MSWA2016302 Network Magazine Spring 16 v4

Self-compassion:
Our greatest ally
Simon Rolph, Counsellor
Compassion cannot cure multiple sclerosis (MS). There we
go. I’ve stated the obvious; but with expectations now set
realistically low, I will now explain why compassion can
be one of our most powerful allies in our response to a
diagnosis like MS.
Paul Gilbert is a British psychologist, university professor,
founder of compassion focused therapy, and author of
books such as The Compassionate Mind. So it’s safe to say
he knows a little bit about compassion. Paul defines the
essence of compassion as “a basic kindness, with deep
awareness of the suffering of oneself and of other living
things, coupled with the wish and effort to relieve it”.
I’ll start off by addressing the deep awareness of suffering.
I am guessing that if you are reading this you either have an
MS diagnosis or know someone with one. If so, you will be
all too aware of the impact a diagnosis of MS can have with
the potential for emotional pain, physical pain, grief and loss.
Take away the reality of living with MS and we still live in a
world full of suffering. Read a newspaper or watch the news
on any given day and you will witness ongoing tragedy and
pain. Given the world we live in and the hard truth of living
in a body that is susceptible to disease and illness, suffering
is an inevitability. Throw in a highly complex but tricky
brain that has the capability of producing a range of painful
thoughts and feelings, and suffering is but one painful
memory away from being a reality.
Fortunately, it isn’t all doom and gloom. As soon as we are
able to recognise and become aware of our own suffering,
we have choice of how we want to respond. So much of
our lived experiences are out of our control; the world we
are born into, the genes we inherit, the autoimmune
diseases we can develop, but we still have choice of how
we can respond.
Holocaust survivor and author of “Man’s search for
Meaning” Viktor E. Frankl famously said:
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last
of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any
given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
This last human freedom provides us with the choice to try
and relieve our suffering with compassion, with kindness. So
what does this look like in real life?
One of the most common MS symptoms is fatigue and
in my role as a counsellor I have had the opportunity to
listen and witness a range of responses to this symptom.
These have included frustration towards the limitations
of fatigue, feelings of guilt towards reduced capabilities,
beating themselves up (metaphorically) as a result of
reduced capabilities, pushing beyond their capabilities
with the consequence of exhaustion, and fear of the future
implications of fatigue. Does any of this sound familiar?
Replace fatigue with physical pain, change in mobility or
cognitive changes and many of the described experiences
are still potentially relevant. Frustration, guilt, fear,
self-criticism and many more painful thoughts and feelings
have the ability to show up.
All of these responses are entirely normal and natural and
there is nothing we can do to stop them from showing up
from time to time. However, getting caught up in these
painful thoughts and feelings is often unhelpful and can
actually contribute to further suffering.
A compassionate alternative then is to recognise our initial
response to a symptom such as fatigue (or any form of
suffering), and choose to offer ourselves some kindness.
Rather than beating ourselves up with self-criticism, offer
some words of comfort and support. Rather than push
beyond our capabilities, allow ourselves to have a break and
perhaps a shift in expectation. Rather than getting caught up
in frustration, guilt and fear, acknowledge the presence of
these painful emotions and do something kind and helpful.
This could be something as simple as taking a few deep
breaths, having a glass of water, going for a walk, making
contact with someone who is important to you.
Self-compassion can look very different depending on
the context and isn’t always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes
being compassionate towards ourselves is making the
hard choice; not eating that very tasty chocolate bar but
instead going out in bad weather to get some exercise.
Sometimes it is quitting a job to allow for a new start,
leaving a bad relationship or making painful sacrifices for
long term benefit.
We have many different relationships, whether with friends
or family but the most important relationship we have is with
ourselves. We are constantly in our own company and at
some point we all experience pain. At that point we have a
choice. We can criticise ourselves, beat ourselves up, react
in an unhelpful way. Or we can recognise our suffering, offer
ourselves some support and kindness and be our own best
friend. Neither will change the initial cause of the suffering
but depending on the approach, the experience itself can be
vastly different.
Being compassionate towards ourselves can be
challenging. Maybe we haven’t had much practice at
being self-compassionate. Maybe we have a belief that
kindness and compassion are a sign of weakness. Maybe
we believe that self-criticism can be motivating and to
be honest, it can be at times. But take a moment and
imagine having a donkey to carry your goods to market
(trust me, this is relevant).
For your career as a trader to succeed, you need your
donkey to transfer your products on a daily basis. How do
you do this? Well, you could whip the donkey and cause pain
as motivation to move forward. Or you could dangle a carrot
in front of the donkey, offer support, encouragement and
kindness and reward your trusty steed when you arrive at
the market. Either of these approaches can get the desired
result but in the long term the punished donkey will likely
feel anxious, depressed, have no desire to be loyal and
ultimately lead a rather unhappy existence. The rewarded
donkey may not always get the goods to market on time,
but will be motivated, have a far kinder and trusting
relationship with its owner and will likely have a more
content and meaningful life than the punished donkey.
The choice we have then is what kind of owner do we want
to be to ourselves?
For further information on Paul Gilbert, compassion
and a range of relevant books, audio and video content,
please visit the following website:
compassionatemind.co.uk/about-us
22 Spring 2016 The MS Society of South Australia & Northern Territory The MS Society of South Australia & Northern Territory Spring 2016 23