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There seems to be a contradiction in having a<br />

wedding at a place where you will be pooping<br />

in a hole and then requesting that people not<br />

wear jeans.<br />

said sorry, but no. I didn’t have money for the dress. She graciously offered to buy<br />

it, along with a teary explanation that the day just wouldn’t be the same without<br />

me. I humbly accepted her offer. Months later, she “caught” me buying an iced<br />

coffee. She gave me a look typically reserved for toddlers caught sneaking<br />

candy, and informed me that maybe I would have money for a dress if I wasn’t so<br />

frivolous. I assumed she was high from glue gun fumes, but you never know. She<br />

had the same uppity attitude right up until the wedding.<br />

I was also invited to a campground wedding. And that sounds like a lot of fun,<br />

right? But clearly the bride had her own vision of a camp wedding. Oddly, the<br />

invite said that “jeans are great for home, but we’re going upscale.” There seems<br />

to be a contradiction in having a wedding at a place where you will be pooping<br />

in a hole and then requesting that people not wear jeans. There was also a<br />

suggested color palette. Making your friends and family match the tablecloths<br />

and napkins seems like a pretty extreme request in any situation, but especially<br />

one where doing the Electric Slide requires a dust mask.<br />

Old people like to get wedding crazy too, although a different breed of crazy than<br />

the bride. I was recently at a wedding where the bride requested that Grandma<br />

have a minder. I don’t know how the one college-aged grandkid, who I’ll call<br />

Sideboob, got the job, but she was in charge of Grandma from start to finish.<br />

Now, poor Sideboob had her hands full because she was inexperienced enough<br />

with cocktail wear to not understand the problems that will arise when you don’t<br />

quite fill out the top of your dress. She knows now what seems to be a minor<br />

“eh, who cares, it’ll be fine” in the dressing room, will result in an evening of<br />

vigilantly protecting your entire breast from flopping out in front of your family<br />

and friends. Sideboob was often pre-occupied with a tuck-in maneuver, so she<br />

would miss Grandma sneaking away to get a cocktail. This was a sassy Grandma.<br />

Soon enough, she was a saucy Grandma as well. Someone should have come in<br />

to relieve SB of her duties, but back-up never arrived and she was left tucking<br />

and chasing until the DJ sent us all home.<br />

I like to think when I am old I will drink and wear and eat whatever I want,<br />

whenever I want. If I have a walker, it will have tennis balls on the bottom and I<br />

won’t give a shit about knocking people over with it. Even at a wedding. This is<br />

probably why someday if my future grandkid is a crazy bride, she will also ask<br />

that I have a minder. “Grandma is nuts. Someone keep an eye on her,” she’ll say<br />

as she is decorating my walker in streamers. Specially ordered streamers, of<br />

course. Dyed to match the tablecloths and freshly glue-gunned centerpieces.

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