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Uncle Andy's Digest - May 2016

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UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST<br />

20 Years later and it’s still<br />

FREE<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

Our Staff<br />

“Affordable Dental Excellence”<br />

Dr. Robert McVety<br />

New Patient Special $ 88<br />

Includes: Cleaning, Exam, & Xrays<br />

Caring family Dentists<br />

& Specialists!<br />

Amanda<br />

Alicia<br />

Sarah<br />

Ashley<br />

Nikki<br />

488 Sabattus St., Lewiston • 207-783-8800<br />

www.androscoggindentalgroup.com<br />

207-782-7113<br />

Get Your FREE<br />

Quote Today!<br />

Richard Moylan<br />

(207) 777-0050<br />

791 Kittyhawk Ave.<br />

Unit 5, Auburn<br />

richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />

31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com<br />

Voted best International Restaurant<br />

AND Best Sushi Restaurant by You,<br />

via Market Surveys of America,<br />

3 years running!<br />

MOM’S love Sea<br />

40 for Mother’s<br />

Day!<br />

Insurance and coverages subject to terms. qualifications and availability. Allstate Property and Casualty Insurance<br />

Company, Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook, Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />

LIVE MUSIC EVERY WEEK!<br />

Join us Thursday Nights 7–9pm<br />

<strong>May</strong> 5<br />

<strong>May</strong> 12<br />

<strong>May</strong> 19<br />

<strong>May</strong> 26<br />

Flying Otters<br />

Donnie Hebert<br />

Big G N Rhino<br />

John Cross<br />

Ladies Night<br />

Happy Hour<br />

Specials!<br />

Mermaid Night is Back!<br />

Every<br />

LADY<br />

chooses<br />

a Treasure<br />

from our<br />

Fishbowl<br />

Japanese Cuisine<br />

40 East Ave., Lewiston • 207-795-6888<br />

www.sea40me.com


Check out<br />

Our Events<br />

in MAY!<br />

1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston<br />

Mother’s Day Spoil Me Event!<br />

Text to #: 24587 Keyword: gozone to register for the Mothers Day Spoil Me Event!<br />

<strong>May</strong> 14th 8:30 am or 10am<br />

Attendees must pre-register!<br />

www.gozonefit.com<br />

MUSIC | FREE CLASS | TREATS | GAMES<br />

207-241-8238<br />

Text to #: 24587 keyword: healthygrocer for upcoming promotions and a special discount for this event.<br />

ON SAMPLE...<br />

Gluten Free • Protein Enriched • Diabetic Approved<br />

Bariatric Approved • Low Carb • Non GMO • Vegan


The next time there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"<br />

MODERN WOODMEN<br />

OF AMERICA<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

Wednesday, <strong>May</strong> 4th<br />

Grid Iron 4 – 7pm<br />

(Chapter 12907)<br />

1567 Lisbon St, Lewiston<br />

$8 Member; $9.50 Guest<br />

Saturday, <strong>May</strong> 7th<br />

KC Sabattus Bean & Casserole<br />

Supper 4:30 – 6pm<br />

Maxwell Gill Hall, 131 High St,<br />

Sabattus<br />

$6 Member; $7 Guest<br />

Sunday, <strong>May</strong> 8th<br />

KC Mother’s Day Brunch<br />

8 – 10:30am (Chapter 7938)<br />

2 Columbus Drive, Brunswick<br />

$5 Members; $6 Guests;<br />

Free/Child under 10<br />

Tuesday, <strong>May</strong> 10th<br />

Luiggi’s 4 – 7pm<br />

(Chapter 14346)<br />

63 Sabattus St, Lewiston<br />

$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest<br />

Sunday, <strong>May</strong> 15th<br />

Flagship Cinema<br />

(Chapter 8609)<br />

Center St, Auburn<br />

$4.50 Member; $5.50 Guest<br />

Tuesday, <strong>May</strong> 17th<br />

Roy’s Breakfast 7 – 10am<br />

(Chapter 14437)<br />

Washington St, Auburn<br />

$3.50 Member; $4.50 Guest<br />

Saturday, <strong>May</strong> 21st<br />

Hometown Hero – Walter<br />

Levesque 4:30 – 5:30pm<br />

(Chapter 10589)<br />

KC Sacred Heart Bean Supper<br />

8 Sacred Heart Place, Auburn<br />

$5 Ticket<br />

Tuesday, <strong>May</strong> 24th<br />

Taber’s 4 – 7pm<br />

(Chapter 12749)<br />

Lakeshore Drive, Auburn<br />

$5.50 Member; $7 Guest<br />

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.<br />

TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO RE-<br />

TURNS & NO REFUNDS ALLOWED<br />

Prices, Dates and Menu are subject to<br />

change. If additional info is needed, please<br />

call our office, please do not call restaurants.<br />

All activities can only be attended at<br />

the times listed.<br />

*************************<br />

Tickets need to be purchased at the<br />

Modern Woodmen District Office,<br />

184 Webster Street, Lewiston for all<br />

activities and can only be picked up the<br />

week prior to the activity, Mon – Thurs<br />

9am - 4pm & Friday 9am - Noon<br />

(excluding Holidays). Call 782-1833.


UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST<br />

is published by the first<br />

Friday of every month by Maine<br />

Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.<br />

with offices at 9 Grove Street,<br />

Auburn, Maine, USA.<br />

Published and distributed since<br />

1996 throughout Central Maine<br />

and mailed to subscribers all over<br />

the Free World. Subscriptions are<br />

$30/year. Send a check made out<br />

to UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST to:<br />

PO Box 3363, Auburn, ME 04212<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com<br />

Office: 207-783-7039<br />

UAD Super Heroes<br />

SPIDY<br />

TIM<br />

CAPTAIN<br />

JIMBO<br />

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.<br />

AFFORDABLE DENTURES<br />

Poorly fitting or broken dentures repaired<br />

on-site, usually same-day service!<br />

Also see us for:<br />

• Full Dentures<br />

• Immediate Dentures<br />

• Partial Dentures<br />

• Rebases<br />

• Relines<br />

• Repairs<br />

• All work done in house,<br />

including metal frameworks<br />

Like our name implies, we’ll make you Smile Again!<br />

HULK<br />

SMASH<br />

THOMAS<br />

We now offer Citi Health Card • Most Dental Insurances Accepted<br />

We also accept Credit & Debit Cards • Not a MaineCare Provider<br />

FREE CONSULTATIONS<br />

BATGIRL<br />

TRACY<br />

WONDER<br />

WOMAN<br />

PAM<br />

SMILE AGAIN DENTURES<br />

801 Webster Street, Lewiston<br />

514-0660<br />

SmileAgainDentures.com<br />

Or email us at:<br />

smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />

Mike & Joe<br />

Adkins,<br />

licensed<br />

denturists<br />

While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> tries very hard to<br />

ensure the accuracy of the information in our<br />

client’s advertisements and our publication in<br />

general, we are not responsible for vendor<br />

availability, typographical errors, technical inaccuracies,<br />

product pricing errors, or omissions.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

4<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.


I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.<br />

Don’t Forget... <strong>May</strong> 7 & 8 is our<br />

OPEN HOUSE WEEKEND!<br />

DOOR PRIZES • GIVEAWAYS • REFRESHMENTS<br />

For All Your Flower Garden & Vegetable Garden Needs<br />

10 Greenhouses full of...<br />

Full Line of<br />

Bagged Mulch • Soils • Fertilizers<br />

Garden Tools • Pro-Mix • Potting Soil<br />

Bulk deliveries available<br />

Mother’s Day<br />

<strong>May</strong> 8 th<br />

Gift Certificates Available<br />

Proven Winners ®<br />

10” to 12” Hanging Combination<br />

Annual Flats, Herb & Vegetable<br />

Flats & Pots • Geraniums<br />

Bulk<br />

• Trees & Shrubs • Asparagus<br />

& Strawberry Roots<br />

• Seed Potato • Seeds<br />

Mulch • Loam • Compost<br />

GREENHOUSE & GARDEN CENTER<br />

OPEN EVERY DAY 8-6<br />

896 Lawrence Rd, No. Pownal • 207-688-4462<br />

www.gardenspotfarm.com<br />

Wednesdays SENIORS 62 & over 10% OFF<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

Andrew Robinson<br />

District Attorney<br />

Took my dog to a bonfire and as he sat there staring at it, I realized he loves sticks.<br />

I was burning a giant pile of his toys.<br />

Bill Lowenstein<br />

President SAPARS<br />

rebekah@ninthtonestudios.com • 207-520-9453<br />

Results of Voice Lessons<br />

• Increase Volume, range & resonance<br />

• Gained confidence on and off the stage<br />

• Become a better musician, performer & MORE!<br />

Study voice with Rebekah Leonard, who holds a bachelor of music<br />

degree in voice performance and is a full member in the National<br />

Association of Teachers of Singing.<br />

SUMMER SPECIAL<br />

Buy 10 Lessons by June 1st <strong>2016</strong> & get 2 FREE ($70 Savings)<br />

Went to the corner store - bought 4 corners.<br />

Everywhere we go,<br />

there you are (<strong>Uncle</strong><br />

Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>)...<br />

Anthony D'Andrea, NAI<br />

& Susan Bowyer,<br />

Certus Paralegal<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5


New Golf Rules<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The Veterans Golf Association<br />

has negotiated<br />

with The Royal and Ancient<br />

Golf Club, based in<br />

St Andrews, Scotland to<br />

modify the Rules of Golf<br />

for Seniors.<br />

Rule 1.a.5<br />

A ball sliced or hooked<br />

into the rough shall be<br />

lifted and placed on the<br />

fairway at a point equal<br />

to the distance it carried<br />

or rolled into the<br />

rough with no penalty.<br />

The senior should not<br />

be penalized for tall<br />

grass which<br />

groundskeepers failed<br />

to mow.<br />

Rule 2.d.6 (b)<br />

A ball hitting a tree<br />

shall be deemed not to<br />

have hit the tree. This<br />

is simply bad luck and<br />

luck has no place in a<br />

scientific game. The<br />

senior player must estimate<br />

the distance the<br />

ball would have travelled<br />

if it had not hit the<br />

tree and play the ball<br />

from there.<br />

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’re unarmed.<br />

ARE YOU READY FOR SUMMER?<br />

Before<br />

After<br />

I-lipo<br />

Targeted<br />

Fat Loss<br />

Botox & Juvederm • Wrinkle/Spot Removal • Skin Rejuvenation<br />

I-Lipo • Hydrafacial MD • Tattoo Removal<br />

250 Center St, Auburn • Ste 206<br />

207-333-3069<br />

yourbestskinofmaine.com<br />

CALL NOW!<br />

333-3069<br />

"I have two acting styles: with and without a horse." – Robert Mitchum<br />

KNOWWHOYOUHIRE.COM<br />

Rule 3.b.3 (g)<br />

There shall be no such<br />

thing as a lost ball. The<br />

missing ball is on or<br />

near the course and<br />

will eventually be found<br />

and pocketed by someone<br />

else, making<br />

it a stolen ball. The<br />

player is not to compound<br />

the felony by<br />

charging himself or<br />

herself with a penalty.<br />

Rule 4.c.7 (h)<br />

If a putt passes over a<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

Call Us Today!<br />

Corporate Intelligence<br />

207-783-0000 or 1-800-818-8809<br />

Kicking cancer<br />

www.KnowWhoYouHire.com in the can!<br />

“The intelligent choice<br />

for today’s world.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

6<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

If you “Friend Request” me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume<br />

you are a transformer.


"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." – Mitch Hedberg<br />

classrooms. offices. libraries. rest rooms. locker rooms. cafeterias.<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

hole without dropping,<br />

it is deemed to have<br />

dropped. The law of<br />

gravity supersedes the<br />

Rules of Golf.<br />

Rule 5.<br />

Putts that stop close<br />

enough to the cup that<br />

they could be blown in,<br />

may be blown in. This<br />

does not apply to balls<br />

more than three inches<br />

from the hole. No one<br />

wants to make a travesty<br />

of the game.<br />

Designed for learning.<br />

Engineered for longevity.<br />

www.SchiaviLeasingCorp.com<br />

Rule 6.a.9 (k)<br />

There is no penalty for<br />

so-called "out of<br />

bounds." If pennypinching<br />

golf course<br />

owners bought sufficient<br />

land, this would<br />

not occur. The senior<br />

golfer deserves an<br />

apology, not a penalty.<br />

Rule 7.g.15 (z)<br />

There is no penalty for<br />

a ball in a water hazard,<br />

as golf balls<br />

should float. Senior<br />

golfers should not be<br />

penalized for manufacturers'<br />

shortcomings.<br />

Rule 8.k.9 (s)<br />

Advertisements claim<br />

that golf scores can be<br />

improved by purchasing<br />

new golf equipment.<br />

Since this is<br />

financially impracticable<br />

for many senior<br />

golfers, one-half stroke<br />

per hole may be subtracted<br />

for using old<br />

equipment.<br />

Please advise all your<br />

senior friends of these<br />

important rule<br />

changes.<br />

Do you ever have 10+ tabs open in your browser, and you can’t figure out which one the<br />

music is coming from?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

"The difference between me and the surrealists is that I am a surrealist." – Salvador Dali<br />

Would you like<br />

my autograph, too?<br />

Danielle Waugh<br />

NECN<br />

Deb & Ed Cotton<br />

I see<br />

a few Perps<br />

we may have<br />

to frisk for<br />

Be sure tips!<br />

to tip your<br />

waiters!<br />

Joe Philippon &<br />

Patrick Griffin<br />

Lewiston Police Officers<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

8<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I like your approach, now let's see your departure.


Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.<br />

Helping Maine Families Since 2007<br />

With Affordable Insurance<br />

• Group Benefits<br />

• Health<br />

• Dental<br />

• Vision<br />

• Disability<br />

• Medicare<br />

207-577-3052<br />

Health.In.Maine@gmail.com<br />

Call for Your<br />

FREE<br />

Consultation<br />

Anthony D’Andrea<br />

Licensed Agent<br />

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?<br />

Commercial, Residential & Industrial<br />

Plumbing & Heating Specialists<br />

The Broken<br />

Lawn Mower<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

When our lawn mower<br />

broke and wouldn't<br />

run, my wife kept hinting<br />

to me that I should<br />

get it fixed. But, somehow<br />

I always had<br />

something else to take<br />

care of first, the truck,<br />

the car, playing golf,<br />

Always something<br />

more important to me.<br />

Finally she thought of<br />

a clever way to make<br />

her point. When I arrived<br />

home one day, I<br />

found her seated in<br />

the tall grass, busily<br />

snipping away with a<br />

tiny pair of sewing<br />

scissors.<br />

I watched silently for a<br />

short time and then<br />

went into the house.<br />

I was gone only a<br />

minute, and when I<br />

came out again I<br />

handed her a<br />

toothbrush.<br />

I said, “When you finish<br />

cutting the grass,<br />

you might as well<br />

sweep the driveway.”<br />

The doctors say I will<br />

walk again, but I will<br />

always have a limp.<br />

Plumbing<br />

Heating<br />

Oil • Gas<br />

Residential • Commercial<br />

24 hour Emergency Service<br />

207-754-4556<br />

unitedpipingandwelding.com<br />

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 9


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

This place<br />

is on fire! Oh no,<br />

that’s just me!!<br />

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.<br />

LA BIKE NIGHT<br />

Saturday <strong>May</strong> 7th 6-10pm Live Music & Bar<br />

Outside on Our Patio<br />

Line the<br />

street for our<br />

Motorcycle Charity<br />

Event. Sponsored by<br />

Black Bears<br />

MC Maine<br />

Saturday Nights<br />

Live Music<br />

<strong>May</strong> 14th Jeffrey Kilton<br />

<strong>May</strong>28th Kristen Stearns<br />

<strong>May</strong> 28th Brian Patricks<br />

49 Spring Street, Auburn • 207-784-2300<br />

Hours: Mon, Tues, Wed. 7am - 4pm; Thurs & Fri 7am - 9pm; Sat 8am - 9pm<br />

Flamin' Raymin<br />

Hannah Johnson<br />

SAPARS<br />

HELP US HELP THE COMMUNITY!<br />

Goal: Contribute $10,000 to local<br />

charities in <strong>2016</strong>!<br />

With every home sale, a contribution will be sent to 1 of 5 local charities in honor of our clients.<br />

Together we can make a difference!<br />

Molly Nelson<br />

SAPARS<br />

Marnie DuBois<br />

207-344-3230<br />

195 Center St, Auburn • DuBoisRealtyGroup.net<br />

Brian DuBois<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

10<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.


at NEXT Level we know<br />

YOU TOO<br />

can become<br />

GREAT<br />

“together- we can make any business better”<br />

Kurk<br />

NEXTLevelBusinessCoaching.biz


Pilot<br />

Confessions<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Glass Dolphin: clarity of porpoise.<br />

A plane was taking off<br />

from Kennedy Airport.<br />

After it reached a comfortable<br />

cruising altitude,<br />

the captain made<br />

an announcement<br />

over the intercom,<br />

“Ladies and gentlemen,<br />

this is your captain<br />

speaking.<br />

Welcome to Flight<br />

Number 293, nonstop<br />

from New York to Los<br />

Angeles. The weather<br />

ahead is good and<br />

therefore we should<br />

have a smooth and<br />

uneventful flight. Now<br />

sit back and relax –<br />

OH MY GOD!” Then<br />

silence.<br />

Then, the captain<br />

came back on the intercom<br />

and said,<br />

“Ladies and Gentlemen,<br />

I am so sorry if I<br />

scared you earlier, but<br />

while I was talking, the<br />

flight-attendant<br />

brought me a cup of<br />

coffee and spilled the<br />

hot coffee in my lap.<br />

You should see the<br />

front of my pants!”<br />

A passenger in Coach<br />

says, “He should see<br />

the back of mine!”<br />

GET YOUR:<br />

Annuals<br />

Vegetable Plants<br />

Hanging Baskets<br />

Window Box Plants<br />

Mother’s Day Gifts<br />

Gift Cards<br />

I can handle pain until it hurts.<br />

MAY FLOWERS<br />

Opening Mother’s Day weekend!<br />

Join us Saturday & Sunday, <strong>May</strong> 7th & 8th<br />

Live music on Saturday!<br />

Plus lots of local<br />

Artisan products!<br />

826 Summer St, Auburn<br />

Open 7 days a week 10:00 - 5:30<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

12<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!


Thomas to Jimbo: They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

Jaime Ricker,<br />

SAPARS SART Coordinator<br />

Let’s get ready to<br />

R U M B L E !<br />

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.<br />

• Walkways<br />

• Patios<br />

• Driveways<br />

Jeff Peterson<br />

WGME<br />

• Landscaping<br />

• Property<br />

Maintenance<br />

207-577-8756 CarrierLandscape.com<br />

The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.<br />

Katie Thompson<br />

WMTW<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13


Bedside<br />

Manner<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A man was seen fleeing<br />

down the hall of the<br />

hospital just before his<br />

operation.<br />

If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.<br />

10,000 Sq. ft. of Retail Space<br />

all under one roof!<br />

Only 25 minutes from Auburn & Gray<br />

Guns, Guitars, Power Tools, TV’s,<br />

Air Conditioners, and so much MORE!<br />

"What's the matter?"<br />

he was asked.<br />

He said, "I heard the<br />

nurse say, 'It's a very<br />

simple operation, don't<br />

worry, I'm sure it will be<br />

alright.'"<br />

"She was just trying to<br />

comfort you, what's so<br />

frightening about that?"<br />

"She wasn't talking to<br />

me. She was talking to<br />

the doctor."<br />

1190 Main Street, Oxford<br />

207-743-0709 or<br />

Toll free: 1-877-743-0709<br />

Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm<br />

I wish the dollar store sold gas.<br />

Federal<br />

Firearms<br />

Dealer<br />

Gun Background Checks/Transfers<br />

Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.<br />

LOUIE FROM BROOKLYN<br />

reads about his family in Maine<br />

Dear <strong>Uncle</strong> <strong>Andy's</strong> <strong>Digest</strong>,<br />

I grew up in Auburn and my mom sent me the April edition of<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> because she, my dad and my sister were in it.<br />

Here is Louie Mahon from Brooklyn, NY, checking out his Mémére<br />

and Grandpop in the April Issue. Hope you can include the photo<br />

in the next one.<br />

– Thanks, Brian Mahon & Claire Cuno (Bates '03)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

14<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.


Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?<br />

HOME OF THE 2 YEAR WARRANTY ON ALL PARTS & LABOR!<br />

We can make your vehicle<br />

GROOVY again!<br />

Swim<br />

Around<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Two frogs fell into a<br />

deep cream bowl. One<br />

was an optimistic soul.<br />

But the other took the<br />

gloomy view.<br />

Costume furnished by Drapeau’s,<br />

Lisbon, Maine<br />

Mike<br />

Smith,<br />

Owner<br />

“We’ll drown,” he<br />

lamented without<br />

much ado, and with a<br />

last despairing cry, he<br />

flung up his legs and<br />

said “Goodbye.”<br />

23 Lisbon St, • Lisbon/Lewiston line • 207-353-6100 • theshopclassicrestorations.com<br />

Adult Case Management Services, Now Accepting Clients!<br />

OUR SERVICES:<br />

Case Management • Housing Resources<br />

Therapy • Wellness & Recover Center<br />

12 Bates St. Lewiston - 795-6710 • 100 Pine St. Lewiston - 795-6719<br />

PO Box 1319 Lewiston ME 04243-1319 • www.commonties.org<br />

AN EVENT TO REMEMBER!<br />

Give Your Guests Something Different to Remember Your Event By<br />

Quote the other frog<br />

with a steadfast grin,<br />

“I can’t get out but I<br />

won’t give in, I’ll just<br />

swim around till my<br />

strength is spent,<br />

then I’ll die the more<br />

content.”<br />

Bravely he swam to<br />

work his scheme,<br />

and his struggles<br />

began to churn the<br />

cream.<br />

The more he swam,<br />

his legs a flutter,<br />

the more the cream<br />

turned into butter.<br />

On top of the butter at<br />

last he stopped,<br />

and out of the bowl he<br />

gaily hopped.<br />

What is the moral? It’s<br />

easily found…<br />

If you can’t hop out,<br />

keep swimming<br />

around!<br />

207-619-2454<br />

GingersnapRentals.com<br />

• Indoors or Out<br />

• Great for Weddings,<br />

Parties, Reunions,<br />

Golf Tournaments<br />

& More!<br />

My phone has better health insurance than I do.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 15


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

Mirror mirror on the wall, why do all my selfies look dopey?<br />

We Offer Beard Grooming!<br />

Marcel’s<br />

$<br />

12<br />

Mens & Boys CUTS for<br />

All day – Every day! Walk-ins welcome.<br />

Flat Tops - Fades - Mohawks - Mens & Boys Regular Cuts - Waxing<br />

Kayce Hunton<br />

SAPARS<br />

54 Mill Street, New Auburn • 783-3444<br />

OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30am - 5:30pm; Sat 7:30am - 2pm<br />

HEAT & COOL! Ver y Cool!<br />

Ductless heat pumps are super quiet and efficient.<br />

$<br />

500 REBATE*<br />

from efficiency MAINE. *Call for details.<br />

Now Hiring<br />

HVAC/Refrigeration<br />

Tech<br />

Susan Koch<br />

SAPARS<br />

Service with<br />

a smile!<br />

Kristen Cloutier<br />

Lewiston City Council<br />

Since<br />

1954<br />

Rollodrome<br />

SCHEDULE<br />

Thursday Nights - Ages 20+ 7:30-10pm<br />

Friday Nights - All Skating 7:30 - 10:00<br />

Saturday & Sunday - 1:30 - 4pm<br />

Saturday Nights - Family Night 7:30 - 10pm<br />

Sunday Night - All SK8 • 7:30 - 10pm<br />

Where Good Skaters Meet<br />

CLOSED<br />

MOTHER’S<br />

DAY<br />

12 Riverside Drive, Auburn • 777-3940<br />

www.rollodrome.com<br />

137 Spring St., Auburn<br />

786-3246<br />

www.nadeausrefrigeration.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

16<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I said I was good at making decisions. I didn't say the decisions I made were good.


Making car payments is the lease of my worries.<br />

Life After<br />

Delivery<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

In a mother’s womb<br />

were two babies. One<br />

asked the other: “Do<br />

you believe in life after<br />

delivery?” The other<br />

replied, “Why, of<br />

course. There has to<br />

be something after delivery.<br />

<strong>May</strong>be we are<br />

here to prepare ourselves<br />

for what we will<br />

be later.”<br />

“Nonsense” said the<br />

first. “There is no life<br />

after delivery. What<br />

kind of life would that<br />

be?”<br />

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,<br />

"Quit while you're ahead"?<br />

The second said, “I<br />

don’t know, but there<br />

will be more light than<br />

here. <strong>May</strong>be we will<br />

walk with our legs and<br />

eat from our mouths.<br />

<strong>May</strong>be we will have<br />

other senses that we<br />

can’t understand now.”<br />

SUNDAY<br />

Baked Ziti<br />

$<br />

6.00<br />

THURSDAY<br />

Mini Pizza<br />

1 topping $<br />

2.99<br />

2 toppings $<br />

3.99<br />

Since 1953<br />

Open Daily 9am - 10pm<br />

MONDAY<br />

The Fergy<br />

sm $<br />

2.99<br />

lg $<br />

5.75<br />

LuiggisPizzeria.com<br />

TUESDAY<br />

Meatball Subs<br />

WEDNESDAY<br />

Spaghetti Dinners<br />

1 meatball, salad,<br />

sm $<br />

3.35 w/ch $ 3.99<br />

garlic bread, drink<br />

lg $<br />

6.50 w/ch $ 7.50 $<br />

5.99<br />

FRIDAY<br />

$1.00 OFF<br />

Any Large Pizza<br />

SATURDAY<br />

2 Ham or Salami<br />

Italians<br />

$<br />

7.99<br />

EVERY DAY: Regular Pizza with Drink $ 5.99<br />

The first replied, “That<br />

is absurd. Walking is<br />

impossible. And eating<br />

with our mouths?<br />

Ridiculous! The umbilical<br />

cord supplies nutrition<br />

and everything we<br />

need. But the umbilical<br />

cord is so short. Life<br />

after delivery is to be<br />

logically excluded.”<br />

The second insisted,<br />

“Well I think there is<br />

something and maybe<br />

it’s different than it is<br />

here. <strong>May</strong>be we won’t<br />

need this physical cord<br />

anymore.”<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17


(continued from previous page)<br />

The first replied, “Nonsense.<br />

And moreover<br />

if there is life, then why<br />

has no one has ever<br />

come back from<br />

there? Delivery is the<br />

end of life, and in the<br />

after-delivery there is<br />

nothing but darkness<br />

and silence and oblivion.<br />

It takes us<br />

nowhere.”<br />

“Well, I don’t know,”<br />

said the second, “but<br />

certainly we will meet<br />

Mother and she will<br />

take care of us.”<br />

The first replied<br />

“Mother? You actually<br />

believe in Mother?<br />

That’s laughable. If<br />

Mother exists then<br />

where is She now?”<br />

The second said, “She<br />

is all around us. We<br />

are surrounded by her.<br />

We are of Her. It is in<br />

Her that we live. Without<br />

Her this world<br />

would not and could<br />

not exist.”<br />

Said the first: “Well I<br />

don’t see Her, so it is<br />

only logical that She<br />

doesn’t exist.”<br />

To which the second<br />

replied, “Sometimes,<br />

when you’re in silence<br />

and you focus and you<br />

really listen, you can<br />

perceive Her presence,<br />

and you can<br />

hear Her loving voice,<br />

calling down from<br />

above.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

18<br />

(Parable written in<br />

Hungarian by Útmutató a<br />

Léleknek, translated by<br />

Miranda Linda Weisz)<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Just pretend the person in the mirror is your fatter clone.<br />

SET YOUR SAILS FOR TASTINESS<br />

Fresh Food • Fair Prices<br />

Weekly Specials<br />

“Best Seafood Restaurant”<br />

Ten years in a row.<br />

Award Winning Chowder<br />

Family Owned<br />

for 3 Generations<br />

Lounge • Dining Room • Private Function Rooms<br />

165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796<br />

Open Tuesday - Sunday • www.villageinnmaine.com<br />

Life is too complicated in the morning.<br />

BK Auto<br />

Full Service Garage • Quality Pre-owned Vehicles • New & Used Tires<br />

Complete Restorations • State Inspection Station • Pipe Bending • Custom Exhaust<br />

PRE-OWNED VEHICLES<br />

2000 Volvo S70........................................ $ 2,850<br />

2002 Ford Taurus ..................................... $ 2,950<br />

2000 Chevy K1500 w/ plow .................... $ 7,950<br />

REDUCED<br />

2004 Chevy Impala .................................. $ 2,850<br />

2000 Cadillac Deville............................... $ 3,950<br />

Outdoor Patio<br />

Opening Soon!<br />

~ MAY SPECIALS ~<br />

Transmission<br />

Flush $ 149<br />

Most passenger cars & mid size<br />

trucks. includes filter & up to<br />

9 quarts of fluid<br />

Oil Change<br />

only $ 19.99<br />

Includes filter and up to<br />

5 quarts of oil<br />

2290 Hallowell Road, Litchfield • 207-268-2163 • capt1022@yahoo.com<br />

“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe<br />

together.” – Carl Zwanzig


785 Main St. Lewiston<br />

(just past Marden’s on the right)<br />

Plenty of parking!<br />

Smart phone? Not the way I use it.<br />

Outdoor Artisan Market Event<br />

Saturday <strong>May</strong> 7th 10am - 4pm<br />

Featuring<br />

Hand-painted Bohemian<br />

Whimsy Jewelry, Steph’s<br />

Cookies & many more!<br />

*Indoors if inclement weather<br />

Remember Mom<br />

on Mother’s Day!<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

Hours: Tues. Wed. Fri. 10am-5pm<br />

Thurs. 2pm-7pm Sat. 11am-4pm<br />

See us on Facebook FMI for more Artisan’s Markets, Leggings Events & More!<br />

Larry & Bonnie<br />

Pelletier<br />

1472 Lisbon St.<br />

Lewiston<br />

Happy Hour<br />

In Our Lounge<br />

Mon. - Thurs.<br />

3-5pm<br />

207-376-3870 • chickadeelewiston.com<br />

LOBSTER ROLLS<br />

LOBSTER SUBS<br />

FISH CHOWDER - CLAM CHOWDER - LOBSTER STEW<br />

BAKED, BROILED OR FRIED SEAFOOD PLATTERS<br />

Join Us Mother’s Day - <strong>May</strong> 8 th<br />

Reservations for parties of 5 or more<br />

Nice job,<br />

Tracy Draper.<br />

Your pics rock!<br />

Leroy & Beverly<br />

Walker<br />

Enjoying.<br />

Every.<br />

Minute!<br />

Lisa Ellis &<br />

Trevis Knapp<br />

Key Bank<br />

Global warming is caused by people being uncool.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 19


10 Business<br />

Rules<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

1. A pat on the back is<br />

only a few inches<br />

from a kick in the<br />

butt.<br />

Gravity always gets me down.<br />

JOIN US FOR OUR<br />

2. Don’t be irreplaceable,<br />

if you can’t be<br />

replaced, you can’t<br />

be promoted.<br />

3. The more crap you<br />

put up with, the<br />

more crap you are<br />

going to get.<br />

4. When the bosses<br />

talk about improving<br />

productivity, they<br />

are never talking<br />

about themselves.<br />

Saturday,<br />

<strong>May</strong> 21st<br />

9:00am - 3:00pm<br />

5. If at first you don’t<br />

succeed, try again.<br />

Then quit. No use<br />

being a fool about it.<br />

6. Everything can be<br />

filed under<br />

“miscellaneous.”<br />

7. Never delay the<br />

ending of a meeting<br />

or the beginning of<br />

a cocktail hour.<br />

8. Anyone can do any<br />

amount of work provided<br />

it isn’t the<br />

work he/she is supposed<br />

to be doing.<br />

9. If you are good, you<br />

will be assigned all<br />

the work. If you are<br />

really good, you will<br />

get out of it.<br />

10. No matter how<br />

much you do, you<br />

never do enough.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

20<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

NEW<br />

at Dad’s<br />

50ml<br />

NIPS<br />

There’s NO PLACE like...<br />

Dad’s<br />

23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls<br />

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up<br />

just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.


A round-trip plane ticket: Boy, that really takes me back.<br />

COME CHECK OUT OUR<br />

NEWLY REMODELED STORE!<br />

• Raffles<br />

• Door Prizes<br />

• Food Specials<br />

• Giveaways<br />

• 20% on Redemp<br />

No coupon necessary on 5.21<br />

FULL SERVICE GAS<br />

Just like the old days!<br />

Sit in our brand new<br />

dining area!<br />

(9am - 3pm on Saturday,<br />

<strong>May</strong> 21st only)<br />

NEW at Dad’s<br />

Dad’s Place before the<br />

expansion<br />

Dad’s Walk-in Beer Cave!<br />

Ice cold & waiting for you.<br />

Place<br />

207-345-5551 • DadsPlace.info<br />

Why would they hang a whole jury just because they couldn't make up their minds?<br />

Best Beer<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

After the Great Britain<br />

Beer Festival, in London,<br />

some of the<br />

brewery presidents<br />

decided to go out for a<br />

beer.<br />

The guy from Corona<br />

sits down and says,<br />

“Hey Señor, I would<br />

like the world’s best<br />

beer, a Corona.”<br />

The bartender dusts<br />

off a bottle from the<br />

shelf and gives it to<br />

him.<br />

The guy from Budweiser<br />

says, “I’d like<br />

the best beer in the<br />

world, give me ‘The<br />

King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.”<br />

The bartender<br />

gives him one.<br />

The guy from Coors<br />

says, “I’d like the only<br />

beer made with Rocky<br />

Mountain spring water,<br />

give me a Coors.” He<br />

gets it.<br />

The guy from<br />

Guinness sits down<br />

and says, “Give me<br />

a Coke.”<br />

The bartender is a little<br />

taken aback, but gives<br />

him what he ordered.<br />

The other brewery<br />

presidents look over at<br />

him and ask “Why<br />

aren’t you drinking a<br />

Guinness?” and the<br />

Guinness president<br />

replies, “Well, I figured<br />

if you guys aren’t<br />

drinking beer, neither<br />

would I.”<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

I'm not ignoring you, I'm being mysterious.<br />

Lisa Olmstead &<br />

Dee Chapman<br />

Thank you<br />

to everyone who<br />

attended and made our<br />

16th annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner a huge<br />

success!<br />

Marty McIntyre,<br />

Executive Director<br />

SAPARS<br />

Matt Howe &<br />

Jane Mackey<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

22<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance<br />

to my house.


Congratulations! Your software finally irritated me into upgrading it.<br />

Listen to Kevin on the<br />

Finance Safari Radio Show!<br />

Saturday mornings 7-8am<br />

on WVOM 101.3<br />

Crash<br />

Landing<br />

Submitted by<br />

Jimmy Benson<br />

Abe and Esther are flying<br />

to Australia for a<br />

two-week vacation to<br />

celebrate their 50th<br />

anniversary.<br />

Suddenly, over the public<br />

address system, the<br />

Captain announces,<br />

"Ladies and Gentlemen,<br />

I'm afraid I have some<br />

very bad news. Our engines<br />

have ceased functioning<br />

and we will<br />

attempt an emergency<br />

landing.<br />

Frisbie & Associates<br />

can help you understand<br />

how the new Budget Act<br />

will impact your filing<br />

strategies and options.<br />

Luckily, I see an uncharted<br />

island below us<br />

and we should be able<br />

to land on the beach.<br />

However, the odds are<br />

that we may never be<br />

rescued and will have to<br />

live on the island for the<br />

rest of our lives!"<br />

Thanks to the skill of the<br />

flight crew, the plane<br />

lands safely on the<br />

island.<br />

An hour later Abe turns<br />

to his wife and asks,<br />

"Esther, did we pay our<br />

VISA and MasterCard<br />

bills yet?"<br />

"No, sweetheart," she<br />

responds.<br />

Abe, still shaken from<br />

the crash landing, then<br />

asks, "Esther, did we<br />

pay our American Express<br />

card yet?"<br />

656 MAIN STREET, LEWISTON<br />

FRISBIEBENEFITS.COM<br />

Investment advisory services are offered through Foundations Investment Advisors, LLC and is a SEC registered advisor.<br />

I put my shoes on before my pants to remind myself life ain't easy.<br />

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot<br />

to send the check,"<br />

she says.<br />

"One last thing Esther.<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 23


(continued from previous page)<br />

Did you remember to<br />

send the estimate check<br />

to the IRS this quarter?"<br />

he asks.<br />

Turns out I’m not an afternoon person, either.<br />

"Oh, forgive me, Abe,"<br />

begged Esther. "I didn't<br />

send that one, either."<br />

Abe grabs her and gives<br />

her the biggest kiss in<br />

40 years. Esther pulls<br />

away and asks him,<br />

"What was that for?"<br />

Abe answers, "They'll<br />

find us!"<br />

Guerrilla<br />

Marketing<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A grocer put up a sign<br />

that read "Eggplants,<br />

25¢ each - three for a<br />

dollar."<br />

All day long, customers<br />

came in exclaiming:<br />

"Don't be ridiculous! I<br />

should get four for a<br />

dollar!"<br />

Meekly the grocer capitulated<br />

and packaged<br />

four eggplants. The tailor<br />

next door had been<br />

watching these antics<br />

and finally asked the<br />

grocer, "Aren't you<br />

going to fix the mistake<br />

on your sign?"<br />

"What mistake?" the<br />

grocer asked. "Before I<br />

put up that sign no one<br />

ever bought more than<br />

one eggplant."<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

24<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

It's been Monday all week.


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

Join Us!<br />

It's bad luck to be superstitious.<br />

Glow Bowling & Laser Light Show<br />

Mike Berube<br />

& Kurt Ellis<br />

Glow Bowling Every Friday & Saturday<br />

9:30-Midnight - $ 15pp<br />

10 Pin, Candlepin & a whole lot of fun!<br />

24 Mollison Way, Lewiston • 207-786-2695 • SparetimeRec.com<br />

VISIT OUR NEW WEBSITE<br />

COASTALTSHIRTS.COM<br />

THINK SPRING!<br />

Baseball • Softball • Lacrosse • Track • Landscapers • Contractors<br />

Rhonda Webber<br />

CLT & La Cage<br />

Boy!!<br />

Mad skills is<br />

hard work!*<br />

• Screen Printing<br />

• Embroidery<br />

• Promotional Products<br />

205 Washington Street South, Auburn • 207-784-4184 • coastaltshirts.com<br />

Sabrina Best<br />

Auburn Rec. Dept.<br />

*Sabrina showed everyone<br />

her insane basketball dribbling<br />

skills.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

26<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

The American Legion<br />

FAMILY<br />

OPEN<br />

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 1pm - close<br />

Thursday, Friday, Saturday noon to close<br />

Sunday noon to close<br />

Hall Rentals Available<br />

Call for more information<br />

207-782-1118<br />

William J. Rogers Post 153<br />

71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118<br />

Activities - Members & Guests Welcome<br />

CHECK OUT - HAPPY HOUR FRIDAYS<br />

Free Appetizers & Drink Specials<br />

BREAKFAST BUFFET<br />

Sunday <strong>May</strong> 15, 8-10am Adults $7 Children $4<br />

Profits Benefit Auburn Middle School Odyssey of the Mind Team<br />

CHICKEN BBQ DINNER<br />

Saturday <strong>May</strong> 21 - Adults $8 Children $4<br />

LIVE MUSIC <strong>May</strong> 20 - Dum Bum & <strong>May</strong> 21 - 4Play<br />

KARAOKE W/ JEAN LOUIS Fri. & Sat. evenings 7-11pm<br />

Except <strong>May</strong> 20th & 21st<br />

I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and<br />

demand benefits.


I've tweeted over 70 thousand times. Now I'm wishing they'd all been sit-ups.<br />

Try Us Once, You’ll Be a Regular!<br />

Daily Specials<br />

Monday: Ham Italian ...................sm. $1.59 lg. $2.59<br />

Tuesday: 10” 1-topping Pizza ............................$3.99<br />

Wednesday: Chicken Salad ..........................sm. $1.99<br />

........................................................................lg. $3.49<br />

Thursday: Bowl of Chili......................................$3.99<br />

BLT .............................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49<br />

Friday: Tuna Italian ......................sm. $1.99 lg. $3.49<br />

Saturday: Baked Beans ................qt. $3.59 pt. $2.59<br />

Sunday: .................................$2.00 off any large pizza<br />

SABATTUS<br />

MAIN STREET MARKET<br />

2 Main Street, Sabattus<br />

375-8502<br />

OPEN 7 Days 6am - 8pm<br />

Come see my<br />

Dad for some of<br />

the best food<br />

around!<br />

2 LARGE<br />

1-TOPPING PIZZAS $<br />

15.99<br />

ONLY<br />

Expires 5.31.16<br />

I was in the store and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said,<br />

''Are you two an item?<br />

Big Kid<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Dear Mrs. Rucker,<br />

Over the past few<br />

months, your husband,<br />

Mr. Timothy Rucker has<br />

been causing quite a<br />

commotion in our store.<br />

We cannot tolerate this<br />

type of behavior and have<br />

considered banning your<br />

entire family from shopping<br />

in our store.<br />

We have documented all<br />

incidents on our video<br />

surveillance equipment.<br />

Three of our workers are<br />

attending counselling<br />

from the trouble your husband<br />

has caused. All<br />

complaints against Mr.<br />

Rucker have been compiled<br />

and are listed<br />

below:<br />

Complaints - Things<br />

Mr. Timothy Rucker<br />

has done while his<br />

wife was shopping in<br />

our store:<br />

January 22: Took 18<br />

boxes of condoms and<br />

randomly put them in<br />

people's carts when<br />

they weren't looking.<br />

February 4: Set all the<br />

alarm clocks in household<br />

department to go<br />

off at 5 minute<br />

intervals.<br />

March 9: Made a trail<br />

of tomato ketchup on<br />

the floor leading to the<br />

toilets.<br />

March 21: Walked up<br />

to an employee and<br />

told her in an official<br />

tone, 'Code 5' in fruit<br />

and veg..... and then<br />

watched what<br />

happened.<br />

(continued on page 29)<br />

My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 27


Chopsticks<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.<br />

Luke and Obi-Wan are<br />

in a Chinese restaurant<br />

having a meal. Skillfully<br />

using his chopsticks,<br />

Obi-Wan deftly dishes<br />

himself a large portion<br />

of noodles into his<br />

bowl, then tops it off<br />

with some chicken and<br />

cashew nuts. All this is<br />

done with the consummate<br />

ease you'd expect<br />

from a Jedi<br />

Master.<br />

Poor old Luke is having<br />

a nightmare, using his<br />

chopsticks in both<br />

hands, dropping his<br />

food all over the table<br />

and eventually himself.<br />

Obi-Wan looks at Luke<br />

disapprovingly and<br />

says, "Use the<br />

FORKS, Luke."<br />

I'm changing the wifi password until everyone puts their laundry away.<br />

NEW AUBURN SOCIAL CLUB<br />

7 SECOND ST. AUBURN • 207-782-9039<br />

Benefit for Aubrey<br />

MAY 7 TH - Dinner & Live Music<br />

Spaghetti Dinner 5-7pm - $5.00<br />

DumBum Band 8-12<br />

“Camp No Limits” aims to optimize the functional independence<br />

of children living with limb loss, and provides support for the<br />

children, parents, siblings and other family members. Let’s help<br />

send AUBREY and her family to camp. Our goal here at New<br />

Auburn is to raise $2,000 to send AUBREY and her 3 family<br />

members to camp.<br />

RAFFLES ~ 50/50<br />

NO SMOKING 3PM - MIDNIGHT<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

28<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My wife and I have been keeping an eye on our spending. From what we can see,<br />

we’re very, very good at it.


My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else. One arm at a time.<br />

One Call Does It All!<br />

(continued from page 27)<br />

April 14: Moved a<br />

'CAUTION - WET<br />

FLOOR' sign to a carpeted<br />

area.<br />

April 17: Set up a tent<br />

in the camping department<br />

and told other<br />

shoppers he'd invite<br />

them in for a cup of tea<br />

if they would bring pillows<br />

from the bedding<br />

department.<br />

April 29: When a shelf<br />

stacker asks if they can<br />

help him, he begins to<br />

cry and demands,<br />

'Why can't you people<br />

just leave me alone?'<br />

<strong>May</strong> 3: Looked right<br />

into the security<br />

camera; used it as a<br />

mirror, and picked his<br />

nose in a disgusting<br />

fashion.<br />

I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.<br />

We Offer a Complete Line of Outdoor Furniture<br />

by Poly Wood<br />

<strong>May</strong> 18: Hid in a clothing<br />

rack and when<br />

people browsed, yelled<br />

'Pick me! Pick me!'<br />

<strong>May</strong> 23: When an announcement<br />

came<br />

over the loud speaker,<br />

he assumes the fetal<br />

position and screams,<br />

'NO! NO! It's those<br />

voices again!' And;<br />

last, but not least:<br />

<strong>May</strong> 28: Went into a fitting<br />

room in the clothing<br />

department, shut<br />

the door and waited<br />

awhile; then, yelled,<br />

very loudly, 'There is<br />

no toilet paper in here!'<br />

www.abcpool.com • 207-783-0858 • 800-244-0858 • 1975 Lisbon Rd. Lewiston<br />

He's street smart. Sesame Street smart.<br />

We are not sure if<br />

its possible to get the<br />

big kid out of Mr.<br />

Rucker. But we must<br />

keep our eye on him.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29


CALL THE PROS<br />

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Join us for some Affordable FUN!<br />

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Sunday at 6:00PM<br />

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Average Loss Month One: 17.5 lbs<br />

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LaBonte Financial Services, Inc.<br />

Tax Preparation<br />

& Planning<br />

Bert LaBonte, CPA, MBA, MST<br />

155 Center Street, Auburn<br />

782-9500 • bglcpa@aol.com<br />

Call<br />

for FREE<br />

Estimate!<br />

Unique Gifts &<br />

Household Must-Haves!<br />

Primitives & Antiques<br />

Vintage & Estate Jewelry<br />

Antique & 2nd Hand Furniture<br />

Frames & Mirrors<br />

Pin-Ups, Classic &<br />

Contemporary Art<br />

Maps, Signage, Americana<br />

& Militaria<br />

Items to Repurpose, Recycle &<br />

Upcycle!<br />

TIME FOR SPRING CLEANING!<br />

EMERGENCY RESPONSE<br />

• Water Damage<br />

• Fire/Soot/Smoke Damage<br />

• Mold Remediation<br />

• Sewage<br />

Kara<br />

ServiceMaster Fire & Water Restoration<br />

29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn<br />

207-539-4452<br />

smfireandwater.com • smcarpetcleaning.com<br />

CLEANING SERVICES<br />

• Carpets - Commercial & Residential<br />

• Hard Surface Floors<br />

• Tile and Grout<br />

• Post Construction Cleaning<br />

Jeff<br />

DAD’S PLACE<br />

REDEMPTION<br />

23 Pleasant St, Mechanic Falls • 345-5551<br />

Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />

Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />

(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)<br />

6¢<br />

on all 5¢ returns<br />

with this coupon.<br />

(Must present coupon at<br />

Redemp prior to counting)<br />

UAD expires 5.31.16<br />

Grizzlies are emerging from hibernation, so hiking in groups of 3 is recommended. Also not being the slowest helps.


CALL THE PROS<br />

Pot Holes Got You Down?<br />

We Can Help!<br />

25 Fern Street, Turner 207-225-5012<br />

2 & 4 Wheel<br />

Alignments<br />

Complete<br />

Front End Work<br />

Call Us Today!<br />

Walk-ins Welcome<br />

Color • Highlights • Perms • Razor Cuts<br />

• Flat Tops • Fades • Regular Cuts<br />

Senior Citizens Welcome<br />

207-784-2545<br />

26 Nickerson Ave, Auburn<br />

(behind Great Falls Credit Union)<br />

Booth Rentals<br />

Available<br />

Connie<br />

Norton<br />

Buying or Selling?<br />

I’d love to earn your business!<br />

Kristi Norcross<br />

Northeast Real Estate<br />

Office 784-0159 • Cell 577-6408<br />

knorcross@roadrunner.com<br />

www.bhhsnere.com<br />

Lowest prices on internal inspections<br />

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Quality<br />

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since 1989<br />

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207-786-4414<br />

www.straightlineroof.com<br />

Rachel Larrivee Massage Therapy<br />

Also offering on-site<br />

services for the<br />

workplace & home<br />

183 Main Street, Lewiston<br />

754.7707 • LewistonMassage.com<br />

"Introducing 'lite' - the new way to spell 'light', but with 20% fewer letters." – Jerry Seinfeld


Out ’n About at the<br />

NinthTone Voice<br />

Studio Recital<br />

It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.<br />

Anaya Egge<br />

Leanna Ward<br />

What a<br />

great day<br />

for a recital!<br />

40 East Ave. Lewiston Next to Sea40 Hours: Mon-Thurs. 11a-9p;<br />

Fri. 11a-11p; Sat. 10a-11p<br />

Sun. 10a-9p<br />

207-783-3888<br />

Visit Our Website for<br />

Hop & Hibachi<br />

Birthday Party Options<br />

AERO FITNESS<br />

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Every Wed. &<br />

Thurs. at 5:30pm<br />

Limited to 12 people<br />

$12/class<br />

Call Aero Air Park<br />

to Reserve Your<br />

Space Today!<br />

#aeroairpark<br />

www.aeroairpark.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

32<br />

Mark Howard<br />

Pianist<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Fun For All<br />

Ages!<br />

Parties & Groups<br />

Welcome<br />

Buy One Get<br />

One 1/2 OFF!<br />

Mon. - Thurs. only<br />

not to be combined with<br />

✃<br />

any other offer<br />

expires 5/31/16<br />

Just bought a universal remote control. This changes everything.


There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

NinthTone Voice<br />

Studio Recital<br />

Myolene Gelinas<br />

When the student<br />

is ready, the<br />

teacher will appear.<br />

Rebeckah Leonard<br />

& Maxwell Draper<br />

I may have just<br />

recruited the next<br />

member of the Woman’s<br />

Literary Union!<br />

Tizz Crowley<br />

I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite & it's straight to the ER for me.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33


L/<br />

A t<br />

Good news from around Lew<br />

Hey L/A, keep watching (and reading) every month for more great stuff like what you’re about<br />

to read... We’re sure you’ll find it heartwarming and amazing.<br />

We’ll be on the look out for more local heroes, so if you know of one PLEASE let us know!<br />

OFF TO<br />

THE RACES<br />

Written by Melissa Donahue<br />

Kayla Allen described her experience at<br />

this year’s World Race Walking Cup Trials in<br />

St. Louis, Missouri, as “unbelievable.” Allen<br />

won third place, earning herself a highly coveted<br />

spot on the USA Junior Women’s Team for<br />

the upcoming IAFF World Race Walk Team<br />

Championships. At the age of seventeen, the<br />

Lewiston High School junior is the youngest<br />

member of Team USA.<br />

Now a three-time All-American and a<br />

two-time Class A state champion, Kayla began<br />

race walking in middle school. It wasn’t until<br />

she enrolled in the Auburn recreational summer<br />

track program—where she met Coach<br />

Tom Menendez—that her passion for the sport<br />

really came to life. Coach Menendez quickly<br />

recognized Kayla’s strong ambitions and<br />

encouraged her to pursue race walking<br />

beyond the realm of school sports.<br />

Always a team player,<br />

it is important to Kayla to<br />

do Team USA proud.<br />

“<br />

"<br />

Kayla dedicated herself to practicing and<br />

improving upon her skills throughout the winter<br />

under the tutelage of Menendez. Said<br />

Menendez of the St. Louis trials, “We went into<br />

it positively convinced that we were going to<br />

do our best.” Kayla knew she was fighting an<br />

uphill battle, as she entered the trials ranked<br />

fifth in her division with only the top three<br />

contenders heading to the world championships.<br />

The battle was won when she finished<br />

the 10K race well within the 53:15 time<br />

requirement, pacing an impressive 8:27 per<br />

mile and breaking her own personal best<br />

record. She also currently holds the Maine<br />

record in the Indoor 3000K at 14:37.4, and Indoor<br />

1500 at 7:00.08.<br />

As she prepares for the trip of a lifetime to<br />

Rome, Italy, for the championships, Kayla is<br />

filled with excitement and gratitude for the opportunity<br />

to compete with some of the world’s<br />

best athletes in track and field. She feels fortunate<br />

to be joined by her mentor, Coach Menendez,<br />

who was selected to be the assistant coach<br />

for Team USA. Going into the championships,<br />

Kayla’s main goal is to improve upon her race<br />

time. Always a team player, it is important to<br />

Kayla to do Team USA proud. Ultimately, she<br />

hopes to qualify for the 20K Olympic Trials in<br />

2020.<br />

The championship event takes place just<br />

outside the ancient Circo Massimo, a location<br />

famous for its historic chariot races. Rome’s<br />

Arch de Constantine, the largest surviving<br />

Roman triumphal arch, and the infamous<br />

Colosseum, Rome’s first permanent amphitheater,<br />

can be seen from the starting point of the<br />

race. All along the course, athletes will have a<br />

view of the Terme di Caracalla (Baths of Caracalla),<br />

once the second largest Roman public<br />

baths and presently the summer home of<br />

Rome’s opera company.<br />

As a junior competitor, Kayla will kick off<br />

the championship event with her team on the<br />

morning of Saturday, <strong>May</strong> 7, <strong>2016</strong>. Over 650<br />

junior and senior athletes from over 80 different<br />

countries are expected to compete, with<br />

approximately 200 participating in the junior<br />

race. The USA Track and Field Race Walk<br />

Committee has provided further incentives for<br />

U.S. athletes including recognition for new<br />

“personal best” race times and awards for the<br />

first American athletes to cross the finish line<br />

in each event as well as for competitors who<br />

set new national and regional records. n<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

34<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Please continue to hold. All of our customer service representatives are busy frustrating<br />

other customers.


oday<br />

iston Auburn and Beyond!<br />

Photo courtesy of Colby Michaud, Praxis Production Studios<br />

LEWISTON BLUE DEVILS<br />

AWARDS BANQUET CAPS OFF<br />

STELLAR SEASON<br />

Interview by Ginger Leigh Smith<br />

Legacy, big shoes to fill, history, tradition,<br />

destiny…all things Lysa Laverdiere must have<br />

had in mind when taking over as the head coach<br />

of the Lewiston High School Blue Devil Cheerleaders.<br />

Already a highly successful squad with<br />

a number of state titles in its trophy case, she<br />

probably also thought, “How the heck do I top<br />

THAT?!”<br />

Well, you top that with one more accomplishment<br />

this perennial powerhouse had never<br />

achieved prior to this year – going undefeated!<br />

The Blue Devils wrapped up their 2015-16 season<br />

with another state and New England title<br />

and won every other competition along the way.<br />

“<br />

We were blessed with leaders<br />

and upperclassmen who had<br />

tunnel vision and eager underclassmen<br />

who were willing to<br />

do whatever it took to get<br />

there.<br />

"<br />

I recently sat down with the Coach<br />

Laverdiere to get her reflections on this noteworthy<br />

achievement, the season overall and her<br />

plans for next year.<br />

Ginger: “Ok Coach, as a former coach myself,<br />

I know you go into a season with hopes and a<br />

plan. So what WERE yours going in and now,<br />

being on the other side, how do you feel about it<br />

and how DO you top that?”<br />

Coach Lysa: “I set out to do what we did<br />

which was to be undefeated. We were blessed<br />

with leaders and upperclassmen who had tunnel<br />

vision and eager underclassmen who were<br />

willing to do whatever it took to get there. And<br />

we will top that next year by continuing to raise<br />

the bar at the State & New England competitions<br />

by increasing our difficulty and<br />

performance level.”<br />

Lysa Laverdiere, came up through the<br />

cheering ranks herself having previously<br />

coached at the middle school and working as an<br />

assistant for the high school team.<br />

I asked how her squad was able to sustain<br />

such difficulty in performances and create so<br />

much depth on their bench. She related to me<br />

that there are a lot of opportunities for the athletes<br />

to begin cheering at a very young age here<br />

in the L/A community, so that when they do<br />

come up through the ranks, many are already<br />

highly skilled with lots of raw talent. Lysa also<br />

added that these kids also possess an incredible<br />

work ethic, as well as a lot of determination and<br />

motivation which sets them apart from their<br />

peers.<br />

“They see success and then they aspire to<br />

it,” explained Coach Laverdiere. “When they<br />

get to us, we are able to take potential and mold<br />

it into picture-perfect athletes, but it takes a lot<br />

of dedication and they work very hard.”<br />

Ginger: “Did you have a strategy & new ideas<br />

or did you kind of take an “If it ain’t broke, don’t<br />

fix it” approach?”<br />

Coach Lysa: “Both. The Lewiston Cheer tradition<br />

is very successful, however, we have to<br />

change it up every year. Each team has a different<br />

dynamic and I’m also a coach to 22 different<br />

kids who have their own goals and needs, and<br />

this year, I think we nailed it.”<br />

Ginger: “How do you plan for next year with<br />

a third of your squad graduating?”<br />

Coach Lysa: “Well, we start over every year.<br />

It begins in summer camp and then we go<br />

through the Fall season where they may cheer<br />

for football and soccer and then in November,<br />

Photo courtesy of Memorable Moments<br />

we start preparing for competition season. We<br />

meet them at the level they’re at and build from<br />

there. We’ve got amazing athletes returning<br />

and very promising ones coming up and a great<br />

program at the middle school, so I’m not<br />

worried.”<br />

Ginger: “If you could tell your team something<br />

you haven’t yet, what would it be?”<br />

Coach Lysa: “Well, I have told them how<br />

proud I am of them but really, you can’t say it<br />

enough. They overcame so much throughout the<br />

season including injuries, and they accomplished<br />

so much. Since I came in mid-season, I<br />

really wish I would have had more time with the<br />

seniors. You make the connection and then poof<br />

– it’s over. What I can say about this team is<br />

that there was not one day that I left practice<br />

and ever felt let down by them; there was something<br />

good in every practice and every competition<br />

and that is something you cannot praise<br />

enough.”<br />

Congratulations to Coach Lysa Laverdiere<br />

and the Lewiston High School Blue Devils<br />

Cheer Team on an amazing season and best<br />

wishes for next year and continuing the tradition<br />

of finishing on top. Cheers to YOU!! n


Out ’n About at the<br />

Lewiston HS Cheer<br />

Banquet<br />

Shelby,<br />

how many fore<br />

fingers am I holding<br />

up?<br />

God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.<br />

Mark Y<br />

SATURDAY<br />

We’ll be out<br />

Marissa Larock<br />

GIRLS!<br />

Silent Auction •<br />

Dunk Tank •<br />

Giveaways •<br />

50/50 •<br />

Photo Booth •<br />

Face Painting •<br />

Cash Bar •<br />

Mac’s on the Grill •<br />

Mr. Drew & His Animals, Too •<br />

AND MORE!<br />

Nicholas Roy<br />

Shelby Rucker &<br />

Marissa Larock<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

36<br />

April <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE!<br />

Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?


our Calendar<br />

I've never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I<br />

dropped was a carrot.<br />

, AUGUST 13TH<br />

side at Mac’s Grill<br />

OUR SPONSORS<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

Lewiston HS Cheer<br />

Banquet<br />

I think I’ll head<br />

over to Aero Air Park<br />

after this...<br />

Family<br />

FUN<br />

Event!<br />

We’ll have a whole cast of characters...<br />

Sort of like Disney :)<br />

Kali Monterio<br />

I think<br />

I’ll head to Sea 40<br />

after this...<br />

Live Music!<br />

Debbie Bodwell<br />

Coach Lysa Laverdiere<br />

Modern Woodmen of America<br />

Our media<br />

sponsor:<br />

Kali Monterio<br />

If I was a day trader, I'd start by getting rid of all my Mondays.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 37


I wish some of my co-workers weren't allowed in the break room... because that's who I usually need a break from.<br />

Blackie’s Farm<br />

Fresh<br />

Produce<br />

Open Year Round<br />

966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 786-0005 • 6am - 8pm<br />

996 Sabattus St, Lewiston • 786-4356 • 6am - 6:30pm<br />

THOMAS BAUER, DDS, MS<br />

1 Willow Run, Mt. Auburn Ave, Auburn<br />

784-8587 or (888) 895-6801<br />

AndroscogginOrtho.com<br />

“Where you’re<br />

treated like family.”<br />

Out ’n About at the Lewiston HS Cheer Banquet<br />

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn't<br />

breaking news. It's been going on ever<br />

since they introduced the iPhone.<br />

Don’t look now!<br />

He’s taking our<br />

picture AGAIN!!<br />

Home for<br />

Senior Women<br />

Plenty of room for walking<br />

Objects in mirror feel older than they appear.<br />

Call for a Tour<br />

Rosemary Camire Knight<br />

207-783-0961<br />

Home for Senior Women<br />

41 Pleasant Street, Auburn<br />

www.chapmanhouse.org<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

38<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Some people remember something that happened thirty-five years ago.<br />

I can't remember why I stood up.


Don't waste my time. That's my job.<br />

Missing<br />

Service<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A pious man, who had<br />

reached the age of<br />

105, suddenly stopped<br />

going to synagogue.<br />

CARPET CLEANING ◆ TILE & GROUT ◆ UPHOLSTERY CLEANING ◆ AREA RUGS<br />

Celebrating 30 Years of Service in the L/A Area!<br />

BEFORE<br />

AFTER<br />

Alarmed by the old fellow's<br />

absence after so<br />

many years of faithful<br />

attendance, the Rabbi<br />

went to see him.<br />

He found him in excellent<br />

health, so the<br />

Rabbi asked, "How<br />

come after all these<br />

years we don't see you<br />

at services anymore?"<br />

207-783-2933<br />

WWW.COLLINSCARPETCLEANING.COM<br />

Pretty sure my 9 month old is doing 5-Hour Energy shots behind my back.<br />

The old man lowered<br />

his voice. "I'll tell you,<br />

Rabbi," he whispered.<br />

"When I got to be 90, I<br />

expected God to take<br />

me any day. But then I<br />

got to be 95, then 100,<br />

then 105. So, I figured<br />

that God is very busy<br />

and must've forgotten<br />

about me, and I don't<br />

want to remind Him!"<br />

Paid in Full<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A little child in church<br />

for the first time<br />

watched as the ushers<br />

passed the offering<br />

plates.<br />

When they neared the<br />

pew where he sat, the<br />

youngster piped up so<br />

that everyone could<br />

hear; "Don't pay for me<br />

Daddy, I'm under five."<br />

I've finally reached the age where Happy Hour is a nap.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 39


Out ’n About at the<br />

Lewiston HS Cheer<br />

Banquet<br />

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.<br />

Being the<br />

smartest guy in the<br />

room takes effort,<br />

you know!<br />

Nicholas Roy<br />

Maddie Regner<br />

Sierra Melanson<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

40<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and one shirt I wear every day.


My dog acts like her entire family was killed by a vacuum cleaner.<br />

Soak up the Sunshine at<br />

Heidi’s!<br />

Come enjoy a great meal on our Patio<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

Lewiston HS Cheer<br />

Banquet<br />

OPEN on Mother’s Day<br />

10am to 8pm<br />

Heidi’s gift cards make a great<br />

Mother’s Day present!<br />

HOURS: Mon-Sat 7am-9pm; Sun 10am-8pm<br />

600 Turner Street, Auburn • 784-3434 • www.heidisauburn.com<br />

Check out our 2nd location at 415 Philbrook Ave., So. Portland<br />

Jazmine Fournier<br />

Out ’n About at the NinthTone Voice Studio Recital<br />

Amber Smith<br />

The Gelinas Family: Stephanie, Myolene, Nahomie Dunphy & Jerry<br />

with Rebeckah Leonard (studio owner, 2nd from left)<br />

Nowadays, most of the children dream about an IPhone, when I was a child<br />

– I wanted a dog.<br />

Shelby Rucker<br />

NEW PROJECT IN YOUR FUTURE?<br />

We Specialize in New Construction & Remodels<br />

Commercial • Residential<br />

Gauthier Plumbing<br />

& Heating<br />

Licensed & Insured<br />

207-212-2501 or 207-754-6351 • gauthierplmg.htgllc@yahoo.com<br />

Tim to Jimbo: You mean these doors open automatically for everyone, not just me?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 41


Good<br />

Impression<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

A young executive was<br />

leaving the office of a<br />

major corporation late<br />

one evening when he<br />

found the CEO himself<br />

standing in front of a<br />

shredder with a piece<br />

of paper in his hand.<br />

Eager to make a good<br />

impression, the young<br />

exec introduced himself<br />

and asked if he<br />

could be of any help.<br />

"Why yes," said the<br />

CEO, holding up the<br />

piece of paper. "This is<br />

a very sensitive and<br />

important document,<br />

and my secretary has<br />

gone for the night. Can<br />

you make this thing<br />

work?"<br />

"Certainly," said the<br />

young executive,<br />

happy for a chance to<br />

help the boss.<br />

The young man turned<br />

the machine on, inserted<br />

the paper, and<br />

pressed the start button.<br />

It's nice having dogs that continuously warn me about the nothing outside.<br />

Are You Tough Enough?<br />

3rd Annual Obstacle Course<br />

and MUD Run<br />

June 4th • 9:00am – 2:00pm<br />

at Geiger Elementary School<br />

601 College Street, Lewiston<br />

Rain or Shine!<br />

COME ONE, COME ALL<br />

$<br />

8pp when you register by <strong>May</strong> 28th or $ 10pp the day of the event.<br />

ALL youth finishers will receive a Tough Gator T-shirt!<br />

More info at toughgatorchallenge.com or<br />

write to info@toughgatorchallenge.com<br />

"Excellent, excellent!"<br />

said the CEO as his<br />

paper disappeared inside<br />

the machine. "I'll<br />

need two copies."<br />

Q: Why do some<br />

sausages have meat at<br />

one end and corn meal<br />

at the other?<br />

Tough Gators AFTER the MUD!<br />

A: Because sometimes<br />

it is hard to make both<br />

ends meat.<br />

Tough Gators makes a SPLASH!<br />

Photos by Cindy Lemieux<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

42<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.


Let Mac’s Cater Your<br />

Next Event!<br />

Don’t forget<br />

to get your<br />

grilling meats<br />

at Mac’s!<br />

Every Monday<br />

20% off Burgers<br />

& 30% off all<br />

drafts!<br />

Come Watch<br />

Your Favorite<br />

Baseball Team<br />

We have 11 T.V.’s in our 1,300 sq. ft bar area!<br />

Not a bad seat in the house!<br />

Mark Your Calendar...<br />

Join us August 13th<br />

Put me<br />

in Coach!<br />

Wishing<br />

all the Moms a<br />

very Happy Mother’s<br />

Day!<br />

Mac’s Grill • 1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • macsgrill.com


Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?<br />

TUXEDO HEADQUARTERS<br />

Sizzlin' Suzzin<br />

S&J Tuxedo<br />

located INSIDE Sarah Jeanne’s<br />

77 Sabattus Street, Lewiston<br />

207-795-6778<br />

Sarah Jeanne’s • 77 Sabattus St, Lewiston • Family Hair Care, Day Spa & Tanning • Suit & Tuxedo Sales & Rental<br />

www.sarahjeanneslewiston.net<br />

With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.<br />

Steve Cornish<br />

Magical DJ Productions<br />

Wow!<br />

What a generous<br />

crowd!!<br />

I have the<br />

best family in<br />

the world!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

44<br />

Tina & Ron<br />

Nadeau<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Rotisserie: a Ferris wheel for chickens.<br />

Blackie<br />

Labbe<br />

Owner of Blackie’s Farm Fresh Produce<br />

celebrates his 86th birthday with family.


For Sale: Wedding dress, size 12, worn once by mistake.<br />

<strong>May</strong> Hours: Wed. - Sat 4p to 1am<br />

Live Music in MAY<br />

Fri. 5/6 - Ragged Jack<br />

Sat. 5/14 - Tina Kelly<br />

Band<br />

Sat. 5-21 - Strong Hold<br />

Sat. 5/28 - Benefit Jam<br />

4Play & 80’s Band Hazard<br />

DJ with Karaoke<br />

EVERY Thursday & Friday<br />

60¢ wings every Wednesday<br />

128 Lewiston St., Mechanic Falls • 345-7040<br />

Out ’n About at<br />

Blackie Labbe’s<br />

86th Birthday Party<br />

Happy Birthday,<br />

Pépére!<br />

Blackie & his grandson,<br />

Blaine Martin<br />

The other night I laid in bed looking up at the stars and I thought to myself,<br />

"Where the heck is the roof?"<br />

1940 ~ 2015<br />

• Restaurant<br />

• Mini Golf Course<br />

• Driving Range<br />

• Ice Cream Stand<br />

Hannah Labbe &<br />

Olivia Randall<br />

Spoken by a<br />

Los Angeles radio DJ<br />

shortly after the 1990<br />

earthquake:<br />

Treat MOM to a family FUN day<br />

this Mother’s Day!<br />

470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • tabersgolf.com<br />

Spring Hours<br />

Miniature Golf &<br />

Driving Range<br />

Open Daily 10am - 8pm<br />

(weather permitting)<br />

Restaurant & Ice Cream Stand<br />

Open 11am-8pm<br />

Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.<br />

The telephone company<br />

is urging people<br />

to please not use the<br />

telephone unless it is<br />

absolutely necessary in<br />

order to keep the lines<br />

open for emergency<br />

personnel. We will be<br />

right back after this<br />

break to give away a<br />

pair of Phil Collins tickets<br />

to caller number<br />

95.<br />

Submitted by<br />

Richard Collins


Sweater<br />

Party<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Although we had recently<br />

moved into a<br />

new neighborhood,<br />

our young son had already<br />

made many new<br />

friends, ten of whom<br />

were invited to his<br />

birthday party. When<br />

the happy day arrived<br />

and he opened his<br />

presents, I was<br />

amazed to see that<br />

eight guests had presented<br />

him with<br />

sweaters.<br />

Later I visited the<br />

mother of one of the<br />

boys to explain about<br />

the multiplicity of<br />

sweaters in the hope<br />

that an exchange<br />

might be arranged.<br />

She said coolly, "Well,<br />

after all, you were the<br />

one who wrote on the<br />

invitation what you<br />

wanted me to buy."<br />

For a few minutes I<br />

was stunned into silence;<br />

then I realized<br />

what had happened.<br />

Since the party was<br />

being held in our basement,<br />

which is always<br />

cool, I had written on<br />

each invitation:<br />

"Please have your<br />

child bring a sweater."<br />

Did you know? An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.<br />

Rolly’s Diner<br />

Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />

Breakfast & Lunch<br />

Specials Daily<br />

4 Generations:<br />

Rolly, Sadie, Avery, & Ken<br />

Stop by my<br />

Diner & Say<br />

“Hi”<br />

The only thing common between a stork and an obstetrician is the long bill.<br />

Suicide & Mental Health<br />

Awareness Walk<br />

Saturday, <strong>May</strong> 7th • 10am - 1pm<br />

Poland High School Track, 1457 Maine Street, Poland<br />

Hey, my name is Robbie Cleaves, I’m a senior at Poland Regional High<br />

School and this is for my senior celebration (a requirement to graduate).<br />

I am hosting a suicide and mental health awareness walk on <strong>May</strong> 7th at<br />

the Poland High School Track. Opening ceremony is at 10:00am. The<br />

event ends at 1:00pm. A limited supply of T-shirts will be sold for<br />

$10 the day of the event. Sign up online between now and <strong>May</strong><br />

1st or the day of (online registrants will be charged a small<br />

convenience fee). Cash or check sign-ups can be submitted<br />

to the main office. $10 to sign up.<br />

Make checks payable to PRHS.<br />

• Unusual Omelettes<br />

• Crepes<br />

• Breakfast All Day<br />

• Extensive Menu<br />

87 Mill St.<br />

New Auburn<br />

753-0171<br />

(for take-out)<br />

Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm<br />

Sunday 7 am – noon<br />

Sign<br />

up at:<br />

FMI contact Robbie Cleaves 207-402-1397<br />

or rcleavesprhs@gmail.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

46<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen<br />

from Public Libraries.


Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than<br />

the celery has in it to begin with.<br />

Giving Back to our Community<br />

Proud sponsor of “Cleaning fora Reason”<br />

Early Childhood<br />

Reading Program<br />

Takes Off<br />

• Office Cleaning<br />

• House Cleaning<br />

• Janitorial Services<br />

• Customized Cleaning<br />

FREE Estimates • Reasonable Rates<br />

Call Chrissy TODAY!<br />

Locally Owned & Operated • Satisfaction Guaranteed<br />

• Floor Services<br />

chrissysdownhomecleaning@gmail.com<br />

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once!<br />

I wonder if Grampy<br />

is looking for a sharp<br />

young sales guy...<br />

AUTO, HOME & RECREATION VEHICLES<br />

Delivering on the Promise!<br />

207-783-2246<br />

150 East Ave, Lewiston<br />

Stephen Nagy<br />

www.maineinsuranceonline.com<br />

Hit snooze until the panic sets in.<br />

Call us<br />

for a<br />

FREE<br />

quote<br />

Today!<br />

Caden Shaw<br />

reads the <strong>Digest</strong> from<br />

cover to cover.<br />

Your LOCAL Source for Janitorial<br />

Cleaning & Maintenance Supplies<br />

No Minimum Purchases!<br />

Next Day Delivery in L/A<br />

120 Mill St., Auburn • 1-800-439-WIPE • GoodmanWiper.com<br />

US.<br />

FOODS<br />

KEEPING KITCHENS COOKING<br />

Nel Morin, Territory Manager<br />

207.740.3398<br />

USFoods.com<br />

lionel.morin@usfoods.com<br />

Love You<br />

Mom Desrosiers<br />

Love You<br />

Mom Morin<br />

Although we cannot see you...<br />

You are in our hearts daily.<br />

Linda & Nel<br />

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 47


The Birds<br />

& The Bees<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

It was 6 p.m., and I<br />

was about to leave the<br />

coin laundry where I<br />

was employed. My<br />

boss called me over<br />

and asked if I would<br />

mind dropping off<br />

someone's laundry on<br />

my way home.<br />

"It's for my cousin,"<br />

she apologized, "who's<br />

eight months pregnant<br />

and can't get out much<br />

anymore." I cheerfully<br />

agreed and, driving to<br />

the address, knocked<br />

at the door. A little girl,<br />

the sister-to-be, answered.<br />

"Hi, there," I said with<br />

a big smile. "Is your<br />

mommy home?" Holding<br />

up the blue bundle<br />

of clothes, I explained,<br />

"I have a delivery for<br />

her."<br />

The child's mouth<br />

dropped, and her eyes<br />

went wide.<br />

"Mom!" she shrieked.<br />

"Come quick! It's the<br />

stork!"<br />

A friend of mine found out he has the bird flu. He thinks he was a victim of fowl plague.<br />

Maine Chapter of the International Association<br />

of Arson Investigators<br />

8th Annual Pierre “Pete” J. Simard<br />

Benefit Golf Tournament<br />

Sponsored by:<br />

Tuesday June 14, <strong>2016</strong><br />

8:30 tee time / shotgun start<br />

Poland Spring Country Club • Rte. 26 Poland Spring<br />

Sponsors<br />

We are looking for hole sponsors and donations.<br />

We ask for your consideration in supporting this great cause.<br />

Benefits<br />

Maine Chapter of the International Association of Arson Investigators<br />

Annual Joseph C. Menezes Scholarship Program<br />

Assisting individuals continuing education in Fire Service<br />

Paramedic/EMT Service • Law Enforcement<br />

• Fee: $65.00/pp / $260.00 per team of 4<br />

• Includes: Round of 18 holes with cart<br />

• Morning registration includes coffee & snack<br />

• Beverage cart will be provided on course<br />

• 50/50 Raffle, Mulligans, Contests<br />

• Awards & Prizes will be presented during a<br />

post match buffet banquet.<br />

FMI Contact<br />

Steve Simard at 207-754-1815 or<br />

ssimard77659@roadrunner.com<br />

Gary Simard at<br />

g157simard@roadrunner.com or<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

48<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.


I knew I had to pay the mobster the money I owed him. It was a matter of life or debt.<br />

Out ’n About at the<br />

16th Annual Celebrity<br />

Waiter Dinner<br />

A fundraiser for Sexual Assault<br />

Prevention & Response Services<br />

TEXAS HOLD’EM Tournament!<br />

Saturday, <strong>May</strong> 21st • Noon–5pm Doors open at 11am<br />

Your Event... HERE!<br />

Weddings • Graduations • Reunions • Birthday Parties<br />

Only Post painted by Scott LoBaido in Maine!<br />

Dee Chapman<br />

All About U<br />

American Legion Post 31<br />

426 Washington St. N. Auburn • 207-783-6992 • LegionPost31.com<br />

The famous SOS Breakfast First Sun. of the month 7:30 - 10am<br />

Cooked to order. PUBLIC Welcome! Only $ 5<br />

Maine’s Premier Indoor Shooting Range<br />

Jonathan LaBonte<br />

Auburn <strong>May</strong>or<br />

Top Gun 207-998-2806<br />

Gift Card<br />

Now offering<br />

Rechargeable<br />

Gift Cards!<br />

481 Maine St, Poland Spring<br />

207-998-2806 • TopGunofMaine.com<br />

Polandspringtradingpost@hotmail.com<br />

Twice in one month<br />

is twice as nice!<br />

Kristen Cloutier<br />

How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 49


Be Polite<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

I was coming back<br />

from visiting my son in<br />

Miami and I stopped at<br />

a rest stop to use the<br />

bathroom.<br />

I just sat down on the<br />

toilet when I heard a<br />

voice coming from the<br />

stall next to mine,<br />

“Hey! How’s it going?”<br />

Although I was quite<br />

surprised, and I wasn’t<br />

in the habit of conversing<br />

to the people next<br />

to me in the stall, I nevertheless<br />

answered<br />

him, “I’m fine” I said<br />

“thanks for asking.”<br />

“What are you doing?”<br />

Asked the same voice.<br />

To be honest I was a<br />

bit taken back by the<br />

brazenness of this<br />

fellow, but I would<br />

never ignore anyone<br />

so I calmly answered,<br />

“I’m relieving myself.”<br />

Then I heard the same<br />

voice again, “I’m going<br />

to have to call you<br />

back, some smartaleck<br />

is answering all<br />

of my questions.”<br />

My wife has a cold. This morning she woke up and had her morning coughy.<br />

Interviews with Locals<br />

Hear folks you<br />

know every<br />

weekday...<br />

The Kind of<br />

Music L/A Likes<br />

Playing The Hits From Today’s Artists Like...<br />

Twenty One Pilots<br />

Rachel Platten<br />

Adele<br />

Shawn Mendes<br />

Mariah Carey<br />

Journey<br />

Dave Matthews<br />

Don Henley<br />

Justin Bieber<br />

Selena Gomez<br />

Ellie Goulding<br />

Cold Play<br />

...and those from the past<br />

Genesis<br />

Michael Jackson<br />

John Mellencamp<br />

Madonna<br />

James Bay<br />

Taylor Swift<br />

Charlie Puth<br />

Police<br />

Rod Stewart<br />

TLC<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

50<br />

Cat-decatinated<br />

Coffee<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Matty B. Greg Michaels Dave Dean Gene Cassidy<br />

Photo Credit: Haines Photography<br />

4 Ways to Listen<br />

Around L/A at 105.5-FM<br />

& 1240-AM<br />

Online at<br />

www.z1055.com &<br />

Tune-In App<br />

555 Center St., Auburn • Tel: 784-5868 • Email: GleasonMedia@gmail.com<br />

Using fish for currency can achieve an economy of scale.


Did You Know? The original name for a butterfly was flutterby.<br />

Check Mate<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

We were celebrating<br />

the 100th anniversary<br />

of our church, and several<br />

former pastors and<br />

the bishop were in attendance.<br />

At one point,<br />

our minister had the<br />

children gather at the<br />

altar for a talk about<br />

the importance of the<br />

day. He began by asking,<br />

"Does anyone<br />

know what the bishop<br />

does?"<br />

There was silence.<br />

Finally, one little boy<br />

answered gravely,<br />

"He's the one you can<br />

move diagonally."<br />

Liz: I get so nervous<br />

and frightened during<br />

driving tests!<br />

Doctor: Don’t worry<br />

about it. You’ll pass<br />

eventually.<br />

Liz: I’m the examiner!<br />

Patient: Doctor, if I give<br />

up wine, women, and<br />

song, will I live longer?<br />

Doctor: Not really. It<br />

will just seem longer.<br />

A Hairy Situation<br />

Out ’n About at the 16th Annual Celebrity Waiter Dinner<br />

Leah Cross, All About You,<br />

Lisa Olmstead & Kim Galgovitch, Allure<br />

Nate Hurd, Dee Chapman,<br />

Leah Cross & Officer Joe Philippon<br />

Officer Patrick Griffin<br />

deputizes some help to control the unruly crowd<br />

What do you call keys born on the same day?<br />

Twinkies!<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 51


Born<br />

Salesman<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

The man's pants zipper broke, but he fixed it on the fly.<br />

I learned a lesson in<br />

marketing from a man<br />

who bought an old<br />

boat, a trailer, and a<br />

motor from me.<br />

"Thanks," he said as<br />

he loaded them up.<br />

"I'm planning to resell<br />

them."<br />

Good luck, I thought. I<br />

had been trying to get<br />

rid of them for months.<br />

But when I ran into him<br />

a few weeks later, he'd<br />

sold everything.<br />

"How did you manage<br />

that?" I marveled.<br />

"I took out an ad:<br />

'Heavy-duty boat trailer<br />

with free boat.' When<br />

the buyer came to get<br />

it, I asked if he had a<br />

motor. He said no. I<br />

told him I happened to<br />

have one in my<br />

garage. Bought that,<br />

too."<br />

Never needlessly<br />

disturb a thing at rest.<br />

Sticking up for<br />

your friends<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

52<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.


The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.<br />

Guard Dog<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Specializing in:<br />

Boilers,<br />

Water Softeners<br />

& Geo Springs<br />

A young couple lived in<br />

a town filled with crime.<br />

After three neighbors<br />

had been robbed, the<br />

couple decided to get a<br />

guard dog.<br />

Visiting the pet store,<br />

the young wife asked<br />

for a good guard dog.<br />

Ray Hurilla Plumbing & Heating Co.<br />

207-485-7357<br />

RayHurillaPlumbingandHeating.com<br />

"Sorry, we're all sold<br />

out," the clerk replied.<br />

"All we have left is this<br />

little Scottie dog. But<br />

he does know karate!"<br />

FOUR<br />

GENERATIONS<br />

Mike Labbe,<br />

Blackie Labbe,<br />

Jackie Labbe,<br />

Hannah Labbe<br />

& Olivia Randall<br />

The woman didn't believe<br />

the clerk, so he<br />

told the dog to karate a<br />

chair. The dog broke<br />

the chair into pieces.<br />

Then he told the dog to<br />

karate a table, and the<br />

dog quickly broke the<br />

table in half. So the<br />

woman bought the dog<br />

and took it home.<br />

Her husband was disappointed<br />

and skeptical<br />

about the Scottie<br />

dog's abilities as a<br />

guard dog.<br />

Brad’s Precision Auto<br />

144 Riverside Dr., Auburn • 207-333-0364<br />

Any Make... Any Model... Any Problem...<br />

NO PROBLEM!<br />

The wife told him about<br />

the dog's excellent<br />

karate skills.<br />

"Karate, my butt!" the<br />

husband yelled.<br />

To this very day, he is<br />

still in the hospital.<br />

• Appointments required<br />

• Fully warranteed & certified<br />

• $65/hr labor rate<br />

Brad’s mechanics:<br />

Norah, Marek, Isaiah & Mallory<br />

CABIN FEVER? Get your summer<br />

ride on the road!<br />

I try wearing tight jeans, but I can never pull them off.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 53


Tickle Your<br />

Punny Bone<br />

with Ron Hood<br />

Ron Hood is the Director of<br />

Owner Services for Owner<br />

Media Group. He’s also an<br />

internationally renowned<br />

PEZ collector, an amateur<br />

weather reporter, and man<br />

of mystery. Join the fun on<br />

his Facebook page. Email<br />

him at<br />

OTDweather@gmail.com<br />

Welcome to <strong>May</strong>...<br />

Aaah Springtime! The<br />

winter was difficult on<br />

the trees, but now that is it officially spring, they will be<br />

re-leafed. This month is a time for planting and gardening.<br />

All good gardeners take care of their plants as<br />

they weed'em and reap, which is truly a bed of roses.<br />

Oddly enough, I know that some gardeners have a<br />

fear of growing roses. It is a thorny issue, and I am not<br />

sure where it stems from, but it seems likely they'll be<br />

stuck with it for life.<br />

Have a favorite florist or gardening center? They are<br />

the garden police, providing us lawn and order because<br />

they know the ground rules. If you are a beginning<br />

gardener it's ok to work by trowel and error. You<br />

can also look to your favorite florist/gardening center<br />

to explain when it is best to propagate, which is a big<br />

word for simply leaving your garden wide open, or they<br />

can give you advice on choosing to use either bark or<br />

rocks in your garden, which can be a tu-mulch-uous<br />

decision. If you are into herb gardening, be careful<br />

about working over-thyme and know when it's the best<br />

time to cummin. There are many landscape magazines<br />

that will give you good garden ideas, just leaf<br />

through them and have fun.<br />

If you plant a vegetable garden, always plant cabbage<br />

first so it has a head start. It might help if you play the<br />

organ in your garden to get organ-ically grown food,<br />

which is very popular these days. If you live in an area<br />

where people steal your vegetables, especially corn,<br />

they can be arrested for stalking! The important thing<br />

is hoe-ing your rights!<br />

My best gardening advice for you...When you look at<br />

your garden plans for this year, forget the past and rely<br />

on the fuchsia!<br />

Well, Jimbo tells me I have to end my pun article for<br />

this month. Know that I am so glad-i-ola that I could<br />

be here to pun with you, and as Arnold Schwarzenegger<br />

said in Terminator 2, “Hosta La Vista, Baby's<br />

Breath!”<br />

Out ’n About at Blackie Labbe’s 86th Birthday Party<br />

I was both sad and delighted when my flashlight<br />

batteries died.<br />

My Pépére,<br />

my hero!<br />

Nick Labbe, Colleen Murphy & Olivia Randall<br />

Claudette Tainter, Jackie & Blackie Labbe<br />

Drew Gallant, his mom & brother, Nikki & Zach<br />

Labonne<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

54<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.


A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.<br />

Out ’n About at the 16th Annual Celebrity Waiter Dinner<br />

Denis Webber & his Cage(y) Crew<br />

It certainly was a magical night<br />

Signs You<br />

Need a Computer<br />

Lesson:<br />

Our all-stars,<br />

Marnie & Brian<br />

DuBois...<br />

1) You've backed-up<br />

your desktop by<br />

pushing it against<br />

the wall.<br />

2) You've put foam<br />

around the computer<br />

to prevent it from<br />

crashing.<br />

T-Shirt Toss: Edward Little High School Athletic Director, Dan Deshaies, accepts a contribution from Marnie<br />

and Brian DuBois of the DuBois Realty Group of Keller Williams Realty. The contribution of $1,000 in support<br />

of ELHS Athletics was presented at the most recent EL vs. Lewiston Basketball game where the DuBois Realty<br />

Group also provided 100 free t-shirts to encourage school spirit where cheerleaders and young student-athletes<br />

randomly tossed them into the bleachers for those in attendance. DuBois Realty Group can be reached<br />

by calling 207-344-3230.<br />

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.<br />

3) The soles of your<br />

shoes are worn out<br />

from re-booting your<br />

computer.<br />

4) You try to clear the<br />

screen by shaking<br />

the monitor up and<br />

down.<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 55


Decisions<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.<br />

A group of junior-level<br />

executives were participating<br />

in a management<br />

training program.<br />

The seminar leader<br />

pounded home his<br />

point about the need<br />

to make decisions and<br />

take action on these<br />

decisions.<br />

"For instance," he<br />

said, "if you had five<br />

frogs on a log and<br />

three of them decided<br />

to jump, how many<br />

frogs would you have<br />

left on the log?"<br />

The answers from the<br />

group were unanimous:<br />

"Two."<br />

"Wrong," replied the<br />

speaker, "there would<br />

still be five because<br />

there is a difference<br />

between deciding to<br />

jump and jumping."<br />

A cat wants it the<br />

way it wants it<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

56<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

We could be friends, but you don't seem like the type of person I could<br />

borrow money from.


207-783-7039<br />

(That’s not a threat.) It’s a fact.<br />

UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST was audited by the Certification Verification Council (CVC),<br />

an independent, third-party reporting audit company. Who audits more than 3,700 publications<br />

nationwide. Our audit shows:<br />

2.5 *<br />

80.6% *<br />

58% *<br />

52% *<br />

Readers per edition.<br />

Getting your ad up to 25,000<br />

impressions per month.<br />

National average:<br />

1.75*<br />

frequently purchase products and<br />

services from ads seen in<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

National average:<br />

74.4%*<br />

of our readers have an<br />

annual household income of<br />

$50,000 or more.<br />

National average:<br />

47%*<br />

of our readers hang on to their<br />

<strong>Digest</strong> for a month or more,<br />

giving it coffee table status.<br />

National average:<br />

25%*<br />

It’s Verified – <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong> Delivers!<br />

*Source: Fall 2015 CVC Audit Report. Ask to see entire report.


<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

58<br />

Thick!<br />

Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />

Two men were standing<br />

on a street corner,<br />

discussing the merits<br />

of their teenage sons.<br />

"You know," remarked<br />

the first one, "My son is<br />

so thick! I don't think<br />

they teach the kids<br />

anything useful at<br />

school these days."<br />

"Well," replied the<br />

other gentleman, "He<br />

can't be as bad as<br />

mine!"<br />

The discussion continued<br />

at length, when<br />

suddenly they saw<br />

both of the boys<br />

coming towards them.<br />

"Listen," said the first<br />

man, "I'll prove to you<br />

that my son is thicker<br />

than yours."<br />

"Come here Andy!"<br />

The son obeyed his<br />

father and asked why<br />

he had called him over.<br />

"Here's $10" replied<br />

the father," Go and buy<br />

your mother a new<br />

fridge from the<br />

appliance store!"<br />

The second parent<br />

likewise called his son<br />

over. "Tom," he said "<br />

here's $50. Go home<br />

on the bus and see if<br />

I'm there!"<br />

Both boys departed<br />

together and met up<br />

around the corner.<br />

Andy beckoned Tom to<br />

(continued on next page)<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

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No matter how much you push the envelope it will still be stationary.<br />

(continued from previous page)<br />

him and whispered in<br />

his ear "My dad's really<br />

stupid, Tom" he said,<br />

"he gave me $10 to<br />

buy my mom a new<br />

fridge from the appliance<br />

store, and it's<br />

Wednesday, they close<br />

early!"<br />

"That's nothing!"<br />

replied Tom, "my old<br />

man's worse than that.<br />

He gave me $50 to get<br />

on the bus and go<br />

home to see if he's<br />

there. He could have<br />

called home to find that<br />

out!"<br />

Y-NOT<br />

QUESTION<br />

?<br />

The National average of<br />

people who purchase<br />

products and services<br />

from a print ad is 74.4%.<br />

Participants:<br />

What percentage<br />

of readers<br />

frequently purchase<br />

products and services<br />

from ads seen<br />

in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s<br />

<strong>Digest</strong>?<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” – C. S. Lewis<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 59


<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

60<br />

Humility<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A colleague was invited<br />

to hold a speech in<br />

Japan. Aware of his<br />

reputation as a very<br />

good speaker, he was<br />

surprised that his audience<br />

did not react at all<br />

to any of his perfectly<br />

timed jokes and witticisms.<br />

In fact, the audience<br />

did not react to<br />

anything he said.<br />

Somewhat put down,<br />

he went back to his<br />

seat and a Japanese<br />

gentleman appeared<br />

on the stage. This man<br />

had a terrific success!<br />

People laughed and<br />

applauded, and although<br />

the original<br />

speaker could not understand<br />

one bit of<br />

what was said, still he<br />

started to applaud, as<br />

the man evidently deserved<br />

praise for this<br />

perfect speech.<br />

He was interrupted by<br />

the chairman of the<br />

conference, "No no, sir.<br />

You must not applaud."<br />

Dumbfounded, he<br />

protested: "But why?<br />

This man is obviously a<br />

very good speaker."<br />

"No sir, you must not<br />

applaud. He is translating<br />

your speech."<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Makeup tip: You're not in the circus.<br />

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I had my driver's test the other day. I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.<br />

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Getting Older<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Amy and Jamie are old<br />

friends. They have<br />

both been married to<br />

their husbands for a<br />

long time.<br />

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One day Amy was<br />

upset because she<br />

thought her husband<br />

didn't find her attractive<br />

anymore.<br />

"As I get older he<br />

doesn't bother to look<br />

at me!" Amy cried.<br />

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The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.<br />

"I'm so sorry for you,<br />

as I get older my husband<br />

says I get more<br />

beautiful every day."<br />

replied Jamie.<br />

"Yes," answered Amy,<br />

"but your husband's an<br />

antique dealer!"<br />

Expert<br />

Testimony<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

Arthur C. Clarke, who<br />

wrote the science fiction<br />

novel 2001: A<br />

Space Odyssey, was<br />

also a scientist.<br />

He received a telegram<br />

from newspaper<br />

publisher William<br />

Randolph Hearst demanding,<br />

"Is there life<br />

on Mars? Cable one<br />

thousand words."<br />

Clarke wired back:<br />

"Nobody knows.<br />

Repeat five hundred<br />

times."<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong> <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 61


Hit and Run<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

I work to buy a car to go to work.<br />

The hit-and-run victim<br />

was just getting to his<br />

feet when a policeman<br />

ran up to help.<br />

"My mother-in-law just<br />

tried to run me over!"<br />

the shaken man told<br />

the cop.<br />

"The car hit you from<br />

behind," the officer<br />

said. "How could you<br />

tell it was your motherin-law?"<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> <strong>Andy's</strong> <strong>Digest</strong><br />

is the only print media that has provided us<br />

with direct results from our marketing campaigns. We<br />

received direct response the very first month of advertising in the<br />

<strong>Digest</strong> and continue to have customers come in every month from<br />

our ads in <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s. This is the only print media that has produced<br />

this type of results for my business and now I am<br />

advertising three of my businesses in the <strong>Digest</strong>!<br />

Take it from me - IT WORKS!!<br />

"I recognized the<br />

laugh!" he replied.<br />

Daytime<br />

Television<br />

Submitted by Jimbo<br />

A newspaper reporter<br />

was writing a feature<br />

story about prison life<br />

and was interviewing<br />

one of the prisoners.<br />

"Do you watch much<br />

television here?"<br />

"Only the daytime<br />

shows," the inmate<br />

said. "At night we're<br />

locked in our cells<br />

and don't see any<br />

television."<br />

"That's too bad," the<br />

reporter said, "But I do<br />

think it is nice that the<br />

warden lets you watch<br />

it in the daytime."<br />

"What do you mean,<br />

nice?" the inmate said.<br />

"That's part of the<br />

punishment."<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />

62<br />

<strong>May</strong> <strong>2016</strong><br />

...with<br />

Jimbo<br />

783-7039<br />

Debra Ann Sellinger,<br />

Owner of Saintman Wellness Center<br />

Located at 1967 Lisbon Road, Lewiston. See her ad on page 2.<br />

Which day do chickens hate the most?<br />

Fry-day.


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Save $10.00<br />

Main Street, Lewiston<br />

Captain Morgans<br />

1.75<br />

$23.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

Pinnacle<br />

1.75L Family<br />

$17.99<br />

Save $5.00<br />

694 Main St.<br />

Lewiston • 782-1482<br />

794 Sabattus St.<br />

Lewiston • 783-6353<br />

1420 Lisbon St.<br />

Lewiston • 333-3095<br />

545 Minto Ave.<br />

Auburn • 783-2047<br />

303-311 Main St.<br />

Auburn • 783-9098


REOPENING<br />

IN MAY!<br />

"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.<br />

RENOVATIONS<br />

COMPLETE!<br />

• 2 Familiar<br />

faces<br />

coming<br />

back!<br />

• Customer<br />

Loyalty<br />

Cards!<br />

• Free wifi<br />

for our<br />

customers!<br />

Can’t wait<br />

to see all<br />

of you!!<br />

Mon.-Thurs. 7am-5pm<br />

Fri. by appointment<br />

Yen-Chang Chen, D.M.D.<br />

Dr. Chen and his staff are dedicated to providing a pleasant, stress-free visit<br />

with results that you will be proud to show off.<br />

Visit us at our state of the art office at:<br />

730 Center St • Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza<br />

783-1351<br />

Same Day Emergency Care<br />

We are a preferred Northeast Delta provider<br />

LIQUID<br />

SUNSHINE<br />

CAR WASH<br />

& DETAIL<br />

865 Sabattus Street<br />

Lewiston<br />

207-333-3004<br />

Hours: Mon- Fri 9:00am - 5:00pm<br />

Sat 8:30am - 4:00pm<br />

auburnplazafamilydentistry.com<br />

<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys<strong>Digest</strong>.com

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