Viva Lewes Issue #128 May 2017

COLUMN
East of Earwig
Close to the borderline
Photo montage by Mark Bridge
I'm no John Simpson, sadly. I cannot claim much
expertise on world affairs. Just as regrettably,
I'm no Rageh Omaar, the journalist who became
known as the 'scud stud' when the Iraq War
started in 2003. It's a shame because I reckon an
alliterative upbeat nickname - perhaps 'the Ringmer
reporting Romeo' - would suit me. But, as so
often happens, I'm digressing.
The last few weeks have seen an assortment of
potentially world-changing events passing into
history. The UK triggered Article 50 of the Treaty
on European Union, starting a countdown to
leaving the EU. Michael Howard suggested that
our country could go to war with Spain. And the
USA launched an attack against Syria, prompting
a critical Russian response. (At the time of writing,
nuclear conflict with North Korea is pending.)
To top it all, my editor emailed me to say that this
month's magazine would have an overall theme of
'going out'.
The more I thought about it, the more it seemed
a good idea for us Ringmerites to take this advice
literally. It was time for Ringmer to go out, to
declare independence from Lewes District, from
East Sussex and from England. We could isolate
ourselves from world events and enjoy a bucolic
existence, erecting hay-bale barricades on the
B2192 and issuing our own hand-knitted passports.
But would this be a good idea - or would we
be opening ourselves up to the risk of attack?
Yes, seriously. Our location and our natural
resources would almost certainly make us an
economic threat to those living down the hill in
Lewes. Tired of drinking café cortado and eating
sour-dough sandwiches, Lewesians might want
to raid Ringmer's allotments for fresh fruit and
vegetables. When Harvey's Best bitter became
too familiar, the Lewes warriors would be heading
for Turners Brewery. Our prized local landmarks,
such as the sewage works, would become military
targets. And we've got an undefended pond, too.
We villagers would be ready, naturally. The first
wave of attackers would be repelled by frenzied
geese from the Raystede sanctuary, where our
fighting force would have been readied with a
special sugary diet of stale doughnuts. Next, the
gin-drinkers of Ringmer would use their collection
of hedgerow-harvested sloes to pelt the incoming
army. Pity the poor soldier that inadvertently
swallowed one. And if any pecked, bruised,
dry-mouthed fighters remained, we'd switch the
Glyndebourne wind turbine into reverse and blow
them back down the road.
Of course, all this conflict could be avoided with
negotiations and some friendly cross-border
arrangements. Instead of a battle, we should celebrate
our heritage by having a traditional grumble
and then hosting a celebratory street party that
would match the joy of VE-Day. Come on, Lewes
– you can provide the beer and the organic salad.
And we'll promise not to invade.
Mark Bridge
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