CCChat Magazine
Better Understanding
Around Coercive Control
November 2017
The East Anglia Edition
OPERATION ENCOMPASS
Revolutionary Safeguarding
From A Husband and Wife Team
WHEN THE COURTS GET IT WRONG
EVERYONE CAN MAKE MISTAKES, BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF
IT IS THE COURT THAT HAS GOT IT WRONG?
Frontline Training To Break The Myths
For: Police-GP's-Nurses,-Midwives,-Teachers,-Safeguarding
Leads, Social-Workers.-Lawyers-Counsellors, Paramedics
Looking at various responses to Coercive
Control in Suffolk,Cambridgeshire, Norfolk
Contents
Editor's Notes
5 It's been an intersting month.
Find out why.
Operation Encompass
6 A husband and wife team get
serious about safeguarding.
Lisa Aronson-Fontes, PhD
9 Lisa explains how abusers
brainwash using 'Perspecticide'.
When Courts Get It Wrong
14 Sophia Cooke on why she wrote her
blog.
High-FunctioningSurviving
18 Nancy's story
Jessica Eaton
22 Jessica on why showing CSE films to
children is unethical
Emma Bond
31 Associate Professor of UCS
and Director of iSEED
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Contents
Hollie GazzardTrust
33 Nick Gazzard trains employers on
abuse and on their obligations.
Graham Goulden
39 Interview with Director of
Cultivating Minds UK
40th Norwich Beer Festival
46 The festival charity of the year
is Leeway. Wey Hey!!
Charity Focus
47 We interview Mandy Procter,
CEO of Leeway.
Elder Abuse
51 Rachel's story about elder abuse
and dementia.
When Courts Get It Wrong
54 Kelly's Story
Mobbing
56 Trolling with an agenda.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Contents
Mobbing
56 Some screenshots of the
interactions in mobbing.
Gwen Owen
68 We find out more about the civil
and commercial mediator.
CCChat Discussion Group
70 Coming to East Anglia in 2018
Abuse Talk
71 Jennifer Gilmour gives us an
update on the recent chat.
Online Book Club
72 A book club with a difference
Gallery Highwaymans
73 A look at a Suffolk getaway and
conference centre.
Elizabeth Hodder
75 When there is no legal aid, look for
no-nonsense straight talking
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Editor's Notes
About The
Editor
Min Grob started
Conference on Coercive
Control in June 2015,
following a relationship that
was coercive and
controlling.
Since then, there have been
three national conferences,
various speaker
engagements and a
newsletter which has now
developed into an online
magazine.
2018 will see the start of
CCChat Discussion Groups
starting in East Anglia
before rolling out
nationwide with the next
Conference on Coercive
Control planned for the 1st
week in June at the
University of
Gloucestershire.
Min is particularly
interested in looking at
perpetrator tactics and how
they can be identified and
has spoken on how to
differentiate between
strident discourse and
deliberate baiting and
goading using examples
from social media to
illustrate the various tactics
aimed at provoking a
response and how it is
concealed. Min hopes to
enable a better
understanding of abuse that
resides below the radar to
be able to identify nearer
inception.
To get in touch:
contact@
coercivcecontrol.co.uk
Let's Start The
Conversation!
Welcome to the 3rd (and biggest!) edition of
CCChat Magazine
(all almost 80 pages of it)
Its been a busy month. Not least because the numbers of people getting in
touch are rapidly rising and time seems to be passing by faster. I daren't
blink in case I miss 6 months!
The biggest topic of interest for readers seems to be the subject of so-called
advocates ( SCAs) . I have had numerous disclosures ranging from bad
practice and non-victim-centric thinking, to reports of harassment and
intimidation and subverting information.
Many of you will have noticed the late publication of CCChat. This was due
to the need to seek legal clarification and advice from the ICO - The
Information Commissioner's Office- on a vexatious complaint. This is explored
more fully in the article on 'Mobbing'.
I was pleased to be able to volunteer for Leeway at CAMRA's 40th Norwich
Beer Festival. Leeway was appointed the Beer Festival's charity of the year
money raised during the 6 day event was a whopping £7,070. Amongst
other events I have attended, there was a presentation by DAHA to
Cambridgeshire Domestic Violence Forum, and a discussion group on parental
alienation at Westminster by the Family Law Panel.
Whilst in Cambridge I met with PhD researcher Sophia Cooke who had
recently left an abusive relationship to find the courts could not identify the
abuse.
Next month, is the Christmas edition where incidents of abuse will rise as a
result of family tension and alcohol, among other factors. CChat will be
looking at housing with an interview with Shelter CEO Polly Neate as well
as looking at the easy way accusations of stalking, harasment and coercive
control are made. We will be interviwing and talking about the research Dr
Emma Bond. as well as delving into topics that are invisible in plain sight.
Christmas may still be some time away but CCChat is more than just tinsel!!
See you next month.
Min
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
OPERATION
ENCOMPASS
HOW DID IT START?
Operation Encompass is an
initiative created by husband
and wife team, headteacher
Elisabeth Carney-Haworth and
retired police sargeant , David
Carney-Haworth .
Operation Encompass was
launched in Plymouth in 2011
to address and identify
shortcoming in how
information was being shared
with schools regarding
children living with domestic
abuse.
The concept of Operation
Encompass was both simple
yet revolutionary: If a domestic
incident occurred on the
previous evening with a child
was in the house, the police
would contact the nominated
Key Adult at the child's school
prior to the start of the school
day.
Appropriate support would be
in place for that child. This
support could be overt or
silent dependent upon the
circumstances.
It was such a simple concept
but it had a huge impact.
Having the knowledge that a
child had experienced
domestic abuse, allows the
school to put support for the
child in place.
The Operation Encompass
website contains support
materials and anecdotal
evidence of the success of
Operation Encompass.
O
peration
Encompass is a Police and
Education early intervention safeguarding
partnership that ensures that when the
police have attended at a home where a
child or young person is exposed to
domestic abuse.
A nominated Key Adult will be notified of an incident prior to
the start of the next school day.
So far Operation Encompass has been embraced in 21 police
forces with the force wide rollout in Devon and Cornwall in
December 2017.
In May 2016, Dame Vera Baird QC, Northumbria Police Crime
Commissioner reported on live television that her force had
supported over 1500 children in a 6-month period.
In Norfolk, police implemented Operation Encompass in
January 2017 as a direct result of the recommendations of a
Serious Case Review.
Domestic abuse is identified as an ACE ( Adverse Childhood
Experience) and for children an 86% predictor of having four or
more ACE’s.
Research shows that the more ACEs you have the greater the
negative impact upon physical, emotional and mental health
and the more likely to take part in risk taking behaviours which
people into contact with the police.
With 4+ ACEs you are:
2x more likely to binge drink
5x more likely to have had sex whilst under 16
5x use of illicit drugs
7 x more likely to have been involved in violence in last year
7x addicted to alcohol
11x more likely to have used crack/ heroin or been incarcerated
12x more likely to have attempted suicide
“ It’s so important that we give vulnerable young
people across South Tyneside a voice and Operation
Encompass is about doing just that, offering early
intervention and support when children need it most.”
Dame Vera Baird
http://www.operationencompass.org
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
In the HMIC report ‘Increasingly
everyone’s business, a progress report on
Domestic Violence’: ‘It was described by
partners in education as the best thing
the police have given to education’
In September 2017 the South West
Director for HMI Ofsted, Bradley
Simmons, said on a live BBC programme;
“One of the things that we found is there
isn’t really a focus on the needs of
children who do witness such violence
and they can arrive at school traumatised.
They often present as quite difficult
young people because of what's going on
at home but actually Operation
Encompass is doing exactly the right
thing. There’s joint agency working so the
school knows at once when a child has
witnessed domestic abuse and is able to
make provisions.’
Photo: Elizabeth Carney-Haworth
A review of Operation Encompass in
Knowsley found that ‘Overwhelmingly,
the majority of both the incidents and
the children and young people
involved were defined as Bronze or
Silver cases.
This is an interesting point given that
prior to the implementation of
Operation Encompass, schools would
not have been made aware of these
cases at all. Gold cases would have
been reported to schools as part of the
MARAC arrangements.’
In December 2016 the College of
Policing wrote: ‘The college is acutely
aware of Operation Encompass and
has circulated details widely as good
practice as part of our response to the
recommendations in HMIC reviews
into force responses to Domestic
Abuse’
A case before Operation Encompass
A Year Six child was predicted to achieve
Level 4 in her Standard Assessment Tests
(SATs) the average attainment for an 11yr
old.
The child only achieved Level 2 and 3
(Level 2 equates to the attainment of an
average 7yrs old and Level 3 equates to
the attainment of an average 9yrs old).
The school could see no reason why the
child had performed so badly. In July of
that year, some two months later the
school received details that showed that
the weekend prior the SATs there had
been a domestic abuse incident in the
child’s household.
The school felt that this incident of
domestic abuse had had a detrimental
impact on the child’s emotional health
and wellbeing and her therefore upon her
ability to succeed in the SATs.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
A Case After Operation Encompass
In a case where Operation Encompass was
operating (Shown on live BBC television) a
mother suffering domestic abuse stated that
her 5 year old son had begun to imitate her
partner’s violent behaviour, the child began
spitting, swearing and hitting her.
Once the child’s school became aware of the
domestic abuse incidents through Operation
Encompass immediate support was given
and the child’s behaviour changed. This
change was credited directly to Operation
Encompass by the mother.
What do we want from the
government?
That children and young people exposed to
Domestic Abuse are recognised as victims in
their own right.
That the principles of Operation Encompass
i.e. the timely sharing of information with
schools prior to the start of the next school
day when a child has been exposed to
Domestic Abuse, becomes a statutory
requirement for all police forces.
That all police forces have a statutory
requirement to record the numbers of
children exposed to Domestic Abuse.
That the police are given powers to protect
the victims of Domestic Abuse as Domestic
Abuse is currently not an offence in itself and
any officer’s powers are limited to trying to
find some other offence for example; assault,
criminal damage or public order.
That all schools undertake mandatory
training to develop knowledge and
understanding of the impact of Domestic
Abuse of children and young people and how
best to support these children.
Photo:Sergeant David Carney-Haworth
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Lisa Aronson-Fontes,PhD
is a psychology researcher at the
University of Massachusetts
Amherst and author of "Invisible
Chains: Overcoming Coercive
Control in Your Intimate
Relationship,"
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Perspecticide
“Manipulative people brainwash their partners using
something called 'perspecticide' : Lisa Aronson-Fontes PhD
What is Perspecticide?
It occurs when an abusive
partner has made somone believe
things that aren't true.
Eventually, they no longer know
what is real.
Living with an abusive and controlling
partner can feel like living in a
cult—except lonelier. Victims' own
viewpoints, desires, and opinions may
fade as they are overwhelmed by the
abusers.
Over time, they may lose a sense that
they even have a right to their own
perspectives. This is called
perspecticide—the abuse-related
incapacity to know what you know
(Stark, 2007).
Perspecticide is often part of a strategy
of coercive control that may include
manipulation, stalking, and physical
abuse.
Abusers make their partners
narrow their worlds. Once
isolated, it is easy to lose one's
sense of self.
Doug insisted that Val watch him play
video games rather than doing what
she wanted. He demanded that he be
the centre of her attention at all times.
Gradually she accepted this as an
obligation.
Corey’s husband only “allowed” her to
socialize along with him, with other
couples. He did not permit her to leave
the house without him, even to shop
for food.
Whenever TeyShawn tried speaking on
the phone or seeing friends or family,
his boyfriend, Angelo, grew angry with
him.
After a while TeyShawn severely
curtailed his social life; It just wasn’t
worth the hassle.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Abusers insist on controlling minute
aspects of their partners' lives.
Over time, victims internalize the rules and
forget what life was like when they were freer
to make their own choices.
Herman drew up an extensive chores chart
and insisted that Marta keep a detailed log of
her activities.
Ken gave his partner, Steve, a list of
expectations for his diet, workout routine,
and grooming, and implied that their
relationship would be over if he did not
comply.
Darnell expected Sara to dress modestly
when outside the home but insisted that she
dress sexily when they were alone together.
He told her to stop speaking to the cat,
reading magazines, or sleeping on her back.
He chose her makeup, dictated her bedtime,
and weighed her daily. He meticulously
controlled the way their house was
organized, down to how towels were folded
and food stored on the shelves. To avoid
explosive conflict, Sara followed Darnell's
demands and began to see them as "normal."
Abusers make their partners feel badly
about themselves.
Because they are isolated, people victimized
by perspecticide begin to believe the negative
descriptions of themselves and lose selfesteem.
Imani’s husband told her repeatedly
that she was a gloomy, depressed person by
nature. He told her that she was selfish to ask
for changes in their marriage since she would
never be happy anyway. Over time, she
stopped asking.
Lori’s boyfriend told her she was oversexed
and that he needed to keep an eye on her or
she’d be out of control. He had sex with her
at least once on most days, which was more
than she wanted, but he told her it was what
he needed to do to keep her “honest.” Over
time, she stopped protesting the way he
monitored and forced himself on her. She
accepted the idea that the sex was “for her
own good.”
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Abusive partners create the expectations. The
abuser demands certain acts as proof of love
and over time, the person being victimized
gives in.
Kelly’s husband insisted that they share a
toothbrush and that they use the same water
or wine glass at all meals.
He couldn’t seem to tolerate her having
anything that was hers alone. Kelly dreamed
of being able to close the door when she
showered but her husband wanted to be able
to see her at all times.
Clarice’s husband, Dre, did not have a job
for the first decade of their marriage.
Clarice worked long days and when she
returned home he berated her for
“choosing work over family.”
In front of the children, he defined her as
cold, unloving, and nonmaternal.
Lily pushed her boyfriend to share all his
social media and email passwords and when
he refused, she secretly installed a keystroke
logger so she could access them against his
will. When he found out and confronted her,
she replied, “Loving couples keep no secrets.”
He gave up on the idea of Internet privacy.
Karen told Carmen that she should never say
“no” to her; pleasing her should be her
Number One and only priority. Carmen tried
hard to follow this rule, and grew ashamed
when she had longings of her own.
"In an abusive or controlling relationship, over time the
dominating partner changes how the victim thinks,"
Lisa Aronson-Fontes, PhD
Clarice constantly felt obliged to prove
that she was a good mother.
The children joined their father in
blaming Clarice for “not being around
much,” as if she was making a deliberate
choice to be out of the home for long
stretches.
In the evening, sometimes Dre would take
away Clarice’s phone, saying, “Now you’re
going to have to pay attention to us.”
People subjected to perspecticide often blame
themselves, as they feel despairing and
disoriented.
It can be hard for them to figure out exactly what’s
wrong. Controlling partners serve as a filter for
the outside world, gradually forcing their victims
to lose the support of family, friends, and
coworkers.
Isolated and controlled in this way, victims lose
self-esteem and have trouble remembering what
they once thought, felt, and believed.
For more on Lisa Aronson -Fontes, PhD,
visit her website at www.lisafontes.com
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
WHEN THE
COURTS GET IT
WRONG
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
WHEN COURTS GET IT WRONG
Sophia's story
I
was
referred to Sophia Cooke, by a professional in the domestic
abuse sector, a few weeks ago. I had been told that a young woman
had recently come out of a very emotionally abusive relationship
and he had sold his story to the papers. I was asked if I could
support.
'it is beyond unspeakably evil,
what it actually is'.
I took some time getting to know Sophia, getting to hear her story. It was clearly apparent
that she had been through an extremely distressing time and I was sadly all too aware of
how her version of events would not come across as credible as his. He had made her
believe she was to blame. How can you explain something, when you are still trying to
make sense of it yourself? This is something I come across q frequently. A victim is
disorientated, confused, perplexed as they come to terms with the reality of their
relationship. Many do not see themselves as the victim, so conditioned are they to believe
they are the perpetrator and they have to relive the whole relationship , looking at it
through different eyes.When we met, I listened to an audio recording of the couple.Sophia
had recorded it, to evidence the abuse. It made my blood run cold, with the insidious way
he manipulated her , blaming all of his abuse on her.
I asked if I could use the recording as a training resource as I felt it was an extremely
powerful aid looking at the insidiousness of emotional and psychological abuse. But there
were silent gaps, bits of the conversation which I felt would detract from the learning
opportunity and mention of his name. I asked Sophia if she could edit the recording. What
then followed was a change of heart. Emboldened by my response and that of others in the
abuse sector, combined with a desire to create better awareness and help others to not end
up in the situation Sophia had recently been in, led to the recording being released on
Twitter. This was shortly accompanied the release of Sophia's blog - a cathartic outlet for
her -to give the recording context.
Unsurprisingly, he was quick to contact the papers who quoted him as saying: 'it is beyond
unspeakably evil, what it actually is' Sophia was understandably nervous of the reaction to
her blog, so, over the weekend, I interviewed her about why she had felt compelled to
release it.
The interview follows this article but, before you read it, it makes sense to listen to the
recording first, which is Post 7 on the blog.
Sophia's blog can be found at: https://victimscanbestrong.com
Please cut and paste the link into your browser.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
The Interview
Sophia Cooke
survivor
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
What made you write the blog?
I began writing about the relationship on the
advice of a counsellor I started seeing after
my former partner was arrested. Up until
this point I had been struggling to
understand everything that had happened
and blaming myself for things going wrong.
However, as I wrote, things began to make
more sense. I began to see the patterns in
both his and my behaviour and come to
terms with the idea that I had not been to
blame for his violence.
The more I wrote, the more I understood. As
a result, I started to feel my sense of who I
was return, the cloud of confusion lift, and
little by little I was able to recognise that I
had not deserved any of it. I then launched
my blog.
I wanted to put the topic of domestic abuse
more prominently on the map and to educate
people on how it developed and what the
warning signs were.
If I had been able to recognise what my
former partner was doing early on, perhaps
none of this would have happened to me.
After the trial and subsequent media
coverage, I felt an even greater need to speak
out. After taking some time to build my
strength back up again, I finalised the writing
I had already done and launched my blog.
I decided to release the voice recording along
with it because it so clearly demonstrates the
emotional abuse I am trying to raise
awareness of. I also played it to a few people
in the domestic abuse sector who thought it
would be an important educational tool.
“The more I wrote, the more I understood.”
I decided to release the voice recording along
with it because it so clearly demonstrates the
emotional abuse I am trying to raise
awareness of. I also played it to a few people
in the domestic abuse sector who thought it
would be an important educational tool.
Why did you decide to release the blog
and the voice recording?
As what had happened to me became more
widely known, a large number of people
started to confide in me that they had also
gone through abusive relationships. I
discovered it to be far more common than I
had thought, yet it seemed to be hardly
talked about in the public sphere.
It really struck me how limited the
understanding of domestic abuse of most
people who had not been through it was. I
therefore decided that I wanted to speak out
about my experiences once the court case
was over.
What has the reaction been to the
blog and the recording?
The reaction has been overwhelmingly
positive. I have had a huge number of
messages from others who have suffered
domestic abuse to say that reading my
blog has really helped them. They have
said it has enabled them to understand
better what they went through and to let
go of any feelings of self-blame.
A few have even told me that reading the
blog has given them the strength to cut
their abusive ex-partners completely from
their lives which is fantastic.
In addition I have had enormous support
from many who have not suffered abuse,
but feel they now understand much more
about it.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Responses to the recording have been
mainly of shock and several people have
said it reduced them to tears.
A number of domestic abuse experts have
said that the emotional manipulation
shown by my former partner, is
absolutely textbook and, sadly, a large
number of other victims have commented
on how much it reminds them of the way
they have been treated previously.
I do feel embarrassed knowing that so
many people are listening to it as I was
clearly at my lowest ebb at the time, but I
am very glad it is helping to educate
others.
And what next?
Having finally been able to speak about
what I have been going through in the last
two years,
I feel better able to move forward with my
life and my PhD.
I am still working to get the PTSD
symptoms under control but I am doing
much better than I was.
I am in a happy, healthy relationship now
which has been further helping me to
rebuild my confidence.
I still feel strongly about continuing to
raise awareness of domestic abuse and I
have already been asked to give speak at
several events.
Sophia's blog can be found at:
https://victimscanbestrong.com
Please cut and paste the link into
your browser. ks at different
institutions.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
I am a Survivor
I am also High Funtioning
Nancy's story
I
t’s
challenging being a highly functioning survivor. Over decades
we’ve had to self learn our own coping strategies in order to
function in public, within family dynamics, with our children and
most importantly the workplace, for fear of arousing judgement
and discrimination.
“ DVA survivor professionals have also honed their own individual
detachment techniques, specifically in learning not to be triggered
and most importantly in not trigger others”
Highly functioning survivors and DVA survivor professionals have also honed their own individual
detachment techniques, specifically in learning not to be triggered and most importantly in not
trigger others
The skills in maintaining a mask in order to function highly, is paramount to a professional
survivor’s job or career, because sometimes it’s the job or career that’s needed in order to thrive.
Some of us manage to balance the status of single working mother/survivor successfully, until our
children leave home.
Some of us who have experienced childhood and repeat domestic sexual violence and abuse may
struggle with a myriad of mental health issues, tried and tested and failed coping mechanisms and
the ramifications of having to fight a misdiagnosis, whilst repeatedly disclosing their issues together
with their experiences to too many agencies, and not always with positive outcomes.
Some survivors also struggle with the lack of post DSVA specialist family support and individualised
therapeutic services, due to lack of Government cuts and sustainable funding. So, life after domestic
abuse should be good for at least the highly functioning survivor, yes?
Well no. You see, as a survivor who has had a career in domestic abuse from bottom to top approach,
I had taken time out of work after repeat domestic abuse, sexual violence, stalking and harassment
experiences. After the first occasion, I needed to take two years out of my life and my career to heal.
t was at this point - some decades earlier - that I became acutely aware of the discrimination
experienced by survivors of VAW, with the media taking the helm in victim blaming and the
normalisation of abuse of women at home, socially or in the workplace. Now, over two decades later,
I’m seeing a return to work after nine years.
Being in this situation for any survivor of low-to-no financial means, - after moving from Refuge to
several self-funded moves and a change in vehicle, etc - means an existence on welfare and the
growing realisation of the fact that as a survivor, like those before me, we are faced with necessary
and constant battles with Statutory, Health and Welfare Services and as post DSVA survivors, we
face these systems alone.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Over the decades, the economic loss to
myself, whilst raising my family has been
crippling. Yet my ex husband, the father of
my child contributed just fifteen pounds in
eighteen years of his son’s life, due to failures
in the Child Support Agency in the handling
of my case. Essentially, this is the reality and
cost of decades of repeat Police failures in
bringing the perpetrators to justice.
However, having adopted a mask of
resilience, I knew that when I was ready I
would offer my expertise, once again, in a
voluntary capacity. After all, I had financially
just about kept up-to speed by self funding
my Continued Professional Development,
attending poignant seminars, conferences
and launches.
I was focused on obtaining a masters in the
dynamics of domestic violence and abuse.
During my time out I had maintained a
hands-on approach by actively engaging in
awareness raising on Domestic Abuse and
Stalking on Social Media, providing
signposting for victims and survivors, and
updating professionals and activists on key
training needs and national campaigns from
key national players.
I also offer pro bono case work in the
community for senior vulnerable adults,
some with learning difficulties and
disabilities, which have all led to positive
outcomes for a variety of welfare, housing
and health issues.
I felt that my previous experiences in the
domestic abuse sector would be of credit,
especially since the countywide project I had
set-up had gained Statutory, Home Office
and European funding.
“I felt that my previous experiences in the domestic abuse
sector would be of credit,
”
It was at this point - some decades earlier - that I
became acutely aware of the discrimination
experienced by survivors of VAW, with the media
taking the helm in victim blaming and the
normalisation of abuse of women at home,
socially or in the workplace.
Now, over two decades later, I’m seeing a return
to work after nine years. Being in this situation for
any survivor of low-to-no financial means, - after
moving from Refuge to several self-funded moves
and a change in vehicle, etc - means an existence
on welfare and the growing realisation of the fact
that as a survivor, like those before me, we are
faced with necessary and constant battles with
Statutory, Health and Welfare Services and as
post DSVA survivors, we face these systems alone.
This meant going without luxuries such as winter
heating and the pre requisite three meals a day.
But such was my determination and passion in
regaining my career within the DV Sector, I felt it
was a small sacrifice to make. However, due to the
bedroom tax, after two years, I could no longer
afford to continue.
Further, that the success of my work was
undertaken with the mental health issues that I
currently have.
Ironically, in a work environment, it is my mental
health that I have to attribute to my drive and
resilience and the success of that project. I needed
to get back to work in the DSVA Sector - it literally
compounds issues for me in not doing so. So when
the time came I felt quietly confident, but
apprehensive. I applied for a voluntary frontline
worker position for a sexual assault centre. I was
advised to dumb down the application and apply.
I was delighted to receive by return an
opportunity to attend an open day event, so that
the organisation could discuss their role and that
of the position, enabling candidates to make an
informed decision as to whether the job was
suitable for them.
Delighted by the service and the job spec, I
returned their application form and received an
interview immediately. To my surprise the
interviewed was conducted solely by the Volunteer
Co-ordinator.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
In disbelief and feeling insult to injury,
I pulled random skills out of my bag
and asked if I could be taken on as a
volunteer to undertake administration
or to assist with office admin, bid
writing and fund raising.
The response came back the same. I
asked if she would like to see my CV,
but curtly she stated ‘it would
discriminate against the other
candidates’.
But, I felt that I was the one who was
just discriminated against and judged
without any meaningful discussion on
the ‘spectrum’ of my issue.
I found the VC to be professionally
detached in her approach and remarkably
the questions too limiting given the
responsibility of the role. I felt I had
answered the questions well, without over
emphasising my personal or professional
experiences.
I felt happier than I had felt in decades,
until she said, ‘I understand from one of
your tweets on Social Media, that you
suffer from ‘Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder’.
I knew that this was not true and that she
had googled my name and had come
across two articles dating back to 2014, in
which I appeared discussing domestic
abuse and the various Government cuts
having a direct impact on survivors lives
and that of their children, their health
and wellbeing.
She then told me that I wouldn’t be able
to work for the organisation for at least a
year. I asked her if we could discuss my
mental health as she had raised the issue,
but I was met by her reiterating and
hiding behind a rigid and inflexible
organisational policy.
I felt that she was not in a position to
have made that decision alone,
especially since she had not displayed
an understanding of mental health let
alone PTSD and therefore I felt she
alone was not qualified to have made
that decision.
If she had asked, I would have
explained that PTSD like any other
MH issues is on a spectrum, and that I
have situational PTSD, which is exactly
that - situational - and as I had already
moved for the second time, my MH
should not be an issue.
I would have told her that ‘yes, I’m a
highly functioning survivor and DV
professional. I do not trigger, I do not
trigger others and therefore, my being
in post is not a safeguarding issue.
I screamed inwardly and silently to
myself ‘do you really think my
professional integrity - the only thing I
have left - would allow me to apply for
a position, that I knowingly was not
ready for, to put others lives in danger?
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Utterly floored, I fell silent. I thanked her
for her time and left.
This is my reality and I’m sure it’s a
similar situation for most survivors
returning to the workplace after long
term unemployment, and worse still for
vulnerable women leaving prison system.
It’s a constant struggle maintaining
resilience against constant
discrimination, victim blaming,
revictimising and re traumatising attitude
When it’s the very professionals and
organisations that are there to empower
women that we repeatedly experience this
from?
If the Government doesn’t address the
need for sustainable funding for
specialist victim and survivor Mental
Health services training, the cycle of
victim blaming, re victimising and re
traumatising will continue,
compounding the survivors ability to
emotionally, physically, and financially
thrive.
Government cuts to VAW Services is
clearly unsound economic practice, for
survivors and the UK economy.
“ I’m a highly functioning survivor and DV professional. I
do not trigger, I do not trigger others and therefore, my
being in post is not a safeguarding issue.”
Without sustainable funding how can
we dispel the systemic fear around
mental health?
How can we address the training needs
of all Domestic Sexual Violence and
Abuse workers on the spectrums of
Mental Health and trauma to an
accredited level?
How can we address the training needs
of Health and Welfare professionals in
the dynamics of domestic violence and
abuse, the impact and trauma to an
accredited level?
Discrimination against mental health is
covered in the disabilities act, yet as
recenty as this September, research in
Independent, highlighted that disabled
people have to apply for 60% more jobs
than non-disabled people before finding
one.
There is a serious need for the UK to
adopt the Council of Europe’s Disability
Strategy on Human Rights which
addresses discrimination.
A reality for all, which aims to achieve
equality, dignity and equal opportunities
for people with mental health, disabilities
and difficulties.
Link: http://www.independent.co.uk/
news/uk/home-news/disabled-people-j
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
THE INTERVIEW
JESSICA EATON
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Jessica Eaton
CSE FILMS ARE NOT OK
FOR CHILDREN
I
am
interviewing Jessica Eaton, a doctoral researcher,
writer and national speaker on sexual violence and victim
blaming who has been campaigning against the use of
CSE films for children. Jessica is also the founder of the
Eaton Foundation, a registered charity specialising in
holistic, longitudinal support for men.
Many of us aren't familiar with the resources being used to address
Child Sexual Exploitation. You have been very vocal on the harms some
of these can cause. Could you explain some more?
From what I understand, employees of MESMAC are not huge fans of my blog and
my opinions about the way the field of CSE has employed techniques and
approaches with no evidence base and this was used as an excuse for cyberstalking
for a period of over 8 weeks.
I don’t know any of them and they don’t know me. I do not follow the work of
MESMAC, Blast or Basis but it became apparent that one employee of MESMAC
was using four accounts to stalk me, watch my posts and to comment on things I did
and said in real-time. Generally, the posts were trying to discredit my work and my
writing – especially where I was arguing against the use of CSE resources with
children who have been abused and exploited.
My core argument had nothing to do with those organisations – I was arguing that
films containing sexual violence against children, drugs, abuse and grooming should
not be shown to victims of abuse because they will retraumatise them. Pretty basic
really.The blogs were read thousands of times and I received hundreds of emails
and phone calls from professionals who felt the same way. However, the employee
of MESMAC had already at this point used lines from my blog and my own social
media to attempt to discredit me and argue that I didn’t know what I was talking
about.
The issue here is that everyone is free to disagree with me and to provide evidence
to the contrary but no one should use that disagreement to target a professional
online. After three weeks of the behaviour, I blocked him on all four accounts over
two platforms – two of those accounts were owned and should have been managed
properly by MESMAC but they failed to do so, leaving him able to use them to stalk
me and put up passive aggressive comments about my work for 8 weeks before
anyone noticed. Two of the accounts were his professional accounts. Two were on
Facebook and two were on Twitter.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
He simultaneously used all of them to
post about my work and my thoughts –
and to watch everything I was saying
in real time.
After 8 weeks, I submitted a cease and
desist letter which was responded to
with arrogance and a complete denial
of any wrong doing. The reply even
argued that they would not be looking
into it because I had no evidence.
However, I had 22 pages of evidence
and had logged over 280 posts in 8
weeks from the four accounts so I
decided to log a formal complaint
against the employee.
I submitted the 22 pages of evidence
and eventually got a phone call from
the person ‘investigating’ the employee
to say that the employee had admitted
watching me and posting about me,
that he was angry about what was
being talked about (CSE films being
unethical).
He also told his employer that other
employees and professionals were
involve and he didn’t act alone.
Once I had blocked his accounts, he
enlisted others to help him. He also
told his employer that he used my
twitter feed on my website to watch me
after he realised he was blocked.
“I had 22 pages of evidence and had logged
over 280 posts in 8 weeks.”
The complaint was eventually accepted
but only after a number of difficult
conversations with MESMAC staff.
The CEO refusing to investigate
himself because he was compromised
in the first email which said I had no
evidence and copied him in.
I was repeatedly told that I couldn’t
prove the employee was watching me,
even before they had seen the
evidence.
During this process, I was sent the
workers conduct policy which
contained the clauses allowing sex,
personal relationships and exchange of
personal details with clients.
I sent it to a group of experts in the
field and asked for their advice.
I sent it to the LSCB and reported the
policy as unethical – especially in the
light of their behaviour I was
experiencing from the employees.
It was clear to me that the organisation
were preparing to protect the
employee right from the beginning.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Why do you think they have reacted
in the way they have?
Well they were already not a big fan of me
so this won’t have helped much. However,
I have been surprised by the shifting of
blame to the whistleblower.
It strikes me as quite telling that a charity
that has not only got a policy of having
sex with clients, but also with a culture
that allowed employees to monitor and
berate an academic online would also
then berate someone who whistle blew on
the organisation and instead makes
comments that this is malicious or mud
slinging.
Why should I keep quiet about this?
What damages our sector is dangerous
and unethical policies like this – not
the people who speak out.
This field is so contradictory.
It wants people to speak up and speak
out about bad practice and cover ups
but when they do they are vilified.
And then people sit back and ask why
professionals don’t report bad
practice?
I didn’t write the policy.
“ What damages our sector is dangerous and unethical
policies like this – not the people who speak out. ”
Safeguarding is apparently at the heart of
what they do in their jobs, except for
when one of their own is on the wrong
side of it and then, of course, it is
someone else's fault.
I have noticed on Twitter that there
are some claiming that this
amounts to airing of dirty laundry
and damages the charity sector.
How would you respond to that?
This is really the most disappointing
response out of all of them. This is how
victims and whistleblowers in the field of
child abuse get silenced again and again.
Why should the professional reputation
of the charity come above the safety of the
clients?
It’s a good job I value the rights and
wellbeing of clients above my own
professional reputation otherwise this
never would have been discussed.
In your opinion, how should they
have reacted?
They should have agreed that the
policy is unethical.
There is no other opposing POV unless
they want to out themselves as
professionals who want sex with
clients .
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
'You showed me a CSE film
when I was 13 years old…
this is how it affected me’
M
y
name is Kate, and I recently turned 22 years old.
When I was 13 years old I was shown CSE videos like
the ones detailed in Jessica Eaton’s letter, and I
would like you to know how that did and still does
affect me.
Up until 12 years old I was a very happy child. Then one evening I was walking
home down a quiet side alley when some older boys I recognised stopped me and
offered me money in exchange for sex. They started grabbing at me, and I only
remember flashes of what happened next. After that I would often ‘zone out’ and
lose chunks of time, which is when my school began to notice something wasn’t
right.
It took a lot for me to talk to them but ultimately, nothing happened. Shortly after, I
started getting harassed by other boys at my school. They would follow me, wait
outside my house, throw things at me and touch me in ways I knew they shouldn’t.
At first I reported them to my school, and in some cases they were dealt with, but
over time I stopped. One teacher had called me annoying, and another had asked
out right if I had been raped by ‘a man’, as I was over reacting for it to be anything
else. I felt like I had become ‘a problem’.
I always thought it was a coincidence that I was shown the CSE resources, but
having read about the same thing happening to so many other children I now think
perhaps it wasn’t. Can I tell you what it feels like to sit in a class full of children and
be shown videos depicting the most traumatic experience of your life? It feels like
your heart is going to thump out of your chest and that you will tremble until you
cease to exist.
It feels like the world could collapse in on you and that you could explode all at the
same time. You’re panicking, and you want to scream and cry but you can’t because
then everyone would know what you are. What happened to you. Afterwards you
made me stand up and read a poem to the class about how I could stop it happening
to me, when I knew it already had.
At 13 years old I stood up and recited from your videos how I could have stopped my
own assaults, if only I had thought. Or not walked alone. Or not been so god damn
inviting with my female body. I was so sure everyone in that room would see the
guilt written on my skin. I felt utterly humiliated.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Everyone in the class read their poems, and it
felt like a chorus amplifying my wrongness.
It was a competition. I didn’t win.
Your videos taught me that the thoughts
inside my head were true. That somehow I’d
invited it because of the way I looked or acted
or was.
That the people around me, my friends, my
family and my mum, would be disgusted by
and disappointed in me. That they’d whisper
and point and think about all the ways I
could have prevented it.
If only I had known. If only I had told
someone sooner. All I had to do was realise
what was happening and tell someone.
Sometimes I would lie powerless on my
bed, overwhelmed by the gnawing feeling
that I was worthless because I let it
happen to me.
Sometimes I still do.
Every time I wanted to tell someone
memories of those videos convinced me
otherwise.
It took me 9 years to tell someone after
you. Please stop showing children those
videos.
They hurt more than you can know, and
they stop us asking for the help that we so
desperately need.
“Your videos taught me that the thoughts inside my head were
true. That somehow I’d invited it because of the way I looked or
acted or was. ”
But you see I had realised, and I had told
someone. And those videos were what I got. I
went into that class feeling dirty and
ashamed and left convinced I was right to.
Those videos didn’t make me aware that
what happened to me was wrong. I already
knew that.
Those videos didn’t make the harassment
and assaults stop. If anything, they helped
them continue. So you see, there is no logic
in your CSE videos. And I guess I’ll never
know why you showed me those films.
Maybe you didn’t know what else to do.
Maybe you thought I would find a way to
make sure it didn’t happen again.
If you wanted to shut me up, it worked.
Instead of talking I scratched at my skin,
trying to stop the aching, bursting feeling
inside my chest.
It was your job to make it stop, that
responsibility never should have sat with
me. I needed you to tell me that it wasn’t
my fault, to give me the space to be angry
and in pain but still be safe and protected.
Please stop using those CSE videos.
You’re better than that.
I know you are.
Kate – 12/11/2017
Please share this letter, use it in
training, read it out at conferences,
read it to other professionals, use it
in university modules. We ARE
getting this wrong. We ARE doing
harm. We ARE using untested,
unethical resources with children.
We ARE teaching children to blame
themselves and change their
behaviours after abuse. This has to
end, NOW.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Tips on how to make an
ethical CSE resource
Jessica Eaton
#nomorecsefilms
I have had hundreds of emails from
people who are willing to work
together to support this campaign. The
emails come from regulatory bodies,
government, directors, researchers,
psychologists of all disciplines, trainee
psychologists, lawyers,
psychotherapists and even
professional parents.
One email caught my eye. A
professional contacted me to say that
their organisation makes CSE
resources and had read my letter and
blogs.
She wrote to me for advice about what
they could do to make ethical and
effective CSE resources for children. I
wrote back – and thought that I should
probably share these tips with
everyone.
As it stands, I do not currently support
the use of ANY CSE films in current
circulation. This is because not one single
organisation has put their film and
resource through empirical testing,
psychological oversight, ethical review –
and none can prove that their film works
as an intervention, prevention or support
mechanism.
In fact, when I have challenged those
organisations, I have been told I am being
‘too academic’ and ‘evidence is not
needed’ before using these films with
children. So, this email from the
professional who makes these films was a
brilliant step forward, and I am happy to
share my advice to her:
Do not show sexually violent, graphic or
violent materials to children – ever.
Do not ask children what they could
have done differently (where the answers
are a modification of the child’s behaviour
or actions that would have ‘led’ to not
being abused, which has no evidence base
and is a form of victim blaming)
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Do not show any CSE films to children
who have been abused or traumatised –
or are currently ‘at risk’ or being groomed
for CSE/A .
Any teaching or resources should be
focussed on the actions, decisions or
issues of the sex offender – not the child.
Teach children that people who harm
them do so because they want to, not
because there is anything wrong with
them.
Steer clear of depicting ‘vulnerable’
children – many resources show a child
who is having some sort of ‘problem’
which makes them ‘vulnerable’ to a sex
offender.
Not only this, but we are teaching
children and professionals that the
‘harm’ of abuse comes at the ‘end’ of a
linear grooming process, instead of
teaching them that the entire process
is harmful and manipulative.
Don’t show just one type of sex
offender using one type of method –
think outside of the box. Maybe the
perp could be a woman who is
recruiting girls to a fake modelling
agency?
Maybe she’s super glam and is sexually
attracted to girls? Focus on her
behaviour and actions – her words and
her demeanour.
“Any teaching or resources should be focussed on the actions,
decisions or issues of the sex offender – not the child.”
There is no evidence at present that
vulnerabilities lead to being sexually
exploited – and vulnerabilities are not
a pre-requisite to being sexually
abused.
Also, steer clear of depicting
stereotypical rape victims (white,
female, teenage, socially confident,
parties, hotels, boyfriends, taxis etc) –
it does nothing for our cause and
alienates children who don’t see
themselves in the resource.
Don’t show a linear grooming process
where the perp is nice to them and
makes them think they are in a
relationship and then eventually
harms them – grooming rarely works
like that in real life and we are giving
children a romanticised version of
abuse.
You don’t need to show harm to
children to get your point across.
Maybe the perp is an old disabled man
who tricks children into ‘helping’ him?
(I have based this idea on a real case
from Elliott, 1995).
Maybe the perp is a young, talented
sportsman who uses his fame or talent
to abuse girls around him?
Maybe the perp is a respected English
teacher who abuses boys in her
primary school class?
Try to show the diversity of abusers
and the techniques.
Some sex offenders are just violent and
threaten children.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Some offenders will be very careful and
charming and nice. Some mix it up. Some
have completely different approaches.
We are guilty of only ever showing one
type of sex offender in CSE films and
resources and it’s totally unrealistic.
Don’t show online abuse as some fat old
ugly bloke posing as a teenager online to
groom kids, the research does not support
this at all – and it is causing a narrative in
professionals all over the UK who think
that online abuse is a sex offender who
poses as children and then ‘tricks’ them
into meeting them.
There is way too much ‘consultancy’ going
on around these CSE films and resources
where professionals are telling the
developers that the resource is unethical
or incorrect and then the organisation
ploughs ahead and releases it anyway.
I know of at least two resources in the
public domain that were opposed by
experts but were released anyway by the
organisation.
What is the point of holding consultations
if you ignore the experts you invited?
Accept that you might not get the answer
you hoped for.
“Don’t show online abuse as some fat old ugly bloke posing
as a teenager online to groom kids, the research does
not support this at all.”
Avoid a misleading title full of buzzwords
and sensation. Personally, I think that
‘Kayleigh’s Love Story’ is an insult to her
and should have been boycotted the
second it crept out of someone’s mouth.
It’s not catchy or clever to call a video
about a sexual homicide of a child a ‘love
story’.
Do not sell, roll out or deliver a resource
or film that has not been tested
empirically and independently.
In fact, only make a resource or film if
you have sought an expert panel which
includes child, clinical or forensic
psychologists at a bare minimum.
Go to your local universities and ask for a
reviewing panel. Ask for ethical review.
Go and get experts to be your critical
friends and listen to them.
What is the effect of your resource? How
does it work? How do you know? Does it
work the same for all children? Does it
work better for some over others? Why?
Do children benefit from this? How? How
long for? How do you know? Is there any
difference between the children who have
never seen your film/resource and the
children you used it with? How do you
know? How will you test this?
Evaluation is vital. There are so many
CSE films and resources that make
massive claims to reduce abuse, increase
knowledge, protect children, enable them
to spot the signs of abuse, escape abuse,
realise what is happening to them – but
no evidence and no empirical testing.
This is an edited version.
The full blog can be found on:
victimfocus.wordpress.com
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Dr Emma Bond
is a Professor in the Faculty of
Arts, Business
and Applied Social Science
at University of Suffolk
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Professor Emma Bond is a
Professor in the Faculty of Arts,
Business and Applied Social
Science at University of Suffolk
and has over 15 years teaching
experience on social science
undergraduate and post-graduate
courses.
Emma also has extensive research
experience and is a Senior Fellow
of the Higher Education Academy
and a visiting Senior Fellow at the
London School of Economics.
Emma is a member of the British
Sociological Association and the
Society for Research in Higher
Education.
Her research on virtual
environments, mobile
technologies and risk has
attracted much national and
international acclaim and she has
been interviewed for BBC
Breakfast; The Today Programme
on Radio 4; Woman's Hour on
Radio 4; Channel 4s Sex
education Show and for various
national media channels in the
UK, America and Canada.
NEXT MONTH
CCChat will be interviewing
Professor Bond as well as hear
about her current research.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
In 2014, 20 year old Hollie Gazzard was viciously murdered by her
ex-boyfriend. Since then, her family have tirelessly raised
awareness of domestic violence whilst keeping the memory of their
beloved Hollie alive.
Following on from Hollie Guard, an app that turns a smartphone
into a personal safety device by shaking the phone or tapping the
screen to generate an alert. Nick Gazzard, Hollie's father aims to
educate employers on domestic abuse and their obligations to their
employees.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Graham Goulden Dad,
husband, 1986 World Pipe
Band Champion Drummer,
International Leadership and
Violence Prevention Trainer
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
THE INTERVIEW
Graham Goulden
H
i
Graham, thank you so much for agreeing to this
interview. I am really pleased to be interviewing you
especially as I know you are currently away in the
States, working but before we get on to that, let’s start
off gently..
Are you a shower or a bath person?
Wow, what a start to an interview. What the hell in for a penny in for a pound.
A bath gets my vote all of the time. But then again, I’m getting bathrooms
upgraded soon with a new shower. Can I get back to you on that one?
Are you an early bird or a night owl?
Early bird for me. Always keen to get the day started. Always something to
learn. Coffee makes everything better.
For the benefit of those who don’t know, what do you do?
I spent 30 years as a Scottish Police Officer, the last 8 years spent as a Chief
Inspector with the Scottish Violence Reduction Unit (VRU) developing
leadership/bystander programmes in Schools, Universities, with dentists,
hairdressers, the fire service, sports and in the work place. This work focused
a lot on leadership to prevent incidences of bullying, domestic violence and
sexual violence.
Having now retired from the police I’ve set up my own training consultancy
‘Cultivating Minds UK’. I enjoy talking leadership when it comes to
prevention of bullying, domestic abuse and sexual violence. I’m lucky enough
to work from time to time in the United States. This has in past centred on
schools, university campuses and pro-sports. I worked last year with pro
baseball teams supporting prevention work around domestic and sexual
violence. I can always say that I worked with the Chicago Cubs during their
World Series winning season (Go Cubs). I see a real opportunity for sports in
the UK to be engaged in this work I’m also about to speak at an event on
‘heroism’ in Michigan. I know bystanders see friends being abused or being
abusive. We need to help them be the friends and hero’s I know they can be.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
What made you go into this line
of work?
I got into law enforcement as a 19 year
old. It’s something I had always
wanted to do. My last role within the
VRU really turned my world on its
head. I just started to see a world
where my two daughters faced real
issues and challenges. I met some
really interesting people including my
now friend Jackson Katz. Jackson
forced me to self-inspect my attitudes
and behaviours. I have to say it was
like getting hit by a 40-tonne lorry.
Now that I see it I will never be able to
un-see it. For me I just want to engage
others in conversations that allow
them to see the issues at play.
Prevention for me needs to involve a
dripping tap approach. Not one
response will provide the solution. It
will take many small steps and actions
that together will make the difference
we need.
What, in your opinion is the most
misunderstood, the biggest myth
in the understanding of violence
prevention?
For me there are many challenges. The
biggest for me is in how society defines
the term violence itself. Most people
will define violence as the physical
stuff.
“the work I was doing brought me into some conflict with other
colleagues who simply thought that to tackle violence we
needed to come down hard on the criminal. ”
How do people react when you tell
them what you do?
In the last years of my service, the work I was
doing brought me into some conflict with
other colleagues who simply thought that to
tackle violence we needed to come down
hard on the criminal.
I look at violence now through the lens of
public health. This has allowed me to ask lots
of questions about behaviour but at all times
still hold people accountable. What we see
playing out in our communities: the antisocial
behaviour, the violence and the
addictions are often rooted in early years
experiences.
We ignore these at our peril. This for me is
why our collective response to domestic
violence is so important. We will never have
peace on our streets, and in our world until
we have peace in the home. That’s fact. I’ve
persevered and just kept pegging away, so
much so that many colleagues and even
family members now see the issues at play.
The punch, the kick, the slap. A question I
always ask of people is “If we simply
define violence as the end result, how do
we expect to prevent it?” That’s the first
challenge. We need to think differently
and widen our lens when it comes to
violence. There are many other challenges
including how we blame victims, media
consumption, notions of masculinity.
These may have to wait for another time.
Which question makes you cringe?
Not so much a question but a
statement.
As I say above I do a lot of work to
prevent domestic violence and sexual
violence. It’s clear that girls and women
are most at risk and that men are the
main perpetrators.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
I often get men and women reminding
me that men can be victims of
woman’s abuse.
I understand where they are coming
from and of course this form of abuse
is wrong however I sometimes just
want individuals to be able to talk
about men’s violence without having to
focus on woman’s violence. For me it’s
important we separate it.
First thing is not to panic. This is more
about being a friend than having to be
a crime fighter. It’s not your job to
solve this, your role is to be there and
ask the question.
Statements such as “Is everything ok?
I’ve noticed (behaviour/injury). It
looks like something has happened.
You didn’t deserve this.”
Being a bystander to any difficult
situation is going to be difficult
therefor it’s important we think about
our actions if it happened for real. Ask
yourself what’s the alternative if you
do nothing?
“I sometimes just want individuals to be able to talk about men’s
violence without having to focus on woman’s violence.”
If you suspected a friend of yours
of being a victim of violence, how
would you broach the subject, if
at all?
It’s so important that we all start to see
a role in the prevention of violence.
Violence has the potential to be deeply
personal to each and everyone of us.
Victims of violence need our support.
They need to know that they have done
nothing wrong and didn’t deserve their
victimisation.
When it comes to incidences of
domestic and sexual violence this is
vital. These crimes involve power and
control being taken away from victims.
It’s vital we know that we all have the
ability to give some of this power back.
I previously wrote this blog on when a
friend discloses sexual violence. It’s still
very relevant -
https://ggoulden.wordpress.com/2016/
12/05/so-you-want-to-help-heres-how/
( cut and paste into browser)
And what if you thought the friend
was the abuser?
I’m so glad you asked this question. The
ongoing Harvey Weinstein case suggests
that many people around Weinstein knew
what was happening but did nothing.
What does this say to Weinstein?
It gives a form of consent to his actions
and adds to his power. I do however
accept that it can be difficult to challenge
a friend and see a need for us to talk more
about this and provide individuals with
options and ways that this can be done
safely.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Conflict is difficult. We might lose a
friend, we might get hurt. But again,
ask yourself “What’s the alternative?”
I’m not a believer in simply coming at
this head on with a friend. We need to
come more at this from many different
angles. Saying something like “I’ve
noticed your behaviour with ….. I’m a
bit concerned about this. Is everything
ok?
As a man, for me there is a need for
more men to challenge other men on
their abusive behaviour. Let’s not wait
for it to become physical. We need
men to help send out the message that
any form of abuse isn’t tolerated
The conversations will also help us
challenge the thinking of the some. Lastly
we need to provide young people with
safe options that they can use to help,
even challenge their friends. So whilst
education is needed and can happen. For
me its how we engage the young people
that’s critical. I often feel this initial
engagement is missing.
There are some who think the mindset of
a perpetrator cannot be changed and that
change is only possible with a new
generation brought up with different
values. How would you respond to that?
There will be some perpetrators of abuse
that will never change.
“As a man, for me there is a need for more men to
challenge other men on their abusive behaviour.”
How do we educate children in this?
Education is important but for me there is
a step we need to take before education.
There is a real need to open dialog up that
creates a conversations that raise
awareness on these issues. These
conversations allow us to start to provide
the reassurance I feel is needed.
The majority of young people in our
schools possess healthy attitudes that are
being challenged by our culture and
climate. Young people are growing up in a
sexually toxic environment. Yes, we
should be shocked when we read
headlines about increases in sexual
violence in our schools but we shouldn’t
necessarily be surprised.
The reassurance we need to provide will
support young people live their healthy
values.
Criminal justice is the response. I’m doing
work in prisons just now that clearly show
that for some a lack of knowledge around
healthy relationships plays out in the
offences we see. .
I’m not excusing abuse, I just want us to
help some people better understand their
behaviour. In many way’s my approach
forces self-inspection whilst not directly
pointing fingers. A lot of those who
perpetrate abuse have known nothing
else. Behaviours are often taught and
without an opposite they will continue to
play out with harmful consequences.
Again, I’m not excusing abuse. I’m
suggesting that we need to consider the
impact of early adverse childhood
experiences (ACES). The work I’m doing
in prison just now focuses on fatherhood.
Clearly the next generation are at risk of
we don’t look at ways to affect change in
behaviours
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Who inspires you?
For me it’s my daughters Alice and
Jenni. We all need a purpose in our
lives. I know both my girls have
experienced sexism and forms of abuse
in their lives. It angers me and has
forced me to self-inspect my own
behaviours when growing up. This in
many ways have been very helpful. My
girls experiences inspire me to make
the invisible, visible, especially when
working with boys and men. I show a
picture of them at most trainings and
presentations I deliver. They are my
Why.
What is a typical day ?
Retirement from the police hasn’t
meant that I have slowed down. In
fact, I’m as busy as ever. I’m a bit of a
social media addict using it to extend
my learning and connect with likeminded
people. My day often starts
with some web surfing. Preparation is
important for me. I like to ensure my
content is bespoke and current. A lot of
my time is spent developing my
content to ensure those attending
trainings get the most from it.
How do you switch off from
work?
I sometimes find it hard to totally
switch off. There is so much going on
in the world that both upsets and
angers me.
I just want to develop conversations to
help others see the issues at play.
Walking the dog, running, skiing and
enjoying time with my wonderful wife
all excite me.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
“My girls experiences inspire me to make the invisible,
visible, especially when working with boys and men.”
You’re stranded on a desert
island. Which 3 things could you
not live without? You are not
allowed to say people or pets!
My phone with unlimited data so I can
speak with my wife and family as well
as accessing my Spotify account. Love
music.
Graham, Ive really enjoyed this
interview and it's good to know
more about the man behind the
mission. Thank you so much for
giving CCChat this opportunity.
That will do me. Hopefully my wife will
send out the rescue party after I call
her. By the way I’m assuming there
would be a signal.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
2017
Norwich Beer Festival
Leeway - Norwich Beer Fesival's Charity of the Year
As a volunteer for Leeway Domestic Abuse, I helped man the stand at the 40th Norwich Beer Festival in
October. The 6 day festival showcased over 250 different beers and the event overall amount raised for
domestic abuse was in excess of £7,000- a phenomenal amount. Thank you CAMRA and real ale drinkers!
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Charity Focus
Interview with
Mandy Procter
CEO, Leeway
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Mandy Procter
CEO, Leeway
Hi Mandy, thank you so much for
agreeing to this interview. I am
thrilled to be interviewing you.
Leeway is a fantastic local charity
and it was a real pleasure to talk
at your recent conference in July.
So, just starting off gently:
Are you a shower or a bath person?
Bath Are you an early bird or a night
owl? Neither! I hate early morning and
don’t like to be too late going to bed
For the benefit of those who don’t
know, could you tell us what you do? I
am Chief Executive Officer of Leeway
Domestic Violence and Abuse Services
who supports adults, children & young
people experiencing domestic abuse.
What made you go into this line
of work?
I started as a volunteer with the charity
in 1989 & because I was passionate
about wanting to support women and
children who were suffering from
domestic abuse.
How do people react when you
tell them what you do? Outside of
the DV sector that is! “
Oh that must be rewarding” is a
popular response.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
What do you consider to be the
most important qualities in
someone working with victims?
Empathy, understanding, nonjudgemental,
supportive, the ability to
advocate on behalf of others.
Knowledge of safeguarding & safety
planning. Awareness of other agencies
both statutory and voluntary that can
also offer additional support.
Ability to confidence build & empower
victims to make positive life choices.
What advice would you give to
someone who didn’t want to report?
If someone is at risk of immediate harm
or in danger the advice I would always
encourage them to report to the police.
The police powers and responses have
drastically improved over time and the
service is there to offer the emergency
response to emergency situations.
For ongoing harassment, stalking and
other abusive behaviours I again
encourage reporting, the abuser can then
hopefully be brought to account for their
behaviour/s through the criminal or civil
justice processes.
“We currently have six refuges across the Norfolk offering 47
emergency bed spaces for women and children fleeing an
abusive situation. ”
How would you respond to someone
who feels that getting funding for
support services is easy?
I would explain that there are many
competitive processes and hoops to jump
through to obtain funds from a whole variety
of funders & that you would need to not have
all your eggs in one basket so to speak.
Who do you admire?
Professor Liz Kelly
Editor's note:
Professor Liz Kelly was one of a group
of women who set up Leeway in
Norwich, in the 1970's.
What is a typical day for you?
Leadership & decision making,
problem-solving, various meetings, bid
reading, governance support for the
board of trustees, liaising with the
media etc etc.
What positive changes in terms
of victim support have you seen
in your time at Leeway and what
still needs to be done?
Leeway have expanded and developed
our services over the last 44 years. We
currently have six refuges across the
Norfolk offering 47 emergency bed
spaces for women and children fleeing
an abusive situation.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Leeway Community services cover
Norfolk and Waveney meeting people
who are living with or fleeing abusive
relationships this includes our helpline
for women and men, as well as
caseworkers, outreach workers and a
children’s team.
We also have an advocacy service for high
risk service users. We have seen many
changes in attitudes and legislation over
this time and partnership working is a big
move forward in reaching and supporting
people experiencing domestic abuse.
We work closely with Norfolk
Constabulary regarding Claire’s Law and
Coercive Control.
What do you do to relax?
Go to the football, spend time with my
family, go on holidays, visit the
seaside. If you were given 3
wishes, what would they be?
Secure long-term funding for domestic
abuse services, Government legislation
to safeguard victims from further
abuse Norwich City Football Club to
win the Premier League
Finally, you’re stranded on a
desert island. Which 3 things
could you not live without?
Chocolate or cake, glass of wine,
water.
“We have seen many changes in attitudes and
legislation over this time ”
We are also involved in many
consultations, both nationally and
locally, and campaign on various
issues alongside Women’s Aid over
many years to improve the lives and
services for women and children.
Many things still need be done like
having a national stalking register and
also for the government to ensure long
term, secure, funding for refuges, as
well as introducing a Commissioner to
ensure good practice is being carried
out by the police and legal system.
Making sure children and teenagers’,
experiencing DA, voices are heard and
that they have adequate support from
DA services.
Mandy,
Thank you so much for giving
your time to this interview. It is
great to know a little bit more
about the CEO of the charity I
volunteer for.
The sponsored headshave did not
reach the target I had hoped for
but am looking at organising
another fundraising event to
support Leeway.
It will be some form of sponsored
karaoke
but let's get Christmas out of the
way first!
Min
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
ELDER ABUSE
we need to talk
about this
and we need to talk
NOW
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
"MY MUM IS IN DANGER
BUT NO ONE CAN SEE"
Rachel's story
“I am told that dementia is a complex illness. It
isnt. Coercive control is complex behaviour”
Rachel has been trying to get help for
her mother for many years.
She believes her mother is being failed and
there is nothing she can do to make those
who are in a position to help her, see.
She has tried and tried and tried but, instead,
she has come away with the awareness that
SHE is being seen as the problem.
Not the abuser, the emotionally bereft
emotional abuser who has isolated Rachel's
mum, but, instead, the daughter who
desperately wants her mother to be safe.
I have talked to Rachel on numerous
occasions. We have been in contact nearly 2
years. Throughout that time she has told me
what has happened, filling me in on the
background, updating me on the present.
I have literally wanted to bang my head in
frustration at the blind ignorance, the
failings to recognise areas that should flag up
a serious safeguarding concern.
For some reason ,those concerns remain
unflagged. Or, to be more accurate, the case
has been looked into but nothing has ever
been found.
He appears devoted to his wife, so devoted he
spends all his time with her. He claims it is to
reassure her. He claims she only wants him to
look after her.
Rachel's mum has dementia and no capacity. She
tells me of some horrifying examples of lack of
understanding, negligent care and poor practice.
There was the time social care refused to see she
was at risk. She looked well presented so they
surmised she was well cared for- because she was
wearing clean clothes and he had brushed her hai,
she was safe..
There was the time the perpetrator managed to
get a copy of highly confidential meeting notes
discussing the potential risk he posed to Rachel's
mother.
There was the time he admitted giving her his
medication. Highly addictive sleeping pills. He
said he had been told he could do that, if Rachel's
mum became unmanageable and he couldn't cope.
That it did not alert them to possible risk,
especially when he refused social care, saying he
wanted to do it all himself. Even though he
admitted medicating her when he plainly couldn't.
There was the time he insisted on no outside help,
saying he could manage, saying he wanted to be
the one looking after his wife. He was in in
eighties.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Many a time, Rachel has worried that he
might go to the police to make a compaint of
harassment. This would inevitably result in
her not being able to visit her mum,
increasing the already significant isolation
and incresing the risk of harm of Rachel's
mum.
Rachel is exhausted. She has been trying to
have her mum moved to a safer environment
for several years. it has taken a toll on her
health, her relationship with her family and
also on their finances.
She tells me she has not had a holiday
abroad, with her husband, for several years.
She insists on one of them being in the
country in case something happens to her
mum.
There was the time he accused Rachel of
lying and only wanting to get her hands on
the inheritance.
This, even though Rachel wanted her mum
transferred to a care home which would have
eaten up the inheritance she was trying to grasp.
Noone saw the contradiction. It was easier to
scapegoat Rachel as the one with the problem, the
one who was a risk to her mother.
This is no way to live, there is no way this is
sustainable. Rachel spends her life in a
hypervigilant state fretting over what her
mum may be subjected to.
What Rachel can't understand is that others
can see the concerns and yet the
professionals who are supposed to safeguard
her are oblivious to 'red flags'.
“I still expect to be lied to,
stonewalled, by adult social care.”
He had Power of Attorney but even so, Rachel was
unable to find a single domestic abuse support
agency that would look at the case. Why? Because
she lacked mental capacity.
Visits were made as difficult as possible. He
insisted on staying in the room. If Rachel's mum
became confused, he told her that she and Rachel
had had a row and she had told him she wanted
Rachel to go.
Or that she had fallen and needed to stay in bed to
rest and get better, that she is was the one asking
to go to bed, to be left in bed - sometimes all day.
If Rachel said anything, he accused her of
defamation, of lying, of being the bully.
She really struggles with this seemingly
unbelievable cognitive dissonance and
can't help but wonder if she really IS the
problem - as all the professionals have
come to see her.
There have been many times when Rachel
has been tempted to throw in the towel
but a small voice always stops her:
"We all become old eventually."
It is this thought which spurs her on.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
WHEN THE COURTS GET IT WRONG
Kelly's Story
T
T
here is one day now ingrained on my mind. This was
the day that my non molestation order was due to
expire.
As it got nearer this date, my anxiety levels
accelerated and I felt constantly on edge.
I was granted a non molestation order after the CPS dropped my case. The
police advised me to urgently make an application for a non molestation
order after all bail conditions were dropped
The order was finally granted after several weeks of my ex partner continuing
his abuse of me but through the court system. He evaded the application
which had to be served and requested that he would only accept the
paperwork electronically which therefore meant another court appearance at a
further cost.
On the final appearance at court he had stated that he would not contest the
order, however I felt sure that he would on the day. True to form, he
contacted my solicitor stating that he was running late and was stuck in traffic
but was looking forward to seeing her in court, she said he was lovely on the
phone! As my solicitor said she hated dealing with his un- predictable
behaviour.
He arrived at Family Court late; I was petrified, I had requested special
measures due the nature of the case -he had previously threatened to kill me if
I went to the police- but here were none. We were in the same room. My
Barrister informed him of the process,as he was self representing, he would
have been able to cross examine me, if I'd had no legal representation.
True to form he then said he would be contesting the order. My Barrister
informed me that he had re-written the order and informed him that this
would mean a further court appearance and that we would be requesting his
criminal history.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
At this point a member of staff
intervened and we were called in to the
court room.
The Judge immediately said to my Ex
partner it is my understanding that
you were not going to contest this
order however you have now changed
your mind.
I had a good judge that put my ex
partner firmly in his place, he was told
given the seriousness of the allegations
and the fact that you state that you
never want to see this woman again! I
ask why you feel the need to contest
it?
I was utterly relieved that the order
was granted and that I had some sort
of protection and peace of mind.
My ex is calculating and I am all too
aware that whilst there is an order in
place that states that he is not allowed
any contact with myself both directly
or indirectly and not allowed to
instruct a third party to threaten or
intimate me , that I am safe.
All professionals have stated that he is
dangerous and I am a high risk victim
I know.
All professionals have stated that he is dangerous and I
am a high risk victim
At this point he lost his cool and the
judge was able to see exactly the types
of behaviours that had bought us to
this. He swore at me, calling me a liar
and every expletive under the sun, it
was at this point that the judge told
him that he needed to accept the order,
he reluctantly agreed and asked
whether his employer would need to
be informed of this he then stormed
out of court.
I am lucky to have left the relationship
and still be alive, two years on.
However, I was all too aware that I
would need to either move from my
home town when the order expired or
re apply for an extension. The latter is
what I did.
This is a man who says he is a changed
person; he has previous for kidnap,
armed robbery and drug charges.
However he now works for a major
corporation so prides himself on this.
My ex showed his real self at this stage,
completely losing his cool screaming
and shouting at myself and my
barrister in the court waiting room.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Mobbing
WHY WE CAN NOT,
MUST NOT IGNORE
D
D
on't feed the trolls. I hear that a lot. If you follow me
on Twitter, you'll understand why. It's not because I
have an insatiable appetite to respond. To be perfectly
honest, dismissing them would be a relatively easy
thing to do. I choose not to.
Having been in a relationship that was coercive and controlling but where, for the
longest time, I did not recognise that I was the victim ( so carefully had he spun the
web of lies to say it was all me), the BIGGEST question I had was How?
How did I not see it?
How did I not get out?
How did I react in the way that I did?
How was I able to hide it from everyone, especially myself?
These questions, and many more, would lead me down the path of identifying 'red
flags'. Those little signs at the beginning of a relationship that niggle away.You can't
quite put a finger on it, it is uncomfortable, it is there.
It is also a mystery.
It's easy to overlook those subtle 'red flags'.
People are, essentially, nice most of us believe in the goodness on mankind. Many of
us are blessed with humanity. Where it can become an issue is when we overlook
certain signals because we want to give people the benefit of the doubt, we don't
want to judge, we don't want to readily condemn.
Manipulative abusers know this and play on it. They use words like overacting,
paranoid, too sensitive. These words feed into our insecurities. We all want to be
liked.
This brings me onto a subject that conflicts me greatly.
How to deal with the troll?
Don't feed them, ignore, block them.
I hear these comments all the time. There is a bit of a running joke within the
Twitter community that knows me. " She's off again" is fairly common as is, "Are
you ok?"
Those who know me well know that this is what I have to do. I engage to pin point,
to highlight, to document what is THE essence of invisible in plain sight.
The motivations and patterns of abusive mobbing.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Let's be clear, this is not trolling. It's
not some contemptible twit bashing
out his or her inadequacies on a
keyboard. It's not some delinquent
getting his or her jollies. It's not the
cacophony of inflamed anti feminists
screeching loud and proud about
THEIR equality, THEIR
egalitarianism, THEIR inclusiveness.
By ostacising.
Funny that.
When I refer to mobbing, I am
referring to the smear campaigns, the
shouting down, the silencing, the gang
baiting ego driven, hate filled enraged
polemic that operates in tandem.
And, most of all, I refer to the shrill
screeching of the mock outraged who
claim to highlight the injustice of false
allegations.
By making up their own false
allegations.
I refer to the ability of some who goad,
incite, mock, attack, demean, degrade,
humiliate, harangue, defame a target
into responding.
So THEY can claim they are the victim
Or they can say it is 'tit for tat'
Or reciprocal
“Part of recognising what is invisble in plain sight is
acknowledging what is in plain sight.”
I refer to the so called advocates
(SCAs) who trawl the internet for the
prey they seek to validate and verify
their bloated yet empty claims.
I refer to the disaffected who lash out
at all who disagree because THEY have
been hurt, THEY have been violated,
THEY have suffered.
And, somehow, they feel it justifies
their behaviour.
I refer to the axes that are ground by
spreading rumour and innuendo and
fantasy as fact.
When it is ANYTHING BUT.
Part of recognising what is invisble in
plain sight is acknowledging what is in
plain sight.
You can give a blind person a book but
you can't make them see.
If we want stalking, harassment, cyber
bullying, any king of bullying, coercive
control to be taken seriously, we need
to take our heads OUT of the sand and
not only recognise but FLAG UP what
is there.
Right under your nose.
Invisible in plain sight.
Min Grob
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Just some of the examples of 'Mobbing'
Mobbing is not trolling. It is coordinated silencing.
It is a carefully orchestrated and choreographed mass attack on
a common 'foe'.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Just some of the examples of 'Mobbing'
Abusers attach to others to intimidate and denigrate en masse.
It won't be long before the person trying to discredit you starts
engaging with others who disagree with you. to form an alliance.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
GWEN OWEN
Mediator and Panel Member
of CCChat Discussion Group
I
am interviewing Gwen Owen, a commercial and civil
mediator with offices in the medieval grid of Suffolk
market-town, Bury St Edmunds.
Starting next year, the first CCChat Discussion Group
will start, in Bury St Edmunds, with Gwen as one of
the panel members.
Hi Gwen, thank you so much for agreeing to this interview and thank
you also for letting me use your offices for the upcoming CCChat
Discussion Group. I wanted to find out a little more about what you do
so, for the first question: Are you a shower or a bath person?
A bit of both really. Shower in the morning but I love a bath at night. Are you an
early bird or a night owl?
More of a night owl but I can get up in the morning and can hit the floor running, if
I need to.
Your offices are based in the centre of Bury St Edmunds. What is the
best thing about being in Bury St Edmunds?
Oh where do I start! I love the feel of the town:- Abbey Gardens , all the cafés,
independent shops, the Wednesday and Saturday Market, the friendly people, the
Cathedral, the surrounding villages and the community spirit of our Facebook page:
- WE LOVE BURY ST EDMUNDS
As you know, I raise awareness of coercive control. What do you think
needs to be done to improve understanding?
Generally there is no hiding the fact there is physical abuse in many relationships;
we can see the evidence of this when someone has been affected. Mental cruelty and
coercive control, can be hidden by the perpetrator and the victim, therefore if more
people have an understanding of how damaging and dangerous coercive control can
be, there will be more opportunities for victims to be heard and understood.
Hopefully this will result in less situations sliding under the radar.
There is an enormous need to educate potential victims by providing support and
general awareness. The need for self worth, self belief together with the knowledge
they will be listened to, will provide strength to the potential victim. This means the
perpetrator who is attempting coercive control will not have the level of power
required to succeed.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
I know you are a mediator, but
that’s all I know. Could you tell me a
little more about it?
Mediation can be an effective solution
when an argument / disagreement cannot
be rectified with the personnel involved.
It is less costly than resorting to courts
and can often provide a more acceptable
outcome because both parties are given
equal input.
My training in Commercial & Civil
Mediation has been further enhanced by
my training and knowledge in group
counselling.
I fit a gym workout in when I can but
have been lax over the past months due to
spending a number of nights away
looking after my Mother.
I do generally enjoy exercise so I want to
get back into a healthy routine. My day is
then taken up with meeting clients or
potential clients, answering emails and
preparing mail outs.
My hobbies are Dramatics and as a
member of Bury Theatre Workshop, I’m
either rehearsing for a play or helping
with the set-up of the next play, twice a
week.
This provides me with a wonderful outlet
and tremendous fun.
“I believe you need to have an open mind, be non
judgemental and to know you’re not there
to solve their problem.”
Mediation can be effective in many areas
of conflict such as neighbour disputes ,
business agreements • Business
Partnership Disputes , doctor / patient
disputes • family disputes around wills .
My role as a Mediator is to facilitate the
discussions, not to advise or suggest
solutions. I listen to the options each
person wishes to offer and go back and
forth to each person until there is an
agreed acceptable outcome.
What would be a typical day for
you?
I get up around 7 to 7:30 am, check
emails and after showering, arrive in my
office any time from 9 to 10:30 am,
depending on whether I have an evening
group counselling session.
In your opinion, what are the qualities
to look out for in a good mediator?
I believe you need to have an open mind, be
non judgemental and to know you’re not
there to solve their problem. Encourage
people to believe they have the answers and
provide them with the space and belief they
can come up with an acceptable solution.
To contact Gwen:
Email: thewestsuffolkhub@gmail.com
Mobile: 07979 151509
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
New for 2018
CCChat
Discussion Groups
First East Anglia, then nationwide
Making The Invisible Visible
Cambridge
CCChat Discussion Group
Starting 2018
Bury St Edmunds
CCChat Discussion Group
Starting 2018
Norwich
CCChat Discussion Group
Starting 2018
Ipswich
CCChat Discussion Group
Starting 2018
Px
On the 1st Nov our discussion point was
‘financial abuse’ and there was a lot to be
said by many. It created many conversations
and I have selected a few tweets so you can
see what real people are saying about the
topic. Anyone can get involved, all you have
to do is sign into Twitter on the dedicated
time and tweet with the #AbuseTalk.
The account @AbuseChat will retweet and be
involved in the conversation. If you have any
articles, blog posts, thoughts, feelings on
domestic abuse then this is a space were you
can express it
Don’t know what a Twitter Chat is?
“A Twitter chat is a public Twitter
conversation around one unique hashtag.
This hashtag allows you to follow the
discussion and participate in it. Twitter chats
are usually recurring and on specific topics to
regularly connect people with these
interests.”
www.JenniferGilmour.com
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
NEW: Online Book Club
more than books, books with messages
J
ennifer
Gilmour has launched a book club with a difference.
Read books that relate to domestic abuse. There will be
interviews, reviews, a chance to share your thoughts as talking
points and win exclusive signed copies of some of the books
featured. Any questions or want to get involved?
Email: JLJarratt@hotmail.com
Book for November 2017
Autumn Sky by Helen Pryke ????? on Amazon UK. FREE short story on Amazon:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Autumn-Sky-Helen-Pryke-ebook/dp/B01N4G80LN
The day Julia’s best friend Becky gives her a magazine article to read, her whole world falls apart.
After years of emotional and psychological abuse, is Julia ready to face the truth about her perfect
marriage to Simon or will she continue to hide her head in the sand? Autumn Sky is a short story of
7,000 words. It includes an excerpt of Walls of Silence, Helen Pryke’s debut novel. My own thoughts
on Autumn Sky: “What a powerful short story that makes an impact. Helen has done a fantastic job
on portraying the anxiety of a victim and I have to say I particularly valued how she has brought
some of the facts of domestic abuse through a magazine article in the book.
It is a challenging job to educate through fiction when you are using it as a piece of entertainment
and Helen has done this exceptionally well. I wanted to read more and find out what happened
further, I was kept intrigued and I related to the victim. Thank you Helen for this short piece which I
am sure will help those who are in abusive relationships realise they are worth more and that it’s
unacceptable behaviour. A must read”
I had the opportunity to ask Helen a couple of questions:
What would you like readers to gain from your short story?
I hope that my short story will reach readers from all walks of life, both male and female, and help
them understand what psychological abuse is like and why the victim can’t leave in most cases. I
hope that people who have never been in an abusive situation will come away from my story with a
deeper understanding and compassion for those who go through these things every day. Most of all, I
hope that someone who is experiencing this type of abuse will read Autumn Sky and it will give them
the courage, and the hope, to take the first step towards asking for help.
Is domestic abuse at the core of all your writing or do you write about anything else?
My books do have abuse at their core, but they are also about strong women who overcome terrible
situations, despite the odds. I’ve written a full-length novel, Walls of Silence, that deals with all kinds
of abuse – sexual, domestic, psychological, emotional. I wrote it just after having left an abusive
relationship, and it was a way to get rid of the anger and hurt inside me. My latest novel, The Healer’s
Secret, is also about abuse, and the effects it has on a family, but there are other elements interwoven
into the story. Sometimes I need to take a break from writing about such traumatic subjects, and I
have recently published a middle grade children’s book under a pen name, with another one due out
next year.
Thank you Helen for giving your time to answer those questions. Do you have thoughts on
Autumn Sky? Email me by the end of November at jljarratt@hotmail.com.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
The Gallery Highwaymans
Risby, Nr Bury St Edmunds
01284 810283;
www.thegalleryhighwaymans.co.uk
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
The Gallery Highwaymans is situated
just outside Bury St Edmunds.
If you're planning an event in Bury St
Edmunds, this venue has facilities
measuring 30 square feet (3 square
meters), including a meeting room.
Free self parking.
Make yourself at home in one of the 8
guestrooms. Complimentary wireless
Internet access is available to keep you
connected. Conveniences including
desks, and both irons/ironing boards
and cribs/infant beds (surcharge) are
available on request.
An ideal venue for a gallery opening, a
conference, a retreat or just an escape
to the country.
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Elizabeth Hodder
Gross & Co Solicitors
If you need to see a solicitor but don't qualify for legal aid,
then pared down straight talking is what you need
Elizabeth Hodder is a Solicitor,
Collaborative Lawyer, Partner and
Head of the Family Law
Department at Gross & Co in Bury
St Edmunds, Suffolk.
She sees clients from all walks of life
including:- Doctors, Dentists, Vets,
Solicitors, Bankers, Accountants,
Teachers, Farmers, Police Officers, Prison
Officers, Grandparents.
As well as members (serving and retired)
of HM Forces, Financial Advisors, Small
Business Owners and
throughout England and abroad.
Elizabeth also acts for a large number of
expatriates whose domicile may or may
not be in the UK, but who have issues
which need to be resolved in the English
Courts.
About Elizabeth:
Elizabeth has practised as a Solicitor in
Bury St. Edmunds since qualifying in
1984 and has been actively involved in
the local community over the years in
may roles including : Trustee of the
Bury St Edmunds Citizens Advice
Bureau Trustee of Relate (formerly
West Suffolk Marriage Guidance)
Director of Women’s Aid. Trustee of
Meningioma UK (a registered charity
providing support and information for
people with a rare form of brain
tumour)
In her spare time, which she admits is
scant, she enjoys many sports and
activities including going to the gym;
pilates; tennis; cycling; walking;
looking after my allotment.
Elizabeth Hodder
Gross & Co
83-84 Guildhall St, Bury Saint
Edmunds IP33 1LN
Tel: 01284 763333
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Specialisations:
Financial settlements, Living Together
Agreements Contact/Residence of children
Cases involving a foreign or international
element with assets in the UK or abroad
www.gross.co.uk
Editor's note:
Elizabeth was my divorce lawyer. I had
a strong need to get out of the
marriage as soon as possible and
chose to divorce without looking at
child arrangements and financial
matters. As a result of that I was
divorced within 4 months and acted as
a litigant in person for children and
financial.
This isn't a step for everyone but I
needed to free myself from the control
as soon as I could as I felt suffocated.
Elizabeth made it happen.
MG
CCChat Magazine - Making the Invisible Visible
Change language