Valkyrie Fall 2017 - Issue 1

93
1“When I was in the 4th grade, my school had
an annual Field Day with most notably, a water
slide. Two tarps wide, it went down the steepest
hill at our elementary school and was doused
with water and gallons of Sams Club soap.I
launched myself forward, my bony little 4th
grade body stretched out to attain the ultimate
velocity. As I rocketed down the tarp, I noticed
a kid in front of me, also going headfirst on his
stomach, was flailing his arms and legs in order
to go as slowly as possible. It should be noted
that this kid was...large...for his age. As I gained
speed and got closer to the end of the slide, what
happened next is burned into my memory forever.
I couldn’t change course and this kid was
going too slowly. I was launched, face-first, onto
this kid’s pillowy ass.”
-Matt
EMBARRASSING
MOMENTS
By Madison Eiberger, Funk Editor and
Kristin Demorest, Assistant Funk Editor
2“I lost both of my two front teeth during
Christmas break within 2 days of each other.
The first one was from wrestling my cousin.
He slammed me face down into a mattress.
The second fell out while I was eating a grilled
cheese sandwich. I guess I really did want my
two front teeth for Christmas!”
-Lauren
“I was working at this food vendor at the time.
These two really cute guys came up to the register.
I shoved my hands in my pockets and smiled
at them shyly. Someone took their order while
I fawned over them. I was about to start their
food when I nervously looked down. That’s
when I noticed that I had shoved my hands
in my pockets so hard that had been showing
all of my underwear the whole time! When I
looked up, one of the boys was on his phone, but
the other boy smiled and nodded. “
-Kat
4“We were all playing outside and climbing trees
and jumping out into snow banks. I went to
lunge out of the tree to impress Little Johnny,
my neighbor and crush, and never made it
on to the ground. Instead, I got caught on a
branch-suspended by my now ripped underwear...
My legs and arms were flailing, my butt
in the air with the rest of me dangling, and
my posse of ‘friends’ laughing hysterically at
the Frozen Piñata with red butt cheeks dangling
before them...I fell into the embankment
of snow with my bare posterior scratched and
sticking up.”
-Maggie
“I was riding a bike on the road and not the
5sidewalk because I was a dumb freshman and a
car came up behind me. I tried to get onto the
sidewalk while keeping my pace, and I busted it
and landed weird and knew that I had broken
my elbow as soon as it happened. Then, I was
really mad and annoyed that my elbow was broken,
so I got back on the bike and tried to ride to
the Ladd center and fell again. I just walked the
rest of the way. I also was riding to the Beanery
for a shift and they later told me it was an
inconvenience for them that I missed work to go
to the hospital.”
-Becca
6
“I’m a childcare worker at my church, and we
had this one baby with reflux problems. She
threw up at least once a day, if not more, and
was always really fussy. I discovered however,
that she liked to be bounced and she would
“When
often stop crying. One day after she’d been fed
and burped, she was still fussy, so I took her
and decided to bounce her on my stomach. All
the other workers had told me repeatedly that
she would one day throw up on me, but I had
never been worried about it. That was a mistake
because as I was bouncing her, she leaned over
and threw up. Right in my mouth. “
-Ashley
7“I worked in a popular fast-food restaurant. I
was always on the closing shift, which meant
that every so often I got stuck with cleaning
the bathrooms. As I was about to wheel the
bucket out of the bathroom, a popular boy from
my school knocked on the door. Embarrassed,
I excused myself and quickly tried to wheel
the bucket out of the way so he could get into
the bathroom. Unfortunately, I forgot that the
floor between the bathroom and the rest of the
restaurant was uneven. I promptly spilled the
bucket of poo-water all over the floor -- and this
boy’s expensive flip flops.”
-Jessica
8“It was my freshman year of high school and
I was in my last class of the day, which for me
was gym. We were about to have a pep rally
before the first football game of the season, so
it was Free Friday in gym class. Because of
the pep rally, the bleachers in the gym were all
out. My friend and I had a basketball and were
bouncing it up and down the bleachers to each
other. I was standing in the middle with her at
the top. As the senior football players, including
my crush, walked by I said to my friend, ‘Watch
this.’ I took the ball and threw it at the bleachers
to bounce it to her, but it came back at me and
hit me in the nose. I fell down the bleachers and
my crush ran after me. I ended up with a bloody
nose and a concussion.”
-Maggie
9
I was walking back to my dorm in Clara
Hall from Morton Lemley Hall, a female classmate
I knew caught me off guard by riding
past me as I was walking on the sidewalk. For a
split second, I thought I was about to get attack
by bear or a fox or something, and I let out a
defensive yelp as a reflex. It was pretty loud.”
-Luke
4 Funk VALKYRIE 5