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Uncle Andy's Digest - March 2016

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST<br />

Voted best International Restaurant<br />

AND Best Sushi Restaurant by You,<br />

via Market Surveys of America,<br />

3 years running!<br />

20 Years later and it’s still<br />

FREE<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT AT SEA 40<br />

Mermaid Nights NOW with Live Music!<br />

Music Line-up 7-9pm Choose a Treasure from our Fishbowl<br />

Mar. 3 Derek Cote<br />

Mar. 10 Matt Fournier<br />

Mar. 17 Josh Hatfield<br />

Mar. 24 Jess & Gavin Last Call<br />

3-7PM<br />

$4 Crazy Sushi Rolls<br />

Mar. 31 Peter Webster<br />

Open Mic 7-10PM<br />

The Big Adventure<br />

Japanese Cuisine<br />

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 207-795-6888<br />

www.sea40me.com<br />

207-782-7113<br />

Get Your FREE<br />

Quote Today!<br />

Richard Moylan<br />

(207) 777-0050<br />

791 Kittyhawk Ave.<br />

Unit 5, Auburn<br />

richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />

31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com<br />

Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance<br />

Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />

“Affordable Dental Excellence”<br />

New Patient Special $ 88<br />

Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays<br />

Caring Family Dentists & Specialists!<br />

Dr. Robert McVety, DMD<br />

488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 207-783-8800<br />

www.androscoggindentalgroup.com


1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston<br />

Let <strong>Uncle</strong> Sam gift YOU a new body this year!<br />

AVERAGE LOSS DURING FIRST MONTH = 17.5lb!!<br />

<strong>March</strong> Special<br />

ONE<br />

WEEK<br />

FREE!<br />

On us!!<br />

Exp. 3.31.16


Parenting in the winter is just four straight months of yelling "SHUT THE DOOR!"<br />

MODERN WOODMEN<br />

OF AMERICA<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 5th<br />

KC Bean and Casserole Supper<br />

4:30pm – 6pm<br />

Maxwell Gill Hall,<br />

131 High St, Sabattus<br />

$6 Member; $7 Guest<br />

Sunday, <strong>March</strong> 6th<br />

Sabattus American Legion<br />

Post 135 Breakfast<br />

7:30am – 10am<br />

Island Rd, Sabattus<br />

$5 Member; $6 Guest<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 8th<br />

Roy’s Breakfast 7am – 10am<br />

(Chapter 12749)<br />

Washington St, Auburn<br />

$3 Member; $4 Guest<br />

Sunday, <strong>March</strong> 13th<br />

Red Claws vs Grand Rapids<br />

Drive Basketball Game 1pm<br />

(Chapter 14346)<br />

239 Park St – Portland Expo<br />

$4 Person<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 15th<br />

Luiggi’s 4pm – 7pm<br />

(Chapter 8609)<br />

63 Sabattus St., Lewiston<br />

$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest<br />

Saturday, <strong>March</strong> 19th<br />

KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper<br />

4:30pm – 5:30pm<br />

8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn<br />

$5 Member; $6 Guest<br />

Tuesday, <strong>March</strong> 22nd<br />

Dairy Queen 4pm – 7pm<br />

(Chapter 12907)<br />

661 Minot Ave, Auburn<br />

$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest<br />

Thursday, <strong>March</strong> 31st<br />

Mandarin 11am – 1pm<br />

(Chapter 10589)<br />

Sabattus St, Lewiston<br />

$5.50 Member; $6.50 Guest<br />

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02<br />

a month.<br />

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-<br />

TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED<br />

Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to<br />

change. If additional info is needed, please<br />

call our office, please do not call restaurants.<br />

All activities can only be attended at<br />

the times listed.<br />

*************************<br />

Tickets need to be purchased at the<br />

Modern Woodmen District Office,<br />

184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all<br />

activities and can only be picked up the<br />

week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs<br />

9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon<br />

(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.


UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST<br />

is published by the first<br />

Friday of every month by Maine<br />

Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.<br />

with offices at 9 Grove Street,<br />

Auburn, Maine, USA.<br />

It is distributed free throughout<br />

Central Maine and mailed to<br />

subscribers all over the Free<br />

World. Subscriptions are<br />

$30/year. Send a check made out<br />

to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:<br />

PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com<br />

Office: 207-783-7039<br />

Fax: 207-777-3898<br />

UAD Super Heroes<br />

SPIDY<br />

TIM<br />

HULK<br />

SMASH<br />

THOMAS<br />

CAPTAIN<br />

JIMBO<br />

We are dealing with bullying in my family. Specifically, my four year old is bullying me.<br />

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />

Affordable<br />

Dentures<br />

Poorly fitting or broken<br />

dentures repaired on-site,<br />

usually same-day service!<br />

Also see us for:<br />

• Full Dentures<br />

• Immediate Dentures<br />

• Partial Dentures<br />

• Rebases<br />

• Relines<br />

• Repairs<br />

• All work done in house,<br />

including metal frameworks<br />

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!<br />

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted<br />

We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider<br />

FREE CONSULTATIONS<br />

BATGIRL<br />

TRACY<br />

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WOMAN<br />

PAM<br />

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />

801 Webster Street, Lewiston<br />

514-0660<br />

SmileAgainDentures.com<br />

Or email us at:<br />

smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />

Mike & Joe<br />

Adkins,<br />

licensed<br />

denturists<br />

While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> tries very hard to<br />

ensure the accuracy of the information in our<br />

client’s advertisements and our publication in<br />

general, we are not responsible for vendor<br />

availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,<br />

product pricing errors, or omissions.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

4<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Life is just a phase you’re going through…you’ll get over it.


If cats could talk, they wouldn’t and it’d be unnerving.<br />

Road Trippin’<br />

with Pam Ashby<br />

Spending Christmas<br />

in New York<br />

70º in<br />

New York at<br />

Christmastime,<br />

crazy!<br />

Pam!<br />

Did you see the<br />

one on page 7?<br />

Pam Ashby<br />

and her son,<br />

Trevor Saunders<br />

at Rockefeller Center<br />

Tammy Chamberland & Pam Ashby<br />

at Rockefeller Center<br />

481 Maine St, Poland Spring<br />

207-998-2806 • TopGunofMaine.com<br />

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT<br />

Maine’s Premier INDOOR Shooting Range<br />

Large Inventory of Guns, Ammo & Accessories<br />

I'm 43, but I still feel 25 if I'm lying down and not moving.<br />

Even the Naked Cowboy<br />

was digging the<br />

unseasonable temps.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5


Through the Years<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

6<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Three men were<br />

discussing aging at the<br />

nursing home.<br />

"Sixty is the worst age<br />

to be," said the 60-<br />

year-old. You always<br />

feel like you have to<br />

pee. And most of the<br />

time, you stand at the<br />

toilet and nothing<br />

comes out!"<br />

"Ah, that's nothin',"<br />

said the 70-year-old.<br />

"When you're seventy,<br />

you can't even poop<br />

anymore. You take laxatives,<br />

eat bran, you sit<br />

on the toilet all day and<br />

nothin' comes out!"<br />

"Actually," said the 80-<br />

year-old, "Eighty is the<br />

worst age of all."<br />

"Do you have trouble<br />

peeing, too?" asked<br />

the 60-year-old.<br />

"No, not really. I pee<br />

every morning at 6:00.<br />

I pee like a racehorse<br />

on a flat rock; no problem<br />

at all."<br />

"Do you have trouble<br />

pooping?"<br />

"No, I poop every<br />

morning at 6:30."<br />

With great exasperation,<br />

the 60-year-old<br />

said, "Let me get this<br />

straight. You pee every<br />

morning at 6:00 and<br />

crap every morning at<br />

6:30. So what's so<br />

tough about being 80?"<br />

"I don't wake up until<br />

7:00."<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My cat just swatted my dog in the face for yawning loudly and it was then I knew they<br />

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That's not a pile of laundry at the foot of my bed; it's my base camp.<br />

Know Who You Hire<br />

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Background checks for Employers<br />

Misdemeanor Searches<br />

Felony Searches<br />

Statewide Criminal Conviction Searches<br />

Driver Violation & Accident Reports<br />

Professional License / Degree Verifications<br />

Medicaid / Medicare Fraud Certifications<br />

Sex Offender Registry Examinations<br />

Kicking cancer<br />

207-783-0000 or 1-800-818-8809 in the • can! www.KnowWhoYouHire.com<br />

Learning from the past would be a lot easier if I could remember most of it.


I only appreciate that tone of voice when I'm using it.<br />

Road Trippin’<br />

with Pam Ashby<br />

Spending Christmas<br />

in New York<br />

classrooms. offices. libraries. rest rooms. locker rooms. cafeterias.<br />

Long time friends<br />

Tammy Chamberland<br />

& Pam Ashby<br />

protected each other from<br />

all the Jets and Giants fans<br />

while in NY.<br />

Designed for learning.<br />

Engineered for longevity.<br />

www.SchiaviLeasingCorp.com<br />

Fever Pitch<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

My four year old<br />

daughter had a terrible<br />

case of the flu, she<br />

was achy, had a high<br />

fever, and was terribly<br />

hoarse.<br />

After waiting in the<br />

waiting room at the<br />

doctor’s office for over<br />

an hour we were finally<br />

admitted to see the<br />

Doctor.<br />

After the usual routine<br />

of listening to her<br />

breathing and checking<br />

her ears, the Doctor<br />

looked my daughter in<br />

the eye and said, “So<br />

what would you say is<br />

bothering you the<br />

most?”<br />

Without skipping a beat<br />

my daughter promptly<br />

answered, “Billy, he always<br />

breaks my toys!”<br />

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they'd leave that one on too.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7


Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

Apparently seasonal depression rates weren't high enough, because swim suits are now<br />

in stores.<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

Tracy Draper<br />

& Pam Ashby<br />

The first lady’s of <strong>Uncle</strong><br />

Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

Hayden & Mitch<br />

Thomas<br />

Franco Center<br />

Don’t tell my<br />

husband I was in<br />

here shopping,<br />

okay Jimbo?<br />

Andrea Wade &<br />

Toi Banville<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

8<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Be strong, I whispered to my wifi signal.


Can’t wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this computer, and go stare at<br />

a different computer.<br />

HERE WE GROW AGAIN!<br />

Soon you’ll enjoy indoor seating, customer bathrooms & a walk-in beer cave!!<br />

PARDON OUR CONSTRUCTION<br />

Your inconvenience – Your gain!<br />

BOGHOOTER<br />

Only $ 5<br />

There’s NO PLACE like...<br />

Dad’s Place<br />

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551 • DadsPlace.info<br />

✃<br />

Not to be combined<br />

with any other special.<br />

Expires 3.31.16<br />

FREE COFFEE<br />

FRIDAY!<br />

Free 20 oz. coffee<br />

with purchase of<br />

Breakfast Sandwich<br />

every Friday.<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

Steve Morgan &<br />

Angie White<br />

Real Estate Moguls<br />

Being a lefty<br />

in a righty world<br />

can be tough at<br />

times...<br />

Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the<br />

hospital about the fourcasts.<br />

Jacey Bunnell<br />

Day’s Jewelers & a lefty<br />

Life without<br />

lefties just wouldn’t<br />

be right.<br />

KimBeth Merchant<br />

Day’s Jewelers & a lefty<br />

We all hate waiting anxiously for a text, then realizing you forgot to click SEND.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 9


Judging a Book<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A Canadian lumber<br />

camp advertised that<br />

they were looking for a<br />

good lumberjack. The<br />

very next day, a skinny<br />

little man showed up at<br />

the camp with his axe,<br />

and knocked on the<br />

head lumberjack's<br />

door.<br />

The head lumberjack<br />

took one look at the little<br />

man and told him to<br />

leave.<br />

"Just give me a chance<br />

to show you what I can<br />

do," said the skinny<br />

man.<br />

"Okay, see that giant<br />

redwood over there?"<br />

said the lumberjack.<br />

"Take your axe and go<br />

cut it down."<br />

The skinny man<br />

headed for the tree,<br />

and in five minutes he<br />

was back knocking on<br />

the lumberjack's door.<br />

"I cut the tree down,"<br />

said the man.<br />

The lumberjack couldn't<br />

believe his eyes and<br />

said, "Where did you<br />

get the skill to chop<br />

down trees like that?"<br />

"In the Sahara Forest,"<br />

replied the puny man.<br />

"You mean the<br />

Sahara Desert," said<br />

the lumberjack.<br />

I didn't used to like duct-tape at first, but then I became very attached to it.<br />

LIVE MUSIC EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT!<br />

I can’t get<br />

enough of this<br />

magazine!<br />

49 Spring Street, Auburn • 207-784-2300<br />

Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed. 7am - 4pm; Thurs & Fri 7am - 9pm; Sat 8am - 9pm<br />

Goal: Contribute $10,000 to local<br />

charities in <strong>2016</strong>!<br />

Need Catering?<br />

Call Us Today!!<br />

Happy Hour<br />

4-6pm<br />

Thurs. - Sat.<br />

Open till 9pm<br />

Road Trippin’<br />

with Pam Ashby<br />

Christmas in New York<br />

Riley Deraps,<br />

Trevor Saunders,<br />

Brayden Deraps<br />

& Tammy<br />

Chamberland<br />

at Battery Park<br />

(Statue of Liberty in the<br />

background)<br />

HELP US HELP THE COMMUNITY!<br />

With every home sale, a contribution will be sent to 1 of 5 local charities in honor of our clients.<br />

Together we can make a difference!<br />

The little man laughed<br />

and answered back,<br />

"Oh sure, that's what<br />

they call it now!"<br />

Marnie DuBois<br />

207-344-3230<br />

195 Center St, Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net<br />

Brian DuBois<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

10<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

The astronaut decided to give the aliens some space.


Because Business Should Lead To Abundance<br />

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own business?<br />

Want to make<br />

it better?<br />

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Because Business Should Lead To Abundance


Out ’n About with<br />

Sweet Pea<br />

Designs<br />

I just got hit by a rented car. It Hertz.<br />

for crafts & cocktails at Rails<br />

Patti Gagne<br />

Allstate Insurance<br />

Jo Richmond<br />

Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.<br />

I always wear parachute pants when I fly. You know, just in case.<br />

Out ’n About with Sweet Pea Designs<br />

for crafts & cocktails at Rails<br />

Natalie Raye<br />

On the first day of<br />

school, the Kindergarten<br />

teacher said, "If<br />

anyone has to go to<br />

the bathroom, hold up<br />

two fingers."<br />

A little voice from the<br />

back of the room<br />

asked, "How will that<br />

help?”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

12<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Lucille Duchette, Danielle Wadsworth, Bonnie Gallop, Kimmy Sloan,<br />

Melissa Sirois, Natasha Creaser, Jo Richmond, Kristin Fournier, Karen Levesque<br />

I played triangle in a reggae band but left – it was just one ting after another.


*at the doctor's office* I would like one of those medically induced comas, please.<br />

Birthday<br />

Surprise!<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Benny decided to buy<br />

a present for his <strong>Uncle</strong><br />

Sam’s birthday, so with<br />

his older brother’s help<br />

he bought a present,<br />

gift wrapped it, and<br />

brought it over to his<br />

uncle.<br />

His uncle, knowing that<br />

Benny’s father manufactured<br />

apple juice,<br />

and seeing a wet spot<br />

on the bottom corner of<br />

the box, decided to<br />

have some fun with<br />

Benny by trying to<br />

guess what was in the<br />

box.<br />

Geometry shapes my life!<br />

Now is the perfect time to have<br />

your DREAM PATIO installed!<br />

Call Dustin Today!<br />

207-577-8756<br />

FREE Estimates<br />

Carrier Lawn & Landscape<br />

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207-577-8756 • CarrierLandscape.com • Dustin@CarrierLandscape.com<br />

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people – but none of them work.<br />

“Hmm” said <strong>Uncle</strong><br />

Sam, dipping his finger<br />

on the wet spot and<br />

taking a quick taste,<br />

“I’m going to guess it’s<br />

a case of apple juice.”<br />

“No” said Benny jumping<br />

up and down<br />

clearly enjoying the<br />

game.<br />

“Not apple juice?” Said<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Sam clearly<br />

surprised.<br />

After another quick<br />

taste and a brief pause<br />

he guessed again “is it<br />

apple cider?”<br />

“No,” said Benny practically<br />

squealing in<br />

excitement “IT’S A<br />

PUPPY!”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13


Out ’n About with<br />

Sweet Pea<br />

Designs<br />

for crafts & cocktails at Rails<br />

You know you're telling a good story when random people start wandering closer<br />

to listen.<br />

NEW!<br />

SUNDAY SUPPAH!<br />

Every Sunday in the Garden Grille • Starting at 3:00PM<br />

Full menu available!<br />

Great Lunch Specials<br />

Monday - Friday starting at $ 8.<br />

ON THE MENU<br />

Choice of: Harvest Greens, Maine Blueberry Dressing,<br />

Candied Pecans or Apples<br />

Soup of the Day<br />

Choice of: Baked Haddock with Ritz Cracker Crust and<br />

Lobster Sauce, Roasted Half Chicken or Home Style Meatloaf<br />

with Mushroom Gravy<br />

Above served with Mashed Potatoes<br />

and Green Beans<br />

Taryn Ouellette &<br />

Laurie Ouellette<br />

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(207) 784-4433<br />

Chef’s Choice of Dessert<br />

All for $ 10.95<br />

I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!<br />

Morning has broken. Call the repairman.<br />

Kristin Fournier<br />

...I do so like<br />

green eggs and ham!<br />

Thank you,<br />

Ma’am-I-am.<br />

Fishing Paradigm<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Give a man a fish and<br />

he will eat for a day.<br />

Teach a man to fish<br />

and he will go out and<br />

buy expensive fishing<br />

equipment, stupid looking<br />

clothes, a sports<br />

utility vehicle, travel<br />

1000 miles to the<br />

"hottest" fishing spot,<br />

and stand waist deep<br />

in cold water just so he<br />

can outsmart a fish.<br />

(Average cost per fish:<br />

$395.68)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

14<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Caden Shaw<br />

I went shopping for some camouflage cargo pants, but I couldn’t find any.


Since<br />

1954<br />

My ultra-sensitive toothpaste gets really jealous when I use other toothpastes.<br />

We Offer Beard Grooming!<br />

Mens & Boys CUTS for<br />

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.<br />

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts - Waxing<br />

Marcel’s<br />

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444<br />

OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm<br />

You can’t<br />

beat this<br />

old man!<br />

$<br />

12<br />

Rollodrome<br />

WINTER SCHEDULE<br />

Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm<br />

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00<br />

Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm<br />

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm<br />

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm<br />

Bert vs. Jeremy<br />

I got this!!<br />

Out ’n About at Thatchers for some Bubble Hockey<br />

Editor’s note: This brings back memories of when Bert would talk smack on the racquetball court. Mental warfare!<br />

Where Good Skaters Meet<br />

Closed<br />

Easter Sunday<br />

3.27.16<br />

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940<br />

www.rollodrome.com<br />

Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.<br />

Hit the Floor<br />

A True Story<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

On a recent weekend<br />

in Atlantic City, a<br />

woman won a bucketful<br />

of quarters at a slot<br />

machine. She took a<br />

break from the slots for<br />

dinner with her husband<br />

in the hotel dining<br />

room.<br />

But first she wanted to<br />

stash the quarters in<br />

her room. “I'll be right<br />

back and we'll go eat,”<br />

she told her husband<br />

and she carried the<br />

coin-laden bucket to<br />

the elevator.<br />

As she was about to<br />

walk into the elevator<br />

she noticed two men<br />

already aboard. Both<br />

were black. One of<br />

them was big... very<br />

big... an intimidating<br />

figure. The woman<br />

froze. Her first thought<br />

was: These two are<br />

going to rob me. Her<br />

next thought was:<br />

Don't be a bigot, they<br />

look like perfectly nice<br />

gentlemen. But racial<br />

stereotypes are powerful,<br />

and fear immobilized<br />

her. She stood<br />

and stared at the two<br />

men. She felt anxious,<br />

flustered, and<br />

ashamed. She hoped<br />

they didn't read her<br />

mind, but knew they<br />

surely did; her hesitation<br />

about joining them<br />

on the elevator was all<br />

too obvious. Her face<br />

was flushed. She<br />

couldn't just stand<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 15


(continued from previous page)<br />

there, so with a mighty<br />

effort of will she picked<br />

up one foot and<br />

stepped forward and<br />

followed with the other<br />

foot and was on the elevator.<br />

Avoiding eye contact,<br />

she turned around<br />

stiffly and faced the elevator<br />

doors as they<br />

closed. A second<br />

passed, and then another<br />

second, and then<br />

another. Her fear increased.<br />

The elevator<br />

didn't move. Panic<br />

consumed her.<br />

“I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.”<br />

– Tom Rhodes<br />

WE’VE MOVED!<br />

Come visit our new location at 205 Washington Street South in Auburn<br />

Not Too Early to Start Thinking Spring!<br />

Baseball • Softball • Lacrosse • Track • Landscapers • Contractors<br />

• Screen Printing<br />

• Embroidery<br />

• Promotional Products<br />

205 Washington Street South, Auburn • 207-784-4184 • coastaltshirts.com<br />

'My God, she thought,<br />

I'm trapped and about<br />

to be robbed.' Her<br />

heart plummeted. Perspiration<br />

poured from<br />

every pore. Then... one<br />

of the men said, "Hit<br />

the floor."<br />

Instinct told her: Do<br />

what they tell you. The<br />

bucket of quarters flew<br />

upwards as she threw<br />

out her arms and collapsed<br />

on the elevator<br />

carpet. A shower of<br />

coins rained down on<br />

her. Take my money<br />

and spare me, she<br />

prayed.<br />

More seconds passed.<br />

She heard one of the<br />

men say politely,<br />

“Ma'am, if you'll just tell<br />

us what floor you're<br />

going to, we'll push the<br />

button.”<br />

The one who said it<br />

had a little trouble getting<br />

the words out. He<br />

was trying mightily to<br />

hold in a belly laugh.<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

Out ’n About with the Lewiston<br />

Auburn Metropolitan Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner<br />

Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434<br />

heidisauburn.com<br />

Visit Our New Location Opening in <strong>March</strong><br />

in the Hannaford Plaza next to the<br />

Maine Mall in South Portland<br />

Everyone is a Little Irish...<br />

when eating a Heidi’s<br />

Corned Beef Sandwich<br />

or Reuben!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

16<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.


I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.<br />

NOW HIRING!<br />

Make a difference in the lives of adults or<br />

children while having a rewarding career!<br />

Work one on one with adults and children with a diagnosed<br />

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license and a high school diploma or GED.<br />

Whether you are skilled social services professional<br />

or someone who is just starting out in this industry,<br />

Merrymeeting Behavioral Health has a place for you to<br />

utilize and/or build your skills!<br />

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Maybe turtles move slow because they're depressed they can't hug.<br />

www.pelletierskarate.com<br />

• 100% Paid Training<br />

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good people!<br />

Apply online TODAY!!<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

She lifted her head and<br />

looked up at the two<br />

men. They reached<br />

down to help her up.<br />

Confused, she struggled<br />

to her feet.<br />

“When I told my man<br />

here to hit the floor,”<br />

said the average sized<br />

one, “I meant that he<br />

should hit the elevator<br />

button for our floor. I<br />

didn't mean for you to<br />

hit the floor, ma'am.”<br />

He spoke genially. He<br />

bit his lip. It was obvious<br />

he was having a<br />

hard time not laughing.<br />

She thought: 'My God,<br />

what a spectacle I've<br />

made of myself.' She<br />

was too humiliated to<br />

speak. She wanted to<br />

blurt out an apology,<br />

but words failed her.<br />

How do you apologize<br />

to two perfectly respectable<br />

gentlemen<br />

for behaving as though<br />

they were going to rob<br />

you? She didn't know<br />

what to say.<br />

The 3 of them gathered<br />

up the strewn quarters<br />

and refilled her bucket.<br />

When the elevator arrived<br />

at her floor, they<br />

insisted on walking her<br />

to her room. She<br />

seemed a little unsteady<br />

on her feet, and<br />

they were afraid she<br />

might not make it down<br />

the corridor. At her<br />

door they bid her a<br />

good evening. As she<br />

slipped into her room<br />

she could hear them<br />

roaring with laughter<br />

while they walked back<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

The problem with reality is a lack of background music.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17


(continued from previous page)<br />

to the elevator. The<br />

woman brushed herself<br />

off. She pulled herself<br />

together and went<br />

downstairs for dinner<br />

with her husband.<br />

Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on<br />

a bicycle.<br />

EASTER BASKETS<br />

LEGGINGS<br />

The next morning flowers<br />

were delivered to<br />

her room - a dozen<br />

roses. Attached to<br />

EACH rose was a crisp<br />

one hundred-dollar bill.<br />

The card said: 'Thanks<br />

for the best laugh<br />

we've had in years.'<br />

It was signed, Eddie Murphy<br />

& Michael Jordan<br />

Offering Unique Gifts All Year Long!<br />

Hours: Tues. Wed. Fri. 10am-5pm<br />

Thurs. 2pm-7pm Sat. 11am-4pm<br />

785 Main St. Lewiston<br />

(just past Marden’s on the right) Plenty of parking!<br />

Visit EllieAnnaPurses.com<br />

Tons of Styles in stock &<br />

custom orders available<br />

(must be ordered by 3/19/16)<br />

$12.50 & Up<br />

All Leggings - Kids through<br />

Adult Plus sizes $11.50<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Thatchers for some<br />

Bubble Hockey<br />

Zach vs. Tyson<br />

Out ’n About with the Lewiston<br />

Auburn Metropolitan Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner<br />

Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

Chris vs. Dale<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

18<br />

No, I’m<br />

not sitting<br />

down on the<br />

job.<br />

Diane Cote<br />

bartender at Thatcher’s visits<br />

the other side (of the bar).<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Wine & Design Time<br />

Sweet Pea Designs<br />

WINE & DESIGN!<br />

Enjoy wine, cheese & snacks while designing<br />

your own centerpiece to take home!<br />

Call to inquire about private parties in<br />

my studio, your home or on location!<br />

777-1520<br />

sweetpeafloraldesignsme.com<br />

Why do people point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious<br />

it doesn't look like them?


A morning without coffee is like sleep.<br />

Get Your Green On!<br />

All Leprechauns Eat at the Village Inn!<br />

Out ’n About with<br />

Collins Carpet<br />

We make<br />

great supervisors!<br />

Luck O’ Irish<br />

will land on you<br />

when you make<br />

the Village Inn<br />

a regular jaunt!<br />

The Collins’<br />

Fred Sr. & Fred II<br />

Village Inn, 165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796<br />

Open Tuesday - Sunday • villageinnmaine.com<br />

When life rains on your parade, bring out the slip 'n' slide.<br />

Josh Collins<br />

Now Hiring!<br />

Customer Service &<br />

Auto Techs<br />

BK Auto<br />

Full Service Garage • Quality Pre-owned Vehicles • New & Used Tires<br />

Complete Restorations • State Inspection Station • Pipe Bending • Custom Exhaust<br />

Plow Truck Tires!<br />

LT265/70/17 (10ply) $622.04<br />

LT265/75/16 (10ply) $617.75<br />

(includes tax)<br />

Studding available $20 per tire<br />

Ironman All<br />

Country A/T<br />

*All major tire brands<br />

and sizes available<br />

PRE-OWNED VEHICLES<br />

‘05 Buick Rendezvous ............................. $ 3,849<br />

‘01 Saab 9-5.............................................. $ 2,950<br />

‘02 Ford Explorer...................................... $ 3,850<br />

‘05 Ford Freestar mini van........................ $ 2,549<br />

‘01 Ford Taurus.......................................... $ 1,690<br />

‘01 Ford Focus........................................... $ 2,450<br />

‘00 Chevy K1500 w/ plow........................ $ 8,750<br />

‘07 Mini Cooper S..................................... $ 6,800<br />

Tyler McBrine<br />

Tyler McBrine<br />

To think I’ve been<br />

doing this for<br />

30 years!<br />

2290 Hallowell Road, Litchfield • 207-268-2163 • capt1022@yahoo.com<br />

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.<br />

Fred Collins Sr


The Voice<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

No, you didn't wake me up. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway.<br />

Brian, one of the<br />

worlds greatest<br />

hypochondriacs,<br />

bumped into his<br />

Doctor one day at the<br />

supermarket.<br />

“Doc!” Brian exclaimed,<br />

“I’ve been meaning to<br />

tell you, remember<br />

those voices I kept on<br />

hearing in my head? I<br />

haven’t heard them in<br />

over a week!”<br />

“Wow! What wonderful<br />

news Brian! I’m so<br />

happy for you!” his<br />

Doctor exclaimed.<br />

“Wonderful?” asked a<br />

dismal looking Brian.<br />

“There’s nothing wonderful<br />

about it. I’m<br />

afraid my hearing is<br />

starting to go now!<br />

Patient: Doctor, I think<br />

I need glasses.<br />

Teller: You certainly<br />

do! This is a bank.<br />

Sometimes, during the<br />

movie previews, I'll turn<br />

to the stranger sitting<br />

next to me and<br />

whisper,<br />

"We should really go<br />

see that together."<br />

Me: I’d like to buy this<br />

abstract, post-modernist,<br />

surrealist painting<br />

of this angst ridden,<br />

haunted looking man.<br />

Shop assistant: Sir,<br />

that’s a mirror.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

20<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I’ll tell you what floats my boat... Water.


If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how<br />

I'm doing.<br />

Commercial, Residential & Industrial<br />

Plumbing & Heating Specialists<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Thatchers for some<br />

Bubble Hockey<br />

Plumbing • Heating<br />

Oil • Gas<br />

Residential • Commercial<br />

24 hour Emergency Service<br />

207-754-4556<br />

Chris<br />

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.<br />

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />

(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)<br />

DAD’S PLACE<br />

REDEMPTION<br />

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551<br />

unitedpipingandwelding.com<br />

MORE FOR YOUR $$<br />

Here’s your pot<br />

of gold..<br />

Tyson<br />

I don’t mean<br />

to burst your bubble,<br />

but I would destroy<br />

you at any kind of<br />

hockey.<br />

Bottle Drives<br />

Welcome!<br />

✃<br />

Dad’s Redemption<br />

6¢<br />

on all 5¢ returns<br />

with this coupon.<br />

(must present coupon at<br />

Redemption Center prior to counting)<br />

UAD expires 3.31.16<br />

Allie<br />

bartender at Thatcher’s<br />

“I watch so much<br />

Netflix that, rather than<br />

suggesting more<br />

shows for me to watch,<br />

it’s started suggesting I<br />

go outside.”<br />

– David Morgan<br />

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21


Out ’n About with the<br />

Lewiston Auburn Metropolitan<br />

Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner<br />

Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I will no longer be controlling any<br />

circumstances.<br />

A Maine Tradition You Can Count On!<br />

• Happy Hour 3-6pm daily<br />

• 14 Beers on Tap & Full Bar<br />

• Daily Specials<br />

• Open Mic on Wednesday Nights<br />

• Live Music on Friday Nights<br />

Outstanding<br />

Member Award<br />

Francis Gagnon, Photo Finish<br />

presented by Stephanie Gelinas<br />

64 Lewiston Road, Gray<br />

657-4714 • ColeFarms.com<br />

“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.” – WC Fields<br />

A Good Friend<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

President’s Award<br />

Peggy Rotundo<br />

presented by Chip Morrison<br />

Theresa Sampson Award<br />

for Womens Leadership in Business<br />

Sandy Marquis, Marquis Signs<br />

presented by Theresa Sampson<br />

Kathy Becvar<br />

& Rene Roy<br />

It can buy a House,<br />

But not a Home<br />

It can buy a Bed,<br />

But not Sleep<br />

It can buy a Clock,<br />

But not Time<br />

It can buy you a Book,<br />

But not Knowledge<br />

It can buy you a Position,<br />

But not Respect<br />

It can buy you Medicine,<br />

But not Health<br />

It can buy you Blood,<br />

But not Life<br />

So you see money isn’t everything. And<br />

it often causes pain and suffering. I tell<br />

you this because I am your friend, and<br />

as your friend I want to take away your<br />

pain and suffering.<br />

So send me all your money and I will<br />

suffer for you. Cash only please.<br />

Always Busy!<br />

Call for a Tour<br />

Rosemary Camire Knight<br />

Home for Senior Women<br />

41 Pleasant Street, Auburn<br />

207-783-0961<br />

www.chapmanhouse.org<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

22<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Count Chocula, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Teddy Grahams Bear<br />

perish in house fire. S'more at eleven.


Friends are like a head of hair. You might lose some, but with enough money you can<br />

buy them back.<br />

Out ’n About with the<br />

Lewiston Auburn Metropolitan<br />

Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner<br />

Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

Nicole Lajoie<br />

Champoux Insurance<br />

and some guy selling 50/50 tickets<br />

Business Leadership<br />

Award<br />

Jack Sours, Oxford Casino<br />

presented by Jen Hogan<br />

Community<br />

Service Award<br />

Mark Cayer, Maine PI Services<br />

presented by Robin Robbins<br />

This never<br />

gets old!<br />

Deb Carroll &<br />

Matt Leonard<br />

I've never read a Tombstone that said…"Died from not forwarding text messages to 10<br />

friends"<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 23


Farmer Joe’s<br />

Accident<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

I hate that moment of fear when I lean back too far in my chair.<br />

Farmer Joe decided<br />

his injuries from the accident<br />

were serious<br />

enough to take the<br />

trucking company (responsible<br />

for the accident)<br />

to court. In court<br />

the trucking company’s<br />

fancy lawyer was questioning<br />

Farmer Joe.<br />

“Didn't you say, at the<br />

scene of the accident,<br />

‘I'm fine?’” said the<br />

lawyer.<br />

Farmer Joe responded,<br />

"Well, I'll tell you what<br />

happened. I had just<br />

loaded my favorite<br />

mule Bessie into<br />

the......."<br />

"I didn't ask for any details,"<br />

the lawyer interrupted,<br />

"Just answer<br />

the question. Did you<br />

not say, at the scene of<br />

the accident, 'I'm fine!'"<br />

Farmer Joe said, "Well,<br />

I had just got Bessie<br />

into the trailer and I<br />

was driving down the<br />

road..."<br />

The lawyer interrupted<br />

again and said,<br />

"Judge, I am trying to<br />

establish the fact that,<br />

at the scene of the accident,<br />

this man told<br />

the Highway Patrolman<br />

on the scene that he<br />

was just fine. Now several<br />

weeks after the<br />

accident he is trying to<br />

sue my client. I believe<br />

he is a fraud.<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

24<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Man I'm tired... I stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.


Kayla Rioux<br />

Dental Assistant<br />

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me<br />

and brings me back.<br />

Dr. Michelle L. Mazur-Kary<br />

DDS, MPH<br />

Your Root Canal<br />

Specialist!<br />

Erin Brown<br />

Practice Manager<br />

Central Maine Endodontics is<br />

pleased to announce the<br />

opening of our second location<br />

in Yarmouth, Maine. Patients<br />

will receive the same great<br />

care from board certified<br />

Michelle L. Mazur-Kary, DDS,<br />

MPH and her team. We look<br />

forward to serving our great<br />

patients in both communities.<br />

219 Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn ME 04210 • 10 Forest Falls DR. Unit 5, Yarmouth ME 04096<br />

783-1671 • 888-330-9600 • Fax: 783-3717<br />

email: cendodontics@roadrunner.com • www.centralmaineendodontics.com<br />

I watered my house plants with Smart Water ® and now they're doing my taxes.<br />

Come be the Difference in Someone’s Life!<br />

NOW HIRING CNAs and DSPs<br />

Are you a compassionate individual who enjoys working<br />

with people in their home and in the community?<br />

Join our team of caring professionals!<br />

Apply online at JFMhomes.org<br />

or visit us at 800 Center St, Auburn<br />

John F. Murphy Homes, Inc. is an Equal Opportunity Employer and complies with all<br />

local, state, and federal guidelines in its employment practices & services provided.<br />

Whenever my dog winks at me I wink back just in case it's some sort of code I don't<br />

know about.<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

Please tell him to<br />

simply answer the<br />

question."<br />

By this time the Judge<br />

was fairly interested in<br />

Farmer Joe's answer<br />

and said to the lawyer,<br />

"I'd like to hear what he<br />

has to say about his favorite<br />

mule Bessie."<br />

Joe thanked the Judge<br />

and proceeded, "Well,<br />

as I was saying, I had<br />

just loaded Bessie, my<br />

favorite mule, into the<br />

trailer and was driving<br />

her down the highway<br />

when this huge semitruck<br />

and trailer ran the<br />

stop sign and smacked<br />

my truck right in the<br />

side. I was thrown into<br />

one ditch and Bessie<br />

was thrown into the<br />

other. I was hurting real<br />

bad and didn't want to<br />

move. However, I could<br />

hear ole Bessie moaning<br />

and groaning. I<br />

knew she was in terrible<br />

shape just by her<br />

groans.”<br />

“Shortly after the accident<br />

a Highway Patrolman<br />

came on the<br />

scene. He could hear<br />

Bessie moaning and<br />

groaning so he went<br />

over to her. After he<br />

looked at her he took<br />

out his gun and shot<br />

her between the eyes.<br />

Then the Patrolman<br />

came across the road<br />

with his gun in his hand<br />

and looked at me. He<br />

said, "Your mule was in<br />

such bad shape I had<br />

to shoot her, how are<br />

you feeling?"<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 25


Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

A guy just told me that I am "magic". I know he's lying because I can't make him<br />

disappear.<br />

Maine’s Most Affordable Senior Living Center<br />

went RED to support<br />

National Heart Disease Awareness Day!<br />

We Have an Opening!<br />

Kathy & Dick Gleason<br />

The first lady & president<br />

of LA radio<br />

#433 Rt. 202, PO Box 629, Greene • 207-946-3007 • www.mainemeadows.com<br />

Mark Poulin<br />

of Day’s Jewelers, digs deep<br />

for the next winner<br />

Mark Poulin &<br />

Larry Giroux<br />

Larry won the scavenger hunt<br />

and walked away with a beautiful<br />

Maine Tourmaline necklace.<br />

It’s a disgrace that<br />

gingerbread men are<br />

forced to live in houses<br />

made of their own<br />

flesh.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

26<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Out ’n About with the Lewiston Auburn Metropolitan Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner<br />

Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

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Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball and you just don't know enough about baseball<br />

to finish the metaphor.<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

Andrea Beaulieu<br />

Marco’s Restaurant<br />

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof,<br />

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Madness!<br />

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Daily Specials:<br />

Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59<br />

Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99<br />

Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99<br />

........................................................................lg. $3.49<br />

Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99<br />

BLT .............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49<br />

Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49<br />

Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59<br />

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MAIN STREET MARKET<br />

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Duane Arnold<br />

Marco’s Restaurant<br />

Highway<br />

Robbery<br />

Submitted by Mo Lizotte<br />

A turtle had been<br />

mugged by three<br />

snails, robbed of his<br />

money, and turned<br />

onto his back.<br />

When the police come<br />

to help him and take<br />

his statement, they<br />

asked him what<br />

happened.<br />

That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to<br />

the person behind you.<br />

He said “I don’t know, it<br />

all happened so fast.”


Management<br />

Lesson<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A tree silently weeping as firemen steals its cat again.<br />

One fine day, a bus<br />

driver went to the bus<br />

garage, started his<br />

bus, and drove off<br />

along the route. No<br />

problems for the first<br />

few stops - a few people<br />

got on, a few got<br />

off, and things went<br />

generally well.<br />

At the next stop, however,<br />

a big hulk of a<br />

guy got on. Six feet<br />

eight, built like a<br />

wrestler, arms hanging<br />

down to the ground. He<br />

glared at the driver and<br />

said, "Big John doesn't<br />

pay!" and sat down at<br />

the back.<br />

Did I mention that the<br />

driver was five feet<br />

three, thin, and basically<br />

meek? Well, he<br />

was. Naturally, he didn't<br />

argue with Big John,<br />

but he wasn't happy<br />

about it. The next day<br />

the same thing happened<br />

- Big John got<br />

on again, made a show<br />

of refusing to pay, and<br />

sat down. And the next<br />

day, and the next.<br />

This grated on the bus<br />

driver, who started losing<br />

sleep over the way<br />

Big John was taking<br />

advantage of him. Finally<br />

he could stand it<br />

no longer. He signed<br />

up for body building<br />

courses, karate, judo,<br />

and all that good stuff.<br />

By the end of the summer,<br />

he had become<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

28<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Do you ever get the feeling your stuff has strutted without you?


I was told I needed to do some soul searching… so I Googled James Brown.<br />

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When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.<br />

Early Spring means...<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

quite strong; what's<br />

more, he felt really<br />

good about himself. So<br />

on the next Monday,<br />

when Big John once<br />

again got on the bus<br />

and said, "Big John<br />

doesn't pay!"<br />

The driver stood up,<br />

glared back at the passenger,<br />

and screamed,<br />

"And why not?"<br />

With a surprised look<br />

on his face, Big John<br />

replied, "Big John has<br />

a bus pass."<br />

Management Lesson:<br />

"Be sure there is a<br />

problem in the first<br />

place before working<br />

hard to solve one."<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Thatchers for some<br />

Bubble Hockey<br />

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brought the money<br />

tonight...<br />

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I've got a mind like a… a… what's that thing called?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29


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Jeff<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

32<br />

Monkey<br />

Business<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A tourist walked into a<br />

pet shop and was looking<br />

at the animals on<br />

display. While he was<br />

there, another customer<br />

walked in and<br />

went over to a cage at<br />

the side of the shop<br />

and took out a monkey.<br />

He fit a collar and<br />

leash, handed it to the<br />

customer, saying,<br />

"That'll be $5,000." The<br />

customer paid and<br />

walked out with his<br />

monkey.<br />

Startled, the tourist<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Out ’n About at Day’s Jewelers<br />

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.<br />

Jessica Campbell, Amanda Robinson, KimBeth Merchant, Dan Cyr,<br />

Linda Arel, Rebecca Bonney, Shaun Jackson, Mark Poulin & Jacey Burnell<br />

Room service? Send up a larger room.


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Weekend BBQ<br />

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(continued from previous page)<br />

went over to the shopkeeper<br />

and said, "That<br />

was a very expensive<br />

monkey. Most of them<br />

are only a few hundred<br />

dollars. Why did it cost<br />

so much?"<br />

The shopkeeper answered,<br />

"Ah, that monkey<br />

can program in C -<br />

very fast, tight code, no<br />

bugs, well worth the<br />

money."<br />

The tourist looked at<br />

the monkey in another<br />

cage. "That one's even<br />

more expensive -<br />

$10,000! What does it<br />

do?"<br />

"Oh, that one's a C++<br />

monkey; it can manage<br />

object-oriented programming,<br />

Visual C++,<br />

even some Java. All<br />

the really useful stuff,"<br />

said the shopkeeper.<br />

The tourist looked<br />

around for a little<br />

longer and saw a third<br />

monkey in a cage of its<br />

own. The price tag<br />

around its neck read<br />

$50,000. He gasped to<br />

the shopkeeper, "That<br />

one costs more than all<br />

the others put together!<br />

What on earth does it<br />

do?"<br />

The shopkeeper<br />

replied, "Well, I haven't<br />

actually seen it do anything,<br />

but it says it's a<br />

consultant."<br />

What if shrinking<br />

sweaters in the wash is<br />

the only thing I'm any<br />

good at?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33


L/<br />

A t<br />

Good news from around Lew<br />

Hey L/A, keep watching (and reading) every month for more great stuff like what you’re about<br />

to read... We’re sure you’ll find it heartwarming and amazing.<br />

We’ll be on the look out for more local heroes, so if you know of one PLEASE let us know!<br />

We’re also looking for writers, who do you know that has a knack for writing a good story?<br />

CODE<br />

GRATITUDE<br />

Interview by Ginger Leigh Smith<br />

with Shannon Moss<br />

Lewiston Auburn Businesses join<br />

program to honor and benefit our<br />

“Protectors”.<br />

Introducing Code Gratitude<br />

You may recognize the brilliant smile,<br />

the infectious laugh and certainly you’ll<br />

remember the oft-mentioned coif of<br />

“naturally curly hair” that adorns the<br />

crown of one of Portland’s most popular<br />

television personalities. Since leaving<br />

the anchor desk, Shannon Moss has kept<br />

busy with a variety of projects and is<br />

also the champion of many local charities<br />

who serves as hostess and emcee for<br />

a number of fundraising events each<br />

year. Add to that the more important<br />

roles of loving wife to husband, Andy<br />

and doting mom to sons, Rowen &<br />

Quinn and you’d wonder how she has<br />

time for a new venture as well.<br />

So, for what else on earth is Shannon<br />

Moss making time and how does one<br />

get the opportunity to turn the tables on<br />

a former reporter/news anchor and get<br />

her to be the subject of the interview?<br />

When you’re lucky that she’s your<br />

friend and you have the opportunity to<br />

help share the exciting news about an<br />

amazing program she created.<br />

“<br />

“Wouldn’t it be great<br />

to have a website that<br />

would highlight businesses<br />

who offer incentives to<br />

Protectors?”<br />

"<br />

Ginger: Shannon – please tell the <strong>Uncle</strong><br />

Andy’s audience how you came up with<br />

the idea to start Code Gratitude.<br />

My husband Andy, a Portland Police Officer,<br />

and I were shopping in Under<br />

Armor last summer and by accident<br />

found out they offer a military/first responder<br />

discount. Two months later we<br />

were taking our boys to the Great Wolf<br />

Lodge in Massachusetts and discovered<br />

they offer a discount to Protectors as<br />

well. We were surprised and very appreciative.<br />

Sure the savings were nice, but<br />

the gesture was so much more. They<br />

had our business, but more importantly<br />

our loyalty.<br />

At that point, I began thinking, “Wouldn’t<br />

it be great to have a website that<br />

would highlight businesses who offer<br />

incentives to Protectors?” I envisioned a<br />

destination that was easy-to-use and<br />

populated with businesses who share<br />

the same passion for our protectors.<br />

They do so by offering discounts for fun<br />

things like a night out at a restaurant or<br />

something more practical like an oil<br />

change. It was created to be marketing<br />

businesses could feel good about – and<br />

that’s how Code Gratitude was born.<br />

Ginger: Is there anything else like this<br />

out there?<br />

Not like Code Gratitude. There are other<br />

websites, I’ve discovered, that offer discounts<br />

on individual items, but the purchases<br />

are made online. Code Gratitude<br />

was designed to directly involve the<br />

local business community and offer dis-<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

34<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

After only one Karate lesson I can break boards with my cast.


oday<br />

iston Auburn and Beyond!<br />

Photo courtesy of Colby Michaud, Praxis Production Studios<br />

counts for not just things people want,<br />

but also things they need as well.<br />

Ginger: Who benefits from this program?<br />

Both Protectors and local businesses.<br />

Code Gratitude is dedicated to showing<br />

our appreciation to the men and women<br />

in Law Enforcement, Fire, EMS and Military<br />

(active and retired), by offering<br />

special discounts and incentives from<br />

local businesses. Protectors benefit from<br />

the savings and nod of appreciation,<br />

while local businesses grow. It’s not<br />

charity – it’s truly<br />

gratitude marketing.<br />

Ginger: If I’m a “Protector,”<br />

what do I<br />

do?<br />

Go to codegratitude.com<br />

and search<br />

the site for businesses<br />

which have<br />

customized discounts<br />

and incentives<br />

just for you.<br />

You can search for businesses by location<br />

or category. Then all you have to do<br />

is visit the business and show your identification.<br />

We’re just getting started, so a<br />

hint for Protectors, make sure to visit the<br />

site often as we’re adding new businesses<br />

all the time.<br />

Ginger: If I’m a business that wants to do<br />

something for the Protectors, what do I<br />

do?<br />

As a Maine business, you can go directly<br />

to the site and enroll – it’s so easy! And<br />

it costs only $250 to become a member<br />

of Code Gratitude for an entire year.<br />

You customize a discount or incentive<br />

that will help grow your business, then<br />

we market your business to a very large,<br />

loyal group of potential customers. You<br />

can change your offer as often as you<br />

like, or keep it the same all year long.<br />

Also, of particular note is a very special<br />

aspect of Code Gratitude and that is our<br />

scholarships…10% of your membership<br />

fee will be used to support the Code<br />

Gratitude Scholarship Fund. Each year,<br />

scholarships will be awarded to Maine<br />

high school seniors who are joining the<br />

Protectors and Supporters: Josh Labonte, Auburn Fire Dept.; Rick Dionne, Auburn Fire Dept.;<br />

Chris Morey, Asst. Parts Mgr. at Evergreen Subaru, Shannon Moss, Jim Whittemore, Owner of<br />

Napa Auto Parts; Sgt. Chad Syphers, Auburn Police Dept.; Officer Dennis Matthews, Auburn Police<br />

Dept. & Ginger Leigh Smith<br />

military, studying fire science, criminal<br />

justice or pursuing other avenues to a<br />

career as one of our future Protectors.<br />

(And for companies or organizations<br />

who, by virtue of the nature of their<br />

business aren’t able to offer a discount<br />

(some insurance agencies, for example),<br />

then we have a Section called, “Friends<br />

of Code Gratitude” coming soon and<br />

they can donate directly to the scholarship.<br />

This way many more people who<br />

want to support the idea and mission of<br />

Code Gratitude will have a means by<br />

which to do so!)<br />

To learn more, go to:<br />

www.codegratitude.com<br />

or email Shannon directly<br />

at:<br />

shannon@codegratitude.com<br />

“<br />

"<br />

Ginger: Thanks, Shannon – for sharing<br />

the story of how Code Gratitude came<br />

to be. We look forward to watching the<br />

program grow and benefit Protectors<br />

and businesses all across<br />

Maine and eventually,<br />

the nation. And special<br />

thanks to the proprietors<br />

here in the Lewiston-<br />

Auburn area who have<br />

stepped up to help support<br />

your efforts and this<br />

worthy new endeavor to<br />

honor and serve our<br />

“Protectors.” Also, we’re<br />

particularly grateful to<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s for offering<br />

to share this story with<br />

our communities. To<br />

learn more, go to:<br />

www.codegratitude.com or email<br />

Shannon directly at: shannon@codegratitude.com<br />

n<br />

Author Ginger Leigh Smith is the Director<br />

of Business Development for Frisbie and Associates,<br />

a financial advisory firm in Lewiston.<br />

In her spare time, Ginger devotes her<br />

time & talents to a number of non-profits<br />

across the country, often by singing the National<br />

Anthem. It was at such an event a few<br />

years ago where she & Shannon first met<br />

and the rest is double-trouble history!<br />

It does not matter how many times you get knocked down, but how many times<br />

you get up.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 35


Out ’n About with<br />

Frisbie & Associates<br />

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself,<br />

any direction you choose” – Dr. Seuss<br />

at the Hilton Garden Inn<br />

for their Client<br />

Appreciation Dinner<br />

An investment<br />

in knowledge always<br />

pays the best<br />

interest.<br />

CARPET CLEANING ◆ TILE & GROUT ◆ UPHOLSTERY CLEANING ◆ AREA RUGS<br />

Celebrating 30 Years of Service in the L/A Area!<br />

Erika & Kevin<br />

Frisbie<br />

No job too<br />

Large or too<br />

Small!<br />

We can handle<br />

them ALL!<br />

207-783-2933 • WWW.COLLINSCARPETCLEANING.COM<br />

Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind and<br />

steals your happiness.<br />

Rick George<br />

The Law of<br />

Gravity<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A school kid asks his<br />

teacher, "Is it true that<br />

the law of gravity<br />

keeps us on Earth?"<br />

The teacher replied,<br />

"Yes."<br />

The kid then asked,<br />

"What kept us before<br />

the law was passed?"<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

36<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook<br />

account, and I’m over it.


If you see an improperly lowercased letter, you must capitalize on it.<br />

JT Reid’s<br />

Guns<br />

Purchasing<br />

Gun Collections<br />

of Any Size!<br />

86 Court St., Auburn<br />

777-3579<br />

www.jtreidsgunshop.com<br />

Over 300 Hand<br />

Guns Available!<br />

Join Us at the<br />

Twin Cities<br />

40th Annual<br />

Gun Show<br />

April 2nd & 3rd<br />

(Lewiston Armory)<br />

Out ’n About with<br />

Frisbie & Associates<br />

at the Hilton Garden Inn<br />

for their Client<br />

Appreciation Dinner<br />

Lance Gilman<br />

Out ’n About with Frisbie & Associates<br />

Ray Vallee Jr<br />

Did someone say<br />

Financial Freedom?<br />

TEXAS HOLD’EM Tournament!<br />

Sun. <strong>March</strong> 6 th & Sat. <strong>March</strong> 19 th Noon–5pm Doors open at 11am<br />

Your Event... HERE!<br />

Weddings • Graduations • Reunions • Birthday Parties<br />

Only Post painted by Scott LoBaido in Maine!<br />

I’m just here<br />

to secure my<br />

financial future<br />

and then it’s off<br />

to bed.<br />

American Legion Post 31<br />

426 Washington St. N. Auburn • 207-783-6992 • LegionPost31.com<br />

The famous SOS Breakfast Sun. <strong>March</strong> 6 th 7:30 - 10am<br />

Cooked to order. PUBLIC Welcome! Only $ 5<br />

“Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin<br />

Maggie Barnard<br />

with her son,<br />

a future millionaire<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 37


I need a new cell phone, the camera on this one makes me look old.<br />

The Cote Corporation<br />

“Dedicated to Excellence”<br />

“Where you’re<br />

treated like family.”<br />

Crane & Rigging Since 1966<br />

Millwright • Transportation • Warehousing<br />

2980 Hotel Road, Auburn • 207-783-0561 • www.cotecrane.com<br />

THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS<br />

1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn<br />

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801<br />

AndroscogginOrtho.com<br />

Complimentary<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

While reading a newspaper,<br />

Walter came<br />

across an article about<br />

a beautiful actress and<br />

model who married a<br />

boxer who was noted<br />

for his IQ.<br />

"I'll never understand,"<br />

he said to his wife,<br />

"why the biggest jerks<br />

get the most attractive<br />

wives."<br />

His wife replied, "Why,<br />

thank you, dear."<br />

I was spontaneous once. It didn't go as planned.<br />

Out ’n About at Thatcher’s<br />

Bert, you’re<br />

going down!<br />

Jeremy Dale Zach Tyson Chris<br />

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, it will call in sick for you.<br />

Send us your<br />

jokes & stories.<br />

We’ll get YOU published!<br />

Send them to<br />

Email: editor@<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com or<br />

Mail: PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212<br />

for consideration.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

38<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My retirement plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.


Whenever something says 'sign here' I can't help but put Capricorn.<br />

Marital Bliss<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A married couple in<br />

their early 60s were out<br />

celebrating their 35th<br />

wedding anniversary in<br />

a quiet, romantic little<br />

restaurant.<br />

Kickoff: Tuesday, April 26th 5:30pm-7:30PM<br />

at Ingersoll Arena Turf Facility in Auburn<br />

Work Phase: 4/26 to 5/10<br />

Finale: Friday, May 13th at 5pm<br />

at the Kora Shrine Temple in Lewiston<br />

Link: http://business.lametrochamber.com/events/details/y-not-yplaa-6487<br />

LEWISTON AUBURN’S<br />

40 UNDER 40<br />

YPLAA is pleased to present the INAUGURAL EVENT of the<br />

Lewiston-Auburn area’s top 40 professionals under the age of 40.<br />

Voting is done! The Winners will be notified in early <strong>March</strong>!<br />

CONGRATULATIONS!!<br />

These Young Professionals are the most involved in our communities – from non-profits,<br />

to community events, to volunteering at local functions... They live, work & play in L/A!<br />

These 40 will be contacted by the YPLAA leadership with instructions on what to do next.<br />

All 40 Under 40 winners will be recognized at the<br />

YPLAA 10th Anniversary Dinner on<br />

Friday, May 13, <strong>2016</strong><br />

This BLACK TIE (Fashionably Formal) EVENT<br />

will be one to remember!<br />

Questions? Email chair@yplaa.com • www.yplaa.com • Stay connected:<br />

If it's "easier said than done" then I'd rather we just keep talking about it.<br />

Suddenly, a tiny yet<br />

beautiful fairy appeared<br />

on their table<br />

and said, "For being<br />

such an exemplary<br />

married couple and for<br />

being faithful to each<br />

other for all this time, I<br />

will grant you each a<br />

wish."<br />

"Ooh, I want to travel<br />

around the world with<br />

my darling husband,"<br />

said the wife.<br />

The fairy moved her<br />

magic stick and – abracadabra!<br />

– two tickets<br />

for the new QM2 luxury<br />

liner appeared in her<br />

hands.<br />

Now it was the husbands<br />

turn. He thought<br />

for a moment and said:<br />

"Well this is all very<br />

romantic, but an opportunity<br />

like this only<br />

occurs once in a lifetime,<br />

so, I'm sorry my<br />

love, but my wish is to<br />

have a wife 30 years<br />

younger than me."<br />

The wife, and the fairy,<br />

were deeply disappointed,<br />

but a wish is a<br />

wish... So the fairy<br />

made a circle with her<br />

magic stick and<br />

abracadabra! – the<br />

husband became 92<br />

years old.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 39


Out ’n About at<br />

For the Love of Art<br />

Hosted by UMVA-L/A<br />

& The Studio<br />

If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.<br />

Willis Croninger<br />

& Emily Wright<br />

The Frisky Wisk<br />

Gisele Guerrette<br />

Petites Bites<br />

Melanie Therrien<br />

Wicked Illustrations<br />

Lauren Libby<br />

Mainely Craft Coasters<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

40<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I wish money would stop playing so hard to get.


My dog can predict when an earthquake will happen. But a doorbell on TV<br />

vs. an actual doorbell baffles him every time.<br />

We’re<br />

Celebrating<br />

Dealers from<br />

throughout<br />

New England<br />

SAT. APRIL 2 nd 9-4<br />

SUN. APRIL 3 rd 9-3<br />

at the<br />

Lewiston Armory<br />

Central Ave., Lewiston<br />

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC<br />

• 250 Tables of Guns & Related Items • Firearm Laws Will Be Observed<br />

• CONTEMPORARY & ANTIQUE GUNS OF ALL KINDS<br />

• KNIVES & OTHER RELATED ITEMS • Food Concessions & Raffles<br />

40 th Annual Twin Cities<br />

GUN SHOW<br />

Admission: Adults: $ 8<br />

Children under 12: Free with adult<br />

Despite watching several YouTube instructional videos, the appendectomy<br />

was unsuccessful.<br />

Maiden<br />

Voyage<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

"Would you mind telling<br />

me, Doctor," Bob<br />

asked, "how you detect<br />

a mental deficiency in<br />

somebody who appears<br />

completely<br />

normal?"<br />

"Nothing is easier," he<br />

replied. "You ask him a<br />

simple question which<br />

everyone should answer<br />

with no trouble. If<br />

he hesitates, that puts<br />

you on the track."<br />

"What sort of question?"<br />

"Well, you might ask<br />

him... Captain Cook<br />

made three voyages<br />

around the world and<br />

died during one of<br />

them. Which one?”<br />

Bob thought for a moment,<br />

and then said<br />

with a nervous laugh,<br />

"You wouldn't happen<br />

to have another example<br />

would you? I must<br />

confess I don't know<br />

much about history."<br />

Two Cows<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Two cows are standing<br />

next to each other in a<br />

field. Daisy says to<br />

Dolly, "I was artificially<br />

inseminated this<br />

morning."<br />

"I don't believe you,"<br />

says Dolly.<br />

"It's true, no bull!"<br />

exclaims Daisy.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 41


Out ’n About at<br />

For the Love of Art<br />

Hosted by UMVA-L/A<br />

& The Studio<br />

Today is my wife's birthday. What's the perfect gift for the woman who would never date<br />

me if she had just met me now?<br />

Nicole Pelletier, LMT<br />

& Tiffany Manson<br />

Turning<br />

Ordinary<br />

into<br />

Extraordinary!<br />

Top Quality,<br />

Experienced and<br />

Exceptional DJ Service<br />

Weddings • Cocktail/Dinner Magic • Bar Mitzvahs • Events • Celebrations<br />

MagicalDJProductions.com • 207-576-4289<br />

BOOK<br />

EARLY!<br />

Out ’n About with the Lewiston Auburn Metropolitan Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

Grayling Cunningham<br />

Orbit Hair & The Studio<br />

Laurie Ouellette<br />

Sweet Pea Designs<br />

Ray Geiger Award<br />

Chip Morrison<br />

presented by David Geiger,<br />

Jeff Geiger & Gene Geiger<br />

Barbara Violette<br />

Violette Cosmetics<br />

THE BOOTH THAT ISN’T A BOOTH<br />

Our Open Concept Photobooth is a HIT at any event!<br />

Customizable Backgrounds<br />

& Collage Templates<br />

Instant Prints & Social<br />

Media Posting!<br />

• Indoors or Out<br />

• Great for Weddings,<br />

Parties, Reunions,<br />

Golf Tournaments &<br />

More!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

42<br />

Alli Tremblay<br />

Violette Cosmetics<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

207-619-2454 • GingersnapRentals.com<br />

Each of my teardrop tattoos represent french fries I dropped between my car's seats.


Join Us to<br />

Celebrate Maine<br />

Restaurant Week!<br />

Special Menu<br />

<strong>March</strong> 1st - 12th<br />

EVERY MONDAY!<br />

20% off Burgers &<br />

30% Off<br />

ALL drafts<br />

MARCH<br />

MADNESS!<br />

Come watch your favorite<br />

sporting event with us! 11 TV’s<br />

16 Beers on Tap & Full Menu<br />

Available All the Time!<br />

Join Us for<br />

some St. Patty’s<br />

Day Cheer!<br />

Mac’s Grill<br />

1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn<br />

Call Us for ALL<br />

Your Catering<br />

Needs!<br />

783-6885 macsgrill.com


Out ’n About at<br />

For the Love of Art<br />

Hosted by UMVA-L/A<br />

& The Studio<br />

My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my<br />

shoulder as I type.<br />

Call Us For Your Excavation & Road Work<br />

Commercial or Residential<br />

Bonita Kenny<br />

Bonita K’s Photography<br />

FREE<br />

QUOTES<br />

Morin<br />

excavating<br />

Inc.<br />

784.8293 or<br />

576.4714<br />

amorinexc@roadrunner.com<br />

Egg on His Face<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Out ’n About with the Lewiston Auburn Metropolitan Chamber<br />

for their Annual Dinner Photos: Nathan Tsukroff / Bell Studios<br />

Grayling Cunningham<br />

Artist, Activist, Stylist<br />

A candidate for Congress from a certain<br />

Western state was never shy<br />

about telling the voters why they<br />

should send him to Washington.<br />

"I am a practical farmer," he said,<br />

boastfully, at one meeting. "I can<br />

plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse--<br />

in fact, I should like you to tell me one<br />

thing about a farm which I cannot do."<br />

Then, in the impressive silence, a<br />

voice asked from the back of the hall:<br />

"Can you lay an egg?"<br />

Ken Addition Award for Small Business Advocacy<br />

Diane Jackson, DECD<br />

presented by Mary LaFontaine<br />

Kate Cargile &<br />

Courtney Schlachter<br />

Local Artists<br />

Brad’s Precision Auto<br />

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 207-333-0364<br />

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...<br />

NO<br />

PROBLEM!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

44<br />

Sheri Withers<br />

Downtown<br />

Handmade & Vintage<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Don’t let car troubles<br />

bury you this winter!<br />

Brad’s mechanics: Marek, Mallory, Eli, Justin, Dan & John<br />

In Vermont, the ratio of cows to people is 10:1.<br />

• Appointments<br />

required<br />

• Fully warranteed<br />

& certified<br />

• $65/hr labor rate


Cows are the only mammals that pee backwards.<br />

St. Paddy’s Day Party<br />

MARCH<br />

Fri. 3/4 - Skosh<br />

Sat. 3/12 - 4Play<br />

Thurs. 3/17 St. Patty’s Day<br />

Party w/ DJ Scotty Dawg<br />

Fri. 3/18 - Screw Winter Party<br />

w/ Dr. Fat Finger, 4Play & Ruckus<br />

Sat. 3/19 - Stronghold<br />

Sat. 3/26 - The Tina<br />

Kelly Band<br />

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040<br />

Lobsters are scared of octopuses. The sight of one makes a lobster freeze.<br />

On The Ball<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Once there was a<br />

golfer named Larry<br />

whose drive landed on<br />

an anthill. Rather than<br />

move the ball, he decided<br />

to hit it ‘as it lies.’<br />

He gave a mighty<br />

swing. Clouds of dirt<br />

and sand and ants exploded<br />

from the spot.<br />

Everything but the golfball.<br />

It sat in the same<br />

spot.<br />

So Larry lined up and<br />

tried another shot.<br />

Clouds of dirt and sand<br />

and ants went flying<br />

again. The golf ball didn't<br />

even wiggle.<br />

Two ants survived.<br />

One dazed ant said to<br />

the other, "Whoa! What<br />

are we going to do?"<br />

Said the other ant, "I<br />

don't know about you,<br />

but I'm going to get on<br />

the ball."<br />

Million Dollars<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Weddings • Summer Events • Company Parties & More<br />

Professional<br />

service at an<br />

affordable price!<br />

No job too big or too small!<br />

Call Us Today for a Free Quote<br />

207-345-9009<br />

An English teacher<br />

asked her class to<br />

write an essay on what<br />

they'd do if they had a<br />

million dollars. Alec<br />

handed in a blank<br />

sheet of paper. "Alec!"<br />

yelled the teacher,<br />

"you've done nothing.<br />

Why?"<br />

"Because if I had a<br />

million dollars, that's<br />

exactly what I would<br />

do!"<br />

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 45


Sleeping at<br />

Work?<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Excuses To Use When<br />

Caught Sleeping At<br />

Work...<br />

They told me at the<br />

blood bank that this<br />

might happen.<br />

This is just a 15 minute<br />

power nap like they<br />

raved about in that<br />

time management<br />

course you sent me to.<br />

I was working smarter,<br />

not harder.<br />

Whew! I must have left<br />

the top off the whiteout.<br />

I wasn't sleeping! I<br />

was meditating on the<br />

mission statement and<br />

envisioning a new<br />

paradigm!<br />

This is one of the<br />

seven habits of highly<br />

effective people!<br />

I was testing the keyboard<br />

for drool<br />

resistance.<br />

I'm in the management<br />

training program.<br />

I'm actually doing a<br />

Stress Level Elimination<br />

Exercise Plan<br />

(SLEEP). I learned at<br />

the last mandatory<br />

seminar you made me<br />

attend.<br />

This is in exchange for<br />

the six hours last night<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

46<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

The blue whale can go up to 6 months without eating.<br />

Rolly’s Diner<br />

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />

Breakfast & Lunch<br />

Specials Daily<br />

Always great food &<br />

friendly staff!<br />

Amanda Fields & John Carlin<br />

A locksmith is a key employee.<br />

Shaw Hired as Business Development Officer<br />

Community Credit Union is pleased to announce the hiring of Matthew Shaw<br />

as the Business Development Officer. Prior to being hired, Shaw worked as the<br />

Director of Campaign and Marketing at United Way. Shaw will improve the<br />

Credit Union’s competitive position through Business<br />

Development functions including the development of new business relationships<br />

with prospective members and strengthening relationships with current<br />

members.<br />

Shaw resides in Lewiston. In his free time, Shaw enjoys boating and<br />

spending time on Sebago Lake, bartending and cooking for family<br />

and friends. Shaw is involved with many community events such as<br />

being a YPLAA steering Committee Member, an Ambassador for<br />

Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce and a Co-Chair of<br />

this year’s Y-Not Challenge . Shaw can be commonly found<br />

“out n’ about” as he is very passionate about the L/A area and<br />

its food, business and culture.<br />

Community Credit Union is a member-owned, full service financial<br />

institution that has been serving its members and the community<br />

since 1945. Community Credit Union has branches located at<br />

144 Pine Street, Lewiston; 40 Stanley Street, Auburn and<br />

1025 Auburn Road, Turner. For more information, log onto<br />

www.communitycreditunion.com.<br />

• Unusual Omelettes<br />

• Crepes<br />

• Breakfast All Day<br />

• Extensive Menu<br />

87 Mill St.<br />

New Auburn<br />

753-0171<br />

(for take-out)<br />

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm<br />

Sunday 7 am – noon<br />

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.


FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates<br />

Call Chrissy TODAY!<br />

Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

Rachel<br />

Bishop,<br />

Deborah<br />

Carroll<br />

& Sonia<br />

Theberge<br />

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.<br />

Giving Back to our Community<br />

Proud sponsor of “Cleaning fora Reason”<br />

• Office Cleaning<br />

• House Cleaning<br />

• Janitorial Services<br />

• Customized Cleaning<br />

• Floor Services<br />

Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.<br />

I have the best<br />

job in the world!<br />

chrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.com<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

when I dreamt about<br />

work!<br />

I was doing a highly<br />

specific Yoga exercise<br />

to relieve work related<br />

stress. Do you discriminate<br />

against people<br />

who practice Yoga?<br />

Darn! Why did you interrupt<br />

me? I had almost<br />

figured out a<br />

solution to our biggest<br />

problem.<br />

The coffee machine is<br />

broken.<br />

Someone must have<br />

put decaf in the wrong<br />

pot.<br />

Boy, that cold medicine<br />

I took last night just<br />

won't wear off.<br />

Ah, the unique and<br />

unpredictable circadian<br />

rhythms of the<br />

workaholic!<br />

I wasn't sleeping. I was<br />

trying to pick up my<br />

contact lens without my<br />

hands.<br />

"A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough." Benjamin Franklin<br />

Your LOCAL Source for Janitorial<br />

Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies<br />

No Minimum Purchases!<br />

Next Day Delivery in L/A<br />

120 Mill St., Auburn • 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com<br />

US.<br />

FOODS<br />

KEEPING KITCHENS COOKING<br />

Nel Morin, Territory Manager<br />

207.740.3398<br />

USFoods.com<br />

lionel.morin@usfoods.com<br />

MARCH SPECIALS<br />

Salmon Sockeye Filet $0.48/oz<br />

Beer Cheese Dip $0.16/oz<br />

Spreadable Brie $0.35/oz<br />

Watermelon Limeade Juice $0.04/oz<br />

Blood Orange Sorbet $0.10/oz<br />

Grass Fed Burgers $0.27/oz.<br />

Bavarian Soft Pretzel 2oz $0.42/ea<br />

Plus one FREE case with this ad<br />

The leopard was so good at guessing. Every time he was spot on.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 47


Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?<br />

Kim Darling<br />

U.S. Cellular<br />

I get mistaken<br />

for my brother Jack<br />

all the time...<br />

Jake Daniels<br />

U.S. Cellular<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

48<br />

Andrea Tomer<br />

U.S. Cellular<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

For more information visit<br />

www.korashriners.org or call Kora Shrine Center at 207-782-6831.<br />

Those who say that nothing is impossible have apparently never tried slamming a<br />

revolving door.


Always forgive your enemies; nothing will annoy them more!<br />

Points to<br />

Ponder<br />

Written & submitted by<br />

Roger Bouley<br />

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To believe you have<br />

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Your destiny, whether it<br />

is fate or choice, is<br />

controlled by knowledge<br />

gained on the<br />

way.<br />

Your knowledge,<br />

whether gained by fate<br />

or choice, will hold the<br />

key to your destiny.<br />

To a smart, smart person,<br />

one and one are<br />

not always two.<br />

To a dumb, smart person,<br />

one and one are<br />

always two.<br />

Gauthier Plumbing & Heating, LLC<br />

Commercial • Residential • Licensed & Insured<br />

207-212-2501 or 207-754-6351 • gauthierplmg.htgllc@yahoo.com<br />

The reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 49


OLD IS<br />

WHEN...<br />

Submitted by<br />

Gene Couillard<br />

Your sweetie says,<br />

“Let's go upstairs and<br />

make love.”<br />

And you answer:<br />

“Pick one, I can't do<br />

both!”<br />

Your friends compliment<br />

you on your new<br />

alligator shoes and<br />

you're barefoot!<br />

A sexy babe or hunk<br />

catches your fancy,<br />

and your pacemaker<br />

opens the garage door!<br />

You don't care where<br />

your spouse goes,<br />

just as long as you<br />

don't have to go along.<br />

You are cautioned to<br />

slow down by the doctor<br />

instead of by the<br />

police.<br />

Dance like you have all six Powerball numbers.<br />

Playing the Hits<br />

Artist<br />

Title<br />

Twenty One Pilots<br />

Stressed Out<br />

Rachel Platten<br />

Stand By You<br />

Adele<br />

When We Were Young<br />

Shawn Mendes<br />

Stitches<br />

Justin Bieber<br />

Sorry<br />

Selena Gomez<br />

Same Old Love<br />

Adele<br />

Hello<br />

Elle King<br />

Exes and Oh’s<br />

Ellie Goulding<br />

On My Mind<br />

Justin Bieber<br />

Love Yourself<br />

Cold Play<br />

Adventure Of A Lifetime<br />

James Bay<br />

Let It Go<br />

Taylor Swift<br />

Out Of The Woods<br />

Charlie Puth<br />

One Call Away<br />

Lukas Graham<br />

7 Years<br />

Your Friends<br />

'Getting lucky' means<br />

you find your car in the<br />

parking lot.<br />

An 'all nighter' means<br />

not getting up to use<br />

the bathroom.<br />

Matty B. Greg Michaels Dave Dean Gene Cassidy<br />

Photo Credit: Haines Photography<br />

AND FINALLY 'OLD' IS<br />

WHEN...<br />

You are not sure these<br />

are jokes!<br />

Laugh at Life<br />

"I've gotten to the age<br />

where I need my false<br />

teeth and hearing aid<br />

before I can ask where<br />

I left my glasses."<br />

Online at Z1055.com<br />

The official radio station of the<br />

Androscoggin County Chamber of Commerce and the<br />

L/A Fighting Spirit hockey team<br />

555 Center St., Auburn • Tel: 784-5868 • Email: GleasonMedia@gmail.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

50<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My patience needs an update.


Not to brag, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines<br />

around the city.<br />

<strong>2016</strong> YOUTH BASEBALL<br />

REGISTRATIONS<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Day’s Jewelers<br />

for the LA Metro Chamber’s<br />

Business After Hours<br />

I hope I win<br />

the 50/50<br />

tonight!<br />

Lewiston Little League<br />

T-Ball thru Babe Ruth<br />

Ages 4-15<br />

“You don’t need<br />

a ticket to see<br />

some of the best<br />

baseball in the<br />

world, you just<br />

need to drive one<br />

of the players to<br />

the game.”<br />

Art Lamothe<br />

REGISTRATION DATES:<br />

<strong>March</strong> 13th 1-4pm @ Geiger Elementary School<br />

<strong>March</strong> 20th 1-4pm @ Lewiston High School Gym<br />

<strong>March</strong> 23rd 6-8pm @ Lewiston High School Gym<br />

<strong>March</strong> 30th 6-8pm @ Lewiston High School Gym<br />

Tim Rucker<br />

Any Weekday February 29th - April 1st 9am-5pm<br />

@ Lynch & VanDyke, 261 Ash Street, Lewiston<br />

Online Anytime - www.lewistonbaseball.com<br />

Like us on Facebook<br />

facebook.com/lewlittleleague<br />

Linda Dupuis<br />

Maine Real Estate Network<br />

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step - blaming<br />

my parents.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 51


<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

52<br />

Tickle Your<br />

Punny Bone<br />

with Ron Hood<br />

Ron Hood is the<br />

Director of<br />

Owner Services<br />

for Owner<br />

Media Group.<br />

He’s also an<br />

internationally<br />

renowned PEZ<br />

collector, an amateur weather reporter, and man of<br />

mystery. Join the fun on his Facebook page. Email<br />

him at OTDweather@gmail.com<br />

<strong>March</strong> brings us cabin fever, which<br />

begs the question, house it going? I<br />

hope you are all doing well having lived<br />

through the snow of January & February.<br />

Mother Nature’s wrath of snow affects<br />

over 100 million people during the first<br />

two months of the year, but that is how<br />

winter goes, it is always white on time,<br />

and it's snow problem if people are prepared<br />

and take it safe. Many drivers who<br />

were speeding in the snowy conditions<br />

often found themselves adrift. Not surprisingly,<br />

there has been an increase in<br />

the numbers of reported sightings of the<br />

abominable snowman, but current data<br />

has yeti to be confirmed.<br />

<strong>March</strong> is also a time for <strong>March</strong> Madness.<br />

All the basketball fans scramble for<br />

tickets and are blown away by the<br />

prices. At the games, there always<br />

seems to be one basketball player that<br />

can't control his saliva, but, man, can he<br />

dribble. There is always one play where<br />

fans yell, “Don't you know how to play<br />

the game of basketball?” and the player<br />

decides to give it a shot and wins. It's an<br />

exciting time.<br />

We can't repeat last year's madness<br />

when the famous basketball player and a<br />

horse jockey robbed a bank. I remember<br />

how the police looked high and low for<br />

them for weeks. They finally did a steakout<br />

at a local restaurant and found the<br />

suspects. The police performed a search<br />

and seizure salad. When the police had<br />

the suspects in the elevator, that is when<br />

they realized they were really going<br />

down. The results of the investigation<br />

showed there was a second basketball<br />

player involved and they fought it out in<br />

full court with the press.<br />

That's all that fit to pun at this time,<br />

so I'll see you in April. ~ Ron<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Frosty keeps his money in a snow bank.<br />

Out ’n About with Frisbie & Associates<br />

Front: Ginger Leigh Smith, Melissa Lawrence & Angela Wilkinson.<br />

Back: Jeremy Barnard, Chris Parnell, Kevin Frisbie, Rick George & Chad Dion<br />

Deb & Tom Plourde<br />

Melissa Lawrence, Angela Wilkinson & Kevin Frisbie<br />

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.<br />

No one told me<br />

there would be<br />

dancing!


A guy walked into this Wal-Mart wearing a suit. He's our king now.<br />

You won’t<br />

need a Pot of<br />

Gold with<br />

regular car<br />

maintenence<br />

at The Shop!<br />

Mike<br />

Smith,<br />

Owner<br />

Proofreading<br />

is a Dying Art<br />

Interesting Headlines<br />

Submitted by Gene Couillard<br />

Something Went Wrong in<br />

Jet Crash, Expert Says<br />

Police Begin Campaign to<br />

Run Down Jaywalkers<br />

23 Lisbon Street, • Lisbon/Lewiston line<br />

207-353-6100<br />

HOME OF THE 2 YEAR WARRANTY<br />

ON ALL PARTS & LABOR!<br />

(no matter the mileage)<br />

theshopclassicrestorations.com<br />

While on auto pilot...<br />

Costume furnished by Drapeau’s, Lisbon, Maine<br />

Jousting fun...<br />

Panda Mating Fails;<br />

Veterinarian Takes Over<br />

Miners Refuse to Work<br />

after Death<br />

Juvenile Court to Try<br />

Shooting Defendant<br />

War Dims Hope for Peace<br />

If Strike Isn't Settled<br />

Quickly, It May Last Awhile<br />

Cold Wave Linked to<br />

Temperatures<br />

Enfield (London) Couple<br />

Slain; Police Suspect<br />

Homicide<br />

Red Tape Holds Up New<br />

Bridges<br />

Man Struck By Lightning:<br />

Faces Battery Charge<br />

CALL RAY TODAY!<br />

Voted<br />

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RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com<br />

It's called "take home" pay because you can't afford to go anywhere else with it.<br />

New Study of Obesity<br />

Looks for Larger Test<br />

Group<br />

Astronaut Takes Blame for<br />

Gas in Spacecraft<br />

Kids Make Nutritious<br />

Snacks<br />

Local High School<br />

Dropouts Cut in Half<br />

Hospitals are Sued by<br />

7 Foot Doctors<br />

Typhoon Rips Through<br />

Cemetery; Hundreds Dead<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 53


<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

54<br />

Brain vs.<br />

Brawn<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The strong young man<br />

at the construction site<br />

was bragging that he<br />

could out do anyone in<br />

a feat of strength.<br />

He made a special<br />

case of making fun of<br />

one of the older workmen.<br />

After several minutes,<br />

the older worker had<br />

had enough.<br />

"Why don't you put<br />

your money where<br />

your mouth is?" he<br />

said.<br />

"I will bet a week's<br />

wages that I can haul<br />

something in a wheelbarrow<br />

over to that<br />

building that you won't<br />

be able to wheel back."<br />

"You're on, old man,"<br />

the young guy replied.<br />

The old man reached<br />

out and grabbed the<br />

wheelbarrow by the<br />

handles.<br />

Then he turned to the<br />

young man and said,<br />

"Alright. Get in."<br />

I didn’t sleep well last<br />

night so I made my coffee<br />

this morning with<br />

Red Bull instead of<br />

water. I was half way<br />

to work when I realized<br />

I forgot my car.<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

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The probability of seeing someone you know increases when you are out with<br />

someone you don’t want to be seen with.<br />

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I asked the doctor to give me something for persistent wind.<br />

He gave me a kite.<br />

SALES EVENT<br />

Beware<br />

of Dog<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

As the stranger enters<br />

a country store, he<br />

spots a sign: "Danger!<br />

Beware of Dog!" Inside,<br />

he sees a harmless<br />

old hound asleep<br />

in the middle of the<br />

floor.<br />

"Is that the dog we’re<br />

supposed to beware<br />

of?" he asks the owner.<br />

"That’s him," comes<br />

the reply.<br />

"He doesn’t look dangerous<br />

to me. Why<br />

would you post that<br />

sign?"<br />

"Before I posted that<br />

sign, people kept tripping<br />

over him.”<br />

Helping Hand<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

A man went to visit his<br />

friend at the office,<br />

where he found him sitting<br />

at his desk, looking<br />

very depressed.<br />

“What’s up with you?”<br />

the man asked.<br />

Bring in this ad and instantly get<br />

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"The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have." – Vince Lombardi<br />

“Oh, it’s my wife,” the<br />

friend replied. “She<br />

hired a new secretary<br />

for me.”<br />

“Is she blond or<br />

brunette” the man<br />

asked.<br />

“Neither” the other<br />

replied “he’s bald.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 55


Accents<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

About a year ago my<br />

sister, who lives in Virginia,<br />

was talking with<br />

her four year old son,<br />

Brent.<br />

He was asking her why<br />

all their relatives from<br />

Wisconsin talk funny<br />

and sound like their<br />

noses are plugged up.<br />

"They think we have an<br />

accent," she replied.<br />

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.” – Joan Rivers<br />

600 Center St. • Shaw’s Plaza, Auburn • 784-6766 • www.DaysJewelers.com<br />

Since 1914<br />

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"But they have an accent,<br />

right?" Brent<br />

asked. "They talk<br />

funny."<br />

A little help from a friend...<br />

A place for everything...<br />

"Everybody talks in different<br />

ways" she tried<br />

to explain.<br />

"To them, we sound<br />

like we talk very slow<br />

and all our words are<br />

d-r-a-w-n out."<br />

His eyes got big, and<br />

he whispered seriously,<br />

"Oh, no. You mean<br />

they hear funny, too?"<br />

"Listen earnestly to<br />

anything your children<br />

want to tell you, no<br />

matter what. If you<br />

don't listen eagerly to<br />

the little stuff when<br />

they are little, they<br />

won't tell you the big<br />

stuff when they are big,<br />

because to them all of<br />

it has always been big<br />

stuff."<br />

10 Pin, Candlepin & a whole lot of fun!<br />

Getting<br />

ready for<br />

Summertime<br />

Candlepin<br />

bowling!<br />

– Catherine M. Wallace<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

56<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 207-786-2695 • SparetimeRec.com<br />

The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.


207-783-7039<br />

(That’s not a threat.) It’s a fact.<br />

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST was audited by the Certification Verification Council (CVC),<br />

an independent, third-party reporting audit company. They audit more than 3,700 publications<br />

nationwide. Our audit shows:<br />

2.5 *<br />

80.6% *<br />

58% *<br />

52% *<br />

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Getting your ad up to 25,000<br />

impressions per month.<br />

National average:<br />

1.75*<br />

frequently purchase products and<br />

services from ads seen in<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

National average:<br />

74.4%*<br />

of our readers have an<br />

annual household income of<br />

$50,000 or more.<br />

National average:<br />

47%*<br />

of our readers hang on to their<br />

<strong>Digest</strong> for a month or more,<br />

giving it coffee table status.<br />

National average:<br />

25%*<br />

It’s Verified – <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> Delivers!<br />

*Source: 2015 CVC Audit Report. Ask to see entire report.


Animal Sounds<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

"Hakuna Matata" is a Swahili phrase that literally translates to "There are no worries."<br />

A group of young children<br />

were siting in a<br />

circle with their<br />

teacher. She was going<br />

around in turn asking<br />

them all questions.<br />

"Little Timmy, what<br />

noise does a cow<br />

make?"<br />

"It goes moo."<br />

"Little Jimbo, what<br />

noise does a cat<br />

make?"<br />

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"Little Stevie, what<br />

sound does a mouse<br />

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"Errr.., it goes.. click!"<br />

Famous Last<br />

Words<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The bride was escorted<br />

down the aisle and<br />

when she reached the<br />

altar, the groom was<br />

standing there with his<br />

golf bag and clubs at<br />

his side.<br />

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She said, "What are<br />

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He looked her right in<br />

the eye and said, "This<br />

isn't going to take all<br />

day, is it?"<br />

John Blanchette<br />

150 East Ave, Lewiston<br />

207-783-2246<br />

www.maineinsuranceonline.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

58<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the<br />

same time.


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Boy, they sure don't make time machines like they will anymore.<br />

NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB<br />

7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 207-782-9039<br />

Celebrate St. Paddy’s Day with us!<br />

Thursday, <strong>March</strong> 17th<br />

Open to the Public<br />

Green Beer Specials ALL DAY!<br />

DJ & Dancing 8:00–Midnight<br />

$<br />

5 OFF*<br />

$20.00 or more<br />

Receive $5.00 off of your guest check<br />

when you spend $20 or more.<br />

Valid Monday-Friday<br />

exp. 3/31/16<br />

*Offers are for regular priced items only. Discounts not valid on specialty items and senior menu items. Cannot be combined<br />

with any other offer or discount. Not valid on weekends and holidays. Valid at Auburn ME location only.<br />

<strong>March</strong> 19th (members only)<br />

Corned Beef Dinner<br />

6–7:30pm<br />

Green Beer & Drink Specials<br />

Membership Dues due by 3-31-16<br />

Thick slices of Brioche bread<br />

dipped in our vanilla batter, then<br />

in cornflakes and oatmeal, and<br />

topped with plump blackberries<br />

and drizzled with vanilla sauce.<br />

The most valuable thing you can make is a mistake... You can’t learn anything from<br />

being perfect.<br />

Luck of<br />

the Irish<br />

Submitted by Steve Simard<br />

An Irishman, me ole<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Paddy, is wandering<br />

along a beach<br />

one day when he sees<br />

this bottle lying there<br />

with a cork in it.<br />

Curious, he picks it up<br />

and pulls out the cork<br />

KAZZZAAAM!!! a genie<br />

appears. "Oh thank<br />

you Effendi," says the<br />

genie. "I have been<br />

locked in that bottle for<br />

many thousands of<br />

years and at last you<br />

have freed me.<br />

I will grant you three<br />

wishes."<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Paddy, a bit perplexed<br />

at this turn of<br />

events sits down and<br />

thinks for a bit. "OK,<br />

Oid loik an everlasting<br />

pint of Guinness."<br />

"No problem," says the<br />

genie, and in a flash of<br />

light a pint of Guinness<br />

appears in the Irishman's<br />

hand.<br />

Somewhat cautiously<br />

he sips it, finds it's<br />

good, and slowly drinks<br />

the whole pint, whereupon,<br />

to his amazement<br />

it fills up again.<br />

Well, once again, he<br />

sips it then slowly<br />

drinks the whole pint,<br />

and what do you know<br />

- it fills up again.<br />

After 7 or 8 pints the<br />

genie is starting to get<br />

a little impatient.<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 59


(continued from previous page)<br />

"Well, Effendi, what are<br />

your last two wishes?"<br />

Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks<br />

he knows better. Ridiculous.<br />

"Oh to be sure," says<br />

the Irishman, "Oi'll<br />

have two more of dese<br />

Everlastin' Guinness<br />

please!"<br />

Out ’n About with<br />

Cado the Tornado<br />

Caden with his dad, Adon<br />

Senior Golfers<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course<br />

with waning enthusiasm for the sport.<br />

"These hills are getting steeper as the<br />

years go by," one complained.<br />

"These fairways seem to be getting longer<br />

too," said one of the others.<br />

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I<br />

remember them too," said the third senior.<br />

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies,<br />

the oldest, and the wisest of the four<br />

of them at 87 years old, piped up and<br />

said...<br />

"Quit your dang complaining and just be<br />

thankful we're still on the top side of the<br />

grass!"<br />

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

60<br />

Caden hard at work<br />

Caden loves to go<br />

shopping with his Mommy<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

The American Legion<br />

FAMILY<br />

OPEN<br />

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 1pm - close<br />

Thursday, Friday, Saturday noon to close<br />

Hall Rentals Available<br />

Call for more information<br />

207-782-1118<br />

William J. Rogers Post 153<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118<br />

Activities - Members & Guests Welcome<br />

Join Us for Corn Beef Dinner<br />

<strong>March</strong> 18th 4:30 - 6:30pm Adults: $8 • Children $4<br />

Followed by: 70’s Dance - Music by: Jean Lewis<br />

Best Dressed 1st place: $50 2nd Place $25<br />

BREAKFAST BUFFET<br />

Sunday <strong>March</strong> 20, 8-10am Adults $7 Children $4<br />

ALL YOU CAN EAT SPAGHETTI SUPPER<br />

Saturday <strong>March</strong> 26, 4:30-6:30pm Adults $8 Children $4<br />

KARAOKE W/ JEAN LOUIS Fri. & Sat. evenings 7-11pm<br />

It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.


The fastest RC car reached speeds of 161 mph.<br />

Dead Last<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A racehorse owner was<br />

furious with his jockey<br />

after the horse he rode<br />

came in dead last.<br />

"Could you not have<br />

raced any faster?" he<br />

raged.<br />

"Sure I could have,"<br />

replied the jockey, "but<br />

you know we are supposed<br />

to stay on the<br />

horse."<br />

Out ’n About at Cafe LA<br />

That breakfast<br />

wrap looks good...<br />

are you gonna eat<br />

that?<br />

We’re now<br />

serving Breakfast,<br />

Lunch and Dinner!<br />

Maggie Gellatly & Marc Sinclair<br />

Caden Shaw<br />

Rejection is all about who you no.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 61


Jimbo,<br />

we should go<br />

jump at the new<br />

air park!<br />

It takes my wife 2 hours to complete a 2,000 piece puzzle. It takes me 2 hours to get our<br />

toddler's feet into footy pajamas.<br />

Now<br />

Open!<br />

#aeroairpark<br />

Tim Rucker<br />

says he’s getting his new<br />

back window done soon<br />

so everyone will know<br />

where to find him.<br />

Tim,<br />

you go. I’ll be at<br />

Sea 40 when you’re<br />

done.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

62<br />

<strong>March</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

Jimbo<br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Visit Our Website for<br />

Hop & Hibachi<br />

Birthday Party Options<br />

NEW TRAMPOLINE FITNESS<br />

Aero Fitness Every Wed.<br />

Night at 5:30pm<br />

Limited to 12 people<br />

$12/class Call Adriane to<br />

reserve your space!<br />

312-2277<br />

$<br />

10/class - $ 2 socks<br />

Fun For All<br />

Ages!<br />

Parties &<br />

Groups<br />

Welcome<br />

Check OUT Our New<br />

Website for Details<br />

www.aeroairpark.com<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston Next to Sea40<br />

Hours: Mon-Thurs. 11a-9p;<br />

Fri. 11a-11p; Sat. 10a-11p<br />

Sun. 10a-9p<br />

207-783-3888<br />

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting. I wonder what she’s up to now.


Beverage & Redemption<br />

Wholesale Retail Redemption Liquor Store<br />

Canadian<br />

Lord Calvert<br />

1.75L $14.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

Jameson<br />

1.75L<br />

$44.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

1800 Tequila<br />

750ml Family<br />

$21.99<br />

Save $6.00<br />

Stolichnaya<br />

Family 1.75L<br />

$29.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

Dr. McGill<br />

750ml<br />

$13.99<br />

Save $3.00<br />

MARCH SPECIALS<br />

BEER:<br />

Bud/Bud Light 15 Pack 16oz can . . . . . .$12.99<br />

New-Bud Light Rita Splash 6 pack . . . . .$7.99<br />

Shipyard/Seadog/Sam Adams . . . . . . . .$13.99<br />

Longtrail/Otter Creek/Shed 12 Packs . .$13.99<br />

Twisted Tea 6 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$6.99<br />

Miller/Coors Light 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99<br />

Baxter 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$15.99<br />

Guinness 12 Packs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$14.99<br />

WINE<br />

Z. Alexander Brown 750 ml . . . . . . . . . .$12.99<br />

Woodbridge 1.5 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99<br />

Barefoot 1.5 m . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99<br />

Rex-Goliath 750 ml 2 for . . . . . . . . . . . . .$9.99<br />

Stella Rosa 750 ml . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .$10.99<br />

Barcardi Superior<br />

1.75L<br />

$19.99<br />

Save $6.00<br />

Patron Silver<br />

1.75L $104.99<br />

Save $17.00<br />

Capt. Morgan<br />

1.75L $24.99<br />

Save $4.00<br />

Malibu<br />

1.75L<br />

$24.99<br />

Save $3.00<br />

Absolut<br />

1.75L $29.99 Save $5.00<br />

Jim Beam<br />

1.75L<br />

$28.99<br />

Save $3.00<br />

Fireball<br />

Whiskey<br />

1.75L $24.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

Jack Daniels Family<br />

1.75L $39.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

Serving the L/A Community since 1992<br />

694 Main St. Lewiston • 782-1482 794 Sabattus St. Lewiston • 783-6353 1420 Lisbon St. Lewiston • 333-3095<br />

545 Minot Ave. Auburn • 783-2047 5 L/A Locations!<br />

301 Main St. Auburn • 783-9098<br />

www.roopersbeverage.com<br />

ATM & Lottery


No luck<br />

needed to<br />

experience the best<br />

car wash in L/A!<br />

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.<br />

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm<br />

Fri. by appointment<br />

Come<br />

Experience<br />

a Real<br />

Hand Car<br />

Wash<br />

Done the<br />

Old Fashioned<br />

Way!<br />

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.<br />

Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit<br />

with results that you will be proud to show off.<br />

Visit us at our state of the art office at:<br />

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza<br />

783-1351<br />

Same Day Emergency Care<br />

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider<br />

LIQUID<br />

SUNSHINE<br />

CAR WASH<br />

& DETAIL<br />

865 Sabattus Street<br />

Lewiston<br />

333-3004<br />

Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm<br />

Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm<br />

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com

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