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DENTAL CLINIC STEDENWIJK<br />
Would you also like to laugh again?<br />
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DENTAL CLINIC STEDENWIJK<br />
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Address: Venloweg 34<br />
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2
ABOUT KATA KATA CARTOON MAGAZINE<br />
Kata Kata is an authentic African cartoon magazine, which features weekly (online), irresistible<br />
African stories and other satirical African socio-political realities in a cartoon form.<br />
Furthermore, through its social network (Kata Kata Community), it tries to keep those cultural<br />
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In a jovial, funny and yet satirical manner, Kata Kata offers a maxim that life is perhaps not<br />
all about seriousness. One needs some laughs and relaxation to face serious challenges in life.<br />
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3
Kata Kata Team<br />
Editor-in-Chief<br />
Ogo Ubabukoh (M.A)<br />
Chief Cartoonist<br />
Deogratius Okudi<br />
Art/Graphic Editor<br />
Kors de Waard<br />
________________________________<br />
Editorial Advisory Board<br />
Dr Pieternel Drijvers, Dr Ogu Okany, Eng. Dan Olupot,<br />
Dr Beate Ubabukoh<br />
Editorial Researcher<br />
Andrea Schaffner<br />
________________________________<br />
Marketing<br />
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________________________________<br />
Website<br />
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4
INTRODUCING THE CHARACTERS:<br />
5
TABLE OF CONTENTS<br />
PAGES<br />
Agama, Love The Cat And All The Riches Are Yours<br />
Piccolo Answers The Call Of His Village<br />
Nza Wants To Sell The Father, Agama<br />
Useni Gets A Mobile Phone From The Daughter<br />
7 – 11<br />
12 – 17<br />
18 – 22<br />
23 – 28<br />
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6
Agama visits the grannies with the whole family.<br />
My boy, you have<br />
grown much<br />
taller now<br />
Agama, Love The Cat<br />
And All The Riches Are Yours<br />
I would be taller than an iroko tree if<br />
I would consume 3 loaves of bread,<br />
6 eggs and two bottles of cola daily<br />
during the breakfast<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
As if you were<br />
eating like a church rat<br />
when you were a kid<br />
This one continued sucking<br />
my breasts as a child until<br />
he nearly got married<br />
Which breasts?<br />
Those slippers?<br />
Ha-ha<br />
Agama!!!<br />
Heee!!<br />
Don‛t mess up<br />
with my wife<br />
Ha-ha.<br />
useless boy<br />
I often ask myself what<br />
I have been doing with<br />
this your son<br />
As far as you don‛t<br />
mess up with my mum<br />
Don‛t tell us you are tired<br />
of him because we don‛t<br />
want him back.<br />
Have him for keeps<br />
So I‛ve turned into<br />
a rejected second hand<br />
commodity?<br />
Only second hand?<br />
Nothing like tenth hand?<br />
Ha-ha<br />
!<br />
Hallo my<br />
best friend<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
7
FLASHBACK : Nza goes to the granny for holidays<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Doesn‛t he<br />
look so sweet?<br />
who ? Me?<br />
You?<br />
Look at this ugly buffalo.<br />
I mean Jacy, the cat of course<br />
So the cat comes<br />
before me now?<br />
1 hour later.<br />
What type of animal evolutional<br />
promotion is this, eating on<br />
the same table with the cat?<br />
!<br />
!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
8
Did Jacy do anything<br />
to you or did it stop you<br />
from eating?<br />
Animals belong to the bush<br />
and humans home.<br />
What type of mad oyibo<br />
Muzungu tendency is this?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
This is my home and Jacy the cat,<br />
mine. I do what I want;<br />
you do what you want in your home<br />
30 minutes later<br />
Please may I have<br />
some pepper mum?<br />
I hear you!<br />
what‛s wrong<br />
with my boy?<br />
miiiaaawwww!!!<br />
He‛s missing you<br />
later at night. agama and wife are in bed<br />
Eeeee!<br />
Why did you<br />
beat the cat?<br />
Only beating?<br />
Don‛t you have<br />
Batrachotoxin<br />
or other chemicals?<br />
Agama, why are<br />
you so radical?<br />
It‛s just a cat<br />
exactly….<br />
That‛s why it must<br />
be treated so<br />
Don‛t mind the cat episode,<br />
my dear. Come closer to me.<br />
Why are you lying there<br />
looking like a drawing on<br />
the wall?<br />
Don‛t I look nice again?<br />
Woman can‛t you allow<br />
your husband to rest<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
9<br />
Rest ? You Agama,<br />
rest while lying next to me?<br />
This must be serious
6 months later. Granny is seriously sick.<br />
Agama is talking to her lawyer<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
yes,and to the<br />
caretaker<br />
Of mum?<br />
Of the cat<br />
What???<br />
The whole money<br />
for the cat?<br />
God of<br />
Zanzibar!!!<br />
2 days later. Agama is a “Born Again”…. Oh that is so sweet of you.<br />
You had never done this before.<br />
Even though today is not my real birthday,<br />
everyday with you is a unique<br />
birthday for me and…..<br />
Why are you talking in reckless<br />
romantic parables?<br />
What kind of birthday demon<br />
has colonised your cerebellum?<br />
what crime have I committed<br />
again? Just thanking you for<br />
your love. I love the gift…<br />
which gift?<br />
Don‛t you know that today<br />
is Jacy‛s birthday? Haba!<br />
Agama!!!<br />
Which one is this Agama – Agama<br />
attendance call? Or did I tell you<br />
I am lost in the Kalahari Desert?<br />
What type of step – mother are you<br />
that you even forgot the birthday<br />
of your …..<br />
Step what?<br />
Mother of the cat?<br />
Since when is this<br />
artificial love started?<br />
which one is artificial?<br />
Love is love .<br />
not artificial, woman!<br />
Don‛t tell me you have<br />
not sewn nice – nice tunic<br />
for the cat<br />
Since when have you<br />
turned into animal<br />
lover?<br />
You have never heard of Born again?<br />
Why do you have a stone heart, woman?<br />
We – humans, animals and plants - are<br />
all equal creatures of God. Animals<br />
are helpless, someone has to fight<br />
for them; I am ready to die for them<br />
Agama!!<br />
Add“the animal advocate”<br />
you must be<br />
mental or evil…<br />
Agama at Granny‛s house.<br />
Hallo my love.<br />
Happy birthday my<br />
sweet heart<br />
Eeeeee!<br />
Why is this one looking at me<br />
suspiciously like a Taliban fighter?<br />
You don‛t know uncle Agama again?<br />
Haba you forget too soon or you<br />
have Parkinson?<br />
Ahaaa!! Now you are talking.<br />
You are hungry? Eeee please<br />
hunger don‛t disturb my boy<br />
oh! Oya, come and eat..<br />
miiiiaaawwww!!!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
10
www.katakata.org<br />
What type of world of<br />
segregation is this that<br />
animals eat rubbish on<br />
the floor?<br />
miiiiaaawwww!!!<br />
Jacy my love!!<br />
You want to go<br />
to toilet?<br />
Come my dear.<br />
Or you are too shy<br />
for me to clean you<br />
up?<br />
Oya, come and<br />
take siesta with<br />
uncle…<br />
Story ! Story!! story!!!<br />
Once upon a time………<br />
next day<br />
Shikamoo!! Open<br />
your mouth well – well,<br />
my Jacy love‛.<br />
in the afternoon<br />
A female cat comes in<br />
miiiiaaawwww!!!<br />
Habari!!<br />
You are most welcome!!<br />
Oya, where is Jacy?<br />
Come and meet your friend…<br />
Ahaa!! Me, I understand. I am tolerant<br />
about these things. You want me to leave<br />
you alone? I can go inside the room if<br />
you want…<br />
Haba, Me I was in love before when I was young.<br />
I remember those butterfly feelings inside my<br />
stomach. Ahaa, no wonder why Jacy didn‛t eat<br />
much today…Alakwa!!<br />
30 minutes later. Reading over<br />
“contraceptives for Cats”<br />
What?<br />
sorry I meant another<br />
client. Not your mother<br />
Do you have kidney beans<br />
seeds growing in<br />
your brain?<br />
What type of useless<br />
quadratic idiotic animal<br />
are you?<br />
Ring<br />
Ring<br />
Ring<br />
Whots matter with you?<br />
Do I look like a cat or<br />
are we mates? What type<br />
of genetic downgrading<br />
is this?<br />
Where is my<br />
double barrel?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
11<br />
End..
Piccolo Answers The Call Of His Village<br />
In the village square. Getting tired of Piccolo‛s bachelorhood, the elders of his Kata Kata<br />
village have decided to send him an important letter requesting him to return to the village for<br />
an urgent meeting. The big question is not bringing Piccolo to the village but how to do that….!!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Cheeee!<br />
Cheeee!!<br />
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!<br />
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<br />
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!<br />
Cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee<br />
Our old fader say, when<br />
you see toad running in mid day,<br />
it is either because it is looking<br />
for something or the life is in<br />
dangerment.<br />
You talk well!<br />
I hear you<br />
Chief!<br />
So therefore,<br />
I call you elder<br />
here today.<br />
Why because, there<br />
is something very-very<br />
important I wan<br />
discuss with you.<br />
Chief you<br />
do well<br />
Dey say if something<br />
touch the head, it touch<br />
the whole body too.<br />
Dat one is not lie<br />
I call you here,<br />
not because my wives don‛t<br />
cook in time for chief or<br />
dey serve me cold food.<br />
No!<br />
I call you here<br />
because of our son,<br />
Piccolo…<br />
Dat bad<br />
Absalom child?<br />
I call you because<br />
Piccolo problem is<br />
Kata Kata village<br />
problem<br />
God forbid<br />
bad thing!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Tufia kwo!<br />
12
Chief, our ear<br />
is not sleeping!<br />
It is not mad man<br />
dat is ashamed of his<br />
nakedment, but his<br />
elders en village<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Our old – old fader say, goat<br />
must not die in de stable when<br />
old person is home<br />
Chief, we<br />
hear you<br />
Lie – lie!!<br />
I call you here,<br />
why because, Piccolo problem<br />
is Kata kata village problem.<br />
Why because Piccolo nakedment<br />
shame us plenty – plenty.<br />
Or I talk lie?<br />
Chief you<br />
talk true<br />
So whot we do<br />
about dis problem?<br />
God bless<br />
you chief<br />
1 week later. Piccolo is at home with the girl friend<br />
Men, each time<br />
I receive a damn letter<br />
from those worthless<br />
Guinea fowls, I kinda<br />
watch out<br />
You really have<br />
bad mouth.<br />
Which one is<br />
Guinea fowl again?<br />
You bloody believe those<br />
suckers in the village gotta<br />
something better upstairs rather<br />
than incubating multiple kids and<br />
making rigid rules?<br />
Incubating kids indeed!<br />
You may have to buy the<br />
machine from them or go<br />
for an apprenticeship<br />
there<br />
I gotta nothing to do<br />
with those self proclaimed<br />
village Solomons.<br />
Yea, Piccolo gotta no time<br />
for the bully bull shits<br />
You must go and<br />
answer their call.<br />
The letter says someone<br />
is about to die<br />
Hey hold it.<br />
Don‛t dare must me. Ok?<br />
Nothing must, except death.<br />
Alright?<br />
Yea, someone gonna die,<br />
but not Piccolo<br />
Ok. Sorry if you<br />
take it that way…<br />
Men, I gotta no time,<br />
going down there each time any of<br />
them wakes up after drinking local beer<br />
and harassing the wives, only to write<br />
a silly mail to Piccolo demanding<br />
that I come home.<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
13
www.katakata.org<br />
But they just do so<br />
because they try to discuss<br />
social <strong>issue</strong>s democratically<br />
and……<br />
Wao! Wao!!<br />
Talking about damn democracy,<br />
you bloody think any of those self<br />
proclaimed Methuselahs would ever<br />
honour my invitation if<br />
I summon them to my<br />
palace here?<br />
Honey, you are<br />
right, but…..<br />
Shiiiii! Stop!!<br />
That is all I wanna hear.<br />
I am right!<br />
2 weeks later. Piccolo is in the village with the elders<br />
Our son, you do<br />
very well come<br />
cool dude!<br />
Me, I tell you<br />
million time not to call<br />
me dat Jude or tude again!<br />
You have madness inside<br />
your head? Or madness<br />
have room in your<br />
family?<br />
Watch you<br />
monstrous mouth boy.<br />
Yea, you kinda right<br />
about dude stuff.<br />
What‛s your bloody<br />
name?<br />
Chief!<br />
I mean you<br />
damn real name,<br />
men<br />
Which one is<br />
“real name?”<br />
You never hear dat name,<br />
“chief” before?<br />
Or your ear get rust?<br />
Eeee! Dis one<br />
different dan de fader.<br />
De fader respect – respect<br />
people very well<br />
Who know how he<br />
manage enter de<br />
mama stomach<br />
Our son,<br />
we welcome you plenty.<br />
We wan know whot is<br />
inside your mind<br />
all this time<br />
We wan know<br />
whot is your<br />
angerment?<br />
Anger?<br />
I damn not angry!!<br />
Why, man?<br />
Ammm.., our son,<br />
our grand - grand elder<br />
say, when you tell a child<br />
proverb en explain it<br />
yourself, it not more<br />
proverb<br />
Excuse me!<br />
Don‛t catch it, boy<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
14
Men, Why all the bloody speaking in tongues?<br />
I am getting bloody tired of you esoteric<br />
language. Why can‛t you go straight to what<br />
you wanna…..<br />
Chief maybe,<br />
he don understand your<br />
language again<br />
Our son, we wan know<br />
whether you still have<br />
something between your leg.<br />
If yes, whot is de problem?<br />
De razor is not sharp or<br />
de barber cannot<br />
barber well?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Holy<br />
Judas Iscariot!<br />
Or I ask wrong?<br />
There is sense<br />
in whot you ask<br />
Bloody hell!<br />
I am damn tired of your<br />
local philosophy.<br />
What are you trying<br />
to imply?<br />
We wan know<br />
whether you not tire<br />
of bachelorment<br />
Bachelorhood?<br />
Men, why are you<br />
interested in my<br />
damn life?<br />
Dat you don even<br />
know why we interest for<br />
your life, show your<br />
sickness serious<br />
Holy<br />
Nebuchadnezzar!!<br />
You hear him?<br />
Since when Nebuchadnezzar<br />
become holy?<br />
I tell you dis man crazy<br />
So our son,<br />
you don have problem or<br />
shame because of not<br />
getting children?<br />
Getting children?<br />
I don‛t wanna no<br />
kids, men<br />
Please don let<br />
outsider hear dat one?<br />
You don‛t wan child?<br />
Your head correct<br />
at all? Is not somebody dat<br />
born you? You don wan<br />
born other person?<br />
It was the damn problem<br />
of my dad and Mum if they bloody decided<br />
to have a child. Piccolo doesn‛t subscribe<br />
to the damn child – dad ideology.<br />
I am happy with my babe.<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
15
www.katakata.org<br />
Me, I don understand.<br />
You don wan child.<br />
Now you say you happy with<br />
your babe. You have child?<br />
You don‛t catch it.<br />
I am happy with my<br />
girlfriend.<br />
So he still use his mouth to<br />
say he happy? Dat you still happy<br />
without child, mean something is<br />
missing inside your head.<br />
Which head?<br />
You call dat<br />
one head?<br />
wait our son.<br />
Me, I have one simple but important<br />
question for you. If you die now, who<br />
will take over you name? Or you want<br />
tell me “bloody - bloody” again?<br />
Holy hell!<br />
Who gives a shit after death?<br />
Piccolo is dead and that is it.<br />
Why should I bloody bother<br />
about what happens thereafter?<br />
It is local insane, boy!!<br />
Chief, you sure we<br />
don look for doktor<br />
for dis mad person?<br />
Wait. You say you<br />
happy with your woman.<br />
Or my ear knock<br />
engine?<br />
Sure, your ears are bloody<br />
functional and you heard damn good,<br />
that I am goddamn happy with<br />
my woman.<br />
Flashback: “Piccolo visits his village”<br />
Which woman?<br />
De same you come<br />
de last time with?<br />
You damn correct.<br />
You see, we are still<br />
together happily all<br />
these years….<br />
immediately!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Dat is why I think your<br />
head need to go to mechanic<br />
garage.<br />
16<br />
You happy dat you<br />
still stay with dat one.<br />
She still see her<br />
flower?<br />
Her flower?<br />
What bull shit<br />
you talking?
Of course, if she<br />
still see de flower,<br />
he suppose know whot<br />
dat one mean<br />
Hey dudes, you damn<br />
getting on my nerves now.<br />
You don‛t mean you called<br />
me here to talk these<br />
holy shits?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
My son, which shit is<br />
inside our question and<br />
concern dat you marry and get<br />
children? Dat one wrong?<br />
Maybe, he hear<br />
you better.<br />
Help me ask him<br />
whether his old tipper woman<br />
friend still see her flower<br />
every month, talk less to have<br />
baby in de future<br />
You say you happy with<br />
de old woman. Whot happen when<br />
she get old without baby?<br />
We have many nice – nice girl in<br />
village, who will take good<br />
care of you.<br />
Jesus Christ!!<br />
Did I tell you my girlfriend<br />
is not taking good<br />
care of…<br />
Whot is dis<br />
girlfriend – girlfriend<br />
nonsense?<br />
You wan have<br />
girlfriend till you die?<br />
You never hear about exam?<br />
You don wan pass girlfriend exam<br />
en go to husband class?<br />
You talk true!<br />
I hear you<br />
chief!<br />
Mennnnnnnnnnnn!!!<br />
Ok, ok, ok.<br />
Guess what?<br />
I am gonna think<br />
about it and get back<br />
to you.<br />
Aha!!<br />
Now you are<br />
talking,<br />
our son!<br />
God bless<br />
you my son<br />
Yea, I am talking<br />
bloody sense.<br />
Gotta go now<br />
“It is my life,<br />
It is my life….”<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
17<br />
End.
Wants To Sell The Father, Agama.<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Nza, Agama & wife are about to go to bed.<br />
Nza wants to talk to the parent<br />
Papa and mum,<br />
me I want to talk<br />
to you<br />
To us two?<br />
What is it<br />
my dear?<br />
Maybe<br />
I first sleep<br />
over it before<br />
I talk<br />
So what you want to tell us just came to<br />
your head now? Maybe you let it grow,<br />
mature and get old before you talk to us.<br />
So go and sleep<br />
Let the<br />
poor boy talk<br />
Who is<br />
the poor boy?<br />
This one?<br />
Papa you<br />
want to finish<br />
me again?<br />
what<br />
is there to<br />
finish?<br />
Let him<br />
go and sleep<br />
Did I tie him like Abraham<br />
tied Isaac? I hope you and<br />
your son are not planning any<br />
coup against Agama again?<br />
You must be a military<br />
dictator!<br />
You are not well!<br />
Don‛t mind<br />
him, go and<br />
sleep<br />
The next day<br />
Papa, me I‛ve<br />
google analysed everything<br />
last night during sleep.<br />
Let‛s talk Man to man<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
18
www.katakata.org<br />
Ha-ha…<br />
I hear you! Man to Man!<br />
I am sure you‛re suffering<br />
from brain acrobat<br />
Yes, each time<br />
I think of this problem<br />
my brain makes acrobatic<br />
turning riot<br />
Which<br />
brain?<br />
My friend, go<br />
ahead and tell me what you<br />
want to tell me.<br />
I hope you will not stand up<br />
anytime they ask people who<br />
have brain to.<br />
The one<br />
inside my head,<br />
papa<br />
Haba!<br />
Papa me I have brain.<br />
Good brain.<br />
A- Type, 5 -Star<br />
I hear you! Brain merchant!<br />
Now go ahead with your discussion<br />
and stop this your nonsensical<br />
higgidy-piggidy.<br />
Papa, me<br />
I‛ve a question.<br />
Papa, me I am<br />
very serious<br />
So you want to<br />
start my early morning with<br />
question question?<br />
What is<br />
your question?<br />
Since I was born,<br />
what have you done<br />
for me?<br />
Wot?<br />
Is this boy suffering from<br />
brain contaminational<br />
congealment or what?<br />
Papa, My brain is not<br />
infected. Not congeal.<br />
Still flowing like<br />
River Niger<br />
Then what is this court<br />
questioning for?<br />
Do you have dry kidney bean<br />
seeds in your head or what?<br />
But Papa…<br />
look at how this rat puts his hands<br />
on his hips and Al Qaeda query me<br />
“what have you done for me?”<br />
Heee, Agama you have cooled down<br />
But Papa…<br />
If it were when Agama was Agama,<br />
I would have Kung Fu you till you<br />
gas from you ear and nose …..<br />
Not only that, after that, I would have<br />
forward matched to the police station<br />
without fear or favour and reported<br />
myself for child mishandle and ended my<br />
report with “signed Agama”<br />
But papa what do you mean by if<br />
it were when you were Agama?<br />
But you were and are still my<br />
original papa without dilution<br />
now?<br />
Papa…<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
19
www.katakata.org<br />
No, your papa you know now<br />
is a different papa otherwise<br />
you would not have been there<br />
questioning me, your father<br />
like a criminal. Haba!<br />
But papa, me I am not<br />
questioning you. Me, I just<br />
want to make sure I check<br />
my facts well before I…<br />
Now what is<br />
that you want to say?<br />
Me, I am losing my hot<br />
temperature on you<br />
Which facts?<br />
what is all the<br />
argument for? Why<br />
can‛t you talk to<br />
your son without<br />
shouting?<br />
Now you make sure<br />
you remain inside that<br />
room before I get<br />
angrier<br />
You are<br />
always angry<br />
Papa...<br />
Which one is<br />
“Papa” again?<br />
I was asking<br />
what you did…..<br />
Is this boy‛s<br />
brain dry like car<br />
battery or what?<br />
Who has been<br />
paying your school fees?<br />
What of Boys‛ Scouts? And<br />
your feeding, clothes ….<br />
Shall I continue?<br />
Papa don‛t you<br />
think money fits me<br />
like clothes?<br />
Which money?<br />
Heee!<br />
Agama, tell yourself<br />
your ears are not<br />
suffering from<br />
elephantiasis.<br />
Me I‛ve thought<br />
and come to conclude<br />
conclusion that I‛ve to do<br />
something to better<br />
my life.<br />
But the question<br />
is why? If you don‛t know<br />
why, you might not know<br />
how to go about it?<br />
Papa, because<br />
you‛re not doing much,<br />
and you cannot do much<br />
for me. And….<br />
Heee, Agama<br />
there is nothing your<br />
ears cannot hear.<br />
It‛s always<br />
good to better<br />
someone‛s life.<br />
First go and ask your mother what<br />
I do 3 times per week before you have<br />
the audacity to talk nonsense.<br />
Look at him ”You cannot do much”<br />
I say first go and do what I do before<br />
you call yourself a man.<br />
Now evaporate from my sight and bury<br />
yourself in your book before …….<br />
Papa, me I‛ve thought<br />
very well, me I don‛t have<br />
any bright future.<br />
No savings, no upstairs,<br />
No nice car..<br />
In fact other kids …..<br />
But papa…<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
20
www.katakata.org<br />
ha ha ha<br />
You want upstairs,<br />
cars, bank account<br />
in Switzerland?<br />
Papa that one<br />
is not too bad.<br />
If you add two industries<br />
too, that one even better<br />
Now enough of the nonsense.<br />
You leave here before I kick you like<br />
a football. When I was your age, the<br />
only thing my father left for me was<br />
a hoe, cutlass and knife. I had to<br />
work hard to be what I am today……<br />
But Papa granny<br />
said you were very<br />
lazy as a child<br />
Now leave here!<br />
Heee, Agama I am sorry<br />
for yourself for borning<br />
this idiot.<br />
Papa like I was<br />
saying, due to uncertainty of my<br />
future, me I am negotiating with some<br />
Native doctors and kidnapers<br />
to sell you and raise money<br />
to make my future bright<br />
native doctor & kidnappers<br />
Agama<br />
hear your only son!!<br />
God forbid bad thing!<br />
But papa why<br />
are your crying now?<br />
At least you have lived long,<br />
enjoyed yourself,<br />
but me I still…..<br />
Oya where is your mother? Come and help me<br />
hear the abomination coming from your son‛s<br />
mouth before you start your<br />
“leave the poor boy alone”<br />
it is you that I will sell first but the only thing is<br />
that even if they use you for sacrifice it will not work.<br />
It will only bring bad omen because even the gods<br />
know how useless you are.<br />
Didn‛t you tell me<br />
some minutes ago I should<br />
remain inside?<br />
Your curfew is still<br />
in effect.<br />
Why do you<br />
want me now?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
21
www.katakata.org<br />
Papa you can still<br />
negotiate oh, but at this stage,<br />
you negotiate directly with<br />
the interested parties<br />
Native doctors<br />
and kidnappers?<br />
Abi?<br />
Interested<br />
parties?<br />
One time,<br />
one time!<br />
You are still<br />
talking the abomination with this<br />
your mouth you use in<br />
eating yam and fufu?<br />
Don‛t worry<br />
I will erase that your<br />
uselessness<br />
immediately.<br />
Oya call<br />
your mother<br />
Oya bring me<br />
soap and water<br />
crazy?Paaaa….<br />
Are you<br />
red pepper<br />
This is the<br />
beginning.<br />
I am sure before<br />
tomorrow your senses<br />
will come back with the<br />
speed of concord.<br />
After washing<br />
your abominable mouth<br />
with this Omo Soap, I will<br />
spice your ass with<br />
red pepper.<br />
the end.<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
22
USENI GETS A MOBILE PHONE FROM THE DAUGHTER<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
My daughter, me I<br />
worry - worry over you.<br />
Since you marry, you don come<br />
back home again quick - quick<br />
visit your old papa.<br />
Dat one good?<br />
You hear her?<br />
I worry about my daughter,<br />
she say I complain.<br />
Useni there is nothing your<br />
ear no hear.<br />
Papa you<br />
complain<br />
a lot<br />
Ok Useni<br />
swallow your love<br />
worry. You now happy<br />
I swallow my<br />
complain?<br />
Papa I know you<br />
care but you don‛t expect that<br />
I come home every time to see you.<br />
I am busy with work. Moreover,<br />
my husband needs my<br />
attention<br />
Heee, Useni<br />
hear your daughter!<br />
So your husband now<br />
coup overthrow your father?<br />
Your original father!<br />
Useni there is nothing you<br />
don hear from dis your<br />
daughter.<br />
Papa!<br />
My daughter<br />
I only wan ask you one thing.<br />
So your husband more<br />
important dan your<br />
father now?<br />
Papa why do you<br />
like to put words<br />
into my mouth<br />
How I put word<br />
inside your mouth?<br />
You see me carry spoon in my<br />
hand? Which accusement is<br />
dat again?<br />
So papa all the<br />
things I do for you are<br />
not enough?<br />
You know I love you so<br />
much and you know I….<br />
You talk<br />
love - love, but common come<br />
home see your papa you tell me<br />
“my husband, my work.”<br />
Eee dat one no good my<br />
daughter.<br />
Ok, papa I<br />
understand. I will try<br />
and come home more often<br />
Me I wan see<br />
you en hear your<br />
voice more my<br />
daughter<br />
Try my daughter<br />
I‛ve an idea.<br />
Maybe I‛ve to buy a phone<br />
for you so that we can<br />
talk and you hear my<br />
voice more often<br />
Wait my daughter,<br />
you know your papa old ear<br />
rust - rust like metal, so therefore,<br />
me I no hear well - well.<br />
You say you wan buy wot<br />
for your papa?<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
23<br />
Mobile<br />
telephone!
Wonderment!<br />
Telepon for Useni ear?<br />
Dat one no too good<br />
for my ear?<br />
Dat one fit<br />
Useni ear?<br />
Papa, you<br />
are funny<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Stay there en talk<br />
funny - funny.<br />
My daughter I take God thank<br />
you from stomach of my heart.<br />
God bless you proper<br />
my daughter.<br />
Don‛t<br />
mention papa.<br />
I just want you<br />
to be happy<br />
My daughter, me I<br />
happy more dan pregnant woman.<br />
Eee telepon for Useni?<br />
I tell you one day me I overthrow<br />
dat yeye village chief en become chief.<br />
I tell you even dat yeye chief no<br />
have telepon.<br />
Eee Useni<br />
your life will<br />
change like weather.<br />
I tell you.<br />
2 WEEK LATER. USENI IS ON THE ROAD STOPPING BUS DRIVERS COMING FROM TOWN ASKING FOR THE PHONE FROM HIS DAUGHTER<br />
Where are<br />
you going?<br />
Whot concern me<br />
with Katato? I stop you ‘<br />
cause me I wan ask<br />
about my daughter<br />
Is this<br />
man mad?<br />
Home<br />
We‛re<br />
going to Katako.<br />
Are you going or…<br />
Ato!<br />
Okitipapa<br />
You ask your papa.<br />
Your papa mad not Useni.<br />
You hear me well - well?<br />
What‛s<br />
all this?<br />
Oga driver<br />
you see my<br />
daughter?<br />
Your<br />
daughter?<br />
www.katakata.org
www.katakata.org<br />
Yes, my original<br />
daughter proper! Or you don<br />
come back from town?<br />
You don know my daughter?<br />
Or you wan steal de telepon she<br />
give you give me?<br />
This man is crazy<br />
Useless<br />
thief driver!<br />
10 minutes later...<br />
where de telepon<br />
from my daughter?<br />
What?<br />
Yeye<br />
drunken man<br />
Which one<br />
is Wot?<br />
2 weeks later. The phone arrives from the postman<br />
Knock<br />
Knock<br />
Are you Useni?<br />
I am looking<br />
for Useni<br />
who are you?<br />
If you come<br />
from Tax, me I<br />
not Useni<br />
Yes me I Useni<br />
proper. De original Useni<br />
without dilutionment<br />
I am from the<br />
post office.<br />
I‛ve a telephone<br />
parcel from…..<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
25
www.katakata.org<br />
Ha ha ha ha…<br />
Useni so you<br />
now can talk to Queen<br />
England?<br />
Eee Useni you big man now.<br />
Eee big man, big trouble.<br />
Shege Useni<br />
Nice phone!<br />
I tell you my son!<br />
My daughter buy<br />
dis one give me.<br />
Oya, lets talk<br />
Hallo!<br />
Hallo Oga post!<br />
Over!<br />
Eee why you stay<br />
there look like iroko tree<br />
or you don wan talk to me?<br />
You jealous me already?<br />
The phone is<br />
upside down.<br />
Secondly you must<br />
switch it on<br />
Oh were<br />
you trying to<br />
talk to me on<br />
phone?<br />
Before I talk?<br />
Eee dat one is long<br />
preparationment. Why person<br />
no just talk straight?<br />
Why do dis,<br />
do dat before person<br />
simple talk?<br />
You sure dis telepon<br />
not useless?<br />
shows him how to make a call<br />
Your daughter<br />
wrote her number here,<br />
let me call and see if<br />
I can reach her.<br />
God bless<br />
you my son<br />
I talk<br />
to myself?<br />
Grrrrrrrr<br />
Hallo…<br />
Here is<br />
your daughter<br />
You useless well well.<br />
You give me telepon say dat<br />
one is my daughter<br />
Hallo papa…<br />
Hallo..<br />
Talk to your<br />
daughter on the<br />
phone<br />
You mean I<br />
hear my daughter<br />
voice now if<br />
I talk?<br />
Allo! Allo!<br />
faints<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Yes.<br />
Talk<br />
Papa it<br />
is me<br />
26
www.katakata.org<br />
1 hour later.<br />
My daughter I take<br />
God thank you plenty<br />
for dis telepon.<br />
No thanks Papa.<br />
We can always talk to each<br />
other from now onwards<br />
My daughter<br />
how your place?<br />
How your husband? I hope you don<br />
make dat goat goat leaf<br />
saladi for him.<br />
Ok.<br />
I put my mouth in my<br />
pocket. You know since you<br />
come last, our neighbour, you<br />
know Okonkwo, Ahaaa<br />
okonkwo, Monica father.<br />
I tell you dat<br />
one foolish more<br />
dan goat.<br />
Papa you want<br />
to start again?<br />
Papa what<br />
exactly are you<br />
talking about?<br />
Ok leave Okonkwo.<br />
Ahaaa My daughter you see dat<br />
land in front our house. Eeee dat land<br />
get good good manure plenty.<br />
De land grow big big yam, cocoyam,<br />
mango, maize, am, am …..<br />
Wot‛s money ?<br />
To talk cost money again?<br />
You say if you buy phone we talk till<br />
tomorrow, now you say to talk<br />
cost money. Which nonsense is<br />
dat one now?<br />
You are wasting the<br />
credit on the phone.<br />
It is money<br />
Papa it is<br />
not free. It cost<br />
money<br />
It cost money to talk?<br />
You useless daughter.<br />
Why you don send dat money<br />
to me instead of buy<br />
telepon?<br />
1 week later. In the Market. Useni with earphone listening<br />
to the music on his telephone.<br />
I eat telepon<br />
when I hunger?<br />
Aaa me I don‛t<br />
talk again<br />
“Obiligbo oh “<br />
Okitibamba!<br />
“…. Ayeee mama<br />
Ayeee mama..”<br />
I hear you!<br />
music stops.<br />
Looks around.<br />
Chineke oh!<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
27
1 week later.<br />
Eee dis<br />
telepon again!<br />
Me my mouth tire talk again.<br />
Me I go on leave<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
Grrrrrrrr<br />
Grrrrrrrr<br />
Tell everybody<br />
Useni is on leave.<br />
You hear me so?<br />
Oya, tell dem!<br />
30 minutes later.<br />
Grrrrrrrr<br />
Eee..<br />
Dis telepon forget send my<br />
message or wot?<br />
Tell everybody, even<br />
my daughter Useni go on leave.<br />
Haba dat one is simple message.<br />
Me I don wan hear people telepon<br />
me again.. Useni wan rest.<br />
Also telepon cost - cost money.<br />
Me I no talk again<br />
1 hours.<br />
Grrrrrrrr<br />
smashes the phone<br />
Which stubborn<br />
telepon is dis?<br />
Haba, you overdo dat.<br />
Simple message you refuse hear.<br />
Haba, me I tire - tire for<br />
you useless telepon.<br />
www.katakata.org<br />
28<br />
end
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