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Equations: 2018/2nd Edition (Dialectic Form)

This is the second edition of Equations by Adam Fieled (2018), originally released as a Blue & Yellow Dog print book in 2011, and employing "Dialectic Form."

#5 Something holds Julie

#5 Something holds Julie back so that there can‟t be too much of this. While I am with her, she controls everything, from my sensations to my destiny. She can bite me off, permanently cripple me, or please me if she wants. As master, she decides how much hunger she will or will not assuage. She uses her hands as well as her mouth, doing little twists like she‟s learned to do from Internet porn. It‟s delicious, my legs shake from the unbearable nature of the sensations. The problem is, she then freezes, which means she is deliberately effacing my most overwhelming pulses. So I come in her frozen, static mouth, with a sense of intense anti-climax, and I am too bashful to instruct her as to how to do this properly. Yet any woman who brings me to this must be a darling and an angel. Julie, this darling angel, stands on the threshold of womanhood, and her hunger is merely to control. There is no sense of service, and since we are in my apartment there is no sense of comfort for her. What she wants to take home with her is a sense of having bested me. As she gazes at my closed eyes and opened mouth, there is (I imagine now) a sense of bitterly held contempt for my weakness, my humanity. We never fuse our different stupidities, so that I see no depths in those rounded eyes of jet, and she knows that she has now gotten what she wants from me; there is no more specialness. 12

#6 Then, there are those happy, halcyon times (and such times do exist) in which all the parts fit, the striations interlock in such a way that no one gets ploughed over, no one bested, no hungers perpetuated. Little Mindy works retail with me. There is something doll -like about her, but she has Puerto Rican roots and olive skin, black hair either frizzed or smoothed down on top of her head. We establish a bond that has both elements of tightness and looseness. So when she starts dropping by my apartment, it is with foreknowledge in her hunger (which I do not quite realize) that sex is very much on the menu. Of course, as all fine young ladies do, she holds most of the cards. But as we sit on my blue, rather ratty old couch, smoking not-very-potent weed and listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I jolt towards her, realizing that her energy is sucking me in. She is so small and delicate that I feel transgressive just touching her, but, more importantly, our hungers meet in the middle, so that nothing is withheld, everything coalesces: we are a successful narrative. 13

EQUATIONS: BOLD FORMAT
Answered Prayers and Willard Preachers (2018 edition/2nd edition)