CCChat-Magazine_6 (1)

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CCChat

AAFDA Conference

details inside

The Magazine on Coercive Control

February 2018

Issue 6

Is there such a thing? WHO GETS TO DECIDE?

Good Abuse -v- Bad abuse

BOOK GIVEAWAY!!!

CONFERENCE ON COERCIVE CONTROL 2018

2 venues, 2 days of brilliant speakers

abusers who accuse

their victims of abuse


Contents

Editor's Notes

4 February is a short month -

This issue is too.

launch dATE!

5 NEW Centre for learning & innovation

University of gloucestershire 12th

june 2018

making the invisible visible

7 information on this year's

conference on coercive control

lisa aronson fontes phd

10 divorce your (bad) mother

how to love her and still be free

CCchat is on patreon!

12 become a part of making the

invisible visible

CC Discussion Group BSE

15 The launch date is April 9th for the

first group which is based in Bury st

edmunds.

CCCourt Report

16 New to ccchat - looking at

judgments and sentencing reports.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Contents

The Wife who abused then Accused

18 'Michael's' Story

AAFDA Conference

21 Details of the annual conference

for 2018

conference on coercive control 2018

24 more information on both

conferences

AAFDA conference

46 details of the annual conference

on 22nd march 2018

good abuse -v- bad abuse

28 Is there such a thing?

my rapist followed me on twitter

32 a personal account

Abuse talk/online book club

46 Jennifer Gilmour has exciting news

- a book giveaway!

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Editor's Notes

ABOUT THE EDITOR:

Min Grob started Conference

on Coercive Control in June

2015 following a relationship

that was coercive and

controlling.

Since then, there have been

three national conferences,

various speaking

engagements and a monthly

online publication- CCChat

Magazine.

2018 will see the start of

CCChat Live Discussion

Groups as well as details of

the next Conference on

Coercive Control which will

be a dual venue event to be

held in Bristol and

Gloucester.

Min is particularly

interested in how

perpetrator tactics can be

identified and has spoken on

the challenging subject of

differentiating between

strident discourse and

deliberate baiting.

With the use of examples

from social media, various

covert tactics aimed at

provoking a response can be

identified with the aim of

creating greater awareness

of how abuse manifests when

it is invisible in plain sight.

Min also talks on coercive

control both her personal

experiences and more

generally.

Let's grow the

conversation!

Editor contact details:

contact@coercivecontrol.co.

uk

Photo by Alex Kilbee of

https://www.museportraits.co

.uk/

february is a short month

this issue of ccchat is too.

whether we are in love, out of love, lack a love or have lost a love,

Valentine's Day brings with it lots of hidden meaning - for victims of abuse.

the pressure to be seen to be in a perfect relationship can be extra

distressing, as can the signs of love displayed everywhere.

i spent valentine's day on a train to a conference in stoke on trent. the

previous week, i attended another conference - on exploring a safer

internet. I have learnt a great deal these last few years yet each and

every event i attend, whether as a delegate or as a speaker is a learning

opportunity and for that i am very grateful.

This month, there are also some exciting announcements. Both days and

Venues have been set for Conference on Coercive Control 2018 and some

tickets have already been sold!!! I am very very excited about this

conference. Firstly, It will be the first one not being held in Bury St

Edmunds and secondly, it will be a special 2 day 2 venue event.

Bury St Edmunds won't be neglected though. April 9th sees the Launch of

the much awaited CC Discussion Groups at a wonderful location. if you are a

professional living or working in and around Bury St Edmunds and your work

brings you into contact with people, this will be a must. email to register

your interest as the event is invite only.

Later on, there will also be an evening event in London. more than that, I

can not say but it will be good.

life on social media has been the usual rollercoaster but those trying to

create negative attention are slowly realising that, for those of us who

are professionally curious, watching them is a learning opportunity into

just how insidious abuse can be and we are grateful to them for the

education they are providing in making the invisible visible.

this issue of ccchat is much smaller than previous editions. it has been

incredibly busy, setting up several events and talking to many about their

experiences. My conversation with 'Michael' is an interesting look at

identifying who the actual victim is. there is a lot of noise around false

allegations of rape and abuse, much of it out of proportion with reality.

most victims don't get to see justice, but it is easy to forget that

allegations are made and that they can be true.

until next month, min x

Making The Invisible Visible 2018


On the 12th June at the University of Gloucestershire

in Cheltenham, is the official launch of the

Centre for Learning and Innovation in Public Protection.

Running with the event will be the hugely successful Conference

on Coercive Control.

Please keep this date in your diaries details will be posted

as they develop.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Divorce Your (Bad) Mother:

How to Love Her and Still Be Free

Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD talks to Magdalena Gomez

Lisa Aronson Fontes,

PhD, has a doctorate

in counseling

psychology and has

worked in the areas of

child abuse, violence

against women,

challenging family

issues, and crosscultural

research for

over 25 years.

A professor,

researcher, and

popular conference

speaker, she teaches at

the University of

Massachusetts

Amherst.

Dr. Fontes is the

author of Invisible

Chains:

Overcoming

Coercive Control in

Your Intimate

Relationship as well

as the professional

resources Child

Abuse and Culture

and Interviewing

across Cultures

More info:

www.lisafontes.com.

L

isa

Aronson Fontes talks to award

winning poet and playwright,

Magdalena Gómez

and confronts the Mother Taboo.

LF: One of the characters in your play Perfectamente Loca/Perfectly

Insane describes her mother as "a monster." A lot of people would

hesitate to call their mother a monster—even if she was cruel.

MG: Too many people are held hostage by the coercive tenet of

familial loyalty: “What happens in this house stays in this house.” I

support my readers and audiences to interrupt the fear, shame and

self-loathing they might feel in those moments when they secretly

wish their abusive mothers would just drop dead.

LF: Did you ever feel that way?

MG: Yes, from a very young age. I was responding to her using the

same weapons on me that had been used on her: beatings, blame,

guilt and shaming.

LF: Why was your mother cruel to you?

MG: My mother was the victim of childhood sex traicking in the

Caribbean. She sufered from a brutal colonialism and unquestioned

traditions, poverty, bigotry, and the profound oppression of women,

all of which rendered her incapable of love. Unwittingly, she

perpetrated the cycle of her abuse on me.

LF: How did you overcome the burden of your mother’s abuse?

MG: Throughout the years I worked hard for us to have a loving

relationship and she was simply incapable. The daily beatings

stopped when I left home at nineteen, but the psychological abuse

and manipulations were never-ending. When I turned forty I inally

gave her an ultimatum: “You show me the same respect I have

always shown you, or we won’t be seeing each other again.” Her

response was to call me a “bad daughter” and to deny that she ever

abused me. Cutting her out of my life was the most diicult and

liberating thing I have ever done. For forty years she made me pay a

debt that others owed her, and made my inner life a torment. When I

inally accepted that her approval would never come, I chose to

“divorce” her.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


LF: What was the efect of “divorcing” your

mother?

MG: The distance allowed me to see her more

clearly and ind compassion and forgiveness. It

was diicult to overcome the deeply embedded

cultural and religious teachings that regarded

“The Mother” as a saint to be revered and

honored. At last I realized my attachment to her

was keeping me in a state of low level

depression and on-going anxiety. How could I

follow The Golden Rule if I couldn’t fully love

and protect myself? I had to accept that she

would never be able receive my love. I chose to

love her from a distance and heal myself. I

ofered my love, it was refused. As in any

relationship that is non-reciprocal, it was time to

move on. My family and my mother’s church

friends believe I remain a child in need of God’s

forgiveness. That’s their issue, not mine. No

regrets. article continues after advertisement

LF: Did you ever see her again, after you turned

forty?

MG: No, that divorce was inal. When she died, a

relative left me a voice mail. I took a deep breath

and imagined my mother in peace at last. I had

already grieved her loss for decades.There was

nothing more to say or do.

LF: I love your poems and plays. They are funny,

heartbreaking, moving and they sing of

liberation. How does this background with your

mother igure into your plays and your poems?

My play, Perfectamente Loca/Perfectly Insane, is

an opportunity for people to see the truth about

“bad mothers” spoken with righteous rage,

compassion and humor. My poems ofer solace

and depict a life of moving from victim to

victorious, from shame to a joyful

shamelessness. They are about every kind of

war. From home to battleield, from the

subjugated body to the tormented mind. I

believe in the arts as our greatest tools of selfdefense.

I write, teach, perform and give talks

using my life and those of my divined characters

as examples that liberation and a healthy life are

possible despite all odds.

To learn more about Gómez’s work, visit:

www.magdalenagomez.com

For more information about Coercive Control:

Fontes, L. A. (2015). Invisible Chains:

Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate

Relationship

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


CCChat Magazine is now on Patreon

If you have enjoyed reading the magazine and would like to be

a part of developing and improving it, please consider

becoming a patron and help create a bigger platform for

MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE

Please cut and paste the following into your browser to take

you directly to the page.

https://www.patreon.com/user?u=5609243

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


CC Discussion Groups

Launches 9th April 2018

Bury St Edmunds

T

he

first in a series of CC Discussion Groups launches on

9th April 2018 at a beautiful venue just outside Bury St

Edmunds. This is to launch the new monthly group for

professionals who may come across situations of

coercive control and may need help understanding it.

Making The Invisible Visible

This discussion group will meet periodically ( frequency dependant on

participants wishes and availability) and is open to frontline professions and

any one working with people who may be affected by coercive control.

The group will look at the recognition of coercive control, how it is being

viewed and is an ideal opportunity for practioners to share experiences in

order to gain greater understanding.

The group is suitable for:

Police Officers

Lawyers

Court Staff

Social Workers / Cafcass

Teachers

Safeguarding

Paramedics

Emergency Room Staff

Probation Officers

Victim Support

It is not a DV forum, it is a group for interested individuals to learn and share.

Anyone interested in the Bury St Edmunds group can register their interest by

emailing contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk The event is invitation only.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Due to time constraints, this

has been postponed until

later in the year .

CCCourtReport

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


This is a new addition to CCChat Magazine. For a while,

I have been reading Judgments and Sentencing

Reports and have been surprised at some of the

comments made which did not appear to recognise

coercive control.

This section will look at cases that have been through

the CJS and look at instances where abuse was not

identified and possible reasons why, including common

misconceptions, as well as how unconscious and, in

some cases, implicit bias may have played a part in the

decision making. This section is by no means an attack

on the judiciary but aims to highlight areas where a

possible lack of understanding around the nature of

course of conduct offences such as harassment,

stalking and coercive control, and the ways in which

the behaviour of both perpetrator and victims can be

misinterpreted.

Next month's CCChat will give details of the upcoming

online discussion on this Judgment.

The first case we will look at is a Court of Appeal case

Meachan v R

Neutral Citation N0: [2009]EWCA Crim 1701

http://www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCA/Crim/2009/

1701.html

The appellant is appealing his conviction on the grounds of

having new evidence. On 2nd Aug 2002, X met appellant with

both eventually taking a taxi to X's house .where X had no

recollection of the events that followed. The next morning X

woke up to a lot of pain and considerable blood loss. A

subsequent examination revealed extensive bruising of the

peri-anal area and acute splitting of the anal canal extending

into the rectum. The injury was so severe, it was deemed

necessary to fit X with a colostomy bag. The appellant

maintained that they had both drunk half a cup of GHB , a

date rape drug, which he had obtained. The appellant said X

was a willing participant. The Appeal looked at further

evidence on pain perception.

It is a distressing case. I had originally wanted to look at the

Andrew Luster trial and the reaction of his mother. This is the

great grandson of Max Factor who originally received a

sentence of 124 years for drugging and raping three women

as it was not a UK case, decided against.

It is still worth reading the appeal for the position taken by

the mother who refuses to accept her son's guilt.

https://cases.justia.com/california/court-of-appeal-2ndappellate-district/B228748.PDF?ts=1396114239

If there is a case of interest which can be looked at, in

order to widen understanding of the dynamics of abuse,

please get in touch on:

contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk

Please note that only judgements published and available

in the public domain will be featured .

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


THE WIFE WHO ABUSED

THE HUSBAND

YET ACCUSED

THE HUSBAND

OF ABUSING HER.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


CCChat talks to:

"Michael"

“ SHE CRIES HER EYES OUT AND BECAUSE SHE'S REALLY SMALL

PEOPLE FEEL SORRY FOR HER ”

"MICHAEL" A MALE VICTIM OF A FEMALE ABUSER.

Yesterday, I talked to 'Michael'. it had taken a

while for this to come about. He was

understandably wary, having had his name

dragged through the mud but the conversation

took place and I, for one, am glad it did.

'Michael' met 'Carrie' ( M and C to save my tired

ingers) when he was working as a taxi driver

and C was working part time 'on the switch'. At

the time she also had another job working as a

Bursar for a school. M's mum had died when she

was only in her forties and he remembered C as

being very caring.

One night he found a letter put through his

letterbox with a note saying C's car had broken

down and could he come round and help her. He

did. M now believes she pulled out a wire

deliberately, to get him to come over, as that

would be the start of their relationship.

C had a very fractured relationship with her own

mother who had stopped C from seeing her own

father. He told me that her mum had told her he

had broken C's jaw when very young, and also

knocked out some teeth. It was not until she was

18 or so that C saw her Dad and a whole

diferent story emerged.

They had only been dating a very short time

when C tried to move into M's house. She

started by bringing pots and things, leaving her

mark on the house. He felt they were moving

too quickly but when he told her he wasn't ready

she smashed a cup in a rage.

Her mother phoned M and told him not to get

involved with her daughter, but he didn't realise

then, what he knows now. He knew about the

bad mother/daughter relationship. C had told

him her mother slept with senior police and used

that connection - whether her lover knew or not

, he was unable to conirm but C would

frequently call the police, wasting their time, he

told me.

C did not get on with his brother and had him

arrested for allegedly trying to rape her. The

police investigation came to nothing but

because M supported his wife, it lead to a huge

rift with his family. It would be years before he

would talk to them again meaning that during

the estrangement, he was efectively isolated.

He told me they had two children together.

When the youngest was still quite small, C had

an afair and took the youngest with her, to

move in with the lover. M hated the thought of

his child living in another man's house so

arranged to move out so that C and the kids

could live in the family home.

Events are somewhat hazy but he recalls she left

him a note saying she had 'left the fucking kids'

and if he didn't come home, she would commit

suicide. He returned.

Throughout the marriage, M didn't work. C

claimed mobility. He recalls a walking holiday

where he ilmed her when she had reached the

top, with supposed angina, shouting: ' I bet the

social would love this'.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


M recalls she was sacked from one job for

stealing cigarettes . Her spending was the cause

of most of their arguments. She applied for

goods under various false names and he thinks

there might have been a bankruptcy.

Several DFS sofas, including a pink leather and a

yellow leather one were ordered. He told me of

a Capital One card that arrived through the post

one day. It was addressed to him. C had applied

in his name and had even forged his signature.

At the time, M sufered from depression, he

thought he had applied for the card and simply

forgotten. He was inding it diicult to cope and

went into a shell before becoming friendly with

a woman who lived nearby. He would spend a lot

of time with her and although they were close,

he tells me the relationship was not sexual. They

would talk, have a sing song. He was isolated

and she was a friend.

C would get hysterical when he was with her.

She would put the children, who were still quite

small, on the phone and get them to ask why he

was doing this to their mum. He talks about the

guilt he felt, especially when C tried everything

she could to get his female friend sacked. He

withdrew from that friendship but also knew he

had to get out of the marriage.

It was at this point that she had him arrested.

There was an argument. She was screaming and

he wanted her to shut up. He threw the remote

control. She claimed he broken her ribs, he

denies this.

In court he was advised to plead guilty just to

get rid of her and move on with his life. He was

with someone else at this point and they are still

together - some 8 years or so after.

The decision to plead guilty would open up a

whole can of worms for M which would have far

reaching consequences - not just for him but for

C, who would go on to use this to gain as much

mileage as she could.

M was open when we talked. There was no

desperation to be heard. He sounded resigned

to C's actions and has carried on with his life,

determined to forget her. He is no pillar of the

community, having admitted he has been in

trouble with the law, as have other family

members but he is adamant that he is not guilty

of all C has accused him of and listening to him

talk, I have to say, I believe him.

Min Grob

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


AAFDA Annual

Conference 2018

Illuminate the past to make the future safer.

Raising the status both of victims of domestic abuse

and their families

Date: 22 March 2018

Location: DoubleTree by Hilton

Swindon, Lydiard Fields, Great Western

Way, Swindon, Wilts SN5 8UZ,

Times: Registration / Coffee 8.45 to

9.30. Conference starts 9.30 and ends at

4.30

Cost: £175. Early bird price of £145 if

booking by 20 January 2018.

Refreshments and lunch included.

Free parking

The hotel will offer a conference

room rate at £79 for single

occupancy.

The code to obtain this rate is GAAFDA.

DoubleTree by Hilton Swindon, Lydiard

Fields, Great Western Way, Swindon,

Wilts SN5 8UZ, Phone: 01793 410928

To take advantage of the Early Bird

rate paste the link into browser:

https://aafda_conference_2018.eventbrit

e.co.uk

Keynote speaker:

Professor Neil Websdale

Speakers:

Dr. Jane Monckton Smith

Professor Gene Feder

Catherine Hinwood

Christian Papaleontiou

Frank Mullane

Other speakers including

from the Ministry of Justice

to be confirmed

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


KEYNOTE SPEAKER

Professor Neil Websdale

A world authority on reviews after

domestic homicide and a key driver of

the death review movement around the

world including in England.

Neil is the Director of the Family

Violence Institute at Northern Arizona

University and Director of the National

Domestic Violence Fatality Review

Initiative (NDVFRI).

He has published work on domestic

violence, the history of crime, policing,

social change, and public policy. A

number of families bereaved by

domestic homicide.

Christian Papaleontiou

Head of Public Protection Unit, Home

Oice and Chair of Domestic

Homicide Review Quality Assurance

Panel

Frank Mullane

CEO of AAFDA, Home Oice

appointed reader of Domestic

Homicide Reviews and member of

national panel quality assuring these

reviews.

AAFDA Annual Conference 22nd March 2018

List of Speakers & Bios

Dr. Jane Monckton Smith

Forensic Criminologist. “Impeccable”

was how Evan Stark called her

scholarship.

Professor Gene Feder

Professor of primary health care,

NIHR School for Primary Care

Research, University of Bristol.

Architect of IRIS and practising GP,

discussing domestic abuse and the

role of Health.

Catherine Hinwood

Deputy Director, Victim and Witness

Policy, Family and Criminal Justice

Other speakers including from the

Ministry of Justice to be conirmed

To take advantage of the Early Bird

rate, please copy and paste thie

linkhttps://aafda_conference_2018.even

tbrite.co.uk We look forward to

seeing you there! Bio and Foto 3 MB

DownloadOpen in Pages

Hotel discount

The hotel will ofer a conference

room rate at £79 for single

occupancy. The code to obtain this

rate is GAAFDA. DoubleTree by Hilton

Swindon, Lydiard Fields, Great

Western Way, Swindon, Wilts SN5

8UZ,

Phone: 01793 410928

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Conference on

Coercive Control

2018

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


2 days

2 venues

Lots Of Amazing

Speakers

June 11th 2018 -

The Bristol One

June 12th 2018-

The Gloucester

One

Tickets available

on EventBrite

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


The Homicide

Research Group will

be there to talk

about their work and

how they can help

charities with pro

bono research

Talk to us about our

case work and expert

analysis in homicide

cases

L

earn about the Intimate

Partner Homicide Timeline

which is already influencing

Domestic Abuse strategy.

Find out about the DART

app and training

Learn about our accredited

courses in public protection

12th June 2018

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Talk to organisations

about their work in

stalking, Domestic

Abuse, coercive control

and sexual assault

Fantastic key note

speakers to be

announced soon

We really want to see

you there!

June 12th 2018

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


The Difference Between

Good Abuse and Bad Abuse

Min Grob

“ There is only abuse and all abuse is bad. ”

Sounds crazy, right? Is there a thing

such as good abuse?

You'd think not, wouldn't you? I recently ran

a poll on Twitter and the tiny sample that

responded mirrored what I already know.

There is no such thing as 'good' abuse, there

is only abuse and ALL abuse is bad.

This got me thinking. In an ideal world, that

is how it should be, that is how many of us

think BUT that is not how many behave and

certainly not what I have witnessed and

experienced.

What is becoming more and more apparent

online is the variable standards placed onto

abuse - depending on whether you agree with

the message and/or the messenger or not. I

have known several admit that as long as the

message gets out, it doesn't matter how it

gets out. In my view, this is setting an

unacceptable an dangerous precedent. If we

apply this logic, it confirms that the end

justifies the means.

But here's a question? Who gets to decide?

Who gets to choose what is abuse and what

isn't and which messages can circumnavigate

the parameters of HOW a message is

shared?

What we now have is the following:

*Raising awareness of false allegations

by making false allegations.

*Highlighting bullying

by bullying

*Discussing safeguarding

by breaching information

*Talking about experiences of being a

victim by victimising.

*Shaming others for mocking

mental illness

then doing the same.

It becomes a 'Do as I say not as I do' forum and

that can not be acceptable. When bullies minimise

their actions and hide behind terms such as

banter and free speech to deliberately provoke,

denigrate and silence opposition, it's time to speak

up.

There is an article on this but am still working on

it. In the meantime, here is a thought:

How can we, as a society, hope to tackle

abuse by raising awareness of the need to

talk about it, the need not to ignore it- as

that is what perpetrators want, if we don't

tackle it when we see it within our own

ranks?

How can we make the invisible visible if

our heads remain buried?

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


Blurring Boundaries-

Exploring the rhetoric, realities and rights

of a "safer internet"

Photo:

Dr Emma Bond, Director of Research,

University of Suffolk, Director of Suffolk Institute

of Social and Economic research

Tim Passmore

Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


I recently attended the Blurring Boundaries

Conference held at the University of Suffolk. I had

been looking forward to attending as I have great

admiration for Professor Emma Bond, the

organiser of this conference, for the research she

has been involved in.

As it happens, the day surpassed my already high

expectations and I left with a buzz that lasted

several days.

Speakers included:

Professor Mohammad Dastbaz, a Professor

of informatics at the University of Suffolk.

Professor Andy Phippen, a Professor of

children and technology at Plymouth University

who has presented written and oral evidence to

parliamentary inquiries relating to children's use

of ICT.

Ron Richards of the UK Safe Internet Centre, a

former head teacher and the driving force behind

the multi-award winning 360 degree safe tool.

Paul Maskall of Blue Light Digital who has

worked in intelligence, counter terrotism and

cyber security and is also conducting a PhD in

Cyber security.

David Sankey and Chris Keogh-Ly of

Guardian Saints which raises awareness of the

risks the internet poses to young people.

Simon Dukes CEO of Cifas- the UK's dfraud

prevention service.

Victoria Green of the Marie Collins Foundation

Wayne Denner, author of 'The Student's Guide

to an Epic Online Reputaion....and parent too' and

RepSelfie App inventor

Marisa Batson - interim Digital Lead for

children and young people at Suffolk County

Council.

Claire Burgess of Suffolk Constabularysafeguarding

Tim Passmore - the Suffolk Police and Crime

Commissioner

Tim Holder - of Suffolk Co,mmunity Foundation

which works to develop lasting partnerships with

individual, families, businesses, public bodies and

trusts.

2018 is the Year For Making The Invisible Visible


"My Rapist Followed Me on Twitter"

an anonimous account

“It would come down to o 'he said, she said'

his standing, his reputation, tion, his knowledge in his field

- all these things would count against me.”

My rapist followed me on Twitter after I had repeatedly

and firmly called out an account for naming &

shaming. He took the same stance, followed me and I

followed back.

He was an academic, and I was extremely interested in

learning from his research and attending his lectures at

University for my own continued professional

development and training.

We met for coffee, where he disclosed some very

personal information. I instantly felt sympathy yet also

honoured and overwhelmed that he had shared this

with me. A bond was established.

I trusted him, his academic position, and I disclosed

my own experiences of abuse. I knew he would

understand and know how to engage with me.

We started dating. The first months, we did the usual

things, went to cafès, diners, long walks, held hands,

displayed affection in public. He's was charming,

engaging, cerebrally stimulating and he made me feel

special.

I remember the first occasion he sat in front of me, his

arms extended and, without touching, he traced the

contours of my jaw down to my neck, coldly, staring

deep into my eyes. Time stood still and shivers ran

down my spine.

I mistook this first warning of fear for excitement.

He continually referred to me as a letter, my first

initial. even after I asked him not to.

After establishing that we were both only into vanilla

sex, he asked me to bite him. I told him I wasn't into

that but he persisted until, eventually, I reluctantly

agreed. He told me I had to repeatedly bite him,

otherwise he wouldn’t have, or sustain an erection. He

insisted.

We had agreed he'd use a condom but he didn't. I had

not consented to unprotected sex and, worried, I went

to a GUM clinic. He tried to allay my fears by telling me

that he was regularly tested, that there was no need to

go to the clinic. There was no apology.

In the morning his face like thunder, he accusingly said

'look what you've done' pointing at the bites on his

chest, 'You've branded me'. He chastised me for doing

exactly what he asked for.

I had wanted to take this new relationship slowly. I

questioned my perceptions of him and decided that I

was anxious and therefore mistaken. I had fallen for

this man, I wanted to trust him,

I was totally blinded by my feelings for him, his charm,

the overtly loving and tender gestures, the

compliments and empowering support.

But he was also excessively controlling, negative,

intense, cold, detached, dark and moody. I put this

down to him being overworked, Ill and dealing with

his own personal issues.

Even when he put the palm of his hand flat over my

throat, blocking my airway, calling me a bitch, a whore,

pulling out clumps of my hair.

But he would never discuss his sexual and emotional

dysfunctions; his lack of empathy or lack of respect and

objectification of me.

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


I was worried enough to make a Claire's

law application

and when it came back clear, my fears were

allayed.

A few days later, he came for dinner, later asking

if he could stay. I had told him I had been sexually

assaulted and only wanted to be held. nothing

more.

In bed, he was persistent- stroking, kissing and

touching. I froze and shut down. I was

unresponsive, rigid with fear and silent yet he

continued until he withdrew.

I ended the relationship yet found myself making

excuses for his behaviour.

I didn’t feel that I could report him. He was held

in high regard at the university and he was a well

known on the conference circuit.

Who would believe me?

It would come down to 'he said, she said', his

standing, his reputation, his knowledge in his field

- all these things would count against me. He had

effectively silenced me and I suspect he knew that.

He'd known all about trauma and victim

responses.

He'd know about the fear of not being believed,

the guilt, the shame - wondering if it was

something you did - or didn't do. He'd know all

about the victim blaming, the untrained jurors,

the unaware judges, the bias.

He would know, that he would be able to counter

an allegation with academic specialism. In

retrospect, I believe his actions were intentional.

He knewn my vulnerabilities, he knew he could

get away with it.

Knowing all this, he deliberately re-traumatised

me and left me with no justice, no closure whilst

he continues as he has before.

I have been unable to follow through with the

Police video. The fear of what lies ahead keeps me

in my track, but I don't think I'm the only one.

There will be others and I hope that at some point,

they come forward, as it is an open investigation.

If you have experienced these specific behaviours

anywhere in the UK, and also outside as he

travels and lectures worldwide, I urge you to come

forward.

Anon

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


Jennifer Gilmour's Bio:

Born in the North East, I am a young, married mum

with three children.

My debut novel, ‘Isolation Junction’ was published

in 2016.

Since this publication I have continued to be an

advocate for those in abusive relationships through my

blog posts, radio interviews and Twitter feed.

www.jennifergilmour.com

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


ABUSE CHAT

Jennifer Gilmour

S

ince

the last edition of CCChat Magazine

@AbuseChat has gone past the Twitter milestone of

200 followers and we are steadily growing. We have

had members join in not just from the UK but also

from the US, Italy and Spain.

It's interesting to find out how different countries work in supporting victims

of domestic abuse.

You can join in every Wednesday 8-9pm GMT via #AbuseTalk

One theme was to do with ‘health’ and we spoke about how domestic abuse

can affect your short and long term health. Personally I have an auto-immune

system problem that came on whilst in the abusive relationship and one of the

triggers is from extreme stress, I am working on research to possibly link the

two.

This was an interesting evening as others expressed their health problems

during and after the abusive relationship. Themes covered are that of my own

and those who join in, if you would like a particular topic covered, then you

can always get in touch with me via: contact@jennifergilmour.com

Anyone can get involved with the discussions, all you have to do is sign into

Twitter on the dedicated time and tweet with the #AbuseTalk. The account

@AbuseChat will retweet and be involved in the conversation. If you have any

articles, blog posts, thoughts, feelings on domestic abuse then this is a space

were you can express it.

Don’t know what a Twitter Chat is?

“A Twitter chat is a public Twitter conversation around one unique hashtag.

This hashtag allows you to follow the discussion and participate in it. Twitter

chats are usually recurring and on specific topics to regularly connect people

with these interests.” * https://www.socialmediaexaminer.com/twitter-chatguide/

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


Jennifer Gilmour's Online Book Club

more than books,

books with messages

"I am delighted to be hosting the Online Book Club and

reading along with you."

Jennifer Gilmour

This month we have our very first giveaway for

CCChat Magazine. So keep reading and don’t miss

out. This month I wanted to share with you an

author.

I have been in contact with for some time now.

Rachel Thompson is an author, poet and advocate.

I personally came across Rachel on Twitter when

her business book kept popping up from a blogger

and I couldn’t miss it, in the end I purchased her

business book and enjoyed her writing style.

I then went to look at her other books to find out

that she had released books relating to abuse. I of

course had similar interests and couldn’t resist

connecting with her.

Rachel is friendly and replies to tweets (if you

want to tweet her). Not only does she have these

honest books out but she also hosts a number of

Twitter Chats online and has a high engagement

with followers and including her high following.

She courageously confronts the topics of sexual

abuse and suicide, love, and healing, in her second

nonfiction book of prose and poetry (her fourth

book overall). Rachel bares her soul in essays,

poems, and prose, addressing life’s most difficult

topics with honesty. As you follow one woman’s

journey through the dark and into the light, you

will find yourself forever changed.

I personally reviewed both Broken Pieces and

Broken Places in one blog post which you can find

on my blog https://jennifergilmour.com/brokenpieces-broken-places-review/

JENNIFER'S FEBRUARY REVIEW:

About Broken Pieces:

Broken Pieces is an award winning book

about relationships, a study of women, and a

book with heart. It is a collection of pieces

inspired by life: love, loss, abuse, trust, grief,

and ultimately, love again. In Thompson’s

most intensive work to date, she opens her

soul and invites the reader in for a visit.

Thompson goes into those long buried rooms

we lock up deep inside and shares a bit of her

soul. Broken Pieces is vulnerable, raw

honesty, and no-holds barred.

BOOK GIVEAWAY!!! Broken Pieces is the

book you can win on the giveaway and you

have until the end of February.

For a chance to win your copy, see over.

The winner will be announced in March’s

edition of CCChat Magazine

www.jennifergilmour.com

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


BOOK GIVEAWAY!!!

Broken Pieces by Rachel Thompson

is the book you can win.

You have until the end of February!

For a chance to win, copy and paste

the link into browser:

http://www.rafflecopter.com/

rafl/display/9e44d0e07/?

The winner will be announced in

March’s edition of

CCChat Magazine

2018 is the Year for Making The Invisible Visible


CONFERENCE ON COERCIVE CONTROL

11th June 2018 BRISTOL

MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE

Why is coercive control so difficult to identify and evidence? How can we

increase understanding of abuse that is hidden in plain sight? How can we

recognise the red flags so we can walk away sooner? How can we learn

where to look when there is so much misinformation?

This conference looks at abuse that falls below the radar.

Because that is EXACTLY what perpetrators want.

Lunch and refreshments included . A few trade stands still available, please

email: contact@coercivecontrol.co.uk for further information

TICKETS AVAILABLE ON EVENTBRITE www.eventbrite.co.uk

Making The Invisible Visible


Confirmed speakers so far:

Dr Karen Morgan is a Research Fellow in the Bristol Medical School, at the

University of Bristol and is currently working on REPROVIDE, an NIHRfunded

pilot trial of a domestic violence perpetrator programme, which is

seeking to gather evidence as to the effectiveness of group programmes for

male perpetrators.

Dr Emma Katz’s pioneering research investigates how children are harmed

by coercive control (not only physical violence) in contexts of domestic abuse.

Key issues for Emma are how children experience coercive control, how they

resist it, and what helps them to recover.

John Trott retired from the police in 2016 as a Detective Chief Inspector in

charge of the Cornwall and Isles of Scilly Public Protection Unit. He was

responsible for the prevention and investigation of child abuse, domestic

abuse and vulnerable adult abuse and was the Devon and Cornwall Force lead

for Domestic Abuse, Stalking, Forced Marriage, Honour Based Abuse, Female

Genital Mutilation (FGM) and Safeguarding Vulnerable Adults/Adults at Risk.

John is now the Director of AbuseFreeLife.

Rachel Williams, survived 18 years of domestic abuse. She was shot by her

estranged husband. Rachel is an Ambassador for Welsh Women's Aid,

Threshold - DAS and a Pioneer for Safelives. Rachel releases her new book

The Devil at Home on March 8th coinciding with International Women's Day.

Rachel will talk about the work she does supporting victims of abuse and will

also be signing copies of her book.

Sophia Cooke is a PhD student at Cambridge. In 2017 Sophia found herself

in the national press accused of lying about her ex partner assaulting her.

Sophia has released a blog of her experiences and will be talking about how

the system can be used to abuse a victim.

Sarah Phillimore is a barrister, site administrator of the Child Protection

Resource and member of the Transparency Project, a charity that seeks to

improve public understanding of the family law system. She has a particular

interest in issues of freedom ofspeech and responsible use of social media,

particularly by regulated professionals.

Alison Boydell is a co-founder of End Online Misogyny as well as JURIES,

which she founded with the late Jill Saward.

Duncan Mcphee is a senior lecturer in Criminology at UWE Bristol and a

sexual violence researcher.

Making The Invisible Visible


Voices 4 Victims 14th Feb 2018

Voices 4 Victims Conference - Stoke on Trent

300 attendees and 16 stands. This was a brilliant conference. Unfortunately, to save on rail

fares, I arrived late and couldnt recharge IPad on the train so not much tweeting

These photos do the conference no justice whatsoever. Will do better next year!

Making The Invisible Visible

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