BeatRoute Magazine Alberta print e-edition - November 2016

THE VIDIOT
rewind to the future
by Shane Sellar
Ghostbusters
The Legend of Tarzan
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
The Purge: Election Year
X-Men: Apocalypse
FILM
Ghostbusters
Female Ghostbusters are better because you get to
pay them 40 per cent less than their male counterparts.
Unfortunately, the gender wage gap doesn’t
benefit the entrepreneurs in this comedy.
When a book Dr. Gilbert (Kristen Wiig) cowrote
on ghosts with her estranged colleague
Dr. Yates (Melissa McCarthy) is reprinted, its
supernatural contents threaten her bid for college
tenure.
To stop the publication, however, she must join
Yates’ ghost hunting team (Kate McKinnon, Leslie
Jones), who are currently engaged in a conflict
with a deranged genius (Neil Casey) intent on
opening a portal to another dimension.
While the all-female cast brings a fresh perspective
to the mythos, this re-working of the original
is too haunted by its predecessor to be its own
movie. Not to mention its ghastly script, flat jokes
and lackluster special effects.
Moreover, ghosts from the 1800s would be
aghast to see these Ghostbusters in public unaccompanied
by their husbands.
The Legend of Tarzan
The upside to being raised by apes is you keep your
human friends lice free.
Mind you, the simian-reared aristocrat in this
action-adventure abhors his heritage.
Lord Greystoke (Alexander Skarsgård), née
Tarzan, must return to the jungle that he was
marooned in as an infant to prevent its enslavement
at the hands of the Belgium King who has
deployed an evil envoy (Christoph Waltz) to reap
it riches.
Accompanied by his wife Jane (Margot Robbie)
and an American businessman (Samuel L. Jackson),
the ape-man soon learns he was really lured
back by a vengeful chieftain (Djimon Hounsou).
Despite some questionable special effects and
a few bad one-liners, Legend is the most comprehensive
and visually thrilling interpretation of
Edgar Rice Burroughs’ character yet. Moreover, it
finally adds a self-reliant Jane to the mainly misogynistic
mythos.
Fortunately, when your in-laws are apes you
don’t have to set your bathroom standards so
high.
Lights Out
Sleeping with the lights on is stupid. I mean, who
wants to watch the monster-under-the-bed eat their
legs?
Luckily, the restless spirit in this horror movie
vanishes in illumination.
With her younger brother (Gabriel Bateman)
suffering from insomnia, and her bipolar mother
(Maria Bello) talking to her imaginary friend, estranged
daughter Rebecca (Teresa Palmer) returns
to the fold to assist.
She quickly discovers that her brother and
mother’s problems stem from a shadowy figure
that stalks the household under the cover of darkness,
yet evaporates when the lights are switched
on.
A clever creature feature that prays on our
inherent fear of the dark, this low-budget thriller
doesn’t skimp on the scares. Moreover, it uses resourcefulness
to execute the melancholy narrative
about mental health. The only bone of contention
is with its clichéd creature design.
Ironically, when making love to a monster most
prefer to keep the lights off.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates
Bringing a date to a wedding is important because it
keeps the groom from hitting on you.
Awkwardly, the groom in this comedy is their
soon-to-be brother-in-law.
To avoid any embarrassment at the hands of
their loser sons, Mike (Adam DeVine) and Dave’s
(Zac Efron) parents order them to bring dates to
their sister’s Hawaiian nuptials.
Placing an expense-paid offer online lands
the boys national attention and two party girls
(Aubrey Plaza, Anna Kendrick) posing as a teacher
and a stockbroker.
During their prize-winning vacation, however,
the bad girls drop their goody-two-shoes guises
and give the irresponsible brothers a run for their
money.
A raunchy yet run-of-the-mill rom-com about
unscrupulous characters saving the day in an
unconventional way, Mike and Dave delivers a few
decent laughs thanks to its male leads, but ends
up just aping other wedding movies.
Moreover, a Hawaiian wedding is a great way to
bankrupt all your closest friends.
The Purge: Election Year
If you really want the right to kill whomever you
want with no consequences, become a cop in the
United States.
Ironically, all law enforcement gets the night off
in this action-horror movie.
With the run for the White House in full swing,
purge opponent and presidential hopeful Senator
Roan (Elizabeth Mitchell) vows to stay out home
during this year’s public culling to prove that she is
for the people.
The New Founding Fathers’ candidate (Kyle Secor),
however, plans to use the night’s lawlessness
to eliminate her. Now, Roan and her bodyguard
(Frank Grillo) must stay one-step ahead.
More politically motivated than purge related,
this second sequel in the anarchic series may be
timely but its lampoon of modern-day Republicans
is too on the nose and less interesting than
the mindless destruction happening outside.
Sadly, younger voters are more likely to stay
home on Election Day than on Purge Day.
Swiss Army Man
The worst thing about being a Swiss Army Man is
TSA confiscates you before every flight.
Luckily, the multi-purpose corpse in this dark
comedy has its own means of propulsion.
When a flatulent cadaver, Manny (Daniel
Radcliffe), washes up on the shores of Hank’s (Paul
Dano) deserted island, he rides the gassy stiff back
to civilization.
Lost in the thickets, Hank uses Manny’s erection
to navigate. En route, he teaches the carcass about
love using Sarah (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) as an
example. Now, Manny wants to find Sarah so he
can confess his love for her.
A divisive film if ever there was one, Swiss Army
Man attempts to dissect deep psychological issues
using dead dick and fart jokes to do it. The only
problem is that none of it is humorous, quirky or
otherwise.
Incidentally, when a cadaver washes up on your
deserted island, their 10 favourite albums belong
to you. ​
X-Men: Apocalypse
The worst part about being a mutant teenager is
your nocturnal emissions melt the bed.
Ocular emissions are also a pubescent problem
in this action/fantasy.
The world’s first mutant Apocalypse (Oscar
Isaac) awakens in the Eighties and hastily ensembles
an army of mutants (Michael Fassbender,
Olivia Munn, Alexandra Shipp, Ben Hardy) to help
him enslave the multitudes.
With Professor X’s (James McAvoy) mind
breached, it’s up to a batch of new recruits (Tye
Sheridan, Sophie Turner, Kodi Smit-McPhee, Lana
Condor) led by Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) to
impede the ancient evil before it can use Xavier’s
telepathy to subjugate both human and mutant
kind.
With a poorly designed villain perpetrating a
predictable bid for world domination, this latest
installment in the tepid franchise suffers from too
many X-Men with too little character development
between them. Meanwhile, the overblown
action scenes feel contrived.
Besides, according to the Bible, Jesus was the
first mutant.
He’s a Kindred Spiritualist. He’s the…
Vidiot
BEATROUTE • NOVEMBER 2016 | 23