Goodies in Yorkshire Dialect - Freepages

GOODIESAND OTHER STORIES INA YORKSHIRE DIALECTBY WALTER F. TURNER,FRIDAYTHORPE.LONDON:THE ST CATHERINE PRESS34 NORFOLK STREETSTRAND

?R&0ssss*.CONTENTSI. Goodies.II.Aboot Parsons.III. Troobbles of a Bachelor.IV. A Deeasment o' Cawad.V. Pooachin.VI. Droahver Dick.VII. Parcils.VIII. The Yaller Waginette.IX. Ann Radler' Teeth.X. Misfottens.XL Pigjobbin.XII. A Romance.XIII. Jimmy Watterfield.XIV. Tenged.XV. Me Faather' Troosies.XVI. Bod-nestin.XVII. A Lark.XVIII. Coonty Cooncils.XIX. Charlie Dragon.XX. Morses Pitcher.

GOODIESXXI. Somnambulism.XXII. Teeathwark.XXIII. 'Enny.uij

PREFACE.THE stories here presented have beenwritten from time to time for thepurpose of reading at concerts and entertainmentsinYorkshire. They are put upin book form now in response tomany requeststhat they should be published. I hopealso that they may be useful as a smallcontribution toillustrativeof the harmless and often un-humour of the natives of N.E.consciousdialectic literature, and asYorkshire. For almost all the stories arebuilt around humorous incidents whichhave come under the personal notice of theauthor. If a stray" chestnut"is found embeddedin the text I ithopewill begenerously overlooked.writers in Yorkshire dialect makeManythe mistake of insertinginitial aitches inthe spellingof words. I have tried to avoidthis error, knowingthat there isno initialv

GOODIESaitch in this dialect proper.It is a perfectlysmooth, round and euphonious dialect, andthe use of an aspiratein it sounds almostlike a vulgarism.One peculiarity of the district which isperhaps worthy of notice is that there seemsto be a difficulty in pronouncing the "th"sound at the beginning and end of somewords. The word " three," for instance,often becomes "tree," and "throne" becomes" trone," with the suspicionof aneffort in the pronunciation, and "strength"sometimes almost becomes " strengt." Butthe difficultyis not always apparent.Theword " through," for instance, becomes" " throoff with the" "proper th sound.I have not thought necessaryto give anyglossary of words, as the general sense ofthe passage in which it occurs will probablyshow clearly enough the meaning ofany unusual word. There are, however, afew words which seem to be peculiar toV J

PREFACEthis district, and therefore worth mentioninghere.When the farm lads have been engagedin cross-ploughing the fallows on the woldsand you ask them what they have beendoing, they will " reply, QuartingA fawf."man of a very taciturn and morosedisposition is said to be " a despert joontousfeller."A young mother proudof her baby issaid to be " "despert cruse of er bairn.The housewife doesn't beat an egg, she"jowps it oopp."To remove anythingis often " to remanit."An habitual reader may be " a wayantbody for reading," and " wayantly " is anadverb in use." Noott varry jannock" is equivalent tonot quite upto the mark.When a local gentleman put ^Tiooo onBlink Bonny in the Derby of 1857vij

wonGOODIES30,000, he was said to have " slockenedt' bank at Pocklington." And as thatis where he paid the money in I supposethat strangeword meant " swamped."If a man getsvery hot "plooggin moock,"or doing any other arduous labour, he willtell his mate that he " sweeats like a brock."And that is a very forcible expression, thefullmeaning of which may not appear onthe surface. The brock, of course, reallyis also the dialectmeans the badger, but itword for the spittle blight,which somewhatresembles the badger in shape, andthat expression reallymeans tosweat likea spittle blight,which literally envelopesitself in foam.The spittle blightis also looked upon asa weather guide. When the " brocks " areout at the top of the bushes it is a sign offair weather, but when they disappear fromsight you may expect rain. And if you aska native whether it isviijgoing to rain he may

PREFACE"say, Naw, it weeant raan, t' brocks isoot."All these dialect words have come tomy notice, and are still in occasional useamongst the older people on the YorkshireWolds. Some of them, and others of moregeneral use, occur in the stories, but thosementioned in this preface are onlyof rareoccurrence, and fast becoming obsolete, andare therefore the more interesting.Everyeffort has been made in these storiesto make the spelling phonetic and as uniformas possible, and also to preserve thecorrect idioms. For this reason Itrust thelittle volume may have an interest as anunpretentious record of the dialect of N.E.Yorkshire both now and in the days whenit is heard no more.WALTER F. TURNER.Fridaythorpe, Malton, 1912.IX

GOODIESIT fair caps me what for fooaks want teit goodies Choch! Yan wad i' reallyethink 'at soomm fooaks couldn't saah therprayers wivoot a goody i' ther moothes. Itcaps owt! It dis, Ah seer.T' parson o' Soondah ad nobbut joostan a fat oard woman i'getten inti t'pew,t'seeat i' froont o' me thowtsher werefooastte ev a goody. An sher parzels'er andawaah roond tiv' er greeat oard pockit att'back, an' began scrattin aboot, an rattlinkays an paaper an sike like, te see if shercould finnd a bit o' goody. An there sherwar laatin an scrattin aboot, like a 'en on amoock middin, wharl wer gat te t'Psalms.An sher gat that vexed, becos shercouldn't finnd yan o' onny sooart, sher couldscaarce bard. Sher bleeamed t'bairns, yeri

GOODIESknaw, for gerrin tiv 'er pockit throoff t'week. Sher knawed sher'd left twe or treeo't' lasst Soondah, d'yersee? or else sherwad a gettinsoomm mare when sher werei*Pickering Set'dah neet ;bud noo shercouldn't finnd yan, naather a mint, ner arooase, ner a acid, ner a anise, ner owt.Awivver sher were despert jealous sherowt te ev a goody iv er pockit soomwheres,see? See 'i t' fosst Lesson sher'd evd'yeranoother laat. An sher beganto tak t'thingsoot of er pockit this tahme, d'yer see?anput em doon i' t' seeat ageean er.By Lad! Ah wadn't like to be a womanan nobbut a yar pockit, an that awaahroond at t' back, where ye' etti crick yerneck an put yer shooder oot te ger at it.Ah wadn't awivver!Ah tell yer what, lads, if you ad seenwhat a greeatvasst o' things that therewoman ad i'yar pockit; an t' tewin, an t'scrattin, an t' twistin sher ad te ger a bit2

GOODIESo' goody oot at warn't there, yer'd sympathahsewiv em, Ah tell yer, when therwant te ger inti, what ther call, rationalcostume.Look yer!Ah couldn't fairly tell ycrwhat there wasn't i' that there womanpockit!Ah joost shoott me eese, anoppened em ageean, an Ah thowt Ah wereat a joomle saale i'steead o' i' t' Choch, Ahdid awivver! Ah ev thotteen pockits mesen,an, look yer,Ah ayant asmonny thingsi' all on em tegitheras what that therewoman ad i' urr yan,Ah seer Ah ayant.There was t' doer kay, there was a anketcher,there was a bootten ook, there wasa kettle odder, there was fower or fahvebits o' band, there was a thimmle, therewas a pincushin, there was a posse, therewas a yed measure, there was aaf a doozzenAhairpins lapped oopp iv a bit o' paaperknaw ther were airpins, becos sher oppenedem oot, sher thowt t'goody ad mebbe3

GOODIESgetten amang em, d'yer see? an there wassoommat else, Ah've forgetten what. Ohreye, there was a bit o' pencilwi' t'pointbrokken, an there was a cleease pin,an abit o' wax, an despert thrang deed o'boottons, an bits o'paaperat ad mebbe adgoodies in em at soomm tahme, an a dealmare things.An ther were all i'yar pockit That's!what capped me. Oo-an-ivver sher gat emin Ah deean't knaw. An Ah were matchedem inte knaw oo sher were gahin te gerageean afoor Choch t'loused, bud awivversher did.An sher went reet awaah doon inti t'boddom o' that there pockit, an sher rowedaboot, an laated i' t'coorners, an shercouldn't finnd a bit o' goodydeeah whatsher wad, there warn't yan.By Lad! she did luke vexed!An sher began te sooart o' sooart t' thingsower, an trust em back intiv er pockit4

GOODIESin at t'ageean. An sher put t' doer kayboddom, yer knaw, becos it ud be t' fosstthing sher'd want oot; ther a straangecontrairy thing is a woman; an then sherput er anketcher in, an then t' rist o' t'things. Awivver sher gatem all rammledin a deal sharper an Ah could o' reckonedon.An then sher leeaned back i' t' seeat teev a rist,an Ah's think sher wanted yan,sher were varry near tewed te deeath. AnAh thowt sher'd deean wiv er oard pockitfor yar sarvice awivver.text,Bud joost as t' isparson began sarmon anad gin oot t't' woman wanted er anketcher,an sher ad te gan tiv er pockitageean. An sher gat odden t' anketcher bet' coorner an raave it oot. An t' thimmlecom oot wiv it, d'yer see? An t' thimmlerattled doon onti t'seeat, d'yer see? An, byLad! there was a goody toommled oot o't* thimmle!5

GOODIESAh nivver seed neeabody se i'pleased mewick! Sher were fair capped, was woman.t'An sher popped t' goody intiv er mooth,an by Goom! it were a mint! an a despertstrang un an all, it fair reeked all ower t'Choch! An there sher set knappin an knappinawaah like a steeanchecker. An thensher stack a bit on't awaa inti t' coornerof er cheek, te mak it lasst, an listened te t'sarmon mebbe a minute, or mebbe twea.An then sher started scroonchin awaaageean, like an oard ratten at t' back of askettin booard, wharl sher'd getten itdeean.An then sher tooke t' thimmleoot ageean,te see if there were onny mare goodiesgetten in, but there warn't.An afoor Ah knawed where Ah war, t'sarmon was owerd wiv, an allon't was t'Ah'd eeardtext, " Tak neeah thowt for themorrer." An seeah wer coommed awaa oot.An Ah knaw t' oard woman were thinkin6

GOODIESall t' tahme sher'd etti ev soomm maregoodies gettenafoor t' next Soondah.Ohr, them goodies! Ah deean't knawwhat maks fooaks se craazed on em, Ahdeean't Ah seer.Noo Ah can chow mah bito' bacca i' t' Choch an nivver mak a soondwiv it,allaboot it.an nivver neeabody knaw nowt at

ABOOT PARSONSSOOMMonem'sgooduns,ansoommonem's bad uns, an soomm on em's nobbutmiddlin. Ther mich aboot like ootherfooakfor that awaah, is parsons.Bud soomtahmes it appens at aparson ooto' Loondon, or soomwheres i' t' soothcountry, ull coomm an sattle doon, im an ismissis, amang sike fooaks as uz; an ee canttellfairlywhat wer saah.Noo Ah knawed sike a parson yance; eecom te be t' vicar of a lahtle spot where meoonkle Robert used to live. Ah saah, usedte live, whah ee'd give t' spot oopp two yearsen coomm Laady Daah, an flitted ontit' Wawads. Bud, awivver, me ant Marthaad a bairn te kessen, a lahtle lad, an seeahther tak im te t' choch te get im kessend.An enoo, when ther gatte t'spot i'booke, t' new parson says, "Naame this8t'

ABOOT PARSONSchild," an t' nuss at ad gin im t' bairn says," Nohr, Sir," as plaan as owt.An t'parson says t'ageean, "Naame thischild.""Nohr, Sir," says t'woman."Bud, mah good woman, Ah want teknaw what yer want tecallthechild. Didn'tis moother tell yer what naame yer were tegive im?"" Yis, Nohr, Sir," says woman t' ageean." Dear, dear! " says t' parson.An ee tonste me oonkle Robert an axes im; " Can youtell me what t' naame o' t' child es te be?"An me oonkle " says,Nohr Sir."An t'parson luked fair bet. An me oonkle"says,Hen-Oar Aah-Airch,Nohr. Ayantyer nivver eeard t' naame afoor?"Then t'parson went on wi t' kessenin. Itall coommed o' im noott oonderstandin wertalk. Ee were yano' them sooth countrychaps, d'yer see?Ah finnd fawat soomtahmes mesen wiB 2 9

ABOOT PARSONSparsons for usin sike orkard oonnatral wodsi' ther sarmons; oor Vicar disn't, ees adespert plaan spokken man, bud soomm onem at coomms is ower bad for owt.Noo t'laast arvest there was a man comte preeach i' oor toon, an t' Vicar telled imafoorand at wer were nobbut eeamly fooaks,an at ee'd best preeach middlin simple like,an noott use ower lang wods.An efter ee'd deean is sarmon an ad gettenyam te t'oose ee says te oor Vicar, "Ah 'inkyure people would oonderstand me all right,wadn't ther, think yer? T' language weresimple aneeaf, wasn't it?"An ee says," Weel, Ah decant knaw,there was yan or two wods, thoo knaws, atwould be a bit straange tiv em. That wod'felicity' for instance, com ower a tahme ortwo, an Ah question whether oor fooakswould knaw what it meeand. Bud,awivver," ee says,"te morn when mah10

ABOOT PARSONSman's drahvin on yerte t'Staation, joostyouaxe im if ee knaws what it meeans."An seeah t'next moornin ther were drahvinte t'Staation an ee axes t'man it wereBilly Pooltiss, Ah 'ink, at t'Vicar ad then,oor Jaames went tiv im two years efterAwivver ee axes Billyif ee knawed what""felicity meeand, d'yer see ? An Billyscratted is eead an thowt a bit, an then eesays, " Felicity, Sir, felicity? Nohr, ah canttell at ivver Ah eeard tell o' sike a thing.Oonless itbe soommat at coomms oot o' t'insahde'n a pig."An then ageean, yer knaw, when a newparson coomms tiv a spotneeabody, an ee esn't onny ideeee disn't knawwhich o't' lasses is wed an which on em isn't, oomoodd er? An soomtahmes ee maks a bit ofa feeal of issen i' that waah. Noo Ah'll tellyer a teeal, joost te show yer, aboot a "lawcorntenens " we ad for a bit. It were ower aii

ABOOT PARSONSkessenin an all. There were a lass brote abairn tet' choch, d'yersee? An t'godfaathersan godmootherswas there seeam as allus.An this ere parson were a wed chap isself,an a despert good and at oddin a bairn, atmeead t' oard women saa at ther reckonedee moost a ad a deal o'nussin te dee atyamlike. An t' kessenin went off real nice, an t'bairn nivver yiledner nowt. An when t' wasowered, t' parson axed t' lass at ad brote t'baaby if sher would like te reton thanks.T' lass didn't knaw what ee meeand, budsher wanted te be civil, seeah sher said sherdidn't mahnd, sher wad if ee liked. An seeahsher gav t' bairn te t' granmoother antelled er te waat i' t'pooach, at t' parsonwanted er for soommat. An then sher gansoopp an gets choched, d'yersee?Noo it isn't a lang job isn't that, an itwas seean owered wiv. An when ther'dgetten t' bairn registered, t' parsonods ootis and te t' lass an says;" Noo, my good12

ABOOT PARSONSwoman, thoo's gettena despertfine bairn,thoo mun tak care on im, an Ah orpeee may'grow ooppyer."te be a blessin toAn t' lass says," Ohr, ee isn't mah baaby,Sir, ee belongs mah sister,Ah's nobbut isAnt, an An isn't married."There was an oard parson at Goolthrup,a despertnice oard man, an a despertmanfor bookes an stooddy, yer knaw. Ee wraatebookes issen. Ther called im Greeateead.An ee ad yar fawat. An that was at whenee were kessenin a bairn, choose what therwanted te call im, as seean as ivver is andtooched watter, t' naame ther'd telled imwad gan frev im, an ee'd kessen t' bairnsoommat else.There was yar woman i' t' villageat adtree lahtle lads, an Mr. Greeateead adkessend em all John. But sher nivver maadeneeah bother aboot it. And there werenobbut a year apieceatwixt t'lahtle lads i'13

ABOOT PARSONSther aages, an ther were as like as treeapples.Ah axed ther moother yar daah oo sherknawed yanfre t'oother on em, an whatsher called em. An sher said sher went be t'on emcooller o' ther air, an sher called yanSandy, and t' oother Ginger, an t' youngestCarroty. Sher couldn't call onny on emjohn,sher said, becosjohn was ther faathernaame.Mr. Greeateead ad kessened im John bemistak when ee were a bairn.Bud there were anoother woman were abit ower sharp for im. Ee ad kessened urrbaaby "John" as usual. An when ther'dgetteninti t'vestry, ee "says, Let me see,what was the baaby's naame, Missis? "An sher"says, Orrice."An ee began te write it doon, an spellit" oot, O, R, R, I, S, S."An t' woman"says, Noh, Sir, H, O, R,-A, C, E." Ohr dear me! Yes, to be sure; ofH

ABOOT PARSONScourse," Mr. Greeateead"says, Orrice, tobe sure ;one of myfavourite authors. Bud Ahdidn't recognise im joost at the mohment.My stoopidity. Orrice, H, O, R, A, C, E,Ibeg your pardon."Seeah sher gat 'im entered i' t' booke" Orrice," but t' bairn were nivver kessenedOrrice onny mare nor Ah was; ee werekessened John saame as t' oother lads.mind when Dick Crabstick gatD'yerwed what a gahin on there was i' t' choch?Ee's despertard o' earin is Dick, poorfeller, as deeaf as a yat stope, an t' parsoncouldn't mak im ear nowt. Ee "says,Wilttha ev this voman to be thy wedded wife? "An Dick say s, "Eeah?"An t'parson says it looder. An Dick says," Naah, Ah cant tell what yer saah."An t'parson shoots it oot ageean.An Dick tons roond te Jack Smoother,at were t' best man like, an says, " Whatdid he saah. Jack?"IS

ABOOT PARSONSAn Jackfair yilesit oot, reet intiv islooggooal, " Ee says,Wilt tha ev Mary Ann erefor thy wife? "An Dick were a bit stagnaated at beinaxed sike a question as that, yer knaw. Anee"says, Whah, deng it, eye!What AhEe moodd a knawn."coommed o' purpose!16

TROOBBLES OF A BACHELORBON! Ah'll get wed, Ah will Ah seer!Ere Ah've bin ommost a oor tewin anproddin te threead this ere denged needle,te sow a bootton on me troosies; an Ah'vebin bitin at t' threead, an bitin at it ageean,te mak itgan throoff t' ee; an noo, whenAh've getten it throoff, there isn't aneeafon it left te sow t'denged bootton on wiv!Ah's fooast te get wed. That'll be t' endon't. Yan can't fairlydeeahwivoot a womante sow an deeah for yan.Ah used te reckon at Ah soodd nivver getwed. But when yans boottons coomms off,an sike like, it maks yan think different.Ah tried te deeah wivoot gallussies yarbit, an weeared a belt. Bud it was te neeahuse. Soomtahmes it was ower tight be aaf;an when itdidn't feel seeaf like,wasn't ower tightme troosiesAh thowt Ah were

TROOBBLES OF A BACHELORme boottonsgahin te loss em. An see Ah gatfettled, an tak te gallussies ageean. Ah thowtAh'd gettenem on that fasst, an all, atther'd nivver coommoffne mare. Ah'd gettent' shoemakker te put em on for meh wiva bit o' wax end. Bud awivver, this forenoon,Ah were joostliftin a scoottle o 5 tonnupsfrev oonder t' cootter, an off yan on empopsat t' back, an yar gallussyflees awaahoop te !melooggs Ah thowt t' oother mebbewad odd wharle neet awivver, see Ah didn'ttak mich nooatice. Bud, Lor bless me life!when Ah were fodderin t'beasts off shecoomms an all!Ah ad te mak a ooal i' me troosies wime pockit knife, an tie em oopp, weel's Ahcould, wiv a bit o' tar band. An dengit!that's rovven oot an all sen!An noo efter Ah've bin set starvin erea oor wivoot me troosies, an gettent'bleeamed needle threeaded, there isn't bandeneaf te sow wiv, AhVe itten it all off!18

TROOBBLES OF A BACHELORIt'sower bad for owt! Ah sa' n't deeahne mare at em te-neet awivver; ther munif Ah etti weear me Soondah uns te-gan,morn. Ah'll get wed,that's what Ah'lldeeah, an a ne mare on't.Bud Ah decant fairlyknaw wheeah teev.There's Bella Jenkins? A nice mensefullahtle lass. Bud sher's ommost ower yoong.Ther a bit fond like, when ther see yoong.There's John Crampy's widder? Bud she esfower bairns; an neean on em's card aneeafte wark. Nohr, Ah mohant ev urr. There'dbe ower monny mooths te fill fre't startthere. Ah weeant ev urr.What aboot Mary Jaane Boozzak then?Sher's a straange nice lukin lass. Mebbe abit ower fine. Ohr! but sher's getten a despertranty toongue! What, Ah've card ercallin er faather all sooarts, aaf waah doon t'street, becos ee adn't shakken t' snaw ofFnkitchen.is beeats when ee coommed inte t'An when onnybodysaid owt at didn't19

TROOBBLES OF A BACHELORpleease er, Ah've seen er get rid at t' backo' t'looggs iv a minute, an ton as nasty as arotten oonion! 'Twad nivver deeah for me,wadn't that. Ah wadn't ev Mary Jaane i't' oose for allus, was it ivver seeah. Ah'dweear a belt t' rist o' me daahs seeaner anev urr.Wheeah else is there then? Ohr! Blessmah life!Eye,te be seer! Ah'd cleanforgetten! o' cooarse, there's SoosannahMoottoneead! By Lad, eye! An Ah'd cleanforgetten! Noo she's a topper! An Ah'sthink sher'd be despert pleeased te swapp ernaame an all.Eye, a despert nice, andy,menseful stiddywoman. Noott yano' t'bonniest mebbe, but that's nowt. Ah's nobbuta plaan un mesen. Ah care nowt abootthat.What, when Ah coomm te think on't,Ah've allus thowt a deal o' Soosan. It werenobbut t'daah 'foor yisterdah at Ah wasevvin a bit ov a crack wiv er, when sher20

TROOBBLES OF A BACHELORwas makkin ooppt' bootter; an she joostwent on wiv er wark an psalmed awaahte me at t' seeam tahme. A despert goodun te wurrk.An a wayantlass for boottermakkin an rearin pooltry.Sher'll a seeaved a bonny bit an all,willSoosan. Ah's think sher'll ev gahino' fiftypoonnd, mebbe mare, an a bit o' brass isallus andy.Ah mun a Soosan. Ah mun a Soosan.Eye,Bon eye! Go's t' clock? Aaf passt sevenaaf passt seven fahve an twenty minuteste ight Eye,Ah will awivver Ah willawivver Eye Eye Ah '11getme cleeaseon, an Ah'll gan reet awaa an axe er noo,afoor Ah gans te bed. An Ah'll tak t' oardtroosies wi' meh, an sher'll mebbe putt'boottons on for meh.21

A DEEASMENT O' CAWADWHAHAh's nobbut iv a middlinwaah, thank yer.Ah ayant bin realweel sen Ah ad t'Ad it?Eye.influenzy.There was a vasst o' fooaksad it, an Ah garit an all. Ah nivver thowtAh soodd a gettin't naather. Ah's gettente be a oard man, thoo knaws, gahinseventy ight, an Ah thowt Ah were oweroard te tak smit. But awivver Ah war n't.Its a despert smittle thing is t' influenzy.Oo langis't sen Ah ad it? Whah it werejoostaboot Kessmas tahme at Ah started.It coommed on like a bit of a cawad at t'start, thoo knaws, an Ah thowt nowtaboot it. Tak care o' mesen a bit; be allright enoo, thoo knaws; nobbut a deeasmento' cawad. Ah nivver thowt a oardfeller like me would tak smit.When onnybody's getten a22feeaver, or

A DEEASMENT O' CAWADowt at's smittle, ther allus get card fooakste luke efter em, decant ther? Becos therreckon at oard fooaks disn't tak smit. AnAh thowt 't wad be t' seeam wi t' influenzy.Bud oard fooaks taks t'influenzy's weelas yoong uns.There's a oard man doon i't'carr yonder,ee tak smit, an ee's oarder nor me be aboonfower year.Ther thowt itwere gahintefinish im an all, bud ee's getten ower't.Whah ee dis pleean a bit noo an ageeanyit, te be seer, bud ee's i' middlin fairthoo knaws.fettle,Ah was despert bad mcsen. Me eeadwarked, an me back warked, an me beeanswarked. Ah couldn't finnd a eeasy spotneeawaas.Nohr, noott t' fosst daah. T' fosstdaah Ah thowt nowt aboot it, decant Ahtell yer.Ah thowt Ah'd nobbut gettenadeeasment o'cawad. An Ah went oot tefodder t'coo; bud Ah was that wayak,c 23

A DEEASMENT O' CAWADlook yer,Ah ad te tak odden t' wallcoommin back, or Ah soodd a toommledme lengthi' t' yard. An when Ah gat backte t' oose wer sent for t' doctor. An Ahtelled im. An ee says,"It's a woonder yearen't laird 'i t'yard yit, yeowt to be i'bed. Thoo's gettent'influenzy," ee says.See Ah sent for me nevvyte coomman luke efter meh a bit, an ee coommed.Ah nivver thowt Ah soodd a gettent'influenzy.Ah thowt Ah was ower oard tetak smit. Bud awivver Ah warnt. Ahthowt 'twas nowt bud a deeasment o'cawad.Ah 'ink cawads is t'beginnin o'ommost all diseeases, yer knaw. It was acawad at started Mrs. Boomuck te bebadly, afoor sher deed. Sher gat a realsolid deeasment o' cawad, an it fair stagnaateder ooal system.

POOACHINPOOACHIN? Nohr, bless yer life!Ahgin ower that job this monny a daah.Ah did use te de a bit i' me yoonger daahs,Ah weeant saa at Ah didn't. Bud Ah ayantdeean nowt o' t' sooart o' laately.Ah used te ev a lurrcher bitch i' themdaahs at wad a clicked a'are as sharp asonny dogat ivver Ah seed. Anmonny aare, an monny a rabbit that there dog'sfetched for me, eye monny a doozzen.She ad as mich sense, ad that there dog,as ommost onnybodyi' t' village, an a dealmare an soomm. She was a real good un.Bud awivver sher garintiv a trap yar daah ;yan o' them steel uns, yer knaw. An, dengit! it were yanat Ah'd setten mesen for adenged oard 'are iv a edge. An t'dog legtak t'wrang waah, d'yersee? An Ah ad erBy Lad! Ah was put aboot, AhC2 25te shoott.

tellyer.POOACHINAh thowt as mich aboot thatthere dog as Ah did aboot me oahn bairns,varry near.Ah tak t' Vicar dog wi' meh efter that,when Ah could 'tice im oot. Ee was abroon an white spaniel, an as good as aretriever te me. A useful dog very. Thercalled im Sam.Oo did Ah ger im te foller meh, d'yerWhah mah soonn wurrked for t' Vicar,saah ?d'yersee? An ee brote t'dogdoon wiv imte oor oose soomtahmes, an t'dog ad gettente knaw meh middlin weel. An Ah usedte wurrk for im a bit mesen, arvest tahme,an plooggin moock, an sike like, when therwere throng.T' Vicar used te farm is oahn bit o' landi' them daahs; there was aboot fifty yacreon't. Ee used te shoott ower it an all. Budee nivver gat a deal o'gaamedidn't get a deal naather. Bud Ah mebbegat mare an im.26off'n it. Ah

POOACHINBud yardaah. Ah taks me goonn, an Ahgans awaah oopp t'if there was owt asturr.eeadlan' yonderte seeAn enoo Ah seesa coovy o' partridges i' t' Vicar tonnups;that thod field o' is, thoo knaws, at eswots in te year.An tonnups was nobbut apoor crop, an Ah could see t' bods as fair asowt, Ah were varry goodo' seet. See Ahputs me goonn tegither, an Ah parzels awaaoopp at t' back o' t' edge, wharl Ah getsfair ageean em. An Ah lets drahve, an Ahdaffles fahve on em. Tree on em was deead,an t' oothers was daffled, bud roonners,d'yer see? an ther gat awaa amang t'tonnups, an Ah couldn't finnd em.Awivver Ah didn't want te loss t'bods,see Ah gans awaah doon inte t'choch-garthte borrer t' Vicar dog Sam. Ah knawedee'd finnd t' bods sharp aneeaf, Ah'd adim afoor.An Ah didn't like te whistle for t'dog;Ah wasflaad soomm o' t' bairns wad coomm27

POOACHINoot te see wheeah was callin on im; seeAh wows like a cat, d' yer see? An t' dogcom roonnin oot te finnd t' cat; an Ahjoost callsim, an taks im awaa ooppte t'field ageean. An Ah shows im a bod, an Ah"says,Gooah seek, lad." An awaa ee gans,an ee fetched me beeath them tweeah bodsi' less an fahve minutes. An Ah coommsawaah doon; an Ah sends t'dog back.Eye, ee were a clever dog were Sam,an useful very.Ah tried to beg im yar bit,bud it was te neeah use, ther wadn't pairtwiv im. Awivver it was mebbe as weel;Ah borrered im when Ah wanted im, annivver said nowt te neabody,bin mahn, what, Ah soodd a ad t'te paah.an if ee'dlicence28

DROAHVER DICKWHAT d'yersaah? That shippert dogo' droahver Dick's? Yer mean thatwhite un, decant yer,wi' yarblack loogg?Ohr, Dick esn't ad im of a good bit; eeselled im lasstback end.Ee likes a white dog, dis Dick; ee reckonsyer can see em see weel when t'daahsis takkin off at t' back end o' t' year; a dealbetter an yer can a dark coollered un. Budee selled Snawflaake, that yanmeeans.Eye, itat thoowere a bit o' good was that; Ahdid laff when ee telled me aboot it.Soomm fooaks reckons, yer knaw, at DickBud Ah decant knaw. Eeisn't quiet sharp.were sharp aneeaf that tahme, awivver. Eewanted te sell t'dog, d'yer see? becos it advexed im a tahme or tweeah. An ee'dcard tellof a chap ageean Morton yonder,at wanted a shippert dog. See ee taks t'29

DROAHVER DICKtraan, an ee gans awaah te see this erefeller; an ee taks t'dog wiv im. An eelands ooppat t'chap oose, an ee axes te seet' maaster. An t' maaster com oot, an ee" Noo, Dick, what dis tha want?"says,An Dick says," A yer onnybeeasts or owt,maaster, at yer want takkin in te t' markette-morn? "An't maaster says,"Nohr, Dick, A h ayantonny gahin te-morn. Bud that's a straangenice lukin dog thoo's getten. Is ee a goodun?"" Best dog at ivver Ah ad," says Dick,"an thoo knaws Ah've ad soomm good uns.Ah can mak im dee owt ommost."" Wilt tha sell im? " t' feller.says" Sell im! Nohr. What for soodd Ah sellim? " says Dick. " Ah decant want te pairtwiv im.""Wha Ah sadlywant a dog," says t'man, " an Ah like t'Ah'll gi tha aaf a quid30lukes o' that o' tharn.for im."

DROAHVER DICK" Yer ayant onny beeasts or owt for t'market te-morn then,maaster?" says Dick." Noh," ee says,"Ah ayant.Bud whatwilt tha tak for t'dog ? Ah'll gibob. Is ee a good wurrker? "tha fifteen"Eye, ee'll dee owt," says Dick. "Ahweeant tak fifteen bob, nor ighteen bobnaather."" Whah Ah'll gi tha a sovrin then," sayst j man, " if ee's onny good.""Wad yerlike te see im wurrk? " saysDick."Eye, te be seer," ee says.sheep i* that swath yonder;can deeah.""Ah a soommlet's awaah seewhat t'dogSee awaah ther went; t' dog walkin att' sahde o' Dick, d'yersee ? An t'sheepseed em coommin,an sooarter cloostered tegithera bit; straange dog, yer knaw. AnDick " says,Ger awaah by."An awaah ganst'dog, cappedte evsoommat te deeah. An Dick sayste t' man,

sharp like,DROAHVER DICK" Mun Ah tell im te bring aafon em? " An ee shoots oot,"Splet em, dog,splet em."An t'dog roonns in amang t' sheep, anbrings aaf on em ooppte t' maaster as andyas owt.An Dick says, " What d'yer think tethat, noo? "" " Whah," ee says, it's a bit o'good.Ah'll gi tha a sovrin for t'dog."An ee taks oot is posse, ee knawed Dickliked t' sect o' moonny." Weel," Dick says, " Ah ayant addlednowt mich thislasst fortnith seeah far; Ah'llmebbe tak 't."Seeah' t' feller paas Dick t' sovrin; anDick spitson it an putsit intiv is pockit.An ee sayste t' dog, " Thoo mun gan wivim noo, Snawflaake, ee's thee maaster noo;an good loock te yer beeath, an me an all"An awaa ee gans. An t'dog sits doonageeant'man, an lukes efter Dick, like a bairn at32

DROAHVER DICKdisn't knaw whether te laff or te rooar,wharl ee gat oot o' sect. Ee knawed weelaneeaf at Dick ad selled im, an ee'd etti ganwiv im ne mare.An Dick telled me at efter aboot it. Anee says,"T" dog was te neeah use te me.Ee wad roonn in amang t' stock, d'yer see?t' warst fawat a dogcan ev. An ee wad agone on splettin them there denged sheepwharl there was nobbut yan on em left,whether Ah'd telled im or noott. Ah wereweel shoott o' t'dog."33

PARCILSAH decant knaw oo it is, bud a manallus es a mottal objection te oogginowt i' t' naatur of a parcil.Ah 'aate dyinon't mesen, an nivver wad deea if Ah warn'tfooast. It isn't nobbut men; lads is joost t'owt i' t'seeam, ther wceant be seed oogginnaatur of a parcilif ther can elp it; noottoonless it be a bag o' apples, or a bag o'goodies,or soommat at maks it woth therwharl like. An that's what is aboot it.Noo Ah used te wurrk iv a toon wherethere was a vasst o' skeeal lads coommin angooin. An Ah'veeeard em tahmes anageeanwhen ther've gone tiv a shop for owt; anther '11 allus saah, Deeah'tooppsmall seeah'sit'llgan i' me pockit; or, mak it seeah'sit'llgan oopp me wcskit; or, if it's a langishparcil, ther'll tie it onti ther gallussies anev it doon ther troosie leg.Ah yance seed34

PARCILSa lad deeah that wiv a oomberellyad te fetch yamfor is sister. An ee wentwhistlin awaah doon t' street, as contentedat eeas a pig at a swill bookit, becos ee'd gettent' parcil oot o' sect; for all ee ad te walkwiv a stiff leg.Ah nivver seed nowt like it.Lasses is as different as owt. They'll ooggthings aboot wiv 'em be t'oor, an nivvertak a bit o' nooatice. Whah, ther nivver evne pockitsnor nowt, an seeah ther mebbeget used te i'ooggin things ther ands. Anther'll oogg things aboot wiv em when therev ne call; mebbe a empty bag or a mooff;joost oot o' contrairyness.Bud men nivverooggs things i' ther and, if ther can elp it,nor lads naather. Whah, if yer see an oardrooadster wiv is missis on t' rooad,t' man'llbe walkin twee or tree yed oni't' froont,wiv is ands iv is pockits, an t' woman'll beooggin a boonndle be'int.When fosst Ah gat wed mah missis usedte cooax me te fetch urr bits o' things fre't35

PARCILStoon, te seeave urr gahin, d'yersee? O'cooarse yans a bit soft when yanfosst getswed. Bud Ah seean gat stalled o' that job.me off o'dyinAh'll tell yer what stoppedon't.Mah missis sayste me yar Set'dah," There's nowt for thee dinner te-morn,John; wilt tha fetch uz a bit o' beef whentha coomms fre thee wark? "" Eye," Ah"says. Ah'll think on, MaryJaane." Ther call mah missis Mary Jaane,yer knaw. An seeah when Ah'd getten mewark deean, Ah called in at t' butcher shop;an Ah axes im te coott meh a bit o'beef,aboot tweeah poonnd. See ee cootts meh anice bit o' steeak; an ee lapsitooppiv a bito' newspaaper; an Ah taks it; an Ah gets onme bicycle, an awaa Ah gans.An Ah'd gettenaboot aaf waah yam, an Ah begins tethink Ah adn't getten odden as mich meeatas Ah ad when Ah started. An t'paaperad getten a bit wet like, i' me and. See Ah36

PARCILSlukes doon, an, by Lad! t' bit o' steeak adall rovven oot o' t'paaper boddom, an werevarry near traalin on t'groonnd. Ah nobbutad odden yar end on't an t'other end wasstritchin awaah doon be t' pedals.An therewas aboot fowerteen dogs roonnin eftermeh.Weel, Ah joompsoff me bike, an Ahwere fair bet te knaw what te deeah wi'tbit o' beef. It wadn't gan back inti t'paaperneeawaahs. T' paaper was all rovven an wet,yer knaw. Weel, Ah sayste mesen, thiscaps owt! An Ah darn't purit i' mepockit. There was neeah paaper, d'yersee?An Ah joost steead an hiked at it,an t'denged stooff was gerrin langer an langer.An Ah says, What, Ah sail etti deeah soommatwi't, or else Ah sail loss t' lot on t' rooad.See Ah pullsme cap off; it was yano' themtweeah peeaked uns; an Ah putst' bit o'meeat i' me cap, an Ah nipsme cap te-37

PARCILSas fasst as Ahgither, an Ah meead for yamcould gan.An when Ah gets yam, Ah gans inti t'oose, an Ah swaals t'me cap onti t' teeable.loompo' meeat oot o'An t' missis says," Ohr, yer moockything!"An Ah says," Decant call me, MaryJaane, or Ah'll swaal it at yer," Ah says." Ah nivver ad sike a gahin on wi owt, i'all mah life, as what Ah've ad wi that theredengedstooff. An Ah'll nivver fetch anootherbit o' meeat iv a i'paaper ageean thiswolld, not for neeabody, nor mesen naather."An Ah nivver a deean. An that's whatisaboot it.

THE YALLER WAGINETTEDIS tha knaw that yeller waginette atoard Tommy Bellus used te drahveo' fair Moondahs? Weel Ahinti Pickeringwas rahdin i' that there thing yar Moonah ;it was a moocky wet daah, an wer ad t'top on. An there was me, an Sam Bellman,an is missis; yer mebbe knaw urr? a bigwoman, weighs aboot fowerteen steean,wiv a riddish feeace. Whah there was me,an urr, an Sam, an Jack Filter, an SarahAnn Radler, an Lizzie Mood, urr at warLizzie Jiggins, an there was GooargeBugsher.An wer'd allgonedown te t'market o'this ere Moondah, d'yersee? It were i'Norvember, joosta bit efter Martmas. Ahad soomm ogs te sell; ad ther fetched a fairprice an An all. Bugsher wanted te see alad at ee were gahinte ev for wagginer;D 39

THE YALLER WAGINETTEan t' rist on em were gahin for yar thingan anoother. Mary Bellman said at thingswas cheaper at Pickering an ther war att'village shop, an sher wanted soommgrosseries, seeah sher'd putten off t' weshwharl Tuesdah, an coommed wi Sam. Anthere was a middlin thrangi' t' toon, anwer gat squandred aboot, dyin wer bits o'jobs, an Ah seed nowt o' neean on emwharl fahve o'clock, t' tahme atTommywere gahinte start off back. An that wast' warst parto' t* job.Wer'd all getten inti t' waginette, anad gettenas far as t' raalwaah crossin, yerknaw, an "Gooarge Bugsher says, ByGoom! Ah've left mah cooat at t' BlackSwan; Ah mun awaah back and fetch it."oot.Seeah wer stoppedt' cart te ler im ger" ThooBud awivver, Tommy says,needn't teger oot, Gooarge," ee says," Ah'll ton roond, an we'll all gan back;itweeant tak uz lang."40

THE YALLER WAGINETTEAn seeah wer did deeah. An Gooargefan is cooat; an Tommy gar a drink; anther gat in ageean. An Tommy were joosttonnin t' mere roond, an there were amoorter bike com peffin by, joost at t'seeam tahme, d' yer see? nassty stinkinthings! an varry nigh flaad t' oss te deead.An sher gav a greeat loonge roond all of asooddent, an wemmled t' oard waginettean ersen clean ower onti t' coarser; answaaled uz allyan amangtilt o' t' cart, d' yersike a gahint' oother inti t'see? Ah nivver seedon i' mah life. We were alllegs an airms! Soommbodygreeat boonch ower t' looggooalcatched me awiv isAn itfeeat, an meead all fair ring ageean.was as dark as pick,wer could see nowt.An Gooarge Bugsher went eead fosst intiMary Bellman, an sher thowt it were urrSam. An sher gater airms roond is neck;sher were that flaad, d' yersee? An shersays, "Ohr, Sam, wer allgahin02 41te be

THE YALLER WAGINETTEkilled! An shure mah back's brokken.Give uz a kiss an saah good-bye lad; antak care o' t' bairns if thoo isn't killed. Ehdear!"An Gooarge gav er a kiss, like a man,an nivver said nowt. An shernivverknawedwaah yam, an then eewharl wer gat aaftelled er.Awivver wer gat crawled oot efter abit. An neean on uz was nowt mich t'warse. An t' oss an t'waginettewas allrightan all.Bud t' warst on it was, Ah was o' fire!Sam Bellman were smookin a cigar at t'tahme, d' yersee? An when t' cartwemmled ower soommat catched im at t'back o' t' eead, d' yer see? An t' cigar flewoot o' is mooth an let i' mah pockit. Ano' cooarse Ah didn't knaw nowt at all abootit, d' yer see? An it bont a greeat ooal i'ootsahde an all, anmah cooat lahnin, an t'me weskit an all; Ah nivver fan t'denged42

THE YALLER WAGINETTEthing wharl Sam were laatin for't, an itwere bonnin all t' tahme. By Goom ! it didmak a mess o' me, Ah tell yer!Ah soodd think wer'd be better an aaf anoor afoor wer gatfettled an off ageean.Awivver wer did get off aboot a quarterte six. An wer ad te laat oopp wer parcils,weel's wer could, on t' rooad.Bud wer gata laff oot o' t'mis'ap eftcrall, at leeast soomm on uz did; an that weret' best o' t' lot.Mary Bellman, Ah tell yer, ad been gerrinsoomm grosseries; anamang urr parcils sherad yano' them tweeah poonndtins o'treeacle, yan o' them wiv a sooart o' baccytin lid, an pented green. An sher ad it ont' seeat ageean er. An soommoo or oother,aather when t'waginette wemmled ower,or soomm tahme at efter, this ere can o'treeacle gat laad on it sahde. An t' lid comoff. An all t' treeacle ran oot onti t' seeat,d' yer see? And Mary gatset doon fair43

THE YALLER WAGINETTEamang itd' yer see? An enoo sher beginste feel soommat a bitdampy like, wheresher were set,finnds oot what were t'an sher putser and doon anmatter.Bud, awivver, sher warnt gahinte saahnowt aboot it; sher thowt sher'd paahoot for lettin on er kissGooarge Bugsherim i'steead o' Sam, d' yer see? An ee weresitting at t' oother sahde o' t' waginetteageean urr Sam at t' tahme.Seeah "Mary says, Ah'll swapp thaseeats, Gooarge. Ah want te sitageeanSam."" Weel," says Gooarge; an ther swappedseeats,d* yer see?An Gooarge nivver knawed nowt wharlt' treeacle began te soompthrooffistroosies.An Mary ad bin laffin tiv ersen that michwharl sher'd dropped off te sleep,were snoorin like a pig.an sher"By Lad!" Gooarge says tiv issen;44

THE YALLER WAGINETTE"Ah'll gett'top sahde o' soombody ower"Ah bet!this job yit,See ee whispers across te Sam, " Swappseeats wi me, Sam, for a lark, wharl yureMissis is asleep.Sher'll nivver knaw whensher wakkens, an sher'll mebbe gimehanoother kiss."" Ah's willin," says Sam; anther chaangedower, d'yer see?An Gooarge noodges Sam missis wiv isairm, efter a bit,an sher wakkened wiv ajoomp; sher thowt t'waginette adtoommled ower ageean.An Gooarge says,"A yer brokkenonny mare back beeans then, Missis?"An sher " says,Whah itsGooarge! Ahthowt 'twere Sam at were set ageean me.Where is tha Sam?"" Ah's ere," says Sam.An" Gooarge says, Ee's set ower yonder,Mary, where me an thoo's been set.'"45

THE YALLER WAGINETTE" Whah that's ower bad!" she says." Sarn, thoo greeat dafty, thoo's sittin allt'amangtreeacle ats coommed oot o' t' tin.Ah've bin set in't mesen, an see es Gooargeere.'5An there ther war, all t' tree on em, allstookk ooppte ther necks wi treeacle! Anthere were greeat cobwebs o' t'nastyclarty stooff all across t' carriage boddom.Ah dursent tell yer what Sam said.

em, d' yer see? 47ANN RADLER' TEETHAH'D clean forgetten te tell yer abootSarah Ann Radler' teeth when t'yaller waginetteas well start at t'beginnintelloo sher gatem fosst.went ower. Bud Ahmooddo' t' teeal anWeel, yer knaw, Sarah Ann ad lostallurr teeth oot afoor sher were fahve antwenty.An sher were allus freeatin abootbecos sher said sher were gahinte lukeit,like a oard woman afoor sher war aoardwoman, d' yer see?Bud yar daah, mebbe seven or ightweek afoor this ere Moondah at Ah weretellin' yer aboot, there were a travellerfeller fre Leeds com roond t' village. Anee ad a bag full o' them fausse teeth, likewhat yer see i'themjglass caases at t' ootsahdeon a drooggist shop. Ee was sellin on

ANN RADLER' TEETHAn ee appenedte call at Sarah Annoose. An Sarah Ann telled im at sher werepleeasedfit er a pair in,at ee'd called. And' yer see?sher gatWhah ee tried er wiv a vasst o'an neean on em was a varry goodfit.im tepairs,Budawivver, sher said sher would keep yarpair, at was t' nearest sher could getshap'nte t'er mooth. An t' man said ee'd beroond ageean aboot t' New Year, an ifsher didn't finnd em suit like, ee'd swapp emfor er, d* yer see? An seeah sher kep em.An for all ther were a bit louse iv er mooth,an clicked a bit when sher were chowin ervittals, sher gat on fairlyweel wiv em. Anther meead er luke yoong ageean,an thatwere t' mairn i' urr thinkin.Ah forget what sher'd gin for em;seven an six, mebbe; or mebbe mare; oorMartha 'd tell yer.Ah knaw it were a goodbit. T' oahnly objection at Sarah ad tivem was, at fittin louse like, sher were a

ANN RADLER' TEETHbit flaad o' swallerin on em when sher wereasleep, yerknaw. Seeah when sher wentte bed sher ad a bit o' band tiv em, anfasstened em te t' bed end.Weel, Ah was tellin o'yer,when t'waginette wemmled ower o' this ereMoondah, Sarah Ann Teeth toommled ootd' yer see? An sher didn't nooatice joostat t' tahme, sher were ower stagnaated.Bud enoo, when wer'd getten varry nearyam, sher finnds it oot. An sher says,"Ohr! Ah'v lost mah teeth oot! whereivver a ther getten teeah?"An wer all started laatin aboot for em,an wer couldn't finnd em onnywheres. AnBugsher said sher'd mebbe swallered em.But sher"said, Nohr, sher wad a nooaticedif sher'd swallered em, sher were shure sheadn't."An then wer strookk a match or tweeah.An sher says," Ger ooppall on yer, an seeif onny on yer's sittin on em." 49

ANN RADLER' TEETHSeeah wer all gar oopp, an there therwar clagged onti Sam Bellman troosies!Ther'd bin amang t' treeacle, cT yer see?An Sam gives em tiv er, an sher lapsemoopp iv a bit o' paaper,an putsem iv erbasskit.An Jack Filter says," Thoo'll ev amiddlin sweet tooth noo, Sarah Ann,awivver."An sher " says,Whah Ah sail wesh em,when Ah gets em yam. A sooppo' watterweeant ot em, Ah's think, will it? Ahdecant want te spoil em, yer knaw," sher"says, or else t' feller weeant chaange emfor meh, when ee coomms ageean at t' NewYear."

MISFOTTENSa despert queer thing at misfottensIT'S nivver coomms yanat yance, bud therallus seeam te coomm toommling yan on t'top o' t'oother. That there lahtle ditty atoor skeealgaffer doughter used tesingaboot Kitty o' Colleraan, were aboot rightan all. It were soommat like this ere :"As beautiful Kitty yar moornin weretrippinWiv a pitchero' milk to the fair o'Colleraan,When sher seed me she stoommled,Urr pitcherit toommled,An all the sweet budder milk watteredthe plaan."Ah forgets oo itgooahs on, bud awivvert'feller gat set doon ageean er, an telleder noott te freeat aboot it, an ee gav er akiss or tweeah te mak er pleeased.

MISFOTTENSWeel, yer knaw, that were nobbut t'beginnino' that there lass troobble. Sherused te drop a pitcher whenivver sher seeda nice lukin yoong man coommin along t'street efter that. An iv a week or a fotnithsher'd brokken varrynear all t' pitchersthere was i' t' toon.It allus is seeah varry near, misfottensnivver dis coomm single.Whah t' oother daah Mary Lickabywere tellin me aboot soomm mis'aps at adappenedtiv urr t' Moondah afoor t' lasst.Ah couldn't elpbud laff when sher telledmeh; bud Ah darn't let er see at Ah werelaffin, sher wad o* bin ranty;Ah said menooase kittled.Dis tha knaw Mary?Sher's middlin foright, bud thin, yer knaw, despert thin ;anwhen sher weears a cooarse appron sherAnlukes like a stackprod iv a taaty bag.sher es black air, fair shiny, an sher weearsyan o' them sooart o' pig52nets all ower it.

MTSFOTTENSAh nivver fancied em mesen. Bud therseeave a deal o'brooshin.If yer think on, it were a despert ardfrost o' Moondah week, ardest frost wer'vead te an year, Mary were weshin. An sher'dtaan a basskit o' cleease oot te t' lahn, d' yersee! An coommed in ageean, an when sherwent out wi t' oother basskit aboot an oorefter, t' cleease on t' lahn was neean on emdry,bud ther were frozzen as ard as ayak bork.An Mary were real vexed, yer knaw,sher wanted te be on wi' t' wark. Awivversher thowt sher moodd as weel ingt'oother cleease oopp oot o' t'rooad; an sherwent te shift t' chair at sher ad te reeacht' lahn, an t' chair were frozzen fasst te t'groonnd. Weel, look yer, sher couldn'tshift t' chair, raave as sher wad. Seeahwhat dis sher deah bud getset doon on'tte warm it an melt it oot o' t' frozzen snaw.An er skets ad getten wet fret' weshin toobb,53

MISFOTTENSd'yer see ? an o' cooarse ther all fraaze ardonti t'chair seeat, an clamped Marytiv itas fasst as a skeeal lad tiv a bit o' shoemakkerwax.Whah, yer knaw, that were aneeaf tevex onny woman of aweshing daah, noowarn't it ?Ah decant knaw oo lang sher was frozzenon te t' chair boddom. Sher moodd abin there wharl t' thow set in, if yan o'tfarm lads adn't coommed by an prahzed eroff wiv a shoovvle.An then sher ad te gan an t'get dinnerfit. Weel, Lickaby nivver com in tiv isdinner. An Mary were put aboot ageean.Sher thowt ee'd gonete t' Pooblic. Anfower o'clock com, an ee nivvercom foris teeah. An fahve o'clock com, an eeadn't coommed in. An it were aboot dark.An Mary were fair craazed.An sher left t' lahtle bairn i' t' oose, anwent oot te laat t' maaster. An sher went54

intiMISFOTTENSt'wotchat where William were diggina well. An when sher gat nigh and shereeard im shootin on er, an sher roonns owertiv im. An there t' daft eead was, doon i' t'ooal. Ee'd bin graavin an graavin awaah,wi t'gablock an dig an shoovvle, d'yer see ?An swaalin t' moock oot, an swaalin on'toot, an nivver reckonin o' nowt bud gerrint' ooal deeaper, wharl ee fan issen walledin te t' ooal. An ee couldn't ger oot neeahwaahs ;knaw. Anee es agammy leg, yeree were buried ower eead ;reeach t'top nowt near and ;an ee couldn'tan there eewar, beealin like a bull at's left i' t' field atmilkin tahme. An there ee ad bin for oors,an neabody nigh aneeaf and te ear im,wharl Mary com oot te laat im. An eewere starved wi cawad, an starved wian all.congerAwivver, Mary gat a sty oot o } t' staggathan gar im oot, an ther went off backte t' oose. An what cappedt' lot was, atE 55

MISFOTTENSwhen ther gat te t' oose ther fan t' doerfasst, an ther couldn't gerin. T' lahtle bairnad shootten t' deer to, fre t' insahde, anshotten t' latch, d' yer see ?An t' maaster, vexed an starved as eewas, ad te gan awaah back te t' wotchatfor t'sty,an set itoopp ageean t' chaamberwinder, an climm in an doonstairs i' t' dark,anoonsneckt'doer. An,bon! if ee didn't slipdoon t' stairan toommle of is rig gahinEe ad soomm snaw balled on t'steps!eel ofis beeat, an ee sholled on it, an slippedoot at t' reeat ;bud ee didn't ot issen.Noo warnt that a bonny gahin on for yarcletch o'daah ? Ah calls it a real goodmisfottens, what?An lasst March there were Bob Medlarbairns ad mezzles an moomps an kingcoffall at seeam tahme. An their coopicked er calf amangit all !

PIGJOBBINTHOO knaws Charlie Chawdibag,pigjobber o' Boddle, mebbe ? Whah oorparson ad a lahtle pig te sell, an ee telledCharlie aboot it. An Charlie said ee'd begahin by wi' t' cart i' t' moornin, an ee'dcall in an ev a luke at it. An see i' t' moorninee called in an telled t'sarvant gellte tellt' maaster at ee'd called te see that therelahtle pig.An t'parson com oot an showed im t'pig isself an ee reckoned ee'd tak a ;guineafor't, d' ycr see ?An Charlie lukes t'pig ower, an ee says," Ah'll gi tha ighteen bob for im, sirr."isn'tAn t'parson says, "Naah, naah, thatt'price o' t' pig, Charlie, and thooknaws it isn't. Thoo mun mak meh abetter bid nor that.""Ighteen bob. Ah'll gi tha ighteenE2 57

PIGJOBBINbob," says Charlie, "Ah weeant gi tha nemare."" Splett' difference then," sayst'parson,"an gi meh nineteen an six.""Ighteen bob," Charlie says. "Pigs isnobbut a poor traade joost noo.""Mak it nineteen then," sayst'parson."Ah'll tell tha what Ah'll deeah, sirr,"ee says, "Ah'll gi tha ighteen an six, anthoo mun gimeh sixpence ageean.Ah"cant deeah ne mare nor that ?" Whah that's joostt' seeam thing," sayst'parson."Naah itisn't," says Charlie.An seeah ther settled it. An Charlie paadim t' brass, an gat is sixpence ageean.An ee says,"Ah mun leeave t'pig erewharl te-morn, maaster. Mah spot'sthatthroossen oopp wi pigs, Ah ayant neeawaahste put this ere pig at present.""Ohr, that'll be all right, Charlie," sayst' parson. An awaah Charlie gans.An t' next58

PIGJOBBINmoornin t'parson says tiv is man, " CharlieChawdibag'llbe coommin forthat therelahtle pig soommtahmete-daah, John,thoomun elpim te itger inti t' cart.Bud Charlie nivver com ;ee adn't anooation o' coommin ;noott that daah awivver,nor t'ee could leeave t'next naather. Ee reckoned at iflahtle pig where ee war,for a fortnith or tree week, wiv is feeatoonder t'parson teeable like, ee could maka bit mare brass oot on't, d' yer see?An o' cooarse, t' parson were fair vexedat Charlie nivver com te tak t'pig awaah,an im boonn te feed im all t' tahme. Ansee at tree week end ee fan anoother buyer,an ee selled that there lahtle pig for ightan twenty shilling.Charlie calledWeel, as loock wad ev it,t'varry next daah te tak t' pig yam. Ant'parson com oot an ee telled Charlie, weelas er could bein a parson, what ee thowton im like. An ee telled im at ee'd kep59

t'PIGJOBBINpig wharl yisterdah, an ee couldn't keep't ne langer,an ee'dselledimtesoommbodyselse. It warn't likelyat ee were gahintekeep a pig for soommbodyselse for tree weekfor nowt. An ee wanted shoott on't, anseeah, whah ee'd selled it. An there wereCharlie ighteen shillin back ageean.An Charlie luked a bit stagnaated at thatd' yer see? ee seed ee'd bin a bit sookked inbe a parson.Bud awivver ee says," Naah, Maaster,Ah ga tha ighteen an six for that therelahtle pig, an Ah mun ev ighteen an sixback ageean."" Ohr, bud," t'parson says,sixpence ageeanat t' tahme." Ah ga tha" Eye, wer knaw all aboot that," Charlie"says.What didn't Ah tell yer at t' tahmeat that warnt t' seeam thing? That theresixpence ad nowt at all te deeah wi t'priceo' t'pig, d'yer see? That were a loockpenny.60

An whether t'PIGJOBBINparson seed or noott, Ahdecant knaw, but Charlie gat is ighteen ansix. An ee reckoned ee didn't care, ee'dmeead sixpence oot o' t'denged pig awivver .There a queer thing is a pig, an yan caneeasy get teean in wiv em. An ther aatherallmoonney, or else yer can't givem awaah.Bud Charlie Chawdibag's a despert goodjoodge of a pig, ee's bin amang em all is life,d'yer see? An he nivver losses nowt at em.Ee knaws oo te ger em fat an all. Ahaxed im yar daah oo ee gat em on see fasst." Whah, yer see," ee " says,Ah nivverkeeps a pig lang mesen, as fasst as Ah getsem Ah wants shoott on em, an ther ettiimprove sharp. See Ah gives em wots, an ao'soopp skim milk."" Wots?" Ah says."Eye, wots," ee says." D' yer croosh em then? " Ah says." Naah, croosh em? Naah, let em crooshem thersens thaa can croosh em weel61

PIGJOBBINanecaf for thersens. Ther like owttechamp,dis a pig,"ee says."An t' wots maks emdry, d' yer see? An then ther t'soopp skimmilk, an ther gan awaah like smack, ifther've onny growaboot em. Ther's nowtgets em on see fasst as wots an a soopp o'skim milk. Soomm fooaks '11 tell yer maaze,but Ah givesmahn wots an a o'soopp skimmilk.62

A ROMANCEOARD Gooarge Bannick's getten wedageean! Ee es, Ah seer. EC'S wed oardMolly Mink. It's a middlin bit sen beeathon em coott ther froont teeth, an a middlinbit sen ther lost em an all;Ah durst bet asovrin at ther adn't better'n fower teethbetwixt em on t' weddin daah, if ther adfower. Ee were seventy-fahve, an she wereseventy-two, sohr yer may knaw. Ah forget1t exact daat atGooarge fosst wife deed,bud Ah'll ev a luke at t'card when Ah getsyam; wer gat a card at t' tahme, an oorSelina es it in a fraame ageean urr bed, seeAh can eeasy get te knaw. It'll be tree yearsen,awivver; Ah knaw be Merriman Dollermissis, she deed joosta year sen coommKessmas Daah.Ah was at urr funeral, an Gooarge wasthere an all, an we were i' t'choch-garth

A ROMANCEa bit afoor tahme, d' yero'Tommy, t'see? An Ah mindsaxton, pointin oot a spot teGooarge next tiv is missis graave. An eesays, "That'll be yure bit o' groonnd, maaster,when yer want it, if yer decant ganforeign. It's a despert steeany bit," Tommysays. "Ah gatommostacart leead o' steeansoot when Ah buried yure missis."An Ah knaw sher'dbin buried aboontwo year then.Awivver,this ere Mrs Mink, at Gooargees wed, adn't bin i' t' toon o' fifty year.Sher'd gone te Stockton a sarvant lass, anad gettenwed there. An sher'd lived thereivver sen, wharl er usban deed, an a bit efter.An sher com back te t'toon a visitin lasstJuly.An it werean ee were fair teean oopp wiv er.then at Gooarge seed er,Ee seed Merriman Doller yar daah, anee passest' tahme o' daah wiv im, an axesoo ee war. An Merriman says," Whah,Gooarge, Ah's nobbut iv a middlin waah,

A ROMANCEthank yer.Ah ayant bin fairlywhat yanmoodd call weel sen mah missis deed."" Whah, Merriman," Gooarge says," Ah'll tellyer what it is," ee says, "afoorthoo's bin a widaher aaf as long as Ah ev,thoo'll feel soommat rollin aboot in ere."An ee putsis and tiv is sahde where eethowt is'eart wad be." Ah sail? " ee says. " Whah what is t'like then, Gooarge? "" Whah," Gooarge says," it's soommatlike loove; an second loove's warse be aaf tebard an fosst."That were what t' soft oard daft eeadsaid. Merriman telled meh issen. An thenee went strightawaa an axed oard MollyMink te wed im. An she were as soft asee war, an seeah ther gat axed at t' Chochat t'it.Soondah efter.Gooarge's doughter were caazed abootEe'd telled er at sher could live wiv emseeam as allus, an mak it er oham, bud sher65

A ROMANCEwadn't etti be t' missis. An sher didn't likethat d' yer see? An sher said sher warnt gahinte live wiv em, ther mun shift for thersens.An sher didn't naather. Sher went awaahte Middlesbro' t' daah 'foor t' weddin, wit' bit o' brass atsher'dmeeadatdrissmakkin,an started a lodgin oose, an sher's there yit.Ah went in te see Gooarge an is missislasst Set'dah neet. An ther were beeath onem set, yanat tcah sahde o' t' fire an t' ootherat t' oother. An Ah wished em good loock.An ther gav meh a o'glassfooal's foot wahnean a bit o' spice ceeak.An Gooarge sayste me, " Thoo knaws,Thomas," ee says, " Ah cooarted this erewoman better'n fifty year sen . An then mahfosst wife, bless er, com inti t'toon, an Ahtak a fancy tiv urr, d' yer see? An Ah gavower gahin wi Mary ere. An Mary wentoffte Stockton an gat wed there ersen, anAh nivver seed er ne mare wharl a bit sen,when sher com ere a-visitin. An then t*66

A ROMANCEcard loove wakkened ageean.An secondloove's warse be aaf te bard an fosst,"it, Mary?isn'tt' daft oard loobber says. " Anmah missis were gone, bless er, an Marywere left a widder an all," ee says," seeAh thowt at t' best waa at Ah could compensaater wad be te wed er. An Ah adeean. An noo sher mun tryte fillpleeace,bless er."Martha

JIMMY WATTERFIELDDID yer knaw card Jimmy Watter-_ field? Nohr it ud be afoor yurePoor oard Jimmy, antahme, Ah reckon.poor oard Betty an all, ther were a deeacentoard coople, bud ther've been deead thismonny a year noo.Ther used te live at Aaslaby, i' that therelahtle thacked oose at steead at t' reet andsahde as t'yer gan ooppstreet. Bud t' oose esbin rahved doon this good bit, an them twonew uns belt i' t' spot.Ther lived iv a quarry ooal fosst whenther com. Ther couldn't ger a oose, d' yersee?t'Seeah ther meead a sooart of a spoti'firm ooal of an oard lahme kill, at top o'Butcher wood yonder, an belt oopp t'froontwi louse steeans. Fooaks said ther livedmairnly o' prickly-backed ochins i' themdaahs. Ah've eeard tell at ther used te68

JIMMY WATTERFIELDcoovver em oopp middlin thick wi claah, anem iv a wood fire te rooast. An whenputther were deean Betty would crack t' claahoff'n em, an all t' skin an t' prickles comoff wiv it, d' yersee? an left a nice bit o'white meeat, mare like a rabbit an owt.Seeah ther tell me; Ah nivver tried emmesen. Bud that's t' waa atJimmy an Bettylived, when fosst ther com, afoor ther wentinti that there lahtle thacked oose. Eeliked a bit o' gardin did Jimmy,an ee wasstraangely fond of a pollyanthus.Ther used te set greeat store, an all,ona stooffed dookk at ther ad iv a glass caasei't' passage.T' dookk warn't nowt mich teluke at, yer knaw, bud she ad tree legs,that were t' straange thing aboot it. OardJimmytelled me at where ee com fraahthere were a big square pound i' t' village;it were joosta bit oot o' t' village, awivver.Ansoommo't'yoong men used te gan thereof a Soonndah efterneean, an ther'd tak a

JIMMY WATTERFIELDdookk apiece wiv em, d' yersee? an ther'dev dookk raaces across this ere pound.An yar daah Jimmy'missis bowt a settino* dookk eggs; an sher set em oonder ancard clockin en; an yan on em etched ootwi tree legs.An sher telledJimmy abootit, an sher axed im if she were te kill 't,d' yer see?An Jimmy says," Kill 't, missis? dengneeah! What for wad yer kill 't? T' poorlahtle bod esn't deean thee ne arm. Thoomun tak care on't, an rear itmebbe mak meh a bit o'oopp, an Yllbrass efter a bit.An decant thoo saah nowt te neeabodyaboot it, dis tha ear?"An sher did rear it an all, an nivver saidnowt aboot it naather; an that were rctherstraangefor a woman. Bud sher were a biti' them daahs. Whah sherflaad o' urr Jimallus war a bit flaad on im; ee were a edstrongsooart of a feller.Weel, awivver, yar Soonndah when this70

JIMMY WATTERFIELDere bod ad getten big aneeaf, Jimmy getsa bit o' band, an ec gets odden t' dookk, anee ties that there extry leg oopp oot o' seet,d' yer see? An ee taks er awaah doon te t't'pound amang oothers. An when ee'dputten t' dookk into t' watter te raace, eeslips t' band, d' yer see?An soommbody says,Off. An ther letlouse o'ther dookks, an awaah ther went,across t'pound, te t' meeat troughat therallus ad at t' oother sahde, wi yan on emscatterin meeat in an callin o' t' dookks. AnJimmy' dookk, at were paddlin wi tree legsageean t' oothers tweeah, gans gallopingower t' watter, an coommed in varry neartwo yed an a aaf afoor onnyo' t' oothers.An Jimmy wan t'It were asweepsteeak.bob apieceat ther'd paad, an ther wereseven on em raacin, see ee meead sixboban seeaved is ohan, at t' fosst gan off,besahde what ee'd betten on this ere dookk.An sher wan im monny a poonnd at efter.F 71

JIMMY WATTERFIELDAn neeabody nivver gatte knaw at isdookk were a tree legged un, Neeabody'dnivver eeard tell o' sike a thing, d' yer see?An Jimmyallus tied t'leg oopp ageean asseean as ivver sher com oot o' t' watter,wharl ee gat er yam. Bud ee didn't ettideeah that for lang naather. T' dookk gatte knaw ersen at sher ad te od t' extry legoopp when sher warn't i t' watter, an sherallus did deeah. An yer couldn't tell, whensher were walkin aboot, at sher warn't joostlike onny oother dookk. Ee used te be flaadat sher'd drop t' leg at a orkard tahme, angivim awaah like. Bud sher nivver diddeeah, sher allus thowt on.Jimmyraaced that there dookk for twoyear, an then ee left t' spot, an brote t' dookkawaah wiv im. An t' dookk deed efter thercom te Aaslaby, an seeah te compensaatt' dookk for all t' brass sher 'd addled im,ee gater stooffed, an put iv a glass caase,an Ah seed itmonny a tahme.72

JIMMY WATTERFIELDEe went te t' Union when Betty deed,did Jimmy. Ee'd getten tebe ighty yearoard an passt wurrk, d' yer see? Bud ee gatwrang yance,when ee were i' t' Union.Ee'd strookken an felled anoother oardman at were in wiv im yardaah. An thercalled im oopp afoor t' Booard. An t'magistraattelled im at ee owt to be shammedon isself." A oard man like you," ee says," tonned ighty,strikin anoother oard manfor shaame!"" Whah, t' nassty oardloobber! "Jimmy"ee adn't neeah business te saah te melike im,says,what ee did saah. Ah wadn't stan it freneeah man. An if ee saysowt o' t' sooartte me ageean Ah'll fell im ageean, an Ahwaa deeah if Ah were nahnty yearoard anim a oonderd!"Seeah ther ad en te pairti' t' Union.Ee were allus a bit edstrong were Jimmy.F2 73

TENGEDAH were brekkin steeans yar daah, ont'igh rooad, aboot a mahle aboonPickering.It's a ispoor job rooad mendin! Thernobbut ga meh thotteen poonnd for dyinon em, fosst when Ah started. Bud, awivver,when Ah tooke em on ageeanlasst year,Ah telled em Ah wanted a bit mare brassfor t' job.te me, ee says,An t' Chairiman o' t' Booard says" Whah, Jaames, wer nivverev paahed ne mare nor thotteen poonndfor them rooads, an Ah decant seewhywer soodd deeah noo."" Weel," Ah says," Ah'll tellyer whatit is, gentlemen,Ah ev six mahle o' rooadte fettle, wi t'bye-rooads, an Ah ev ightytoonn o' whinston te brek, an asmonnyageean o'74lahmston; an a man can't fairly

TENGEDfinnd it iv is eart te deeah 't for t'moonny,Ah seer ee cant."An see, efter a bit o' talk betwixt em,ther 'greed te gimeh fifteen poonnd. AnAh tak em on ageeanat fifteen poonnd.Bud it isn't a deal, noo is't.Awivver, o' this ere daah, Ah werebrekkin them there steeans, an Ah eeard agreeatclatter o' osses feeat coommin doont' rooad. An Ah lukes oopp an Ah sees BillyBoggart coommin full gallop along camt'sahde.An Ah" shoots, Noo, Billy,wheers thoogahin t' sike a fullock?"" For t' doctor," ee says." What's " wrang? Ah shoots." Tommy,"ee says,"Tommy Wheeah?" Ah shoots."Tommy o' " t' Yatts," ee says, ee'sgetten tenged."" What wiv? " Ah shoots." Tenged wi bees," ee says.75

TENGEDWheer aboots? " Ah shoots." All over is eead," ee shoots. An ee'dgetten varry nigh oot o' sect. " An isfeeace is as blue as a whetston," ee says.An awaah ee gans, full brast, doon tePickeringfor t' doctor.An enoo Ah sees t' doctor rahdin awaahoopp te Tommyoose. An when ee comback Ah axed im oo Tommy war." Tommy?"ee"says, There's nowt t'matterwiv im. Ee were swarmin soommbees, an ee gat tenged on isfeeace; an isblue bag.missis ad bin roobbin im wi t'An that daft feeal Billy Boggart com in anseed im; an ee joost axed what were t'matter, an t'missis telled im atTommy adgetten tenged; an ee com gallopinoff forme withoot anoother wod."An t' best on it was poor oard Tommyad t' doctor bill te paah. Ee groommleddespert when ee gat t' bill; an ee telled t'doctor at ee owt te a sent it in te Billy.

isTENGEDBud t' doctor says," Naah," ee says,Billy nobbut did it oot o' t' goodness ofeart.'An Tommy " says,Nowt o' t' sooart;nowt o' t' sooart; goodnesso' is eart bedenged! " "ee says. Ee's deean it oot o' t'daftness of is eead! "Ah knaw a feller at were lukin oot fora nice soft spot te sit doon an geta bit o'dinner in yar daah. An ee gat set doon fairon t'top on a wapse nest! Bud ee didn'tsitthere for lang.Ther seean let im knawaboot it.77

ME FAATHER' TROOSIESME an me two broothers were gahinte Sinniton lasst Moondah 'd be afotnith sen. Ah ad te tak a pairo' troosieste Gaabriel Stitch, t* taalor, yer knaw. Ee'dmeead em for me faather, an ee'd meeadem a bit ower stright, d' yer see? An whenme faather put em on o' Soondah forenoon,for t' fosst tahme,eefanit oot at ther wadn'tfairly meet roond is waast, d' yersee? Ee'dgetten a bit stooter sen ee ad is lasst suit,aboot tree year sen, an seeah t' measure werewrang. An Ah ad te tak em back te ev emletten oot, or a bit putten in be'int orsoommat.'It's tree mahle te Sinniton bet' ighrooad,an mebbe two mahle an a aaf be t' stablerooad, across t' fields, yer knaw, see Ahwent be t' stahles. An Ah tak me twobroothers wi meh for a bit o'coompny.78

ME FAATHER' TROOSIESTher didn't want tc gan,bud Ah telled emther'd etti, or else Ah'd lock em ooppi*enoosewharl Ah com back; an if mefaathercatched em in there ther'd get twanked,An seeah ther com wi meh, d' yer see?An Ah gets yano' them marmerlaadebottles, an Ah ties a bit o' band roond t'neck for a annle, an Ah givesit teoor Bobte oogg, cos ee's t' yoongest, d' yer see? AnArry ad t' parcil wi' t' troosies in te oogg.An Ah ad me cattypol.An when wer gat te that there lahtlebeck at roonns doon be Coppy,anthere sandy looan at t' back o' Wreltont'doon thattoon end, an then gans oonnder t'igh rooad,an doon be Ardicks o' Keld Knowle. Whenwer gat te that there lahtle beck wer stoppedte ev a laak. An Ah wanted te catch soommmennits to put i' t' bottle, d' yer see? SeeAh gets a two-prongedstick oot o' t'edge,an Ah maks oor Bob anketcher fasst be t'fower coorners on te t'prongso' t' stick.79

ME FAATHER: TROOSIESAn Ah puts er doon at t'^boddomwatter. An Ah sends oor Arryo' t'doon t' beckte flaah soomm mennits ooppte me, d' yersee? An when a school o' mennits coommsby, Ah lifts t' stick oopp sharp, bud Ahmissed em, an ther went jettinawaa ooppt'beck. An Ah tells oor Robert te ton em;an ee swaaled a steean at em, an doon thercom ageean, an Ah catches fower on em.An Ah shoots te Arry te coomm an giveem inti t' bottle. An eeuz a and te gerswaals t'parcil across t' beck te Robert,d' yer see? An t' daft lahtle youthie disn'tcatch er, an, bon! sher toommles fair inti t'watter, an ee dursent get er oot.Awivver, me an oor Arry getst' mennitsinti t'bottle, an then Ah taks me landin'net an Ah fishes t'itwar wet!An Ah gives Bob isparcil oot. An, by Lad!anketcher back, anAh putst' stick throofft' band o' t' parcil,bottlean Ah ooggsit mesen. An wer putt'80

ME FAATHER' TROOSIESo' mennits at t' back'n a greeat steean, tewharl wer com back, d' yer see?An when wer gat te Gaabriel' oose Ahfelt it,telled im aboot me faather troosies,an atee ad te let em oot aboot tree inch roond t'top;an if there warnt aneeaf stooff ee ad teput a bit in at t'back, ther wer ower tight.An Ah gives im t' parcil. An t' paaperad getten middlin dry be that, wi oogginon't i' t' wind, d' yer see? An ee said nowtaboot it at fosst. Bud when ee oppened emoot, byLad! t' troosies was all wettenthrooff!An Gaabriel says, " Where i' t' wold evye ad em? By goom! ther waasted! Ah'llsend wod te thee faather an tellim thoo'sad is troosies i' t'beck, an then thoo'll catcher."An Ah says," Thoo'll deeah nowt o' t'sooart, Gaabriel," Ah says. " Thoo caneeasy dry em, an put a bit o' starch in em,an iron em oot, an me faather '11 nivver81

ME FAATHER' TROOSIESknaw ner difference .Bud, bon ! if thoo ivvernaames a wod aboot it te me faather," Ah"says,ther'll nivver be anoother pairo'cleease at thoo maks for me, ner for Arry,ner for Robert, at'll ivver fit onny on usonny mare. Ah's tellin o' yer.An wer'llpleean on yer te me faather for usin badstooff, an mak im gan soomwheres else forwer cleease. Bud if thoo ods thee jaw, annivver says nowt, wer'll weear em oot sharp,Gaabriel," Ah says,"an then wer'll ettite mak us soomm mare.""Eh, dear!" ee"says. Ye're roommbetter o' me. Bud Ahget yerlads! yer allus get t'weeant saah nowt te thee faather. An there'sa apple apiece for yer."Wer com back be t'igh rooad at t' back 'na brewer roolley.An when wer gat yam,Ah sayste t' lads, "Bon! Ah've cleanforgettenthem there mennits!"82

WHENBOD-NESTINme faather sent meh ower teSinniton ageeante see if Gaabrielad gettenis troosies deean, me an Arry anBob, wer com back be t' stable rooad, tesee if wer could finnd onny mare mennitsi' t'beck, an te t'bring oothers back. Anwhen wer were coommin doon that thereswath field ageean Coppy, Ah sees a blackbodnest iv a ollin tree i' t' edge. See Ahdimmed ooppt'tree, an were joost peeakininti t'nest; sher ad fower eggs,Ah 'ink,mebbe fahve; an Ah ad getten tree on emoot, an putten em i' me mooth te fetch emdoon, d' yer see? An, by Goom! a greeatgormless lass com roonnin oot o' t' oose, anacross t' slack. Bob an Arry seed er coomminfre t' back o' t'edge, an Ah didn't, d 'yersee? an t' daft youths nivver said nowt, therjoost offed, d' yersee? an left me i' t' tree83

BOD-NESTINtellin em oo monny eggs there was, an atAh were gettenem yans apiece, when t' lasscom oopp. An, afoor Ah knawed sher werethere, sher shoots at me, " If yer aren't sharpdoon that there tree t' missis says sher's gahinte send t'maaster efter yer."By Lad! Ah was sharp doon! Noo Ahcoommed doon iv a f ullock, Ah tell yer Ah!coommed doon a vasst sharper an soomm o'mah troosies an all, Ah did that. Ah left agreeat soahvin bit on em, aneeaf te mak aweskit for a bairn, fasst ontiv a brokkengraan. An t' eggs was all broossen i' memooth; an yan on em was addled, an, byGor! it war nassty;it meead me spit,Ahtell yer !wharl Ah couldWeel, Ah ran foryamroonn ne langer,an Ah catched oopp wi t'oother lads. An ther beeath on em says," By Lad! thoo es rovven tha troosies! T'backsahde on em's clean rovven oot. }>An Ah says, "Eye, thoo brazzent lahtle

BOD-NESTINfeeals! an it'sallyurefawat.What for didn'tlass wereyer tell meh at yon gormlesscoommin? Ah'd cloot beeath o' yer looggooals for yer,if Ah warn't flaad yer'dtellme moother, yer sackless feeals! Awivver,"Ah"says, ev aather on yer onny band i'yerpockits? Laat an see."An naather on em ad neean. An Ah adneean bud me top band.See Ah sayste Robert, "Thoo'll etti takthee shibbands oot, Bob, an lend us em wharlwer get yam. An, Arry, Ah want tha cap,an thoo mun coott a lahtle bit off o' thashibbands an giveit te Bob te tie is beeatstegitherat t'top,see as ee weeant loss emoff."An Ah taks oor Arry cap, an Ah puts erin be'int, where me troosies was rovven; anAh ties er there wi Bob shibbands. An thersaid ther could scarce tell where ther wererovven. An wer coommed awaah yam. AnAh telled me moother at Ah'd rovven me85

BOD-NESTINtroosies. An sher said, Ah ad an all, an at Ahwere a bad lad, an sher wished t' ollidahswas owered. But sher said sher'd fettle emoopp for meh efter Ah'd gonete bed. Antheease is t' troosies at Ah ev on.An oor Arry says, efter wer'd getten tebed, "Bon! Walt, wer've forgetten themthere mennits ageean! Ah's think ther willo' soopped all t' watter i' t' bottle be this,an there'll be all starved te deead, its marean a week."86

A LARKAH ad a lark yisterdah, by Lad! Mefaatherweregahin te Pickeringte seet' farrier aboot yon coo o' oors at's badly,an Ah were gahin wiv im. An ee telledmeh i' t' moornin at Ah were te fetch t'gallowah in fre t' paddock afoor dinnersoomtahme, ee were gahinte drahve. AnAh gans oot bod-nestin a bit i' t' forenoon,an Ah sees a throstle nest iv a young eshtree i'Tommy Ossler edge, atwixt Rimmercoo pastur an is. See Ah gans ooppthis eretree, an Ah were set on a graan lukin abootthere warnt nowt i' t'nest, t' bods adn'tfinished eran oard Tommy com oopp.An ee says," What's tha dyin there?thoo yoongvarmint! Coomm doon oot o'that there tree this minute, brekkin mahedges doon. Coomm doon," ee says.Ee wasas ranty as a cat iv a trap. Ee ad is dog wivG"87

A LARKim an all; that there savage bobtaal shippert" Ah sahn'tdog, yer knaw. An Ah says,coomm doon, noott wharl thoo's there withat there denged dog o' tharn."" Wer'll see aboot that," ee says.An eegot odden t' tree booal an shak it. Bud Ahodded fasst.An then ee says," Ah'll gan an get megoonn an Ah'll shoott tha doon; thoo porkyyoong waastril! "An ee telled t'dogte watch meh. Eeknawed Ah were flaad o' t'dog, becos t'dog ad ad odden me beeat yance afoor ivis staggath, when Ah was getten mesen atqnnup. An awaah ee gans for t'goonn.Weel, Ah waats wharl ee getsoot o' sect,an then Ah begins te cooax t'dog, d' yersee? Call im a good feller, bonny Bob, ansike like. Bud ee nubbut snarled at meh, anscratted wiv is ind legs.Awivver, Ah ad a bit o' pooffi' me pockit,see Ah breks a bit on it off an swaals it88

A LARKdoon tiv im, an ee snapped it oopp an lukedoot for soomm mare. An Ah swaals imanoother bit, but Ah swaals it te t' oothersahde o' t'edge, d' yer see? An afoor t' dogad getten issen rammled throoff t'edge,Ah'd parzeled doon t" tree an were offooppt' fields.An then t'denged dog tak efter meh, anAh thowt ee were gahin te worry meh,fosst when Ah seed im coommin; bud eenobbut axed for a bit mare pooff. See Ahgav im a bit mare pooff, an Ah seed wewere friends. See Ah says, " Coomm on,Bob, good lad! " Ah says.An Ah gansroonnin fair despert oopp t' daale, an intioor low bank, an throoff that lahthe ezzelplantin, an inti t' daale ageean, an ooppButcher wood, an inti that firr plantin o'Mitchils. An t'dog gallopin on wi meh allt'tahme. An then Ah taks across be t' fallersinti Crud Annah staggath.An Ah sets cardTommy dog efter a yoong02 80cockril there. An

A LARKt'bod ran cacklin inti their en oose. T" bigdoer were propped oppen wiv a stack prod,an t' shootter were doon, d' yer see? Weel.t'dog in efter t' cockril, an t'dog knockst' stick doon as ee gans by, an t' doer clapstoo an snecks. An beeath t'dog an t' cockrilwas fasst insahde. An Ah eeard a straangegahin on.Awivver, Ah leeaves em, an pops acrossoot o' sect o' t' oose as fasst as Ah couldgan, an across t' eeadlan, an inti oor quarryfield.An, by Gor !when Ah getinti oor quarryfield, Ah sees t* oard gallowah graazin bet'edge sahde. By Lad! Ah was capped! T'gallowah adn't neeah business there, d'yersee? Bud sher'd gettenoot o' t' low paddockan wandered oopp two tonnup fields, an intit'quarryfield. T' fox 'unters ad left all t'yats oppen when ther went by o' Wensday,d' yer see?Weel, Ah ods oot me capte t'90gallowah

A LARKan calls on er, an sher thowt Ah ad soommsee? An sher comwots i' me cap, d' yerparzellin oopp, an Ah clicks er be t' maane,an Ah taks er oopp te t' pound raalins, an Ahgets on er back, an Ah gallopserfields.Ah slipsoff an espst'doon t'An when wer gat inti t' low paddockpaddock yat, an Ahleads t'gallowah te t' shaade, an Ah getst'on t'elter oot, an Ah puts er on. An Ah getsgallowah back ageean, an Ah walks erdoon yam, an Ah fassens er i' t'steeable,an Ah gans te me dinner. An efter dinnerAh elpsme faather te yawak, an Ah ganswiv im te Pickering.Weel, it'dbeabootaafpassttreei't' efterneeanwhen wer gat back, an Ah gansstright inti wotchet t' te pawata bod. AnAh eears a greeatnoration gahin on owert' wall i' t' rooad, d' yer see? See Ah peeaksthrooff a ooall te see what were t' matter.An there was Raaf Robson givin cardOssler what for. Ee reckoned atTommy

A LARKee'd fan card Tommy dogiv is en oose, anee'd worried yano' is missis prahze cock-im aaf-a-rils. An ifTommy didn't givecroon for 't,ee'd tak im te t'coonty cooart,an Ah decant knaw what all.An Tommy were saahin at it warnt isfawat, it moost o' bin that denged mischievouslad o' Tonner's at ad deean it.An Raaf " says,Oo i' t' wolld could it abeen im, ee's flaad te deeath o' t'dog," eesays. "Besahdes all that," ee says,"Tonnerlad draave inti Pickering wiv is faather abit efter twelve, oor John seed im gahin.An thoo's joost telled me at ee were ooppatree i' tha coo pastur at a quarter passteleven. Oo i' t' wolld could t' lad o' gettenooppte oor oose an back i' that tahm? " ee"says, an get'is dinner an all. It's thadenged dog at's been pooachin," ee says," that's what. An if thoo disn't mahnd ee'llget tha inti t'Coonty Cooart," ee says.Seeah t'oopshot on it war, at poor oard92

A LARK-Tommy pulled oot isposse, ee were varryslaw aboot it, an gav Raaf a aafcroon piece,an telled im te saah ne mare aboot it. Bud,by Lad! ee was savage.An Ah were laffin, fit te broost mesen,at t' back o' t' wall all t' tahme,i' oor wotchat,anther nivver knawed Ah were there.Ah ad te fair roll on me back an kick, tekeep mesen fre laffin oot, an lettin on emear meh. It war a bit o' good! Ah couldn'ta ad a better bit o' farce if Ah'd plannedit all oot for mesen afoorand at SoondahSkeeal.93

COONTY COONCILSEH dear! things es getten tiv a despertpitch, ther ev Ah seer. Ah tell yerwhat it is; what wi Coonty Cooncils,Looacal Gooverment Booards, DistricCooncils, Parish Cooncils, an all sike like,there's ower monnyfooaks be aaf es thermoocky fingers i' t' pooblic pie.An t' warst on't is at ommost all on emsefter t'ploomms for thersens, or ther ev theraxes an slashers te groonnd, or soommat.Its soommat like this ere. Uz raatpaaerses te paah, whether 't agrees wiv uz ornoott, saah for a real rich kessmas puddin,at wer decant want, wi citron an maace,an curranberries, an raasins, an suet, ancherries, an carrot, an all sike like in't.That'll be t' specification, t' recipe awivver,at's laad doon for uz te paahfor. An roommsauce an slack sugar ower t' top. An all t'94

COONTY COONCILSstooffgans awaah te eead quarters be specialtraan, te be mixed an meead, d' yer see?An ther've a greeat kitchen at eeadquarters, belt wi green granite, an flaggedwi marble, an staaned glass windies; an acopper cookin raange, at's polished twicea daah wi electricity,seeah ther tell me.An there's a eead cook, Ah 'ink thercall im Chef, wiv a silver appron an agoold cap, an a aafcroon cigar iv is mooth,at getstwo thoosan poonnd a year,an foweroonderd extry for champaane.An ee tellsis assistant, te tell is assistant, te tell isassistant, te tell t' scoollerymaad te leet t'fire,an put t'platinum pot on,at there's atepuddinboil. An sher es te send t' eerandlad te t' billiard room te tell em when t'watter boils.An when t' watter boils t' scoollery maadgans oot on te t' street te finnd t' eerand lad,an sends im off te tell t' office te tellboyt' eead clerk te tell t'deperty oonder cook95

COONTY COONCILSte tell t' oonder cook to tell t'deperty eeadcook te tell t' eead cook, wi t' silver appron,at t' pots boilin an ready for t' puddin.An Chef coomms an roonns is fingersthrooff t'materials te give em a mix oopp,an o'cooarse soomm o' t'raasins is fooast testick on te is ands. Wer'll call that salaryan office expenses.Then ee ands t' stooff on tiv is assistant,a nevvy o' is, an ee roonns is fingers throofF,that's what ee's paid for dyin,an soomm o't' curranberries sticks on te is ands.An ee passesit on tiv is assistant, a relaatioribe marriage, an is ands es anattraction for suet, wer'll saah. An ee passesitonageean tiv is assistant, a o'nevvy Chef'spartner, an is salary swallers ooppsauce. An then ther'll be a lawsuit aboot t'cooller o' t' band at t'puddint' roommes te be tiedoopp wiv, at'll tak aboot ten week te sattle,if ther loocky, an get on wiv it. An thenit gans iv a baasin, wi t' rid taape roond

COONTY COONCILSscoollery maad. An t' scoollerymaad lapsitooppiv a bit o' callicker at'sower big be aaf for't, an sher cootts abootit, te t'aaf on it off te mak a shift for ersen, anshcr putst'puddin i' t' platinum pot. O'cooarse t' watters been boilin all t' tahmean sher swaals soomm fresh cedar logs on t'fire, an aaf a toonn o' anthracite, an sherlicks oot t'spoon, an sher gans te sleep,an t'oothers gans for ther ollidahs.An aboot six or ight moonths efterKessmas,t' Kessmas puddin's deean.An aboot Martmas, mebbe, ther'll sarvet' raatpaaers oot a bit o' plaan doofT apiece,wivoot curranberries, ner raasins, ner suet,ner maace ner nowt, an yer loocky ifyerget a bit at that; varry oft yer deant getneean. An ifonnybody maks onny complaanto' onny sooart, ee'll joost get a bito' nassty sauce te tak wiv it, at'll mak isbelly wark warse an all. Byroomm un, Ah tellyer!Gor! its a97

COONTY COONCILSBud soomtahmes, o' cooarse, things'llwurrk t'oother waah roond. T" pooblic, atsadly wants a goodbit o' plaan an wholesomecurran breead, '11 be fooast tc paahfor an swaller a greeat soahvin ornamentalweddin ceeak. There was sike a caase asthat at a lahtle spot called Ventpeg yance.There was aboot fahve an twenty bairns tefeed at t' skeeal. An them at ad t' owerseeton em ad agreed amang thersens te provideem, oot o' ther oahn pockits, wiv a nicebit o' rooast beef an taaties, an all at therwanted te mak a real good dinner.An ther were gahin te get aneeaf tesarve fifty bairns, see as te be shure ther'dall get plenty.Bud ther ad te get leeave fre t' Goovermentan fre t'Coonty Cooncil, afoor thercould dee owt. An t' Gooverment an t'CoontyCooncil ad te luke ower t' bill o'fare, an pass it, d* yer see?An when t'Coonty Cooncil coomm te

COONTY COONCILSluke ower t' bill o' fare, ther said tethersens, " If we let them there managersfeed these ere bairns wi' that there stooff,wer san't be aable te mak a ahpenny pieceoot o' t'job for wersens, ner wer friendsnaather, an that'll nivver deeah. Ah'll tellyer what wer'll deeah; wer'll lodge a objectionte t'Gooverment, an wer'll get emte give uz t' contrack." An ther meead therplans accordinglie.An ther sentwod ooppte t' Gooverment,an meead ooppa greeat teeal aboot what t'managers adn't deean, an aboot what therad deean, an were gahinte deeah; an thergat leeave, as near as nowt, te feed themthere bairns; an ther put nooatices ooppaboot it i' t' village.An ther said, " Oo monnybairns isthere?" An soombody says,"Fahve antwenty." An ther said, " Ohr, that's aridicklus noomber. There'll mebbe be marean that iv a oonderd year tahme. Wer'll99

COONTY COONCILSprovide for two oonderd an fifty;better for t' caaterers. An be angedte rooastit'll bebeef an taaties! there'll etti be a sevencooarse dinner. An then wer sail a t' fishmoonger,an t' poolterer an t' grosser, ant' butcher, an't fruiterer, an t' wine merchantte reckon wiv at efter, an wer sailev a job te givete ommast all wer friends."An yano' t' members o' t' committeewarnt there when ther sattled aboot it.An when ee gat te knaw ee were ranty.An ee says," What's Ah te get oot o' t'job then? "An ther said, ther'd clean forgettenaboot im, bud ther adn't putten onnycigars doon, an ee could ev t' orderin o'them. Is faather-in-law were a tobacconist,d' yer see?" Ohr, bud," soombody says," Thernobbut bairns, an ther decant smook!" Budt' rist on em says,"Be angedte that!That's nowt te deeah wiv it. It maks ne100

COONTY COONCILSmatter what t'bairns wants, ner what therdeeant want, ner what ther faathers anmoothers wants for em. Order them therecigars."An seeah ther ad it allvarry nighsattled.Bud, by Lad! ther gat sookked in! T'looacal managers o' t' job put ther eeadstegither, an ther put ther backs oopp, anther meead t' Gooverment te oonderstandat t'Coonty Cooncil ad been tellin on emwhat wasn't right,te sarve ther oahn ends,an ther itprovedtiv em i' black an white.An seeah t'oopshot on it was, at t'looacal managers gat leeave te feed themthere fah ve an twenty bairns. An ther gav ema good wholesome dinner o' rooast beefan taaties, oot o' ther oahn pockits, anther meead a realgood job on't, anthere was plentyfor all an a goodbit ower.An t'raatpaaers was seeaved t' cost of aseven cooarse dinner, an tips,for twooonderd an fifty bairns; two oonderd101

COONTY COONCILSan twenty fahve o* which isn't yit booarn,an noott likelyte be.Bud, yer knaw, it shows at CoontyCooncils an sike like wrnts ther clawscoottin, an oddin in a bit, or ther'll waasteall afoor em, what?102

CHARLIE DRAGONDragon were a clogger beV^traade, an ee used te mak a goodlivin oot o' clogsi' former daahs. Bud eecant mak mich oot on em noo.Beeats esgetten that cheeap at fooaks es varry nighgin ovver weearin clogs nooadaahs, abootoor coontry awivver.These ere doggers,at a cettin tahme o't' year, used te gan awaah te soomm spotwhere there were a vasst o' birrk trees.Ther mak clog sooals o' birrk, yer knaw.An ther'd buy these ere trees where thersee? An ther'd mak a sooartmoonnth mebbe, orsteead, d' yer'n acampfor thersens an live there for amebbe mare, accordingliete ther wurrk.An ther'd fell t' trees an saw em ooppinti lengths for clogs,and ther'd coott emrooffly wi ther knives, into t'shap ov a clogH 103

CHARLIE DRAGONsooal,theer and then wheer ther grew,d'yer see? An then ther'd cart em yam i' bags,an mak em oopp an sell em. An soomtahmesther'd ganthese ere birrk trees.inti Scotland an Ireland efterCharlie ad a oss an cart i' them daahs,at ee used te awk clogs wiv roond t'coontrysahde. It were a blinnd oss, blinnd i' beeathees, bud it were a good un for onnybody atknawed it waahs.T' oss allus stopped deead as seean asivver is foor feet tooched grass.An it werea bit orkard soomtahmes ifyer weredrahvin alongt'igh rooad an appened teger on tiv a bit o' swath. Ee'd stop like t'shot of a goonn, wad t' oss, an if yer weregahin fasst ee'd scatter all on yer oot o' t'cart, an yer couldn't elp yersens.Ee sentme eeadfosst throoffa thorn edge an landedme iv a pound yar daah, an Ah nivverraade wiv im at efter.An if yer wanted te ton roond a coorner,104

CHARLIE DRAGONchoose which raan yer pulled,ee'd ton ont' instant, that sharp, yer knaw, at ee werevarry near fooast te wemmle yer ower, ifyer adn't gin im plenty o' room.Charlie lent this ere oss te DaavidBoomler, t'pooblican, yar daah, te drahvete Morton raaces. An it were Daavid dogcartat ther ad, an ee reckoned ee'd drahve.There were fower on em in, an Charliewere set at t'back. An when ther gattet' low sahde yonder, where t' rooad tonsoff te gan te Morton, Daavid pullst' offraan at t' coorner, an t' card oss tons sharproond, ower sharp be aaf, yer knaw, an t'wheel roonns oopp cam t' sahde an tons t'cart clean ower, afoor onnybody could saahknife.Charlie seed what were coommin, an eelouped off, bud t' oothers flew ootallrooads.Daavid were laad of is back i' t' middle o*t' rooad, wheer't were despert moocky.An when ther'd gettent' oss an cartputtenH 2 105

CHARLIE DRAGONright end oopp, ther went te see efterDaavid. Ee were laad there all t' tahme,d' yer see?An Charlie says," Es tha otten thesen?Is tha owt t' warse?"An Daavid"says, Nohr, Ah's nowt newarse, bud Ah sail be all ower plother!"An t' daft feeal ad bin laad there thinkinaboot it all t' tahme, an lettin t' moocksoomp in!Ee selled that there oss at efter te BillyMush, cab-drahver, for a tenpun nooat, anee'd nobbut gin fower for im adn't Charlie.Ee didn't tak Billyin aboot t' oss nernowt o' that, yer knaw, ee were a strightgooin feller were Charlie. Billyknawed eewar a blinnd oss when ee bowt im. An Aha me doots whether Charlie could a teeanBilly in wiv a oss if ee'd wanted ee knawed;ower mich aboot em did Billy, ee ad t' osstraade allaoff aboot proper. Bud ee wadn'tbowt this ere oss if ee adn't bin blinnd.1 06

CHARLIE DRAGONThat were t' straange thingaboot it. Eewere despert fond o' drink, were Billy.An Charlie telled im at fosst at ee wadn'tsell im t' oss." Ah'd sell tha t' oss willin aneeaf," ee"says, bud Ah's flaad ee'll be tonnin theean t' cab ower inti t'gootter ooal soomtahme,when thoo's ad a soopp o' drink,an mebbe brek thee neck. An thenBilly,yure missis wad blaame me for't, an weraren't varry good friends as tis."Bud awivver Billy beggedfor t' oss, ansee ee gar it, Ah tell yer, for a tenpunnooat.An when Billywere gahin awaah wi t'oss, ee tonned roond an telled Charlie whatfor ee'd bowt im. Ee " says,Thoo knaws,Charlie betwixt me an thoo, Ah want teower looshin. An Ah've tried all waahsgivean Ah cant keep oiFn t'denged drink.See Ah says te mesen, Ah says,that there blinnd oss o'Ah'll buyCharlie Dragon's.107

CHARLIE DRAGONAn knaw Ah sa'nt dar get droonk wiv ablinnd oss i' t' cab shaffts, an it'll mebbekeep me ofFn t'liquor."An it did an all. Afoor Billy ad gettenused te troostin issen wi t' oss, ee gatweeaned o' t' drink, d' yer see? An t' oardoss were better be aaf te Billy an if ee'dgone an sahned t'pledge.Ee were a good carted feller, were Billy,an despert fond of a dog, an ee allus adyan wiv im. When ee gat wed, yer knaw,o' cooarse ee were gahinte leeave t'dogatyam wharl ee gat back at neet. Budawivver, when ee were gahinte set off fort' choch, t' dog lukes at im, cooaxin like,an brooshes is taal slawly across t'flooer, ansooart o' squeeals.An Billy fairlyadn'teart te deny im, yer knaw. An ee says," Eh, thoo mun coomm, choose what."See ee tak t'dog wiv im. An t' dogcom reet awaah inti t' choch, an gat sett'doon ageean Billy,at t'108chancil steps.

CHARLIE DRAGONAn when t'parson com oot, ee says," Wheeah's owe t'dog? Wheeah's lettent'dogin t' choch?"An " Billy says,Whah ee's mahn. Eewanted te coomm."109

MORSES PITCHERDID yer ear aboot Morses Pitcher, t'pot awker, gerrin is cart skelled oopplasst week? Ee were gahin doon te 'Melia's, i't'wood yonder, an yer knawwhat a brant illit is doon te urr oose, wivagreeatbank ooppat teeah sahde an doon at t' oother? Whahee were gahin doon there te tak soommflooer pots an a breead bowl at'Melia adordered on im, d' yer see? An ee thowt eewadn't tak t' cart reet awaah doon te t'oose, ee'd nobbut etti coomm oopp ageeanwiv itd' yer see? An ee'd amiddlinlooadon,see ee left t' oss an cart aboot aaf waah doont' an ill, oogged t' pots doon on is eead. Ant' tahme at ee were doon at t' oose talkinte 'Melia, t'oard oss wandered off graazint'along cam sahde o' t' rooad an doon t'bank. An t' pots sloothered tiv a sahde o' t'cart, d' yer see? An t' weight o' t' potsno

MORSES PITCHERwemmled t' cart ower, an t' cart shaftsknocked t' oss ower, an awaah ther went,rollin ower an ower doon t' bank, wharlther com ageean a esh tree at stopped em.An t' pots was all brokken te bits an spreeaddoon t' bank sahde like a drift o' snaw.Aboot thotty bobs woth, Morses said.!An Morses eeard t clatter o' t'ee coomms roonnin back oopppots, ant' ill asfasst as ee could gan. An ee seed t' oss ancart laad where ther'd toommled ageeant'tree, an t' bits o' pots skelled all doon t'bank sahde.An t' oss were fickin te ger oopp, an shercouldn't. An Morses were that bellussed wiroonnin ooppt' ill ee could deeah nowt atfosst. Awivver, when ee gatis wind, ee gatt' arness loused, an pulledt' cart oot o' t'oss rooad; an er legs were ooppt' ill, d' yersee? Weel, sher loonged aboot, an shercouldn't ger oopp,itwere that slaape anbrant, d' yer see? An sher gav a despert fick,in

MORSES PITCHERan went rollin ower an ower ageean doonte t' boddom o' t' bank, afoor sher couldger oopp on end. An then sher gav ersen agood shak, like a lad iv a new suit o' cleease,te sooart o' sattle t'arness, an was nowt newarse.An Morses gater inti t' cart shafts ageean,an traaled er oopp on te t' rooad. An eeleeaves t' brokken pots, an awaa ee gans.An ee telled me aboot it at efter, an eesaid there was nobbut yar pitcher oot o' t'lot at wasn't brokken, an that was issen, anee thowt t'job'd varrynear brek im an all.Ee's a roomm feller.Me an Dick Lodger was evvin wer teasat Morses oose Soonndah was a week sen;an wer were talkin aboot what appenedteMorses t' fore end o' lasst year.Is missistelled uz at ther'd teean is index frev im.An Dick " says, Is what, missis? Dis tha"meean t' gas meter? or is awkin licence?" Whah, nohr," sher" says, it's soommat112

i'MORSES PITCHERyer insahde! Ee ad citis o' soomm sooart,an ad te ev a operaation at t' ospital, an thertak is index oot.""Ohr! Ah knaw," Dick says." Thoomeeans is addenda, missis, Ah knaw. Itssoommat te deeah wi yer breeathin. Anther call it that becos its soommat at owtte a been left oot. AhVe seen t' wod i' t'dictionary." Ee's a middlin scholar is Dick,yer knaw." Weel," sher says, " mebbe that's it.Bud awivver, sher says," t' doctors werefairstagnaatedtell what were t'wi Morses. Ther couldn'tmatter wiv im wharl theroppened im, yer knaw! an then ther fan itwas this ere denda thing at were makkin'im badly, an ther tak it oot. Bud whatcapped them war at Morses ad this erething at t' wrang sahde. Iv all t' caases atad ivver been knawn dendas ad allus binat t' reet and sahde, and Morses dendawere at t' left and sahde, d' yersee? An t'"3

MORSES PITCHERdoctors were fair stagnated. An ther wraatete t'paapers aboot it, an ther were sike agahin on amang um.""Bud, by Gor! " sher says, "it was adespert good advertisement for uz. Fooaksdoctors anused te coomm fre all parts,gentry, an all sooarts, te oor shop,te seeMorses, an getim te tell em aboot it. Anther ommoast allus bowt a pot or a jooggor soommat. An ther keep on coomminSee Ah "says, It's a ill wind at blawsyit.neeabody onny good," sher says.Bob Briskit mere skelled t' butcher cartower t' other daah, an brak beeath shaftsoff. An t' mere went off wi t'shafts, an t'cart went boomp, an t' meeat flew oot o' t'cart, an Bob went efter t' mere, an t'dogsran off wi t'meeat, an oor dog gat a greeatloomp o' beef, an brote it inti t'fowdgarth,an t'pig gat it fre t' dog, an Ah itgatfret' pig, an wer ad it for wer dinners o' Soondah,Lor bless mah life! a goodbit o' beefan all!114

SOMNAMBULISMMARY Dreeamer walks iv er sleepsoomtahmes, yer knaw. An yarneet,efter sher'd ad soomm rooast porrk an Kessmaspuddin for er soopper, sher gat oopp iver sleep an com doon stairs. It wad be abootaaf passt twelve, as near as ther couldreckon. An sher putsa shawl ower er shooders,an sher taks a bookit an soomm Indiancorn, an sher gans oot te feed t'see?ens, d' yerIt were a dcspertfine moonleet neet, fullmoon, yer knaw, leet as daah varry near.An Mary pops er bare feet intiv er clogsat t' back doer, an awaah sher gansintit'staggath. An sher shoots, " Chookie,Chookie, Chookie. "An sher called t' dookksan"all, Dookie, Dookie, Dookie." An shercalled t'geease an "all, Obbey, Obbey,Obbey." Awivver, t' dookks an t' geease

SOMNAMBULISMwere fasstened oopp an ther couldn't ger oot.An t' ens eeard Mary callin on em; therroosted i' t'wagon shaade roof, d' yer see?An ther popped ther oopp legs doon, an therpulled ther eeads oot frev oonder ther wings,an craaned ther necks oot, an ther listened.An Mary ad gin ower callin be that,d' yersee? An t' ens thowt ther moosst o*bin dreeamin, d' yer see?An then Mary starts callin on em ageean," Chookie, Chookie, Chookie." Seeah thent'ens thowt, " Bon! it's all reet it's feedintahme reet aneaf, wer moosst o' ower sleptwersens." It were that leet, d' yer see?An doon ther com elter skelter, oot o' t'wagon shaade, an across t'staggath like alot o' oard women wi ther skets eld oopp, teMaryat were callin on em.An sher feeds em wi t'Indian corn, anawaah sher gans back te t' oose an oopstairste bed at t' sahde o' Dreeamer.O' cooarse when t'116ens seed(t' missis i'

SOMNAMBULISMflanninette, an er neet-cap on, an er barether knawed it were urrfeet i' t' pattens,at ad meead t' mistak, d' yer see? an noottthersens. Bud awivver ther all ad t' sensete get ther bellies full, ther crops Ah meean,bods es ne bellies. An then ther flootteredback into t'wagon shaade roof, an stoppedthere wharl mornin.ganAll exceptt' oard cock bod. Ee didn'tback te roost wharl ee'd ad a lahtlebit o' farce all tiv issen. Ee were a laazybod iv a mornin as a rule, an ee thowtthis ere wad be a despert good chance forim te tak a rahse oot o' all t' cock bods i't'coontry sahde, d' yer see? An if ee couldwakken em allan mak em believe itoopp,were mornin, it'd be isjoost barrer.See eeo' t' mookgets issen peeaked on t' topmiddin, an ee sets issen, an flaps is wings,an gives aaf a doozzen craws, as lood asivver ee could craw. An ee wakkenedivvery rooster i' t' coonty varry near.117

SOMNAMBULISMBud when ee eeard one or two cock bodsanswer ischallenge,ee knawed ee needn'tte deeah ne mare. An ee dimmed ooppontiv ispeeak i' t' roof, an went te sleep,and left t' oother bods te craw thersensoarse ageean yan anoother wharl mornin.Weel, Mary, Ah tellyer,went back tebed ageean Dreeamer, an nother on emnivver wakkened oopp. An Mary nivverwad a knawn sher'd been oot feedin themthere ens, if sher adn't fan er moockyi' t' bed wiv er i' t' mornin. Anpattenssher wondered oo i' t' wolld ther'd gettenthere. An then sher fan t' back doer oppen,when sher gat doon stairs, an all t'maazegone oot o' t' bookit; an t' ens was pickinaboot i' t' kitchen an at t' back doer, lukinmiddlin pleeased wi thersens. Sher knawedthen, an sher were stagnaated; an shertelledDreeamer, an ee were stagnaated anall.An ee allus es a band tiv er noo when118

SOMNAMBULISMsher gans te bed, seeah sher cant get far.Ee thowt sher'd mebbe want tebe givinim is breeak'ast at aaf passt twelve, iv ersleep, soomtahme d' yer see? Anitwadn'tsuit im wadn't that.Ah yance lodged wiv a feller at walkedan ee warned me aboot it. Aniv is sleep,ee gar oopp yar neet when Ah were asleep,an ee gat mah Soondah cleease on, instead'n isoahn card uns, an me Soondah beeatsan all, an awaah ee went. Ah've nivverseen naather im ner me cleease fre thatdaah te this.Eye, youlaff bud Ah didn't.Bud talkin aboot ens, an oother bods anall, yer'll nooatice at when ther gan tesleep, ther'll varrynear allus twarn thereeads roond an put em oonder ther wing att' left and sahde. An if yer see a en puttiner eead oonder er wingat t' reet and sahde,yer may knaw sher's a left-anded bod, whatwer call a gallack. That's what Ah thinkaboot itawivver.i119

TEEATHWARKAH were talkin te Peter Pipcornyisterdah, im at went te Woodlesford,agreean Leeds, te be t' office lad at Boonkuman Balderdash's. Ee's coommed yamfor is ollidahs. Ee es a week.Ee's nobbut fifteen,bud a sharp lad ofis age. Ee saysMr Boonkum's a big stootman, wiv a biggish feeace at onny tahme.Bud t' oother daah ee com doon te t' office,Peter says,wiv is feeace aboot three tahmesas big as usual, all swelled oopp, yer knaw;ee ad a despert teeathwark, an ee werevarry near ranty wi paan.An ee wanted te talephohante Leedste mak an appointment wiv a dentist d' yersee?Ee es yan o'them desk talephohans ates t'moothpiece an t' listenin ooal all onyar annle. An ee es nowt te deeah bud120

TEEATHWARKjoost te click it oopp an clap it tiv is loogg,wharl ee sits at is desk, an ee can talk tewheeah ee likes, d' yer see?Bud awivver, o' this ere daah, Peterboss feeace were that swelled ooppsays, t'wi 5 t' teeathwark at ee couldn't getis eeadinti t'denged talephohan.It were like abridle at's ower lahtle, at when t' bits i' t'oss mooth weeant gan ower isknaw, an t' straptransmitter were ageeant'looggs, yeri' t' lasst ooal. When t*boss mooth, t'receeaver were nowt near and is loogg, anee could shoot throoff it, bud ee couldn'tear nowt ageean, d' yer see? An ee couldn'tget t' receeaver ageean is loogg ooal wivootcockin t' transmitter oopp aboon is eead,an" then t' feller at t' oother end couldn'tear nowt o'what ee said.Weel, when ee seed ee were gahinte bebet wi' t'thing,ee called o' Peter tecoomm an talephohan for im, d'O' cooarse Peter es t'yer see?talephohan off weel121

TEEATHWARKaneeaf, ee oft es te use er. See ee calls ooppt' Leeds Exchange,as ee calls it, an getsissen puttin on te t' dentist oose.'*An ee says, Ullow, Ullow! Are youMr Wrencher, t' dentist? Boonkum anBalderdash, Woodlesford.""Mr Boonkum wants an appoint. . .Ullow! Boonkum an Balderdash, Woodlesford. . . Yes . . . Ullow ... Mr Boonkumwants an appointment earlythis afternoon.What time would suit Mr Wrencher? "" Ullow . . . . . .Awright Goodbye."That's joostt' waah at Peter talephohaned,arraangedt'see ee telled me. An t' dentistte see t'boss at three o'clock i'efterneean.An Mr Boonkum axes Peter what tahmet' dentist ad said. An t' lad slaps oot wiva lee, "Two o'clook this arternoon, Sir,"ee says." What i' t' wolld did yer saah thatfor," Ah says.122

TEEATHWARK" Whah," ee says," it were fair passtbardin 'evvin t' boss raavin aboot t' officeall t' efterneean wi' t'tceathwark, cossinan sweearin at me an ivver.ybody else i' t'spot aboot nowt. See Ah thowt Ah'd getrid on im as seean as Ah durst," ee says," pror bornor pooblicor. Ah knawed if eegat te Leeds ee wadn't coomm back, anee'd be a deal better sweearin at t' dentistan at me," ee says. " An varrylike Ahsoodd a' answered im back if ee'd stopped,an then Ah soodd a gettent' sack," eeEe were allus a bit of a leear whensays.ee were at skeeal, were Peter, an itsfawat iv a lad.a bad123

D''ENNYYER knaw what befel me o' Soondahnight i' t' choch? Whah, Ah joostput me and me i' cooat pockit te get meanketcher oot, an what d' yer think therewas in? A 'en egg! See Ah taks it oot o' meboddom pockit an putsit inti me insahdepockit; Ah didn't want te get set doonon't, d' yer see? Ah ad a new suit o' cleeaseon, An Ah kept'egg there wharl chochloused.An Ah was walkin ooppt'chochyardalong wi Mrs Shapler an sher says te me," Can Ah coomm te me soopper at yureoose te-neet, Mr Crawbar? "An Ah says, "Nohr, yer cant coomm teyer soopper, Mrs Shapler, bud ere, lookyer, Ah've brote it wi meh o' purrposefor yer." An Ah gav er t' en egg. Wellsee, sher was stagnaated.124

'ENNYTher a queer thingis a 'en. Oor Vicarwanted te buy yan o' mah missis yar daah,bud sher"says, Naah, An weeant sell,bud Ah'll swapp yer one." Seeah therswapped 'ens, an mah missis gata blackun an gav im anoother. An sher seed at t'bod sher'd getten wanted te sitivver sher gatityam,as seean asbud sher didn't wantt' en sittin joost then, d' yer see? Eggswas a good price, an it was ower cawadweather, an what noott. Awivver sherad soomm eggsiv a basskit oonder t' kitchenteeable, it was a Wensdah afterneean, ansher ad em all readyfettled for t' carrierte tak te t' market i' t' mornin. Sher adsoomm wot caff amang em i' t' basskit, ant'basskit were aboot full.Well if this ere black en didn't get ersenset on that there basskit o'eggsi' t'kitchen! An sher set on em all t' neet, anneeabody nivver knawed sher were there.An when t' carrier called i' t' mornin ee125

'ENNYfan this oard en set on them there eggsi' t' basskit, d' yer see?An ee says," Weel, Ah isn't gahin tetak thee wi meh te t' market, thoo canjoost tak thesen off." See ee boondles eroot o* t' basskit, an off ee gans.An a wharl efter that t' Vicar gav oorTed a cock bod; it were a nice bod an all,bud it wad be i' t'Vicarage gardin, an eecouldn't keep it oot, see ee itgavte Ted.An Ted brote it oahm wiv im an putitdoon amang t' oothers. Weel, when t' ladwent oopstairste bed at neet ee sleepsi'that lahtle back chaamer, yer knaw, an eedidn't tak a leet wiv im an ee were joostgahin te ger into bed, when ee putis andon soommat straangely like feathers. Anee feels aboot, an ee finnds itoot at it wasthis ere cock bod at t'ad gettenlaird doon i'Vicar ad gin im, itoor Ted bed!T' Vicar oosekeeper used to mak sike petson em, d' yer126see? An t' bod ad coommed

'ENNYinti t' oose efter it soopper an gone oopstairste bed like a bairn, as true as Ah'stelling on yer.An when Ted fan itoot what it was ee" says,Ah isn't gahin doon wi tha te-neette put tha i' t' en oose; Ah'll put tha ona chair back wharl mornin."See ee pickst'a chair back.bod oopp an puts im onWell see, as seean as ivver itbegan teget leet i' t' mornin, this ere bod begante craw on t' chair back, An it crew itsardest, an wakkened Ted oopp. An ee says," Od thee jaw, thoo daft bod, thoo'swakkened me oopp wi thee crawin, giveower wi tha."Bud awivver t' bod wadn't stop. SeeahTed gets oot o' bed an ee oppens oorchaamer doer, where me an is mootherweresleepin, an he picks up t'cock bod an eeinsahde oor chaamer doer.puts im joostWell, if t' bod didn't begin te craw ageean;127

'ENNYan ee wakkened me oopp, an t' missis anall.An Ah says," What's that, Bella?"" Whah," sher says," its a cock bod, wemoosst a t' ens i' t' oose."See Ah gatoot o'doon stairs,bed an Ah shood iman Ah ad a bother te catch imt' t' kitchen an all, ee flew all waahs, anwhen Ah catched im Ah threw im oot o't' back doer. Ee allus wad be i' t' ooseefter that, seeah wer ad im te wer dinners.Ther were threshin at Braadler's t'ootherdaah, an there was despert thrang deed o'mice. An there was a moose ran onti t'igh rooad, an were roonnin aboot, lost,yer see? Well there was an oard en joostroonns oopp an clicks t' moose iv er neb angivs it a shak, an dropsit ;an then sherclicks itoopp ageean, an sher killed it, anthen sher set to an aate it. Ah nivver seeda en dee owt o' t' sooart afoor. Bud Ahknaw when wer've been threshin a stack128d'

'ENNYo' corn iv a field, t' card craws'll allus beon t'luke oot for mice. An when ther seeem roonn across t' stoobble ther'll flee doonan pick em oopp sharp aneeaf, ther willthat. An it disn't tak a craw lang te it amoose naather, ther seean get em choakeddoon ther necks.129

Ltch worth : At the Arden Press.

UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARYLos AngelesThis book is DUE on the last date stamped below.Form L9-20m-7,'61(C1437s4)444

A 000 562 335