1 week ago


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PublicHouse nerds Like all languages, English is full to the brim with arbitrary rules. This would be fine if it were not for the fuck awful word nerds who go about correcting other people’s grammar and usage; captious, snobbish individuals who dedicate their spare time to learning all of these rules and then feel it necessary to impose unnecessary guidelines on others. A lot of the rules that these people have learnt are utterly pointless and do not stand up to inspection. It is for this reason that I thought we could go through some of the most prominent of these, let’s call them The Big Five, so that the next time some patronising, weak-chinned word nerd decides to tell you that, “It is whom, dear boy, not who...”, you can come back with, “actually, motherfucker, it’s who. And here’s why…” WHO vs WHOM Nobody likes hangers-on. A great night out can be taken too far. The party has finished, the sun has come up, and it is just you and the person you go to bed with left in the flat. Oh, and the annoying guy who won’t go home and keeps saying that you should open another bottle of wine, or order another gram, and continue to discuss the structural issues of the European Union. That guy, that annoying, clingy, limpet of a man, is whom. Whom is the object form of who. For instance, “whom did you have sex with?” Whom is the object that you, the subject, had sex with. However, there also used to be a dative form of who - wham. Dative being the case that marks out the recipient of a noun. “Who did you give chlamydia to?” should read, if we are following all the rules of who, “wham did you give chlamydia?” Nobody says that, because there is no need. Wham has died out. It has been purged from the English language. It has gone home. Whom needs to do the same; no sentence becomes clearer with the use of the word whom. It is for nerdy, faux-intellectuals who were told this nonsense by sweaty public school English professors famous for their love of molestation. Who do we trust? Not them. 10

PublicHouse 11 AND I vs AND ME We are told that we should not say, “Ravi and me went to the massage parlour” because me is not a subject. As in you would not say, “me went to the massage parlour”. However, this rule does not stand up to even the most cursory inspection. It goes back to a man named Robert Lowth – some cunt of a bishop who lived during the 1700’s. Lowth decided that English should be more like Latin. Which is like deciding that a banana should be more like an onion. They are both strange and interesting and useful in their own way. However, neither is better, and certainly neither should aspire to be like the other. Lowth was too busy not washing, listening to Bach, and discussing the Seven Years War to realise this. Latin always has its subject pronouns (I, we, she) in subject pronoun positions. In English, we do not do this. If at a party you were asked, “who broke the toilet?” You would point at the culprits and say, “them”. Them is not the subject form. They is the subject form. But no fucker would point at the culprits and say, “they”. Just as the answer to the question, “who brought the lubricant?” Is “me”. Not “I”. Nobody would stand there and say “I”. Children do not say, “Rebecca and I stole some sweets.” Kids don’t talk like that. All kids would say, “Rebecca and me stole some sweets.” It is intuitive, it works, and most importantly, there is no lack of clarity. Lowth and me disagree on this, but he can fuck off.

Four - 4 - Cuatro
Three - 3 - Tres
Two - 2 - Dos