Growing

macmccanntx

1kHFIud

the

MEME

issue

Instagram model out of work after

forgetting password

Grandson mourns loss of birthday

checks

• I’ve stopped drinking coffee altogether—now

I just stick a fork in an

outlet each morning

• He’s so pro-life that his favorite sex

position is fetal

• It’s great that people are finally getting

on board, but I was scared of

Muslims way before everyone else

• The sex was so-so, but the CPR was

great

• It sucks having braces, never getting

IN THIS ISSUE...

Area man petting dog a little too

sensually

Fetus dies of embarrassment after

showing up early to birthday

Cruelty - free leather used for

bondage equipment

Local bully now accepting Venmo

to eat candles

• Spraying him with pepper spray

made him a lot tastier

• Texting my dad is more than enough

homoeroticism for me

• Is it too early to Q-drop next semester’s

classes?

• Any toilet is a bidet if you lean far

enough

• When I run out of clean bras I just

use the rinds of a cantaloupe

• This girl, Amber Alert, will not stop

texting me

• Hey guy, my face is up here, on top of

my skull

• My parents don’t know I’m in their

group sext

• Groupon? Is that just a group tampon?

LEGALESE

The Texas Travesty is a student humor publication at the University of Texas at Austin, published monthly by the permanent and contributing staff. The Travesty is a work of (hopefully) humorous fiction. Except where public

figures are involved, characters are not based on any real person. Any resemblence to any persons living or dead is coincidental. The views expressed in the Travesty do not reflect the views of Texas Student Media, The

University of Texas at Austin, or pretty much anyone. All material printed is property on the Travesty. The Texas Travesty is not intended for readers under 18 years of age, reguardless of the pretty pictures.

• I’m pretty sure Salman Rushdie migrates

upstream this time of year

• When did white people decide to

make bacon their new rock-n-roll?

• The only reason I want to learn Spanish

is to make love to my beautiful

wife

• A strawman argument is when you

angrily debate how good the Scarecrow

from Wizard of Oz would be in

bed

• I’m not sure if this blister on my

index finger is from playing bass or

from fingering that komodo dragon

• I really hope my history class doesn’t

spoil the ending of Lincoln

• I don’t get why it’s bad when birds get

covered in oil. Now they’re waterproof

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STEALING BARS OF SOAP FROM PARTIES SINCE 1997 NEWS• 3

EDITORIAL

I keep getting older, but they

stay the same age

Growing up, I was always told how

difficult life would be once I became

a father, but that could not be further

from the truth. Each of my three children have

brought such

joy to my life.

And the best

thing about

being a father

is that, even

though all three

of them are now

dead, as I keep

getting older they will always stay the same

age.

Popular opinion tells us that a parent’s

greatest fear is to outlive their children.

Surprisingly enough, I found this to be the

BY FATHER WHOSE

CHILDREN HAVE DIED

most rewarding experience of all. I appreciate

all the things I took for granted before

becoming a father. For example, I never knew

how much I would miss having a good night’s

rest until I had a baby constantly waking me at

odd hours of the

night. Now I can

sleep for as long

as I want. I never

realized how

important it was

to wear a condom

while having sex.

Now I wear one even when I am not having

sex. I can go out all night without worrying

about the babysitter watching over the kids.

Now I can have sex with the babysitter

whenever I want to, rather than just after I

take her home.

“I’m happy that they can

remain forever etched in my

memory as the perfect angels

they were.”

Area girlfriend insists she fine, it whatever

THE COLONY, TX — It was early Sunday morning when,

despite her boyfriend’s frequent inquiries and constant fretting

over her silence and dismissive gestures, local girlfriend Peg

Becker insisted that she was fine, and that it was whatever. “I

guess it started last night when we were getting drinks with my

friends from high school, but I kind of pretended not to notice

until this morning,” boyfriend Rudy Carlton told reporters under

his breath while he watched Becker, his girlfriend of ten months,

in the living room flipping through magazines loudly. “It’s crazy

how desperate and clingy she can make me feel just by folding her arms and looking out a

window. She’s going to make a really great mother.” At press time, Becker could be heard

reorganizing dishes and silverware in the kitchen.

Area man not sure which way to swipe sister on

Tinder

AUSTIN — Adrift in a rollicking sea of conflicting

emotions, area man John Clovis found that he was unsure

which way to swipe his sister on Tinder. “I know society

traditionally frowns on this sort of thing, but I dunno,

“Game of Thrones” and “19 Kids and Counting” are on TV

now. Maybe the cultural tide is shifting,” said Clovis, with

an agonized chuckle and a frigid sweat upon his brow. “I’ll

probably end up swiping left, but what if she swiped right

for me? I mean this would be our only way to figure out if

this was meant to be, right?” At press time, Clovis could be

found fretting over whether the recently added ‘Superlike’

feature would change his decision.

Yet I can’t help but think about what could

have been. Two years ago, the day I turned

forty-two, was the day Mary remained four

forever. I was baking cookies for my kids

(and for me, since I was the birthday boy)

when little Mary tugged at my sleeve. “Daddy,

where’s you get the cookies?” she asked. And

I tell her, “The oven.” Unfortunately, I forgot

to turn it off, but how was I supposed to know

she would crawl in looking for some sweet,

baked goods? It at least took less time to

cremate her.

The next year I became another year older,

while my little Jerry remained seven forever.

In order to avoid the tragedy of the previous

year, I decided to get front row seats to the

Harlem Globetrotters. I dressed myself and

my Jerry up in matching red, white and blue

striped shirts and took our seats next to the

Washington Generals bench. Seeing as this

was a Harlem Globetrotters’ game, I decided

to try heckling the Generals players. I thought

it would be harmless fun, but what followed

next made me regret ever going to the game.

A Generals player tried to take a swipe at me

after I said his mother wasn’t fit to have given

birth to even a second lieutenant. I ducked

and he knocked my child onto the court.

Jerry is—or was—very small, and in the fetal

position I can see why they mistook him for

the ball. After tossing him back and forth

through chutes and pipes, dropping him off a

ten-foot ladder, and slamming him through

a hoop, the Globetrotters took the lead and

my Jerry ceased to be part of the living. The

Globetrotters were at least kind enough to give

me a bunch of signed merchandise for my loss,

so I kind of broke even.

And then there was Lou. Poor Lou. It was

just yesterday too. I celebrated my birthday as

he lay in his deathbed at the hospital. It was all

because he wanted a mountain bike. He had

been asking for one for months. If I’d known

what he would end up doing, I would have

given it to him right away. But instead, I saw

it as a great opportunity to teach him about

responsibility and told him that he was old

enough to buy one himself. It wasn’t until last

week that I learned that he had decided to sell

his organs on the black market. Too bad he

never knew that you need at least one kidney

to live.

So now, I’m all alone. I miss my babies

dearly, but I’m happy that they can remain

forever etched in my memory as the perfect

angels they were.

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Travesty Fact #5: The fake baby from American Sniper grew up and is now a mannequin in Macy’s •3


OUTGROWING MY BOWL HAIRCUT SINCE 1997 NEWS• 4

Point: Love is just a clever piece of chemical trickery

that originates in the brain. The deepest,

most profound sense of longing is nothing

more than a fabrication.

You don’t know what love is. Your idea of willed control over sentiments is illusory and

naïve. You are a stupid girl to think anything you experience is more than a biological

firing of neurons. I pity, nay, detest your inability to grasp such a simple concept. To put it

simply, you don’t know what love is.

Counterpoint: Is that a no on Denny’s for

tonight?

Look, if you don’t want to go out with me, that’s fine. I was just making

conversation when I said I love Denny’s $4 Grand Slam. I seriously think

you’re over analyzing things. You should just be grateful I’m still around, because

the fact is this is the worst conversation I’ve had in weeks. Instead of attacking my word

choice why don’t you go take a fucking shower, burn that fedora, and learn some basic

socialization skills.

Not being around enough

Brilliant physics professor struggling to turn

on projector

AUSTIN — After the first twenty-seven minutes of class were spent in an ill-fated battle

with classroom equipment, the entire M E 357 advanced slinky mechanics class realized

that Dr. Ben Klor would be yet again unable to get the projector started. “Professor Klor is

incredible—he singlehandedly revolutionized the way we model the movement of helical

springs down stairs,” said the class TA, while Dr.

Klor began slamming his fist upon the projector. “I

really hope he gets it working today. Last Thursday

we had to cancel class because he’d been pressing

the computer’s volume button instead of the power

button. But today’s lecture is going to be a real

treat—just wait ‘til these kids get a taste for the

nuances of Hooke’s law!” As of press time, three

different students were debating telling Dr. Klor

that the projector wasn’t plugged in.

Study shows $40k loan debt only worth two

hours of studying night before test

AUSTIN — Using the simple mathematical concept known as ‘ratios,’ a recent study

at the University of Texas at Austin shows that a $40k loan debt is only worth about

two hours of studying the night before a big test. “Everyone knows your debt is

proportional to how hard you worked in college,” said Lead Researcher Maurice Castle,

pointing to some detailed graphics on his laptop. “We tried using three hours or four

hours for our calculations but two hours is really where you get the most value for

your money.” As of press time, the research lab was trying to find out how many 7/11

burritos a college tuition is worth.

Area girl eagerly refreshing likes on Facebook

post about dead grandmother

SALEM, MA — Carefully containing her

excitement, area middle schooler Stephanie

Howell reportedly clicked the refresh button

on her Internet Explorer web browser for the

second time in the past ten seconds to see

if more people had liked her post about her

recently deceased grandmother. “I’m just,

like, really sad about mee-maw being dead

and stuff, and I just felt like it was totally

necessary for me to share it with others to

let people with dead grandmas know they’re

not alone,” said Howell as she debated which

pictures of her and her grandmother would get the most likes. “I know Ashley has

seen this post because she’s always on Facebook, so I don’t know why she hasn’t liked it

yet. She’s probably just upset that this post might beat the 148 likes on her post about

Veterans Day or whatever.” At press time, Howell could be seen scrolling through the list

of likes on her iPhone while her mother sobbed violently on the couch across from her.

5• NEWS

GPA begins annual migration south

AUSTIN — After a thrilling excursion through mediocrity, UT student Christopher

McNutt’s GPA has officially begun its annual migration south. “I stop taking notes

in, like, October, so my GPA just doesn’t have enough sustenance to survive during

the winter months,” McNutt told reporters while staring emptily into the Interactive

Degree Audit webpage. “I just have to wait for it to come back in the spring, and

somehow it miraculously does every year.” As of press time, McNutt was seen

compiling a list of all of his life ambitions he is eager to accomplish before the chilly

winter weather settles in.

Guy in Spanish class still asking about the

dirty words

LOS ANGELES — First-year Spanish student

Raymond Alexander continues his role as class ass with

a 52 day streak of asking his teacher the best curse

words in the language. “Honestly, Senorita-what’sher-face

needs to recognize that these words would

be the most useful to me when I’m talking trash with

mi amigos,” spewed Alexander as he tried researching

local gangs taking applications. “Senorita is always

getting mad at me for askin’ the same question over

and over again, but I get a laugh from my buddy Paco every time. I’m just tryin’ to take

her advice to ‘take an interest in my education.’” As of press time, Alexander was seen

trying to pick up curse words from a particularly cartel heavy episode of Breaking Bad.

Grandfather survives World War II so

grandson can get liberal arts degree

SANTA BARBARA, CA — Thanks to his grandfather’s heroism during World War II,

college junior Jimmy Jankowski is now free to pursue his dream of getting a liberal arts

degree. “I like to think that grandpa’s valor was less about stopping Hitler, and more about

enabling me to pursue my dreams,” said the American Studies major, who is currently

researching Lady Gaga and how her music is shaping today’s world. “Grandpa’s bravery is

just crazy to me. Storming the beaches of Normandy, getting his leg blown off by a grenade,

and still killing dozens of Nazi soldiers. He got a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. Perhaps

the only person who could possibly match his gallantry is Lady Gaga, who fearlessly

withstands attack after attack from her legions of haters.” The elder Jankowski—who has

yet to figure out who or what Lady Gaga is—was last seen sitting alone in his retirement

home, staring out the window, disappointed that his sacrifices were a complete waste.

People on first date excited to never go out

again

NEW YORK — After a painful first date, young singles Mandy Nelson and Todd

O’Neill are thrilled to call it quits. “When I swiped right on Tinder, yeah, I thought

he looked a little bit like my cousin Todd,” said Nelson, adjusting her eye patch. “It

wasn’t until he sat down and I saw how prematurely he was balding that I realized it

was my cousin! Sure, we experimented as children. But dinner and a movie just kind of

crosses a line.” As of press time, both cousins had RSVP’d ‘no’ to Thanksgiving dinner

at Grandma Kathy’s.

TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015

Name: 4215/Pointe on Rio; Width: 29p6; Depth: 10 in; Color: Process

color, 4215/Pointe on Rio; Ad Number: 4215

4 • NEWS

www.texastravesty.com

Travesty Fact #43: The climate isn’t changing, you are • 5


6• FEATURES FEATURES •7

6• FEATURES FEATURES •7


USING CHALK ON DRY ERASE BOARDS SINCE 1997

NEWS• 8

9• NEWS

TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015

ARTICLE

Dad ruins Thanksgiving by

showing up

Waking up bright and early to

fix up a beautifully layered

three-bread stuffing, to set the

table with the fine china plates and crystal

glassware, and to make sure the Macy’s

Thanksgiving

Parade was

on so nobody

would miss

out on their

favorite

floats, local

dad Hank

Cohen

reportedly ruined his family’s Thanksgiving

feast just by being there at all. According to

sources close to the family, Cohen, while

a loving and charismatic father, just can’t

overcome the crippling lameness that is

being a dad in his mid forties enough to

have any sort of relevance in his family’s

life.

“You know, I just love them, because, in

a lot of ways,

“He’s not really horrible in

any major way, which actually,

now that I’m thinking about

it, may be a fault.”

they are

me,” Hank

said of his

family as he

whispered

“you can

do this” to

himself in

an attempt to muster up the courage to

walk into his son’s room and wake him

up for the festivities. “What we have is an

irreversible bond, a love that can never be

Crying baby doesn’t even know the worst of it

DALLAS — Local reports suggest that, despite his incessant squalling for at least

35 minutes now, newborn Harry Davis doesn’t know the half of it. “I mean, the kid’s

never even read a damn newspaper,” said Davis’s father, Patrick, while distractedly

tipping spoonfuls of Whole Foods Organic Happy Baby Mush down the child’s throat.

“What’s he got to complain about? All the tiny brat does is lounge in his $300 crib and

bawl his eyes out for no reason. You know what I saw today? A container full of Syrian

refugees was found in Slovenia—all dead. Asphyxiated. All of them. Jesus.” At press

time, Patrick was seen vainly trying to explain modern slavery and the inequality of

neoliberal economics to the recalcitrant little shit.

Single man ready to mingle, but not with her,

or her

HOUSTON — Ambivalently excited to see what’s on the market, single man

Jonathan Augustine is looking to talk to some girls tonight—just not to that one, or

that one, or any of the ones over there. “I’m finally ready to put myself out there and

start meeting some girls—not necessarily that cute one over there—she probably

has a boyfriend. And I would go talk to the girl by the bar, but she’s probably not

my type. I also might be a little sick,” reasoned

the indecisive Augustine, feeling like tonight

just probably isn’t the night. “I mean if I go talk

to that girl and it goes well, will she want to

start dating me? I have to go out of town next

weekend and wouldn’t be able to see her, so it’s

probably best if I avoid that possible conflict.”

At press time, Augustine could be seen swiftly

averting his gaze after making accidental eye

contact with a girl at another table.

broken.”

“He’s alright I guess,” said Thomas

Cohen, the 15-year-old son of Hank, as

he refreshed the same reddit page on his

phone. “He just… He’s a guy that is just

there, you know? He’s not really horrible in

any major way, which actually, now that I’m

thinking about it, may be a fault. Maybe if

he was just horrible he’d have some sort of

thing, some sort of personality. Right now

he mostly just listens to rock music and

makes dinner.”

After the Thanksgiving dinner was

served and the dishes were cleaned, the

family went outside and pretended to enjoy

a game of touch football.

“He thinks we enjoy this, so we just

kind of go along with it,” said Jenny Cohen,

Hank’s 23-year-old daughter, as she acted

like she was paying attention while her

father laid out an extensive play. “He’s

innocent though, so we just sort of play

along. It’s funny, acting like you’re having

fun can almost be like having fun, but it’s

really not the same.”

When asked whether or not they

thought they were taking their father’s love

and care for granted, especially at a time

where giving thanks is part of the holiday

spirit, Thomas and Jenny responded, in

unison, “No, not really.”

Area dad not sure whether to acknowledge

teen daughter’s new boobs

LOS ANGELES — Despite the fact that he had consulted numerous sources, single

father Greg Reynolds is unsure of the appropriate way to address his daughter’s recent

breast augmentation. “I’ve been searching for tips everywhere. I borrowed every book

in the parenting section,” sighed Reynolds,

flipping through the local library’s copy of What

to Expect When You’re Expecting. “For whatever

reason, none of the experts have any advice for

how a father is supposed to deal with this type

of situation.” As of press time, Reynolds was still

unable to make eye contact or speak coherently to

his confused but now well-endowed daughter.

Study finds unarmed black teens less likely to

commit crimes once shot by police

AUSTIN — Following the recent introduction of a highly controversial policing

technique, a study conducted by St. Louis Community College-Florissant Valley found

that unarmed black teens are indeed less likely to commit crimes once they have

been shot by police. “We’ve had a hunch about this for quite some time,” said Officer

Guy Whitman, pausing to yank his pants up by the belt loops and hock a generous

phlegm-like loogie into a water bottle, which was doubling as a dip-spit container.

“We experienced a lot of backlash from people calling this policy ‘vile,’ ‘atrocious,’ and

‘reminiscent of Hitler’s Germany,’ but we know it works. It’s a simple fact: the policy is

proven to be 100% effective.” As of press time, Whitman could be seen speeding away

in his 2001 Ford F-150 after stealing several packs of cigarillos from a convenience

store, the confederate flag whipping in the wind behind him.

Area women excited to fake having hobbies

for winter break

AUSTIN — Twenty-year-old UT student, Kylie Lovelace, can hardly contain her

excitement to fake new and relaxing hobbies of stamp collecting and gardening this

winter break, sources say. “I’d hate for anybody to know I’ll be spending all break

sitting in my room watching Mushishi,”

said Lovelace as she photoshopped herself

into a Better Homes and Gardens ad. “I

mean, actually gardening during winter

break would be, like, tough, you know?

Because it’s FREEZING out. But I need

to give my followers some sort of, like,

gesture of my outdoorsiness.” As of press

time, Lovelace was seen changing her

LinkedIn profile picture to a photo of a

rare stamp of a bald eagle attacking a Nazi.

College student on budget buying bottled

water for some reason

AUSTIN — Despite his tight budget, college student Steve Lando is still buying

bottled water for some reason. “I love the way filtered water tastes coming out

of that plastic teat. Plus, it gives me an opportunity to recycle,” said Lando, as he

placed a framed picture of a compost pile above his hearth. “Where would the world

be if I was drinking water out of a glass? I am saving the earth one empty water

bottle at a time.” At press time, Lando was seen emptying water bottles into the

Littlefield Fountain.

Falling flood light crushes wrong theater kid

IOWA CITY, IA — In the wake of a heartbreaking tragedy that caused the death of

some random sound kid, the Iowa City Theater Troupe is mourning the failure of their

attempt to get rid of a particular cast member by pushing over a floodlight. “We’re all

just trying to manage at this point,” said understudy Katie Jacobson while holding back

tears. “I just can’t believe it didn’t hit Madison Smith, whose dad just paid for her to

get this part. We’ve been trying to kill her for months.” At press time, Jacobson could

be seen throwing away an invitation to the sound kid’s memorial service, which will be

held next Sunday at the local Baptist church.

Grandmother refuses to blink until you ask

for seconds

OAK CLIFF, TX — During a trip to visit his Abuelita Terca, Rory Canales’

grandmother sat him down at the dinner table and refused to blink until he asked

for seconds. “I only wanted to drop off a forged will

leaving her ‘64 Mustang in my name, but she already

had a plate of mole ready for me,” said Canales,

scooping a spoonful of mole into his mouth. “Her

coke-bottle eyeglasses were unmoving. I think I saw

mothballs in her eyelashes.” At press time, Caneles

finally broke and asked for seconds before throwing

the leftover mole into his pants pocket.

Area man hopes to impress nurse with his

height and weight this time

AUSTIN — Local man Corey Cody is eagerly looking forward to his doctor

appointment this afternoon, when he plans to impress the nurse with his improved

height and weight. “I’ve filled most of my cavities with coins to increase my weight,

and I’m wearing five pairs of socks to look taller,” said Cody as a penny fell out of his

mouth. “Maybe this time the nurse will tell me I’m a big boy.” As of press time, Cody

was last seen trying to fit a Sacajawea dollar up his nose.

Group chat from high school hanging on by thread

PEORIA, IL — Despite countless opportunities for convenient communication,

Francis Stilmore’s once tight knit high school friend group has fallen almost

entirely out of contact, except for a single group chat hanging on by a thread. “We

used to talk about life and the mysteries of the universe and the cheat codes to our

favorite video games, but ever since college started, things have taken a turn,” said

Stilmore, who—as the one remaining active

member—constantly refreshes the phone in his

two-in-one wallet phone case. “I think their

phones must be broken or something, because

nobody responds to my conversational gold.”

At press time, Stilmore had just messaged the

group about whether or not anyone had seen

the new Star Wars trailer.

Area mom passing on racist legacy to

sleeping toddler

BIRMINGHAM, AL — During her three-year-old daughter’s naptime this Monday,

local mom Fran Norwood hoped to impart her long-held racist views to her child

subconsciously by whispering them into her ear as she slept. “There’s no way she

would accept these blatantly hateful and prejudiced views through reason, so I need to

communicate my message while she slumbers,” explained Norwood through her hood,

as she welcomed her new neighbors with a burning cross in their front yard. “Twenty

years down the road, she’ll be writing a manifesto on her blog and she won’t even know

why.” At press time, Norwood was leaning over her child, reciting The Adventures of

Huckleberry Finn and leaving out every word that isn’t a slur.

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Black, 4211/Bird’s Barbershop; Ad Number: 4211

8 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com

Travesty Fact #21: Pierced nipples were invented for babies with weak mouths •9


JOHN DENVER HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE 1997 NEWS• 10 11• NEWS

TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015

Commercial break just long enough to eat seven

Filet-o-Fish

PITTSBURGH — During a particularly riveting episode of Cake Boss, avowed

McDonald’s fan Rick Humpf discovered that the second commercial break was

just long enough for him to eat seven Filet-o-Fish. “Most of these commercial

breaks are just long enough for three Filet-o-Fish, or perhaps two and a side of

fries, or one whole McRib. Trust me, I’ve done the math,” said Humpf, picking an

especially unsavory crumb o-fish out of his goatee. “I think I’ve either accepted

my powerlessness against the capitalist machine we call television advertising or

I just can never get enough of the greasy, gooey Mickey D sandwich. Either way,

bring on the commercials. More, more, I say.” At press time, Humpf was found

wolfing down a truly unholy McFlurry-McGriddle combination while he waited

for Property Brothers to come back on.

Narcissist uses self-checkout lane

AUSTIN — After selecting ten hand-sized mirrors at the local CVS, narcissist

Billy D. Dang decided to use the self-checkout lane. “Huh, this tabloid cover

photo of The Sexiest Man Alive George Clooney sure reminds me of myself,”

said Dang, his voice loud enough for the entire store to hear. “My girlfriend’s

mom just died, but did you notice I got my septum pierced?” As of press time,

Dang was seen waiting for the automatic doors to close so he could check out his

reflection one more time.

Man wakes up from coma to turn off alarm

TACOMA, WA — After a two year coma, a patient at Beacon Valley Hospital,

Abel Hobbs, woke up to turn off an alarm on his fiancée’s cell phone before

immediately slipping back into his coma. “That son of a bitch, I know he is

faking it,” said Hobbs’ fiancée, Sierra Pitts, as she repeatedly punched Hobbs

in the gall bladder, looking for signs of pain in his face. “Wake up and marry

me you piece of trash coward!” As of press time, Hobbs remains comatose and

single.

Reverse psychology major claims he totally a virgin

CHICAGO — With a knowing wink and a sly smile, local Reverse Psychology

major Jacob Esteban announced during his class presentation last Thursday

that he was totally a virgin, and had

definitely never engaged in coital acts of

any sort. “I just can’t stress how much

sex I’ve never had,” said Esteban while

mime-drawing a chastity belt over his

crotch area and throwing away the key.

“I wouldn’t even know what to do with

a girl, that’s how inexperienced I am.”

At press time, Esteban could be seen

shrugging his shoulders while pointing

to his genitalia.

10 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com Travesty Fact #75: Rubbing your knees with liniment oil and crawling around some hardwood floors is a cheap slip ‘n’ slide alternative •11


CHOOSING HARD DRUGS OVER CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS SINCE 1997

TEXAS TRAVESTY • DECEMBER 2015

A word from the Vice President...

You think the meme life is easy, huh? You think you can just become

a world class curator of dank memes on a whim? Well let me tell

you, you dang heck. From the instant I wake up to the nanosecond

before I sleep, I am memeing. I am the admin on hundreds of meme

boards and meme aggregators that allow me to meme at maximum

efficiency. There is not a second that goes by without me thinking

about memes and dank original content. My dad used to tell me that

memes are the fundamental basis of life, and I take that real frackin’

seriously. I am a dang meme machine and I bleed meme. So next

time if you’re doubting my meme abilities or how hard I meme, just

take a step back and think about how much more dank I am than

you and how much I toil for memes. I’ll flipping end you, kid.

Sincerely,

Rohit Mandalapu

Curator of Memes

“Ramps available for your convenience.”

News •12

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