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ISSUE6-NERDS

How to seduce a Woman in

How to seduce a Woman in the #MeToo Age 36

PublicHouse While charming a woman has always been a challenge, it used to be easy not to assault or traumatize one, but given the recent spate of sexual harassment charges and outing of sexual offenders in Hollywood, it’s become clear that there’s a significant amount of men who are disgusting predatory douchebags that abuse their power to force themselves on woman. This has resulted in a zero-tolerance culture when it comes to undesired sexual advances. Yet, while there are certainly a lot of gross men out there, many of us would still like to enjoy some old fashioned missionary-style sex with perhaps some butt-play and a little light choking on occasion. You know, innocent stuff. So, to help all you nice guys out there understand best practices for post #metoo seduction and avoid the pratfalls of overstepping a woman’s boundaries, make sure to follow these easy steps. Step 1: Never Approach a Woman You Don’t Know It’s best to start off all new relationships with a lie. If she knows that your initial attraction to her is based off her appearance and not the conversations you’ve yet to have, she will find you repellent. Therefore, to avoid this conundrum, it’s best to never approach a woman in public if you don’t know her. Asking a woman her name or offering to buy her a drink are examples of predatory behaviour. You have to get the woman to come to you. Now, to do this you will need one of three things: • A baby or small child • An adorable dog, preferably a puppy • Or an old lady who you can help with something in sight of the woman of interest. Either one of the above things should suffice in drawing her interest and sparking an initial introduction. A child or old lady are preferable, given they could testify in court to the consensual nature of your relationship if harrassment charges were ever filed. During this first conversation, mention that you are new to the neighbourhood and ask if she can recommend a good place to eat. Hopefully, if she’s interested, she will say something like, “oh, yeah I love such and such a place, I can show you around.” Step Two: Show No Signs of Romantic Interest and Act Slightly Removed Never let on, at any point, that you’re capable of sexual feelings. I’d advise that you tuck back your penis and balls and tape them to the underside of your gooch for the first few dates to avoid any 37

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