OLIVER SHIFLISH - LESS FEAR MORE HAPPINESS (sample)

Oliver Shiflish
Less Fear
More Happiness

TO THE MEMORY OF MY BROTHER NIKOLA.
TO MY FRIENDS VLADO, ADNAN, GEZA, IMRE, MIKI, RAJAN...
MY FATHER IMRE.
ALL MY BELOVED ONES…
YOU LIVE FOREVER WITH ME AND IN ME…

IV

PREFACE
I was born in Subotica – Szabadka in the former Yugoslavia,
a multinational, multicultural and multi-religion city. In
the war of 1991, I lost my country; but after a couple of
months of despair, I realized that I had gained the whole
world… and not only realized it but embraced it in full! I
finished my studies in economics and later made a decent
success in the film distribution and film production field
with my company, Best Hollywood… I now have twentyfive
Berlinale and Cannes Film Festivals behind me.
My dear readers… I am a person who expresses his
feelings freely and that’s the way I have written this book…
I know that there may be readers who find some parts of
the book too harsh, but isn’t life itself, from time to time,
harsh with us as well? I was writing it as my inner voice
told me and it might be hurtful – because we see and
perceive many things differently. But please understand
that, by no means, is it my intention to offend anyone;
and if I have or do, please accept my apologies.
V

My belief is that there exists only one Universal Truth…
Universal Love…Universal Faith…Universal Power, and
it cannot be cut into pieces…It is referred to by way of
different names and explained in different ways but it is
still One. Many of us use different words to describe a sky
but regardless of those different points of view it is still
the same sky… Or, it is like the different images and faces
reflected in a mirror. The mirror is still a mirror and it is
not influenced by all those different reflections. A human
can be called by different names but it is still the same
person. Our Mother is the same person even if we call
her Mom, someone calls her sister, daughter, aunty... So,
please look for the essence of this book. I am sure that
you will enjoy reading it if you do.
VI

Author and publisher: Oliver Shiflish
Tharlam Guest House, Kathmandu, Nepal
Szendro utca 18a Budapest, 1123 Hungary
Tel, viber, whatsApp: +36 30 6631663
email: fiucskam@gmail.com
Copyright © 2016. All rights reserved with the author.
ISBN: 978-615-80683-2-1
ISBN: 978-615-80683-3-8 epub
Library of Congress Control Number: 20164010202
Typography, artwork and cover:
Pál Schilling
www.vadamedia.hu
Cover for the Norwegian version painted by
Pushpa Magar, Boudhanath, Kathmandu, Nepal.
Printed and bound by:
cmyk Press Kft.
Kastély utca 12. Inárcs, 2365 Hungary
nyomda@cmykpress.hu
+36 70 316 69 98
VIII

CONTENTS
1. WHY DID I WRITE THIS BOOK? ................... 1
2. WHEN AND WHERE WAS OUR FEAR “BORN“ ....... 5
3. EXPLANATION AND THE CONSEQUENCES ........ 13
4. WHAT ARE THE SITUATIONS, THE REASONS
THAT BLOCK US IN GETTING FREE FROM FEAR? ... 21
5. “DEFENDING“ OURSELVES FROM FEAR ........... 29
6. WHY TAKE ACTION? WHY SHOULD WE GO
FOR POSITIVE CHANGE? ....................... 33
7. WHAT TO DO? HOW TO PROCEED? .............. 41
8. INSTRUCTION FOR ACHIEVING HAPPINESS . ...... 49
9. TEACHINGS ALONG
THE PATH & PERSONAL STORIES ............... 59
10. JUST A COUPLE OF THOUGHTS TO SHARE
BEFORE I FINISH ............................. 91
11. CONCLUSION. ............................... 95
BIBLIOGRAPHY ................................. 99
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS. ......................... 103
IX

X

FOREWORD
”WHAT CAN I SAY?”,………………..”WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”
………………..”HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS?”. These
were just a few of the myriad of questions that were flying
around in my mind as I prematurely left my first meeting
with Oliver.
Please allow me to give a little background information
at this point. I am an Englishman having 62 years of life
experience. I have lived and worked in Hungary for more
than 20 years as an English teacher, proof-reader and
business skills trainer. Furthermore I have been gifted
with a wonderful Hungarian wife and three beautiful
young children. I have a 12 year old son and 9 year old
twins, one son and one daughter.
One day, about 5 months ago, my wife asked me to take
my daughter to a birthday party, to which she had been
invited by one of her classmates. The venue was a ’wallclimbing’
club here in Budapest. I reluctantly agreed to
do it, as the thought of spending 3 hours with a group of
9 year old girls and their mothers was not my idea of an
ideal programme for a Saturday afternoon.
When we arrived my worst fears were realised, indeed the
children had been accompanied by their mothers, apart
from one, the father of the girl hosting the party had also
attended. Please do not get me wrong, my reluctance was
not due to my dislike of females or children, rather to my
inability to communicate in the Hungarian language. As
it turned out both the hosting girl’s mother and father
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were Croatian diplomats working in their embassy in
Budapest and thus their English was at quite a high level.
The party got underway and quite soon the father and
I found ourselves left alone. He asked me if I could play
”Csocso”(table football) and having responded in the
affirmative we spent the next hour playing and chatting
about everything and nothing, Later the children joined in
and it turned out to be a very enjoyable experience.
Now back to the issue at hand. A few days later my wife
recieved an e-mail from the girl’s mother asking if I would
be prepared to help a friend of hers by proofreading a
book that he was going to publish. I agreed and so the
’die was cast’.
Oliver and I arranged to meet, for 2 hours, in the coffee
shop of the office building in which I work every morning.
An office building which, although it is occupied my
several multi-national companies, I find a tranquil oasis
amid the hustle and bustle usually found in any capital
city in the world. So, after my usual very pleasant lesson
with my student, I opened the door to the coffee shop at
the appointed time 9:30.
Due to the fact that it was during peak office hours it
was virtually empty. There was one person sitting there
who I felt sure could not be the person I had come to
meet. However this ’bear’ of a man stood up with arms
outstretched and said ”John!” greeting me like a long lost
friend. I started to feel a little uncomfortable because of
my ’englishness’. He suggested that we sit next to each
other so as we could both see what was displayed on
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his beaten up notebook and the ’scribblings’ on various
pieces of paper. Was this really an author of a book? He
was enthusiastic about the few suggestions that I made,
however I was not sure what his mission was. I very politely
drank my cappucino and made my excuses, falsely to my
shame, as to why I had to leave after only 30 minutes of
our scheduled 2 hour meeting. He totally accepted the
situation and we agreed that he would send a few pages
of his manuscript for me to peruse the following day.
As I walked away shell-shocked and bemused from this
emotional and enthusiastic ’tsunami’ of a man I thought,
apart from the questions that I stated at the beginning,
”That was a lucky escape”.
On my way home I had the opportunity to reflect on what
had happened and a small light was turned on!
The following day, as promised, the pages arrived and I
started to ’do my job’. As I read, the realisation of what
this was all about hit me like a ton of bricks! Here was a
man who was pouring out his heart and soul for all to see.
Over the following weeks Oliver and I met several times
to discuss my changes to his manuscript and, surprisingly
for me, sometimes just to meet either in my local or his
home and enjoy each others company. Initially I had ’fear’
of this man because he was different and challenged my
sensebilities, however since I have got to know him he
has become a friend.
As he himself says, you can treat this book in several
ways. I myself would say that whilst I do not agree with all
XIII

the reasons he gives for us having the underlying fears,
probably because I have never experienced them, I whole
heartedly agree that we should embrace them and see
the love within them.
So to answer the questions I was asking myself at the
beginning:
”WHAT CAN I SAY?”……I can say that now I am starting to
get the message.
”WHAT JUST HAPPENED?”……I probably just met one of
the most honest, caring, loving and understanding people
that I have ever met in my life.
”HOW DID I GET MYSELF INTO THIS?”……By being open
and willing to accept the possibiliy that something new
does not have to be feared.
In conclusion I would say that when you pick up this book
and start to read, please finish it, whether it takes a few
hours, weeks or months, before you pass judgement. As I
said before I do not agree with everything that Oliver says
but I believe in his underlying message.
Make of this book, as I also did with Oliver, what you will.
John P. Child
princeessuli@t-online.hu
XIV

FOREWORD FROM AN OLD FRIEND
If you wish to embark on a wonderful personal journey
towards Enlightenment you are holding the right book
my friend. Whether you are a novice to the path of
Enlightenment, or you have already started your journey,
this book will offer you guidance and hopefully the
right decisions as to how to face your fears which will
undoubtedly hinder your progress towards fulfillment.
So, please be ready to be open minded when reading
this book as that is the very first step in helping you to
unblock the fear of embarking on your path towards
Enlightenment.
My journey started on the day I met Oliver. At the
time I needed some outside help dealing with an issue
surrounding my former business partner. Without
knowing much about me, Oliver immediately offered his
full support to help deal with my problem. We gradually
became friends. That is when Oliver started to open up
more about his path while at the same time he made
every effort to pass on the teachings and wisdom of his
Master.
Like our friendship, Oliver’s teachings have gradually
grown on me and my views on life in general have
widened tremendously. His Master’s teachings have
certainly helped me to embrace my new path and at
the same time deal with my day to day issues whether
personal or business related. For the past eight years our
friendship has endured and further strengthened, though
sometimes the road has been a bit rocky (no doubt due
XV

to some clashing of egos).Given that we are both part of
the cinema community, on many occasions I have had
the opportunity to accompany Oliver on business trips
throughout Europe where the never-ending teachings
continued and I wasn’t always the only recipient. Oliver’s
relentless resilience cannot rest, and thus he continues
to reach out to any willing listeners no matter what the
current location and situation is. Of course, these journeys
are just as beneficial to him as they are to us,listeners/
learners. While we gain new knowledge, wisdom and help
Oliver gains new friendships and the comforting thought
that his contributions to the world help to bring humanity
one step closer to Enlightenment.
Zoltan Furedi, filmmaker
XVI

THE CONTEXT
XVII

XVIII

1. WHY DID I WRITE THIS BOOK?
My dear readers! I am always asking myself: why did I
decide to write this book?
Well...there are a couple of reasons.
The first is that one day I was sitting in my office in
Budapest, typing a complicated e-mail in Hungarian
concerning some dispute over DVD sales. Suddenly
something stopped me and made me grab a piece of
paper from the desk. I started to write in English about
fear; actually “contemplating on fear“. Those were the
first words I wrote on that piece of paper, and I wrote
another four and a half pages in total. It was the core of
this book.
Please, don’t misunderstand me! Of course this moment
didn’t spring from nothing. Let me explain with an
example... It is like when you see a young shoot of let’s
say corn, pop out of the ground. It didn’t come from
nothing. It might have been there, under the ground, for
a long time in a form of a seed but with the help of the
sun, water, and minerals, it finally manifested as a plant.
It is the same case with my four and a half pages... The
Seed of Knowledge was planted into me by my Root
Master, Tanpai lama Rinpoche in 2008. Actually, the seed
of knowledge was a technique to access the Universal
Knowledge. We often don’t know how to access it – like
the radio waves, we are surrounded by them but need a
radio in order to tune in to their frequency.
1

At this time Master introduced me to the technique of
finding the frequency for Universal Knowledge… This
process is still ongoing today and has been nourished
by His selfless, devoted teachings and kept warm by
His enormous and endless loving compassion. Yes,
the Knowledge from my Root Master, the knowledge I
received from my Sangha 1 , the Knowledge from other
Masters, the knowledge from my friends, the knowledge
from ordinary people, the knowledge nature gave me,
knowledge from the insects, the teaching I received from
animals, from poor people, from the rich, from scholars,
from unlettered ones – The Universal Knowledge helped
this book to its manifestation and thus to be in your
hands right now.
The second reason is that in my life, I guess just like all
of you, I have witnessed the sufferings of many people.
As a result of those sufferings, people lived unhappy
lives and died prematurely, their minds, souls and
bodies overtaken by fear. I have seen that fear emerges
wherever ignorance (in other words – lack of knowledge,
or insufficient knowledge) is present. I realized that the
only tool, the only antidote that we have at our disposal
for ignorance is Knowledge.
By elevating our level of realization we reduce the level
of fear, and happiness emerges more and more. It is like
learning a foreign language; you have less conflict as you
1 Sangha is a word in Pali and Sanskrit meaning “association”,
“assembly,” “company” or “community” and most commonly refers
in Buddhism to the monastic community of ordained Buddhist
monks or nuns. (Wikipedia)
2

start to enjoy your visit to another country that uses it.
Nowadays, the whole world is learning to speak a new
language, and they relax when they are better able to
communicate in that language.
Here is another example. As you advance in your driving,
skiing or even cooking skills, you enjoy doing it more and
more.
So, I want all of you to be able to ski like Ingemar Stenmark
or Bode Miller (or any of the best skiers in the world at the
moment you read this book…), drive like Louis Hamilton
or Dale Earnhardt, play tennis like Jimmy Connors or
Roger Federer, cook like Jamie Oliver or my Mom...and to
enjoy it to the full!
3

4

2. WHEN AND WHERE WAS OUR FEAR
“BORN“
Yes, as I am quite sure as you already know, we
inherit traces of our fear from our mother, father, our
grandparents, from all of our ancestors. But our first
major fear is in fact created when, after spending nine
months undisturbed in the womb, we are squeezed out
through a narrow tunnel.
After those nine months of tranquility and safety, we are
shocked by the hours of struggle between life and death.
We absorb the enormous fear our mother has for our
life... and what a relief, what a great happiness it is when
we finally exit the tunnel. We are so relieved that we start
to cry!
Happiness from survival in this moment has a lasting
effect. Later, sub-consciously, we don’t want to remember
the fear and trembling we went through. So, we decide
to leave the fear of death behind us and celebrate
the “escape”. In so doing, we fall into the biggest trap
of all: turning away from death, not accepting it, not
acknowledging the inevitable... It means we carry an
invisible ball and chain throughout our lives; it is always
with us.
On very rare occasions we may feel that there is something
wrong.... an extra burden of some sort, though we don’t
know exactly what it is, and this burden affects every
aspect of our lives.
5

We are not aware that the root of all our negative actions
is a strong, subconscious reaction to the fear of death,
and we are trying to
escape, to get loose from it, but it is not letting go; so the
more we worry, the unhappier we are, the more we try to
run away, the stronger its grip becomes.
Here is one example: Can you imagine a father sending his
newly born son, his first child, to live the first seven years
of his life with the boy’s grandparents, in a faraway city? He
himself spends those seven years living in the family house
with an adopted son whom he doesn’t like at all. Well, that
adopted son was me.
I know it all started with my mother’s fear of living alone after
she divorced my father... Subconsciously she was compelled
to “hunt” for a new husband. Nothing else mattered. All the
women from my mother’s neighborhood made a vow: don’t
you worry, we will find you a husband!
Now, at that time I was eleven and my mother acted almost
like I didn’t exist. I was given food and shelter and that was
it. Hunting down a husband was her top priority. Finally, they
found Lazar: a tall and very handsome guy, whom women
adored, and who had never wanted to get married in his life.
But my mother was “smarter”, and she tricked him by getting
pregnant. And that’s how my beautiful brother was born –
an adorable baby, I was so happy to have him in my life.
There was a thirteen year difference between us, so he was
almost like a son to me... But we were together for only a
couple of months before he was sent to a faraway city to his
6

grandparents. Just imagine the suffering my brother went
through in those seven years, seeing his parents and his
brother only on rare weekends, and then, farewell.
Later, when he was telling me about those days, he said
that as we left in the car on Sunday afternoons he would
run after it, really believing that he could catch up with an
accelerating vehicle.
Seven years went by and my brother started elementary
school; finally he was reunited with his mother and
father. In the meantime I got into a fight with my
stepfather and left home, so it was just the three of
them. Years passed and my brother grew up and became
a famous gynecologist-laparoscopic surgeon, but was
never happy… always full of tension and a look of lacking
something written over his face. He got married, had two
sons. Then suddenly, in his thirty-seventh year... Cancer...
One operation... then another one... a total of six over
a period of two years. There came a moment, two or
three weeks after his second operation when he felt able
to open up for the first time, and began to speak about
the seven years with his grandparents; then later, about
his years at elementary school. He said his father never
praised him, never congratulated him, never patted his
shoulder in acknowledgement.
Today, for me, the explanation of this is easy. My brother’s
father never wanted to have a child, so he refused to
accept him. He refused to accept something that was
forced on him. My brother lived his whole life expecting
to get some gesture of recognition, a word to save him, a
7

hug to comfort him. But it never came. Furthermore that
made him ill, so ill that eventually he died, prematurely,
never having had real enjoyment from life.
I say that my brother was determined to die young even
before he was born. It was THE FEAR of our mother, the
fear of remaining helpless in solitude, ultimately the fear
of death that produced all his suffering. She wanted only
to “save” herself, not caring about anything else. Actually,
what she wanted was a simple thing. She wanted to
remarry after a divorce. It seems the most natural thing
to do, and yes it is natural, but in this case my mother let
her fear possess her... fear took over the command, and
love along with loving compassion were pushed away. It
was the cause of all the suffering of my brother, and also
others in our family – my brother’s two sons, my nephews,
who witnessed the early death of their father. And so the
trail of fear continues.
By going back in time I realized that the initial fear for my
mother started much earlier. In the Second World War,
at the age of 10, our mother was sent to be a housemaid,
hundreds of kilometers away from home. Her father got
rid of both her and her two brothers, because he couldn’t
feed all seven children during the war. When my mother
spoke of those days, she remembered being forced to
work so hard that she asked for death to come so that
she could eventually rest.
Fortunately, her physical will to live was stronger and she
survived the war. But the fear was deeply embedded in
her mind from this point – fear of being alone at age 10
8

made her desperate to hunt for a new husband later on.
This is how far I can trace the root of fear that was the cause
of my brother’s unhappy life and premature death. You are
right to think – somebody has to stop this trail of suffering!
Yes! I agree. The only question is: who must do it? And
how!?
But before I explain that, please acknowledge that
I am not blaming my mother or my stepfather for any
wrongdoing... Not at all! They were doing the best that
they could at the time. But fear and ignorance were
blocking their clear, natural view.
So never blame our parents, we have to give them all the
respect we can, because we wouldn’t be here if we hadn’t
had them. However, we can and should condemn their
wrongdoings.
So, we love and respect our parents, and we will do
until our last breath, but we condemn their negative
actions and omissions.
Yes! The next step in stopping the trail of suffering is
to identify who should take charge and how? Who is
responsible? Actually, the answer is simple...It is ourselves
and nobody else! If we rely on somebody else to help us,
they can only distract us for a short period of time before
the fear comes back again. It is embedded in our minds
and we are the only ones who can yield control over our
minds. Yes, we can receive instructions, seek the recipe or
the right technique from an outside source – but we are
9

the ones who have to execute it. It is left for us to come to
a realization, an understanding, and then work on it.
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no
one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
Buddha
And now I will tell you how to do it.
We have to start by observing and analyzing ourselves in
order to find the source of fear; to find who or what is giving
existence to it, and then gradually work on dissolving it.
We condemn the misbehaviors and negative actions of our
parents and ancestors, but at the same time we accept them
because we understand that at that moment they thought
they were doing the best they could. Unfortunately in their
ignorance 2 (“Ignorance” may be offensive, so I will use another
expression – “lack of knowledge”), our parents let fear direct
and steer them. Become aware of that, and realize that you
still carry their negative actions. Recognize that you are the
only one who has a chance to stop the trail of negativity! Make
a decision, and become an observer of your mind, thoughts,
speech and actions and do it with full awareness. Surround
yourself with mirrors, watch yourself with cameras from every
angle and become a “hunter” for negative thoughts.
Be aware that our negative thoughts are the result of
our own self-protection against fear.
We have to develop the ability to foresee what
2 ignorance: the state or fact of being ignorant: lack of knowledge,
education, or awareness ( Merriam-Webster )
10

consequences our actions would have. We have to act
cautiously, alert ourselves whenever we see a potential
hazard, and correct ourselves.
Here I will give you an example how I corrected myself.
Still a long way to go but there are concrete results
already. When I was younger, being a Gemini in astrology,
I believed that I was able to help every person whom I
met (thanks to God, I retain this belief!). So, I promised my
unconditional help to everybody who asked, and many
times I even offered it to those who didn’t ask.
But, I didn’t take one thing into account! That the day
consists of only 24 hours, and the time needed to fulfill all
my promises required at least 36. And what happened? I
left many, many people – including my close friends and
family – waiting for the help that I had promised. This
caused suffering to them for reasons which I was not
aware of at that time and this ignorance continued for
tens of years while I made more and more people suffer,
blinded by my “optimism”. I didn’t notice how serious the
consequences were. Only a couple of years ago, I started
observing myself with full awareness and it was then that
I realized the effect of my omissions, of my failures to
act. Observation with full awareness, before we do or say
something, bears us its fruits. In almost all religions you
hear this warning: you can cause happiness or suffering
– joy or pain – with your thoughts, with your words, with
your actions and with your omissions.
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So, we can cause happiness or suffering to ourselves
and to others with:
1. our thoughts
2. our words
3. our actions
4. our omissions (failures to act)
Before we say or do something there is a thought.
Therefore the most important thing is to focus on our
thoughts.
Forget about words, actions and omissions and
concentrate on observing your thoughts. In fact, become
a hunter for the negative ones. As soon as you see one
emerge just push it back and replace it with a positive
one and only then utter a word or do something. Every
time you succeed in replacing a negative thought with
a positive one, collect a white pebble. Every time you
don’t, collect a black one. You will see as the days pass by,
the daily pile of white pebbles will be bigger and bigger,
and the daily pile of the black ones smaller and smaller.
After a while, even just a couple of days, you will feel the
connection between a bigger pile of white pebbles and
increased happiness.
12

3. EXPLANATION AND THE CONSEQUENCES
All negative actions – like anger, worry, doubt, despair,
anxiety, jealousy, grasping, craving, and hatred – have
their root in fear, and ultimately in the fear of death.
Imagine a tree, where all the branches represent different
kinds of fears: one is a fear of losing a job, another is
losing a partner, losing a parent, fear of running out of
money, fear of becoming sick, fear of losing a home, fear
of being crippled in an accident, fear of being the victim of
an assault, fear of being robbed, or even the simple fear
of what will happen tomorrow.
All these branches gain their nourishment from the trunk
which extends all the way to the root of the tree. And at
the deepest root of this tree, we find the main source of
all our fears: the fear of death.
So, what’s there to be done? Should we cut off the
branches? If we do, new ones will grow, just like weeds
coming back again and again. It will only temporarily
solve the problem.
No, we have to get to the root of all problems, to the
root of all weeds, to the root of all fears – to remove, to
eradicate the root of our tree of fears. No matter what
tool you use – a spade, a shovel, an axe – it is only when
we have approached the tree, and are close to it, that we
can see that there is a thick, solid, stable wall around the
tree trunk, and this would prove to be unbreakable.
13

In fact, the tree is surrounded by a wall of ignorance.
And it is this that we must break through, by finding the
right method, the right antidote. Just as in using the right
antibiotic we may swiftly overcome the infection. Or by
using the appropriate stain remover we may get rid of a
stain. Or by using a proper wrench we are able to loosen
a seized screw. We must find the right tool to pull down
this wall of ignorance.
I feel that you already know the answer… Yes! The right
and the only antidote is THE KNOWLEDGE.
We learned early in our life that by pressing a switch on
the wall, there would be light in the room; or by striking a
match against a matchbox, there would be a flame; or by
turning the pedals, our bicycle would move. By learning
and accumulating knowledge, we see that wall of ignorance
slowly diminish, and we are able to start cutting, uprooting
the tree, the root of all our sufferings. In so doing we
witness our happiness as more stable than ever before.
Here is another example from my life with wider
implications than the previous one (much wider).
I am a film-producer and distributor of films in Hungary
and in the last twenty years I have presented over 300 films
in cinemas. At one Cannes Film Festival, I bought the right
to distribute a film called “Intervention Divine” made by a
Palestinian director. While I was preparing to distribute the
film in cinemas, I received a phone call from my friend who
was the head of another film distribution house. He asked
me if I was not afraid to distribute the film in Hungary.
14

I was surprised to hear this because we had similar taste
in films – we often bid for the same ones. I replied that I
didn’t see any reason not to distribute it, and carried on
with necessary preparations for a release.
A couple of days later came another call, this time from a
man involved in film circuits but with much more “weight”
with respect to religious commentary. He was the brother
of the main Rabbi (at that time) of Budapest. Over the
phone, he emphasized to me the same concerns as my
friend.
Instead of answering straight away, I asked him if I could
come over and we would talk about it face to face. He gladly
accepted and I printed out a list of all the territories in the
world where Intervention Divine was being released. If I
remember correctly, it was 65 countries, including Israel.
I went over to his apartment. I showed him the list.
After a pause, he told me with deep sadness that most
of the second generation Jews after the Holocaust, react
strongly to anything that might be interpreted as being
against Jewish people. I was glad that he was able to
speak so frankly, but at the same time sad....sad because
attitudes like this initiate division between those who
feel the right to be afraid and possible attackers. Most
people are blinded by fear and thus they don’t see that
their reactions create division... They don’t realize that
this division brings suspicion... suspicion brings hatred...
hatred brings anger.... anger brings incidents... incidents
lead to conflicts.... and there is no end to it.
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There is no end to the building up of negative energies.
They result in forced, premature death... constant
suffering... disaster... catastrophe... war.
On the other side, purging the negative energies that fear
evokes has a definite end, which is PEACE... FREEDOM...
UNDERSTANDING... LOVE... HAPPINESS.
So, how to get rid of negative energies? By building up our
positive energies? Well, not quite. Why is this?
Positive energy is our nature. It is our essence. We
should call it by its real name: LOVE. The only thing
we need to do is get rid of fear, and our nature will
start to shine automatically. Just clean off the mud
that has adhered to our “golden hearts “and it will
shine again.
As babies we were born with golden hearts, but with age
negative influence from our surroundings clings to us.
Mud layers accumulate around our hearts, concealing it
in such a way that we forget that we have a golden heart,
that we have a heart full of love, made of love.
But in removing the mud our heart will shine as it did in
our childhood… it will shine and bring happiness to us
and to others.
Here is an example from my life to support this thought.
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The other day a young man asked me how he would know
which path was best for him. I said: you can choose from
two possibilities... so imagine yourself in two different
situations. One is a comfortable, pleasant situation, full of
love, where you feel good...(you can do the same as you are
reading this). The other is a situation where you are arguing
or even fighting with somebody... So, one is calm, full of
ease, and the other is pressurized with negative tensions.
Do you have both situations in your mind? If you have
them, examine what led to the pleasant situation and
what led to the unpleasant one. Of course you will come
up with the answer: “I felt happy when I was able to put
away all my worries, anxieties all my negative emotions,
open my heart and act naturally, without fear... Happiness
emerged... Maybe it didn’t last long but it showed up and
we enjoyed it”.
So, of you, of the young man, I ask… what is the conclusion?
Whenever you are tense, evoke your happy moments
and remember what made you and your loved ones feel
relaxed, calm... Yes, the key for choosing the right path
is putting the fear away, so practice it all the time.For a
start, remember this advice when you “catch“yourself
feeling tense, or constrained (or even better, just before
you fall into a negative state). In the beginning you may
succeed only once in ten or twenty times, but eventually
you will have more and more success turning negative
situations into a positive ones. Later on in this book I will
explain in detail how to effect this transformation from
negative to positive.
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These days, many people ask me for help. I spoke to my
unhappy neighbor a couple of times and since then his
life has moved in a positive direction. He then asked me to
help his older sister because she is seeing a psychiatrist.
I went to the city of Pécs and met Nicoletta, an elegant
lady in her late thirties but full of tension. Three years
ago she inherited approximately 200,000 Euros and still
has it in her account (that’s a lot of money in Hungary! Or
anywhere!). She is a personal assistant to one of the best
doctors in the region. She has a big apartment, but no
peace of mind, no inner harmony.
We spoke for just an hour and a half and she told me that
since she lost her father three years ago she has never
been sure of making the right decision in anything. She
said: I never know whether my father would approve
of what I do. I told her, well what do you think that your
father would say if he saw you like this... broken down...
indecisive... would he like that? She replied that no, he
would be unhappy to see her in such a state.
I asked her to imagine that she was standing on a bus,
holding a pole. The pole allowed her to stand still despite
the breakings and turns made by the vehicle. If someone
took away that pole, the way her father was taken from
her, you wouldn’t know what to do. The pole was your
savior from fear, and now it’s not there anymore. You
tumble, you clutch at the air, you are thrown all around.
But you don’t realize that you just have to stop searching
for that pole. Take the empty seat in front of you or see
another pole that is in front of your nose. You don’t
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know to do this, because nobody thought to give you
instruction… your parents didn’t teach you to make your
own decisions... I say it again: they are not to blame!
It is their lack of knowledge that caused your lack of
knowledge.
Nature is the best teacher. Just watch the mother hen...
when the chicks are small she always opens up her wings
to cover and protect them... but when they grow bigger,
if they run towards her for shelter, she just knocks them
back with her beak. She is teaching them to make their
own decisions. She is teaching them to be independent
and fend for themselves. I told this story to Nikoletta and
asked her to call me back the following week.
Well, next week came and went and she didn’t call, but
I heard from her younger brother that she was fine and
taking no more pills. It may be construed as a gift that
she was able to make this decision on her own, without
feeling the need to tell anyone. Thanks God that she did
it, however if she had been brave enough to express
gratitude, it would have enabled her to reach higher
levels of happiness. At the end of this book I shall share
my reflections on this subject again.
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4. WHAT ARE THE SITUATIONS, THE
REASONS THAT BLOCK US IN GETTING
FREE FROM FEAR?
So, fear resides in us for many reasons. But let’s put it in
some simple sentences.
Fear is in us, it dwells in us, because we didn’t receive
proper teaching. It will haunt us until we receive the
correct teaching: understand it, accept it and start
acting according to what we understand.
Simple as that!
So, let’s talk about some reasons why fear takes hold:
In the western world, the most common reason is
that our parents divorced as we were growing up.
They perhaps had misunderstandings, quarrels and
maybe even fights. They were more concerned with
their own relationship and, as such, didn’t have time
to give proper preparation and instruction for the
road called LIFE to us in our formative years.
In other words, they did not have the time, energy, and
concentration to teach us how to catch a fish. In the
teaching of Jesus Christ, if you give somebody a fish you
will feed him for one meal and he will be hungry again
tomorrow; but if you teach him how to catch a fish he will
never be hungry again.
There is a nice word in Hungarian which is fitting for the
right instructions for life. It is ÚTRAVALÓ... útravalo are
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the food and drink given to us in our childhood, in most
cases by our parents, when we are going on a long trip.
In most cases our mother puts it in our backpack or in
our bag. It loosely translates as provisions, but especially
from parents. In the case of having divorced parents we
receive our daily meals, but nobody gives us provisions
for the road called LIFE.
Though divorce is a prevalent reason for fear to take hold
in the western world, it takes place in other parts of the
world as well. In Nepal I have seen many cases where a
couple did not officially divorce, but the husband found
a so called “second wife “(this is a socially acceptable
institution in Nepal). So the children of the official wife
are left behind. Whether it’s an official or an unofficial
divorce, a child often does not get the proper “útravalo”.
– The other reason for fear to be embedded is if we lost
one or both of our parents during childhood... or we
might have been born without one or even both parents.
These are two reasons that are clear and easy to
recognize. But in my life I have met people who suffered
due to other, more opaque, reasons that prevented their
parents from giving instructions for life.
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