Metro Spirit - 09.14.17
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V28|NO37<br />
to wait til Sunday night to buy bread and<br />
milk. The shelves will be empty already<br />
as vast hordes descend on grocery<br />
stores. If you wait, the only thing left<br />
will be potted meat and knock-off brand<br />
cereal with such names as ‘RaisinO’s’ and<br />
‘CheeriBran.’”<br />
The sheriff then warned citizens about<br />
staring into the solar eclipse.<br />
“Don’t look at the eclipse, unless of<br />
course you live in the backwoods of<br />
Tennessee,” the sheriff’s office posted.<br />
“In that case no one will hear you scream<br />
as you stumble blindly into a moonshine<br />
still or a bear trap. Millions of Americans<br />
are blinded every week by staring<br />
directly into the sun, eclipse or not. Don’t<br />
do it. Your sunglasses will not protect<br />
you from certain death if you look at the<br />
sun. However, for a mere $29.99 (plus<br />
$9.00 shipping and handling) you can<br />
order ‘stare directly at the sun wearing<br />
these’ glasses from NASA and the Home<br />
Shopping Network.”<br />
And, finally, a general safety tip from<br />
the sheriff’s office for the day.<br />
“Pregnant women should smoke and<br />
drink liquor during the eclipse. This will<br />
prevent radioactive waves from making<br />
your ankles swell and being grouchy<br />
most of the time,” the sheriff’s office<br />
posted. “Meanwhile, your other children<br />
will be on the school bus wondering why<br />
it got dark so early. An afternoon snack<br />
of potted meat will encourage them to<br />
ignore the end of the world as we know<br />
it. Leading scientists tell us that post<br />
eclipse the only two things they expect to<br />
survive are cockroaches and Facebook.<br />
Wait, is that one thing or two things????”<br />
A talented sheriff for sure.<br />
THE FORT GORDON DINNER THEATRE PRESENTS<br />
“No amount of praise<br />
seems excessive, you’ll<br />
either be shivering in your<br />
seat or rolling out of it<br />
with laughter.”<br />
– New York Theatre Voice<br />
“Wonderfully spooky... somewhere between an Agatha Christie mystery and a Hitchcock thriller. Peter Colley sends up<br />
the haunted house bit with witty dialogue and at the next moment interrupts the audiences laughter with a good, heart<br />
thumping scare... a really good ghost story.” – Toronto Globe and Mail<br />
October 6, 7, 13, 14, 19, 20, 21<br />
Doors 6:00 p.m. • Dinner 6:45 p.m. • Show 8:00 p.m.<br />
Jan is a young wife recovering from a nervous disorder. She and her husband rent a remote cabin from an<br />
odd farmer who delights in telling gruesome ghost stories. Then the husband’s strange sister arrives, and all<br />
manner of frightening events occur. What happens to fragile Jan as bodies appear and disappear give this<br />
classic thriller its tremendously frightening impact. Now performed in 31 countries and a major motion picture!<br />
MENU<br />
Fresh Mixed Green Salad accented with Tomatoes, Cucumber, Croutons and Cranberries<br />
Choice of Italian or Ranch Dressing<br />
Lager Marinated Beef Carving Station • Honey Mustard Chicken with Apples<br />
Maple Sugar Grilled Acorn Squash • Multi Blend Cauliflower with Bacon Shallot Butter<br />
Rosemary Fingerling Potatoes • Dinner Rolls • Dessert Station with Assorted Cakes Selection<br />
TICKETS<br />
Civilians: $53<br />
Seniors (65 & over), Retirees, DA Civilians, Active-Duty E7 & above: $50<br />
Active-Duty E6 & below, Students with ID: $40<br />
Coffee & Dessert: $35 | Show only: $28<br />
For reservations, please call 706-793-8552<br />
(SEASON TICKETS NOW AVAILABLE)<br />
14SEPTEMBER2017
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