CCChat_2

He possibly was all of the
descriptions…he was possibly weak
when he pushed me over for asking a
question he did not want to answer, or
when he knocked my jaw out of
alignment on another occasion. He
was probably immature when he tried
to tear our child from my arms when I
said I was leaving him, or when he
later came upstairs and forced me to
“to prove that he loves me”. And on
another occasion when I had tried to
end the relationship after a
particularly bad attack, he maybe did
believe that he loved me when he
bombarded me with tears and flowers
and phonecalls until I took him back. I
know I believed him.
Life can change in a heartbeat but the
fear remains for a long time. Leaving
an abusive relationship is usually just
the beginning of the journey for
survivors.
For most recovery is a long road with
many pitfalls, not least facing the
societal reaction to abuse.
I pressed charges, but thousands don’t.
I can understand why they don’t. I
remember deliberating over this for
several days. I couldn’t eat and I
couldn’t sleep, I wanted it to stop, the
abuse, the fear…then I told the
university.
“he maybe did believe that he loved me when he bombarded me
with tears and flowers and phonecalls until I took him back. I know I
believed him. ”
The abuser, rapist, coercive controller
can look charming to other people.
When I left him, he would ask people
to look out for me and report to him if
they saw me, and people would comply
because he was so genuine and they
wanted to help him avoid a ‘scene’;
should I arrive in all my hysteria.
He would then appear at the
coordinates given. Maybe it is easier to
view a woman as a potential hysteric
rather than a man as a potential
abuser?
The reality often looks rather different
to the perceptions. Friends and even
family members distance themselves,
institutions (supposedly unbiased)
choose sides.
Their reaction shocked me at the time
as I always believed that support
would be forthcoming. I, who already
had crippling moments of doubt, was
told to think about how it felt for my
abuser that I had pressed charges.
I was asked on the phone before any
arrangements were made for me, to
think about how I imagined he was
feeling? Not once did she ask how I
was feeling. How it had felt to describe
scenes of violence to the police,
support workers, family, close friends.
But I had to try and put myself in his
shoes.
Rebecca