ESSAYSearching4Eleanor Siegel5THE SEARCH for faith is a process that begins with many questions. Forme the journey began by denying both God and Judaism. When you areyoung, this is easy to do. However, when our first child was born, I feltI had to understand why I had made those choices. What did I really believe?Could we celebrate both Christmas and Chanukah? Could we havea Christmas tree in our home? Since I didn’t believe in Jesus Christ andthe tree was a symbol of Christ, the answer to that question was easy.I also remembered my mother’s friend coming to our home afterWorld War II, and her description of the horrors she had endured duringthe Holocaust, just because she was Jewish. <strong>The</strong> Nazis didn’t care whetheror not you had embraced Christianity with all your heart; they still killedyou for being Jewish. Hiding your Jewishness was useless.This memory helped me acknowledgethat I was Jewishtoo. But did that mean I alsobelieved in God? What did I knowabout Judaism? Did I actually careabout Judaism? And why was mystruggle so difficult if I grew up ina Jewish home?My mother was raised inan Orthodox home and, while mygrandparents were alive, we went totheir shul, where men and womensat apart. My father grew up ina more secular Jewish home. Hisgrandparents had emigrated fromRussia to England at a time whenJews behaved almost like Marranos,adopting English culture and traditions,even celebrating Christmas.In England, new immigrants didnot want to be different. My motherand her family came to the UnitedStates from Lithuania in 1929. Toher, appearing more American wasappealing and, once my parentsmarried, they decided to give usChristmas gifts; they wanted to fitin, something they had in commonwith many Jewish families. But wenever had a Christmas tree.I took them into the diningroom and pointed atthe unfurnished room.<strong>The</strong>n I asked firmly,“Do you want to knowwhy it is empty?”As I thought how myfamily had influenced me, I had toacknowledge how deep an impressionmy maternal grandparents hadmade on me. <strong>The</strong>y always celebratedChanukah, and all grandchildrenreceived shalachmanos, an amount ofEdward Hopper, “Sun in An Empty Room”money, solemnly delivered in a dishwith a white cover. When we were13, we received a silver dollar andwe knew we had achieved a milestone.Passover was always a hugeand wonderful family event withten aunts, many uncles and cousins.<strong>The</strong>se events created a senseof Jewish identity, but they did nottouch the deepest parts of Judaismsuch as God and Jewish values. Inthat search, I was on my own. Howcan you research the existence ofGod? I could read many books ofwhat others were thinking but Iwanted to form my own opinion.When I prayed, was God pulling thestrings only for me? Did God makesome people well and let others die?To me, this did not make sense. Toomany things happen that are justsimply inexplicable; I could not holdGod responsible for evil or injustice.In time, I came to believe that Godwas within me. Thinking about Godin this way, I would not dependupon Him to solve my problems, nomatter how serious they were.<strong>The</strong> synagogue was an importantpart of the search for God.While Art and I were raising ourthree children and I was wrestlingwith faith, we helped found the DixHills Jewish Center. One afternoon,upon returning home with the childrenafter Hebrew School, I grewtired of hearing their complaintsabout having to attend. I took theminto the dining room and pointedat the unfurnished room. <strong>The</strong>n Iasked firmly, “Do you want to knowwhy it is empty? It is because wechoose to spend our money on thesynagogue, that’s what we believeis important.” I don’t think theyremember that particular momentwhen I was teaching them thatHow can you research theexistence of God?Jewish values require action. Yet,today, with children of their own,synagogue and Jewish life play animportant part in their lives.When we moved from LongIsland to Newton, Massachusetts,we became active in the new synagogue.<strong>The</strong>re I studied and statedmy commitment to Judaism bybecoming an adult bat mitzvah.I still pray, no matter howstrongly I feel about personal responsibilityand that God is within,rather than a puppet master. I saya prayer every time before drivingthe car: “God, please keep me/ussafe and whole. Let me do no harmor see any harm done.” I do not saythis prayer because I believe Godis watching only me but because itmakes me feel stronger and morefocused.Today, Art and I are in themiddle of a two-year Melton courseof Jewish study, which began withlearning more about the Torah. <strong>The</strong>course was a gift from our childrenfor our 50th anniversary, becausethey know how strongly we feelabout learning, about Judaism andIsrael. We have taken them to Israeltwice. Art and I have gone also withmy sister and brother-in-law, as wellas with Rabbi Rubinstein during thesecond intifada.As my journey towardsfaith continues, I discover moreabout Judaism, more about spiritualityand more about myself. It is awonderful and exciting experience. ■Eleanor Siegel, a NYC writer, has been amember of Central Synagogue for more than15 years.