papersthan they were to help our malereporter. “I’ll hold the door for whoever’sbehind me,” said Pete Muller,27, an account executive from Brooklyn.“But I’m definitely more consciousof women!” he added with a smile.Mother Knows BestBy far, the most common reasonpeople cited for being willing to goout of their way to help others wasThe chart at right ranks—from most courteous*to least courteous—the 35 major cities includedin RD’s Global Courtesy Test. Figures reflect thepercentage of people who passed in each city.When multiple cities had identical scores, theyare listed in alphabetical order.World of Courtesy*New York USA 80%Zurich Switzerland 77Toronto Canada 70Berlin Germany 68São Paulo Brazil 68Zagreb Croatia 68Auckland New Zealand 67Warsaw Poland 67Mexico City Mexico 65Stockholm Sweden 63Budapest Hungary 60Madrid Spain 60Prague Czech Republic 60Vienna Austria 60Buenos Aires Argentina 57Johannesburg South Africa 57Lisbon Portugal 57London United Kingdom 57Paris France 57Amsterdam Netherlands 52Helsinki Finland 48Manila Philippines 48Milan Italy 47Sydney Australia 47Bangkok Thailand 45Hong Kong 45Ljubljana Slovenia 45Jakarta Indonesia 43Taipei Taiwan 43Moscow Russia 42Singapore 42Seoul South Korea 40Kuala Lumpur Malaysia 37Bucharest Romania 35Mumbai India 32

No, You First: Test Your MannersAt Work1. An associate starts totell you something embarrassingabout an unpopularco-worker. You …a. Stop him short. You’renot interested in otherpeople’s business.b. Pipe up with a bit ofyour own gossip.c. Pay attention. It mightbe useful when playingoffice politics.2. Approaching a colleague’sdesk, you noticeshe’s on the phone. You …a. Flash an index finger.You just need a minute.b. Leave her a Post-it sayingyou’d like to speakwith her when she’s free.c. Hover until she finallyhangs up.In Public Places3. Your cell phone ringson a crowded bus. You …a. Answer and talk as youwould anywhere else.b. Answer and quietly sayyou’ll call back.c. Simply shut it off untilyou’re off the bus.4. You’ve got 14 items inyour cart, and the supermarketis packed. You …a. Race to the 10-itemexpress lane.b. Hit the express lane,and group your items astwo purchases.c. Grab a magazine anduse the regular checkout.At Home5. At the dinner table,your son reaches past youReady for part two of this mind-your-mannersquiz? Go to rd.com/courtesy.for the meat loaf. You …a. Reach past him toget to the broccoli.b. Suggest that in thefuture he ask you topass him the dish.c. Comment on howlong his arms are getting.With Strangers6. You run into a manyou’ve met once, butforget his name. You …a. Keep the conversationshort so as not to embarrassyourself.b. Simply pretend youknow his name.c. Admit and apologizefor your memory lapse.Answers: 1. a; 2. b; 3. b;4. c; 5. b; 6. cHOW YOU RATE0-2 Courtesy Clod3-4 Socially So-So5-6 Manners Maventheir upbringing. “It’s the way I wasraised,” said one young woman whoheld a door open despite strugglingwith her umbrella on a frigid, sleetyday in Brooklyn.Her sentiment was echoed by ChristineDuBois, a 49-year-old sales managerfrom Bayside, Queens. DuBoiswas headed to the gym when shestopped to retrieve a pile of scatteredpapers. “It’s something that’s taughtto you when you’re young,” she said.A few people, including FrederickMartin, 29, credited their mothers’ in-120fluence specifically. “My mom broughtme up like that,” Martin said. “It’s puremanners.”What Goes Around …Another reason people are quick tobe courteous: “You do what you’d wantother people to do if it happened toyou,” said Christine Rossi, who pitchedin on an early-morning documentdrop. Dennis Kleinman, a 57-year-olddoctor and writer, used one word tosum up what drove his impulse tohelp: “Empathy.” He came to the aid of

an RD reporter when a middle-agedwoman ignored a pile of papers infront of a shop on Manhattan’s EastSide. “The same thing happens to me,and I appreciate it when someonetakes 10 to 15 seconds of their valuabletime to help,” he said.Excuses, ExcusesThe reporters did run into a fewcourtesy clods. In one case, while anRD staffer was inside a Starbucksinterviewing a woman who’d passedthe door test, a dozen obliviouspeople stepped over a second staffer’sfallen papers. Another time, a wiseguy offered only a snarky commenton our clumsiness: “That guy had toomuch coffee!” he cracked.And just when we thought we’dheard every excuse in the book for nothelping, along came Margot Zimmerman.The 44-year-old computer saleswomanwas on her way into a QueensStarbucks when a reporter droppedhis folder of papers right at her feet.Looking down, Zimmerman steppedgingerly around the papers, then enteredthe shop. “I’m probably one ofthe most courteous people,” she insistedlater. “I pick up every other person’sdog poop. I help old ladies acrossthe street. But when he dropped hispapers, he made such a face.”Thankfully, such responses were theexception, not the rule. Which makesNew York City a pretty darn politeplace—the most polite major city in theentire world, in case you missed it before.We realize this isn’t a rigorousscientific study, but we believe it is areasonable real-world test of goodmanners around the globe. And it’scomforting to know that in a placewhere millions of people jostle oneanother each day in a relentless pushto get ahead, they’re able to do it witha smile and a thank-you. Hey, if theycan make nice here, they can makenice anywhere.FREUDIAN YIPThe FDA approved a Prozactypedrug for dogs who are depressed.This is good, because it’shard for dogs to get therapy, sincethey’re never allowed on the couch.COLIN QUINN on Saturday Night Live (NBC)121

The family was fast asleep—the nextBY WILLIAM M. HENDRYXA wave of water 30 feet highspun Jerry Toops like a tornado.Debris battered and cut him. Hefought to keep his head up, usingall the strength in his legs andupper body to swim, anglingacross the ripping current toward122a line of cedar trees. The nightwas as black as the water, thetrees vague shadows against anebony sky. As he was swepttoward the cedars, Toops grabbeda limb and held on. Wood, piecesof plaster and litter slammed him,accumulating around his waistlike flotsam against a pole in a

The retaining wall of theTaum Sauk reservoir nearLesterville, Missouri,collapsed, releasing abillion gallons of water.moment they were fighting for their livesAP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOSbreakwater. The rubble weighedhim down. He was an outdoorsmanwith strong, callused hands,but inch by inch, the weight andforce of the water pulled hishand down the tree limb, strippingthe leaves.Just when he could hold on nolonger, the debris gave way, andDIGITAL MANIPULATION BY TAMARA REYNOLDSToops pulled himself into theswaying treetop. Clinging there,exhausted, wearing only his undershortsin the spitting snowand 32-degree chill, he was limpwith fatigue. He was alive, butas he surveyed the rampagingwater, he was certain his wifeand babies were dead.123

RD I JULY 2006Lisa looked up and saw the roof of theBedtime came early for the Toopsfamily at their three-bedroom brickranch house nestled in a forested valleyin Johnson’s Shut-Ins State Park.At 8 p.m. Lisa Toops put the three kidsto bed. She and Jerry, superintendentof the park, followed soon after. Selfreliantand religious, they were usedto a work cycle that more closely followedthe sun than the flow of commutertraffic. Jerry was a real “rangertype,” rugged, fit, good with his hands.His outdoorsman’s beard was just beginningto gray at the edges.The 42-year-old naturalist loved thepark, with its strange formations ofigneous rock called shut-ins. A billionyears ago volcanic activity caused agranite upheaval and confined, or“shut-in,” the Black River in southeastMissouri. Over the ages, the trappedwater carved spectacular gorges, naturalwater slides and potholes in thehard rock. In the summertime, thepark was a magnet for swimming,camping and hiking, but now, in theweeks before Christmas, all was quiet.At 4 a.m. that December 14, 2005,the baby awoke, softly crying to befed. Lisa brushed her sandy hair awayfrom sleepy green eyes, pluckedTucker from his crib near their bedroomand retreated down the hall tothe living room sofa to nurse him.Normally, after feeding she’d put himback in his crib, but this night theyboth fell asleep on the couch.An hour later, Lisa bolted awake.There was a booming roar—loud, then124soft, then loud again—a huge tornado,she thought. She tucked the infantunder one arm and jumped up. “Jerry,get the kids!” She figured the basementwas their only hope. She ran toTanner’s room. The five-year-old wasclimbing from his bed, awakened bythe bedlam. She yelled to him to come,extending her hand, but before shecould grasp him, a barrage of waterrushed into the house.It coursed around her ankles, herknees. In seconds the water level wasabove her chest. Lisa held the babyover her head as the surge filled theroom. She didn’t know what was happening,but tried to stay calm for herkids. “Hang on to the bed!” she calledto Tanner, fighting to stay upright inthe flood. The water kept rising, relentlessly.“Hold your breath, baby!”she called over the din. In the nextmoment, they were in liquid darkness.“Jerry—!” That was all Jerry Toopshad heard of Lisa’s cry to “get thekids.” The sharp urgency in her voicesliced through his sleep a moment beforethe roar cut off the rest of hersentence. The noise. It sounded likea squadron of jet aircraft flyingthrough the house. Jerry’s feet hit thefloor, and in that same instant, theback wall of the bedroom exploded,slamming him back. A second later,the opposite wall blew out, heavinghim and the bed in reverse. He wasdeep underwater.Intuitively, he swam upward—10

house crack open like an eggshell.feet, 20, 30, before surfacing in a sea ofuprooted trees, Sheetrock, furniture,and granite boulders the size of SUVs.It looked like the Biblical Flood, everythingdestroyed. He swam to a portionof rooftop that floated nearby andclimbed on. “Lisa! Tanner! Tara!Tucker!” he called, but couldn’t hearhis own voice above the rushing water.Praying to see just one head bob tothe surface, he knew the odds wereall wrong. He was strong and agile,and it had taken all he had to escape.What chance did they have?It seemed forever. Underwater, LisaToops fought for her life and the livesof Tucker and Tanner. She had no ideawhere Tara, her three-year-old, was.The thought was terrible. She pushedit aside and focused.DAM BREAKAs suddenly as it had crested, thewater began to recede. Lisa’s headcame into air. Gasping, she looked upto see the roof splinter and crack openlike an eggshell. A way out wherethere had been none. She hugged theinfant with one arm and swam towardthe opening with the other. Wherewas Tanner? She’d lost her firstbornchild amid the chaos. Kick your feet,baby, she thought, hoping he wouldremember the swimming lessons he’dhad that summer. Kick your feet.Within moments, she and the infantwashed free of the crumbling house,riding what amounted to a tsunami inthe wintry pitch of night.The Toops house before and afterthe reservoir ruptured. Their homewas the only one destroyed.COURTESY TOOPS FAMILY

RD I JULY 2006In the silence and predawn darknessThirty seconds earlier, he’d beensound asleep. Now Jerry Toops wasin a battle for his life. The section ofrooftop he’d stood on buckled beneathhim, and he dropped back into theswirling waves. Finally, he managedto grab onto the cedar tree and climbfrom the water. His body was batteredand numbed by the freezing chill.Toops strained his eyes in the darknight. He knew what had happened.He’d foreseen the possibility. He’deven prepared, devising an evacuationplan in case a natural disaster rupturedthe dam on the mountaintop lessthan two miles from their home. Hisjob required it, but his choice to livethere had put his family at risk. Heblamed himself for their deaths.Toops was only half-correct aboutthe flood. The dam had ruptured, cascading1.5 billion gallons—6 milliontons—of water into a narrow valley,leveling everything in its path, includingan entire hardwood forest. But itwas not a natural disaster that releasedthe monster. It was a man-made flaw.Completed in 1963, the dam hadconcrete walls 90 feet tall. It was partof the Taum Sauk hydroelectric generatingfacility owned by the local utility.A fail-safe mechanism had goneawry, allowing the reservoir to over-Back on dry land, the Toops(from top) Jerry, Lisa, Tara,Tucker and Tanner.PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDS

DAM BREAKWadlow heard a faint cry for help.fill. Runoff eroded the soil beneathone edge of the basin, and it crumbled,washing the Toops family away.Captain ryan wadlow of the volunteerfire department in Lesterville wasjust leaving for his job as a heavyequipmentoperator when the emergencypager sounded around 5:50 a.m.Wadlow stood 6'7" and weighed 327pounds. To strangers he looked threatening;friends and neighbors knewhim for his soft heart.Living close by, Wadlow was firston the scene. He didn’t know it, butroughly 45 minutes had elapsed sincethe Toops family had been swept fromtheir home. He parked his truck andslogged through knee-deep mud andwater, tracing the reflected ruin withhis flashlight.Everything in this valley, usually sofamiliar to him, was unrecognizable.Divested. Scraped away. A stretch ofthe elevated road was covered in sixinches of sludge. A towering wall ofuprooted trees had been depositednear the edge of a bridge spanning theBlack River. On the opposite side ofthe roadway from where the family’shome had been, several vehicles littereda sodden field as if they’d beendropped from the sky.Just then, in the silence of predawn,came a faint cry for help. A man’svoice, desperate and shaking with cold.“Where are you?” Wadlow called back.“Help,” was the only reply, repeatedagain and again.Shining a path with his flashlight,Wadlow trudged a quarter-milethrough light rain and spitting snowinto the field, stumbling up to hiscalves in muck, listening for the voice.Seven minutes later, he found himselfunder a tree. The voice was comingfrom above. A man, deathly ashen,wearing only undershorts, was clingingto the upper limbs. He was bleedingand covered with silt and leaves,and appeared to be in shock.Wadlow stretched to his full height,helped Jerry Toops to the ground, andgave him his coat. “Are you the parksuperintendent?” he asked.“Yes,” said Toops.“Anybody with you?” asked Wadlow.Toops mumbled something unintelligibleas Wadlow’s two-way radiocrackled. Other members of the volunteerdepartment were now on thescene, including Chief Ben Meredithand veteran Gary Maize, looking forsurvivors.Wadlow escorted Toops to the edgeof the flood-scoured field and hadanother volunteer take him to an ambulance.Then Wadlow returned tosearch. Meanwhile, Gary Maize andtwo others had begun hunting abouta half-mile north of Wadlow and thecommand post.With one weak flashlight betweenthem, Maize’s group inched through aminefield of slimy waste and barbedwirefences. “Anybody out there?”Maize shouted. Then he said to theothers, “Shhh! I heard something.” He127

PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDSRescuers Gary Maize, RyanWadlow and Ben Meredith in thefield where they found Tara,Tucker and Tanner.killed his radio and listened intently.Slowly, deliberately, he scanned thefield with the light. Just ahead therewas something in the rubble.Wearing only a nightshirt, LisaToops sat limp and incoherent on thesoggy ground near the far perimeterof the field about a half-mile fromwhere her home once stood. She heldthe gurgling infant tightly to her chest,while five-year-old Tanner lay apparentlylifeless across her legs. Neitherstirred nor spoke. They had beenstranded there in the rain and snowfor an hour and ten minutes.“Ma’am, are you all right?” Maizeasked. Clearly she was not. He tookthe baby and cleared its air passagesof mud and leaves. Another firefighter128wrapped Tanner in his coat and feltfor a pulse. He couldn’t find one.Ryan Wadlow had by now joinedthe others. He lifted Lisa into his armsand carried her toward rescue vehiclesat the edge of the field.One of the volunteers asked her,“Ma’am, how many children do youhave?” Lisa was unresponsive, refusingto let go of Wadlow’s neck. “Howmany children, ma’am?”Lisa seemed to come awake. “I havethree ...” she said, and then her voicetrailed off into silence.Somehow, in all the tumult, she’dmanaged to hold on to her baby. And,miraculously, she’d snagged Tanneras he washed by her, crying for help.But she had not seen or heard anythingof Tara, her sweet little girl.After turning lisa over to volunteers,Wadlow slogged back to thespot where she’d been found. He stood

DAM BREAKin the stillness for a moment. Then heheard a weak whimper. A child! Hefollowed the sound. Sloshing throughmud, some 30 feet away, he came to acedar tree. There beneath the boughs,almost invisible under silt and rubbish,lay a little girl in muddy brownpajamas. He came closer and shonehis light. Her blue eyes were wideopen; her breath came in shallowrasps. Wadlow swept her up and hurriedto the ambulance.Back down the road near the commandpost, an anguished Jerry Toopswas being tended in the other ambulancewhen word filtered in that they’d“found the baby and little girl.” Toopsthought that meant their bodies hadbeen found. Dreading the answer, heasked, “Are they alive?”“Yes,” came the reply.For the first time that night, JerryToops wept.The sun rose behind the mountains.Ten minutes later, he learned that Lisaand Tanner were also alive.The family members were gatheredlike pieces of driftwood and taken tothe local medical center. From there,they were transferred to CardinalGlennon Hospital in St. Louis. Allwere suffering from hypothermia andwere covered with cuts and bruises—except Tara, who survived without ascratch. Tanner was in the worstshape. An EMT described his conditionas “not compatible with life.” Butthe medical team kept working andafter almost two hours of CPR, he wasrevived. Tucker and Tara were hospitalizedfor six days, Tanner twoweeks. Everyone recovered.The Federal Energy RegulatoryCommission has investigated the incident.A report is due out this summer.The Shut-Ins park was devastated,but is being restored and will openagain for swimming and camping in2007. Jerry Toops has been promotedto assistant field supervisor for theOzarks District. He’s building a homenear Lebanon, Missouri—on a hillnowhere near a dam.THE CHURCH OF THEFUNNY ANECDOTEIt was a case of the old world running headlong intothe new. I was on the Internet paying a bill to ahospital, Our Lady of the Lake. The bank’s practiceof shortening the payee’s name and combining itwith the type of debit produced an interesting entry:“Our Lady of the Online Payment.” JOEY HAGMANPride trumps everything, according to this bumpersticker on a car that passed me by: “Proud Parent of anOur Lady of Humility Honor Student.” YOUNGIN CHOI129

RD Face to Face withUma Thurman

Umama!BY LAURA YORKEVery few of us get to fulfill the when-I-grow-up fantasiesof our childhood. Astronaut, pilot, cowgirl, firefighter—thosebaby ambitions usually pass away. UmaThurman is one of the lucky ones. As a girl, she wantedto be an actress. Her mother, who knew a thing or twoabout show business, told her to pick something morerealistic. But Uma held on—and held out. And by age16, she’d landed her first big-screen role.Thirty films and 20 years later, Thurman, 36, has realizedher career dream—and then some. In movieslike Gattaca, Pulp Fiction and The Avengers, ThurmanBRIGITTE LACOMBE131

RD I JULY 2006has wielded her talent and icy goodlooks to great effect. But her personallife of late has hardly been smooth.She’s still nursing the wounds fromher 2004 divorce from second husband,Ethan Hawke, who is rumoredto have been unfaithful while he wasaway on a film project. The couplehave two young children, Maya, 8, andLevon, 4. Thurman says her priority isher daughter and son now, so for thepast few years she has only chosenroles that allow her to shoot in NewYork, where the family lives.RD spent a late-day lunch talkingto Thurman on the eve of the releaseof her upcoming comedy, My SuperEx-Girlfriend. She talks to us about herlife, her work and her future.RD: How’s it going since the divorce?Thurman: Why am I still feeling this?Because it leaches out of you slowly.One always wishes it would be faster.Wouldn’t we all like to just have onebig, stupid cry like they do in themovies, and then it’s over?RD: What ways do you make your kidsfeel safe in the wake of the divorce?Thurman: First, do no harm. And thentry to build a positive outlook and asense of wholeness. They’re doingwell. They’re remarkable little people.Of course I think they’re stunning,extraordinary human beings.RD: Are you close to your parents andyour three brothers?Thurman: Oh, yeah. Very. They’regreat. It’s really wonderful. There are132so many ebbs and flows in life, butwhen you’re raising small children,your family means everything.RD: You have an interesting family.Thurman: But I had a very traditionalbackground as well. My parents areneat people. I’m lucky to have beenraised in the most beautiful place—Amherst, Massachusetts, state of myheart. I’m more patriotic to Massachusettsthan to almost any place.RD: Your mother was a model. Yourfather, a former Tibetan Buddhistmonk, teaches at Columbia University.Thurman: Because of him, I often getasked if I’m a Buddhist. I always say no,because I have such respect for therigor of being a practicing religiousperson. I’m an actress and mom, andI probably don’t have enough of an activespiritual life. And I don’t knowwhy people run around calling themselvesby the names of religions whenthey don’t actually practice them.RD: How did your mom influence you?Thurman: She’s a very strongly independentperson. She went off to makeher future at a really young age. Ataround 15, she went from Stockholm toEngland. Imagine that in about 1950.RD: She’s now a psychotherapist, right?Thurman: She never actually formallypracticed. She was a stay-at-homemom who raised four children withno help, which is a lot of work. Butshe went back to school in her early40s and got a degree.

EVAN AGOSTINI/GETTY IMAGESRD: You’re the beautifuldaughter of a model. Yetyou’ve said many timesthat you were uncomfortablewith your looks whenyou were younger.Thurman: My mother alwaysmade it very clear tome that, whatever youlook like now, you’re goingto look worse later. Don’tget too attached to yourbeauty because it’s notyours to keep. Don’t goaround thinking that it’ssome big bonus and thatyou can count on it. And Iwas not classically attractive.I’ve always been sortof an acquired taste.RD: Are you surprised thatyou stuck with your plan to become anactress?Thurman: It is a surprise. I rememberbeing, like, 10, and my mother askingme what I wanted to do. When I saidI want to be an actress, she said,“Everybody does. Say something else.You’ve been watching too much TV.”Today, it’s sort of disturbing when ateenager says she wants to be an actress.It is such an unlikely thing to beable to do—not because you can’t begood at it, but just because of what ittakes to survive: luck, talent, holdingyour head in a certain way, endurance.You have to be able to take insultsreally well. And how obnoxious willyou become if you are treated nicelyand receive flattery?Thurman celebrated with her parents, Nena andRobert, at The Producers premiere in 2005.RD: What’s it like being a singlemother, given your career?Thurman: I don’t get to stay homesick. My job is very unforgiving in thatregard. And I haven’t entirely figuredout how to deal with it. I’ve avoidedconflict by limiting my options. AndI’m really grateful that I found thingsI could do that were here in New York.RD: Tell us about your role in MySuper Ex-Girlfriend.Thurman: I play a woman who founda meteor as a child and gained superpowers.But all she wants to do is finda nice guy and settle down. Unfortunately,her own neuroses are so immensethat she suffocates anyone whocomes close to her—men run for the133

Thurman plays a woman scorned inMy Super Ex-Girlfriend, and pairswith John Travolta in Pulp Fiction andMatthew Broderick in The Producers.hills. Then she feels the loss and rejectionthat anybody naturally feels,but in her case she expresses it without-of-control rage. Super-rage.RD: Was it a fun role to play?Thurman: It was really fun to play acharacter who actually vents. So manywomen don’t vent. We are trained to begracious and hold our tongues. But thischaracter flips out and has full-on134tantrums. Think of a humiliating experienceyou’ve had, when all you didwas sit there quietly and suck it up.For years, every time you’d think ofit, you’d flinch. You ask, Why didn’t Ijust go bananas and take a baseball batand smash that person over the head?RD: You’ve taken on some very physicalroles. On the set of The Producers,I saw you slide across this desk …MYLES ARONOWITZ/TM AND ® 2006 REGENCY ENTERTAINMENT (USA), INC., ANDMONARCHY ENTERPRISES; MIRAMAX/BUENA VISTA/THE KOBAL COLLECTION; ANDREWSCHWARTZ/UNIVERSAL/COLUMBIA/THE KOBAL COLLECTION

U MAMA!Thurman: Over and over. One day Ihit my hip on the desk so hard I fell tothe ground. Once you hurt yourself,you begin to kind of preemptivelyprepare. Your judgment starts to gowild because your body’s afraid.RD: Just like in life.Thurman: Right. But we came backanother day, and I did one perfectmove. And that’s in the movie.RD: In one very memorable scene inKill Bill: Vol. 2, you were buried alive.Thurman: That was awful. It went onfor weeks. Many different sets werebuilt to create different moments ofit. Part of it was shot at night on location.Part of it was shot in studio.RD: How do you psych yourself up forthat kind of thing?Thurman: The purest relationship Ihave ever had, aside from with mychildren, is with my work. Whateveryou give it, it gives you back double.That’s an unusual kind of relationship.It’s thrilling to act. It’s thrilling to reachfor things and risk humiliation. It’staken me a long time to learn to acceptthe risks and just be willing totry it over and over again.RD: You once said you don’t take risks,that risks take you.Thurman: Life sweeps you up. Somepeople resist a lot. I probably haven’tresisted very much.RD: You’ve been at this for 20 years.Do you ever get tired of it?Thurman: I’ve always approachedwork as a worker. Whatever it takes—endurance, discipline, practice, repetition,courage, working through it—Ijust have always been willing to pullmyself up and try again. I’ve nevertaken success for granted.RD: That’s a great outlook.Thurman: Well, at the same time, theprice you pay for that attitude is thatyou don’t get to enjoy the highs. Therewill be some incredibly spectacularmoment and you wish to God youcould just celebrate it. But you can’t,because some other thing has justground you right down to the core.RD: You have said, “You play, you pay,”regarding celebrities and the press. Soif you’re famous, you’re fair game?Thurman: I think that you are game.There are many incredible privilegesthat go with being famous. Being beatup by the media is nothing comparedto, say, being beat up by your union ifyou’re a coal miner.RD: What kinds of things would youdo if you had a lot of spare time?Thurman: I love, love, love to travel, toexplore the world, but I never can. I’dlike to see more theater, go to moreshows. I’d try to get my French back.My list is literally as long as my leg.RD: Which is very, very long.Thurman: Uh-huh. And it’s written insmall print. ■Listen to more of the interview withUma Thurman at rd.com/uma.135

Mark and KarenCissel were alreadydown on their luck.That’s when theirtroubles reallystarted.

CHEATEDOUT OF HOUSE AND HOMEDon’t let these scams happen to youBY MAX ALEXANDERMark and karen cissel were afraidthey were going to lose their Wheaton,Maryland, home after Karen lost herjob. The couple missed four or fivemortgage payments in late 2003, andtheir bank had started foreclosureproceedings, a legal process that ispublic to anyone who cares to look upthe records.Soon, according to a civil complaint,two employees from Fresh Start Solutions,a Baltimore-based mortgagecompany, contacted the Cissels: Theyoffered to help refinance their home,settle the back payments and eventhrow in a $5,000 bonus check. “Theyseemed very nice,” says Karen.The Cissels signed all of the documents,and the men promised they’dmail their copies to them later. TheCissels never got those copies. Instead,they allegedly received a batchof very different legal documents—this time listing them as tenants in thehome they thought they still owned.The “landlord” was Vincent Abell,the leader of the real estate scheme,says the complaint, and he was seekingto evict the Cissels and their threechildren for nonpayment of rent. TheCissels are suing Abell and others,claiming the documents were forged,but a resolution could be a year away.“We were devastated,” says Karen.“We had over $80,000 equity in thehouse, and this guy took it away.”PROFILE OF AN EPIDEMICThe term mortgage fraud encompassesa grab bag of cons and tricks,perpetrated on victims ranging fromaverage homeowners to novice realestate investors to savvy bankers andthe banks they represent. It is, accord-PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRIS HARTLOVE 137

RD I JULY 2006ing to FBI Special Agent Ronda Heilig,“one of the fastest-growing whitecollarcrimes in the United States.”The scams are often complicated,but in essence, mortgage fraud involvesdeception to obtain either realestate loan money or the real estateitself, which is then typically soldquickly, or “flipped,” at substantialprofit. Often the con artists are mortgagebrokers, with title companies andappraisers in on the scam.Crooked real estate deals haveforced homeowners into bankruptcyand foreclosure. And lenders have lostbillions, costs they pass on to lawabidingcustomers. A study estimatedthat mortgage fraud in Utah accountsfor a quarter-point increase in mortgagerates across the board.SCAMS MADE EASYMortgage fraud has been around aslong as home loans, but recent trendshave made it easier—and far morelucrative—to game the system. Here’swhat’s driving the crime spree:Money Inflated housing prices areluring the bad guys.Technological Advances Inexpensivescanners and color printers makeforgery and identity theft a cinch.A Depersonalized ApplicationProcess Time was when mortgageswere approved by a local bank officerwho met with homeowners in person,applying common sense and professionaljudgment to loan decisions.Crooks stood out like a purple house.Today, lending companies approveloans using computer systems; as long138as the paperwork seems in order, it’shard to notice the bad apples.Inundated Loan Officers Mortgageapplications have surged in recentyears, forcing lending institutionsto hire hordes of new loan officers tohandle the workload. Consumer advocatescharge that some lenders havecut corners on due diligence to hastenapprovals.HOW DOES IT WORK?In a typical scenario, a scammer—let’s call him Joe—assumes a false orstolen identity to buy a $100,000 property.He puts 20 percent down and assumesan $80,000 mortgage. Joe thenforges documents to make it look asthough he’s taken out a building loanfor $50,000 to make renovations. Next,his appraiser, also a crook, values theproperty at $200,000, pointing to“comparable” sales in a nicer neighborhoodjust up the road. Now Joe canuse the home as collateral for a$150,000 consolidation loan; he paysoff the original $80,000 mortgage,keeps the remaining $70,000 and skipstown—defaulting on the loan andabandoning the house.Though mortgage-fraud abuses arecountless in variety, experts cite a fewbasic versions:The Rescue You Don’t Need Asalleged by the Cissels’ attorney in courtpapers, Vincent Abell, a convicted conartist, and his associates were operatinga “foreclosure rescue” scam. (Abelldeclined comment.) In rescue scams,crooks prey on vulnerable homeownersfacing foreclosure. They are usually

CHEATEDCathy Makley uncovered mortgagefraud in her Atlanta neighborhood.longtime residents who have built upsubstantial home equity, but who nowcan’t make their mortgage payment.“People facing foreclosure are desperatefor any way to avoid beingkicked out of their home,” says ManuelDuran, a Los Angeles attorney whohas represented 25 rescue fraudvictims. Rescue scammers promise away to avoid foreclosure and neverpack a moving box. Some say they’llhelp the homeowners catch up ontheir mortgage by refinancing. Othersoffer to pay off the mortgage and takepossession of the house until the originalowners can buy it back. But thosepromises are a house of cards.The scammers convince the desperatehomeowners to sign documentsthat look like refinancing applicationsPHOTOGRAPHED BY IMKE LASSor lease-to-buy agreements. Butthe forms actually grant thecrooks title to the house. (Thecriminals may also forge deedsto seize the title.) The scammers,who now own the property,sell it and pocket theoriginal homeowners’ equity.Rescue fraud is on the rise.In Minnesota, Assistant AttorneyGeneral Prentiss Cox saysabout one-fourth of the state’s2,500 foreclosed householdsevery year are victimized byrescue scammers. Some offerseminars in the technique—often pitched as get-rich-quickschemes, or no-money-downinvestment strategies. Two Nevadaseminars didn’t mince words, advertising“everything you need to knowto rip off homeowners.”A Deal You Can Refuse CharlotteHutchens, a Kansas City, Missouri,widow, and her daughter, Jamie,wanted to earn extra income to supplementCharlotte’s Social Securitypayments and Jamie’s modest salaryas an airport bus driver. A friend introducedthem to Jim Coleman, a CPA,who seemed eminently respectable:He handled accounting for the publicschool system and a church ministeredby his friend, Kansas City’s ex-mayor.According to a federal indictment,Coleman told the women they couldmake money investing in low-income,government-subsidized Section 8properties. For a small fee, he wouldmanage and maintain the properties;the rent checks would cover the139

RD I JULY 2006monthly mortgage payments plus asmall profit. Rent was dependable, hesaid, because the government providedthe approved tenants and coveredmost of the rent.Without advice of counsel (Missourilaw doesn’t require it), Charlotteand Jamie bought 11 properties—allwith no money down—totaling over$770,000 in loans. Their mortgage paymentsat their peak were about$10,000 a month.But the properties soon began failinginspections, which meant theycould no longer be rented to Section 8recipients. For a while, Coleman convincedthe women that the city’s nitpickinginspectors were to blame.Then the Hutchenses got a call fromFBI Agent Julia Jensen, who was investigatinga mortgage-fraud ring inKansas City. Jensen explained that theHutchenses had apparently boughtthe properties at inflated prices thatwere based on fraudulent appraisals.She showed the women their mortgageapplications. They were shockedto see documents that blatantly misrepresentedtheir finances. Charlotterecalled signing mortgage papers witha number of blanks; according to theindictment, Coleman and his accomplicehad falsified those documents,as well as W-2 forms, and profited tothe tune of $178,000.One by one, the homes went intoforeclosure. “I can’t even begin to describethe emotions, the stress,” saysJamie. “The mortgage companies werecalling us six or eight times a day tryingto collect.”Most of the properties were soldon the courthouse steps for muchless than the value of the mortgages.When buying or sellingKnow the area’s averagehome prices. Don’t justread the listings. Drivearound; look at properties;attend open houses.Hire a licensed homeinspector. Avoid anyoneaffiliated with your Realtoror mortgage broker.Go to nahi.org (NationalAssociation of HomeInspectors) for leads.Compare lenders’ mortgagecosts. Check withlocal banks and websites140AVOID BEING SCAMMEDlike bankrate.com.Review the ownershiphistory. If a home’s beenbought and sold frequentlyin the last few years, besuspicious. Even if it hasn’tbeen targeted by scammers,there might besomething wrong with it.Steer clear of mortgagebrokers or Realtors whotry to persuade you tofudge your loan application.And be wary of unsolicitedcontacts and highpressuresales tactics.At the closingDon’t sign a blankdocument, or one withblank spaces. If somethingdoesn’t apply, it shouldbe marked “N/A.”Make sure the name onyour paperwork matchesthe name on your ID.Don’t sign a documentuntil you’ve read andunderstood it.Never sign away thedeed to your propertywithout consulting alawyer.

CHEATEDOnce victims, Ann Fulmer (left) andAlicia Sheppard (below) helped arrestmore than 150 mortgage-fraud crooks.As a result, the mortgage companiesmay file suit against the womento recoup the difference.The pair sued Coleman in civilcourt and, on the advice of an attorney,reached an out-of-court settlementfor $25,000; Coleman paysthem $500 a month.Though indicted in criminal courtin April 2006, Coleman denies anyculpability. Says Charlotte, “My husbandworked forty years to save forretirement, and now I’m on the vergeof bankruptcy. It makes me angry thatI let myself be duped.”Your Neighborhood Goes BustCathy Makley and her family were delightedwith a new home they boughtin 2003 in the Wolf Creek development,a middle-class suburb near Atlanta.But Makley soon noticed thatsomething strange was happening.For-sale signs came and went, but thehomes remained vacant or occupiedby a series of unfriendly transients.PHOTOGRAPHED BY IMKE LASSFed up, Makley and her neighborsorganized a homeowners’ meeting inMay 2004. The night before, she receivedan anonymous phone call; thecaller explained mortgage fraudstershad targeted Wolf Creek. “I didn’tknow what mortgage fraud was,” shesays. “But as the caller explained it tome, I started to feel nauseated.”Makley checked the sale prices ofthe 30 or so homes in question. Eachhad sold for far more than her own—in some cases as much as $100,000more. “I started to understand whyour property tax valuations had shotup even as our neighborhood had deteriorated,”she says.141

RD I JULY 2006The scam was simple: Home sellerswould get a visit from a “real estatebroker.” He’d tell them he had abuyer ready to pay more than theirasking price, on the condition thatthey return the extra money at theclosing.The inflated sales prices pumpedup the “comps” throughout WolfCreek. This created a snowball effectthat allowed scammers to borrowmore than $300,000 on houses worthlittle more than $200,000. The crooksfled with the profits, and the bank foreclosedon the abandoned properties.FIGHTING BACKVictims usually have little legal recourse.States have limited resourcesto prosecute complicated, whitecollarcrime that is hard to prove.Many cases are too small for the FBIbut too intricate and costly to be wortha private lawyer’s time. “One of theworst things as a law enforcement official,”says Jensen of the FBI, “is to sitin people’s homes and see that they’redefinitely the victims of fraud and tellthem that the odds of the bad guybeing held accountable are slim.”Cathy Makley was shocked by lawenforcement’s ho-hum response to thefraud that was ruining her neighborhood.So she and two neighbors investigatedthe scam on their own.Their search led to attorney Ann Fulmerand her neighbor Alicia Sheppard,former mortgage-fraud victimsand co-founders of GREFPAC, theGeorgia Real Estate Fraud Prevention& Awareness Coalition (grefpac.org).They have helped arrest more than150 mortgage-fraud perpetrators.Fulmer worked with Makley to compileevidence against the Wolf Creekcon artists. In June 2005, state and localauthorities stormed 14 houses in WolfCreek and arrested two men, AnthonyFlood and Hardy Chukwu, on racketeeringcharges. Both deny any guilt,but indictments are pending.The grass-roots antifraud effort isgaining momentum, notching victoriesaround the country and persuadinglawmakers and law-enforcementagencies to join the fight. GREFPAC ledthe battle for Georgia’s anti-mortgagefraudlaw. With that law’s passage inMay 2005, the state became the first tomake any misrepresentation on amortgage application a prosecutablecrime. Congress is considering a federalanti-mortgage-fraud measure.Advocates applaud those steps, butsay much more needs to be done. “Andit’s going to take everybody,” says Fulmer,“from lenders to law enforcementto consumers, doing everything theycan to attack this problem. There’s nomagic bullet, but we’re moving in theright direction.”Additional reporting by NATE HARDCASTLEAND WHO DID YOU SAY YOU WERE?142The great thing about family life is that it introduces you to peopleyou would otherwise never meet. CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS in The Guardian

Stray From theHEARTJordie the cat came into our livesat just the right time I BY ALANNA NASHThere are moments in life when yourealize, without a doubt, that someone,somewhere, has a master plan. Iwas reminded of that recently byJordie, a cat, formerly my cat.In November 2004, while headedwith a friend to Nashville, I pulled offI-65 to get a Coke in the tiny town ofMunfordville, Kentucky. My friend,who has an eye for collectibles, spottedan old general store on the wayback to the freeway. She hopped out,but before going in the shop, croucheddown to look at something. Next thingyou know, she was standing by mydriver’s-side open window and haddropped a squirming blur of fur ontomy lap.It was a kitten, solid white, withgray-black eyes and a pink nose. Shewas irresistible, but she wasn’t mine.I opened the car door. “Okay, out,” Isaid in a loud voice. She didn’t budge.“Shoo!” I said, louder. No deal. Finally,PHOTOGRAPHED BY TAMARA REYNOLDS 143

RD I JULY 2006I picked her up and put her on theground, at which point she meanderedunder my car and sat just behind theleft rear tire.I scooped her up and took her intothe store, where I figured she belonged.I put her down and, in a flash,realized I’d made a terrible mistake.The kitten was not the shop cat, but abig, angry tom was, and it immediatelycornered the intruder with highpitchedwails of territorial rank.Suddenly the tom was on top of thenewcomer, and the two rolled aroundin a brutal assault. When it was over,hunks of white fur lay on the floor, andthe kitten, mewing pitifully, was rippedfrom the top of her head to her tail.Her wounds lay open in jagged rows.“Oh, my God,” I said. “We’ve got tofind a vet.”At the Riverside Animal Clinicdown the road, country doctor DonaldGreen shook his head upon examiningthe critter we’d brought to himin a cardboard box. “He pretty muchskinned it alive,” he said, and my heartsank. Would she live? I asked, to whichDr. Green replied, Yes, with surgeryto close up those wounds. But, headded, “she is all boy.”A boy!When I picked up my two-montholdkitten later that week, I couldhardly believe how pathetic he looked,shaved and stitched up like a feline144Frankenstein. Then it hit me. I didn’treally want a cat. I travel too much.All my furniture is leather. I didn’twant hair all over my clothes. But mymother, who is getting along in years,could certainly use a pet. Her belovedcat of 16 years had died the previousChristmas. She grieved so on the dayhe was laid in the frozen earth that Ifeared my father and I would have tobury them together.To my surprise, Mom refused myoffer to replace him. “I don’t want theheartache of losing another one.”It was too late when it hit me.I didn’t really want a cat.And so Jordie, named after the shinywhite Jordan Almonds I used to findin my Easter basket as a child, came tolive with me. He got stronger, his furgrew back in, and we began an uneasyalliance. Though he would fetch a rubberball—not just roll it with his paw,but actually bring it back to me like adog—he easily grew bored in mycondo. He’d stand at the door and cry.He clawed the furniture, broke a lamp.That summer, needing to take anextended trip, I asked my parents if Icould leave Jordie with them. My father,an 88-year-old property appraiserwho’d been suffering from colon cancer,was all for it, but Mom hesitated.“Okay, then,” she finally said, morethan a little annoyed. “Bring him on.”When I returned, I was saddenedto see that my hard-working dad hadlost some strength in his legs, the first

STRAY FROM THE HEARTtangible symptom of the cancer, whichhad spread to his bones. He was nowwalking with a cane, sometimes two.I cringed when I watched him climbthe stairs and saw Jordie nip at his ankleswith every step. “Pop,” I cried,“he’s going to trip you!”“No, he’s not,” my father said, alaugh in his voice. “We’ve got our littleroutine worked out. He’s fine.” Isaid I’d take Jordie back that evening,but Pop’s face grew stern. “Yourmother needs him,” he said. “He’sgood company for her. And she believeshe’s the smartest cat that everlived.” His eyes twinkled the way theyhadn’t since he learned about the cancer.He looked over at Jordie. “He’s alittle prize, I think.”So Jordie changed addresses thatvery night. The next evening, I stoppedby and found him lying on the kitchentable next to Pop’s cane. My fatherstroked the top of his head with hisindex finger, then moved him to hislap, where Jordie seemed as content asa clam. “Look at his eyelashes,” Popsaid, “how long they are.”No matter how sick my father was,he would always cuddle Jordie if hewanted to be held. But who was comfortingwhom?I was with pop at the hospital the nighthe died in July 2005, but I waited untildawn to drive to my parents’ house totell Mom. She crumpled in my arms,then went to the kitchen. “Jordie,” Iheard her say through wrenching sobs,“Papa’s never coming home again.”My parents, both Tennesseans, hadbeen married for nearly 60 years. Inthe weeks after my father’s passing,my mother sank into an inevitable depression,refusing offers of lunch andconversation. These days, she stilldoesn’t socialize much, but she is comingaround, largely because of Jordie.He gets her up and dressed early, andshe goes outside to look for him whenhe stays out too late. The neighborssee her and come over to talk. Andshe never misses taking him for hisvet appointments, and delights in buyinghim gourmet cat food.Nearly two years old now, Jordie hasgrown into a handsome young adult.His eyes have changed color to peridotgreen, and his snowy coat, whichshows no signs of his early trauma,gives him a sleek, masculine look.Mom dotes on Jordie’s every moveand brags about his newest trick.When he’s outside and wants to comein, she says, he stands on a bench, upon his hind legs, and pecks on thekitchen window with one paw. “He’slike a little person,” she insists. “Hejumps up on my lap and kisses me,and says ‘Mama’ just plain as day.”Jordie sleeps on the footstool near herbed, and Mom says she doesn’t knowwhat she’d do without him.Just as humans come into your lifefor a reason, animals often do thesame. Jordie arrived as an ambassador,not for me, but for my parents.He gave my father joy in his last days,and he continues to offer emotionalcomfort to my mother. Sometimes theleast expected gifts count most amongour blessings. ■145

SECRETSAND LIESTo claim his inheritance, he’d haveto reveal his true identityBY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAMADAPTED FROM “THE SENATOR AND THE SOCIALITE”“My grandfather was no darkie!”said the light-complexioned T. JohnMcKee from his hospital bed as herecuperated from a kidney ailment.It was spring 1948, and TheophilusJohn McKee, 67, felt desperate. He’dpracticed law on Wall Street for 40years. He’d sent his two sons to Yaleand Trinity College. His best friendswere influential people of the day—lawyers, judges. But the men in trenchcoats kept grilling him. “Are you aNegro?” asked one of them.McKee glanced out the second-floorwindow of Lenox Hill Hospital inManhattan. Hadn’t he lived an upstandinglife? Hadn’t he enduredenough pain when, years ago, he madeone of the most difficult decisions aman might ever have to make?Again: “Are you a Negro?”McKee blurted out, “I will not denyor affirm that.” But he was thinking,How can I answer honestly?For 45 years McKee had, in fact,been passing as a white man.On the surface it was easy, with hisolive skin tone and the black hair hekept short and straightened with a hotcomb. What was harder was theheartache. In 1902, when he was 22‘‘ILLUSTRATED BY EDEL RODRIGUEZ 147

RD I JULY 2006years old, he’d had to tell his closestblack friend from Exeter, RoscoeBruce, son of a U.S. Senator, that hecould no longer associate with him.The boys had been best friends forfive years, sharing everything, eventhe humiliation of not being able tolive in the same dorms as white kids.But fate had forced his hand, he felt.In April 1902, McKee—known then asTheophilus John Syphax, or Sie to hisfriends—lost his wealthy maternalgrandfather. He learned he’d inheritedalmost nothing. In an America justfour decades past the Civil War—a country where discrimination wasstill sanctioned—he knew he’d go nofurther than elevator operator or trainporter, even with his college education.He would be barred from shops,theaters, restaurants.So he’d decided to live as white.Now, lying in the hospital in 1948,he knew that if he admitted his realbackground, he’d lose everything. Butah, the complications! Even at age 67,McKee was afraid of being outed byblack relatives who’d been insulted byhis life choice. And for all his stature,McKee wasn’t wealthy. Here’s whythis mattered: McKee stood a chanceof inheriting the remainder of hisgrandfather’s million-dollar estate.Mckee’s parents, Douglas Syphax andAbbie McKee Syphax, were from wellknownblack families that wererespected by people of both races.Douglas had been one of the few blackCivil War sergeants, a member of anillustrious Virginia clan who hadowned acres of land in Arlington (laterdonated to the National Cemetery).And Abbie was the daughter of Col.John McKee, a black Civil War heroand one of America’s first black millionaires.He’d made his fortune in realestate and in catering businesses inthe 1870s and 1880s.TThe colonel had drawn up a willfor an estate worth approximately$1 million in 1902. At least half wascash; the rest was in real estate.When he died in April of that year,$200,000-plus was earmarked for variousrelatives, with Syphax receivingonly a pittance. Deciding to pass forwhite, Syphax had joined Trinity College’sall-white Delta Kappa Epsilonfraternity. He began dating white girls.He asked his family (who knew of hisdecision) to stop visiting him. A talentedathlete in football, baseball, basketballand track, Syphax, as white,was embraced by his teammates.After graduation, he entered BerkeleyDivinity School in Middletown,Connecticut. But when a ministerrecognized him as one of the blackSyphaxes from Philadelphia, he withdrew.In June 1904, Syphax legallychanged his name. As the white JohnMcKee, he applied to Columbia University’slaw school, starting in the fallof 1905. For the next 40 years, only oc-ADAPTED FROM “THE SENATOR AND THE SOCIALITE: THE TRUE STORY OF AMERICA’S FIRST BLACK DYNASTY,”COPYRIGHT © 2006 BY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAM, PUBLISHED AT $26.95BY HARPERCOLLINS PUBLISHERS, INC., 10 E. 53RD ST., NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10022148

COURTESY LAWRENCE OTIS GRAHAMWho was this mystery man? At Phillips Exeter Academy, 17-year-old John McKee(a.k.a. T. John Syphax) sits in the front row (circled), with fellow football players.casionally did he meet with one of hisfour brothers in out-of-the-way spots.After law school, McKee beganworking as a commercial attorney onWall Street. He married Anna LoisDixon, a white woman from upstateNew York. They settled in New YorkCity and had two sons—T. JohnMcKee, Jr., and Douglas Dixon McKee,in 1910 and 1911. McKee joined the BensonhurstYacht Club, the Kings CountyTennis Club and became men’s leaguepresident at the Church of St. Mark.Then his marriage began fallingapart. His wife, knowing nothing ofhis real background, noticed that hewas unusually fastidious about groominghis hair. And after their secondson was born, he began visiting a newclient up in Harlem, a place where fewwhites traveled then. (In actuality,McKee was meeting one of his brothers.)When the couple separated,McKee stayed in Manhattan, whileAnna and the two boys moved to herhometown.When McKee’s mother, Abbie Syphax,passed away and was buried inArlington National Cemetery in 1923—a rare honor for a black then—McKeeavoided the funeral. He also avoidedthe funerals of his brothers, who allpredeceased him. He carefully steeredclear of his black cousin in Philadelphiawho founded the city’s first blackhospital, and his prominent relatives inWashington and Virginia who latergave land to the government whenPresident Franklin Roosevelt wantedto expand Arlington Cemetery. McKeediligently clung to the white uppermiddle-classlife he’d created.Eventually McKee remarried, againto a white woman, Aimee Bennett.She, too, knew nothing of his background.By now McKee lived in an149

RD I JULY 2006apartment building on Manhattan’sEast Side. When his sons finishedcollege they returned to upstate NewYork to be near their mother.In 1946, McKee’s first cousin, Dr.Henry McKee Minton, passed away.That meant McKee was now the lastsurviving grandchild of the Syphax-McKee dynasty from Philadelphia.Then came the shocker. A fewmonths before he was hospitalized,McKee learned that his grandfather’smillion-dollar estate had not beenfully distributed. The Roman CatholicArchdiocese of Philadelphia ran anad stating that there was a sum ofmore than $800,000 available (nearly$6.3 million today). That money wouldgo to charity unless there was a survivinggrandchild of “the great NegroCivil War hero” Col. John McKee.For weeks McKee struggled. Shouldhe stay silent and turn his back on hisinheritance? Or should he come forward?Doing that, of course, wouldmean admitting he’d been living a lie.Finally, McKee decided. Few peopleknew the emotional burdens he’dbeen carrying for so long. His firstwife had left him. His sons seemeduncomfortable around him. His onlyremaining connection with them wasthe money he sent. Now money—andthe truth—was dangling over him.150“So are you, in fact, a Negro?” askedthe investigator from the Orphans’Court of Philadelphia as he stood inMcKee’s hospital room. The storysoon broke. A successful white WallStreet lawyer with prestigious credentialswas admitting he was, in fact, theblack child of black parents. It was amajor society news item in 1948.McKee’s wife, Aimee, was so devastatedshe refused to visit him in thehospital. McKee’s sons also stayedaway. His law partners and neighborstold the newspapers they had no ideahe’d been passing as white.BBut the court and the will’s executor,the Philadelphia archbishop, weren’tsatisfied with McKee’s simple admissionof heritage. They wanted proof.“People will say a lot when they wantthat much money,” argued one ofMcKee’s black relatives. From his hospitalbed, McKee kept up the fight forhis inheritance. He called on the fewblack relatives he could remember.They refused him.Finally, one of his mother’s cousins,Camille Johnson of Philadelphia, cameforward. She acknowledged that, yes,she remembered him when he was ablack student in Philadelphia and atExeter. McKee also convinced a whiteTrinity classmate to support his statementthat he’d changed his name fromSyphax to McKee after leaving Trinity.The court decree in support of thename change was also submitted.The court appointed a commission,which interviewed witnesses whoknew both the “black Syphax” and the“white McKee.” It was John Syphax-McKee’s longtime white friend EdgarDibble (a fraternity brother), and hisblack cousin Camille Johnson, whohelped prove kinship. At the hearing,Johnson said that McKee had stopped

SECRETS AND LIEScommunicating with her and withanother cousin, Henry McKee Minton,while at Trinity. Dibble admitted heand others were uncertain of McKee’srace as a college freshman, but assumedhe was white.As reported on March 25, 1948, inthe New York Post, the commissiontold McKee it “established beyond ashadow of a doubt” that although hehad been accepted as a white man for45 years, he was indeed the Negrograndson of the Negro Civil War veteranCol. John McKee.Syphax-mckee relatives in Philadelphiaand Washington registered theirobjections and their beliefs that theywere more deserving of the fortune.At least a dozen schools and charitiesasked to share in the estate. McKeehoped it would be only a few monthsbefore he’d finally claim his grandfather’swealth, so he made no attemptto reach out to anyone. Still recoveringfrom his kidney ailment, he quietlycelebrated his victory.Then came the final twist. As thecourt approached resolution of the$800,000 estate, McKee’s health tooka turn for the worse. That summer,McKee learned he would likely notlive very long. On August 4, 1948, hedied of heart failure.There was no funeral. McKee wascremated.For the next several years, black relativesbattled with McKee’s white wifeand two white sons. Ultimately, themoney was awarded to the CatholicArchdiocese of Philadelphia. Since1956, the fortune has been used togrant college and vocational scholarshipsto Philadelphia-area boys of allraces who have no living father. InApril 2006, the program gave out itsscholarship for the 50th year. Its name?The John McKee Scholarship Fund.It’s not named for the John McKeewho lived as a white man for 45 years.Instead, the fund isnamed in honor ofhis grandfather, theJohn McKee whowas a black CivilWar hero.To buy a copy of The Senator and theSocialite, go to rd.com/senator.DON’T WORRY, I’M IN CONTROLBefore he left on a business trip, mybrother-in-law Lex took his young sonCameron aside.“Cam,” he said, “I’m trusting you to takecare of the family. You’ll be the man ofthe house.”Comprehending the gravity of the situation,Cameron said, “In that case, I’mgoing to need the remote.” AMY CANTERBERRY151

®LAUGHTER, THE BEST MEDICINEIf a golfer gets hurtand can’t play, is his replacementcalled a designateddriver? GREGG SIEGELWhy is Cinderella bad at sports?Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and sheruns away from the ball. Submitted by SEAN MCELWEELost in the desert forthree days, a mansuddenly hears, “Mush!”Looking up, he seeswhat he thinks is amirage: an Eskimo on asled, driving a team ofhuskies. To his surprise,the sled comes to a stop152at his feet seconds later.“I don’t know whyyou’re here, but thankgoodness,” the man says.“I’ve been lost for days.”Panting, the Eskimoreplies, “You thinkyou’re lost?”Submitted by ROBERT LUTZI used to drive an eclipse. I think it was a nice car,but I couldn’t look directly at it.BUZZ NUTLEYQuack Me UpFunnyA rabbit and aduck went out todinner. Who paid?The duck—hehad the bill.FunnierA duck walksinto a bar. “Wedon’t serve ducks,here,” says thebartender.“That’s okay. Ijust want a drink.”FunniestWhat’s the differencebetween aduck with onewing and a duckwith two wings?Why, that’s adifference of apinion.ILLUSTRATION BY DAN REYNOLDS

The gunslinger swaggeredinto the saloon.He looked to hisleft. “Everybody on thatside of the room is a lilylivered,yellow-belliedcoward,” he shouted.He looked to his right.“Everybody on this sideis a flabby, dimwittedsaddle tramp.” No onedared challenge him.Satisfied, he wasordering his drink at thebar when he heardthe sound of hurriedfootsteps.“Where do you thinkyou’re going?” he yelledat the little guy who’dstopped in his tracks.“Sorry,” the man said.“I was on the wrong sideof the room.”Submitted by GEORGE MORRISThe korean scientistwho admitted to fakinghis cloning-researchresults is now sayingthat it wasn’t his fault.He blames his evil twin.JAY LENO onThe Tonight Show (NBC)Looking for morelaughs? XM SatelliteRadio’s Laugh USA channelfeatures clean comedy24/7—all screened for familylistening. Wanna hear? Tunein to xmradio.com.Alabama state troopers were closing in ona speeding car when it crossed into Georgia. Suddenlythe officer behind the wheel slowed to a stop.“What are you doing?” his partner asked. “Wealmost had him!”“He just crossed over into the Eastern StandardTime zone,” he said. “Now he’s a full hour aheadof us.”Submitted by SCOTTIE BARRON“A hamburger and fries,” a man orders.“Me too,” says the ostrich sitting beside him.“That’s $9.40,” the waitress says. The man reachesinto his pocket and hands her the exact change.They return the next day. Both order a steak andpotato, and again the man pays with exact change.“How do you do that?” the waitress asks.“A genie granted me two wishes,” explains theman. “My first was that I’d always have the rightamount of money to pay for anything.”“Brilliant! But what’s with the ostrich?”“My second wish was for an exotic chick with longlegs who agrees with everything I say.”Finish This JokeSubmitted by EDWARD M. JEANA woman is in an upscale pet-supply store, searchingfor the perfect red sweater for her dog.“Why don’t you bring him in so you can get theright fit?” the clerk suggests.“I can’t do that!” the woman says …Don’t leave us hanging—what did she say?E-mail your funniest original punch line to us atcomedy@rd.com, subject: July, and if it’s the best(and the first of its kind), you’ll win fame and riches.Well, not really, but you’ll get a cool $100.So what did the cop have to say to his stomach?May’s winning punch line is from A.J. Giordano ofRiverview, Florida: Nothing. He’s always been one tolisten to his gut.153

No Pain,How to keep your aching back or

ied about becoming dependent onthem.” So in January 2000, when shewas 23, doctors tried a different typeof injection, meant to destroy thenerves that caused her discomfort. Butit backfired. She hurt worse than ever.Millions of Americans live withchronic pain. And while some arehelped with medication and othertreatments, many continue to suffer.Doctors told Voigt that her painwouldn’t go away and she must learnhow to control it. “I was shocked, andvery angry. I didn’t understand whythey couldn’t fix a simple pain froman amputation.” Later that year, shesigned up for a pain rehabilitation programat Mayo Clinic in Rochester,Minnesota. “Right away they said theyweren’t going to give me a drug tomake it go away, but they would teachme how to manage the chronic pain.”And they did. She learned to con-No Pillstrick knee from ruining your lifeADAPTED FROM “MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN,” SECOND EDITIONWhen Darcie Voigtwas 6 years old, alawn mower accidenttook all thetoes on her leftfoot, along withthe fatty cushion on the bottom of theforefoot, which normally acts as ashock absorber. The young girl fromMantorville, Minnesota, learned towalk again—but pain was a constantpresence in her life.By her early 20s, Voigt noted thatthe damaged nerves in her foot hurt allthe time, even while she slept. Injectionsof anesthetics and corticosteroidsnumbed the pain temporarily, soshe tried other medications, includingopioids, but she wasn’t satisfiedwith the effects. “The drugs broughtthe pain down from the over-the-top,pulling-your-hair-out level, but theymade me feel cloudy, and I was wor-PHOTO-ILLUSTRATION BY ANN ELLIOTT CUTTING 155

RD I JULY 2006trol her pain by usingstress reduction, timemanagement and biofeedback.She identifiedtraits, such as her perfectionism,that made hercondition more difficultto handle.She learned the importanceof a healthy diet forincreasing energy, andshe began using biofeedbackand breathing exercisesto reduce stress. It’shad a huge effect: “I used to clench myjaw a lot, and I could feel the tensionthroughout my body. Now I close myeyes, concentrate on relaxing my muscles,and breathe in and out deeply.”Voigt does this often, at least four to sixtimes an hour, every day.Before, Voigt rated her pain as a 10on a 1-10 scale. These days, it’s a 4. TheToday, Darcie Voigt hasher pain under control.only drug she takes isTylenol. “I realized thatthe pain wasn’t going togo away, so I’ve figuredout what I need to do tomake my life as full as Ican. It’s about listening tohow my body reacts andslowing myself down.”Now 29 years old, she’smarried and an avidrodeo competitor.Changing her reactionsto stress helpedVoigt conquer her pain. It could workfor you too. Here, more natural waysyou can get some much-needed relief.A Sharp ApproachAcupuncture is one of the moststudied unconventional medical practices,and it’s gaining acceptance inWestern medicine for treatment ofCOURTESY OF MAYO CLINICADAPTED FROM “MAYO CLINIC ON CHRONIC PAIN,” SECOND EDITION, COPYRIGHT © 2002 MAYO FOUNDATIONFOR MEDICAL EDUCATION AND RESEARCH, PUBLISHED BY MAYO CLINIC HEALTH INFORMATION.ADDITIONAL MATERIAL FROM MAYOCLINIC.COM.Can Food Ease the Ache?Milk and cookies, chicken noodlesoup, mashed potatoes withgravy—they’re called comfortfoods because they make you feel better,at least emotionally. But can food reallyease pain? Researchers are chewing onthe subject, and their findings maysomeday make for a tasty prescription.“We’re not at the point where you’regoing to go into a physician’s office andbe prescribed tofu for your pain,” saysJill Tall, PhD, a professor at YoungstownState University in Ohio, who has studiedhow food helps relieve discomfort. “But Ido believe that as an adjunct to traditionaltherapies, there are some possibilities.”Some promising edible antidotes:Cherries Anthocyanins, which give tartcherries their deep red color, have antiinflammatoryproperties similar to thosein aspirin, says Muraleedharan Nair, PhD,a food-safety researcher at MichiganState University. The benefit hasn’t yetbeen studied in humans, so we don’tknow the optimal doses, but barring anyhealth problems, such as diabetes or

NO PAIN, NO PILLSsome conditions. Researchers at theNational Institutes of Health (NIH)say there is evidence the practicehelps relieve postoperative dental painand it’s also useful in treating nauseaafter surgery and chemotherapy. Inaddition, acupuncture may help withstroke rehabilitation, headache, addiction,menstrual cramps, tenniselbow, myofascial pain, osteoarthritis,low-back pain, carpal tunnel syndromeand asthma.Move a MuscleExercise is key when it comes toeasing pain. Why? It prompts yourbody to release endorphins, whichblock pain signals from reaching yourbrain. These feel-good chemicals alsohelp alleviate depression and anxiety,both of which make chronic pain moredifficult to control. Regular exercisepromotes weight loss, which in turncan relieve pain by reducing stress onyour joints. Similarly, as you improveflexibility, you’ll find that joints extendingthrough their full range of motionare less likely to be plagued withaches and pains. Plus, you’ll have moreenergy, sleep better and decrease yourrisk of high blood pressure, diabetesand stroke.High-Tech RelaxationDuring a biofeedback session, atherapist applies electrodes and othersensors to various parts of your body.The sensors are hooked up to devicesthat monitor and give you feedbackon body functions, including muscletension, brain-wave activity, respiration,heart rate, blood pressure andtemperature. Once the electrodes arein place, the therapist uses relaxationtechniques to calm you, reducing muscletension and slowing your heartrate and breathing. You then learnhow to produce these changes yourself,outside the clinical setting. Thegoal? To help you enter a relaxed stateacid indigestion, why not pick a fewberries this summer? (Raspberries and,to a lesser extent, strawberries also containpain-fighting anthocyanins.)Soy It may help relieve some osteoarthritispain. In a study of 135 men andwomen, those who took 40 grams of soyprotein a day for three months improvedtheir range of motion and reported feweraches. Men saw the most benefit. It’s stillnot clear exactly how soy helps, but theisoflavones are thought to have antiinflammatoryeffects, says Srinivasa N.Raja, MD, a pain-management specialistat Johns Hopkins University School ofMedicine. Caveat: You’d have to eat aridiculous amount of edamame to reach40 grams a day, so try adding soy proteinpowder to shakes.Sugar The sweet stuff can reduce theperception of pain, especially in children.Studies show when we consume sugar—sucrose, better known as table sugar, inparticular—we hurt less. It seems toenhance our body’s natural pain-reliefsystem. But we all know the unhealthyeffects of too much sugar, including anexpanding waistline, so make sure youdon’t overindulge with this tastysweetener.PATRICIA CURTIS157

RD I JULY 2006in which you can better cope withpain. It seems to be most effective fortension headaches, migraines and painrelated to muscle tension.A Better BackChiropractic care is one of the mostcommon complementary therapies inthis country. Today, chiropractorsoften work with medical doctors aspart of the treatment team. Thoughthey can’t prescribe drugs or performsurgery, they may use some standardmedical procedures. And their servicesare increasingly being covered byinsurance. Studies indicate that spinalmanipulation can effectively treat uncomplicatedlow-back pain, especiallyif the pain has been present for lessthan a month. Some practitioners saychiropractic manipulation can treatdisease other than musculoskeletalproblems; however, more research isneeded to support this.Before You Try It ...These approaches appearto reduce pain safely. Butmany alternative practiceshaven’t been adequatelystudied. What to considerbefore trying any potentialpain relievers:Do your research Tokeep up with the latesttreatments online, stick towebsites of reputablemedical centers, nationalorganizations, universitiesor government agencies.158Ask for credentialsLook to professionalassociations, such as theAmerican Academy ofMedical Acupuncture, forthe names of licensedpractitioners in your area.Consider the cost Manyalternative approachesaren’t covered by insurance.Find out exactly howmuch treatment will costbefore you start.Open your mind Steer aRetrain Your BrainIt’s been around forever, but recentlyhypnosis has seen a resurgenceamong physicians, psychologists andother mental-health professionals. Wedon’t know exactly how it works, butexperts believe hypnosis alters yourbrain-wave patterns in much the sameway other relaxation techniques do.A review of studies supported thevalue of hypnosis for treatingcancer pain and nausea, and NIH researchersagree that hypnosis can helpwith other conditions—such as irritablebowel syndrome and tensionheadaches—that can lead to pain.Lessen the StressAs Voigt learned, reducing stress,however you do it, can make a hugedifference in relieving physical discomfort.Try massage, meditation,yoga or whatever works for you. Deepmiddle course betweenuncritical acceptance ofalternative approachesand outright rejection. Beopen to treatments, butevaluate them carefully.Mix it up Use alternativetreatments to relieve somesymptoms, but don’t giveup on conventional medicine.And don’t forget totell your doctor about allthe treatments you get.MAYO CLINIC

eathing from your diaphragm,as opposed to yourchest, is a do-anywhere destressor.Try to do it for 20minutes every day. To practice,lie down or sit comfortablywith your feet flat onthe floor. Rest one hand onyour abdomen, one on yourchest. Inhale through yournose while pushing your abdomenout. Slowly exhalethrough your nose whilegently relaxing your abdomen.(If you can’t breathethrough your nose, do itthrough your mouth.) Makeeach breath a wavelike motion.And if your mind wanders,bring your attentionback to relaxation.The Sex SolutionWhen pain invades your life, youcan still have a healthy sexual relationship.It begins with communication,so talk to your partner about how youVirtual ReliefIt’s easy to tune out the rest of the world whenyou’re playing a video game. Now researchersare discovering that entering such an intenseplay zone is an effective way to cope with pain.In a study at Wheeling Jesuit University inWest Virginia, 27 people played video games forten minutes, each keeping one hand and forearmin a container of freezing water. Those playingsports and fighting games kept their hands submergedfor a minute and a half longer than thoseplaying puzzle and arcade games.How does it help? It’s all about distraction, saysstudy author Bryan Raudenbush, PhD, a professorof psychology. “The games distract you fromthe pain. Your brain focuses more attention onthe video game, and less on the pain.” And sportsand fighting games are especially beneficial,since they require a greater level of concentrationthan slower-paced challenges. CYNTHIA DERMODYfeel and what you need. Be creative,and willing to make changes (buy anew mattress or bed if pain has forcedyou to sleep apart, and explore newways to express your sexuality).Do people who walk on hot coalsreally feel no pain? Find out at rd.com/nopills.PASS THE NO-DOZRecently, our pastor fell asleep at the wheeland awoke just as he sideswiped aguardrail. When he got home, his wifepeppered him with questions, trying tofigure out what had happened.“Were you sleepy when you started todrive?” she asked.“No,” he answered.“Then how did you fall asleep?”“I’m not sure,” he said. “There I was, going over my sermon …”MARGARET MCGLAUN159

Ben and JohnSilverwood, usinghis new bionic leg, hikenear their Encinitas,California, home.162CREDIT GOES HERE

BONUS READA family’s dream tripturns into a nightmareBY KENNETH MILLERPHOTOGRAPHED BY TIM TADDER

In French Polynesia, winter runs from May through October; thedays are balmy, but night falls as abruptly as a trap. Just before 7 p.m.on June 25, 2005, a sailing vessel sliced through the westernmost watersof the archipelago, beneath a black and moonless sky. The EmeraldJane had left Raiatea the day before; she was headed for Tonga, 1,400nautical miles away, guided by autopilot. The 55-foot catamaran wassleek and elegant, with five cabins tucked into twin hulls and a spaciousliving area suspended in between. In the cockpit, 16-year-old BenSilverwood was finishing his watch. In the salon, his younger siblings—Amelia,14, Jack, 9, and Camille, 5—had just popped Drop DeadGorgeous into the DVD player. The children’s parents, John, 53, and Jean,46, lounged in their stateroom, discussing the next day’s travel plans.Then they heard it: an insistent scraping, like fingernails along the bottomof a cardboard box. The Emerald Jane had carried the family halfwayaround the world, on a journey that John, a San Diego real estate developer,had dreamed of for two decades. The Silverwoods were well-versedin their craft’s vocabulary of creaks, pings and groans. But this was somethingdifferent. It was the sound of disaster.John and Jean were already sprinting up the three steps to the cockpit whenBen cried, “Reef!” An instant later, the hulls rammed into the coral. Aswater poured through a gash in the starboard bow, house-size waves begancrashing down on the pinioned boat. John jammed the engines into reverse,to no avail. He ran to the foredeck, where Ben was trying to loosen theGenoa sail, which was driving the craft farther onto the reef. Ben threw hisfather a knife so John could slash through the canvas. At that moment, awave slammed into the Emerald Jane’s 14-foot dinghy, ripping it from itsstainless-steel hooks and sweeping it away.The family had practiced emergency procedures, but the emergencythey’d imagined was a storm; running aground had seemed unthinkable.Now the unthinkable was upon them.In the salon, Camille and Jack were sobbing. As their older sister stroveto comfort them, Jack kept screaming, “I don’t want to die!” Jean tried thesatellite phone but couldn’t get a signal; her hands were shaking so badlythat she dropped it on the flooded floor. John grabbed the main radio.“Mayday, Mayday, Mayday,” he shouted. “This is the Emerald Jane. We aresinking.” Ben called out more Maydays over the shorter-range VHF rig.164

The Emerald Jane took the familyto French Polynesia in August 2004.At left, Jean takes the wheel asthe kids dine in the cockpit.COURTESY SILVERWOOD FAMILYFinally, John threw theswitch on the EPIRB (emergencyposition-indicatingradio beacon)—a deviceresembling a milk-shakecup, with an antenna for a straw, which is designed to alert emergencycrews by bouncing a radio beam off a satellite. The beacon can be pickedup only by U.S. facilities, however, and none was near enough to help. Theclosest search-and-rescue team operated from a French naval base in Papeete,Tahiti, 310 miles away. They weren’t responding.John and Ben raced back to the foredeck and pulled the cord on the inflatablelife raft. Then they faced a dilemma: If they threw the raft over theside, it might be shredded by the sharp coral. Instead, they decided to lashit to the deck and wait until they had no other option. Before they finished,the lights shorted out. Ben took a couple of glow sticks that he’d snatchedfrom the supply cabinet, and they went to check on the family. The salonwas knee-deep in water. As Jean and Amelia carried the younger childrenout to the cockpit, John and Ben headed back toward the raft.By then, both bows were breaking off, and as John reached the foredeck,165

RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006the 79-foot mast gave way. Suddenly, he was lying on his back beneath morethan a ton of aluminum. A thunderbolt of pain shot up his left leg. Whenhe struggled to a sitting position and peered over the mast, he saw that ametal fitting called a spreader had chopped through his shin like a cleaver;his lower leg was dangling by a tendon. It’s gone, he thought, and lay backdown. He was pinned to the deck of a disintegrating boat. He could not helphis family. If he didn’t drown first, he knew, his wound would surely kill him.John Silverwood was a ninth-grader in suburban Philadelphia whena schoolmate’s family took him sailing for the first time. He never recovered.One of four sons of an industrial engineer, John was a smart, headstrong andrestless boy, and the sport fulfilled his deepest cravings—for freedom, forindependence, for physical and mental challenges. In college at Colgate, hetook two years off to sail a battered yawl from Marblehead, Massachusetts,to the Caribbean and back. After graduating, he worked construction; hespent his spare time assembling a trimaran in a barn, then piloted it to theBahamas. Hired as a project manager for a builder in St. Thomas, he cruisedthe Virgin Islands in the 30-foot Dufour Arpège.Along the way he met Jean, a striking blonde from Pleasantville, NewYork, who was crewing in St. Croix. Like John, she’d grown up in a big, upwardlymobile Catholic family, where hard work and strenuous fun wereequally prized. She’d spent summers camping in the Adirondacks and sailingin the waters off the Hamptons. She was earthy and unpretentious; herwry reserve made a nice foil for John’s excitability. They married in 1986at a yacht club on Long Island.The couple settled in San Diego, where John joined a real estate developmentfirm owned by his younger brothers. He set his sights on an ambitiousgoal: to start a family, save his money and—someday—spend a yearor so at sea with the people he loved most. Jean embraced the dream butinsisted that they first attend to practicalities. Early on, there was too littlecash; then new babies kept arriving. But John eventually started his ownbusiness, and as he entered his 50s, the timing seemed right. The housingboom had made him wealthy. Ben would soon be in high school, and if theywaited too long, he’d be tied down with college applications. “It’s now ornever,” John told his wife.In February 2003, they found their dream boat in Miami: the Emerald166

RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006Wave, a French-built Lagoon 55, offered by its owner at a modest $400,000(comparable models cost $1 million when new). The catamaran seemedideal in terms of safety as well as comfort. Unlike a single-hulled vessel, itwould sail flat and smooth under most conditions; it would be tough tocapsize even in the fiercest storm. Its hulls were made of Kevlar, the materialused in bulletproof vests. It had a bathroom for each cabin, there wasa gourmet kitchen, and the dining table seated eight.The couple rechristened the boat the Emerald Jane after Jean’s late mother.Then John began retrofitting it to make it even safer. He installed childproofnetting around the perimeter. He bought a top-of-the-line life raft.He stuffed a cupboard with splints, syringes and medications. And at Jean’surging, he bought a state-of-the-art EPIRB, capable of broadcasting a vessel’sposition to within 300 feet.That July, John sailed the Emerald Jane from Florida to Long Island. Thefamily flew out to meet him, and spent a month near Jean’s sister inMamaroneck, New York, getting used to life on-board. In September, theyheaded down the coast, spending a month each moored in Baltimore,Maryland, and Norfolk, Virginia.John and Jean were looking for more out of the trip than an extended vacation.They wanted to get to know their children in a way few modernparents ever do. They wanted to escape the routines of affluent suburbia:Dad’s long workdays; Mom’s shuffle between supermarket and tennis cluband carpool; the kids’ round of school, sports, lessons and play dates; theSaturdays at the mall. They wanted everyone to spend less time focusedon video screens—“to be immersed in nature,” as John put it, “instead of virtualreality.”The younger kids quickly adjusted to life on the catamaran. For theteenagers, though, the transition was harder. Both missed their social life.Amelia, a serious dancer, pined for her ballet classes. Ben—a big-boned,athletic boy who hoped one day to become a military officer—had inheritedhis father’s lust for freedom and hard challenges, but this outing seemedto offer little of either. His idea of excitement was a Boy Scout survival trekin New Mexico, where he once hauled an 85-pound pack up 10,000-footpeaks. He yearned for his surf team competitions, paintball matches andXbox tournaments.Jean had enrolled Jack and Amelia in a homeschooling program run by168

SHIPWRECKEDthe San Diego school system, and Ben in a private program for high schoolstudents. Even preschooler Camille had lessons. Every weekday, the pupilswere at their desks from 8 a.m. to noon, doing work that was supervised viae-mail by teachers hundreds of miles away. After that, their activities mightconsist of chores, meals and a James Bond DVD. “I’m bored” was a frequentrefrain, especially during days at sea or in a nondescript port. Sometimesthe surfeit of togetherness set everyone to squabbling.As the weeks passed, however, the kids flourished. Helping out with nauticaltasks—docking the boat, keeping the log, manning the radios—they developeda growing sense of teamwork. Amelia became an expert baker, Jacka budding marine biologist, eager to identify every creature he saw. Benread more books than he’d ever thought possible. Their solitude was easedby encounters with peers on other boats, and by occasional visits from relativesand old friends.And from Bermuda onward, the adventures came thick and fast. TheThey surfed Tahiti’s waves, took innative dance, swam with an octopus.Silverwoods snorkeled each morning before breakfast, amid bright blizzardsof tropical fish. At night, John lay on the deck with the kids and showedthem the constellations. The family took scuba-diving lessons in St. Thomas.They sailed through the Panama Canal. In Ecuador, they explored Incaruins and trekked through Andean villages where guinea pigs were a staplefood. In the Galápagos, they frolicked with giant tortoises and rodehorseback up a volcano.Eventually, they braved the 3,000-mile passage to the Marquesas and thenon to the rest of French Polynesia. There, the generator broke, and they lingeredin the islands while awaiting repairs. Ben surfed Tahiti’s legendarywaves, Amelia took in native dance performances, and in the TuamotusJack swam with a wild octopus on his back. In December 2004, the familyflew to New Zealand, where they spent three weeks exploring the rainforests and fjords.Shortly after New Year’s, they docked the Emerald Jane in Raiatea andheaded back to San Diego to wait out cyclone season. Everyone was thrilledto return to the luxuries they had left behind, but the novelty soon paled.169

RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006The following June, when school was out, they took up where they had leftoff. The plan was to head for Tonga, Fiji, and finally Australia; in August, theywould put the boat up for sale and return home.The catamaran left Raiatea at 3 p.m. on Friday, June 24. Around 5 p.m.the next day, one of the pins attaching the boom to the mast came loose. Johnfurled the mainsail, and spent an hour and a half trying to solve the problem.As darkness fell, he decided to finish in the morning. He switched onthe starboard engine to supplement the Genoa sail at the bow.About 200 miles west of Raiatea lies a tiny atoll called Manuae, which trailsJohn alternated between acceptanceand denial of his impending death.a reef like a comet’s tail. John had planned to round it by daylight, but nowthat was impossible. Stopping was not an option; the ocean in these partsis two miles deep, offering no anchorage. Charts of the area are not alwaysreliable, but he had studied the route carefully. He set the autopilot on acourse that allowed seven miles of clearance, then headed to the stateroomto talk to Jean, leaving the younger kids in front of the TV and Ben on watchin the cockpit.Jean was at the stern with the children when the mast toppled ontoher husband. She screamed, then stood frozen with terror on the pitchingdeck. The mast had knocked Ben down as well, leaving a gash on his crewcuthead. Now he stood over his father. “I’m here, Dad,” he said, his eyes betrayingeverything that his calm voice concealed.“Bring me some of that 3 ⁄8-inch utility line,” John gasped, and Ben ran tograb it from a cabinet. John wrapped a strand of rope about his knee, twistingthe ends to form a crude tourniquet. The foot-wide mast lay acrosshis mangled lower leg, grinding into it with every movement of the boat.The craft had pivoted since hitting the reef, so the foredeck took the bruntof the waves. Each time a breaker crashed over him, he lost his grip—andmore blood.Jean scrambled to his side and knelt there, stroking his face. “It’s going tobe all right,” she repeated softly, as if hoping to hypnotize them both into believingit. Then she gathered herself. The life raft, she knew, could be zipped170

SHIPWRECKEDclosed, and with chunks of debris flying everywhere, it seemed the safest placefor Amelia, Jack and Camille. She herded them into it, along with bags of foodand jugs of water. She also tossed in Speedy, a small tortoise they had adoptedin the Caribbean nearly two years earlier. But soon the hulls began towobble loose, squeezing the raft between them. Jean hustled the children outagain, just before the supplies and Speedy wenttumbling overboard.Amelia and the younger kids huddled onthe rearmost tip of the port hull, as Jackcried over the loss of his pet. Jean andBen shuttled between them and John,who lay shivering and moaning as hisbody went into shock. They triedrepeatedly to lift the mast, but itwouldn’t budge. Despite his injuriesand his excruciating pain, Johnsomehow remained conscious. Healternated between acceptance anddenial of his impending death, andanguished over the fate of his family.At times, a voice in his head ex-Mainsailcoriated him: They’re doomed, andit’s your fault. He confessed hissins to God and prayed aloud thathis loved ones be spared.The family prayed too. Benapologized to his dad for anyobnoxious behavior he’dPortLocation ofaccidentLong Island Sound,New YorkMANUAEATOLLGenoasailJohn wastrapped herefor almostthree hoursLife raftBowThe familyhuddled hereafter Johnwas freedfrom underthe mastSternPosition ofthe fallenmastStarboardILLUSTRATED BY 5W INFOGRAPHIC

Members of a family who lived on a nearbymid-ocean atoll arrived by motorboat (left)to rescue the Silverwoods. Remains of theEmerald Jane are at top left.indulged in during the trip. “I’m sorry I’ve complained so much,” he said.“Forget it,” John responded. But he had a request: “If the boat starts to gounder, I’m going to be stuck unless you cut off the rest of my leg. It’ll be likewhen we cut up chickens for the barbecue. Do you think you can do it?”Ben recoiled at the thought, but kept his cool. “Let’s cross that bridgewhen we come to it,” he said.They didn’t have to. An hour later, the boat was struck by a particularlymassive wave, and the mast shifted enough to let John pull free. Ben andAmelia fastened new tourniquets on his leg (one above the knee and onebelow, since they weren’t sure which was the proper position), and thencarried him aft to join the others. Now that they were together, crowded ontoa corner of the stern, a kind of peace descended. “I was really scared before,but now I feel like it’s Christmas,” Ben said. Despite the chaos all aroundthem, the others knew what he meant.Around 1:30 in the morning, there was a glimmering on the horizon. “Aship!” Jean shouted, and Ben shot off a flare. The group’s spirits sank whenthe light turned out to be the rising moon. But Ben had been tracking anothernatural phenomenon for several hours: About 150 feet away was a172COURTESY SILVERWOOD FAMILY

SHIPWRECKEDsection of reef that never went underwater, even at high tide. The strip wasabout five feet wide; it rose three feet above the sea and stretched for perhapsa quarter mile. Compared to their unstable perch, it seemed like ahaven. “It’s time,” Ben declared, “to get off the boat.”He went first. The water on the way to the ridge was only waist-deep,and cushions from the boat were scattered across the coral. Ben gatheredthem into a comfortable nest, and Amelia helped him carry out Jack andCamille. The life raft was stuck between the hulls and tangled in cables,but after Jean freed it—using a saw that Ben ferreted out of the wreckage—they lifted John in and towed him to the refuge. Jean and Camille joined himin the raft, and Amelia held it in place, sitting neck-deep in the water to stayout of the chilly breeze. Ben and Jack curled up together on the cushions.And then they waited.The Emerald Jane’s distress calls never reached Papeete. But an orbitingsatellite picked up the EPIRB signal and relayed it to a U.S. CoastGuard station near San Francisco that coordinates rescue operations throughoutthe Pacific. The transmission contained the EPIRB’s serial number, whichwas registered—along with the Silverwoods’ emergency contact information—withthe federal government. The Coast Guard tried contacting theboat by sat-phone and e-mail, but there was no answer.Although the EPIRB also provided GPS data, it took three passes for thesatellite to get a clear reading of its latitude and longitude. In the meantime,Coast Guard officers tried to glean what they could from the peopleon the contact list. At 11 p.m. California time—8 p.m. in French Polynesia,about an hour after the accident—they called Jean’s father, Albert Boera, inNew York’s Westchester County. He told the officer that the boat was somewherenear Bora Bora, en route to Australia. The Coast Guard notified theRescue Coordination Center in New Zealand, which alerted the French military’scounterpart in Papeete.Soon afterward, the EPIRB’s precise location came through. But the Frenchcouldn’t mount a search until sunrise, which was still far away. As the nightwore on, John weakened steadily. The mast had severed his tibial arteries,and despite the tourniquets, he had lost nearly four pints of blood. Unbeknownstto his family, he was also suffering from gangrene—the death oftissue around his wound—and an infection was spreading toward his vital173

RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006organs. He’d begun to vomit, and his trembling had grown violent. Jeanknew his chances of survival were slimmer if he lost consciousness, so shetried to keep him talking. “Daddy’s going to be okay,” John told the kids,whenever he could manage it. His silences, however, were growing longer.As the sky began to lighten, around 6 a.m., the Silverwoods got their firstgood look at their surroundings. The reef, mostly submerged beneath a fewfeet of water, snaked to the horizon, where a patch of palm trees was justvisible. Nearby, the boat’s shattered remains bobbed on the swells. The vastPacific glittered all around. And high overhead, Jean saw something streakingacross the clouds.“A plane!” she cried. It proved to be a bird. But about 20 minutes later, anotherdot appeared in the sky—and this time it was a French navy jet.Everyone cheered. Ben shot up a flare, and the plane began circling. Anotherhour passed, then two. The little kids dozed, while Jean and Ben passed thetime collecting useful flotsam; they found bottles of water, cans of Cokeand a vial of painkillers, but John could hold nothing down. “Where arethey?” he asked, over and over.Finally, around 9:30, a motorboat approached, carrying seven stoutPolynesians. They loaded the life raft—with John still inside—into the boat,and made room for the rest of the family. None of the men spoke English,but the leader made the sign for “helicopter.” Jean shouted, “Hurry! He’sdying!” and the boat set off for Manuae, eight miles away.The island, it turned out, was inhabited by a single family—an elderlycouple and 14 of their children and grandchildren, who lived in a collectionof tin-roofed shacks. The islanders made an urgent call on their radio tothe rescue center in Papeete, then offered the family dry T-shirts and warmhugs, and presented Jean and Amelia with black-pearl necklaces. They laidout a feast, with crepes, raw fish and coconuts, and kept Camille and Jackdistracted with kittens and turtles.Once the French realized there was a medical emergency, they mobilizedas quickly as possible. Still, distances are long and resources scarce inPolynesia, and it took until noon for the copter to arrive. The medics quicklystabilized John, then flew him and the family to Bora Bora; from there, a jetrushed John to Tahiti. By 5:30, he was on an operating table, gazing up at ateam of surgeons. “I was so deliriously happy,” he says. “I knew my wifeand kids were safe. And I knew the pain was about to be gone.”174

The family (from left, Ben,Jack, Jean, Camille, John andAmelia) sail on a friend’s boatback home in San Diego Bay.The doctors amputated John’s leg below the knee. If he’d arrived40 minutes later, they told him, it might have been too late. It took six daysof dialysis before his kidneys, damaged by the infection, could function ontheir own, and another five days of recuperation before he was strongenough to return to the States.The family flew back to LAX on July 7, and John was transferred directlyby ambulance to Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla. There, doctors determinedthat his knee was damaged beyond repair. To heal properly, hewould need a more radical amputation. Four days later, a surgeon sawedthrough the bone just above the knee. Another infection soon set in, withfevers that left him delirious and despairing. He didn’t leave the hospitaluntil July 27.That night, unable to climb stairs, he slept in the living room of his sprawlinghouse near Rancho Santa Fe. The next morning, he woke to find Jeansnuggled on one side of him, Camille on the other. Outside the windows,PHOTOGRAPHED BY TIM TADDER175

RD BONUS READ I JULY 2006sunlight was sparkling on the dozens of citrus trees he’d planted in the yard.“My improvement,” he says, “began right then.”John started a course of rehabilitation, and by late September, his leg hadhealed enough to be fitted with a state-of-the-art prosthesis. It has a microprocessorin the knee joint that adjusts the hydraulics to match his gait. Sucha contraption requires long practice to master, and a year after the ordeal,John, who has not yet returned to work, figures he’s about halfway there.To this day, he wonders what went wrong off Manuae, whether the chartswere off, the autopilot was buggy, or his own calculations were flawed. Hestill has some “phantom limb” pain—the mysterious discomfort that manyamputees feel in their missing part. But he is learning to hold his other phantomsat bay. For a time, he couldn’t stand to look at the ocean; on a seasidecamping trip, he awoke in a panic at the sound of waves. In February, however,he manned the tiller on a half-day jaunt sponsored by a handicappedsailing group. “I had a ball,” he says. He’s already planning to buy a new boat.Remarkably, the other Silverwoods are open to the idea. Although Jeanstill suffers from anxiety attacks, she managed a Carnival Cruise to Mexicolast winter. The kids report no nightmares or flashbacks—quite the contrary.“I learned that, under pressure, you can do anything,” Amelia says.“Since the accident,” observes Ben, “we’re all a little nicer to each other.”His father continues to marvel over Ben’s actions during the crisis, whichrecently earned him the Boy Scouts’ top medal for heroism.For John, the rewards are unmistakable. Over lunch, he gestures aroundthe table at his family. “Sure, I lost a leg,” he says. “But look what I’ve still got.”TO BE CONTINUED…176I was waiting at a busy intersectionwhen two shoppingbag-ladenwomen got off abus chatting animatedly.They had said their goodbyesand were heading in opposite directionswhen one called over her shoulder to theother, “I’ll phone you when I get home.”A minute later she stopped. “Better yet,” she shouted, “you callme. You’ll get home before I will.”M.J. WEBER

HEALTH ■ FOOD ■ HOME ■ CARS ■ YOU ■ PETSFunBackyardGames189LWA/THE IMAGE BANK/GETTY IMAGESTennis Witha Twist 182Fried Chicken andFireworks 184New Way to WashYour Face 192Pet-FriendlyTravel Tips 194179

RDHEALTH+ + + + +Stay Cool—and ThinKeeping hydratedthis summerwill ease theheat, but drinkablecaloriescan add up. Sayyou guzzle a glassof OJ with breakfast, then stopfor an iced latte. For a mid-morningrefresher, you have a flavored icedtea, then a soda with lunch, anotherat 3 p.m., and two beers after work.A typical day, and you’ve chuggedas many as 1,068 calories, or half aday’s worth, in liquid alone.“Ideally, you should receiveno calories from beverages,”says CynthiaSass of theAmerican DieteticAssociation.(Milk and100% fruit juicecount as foodservings.) That advice may be hardto swallow when you’re parched.So limit your drinks to 10% of totalcalories (about 200), says Sass. Optfor unsweetened iced tea, diet sodaor water with a splash of lemon,lime or orange juice. JAZELLE HUNT(ICED TEA) BRIAN MACDONALD PHOTOGRAPHY/PICTUREQUEST/JUPITER IMAGESQShould I bealarmed aboutdangerous fluoridelevels in water?ADespite scaryheadlines, mostpeople can keepsipping from the tap. TheEPA says water with 0.7to 1.2 mg of fluoride perliter is safe, and mostpublic water supplies are180well within that range.Moderate amounts offluoride strengthen toothenamel, preventing decay,but a recent NationalAcademy of Sciencesreport found that highlevels (4 mg/L) canweaken bones and givekids mottled, pitted teeth.Excess fluoride may alsocause other health problems,but only a smallpercentage of water supplieshave levels this high.It’s a good idea to knowhow much is in your water,since fluoride also comesfrom other sources (toothpaste,some bottledwaters). Ask your waterutility for a copy of theConsumer ConfidenceReport to find out fluoridelevels in your H 2 O.CYNTHIA DERMODY(DOUGHNUTS) CHRISTINE BRONICO

RDHEALTH182Turbo-ChargedTennisTennis is aterrific workout:You canburn major caloriessprinting toreturn a killer shot, and tone your armswhile volleying and serving. But if youwant more intense exercise, try cardiotennis. Never picked up a racket? No problem.This is a fast-paced, action-packed workout, andit doesn’t matter if you get the ball over the net.What does: getting your heart rate up by doingsprints and drills with 6 to 10 other players percourt. Some clubs even pipe in funky music tokeep you going. Most classes run 60 minutes.Why try it? You’ll burn 300 to 600 calories anhour, learn skills to improve your game and, ohyeah, you’ll have a great time!You can try cardio tennis indoors or out, atone of more than 1,000 tennis centers across thecountry; classes are about $10 each. Find a locationnear you at cardiotennis.com. PATRICIA CURTISFASTFACT>>60% ofadults don’t use insect repellents,but mosquito bites are thetop summer skin-care concernin the United States. SOURCE: Spectrum BrandsROOM TOGROWHEALTHYYou’re in the hospital,feeling bad, and you’vegot a loud, cranky roommate.Relief is on theway. Patients who stayin private rooms recoverfaster, so the AmericanInstitute of Architects’Academy of Architecturefor Health nowrecommends that allnew hospitals be builtwith private rooms only.“Single rooms aremore efficient,” says Dr.Dennis O’Leary of theJoint Commission onAccreditation of HealthcareOrganizations.“They reduce medicalerrors and infections,and patients will probablyget out of the hospitalfaster.”LISA MILLERFIELDSILLUSTRATED BY JOSEF GASTADRIAN GREEN/STONE/GETTY IMAGES

LET'SEAT!WITH MOLLY O'NEILLFRED CONRADA Fourth of July FavoriteJohn t. edge looks forward to the Fourth of Julywith the fervor of a Founding Father. After all,it’s the only day that picnics are a patrioticduty, says the man who has spent a decade studyingAmerican identity through food. Each spring, John T.,director of the Southern Foodways Alliance at the Center for the Study ofSouthern Culture in Oxford, Mississippi, begins planning his annual Americanpicnic. On the menu: food icons such as fried chicken, burgers, coleslaw,potato salad and pie. He’s written 13 books so far, including Fried Chicken: AnAmerican Story.The center of any picnic? Cold fried chicken. And this recipe from JohnFleer, chef at Blackberry Farm in Walland, Tennessee, beats all. MOLLY O’NEILLJohn Fleer’s Sweet Tea Brined Fried Chicken8 chicken leg quartersBRINE:1 qt. brewed tea, doublestrength1 lemon, zested,quartered1 cup sugar1⁄2 cup kosher saltCRUST:2 cups all-purpose flour2 cups masa harina(fine cornmeal)2 tbs. Old BaySeasoning1 tbs. chili powderSalt and pepper, to taste2 cups buttermilk1 qt. vegetable oil1. Mix brine ingredients. Simmer 5 minutes,until sugar and salt dissolve. Add 1 quart icewater. Submerge chicken for 48 hours, refrigerated.Drain.2. Mix flour, masa harina, Old Bay, chili powder,salt and pepper in large bowl. Soak chicken inbuttermilk in medium bowl, 2 minutes. Remove,draining off excess liquid. Coat chicken in masaharina mixture. Let sit 30 minutes before frying.3. Heat oil to 325°. Fry chicken, fully covered inoil, 15 minutes (big pieces may need more time; small pieces, less). Cool; refrigerateovernight. Serves 4. Get more recipes at rd.com/picnic.ELIZABETH WATT/STOCKFOOD CREATIVE/GETTY IMAGES184(BOOK) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO

LET'S EAT!Tea-rriffic TastesQI love iced tea, but manybottled ones are too sweet.Got any recommendations?AAfter tasting several brands,we’ve found a few favorites.But before you start sipping, keep inmind that liquid calories quickly addup. White tea is the trend of the moment,and Inko’s Original is refreshinglygood. With just 56 calories abottle, it’s slightly sweet, and comesin 9 yummy flavors. And yes, whitetea is as healthy asblack and green.POM Wonderful’s flavoredteas are justsweet enough toplease. Lastly, for teapurists, Honest Tea’sunsweetened organicJust Green and JustBlack, and Coca-Cola’s new unsweetenedGold Peak, offera simple, bold taste,while Adagio’s Anteadotedelivers a seriouslystrong punch.FASTFACT>>46%of men and 31% ofwomen admit to doubledippingchips at parties.186SOURCE: American Dietetic AssociationFriends, ThroughGood Food and BadThe hardest thing, says BarbaraMoseley, “is having something in yourmouth that tastes awful and still havinga smile on your face.”Moseley’s had considerable experiencehere. She and her best friend,Gwen McKee, are editors of the Bestof the Best state cookbook series, thecrème de la crème of publishedrecipes from 35 states and 4 regions.McKee, 66, and Moseley, 69,had been itching to find somethingof their own to do. The two womenknew their way around the kitchen.Finding their way around the countrywas a different story. They got lost inthe Everglades and were mooned inDes Moines. In the name of research,they’ve eaten fried pork brain in Indiana,rattlesnake in Texas, alligator inLouisiana and possum in Kentucky.“We vowed that if business everthreatened our friendship, we’d dissolvethe partnership,” says McKee.Thirty years later, they’re still goingstrong.JOANNE KAUFMAN

RDHOMEBefore and AFTERRenovate a whole house for $50K? The secrets ...For nine months, Terry andNancy Fike and their four kidslived in a two-room shed whilethey gutted the 1910 farmhouse on apear and apple orchard in Cashmere,Washington, that they boughtfor $70,000. Then all it took was onehandy guy (Terry), lots of friends,an eye for tag-sale treasures, andgiving up many weekends. “Findingsomething discarded and bringing itback to life was a lot of fun for us,”Terry says.Do you have a room redo or outdoorproject you’d like to show off?Send the before-and-after photos tomakeover@rd.com. Online submissionsonly. To see more home-makeoverprojects, go to rd.com/makeover.Hardest job Removing, numbering,stripping and then refittingall of the original vertical grain firtrim around doors, windows andbaseboards.Splurges Living room carpet anddining room rug, $2,250; Boschdishwasher, $650; Jenn-Air walloven, $900.Lesson learned Don’t try tosalvage badly pockmarked plasterwalls; just sheetrock right overthem.beforeafter188

STEPHEN MALLON/PHOTONICA/GETTY IMAGESThe New Gotta-Have GamesGet off the patio furnitureand into some serious calorieburningfun with innovativebackyard games:Qolf A cross between golf andcroquet played with a lightweightball and your sand or pitching wedge(sharperimage.com; $60).Soft Shoes Soft but solid rubberhorseshoes that can easily be carriedto parks or barbecues with a nylonstrap (fungripper.com; $25).OgoSport Useone of thesetrampolinelookingdisks(right) as aFrisbee; gettwo, and volleyany ballback and forth(ogosport.com; $40 for two-pack).Monster Badminton This version has supersizedrackets and shuttlecocks so even tiny tykescan join in (Target stores; $20).Skylighter Two LEDs illuminate this flyingdisk’s rim, so you can play well into the night(aerobie.com; $15).CYNTHIA DERMODYTRY THIS! Wait, don’t toss that bananapeel. You can rub its inside on your leather shoesto clean and polish them! Find uses for 203 othercommon items from around your home, or searchby the specific household problem you’d like tosolve, by logging on to rd.com/extraordinaryuses.Don’t BeMowed OverLawn mower mishapsare on the rise, leadingto 74,000 ER visits ayear, mostly by peopleunder age 15 and over60. The most commonwounds? Those fromsticks spit out from theblades. Doctors alsotreat burns, injured extremitiesand falls thatresult from mowing wetgrass. “People need toprotect their feet andlegs, and wear gogglesand gloves,” says DavidBishai, author of a lawnmower study at JohnsHopkins BloombergSchool of Public Healthin Baltimore. Kidsunder 15 shouldn’toperate or be near amower at all. C.D.(QOLF) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO189

RDCARSDraggingWith MyLaptopJeannine johnson,16, is poised in herdrag-racing car,eyes locked on thelights overhead. Threeyellow ones flash, andshe takes off at 85 mph.Eight seconds later, therace is over and a greenlight at the finish linetells Johnson she’s won.She can thank hercomputer for part of her success.Junior dragsters guess how long itwill take them to go from start tofinish, and try to come as close tothat time as possible. And if her caris not running well, the Puyallup,Washington, teen explains, it won’tperform as she predicts. So aftereach race, she connects her PC toa data collector near her car’s en-190Car Paint GoesHigh TechPicking the colorof your new caris hard enough.New high-techpaint will makeit even harder:• Is it charcoalgray or cool violet? ChromaFlair is a hue-shifting pigmentcurrently used on some GM and Nissan cars. Morecarmakers plan to use it.• Mood-ring-style paint, where the car’s color changesaccording to the weather, is being developed by Germanresearchers.• Scratch Guard Coat is not a color but a self-repairingelastic resin that repels scratches and makes slight onesfade. It will be on Nissan cars in this country soon.gine. It records rpm, jackshaftspeed and motor temperature. Thedownloaded info appears as a linegraph, which she overlays on graphsfrom prior races. If they don’tmatch, it’s tune-up time.Microsoft gave Johnson the grandprize in its Start Something AmazingAwards, for best use of aPC in a sport.Due to a childhood surgerythat damaged growthplates, Johnson’s right leg isshorter than her left. “Alot of kids play baseballand soccer, but I can’tbecause of my disability,”she says.“Drag racing letsme participate ina unique sport nota lot of people do.”COURTESY MICROSOFT

RDYOUNew Ways toWASH YOUR FACEStill using plain soap andwater on your face in thesehigh-tech times? Even thecleansing cloths introduced a fewyears ago have had makeovers. Thenew products clean and rejuvenate skinin ways you never imagined. We tried abunch and loved them all. They’re pricierthan most bars or liquid cleansers (and mayseem wasteful), but you might decide they’reworth it—especially when traveling. Our favorites:CATEGORY PRODUCTS WHY WE LOVED THEMDual-sidedcleansingpadsClean & ClearDaily Pore($7); DoveEnergy Glow($4.50);NeutrogenaPureGlow ($9)All have one side to clean and exfoliate,another that moisturizes, although they stilltend to leave skin a bit dry. They couldn’tbe easier to use: Just wet one andstart washing. Said one tester,“They work especially well whenI’m tired and want to wash my facequickly before bed.”PremoistenedclothsPremoistenedmakeupremoversBioré Pore Perfect($7); NeutrogenaBlackhead Eliminating2-in-1 ($8);Neutrogena DeepClean Invigorating($7.50)MarkfromAvon($7); Olay DailyFacials ($6)One tester said the Bioré left herface feeling clean and not driedout, but it didn’t remove all ofher waterproof mascara. TheNeutrogena worked well onsensitive skin, even for onetester who can’t normally use an exfoliator withoutirritation. “They’re great for use after a workout,so I plan to keep them in my gym locker.”“Olay’s slightly floral smell made my skin feelcleaner than my usual facial wash and also dida good job of removing waterproof mascara.”The Mark “lathered up well, had a fresh cleanscent, and didn’t sting my eyes.” CYNTHIA DERMODY192(PRODUCTS) PHOTOGRAPHED BY CHRISTINE BRONICO

RDPETSHappierTravelsTraveling with a four-leggedfriend can be, well, hairy. ChrisKingsley of petswelcome.com,a directory of pet-friendly lodging,offers tips for a safe trip:By air Reserve early, and ask theairline about weight limits and otherdetails. Small pets can often go inthe cabin in a carrier that fits underthe seat, but larger dogs must ridein crates in the cargo hold. Makesure she’s healthy and vaccinationsare up-to-date. If your pet is nervous,your vet may prescribe antianxietymedication, but never sedateyour pooch. High altitudes and barbituratesare a bad mix for animals.By car If Fifi gets carsick, askthe vet about drugs that might help.Keep her in a carrier or pet seatbelt (harness); a loose animal canget hurt or injure a passenger duringa quick stop or crash. Take breaksevery few hours, and never leaveyour pet alone in the car—especiallyin extremely hot or cold weather.Finally, if you can’t spend muchtime with her on a trip, considerleaving your pet home with a sitter.Just think of the welcome you’ll getwhen you return!LUCIA RAATMASTEVEN PUETZER/PHOTONICA/GETTY IMAGESWill Work for FoodPets left home alone all day are more likely todevelop behavior problems, such as incessantbarking, chewing or scratching furniture, saysMarty Becker, a veterinarian in Bonners Ferry,Idaho. “They need to be stimulated mentally.”With new innovative “food puzzles,”your dog or cat can work for food in a fun,challenging way. To start, fill a puzzle withkibble, and she’ll paw, roll or push the toy tomake the food fall out. Once she can master it,put up to a day’s worth of food in a few puzzlesto keep your pet moving and busy. Becker’s dogs, Quixote and Shakira, love theirtoys. “The puzzles keep them engaged and active. Their eyes are bright; their tailsare helicopter rotors.” Give dogs the Molecuball, Buster Food Cube or Kong Stuff-A-Ball; cats love the Play-N-Treat (ourpets.com, petsmart.com). NEENA SAMUEL194

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES ®My wife and Iwere havinga very hypothetical discussion:In the unlikelyevent that Hollywoodmade a movie based onour lives, we wonderedwhat stars would play us.“Who would you pickto portray you?” sheasked me.I thought about it for aminute, then answered,“Dennis Quaid.”“In that case,” she said,“I’ll play myself.”MARK SUGGS,Boone, North CarolinaI was shopping in the pet section of mylocal supermarket when I overheard a womansinging the praises of a particular water bowl toher husband.“Look, it even has a water filter!” she concluded,holding the doggie dish out for her husband’sinspection.He had a slightly different take on things: “Dear,he drinks out of the toilet.”JAMES JENKINS, Jacksonville, FloridaCaught up running errands, my mom’s friendforgot where she’d parked. A police officer, noticingher agitation, asked, “Is something wrong?”“I can’t find my car,” she explained.“What kind is it?”She gave him a quizzical look. “Name some.”LILA DRYER, Lowndesboro, Alabama“Let’s not have a good time.You know I can’t stand these people.”Heading downthe interstate,our car passed througha huge swarm of gnatsso dense that theirbodies made poppingnoises as they hit thewindshield. “I can’t getover how loud they are,”my wife said.“Well, we are hittingthem at 65 miles anhour,” I pointed out.Her reply left mespeechless. “I didn’tknow bugs could flythat fast.”JOHN SHINDLEBOWER,Mt. Eden, KentuckyILLUSTRATED BY PC VEY 197

RD I JULY 2006Inspirationalspeaker Dr. WayneDyer still remembers thecard his kids gave him forhis 64th birthday. Thefront said, “Inside is amessage from God.”Pleased they finallyappreciated his work, heopened it to read, “Seeyou soon!” CHRISTINE KITTO,Lake Worth, FloridaMy husband usesscraps of wood,called “shorts,” forcarving. In a lumberstore, he saw somelovely pieces in a binbehind the counter.But he had a lot ofexplaining to do afterhe asked the clerk,“Do you mind if I comearound and pokethrough your shorts?”You could earnup to $300for your own funny story.Go to rd.com/joke or seepage 12 for details.Teeing off on the12th hole at a golfresort, we stopped tobuy cold drinks from theyoung woman drivingthe beverage cart. As mybuddy reached for hiswallet, he said to her,“You’re in great shape.You must work out a lot.”Flattered, she gave hima big smile. “Thank you.”The next day a differentyoung woman wasdriving the cart. “Watchthis,” I whispered. Iwalked up to her andsaid, “Wow, you mustwork out a lot.”“Yeah,” she replied.“You should try it.”THOMAS OSBORNE,Elmira, New YorkConsumer Information Reader’s Digest may share information about you with reputable companies in order for them to offer you products and services of interest toyou. If you would rather we not share information, please write to Reader’s Digest Customer Service, P.O. Box 7823, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0823.Published monthly by The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc., 1 Reader’s Digest Rd., Pleasantville, N.Y. 10570. Rates: $2.99 a copy; $27.98 per year in the U.S. and territories;$38.95 (includes shipping by air where available) for the U.S. edition delivered outside the U.S. and territories. A special Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading withselected articles from The Digest is published by Reader’s Digest Large Edition, Inc. For details write: Reader’s Digest Large Print for Easier Reading, P.O. Box 8177, Red Oak,Iowa 51591-1177.Reader’s Digest, (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), Vol. 169, No. 1011, July 2006. © 2006 The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved. Unauthorized reproduction,in any manner, is prohibited. Reader’s Digest, The Digest, and the Pegasus logo are registered trademarks of The Reader’s Digest Association, Inc. Marca Registrada. Printedin U.S.A. Periodicals postage paid at Pleasantville, N.Y., and at additional mailing offices. You may cancel your subscription at any time and receive a refund for copies notpreviously addressed. Your subscription will expire with the issue identified above your name on the address label.POSTMASTER: Send address changes to Reader’s Digest, Box 7809, Red Oak, Iowa 51591-0809.SUBSCRIBERS: If the Post Office alerts us that your magazine is undeliverable, we have no further obligation unless we receive a corrected address within one year.198CATHY GROVES,Kearney, NebraskaI suppose it speaks volumes about the stateof my marriage when I admit to nodding knowinglyat a remark made by a colleague.She was telling me about the death of anotherco-worker’s spouse, when she commented, “Howsad. They’d been married only five years, so Iimagine she still loved him.”JANET IVES, Federal Way, WashingtonOn the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, mygrandson asked my son the question. “Dad, I knowthat babies come from mommies’ tummies, but howdo they get there in the first place?” he asked innocently.After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, mygrandson finally spoke up in disgust.“You don’t have to makesomething up, Dad. It’s OK ifyou don’t know the answer.”HARRY NEIDIG, Pennsauken, New Jersey

RDCHALLENGE BY WILL SHORTZThree of a kind is the winning dealin this month’s Challenge. Figureout what the trio in each set havein common, and you’ve solved thepuzzle—as long as each answer is asix-letter plural word, ending in -s!Got it? Now show your hand ...Ex. Railroad, wild animal, music CD: TRACKS1. TromboneChildren’s playgroundLaboratory microscope______________________2. ParadeMalt shopTackle box______________________3. WeightBritish bankASPCA______________________4. DentistDry runArmy camp______________________5. Hunting dogCompassScoreboard______________________6. DungeonJewelry storeSequence______________________7. FishSheet musicDieters______________________8. Municipal parking lotElectric utilityRhythm in verse______________________9. Golf courseSaladEnvironmentalists______________________10. Boxing matchDoctorChildren’s song______________________11. BeachRiflePasta______________________12.RuptureSchool yearGood fortune______________________200Answers: 1. Slides; 2. Floats; 3. Pounds; 4. Drills; 5. Points; 6. Chains; 7. Scales; 8. Meters;9. Greens; 10. Rounds; 11. Shells; 12. Breaks.ILLUSTRATED BY ROBERT DEMICHIELL

OUR AMERICA“HIGHWAY PATROL” BY C. F. PAYNE EXCLUSIVELY FOR READER’S DIGESTFor more great C.F. Payne images, go to rd.com/CFPayne