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Vermont Labor Day 2016

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The Final Brodown<br />

HoDOwn<br />

MoNtgomery VeRmont<br />

LAboR DaY Weekend <strong>2016</strong><br />

Burn it all down


DISCLAIMER<br />

Hi, I’m Mike. I’m your weekend guide, your affable party host, and the cancerous little angel perched on your<br />

shoulder happily shepherding you into making regrettable decisions during what will be the craziest <strong>Vermont</strong><br />

party weekend yet. So grab my hand and let’s head deep into the mountains of <strong>Vermont</strong> together…<br />

You probably already know what this weekend is: a guerilla gay bombing of a small village in the middle-ofnowhere<br />

<strong>Vermont</strong>. So now I’ll try to explain why this weekend is. It’s to get away from gay city people and to<br />

give you a chance to step outside of the real world for a weekend and into an alternate universe where a tiny<br />

farming/mountain town is suddenly and overwhelmingly… gay.<br />

The weekend is weird, very drunk, and honestly… its not for everybody. It’s definitely not luxurious, it’s<br />

definitely not fabulous, it’s unique. But it’s really, really fun if you’re a laid back, easy-going kind of homo. You’ll<br />

meet a lot of new people, and probably make a lot of new friends.<br />

The purpose of this guide is to help you determine if this weekend is for you. It might not be, and that’s ok. But<br />

if it is, you’re going to have a weekend you won’t forget.


WelCome to Summer gAY cAMp<br />

Aaaaaaaaaaah summer camp… hiking through the woods,<br />

campfires at night, vicious and hateful social cliques that<br />

psychologically destroy your slightly overweight friend, and<br />

that one creepy older councilor that would have you smelltest<br />

ether rags in the back of his Taurus... For many of us,<br />

it was the best time of our lives.<br />

Deep in the woods of <strong>Vermont</strong>’s Northeast Kingdom is the<br />

strange little town of Montgomery – the unlikeliest spot for<br />

a gay throwdown party weekend. If you blinked, you’d drive<br />

right through it. But if you dig a little deeper, you’d find<br />

a really weird scene – there’s a dark youth hostel style<br />

lodge but also perfectly quaint inns… there’s a little white<br />

steeple church, but that’s where the town buys its drugs.<br />

There’s a lot of farmers and rednecks, but even more hippies<br />

and homos. And everyone seems to get along.<br />

And then at <strong>Labor</strong> <strong>Day</strong>, this little town center of about 500<br />

people welcomes 100 city gays. It’s weird, but it’s kind of<br />

perfect.<br />

This is the 9 th and final year I’ll do this, and every year<br />

it seems to get bigger. We had over 100 guys from the US and<br />

Canada there last year. It’s not an organized ‘gay weekend’<br />

and there’s no paid events, or anything other than an open<br />

invite to come and check out Montgomery, <strong>Vermont</strong>, kick back,<br />

let loose, and experience a scene that is, in many ways, the<br />

opposite of Provincetown, Key West, or big city gay fests.


satUrdAy<br />

<strong>Day</strong>time (12pm-5pm)– Third Hole. Boozy river hike and drinking.<br />

This is the day we go on a relatively easy 20-25 minute hike to<br />

a swimming hole that’s a little more remote in the woods.<br />

Bring water, bring sneakers or reasonable shoes (no need for<br />

hiking boots or anything, it’s more of a ‘walk’ than a ‘hike’<br />

but you should avoid flip-flops or barefeet.)<br />

Directions: When you walk out of Grampa Grunts, go straight up Rt. 58 until it bends to the left. You’ll see a little parking area. Follow the<br />

trail into the woods, you will have to walk through some water by the waterfalls (knee-deep) and you’ll hike along the other side of the river<br />

until you find us all. Should be about 15 minutes one you cross the river.


satUrdAy<br />

Note: if you drink too much, it’s dangerous and really, so what?


SAtURdAY NIGHT RIVER DANCE PARTY<br />

Montgomery <strong>Vermont</strong> <strong>Labor</strong> <strong>Day</strong> weekend<br />

CoWbOys VS indIAnS<br />

the big river dance party<br />

As always, it’s Cowboys vs. Indians. America’s finest heroes against our original menace. Dress<br />

the part. For cowboys: flannels, cowboy hats, leather and lassos. For Indians, feathers,<br />

warpaint, casino uniforms and Elizabeth Warren t-shirts.<br />

This is the big dance party down at the river, in the woods at my place. There’s a dancefloor in<br />

the woods, fires on the river, and mischief all around.<br />

If you’ve never seen a nightclub in the woods, this may be your only chance.


HOLD UP KMOSABE!<br />

SATURDAY NIGHT DISCLAIMER<br />

Cowboys vs Indians River Dance Party. The fine print:<br />

• My house will be shut and locked. The party is down on the<br />

land by the river. If you have to pee, pee in the woods. If<br />

you have to shit, ew, go home. Shitting at a party?<br />

Literally nobody likes you. Just walk home.<br />

• Water and (maybe) ice will be provided, bring your own<br />

booze/mixers/stuff.<br />

• PLEASE try to avoid glass bottles – or be careful with them.<br />

We walk around barefoot down there all year.<br />

• It could be dangerous getting through the woods – it could<br />

be wet, slippery, etc. As they say on that HBO show, Girls,<br />

“The night is dark and full of terrors”. YOU are responsible<br />

for YOURSELF –as if you were an adult, or a Republican.<br />

• If you choose to drink alcohol, hurray for you, but you’re<br />

nobody’s responsibility but your own. Die fag.<br />

• Respect our neighbors, they have shitloads of guns, are<br />

scared of city music and hate the very idea of you.


There’s nothing like a cleansing fire to wash away<br />

the demons of a weekend well-spent.<br />

Sunday night will be at Char’s house in Montgomery<br />

Village. The bonfire this year will be bigger.<br />

People will caravan over (it’s a 10 minute drive<br />

from the big city lights of Montgomery Center) and<br />

it’s BYOB.<br />

Unless you went to one of those ultra-rapey<br />

Midwestern state colleges, this will be the<br />

biggest bonfire you’ve ever seen. Thanks to a<br />

massive ice storm Obama sent on Christmas Eve to<br />

please his Muslim overlords, the tree stack is<br />

almost twice as big as last year’s massive fire.<br />

Bonfiring will be between 9pm-11pm<br />

The bonfire will also be on Hill West Road, across<br />

from the pulloff for the swimming hole – at<br />

Charlie’s house.


Frequently axed questions<br />

What does this cost? There are no<br />

costs other than your own lodging,<br />

eating and drinking costs. This<br />

isn’t an ‘event’ is an anti-event.<br />

It’s barely planned. It’s just a<br />

town open house. Come one, come<br />

all. Allahu akbar.<br />

What is the group like? The key<br />

demographic is laid-back/easygoing.<br />

No drama, pussies or<br />

bitches. In a word, bros.<br />

That’s nice, but I’m gay and<br />

shallow, I meant, what are their<br />

stats? Average age is 22-32 -<br />

younger and older too. The crowd<br />

comes 50% from Boston, 25% from<br />

other parts of the US and 25% from<br />

Canada. French Canadians are uncut<br />

and mostly insane. Since we’re<br />

doing outdoors shit, the party<br />

attracts more of an outdoorsy/jock<br />

crowd than your typical gay soiree.<br />

How do I get there? Drive. I can<br />

help find you a ride from Boston,<br />

New York, Burlington VT or<br />

Montreal, so if you can get to one<br />

of those cities, you’re all set.<br />

know what that is. Our friends<br />

aren’t druggies, they’re boozers<br />

and stoners. I’ve never been to a<br />

circuit party but I’d imagine this<br />

is the opposite of something you’d<br />

find in Miami or Provincetown.<br />

Is this a crazy sex party? No.<br />

Definitely no. But it’s a party of<br />

100 drunk guys up in the mountains<br />

for a few days. So yeah, there’s<br />

lots of hooking up going on.<br />

Will I die? I’ve thrown this party<br />

twice a year for 9 years and very,<br />

very few guests have died.<br />

Is it true there are no cell phones<br />

in town? Yep. There is no cell<br />

phone coverage in town. There is<br />

wifi in the lodges and you can<br />

drive a few minutes out of town to<br />

catch a signal, but prepare to<br />

unplug. It feels amazing.<br />

Will I be gay-bashed in a small<br />

mountain/farming town in the middle<br />

of nowhere? Nope. Just be cool.<br />

It’s a great little town, but it’s<br />

definitely not ptown – so behave<br />

and act like a man, man.<br />

Where to stay<br />

Google these places and you<br />

gotta call them.<br />

Grampa Grunts is the youthhostel-style<br />

party central<br />

spot. It’s not luxury.<br />

There are bunk beds.<br />

The Inn – owned by a gay<br />

couple that escaped NYC,<br />

this place is amazing.<br />

There’s an awesome bar and<br />

restaurant too so check it<br />

out at some point.<br />

Phineas Swan – another b&b,<br />

this one is also pretty<br />

nice and is dog-friendly.<br />

They might have rooms<br />

available.<br />

The Coach House – average<br />

rooms, good place to stay.<br />

Snowshoe Lodge – the town<br />

bar. Loud and proud.<br />

Decidedly not fancy.<br />

Is this a circuit party? I don’t


Saturday<br />

The Inn!!<br />

Pretty stuff


A travel note: some GPS systems will take you off Interstate 91 and onto VT-route 58. This is outlined<br />

in blue above. This is the shortest way to get there, but it’s a windy dirt road through a mountain pass<br />

where you’ll have no cell phone coverage and you’re gay.<br />

I recommend it for people with chunky tires, but not performance or low-profile tires. It’s also probably<br />

not the best idea if you’re super anal about your car’s paint job or keeping it clean. The route outlined in<br />

red is how most GPS systems will send you and it’s the best bet. It’ll take you to Jay Peak Resort and<br />

then to Montgomery. .


LABOR DAY WEEKEND <strong>2016</strong> – MONTGOMERY CENTER – VERMONT


You get to be a weirdo for a weekend. Enjoy it.


The world’s most unlikely gay resort.


Say goodbye<br />

After nine years, this is it.

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