stray shot 2006 - The Gunnery

STRAY SHOT 2006Editors: Matt Helderman and L.B. SchmidtFaculty Advisor: Mr. BensonThe GunneryWashington, Connecticut

CONTENTSCover photograph by Allie EarlyKatie Pierce, Two poems…………………………….……………………………………1Heather Lincoln, Three poems………………………………………………….…………2Allie Early, The Post-Chinese Food Excursion……………………………….…………..3Che-Kuan Huang, Like a Firefly……………………………………………….………….4Matt Helderman, Blanks in a loaded gun…………………………………………………5Greta Murphy, Two poems………………………………………………………………..6Jung Min Park, The Last Body Language…………………………………………………7Perry Costello, Three poems………………………………………………………………9Photograph by Perry Costello…………………………………………….……………..10Max Dickstein, Two poems……………………………………………………………...11Libby Jonas, Two poems………………………………………………………………...14Paul Henne, Acceptance – The Solution?………………………………….…………….16Photograph by Megan Garguilo…………………………………………………………17Marcia Zhou, Frank’s monologue……………………………………….………………18Osha Rudduck, Untitled…………………………………………………………………19Stephen Roberts, Weird………………………………………………………………….20Yumi Nakamoto, Gratitude from a Crane………………………………………………21Paul Henne, Two poems…………………………………………………………………22Silva Jahic, “I dream of the winter…”…………………………………….…………….23Photograph by Nate Elston ……………………………………………….……….…….24Nate Elston, Neon:Baby…………………………………………………………….……25Alvaro Carreras, Porque arrepentirme/Why should I be sorry…………………….…….26Paul Henne, Garden……………………………………………………………….……..27Photograph by Nate Elston………………………………………………………………29Heather Lincoln, I go out……………….……………………………………….…………30Jon Hartmann, Three poems……………………………………………………………..32Che-Kuan Huang, Colors……………………………………………………….………..34Photograph by Megan Garguilo..…………………………………………….………….40

PersonalitySitting there, no purpose, no thoughts,Hollow and empty, a follower outside the group.Nothing important nothing to offer,But a listening ear,Along with an empty head;Some might think it is mysterious, others think it’s stupid, but the truth is it’s neither, justMisunderstoodMother EarthThe reddest petalThe greenest leafWould never be hereWithout me.I bring the sunshineAnd the rain,I make flowers grow each day.I’m a mysteryTo the world’s smartest peopleWhich surprisinglyIs the everyday pupil.The Earth is my domainNo one canTake over my reign.(Katie Pierce, 2009)1

Buddhacotton, linen, silkwrapped Tanka learning lamasfrom the spears of snowGaneshwomen of wisdomunite caretakers of menarms of multi warmthMadonna and Childfierce love of sweet handsprotect from the eight green fearsand tyrants of snow(Heather Lincoln, 2006)2

The Post-Chinese Food ExcursionWe walked upon a distant earthAway from civilization, sort of, and awayFrom the Chinese restaurant in which we had dined.The Chinese restaurant that he had stolen a plastic bill holderfrom, just to make me smile.I made him put it back, for I pitied the bill-holder less Chinese waitress.We left, he knew I wanted to come here; I had walked here recently in my dreams.So he offered to take me, and I admired his tact and his listening skills.The sand of my childhood, the rhythmic beat of the waves, it was beautiful, and I feltAlive.It was twenty-three degrees, and we didn’t have jackets.All the same, we picked the strangest parking spot, it was dark and weCrunched our way over to the water’s edge, the ground was frozen, but still user friendly.I hid my hands in his, and we looked out at the lights, and the steam rising from theocean.We still had to touch the water, despite our intelligence, just to see how cold it was.Our fingers were unromantically cold as he suggested that we go,I hadn’t noticed that I was shivering.I guess it does happen sometimes, but sometimes I am warm and he is not.He was satisfied, and so was I.We would return in summer, perhaps we could wear bathing suits.(Allie Early, 2007)3

Like a fireflyLike a fireflyFly through the night skyWe chase starsand burn into ashes in the daylightLike Icarus’s wingWe melt from the prejudiced mindWe are tiredCan hardly raise our handsWe are tiredCan hardly walk a straight pathFollow the smoke from cigaretteslying on the streetFollow the path by the moonlight,the shadowsSo we walkwe walk againwe flywe fly as far as we canSirius is closethe bright flame of day approachesWe burnburn with an honorable fireIcarus’s wingAnubis leads us to the other side of the worldMy angel, will you hold our soulsso we stay in the unbalanced world(Che-Kuan Huang, 2006)4

Too Little Time, Too Much To DoPressing bruises on the back of my forearm,that have recently appeared from Thursday’s fall,reminds me of how the Dark Ages was a step back,and we are 600 years behind schedule.Turning PagesGlancing at A Brief History of Ancient Greece,what amazes me most:the word hyakinthos survives thousands of years,only to entitle my new eyeshadow, ‘hyacinth.’Diving in with my spoon, I find it strangely ironic that the reptilian beastswho once savagely dominated this earthare now molded into miniature chocolate piecesin my overly expensive icecream.(Greta Murphy graduated from the Gunnery in 2005, and now attends Union College.)6

The Last Body LanguageA long time ago, there was a hunter who traveled around the world looking foradventures. He did not feel lonely since his best friend, a dependable hound dog, wasbeside him. He felt as though the dog comprehended everything he said and thought;although it couldn’t talk, it was the best companion one can ever have.The dog was two and half feet high. Its black fur was always shining under thesun and moon. Nobody dared to harm the hunter as long as the dog was watching with itskeen yellow eyes which were so clear that looked like two bright stars blinking in theblack sky. The hunter felt so safe and proud with the friend that he swaggeredeverywhere he went.It was an extremely hot day when the good companions came to a clear stream inthe middle of a mountain on the way to another interesting venture. Both of them wereglad to see the cool water. The stream was flowing down the mountain; reflecting in thedaylight, it seemed a long silk strand that was woven from heaven and was hanging downto the earth. They ran to it right away to enjoy the freshness of the cool water.When the hunter bent down on his knees and scooped a cup of water in his emptywater bottle, the hound dog started to bark. The hunter thought that the dog was showingits pleasure at satisfying its thirst, so he smiled and tried to drink; however, the dogjumped on him. The hunter dropped the bottle on the ground, causing it to smash intopieces. Because of the long stress from his thirst and the hot weather, he was annoyedwith the dog for the first time. The dog was looking at him with its usual clear yelloweyes, but it seemed to the irritated man as though they belonged to an evil creature.“How dare you! Look what have you done! Behave yourself, you stupid, baddog!”The angry man turned from it and tried to drink the stream water with his hand;yet the dog jumped on him again. Usually the dog talked with its eyes and body tocommunicate with the man; an action such as pulling his pants meant that it had foundsomething and touching his foot with its nose meant it wanted to take rest. However, thistime the man couldn’t understand what the dog meant by jumping on him when he wasattempting to quench his thirst; or maybe he couldn’t think clearly, as he was so in such abad mood under the summer day’s sun.“Get out of my way!”The hunter was so upset that he didn’t even want to see the black animal, so hekicked it when it tried to pull his pants. The dog kept trying to get close to him;nonetheless, he was now hurting it. Finally the young man lost his temper; he took hishandknife out and screamed at the dog to get away from his sight. Even though the dogexpressed great melancholy on its usually friendly visage, the man was too distressed torealize it. The dog knew that it had no choice, so it slowly walked toward the stream andsat down beside the bank. It looked at the hunter one more time and barked with itsfamiliar voice and drank the water.The hunter was still holding his knife out when the dog fell into the stream. Hewas surprised but stayed as motionless as the dog for a while. It didn’t move for a longtime; nevertheless, it couldn’t breathe, as the water was washing all around its nose. The7

hunter was terrified. He became clear-head again and came back to himself at last. Theknife fell from his hand and he ran to the dog. It was dead. Hugging the dog tightly closeto his heart, he wept, helplessly regretting his dullness, until the sun climbed downbehind the mountain.….It was already dark with the night sky full of bright stars that looked like thedog’s kind eyes when the hunter finished burying his best friend beside the stream inwhich a poisonous snake had drowned with its mouth wide open, releasing poison intothe stream from the top of the mountain.(The author, Jung Min Park, 2008, comments: This is a famous Korean traditional story which isoften told to kids at bedtime. Each time the story is told, it is distinctive in some way, dependingon the storyteller, since there is no specific “original version” for it. I read this in a kids’ book inwhich the dog was cute and brown and was killed by its friend for being irritating. I revised a fewsmall factors in the story by adding some detailed descriptions, and I changed the cruel endinginto a moving one.)8

BuddhaWhat was green is now…A glorious white blanket!Dancing in silenceMadonna & ChildShelter of a pineLoving warmth and tendernessFlakes melt among heatGaneshHarsh blistering snowYet it does not bother himProtector of all(Perry Costello, 2006)9

Bark EaterHave you ever seen true nature?A landscape that absolves and amends the insane soul?A view that could bediadem the most tasteless eyes?A site the sightless could stare at with an impermeable gaze?I have seen such a placeIt was a fortnight of foully selected camping groundsMy party hiked for days, and never did we find a decent encampmentWhile our morale decadently dwindled, we finally found our asylumThis valley was an aperture to the skies above.Across the river were we circled, we saw two twin mountainsA beautifully cleaved glacial valley stood in between.The zenith declined to rise and the sun stood symmetrically between apexesThe perfect silhouetteThe mountains were covered: lush white pine and paper birch.The dew from the trees evaporated like evanescenceWhile the river heeded to the northern windsThe life that drives, and the light that bindsThe echoing luminosity reflectingFrom the swans that sung, and church bells that rung(in this solipsism) No other thought worth recollectingHave you ever seen true nature?A site the sightless could stare at with an impermeable gaze?A place so perfect that it brings disease eradicating ease?A place where the lost run too, but the land finds them?I have seen such a placeAnd I know I have seenFor I am lost no more10

Y=0I have grown up everywhere, never had I found a home.I know now that it was my home that is everywherethere was one home where I, a layman, soon discovered this bittersweet realityHome is an infinite line that has identifiable pointsMurray St, and West Broadway is my pointPlagued was I by the woes of underachievementPlagued I was by a shadow and the foreshadow of my father’s life.Plagued was I for never staying in one realm (against my will)And plagued I was by its foul zeitgeist, zeitgeist, zeitgeistIt is an axiom any given point will have plaguebut here was the greatestI lived in an Irish Catholic neighborhood, covered by a tall shadow of twin titansI wondered if I would aspire to their heights and hallowed skinHint, hint, tis a metaphor to my kin.I saw the lightning bolts of Jove crash into these titans, one by one they fellOn one titan rode my kinsmen, beloved uncleHis titan fell first, and its brother secondHow could the gods want such cruel decadence?In a macabre dust of fallen men and asbestosMy uncle jumped not, he died not for the act he detestedEvery point is a mirror of another pointMurray was not the only point with such ungodly plaguesSofia, Tel Aviv, Beirut, and Madridthe gods too had struck here, oh yes they didIndia, Indonesia, Icleand, IranThere people too have visited Caron.And while watching the two towers burn and crumble, I recognizedMy uncle had not died in MurrayMy uncle had not died in Tel AvivNor did he die in the gardens of EveBeloved uncle had died everywhereDied did he in IsraelDied did he in PalestineDied did he in New York, Alberta and Neil11

No point is different than any pointNor is brother different from brotherAll points are entitled to the same parameterThe titans did not just fall in Murray, but the line eternalTherefore line equals home equals Y equals zero.(Max Dickstein, 2007)12

Seamless LoveSpin me arounddon’t look, youTerminate the partiesTruthTeardrops of realityleave me, abandoned; enticement.lure me, try; turn me awayReality; FalsehoodsAvoidance – dangling heartPresented before you, like steaklike a hungry dog – you devour itskin and Bones, left behind.fear of flying?Befriend my enemies,Embrace my scars.side by side; fearful force – nicksBoiled letters, full of passive ragelost outlet; self-inflictedRefusal of gluttony – pain.buoyant perception, split, you aren’t one.Two or three.13

Anon;jumpOff the edgeDesperate waters,Floating, what lingers lower –Why touch; feel; knowMagnetsTiny messages,mind and bodyWork at youSharksWaiting to assault,Then befriend.search?Confront; honesty.PlaceThe thief of feelingSlinksHe wears all black, but stepsInto you; he is strong –placesnear hopelessness on your shoulders.Can he manipulate? you to find the direction to the light. from within?pulledto disguised demonsdrums, linksCradle of a child; next stopLessons learned? True or false.Tap in,like a keg containing truthBlissful edge, blunted; inebriated.The open earth spits you back out; on your ownSoar through the sky – momentumGroundedGlowing exit signLuring normality(Libby Jonas, 2006)14

Acceptance – The Solution?So I hear you love to thieveYou have a wonderful desireI have somethingYou may want to acquireA shiny little secret,From another land,Which you can haveAnd only you commandBut just take a little lookAt this pretty little giftIt’s no knifeNo mapNo influential style…No just an inspirationCome on lookIt’s in IndiaIt’s in your heartAnd in the mosqueWith the Hindu artAnd in the streetWith 40 different menWorkingAnd oh it’s workingIt’s no majority ruleOr king planIt’s in the peopleAnd it’s in youJust take a glimpseOf nothing influentialBut maybe inspirationalThis is what youAre looking for.(Paul Henne, 2007)15

Frank’s monologueThe sparrowhas landed there againon the window.Perhaps she likes the viewI cannot tellShe does not notice meThat much I knowHer eyes never linger on mineHer eyes that never notice sorrowHow can she be so blind?How can she ignore my presence!Does not my large size scare her away?With one nail I can tear her to piecesDoes not my heavy paw catch her eye?Anger and frustration, suppressed yet fierceSurely she has seen my hideous faceSurely she is frightened by my appearanceShe has seen my large size and heavy paws.Yet she knows better than to judge the surface.Clearly she can read my mindAnd she does not care what I thinkWhat more has she seen?She has seen the metal wires surrounding me(Marcia Zhou, 2006)17

UntitledOh graceful day of ever changing formsdark yet light – grey yet bluewindy and coldno dawn; no dusk – just clouds –what is the meaning of your wild fury?do you blow to warn us of your power?or are the heavens just opening up?whatever the message, your frustration is clear……be it frustration with societywith the worldthe churchor our lack of care for you and your siblings –Oh graceful day bring nightand with night bring us love…(Osha Rudduck, 2006)18

WeirdFilter out the unwillingFilter out the unworthyFilter out the unknownFilter out the unshornFilter them though a razor filter of doomCause of doomCause of deathLacerations of the soulFeel the pulse of our generationWatch the pulse of our generationRocket from our souls’ lacerationsAnd seek to find freedomIn the blackness that is under the filterAnd those who surviveThe fewShall be those who lead though pain and liesAnd the rest diesDies and pantsFall from grace with godInto the devil’s welcoming armsAnd then see who prays for you(Stephen Roberts, 2006)19

Gratitude from a CraneA long time ago, there was a poor old grandfather and a poor old grandmother. Onecold, snowy day, the grandfather was on his way home from selling some firewood inthe city, and he found a crane struggling in a trap. He said ‘Oh, God! Poor crane. Here, Iwill let you go. You have got to be more careful!’ He set the crane free.A few days later, on a snowy night, there was a knock at the front door of theirhouse. The grandfather went to open the door, and a girl was standing there. ‘I have lostmy way. May I stay here tonight?’ she asked.‘You must be tired, then. Please, come in and take a rest.’ He accepted her.From that night on, the girl started to live with the grandfather and grandmother.‘Grandfather and Grandmother. Let me weave on the loom, but please do not look at mewhen I am weaving’ she said to them one day. She kept weaving from morning untilmidnight for many days. There was a rhythmic and beautiful weaving sound from theroom whose door was kept tightly closed.After a week, the girl came out of the room with a cloth in her hands. It was alovely cloth. She told the grandfather to go to the city and sell it. ‘There is good moneyin the weave,’ she said. The grandfather went to the city with the cloth the girl hadwoven. Because it was such a beatiful cloth, it sold for a very high price. Thegrandfather and grandmother were happy, and asked the girl to weave one more cloth. Afew days later, she came out of the room with a tired face, and said ‘I will never weaveagain.’ But the cloth she had woven sold for a high price again, so the old couple askedher to weave one more. ‘OK. But it is really the last time.’Once she had gone into the room, they heard the beautiful weaving sound.Curious, grandfather and grandmother wondered why she did not want them to look ather weaving. ‘How can she weave such a beautiful cloth? Let’s take a peep at her.’ Theyforgot their promise and looked inside, into the room. They were surprised at what theysaw. There was a crane pulling its own feathers to weave. The grandfather andgrandmother immediately shut the door.The next day, the girl came out of the room where the loom was and said ‘Yousaw me. Yes, I am the crane you saved on that night. I can’t live with you now that youknow what I really am. I must leave you now.’ Just as she finished speaking, she turnedinto a crane, a shabby skinny crane missing its feathers. The crane gave a sorrowfulchatter, and flew away.(Yumi Nakamoto, 2007, wrote this personal version of a traditional Japanese story in her ESLclass.)20

They must have sparked a fireWhen two young rivers ofGasoline met at theMouth. They were in shadowsLaying like cats who don’tSpeak on a living roomCouch. No one saw a fireOr a secret cat butA spark of heavenlyLight that opened eachOther’s eyes in the night.People assumed them safeWhen the bombs had stopped andTheir eyes no longerBlood shot.Love Save SecretsI have powers.Everything is in the eye of the beholder-“I was gonna do it, even if it wasn’t all right.”-It is what most people do, butYou have powers too.Nothing you do is wrongAnd everything is right.You can only wrong him, me or us…It is really just a matter of-Point of viewHow we answer, “Why?”And how we handle,Or hopefully accept,A dissenting reply.Grey –(Paul Henne, 2007)21

“I dream of the winter in my heart turning to springWhile the ice gives way under my feetAnd so I drown with the sun”But in reality, the crisp airContinues to chill the atmosphere.The shivering puttiAnd the naked dancing guyAwait the spring sunshineTo melt away the crystalline coating,That has become a new skin.Not too far away,The small frozen pondGrows lonesome, more each day,Desolate because the creaturesDo not visit anymore.Soon, the same will happenTo the penguins’ home.The children will find new interestsAnd abandon the arctic lagoonFor another forlorn season.(Silva Jahic, 2007)22

Neon:BabyNeon jungles glowing forest leaves bleedand trap nevermore the raven of deathGentle are the winds in the eyeand torn adults wish to mendand rewrite pages that grasp the great sorrowsOf tomorrow, of raging without reasonOr existence of blonde angels murderedToo avengedGrey eyes wash away in the starsDestiny gaze with the moonless shadowamongst the lion hearted babiesPurring under the hot street lightsAnd being splashed by puddles falling from passing carsToo fast to stop for the neon childToo fast to crash like a wave, wildAnd flying into the brick wallSleep, fall, and dream ofBlue skies and wake to pale criesOf suffocating clouds and sunsSomehow trying to burn through riotsCars coughing death wishesPoison kisses the forehead gentlyand tastes of sugarto a tongue raised under the darkenedfrightened world viewred, green, hot neon blueabandon shipor feel the blood stained tip of the whip rip through(Nate Elston, 2006)23

Porque arrepentirmePorque arrepentirme de aquel besoPorque darte mas razones aparte de la de te quieroAunque tu noche tras noche no te acuerdes de aquelloPara mi cada dia que pasa es como sentir tu pelo.Me recuerdas a un angel , me recuerdas a las nubesVistiendo aquel manto con el que siempre te cubres.Tengo miedo de volver a verte pero sabes que te esperoMis ojos lloran porque saben que hoy no vienes y por eso lo anelo.Sabes que te espero y que te echo de menosSabes que te quiero y que por ti hago lo imposibleSabes que te quiero y que por ti me mueroSabes que te amo y que por ti ya estoy muerto.Why should I be sorryWhy should I be sorry about that kiss?Why should I have to give more reasons apart from the one that I said: I love you.Even though you don’t remember it night after night.But for me every day that I live it’s as though I can feel your hair.You remind me of an angel, you remind me of the clouds.Wearing that shawl you always use to cover your eyes.I am scared to see you again but you know I will wait.My eyes cry because they know that you won’t come, tonight.You know I will wait for you, and I miss you.You know I love you, and for you I will do impossible things.You know I love you, and for you I will die.You know I love you, and because of you I am dead.(Alvaro Carreras, 2007; translation by the author.)24

GardenOne portion of my childhood I distinctly remember is the time I tended to a garden. Theearliest memory of mine is of the first time I stepped into my dad’s house with mymother when I was nearly two. He was not my father, for I was a bastard child, nor washe a legal guardian but he was my dad and his house was where I grew up, in a minute,lone house on a short street. The property was not owned by any of us but I usuallythought that was the best way to live. I loved visitors anyways. My childhood was notthis house but more a garden.I remember one activity I did with my father that fully contains the existence of love.Once he and I went outside in the early summer and dug ourselves a small garden. If Iremember correctly, we merely started off with tomatoes in a small square in the frontyard next to the drive. The garden grew and it instantly became ceremonial. Years cameand went as our garden developed more and more while my mother watched from thehouse; she may have helped us a few times. About three years into our endeavor we hadto put in boards to keep our garden contained; it had grown quickly and certainvegetables needed to be separated. By that time we had twice the amount of tomatoes asour first two years, cucumbers, peas (so fresh and juicy you could eat them as you pickedand sometimes you picked too many and didn’t gather enough for a meal), mint (sopotent), zucchini and carrots, straight deliciousness from the ground. It was a greathobby of mine by then; I loved tending the plants, picking fresh produce and sitting outthere, in the summer sun. Each year we advanced our garden and our gardening skills.We would, in the early months, take shovels out and turn the dirt to make fresher soil forour crop. I liked that time of the year a lot because it was warm outside with a pleasantchill from our sweat and it was quiet, unless we had the music playing. The fourth yearwas our prime; we added three kinds of peppers. I remember that year the vegetables allgrew well. We even had chickens then with a little chicken coop we built. I loved thefresh eggs and vegetables, which sometimes combined to perfect an omelet.It was after that year that our garden declined as steadfastly as it had begun. Theincidents within the house had an effect on our garden. Gradually some species of plantswere forgotten and others mistreated. By the sixth year or so I remember weeds growingover some spots. I was growing up too. The shrubs began to swarm around the houseand virtually engulf it; they were not being trimmed back or contained. The grass grewlong. I still enjoyed the summers but not in the garden. I remember when the lastchicken died and the coop we built disappeared into the forest, but I don’t remember thelast year of the garden; it just seemed to vanish without any notice. After my tenth yearof living in that house with unmarried parents my mother and I packed our things and leftwith nowhere to go.25

Over the next few years, I went back to visit when I could and the house looked worseevery time. Eventually my dad moved out to a more suburban area, to a newer house thatappeared to suffer the same death. My dad fixed and cleaned the new abode but therewas no garden, maybe due to indifference or old age; regardless, it didn’t exist, and Imissed it. I went back a short while ago to that lone house. The landlord had fixed itwith a new interior, siding and roof. It was covered in new everything and painteverywhere. Most importantly, the forest had been cut back to the way I firstremembered it and the shrubs around the house were newly planted. Surprisingly, allremains of the garden had departed and new grass was planted all over, new, short, prettygrass. It was clean and beautiful; it was the way I had always imagined it as a child. Andchild I was again.(Paul Henne, 2007)26

I go out into the treesI go out into the trees, into the thickets of nightmy heart quiet as dirtmy eyes roll white into my mindand I see my unconsciousdarkness eats my shadowearth rasps underneath my feetI am huntinghunting the black cattleI am seeking only those whooffer the ripest appleI am hereto taste the four seedsI am the hero who comes out of the darkness,I am the hero who is unmoved by the daunting terror of the cosmosI am the hero who enters into the world of the unknown and unanticipatedand I creep along the untrodden path to discover myselfObi-Wan Kenobi cries to me,Let go your conscious self and act on instinctthe dirt is but mud in my pooland gasping for airI climb through the holeI am rebirthedas was the BuddhaI am from no elephantnor a Water Jar Boy from Sikyatkinot a pomegranateor breath of the divinebut am a hunterI feed on the knowledge of experienceI eat the words of the LibidoI play with the Musesand I drink the potion ofdeathless life27

I, as Lituolone, am born to fightI am born to devour the demonicyet I swallow no bloodI must unearth my cravingbefore I witherbut my knife is no bladethe troubadours have sungand my mask is but a trapfeathered a frockI gathered in youthfor no more do the drums beat in accordbut my heart still pound for the brisk poison arrowI have no faithnor Creed for pleafor I am the age of the individualfire, anguish, and pain can ariseyet still are loved by the noble heartsacrament is but the bread of the eroticfor Tristan and Isolt thriveas death spits on Heloise’s and Abelard’s gravesGothic man is awakened from his childhood slumber of authorityand I worship the footsteps of the Celtic heroexperience, oh how it feeds the brainthe cowshed skull rides the waters of the East China seathe fronts buck with their hornsand mist hails the languageI hold the Gnostic knowledgeand I herd the sheepI chant to the inexhaustible energiesspells to rid the demonsif I cannot turn their wrath to purityand save those filth-eatersthen give me the diamond swordand I’ll sharpen my blade(Heather Lincoln, 2006)28

-ride-I hear the truckers union is good,is the highway life too fine?We pass by an Indian goods market, turquoise lines.The old squaw stares on, she pulls up her hood.There lies the old bridge, good.Someone has written “revenge” on it, fine.Just connect the dots to create the lines.There you see, it’s made a frog, now pull up your hood.We stare from the corner of the garden to the train track.It’s four o clock, the train is due.Perhaps we should go play in the car, granddad won’t mind.Let’s post up the painting we’ve made this morning with the rainbow tacks.We could kick around the can to drown out the sirens, shoo.Is the highway life too fine?-a jar-It is a hot day; the tarmac is hard to step on with bare feet.I place the jar of minnows on the wall.They swirl, lively, the jar: their prison hall.The sun glares down, hazy in the heat.Jar simmers on the wall, minnows death would meet.The water: hot, far from cool spring creek; sun standing tall.Death row atop the wicked wallIf only the wandering cloud came sooner, heaven’s seat.A cat sniffs the detestable jarhis matted hair prickled on necko how they float, repulsive bunchswam they free but hours ago, in fair woodland creek, far.Lifeless in the warm glass jar, wasting under sun’s deathly peck,escaped they have from time’s waxing hunch.29

-a detached thought-Might be a while slurred the waiteras the waves dragged upon the sand.It will be fine to wait, menu in my hand.The blue rolls above the hill, yes majesty; her.The tidal fascination of storm, the oceanic lureof the sea’s sweet beckon, the scuba man,the toothless man’s tales amid the summer sea’s hand,like the Rastafari cabby whose speech was slurred:Gave reason to the tide, why the moon’s one face we only see,the island’s time of lapping peace,and the air of serenity among the reefs.Softest airs begging, begging meto the wanderer’s leaseon the life of peace.(Jon Hartmann, 2008. Jon was a finalist in poetry for Litchfield County in the IMPAC-CSUYoung Writers Competition in 2006; he won the annual poetry contest at The Gunnery this year.)30

ColorsTo this day, I have still never seen the color that you said. I cannot see my color andneither can other people.The colors are fading away, just like yours.The weather is nice today, just like the day I met you. The sun is shining; the clouds arehigh above in the sky.Sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Fai. I am 26 years old, star sign Leo,blood type B. I just graduated from design school and work in a design house in Taipei. Iown neither cars nor apartments.I wonder if my purple will get deeper. If it gets deeper I will let it; without you, I see nocolors.I apologize again. I forgot to tell you this is a love story.“Hey Sen, do you think there are hot girls joining the dancing club this year?”“There always are, but don’t even think about it. The problem is not whether there are hotgirls or not. It is all about skill.”“Skill at what? Wait. What? What are you talking about?”“You cannot get a girl. That is why you are asking if there are any hot girls in our club.”“No, that is not true… I was just…”“Stop denying it, I knew you when we were in junior high, so don’t even give it a try.”“Oh, okay…So what is the skill you were talking about?”“The skill of talking, socializing. Maybe you look okay, but that is not going to get youanywhere.”“Excuse me, girls say I’m hot.”“Yeah? So? You talk like a moron. Plus you perform extremely badly in bed.”“Well, I’m gonna have to say you are wrong on that one.”“Which one? Tell you what, ask your ex-girlfriend and see what she says. Maybe youhave a prettier face than me, but you sure talk like a moron, and you have impotence.”“Impotence? What the hell is that?”“That is a sickness when you cannot raise your penis anymore.”“What? I don’t have that!”“Well, close, according to your ex-girlfriend.”“I think I’m gonna have to slap her face.”“See, now you talk like a moron. You start with one sentence structure and you stay withit for the rest of the day.”“I’m gonna have to say…”“Enough!”So Sen and I walked to the dancing club in music Room 18. On the way we argued aboutwhether I was a moron and about my purported “impotence.” It was my third year ofcollege. As I look back, I realize I was kind of stupid but definitely did not haveimpotence. Sen had always been a trustworthy friend, even though he made fun of myway of talking all the time. Sen was popular among the girls, which means he got to31

“pick” girls once in a while. I personally did not like to use the word “pick,” because girlsthen sounded like items sold in stores, but that is the word he used. I knew Sen in juniorhigh school, and then we were in the same classroom until college. I was not close to himuntil the beginning of my third year of junior high. We met in a convenience store and Irealized we actually lived in the same neighborhood. We began to walk home together.Since then, he became my best friend. We did everything together: played basketball, didhomework, went to Karaoke, and everything friends can possibly do.Soon we got to music Room 18. I saw you, but did not know your name. I thought if Italked to you, if I could know you longer, even for one more minute, then I would besatisfied.“Damn! There are so many hot girls! I bet you a hundred dollars I’ll get a girlfriend thisyear.”“I bet you hundred dollars you will get dumped within a month.”“Deal.”We shook hands and that’s how I lost my dear hundred bucks.The girl I met had a beautiful name: Ying Xue. It means clear crystallized snow. Namesare given to children by their parents so they can grow up like their names. Well, theparents hope they can. Ying Xue was not as pure as her name, or as her appearance.Meeting the terror of ignoranceEaten alive by the indulgenceFind myself falling into a turbid riverThe river named DestinyIt was during the middle of my third year in college. My father failed in his business. Mymother wanted to divorce him because he was not rich anymore, and she achieved hergoal within two months after my father’s company collapsed. Some people might neversee the excitement in their mother holding a kitchen knife, threatening their father so thathe will sign the divorce agreement. I cannot recall exactly what happened, but I know herreason for getting a divorce was that my mother “thought” my father was having sex withother women. Her most powerful evidence was her belief in her women’s sixth sense.I find it is not that hard to talk about these things when other people struggle throughthese kinds of events. People ask me if I hate my parents. I do not understand why Ishould hate them. I love them because they are my parents; they are a given, that is theway things should work, is it not? I surely do not hate them, but I could not findhappiness in my life anymore. I resumed something I had quit a long time before:smoking.32

I sold my car. It was an Audi RS6. It was worth two hundred thousand dollars. I sold itfor my tuition. I was not from an average family. ‘Wealthy’ is the word people used todescribe me, but not any more. I had to work with the peasants to meet my daily needs. Ifind it funny how I ended up experiencing the peasant life. It had appeared only in mydreams before and now I lived with it. Sen once asked me why I did not quit the dancingclub and work more. I told him going to the dancing club was the only time I could relax.Sen wanted to work with me, but I refused. I understood how people react when youbecome poor. Ying Xue dumped me because I was not rich anymore. Sen was right. Iwas a moron. Without money, even with my handsome face, I was nothing.Again, this is a love story.It was you who showed me the color of the earthIt was you who showed me the color of emotionIt was you who showed me the color of peopleIt was you who showed me a color of my ownNow they are fading away, like my deep color of purpleIt was before I broke up with Xue. I found you the other day in the dancing club. Youwere in the corner of the room, out of breath. It was funny, because I never thoughtanyone would dance that hard, and I had actually never seen you dance before. I askedXue what your name was. She told me your name was Meng. I asked Xue why you werepanting. She told me that you had some disease. I told Xue to invite you to a dinner withher, me, and Sen, on December 15, a Friday night.“Hello, my name is Fai, and this is my friend Sen.”“Hi, my name is Sen, nice to meet you.”You did not say anything; instead, you nodded your head and hid behind Xue.“Sorry, she does not like to talk.”Sen and I shrugged our shoulders and went into the restaurant.After we sat down at the table, Sen started the conversation.“So, Meng what is your major?”“Chinese literature”“That must be hard.”Then we fell into silence. I did not know what to say next.“So what do you do in the classes?”“Writing.”“Writing? What kind of writings? Poems? Novels?”“Everything.”“Really? What do you write about? Personal philosophies?”“About feelings,” you said, after a short pause.“Talking is not precise. People lie when they talk. They hide things.”You had suddenly started talking.33

“Like you, you are hiding.”You pointed at me.I was surprised.“Me? How am I hiding?”“I don’t know, but you are hiding.”“Are you a fortune-teller?” I laughed.“I’m not. I’m an observer. I’m a writer.”“Do not doubt her; she is very good at observing,” Xue said with a wondering look intomy eyes, as though looking for answers.“I’m probably hiding from the bill for this meal,” I said with a hollow laugh.After that you did not say anything until the end of the dinner. You knew I was lying.You never liked my lies even when they were good for you.Right before I got up to pay the bill, you said:“I’m sorry for what I have said. I didn’t mean to make you embarrassed.”“I’m not mad – plus, you should talk more.”“I don’t talk much, because it takes practice to use words that other people canunderstand.”“Isn’t it the same with writing?”“It is different. Writing is part of me. You cannot separate some part of yourself out ofyour mind.”No one understood what you had said. I started to realize what you meant after we hadhad so many more unusual conversations. You read what people want to say, not whatthey have said. You answer their feelings, not what they want you to hear…Did you enter my life or did I enter yoursDoes it matter?You cannot separate some part of yourself out of your mindI cannot separate hiding out of my mindI cannot separate you out of my mindI guess nothing ever mattersAfter the dinner Sen and I walked back to my house. It was a long walk, but not becauseof the distance. It was because of the talk.“What do you think about that girl?” Sen asked.“Who? Meng?”“Yeah.”“Well, she is shy and does not talk much. That’s probably because it was the first time wemet.”“So you think she is shy.”“I think she is not good at speaking.”“What do you mean?”“That’s what she said.”34

“I think she was just trying to find a reason for being shy. Did you feel shaky when shelooked in your eyes?”“Well…I…I…guess a little bit. Why?”“Because she knew you were lying.”“Lying about what? Hiding?”“Yeah.”“I wasn’t lying, though. It all depends on whether I think I am. Maybe you think I amlying, but I don’t. So you may think I am – but I don’t think I am.”“Good, keep thinking like that. Don’t ever stop until you die. The moment you findyourself living a lie, you will crash into pieces.”“I know myself, so please, don’t even bother worrying me.”“I know. I’m just saying that living a lie for an entire life is probably not that bad.”“Listen man, I am not judging you. I don’t judge you and I don’t judge my friends. All Iwant to say is – stop pretending that you don’t care about your family. I want to tell youto face your problems and to do what you need to do. Even a little thing that hashappened to us can easily change our personalities. And now you have faced the big one.You have changed. You don’t talk like a moron anymore. I mean we all change fromtime to time; we change to solve problems or to hide from them. And hiding is the bestfinal resolution for all losers, and I don’t have any loser friends. I am not going to let yoube a loser.”“Do you know what I heard from your words?”“No.”“I think you are trying to tell me to stop pretending that I don’t care about my parents.Tell you what; I really don’t care about them. Plus, what do you expect me to do? Cry outloud like a woman and say I’m in such pain? Is that what I should do?”“No, what you need to do is forget about all those things, but you cannot. You act likeyou are fine, but you cannot forget those things.”“How can I forget those things? I am not a freaking careless person like you.”“So be it. So don’t walk too close to that girl.”“Who? Meng? Why?”“She is gonna tear you apart. You cannot lie to her.”“I don’t freaking lie!”“Repress might be the right word.”“Never.”“You’re lying.”“Ok, maybe.”“If you are not a loser, prove it. Go make friends with her and see what happens.”“I bet you a hundred bucks that nothing is gonna happen.”We shook hands and that is how I lost my second hundred bucks.Collapse, will ILie, do ICheat, am II thought I knew who I was35

And you showed me I am not who I thoughtYou are meYou are FaiYou know me better than myselfI started to talk to Meng after I made that bet with Sen. Soon afterwards, I brokeup with Xue. I started to get closer and closer to Meng. One day we went to dinnertogether after the dancing club. We went to a restaurant where I often went. I stopped mybike in front of the restaurant and she got off the bike. I walked my bike to the parkingspace and she walked with me. We walked back to the restaurant and ordered food andstarted eating. She made no noise at all. She just followed what I did without making anynoises. She was quiet, very quiet. After the waitress sent me my meal, she asked me aquestion which made me spurt water out of my mouth.“How is Xue doing?” she asked without any emotion.“Do you always start with a powerful sentence like this?”“She dumped you didn’t she?”“How do you know? Maybe I dumped her.”“You are too good to dump a girl.”“Am I?”“Why, though?”“Why what?”“You are not sad.”“How do you know I am not sad? Maybe I am hiding.”“I thought you loved her.”“Not anymore.” We both paused.“Can we stop this conversation?”“Sorry.”Then we started talking at the same time.“Let’s talk about how you know I am not sad.”“Don’t you want to know how I know she dumped you?”“I thought you said I couldn’t dump any girl because I am too nice.”She smiled softly. Her smiles were like winds in the spring, soft and light. I could not besure if she laughed or not because it was too soft. Her smiles made people confused aboutwhether she actually existed or not. She gave people the illusion that she was passing by,like the breeze.“You are a funny guy.”“So you really think you are that nice.”“Well…”“Xue told me about it.”“Damn slut” I whispered to myself.“Damn slut?”“I think that’s from the other table over there.” I pointed at a random table.36

“Do you know lying is not a good habit?”“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”“Did she tell you why she broke up with me?”“No, but she said you would have made a good husband.”“WHAT A SLUT!” I swore in my mind, because her ears were too good.“What a slut?”“I think it’s from that table agai…Wait, how did you know?”“Just guessing.” She shrugged her shoulders.“I really think you can read people’s minds… Because of that, I’m thinking aboutwearing a helmet every time I talk to you.”“If you can see a person’s color and can read their body language well, you can get apretty good guess every time.”“Colors?”“You are purple, for instance.”“Purple? I think my skin color is yellow, and I am wearing a white shirt right now.”“You will see the colors one day.”“Oh, okay…So what is your color?”“White.”“Does that mean you think you are pure?” I said, laughing.“You are funny too.”“Do you know how people who die from a long-term disease look when they are about todie?”“No.”“Their face turns white, and that’s my color.”I said nothing for a long time; neither did she.I tried to change the conversation.“So why did Xue tell you about me.”“I am one of her best friends.”“Really?” I said, surprised. “I never heard anything about you from her.”“She knows that I don’t like people to talk about me.”“Why don’t you like people to talk about you?”“It might change my color.”“Well, don’t you think any color is better than ‘white’?”“Purple isn’t.”“Girl, you are funny.”“Just kidding” she said, laughing.And we talked more about daily school life later. I found out she talked more than usualwhen she was with me.Purple and white, what else do I need?Black and white, what else do I see?Talk to meTell me again what do I seek?As white as the symbols you left to me37

The ones without meaningI was playing basketball with my friends a couple days later, after classes. Sen was agood basketball player, but I seldom saw him play. I asked him once how he could be sogood at playing basketball without any practice. His answer was “well, I was born withthe ability, just as I’m also good at every other thing.” People who did not know himmight have thought he was arrogant, but he actually was not. He was good at everything.He had a photographic memory, but he never bothered to study. He was a great violinist,but he never liked playing. The teacher, who was the head of the music department, onceasked him to play at an important performance at the Taiwan National Theatre. Theteacher told him: “If someday you have regrets, and decide to become a musician, cometalk to me. You know I can always help you out, right?”“I appreciate the offer, but I really have better things to do.”“Like what?”“Like…” Sen paused. “Like finding food. I am really hungry right now. Do you mind notbothering me – even when I’m not hungry?”“Do you realize it is painful to see you waste your talent?”“Oh well, I still need food to survive, though. If you buy me a good dinner, I willprobably think about it.”“Sure.”“Na, I’m not hungry any more. Thank you anyways.” And Sen walked away.I often asked Sen why he would rather waste his talent. He never gave me a seriousanswer. The most serious answer I ever got was this: “Don’t you get tired of asking thesame question?”I was not a bad basketball player, but compared to Sen, I was not good at all. My teamwas owned by his team by at least seven baskets every single game, and the worst thingwas we only played up to ten baskets. After we played basketball, Sen asked me how farI went with Meng. I told him we were still friends. Sen laughed and said “Come on, youcan do better than that.” I told him she was different; then I saw Meng looking at thebasketball court. Sen laughed and asked “Friends only huh?” I was surprised that shewas standing there, so I went over to talk to her.“Why are you here? I didn’t know you like to play basketball.”“I don’t.”“So you like the basketball court?”“Uh?”“Sorry, that was a bad joke.”“Are you going home?”“Yeah. Would it bother you?”“Would what bother me?”“If you take me back to my home.”“Not at all.”38

She lived far from my house, but I could actually see her house from mine. We lived onthe same street but on different ends. On the way to her house, she did not talk. She puther arms around my waist and placed her head on the back of my right shoulder. Ithought she was asleep, but did not dare to look back, because the traffic in Taiwan waspretty bad. I started to drive around because it felt good to have her on my back seat. Iwas being foolish. I forgot that she might not be sleeping. Luckily she was sleeping,because she did not say anything while I was driving around. When I got to her house, Iwoke her up and suddenly the rain started dropping. The rain dropped like someone waspouring water from the sky. I woke her up and we walked to her apartment’s gate.“It is raining.”“It’s ok, I’ll be fine.”“Coffee?”“May I?”She turned around and opened the gate without saying anything else. I followed her eventhough she did not say it was okay for me to go up to her apartment. In the elevator, shelooked at her watch.“What happened?”“Sorry?”“How did you take so long?”“Uh, I got lost.”“Did you really?”“I turned right on the Chung-Suang North road by accident, which was the oppositedirection of your house, and…”“Were you tired?”“Yeah, I just finished playing basketball.”“Next time, don’t ride when you are tired. It is dangerous.”“I’m sorry.”She paused, and she looked like she had something to say. The elevator doors opened.“And don’t lie next time.”I said nothing because I knew she knew I was lying, but I couldn’t tell her the truth. Icould not tell her the truth that I wanted her on my back seat. She walked to herapartment and opened the door. I followed her until she stood before the door.“Do you still want me to go in?”She said nothing. I thought the answer was no, so I walked back to the elevator.“Come in.”So I walked to her apartment door again. She stopped me when I was about to walk in.39

“Before you step in, swear to God that you won’t lie again.”“I swear I will never lie again.” So I lifted my foot and was about to step in.“Wait, you don’t believe in God, do you?”“No.” I did not want to lie to her again.“Swear in your name, then.”I turned and walk back to the elevator, because I could not stop lying. No one could livewithout lying. But I did not want to lie to her.“Come back.”“Sorry, I can’t stop lying.”“Just come back.” So I walked back to her apartment.“Come in.”“Is that permission for me to lie?”“You didn’t want to lie to me, did you?”“Well…”“That’s good enough.” She paused for a little.“Thank you.”40

“You’re thanking me?”“Thank you for not lying to me. Many guys would just promise me anything to get intomy house.”“I haven’t promised you that I won’t lie to you, though.”She laughed.“Do you realize you acted like a puppy?”“Who, me? Why do you say that?”“Because you came back when I told you to come here, and you walked away when Ididn’t tell to come here.”“Uh… so does that mean you are a mean owner?”“If you want me to be, I can really be a bad one.”“How about being a good one?”“I can’t” she said, with a sad glance into my eyes.“Why not?”“Because you are a bad dog.” She laughed.“Go run down to the bottom floor and come back up.”“Now!?”“That’s the penalty for lying.”So I ran down the stairs. I hadn’t noticed that she lived on the 16 th floor when went up toher apartment in the elevator, because I was busy trying to find an excuse for havingtaken so long to get there. It probably wasn’t the longest sixteen floors I had run, but itsurely was the most wearying. Her apartment was full of the smell of coffee and Chinesejasmine. The two smells should be terrible mixed together, but in her house the smell wassmooth. The coffee aroma was strong but the jasmine odor was still there. The weirdcombination was like heavy bass while a lullaby was playing. The smell of jasmine waslike the sun on a cloudy day, flashing in and out of my senses.“Close the door when you come in.”Her voice woke me from reveling in the special smell.“I just made you some coffee.” She handed me a cup of coffee.“Do you like coffee?”“Yeah, I like Blue Mountain.”“Do you?”“These coffee beans you’ve got are some good coffee beans.”“These coffee beans are real Blue Mountain coffee beans.”“What do you mean real?”“The real Blue Mountain coffee beans only grow 1800 meters above sea level in the BlueMountain area in Jamaica.”“To be honest, I can’t tell the difference between these coffee beans and the ones theysell in convenient stores.”“That coffee they sell in the convenience stores shouldn’t be considered coffee.”“Why not?”“Because it doesn’t have the aroma of coffee.”41

“Okay…but I still don’t know the difference.”She paused and stared at me, which made me feel somehow sinful. I didn’t know what tosay.“Why don’t you make yourself some coffee?” I asked, because I wanted her to changethe topic.“I can’t drink too much coffee. Actually, I shouldn’t drink any coffee.”“Why not?”“Because the doctor said so.”“What kind of doctor are you talking about?”Right after I asked her I recalled that Xue told me she had some kind of disease. She didnot reply to my question. She smiled. She smiled like she had in the restaurant; the softsmile.“A doctor.”“I mean why did the doctor say that?”“Because I have a weak body.”“I’m sorry to hear that.”We both paused.“So why do you buy these good coffee beans when you are not supposed to drinkcoffee?”“Do you always do what you’re supposed to do?”“Uh…I guess not.”“I like coffee. I like the smell of coffee. I like the taste of coffee. I don’t like the hospital.I don’t like medicine. I don’t like doctors. Are those enough reasons for buying goodcoffee beans?”The words she used were so powerful; I thought she might have been mad at me, she saidthe sentence in such an abnormal tone. Her tone was almost always the same. Her tonewas the same when she was mad or happy.“Are you mad at me?”“No.”“I really can’t tell if you’re angry at me or not, because you talk in the same way whetheryou are sad or happy.”“Talking is lying. Humans learned how to talk because they needed to communicate toeach other, and then they learned how to lie because they thought lies could protectthem.”“I don’t think lies can protect me.”“Exactly, so why are you lying?”“You are still mad that I brought you home late.”“No.” She shook her head, so I believed her even though she did not sound persuasive atall.“So why do you think I am lying?”“Because your color has gotten deeper.”42

“Oh, come on, give me a break.”“Light purple is attractive, but your purple is too dark. Your color looks almost likeblack.”“Clear white is sexy, and you’re sexy if you don’t talk about colors all the time.”“I’m serious.”“I’m serious, too. Why do you care about my colors so much anyways?”“Close your eyes.”“Why?”“Just close them.”So I did. For a moment nothing happened, so I started to think about the possibility thatshe would slap my face.She kissed me.“Do you feel anything?”“No, perhaps you should do it again so I can get a better and clearer feeling.”“You can’t.”“I can’t?”“You can’t feel anything, no matter how many times I do it.”“What should I feel? I know you kissed me.”“You can’t feel. You said those words because you are trying to act normal, trying to belike other people around you.”“Well, I don’t think I’m special.”“You are not special, but you don’t need to pretend that you are normal.”“Listen girl, I don’t get how you got that information, and I don’t care how you got thatinformation. But please stop acting like you know me so well. I don’t think we haveknown each other long enough for you to act like my mom and tell me what I should do.And hey, listen, I like being myself. I don’t pretend, I don’t hide, and I don’t lie.”I was mad.“Thanks for the coffee.” I left the cup on the table and put my coat on.“Sorry.”I felt like yelling at her, and was about to say “you don’t need to be so sorry, because Idon’t even know you that much.”But I saw tears running from her eyes when I turned around and was about to yell at her. Icould not yell at her. I could not leave her house, either. I sat back on the chair and startedto comfort her like I was the one who had done the wrong thing. She wouldn’t stopcrying.“Are you leaving?”“No, not before you stop crying.”So she did not stop.“Okay, I won’t leave.”43

It is so easy, like flipping a book to the next page. She stopped crying. I realized allwomen have unusual abilities. After she stopped crying, we did not say anything. Therain was still falling. It was nine o’clock.“I’m going to bed.”“You keep me here for so long just to tell me that you are going to bed?”“Not exactly.”“So what is it?”“Can you sing?”“Sing what?”“I like to hear lullabies before going to sleep.”“I don’t think I sing well, so may I please go home?”“Do you know you are the first one so eager to get out of here?”“Well, maybe I’m the first one in here.”“You are the first one who has had my coffee.”We both quieted down for a while.“Where is your room?”“Over there, but you are not going in. You can stay outside of the door and sing.”“Fine.”I walked to her door and stayed in front of the room. She walked past me and smiled.“Thank you and good night,” she said. I smelled the jasmine when she walked by me. Istarted to sing for a couple minutes, then I stopped and left the house. I was not sure ifshe was asleep, but I left anyway.Getting mad at people was always hard for me, but I was mad. I did not understand why Ihad gotten so mad. Was it because she said the truth? Was I pretending that I wasnormal? I was confused. What did I feel? What should I had felt? I did not know. I didnot understand why I had run up and down the stairs. I did not understand why I stayedthere for so long. I could not even be sure how I had smelled jasmine in a house full ofthe heavy smell of coffee. I did not understand why I had sung her the lullaby. I did notunderstand what had happened to me. Maybe I felt she was right. Maybe I knew she wasright. I could not disobey her. Maybe Sen was right. Living in lies was not all that bad.Maybe I was right, there was no lie. I lived without lying because I did not think I lied. Icould not think. I went back to my place and took a shower and went to bed. I could notthink.We all lieWe all sinHoly God,will you forgivewill you loveLust and Sloth, you aren’t my friend44

But your brothers areI am Gluttony and AvariceI am Envy and WrathI am PrideI’m sorry my lordI cannot have your privilegeI will always have prideWithout pride I am nothingI am nothing but a basket of dustWithout pride we are nothingNothing but all flourished ashesIt was my birthday. I woke up at two in the afternoon and found a million messages onmy cellphone. I had forgotten it was my birthday. I had done the same thing the previousyear also. People wondered how I could forget my birthday. To tell the truth, I had towork my ass off to earn enough money for daily spending. I worked on my birthday lastyear. I did not tell anyone and I forgot to bring my cellphone. Every one of my friendswas looking for me. Finally, Sen found me at the place where I worked, at twelveo’clock. He was mad at me. But I had truly forgotten that it was my birthday. I woke upand called Sen to ask him what was going on. He told me not to go to work, because wewere going to have some fun. I said I could not, because I had not talked to my boss. Hetold me everything was set, just to meet him at the pool hall as soon as I could. I wentthere and played pool until six. We went to get some food and then went to karaoke.There were so many people. Xue was there. I asked Sen why he had called her. He saidhe had not called her. She had called Sen because I would not pick up the phone. I did notwant to talk to Xue, but she came to talk to me. She asked me how was I doing and somestuff I cannot recall anymore. I told her I was doing great. That I was living well withouther and thanks for asking. She said she did not want to argue, and neither did I. So westopped talking. We stayed in the karaoke for more than six hours. It was one o’clock inthe morning when we got out. Sen had told everyone to go to his villa. It was huge; I hadnever been there before. I asked him when he had gotten the villa. He said “It’s yourbirthday man, don’t ask, just enjoy.” I enjoyed the party. I wondered if Xue had come tothe party because she knew the party would be held in Sen’s villa. I wondered if she hadcome to the party because she liked parties, not because it was my birthday. When it wasfive in the morning, everyone was tired. Sen and I were the only people awake. He toldme to go to the top floor. We were going to watch the sun rise.“Take these; they are the best things you can get.”Sen handed me some cigarettes.“Lighter.”We started to smoke.“How did you get his home?”“How much do you know about me, Fai?”45

I thought about it. I realized I had known Sen for many years, but I did not know himvery well.“Not much, I realize after coming to this house.”“Ha ha. Surprised?”“Yeah”“Are we friends?”I nodded my head.“That’s it. That is all you need to know and that is all I want to know.”I said nothing.“How is Meng doing?”“Don’t know.”“Don’t know or don’t want to know?”“She’s fine.”“Dude, you have to do something.”“I can’t, I don’t act normal when I stand close to her.”“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”“It is a weird feeling that I never got from other girls before.”“Love, you mean?”“I’m not sure.”“I thought you would never understand love.” Sen laughed.“Why?”“Because you are hiding.”“Hey, shut the hell up, I don’t want to hear anything about hiding or colors. You are ajerk and so is she.”“Na, yo, you’re the jerk.”“Listen, you don’t have feelings. You disconnect them. You lost feeling. You don’t careabout other people anymore.”“Hell no, if I didn’t have feelings, why would I be having this fancy party?”“That’s the only feeling you have left. I’m trying to pull you back, back to the regulartrack.”“So now you are saying I’m weird?”“Na, yo, I’m saying you shouldn’t act like you don’t care about other people.”“I don’t give a damn about my parents. I told you already. They can do whatever the hellthey want and that’s none of my business.”“I’m not talking about your parents though.”“So what are you talking about?”“Can you trust a person?”“Sure.”“No, you can’t. You live in a shell. You either let people in or you block them out.”“When you let other people in, you trust them.”“Trust your friends; I thought that was what you told me.”“No one can trust all their friends a hundred percent.”“You mean you don’t trust me.”“Exactly the opposite. You are the one I trust the most.”46

“Am I supposed to say thank you?”“No, you’re supposed to laugh and smoke another other cig.”We had run out of cigarettes so Sen went downstairs to get another pack.“Let’s get back to the question; how much do you know about me?”“I know your name. It is Sen.”I paused.“I know how you are; you are Sen. And I know what you like. You like cigs, that’s whywe are best friends.”“That’s good. The answers are why we are best friends.”“Why are you asking me this question anyways?”“Do you feel lonely standing in the middle of a crowd of people?”“I don’t think you do, because you can’t feel.”“True. I have not been lonely for a long time, not even when I’m by myself. Do youknow the feeling of having Nostradamus’s eye?”“You mean you can see the future?”“No, but I see further. I see the real cause of things. I see the best solution. What do youthink the future is?”“The future is tomorrow.”“Don’t you think the next second is part of the future?”“Things I can control are not the future.”“You never know what will happen the next second.”“I do. For example, I know I won’t be drowned in the next second.”“Now you should know what I mean. We are best friends because we have so manysimilarities. We see things the same way but express ourselves in different ways.”I thought about what he had been saying. I found it persuasive, beyond doubt.“Can you see your future now?”I paused and thought about the answer.“I can’t.”“It is because of Meng.”“How so?”“Because she is changing you. You can’t see your future because you don’t know whatyou’re changing to.”“But I can see your future. You’ll be successful, you’ll be bright, but some things have tohappen before you succeed.”“Like what?”“Love.”“You are talking about Meng, aren’t you?”“There are surely other paths that can unshell you, but love is the quickest.”“So what should I do?”“You shouldn’t do anything. Let your instinct guide you through the darkness that hasbeen created by the shell.”“Why do you talk like the freakin’ old man in The Lord of The Rings?”“You mean the ‘wise’ old man? Because I see further than you, further than mostpeople.” Sen laughed as I gave him my middle finger.“Why did you invite Xue?”47

“I told you already. I didn’t invite her. She called me to see if you were gonna celebrateyour birthday.”“You know I can’t stand her.”“I thought you didn’t care about her at all.”“How can I not care? We didn’t even break up that long ago, and now you invite her tomy birthday party?”“Did she bite you?”“No, but…”“Man, why do you care about little things so much?”“I’m just pissed. What if I invited your ex-girl friend when she had just dumped you?”“I’d try to get her drunk and bang her from behind.”“You are a sick man. And tell you what, you sound even wiser now.”“You tell me what I should do then.”“I don’t care.”“Na, it’s like you’re saying I should be pissed at my friend when my ex-girl friend isactually doing nothing to me.”“I’m not mad at you.”“Okay, so why do you care about this little thing so much?”“I just don’t feel comfortable being with her anymore.”“Alright, I won’t let her come the next time.”We stopped talking for a while and smoked some cigarettes. I smoked so much that mylungs were hurting, but I did not stop. I could not stop because Sen was still smoking. Icould not stop when my friend was smoking.“Don’t you think Xue is a symbol?”“What?”“I think she is a symbol.”“I don’t care what she is.”“I’m just saying it is funny her parents named her Xue.”“I thought about it too.”“She is the exact opposite of her name.”“What do you know about her?”“Well, I don’t think I know her as much as you do and I don’t think I know her a lot but Iget a feeling that she’s a rose with thorns. She might look good, but she’s got someissues.”“Money.”“She likes money more than any other thing.”“Well, I don’t consider that an issue, because there are a lot of people who love moneymore than any thing else.”“I understand that, but still I think it’s an issue.”“You know what I think? I think it’s because you got dumped. That’s why you think it’san issue.”“Anyways, that’s not the point. What issues do you think she has?”“I don’t know. I told you I don’t know her that much. It was just a feeling.”“She’s got a prejudice against everything.”48

“What do you mean?”“In her world, things are either beautiful or ugly; there is nothing in between.”“That’s extreme.”“The worst thing is that she changes her taste so often.”Sen laughed.“That’s mad funny. She is so messed up.”“Sometimes I really think you are not that smart. You just got one of those women’s sixthsenses.”“Whatever. I probably do.”We each smoked a pack in two hours. It was seven in the morning. The sun rose. NeitherI nor Sen noticed it. We talked about symbols. What was the meaning of my name? Fai, Iwondered. Maybe my parents wanted me to fly like the birds in the sky, fly without anyburdens. Maybe it simply meant false or wrong. Who knew? Maybe I became both, thatwas why I could not fly without burdens.Do we make a chance or take a chance?I realized Meng had called me on my birthday. She called me when I was talking to Senon the top floor. I had not brought my cellphone with me. Either I forgot it or I just didnot expect someone to call me. She called me many times and even sent me a shortmessage. In the message, she said happy birthday, and why didn’t I pick up the phone.After I talked to Sen, I was tired. I went straight to bed. Later, I asked Meng why she hadnot come to the party. She said she did not like parties.It was December 15 th . She asked me to take her out to celebrate our knowing each otherfor one year. We went to the movies. She dressed up like a little princess. She wasbeautiful. I can not remember what kind of movie we watched, but I know it was notscary. I remember it was a very complex movie. It was complex because of the storyrather than the filming technique. I remember that because Meng did not understandanything. She kept asking me what was going on in the movie. When we got out of thetheater I asked her:“How did you like the movie?”“It would have been good if I could have understood it.”“I’ll take that to mean you didn’t enjoy the movie.”“I enjoyed it. I enjoyed your explanations, even though I still don’t understand much ofit.”I laughed.“Maybe we should watch some love movie next time.”“I don’t like to watch movies that have no inspiration.”“Neither do I, but sometimes love movies can be inspiring.”“Like what kind of inspiration? Inspiring you how to get girls?”“Well…”49

“Don’t you think tricks might work on girls for a little while, then lose their magic if thesomeone in the couple changes?”“That happens, but not if the couple is flexible.”“Flexible?”“When people fall in love with each other, they usually don’t see each other’simperfections. People find those out after they get married or live together.”I paused.“When people find out about those imperfections, there are many kinds of reactions thattake place. Arguing and fighting are the most common reactions. Once people feel regret,they use the little techniques that you can learn from movies to fix the gap, so that’s howpeople can learn from love movies.”I paused again.“But why do people feel regret? That’s a fun thing to look at.”I stopped talking for a while.“And?”“And what?”“You sound like you are not finished.”“Well, do you really want to hear all this? I thought it is kind of boring.”“I am a writer.”“I know.”“I like to hear different thoughts.”“I thought you observed people rather than listening to their words.”“It depends.”“Why?”“You won’t lie to me; you promised.”“True, but I thought observation was your trusted method of collecting writing material.”“It depends, again.”“Why?”“I write different stories than other writers.”“Different how?”“The difference is like that between love movies and the movie we watched.”“So you mean your writing is better?”“Not necessarily; some people like love movies.”“What does that have to do with observing?”“To observe normal people is easily. They don’t think much. But to observe a specialperson is not easy. It might take years of close observation.”“So, I’m special” I laughed.“I can’t know what you are thinking. That is why you are special.”“I think you do pretty well for someone accusing me of hiding.”“I guess, but when I observe other people, I know; I don’t need to guess.”“Why do you think I am hiding, then?”“It’s like I am looking for something and find out there is nothing. So where dideverything go?”“I ate it all,” I laughed.“There are other possibilities, such as the room is too dark, so I can’t find anything.”50

She continued. “For example: Your room is purple, a dark purple. It is dark so you canhide things in the dark.”“That sounds pretty scientific. Maybe someplace in my head is purple,” I laughed.“I don’t like dark purple and I don’t like you darkening it.”“Oh, okay. Hey, thanks for reminding me that my color is purple, again.”“I am serious.”“I know.”We paused.“Have you met someone that has the color black?” I tried to change the topic.“Yeah, you are getting close to black right now.”“Hey, thanks, ‘again’.”“Your best friend has the color black.”“Sen?”“I have seen many people, even some serious criminals, but I have never seen a real solidblack color.”“That is not possible.”“That is what I thought at first. I think he has every kind of color within him. He mightknow how to show different colors in different situations. But he definitely has a pureblack color within him.”I said nothing.I thought about it. I thought about what Meng had just said. It was shocking. It wasshocking because it was true. Sen was too normal. He was sad when he was supposed tobe sad. He was happy when he was supposed to be happy. He had all the right reactionsat the right times. I almost felt I was a friend of a robot installed with human emotionfunctions after Meng said what she’d said.“I didn’t think a human being could possibly be that way” Meng said.“What does black mean?”“Hatred.”“Why can’t you see through hatred?”“Hatred is unpredictable. Hatred is unpredictable because emotions can turn to hatredeasily, just like any kind of color can turn into black if it is darkened enough.”“So how do you know when a person’s color is getting darker?”“For example: if you see something like purple but not quite purple, then the color isdarkened.”If colors are emotions or personalities, Sen had a clear personality and emotions. Sen’semotions were so pure, mad is mad, and sad is sad. Meng told me later that Sen’semotions were like pure colors. Pure color can be blue, red, or yellow. It can be everycolor. But you could not tell what Sen’s real color was.I did not want to think about Sen anymore. I was his best friend. I trusted that he wasbeing real to me. I did not want to think about him anymore, so I switched the topic.“I don’t get it.”51

“What?”“I don’t get the color that you are saying the whole time.”“It’s just a feeling.”“What? A feeling?”“What do you think it is?”“I thought it was metaphor of something. Something like personality or emotions.”“It’s just a feeling.”“Why did you describe black as hatred then?”“Because black feels like hatred.”“You know what? I like your logic, a lot.”“Thanks.”“So all the colors of things are just basically your feelings?”“Right.”“Oh, my god. I think I am just wasting my time, hearing something which I’d thoughtwas very deep.”“Is it deep?”“No, not at all.”“I don’t think so either.”We paused as we walked to the MRT station. She said she wanted to shop so I went withher. After she had finished shopping, I took her to dinner. The restaurant we went to wasnot fancy or expensive. I brought her to a small restaurant that people almost consider avendor. I like the restaurant because I know the owner fairly well. I used to go there atnight when I was hungry or went with friends after we played basketball after school. Weordered and started eating. We did not talk much. I asked her if she liked the food. Shesaid nothing but instead nodded her head lightly. Her nods were so light I could not tellwhether it was civility or a commendation. I asked her if she wanted to go home. She saidit was still early and she wanted to walk around, so I took her to an elementary schoolclose by. She sat on a swing and asked me to push her. She was light. I pushed too hardthe first time. The swing went high and she screamed. The swing went high but I did notthink it was so high that someone should scream. I told her I was sorry after she camedown. She giggled and said it was okay but I needed to be punished for doing the wrongthing. She said the punishment was undecided. She would tell me when she found a goodone. It was ten o’clock. I asked her again if she wanted to go home. She told me shewanted to see the night view of the city, so I brought her to a place near my old house. Itwas a famous place for couples to watch Taipei at night. We found a place to sit down.“What did you say about the couple when we got out of the movie?”“Oh, uh I don’t remember what I actually said.”“You said something about flexibility and regret.”“Oh, oh yeah. I said people get together and fight after they find out about each other’simperfections. Why?”“Nothing, just trying to find interesting material for my next piece of writing.”“Oh, okay, so you want me to finish my theory?”“Yes.”52

“If one of the couples is flexible, then the anger will pretty much be absorbed by theflexible one.”I kept going.“Until the flexible one reaches his or hers tipping point; then a fight will take place.If the couples want to be together, then they feel regret, and use methods they learn frommovies, and get together again.”I continued.“But why do they feel regret? There can be many reasons; the positive ones could be theirshared memories, or sympathy, and filthy ones could be money, sex, or vanity.”“Vanity?”“Maybe the girl is hot or the guy is handsome.”I kept on going.“But most of couples fight all the time and are still together. Why? It is because mostpeople are born masochistic and at the same time are extremely self-confident. Theybelieve their other half will change for them. They believe their other half will change forthem because of love.”“So people end up torturing themselves.”“But, this is because of the masochism built into them. People complain about theirlovers all the time, but they still are together.”“Flexible people don’t complain a lot.”“They love until someday they don’t want to love anymore.”“When will they stop loving?”“One day they won’t be able to take the anger anymore and then they become inflexiblepeople.”“That’s sad.”“It is, but not that sad. Some people are fully flexible. They will not stop loving beforetheir lovers want them to stop.”“What happens if two fully flexible people get together?”“They will stay together forever until one of them dies.”“Why can’t you say something romantic?”“Well, this topic is not romantic enough – plus, I don’t think any romantic things meananything to either you or me.”“Are you flexible?”“Not always.”“Are you fully flexible?”“Sometimes.”We both paused.She suddenly moved right next to me and leaned her head on my chest.“Today is my birthday.”I was shocked.“Uh, happy birthday?”“Why did you raise your voice at the end?”“Uh, because I’m surprised, and I’m not sure what to say.”“Thank you.” She said it softly. It was so soft, just like a whisper between lovers.I did not know why she leaned toward me. I did not know what was going on. I was notsure whether I should take advantage of it or not. I was not sure I liked her or not.53

No one said anything after that “Thank you.” I brought her back to her house at abouttwelve o’clock. She said thank you again, and walked into her house. When she wasabout to close the door, I burst out with a sentence. A sentence that probably meant‘begin.’“I can be fully flexible.”“I’m fully flexible,” she laughed. Ah, it was a soft laugh that I had not heard for a while.“Good night,” she said.“Good night.”Pedestrian lifewith a prominenta prominent mindEasy was never too easy andHappy was never too happy.Meng and I started to get together even though I did not officially ask her to be mygirlfriend. I would call her when I was free and she called me often. I did not have muchtime to see her because I was too busy earning money and doing work for school. Imajored in computer programming because I knew people got well paid if they majoredin computer programming. I did not like my major. I did not like the professor. I did notlike anyone who was taking that course. But I did not quit. Any job was good as long as Icould earn a little money. Sen told me I should have quit the job. He knew I liked todraw. He knew I liked to design things and I was good at it. He told me I should have quitcomputer programming and majored in design. I told him design could not give memoney. He then stopped trying to convince me.Computer programming was not that hard, but it takes people a lot of time. It was likewriting a novel without trying to make the words look fancy or trying to put in anycreativity. The process of computer programming has one purpose: to make the programwork. I felt like I was a machine whenever I was writing a program. I believed acomputer program pioneer could actually freeze and turn into a machine one day.Because of my major and my job and also because I was graduating and needed to find ajob, I did not have much time left for Meng. We had our conversations mostly on thephone. She did not care much. I was thankful that she understood I was busy. Most of thegirls could not stand it when they did not see their boyfriends often. The girls would justget a new boyfriend. Maybe Meng did not think I was her boy, or maybe I was just beingwishful. I quit the dancing club after my 21st birthday so I could have more time to work54

on my thesis project and have more time to spend with Meng. Maybe I did not want tosee Xue anymore.Experiences are gainednot told or givenWe have eyes sowe can see the world ourselvesWe have eyes sowe can see colorsDon’t judge when you see different thingsbecause they are just different colors.I finally graduated and found a job that paid me pretty well. Every one of my friends wasthere for my graduation, but none of my family members. Many people asked me wheremy parents were, and I told them they were sick at home. Were they sick? Maybe, whoknew? I called my father after the graduation. I told him I had graduated. He saidcongratulations, and we had a long talk about what kind of job I should look for. He didnot make a whole lot of sense when he talked. At the end of our talk he told me he wassorry. He was sorry for making my life miserable. He was sorry that he could not leaveanything for me. I told him that he had given me twenty good year, and I appreciated that.I really did. After I hung up the phone, I felt released. Release was something that I hadnot felt for a long time.I took Meng to dinner that night. I asked her what she wanted to eat. She said anythingwas fine. I took her to an expensive Japanese restaurant that I used to go to often. Wewalked in and the waitresses still remembered me. They asked what happened – why Ihadn’t been there for so long. I told them my family moved to another city. The managereven came out and said ‘Hi’ to us. I wondered whether, if they knew my father wasbroke, they would still be nice to me. Meng did not eat much, so I asked her if she didnot like the food. I told her if she did not like the food we could change restaurants. Mengdid not like the restaurant. She said the food was outstanding, but she felt pressure eatingthere. I asked what kind of pressure. She told me the people who worked there lookedhappy, but none of them really were. They pretended they were happy because they didnot want to lose their jobs. I laughed. I could not think of anyone who wasn’t actuallypretending to enjoy their job, but I did not say it. I did not tell Meng what I thought.After we finished dinner, I walked her back to her house. On our way to her house, shetold me she liked the restaurant that I brought her to on her birthday. She said the ownerof the restaurant really liked his job, even though the restaurant was so small. I stoppedwalking and thought about something that had never bothered me before. What was moreimportant to me, money or life? Everyone had their own way to balance leisure and work.55

My way was not balanced. Before I met Meng, I worked; I worked harder and tried to getmore money. Sen was right. I did not have any emotions. I did not understand what joyswere. I did not need leisure. I slept when I was tired and when I was not tired, I worked.After I met Meng, I started to want to save more time to spend with her. I had never feltsomeone was more important than myself before. I had never felt that before.Vanity is vanityandLove is loveI got a job at a software company. It was a well-paid job, and as you worked harder youearned more at the end of the year as a kind of extra dividend. One day, Meng told meher novel had been published in a news paper. I read it. It was about men and women inrelationships. She wrote the things I had said to her on her birthday. She wrote that into astory, a story full of the dark side of humanity but with a surprise ending. The femalemain character was supposed to be a vainglorious woman. She would not leave the manbecause he was rich and handsome, but at the end she died for him, and said: “I lovedyou, and I still love you. They say I’m foolish and vain, but I love you, truly.” I did notlike the story. I did not like the story because I did not like to read love stories. She didnot ask me what I thought about the novel and I did not tell her what I thought. I kneweven she did not like the story. She did not mean to write a surprise ending. She knewthat would not happen in reality. She was just trying to prove that she could writesomething that people would like. We all knew vanity was vanity, love was love. Therewould be no vanity that could transform itself into love, ever.Day after dayWaiting for another dayDay after dayMaybe tomorrow is the dayMeng had a weak body. I did not know how weak it was until I could feel it. Her bodywas getting weaker and weaker. She could not eat as much as she ate before. Shesometimes fainted when she was talking to me on the phone. I could tell she had faintedwhen she sometimes just stopped doing what she was doing for a couple seconds. I knewshe had a weak body. I knew it, but I did not have time to take care of her. I had to earnmoney.One day she told me she wanted to go to the beach. It was ten o’clock at night. I told her Iwould take her to beach on the weekend.56

“I want to go to the beach.”“When? This weekend?”“Now.”“I’ll take you to the beach this weekend.”“I want to go now.”“It’s ten o’clock at night, lady. There is nothing but cold at the beach when it is teno’clock at night.”“I want to go to the beach.”“I just got back from work. I’m tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow.”“Please.”“There is really nothing there. Why don’t we go on Sunday?”“I want to go to the beach now.”“I can’t take you. I’m tired and I have to work tomorrow.”“Please.”“Stop being immature, Meng.”“I’m sorry.”She hung up the phone.I was tired. I did not know why I got dressed and grabbed two of my coats and went toher house. I rang her doorbell. She opened the door.“Where are you going?”“I thought you wanted to go to the beach.”“I thought you needed to work tomorrow.”“Go put on some more clothes. It’s cold.”She went into her room and got fully dressed.I drove her to the closest beach, but she said that the beach was ugly, and she wanted togo to another one. Honestly, I could not tell if there were any differences between them atnight.“Here.”I gave her my coat when we arrived. She wore the coat and said nothing. We found aplace to sit.“Why did you want to come to this beach at night – especially tonight?”“I just wanted to.”“That sounds reasonable.”“I have not seen the stars for a long time.”“Well, unfortunately there aren’t many stars tonight.”“It’s okay.”We paused.“Do you want to go for a walk?” She asked.“Sure.”So we started walking.57

“Do you know if we walked together around this beach fifty times, we could make aspecial wish?”“Fifty times!?! If we do, I think I could go straight to my company tomorrow morning.”“Let’s start walking so we don’t take too long.”“You know what, I think we can make a wish anywhere and anytime. Please don’t do thisto me.”“Let’s start walking. It’s different. If we make a wish here, the wish will come true.”“What wish are you going to make anyways?”“It’s a secret. It won’t come true if I tell you.”“Okay…”We started to walk. Her hands felt cold so I held them tight. She fainted after the fortyninthlap. She was tired and could not walk anymore, but she would not give up. I carriedher for the last lap. I never knew I was that strong. Meng made a wish and so did I. Shesmiled and said “let’s go back now.”Meng was asleep on our way back. I carried her from my scooter to her house and to herroom. It was the first time I had been in her room. I put her on the bed and covered herwith her blankets. Her room was clean and every color in her room looked soft. It was acomfortable room. When I was just about to leave, she woke up. She called my name. Ithought she was talking in her sleep, so I said goodnight and turned off the light.“Come back, Fai.”I realized she was not talking in her sleep.“Go to sleep, you are tired.”“What was your wish?”“I thought if I said it, the wish wouldn’t come true.”“That’s for girls only.”“I wished that you would get healthier.”“Good night.” She smiled and fell asleep.“Good night.”Too many coins are sitting in the fountainToo many wishes are made all of a suddenToo many “I love you”s are toldToo many sighs are soldThey all lose meaningI need to pull out my memoryAnd I am sorryI felt Meng was getting sicker. I felt it, but I did not know, because there was nothingwrong with her. She did not faint more often. She ate as much as usual. She was normal,but I felt something was wrong. I felt she was getting sicker. It was just a feeling. One58

day, I was smoking outside of the place I worked. I was waiting for Sen and his friends togo to lunch. Meng walked by. She was looking for me.“Uh, hi, why are you here?”“Why are you smoking?”“Because, uh, because, I’m waiting for Sen.”“That has nothing to do with smoking.”“I know.”“Do you know smoking is bad for you?”“I know.”“Why are you smoking?”“I don’t know. It’s like a system built into me. I can’t stop smoking.”“Why did I never know you smoke?”“You never asked me before.”“If I asked would you have told me?”“I don’t think so…”“Why did I never find you smelling like cigarettes?”“I knew you wouldn’t like me smoking.”She paused.I was afraid. I was afraid she was mad at me. I had forgotten about being afraid for a longtime.“Will you quit?”“No.”“Will you quit for me?”“No…please…stop…”“What can I do to make you quit?”“NO, NOTHING CAN MAKE ME QUIT SMOKING..” I said it with all the strengththat I could possibly gather from my body. I was afraid. I was afraid that I was eithergoing to lose the right to smoke or lose Meng.We both paused.“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you hated smokers so much.”“I don’t hate smokers. I hate liars.”“I didn’t lie. I just…”“I didn’t say you lied.”“Huh?”“Smoking is unhealthy. It’s not good for you.”“I’m sorry.”“I made lunch for you.”“What? Thanks.”“You’re welcome.” She smiled.“You came this far to give me lunch?”“Yes.”59

I paused for a moment.“Thank you.”“Don’t smoke that much, just for me, okay?”“I’ll try.”“I’m going back. See you tonight.”“Be careful walking on the streets.”“I’m not a child anymore.”“Just be careful.”“I will. Bye.”“Bye.”After we had gone to the beach together, she asked me to go to her house before I wentback to mine. Before seeing her, I normally went back to my house first and took ashower, because I did not want her to know that I smoked. That time, I was busted. Shesaid nothing. I was glad that I did not lose her or cigarettes.Sen was around when Meng was asking me to quit. That jerk did not even try to help hisfriend out. I knew he saw everything when he came because he came right after Mengleft.“Jerk.” I punched Sen in the chest.“Chill, son – why are you so mad?”“I know you saw everything.”“Oh, hell, yeah, she was good. She almost got you to give up smoking.” Sen laughed.“Why didn’t you help me out?”“Why should I?”I wanted to give him another punch, but I saved my anger. I knew he was going to saysomething that would make me madder.“Plus, if I helped, I’d lose a great show.”I saved my anger again.“This is the first time I see you in a disadvantageous situation. And the funniest thing isthat your opponent is a girl.” Sen laughed until he was practically out of breath.“Is it so funny?” I said coldly.“Time to say hello to your little friend.” I showed him my fist.“Uh, chill dude, we are civilized people. Violence is not necessary…”I started beating on him before he’d finished speaking.“Alright, I’m not going to lunch” I said after I’d beaten him up.“Why not?”“Meng made lunch for me already.”“Oh, yeah, what are friends for? When their chick comes by, they forget all about theirfriends.”“Well, I’m eating the lunch she made for me anyways.”“You can eat that in the restaurant. Come on, let’s go.”“Alright.”60

Going to lunch with Sen carrying the homemade lunch by Meng was the stupidest thingthat I had ever done. Sen made so much fun of me. He said:“Hey, look at this guy; he’s got his girlfriend-made lunch. There are weird people in thisworld. They bring their girlfriend-made lunch to restaurants. Hello, Fai, why are youlooking at me? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m not talking about you.”Sen even stopped a waitress and said:“Hey, do you know why some people go to restaurants but don’t order? It’s because theybring their own lunch.”When Sen was paying the check, he turned to me and said:“I’m sorry my brother. That’s what you got when you punched me.” Sen laughed andgave me a sad glance and a helpless face.RainI stand in rainI stand in rain and hopeHope it’s not too lateRainI run in rainI run in rain and thinkThink it’s not too lateRainI search in rainI search in rain and learnLearn not to be lateIt was a rainy day. It was a stormy day. A typhoon was striking Taiwan. The typhoon waslike a hurricane, but a hurricane in the western Pacific. Normally, there were at least oneor two typhoons that hit Taiwan during the summer. Some of the typhoons wereharmless. And most of the typhoons were not as bad as the hurricanes in America, butstill it was something that might make a city a mess. The typhoon was not small. The citywas out of power. I was sleeping because I did not have to go to work that day. It was thefirst time I thought that a day off because of a typhoon was not bad, even though I knewpeople could die from the typhoon. I slept until eleven o’clock in the morning; then mycellphone rang.“Hello?”“Hello.”“Meng?”“Can you come to my house?”61

“Your house? Right now?”“Yes”“Why?”“I’m scared.”“It’s okay. It’s just a typhoon.”“Will you come?”“I’ll come, okay? Don’t do anything stupid.”“When?”“Not now, it’s raining too hard right now.”“I’ll come find you.”She hung up the phone.“Hello?”“Meng?”I tried to call her back but the message showed her cellphone was off. Her battery had runout. I got dressed and ran to her house. Nothing would happen, I said to myself. I wouldnot let anything happen. I ran into the street. I ran and searched through the streets but Icould not found her. This was the first time I had ever felt that the streets we lived onwere the longest streets in the world. They were endless. No matter how hard I ran, Icould not find her or her house. The typhoon had really messed up Taipei city. The treeson the sidewalks were uprooted. Some of the cars had been hit by falling signs. I wasworried. I was worried that I would not find her.After the longest thirty minutes in my life, I found Meng. She was tramping along, andlooked like she was about to fall. I ran to her.“Here you are. I could not find your house.” She smiled but her face was all white.“Come on.”I carried her backed to my place. I put her on my bed. She did not lie on my bed. She satthere and smiled at me while I was cleaning the dirt we’d left on the floor when wewalked in.“Why don’t you just stay in your house? You know I will go.”She shook her head.“I want to see you earlier.”“It’s dangerous.”“I’m here. What’s dangerous?” Meng smiled.“Don’t do this next time. It’s dangerous.”“My cellphone ran out of batteries.”“I know.”“I was scared.”“But you could’ve waited.”“I can’t. It’s different.”62

“What’s different?”“You want to see me and I want to see you.”“If you want to see me, I’ll go to your house. Me going to your house is not as dangerousas you coming to my house.”“Then it sounds like you want to see me again.” She pouted her lips.I did not want to reply to her.Her face turned red and she started to feel uncomfortable after a couple hours. Her headwas so hot. I did not know what to do. I went to the kitchen to cook ginger soup. It wouldmake people who had just caught a cold feel better. I was not sure if I should ask her ifshe wanted to take a hot bath or not, but I asked anyway.“Do you want to take a hot bath?”“Can I trust you?”“I don’t think you should.”“But I can.” She smiled.“I ran hot water in the bath, but I don’t have girl’s clothes.”“Do you have pajamas?”“I do, but I don’t wear them often, so I’m not sure about the size.”“It’s ok, I’ll try.”So I went to cook ginger soup and she went to take a bath. After a while, the soup hadalmost gone cold and she was still in the bath. I felt something was wrong. I called hername but no one answered. I yelled her name, but still no one answered. I open the doorof my bathroom. She was sleeping in the bath tub. I did not know what to do. I stoodthere for a minute. Then I decide to wake her up.“Meng?”“Meng? Time to wake up.” I shook her shoulder.She woke up and screamed.“What are you doing? Get out!” She tried to cover herself by bending her legs toward herchest.“Uh, don’t you think you are the one who should get out?”“Turn around, then talk.”“Okay…You came in here an hour ago already. I called your name but no one answered,so I came in to check.”She said nothing.“Look, the water is cold. I’m not lying to you.”“I didn’t think you were lying to me.”“Do you want to get out or stay in there?”“Get out.”“Okay, so get out.”“Can I have a towel and can you leave the room?”“Sure.”63

She came out of the bathroom a couple minutes later with my pajamas on.“Here is the ginger soup.”“Thank you.”And she asked:“What did you see in the bathroom?”I laughed first, but her face was red and it seemed she was about to get mad, so Ianswered.“Honestly?”“No, I don’t want to hear an honest answer.”I laughed again.“Okay, I saw nothing, absolutely nothing.”Her face turned red. I pretended I did not know what was going on, so I asked:“What happened? Are you still cold? Why is your face so red?”“Go do your work. I’m fine.” She tried to look angry but she only looked seductive.“Oh, okay.”I went to take a quick shower and went to bed. I saw Meng sitting at the table, deep inthought, after I got out of the shower. I did not want to bother her, so I went to bed. Notlong after I had fallen asleep, Meng woke me up.“Why are you sleeping?”“I thought you said I should go do my work.”“I did not tell you to go to sleep.”“That’s my work today. I’m tired, so I went to sleep.”“I’m tired too.”She got under the blankets without my permission. I thought she might have forgottenwhat happened in the bathroom. I threw my arms around her body. She did not resist, andinstead she moved more of her body into my hug. I could not see her face. We lay on thebed facing the same direction.“Do you want to be my girl?”She did not answer and instead she held my hands tight. I did not care that she did notanswer me right away because she was still in my arms.“I don’t know.”“What do you mean? Do you need time?”“I don’t need time.”“So what do you mean, you don’t know?”“Will you love me more if I say yes?”“No.”“Why?”64

“I’m giving you everything I can give you now, so no matter what your answer is, itwon’t change anything.”She sighed.“I know.”“So yes or no?”“Can I say no?” She turned around.“You can’t.” I kissed her.So the night went on.Disaster is a swordhurts your hand whenholding the bladegains strength whenholding the handleI found the blunt part of the bladeBecause I could never find the handle.Meng’s lease was up and she wanted to live with me. I brought her bed to my house and Itried to put our two beds together so we could have a larger bed, but I failed. Meng saidshe did not care if we slept together on a small bed, so I stopped trying. She fell ill notlong after she moved in. She needed to go to the hospital. I thought it was a small cold atfirst. I thought she would be fine after a couple weeks, but she was not. She went into thehospital for the rest her life. It was not a cold. It was a kind of disease. She did not havethe money to stay so long in the hospital so I paid for her. I did not have much moneyeither. I suddenly remembered the extra dividend system. I started to take other people’sjobs just to earn more money. I knew it made my colleagues hate me. They all thought Iwas just trying to catch the boss’s attention. I was; I needed money. I needed a lot ofmoney. My life was totally occupied with my job and Meng. I went to work from eight inthe morning to ten at night and I went to the hospital to stay with Meng until two or threein the morning; then I went back to my house to sleep. It was lucky my job was to be acomputer pioneer. My job required no social life after work, so I did not need to havedinner with customers or something like that. Eventually, my hard work caught myboss’s attention. He raised my salary. My salary was still too little to pay for Meng’s stayin the hospital. I went to people that I knew for money. At last I found Sen. I asked him ifI could borrow some money. He helped me. He gave all his private savings to me.Finally, it was enough – until one day the doctor said Meng needed another surgery.“Fai, I’m fine. I don’t need that surgery.”65

“I’ll get the money. So just relax, it’s no big deal.”“Fai…Let me go, please…”“You don’t understand what you are saying.”“I do. It hurts. My heart hurts. I don’t want to see you go looking for money anymore.Just promise me you will live well…”“Shut up! We walked around the beach fifty times. I don’t care what you think; I willmake my wish come true.”Your tears were running down.“Don’t worry. Look, I’m still strong. I can work more to get the money.”“I just want you to be happy.”“You don’t understand. You don’t understand as long as you are alive I’m happy.”You stopped talking because you had fainted.I called the nurse and the nurse said you were okay; but you did not wake up, so I left.My father called me a couple days later. I did not know where he had heard that I waslooking for money, but he knew.“I’m sorry that because of me the bank wouldn’t let you raise a loan.”“It’s okay, dad. I’ll find a way to get the money.”“I have money.”“I know, but that’s your last money; you need that money for rest of your life.”“I have some more money that your mother and you did not know about. Give me yourbank account number and I’ll put that money in tomorrow.”“Really? Thanks dad, I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”“Sure.”I got the money and Meng had the surgery. I did not understand that “sure” was the lastword I would hear from my dead. He swallowed sleeping pills and died on his bed. Heleft a message for me:“Fai:I’m sorry for what I did to you for your entire life. I ruined your life. You are my onlyson. I cannot see you suffer. Don’t feel guilty, because I did not decide to commit suicidebecause you needed the money. I am a hopeless old man. I can’t live without dignity. Iwas once a billionaire. I can’t allow myself an ignoble existence. I’ve already put aside alittle money for my funeral. I have written down everything about my funeral and havealready arranged it. Just remember to come. Old men die, young men live; fair enough.”I had no tears. I had no tears not because I felt he had ruined my life. He never did ruinmy life. I told him the truth. I appreciated the twenty years of good life he gave me. Iloved that old man, even when he was broke and his wife left him. He was my dad. I didnot cry at the funeral. I appreciated the people who came to his funeral. I truly66

appreciated them. I did not cry because I could not. If I cried, who would take care ofMeng? I did not collapse. I could not.Running like there is no tomorrowWorking like there is no tomorrowWhat is it that makes us die to hold a dingy job?Dying to earn that little money?For big cars?For a big house?What is it that makes us work so hard?Working so hard that tomorrow will soon be todayWorking so hard that tomorrow is todayAh, it’s a hateful love.I did not let Meng know my father had died for her, because I knew that after the surgery,Meng would not get better. The surgery only extended her life, it did not heal her. I keptworking hard. Day after day passed. It was Meng’s birthday. I got out of my job at five,the regular time to go off work. I went straight to the hospital to see Meng. I asked Mengif there was anything she wanted to eat that I could bring back for her.“I want to go outside.”“You can’t; your body is too weak. When you get better, we’ll go together.”“Don’t lie, I know my body. Maybe I will not get better.”“Let’s stop this. What do you want to eat?”“I want to go to the small restaurant that you brought me to the first time you knew it wasmy birthday. I want to go to sit on that swing, and I want you to push me again.”“When you get better we’ll…”“Do you remember you still owe me a penalty?”“Yes, but…”“Please.”“I can’t…I…”“Fai, you want to see me happy, don’t you?”“Yes.”“Let’s go then.”“I…okay…Let me grab a coat for you.”So we went to the restaurant. You talked a lot that day. You talk to the owner and askedwhy he was happy to own that small shop and did not try to make his shop bigger. I knewyou meant to ask that for me. You wanted me to hear the answer, but you did not know Iwas not listening. I was concentrating on looking at you. I did not want to lose anysecond together ever again. We went to the swing and I pushed you. I did not push toohard this time, because I knew you were light.67

“Do you know why your wish is not coming true?”“It is.”“It’s because you told me your wish.”“You said it only works on girls.”“I lied.”“So what was your wish?”“I’m not going to tell you. I’m going to write a note so you will know it.”“Where is the note?”“I haven’t written it yet.”“Is it going to lose its magic when you write it down on paper?”“Not really.”“Not really?”“I’ll explain it to you in the note.”We both did not speak for a while.“I wonder if your purple will get darker when I’m gone.”“You’re not going anywhere. You’re mine.”“It will.”“It won’t”“It will.”“I say it won’t.”“Promise me that you won’t let your purple get darker.”“I, Fai, promise I won’t let my purple get darker.”“Swear in your name.”“I, Fai, swear that I won’t let my purple get darker, in the name of Fai.”You smiled.“I’m tired. Let’s go back.”I brought you back to the hospital and fell asleep before you did. When I woke up, I sawyou smiling. I called your name, but you did not answer. I thought you had fainted, so Icalled the nurse. When she came in, she told me your heart had stopped. I saw the note inyour hand.“To my Dearest Fai:I grew up in a foster family because when I was born they knew I had a weak body and Imight not be able to live over the age of ten. I had a very rare disease. I can not have anystrong emotions. I mean I should not, because my heart can not afford the sudden bloodpressure. That’s why you see me faint sometimes. The doctor was obviously wrong aboutthe time of my death. He did not think any child could control their emotions so well. Iknow I should not have fallen in love with anyone, but I did. I could not help myself. Icannot pull myself out. I love you. I love Fai. I’m sorry. I’m just another selfish woman.Do you want to know what my wish was? I wished you would be happy with or withoutme. This wish can come true, because I did not say it and the person who made the wishis dead. I did not tell you that the wish can come true only if the person who made thewish is dead. I’m afraid you will die for me. I’m afraid that you will leave me alone. I’m68

sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry. I love you. Don’t feel guilt about my death. I washappy every second since you said you could be flexible. You gave me many feelingsthat I had never felt before. I know my wish is going to come true; remember what youpromised me.Your love forever, Meng”The telling of the story is over.What is a tragedy? When everything falls apart? When everyone leaves you alone in thisiron cage? Tragedy, to me, is when I lose the energy to live, to keep moving forward.Death does mean vanished. For the one that still lives, life moves on. What is the purposeof life? One little thing that is worth it to you to do, to see, to hear, to taste, to smell, andto feel, can be a purpose. The past is not what makes me into what I am today. I was bornto be what I am today. That I let my past go does not mean that I forget. Our past makesme understand more about the world I live in, more about myself. That I let my past godoes not mean that I have no regrets. But how can I feel regret?Here I am, sitting in an office. I design things for companies. I design things with colorsand lines. I do not start to design a thing with a purpose. I start, and then find or give myproduct a purpose along the way, just like life. And no matter how complicated myproduct is, it is still a paper with colors and lines, just like life.I stand in rain,watching it drip in the laneWater drops from the skyI stay awake the entire nightWhen I can finally drawI draw in the rainTo catch the moment of the realThe pencil is my toolColors are fancyLife is notMy sketching is not fancyIt is realityA raining dayA Saturday afternoon in MaySitting in my painting houseSketching some more of raining dayA caféSuddenly I seeUsing black and white isn’t too easy69

Yellow I sayA mellow yellowRed I sayA wild redBlue I sayA melancholy blueAn angle I seeIn a raining dayA Saturday afternoon in MayI drawUsing colors but not too fancyI draw in rainWatching it drip in the laneI stay awakeSo there can be a dayRains will wash awayColors, I will usePardon my abuse(Che-Kuan Huang, 2006)70