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10 | October 13, 2016 | The lake forest leader community
LakeForestLeader.com
You Know Neen
Do you share everything with your spouse?
Nina Vallone
Guest Columnist
While marriage is
a union between
two people
agreeing to share their
lives with one another,
does that mean they need
to share everything?
And what is everything,
anyway?
Emotional intimacy, the
kind we all crave in our
marriages, involves being
vulnerable and open with
one another. When we
agree to share a life, we
share our hopes, dreams
and fears. We share our
bodies, we share our families
of origin, we create
a new family sometimes
and share our children.
We share responsibilities
and mortgages. Isn’t that
everything?
When does intimacy interrupt
privacy and does it
matter to you? I’m a super
private person, and yet,
if my husband wants to
know something, I answer
him honestly. That said,
there are things I keep to
myself.
For example, I don’t
tell him that I prefer $22
mascara to the $8 drugstore
variety. I may or
may not tell him I took a
nap instead of going to the
grocery store. My husband
may not tell me about a
deal gone wrong at work.
He may decide not to tell
me about a conversation
he had with his mom that
he knows will upset me.
Quite frankly, I need
some things that I keep
to myself and for myself.
And Hubs needs the same.
One thing I never tell
Hubs? What my friends
tell me in confidence. Or
what we chat about that
perhaps he just doesn’t
need to know. I think that
is an ultimate betrayal
in trust. I know women
who tell their husbands
everything their friends
say. Something about that
just feels wrong to me.
I get that at the end of a
fun night, there’s nothing
like snuggling up with
your husband or wife
and chatting about who
said what and how funny
this person was and can
you believe the joke Jake
told blahblahblah. But.
But. If I’m out with my
gal pals and one of them
starts talking about how
aggravated they are with
their job, their own Hubs
or how she’s thinking of
going on vacation alone,
what kind of friend am I
to share that with Hubs?
She’s telling me, not him.
I stopped sharing information
with a friend of mine
that does share everything
with her husband.
I stopped trusting her to
keep my confidences, big
or small.
Do our partners need
to know all these little
things? I don’t think so. I
talked with Hubs before
writing this column
(something I rarely do!)
and he and I both agreed
on this. Neither of us,
in these situations, are
telling lies to disguise our
true identities from one
another.
Sharing becomes tricky
though, when it involves
bigger issues. What if my
son goes to my husband
about something and asks
him not to tell me? Yikes.
While I know I don’t need
to know everything about
my kids, I admit, I kind of
want to. That said, I trust
Hubs enough to tell me
what I need to know. That
was tough to type, simply
because - my kiddos!
Thankfully, we communicate
pretty well (Bcommunicators?
Please
see last week’s column for
clarity.) Because of the
good and open communication,
we both know
what needs to be shared
and what doesn’t.
Sharing can also become
tricky if we tell little
lies consistently, when we
do begin to hide part of
our life from our spouse.
The more we hide our true
selves the more we step
away from others. Over
time, we create emotional
distance. The small, consistent
lies add up to a big
old life of lies.
So what do we share
and what do we keep
private? It’s different for
every relationship, I think.
If we truly know our partners
and know ourselves,
a few secrets here and
there are healthy. Hubs
doesn’t need to know just
how much green juice I
buy every week, right?
What do you think?
How much do you share
with your spouse? Let us
know.
Nina Vallone lives in Lake
Forest with her Hubs, two
teenagers and her dog, Coco.
She’s on a quest to write what
she talks about: life, love and
the pursuit of getting up after
falling, repeatedly. You can
find Nina blogging at chicagonow.com/you-know-neen.
nfyn
From Page 4
Chicago but first developed
his ideas about moral
injury while working in
the area of pediatric disaster
response and first responder
preparation.
The retreats give veterans
the opportunity to reveal
experiences they have
held secret to civilians and
fellow warriors.
Sternberg said treatment
with drugs and traditional
psychotherapy have shown
only limited success “because
it doesn’t get at this
basic moral breakdown. It
doesn’t heal the split.”
That is where the retreats
come in. There have
been two four-day retreats
to date, with another
scheduled for Nov. 13-17.
They are composed of 20-
27 people, 60 percent of
whom are veterans and the
remainder are civilians.
The veterans range in age
from the 70s to 20s.
Reporting by Alan P. Henry,
Freelance Reporter. Full
story at NorthbrookTower.
com.
THE WINNETKA CURRENT
Winnetka presents
preservation awards,
business construction
extensions
At Winnetka’s Oct. 4
Village Council meeting,
the Village had the
chance to salute historic
preservation efforts going
on in town. According to
the Winnetka Landmark
Preservation Commission,
seven Winnetka property
owners and corresponding
architects were recently
able to restore properties
that contained historic
character. In a memo to
the Council, village planning
assistant Ann Klaassen
said Village Preservation
Awards are given to
people who help retain the
uniqueness of Winnetka.
“The Preservation
Awards program seeks to
honor those construction
projects in the village that
have helped preserve the
history and character of
the village,” Klaassen said.
Six of the awarded properties
were rehabilitation
projects in different parts
of the Village and the seventh
honor went to the
owners and architect of a
home that was designed by
noted 20th century architect
David Adler.
According to Winnetka
Landmark Preservation
Commission chairwoman
Louise Holland, after becoming
dilapidated, the
Adler house was moved
and restored from its original
location on Laurel
Avenue to its current spot
on Burr Avenue. According
to the commission,
the restored home features
a new garage and better
landscaping.
Reporting by Daniel I. Dorfman,
Freelance Reporter.
Full story at WinnetkaCurrent.com.
THE HIGHLAND PARK LANDMARK
Residens call BDR3 ‘a
punishment’ for failed
referendum
The Highland Park District
112 School Board
met for the committee of
the whole meeting Oct. 4
to discuss new and previously
drafted options for
school boundaries with
BDR3 — a school closing
plan that would eliminate
four elementary schools
and one middle school in
the district.
Chief Technology Officer
John Petzke went
over the original drafts for
BDR3, which were presented
to the board at its
Sept. 20 meeting, and then
presented four revisions to
the original drafts.
Members of the community
were made aware
of the drafts and their revisions,
and 32 residents,
parents and community
members expressed their
disapproval of them during
the public comment
portion of the meeting.
Some accused the board
members of implementing
BDR3 as a way to “punish
the community” for not
passing the March referendum.
“BDR3 seems very retaliatory,“
Highland Park
resident Meghan Poulsom
said. “It seems like we’re
being punished for not
passing the plan. I think
it’s ridiculous.”
Much of the concern
dealt with parents worrying
about their children
being taken out of their
neighborhood schools.
Another large concern
expressed during public
comment was that residents
will have a difficult
time selling their homes
because of BDR3.
Reporting by Erin Yarnall,
Freelance Reporter. Full
story at HPLandmark.com.